[announcer] Indianapolis, what’s up?
[crowd cheering, applauding]
This was real important to Mike Epps to come back to Indianapolis, to represent and put his city on the map. [yelling] Get on your feet! Put your hands together for Mike Epps!
[“Portsmouths Finest” by Djbabyegg playing]
♪ Uh, check it out, chick bein’ open Let me see it ♪
♪ If you lookin’ for a trip type You can let me be it… ♪
[Epps, over lyrics]
♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Makin’ big change, dancin’ ♪
♪ And makin’ good sweet dime On the floor, on the floor ♪
♪ Like a real, live moneymaker… ♪
Hey! What’s up, downtown?
Where the sexy ladies at?
Who ain’t got no panties on?
♪ I smell turkey bacon ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Some guys yelled too when I said, “Who ain’t got no panties on?” over there. Better not be over there naked, n*gga, up under them jeans. What’s up, Naptown!
Yeah. We on the Avenue tonight, y’all. We on the Avenue. Yeah. The Madame CJ Walker Building, man. [crowd cheering] Yeah, we on the Avenue, man. Everybody’s mama got lied to on this street before back in the day. This the Ave right here. [Chuckles] Yeah, we in motherf*cking Naptown. Yeah. Shut the f*ck up. Shit. Yeah, man. Everybody’s mama got lapped. My mama and daddy met on this street at a club called Place to Play. Y’all too young for that, yeah. That’s… Yeah, that’s where it was going down at the Place to Play, n*gga. The Avenue, n*gga. Ain’t nobody got no COVID in here, do they? Shit. They all on my ass. Little fake COVID card motherf*ckers.
Yeah, that COVID is some bullshit, man, you know. F*ckers talking about taking the shot. I-I don’t know what the f*ck to do. That shit is… they trying to scare you with the shit. “Go ahead and take it. Got a pill now.” [yells] I went on and got it. I said, “F*ck it.” I went and got the motherf*cker. Shit. Yeah, I went on and got it. When they start talking about cutting my shit off Netflix, I said, “Here! Where you gonna hit it at? Put it in.” I said, “Hit me in the ass with it. Hit me… Hit me…” [chuckles] I thought I had it, I-I did. I thought I had it. I went to the doctor. He said, “That ain’t what I said.” I said, “What’d you say?” He said, “I told you, you tested positive for cocaine on the 19th.” I said, “I didn’t hear you. Didn’t hear what you said.” “All I heard was 19.” See, n*ggas don’t wanna take the shot. The best way to get n*ggas to take that shot is put it in flavors. “That motherf*cker pi… That-that pineapple Moderna, n*gga!” “Shit!” “That watermelon Pfizer!” “N*gga, yeah. I’m on my ninth shot, man.” “You know they got the mango coming down next month, man.” [chuckles] We got the Mayor Hogsett in the house. Y’all, give it up for Mayor Hogsett! Mayor Hogsett!
Me and him was drinking all day today. That’s what I like about him. He don’t give a f*ck. He be on the commercials lit as hell. “Get another drink and go deal with these idiots.” Mayor Hogsett, y’all. Give him a round of applause.
[crowd cheering, applauding]
We got a lot of great people in the house. André Carson, y’all. André Carson! André Carson! From the hood, from the hood! You hear me. Yeah, man. That’s how we doing it in Indiana, shit. Yeah, man. We got a lot of great people in the house. We got the hood mama, Miss Bimery in the house! Give it up for Miss Bimery! She done helped all kind of n*ggas get out of jail around the neighborhood. She one of them Black women, if the police got you on the car, she’ll come down there, “What the f*ck did he do?” “Get the f*ck out of his face.” “You better not hurt him, motherf*cker.” “We’ll be down there to get you, baby.” N*gga in the backseat, “Go tell my mama I love her, Miss Bimery.” [chuckles] We in Indiana, man. This where n*ggas come to get white girls at.
This is where Black men come and get white girls at in Indiana. There be a brother in Brownsburg with a white girl, “I got a white girl.” “Yeah, I’m down here in Brownsburg right now, know what I mean?” “Me and my white girl got us a trailer park, you know.” “N*gga named Dewayne.” [mumbling indistinctly]
Yeah. All the brothers in here with a white girl right now, you had your ticket two months ago. Them white girls don’t play, “We’re gonna enjoy your show.” “You’re enjoy yourself. We’re gonna get your tickets.” “We’re gonna call your friends.” Black women will buy the ticket and won’t tell you they got it.
