Mike Epps: Don’t Take It Personal (2015) | Transcript

Mike Epps tears up the stage at L.A.'s historic Orpheum Theatre in a special packed with blistering impressions and unapologetically raunchy swagger.
Mike Epps: Don't Take It Personal

[upbeat piano playing]

[piano crescendos]

[indistinct radio chatter]

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m DJ Brandi Garcia. Give it up for Miss Chloe Flower on the piano. Now, LA, everyone, get up on your feet. Give it up for the baddest man in comedy, Mike Epps!

[piano playing resumes]

[hip-hop beat playing]

What’s up, LA?

♪ Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ Where the weed at? Where the weed at? Where the weed at? ♪

♪ Throw it up here, throw it up here Throw it up here, throw it up here ♪

♪ Where the sexy ladies at? ♪

[cheering loudly]

♪ Ho! Where the big girls at? ♪

[scattered cheering]

[music stops suddenly]

No, there’s more fat b*tches in here than that. I seen a whole bunch of fat b*tches walk in here on their toes, like this. That’s how them fat girls walk, like, yeah… Sometimes, they put a skip on it, like that.

What’s up, LA?

[all cheering]

Where the weed at? I ain’t bullshitting. Where that weed at? That’s how I get my dope at the shows. Throw it up here. Last night, a n*gga threw an eight-ball of cocaine on the stage. And I kept that, too. I said, “Shit.”

[chuckles]

We got all kinds of ages in here tonight. You know what I’m saying? Let’s see who’s in the house. 1960 babies? 1960 babies?

♪ It’s about y’all bedtime ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I said, a n*gga smell Icy Hot ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

On this side, say “Blue Cross, Blue Shield.”

Where the ’70 babies at? ’70 babies? You pregnant at the same time your daughter is, b*tch.

Where the ’80 babies at? ’80 babies? ’80 babies? ’80 babies!

Whoo!

You crackhead motherfuckers!

This y’all mommy and daddy right here, look.

[audience laughing]

Where the ’90 babies at? ’90?

[audience cheering]

Y’all can’t fuck, fight, read, cook, clean. Y’all ain’t shit.

All y’all know how to do is show your pussy on Instagram.

Y’all didn’t get no ass-whooping. That’s what’s wrong with you.

You didn’t get your ass whooped like you supposed to had.

That’s why all our self-esteems is low, ’cause that law wasn’t out.

Your mama was beating on you like a real n*gga.

Hitting you in your back with their fist like this.

Ahh!

“N*gga, I kill you, hear?”

My mama done told me, “N*gga, I will kill you!”

I said, “B*tch, I believe it. The way you just said.”

[exclaims] That’s what’s wrong with y’all.

You remember them ass-whoopings.

You sleep like a baby after your mama whoop your ass.

That’s some of the best rest you ever gonna get.

[chuckles] Yeah, you sleep like a motherfucker in there.

You be layin’ in the bed and shit…

Yeah, you in the bed, crying like a mother–

[sobbing]

“I didn’t… I didn’t even… do nothing to…”

She on the phone, tellin’ everybody, “I fucked him up.

Girl, I tried to kill that n*gga.

He look like his daddy, Robert Earl.

That’s what made me jump on him the way I did.

I tried to kill him, girl.”

When you wake up, it’d be nighttime.

Your mama done whooped a whole day out your ass.

You wake up going… [sobbing]

“Mama…

Fat-ass b*tch! Fuck!”

That’s when your brother come in the room fucking with you. “Whoo-wee.

Tore your ass up, didn’t she?”

“You better get out of here, little b*tch, and leave me alone.”

Yeah.

I grew up real poor, you know what I mean? From the hood, you know?

I ain’t got no room to be modest.

It’s time for me to shine.

[audience cheering]

If you got some good pussy, and you know it, clap your hand!

Yeah, right. Some of you b*tches lying like a motherfucker.

Some of y’all’s pussy ain’t been good since junior high.

I see a couple n*ggas in here with white girls.

You didn’t pay to get in.

Yeah, you see a n*gga with a white girl at the bank, the n*gga’s in the car.

The white girl at the machine talking ’bout, “How much?”

“B*tch, all the money out of there. Get all the money out of there.”

[chortling]

You can borrow money from a white girl and don’t never give it back.

“This is the last $40, Tyrone. You’re taking advantage of me and my mom is starting to notice it!”

“I don’t give a fuck what your mama’s starting to notice.

She wanna give me some of that pussy on the low.”

You borrow some money from a black girl, she gonna threaten your ass before she give it to you.

