[Marc urinating into toilet] [toilet flushing] [audience cheering, Marc sighs] All right. I can’t take it. [audience laughing] I don’t know what he’s gonna do next. [audience laughing] People that voted for him, they don’t know what he’s gonna do next. [audience laughing] But they have a different tone. I’m like, “I don’t know what he’s gonna do next.” But I think they’re like, “I don’t know what he’s gonna do next, man! This is crazy!” “Then why’d you vote for him?” “Hey, shut the fuck up.” Yeah. Yeah, that’s what he ran on, so, that makes sense. [audience laughing] I mean, I’m afraid of my phone. I’m afraid of my phone. I can’t check the news. I’m terrified to refresh the news browser on my phone. You wake up, you’re like, “Do I have coffee first, or do I… Should I check it now? I don’t know what he did while I was sleeping.” [audience laughing] And there’s a nervousness, you know? Like, it’s terrifying. Because you know it’s not gonna be good. It’s not. You’re not gonna do it and be like, “Okay. Great.” It’s not gonna happen. [audience laughing] And I couldn’t figure out what was that feeling that I was experiencing every time I refreshed the news browser on my phone. And it must be akin to an abusive stepfather kicking your bedroom door in just to go, boom, “I’m burning the house down!” [audience laughing] And then he walks out and shuts the door behind him. And you’re sitting there with your phone going: “I should go, right? [audience laughing] Where can I go?” And it’s just crazy, you know? The people he’s appointing are crazy. It’s gotten to a point where I can say things to you that would never make sense previous… But now you’d be like, “All right.” Like, I could walk up to you, be like: “Hey, man. Did you hear they’re making the Grand Canyon a landfill?” [audience laughing] “What?” “Yeah. Yeah, they’re doing that.” “Yeah, I guess that makes sense, I guess. [audience laughing] But what’s their logic?” “How many times you gotta see that thing? They’re just gonna do half of it, and the other half you can still see. But I bet people go see the garbage, too, because that’s a lot of garbage. It’s gonna be a double thing now.” “Yeah, I could see why they would do that.” “It’s okay to hunt at zoos now.” [audience laughing] “What?” “Yeah, the new EPA guy, I don’t know. I guess it’s okay.” You’re like, “Oh. Right. I guess that makes sense with their logic, I guess. It’s gonna be a whole different thing for the kids now, I guess, so… But a lot of those animals are almost extinct anyway. Might as well just get it over with, you know?” Extinction’s sort of a proactive term with these guys. [audience laughing] Some things you never thought you’d say, like, “Wow, these Nazis are annoying. [audience laughing] Did I just say that? Is this real life? Did I say that?” And now, like, you know, people you know for years are coming out as Trump voters. Because they were hedging their bets for a while. Now they’re like, “I think it’s okay to admit it to my friends.” People you’ve known forever, they’re like, “I voted for him.” Then that first thought is like, “Well, now I’ve got a decision to make. [audience laughing] What the fuck do I do with you now? [audience laughing] Why’d you do that? Why’d you do that to everybody?” “Well, come on. You knew I was a Republican. I just voted party line. You know, both of them were bad. I wasn’t gonna vote for her. She was a crook.” “Was she a crook? Or was she just a nice older lady that didn’t understand her phone?” [audience laughing, then cheering] I’ve got two e-mail accounts on my phone. I screw up sometimes. There’s no international consequence. Just usually me going like, “Oh, shit. Now that idiot has my real e-mail address.” [audience laughing] I’m gonna be hearing from him more than I want to be. I try to have a conversation with these people, because I know them, and I don’t want this polarization. At some point, we’re gonna have to bridge it. So, I’m like, “I don’t get… Just explain to me, really. What… I mean, what… How are we gonna communicate now?” He’s like, “Come on, man. We’re all Americans.” And I’m like, “No. [audience laughing] Not enough. Not gonna be enough.” “Well, come on, you know, like everyone loves Tom Petty and burritos.” [audience laughing] “Yeah, that’s true, but I don’t think Petty is enough to bridge this gap. I just don’t think that he has that power at this juncture.” They’re like, “Well, we