Nate Bargatze: The Greatest Average American (2021) | Transcript

Tennessee-born comedian, actor, and podcast host Nate Bargatze is back with his second hour-long Netflix original comedy special.
Nate Bargatze - The Greatest Average American (2021)

[folk rock music playing]

♪ Family ♪
♪ Singin’ in the kitchen ♪
♪ Family ♪
♪ Runnin’ through the yard… ♪
♪ Family ♪
♪ Goin’ on vacation ♪
♪ Family ♪
♪ On a credit card ♪
♪ Hey ♪

[girl on phone] That was so fun, Daddy.

You did your riding with the horses?


But it was really good today ’cause I got to ride her–


All right, Harper, I gotta do a show.

Be funny.

Be funny.

I love you. I love you.

We love you.

And now, please welcome my daddy, Nate Bargatze!

* * *

[audience cheers and applauds]

[folk rock continues playing]

[audience members cheer]

All right. This is it. Uh, this is fun, huh? This is… Yeah. I mean, let me tell you, 2020 has been my favorite year. Out of all the years, this has been the best one. I mean, I don’t… You know, there’s aliens. They said there’s UFOs. And no one cares. That’s… What kind of year could you have that you could sneak in, “Hey, everybody, on the news…” At the end of the news! They go, “There’s UFOs.” You’re like, “Aw, do they have COVID?” And you’re like, “No.” “I don’t know. They won’t get tested.”

But, uh… It’s funny, I told my wife that. I said, “They said there’s UFOs,” and she just went about her day. I mean, just… You might even watch this and be like, “I didn’t hear that.” That’s the point. That’s how amazing 2020 has been.

I also feel this is a good year to see where your friends are at. You know? You want to be in the middle, I think. And I’ve got friends that, they take a shower with their mask on, and they sleep with a mask on, ’cause they have a hamster, and the hamster probably has it, and they live alone, it’s just them and the hamster.

And I also have friends that I don’t think have even heard about COVID. I… It looks like someone told them to try to go get it, that’s how they’re living.

I have a lot of friends, too, they tell me they already had it. There’s a big… They’re like, “I had it, I had a fever.” Uh… “February, had a fever for a couple hours, so probably had it.”

I had one friend, he told me he had it in 2015. He’s… I mean, convinced. He goes, “I had it in 2015.” “I was the first, and it just didn’t catch on like it has now, but…”

I can tell you one thing that’s gone forever is coughing in public. That’s… That’s a wrap. I mean… You drink water wrong at a restaurant, just go walk in traffic. Um… Whole restaurant just stops. Your table would be like, “Get out of here. Get out of here.”

You know who that’ll hurt the most, the cough in public? My parents, ’cause that’s one of their favorite things to do, is cough in public. They love it. That’s all they do. They cough everywhere. My dad’s choking constantly. Just always… If he’s not choking, that’s when we get worried. That’s how much choking… We go to a restaurant, they’re like, “Is your dad okay?” I’m like, “I didn’t…” “Yeah, that’s just what he does.” You know?

I’ve been traveling all over the country during this COVID, and what I’ve seen is… Look, in the middle of the country, they’re doing good. I went to a NASCAR race. They had masks, doing what they’re supposed to. A lot of people are doing it, we’re trying. We take our temperature. I went to Buffalo Wild Wings. They took my temperature. You telling me that teenager doesn’t know what he’s doing? Is that what you’re… Don’t think he’s going to doctor school? That’s how they get started, is he takes temperatures, and he’s like, “45 degrees. You’re good.” Uh, yeah, you’re, like, 60 degrees from the problem. So I don’t, you know… And they’re not even worried about it. “Fifty-seven degrees.” You’re like, “Actually, I’m dead, dude.” “That’s not good.” I asked, “Does that even work?” “I don’t know. When it beeps, I just tell them to go ahead.” I… I swear, one kid said, “Beep.” I don’t think his beep worked, and he goes, “Beep.” And I was like, “Was that…” And he goes, “You’re fine.” [Nate chuckles]

I’ve done pretty good during COVID. I, uh… ‘Cause I feel like you could either… I lost some weight during COVID. You could go two ways. If you wanted to gain weight, this is your time. I mean, everybody’s fine with it. You can just do it, but I’ve been doing all that up until COVID. I’ve always lived by that rule. So during COVID, I was like, “I need to stop.” And my neighbor started working out in his driveway. So he’s like, “Let’s work out in my driveway.” And, you know, it’s hard to make excuses during COVID. You’re like, “I’m just so busy.” “I’m just… I can’t, I got a lot of stuff to do today.” And he’s just out there. So I started to do it with him, and he had a trainer, and I’m not a big fan of working out, never done it. And I told them, “I just wanna do upper-body stuff.” And they go, “All right. Well, how about we just do legs every day?” That’s all it is, is legs. I think it’s a huge conspiracy with trainers that you never actually do your upper body, and when you are doing it… I asked him, “Is this upper body?” He goes, “Yeah.” I go, “Yeah? ‘Cause I’m bending down quite a bit.”

What I eat, that’s the main problem. I eat like a child. I eat… I mean, it’s not good. He goes, “Let’s go through what you had for breakfast, your whole day of eating.” He goes, “Let’s go through yesterday.” And in my head, I’m like, “Yesterday’s not a good day.” “Let’s pick another day.” Uh… He goes, “Go through yesterday.” I go, “All right, I had donuts in the morning.” And he goes, “All right, was it like they were just out or something?” I go, “No, I drove. I drove to it.” “I drove to it.” He’s like, “Is it on your way?” I go, “No, I was late to where I was going because of it.”

He goes, “What about late-night snacking?” I was like, “Well, I had Sour Patch Kids last night.” He goes, “Did you watch a movie?” I go, “No, just regular TV.” And he’s like, “The little kid bag?” I go, “No, it was a bag. It was a bag of ’em.” “If you saw it without a label and someone said, ‘Hand me that bag,’ they wouldn’t be confused on what you were asking.” I always have trouble going to sleep, and I swear, every doctor… It’s like, I eat Sour Patch Kids and have soda, and I’m like, “What’s going on, man? I can’t…” “Dude, at night, my brain just doesn’t stop.” And they’re like, “Yeah, dude, you can’t eat Sour Patch Kids in bed.” “Maybe that’s a problem.”