And be punking you all through the motherf*cking house. “You still wanna go to that show, don’t you?” “Better watch your motherf*cking mouth.” “You won’t be going.” “You can clean the whole garage.” Hmm. You know, if you got COVID-19, you can eat a stranger out. ‘Cause you ain’t gonna smell it or taste it. If a woman’s coochie stank, does that mean the kid’s gonna be bad? I mean, they did come from a bad environment. Fellas, never date a woman who don’t respect your wife. I said that wrong. I didn’t mean to say that.
[woman speaks indistinctly]
Yeah, this is a union, bitch. Ladies, you ever just look at your man sometime and just say, “I just let anybody f*ck.” Where the fat vegans at? Any fat vegans in here tonight? Them is some lying motherf*ckers, them f*cking fat vegans. “I don’t eat that, I don’t eat that, I don’t… Uh-uh, uh-uh.” “Have you read what’s in that? I don’t eat that, I don’t eat….” You eating something, motherf*cker. I got a cousin. She’s 700 lbs. She called me crying the other day. I said, “What’s wrong?” “They snatching women in the neighborhood.” I said, “And what are you worried about?” “Ain’t gonna snatch nothing around you.” “You might get forklift off one these streets.” Anyway, she been running down the street where the women been getting snatched. She’s jogging down the street, looking in car, trying to get snatched. She’s looking in the car. She running through the park. She waving at cars. ‘Cause you know how them big girls, they run real slow. The van that been… That been snatching the women rolled past her five f*cking times the other night. I told her, “What does that tell you?” “They didn’t see me.” I said, “How in the f*ck did they not see… They seen you.” How can somebody not see a-a circle on the corner? A big Cheerio standing there on the corner, and ain’t nobody see you. Anyway, she got snatched. They ended up… I think they snatched her last Thursday or something like that. Yeah, they snatched her. I talked to the detective. He said, “Mr. Epps, she got in the van.” [chuckles] Yeah, she got in the van. As soon as they stopped, she got in… It’s a lot of young girls in here with some old men in here now. I-I… Just sprinkled off in here. I’ll see your AARP card lit up. When you see them old men walk like Mr. Ricky, walk like that. He tired of you hiding him. You take him to one of them events? Not a event, a “e-vent.” “You gonna stop hiding me. Shit, I’m ready to be seen.” She be walking up front. “Come on, Mr. Ricky. Hurry up.” Mr. Ricky, “Everybody know we’re together now. You cut the bullshit.” When Mr. Ricky get mad and she say the wrong thing and he turn around, he gonna say, “Look, bitch. Let me tell you something.” He done put that spin on it like it was a-a-a… “Look here, let me tell you something. Don’t you ever in your f*cking life!” Yeah, well shit. [Chuckles] I like Indiana ’cause everybody play basketball out here. Everybody can play ball a little bit. A little bit, you know. We got the Indiana Pacers in the house. Give it up for the Indiana Pacers!
Pacers! Yeah, them my n*ggas right there, them Pacers! Yeah. I tried it, yeah. Everybody in Indiana thought they was going pro. End up going to prison. You ought to see them n*ggas playing ball in the penitentiaries in Indiana. Boy, them n*ggas is some bad n*ggas. Yeah, real shit. And I used to make the team. I used to make the team. And then when them report cards come out, over with. The coach say, “Yeah, man.” [chuckles] “You might be able to play that last game we got against Manual coming up.”
Yeah, I used to just shoot the ball. Coach be mad. Everybody be lining up just cussing motherf*ckers out. “I don’t give a damn. You need to get back on defense!” And when he got to me, he said, “You are not Reggie Miller.” I was like, “F*ck basketball. I ain’t playing this shit.” Everybody in Indiana can play ball, and when you see a n*gga that’s pigeon-toed, that got a booty up high, them n*ggas can dunk right there. N*gga that’s pigeon-toed, booty up high, n*gga can jump out the ceiling. That’s how you do it. “Throw the ball up here. Throw it up here!” One of them pigeon-toed n*ggas, “Throw that ball up here. Throw it up!” Jumping out the ceiling!