just don’t talk about politics.” [grunts] I’m like: “Here’s what bugs me, man: There are people that had to climb out of their hate holes to vote for this guy. They’d never voted before. They had to figure out where to vote, and how to do it. They had to take time away from hating, which was hard for some of them… [audience laughing] and vote for this guy, and now you’re aligned with them. You’re on the same side as them. You’re part of that.” And they’re like, “Well, I bet you that guy likes Petty. I mean, I think if you… [audience laughing] Seriously, man. If you just talked to him, stayed away from politics. They’re just people, man.” And I’m like, “Well, what? You mean I’ve gotta go to Chipotle with that guy? [audience laughing] Sit there and be like, ‘Wow, you prefer the bowl over the burrito? Hmm. Interesting.'” “Yeah, I like the bowl.” “Oh, yeah.” “Yeah, Tom Petty? You like Petty?” “Aw, I fucking love Petty.” “Oh, that’s cool. That’s cool.” “I hate Jews, though. I hate Jews.” [audience laughing]
Yeah, it’s going south quick. I, uh… “You know, maybe we shouldn’t talk about politics.” [chuckles] As if that’s politics. [audience laughing] [laughing] I don’t know, man. Look, I will admit… If this guy does anything good, I’ll admit it. I’m not saying he’s gonna be good for people that didn’t vote for him. And it’s still okay to say that in this country. I did not vote for him. But for us, it’s not gonna be good. It’s always gonna be horrible. We’re not gonna one day wake up in the next three and a half years and go like, “Holy shit. This turned around.” – It’s not gonna… It’s not… – [audience laughing] We’re just gonna have to eat that. We have to suck that up and fight the fight we can. But it’s not gonna be good. But… if he does anything good, I’ll admit it. That said, if it’s much worse than we ever anticipated, which is really fucking bad… [audience laughing] people that voted for him are gonna have to apologize. That’s all. They’ve just gotta apologize. [audience cheering] I’m just gonna need a little eye contact. Look. Look, even if we only have eight minutes before the missiles hit, I’m gonna need a little eye contact, and a few words. Even if it’s like, “Oh, man! I didn’t think he’d do this! This is crazy, bro! Sorry! [audience laughing] Petty rules though, right? Fucking Petty.” [mimicking bomb exploding] Cue “Free Falling.” [audience laughing] And look, you know, the sad part is… It’s not sad, but it’s that if you’re like-minded as I am, no one’s got our backs in government. That’s hard. Now we’ve gotta have each other’s backs, and, you know, we should do that anyways, but now you might have to step up in public. Because one thing the popular vote means is that there’s no social mandate on being a douche bag in public. So, it might be on you to say things like this sometimes: “Hey, you know, it’s still not okay to do that.” [audience laughing]
You might have to find courage. I don’t always have courage. I’m not the most courageous guy. I’m sort of an alpha pussy. – Um… – [audience laughing] Yeah, we exist. We exist, yeah. There’s the classic alpha male, just the meathead, rage-filled, like: [roars] And then there’s the alpha pussy who makes fun of that guy. [audience laughing] You’re like, “That guy’s a douche bag.” “Why don’t you say it to his face?” “Because I’m saying it to you. This is our hierarchy. That’s theirs. This is how that works.” I don’t know how much time I have left. Not in this set, in life. I don’t know how much time I have left. I’m not sick, I’m not dying. But I don’t know. I’m at that point where you hit… You get… I’m, like, 53, and you start to wonder, how much time do I got left? And it’s playing into my decision-making process. If my girlfriend wants to watch a movie I don’t want to, I’m like, “No, I don’t want to die during that. I don’t want to… [audience laughing] I’d hate that to be the time. Let’s make a better choice. I think we can make a better choice.” If someone comes up to me like, “Oh, man, you don’t listen to Phish? You gotta listen to Phish.” “I don’t know how much time I’ve got left. I really, you know…” [audience applauding] And what if I like it? That’s like the rest of my life, right? [audience laughing] I’ve got no more room in my heart or my mind for another jam band, man. I mean, I’ve got half the Grateful Dead catalog in there, and three or four Allman Brothers songs. I’m maxed out. I’m filled up.”