We’ve been traveling around like crazy. Did all these drive-in dates that have been super fun. I like traveling, love being on the road. I remember one time, I was in Los Angeles, and I was going to South by Southwest in Austin, Texas the next day, and I had a really early flight. I remember the night before, I was like, “Just be normal, have a normal night.” And ended up hanging out, became a bit of a problem. [chuckles] And I wake up the next day, and my flight is gone. I’ve missed it, and it’s not like it’s at the gate, it is in Austin, Texas. They are checking into their hotel. So I go to get my phone to get another flight, and I’ve lost my phone. The night before, I’ve lost it. So now I don’t have my phone. So I have to go buy a ticket over the counter like it’s the ’50s. And when you walk up to a counter, they don’t expect you to be buying a ticket like that. I got up there, and they’re like, “All right.” I was like, “I would like one ticket to Austin, Texas, please.” And they said, “All right, go buy it and don’t be weird about it.” I go, “No, I’d like to write a check to you for one ticket to Austin, Texas.” They didn’t have a flight, so I have to do that at every terminal. I just have keep going, “One ticket to Austin, Texas, please.” I finally found a flight, but the girl behind the counter, she’s never sold a ticket like that. “I’ve worked here for ten years. No one’s ever done this.” “I don’t know how to do it.” She went back and got probably the oldest lady I’ve ever seen. I think she’s there for just this reason. She came out, she had that old credit card machine that you run. She’s like, “I got it. I’ve been… This is super fun for me.” It was weird to not have my phone. Everybody has their phone. I was going through the airport, and you just don’t have it, and you just stare. I mean, we were waiting in line, and you’re just looking ahead. I mean, people are just like, “All right, dude, what is wrong with you?” Just regular people… Like, “Where’s your phone?” I’m like, “I don’t have it.” “I’d like to talk to you, though, if you’ll talk to me.” “I’d love to chat for a little bit.” I thought I was going to breeze through security, but I got held up ’cause of the guy in front of me. He goes through the metal detector, and it goes off, and so they ask him, “Do you have anything metal on you?” And he goes, “I have keys on me, my keys.” And we thought he was gonna say his knee or hip, you know, just… Old people have metal in them a lot. And he goes, “Keys? Do you think that would do it?” You’re like, “That would be the number-one answer on Family Feud of what would set a metal detector off.” “Keys.” I told him, “Look, let’s try it with and without it.” “I’d love to know. Maybe they’ve been lying to us about this key thing.”

So I’ve been doing these drive-in shows, these drive-in movie theater shows, and my buddy Nic Novicki‘s been with me. And Nic’s a little person, very fun. We started comedy together. Nic’s very fun to be friends with, very easy to trick. We were once at a coffee shop, and a guy was sitting near us with a big husky dog. And Nic just goes, “Hey, you think that’s a wolf?” And I just said, “Yeah, I do think it’s a wolf.” Uh… “They just passed a law that if you can catch a wolf, you can have it as a pet.” He goes, “Should I go ask him about it?” I was like, “Absolutely. I mean, he wants to talk about it.” “That’s why he brought that wolf out here.” I watched him walk over to him and just go, “Excuse me, is that a wolf?” And the guy, he didn’t really know how to answer. He’s like, “What?” “I mean, you think I brought a wild wolf to this coffee shop… and the wolf’s just being cool about it? It’s not losing its mind right now?”

When we were doing these drive-in shows, we were all on a bus together, I convinced Nic that I didn’t know who Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were. Nic is learning this, that I do know who they are, he’s learning right now with you. I never told him. I absolutely know who they are. He brought… All his references are just ’90s sports references. [chuckles] He only can reference the ’90s. So he brings up Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding. I was like, “Who’s that?” He’s like, “What? You don’t know who they are?” I was like, “I don’t think anybody knows who they are.” He goes, “Dude, this was a huge story. Figure skating. It was like a Mafia hit.” I was like, “I’ve never heard this, dude. Don’t you think I would’ve heard it?” I was like, “No one knows this.” And he’s losing his mind. I go, “They should make a 30 for 30 if it’s that good.” He goes, “They did!” Another guy’s like, “They should make a movie about it.” He goes, “There’s a movie!” He’s just losing it.

One of my favorite ones was… This was forever ago. We’re going to a friend’s house, and it was a four-flight walk up, and so we had to walk up four flights. Obviously, I walk faster than Nic, and I used to wait for him, but we’ve just been friends too long, I can’t. We’re like an old married couple. I’m just gone. So I knew where we were going, and I knew that he did not. So I leave him and I go into my buddy’s apartment. I was like, “Nic doesn’t know where you live, so that’s fun, you know, let’s just see what happens.” About 30 minutes go by. Nic finally comes into the apartment, and I asked him, “Where were you?” He goes, “I didn’t know where to go.” I go, “I know.” “So you’ve been gone for a long time. Did you go back outside?” He goes, “No, I’ve been in someone else’s apartment all this time.” He went into someone’s… He was just trying handles. And a door opened, he walked in, said, “I’m with Nate,” and went and sat on their couch. That’s how far he made it. Think about where your couch is. That’s how deep he made it in their place. And he’s so confident, they had to be like, “I don’t know. Maybe we know a Nate,” you know?

Doing those drive-in shows were fun. You know, you’re doing it at a drive-in movie theater. What’s hard is when people want to leave early if they don’t like your act. I mean, you just see headlights hit you in the face, and he’s just like… and just backs up. And you’re like, “All right, there goes that guy.”

Uh… I did one Zoom show, and it was just… I mean, it’s just your face on it, and right before we get started, I just hear someone say, “I don’t know. It’s some stupid comedy thing.” It’s just… What’s that? What’d she say?

[helicopter whirring]

Just helicopters all day. That’s an outside show. The next special’s going to be at LAX. It’s gonna be a good time. Uh… [chuckles]

[audience applauds and cheers]

I can’t wait to get back to the old days of just not doing good inside a building. That’s all you want, you know? There’s… One of the last, kind of, bombs I had… So as comedians, we do a lot of corporate events, and I was doing this corporate event in Tampa, Florida. It was for this guy, he ran Tampa’s electricity or something. I don’t know what anybody does, but he invented the electricity in Florida, so… Yeah, he’s doing real good. And… He was a very nice guy, he’s very generous. It was all of his employees, he was raffling off two cars. He gave away a bunch of TVs, iPads… I mean, honestly, probably $100,000 worth of gifts he was giving back to his employees. Very nice. Well, I was one of these gifts that he was giving back, so in the middle of giving this stuff away, he stops and goes, “All right. Got a big surprise for you.” “Can’t believe we got this guy to come here.” And he brings me out. I mean, nobody’s heard of me at all. They’re all looking at me like, “I think I could get this guy to come to my house. I mean, who is…”

I start doing my act. I do one hour, and just zero laughs. I mean nothing, and I’m not doing new jokes. I’m doing the greatest hits. I told the “iced coffee with milk” story three times. I…

[audience applauds]

[chuckles] It was…


I kept just doing it. I was like, “I’mma do it one more time. I don’t think y’all were listening.” Uh… People were leaving. The guy that drove me asked someone that left, he goes, “Is the comedy show almost over?” The guy goes, “I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” “There’s a guy giving a speech up there now, so maybe after that.”