Shit. Yeah, that’s real. I see a lot of white people. I wanna tell you, y’all are about to be extinct in a minute. ‘Cause you’re not f*cking enough. White people, no, they don’t f*ck enough. They only got two kids to a house. Black people, we f*cking. I don’t give a f*ck. You can put us in prison. We gonna get the guard pregnant. “Come here. Put your ass up against the bars.” [grunting] White people, they be thinking about their money. “I can’t come in you right now, honey.” “I have to get our stocks and bonds up before I bust in you.” N*ggas don’t give a f*ck. We don’t give a f*ck. We can be poor on welfare. [blows raspberries] “Yeah, let’s bring this poor baby in the world.” [blows raspberries] [chuckling] All the motherf*cking women that’s feeding their kids Popeyes chicken, them n*ggas is going to the NFL. You want your baby to go pro? Eat Popeyes while you pregnant. He’s going pro. All them NFL players, their mama and daddy is 5 foot 2. They 6’8″, 399 pounds. Motherf*ckers was eating Popeyes when they was in the stomach. [chuckles] Big breasts. Chicken wing, that butter biscuit. Yeah, that’s some good shit right there. Yeah, I love Indianapolis, man. This is a… A good, cold motherf*cker right here. It’s good and cold, you know what I mean? Everybody here been to jail at least once. [chuckles] I got my lawyer in here right now from 1992. Where you at, Jeff? Put your hand up, Jeff Baldwin. Jeff Baldwin stand up.
[audience cheering, applauding]
You got so many n*ggas out of prison, it don’t matter. I was facing 20 to 50 years. Jeff told me, “It don’t look good, Mike.” [laughs] “It don’t look good, Mike. I’m telling you that right now.” But that’s good, man. When you got a real lawyer, know what I mean? Not one of them fake-ass public pretenders. You in jail, and they never been to jail, and here come some young motherf*cker, “Okay, sign your name right here.” “Let’s get it over with. You wanna get out, right?” [chuckles] Yeah. Marion County Jail, that motherf*cker right there, shit. I seen Mike Tyson one time. I was like, “Mike.” He was like, “Where you from?” I said, “Indianapolis.” He was like, “Oh shit!” He was like, “I don’t never wanna go to that motherf*cker, right there.”
I remember one time I had a girl come from out of town. She came here. Got her some White Castles and shit. She jumped off the plane. “I’m hungry.” “Oh, Indianapolis. I love Naptown.” I took it, “I’m hungry Let’s get some food.” I took her to White Castle. She was eating them little hamburgers. She was… Onion rings. [Mimicking chewing] I called the next morning, she in the hospital over… In f*cking Wilshire, she over there. They pumping her stomach. She said, “What the f*ck was in them hamburgers?” She said, “The doctor said I almost died last night.” She said, “F*ck that shit.” Yeah, that’s some real shit. I know during the pandemic, that was some scary shit. Everybody was stuck in the house. You go to the f*cking grocery store, everybody looking at each other crazy. “You ain’t got it, do you?” [chuckles] Walking through the grocery store, ain’t no motherf*cking toilet paper, all soap. I said, “They… Yeah, they wiping their ass, but they ain’t washing it.” There’s some funky booty n*ggas out here somewhere.
That shit was crazier than a motherf*cker. Dr. Fauci on the f*cking TV every day scaring motherf*ckers. “Well, this is the problem.” “I know that in two months we’re gonna be okay, all right?” N*ggas like, “Two months?” People that ain’t never been locked down before, they was going crazy. It was just good for everybody that been to jail. It was like, “Yeah.” “Gonna get my little noodles out,” you know what I mean. “My crackers, gonna make me a slam. Sit back.” “Chop them little beef jerkies down in there with the cheese and shrimp.” Look at the jail n*ggas. They know about that. They know about that little jail tray right there. Yeah, that shit was crazy. Wasn’t nobody having fun but the scammers. All the PPP loan-thieving motherf*ckers, they was on Instagram and Facebook like this. Look at these stealing motherf*ckers on… People that had jobs was praying. “This too shall pass.” Yeah. If you stealing f*cking money, you know what I mean, from thin air? F*ck it. Take it. F*ck ’em. Take the money. All the money they ain’t took from you. F*ck ’em. Take the f*cking money. Just don’t be buying no shoes and belts and shit with it. Buy you some land. Buy you some property and some, yeah…
[audience clapping, cheering]