And if you’re ever asking me this question: “Have you seen that documentary with… ” Stop right there. I don’t know how much time I got left. There’s too many documentaries. Let’s slow down on the documentaries. We’re all loaded up. We’ve got enough for now. I’m not trying to discourage anyone. There are some good ones. But there are some bad ones. Sometimes I think documentary filmmaking’s just a Hail Mary pass for someone almost giving up on the medium. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but just because you have an iPhone and your cat is sick doesn’t make you a genius. [audience laughing] “I’m gonna call it One Out of Nine. It’s about my cat dying, but it’s also about me accepting failure. I think this is much better than the one I made about my dad’s struggle to buy pants in an unfamiliar store.” [audience laughing] [chuckles] I just don’t know how much time I have left. And I don’t think I’m afraid to die. I’d prefer it happens quickly. Like the transition, I just want it to be like: I’d like my last words to be something like, “Wait, what?” [audience laughing] That’d be preferable. But the reason I don’t think I’m afraid to die is a weird reason. It’s a weird reason. Because I’ve always had this recurring image in my head. I never understood it until now, and I think I misinterpreted it before. I’ll share it, because I don’t know what you’d do. But it’s a recurring image I get, and it always is just me hanging from a cliff. That’s where we enter, me hanging from a cliff. I don’t know why. There’s no one around. I don’t know what happened, but I’m hanging from a cliff. And I never picture myself climbing back up. [audience laughing] It’s only a matter of time before I’m like: “Oh…” And I think that’s because I’m not afraid to die. I think it’s because I’m not a control freak. You know what I mean? Yeah, anyone can scramble back up, but it takes real courage just to let go. [audience laughing] And I don’t have a god in place. It just wasn’t put there. You know, I’m 53, and I don’t think it’s gonna happen. The wheels would really have to come off for me to find god at this age. But I think I’m spiritual, maybe. I don’t know. No. Probably not. [audience laughing]
Like, when did this question become so popular? I get it three or four times a week. “Hey, are you meditating? Do you meditate?” What’s happening? When did… Why is everyone asking me that? Does that happen to you, or is it crazy? Are you meditating? Like, are you guys part of the same team? Why do I… No, I’m not fucking meditating. I know what it is, but I’m not doing it. I’ve done it. I did not get the desired results. [audience laughing] I know how to meditate. I get it. You’ve got to sit quietly and comfortably. Be mindful. That’s another word getting way too much usage. Be mind… When did that become a word? That’s everywhere. Be mindful. And what is that? It’s a meditation word. Be mindful. Be mindful of your breath. And this is me meditating, the one time I did it. [groaning] Mindful of my breath. [continues groaning] Be mindful of your breath, and thoughts will come. But don’t lock onto them. Don’t attach yourself to the thoughts. Just let them go by. Let the thoughts come, but let them go by. So, I’m mindful of my breath. Let the thoughts go by. [groaning] I don’t know what the hell he’s gonna do. Ooh. [audience laughing] [groaning] I don’t know how much time I have left. Oh, okay. My dad’s an asshole. That one’s not going by. That one’s staying. [groaning] In all honesty I got where you needed to be. The one time I meditated successfully, I cleared my mind. I cleared my ego. Everything was open. I hit that point of Zen. And all I could hear was my breath and my heart beating, and right at that moment I thought: “This could fucking stop at any second.” [audience laughing] And I ejected right out of it. Because that is not the desired result of meditation.