So we get done, and then the guy comes up. You know, I have to talk to him, and I was like, “Look, I’m sorry, man.” “I used to be able to do comedy, and I lost it, you know? It’s over.” And he was very nice, he goes, “No, it’s all right, nothing’s your fault.” I was like, “I don’t know how that’s possible.” And he goes, “Well, when you were up there, I remembered that most of my employees do not speak English.” And I was like, “All right, yeah, that’ll do it.” You know? Maybe don’t hire an English-only-speaking comedian. No heads up at all. Not that I could have changed it up, but it just would have been nice to know. [exclaims indistinctly]

So I have a daughter, and my daughter’s name is Harper. So a lot of people ask, “Did you name her after Harper Lee, the author of To Kill a Mockingbird?” And, you know, I’ve never thought about an author a day in my life, so… That never occurred to me. I mean, my middle name is Lee, and it just never crossed my mind.

Uh… I love having a kid. We… I love when kids cry, it’s just innocent. I love how innocent it is. They cry over a tag in their shirt. I mean, they bawl. They don’t like… It feels weird. And then, you could be like, “Is your house on fire?” I’ve never seen someone cry this much. It’s over nothing.

She’s on her iPad a lot. You know, that’s the hard part. You got to get these kids off… You don’t want technology all the time. She just sits there on her iPad. She wants to be a YouTuber, which, as a comedian, makes me furious. She watches these kid YouTube videos, and now she makes her own videos. It’s just her sitting there going, “Hey, guys, what’s going on?” “Click the links below, subscribe, leave a comment.” None of this is anywhere but my phone. I got 90 hours of this. It’s not on YouTube. Me and her mom are the only subscribers. She just watches kids playing with toys. Like, that’s what’s crazy. It’s not like a show. I’d be fine if she watched a show. She watches just a kid that’s like, “Hey, you don’t have this toy, I do.” “You want to see me open it?” It’s got five billion views. It looks like we buy her nothing, like, we just show her. “If you wanna watch a kid have fun, but you’ll never have fun in this house!”

We take her out, we go do stuff. I would take her to Chuck E. Cheese all the time. You can go there, they had COVID in ’84. So there’s… Yeah. It can’t even survive in there, that’s what… Chuck E. Cheese is rough. I don’t know if you’ve been there in a while. They look like they’re trying to go out of business and they can’t. I… They filed for bankruptcy and they’re still open. They called Blockbuster and were like, “How do you get out? We want out.”

[audience applauds]

They’re updating nothing. That Chuck E. band is just robotic. I mean, the drummer doesn’t even turn on, it just sits like that the whole time. They sell booze to parents now, they just give them buckets of Bud Light. They’re drunk in a booth at 9:00 a.m. When someone drives those kids home, I don’t see Ubers and Lyfts showing up.

There was a Chuck E. Cheese that got caught, if people didn’t eat all their pizza, they’d put it back out on the buffet. And that would shut down any normal business. And with Chuck E. Cheese, they have thrived. I mean, when I read the story, I was like, “I thought that’s what they were doing.” “I thought we agreed that’s fine.” I didn’t know what the article was about.

Our daughter still sleeps in our bed too, and parents don’t like that, when you say it. They’re like, “You gotta keep them outside. Don’t look at them.” Uh… It’s my fault. So we had a kid late in life. We have one kid. So we’re hitting all the sights, and I’d be… When I travel a bunch, and I’d get home, I’d want us to sleep in the bed together. and I’ve built up a habit now, it’s happened. So it’s tough, though, because kids don’t know how to sleep. I mean, she makes a king bed feel like a twin. I mean, I’m on the edge. When I sleep alone in a hotel, I sleep with my head on the nightstand. It’s the only way I know how to go to bed. She gets sideways, upside down. If you woke up upside down tomorrow, you would go to the hospital.

She’s also apparently going through menopause ’cause she’s the hottest human being that’s ever lived. I’m freezing at night. She kicks all the covers off. You’re like, “Yeah, you go ahead. It’s your bed. We’re lucky to be in it.”

She’s gotta get out at some point, you know? I don’t know. She’ll be 37 years old… “Hey, can I get in the bed with you guys?” Her kids are upstairs asleep in their bed. Her husband left a while ago, he ain’t gonna put up with that.

Um… I remember, I’d fall out of a bunk bed. I slept in a bunk bed, I was on the top bunk, and I would get over a railing, and just fall six feet to the ground, and just land… I mean, you don’t catch yourself, it’s just whatever hits first. All your body weight just lands on your head. I got a full-blown concussion, I’m crying. My parents are like, “Just go back to a deep sleep for seven hours.”

I’ve had three concussions in my life, and none of them because of sports. Just living life, man, you know? Stuff happens to your head. What are you going to do? One was in high school. I got pushed into a wall headfirst, and it took them three class periods to figure out I had a concussion. That’s how much I was bringing to the table. I mean, two teachers didn’t even notice, and the third one was like, “He wasn’t facing forward, and that’s when I realized.” “He’s one of the better facer-forwards I’ve ever had, so I knew.”

My biggest concussion was when I was 12 years old. I fell down a cliff. So I grew up in Old Hickory, Tennessee, and we used to climb down this cliff into Old Hickory Lake, and we’d done it a ton of times. And so one day, I slip and fall. So my friend that I’m with, he goes and gets my mom. There was a guy fishing in a boat down in the lake, and so he sees me and he gets me into the boat. He takes me over to some stairs, which he had to be like, “Why didn’t he just use these stairs?” They were right next to that cliff. [chuckles] It didn’t even make sense. Uh, there was two guys at the bottom of the steps, and he goes, “This kid fell. Can you carry him up?” So they carry me up. And now my mom’s in an ambulance in her pajamas. My dad, who I think everybody knows now is a magician, and he’s doing a show in a full tuxedo. So they get to the hospital, the doctor starts talking to my parents. I mean, my mom looks homeless. My dad’s in a tuxedo. It looks… It looks like they’re divorced and someone’s not paying child support.