…with that stolen-ass money. Buy you some houses ’cause you gonna need it when you get out ’cause you gonna get some time. They’re gonna lock your ass up. You going to jail. That’s f*cked up. You gotta get your teeth fixed when you stealing. Anything you doing wrong, get your teeth fixed and your health right. So at least you’d be healthy in there. Every time you buy a belt, that tooth you ain’t fixed is in the back, shaking his head saying, “Look at this motherf*cker buying another belt.” “My tooth been back here smelling like shit for two years.” “And you buying another belt, n*gga?” [chuckling] I decided to sell drugs. I was the worst drug dealer you ever seen in your f*cking life. Yeah, you know. You gotta be a certain type of motherf*cker to sell drugs, you know? I was just, you know, I walk up to the car with my hand like this. F*ckers just hit my hand and ride off. [screaming] Okay, that’s the first sign. Get a f*cking job. You know. I remember one time, ’cause I had a gift of gab, I was talking to this drug dealer. [mimicking conversation] Motherf*cker gave me half a kilo. I was like, “Hey!” “I’ll see you next week.” “Okay, all right, yeah.” I didn’t know who to sell it to. Man, I sat on that man’s shit for two months. He was looking for me. [Chuckles] That’s the worst feeling in the world. When you owe a drug dealer? Shit. Everybody in the hood be telling, “You know Big Tony looking for you, man.” “Yeah, I seen him. Yeah, I know where he’s at. I talked to him.” “You ain’t talked to him, n*gga. He looking for you.” And the other drug dealers be helping him catch you and shit. You be at Foot Locker buying some shoes. “Yeah, he up here buying some Jordans right now.” “With your money, Big Tony.” “Hold him there. Stall him, stall him!” “Stall him!” That’s the worst feeling when you owe a big drug dealer some money. You sitting there shooting dice, and he walk up. And you like, “Uh.” “Hey, what’s up, Big Tony?” “Uh!” [laughs] He like, “What am I gonna say to this n*gga right here?” I remember I was at this place called the Epicurean, know what I mean? It’s an old after-hour joint, right there off Sutherland, back in the day, in the ’90s. And I used to take my jacket and put the cocaine down in my jacket, so when the police checked me, they didn’t find it. And I’m at the Epicurean shooting dice. It ain’t nothing but old men in there, old gamblers and shit. They in there shooting dice. They got signs on the wall. “No drugs.” “No guns.” That’s all that’s in there. Everything on the wall they say, “No, don’t have it,” it’s in there already. I’m shooting the dice. I threw the dice, and all the dope came out. All the old men, “Ah!” One of the old dudes, “Get your ass outta here. What the hell?!” When I got outside, he said, “How much you want for two of them?” Yeah. During the pandemic, I’m telling you, shit, that motherf*cking COVID shut down everything but child support. That’s the only thing kept rolling, that child support kept rolling. When you pay the child support that I pay, you be mean to your kids. [yelling] “Shut the f*cking door!” [in normal voice] “Dad, got straight As.” [yelling] “I don’t give a f*ck!” That’s the only thing that kept rolling was child support ’cause I called down there. I called down there. Yeah, I told the lady, “Do you see what’s going on in the world?” “You keep sending f*cking child support bills here, bitch.” “Do you see the world’s ending?” She said, “We don’t have anything to do with that, Mr. Epps.” “You better get rich or die trying.” I told her, “F*ck you. Go get the manager.” “I don’t wanna talk to you. You don’t own the f*cking child support place.” Yeah, shit. During the pandemic, I was watching The Verzus. That was pretty good. Yeah, the best one was Bobby Brown and-and Keith Sweat. [Laughs] I thought Bobby Brown was fittin’ to die, but that n*gga…
♪ Every little step you take ♪
♪ Every little step you take ♪
♪ Be together ♪
I said, “They better get a paramedic out there for this fat ass on the side of that motherf*cking building.” I love Bobby Brown, though. I love Bobby Brown. Yeah, yeah, shit. Keith Sweat came out there with that little Aladdin jacket on. He got a permanent hunch in his back from f*cking aunties in the ’80s. He f*cked over 300 aunties in his whole career. He might’ve got your auntie. He was at Faces. Mike Jones and Tandy, all them n*ggas was at Faces.
There’s a lot of young grandmas out here, y’all. These grandmas nowadays, oh my God. They ain’t… y’all not gonna be like our grandmas now. Don’t forget. Our grandmas was listening to Natalie Cole. Y’all listening to Megan Thee Stallion. So you know what kind of grandma that’s gonna be. “Baby, we was twerking like a motherf*cker.” “I had n*ggas in my DMs like a motherf*cker.” “Me and Rose went to a Cardi B concert.” “We had a ball.” [chuckles] “Not Rose.”
“Me and Laquisha went, though.” [chuckles] “Remember 90-years-old Laquisha.” “Me and Laquisha had a ball, bitch.” [chuckles] Eighty-three-year-old peaches. [chuckles] Yeah, that’s some real shit, man, you know? All these beautiful ladies in here. If you beautiful and you know it, make some noise. Come on.