And I don’t know how to have fun. How do you have fun? How do you guys do it? I don’t think I would have come to this show. [audience laughing] [audience applauding] Like, if Marc Maron’s playing, I’m like: Ehh… [mumbling] “I like him, but I’ve gotta go down to the… I don’t know.” I think it’s genetic, really, you know? Like my dad‘s alive. Uh… Wrong tone? Is that the wrong tone? Um… Wait, let me try again. I’m blessed to, uh… To have my father still with us. But sometimes, some days, it’s like, “When? When?!” But… No, that’s negative. But do you remember… Remember the day you realized your dad was an idiot? Do you remember that day? It’s a pretty important day. You spend a lot of time thinking, “He’s great. My dad’s great. He’s the greatest guy in the world,” probably longer than you should. And then one day the fucking other shoe drops, and you’re like, “Holy shit.” When did he turn into an idiot?” – You know? – [audience laughing] My father used to be a doctor, and screwed that up somehow. But he was a bright man and he did his job and I was very impressed with him, and, I don’t know, something went wrong. I don’t know. Like, I got a phone call from him once. He was all upset, and I’m like, “What’s the matter, Dad?” And he goes, “I just don’t understand why I didn’t win the lottery.” [audience laughing] “Wait, what?” “Yeah, I play every day. I don’t get why I’m not winning.” I’m like, “Oh, my God. When did you become a fucking idiot?” [audience laughing] I said to him, just to feel him out: “So, what would you do, Dad, if you won the lottery?” He just immediately goes: “Well, I’d do everything I wanted to do. I would do everything I want to do.” And I go, “Like what?” And there’s a beat, and he goes, “Yeah, you’re right.” [audience laughing] That quick? That quick?
So, like, it’s genetic, and I don’t want… Like, I’m already there. That’s it. Nothing? Can’t do nothing. I don’t know what people do. What am I supposed to do, you know? I play guitar. That’s nice. I’m just happy I never wanted to be a professional guitar player, because now my hobby isn’t haunted by failure, you know what I mean? Like, my guitar isn’t some sort of broken dream vessel, you know? Is that too hard for this crowd? A little too hard? A little too close to home? I apologize. [audience applauding] Might be a couple dudes in the audience like: “Oh, fuck, Maron. I just started playing drums again. [audience laughing] I brought you a CD tonight.” And you’re like, “It’s from 2002, but we were good.”
Yeah. I don’t know what to do. What do you do? There’s things I’m supposed to like. You know, I’m a smart guy, and relatively sophisticated. I’m interested in things. Like when people go like, “Do you want to go to the museum?” Inside I’m thinking like, “Ugh. No.” But, like… [audience laughing] You don’t say that. You’re like, “What’s going on down there? What’s going on?” And I don’t want to close my mind. I’ve looked at a lot of art. I like art, and I just… But I think I’ve seen enough. I think I’m all done. [audience laughing] Is that wrong? I don’t want to be… I don’t want to discourage anyone from doing it. I’m just… I’m done, I think. And also, there’s a problem I have at museums. If I go to a museum, right when I walk in, and get to the desk where you pay for the ticket, “the donation,” “the suggested donation.” Right when I’m putting money down, I’m just like: “Oh, my God, I’m exhausted. I’m exhausted. I don’t know what just happened. I’m exhausted. Is there a mid-century bench that’s not part of an exhibit that I could maybe just take a little snooze on? A little nappy? I can see half a painting in that room over there, and I don’t know what it wants. I don’t know what it needs from me, and I’m tired. I’m just tired.” I get the feeling when I go to Home Depot. You ever go to Home Depot to buy a little thing? “I need an extension cord. I’ll just go to Home Depot.” Don’t do it. You just walk in and you’re like, “Oh, my God, I’m tired. I’m so tired. Is there any constructed piece of mattress furniture that I could just lay down on a second?” And I think they both come from the same place. It’s a deep, like, knowledge that there’s just a lot of things I don’t understand, and I’m probably not going to. [audience laughing]
But what do people do? I don’t know. What do you do? You binge watch things. I don’t know where you get the time. I don’t know what’s going on. I can’t handle the media landscape. Too many options. Too much shit. Like my analogy for the media landscape is like: You ever driven past a landfill? Just like a giant mountain of garbage? It doesn’t even look like garbage anymore. There’s that weird dirt in it. You have that sort of like… But you see pieces of garbage. And it’s got those horrible birds flying over it. You’re driving by and only have two thoughts, in no particular order: One is like, “Oh, my God, look at that. That’s disgusting.” But the other thought is always, “I bet there’s some good stuff in there. [audience laughing] I bet you there’s a box of money in there that someone just forgot. Or maybe some old stamps, collectible stamps. Or maybe a ring that’s still on a finger!” [audience laughing] That’s like the media landscape. If you can find that ring on that finger… I mean, oddly, you know, I’m old enough… This is not an old guy thing, but I remember when there were three networks, and that was okay. That was enough. Why’d we… Why is it like it is now? There weren’t many choices. We weren’t getting all the information, but we were all kind of on the same page, give or take a show or two. Right?