So we’ve never known who was in the boat or the guys that carried me up the stairs. We’ve never known who it was, and we always wanted to thank them. Those guys truly saved my life, and we could just never find out who it was. So we never knew. So I tell you that to tell you, uh, last year, my dad is doing a show. He does these magic shows in prisons. So he’s doing a show at a prison, and during the show, one of the inmates just stands up and says, “I know your son.” Which is probably not the best place, as a father, to hear that. Just like, “I know your boy. He keeps his mouth shut. He’s good people.” [chuckles] So… My dad, he goes, “Hey. All right, how do you know my son?” And he was one of the guys that carried me up those stairs that day. I mean, I promise, I was 12 years old, and we’d never known who carried me up those stairs, and it was him and his brother, and then his brother saw me on The Tonight Show, and was like, “That’s that kid we carried up those stairs that day.” So it’s pretty crazy. So since then I’ve been actually bringing him out to shows. I’m gonna bring him out tonight. And… No, he’s not here. He’s in prison, but, you know. Sorry. Yeah. Trust me. Look, he would love to be here. Trust me. Uh… I mean, yeah, he’d kill to be here, to be honest, but… There’s one day. One day, I’ll get him. I did find out why he was in prison, which was crazy. So it was that same day. So they just carried a body down those stairs, and you can imagine the frustration to then be handed another body. Yeah, and you’re like, “Dude, are you serious?” “Like, we just did this, man.” You know? All right, that part I made up. But the rest, I swear the rest of it is true.

Our daughter is in third grade, and for first grade, she started taking the bus, and it was the first time she ever took the bus. So you know, as a parent, you walk them to the bus stop, it’s very fun. So we got her on the bus, she went to school. At the end of the day, someone from school called my cell phone. They have my wife’s cell phone, they have my cell phone. They called my cell phone, and she said, “Do you know what bus number your daughter’s supposed to be on?” And I said, “I’m her dad.” As in, “Are you cra…” I was like, “This is how you thought you’d get this information, was to call the dad?” “You saw Mom and Dad’s cell phone, you go, ‘I bet the dad knows.'” I was like, “Do you have parents? You ever seen a family before?” “You thought, ‘Let’s call the husband’?” “Unless there’s two husbands, you should never call a husband a day in your life.” “I’d rather you ask a lady that doesn’t know her.” “I think she could get to the bottom of it quicker than I can.” I had to go get her. “All right, I’ll come get her.” “Tell me the name of the school and I’ll come get her. Where does she go?”

When you pack lunches now, you got to be careful ’cause a lot of kids have peanut allergies now. And our daughter actually has a cashew allergy, with tree nuts. And so I don’t know what tree nuts are, but it could kill my daughter. The doctor goes, “Can’t have tree nuts,” and that’s it. He left. And I was like, “We’d love to know… I didn’t know where nuts came from, but apparently they come from two different places, and one of them’s a tree.”

I feel bad. Look, I want to defend all these kids with peanut allergies. I don’t think they get defended. They get yelled at by adults. We got a lot of adults addicted to peanuts in this country. And they’re furious. I haven’t had peanuts in forever. You take peanuts out of my life, I don’t think I’d notice. And we just have… Adults are yelling at these children like they chose it, like when they were born, the doctor goes, “Hey, wanna be a nightmare to everybody?” Every scenario is life and death. You ever been on a plane? They just announce it. These planes… Just serve pretzels and be done with it. But they try every flight, and if they can’t, they just go, “All right, everybody, can’t have peanuts today ’cause of that loser kid right there.” And these grownups are booing him. “The only reason I’m on the flight is for the peanuts.” “I don’t even know where it’s going.”

We’re doing homework too. Our daughter started bringing it home. Homework’s fun. First and second grade was awesome. Third grade, you’re like, “Okay.” They throw some stuff in, you’re like, “Oh, all right. All right.” It’s, uh… “Okay, learning it earlier than we used to, huh?” I don’t even know if that’s true, but… She brought home Common Core math. That’s fun. It’s a new math they invented, no heads up. Just give it to parents that never learned it. Uh… It’s just a whole new… I mean, it’s unbelievable. They bring it home, you gotta watch a 40-minute YouTube video on Common Core math. I don’t even understand it. If you know it… If you don’t know Common Core, it’s just a new math. And the goal of Common Core is to use one sheet of paper for every problem. You… You just want to keep breaking the problem down. You put the problem at the top, and it just keeps going. And then what’s even funnier is you see old math in the middle of it. As you break it down, old math gets in there and you’re like, “Oh! Just do that at the top. I don’t even know what we’re doing.” It’s not like old math isn’t working. Old math still… I don’t get incorrect change everywhere, just going, “This stupid old math!”

It’s a long way to get at the same answer. I told my wife, it feels like if you knocked on my front door and I opened it, and you say, “Can I come in?” And I was like, “Do you mind coming in through the back door?” “Does the front door not work?” “No, it works. I use it, a lot of people still use it, but the new way is to go jump the fence and come in the back and meet me at this same spot.”

Even though I make fun of Common Core, I have learned stuff from elementary homework, which is embarrassing. I’m 41. My daughter is eight. Nothing should ever come out of her mouth that I’m like, “What? What was that?” I learned when to use “a” or “an” in a sentence. [chuckles] I didn’t know that there was a rule in play. I thought you felt it out, you know, and just go, “That feels right,” and that’s what you do. I do the same thing with a comma. I’ve never known where a comma’s supposed to go. If I feel a comma’s coming, I try to get out of that sentence so bad. I mean, I… And if I can’t, I just put a comma and see if someone says something, you know? They’re like, “Is that a comma?” I’m like, “Is it? My comma button has been sticking on my phone.”

Uh… I remember nothing from school. People talk about history to me, I’m like, “I don’t know when you guys learned that. I think we skipped all of this.” I almost didn’t graduate high school. I had an F in science. I was taking a class called “Science” my senior year in high school. I mean, I had an F. My dad went and talked to the teacher and said, “Look, just give him a D.” “He’s not gonna do science stuff.” And the teacher agreed to it. She was that confident I wouldn’t touch the science world. I got… We took ACTs, and I got a 17 on it. And if you don’t know ACTs, 18 is like, “That’s not good, man, but you made it.” Seventeen, they’re like, “I don’t even… Are you enrolled in this school?” “Like, what are you doing?”

