How the fuck we doing, DC? We good?
That music gets you hyped, man. I see why there’s so many shootouts in hip-hop clubs. It’s the music, man. Make you feel like you punched your best friend in the face. “I’m hyped! I’ll punch a n*gga in the face with a right!” “Damn. My bad, Larry. Shit. You did the same shit to me with that Lil Uzi song last week. No. You shot me right there.” I, like, still party. You know? Yeah, I’m 45. I’m a…yeah. You know that black don’t crack unless you smoke it. No, but I still party. I’m like an old-young n*gga. Like… You know what I mean? Like… I’m not like the n*gga that wears the Fubu and the… and the Lugz and the big puffy jacket, with the receding hairline and the Yankee cap. I ain’t him. I’m the skinny jeans, new 2.0, young-old n*gga. No. And then girls, when they dance, they come real low and I’m like, “Hey, I’m young in the face and old in the knees. You…” They be going down here, like, “Hey…” I’m like, “Baby, I can’t follow you down there. When I get to L-position, my black ass come right back up.” No. ‘Cause I don’t wanna be that n*gga that go down, try and chase it, like, “Hey…” And your old ass gets stuck down there, and she got to help you up. And you hear your knees pop on the way up, “Pop, pop, pop, pop!” It’s so loud, n*ggas think they shooting, “Pop, pop, pop!” “Oh, shit! They shooting!” “Naw, they ain’t shooting. That’s just my knees, man.”
I can’t commit physically to a song until I know what the fucking words are. I’m sorry, these… Lyrics to these songs be crazy. They be like, “I’m sucking dick in the closet…” “Naw, I’m good on that. Nah. I’mma sit this one out. I’m waiting for some Usher to come on, something safe. I’m saying, you know the good part of the song’s coming on… You know, it’s funny, like, you could tell when the good part come on ’cause, brothers, we be like, “Oh! This my shit, right here!” It’s funny ’cause black women start stretching on your ass… It be like, “Aw, this my song right here! I’m about to twerk the shit out… No. I’mma twerk the shit out this, girl. I dislocated my clitoris, popping my pussy to this.” “Girl, I broke my hymen twice on this part. Right here.”
Some of these rappers, they spend their money on frivolous shit. You know what they need? They need, like, some financial advisors. They need to sit down with a n*gga that’s Charles Schwab or Merrill Lynch, you know, before they write they rhymes. ♪ I got nine cars…♪ “Wait, n*gga. Those are depreciating assets. You wanna put that money on a nice condominium for yourself.” ♪ I’m poppin’ bottles with models ♪ “Hold on, now. Those bottles are $700 in the club. You could take your ass right down to Costco…” “You get the same bottle for 29.99. And if you get the red tag special, you’ll get it for 24.99. And don’t pop bottles with models. No. They do cocaine and they can fucking drink all night. Go get you a nice, regular bitch that got to work in the morning.” ♪ I got a mouth full of gold teeth ♪ “Well, brother, now you on to something. ‘Cause gold stocks is making a comeback, ever since Brexit.” Look, you hear the spatter of Republican laughter. Only the people with money could laugh at that last joke. People with money was like… “This guy’s a hoot!”
You know, but I realize that I’m old school, man. I like old-school hip-hop. I like, like, “Rapper’s Delight.” ‘Cause “Rapper’s Delight” was such a fun song, you know? It was fun. The lyrics was easy to remember. It’s like Dr. Seuss wrote that motherfucker. It was happy. It was, like, hip-hop even white people could enjoy. ‘Cause the lyrics were so basic.
♪ I said a hip hop, hippie to the hippie The hip, hip a hop, and you don’t stop ♪
♪ A-rock it to the bang bang Boogie, the up, yo, the boogie♪
♪ To the rhythm of the boogie the beat♪
Look how happy white people are right now. These two white boys is in their seat, like, “Wow!” ♪ Hip woppy, to the beat♪ ♪ And me, the crew, and my friend We’re gonna try and move our feet♪ ♪ See, I am♪ ‘Cause the lyrics were so simple to remember.
♪ Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn♪
♪ You say what♪
♪ If your girl starts actin’ up, then you take her friend♪
Yeah! “Fuck yeah! Why reward bad behavior?”
I ain’t trying to be a hater. You know, I like some of today’s artists. Like, I love Jay-Z. I love…I love Jay-Z. You know, what I love about Jay-Z is that… he’s an artist that matures and his music matures with him. You know, like, right now his new album, 4:44. He’s talking about grown man shit. Stuff that’s relevant to grown-ass men. You know what I’m saying? Like, he’s talking about, like, marriage, and children, and family legacy and wealth, and cheating on your wife. And getting caught. And getting your ass beat in the elevator by her crazy little sister. You know, shit that happens to grown folks. That shit happened to me twice last year. But see, some of these rappers be rhyming like they 25 years old. I’m like, hold on a second. N*gga, you 50! I want some age-appropriate rhymes from you. You better give me some middle age crisis rhymes, n*gga.
♪ These young rappers think I’m a sweetie, nah, sugar high, diabetes♪
♪ These rappers wanna fight me, go ahead, call your boys♪
♪ You can’t kick my ass, They’re full of hemorrhoids♪
♪ Oh, you wanna fight this? I stay knuckled up♪
♪ Thanks to my arthritis ♪
I like some of today’s music, you know? I like some of today’s artists. Like, I like Future. You guys like Future? White people look confused. “It’s a rapper. You know… Well, the future… Sure, I love the future. I’m looking forward to the future. I’m so sorry about the past. You know… The whole slavery thing. I’m sorry.” Future is a rapper, okay? And I like Future, but see… I listen to the lyrics and I think that Future… this brother need rehab. All his songs, he’s mixing some kind of weird drug combination. His new song, Mask Off… He’s mixing Molly with Percocet. N*gga, that’s a bad drug combination. You trying to kill motherfuckers or what? You OD in the car, listening to this n*gga’s album. What is the drug culture going in hip-hop? It’s one thing when Dr. Dre did The Chronic. You know, shit. We all smoke a little weed. Shit. Yeah, right? Yeah, some of us sell it. Right, n*gga? But Molly and Percocet? And that’s a hit song. What’s the next hit song from a bad drug combination?