“Let me tell you something about my money, motherfucker, before I give it to you. I works too hard for my shit. And I’ll kill a motherfucker…”

You’ll be like, “I don’t even want it, here.

You done threatened a motherfucker, here.

Take this $7 back, b*tch.

You one of the pettiest b*tches I know!”

There’s all kinds of pimps and players out here tonight.

I seen a n*gga walking in here with a hip replacement.

N*gga, like, “Yeah…”

[audience laughing]

Would you let a n*gga fuck you that walk like this?

“Sharon! Sharon! Sharon!”

I’m getting old than a motherfucker, I can tell.

‘Cause when I say something to the young b*tches,

they be like, “Hey, Uncle Mike.”

“I’m not your uncle, little young b*tch. I want to fuck ya.”

[laughing]

“I wanna do something strange for a little piece of change.”

I can tell I’m getting old now, ’cause I’ll be sitting at the bar, a lot of older women are starting to approach me.

I’ll be sitting at the bar, all of a sudden, I hear, “Hello, Michael.

My name is Mildred, Michael.”

“Mildred?”

“Would you like a cold glass of red wine, Michael?”

I said, “No, I’d like you to get your goatee off my neck, Mildred.”

Morgan Freeman-looking-ass-b*tch sneaking up behind me.

When you fuckin’ them young girls, they want some money.

“Give me some money.”

“Nope.”

“Give me some… Don’t touch me. Give me some money.

You still gonna do what you said you gonna do, OG?”

When you fuckin’ them young girls, you gotta take a half a pill of that Cialis and a Red Bull and beat that young cat up.

That’s how it sounds when you beat that young cat up…

[imitates cat screeching]

‘Cause when you fucking them cougars, that sound like…

[imitates cougar screeching]

“Young man, young man, young man! All right… [exclaiming] You’re all in my guts, young man.”

They warm your food up and shit, everything.

“I got the Salisbury steak, mashed potato, green beans, with a little broccoli in it.”

Yeah, it’s getting crazy out here.

A lot of you b*tches is out of season tonight.

Yeah, some b*tches got some shit on y’all supposed to have in June on.

It’s colder than a motherfucker out here.

That’s them good-pussy walkin’ b*tches.

B*tches walking in here, like, “Yeah.”

That’s a good-pussy walk, ain’t it?

“Man, I bet that pussy good, right there.”

[Mike chuckles]

I see all you fellas covered up, make Mama happy.

That’s right. Happy wife, happy life. Make Mama happy.

If you wanna be happy in the house…

‘Cause you fuck around and make Mama mad, the whole house is sad.

Yeah, the kids ain’t talkin’ to you. “You a mean daddy.”

“Fuck you. You ain’t got nothing to do with this.”

You fuck around, make Mama mad, the whole house is sad.

Yeah, women know how to shut the whole house down.

Ain’t no food being cooked. Ain’t no pussy being given.

None of that.

The whole family is in one bedroom.

They bringing food from the kitchen in the bedroom, like…

I’ve been smokin’ that motherfuckin’ weed, shit.

I was smoking with a n*gga the other day and dropped it.

N*gga picked it up and hit it on the way up.

N*gga said, “Here you go, man.”

[inhaling] “You dropped your shit.” [exhaling]

I said, “N*gga, who the hell… You gonna reward yourself?”

[laughs]

All these beautiful ladies in here.

That’s right, fellas. Treat the ladies right.

Y’all smellin’ good in here, too.

There’re some boogerwoofs, too, now. Don’t get it…

It ain’t all beautiful b*tches in here.

Three of ’em got backstage.

They was like, “What you doin’ after this?”

I said, “Going to bed. I’m not fuckin’ none of y’all.”

Three of them b*tches from The Lord of the Rings snuck in the back.

“Michael! Get me the ring, Michael.”

[chuckles]

Yeah, you get into an argument with your girl… Them arguments are… They are pinnacle in a relationship.

You get into an argument with your girl, y’all say some shit to each other y’all couldn’t believe each other said about each other.

In the middle of the argument, your girl will be like, “For real?”

“Yeah, for real, b*tch!

You look like a hobbit.”

And women know how to say some shit to fuck our ego up.

“Little-dick motherfucker! Get your dick game right.”

Sometimes they clap. “Get your dick game right.”

Yeah, we cuss your ass out, we want to talk the next day.

Yeah, women’ll make your ass suffer.

“You done called me all kind of b*tches. I ain’t talking to your ass for a while.”

We want to talk the next day and act like nothin’ happened.