The only thing I remember is in seventh grade, we had a kid fistfight our PE teacher. That stuck with me. He was too old to be in seventh grade. He drove to seventh grade. If you’re a seventh grade teacher, and one of the kids drives, you just know you gotta fight that kid one day. There’s… It’s just happening. Like, you… People always talk to me very easy, too, or dumb. If I talk to a stranger, I can always feel it. And I think it’s my eyes. I have big eyes, you know? And so I just get a lot of, “You still with me, man?” And… I’m just sitting there, like, “Yeah, man, I’m listening.” He goes, “It felt like you could’ve been anywhere, you know?”

I got a reversible jacket at home, and I have two of them ’cause I didn’t know it was reversible. Bought them at the same time, tried them both on separately. Liked the black one, thought, “Might as well get the blue one, too.” Went and laid them up there, and I remember they go, “Are you sure?” I go, “Yeah, I think I know what I’m doing here, all right?”

The dumbest I’ve ever been talked to… I like to golf, and so a guy was telling me, there’s a real golf course in North Carolina where llamas are the caddies. So if you don’t know anything about golf, a caddy usually carries your bag around, tells you how far you are from the hole, helps you out. So this course, they have llamas. So you put your golf bag on a llama and it carries your bag. So he told me that, and then he looks into my big, dumb eyes, and he goes, “Just so you know, llamas can’t talk, though.” I mean, that’s the question he was trying to get ahead of as he looked into my stupid eyes. Like, he just… “I’m going to say it so that guy doesn’t have to say it.” I’m just at the zoo talking to the giraffes, “Hey, where you guys from?” You know? “I know where you’re from, but where are you ‘from’ from?”

[helicopter whirring]

I’m gonna let this one go by. You know, the hard part is I see them coming before y’all, and I just see a blinking light, like, five miles away, going, “That one looks like it’s coming,” in my head. In my head, I’m just like, “I think it’s…” You know? Couple times I’ve looked, and it was just stars. Uh… Honestly, I look up and I’ll be like, “That one’s not moving that quick.” Uh… “Feel like one’s just sitting on top of us.” You’re like, “Ah, it’s the moon.” “Is it?”

Uh… So I’m 41 years old. And when I turned 40, 40 was the first age I did not want to turn. I remember my parents turning 40. It just feels old. And it’s also the age that you do realize everybody you’re talking to, you are older than. Before you’re 40, I think everybody you talk to is your age, and for some reason, when you turn 40, you’re just older than that… I’ll be talking to them, like, “Remember that? It was ’97, ’98.” “I wasn’t born yet.” You’re like, “Golly! Are you serious, dude?” “In my eyes, we look the same.” “Where’s your dad at?” “Let me talk to him, ’cause I swear I thought you were my age.”

One thing I got when I hit my forties was claustrophobia. Never had it, actually got it here on The Simpsons Ride, which is what’s crazy. I mean, we’re 100 yards away from where my life fell apart. I rode that ride with my daughter, and we’re sitting on it, and there’s… We had another buddy, and he has his two girls on. So we sit there, and they pull the bar down, and the bar… My leg gets stuck in the middle, and it just opened a door that I never knew was there. I mean, it’s just… It is like a problem. I had to stop the ride. It’s super embarrassing to stop a child’s ride and just be like… I’m just waving, like, “I can’t do it.” Then they open the bar and go, “You can do it again.” I was like, “I’m out.” And just, no one got to ride it ’cause I couldn’t ride it. We all had to leave. Yeah, ruined it for everybody. Uh… And that’s claustrophobia, just kind of ruins everybody’s time.

It’s the… What’s funny… The panic of claustrophobia is pretty funny, though. It’s not funny when it’s happening to you, but how quick you go from normal to just an insane person, is just… It’s all at the same time. So it’s all kind of new to me, so I forget I have it, and I’ll put myself in a situation, and I go, “There it is.” I got in an Uber once with, like, seven people. We get in, I go, “I’ll get in the third row.” Try to be a good guy. I climb in the back, they put all the seats up, and it just starts hitting me. I’m back there, like… [sighs] Just trying to be normal, you know, not talking. Then you go, “Hey, you think you can roll the window down?” “You know what, can everybody just get out of the van real fast?” [chuckling] Just… We’re just driving down the interstate. “Could y’all crack the window?” “Do you mind if I drive the Uber? You think I could drive it?”

So I was born in 1979. And the reason I say that, ’cause if you are my age or just right around my age, very, like… Maybe ’78 to ’80, you might realize, or maybe you don’t know, I’ve never been called a Millennial or Generation X. I’d never even really heard any of those terms growing up, and now you hear them all the time. So I looked it up to see, I was like, “What am I?” And I’m technically nothing. I’m on a cusp. I’m a generation gap. And what we are called… Xennials, or we’re called The Oregon Trail generation. Or we’re called… My favorite name is The Lucky Ones. And it’s true. We’re very lucky. We actually grew up in two different worlds. When I was a kid, I grew up like it was the ’50s. You would go outside, and your parents just didn’t know where you were. We went to school and played Oregon Trail on a computer at school. No one had a computer at home. “What are you, a zillionaire?” Like, I mean, you couldn’t… But then in high school, I had AOL. We had a computer at home. Then I got a beeper, and then I got a cellphone. I didn’t have social media until I was 26, with Myspace, you know? I mean, social media, like… Whatever I did in high school’s a rumor. It can’t ruin my life.