I mean, now someone… I’ve had people ask me if I’ve seen a show and not only have I not heard of the show, but when they tell me where it’s on, I don’t even know what that is. [audience laughing] When did that happen? Someone comes up to you all excited. “Hey dude, are you watching Turd Journey?” “Wait, did you say Turd Journey?” “Yeah, Turd Journey. There’s 40 episodes of Turd Journey on.” “What? Wait, Turd Journey?” “It’s not what it sounds like. It kind of is, but it’s about more than that. You gotta check it out.” – “Where’s it on?” – “Oh, shit. You gotta download Clomper. Do you have Clomper? It’s an app for your phone or computer. You become part of the Clomper community. You can watch all 40 Turd Journeys. And Savage Dicks. You ever watch Savage Dicks? That’s on Clomper. It’s not what it sounds like. It kind of is, but it’s about more. And there’s some Savage Dick- Turd Journey crossover. It’s hilarious.” I’m like, “On Clomper?” “Yeah, you gotta download Clomper for Turd Journey. Savage Dicks.” [audience laughing] – “Clomper?” – “Yeah, Clomper. Oh, shit. They have Clomper Docs now. They have Clomper Docs. There’s this one called One Out of Nine about this guy’s cat dying. [audience laughing] But it’s about more than that. It’s about his cat dying, but it’s really about him failing. It’s pretty good. And it’s got a surprise ending. Spoiler alert! Yeah, it turns out the cat gets better, and the guy gets sick.” [audience laughing] Clomper Docs. Clomper. “I don’t know how much time I’ve got left. I don’t think it’s gonna happen.”
I don’t do things. I don’t do stuff. I don’t know why I don’t do stuff. I kind of know why. All right, example. I got an opportunity to see the Rolling Stones. I was given tickets to see the Rolling Stones the first date of their last stadium tour. San Diego, right? The first day. I was given tickets on the field. And the day I was given those tickets, my first thought was like: “Fucking parking’s gonna… [audience laughing] That’s gonna be a clusterfuck, parking down there at an arena. Are they even equipped for that? Do they have lots? What’s up down there? What?” And my friend Dean was like, “Oh, we’re going. It’s the Stones.” And I’m like, “Yeah, but I don’t… All right.” Then I had to examine, why didn’t I want to go see the Stones? And there was a couple levels of excuses, like part of me was like, “Well, you know, Bill Wyman’s not playing bass anymore, so, they’re not really the Stones.” He hasn’t played for 20 years. That’s like saying “I haven’t bought a Stones record since Brian Jones died.” It’s just not a viable excuse. [audience laughing] So, I thought about it more and I realized: “Oh, you know what it is? It’s because they’re old.” Now, I’m not being an ageist, right? I just didn’t want it to be sad. [audience laughing] I have a lot of belief and faith and love for the Rolling Stones. They’re bigger than life. They’re my favorite band. They’d been there for me forever. They need to stay the Rolling Stones. I can’t go to a Rolling Stones show and be like, “Oh, no.” [audience laughing] I can’t let that happen. I was concerned. I was concerned for the Stones. I’m like, “I don’t think they should be doing it anymore.” [audience laughing] But we went. Dean and I went. Parked on the fourth level of the structure. And we get down to the field, and there’s people of all ages. Dean’s looking around. “A lot of reading glasses out.” There were guys older than me, guys my age, young people, because they’re the Stones. The greatest rock ‘n’ roll band in the world. Mythic. The Rolling Stones. I think I was the only one who was concerned. I’m like, “I don’t know how