But y’all won’t answer the fucking phone.

But we keep calling. Fuck it.

“I’m gonna fuckin’ keep calling, b*tch, ’cause I got something to say.

You wouldn’t let me finish.

When we was arguing, I had three more ‘shits’ to say to you.

Let me get that off.”

And you finally start leaving messages after three days.

[imitates voicemail beep]

“That was fucked up, what you did Friday.

You fuckin’ crazy!”

Second day, real different. [imitates voicemail beep]

“I don’t know where you at… but just let me know you all right. I don’t wanna talk to you, either.”

Third day, real different. [imitates voicemail beep]

“You see Love and Hip Hop last night?

Then I watched Empire. You see Cookie on Empire?”

[laughs]

Fourth day, real different. [imitates voicemail beep]

“Hey, look, I prayed on this last night. We cannot do this without God. That’s what’s fuckin’ our relationship. We ain’t got no spirituality in it. Call me back, now. Oh, yeah, and I’m going to get help, too. I talked to the lady this morning. I want you to go with me. Call me back. I love you. Bye.”

Fifth day, real different. [imitates voicemail beep]

“Fuck you then, b*tch! You wanna act like a n*gga did something that motherfuckin’ bad? Fuck you! ‘Cause I know what I am to this relationship. Call me back, now! Or I’m gonna kill myself, b*tch. This is not a game.”

N*gga shoot the gun in the sky and drop the phone.

[imitates gun firing]

[audience laughing]

But then the motherfucking phone ring. [imitates phone ringing]

“Oh, man, she callin’ back!”

But you supposed to be dead.

That’s when you call her mama. You ever called a b*tch’s mama?

“I’m gonna tell her mama what she’s doing.”

Like her mama gonna agree with your ass.

[imitates phone ringing] “Hello.”

“How you doin’, Ms. Jane?”

“Well, well, well. If it ain’t Ike Turner in here. Actin’ the fool.”

“I guess you heard what happened.”

“Yeah, she said she sick of your shit. You didn’t… Yeah, she is sick and tired of it. She said that you won’t let her go nowhere. She said that you are abusive. She said that– Shut up and let me finish saying what I’m gonna say to you. She said that you said you gonna kill all her friends.”

“Did she tell you what she said to me, Ms. Jane?”

“What?”

“She said I had a little dick.”

“Well, do you? Shit.

Motherfucker?

She said you not workin’. That’s the main one of ’em.

You are not workin’.”

Yeah, it’s fucked up, man. It’s crazy. You know what I’m sayin’?

And don’t hit no woman, boy. You goin’ to jail.

That’s right. Don’t hit no woman, boy. You goin’ to jail.

Yeah, ’cause they got…

They layin’ in the bed with their thumb on speed dial on your ass.

“I ain’t gotta put up with this shit, n*gga.”

[imitates speed dial] “Hello?”

But they got a new law now.

Whoever get to the phone first, the other one’s going to jail.

You ought to see the n*ggas on the phone.

“My name is Tony Johnson, my wife…”

N*gga running down the street with pajamas on. “My wife…

My wife just hit me in the eye.

I’m at 4131 North Park.

I’ve been to prison three times.

She got a C-section scar right down her stomach.”

[Mike laughing]

Yeah, ’cause the police get there and always separate y’all and shit.

“Shut up. Don’t say nothin’. Shut up. Don’t say nothin’ to her.”

Now, y’all over here looking at each other way across the street.

“What the fuck you call the police for?”

“‘Cause, n*gga, you said you was gonna kill me.”

“I always say I’m gonna kill you. Have I ever killed you?”

A lot of young girls are dealing with old men now.

You’re dealing with old sugar daddies.

Who’s sitting in here with Mr. Charles right now?

Who’s sitting in here with Mr. Ernest right now?

I see all them minivans outside and them Cadillacs, and them Chrysler New Yorkers.

Who’s sitting with Mr. Ernest right now?

That’s how you got your ticket.

Some old man done bought your ticket.

He’d been tellin’ people for weeks he gonna bring you here.

“Yep, I’m gonna take her down there to the, uh…”

[muttering]

“What the hell?

I’m gonna take her down there to the, uh… to the Orpheum this weekend.

I think, uh, Mike Epps is supposed to be down there.

But, er, um…”

They don’t have no underwear on. Balls and change, all that be…

“But, er, um…”

Them old men get mad when they’ve been paying your bills, you don’t give ’em no pussy.

