Mike Epps: Under Rated… Never Faded & X-Rated (2009) | Transcript

Filmed at the historic Fox Theatre in Detroit, MI in front of a live audience, Mike Epps showcases his comic versatility, charisma, endless supply of jokes and delivers non-stop laughter.
Mike Epps: Under Rated... Never Faded & X-Rated

[Cheers and applause]

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

Hoo!

[Cheers and applause intensify]

Hoo! Hoo!

Hoo! Hoo!

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

[Beatboxing]

[music plays]

If you’re born and raised in the “d,” make some noise! And give it up, from hollywood to the hood, for my brother — Mike Epps!

[Drum beat playing]

Let’s go!

All right! All right!

Cabbage! Cabbage patch!

Papa “c”! Papa “c”! Papa “c”!

Reebok!

I’m f*cking it up. I’m f*cking it up.

Stinky legs!

Stinky legs!

Stinky legs! Stinky legs!

Stinky legs! Stinky legs!

Stinky legs!

Doug e. Fresh, y’all! Doug E. Fresh!

[Cheers and applause]

Big “D”!

Doug E. Fresh!

Detroit, what’s up?!

[Cheers and applause]

Sit on down! Sit on down!

That n*gga Doug E. Fresh spit all over my f*cking forehead.

[Beatboxing]

Doddamn, Doug e.

One more time for Doug E. Fresh, y’all -legendary.

[Cheers and applause]

That’s legendary right there.

Man, y’all look good in the government check out here tonight.

We in the “d.” God damn it in the “d”!

[Cheers and applause]

You will get slapped out this motherf*cker.

You n*ggas slap midgets, b*tches.

N*gga, we are in the “d”!

I smell gunpowder, money, and cologne.

Ain’t nothing but killers and dealers out here!

I had to come to Detroit and do this.

[Cheers and applause]

This is where the Hitsville go down, ain’t it, in Hitsville, baby.

That’s right Hitsville.

Straight gangster shit around here.

That’s right.

I went over on 7 mile.

That motherf*cker need lotion like a motherf*cker.

West side! West side!

[Cheers and applause]

East side! East side!

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah, the police! The police!

[Audience boos]

You know they in here.

“I’m in here. I’m right here. I’m right here!”

Police always hit you with that, “aah!”

Goddamn, it’s going down.

Y’all motherf*ckers get y’all hair done every day.

Oh, you b*tches’ toes be f*cked-up, but hair be whipped!

You be like, “man, she’s cute.”

♪ Duh duh duh duh ♪

Where’s the toe budget at?

Goddamn, it’s going down up in this motherf*cker right here.

Look at all the married men can’t do nothing tonight.

Married men just whispering to hisself, “goddamn, why did i bring her ass out tonight? There’s some motherf*cking stars in here tonight.”

You know n*gga’s looking out the corner of their eye every five minutes, looking like this every five minutes.

This is that one right here.

“…looking at the b*tch for?”

“N*gga, ain’t nobody looking at no b*tch.”

A man use any excuse to look at a girl.

“She look like your friend denise.”

“She don’t look like my motherf*cking friend.

Look at the b*tch again.”

“You got a purse like that.”

“Look at the b*tch again. I ain’t got no motherf*cking purse like that.”

Married men act totally different when they by theirself, don’t they?

You see them with their wife. “What’s up, Tony?”

“Hey, man, how’s everything going, brother? Oh, just taking it easy, hanging out with the old lady. All right, god bless you. Take it easy now. All right.”

Be like, “that n*gga ain’t like that!”

You see him by himself. “What’s up, Tony?”

“Hey, where’s the b*tches at, n*gga?!

Where’s the b*tch ass?”

“There your girl.” “Where? Where she at? Where she at? She just pulled up? She’s outside?”

Every man in here is scared of their f*cking girl.

These motherf*cking women are detectives.

Just when you think you’ve slipped, and they got your ass.

That’s right.

They’ll tell you they’re going to bed and get up and come looking for you.

“I’m going to bed.” “Okay, i love you. Bye. All right.”

N*gga think, “I’m going up, looking for this n*gga’s ass. I know where he at. He over at chuckie and them’s over on Feday street. I’m going to f*ck this n*gga up.”

Your friends be looking out for you.

“I think your girl’s out prowling. I just seen her car.”

And don’t fall asleep, fellas, before your girl ’cause they will ransack your shit.

You ever fall asleep and wake up and realize you ain’t got that phone in your pocket?