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin♪
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin♪
♪ We gonna chop it up♪
♪ We put it in a cup♪
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin ♪
♪ Don’t be crazy♪
♪ Give it to your baby♪
♪ Crack cocaine and baby aspirin♪
But at least I understand the words that’s coming out of Future’s mouth. Right? I understand the lyrics. I understand what he’s saying.
Now… Can somebody please, be kind enough to tell me… What in the entire fuck… is Desiigner saying in the song “Panda”? Who the fuck gave Buckwheat a record deal? Like, I understand the first lyrics, right? ♪ I got broads in Atlanta♪ And then this n*gga lose me. ♪ Legacy panda♪ ♪ Black car look like a panda♪ Okay, n*gga. So, how high were you when you wrote this fucking song? Like, how did this happen? Was ya in your house? You had a party, there was girls over. You know, you were smoking weed, got paranoid and shit, and started hallucinating. You came out your house, you was, like, ♪ I got broads in Atlanta♪ ♪ White Legacy panda♪ ♪ The black car♪ ♪ It look like a panda♪ You don’t understand. N*gga, when I first… When I first heard this song, right? My son walks by me… The boy’s not even saying lyrics. I don’t know what the fuck… He walk by, he just making noises. Just strange sounds. He walk by me going… I pulled his mommy to the side. We called the doctor. I thought this little n*gga had Tourette’s syndrome. Throughout the entire song, Desiigner is screaming… That shit sound painful. That sound like the inaudible sound that you make when you go to take a piss in the middle of the night, in a dark room, and you bust your toe… on a piece of furniture that ain’t got no fucking business being in the bedroom, but your girl thought it was cute. You know what I’m saying? So, you go to take a piss and you be like, “Aw, shit…” And your girl wake up, knowing it’s her fault. She put the shit there, like, “You okay?” No, bitch, I ain’t okay. What the fuck you got a goddamn treasure chest in the damn bedroom for? The fuck are you, a pirate?
When do you make that noise? That’s the sound I’d make… if somebody was to wax… this part of my asshole. You know that weird meat between your ass and your balls, fellas? It’s a weird little area because there look like there should be a vagina there, but God was like, “Come on, you can’t have a pussy and a dick. Sew that shit up, Jesus.” “Okay, Dad.” And it got them weird, scraggly hairs on it. The hair don’t grow right there. It’s all scraggly and sparse. But it lay down. It look like LeBron James‘ hairline right here. But if your hair’s real nappy and shit, it look like Kevin Durant’s. But it’s a weird little area, this little place, right? Because it’s real sensitive, right? It’s the part on your body where your girl lick, fellas, right? And it feels really good. It make you make all kind of little weird, tickly noises, like… It feels so good, you’ll be making noises like a white girl in a lesbian porno. You’ll be like, “Oh, my fucking God! Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Lick my fucking gooch! Lick my fucking gooch!” But you know when she lick it, you feel a little bit gay when she do it? You be conflicted, like, “Oh, my God, suck my ass! Here, suck my dick! Make me straight again! Go back down! Lick my gooch! Lick the taint! Come back up! Make me straight again! Okay, listen. Don’t tell nobody, okay? You promise you ain’t going to tell nobody? Nah, nah, ’cause when you get mad, you be saying all my fucking business. You promise you ain’t going to tell nobody? All right. I’m going to trust you. Here. Go on, get all that gooch. Oh, my fucking God! Get my fucking gooch! Fuck yeah! Hold on, get the dick, too. We call that the Doberman pinscher tail.” Well, if somebody was to wax that part of my asshole, I’d make that noise.
Thank y’all for coming out, man. I chose DC to film my first special. ‘Cause the first place I came to perform… I went to Howard University. That’s right. HU! Yeah, I didn’t graduate. I know all that shit. I just… I only went for three semesters, but… Then In Living Color came on. I was, like, “Bye, n*ggas, I’m gonna get rich! Fuck your school, n*gga! Fuck your school! Fuck your positivity, n*ggas! It’s great to hear y’all laughter, man, because this world is going through shit, and laughter is healing and I think we all need to do more of it. Man, you look at the world, we got hurricanes, we got earthquakes, fires, floods. It’s fucking armageddon. And you know who I blame? I blame the Kardashians. See… They are ruining this world, one Negro at a time. I don’t know what is in the vagina of a Kardashian, but I think they got Zika in there for n*ggas. It’s like, as soon as you put your dick in a Kardashian, their vagina sucks… all the talent… out your dick. Just… It leaves you weak. Everyone that bang ’em. They need to do the movie Get Out… about the goddamn Kardashian family. I’ll make that my next movie. Haunted House 3, right? You know, I’m dating one of ’em. It’s like Khloe, Kim, or Kletus… You know, all them n*ggas start with a K. And I walk up and see Kanye West and go, “Hey, Kanye! Hey, man, let’s take a picture!” We take a picture. The flash goes off… That n*gga’s nose start bleeding. He snaps out of a trance, he grabs my hand, he goes, “Get out! Get out! Get out!” They drag him away, right? And I get scared, so I run outside. And I see Lamar Odom. He’s all cracked out, doing this shit here. I look upstairs, like… I see Caitlyn Jenner. Looking in the mirror. The motherfucker’s wig fall off. He got a scar going across his forehead. You know what that scar is? From all them damn face surgeries.