“I need to talk to you for a minute. I need to talk to you for a minute, Sylvia. Shut up, you gonna listen to me. I listen to you, you gonna listen to me.”

They be tryin’ to keep their false teeth in their mouth.

“I listen to you, you gonna listen to me. Now, I come over here the other day and gave you $100. Not a hundred, but $100. And every time I go to touch on you, it’s a problem, see, b*tch? I’m gonna learn you tonight. I’m gonna learn you.”

‘Cause you don’t know who your mama gave some pussy to when you live in the hood.

You don’t know who your mama gave some pussy to.

You walkin’ out the grocery store, and some old n*gga walk up, talkin’ about, “How’s your mother doin’, little brother?”

“Who the fuck are you?”

“Tell her Sea Monster said hello, all right?”

N*gga get mad and go home. Mad as hell.

“Are you fucking Sea Monster, Mama?”

“That’s how I got y’all school clothes this year. I’ll fuck him again if I have to.”

[laughing]

Little boys don’t like when you’re fuckin’ their mama.

“Where’s your mother at?”

“She ain’t here!”

“Where’s your motherfuckin’ mother at, man?”

Our fathers come pick us up. We had four daddies in our family.

I got some brothers that don’t even look like me.

Every Friday, our fathers come pick us up, there’d be four cars sitting in front of the house.

Everybody waitin’ on their son. Look like a cab stand outside.

[audience laughing]

[imitates car door closing]

One time, I jumped in the wrong daddy’s car.

I said, “This raggedy motherfucker, this is not my daddy.”

‘Cause that’s how the car took off.

[imitates car revving loudly]

You can hear them raggedy cars way down the street.

[imitates revving]

The floor be out.

You could see the street movin’ in the motherfucker.

My fucking kids think I’m… [chuckles]

I guess, ’cause I’m a comedian, they think they can play with me.

Yeah, some of them don’t take me serious.

My one little daughter talkin’ about, “What’s up, Day-day?”

I was like, “What the fuck you just say to me? Call me Day-day again. I’ll kick that Pamper off your ass.”

Yeah, I got some ugly-ass baby mamas, man.

[audience exclaiming]

Yeah, I do.

I ain’t always been famous.

[audience laughing]

My past is haunting me right now.

The bigger I get, the more my past come back.

I got ugly baby mamas.

Google “Mike Epps’ baby mama” when you leave here tonight.

I ain’t gotta fuckin’ lie.

And watch Bobby Brown pop up in the picture.

Where the stepfathers at in here tonight?

[very faint cheering]

Look, they don’t even wanna be known.

“Fuck her and her kids, man.”

When a man meet a woman, when he first meet her, he be so happy, he be bragging on the b*tch’s kids.

“Yep, and that little boy right there, he is going to NFL. That little girl gets straight A’s.”

Talk to him about a year later.

“Yeah, man, I ain’t– Hold up for a minute. Shut the fucking door! I hate this b*tch’s kids, man. I really do.”

Yeah, ’cause kids pick their mama’s fucking boyfriends.

“I don’t like him, Mama.”

“Did I ask you who you like?”

You know.

Especially, they don’t like a motherfucker that don’t bring no money in the house.

That’s who they fuckin’ really don’t like.

And it be the little girl in the family. “He don’t even work, Mama.”

They be monitoring the food you eatin’ and shit.

You in there eating a snack. The little boy come in there.

“My mother bought them for our lunch. Mama, Melvin in there eatin’ our snacks, man.”

That’s when she come in there. “Melvin, don’t eat their stuff. I bought that for their field trip. Don’t eat their food.”

That’s when the little boy go crazy.

[yelling] “That’s his third Capri Sun!

That’s his third one, Mama!”

“Man, n*gga gonna trip over me about a pouch of juice, little n*gga? I’m fucking your mama, man.”

Obama got daughters. This is hard for him. Shit.

Yeah, shit.

At the White House, them little dudes is calling the White House, now.

Sasha and Malia, they growin’ up at the White House.

They callin’ the White House.

[imitates phone ringing]

Obama answers the phone.

“Hello?”

“Yeah, let me speak to Sasha.”

“Who is this?”

“Yeah, tell her a n*gga named Slick is calling her right now.”

“I beg your pardon. What did you just say?”

“I said, ‘Tell her a n*gga named Slick is calling her.'”

“She’s doin’ her homework, Slick.”

“Yeah, a’ight, well, tell her a n*gga called then.”

“Slick? Slick? Don’t hang up. Slick. Shut… Shut the door. Shut the… Slick?”

“Yeah.”