Be like, “oh, shit. My phone. Baby! What room you in?! This b*tch got my phone. Baby, what room you in? You seen your mama? Where your mama at? Where your mama? Baby!”

They get that motherf*cking phone, it is a wrap.

That’s a real nightmare right there, Detroit.

You in a cold sleep, and that’s all you hear — “who the f*ck is this?!”

You can’t believe it’s happening.

You be like, “is this a dream?”

You be looking with your eyes squinting and shit.

“Who is this, n*gga? Ain’t no sun in here.”

N*gga looking like the sun’s in his eyes.

“Ain’t no sun in here. Who is this?!” “I don’t know.”

“Call the b*tch.”

You walk around the house butt naked with some underwear on, calling b*tches.

“Yeah, this is mike. Uh, don’t never call me again, b*tch, yeah. F*ck you, you know what i mean?”

He could be looking at his girl, talking, “yeah, b*tch, don’t ever call me back again, you hear me?”

“Call the other b*tch. I’m not playing with you.”

“Yeah, this is mike. Uh, don’t never call me back again. You f*cking my family up, b*tch. Bye.”

“Don’t be saying ‘bye’ at the end, n*gga! You’re trying to leave some hope, ain’t you? I’m changing the number in the morning.”

You know, f*cking women put the pressure on the n*gga.

They want to feel your balls when you come in the house.

“Let me feel your nuts. Your nuts feel empty, man. How much did they weigh ‘fore I left, man?

“I didn’t say nothing when you had that bottle of vinegar next to the tub.”

Look how all the old b*tches know what that is.

♪ Snap that pussy back ♪

[imitates whip]

“yeah, i’m gonna tighten this pussy up on this n*gga tonight. Two capfuls of this vinegar.”

♪ Snap that pussy back ♪

[imitates whip]

“Girl, I’m looking in my cabinet. I done ran out of that snap-back. Come over. I’ll be right over there.”

♪ Snap that pussy back ♪

[imitates whip]

All the young b*tches still don’t know what I’m talking about.

“What’s the vinegar shit he talking about?”

They going to the store right after this.

“What aisle’s the vinegar on, ma’am?”

“You must want to…”

♪ snap that pussy back ♪

[imitates whip]

Look at them.

They like that, don’t they, fellas?

But they don’t like when we make the pussy fart, do they?

[Imitates farting]

“You trying to be funny, you making my pussy fart.”

[Imitates farting]

N*gga make a song like Doug E. Fresh.

[Beatboxing]

“Get up. You making my pussy fart.”

They think they done did their thing.

Air done got in there. They lifted their legs up.

As soon as they let them legs down.

[Imitates farting]

“I’m so sorry.”

Don’t be sorry.

Which hole did that air come out of?

‘Cause i smelled steamed broccoli, goddamn it, now get up.

[Imitates farting]

I seen cream of wheat dust come out of there.

[Imitates farting]

And, fellas, you got to f*ck these girls good, ’cause if you don’t, they ain’t gonna give you no play.

You be like, “I wonder why she don’t say nothing to me no more, man.”

You see her in the club. “What’s up?!”

She be like, “hey… sorry-ass motherf*cker. Two-second-ass, b*tch-ass n*gga, wasting my time.”

You got to tear the pussy down.

If you don’t f*ck them good, you know they gonna pull out that little…

[buzzing]

Look at them. They love that shit.

[Buzzing]

Put the motherf*cking toy out of the equation.

You done tore the pussy down.

“Watch out.”

[Buzzing]

Then the batteries go down.

[Low-pitched buzzing]

You be like, “yeah, b*tch. You want to play now.”

[Low-pitched buzzing]

She all in the kitchen, butt naked on her tippy toes, looking for batteries.

“Oh, my god. The feeling’s going away. I need some batteries.”

All in the kitchen drawers, “oh, my god, where’s the motherf*cking batteries?”

They finally take the batteries out the remote control.

“Get the channel you gonna watch. Put the motherf*cking remote control down. I’m taking the batteries out of here.”

[High-pitched buzzing]

They get mad when we got a porno tape in the motherf*cking house.

“Keep these b*tches out of my house!”

Motherf*cking frisbee -threw the motherf*cker.

“I don’t know them b*tches. They live in San Diego.”

Women love to catch a n*gga jacking off.

That’s why you got to have the remote control right here on your lap -so you can hit “stop” and put your d*ck under your shirt.

“Who is that?”

Son!

That’s how women walk in the door on your ass — just like this.

“What are you doing?”

I’m gonna do it again.

This is how they come around the corner like this.

“Caught your ass, didn’t I? Smell funny in here.”