But here’s the thing. I know I’m talking shit about the Kardashian family, but I want to say this and say it out loud. I respect them and I applaud them for embracing Bruce for being Caitlyn. ‘Cause, you know, that shit is hard, man. That shit is hard on your family ’cause love and unconditional acceptance is a motherfucker. And I don’t know if we all got that property in us. That’s hard. I call myself woke, but not all the way. I’m up, n*gga, but I’m not…I’m woke-ish! ‘Cause I still see the world and go, “All right, I accept it, but here’s what’s funny about that motherfucker.” I think it’s beautiful that they accept him and I know it’s hard on the family. I could tell at the ESPYs. When Caitlin was giving a speech and she wanted to thank the family? She was like, “I just want to thank my children…” She always moving her mouth around, look like a black man that… You know how black people taste the food before the shit is ready and it’s hot? And you trying to cool it off and chew it at the same time. “I just want to thank my children… for loving me as the beautiful butterfly I was born to be…” And the camera pan to the kids. And they was like, “What in the fuck?” N*gga, Kim Kardashian started slowly sinking in her seat, like, “N*gga, that ain’t my daddy. My daddy dead. That’s just some strange n*gga my mama was banging for his Wheaties’ money. Speaking of banging strange n*ggas, come on, Kanye, let’s get up outa here.” “Aw, Khloe, you ain’t got to worry with your big, ol’ ass. We all know OJ is your real daddy, so…” Aw, n*gga, tell me she don’t look like the Juice! Put a black glove on Khloe, I bet you that shit won’t fit. Here’s how I know she’s OJ’s, okay? I seen her at the airport. She’s trying to rent a Hertz Rent-a-Car. And the bitch was jumping over luggage.
And if Bruce wanna be Caitlyn, I’m fine with that, but, see, we live in America, and we still have the fucking freedom of speech. I have the right to have an opinion, the right to have a thought because I live in America and the First Amendment says we have freedom of speech. It’s the most important Amendment. That’s right.You know why? Yes. ‘Cause I went to public school and they didn’t teach the fucking rest. So, if Bruce want to be Caitlin… You want to cut your dick off… Hey, man, more pussy for me. But I’m still entitled to have my opinion, right, bro? So, please, please, please… Please, motherfucking please… just stop trying to tell me that this motherfucker is beautiful. I’m sorry! I’m sorry, okay? Look, Bruce Jenner was a good-looking white man. Right? But as a white woman? Shit… I ain’t seen a white chick that ugly since me and Shawn in the fucking movie. “You were thinking it!” “You said it!”
Such a crazy time, man. Such a crazy time in this world. Fucking racism is coming back like cocaine and skinny jeans. Look at this shit here. It’s crazy, but you know what? I don’t think it’s coming back everywhere. I’m not going to let it come back with me and my friends. And I know a good number of people in here ain’t going to let it come back with them and their friends. We came too fucking far to allow racism to break us up now. So, we’re having real conversations about real issues, right? For example, my white friends want to say the n-word. Yeah. And I’m like… “N*gga, no.” And they’re confused, or perplexed as they call it. “Why can’t I say it? You say it.” I’m like, “Yeah. Well, I’m a n*gga. I can do that type of shit.” “Well, it’s in all the rap songs.” “Yeah, guess what? Them n*ggas, too. They can say that type of shit.” “Well, but why can’t I say it?” I said, “Look, n*gga…” I said, “N*gger” was a word that was used to hurt black people’s feelings, to demean us and make us feel less than everybody. But see, brothers, we took that word and we transposed it. We remixed it. And we took our pain and we turned that shit into positivity. And we took the word “n*gger” and turned it into a term of endearment. It went from, “N*gger,” to, “N*gga!” And that’s a beautiful thing that black people in our culture do. It’s a powerful thing that we do. We did the same thing with chains. Chains. They was meant to enslave us, keep us captured. Keep us as slaves. But now that shit is status quo. What’s the first thing black people do when we get some fucking money? Buy some motherfucking chains. Brothers be like, “Look at all these chains on my neck! I’m getting my feet shackles bling next week.”
Look at what black folks did with a pig. A pig. A filthy, dirty animal, they gave us during slavery to eat. Like, “You wanna eat some meat? Well, eat this, n*ggers!” And black people was like, “Well, okay.” And look at what…We tore a pig up. We ate every fucking part of the pig. If black people could eat a pig’s soul, we’d deep fry that shit. To this day, when a pig see a black person, that motherfucker run off scared, like… “N*gga, hide me. No. The black folks is coming. No. Hide me. Please, let the white folks get me ’cause all they make is bacon. These motherfuckers, they eat every fucking part of me. Look at my feet. They took my fucking feet. They chopped them off. And they put ’em in these fucking see-through jars. And they eat the shit cold. And they hands get sticky and start looking like pig feet. Look at what… Look at what they did with my intestines. They took my fucking intestines out! And they clean the shit out. All…The whole family. The momma, the kids, the uncle, they clean the shit out with vinegar. They boiled it, put some Larry’s on it, and called the shit, chitlins. It stunk up the whole house and they still ate it. The n*ggas ate my ass! Literally! Look at…Man, look at my neck. Look at my motherfucking neck. Why’s it like this? ‘Cause the n*gga took my neck bone, boiled it and put it in some fucking collard greens!” That’s beauty of black people, the beauty of our culture, that’s how we do. We take our pain and we turn it into positivity. But you know…And my white friend, you know, he was like, “Well, what can I do to say it?” I was like, “Motherfucker…” White people so damn persistent. I see why y’all is successful. You negotiate everything. “Oh, well I hear your angle, but what if… I know you have a wall up, but if I dig a tunnel up under here… How do I get to the n-word?” I’m like, “Look, man, I wish there was a protocol that I could give you, okay? I wish there was an application you could fill out, and you could send it in to n*gga immigrations.” You go to n*ggagations and get your fucking n*gga pass. You know what I mean? And there’s an angry brother sitting at the desk. He got to interview you. He’s sitting there like… “Yeah, what you want?” “I’m here to get my n*gga…” “You’re here to get what, motherfucker?” “I’m here to get my n-word pass.” “All right. That’s better. All right, well…who sent you?” “Laq’kieché.” “Spell it.” “L…A…Q…apostrophe… K…I…E… C…H… E…Accent over the E…” “And?” “And the Q is silent.” “My n*gga! That was… That was a hard one, man. Hey, I want to thank you. Now I know how to spell my wife and my daughter’s name. Thank you, brother. Hey, don’t forget your n*gga pass. Here you go.