“B*tch-ass n*gga, I’ll fuck you up. Where you at? I will fuck you up!”

Clinton in the background, “Don’t let ’em take you out your game, baby. They tryin’ to take you out your game.”

[laughing]

I’m a n*gga just like y’all. I got lucky and got in show business.

I got three baby mamas, four felonies.

Didn’t graduate from high school, grew up poor on the motherfuckin’ food stamps.

Yeah, we grew up on food stamps.

Yeah, you remember them food stamps.

But sometimes your mama would sell ’em to get her hair done.

“I’m gonna get my hair done this month. I ain’t gonna fall like that. Y’all ain’t gonna do me like that this month.”

She sell some of the food stamps, we’d be hungry that last week.

“Something ain’t panning out. Your hair look good, but we hungrier than a motherfucker these last four days.”

Sometimes, the mailman be late with the food stamps.

My mother’d go tell, “Go look for him. Go find the mailman.”

[chuckles]

I’d be on that bicycle, riding like a motherfucker, looking for him.

My brother’d be on the handle bars like this.

I tried to sell cocaine, man. I ain’t bullshitting, I did.

I tried to sell it, but I was an unsuccessful thug.

A n*gga fronted me a kilo one time, I ain’t know how to get rid of it.

I didn’t know who to sell it to.

I went to my auntie and said, “You know anybody who do dope?”

‘Cause you know, if you give a n*gga an eight-ball, he gonna turn it into what?

A quarter ounce.

The quarter ounce gonna turn into what? A half ounce.

The half gonna turn into a whole ounce.

The whole ounce gonna turn into two. The two gonna turn into four.

Now, the four gonna turn into more.

You got a quarter key. You got nine ounces.

What’s that nine gonna turn into?

Eighteen.

Eighteen gonna turn into what? Thirty-six…

Look at the drug-dealer n*ggas in here. N*gga said, “Thirty-six.”

I tried to sell cocaine in the ’90s… when n*ggas was on the corner with the dope under their motherfucking mouths like this…

[muffled] “Them police round here like a motherfucker. I’m swallowing this shit, police ride up on me, n*gga. [muttering incomprehensibly] I ain’t got nothing. As soon as they roll up, I’m swallowing this shit.”

You remember n*ggas sold cocaine in the ’90s?

They’d bring white people in the neighborhood. [chuckles]

But they’d tell the white people, “Stay in the car. I’m gonna go over there and get it for you. Stay in the car. Don’t talk to nobody.”

It’d be a white couple sitting in the car, sweating.

“All right, go ahead.”

That’s when the n*gga go in the projects.

N*gga walk in the projects.

“All right, look. I got the white people sitting in the car around the corner, okay? They got $150. They want to spend it. They want an eight-ball right now. But they got the money. They spending all weekend. Okay, now put it… Okay, now do something for me now. Now give me something. Do something for me now. Shit. I done risked my life out there. Do something for me now. Show me something.”

[laughs]

About an hour later, here come the n*gga again.

“Okay, they ready again. Okay, they got a ten-speed, $200 and a… and a cable box. They ready.”

Later on that night, here come the white people by theyself.

[chuckling] “Has anybody seen Swift around here anywhere?”

A n*gga named Swift… done swiftly took your shit from you.

[laughs]

Yeah, it’s a lot of n*ggas in here. Y’all better watch the police. Shit.

‘Cause the police’ll put a hurtin’ on your ass, Jack.

No, for real.

And white people be talking about, “Those n*ggers are resisting arrest.”

How the fuck a n*gga resisting arrest?

Fuck that. You don’t even see the police.

You just be riding and one n*gga say, “You know the police behind us?”

That’s when you find out who’s going to jail.

When your buddy say, “Man, you know I ain’t go to court that time.”

“Well, you goin’ in the morning, n*gga, if they pull us over.”

The n*gga in the back seat, “I got some pills in my pocket.”

“You better eat ’em, motherfucker.

You better not leave nary a Fruity Pebble in my back seat.”

And jail’s the wrong place to be on ecstasy at, ain’t it?

You in there in the cell, sweating and horny as hell.

[audience laughing]

Your fucking head fall off your shit.

[chuckles]

And when you go to jail, ain’t nobody did nothing in jail.

[chuckles]

You go to jail, everybody in there innocent.

“Man, they got me on some bullshit.”

Well, somebody did something in this motherfucker.

[laughs]

[mutters]

N*gga get pulled over, n*gga act like he didn’t know his license was suspended.

“Did you know your–“

“When?”

“N*gga, ten years ago we suspended your shit.”