“What it supposed to smell like? My balls is out. Cherries?”

And, ladies, you got to watch these men.

Just ’cause a n*gga got money don’t mean he got his d*ck cut right when he was a baby.

N*gga pull his d*ck out, and motherf*cker got a turtleneck.

♪ I think this brother got a turtleneck ♪

“Girl, he got money, but he got blanket lint on his d*ck.

What do I do?

What do I do?”

I’m feeling good, motherf*cker.

We got a black president.

Can’t nobody tell me shit.

[Cheers and applause]

I feel like I can sell weed right in the middle of the street.

Obama smoke weed.

Look at that little walk he got.

You see that little walk?

I seen him almost fall one time.

See, this n*gga’s a pimp right here.

Lips purple -he smoking them grape swisher sweets?

Look at his lips.

Bush got all the money.

He’s a rotten motherf*cker, that little bush.

Oh, he somewhere right now with his shirt off, eating chicken wings, counting his money.

“Oh, I raked up pretty good.”

He just look at you with that little smirk like that.

You know how bush look at you, like, “you know I f*cked you. But what you gonna do about it? Nothing!”

They tried to f*ck Obama’s oath up.

You see when he had his hand up?

He had to stop and look at the man like, “I’ll slap the shit out you up here if you mess my shit up. Try to read my oath with a now and later in your mouth.”

You know Obama’s real.

He getting them threatening calls, too.

He got the same pressure of a n*gga that got 30 kilos in the basement.

[Imitates telephone ringing]

“hello?”

“I’m gonna kill you, n*gga.”

“Hello?!”

“I’m gonna kill you, motherf*cker. You think you the shit.”

“Jesse?

[Laughter and applause]

I know who it is, Michelle. It’s Jesse Jackson. Stop playing on my f*cking phone. No, you can’t come to the white house, n*gga. Trying to call me a b*tch on the mike one night.”

They caught Jesse’s ass hating on him.

“Talk about suck my d*ck, n*gga.”

They caught Jesse. Caught you, didn’t they, Jesse?

He sitting up there at the inauguration, crying, like he just so happy, looking like a drunk-ass Pekinese, just… “man, that sure was supposed to be me. Keep hope alive.”

He’s just a rotten motherf*cker, man.

You got Martin Luther King shot, man.

Pop!

“Watch out, king! Goddamn it! Get out the way!”

“Jesse, they was after you.”

“I know who it was. I know that. I tried to f*ck his wife. Let’s get out of here.”

Ah, shit.

That f*cking bin laden -they still can’t find him.

Every chance he get, he let them know.

As soon as obama won, n*gga call.

[Foreign accent] “we won, my n*gga.”

“Who is this?”

[Foreign accent] “it’s the n*gga you love to hate. It’s ladi-dadi. And we likes to party.”

He send him a tape every chance he get.

[Foreign accent] “this is my new video.

Exclusive.

‘Rhapsody the basement,’ with my n*gga, big tigger.”

[Imitates Arabic chanting]

[imitates drum beat]

♪ Gettin’ Bin Laden money ♪

♪ We gettin’ Bin Laden money ♪

[imitates Arabic chanting]

♪ We gettin’ Bin Laden money ♪

Just think of all them busta rhymes video.

[Imitates Arabic chanting]

Muslim women butt naked with just this on.

[Imitates Arabic chanting]

Oh, man.

It’s crazy out here, man.

White people, I feel sorry for y’all.

Y’all kids will kill y’all… in a motherf*cking minute.

“Timmy, you’re grounded.”

“And you’re dead, mom b*tch! You’re f*cking out of here, man!”

That’s how they always do the leg and their foot —

“you’re f*cking dead, mom! You’re dead -f*cking dead as dead, man!”

“Timmy, what’s the problem?”

“You’re the f*cking problem. You’re the problem, dad’s the f*cking problem. I told you I want my f*cking skateboard out the shop, b*tch!”

Look at white people. “I don’t act like that. My son doesn’t do that.”

You come home from school, little Timmy in the garage making a bomb.

“What are you doing, Timmy?” “Nothing, mom! Get out of here now! That’s why you’re f*cking out of here!”

You ain’t never heard of a little black kid killing they mama, have you? ‘Cause there will be a shootout in that mother. You know, black mothers got instincts like they in Vietnam.

“What you doing in that room so motherf*cking long? You need to say something when you in there.”

“This is my room.”

You know them black mothers love jumping on they daughters. Them mamas and daughters always got that little rival thing after a while. You know when the daughters start getting spunky with her mama, tell her to do something.