All right, next. All right. On The Cosby Show when Denise made Theo that designer knock-off shirt… What was the name of the real designer that she knocked off? Goldie Gotrell! My n*gga! Thumb imprint, n*gga. Get your n*gga pass. All right. Next! Let’s see here… All right, let’s see your application. All right. Okay. Okay. Your hobbies are eating, drinking, smoking, and all types of ill shit. All right. All right… What’s your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid?” “It’s fruit punch. I love fruit punch.” “I don’t know… Personally, I like grape. You know? ‘Cause… It does something funny to a black person’s mouth ’cause the sweet and the tangy makes your mouth do this here… Okay… When making Kool-Aid… What… is your sugar… to water… ratio?” “Well, that be three parts sugar, one part water.” “Motherfucker, what you making, milk? Denied! Get the fuck up out of here! What kind of sour pucker shit you making? Let me tell you something. It’s 18 parts sugar… dash of water. If you sip it and don’t get instant diabetes, well, motherfucker, that ain’t Kool-Aid. You made Gatorade. And, hey, hey. For your information… every n*gga know the flavor ain’t fruit punch. The flavor is…” Red! Red! So, finally I caved in and I gave him a n*gga pass. I gave him a n*gga pass ’cause I knew him my whole life, and I knew if we had beef with other brothers, he was going to have my back. And I love him like a brother, so, I was like, “Listen, you keep this shit between me and you.” See, because a n*gga pass is regional. You do not get a universal n*gga pass. You gotta get your n*gga passport stamped. Every fucking new black person you meet, they gotta stamp it with approval. Because here’s the thing. There’s only one white boy that got a universal n*gga pass. And that is Eminem. You know why? ‘Cause Dr. Dre endorsed him. His baby mama drama is real… and that freestyle he did about Donald Trump was amazing. So, what I’m saying is, you can say “n*gga” around yo n*ggas, but if you think you gonna go around some new n*ggas… and say “n*gga”? “N*gga!”
Now’s the time you don’t want to be a n*gga. It’s a tough time, man, being black in America. Cops are shooting n*ggas like they playing a game of Pokemon GO up in this motherfucker. I’m like, “Wait, are y’all getting points for that shit?” But see, for black folks, man, it’s scary being black. When the cops are in back of me… Something happens to you when you are a black person. You immediately…When the cops… The lights don’t gotta be on, they just in back of you. You immediately freeze. And you start looking in the rearview mirror, hoping they don’t see you seeing them in the rearview mirror. And then you change the position of how you seat. ‘Cause, you know, black folks, we drive back here. Them cops come in back of you, you sit up real white up in that motherfucker. If, for a split second, you be in your car, like, “Wait, did I steal this shit?” Something has to change. And I think they need a new check and balance system. You can’t partner a potentially racist cop with another potentially racist cop. No. We need check and balance. So, for every potentially racist cop, we’ll partner him with a strong, black, female officer. Yes, because sisters are firm, but they are fair. And they ain’t gonna let no injustice happen. That white cop get out of hand? Oh, sister going to check his ass. And she going to check the crook, too, if he get out of hand. You know? White cop like, “Get the fuck out the car! Get the fuck out the car!” “Hold the fuck up! You ain’t got to talk to him that way. You ain’t got to talk to him that way. He is a human bein’.” “I think you meant ‘being.'” “Motherfucker, I said, ‘being.’ The G is silent. So goddamn sick. Come on, baby, get your ass up out the car. You see, he turned all red in the face, that means he’s upset. Come on, get up out the car.” “Put your fucking hands up! Put your fucking hands where I can see ’em!” “See, hold up. I ‘pecifically told you… I ‘pecifically told you, don’t speak to that boy like that.” “I think you meant ‘specifically.'” “Motherfucker, I said… ‘Pecifically. The S is silent. Now come on, baby, get your ass up out the car. Put your hands in the air, but don’t wave ’em like you just don’t care.” “Oh, my God, look at…He has a gun. Look at that thing in his pants! I think he has a fucking gun! It’s a 12 gauge! It’s huge!” “Motherfucker, don’t shoot! That’s not a gun. It’s his dick, motherfucker. Yeah, move. I got this. Baby, what’s your fucking problem? You know why we pulled your ass over? Look at you. You got fucking saggy jeans. You got tattoos on your face, gold teeth in your mouth. Where the fuck do you think you going? You ain’t going to work, motherfucker. That’s for goddamn sure. And what’s that weed smell? Gimme that shit! Oh, that’s that raspberry yum-yum. We going to have to keep this. Confiscate this for evidence. Okay, everything’s good here.” “No. I want to ask him some…” “Motherfucker, don’t axe him shit. I’ll axe the questions.” “Oh, my God, Lacricia, it’s not ‘axe,’ it’s ‘ask.'” “Motherfucker, I said axe. The S is silent. Now get your ass up in the car. And my name ain’t Lacricia, it’s Laq’kieché. The Q is silent. Now, come on. Let’s go get some breakfax.”