So if you’re around my age, you might realize, you end up always being in the middle. Like, I understand. When a Gen-X’er says something, you’re like, “I get it.” A Millennial says something, “I get it.” You always feel in the middle. And these groups all hate each other. The most I’ve ever felt where I was in the middle is just this one hotel that I stayed at. So a lot of hotels now, they have Chromecast, and you can watch Netflix in your hotel room. So I’m watching. I get in my room, and I turn it on. My Chromecast is not working. So I called down to the front desk, and the oldest voice I ever heard answered the phone. This guy was a Civil War survivor. I mean, he… He was the age where you just go, “Thank you for your service.” Like, “Was he in the Army?” You’re like, “Probably, man.” “There’s an age where they all had to go at that age, so just say it.” Uh… So I tell him, “Hey, my Chromecast is not working.” I could’ve just made up a word. He’s never heard of that. I could have said, “My beep-bop broke.” I mean… He asked if I was staying at that hotel. That’s how confused… He goes, “Are you staying here?” I was like, “Do you think I’ve called a front desk from a different hotel room?” So he goes, “Look, I don’t know what this is, but there’s a younger guy here. I’ll send him up. He’ll help you.” And I was like, “Great.” So that guy comes up and he knocks on my door, I open it. He’s my dad’s age. Right when I see him, you’re like, “All right, dude.” “We don’t have to do this.” You know? I mean… “I know you’ve heard of it, but if I can’t fix it, you’re not gonna be able to fix it.” But he’s the generation that still wants to give it a try, so… I gotta let him in. So he comes in my room, sits on my bed, a little too far back, I thought. Uh… I just remember the back of his calves were touching the bed, and I was like, “Are your feet dangling? How far back are you gonna go?” Uh… “Are you cold? Do you want some covers, man?” He gets the remote and just starts pressing all the buttons. I said, “I don’t know if that’ll do it.” He goes, “Let’s just keep trying it, though.” I go, “All right.” Uh… [chuckles] “I’ll turn the shower on, open a window. Let’s try everything.” “Let’s just see. Maybe it turns on. Who knows? Maybe it’s all connected.” We can’t get it, and he goes, “All right, there’s a younger guy, he’s about to come to work.” At this point I’m like, “I’m the younger guy.” I was like, “It’s all right, dude. I don’t need it.” He goes, “No, it’s a Millennial.” And I was like, “Now we’re getting somewhere,” you know? “This is what the Millennial does. He was born with technology.” “He’ll know how to fix this.” I was excited. I was like, “Great.” He goes, “He comes to work in an hour.” I go, “Wonderful.” Let me tell you, know how quick that Millennial fixed it? I’ll never know, ’cause he just didn’t come to work that night, so… Didn’t call in, nothing. I found out ’cause the old guy called me ’cause he was supposed to fill in for him. He was furious, dude. He hates that Millennial. He goes, “He never comes to work, he doesn’t take it serious, he’s got a peanut allergy.” I was like, “All right, well…” I ended up fixing it myself because it was just unplugged. So, yeah, that’s my fault. Uh… [laughs]

The next morning, I dealt with my daughter’s generation. Which is a generation that I feel like just thinks about themselves, you know? And so I go down to breakfast, they have the breakfast buffet. We’re all going through it, this little girl’s in front of me, and she has waffles. So she gets a waffle, and there’s a coffee pot worth of syrup sitting on a plate. So you pour it and you leave it back on the plate, and then you go and eat your breakfast. So she gets the syrup, and she just takes it to her table. So now the syrup’s gone. And I see this happen, but no one else does, so I’m hearing people go through and asking where the syrup’s at. It’s starting to become a problem. People are like, “Where’s the syrup?” The hotel’s like, “I don’t know.” “That’s all the syrup we have, was out there.” I know where it’s at, but I’m not trying to get involved. I didn’t wake up and think, “I hope I get to talk to everybody this morning.” When you roll out of bed, you’re not like, “I hope I’m about to get in the thick of it down there.” So I’m just trying to say stuff as I walk by people. “Maybe someone took it to their table, look around, maybe.” I just, like, keep going. “You see that little girl’s table over there? Maybe they have it.”

And no one’s picking up on this. So I just have to go get it. This girl’s sitting with a bunch of her friends. So I go over to them, and I was like, “Hey, can we get that syrup back?” “That’s kind of for the entire hotel.” And she goes… They go, “Whatever.” All of them just blew me off. Then the father in me kicks in. I go, “All right. Just a heads up, just so you guys know, I did nothing wrong, and you guys have ruined breakfast for everybody.” “I don’t know if you’ve ever eaten out in public before, but do you see me over here with the tub of eggs?” “Do I have all the eggs?” “You did everything else, and for some reason you thought, ‘I bet this is all my syrup.’ And where are your parents at?” A couple of them started crying. Felt good, to be honest. I was away for a little bit. I like to practice on other children, you know, my discipline.

And to make fun of my generation, just so it doesn’t seem like I’m trying to skip over. Another hotel I was at… Another syrup incident, actually. I mean, I’m a big fan of waffles with syrup. I’m around syrup quite a bit, and… We’re at a Holiday Inn Express, so the breakfast buffet there, they have the cereal where you turn the knob and four pieces fall out. It’s like how you feed a cat for a long weekend, you know? You’re like, “That’s enough.” Uh… They had batter and syrup. They had the waffle iron where you make it yourself. You pour batter on the waffle iron, you shut it, turn it over, it locks. It cooks for two minutes, you turn it over, you open it. Half the waffle comes off, half stays forever. That’s how you eat a waffle.

I’m with a buddy of mine that’s my age, so we go through, he’s in front of me. Not really talking or anything, just going through. He gets to it. The batter and syrup, they’re in clear containers. They’re not labeled, but they’re in clear containers. He gets the syrup and starts pouring it on the waffle iron. I’m not even stopping him, ’cause he’s not doing it, going, “I’ve never done it.” He’s doing it where we’re probably going to try it after. I mean, he’s just like… You’re like, “Dude, I can’t wait to see what this guy’s making.” “He might know something that I don’t know.” He shuts it, turns it over, it cooks. He’s looking at us, we’re like… I mean, the whole line’s like, “Yeah, what is that going to be?” And it makes black smoke, is what it makes. Just, I mean, dark, black smoke just starts filling the lobby. The manager comes over. “What are you doing?” “I guess I poured the wrong one. These are not labeled.” The guy’s like, “They’re in clear containers.” Do you not know the difference of batter and syrup?” He’s like, “I bet it happens all the time.” He goes, “I’ve worked here my whole life, I’ve never seen this.”

So they threw the waffle iron… They just throw it away. That’s what they have to do, just throw it away. It’s over. Now there’s no waffles. We went from “all about to get a waffle,” to “it’s upside down in a trash can.” Then he just turns and looks, and it’s just a line of people with that little foam plate. And just everybody’s sad. I just hear someone in the back go, “I set my alarm for this.” Two guys didn’t have shoes on, “I ran down with no shoes in that elevator.” “I thought I was gonna miss it.”

So my parents are in their sixties. And when your parents hit their sixties, just so you know, you kinda realize… You go, “All right, I’m in charge of this family now,” you know? They don’t give it up, they don’t offer it away. They just start doing stuff that you’re like, “I don’t know,” you know?

We went to the store the other day, and we walk back to the car. We were in the store for an hour. We walk back, my dad’s… The driver’s side door is wide open. He drove, got open the door to go inside, and just kept walking. He’s been driving for 50 years. And I know cars are getting crazy, but one thing that’s stayed the same in all these 50 years is you gotta open and shut that front door.