“I’m-a do it. Shit.”

“What did you say? B*tch, I’ll knock your head in between that washer and dryer. Don’t talk that motherf*cking shit to me.”

You know, black mothers love to do that first jump on.

“Let’s get an understanding around here, Heifer.”

And then they call and tell everybody.

“I had to knock Shaniqua’s motherf*cking — I tried to kick that b*tch all behind the damn washer and dryer. I guess ’cause she got titties she think she running something around here. I had to let her know – buy your own tampons! Until you can buy your own tampons, don’t say a motherf*cking thing to me. B*tch will want to borrow a tampon, talk crazy back to a b*tch.”

Then the next two days – “I love you, baby. Want to go have lunch?”

“Yeah, if you didn’t beat me all upside the f*cking head and told everybody at the church.”

Black mamas will hit your ass anywhere — church, parking lot, court -any motherf*cking where. If you ever get hit, you be looking to see who seen it. Be a white man just looking at you like this.

“You better be careful, little buddy.”

“You better shut the f*ck up.”

“He’s pretty feisty, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, I’m-a knock his motherf*cking teeth out of his mouth.”

[Laughs]

My mother tried to raise us Jehovah’s Witness. I was like, “oh, hell, no. Not that. No f*cking Christmas gifts? F*ck this shit!”

Keep tying notes to my shirt — “he’s not to participate in any activities.”

“This note won’t make it this year. I’m getting a f*cking gift this year.”

Knocking on people’s doors -“do you know the truth?”

“Get off my porch, b*tch.”

“Yep, the devil’s in there. Let’s get out of here, kids.”

Hey, it’s f*cking crazy out here. I want to turn my life over to God, but it is hard as hell. Every time something happen to us, that’s what we do.

“Oh, god, please don’t do it to me, man. I tell you this is it, man. I’m -I’m leaving these n*ggas alone. All these b*tches -I’m telling you this is it, man. I’m tired of this shit, man. I should have been came to you.”

As soon as you feel good, n*gga, you’re back out.

♪ F*ck these b*tches ♪

♪ I’m gonna f*ck these b*tches ♪

God be like, “he’s a lying motherf*cker right there. Lying-ass n*gga. Don’t you call me no more.”

These motherf*cking churches are getting expensive! You think these preachers don’t know it’s a f*cking recession? Every time they catch you catching the Holy Ghost — “we gonna take the plate one more time! Pass the plate one more time!”

I seen old ladies snap out of the holy ghost.

She’s like, “la-oh, hell, no! Now, that’s just taking advantage of a motherf*cker right there. That’s the third time he done sent the plate around here. Now, that’s it, now.”

They got families that know how to time that motherf*cking plate. You see a whole family get up. They know how to do it. You see the father get up first. Motherf*cker just start walking out. Kids be right behind him. Pastor, “look at this shit right there! Look at that! That’s what you call stealing, now.”

Some of them pastors need to quit it, for real. Like, them n*ggas that be on tv 4:30 in the morning. Be like, “n*gga, what the hell?”

“You got to understand. You see the lord — [screeches] let us turn the page 33, Corinthians 33:45. And it’ll tell you – you’ll see the — [screeches]” be like, “n*gga, it is the reason why you on the tv at 4:00 in the morning. You ain’t shit.”

And I’m telling you, man, tv and the computer is some bullshit. That’s all they got is bullshit on there.

Judge Joe Brown– you ever watch him?

[Imitates judge Joe Brown] “You mean to tell me you had $25, and you turned around and gave the other lady $8 of the money? Sit down.”

[Normal voice] What about judge Mathis?

He’s a motherf*cker, ain’t he? That’s Detroit’s finest. He’ll call you a crackhead in a minute.

[Imitates judge Mathis] “So that’s what the lady said. I know what she said. Huh? Go ahead. Say it again. And she’s a crackhead. I know a crackhead when I see one. Go ahead. Huh? And you gave her the $35. I know a crackhead. Yeah, I know your stuff. I went to school with people like you. You trying to pull a game on me. Gangs -I’ve been there.”

[Normal voice] Don’t you hate that guy on that college commercial – that Everest College commercial?

[Cheers and applause] “Get up. Come on. What you doing? You ain’t doing nothing with yourself. Come on, look at you. You look like a bum just sitting there! You ain’t doing nothing! Do something with yourself. Come on down to college. Man, you ugly as hell. Man, come on, man. Look at you. You ain’t got no job. You ain’t doing nothing with yourself. Come on, get a college degree!”