It’s just a crazy time, man. Now, you see, I’m passionate about this shit, ’cause I’m a father. I have two beautiful, teenage kids. Beautiful, black children. You see, I get concerned when they leave my house that… they may not come home because of the shit that’s popping off, and I just can’t have that. I just can’t. And see, I don’t care if you’re black, I don’t care if you’re white, I don’t care if you’re Middle Eastern. I don’t care if you’re Asian, I don’t care if you’re a little person, ’cause little people got babies, too. They just real little. No parent should be strapped with the anxiety of, “Is my child going to be safe?” But see, they tell us as… They tell us, as black folks that we need to have “the talk” with our children. You hear about this? “The talk.” It’s when you sit your children down and you explain to them how to respond respectfully when law enforcement pulls them over. And see, I’m down for that. And I think that’s the responsible thing to do as a parent. You sit your children down, you tell them to be respectful to our law enforcement. So, see, I tried to have “the talk” with my kids… And you know… halfway through the talk I sound like an old, scared slave that didn’t know he had his freedom. I was talking to my kids, I was like, “Baby, if the cops pull you over, you hush your mouth, and now don’t you sass me, boy! Don’t you sass me now, boy! The cops pull you over, I want you to hold your head down in humility. And you just rock back and forth, he goes, ‘You know why I pulled you over?’ I want you to smile! Show all 36 of your teeth. He goes, ‘You know why I pulled you over?’ Go, ‘No, suh, but I sure do trust ya!’ And he goes, ‘You wise-mouthing me?’ Go, ‘No, suh, I’d never do such a thing, Mr. Bossman.’ Yeah, so you use all kinda surnames. See, the white ego love that. ‘No, suh, Mr. Bossman, master-man, suh, I’d never do such a thing.’ Then he goes, ‘You want me to read you your rights?’ You best to stay humble. You say, ‘Yes, suh, please do. Well, you know I can’t read.'”
I get upset. You know why I get upset? Because I get jealous. I get jealous because I got white friends and I’ve been pulled over with my white friends and what I’ve found is that white people are not afraid of the police. Black people are. ‘Cause when we got pulled over, my white friend cursed the fucking police out. He cursed the police out so bad, I thought he pulled the cop over. I swear to God, he was going to write the cop a ticket. I was hiding in the glovebox, like, “N*gga, he gonna get shot sooner or later.” Because here’s the talk that white people have with their kids. “If the cops pull you over, I want you to say, ‘Hey, bucko! You better have a goddamn, good reason why.’ Yeah, if he starts to mouth off to you, say, ‘Hey, hey! Hey, buddy. You watch your freaking mouth. You watch your freaking mouth. I pay my taxes. Yeah, so that means you work for me.’ Yeah, if he keeps it up and he reaches for his pepper spray, you’re like, ‘I fucking dare ya. I fucking dare ya. I double dog dare ya. Go ahead. Spray me right in my blue eye and make it red. Yeah, ’cause I’ll have my lawyer so far up your asshole, you’ll need a goddamn gerbil to get him out.’ Then, he says one more smart thing, one more smart thing, I want you to grab his pen and go, ‘That’s it! I’m going to write a letter. ‘Dear Mr. President Trump…'”
Fucking Trump. What an interesting year it has been, huh, people? “Dear white folks and Trump supporters, please fasten your seat belt, it’s going to get a little turbulent in here for about 5 minutes. So, strap it in and enjoy the ride. We’ll be out of here in no time.” Okay, Trump. This is the craziest shit I’ve ever seen. I…It’s… Maybe it’s his reality show background. But… he’s turned the White House into a reality show. I swear, I find myself watching politics the way women watch reality shows. I’m like, “Girl, did you see what happened today?” “No, what?” “Girl, sit down. Your boy Trump is tripping again.” “What happened?” “Well, first of all, he fired Sean Spicer.” “He fired Sean Spicer? Why?” “I don’t know. But he hired this cockeyed bitch, Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Let me tell you something, that cockeyed bitch don’t be answering nobody questions. Ooh, that cockeyed heifer got attitude. She be like, ‘What the fuck do you want? Hurry the fuck up. I got an eye doctor appointment. I ain’t got time for this shit. You want a straight answer? Give me a straight eye, motherfucker.’ Girl, do you know the plot is thickening? You see what’s happening over in Russia?” “I know.” “Girl, you know what that is? I think Putin got pictures of Trump doing some sexy shit with some Russian prostitutes.” “Girl, why do you say that?” “Girl, watch the First Lady. Every time Trump try to grab Melania hand, what does she be doing? She be like, ‘Get the fuck up… Get the fuck up off me! Get the fuck up off me! You pussy-grabby motherfucker, get the fuck up off me! Go sleep your ass in the Oval Office. You ain’t getting no First Lady Koochie tonight.’ “Girl, do you know he fired Comey?” “The FBI director? Why?” “I don’t know. But they said some shit about collusion. Now, see, I don’t know what the fuck that mean… but it sounds shady as fuck to me.”