Yeah, where’s your confidence at? Where’s your confidence at? If you beautiful and don’t know it, make some noise. [audience chuckles] [woman whoops] Okay, one dumb broad right there. Just… She had to say something. I thought she didn’t know it. If you’re not beautiful at all… But your confidence is through the roof, and guys be trying to sneak and f*ck you, make some noise.
[man in audience] Yeah!
One guy said, “Yeah!” [man in audience] Yeah! Shut up, n*gga, shit. [chuckles] ‘Cause all the girls that look like Beyoncé, they got money, be sitting in the corner just quiet. Ain’t having no fun. All the bitches that look like Kirk Franklin, these bitches got bottles. You got sections and every motherf*cking thing. Yeah. It’s hard being in show business, man, you know. ‘Cause everybody wants something from you, you know. You wanna give it to them, but you don’t have enough. [chuckles] ‘Cause that’s f*cked up, you know. That’s how Black people are. We be all… You go to a picnic. You be famous and shit. Everybody be happy to see you. There be one n*gga in the corner eating looking at you like, “Yeah.” What the f*ck is wrong with him over there? “Yeah, I need to holler shit for a minute for you.” [chuckles] Yeah. I be walking in Indianapolis. This is the only place I can come, motherf*ckers keep it real with me. Everywhere I go, people be happy to see me. “Mike Epps, Mike Epps!” I come to Indianapolis, man, I… [chuckles] I’m in the grocery store. Motherf*ckers just walk up. “You still telling them corny-ass jokes up there?” That’s why the f*ck I don’t come back to the area. You n*ggas is haters, man. [chuckles] Yeah, that’s some real shit, man, you know? Y’all got a lot of nice-looking ladies. I tell guys all the time, “Don’t f*ck a girl with Uggs on.” Girls that wear Uggs are hoes. One, uh, uh, uh… Yeah, that lion color Ugg? That’s… That’s a ho right there. That sable Ugg? Them is hoes right there. They’ll f*ck you in the back of Arby’s. Big roast beef.
[mimicking stomping noise]
[sighs] [chuckles] I remember I got robbed in Indiana when I was young. N*ggas put me in the trunk. They was about to kill me. I’m telling you. As soon as they cut the music off, I was like… They was like, “What?” I was like, “Play that again.” They was like, “You better shut the f*ck up back there!” [chuckles] Bill Cosby’s out. Yeah.
[scattered applause in audience]
Yeah, see, I wanna be with Bill Cosby. But I remember he was talking about brothers wearing their pants sagging. He really, you know, he really wasn’t with us. He was, but he wasn’t. But he went down, you know. And it was all white women that told on him. That’s what was f*cked up, all white girls. You seen the interviews they did. Yeah. A bunch of white girls told on him and shit. I just seen him in Atlanta about, about two weeks ago. I seen him down there at Macy’s. He was buying some sweaters. He had some tank tops and shit. He had a mask. He didn’t know I seen him, but I know his little moves. Remember from the TV show.
[singing The Cosby Show theme]
That’s how he was turning around in there.
[singing The Cosby Show theme]
I told my boy, “That’s Bill Cosby.” I was just f*cking with him. I walked past quick. I said, “Where the hoes at?” He was just, “Hey!” “Where are the hoes?” Bill Cosby, he was knocking out all white women, though. It was all white girls. You seen the white girls on the interview. They told on Bill. He was knocking out all white girls. Poor white women, he was knocking ’em… “Oh, Bill!” [mimics burp] He was…
♪ Oh, what a relief it is ♪
He tried to knock some Black women out, but they drink every night. Tolerance too high. He put four pills in a Black girl’s drink. She talkin’ about, “What? Something supposed to be wrong with me?” “You’re gonna be dead, bitch, all the pills I just put in your motherf*cking drink.” They locking all the Black men up, you know what I mean? F*cking Weinstein. He thought he was gonna get off ’cause he was sick. Every time he come to court, he couldn’t walk. He like this… They said, “Get on in here. We got a…”. “We got a medical ward in the prison too.” “You going to jail, white boy.”
R. Kelly man, damn. What a singing motherf*cker, oh man. Singing-ass n*gga right there. Who was gonna beat R. Kelly in The Verzus? [in singsong voice] Nobody. No, I’ll tell you who would’ve beat him. A judge. A judge would have tore his ass up. [chuckles] Yeah, that’s some real shit. ‘Cause I’m from Indiana. You know how this town can be, right? But I’m gonna be honest. I’m so tired of acting like I don’t like white people. I only do it in front of Black people. White people, if you heard some of the shit I said about you when I was around Black people… And then I go back to my gated community and hug my neighbor Bob and his wife Cindy and tell him, “I love you, Bob.” I’m a fake-ass n*gga, y’all.