You be like, “shut the f*ck up, n*gga! I’m doing something with myself! I’ll kill that n*gga down at Everest College, man.”

10 minutes later, here come the b*tch.

“Come on. What you got in there, huh? You ain’t doing nothing with yourself. Life’s f*cked up.”

[Chuckles]

What about “First 48”? You ever watch that?

[Cheers and applause]

You got to read the Bible after you watch that shit. I’m straightening my life up after this episode. That was f*cked up. I ain’t bullshitting. It can happen. They need to call “First 48” “First 48 Snitches,” ’cause them are some ratatouille-ass n*ggas on that show. I haven’t seen an episode yet where they didn’t tell. Soon as the police ride up. “Put your hands up!” “Tony Clark.”

Police, “wait a minute, n*gga. Who is Tony Clark?”

“I tell you who it is. Come on. Let’s go. Let’s go downtown. I’m ready to get a soda. I’m ready to drink a soda, baby, let’s do it. And you better get two 90-minute tapes ’cause I got a whole lot of shit I want to talk to you about.”

That lady make everybody tell. What’s her name – ms. Mason?

You know how the show come on.

[Imitates theme music]

“In the first 48…” when they get the n*gga in the room, she go right in there at him.

“Now, little cookie, you know that I know that everybody in the hood know who killed little poo-poo Thursday night.”

This is how you know the n*gga gonna tell, when they go like this – [sighs] “booyah! I think we got him!”

When they come back from a commercial, n*gga been saying something. You can tell ’cause he got a cigarette. N*gga relaxed.

“Yeah, I seen a little something-something-something.”

By the time the show’s going off, this n*gga at red lobster.

“I seen three murders. Give me that butter right there. Put that…”

“N*gga, you done told for an ultimate feast?”

What I can’t understand about a n*gga telling, n*gga still go to jail.

You did all that telling, and you still in here?

N*ggas in jail are the lyingest motherf*ckers ever. N*gga be in jail lying like me.

“You know they took $100,000 from me, man! Kicked that dope, took $100,000, took $50,000, man. Took everything.”

You like, “why you ain’t got no money on your books?”

“They took everything. I didn’t even have $15 to put on any n*gga’s books.”

When n*ggas go to prison, man, they turn into everything. Straight up. I know a n*gga that done killed nine n*ggas. This n*gga’s in a Christmas play this year. This n*gga —

[Hums “the little drummer boy”]

♪ I me-♪

I said, “do they know who they got in this play?”

This n*gga is gonna tie Santa, everybody up.

[Hums “The little drummer boy”]

N*ggas come home from prison — they want you to take them to the mall, don’t they?

“Take me to the mall, baby. You know I just came home, man. Gonna get me right, baby! Take me to Northland, baby, get me a sweater! Yeah, man, take me there, man.”

They tell everybody, too.

“Yeah, Tony got me two sweaters. I just got two sweaters. Tony gave me two sweaters. I got a pair of pants the other night.”

See the n*gga a year later. “Man, you know I just came home, don’t you?”

“N*gga, you’ve been home for a while now. Quit lying, motherf*cker.”

And if you’ve been selling dope for 20 years and you ain’t got shit, it’s probably time to get a job.

I’m being straight up.

You can make more money on a job than them those kibbles and bits. You been throwing rocks at the penitentiary for $140 a week, anyway. For $140 a week. You might as well go get a job. You in it for the lifestyle, not the paper. You’re tricking b*tches with a gold chain.

Look at the sugar daddy right there.

♪ You could have whatever you like ♪

♪ I said you could have whatever you like ♪

♪ Hey ♪

Look at sugar daddy.

Sugar daddy!

[Cheers and applause]

If you don’t sit your big b.b. king-looking ass…

♪ You could have whatever you like ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Stacks on me ♪

♪ Patron on ice ♪

♪ Put it on down, but it just ♪

♪ I said, you could have whatever you like ♪

That’s right. Give it up for him, y’all.

One more time, sugar daddy!

[Cheers and applause]

That’s one of them old players Be looking over his glasses in the club.

Boy, there’s some fine b*tches in here tonight.

N*gga had this many keys.

Goddamn, this is magnificent.

Where are the bad b*tches at?

Goddamn, there’s some bad b*tches in there.

Smitty, where are the little bad b*tches in the house?

Oh, look at that ass – fatter than a country boy’s lunch box. Look out. Look out. Look out. Look out.

I’d like to had to got that pussy the other night.

I’d like to had to got that pussy.

I’d like to had to got it. I’m telling you.”