This is a historical time in the history of our country, a historical time. ‘Cause this is the first time I ever seen white people… embarrassed by another white person. This shit is crazy! ‘Cause the beauty of white people is white people love white people. And they support each other, no matter how talented or untalented they are, they have each other’s back. How the fuck you think Vanilla Ice went multi-platinum? But with Trump, every time he says some stupid shit, some embarrassing shit, I see white people put their head in their hand embarrassed, like, “Jesus Christ… This n*gga! Gosh! God, I wish I was black today. I’ll take the police beatings. I’ll take the debt. I’ll take the half hour late for everything. I’ll even take the ashy shit that formulates right here. I don’t know what the fuck it is, but when it gets 55 degrees and lower, they all get real ashy right here. It looks like Spider-Man hit ’em with a little web, like… Just somebody shut him the fuck up.” Every race has somebody that we’re embarrassed by, okay? Every race. That’s what makes us all the same. Every race got somebody that we are embarrassed by. So, yes, Donald Trump is embarrassing to white people, okay? So, Donald Trump… is the Flavor Flav… of white people. But I look at all that’s going on today, and you know what I say? I say, “I am happy for Barack.” I am so happy for Barack, man. That he’s so… I’m so happy he’s out of office. He look happy. He looks so happy. Because the presidency is stressful. Remember when he first came into office? He looked all young. Looked good in a suit, right? Had that black hair, golden brown skin. He looked like Denzel Washington. 8 years of fighting with Republicans, he got all old and gray. Fucking moles on his face. By the end, that n*gga looked like Morgan Freeman. By the end, Barack looked like he was, so tired of taking the Republican shit. Right? He was like, “Fuck this bipartisan shit.” He looked like he just wanted to curse motherfuckers out. His last speech, he looked like he just wanted to go, “Fuck you. Suck my dick. Lick ass, America. Barack is out, bitch! You can take your flag and shove it up your goddamn ass. That’s right.
I set up my retirement. I’m moving to Seattle, where I legalized weed. And guess what? I’m going to smoke my lips black again. That’s what I’m going to do. I’m dropping an album with Jay-Z and Beyonce. It’s called Head N*ggas in Charge. I got my own clothing line, Barackawear. You can get it at Macy’s, right next to Sean John and Rocawear. Be sure to pick up my new cologne, Potus Number 44. Not to be confused with Number 45. That shit stinks. I just signed a lucrative deal with Ciroc Liquor and Sean Diddy Combs. That’s right, I’m a Ciroc boy. So, come drink Ciroc with your boy Barack.” You know, I was sitting there watching Barack. Man, that shit is stressful, man. That shit was stressful. I mean, they fucking heckled him. They heckled the president. You ain’t got to like him, but shit, you should respect him, he’s the president. And the man was giving a speech about healthcare, which is important to him. Because he knew, once his black ass was out of office, he probably wasn’t gonna have none. And he was giving an impassioned speech, “We need healthcare for every American, and we should be fastidious with that healthcare.” And a Republican screamed out, “You lie!” In the middle of his speech. See, now, I know Barack Obama’s our first black president, right? But if that was me… and the motherfucker screamed out in the middle of my speech. See, that’s when the world’s going to see the first n*gga president. I’d lose my fucking mind. I’d be like, “We need healthcare for every American and we should be fastidious with that…” “You lie!” “Who the fuck said that shit? Who the fuck said that shit? Hey, yo, Biden! N*gga, Biden, we got beef! Hillary, get the fuck off me. Hillary, get the fuck up off of me! Nah, I ain’t Bill. I don’t play that shit. Yo, Michelle. Handle that bitch. I’m from Hawaii, motherfucker! What? I got nukes motherfucker! Do we have a problem? I said… Do…we…have…a…problem?
See, I want to take this time to explain to white people… what Barack Obama meant to black people. See, we didn’t like Barack because he was black. Okay, maybe we did, but that’s not the point. It was part of it, okay, but… We liked Barack because he was good and he represented something for us. He symbolized something for black people. See, Barack Obama winning the presidency, symbolized… for black people… the first time in the history of us being in this country… that we felt like we won. After all we’ve been through. Segregation, civil rights, slavery. And Barack Obama winning the presidency, was the first time we, as black people, felt like we won. See, that and the OJ trial. But see, we… we… we knew that n*gga did it! Oh, we knew that n*gga did it! Oh, I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry! He killed them poor white people. I’m so fucking sorry! He ain’t shit! He ain’t shit. That motherfucker! He killed them poor white… He killed that little boy, too! He killed his ass! All that little boy wanted was some pussy! That’s all. We just wanted to win. We just wanted to win. And when Barack won, I cried, my kids cried, my momma cried. Every black person cried because you know what? We felt like a bunch of slaves on a plantation that watched one brother get his freedom. We was like, “You better run, Barack! You better run!”