[chuckles]

Put the head back on it.

Mexicans ain’t got no license, registration, nothing.

Police pull them over, “License and registration.”

“Yes.”

“Do you have a license and registration?”

“Yes.”

“Step out the car.”

“No, no, no.”

[smacks microphone]

“Get out the fuckin’ car.”

And white people get out of the car when the police get out.

[imitates doors closing]

“You want to tell me why the fuck you just pulled me over back there?

Get your fuckin’ hands off me!

Don’t fuckin’ touch me like that!

Get in the car, Rebecca.

Don’t put your fuckin’ hands on me. I don’t give a fuck!”

That’s the booger move right there.

You ever see a n*gga in your car doing that? N*gga like…

How many of y’all ever wiped a booger on your friend’s car seat?

Don’t lie, motherfuckers.

“Fuck that, I’m putting the booger on a n*gga’s seat.

Ain’t no napkins or nothing in here.”

I see a whole lot of motherfuckers I know in here, shit.

I love motherfucking Los Angeles. This is a great city right here, man.

[audience cheering]

Ladies, y’all need to start sharing that pussy.

It ain’t yours all the time.

Yeah, God gave you that pussy to give to us sometime.

That ain’t your pussy all the time.

You think ’cause it’s with you all the time that it’s yours all the time.

And it’s not. Share that.

They get mad, you know.

Women get mad when you ask for the pussy, especially if you been together for long.

“We still gonna do it?”

“Not if you ask me again, we ain’t. That’s the shit that bother me right there, don’t… That irritates me. Don’t ask me for no pussy. Just let it happen, let it… Let it flow. Let the pussy come to you.”

“That pussy ain’t never came to me, b*tch. I’ve been waiting on this pussy for 30 years.”

[man] Tell it like it is, Mike!

Hey, look, he ain’t had no pussy in a week.

I know what I’m talking about. I’m touching on it.

Ain’t had no pussy in a week.

That’s the worst pussy in the world, some pussy that don’t want you.

“Come on… Fuck it, come on!”

“Shit. Getting on a b*tch is not–“

“Come on! Hell, come on! Shit. Come on. Treat me like a piece of meat. Come on. You want this pussy? Come on and get it.”

You’re taking your pants off, like, “Man, this is some bullshit right here. Why you gotta talk to me like that? I don’t like the way you’re talking to me, but I’m gonna get this pussy anyway.”

You fucking somebody that don’t want to be fucked. [laughs]

You act like you upset while you fucking ’em.

“This is crazy.”

“You better hurry up!”

You fucking somebody that don’t want to be fucked.

They in the bed like…

[groaning] “All right. Come on, hurry up.”

You try to whisper in her ear, “Is it good?”

“Don’t ask me none of that! Hurry up!”

You try to lift her leg up.

[shouting] “We ain’t doin’ all that! Why are you grabbing my leg? Don’t grab my fuckin’ leg! Don’t come in me. I’m telling you, don’t do it. If you come in me, it is over. Don’t, n*gga, I swear. What’s wrong? Get up. Move! [yelling] Move! You came in me!”

There’s some fine-ass women in here tonight, man, shit.

[audience cheering]

I seen ’em in here, they walkin’… [muttering]

Them women that’s real mean got the best pussy, don’t they?

[yelling] “Get out of my face! No!”

Pussy is excellent.

You ever have some pussy, fellas, so good, as soon as you leave the girl’s house, you call her, “What you doing?”

“Uh, standing here in the door, watching you walk off.”

“I just wanted to let you know I had a nice time.”

Now, you’re riding home, smelling your top lip.

Top lip smell like a bag of Funyuns.

[spits]

Some of y’all’s pussy is dead. You alive, but your pussy’s dead.

There’s a lot of fine b*tches walking around, pussy dead.

“Hey, look at this dead pussy.”

And a lot of fellas don’t know it.

“Hey, man, she’s fine as hell.”

“Man, you know her pussy died about three years ago, don’t you? Yeah, I went to the funeral.”

All the kids is out there with “RIP Pussy” T-shirts on.

[laughs]

Yeah, it’s fucked up, man.

Yeah, it’s crazy.

I want to turn my life over to God, but I gotta get this money first.

I can’t go to God with no money, man.

He’s tired of hearing n*ggas coming to him, broke.

Yeah, that’s what n*ggas say, man.

“I’m coming to you, God, but I gotta get this money first. I got three more pounds to get off. I gotta fuck with the devil for two more months. And after that, I’m coming to you. See me through the bad that you do.”