My dad wore my mom’s pants to a funeral. That was the day I was like, “We can’t listen to this guy no more,” you know? “We gotta go get him. He doesn’t know what’s happening.” It usually starts happening when you start doing the holidays at your house instead of your parents’ house. That’s when it starts. And so my parents, once we did that, they downsized to a two-bedroom townhome. So they still wanted to do Thanksgiving at their house, but they don’t have the room for us. There’s, like, 20 of us. It’s like a college kid being like, “Wanna do Christmas in my dorm room?” There’s a table for four, and then they have to put a train of TV trays and nightstands that just weaves down this hallway. You’re sitting on stairs. We made the kids go eat in the car. We just go, “Go back in the car. You can’t even eat inside.” My mom didn’t have ketchup. I was like, “Everybody just has ketchup. It just comes in houses.” If I went to some alcoholic’s house, he’d have ketchup. His whole family’d be gone, but I’d say, “You have ketchup?” He’d be like, “I’m not that gone, man.”

So I was… I grew up in the ’80s and ’90s. I was a kid in the ’80s and ’90s. During the ’80s and ’90s, kids were getting kidnapped pretty rapidly. And look, I’m not trying to say we were more desirable or something. I… I think we were outside more, a lot more opportunity, you know? Also a lot easier to get us into vans. Uh, didn’t take much. And… So parents back then, they would watch TV, and I think it would scare the parents. You know, you realize now, now everything’s a crime show. Everything you watch is crime, podcasts are crime, movies are crime. You almost see it so much. But back then, you only had so many channels, and when they’d watch these shows, they were very powerful shows. My parents used to watch a show called Rescue 911, and it would just show reenactments of crimes, and it was powerful. I’ve seen three seconds of Rescue 911. I remember walking through the living room, my parents are watching it, I look at the TV, a guy has a ski mask on, a woman is asleep with her feet out from under the covers, and he started rubbing her foot. That’s all I saw. I kept walking. I don’t know what happened before or after, but I know I’ve never been able to sleep with my feet out from under the covers, because I accidentally saw that 30 years ago. And my feet get so hot, and I want to put ’em out so bad. I mean, I try it every night for 30 years, and then that image pops in my head, and I yank ’em right back under. I’ll be in a hotel room like, “He can’t get in here, dude, you’ve locked everything.” I’m like, “That’s exactly what he’s been waiting for.” “He’s probably already in here.”

So my parents, I think, watched a Rescue 911 where a kid went missing, so it got ’em scared. And I think they took it as, “Look, you guys are getting kidnapped.” “There’s nothing we can do. It’s happening.” So they wanted us to be prepared for it. So instead of, like, I don’t know, self-defense, give us a gun, I don’t know, something, what they did was… You know how you always hand out flyers if a kid goes missing? They’re like, “Let’s just get that flyer ready.” “We’ll just do that,” you know? If a kid goes missing, they always have a flyer. They put a picture of the kid and all the information below, so the height, weight, eye color, all that stuff. So instead of making a flyer, what they made us do was we wrote on a piece of paper our name, height, weight, eye color, and then we just held it up against the wall, and they just took a picture of us. So the picture is us holding our own information. And they said, “When the cops are like, ‘Hey, let’s get a flyer ready,’ we’ll be like, ‘Well, we’ve been rooting for this to happen.'” “‘We already have one made.’ We’ll give that to the police.” Which, if we would have been kidnapped, my parents would be in prison right now. No one’s going to believe you pre-took pictures. They’ll just look at this and be like, “Just tell us where the kids are at.” “That would be the easiest thing to do. I’ve never seen this ever.” They had to go get that printed at Walmart too. You couldn’t do that at home. You had to go show people that you’re crazy. We walked in Walmart. The guy’s probably like, “Could I talk to your kids by themselves for a bit? I’d love to chat with them.”

So I’m, uh, married as well. We… Me and my wife just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary. And… Thank you.

[audience applauds]

Uh, we’ve been together for 20 years, and I met her, it was before I ever started comedy. We both worked at Applebee’s together, is where we met. We’re big Applebee’s fans still to this day.

[helicopter whirring]

Hold on. Let me just… It feels like… Yeah, that’s a good one. How many… Are they not all doing the same job? You know, like… Wouldn’t they just be like, “I’m already over here, so you don’t gotta come over here,” you know? That’s what they should do. They should talk more. “I’m over here,” and he goes, “Okay, I didn’t realize you were over–” He’s like, “Yeah, so don’t go. I’ll stay here, and you stay over there.” “That’s our main thing, is that we can stay right here, you know?” All right. So my wife and I, we met at Applebee’s. And before I ever started comedy. I was a host, and she was a server. And someone asked her recently, they said, “Hey, do you think… Did you ever imagine when you started dating that your lives would become all that it’s become?” She said, “When I met him, he was a host, and I didn’t think he was smart enough to be a server.” So, yeah. We’ve gone a little bit farther than I expected. You know? [chuckles] I told her I wanted to be a server one day. She’s like, “You keep dreaming that dream, all right?” “I think if you try hard, you can get that menu memorized.”

Me and my wife… So I’m the dreamer of our group. I feel like in a marriage, one of you is a dreamer, you know, “Money’s not real, let’s have fun, let’s go do fun stuff as much as we can.” And the other person hates fun. That’s how you make a marriage. You can’t have two dreamers, you’ll be homeless in an hour. You need someone that walks around, “Is fun happening? I’d like to put a stop to that.” “Are y’all having fun? Stop it. Is the air conditioning on? Turn it off.” I married my dad, is who I married. My dad, who I thought air conditioning cost $100,000 a day to run it. We’d be on car rides, I thought if you turned it on, your car exploded. Like, just gas, you were out immediately. “Someone turn the air conditioner on?”

My wife’s always around too, I feel. Just always, like, near, you know… Especially at home, it’s like I married a cat. I’m like, “You’re just always on me.” If I go to the bathroom, she’s like, “I’m gonna paint the bathroom door while you’re in there.” I’m like, “You couldn’t do it later?” “No, I had all the time to do it.” “I thought I’d wait till you went in, that’s when I was gonna start.” If I eat something she doesn’t approve of, she just pops up, man. I mean, I’ll try to sneak it. I could eat an Oreo cookie in the attic at 3:00 a.m., and I would bet my life a light would cut on and she’d be like, “What are you doing up here?” If I question it, like, “What are you doing here?” She’s like, “I’m always here. This is when I do my attic stuff.”