♪ Whoa, my lord, lord, lord, lord ♪
I need some water. Before I overheat like Wendy Williams. It looked like God was fucking with her. Like, “All them people you talk shit about. I’m fucking with you now. Sit yo’ ass…” You know what’s crazy, man? Is, if I had one wish. I wish that we can erase hate. Because hate…hate… It’s killing us as people. How do you erase hate, man? Because hate creates racism. Hate creates fear. It creates prejudice. And now it’s going from racism and it’s transforming. And now we have gaycism. We have people hating on people because of their sexuality. Come on, people. How small-hearted are we? What the fuck is going on? I don’t think you judge a man for his race, his creed, his color, their religion, their political background, their financial status, their sexuality, the diameter of their asshole, who gives a fuck? Here’s my take on gay people. Let’s keep it real. Do you! Do you! Just don’t do me! You know what I think gay people need, that really want they equality? That really want they civil rights? I think they need a gay civil rights leader. Yeah. They need, like, a Martin Luther King… but a gay one. They need Martin Luther Queen. You know, Martin Luther Queen come out. He’s a dignified brother, right? He got on a suit and tie. But he got this shit turned up right here, like, “Hi… Hi…” He got his own personalized microphone. It got little balls on it. And he comes out and he does his version of the famous “I had a dream” speech, but the gay version. He’s like… “I… had a dream… girl. I had a dream… that one day, one day… black boys…Hey… Little white boys… I help you with the swirl. Hey… Little Hispanic boys… Or as I like to call you, papitos. Hey… Hey, papitos. I had a dream… that we could all sit at a table as a group of brethren. Just brethren. No fish allowed. Pew. Pew. I had a dream that we can have the same marital rights as straights do. Yes, that gays can get married. Hey… Gays can get divorced. Ya… And we can take half of somebody else’s shit that don’t deserve it. Hey… Yas… I had a dream… that we could fight side by side in the military… with our brothers in the foxholes… Way deep… in them little foxholes. We all nuzzled together inside those little foxholes… ‘Scuse me. This dream just got a little bit wet. I had a dream… I had a dream that we could change our small-minded military slogan from ‘don’t ask, don’t tell,’ but to, ‘who cares, mind your fucking business.’
So, let us all join hands, you let us all join hands, and you let freedom ring. You let freedom ring through the chilly, gay streets of San Francisco. You let freedom ring through the dirty streets of New York City, filled with all them cute, little Hispanic boys. I see you, Jose and Juan, and I raise you a Julio. You let freedom ring, you let freedom ring through the segregated bathrooms of North Carolina. Who cares if you’re transgender or if you’re a female, as long as you don’t piss all over the toilet seats. And you wipe front to back. Or is it back to front? – Front to back? – Yeah. Front to back, yes. The other way is a little bit messy. You let freedom ring, you let freedom ring through the dark closets of Hollywood, California. Those dark closets, hiding all the scared, little boys who’s afraid to come out, afraid to be bullied, afraid to be judged, afraid not to be accepted… afraid to be touched by Kevin Spacey. Too soon? That’s what the little boy said. And you let us all join hands and let us all sing the old, gay anthem. Free that ass, free that ass, thank God all mighty, we done freed that ass.” See, this shit that I’m preaching, I’m not just preaching, I’m living. And I’m trying to grow and I’m trying to evolve. And I’m trying and that shit is hard for people to digest. Hard for any human being to digest. But when it comes home to your house, that’s when shit changes, man. See, me… I’mma tell y’all a real story, okay? Real story. My daughter came to me at 15 years old. She’s 17 now. Wonderful girl. She comes to me, she goes, “Dad… I kissed a girl… and I think I liked it.” And I said, “Oh, shit, bitch. That…What the…” No, ’cause that’s my little nickname for her. She little bitch. I’m a big bitch. I got the little t-shirts, “Big bitch, little bitch.” But you know, when she first hit me with the news, I was like, “That’s how you gonna break the news to me? You gonna tell me in the form of a song?
♪ I kissed a girl And I think I liked it? ♪
Is that the new shit kids are doing? “Hey, Dad, I’m fucking up at school.” “What happened?”
♪ I fucked up the commas I fucked up the commas, yeah ♪
So I said, you know, I said, “Okay, baby girl.” I said, “Well, you know, this is your first sexual experience. Right? Hey, n*gga, right?” She said, “Umm…yeah. It’s my first sexual… I said, “Man, that sounds shady as fuck to me.” I said, “Listen, baby girl.” I said, “You’re 15 years old. You are entitled to experience things and find your way. You know, you’re a young kid and, you know, who knows, when you go to college, you know, you may feel differently.” And she stopped me. She said, “Dad… but what if I’m gay?” And I said… “Well, baby girl,” I said… “If you are gay, and this is the life that you chose, or better yet, the life that chose you. Understand, you got a tough road ahead of you. See, the world… may judge you. Some people will… outcast you. Some people gonna look at you funny. Others will never accept you. You are a quadruple minority. You are a female, gay, black Wayans. That’s a tough, fucking life.” But I said, “That’s out there. They’re going to judge you. But, baby girl, when you walk into this home.” I said, “You’re gonna get nothing but love, respect, and unconditional embraces from me ’cause I love you.” But you got to try a dick, right? You got to… You got to try a dick, right? Just a, you know, one dick. Like, you know, just accidentally, like fall… Or just let a dick hit you in the head. Look, girl, you got to try the dick, you know? Like, not right now ’cause you’re only 15 years old, but when you get, like 17, 18…Prom night. Try a dick! And don’t try a 17-year-old dick ’cause that’s going to be quick and bad and you may be like, “Fuck him. Bitches for life.” Go get you a nice, seasoned dick. You know? Go get you a nice, 22-year-old grad school dick. You know what I mean? Somebody that had a couple of ill-advised pregnancies, so his pull out game is good. Keeps some Plan B in his pocket. You know? Probably had a couple of diseases already. You know, it was cleared up, but he’s still got the bottle of penicillin ’cause who ever finishes all the