Yeah.

I tried to be a Muslim one time and got caught with a ham sandwich the third day I was in it.

They was like, “Brother, brother, brother, what kind of sandwich is that?”

I said, “I was just fittin’ telling you, I quit. I don’t wanna do this shit no more. And take this fuckin’ flying saucer off my head.”

[audience clapping]

‘Cause I always been a… I always been a special kid, you know?

I have. I always been a special kid, you know?

Peed in the bed.

I was in special classes.

Yeah. YA Juvenile Detention Center.

All that shit.

Yeah, I peed in the bed, and every motherfucking thing.

I was in special ed from the first to the twelfth.

I was a senior in high school and never switched classes, that is… That’s humiliating right there, man.

The bell rings, “Sit back down.” I said, “B*tch, the bell just rang.”

“That’s not your bell, Michael.”

“When’s my bell?”

“At the end of the day.”

I’m like, “Yeah.”

“Put your helmet on.”

I said, “I ain’t putting no fuckin’ helmet on, b*tch.”

[audience laughing]

When you in them special classes, other kids be walking past the room, looking in the room.

I got a buddy in a wheelchair want to be a pimp, talkin’ about, “Look, there go some b*tches. Take me out the chair and set me on the hood of the car.”

I said… “Now, what the fuck is that gonna do? It’s gonna make you more pimp-ish or something, n*gga, ’cause you sittin’…”

The air out of all this n*gga’s legs. This n*gga on the car like this.

The legs flat on the car. All this swelled up.

I knew what was gonna happen.

My buddy said, “Watch out, get him, get him.”

This n*gga was sliding down the hood of the car.

I said, “Oh, Lord.”

[audience laughing]

It was a Cadillac. The emblem caught that n*gga’s shirt.

His mother was mad. [chuckles]

“What the fuck y’all put him on the goddamn car for?”

Yeah, man, I was watching Good Morning America with my mother, and 2 Chainz was rapping, and my mother said, “Whoo! Whoopi Goldberg rapping now.”

I said, “Mama, that is not no goddamn Whoopi Goldberg.”

I talk about all the entertainers, and then when I see ’em, I act like I ain’t said nothing about ’em.

“Man, what’s happenin’?”

“No, that’s that bullshit, Mike. I seen you on your thing. I seen you on your thing, man.”

Yeah, I talk about everybody.

I was talking about Stevie Wonder one time.

And that motherfucker walked on RnB Live. I was like, “Oh, Lord.”

But I stopped being nervous. I was like, “He don’t know I’m in here.

Why should I let him fuck my night up?”

But one of his fuckin’ managers or something told on me.

I sat there and watched the n*gga’s lips.

He talkin’ about, “There go Mike, right there.”

Stevie looking for me now, and this n*gga like this…

“Where’s he at? Where’s he at?”

Talkin’ about, “Stevie want to talk to you, Mike.”

I’m trying to walk out, he talkin’ about, “What’s up, Day-day?”

I’m mad now. I was like, “Steve, you better get out my face before you see for the first time. I’m fittin’ to unblind your ass right now.”

“All these beautiful songs I’ve been making up for many years, you wanna talk shit?”

[audience laughing]

This n*gga tried to hit me. I said, “This n*gga swung on me?”

I told him, “Yeah, I’d be mad at that beautician for letting you walk out of there with them braids starting right here. Where they do that at, where the braids start right here in back?”

He got to wash his face way up here and come down.

[chuckling]

Yeah, for real. Shit.

‘Cause I like when old men get in a fight. They be nervous as hell.

When old men get in a fight, there be change all over the floor.

There be, like, $1.80 on the ground.

Kids be like, “They was fighting like a motherfucker.”

‘Cause that’s how them old men who can fight get into it, you know.

One of them old n*ggas named Pat Henry walk up in the pool hall.

“Yeah, what’s going on, man? What’s this shit I heard, you supposed to had a… You supposed to had a… [stutters] took an alternator from me over here on 30th Street the other night?”

“Man, ain’t nobody done…” [mutters incomprehensibly]

“Lower your voice. Lower your voice. Lower your… What the…”

That’s how them old men attack, real quick.

“Lower your– N*gga, I kill your ass in here. Get him on the ground, Tony.”

I went to a strip club in LA the other day, Starz.

[audience cheering]

No, never again. These b*tches…

There wasn’t one star in there.

These Billy Bob Thornton-looking-ass b*tches…

You know you’re in a ghetto strip club when the DJ stops the music and says,

“Laquitia, your grandmama outside waiting on you. Laquitia, your grandmother’s outside waiting on you.”