She put Life360 on my phone, so they can track you even when they’re not near you. You might not even know you have it on your phone. It’s worse than what the government’s doing. I would rather the government track me than her. She calls me, “Why are you at Krispy Kreme Doughnuts?” I’m like, “I’m not gonna live like this, all right?” If I want donuts, I’m not gonna lock my phone in a gym locker and go pay cash for donuts. I’ve done it, but I’m not gonna do it every time.

God forbid I go to a store she has a coupon for. I’m out walking in the parking lot, just get a call, “Don’t buy anything. I have a coupon.” Like, “Do you think I’m gonna come home and get it?” “Is that what you think’s about to happen?” “I’m going to try to pay more, now that you called.” “I don’t even know if Target allows that, but I’m gonna try to negotiate up on this toothpaste.” “You better hope they don’t ask me to round up. I’m rounding up.”

I hate coupons so much, and she’s addicted to ’em. She will not let me… “I got a coupon.” Like, I just feel so stupid. I’m buying deodorant and I’m like, “I don’t have all the money, but I’m almost there, but I do have this coupon.” “One day, I hope to be able to pay full price.” “We are saving up as much as we can.”

One of the best fights we got in… It’s not… I mean, the fight wasn’t good, just ridiculous fight. …was over the saying “one fell swoop.” Just over that saying.

[helicopter whirring]

My wife and I… Hold on, let me… This is the last one. I just hear one in the background. ‘Cause you hear it from a far distance, and then it’s like he’s going that way. Doesn’t it sound like he’s going the other way? Right? Y’all are like, “We don’t even hear it,” and I’m just up here, I mean… Just haunts me for the rest of my life. Every show, we’re back doing theaters, I’m like, “Is that…” “You guys hear a helicopter?” You’re like, “Inside the building?” I’m like, “Yeah, does everybody hear it?” “Everybody, get down, quiet down. Is that a helicopter in this…”

All right. So we got in the fight over the phrase “one fell swoop.” Just over this saying. And if you’re a newlywed and you’re like, “That doesn’t make sense,” you’re right, it doesn’t. This is a double-digit married fight. This is when you’ve already done all the dish fighting or the putting-your-clothes-away fighting. This is when they’re trying to mentally break you. Uh… They got you almost how they want you, and this is the one that sends it over the edge. So my wife wanted to go visit her parents one weekend, and her parents are divorced, which has been hardest on me, to be honest. That’s something people don’t talk about, when you marry into divorce. They divorced because of her, not me, so why do I have to go to 50 different houses? [chuckles]

So… She wanted to visit her parents. She said, “I wanna do it in one fell swoop.” Now, I’ve never heard my wife say the phrase “one fell swoop.” We’ve been together 20 years, she’s never said it. It felt like someone that day told her, “Hey, you should start using ‘one fell swoop’ more.” She goes, “I’m about to call my husband.” It goes, “Perfect, use it 40 to 50 times on him.” She calls and goes, “I wanna visit my parents in one fell swoop.” I go, “Let’s do it in one fell swoop.” She goes, “I wanna do it in one fell swoop.” I go, “Let’s do it in one fell swoop.” “Let’s swoop it up, I’m down.” She kept saying it. “One fell swoop,” over and over again. And then when she went to describe this one fell swoop trip, she goes, “We’ll go to my mom’s, come home, then go to my dad’s.” And so I just, like, waited, and she didn’t say anything, and I just go, “That’s not what ‘one fell swoop’ means.” And instead of possibly just being wrong, she goes, “I know what ‘one fell swoop’ means.” I go, “Yeah? It doesn’t sound like you do, all right?” “We have the same last name.” “I can’t have you out there in a ‘one fell swoop’ conversation.” “What do you think ‘two birds, one stone’ means?” “Let’s go through them all. I dunno if you know any of these.”

She hangs up on me. So I get home, and you know when you walk home and you’ve been in a fight, and you’re like, “All right, how long is this fight? Is it happening still?” “Is it over? I don’t know.” I got to feel it out, you know? She never uses words like “sorry.” I’d love to hear that. That’s a word she definitely doesn’t know what it means. I say it all the time. I walk around the house with a sack of sorrys, just handing them out all day. I tried to give her some. “Would you like to carry these?” She’s like, “I don’t have pockets, so I’m good.” We didn’t talk that whole night. We’re sitting there, our daughter… We’re watching TV, eating. And I’m like, “Hey, you know your mom’s crazy, right?” She’s like, “Did you do your homework? You don’t wanna be dumb like your dad.” And then our daughter’s just like, “Are y’all lunatics?” So I’m laying on the couch, and my wife just came over and she kisses me goodnight, and then she went to bed, and that was it. You know? I felt like it was her “sorry,” I guess, but she didn’t say it. So I laid there, just thinking about it. You think about it a lot ’cause you learn the longer you’re married, sometimes it’s like, let stuff go, you know? Who cares. The next morning I get up and I still want to talk about it, ’cause we didn’t talk all night, you know? So I went to her, I was like, “Look, I got to tell you, I mean, it’s just not what it means, you know?” And that, that got it going real good. Uh, but I felt so good about this argument, you know, I thought about it all night. I was like, “You got this one in the bag, man. You should bring it back up.” “I’m not trying to date her anymore I’d like to win a fight.” “We’re gonna die together.” I almost woke her up in her sleep, that’s how much I was so excited. I almost started shaking her going, “It’s not what it means.” Our marriage almost ended in one fell swoop, so… All right. Thank you guys so much for coming out to this. Truly appreciate it.

[audience cheers and applauds]

♪ Got the keys to the kingdom ♪
♪ Family ♪
♪ Take it a la carte ♪
♪ Family ♪
♪ All four seasons ♪
♪ Family ♪
♪ Well, bless your heart ♪

[Nic] You don’t know Tonya Harding? I don’t know Tonya. No. Everybody knows that reference, all sports fans. You don’t know who Tonya Harding is? [laughs] Nobody knows Tonya Harding, dude! I swear! I can’t believe you don’t know this. I’m the biggest sports fan in your life. If I don’t know, I guarantee no one else watching this knows. You ask them, “Tonya Harding, Nancy Kerrigan,” you’re gonna have 80% of America, is gonna know. Eighty percent! You don’t have 80% of this bus that knows it! One finished first, one finished second? I mean, come on! I mean, come on! I convinced Nic that I didn’t know who Nancy Kerrigan and Tonya Harding were. Nic is learning this, that I do know who they are, he’s learning right now with you. I never told him. I absolutely know who they are. You’re literally saying that, “This is the first time he’s hearing it,” and I’m like, “It is the first time!” I keep going… Hitting my head.

[man] It was pretty great, yeah. “Come on! Come on!”


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