That’s how them old men be talking.

“Look here, son. Let me tell you something. I just got a whole new -i just got a whole new — look out there in the back of that trunk and get y’all soda out of there. Get your soda out of there.”

When them old men coming in the house, that’s all you hear.

[Keys jingling]

“Damn, what key is this? I don’t know what godda–“

[keys jingling]

Then you hear him holler. “Barbara!

[Keys jingling]

I don’t know what goddamn key this is right here.”

There’s some sugar daddies in here ’cause I seen about nine vans outside.

That’s all them old players drive is vans.

“Shit, I ain’t about no goddamn hotel. Take her right in the back of the goddamn van. Yeah, sure did. F*cked her for $77.”

N*ggas always say an odd number.

“Shit, get me some of that pussy for $38 the other night. Sure did.”

There’s a lot of older ladies in here trying to give away some of that cougar pussy.

[Hisses]

♪ You could have whatever you like ♪

“Come on, get some of this cougar pussy, young boy.”

Shit, them old ladies buy you lawn mowers and hedge cutters and shit.

“Mama bought you a hedge cutter, baby.”

“I ain’t doing no yard work, b*tch. Let me use the car.”

I got a buddy under investigation right now. This n*gga been taking food up into the nursing home, feeding old women, getting they checks. He riding around with the old women in they car. Old women got the same jogging suit he got on.

“Yeah, man, that’s my girl in there.”

I said, “n*gga, that ain’t your girl. Take that old lady home.”

3:00 in the morning, she in the car asleep.

This n*gga eating chicken outside of the car, music blaring.

Old lady in the car knocked the f*ck out with a jogging suit on.

I said, “man, take that old lady ass home.”

She about to get up anyway. It’s about 4:30.

She get up anyway that time.

I said, “this is a rotten motherf*cker right here, n*gga. You going to double hell with gasoline drawers on. You are f*cked up.”

I said, “do you f*ck any of them?”

“Every now and then, I hit one of them. Every now and then, I hit them and split them, you know what I mean? I do a little something to them. Get on, wave it around.”

I said, “you’s a foul n*gga. If I catch you near my grandma, I’m gonna f*ck you up.”

Some of them grandmas, though, they be hot in the pants. They be in there talking all nice to you and your friends. As soon as you walk out, they jump in your friends’ faces.

“Man, come and get your grandmother.”

“What? I ain’t did nothing. Ain’t nobody doing nothing.”

We have some sugar daddies in here tonight, and I knowing some older ladies in here tonight. And I just want to let y’all know that times have really changed. You know times have changed. How did we go from…

♪ Oh, girl ♪

♪ I’d be in trouble if I left you now ♪

…to… [rapping] ♪ I was gettin’ some head ♪

♪ I was gettin’ some head ♪

My grandmother is 80-something years old. She don’t know what “head” mean – the word “head.”

My little nephews was playing that song.

She came in there and said, “cut it off right now before I come in there and get some head out of all of you! And I mean cut it off right goddamn now! I gave your daddy head, your daddy head, your daddy head. I’ve been giving head around here for many years. Now cut it off!”

They was laughing like a mother. Every five minutes, they was running in the room, playing, “grandma.” “What?”

“You still gonna give us some head like you said you was earlier today?”

“You damn right I’m gonna give you head like I said. Keep on coming in and ask, I’m gonna give it to you right now!”

“I got to pee. I can’t do it right now.”

She didn’t know what the f*ck they was talking about.

My auntie told her what they was talking about.

They was in there asleep. She came in there.

“Get your motherf*cking ass! I was talking about sucking a d*ck earlier today!”

My grandmother’s sitting on the toilet like this with a cigarette and just open her legs and thump the ashes out.

Puh! Puh! Puh!

Shoulders be up.

“Come here. Get grandma some toilet paper.”

Puh! Puh! Puh!

Sometimes she lift her whole ass up.

Puh! Puh! Puh!

It look like Chris Brown is the new Ike turner.

♪ Wanna beat you, boo ♪

♪ Every day ♪

Pssh!

♪ Every night ♪

We don’t know what that Frankenstein-head b*tch did to him. There’s two sides to the motherf*cking story.

Shit, I’m down with the women, you know what I mean?

But the new law is…

♪ Whoever get the phone first, the other one’s goin’ to jail ♪

Shit, n*ggas be calling now.

“Yeah, uh, my wife just hit me in the eye. Get down here now.”

They don’t f*ck around with that shit.

They will give a n*gga a basketball-jersey number for that shit.

One time, my girl called the police and hung up.