Them white strip clubs, they real smooth.

“That’s right, folks. Coming to the stage… She goes by the name of Lexus. That’s right, fellas. Two-drink minimum, Sexy Wednesdays.”

[imitating dance music]

Skinny-ass white girl come out there with a baggy thong on.

[imitating music continues]

Thong just dangling in the crack of her ass, like, “Yeah.”

[laughs]

Yeah, my whole family think I’m funny but my grandmother.

Everybody be laughing in the house, and then my grandmother says, “He ain’t that funny to me.”

I said, “Who’s funny to you?”

She said, “Bill Cosby.”

[audience] Oh!

“He gave me some tea.”

I said, “And what happened?”

She said, “I don’t remember.”

Yeah, my grandmother used to sit on the toilet like this with a cigarette.

[laughs]

And just open her legs and thump the ashes out.

[imitates thumping]

Sometimes she’d lift her whole ass up. Pow! Pow!

My grandmother’d call the police on everybody in the hood and then come down there with a nightgown on.

“What happened down here? What happened?”

Every time I tell my grandmother I’m about to go, she say, “Yeah, let the Lord bless you, or the mortuary’s gonna dress you.”

I said… “What kind of shit do you say to somebody walking out the door?”

But see, my grandmother, she’s a great woman, you know.

And I know she’s going to heaven.

[playing gentle melody]

Yeah.

And a lot of you think you’re going to heaven, but you’re not.

[audience laughs]

You see, when God calls your crooked Christian-ass home… the spirit is gonna leave your body and go into a 30-minute orientation.

And in that orientation, that’s when that beautiful angel’s gonna float down and give you some paperwork to fill out.

“And don’t lie, motherfucker. This is going straight to God.”

And when they go to God, they say, “God… the first man’s here.”

“Let him in.”

“It’s a Mexican.”

[Latin dance music playing]

[audience cheering]

“Hola, Jesús. My name is Jesús, too. And I was wondering, can I bring the rest of my family here with me? I clean your clouds. I put an extension on your wings.”

“You already snuck 40 of your cousins in here, Jesús. And pick all them oranges and Chiclets up off the ground that you dropped. It smells like Fabuloso in here now.”

[playing gentle melody]

“Next man, who is it?”

“It’s an Asian.”

“Let him in.”

[East Asian music playing]

[exclaims]

“God. You are very, very good God. I want to know if you have a beauty supply store up there. I like to sell all your black angels lace front wigs… hair grease… wave cap, brush… cocoa butter.”

“All of my angels have natural hair. Thanks anyway, Kum Fuk Mi Sun. Next man, who is it?”

“It’s a white man.”

“Let him in.”

[dramatic piano playing]

[rock music playing]

[yelling] “I waited in that line for 15 fuckin’ minutes! I should’ve been first, you know. Is there a Starbucks up here anywhere?”

“Next man, who is it?”

[music stops suddenly]

[piano melody resumes]

“It’s a black man.”

“Let him in. Let him in. I said, let him in.”

“God.”

“What?”

“He’s late. He said he’ll be here in 10, 15, 20, 30 minutes. Oh, look, God! He’s here.”

[piano stops suddenly]

[funk music playing]

“Oh, Jesus, Lord. I couldn’t wait to see you! [exclaiming] Let me get a picture with you, baby. Yeah, I’m fittin’ to post this right now. Look, God, listen. I know I’ve been late on my child support. That weed I was selling is legal. Can you help a n*gga get his car fixed?”

[music stops suddenly]

I fucked the joke up.

Hit the black music again.

[funk music resumes]

“Oh, Lord, Jesus! Oh, n*gga! Oh, I’ll tell you, God… Oh, man. Look, check this out. Look, I know I’ve been late on my child support. That weed that I’m selling is legal. You remember I got shot on Figueroa? And you brought me back to life? I appreciate all of that.

[music fading]

God, listen to me, man. I know I ain’t been right out there in them streets. But I had to do what I had to do to take care of my family… you know. And I know you know that I’m a real… I’m a real n*gga, you know.

[audience laughing]

I believed in you more than any of these n*ggas around here. I stayed praying to you. Can you help a n*gga get his car out the shop?”

Thank y’all. Thank you so much! Thank y’all! I’m Mike Epps. I love y’all! LA!

[audience cheering]

LA!

[upbeat piano playing]

Thank y’all, LA. I love y’all! LA!

[piano continues]

[hip-hop beat playing]

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