Soon as Black people get some money, they don’t wanna be around Black people. “Nuh-uh, get them n*ggas away from me. I don’t deal with no Black people.” “F*ck that shit.” “N*ggas are so dinky.” “Them some n*ggas? Get them n*ggas away from here.” “I don’t deal with no n*ggas.” [chuckles] Yeah, that’s some real shit, man, you know. See all these young girls in here. Young girls, y’all need to hang with nothing but Tina Turners, older women from Haughville. Tina Turners and-and Betty Wrights. Older women know how to ask you for something. Young women don’t know how to ask for no money after they gave you coochie. Older women know how to ask for that money. This how an older woman ask for some money. “I was wondering, since we spent a couple hours together, seemed like you enjoyed yourself.” “If you have it on your heart to do something nice for me so I can get my nails and my toes done, a few other things.” How you gonna tell this motherf*cker no if she done said shit like this? This is how young girls ask for money. “You still gonna do what you said you gonna do, OG?” “I gotta give you $200 and take an antibiotic?” “Bitch, don’t come back. I don’t give a f*ck.” [chuckles] Yeah, that’s some real shit. “Period.” That’s what young girls say. “Period.” “Per…”
I can’t get with the young audience. “Period!” And my kids, they just dance. I’m talking about these young kids with these dances and shit. “Stop f*cking moving around me!” One of my daughters did it like… I’m like, “Hey! That ain’t no dance, is it?” “This shit right here?” That’d got you hit in your eye back in the day. Acting like you finna hit a motherf*cker. [chuckles] Yeah, man, I grew up in Indianapolis, you know what I mean. Busting fire hydrants and shit. Going to free lunch programs at School 48. Yeah. The, uh, Diagnostic Center. I love everything about Indianapolis. This is a beautiful town right here, man.
[audience cheering enthusiastically]
This city right here definitely made me, man. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, this show was dedicated to my mother and father. I lost both of them last year, you know what I mean? So… They are real Indianapolis natives. Mary Reed, Tommy Epps. My father worked at Navistar for 40 years.
Yeah, my mother used to work at Blocks. Yeah. [Chuckles] You remember Blocks? [audience] Yeah! You remember them big Spiegel’s catalogs?
You’d be ordering shit out of there, yeah. That’s good old Indianapolis right there for you, man. Sammy Terry. [In creepy voice] Ooh! “Good evening and welcome to Sammy Terry.” [in normal voice] He used to have me with my underwear, “Ah!” “Sammy Terry gonna get you!” That’s how my mother made me go to bed. “Sammy Terry gonna get you.”
Yeah, man. Everybody don’t know about Indianapolis, but it’s more than corn here. You know what I mean?
[audience cheering enthusiastically]
Real smart, intelligent, educated people, man, and some real good hustlers. You know what I mean? Yeah. I learned how to hustle here, you know? Yeah. ‘Cause I used to sell candy, but I hated going on 30th and Clifton ’cause they’d take the box. I know everybody in here personally. So I’m in here. All this Hollywood shit I’m doing is for the cameras.
Yeah. My dad, Tommy Epps, he used to hang at The Grand all the time, you know. Yeah, he used to hang at The Grand. That was his spot. One time I was in jail. I was in jail, ’cause, you know, I was young. You know when you young and Black, you know, the older guys get out of prison. They sell prison to you real good, you know. “I was up there in Pendleton for two years and then another three years.” “Then I did five years down in Wabash.” They make it sound good. You like, “I gotta go. Shit, I gotta go check this.” “I gotta check this shit out.” Yeah, I was in jail one time. I was telling my dad ’cause I ran into an OG. He was talking good. He was talking about the white man. “Yeah, the white man is the reason why you in here.” I was thinking, I was like, “No, I did that shit.” He caught me. The white man caught me. And he was an OG. He was sitting there telling me about all this shit, and I called my dad. I was like, “Dad, man, I’m in here with a dude.” “He is so smart, this dude. Oh God.” “He is a real OG.” My dad was like, “Yeah, shit.” [chuckles] “He ain’t too smart. He’s in there with you.” I was like, “All right, Dad. I gotta go. They about to cut the phones off. Bye.” [chuckles] Yeah, my dad had a good sense of humor. One day he called me. He was talking about some kids that robbed the bank. He was like, “Yeah, some motherf*ckers robbed a bank in Indiana and shit.” He said, “Man…”
He said, “The news people asked the kids ‘What made you do that?'” He said, “One of the kids said, ‘Shit, man,” we was watching Heat and we just said, “we just said, f*ck it.'” My dad said, “Shit, they must’ve not watched the ending of that motherf*cker.” Now, they got f*cked up! Yeah, shit. My mother, she used to go to them f*cking PTA meetings. Them teachers be lying on you and shit. You ever see your mother talking to a teacher and you just looking at your mother like… “I’m gonna tear your ass up later on.” Yeah. My mother used to talk about she was gonna kick the teacher’s ass. “I’m gonna let that bitch know. I’m gonna let her have it.” And get up here and be nice. “Okay, bye-bye, excellent.” “Get your ass in the car!” I’m like, “What the f*ck did she tell you?” Yeah. And see, now that I’m grown, man, I got my life together, I like admitting shit, you know.