Them motherf*ckers still came out.

“Unfortunately, um, somebody got to go down.”

I was like, “for what?”

“Um, taxpayer’s dollars. You made us come out here.”

She looking at me. I’m looking at her.

I went down there and got her, man.

She was madder than a motherf*cker.

What? I had to work that night.

She in the car like… [screams]

I’m like, “I know. I know how it is.”

[Sighs]

I’m just bullshitting. I’m just playing.

They all jokes, motherf*ckers – jokes.

Y’all get sensitive and shit.

Now I’m in the movies.

Motherf*ckers just want me to crack a joke all the goddamn time.

I’ll just be at places, man.

“Say something funny.”

Be like, “n*gga, you say something funny.”

People just walk up and ask stupid-ass questions.

“You talk to ice cube every day?”

“No, motherf*cker!”

Stupid shit.

And people love to call me day-day.

How long am i gonna be day-day?

[Cheers and applause]

Forever?

♪ Aaaaaaah ♪

♪ 15, 30, 35, 40 ♪

[hums]

♪ 45, 47 ♪

“I know Dwight.” “Dwight who?”

“‘Da white’ around your lips.”

And I’m escorted by top-flight security of the world!

[Cheers and applause]

[hums heroic music]

Yeah, it’s crazy around here, man.

I ain’t bullshitting, man.

I went to the strip club the other night – The Brass Key.

[Crowd shouts indistinctly]

It was rough up in there. Smell my fingers. I ain’t bullshitting. Come here, man. I cannot get this cat smell off my hand.

You’re like, “man, what the f*ck?”

A girl squirt some baby milk. I’m like, “what the hell was that all about?”

“I just had a son!”

I said, “do you see him in here?”

Had a c-section scar that went across this way. What you have, a baby or heart surgery? What the f*ck kind of scar is that?

I went and told the manager. I said, “girl’s squirting goat milk over there in the f*cking corner.”

“I know who it is.”

“What the f*ck did you let her work for tonight? You know who it is.”

I love Detroit! Y’all n*ggas is gangsta out here.

[Cheers and applause]

Yeah. I’ve been coming to Detroit since 1989. I went to the Job Corps right there on Jefferson Street.

[Cheers and applause]

My mama sent me up here to be an electrician. I went back home with a finger wave. She’s like, “oh, hell, no. You getting the f*ck out of there.”

I had a briefcase and shit.

“What the f*ck kind of new shit is this? What’s in the briefcase?!”

“Nothing.”

I love y’all n*ggas in Detroit.

Shit.

And n*gga asks why you all here at the show during a recession?

‘Cause y’all are some hustling sons of b*tches.

[Cheers and applause]

I don’t know where you get your money, but you get it. And if you’re poor, we won’t never know it.

Y’all keep y’all fronts all the way up.

You stay down until you come up.

A n*gga won’t never know what you got until he pull you to the side and say,

“man, I’m running on hard times right now.”

[Mumbles indistinctly]

That’s how one of them old players gets some money from you.

They just stare at you for a minute before they say something.

As soon as they catch your eye. “Let me holler about something.”

You’re like, “oh, what this n*gga want right here?”

“Look, man, tell you something, man, you know they took $3,500 from me the other day over there at tony and earl and them homes, right?”

You’re like, “here this n*gga go on one of them stories.”

You see that white man Madoff took all that money. You see that shit? Man, if that was a n*gga, he’d be dead. Shit, you can’t take $1,000 from a n*gga without putting a hit on you.

I’m for real.

You borrow money from a white person, don’t never give it back.

“This is it. This is the last $30.”

You borrow some money from a black person, they’re gonna threaten you before they give it to you.

“Let me tell you about my money, player. I works too hard for my stiff. You know what I mean? I started not to give it to you.”

You be like, “you know what — f*ck you and that $20, all right? About to f*cking lecture me, n*gga.”

The black people give you the money and tell everybody.

“What you doing?”

“Oh, nothing. Just gave Carlos $40. Doing pretty bad this week, man. You know, I guess God will bless me for it, you know what I mean?”

And everybody got to do the right thing, you know what I mean, trying to look out for each other.

You know what I’m saying? Shit, that’s all we got around here, these motherf*ckers, is each other. Shit.

That’s right. We ain’t got none of the old folks no more.

All these little, young kids -they f*cked up.

They ain’t got no direction.

Shit.

These little kids is on everything — slurp, pills, Xanax,

♪ Oxycontin, painkillers, cigarette, weed ♪

♪ Hennessy, vodka ♪

[hums]

These little n*ggas is Martians around here.