penicillin, right? But you got to try a dick, and don’t get no little, stabby dick that feel like a number two pencil you fucking. And don’t get no super, girthy dick that look like a goddamn Loch Ness Monster, that be breathing on its own. It’s so big, it feels like you’re giving labor pains. Every time you having sex with it, it feels like you need an episiotomy and an epidural in order to enjoy the shit. And don’t get no little, weird, uncircumcised dick. Don’t get no… One of them dick that look like an anteater or a Mr. Snuffleupagus. And when you pull the skin back, its all full of lint and cheese. And it smell funny. Like an old gym sock that’s been left in a locker room for two or three days. And when you taste it, it tastes bad, like a bad shot of tequila. You need some salt and a lime, in order to get the fucking, nasty-ass taste out your mouth. You got to try a dick. And I’mma tell you something, when my daughter… My daughter dated this girl, and she wound up getting a little heartbroken. And… it was hard because, you know, this was a little white girl, too, so she gave me a two for one, right? But when your child is crying on your shoulder about some real tears, about shit that’s going on in her life. It’s not on me to judge her, it’s on me to love her. So, I grabbed my baby, and I hugged her, and let her know it was going to be okay. And she was crying and snotting on my brand new Gucci shirt, I was mad about that, but I was like fuck it. I tried to console her the best way I knew how. You know, through the form of a song. I said, “Hey, baby girl, you know…
♪ Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks ♪
But my son, right? My son’s getting older, man. And he’s so handsome. You ever look at your kid, like, “N*gga, look at how beautiful you are. Look at my sperm. Look at how beautiful you are.” I look at him, I shook my head, I was like, “N*gga…you 15…” I looked at him, “Listen, man, you gonna get so much pussy when you get older.” And I looked over at my daughter, I said, “Don’t worry, baby girl, you, too.” I know he’s getting bigger, man, you know, ’cause he keep coming up to me, you know, and seeing how tall he is on me. He be measuring, like, “Hey, Dad, look. I’m almost your height.” I’ll be looking at him, like, “N*gga, I’ll fuck you up.” No, no, no. See, ’cause little boys, they wanna test they daddies. See, that’s the threshold for a boy into his manhood. It’s: can I whoop my daddy’s ass? That makes you a man. See, but I’m prepared for that shit. That’s why I never sent his ass to karate. But see, little boys are going to test they father. And as a dad, all you want to see is your child be great. That’s all you want, to see your child be their greatest them. And so my son, he was playing basketball, and he’s a great basketball player. Yeah, he’s so good. And he was playing not so good one game. And as a sports fan, I did what I normally do to a team that’s sucking. I heckled his ass. “Hey, n*gga, you suck!” I’m like, “Hey, hey. What you doing?” He goes, “Dad, listen, I can’t play great every night.” I said, “Motherfucker,” That’s my little nickname for him. He little motherfucker, I’m big motherfucker. I got t-shirts, “Big motherfucker, little motherfucker.” And, so my son… I said, “You can’t play great every night?” I said, “Boy, if I didn’t play great every night, you wouldn’t have food, and nutrition in your stomach to be able to run up and down this goddamn basketball court. If I didn’t play great every night, you wouldn’t have no goddamn, good sneakers on your feet that make this noise, so that you can play some damn defense, of which your ass ain’t playing.” He goes, “But, Dad, come on, this is basketball. It ain’t work.” I said, “Motherfucker, life is work.” I said, “I’ve been working since I was six years old, man. What do you think I’m doing out here on the road? I write, I produce, I act, I do movies, I do TV, I do standup.” I said, “If I was a slave, they’d give me a fucking raise. So, don’t give me that, ‘Dad, it’s not work.’ No, work starts now. You are a young man. Learn to work. And let me tell you something, boy. You got two jobs. You got two jobs. You got… school. And you got basketball. Well, let me tell you something, motherfucker, you fucking up in school. So, the least your stupid ass can do is go out there and play some goddamn basketball.” And my son got up all tough, like, “I said.” He looked at me, he walked away, balled his fists. I said, “What, Shawn?” I said, “What?” I said, “What, Shawn? You wanna curse at me? He said… I said, “You wanna curse at me? I’ll tell you what. You go out there and you score 40 points. You can come back here, you can look me in my face and go, ‘Hey, Dad, fuck you!’ I ain’t talking about no little, soft ‘fuck you.’ I want you to look me in my eyes, I want that Daffy Duck, ‘you’re despicable’ spit all over my face. I want your bottom lip to hit your chest when you go, ‘Hey, Dad, fuck you!’ He said, “A’ight.” I said, “Yeah, a’ight.” He said, “A’ight.” I said, “Yeah, n*gga, a’ight.”
Do you know that in a matter of 14 minutes and 58 seconds, this boy went out there and scored 38 points? I have never seen no shit like this. He played so good, I was like, I want a DNA test. Steph Curry come get your fucking baby. He played amazing. And he gets fouled. He brought his team back from a 30 point deficit. He gets fouled. There’s two seconds left on the clock. He goes to the line. He has 38 points. 39. They’re down one. He looks at me. He closes his eyes, little, cocky motherfucker. The perfect precision. He misses the shot. Clock goes off. They lose by one. I am so happy. I’m not happy because he missed the shot. I was happy, man, because as a father, that I seen the greatness in my child. That I seen the great that I knew he could be since birth. That we’re raising kings and queens, and they’re better than us. They love harder, they live harder, they’re better than us. And you know something beautiful y’all? That my kids have never been called a n*gger in their life. Except for by me, but see I got a n*gga pass, I can do that type of shit. And so my son, I was so proud. I went over to him… And I just couldn’t hold back my excitement. I said, “See, now that’s how you ‘posed to shoot. I felt like Will Smith in Bad Boys. I was like, “That’s how you ‘posed to shoot! That’s how you ‘posed to shoot!” But I said, “Son, why didn’t you score 40?” He looked at me, said… “Because I didn’t want to say ‘fuck you’ to you, Dad.” I said, “You stupid motherfucker. You lost the goddamn game.”
I love y’all! Thank y’all so much!