I mean, it ain’t quite together. You know. But, you know, I ain’t doing what I used to do. You know what I mean? To be from Indianapolis, you know what I mean, to come up out of this motherf*cker right here? [whistles] This is a bad boy right here. You don’t know it ’cause you live here. You don’t go nowhere. I mean, some of y’all do, but this is a bad motherf*cker right here. You know. No… no high school, uh, diploma. You know, three felonies. Food stamps. Kaboom cereal. King Vitamin. How in the f*ck did we make it? You know what I mean? ‘Cause the Black man been through so motherf*cking much, the white, you could just talk about shit, talk about white people all day, and they’ll say, “I understand.” “I really understand. I get it.” “I understand.” [laughs] But the Black man is a bad motherf*cker in America. You hear me? You know? A bad motherf*cker. To start on zero and still win, you a bad motherf*cker. [audience cheering] That’s why we need Mayor Hogsett. Yeah, he like the people, know what I mean? We need a… an abolitionist with us. [audience laughing] We need a white Frederick Douglass right here in Indianapolis. “Come on! Hurry up!” “Here they come! Get out of here!” My man André Carson, straight out of the hood. Got a seat at the… on the… At the White House. That’s some good shit right there. My man Amp Harris, man been throwing parties and helping the community forever. My man “Boom Boom” Mancini, good brother right there. Straight out of the community, straight out of the hood. Mike Jones. My man Red Slaughter right there. The Bradley family, you know what I mean? All my brothers and sisters, the whole east side, Haughville.
‘Cause I know y’all seen my new Netflix TV show, you know what I mean? Based out of Indianapolis. Monty was like, “Yeah, I see you got you a new show with Tommy Davidson.” I said, “That’s Wanda Sykes.” Yeah, ’cause these little young dudes, man. They… Woof! Ooh. [Exhales] They need some help. That’s what they need. Yeah. ‘Cause these little kids are disrespectful nowadays. Little motherf*ckers. Like I said, the grandmas is different, you know what I’m saying? Yeah, the f*cking grandmas is different, man, shit. Remember, back in the day, them grandmas in our neighborhood… You catch eye contact with an old lady, she say, “Go to the store for me.” Oh shit. Now you gotta follow this old-ass lady in the house. House hot as hell. “Let me show you. It cost $1.89.” “Come here. I’m gonna show you what it is. Come on up here.” “Reach up there and get that out of there right there.” “It’s back there by the orange juice.” “And… and baby, get you something.” “Get you something.” “I’m gonna get me something. You might not get all your shit.” That’s what I do to old ladies around. I take their money. Yeah, that’s some real shit, man. But I love telling jokes, know what I mean? I can’t see myself doing anything else, you know? Yeah. These little young dudes around here, they are scary, you know. I was at a gas station the other day. Some young dudes was sitting in the car. I know they was talking ’cause they was laughing. I was like, “What the f*ck is fun… “. Soon as I walked back, ’cause I have some braids. Motherf*cker was like, “Tight braid head ass.” I was like… I heard it, but I was like, “F*ck them motherf*ckers.” I just went in the gas station. Man, I walk out, and I hear another motherf*cker, “Big short ass.” I said, “Oh hell no.” I walk up to the car, I look down across, say, “Little motherf*cker! Let me tell…”. And when I look, they had a machine gun in the back seat. I said, “God bless you, little brother. Y’all have a good day. Take it easy.” Let me get the f*ck away from here, shit. That was a good thing Dave Chappelle did. But I wouldn’t advise a motherf*cker that ain’t got no money to do it. F*ck around and say something about the LGBTQTs. You better have some money. Say the wrong shit about them, them f*ckers be outside.
[chanting] “F*ck Mike Epps!” “F*ck Mike Epps!” “F*ck Mike Epps!”