They go through 19 emotions.

You be like, “what’s up, little Tony?”

[Screams] “I love you. Ohh! I feel –“

[screams]

Be like, “what the f*ck is wrong with you?”

“I’m on everything.”

I’m retarded. I’ve been in Special Ed all my life. They have surrounded me around retarded kids all my life for nothing. For real. They said, “you retarded –” my mother said, “you was retarded when you was little. And you grew out of it.”

I said, “no, ain’t no f*cking growing out of it.”

I told her, “stop telling people that shit.”

“You was retarded and grew out of it.”

You don’t f*cking grow out of it.

If I was retarded then, I’ll be retarded now, right?

Do I look retarded to any of y’all?

Who’s saying “yeah”? F*ck you, man.

There’s some retarded kids in here ’cause I seen the van pull up outside.

They on a field trip -about six of them together.

That’s how retarded kids walk when they don’t know where they going.

“Toby, over here!”

“Leave me alone. And get out of my face.”

I went to school with a n*gga named junior.

N*gga had a big old booty, wore corduroys every day.

Corduroys and cardboard.

You’d say, “what’s up, Junior?”

“Get out of my face and leave me alone.”

N*gga tongue always hanging out.

“Leave me alone. Leave me alone.”

I walk in the bathroom.

This n*gga done pull his pants all the way down, pissing like this — ass out, belt buckle, underwear, everything down there.

I said, “man, unzip your shit!”

“Leave me alone.”

One day, I’m in the motherf*cking club.

This motherf*cker – this dude pull a hot dog out his pocket — in the bun -ketchup, mustard, everything.

I said, “did this motherf*cker just pull a dressed hot dog out his pocket?”

“Leave me alone.”

I stayed in Special Ed.

And the bell would ring. Teacher -“sit back down.”

I said, “b*tch, the bell just rang.”

“Put your helmet on.”

I said, “I’m not putting no motherf*cking helmet on.”

I was in there with a n*gga had a hand like this, but the n*gga sing R&B. And he’d go —

♪ Baby ♪

[beatboxing]

♪ And I really wanna love you ♪

[beatboxing]

♪ I said, baby ♪

[beatboxing]

♪ And I really wanna love you ♪

Little hand be swinging.

“You know, girl.”

[Beatboxing]

♪ Gi-i-rl ♪

That’s how he’d wipe the sweat off his head.

“This next song is… one of my favorites.”

Sometimes he’d get sexy with it.

He’d go… ♪ baby ♪ that’s how he looked on his debut album -like this.

[Deep voice] His new debut album —

“Where will I go now?”

[Normal voice] Y’all think I’m going to hell for that?

[Cheers and applause]

And you going with me. You was laughing.

♪ Baby ♪

[beatboxing]

That’s how he be clever. “Come on, put them nubs together. Come on! You know, ladies…”

♪ When I look into your eyes ♪

That’s how he get a lot of women.

He’d get the number with his back turned.

“Put your number in the phone.”

They be getting the pussy. You don’t see nothing but that hand.

“What is that moving?” “Don’t worry about it.”

Soon as the motherf*cker come…

♪ Baby ♪

[beatboxing]

There’s a lot of big girls in here tonight.

Where the big girls at?

[Women cheering]

I’m gonna start pointing y’all’s asses out.

You don’t want to make it known.

I see your honeybun-smuggling ass up in here.

I made a song for the big girls. Come on, y’all. Clap.

We’re gonna do the song for the big girls.

Come on now.

Everybody got a big girl, you know what I mean?

Some of y’all mamas is big girls.

And some of y’all n*ggas is big girls, too.

Come on now.

[Rapping] ♪ I like big girls ♪

♪ I cannot lie ♪

♪ If you need a man, baby, I’m that guy ♪

♪ Up in the club, V.I.P. ♪

♪ Big girls everywhere, and they lovin’ me ♪

♪ Yeah, I want a sandwich ♪

♪ I’ll take two ♪

♪ Put it in the kitchen ♪

♪ They know what to do ♪

♪ Lobster, chicken, biscuits ♪

♪ Put it in the oven ♪

♪ Kool-aid, pizza ♪

♪ Damn, I love it ♪

♪ Big girl, big job, big salary ♪

♪ Big girls don’t care about calories ♪

♪ Big girls don’t care who’s lookin’ ♪

♪All they wanna know is, “damn, who cookin’?” ♪

I’m Mike Epps. Thank y’all, Detroit!

[Drum beat playing]

[cheers and applause]

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