And mean it too. I tell men all the time, “Hey, man.” “Don’t be angry about gay people.” “‘Cause if you too angry, it look like you hiding something.” They don’t bother me, no. I see them all time. I’ll see ’em at the airport… “Mike Epps!” I was like, “Calm down. First of all, calm down.” “Stop making all the goddamn noise so everybody see us over here.” “I wanna take a picture with you.” I said, “I’m taking a picture, man.” I’m looking around. I was like, “Man.” We finna take the picture. Everything cool. Something told me look down, so I looked. He taking a picture looking. I said, “No, n*gga. We ain’t taking that picture right there.” “With your face looking at me, n*gga, we ain’t doing that one.” He finna have me on Entertainment Tonight, n*gga.
[singing Entertainment Tonight theme]
I got married again, you know. I got a new wife, you know.
[audience cheering, whooping]
Hope I don’t f*ck this one up, you know. [chuckles] Yeah, man, being married is a motherf*cker, man. Especially when you’re in show business. ‘Cause pussy just fall out the sky. Hey, hey! You gotta step over. “Excuse me, pussy. I’m gone.” “Gonna f*ck my life up.” I love being Black, man. If I died and came back, I still wanna be a n*gga. Ain’t that something?
[audience cheering loudly]
Look at the white people. “You sure you wanna do that again?” You goddamn right. It’s hard being Black, but it’s fair, ’cause when you Black in America, shit, you know you start off on zero, you know what I mean? You don’t never start off on ten, you know. You need people that started off on ten to help your zero ass. You know what I mean? So, yeah, it’s hard being Black. Black people been through so motherf*cking much that white people, if you talk about them, they’ll just say, “I understand.” “Go ahead. Go right ahead.” “You guys, it’s unfair. Go right ahead.” “I understand.” [chuckles] Yeah, shit. African-American, shit, ’cause everybody got somewhere to go but us. If the Mexican get mad, he can go back to Mexico. If… if… Yeah. If the Asian get mad, he can go back to Asia. If we get mad, we ain’t got no motherf*cking where to go. I thought it was Africa until I went. Motherf*cker was like,
[in African accent] “You are not one of my real brothers.”
[in normal voice] I was like, “What?”
[in African accent] “Yes, my brother. You are not one of my brothers.” “You are very lazy.” “You do not take advantage of your education.”
[in normal voice] I said, “Can you drive this cab a little faster?” “And get some deodorant immediately….” “With your over-educated, underpaid ass.” Everybody think they going to heaven, and they’re not. God knows your crooked Christian ass. And if anybody ever left here before you and went to heaven, I don’t care if it’s your mama, your daddy, brother, sister, cousin… They went so you could get in. ‘Cause you wasn’t getting in. You wasn’t invited. It’s who you know. [chuckles] As soon as you get to heaven, man, the pearly gates are standing there and everybody wanna get in. It’s like a club. You can’t get in. Everybody’s trying to get in. The big bodyguards are standing there, and Jesus come out like a promoter. He let all the bad bitches in. “Let her in.” “Them two right there. Let that girl in right there.” “Let the two girls.” “Oh, I’ll text you.” [chuckles] Yeah. You wasn’t going to heaven. But all them Black ghetto mothers in heaven, they’ve been letting their sons in. They got a side door up there. Them Black mothers been lettin’ them, “Come on, baby, come on. Get in here!” “You smell like weed. Come on!” “Put the wings on. Put the wings on.” “Zip it up. Flap, flap!” “Act like you’re a angel.” I love y’all, Indianapolis. God bless y’all.
I’ll see you motherf*ckers on Netflix. Naptown! I need the mayor, Joe Hogsett, to come to the stage.
I’m proud to declare November 20, 2021 as Mike Epps Day in the city of Indianapolis! And last but not least. I need. Congressman André Carson to come to the stage.
You will be etched in the Congressional Record of the United States Congress forever, acknowledging your contributions as a comedian, producer, actor, entrepreneur, and most importantly a Hoosier. We love you, Mike. I’m putting you on notice. We need a street named after Mike Epps. We got Coach Mike Woodson in the house tonight! Mike Woodson! My man, Woody, right there, man. Straight out of Indianapolis, yo. I-I just, I like, [voice breaking] I just wanna thank you, you know. And thank all my friends and family. I love you all, man. Thank you. Uh… I’m grateful, man. I’m grateful… I’m grateful that I can come back home like this. Everybody can’t come home. You know what I mean? So to be able to come home, this means everything to me, y’all, and I really appreciate it. Does anybody have a Backwood out there that I can…