this is gonna go. [audience laughing] I don’t know. A little worried.” Everyone’s like, “Yeah!” and I’m like: [groaning] So, I was really worried. So, the opening band does their thing. They bring them out. “The Rolling Stones!” They all come out. I’m like: “Uh…” So, then there’s Keith. Keith’s doing a good job of being Keith at 72. His hair is its natural color. He’s not dangling shit from it anymore. He’s looking good. He’s doing a few of these. [audience laughing] A couple of these. But not pushing it. Doing a good job. From what I could see of Charlie, he’s looking good. He’s solid. Gray hair, solid on the drums. Looking good. Ronnie is a problem. Ronnie’s a problem. [audience laughing] His hair is dyed. He’s running around. It’s a little embarrassing. But he’s the kid. He’s 68, so… [audience laughing] I’m gonna give Ronnie a pass. Now, if you’re a real Stones fan, I believe that some part of you just tolerates Mick Jagger. All right? You know… You know he’s important. He’s the Rolling Stones. But you know, he’s Mick Jagger, so… So, when Mick came out, it was different. Mick comes out, and right away he’s like: [audience laughing] And… And, like, part of me was like, “Oh, my. Yeah, I… Isn’t he a little old to be…? Like… I was like, “I don’t know if he should be doing that. A man his age.” I was embarrassed, you know? But then I settled into it. I was like, “He’s Mick Jagger. He does that. If anyone’s gonna do that, let Mick do it.” So, I settled in and I was like, “All right, okay. It’s not sad.” It took them three songs to pull it together, but I like that. Rock ‘n’ roll’s dirty. It’s fucked up. Let them figure it out. So, by the fourth song I was up on my chair like: You know? But then something happened. Well, it was kind of rough and beautiful at the same time. So, they’re gonna do “Moonlight Mile” from Sticky Fingers, a challenging song for the Stones at any age. He’s gotta do falsetto. It’s a slow song. They put him way out in the audience on his own platform. Mick with a guitar. I think the other guys were kind of concerned. They were like: [audience laughing] You know, and I’m watching him, and he’s doing it. He’s hitting it, man. He’s hitting the falsetto. It’s working. He’s in it. And out of nowhere, I just start crying. I’m crying. I look like those black and white photographs of those 16-year-old girls in the ’60s. [audience laughing] Tears are running down my face. In the middle of that moment, something horrible happened. They’ve got the big screen. They go right in on Mick’s face. Like right here. And there it is, 50 feet big. And I’m like, “Oh, God! Why are you doing that to Mick?” You could see everything, all the lines and dyed hair. I’m like, “Stop it! Take it down!” [audience laughing] It was sad. I was like, “This is horrible. Why are they doing that?” And I just kept looking at him. And all of a sudden it just hit me. I’m like: “Whoa, wait a minute. This is amazing.” That these guys are still doing those songs, now with all this experience, and pain, and wisdom, and just life behind them. It brings a depth to it that wasn’t there before. It’s fucking unbelievable. They’re still the huge Rolling… It’s, like, beautiful. I started thinking about it like: “It’s a lot riskier for those guys to be doing this shit now than it was in 1972.” I mean, in 1972, if Richards was, like, fucked up on heroin, and he fell into a Marshall stack in the middle of the show, and they had to cancel it, half the audience would be like: “Ha! Fucking Keith! [audience laughing] Man, he was so fucked up. They couldn’t even finish. I love it. I love it.” They didn’t care. But now they’re old, and they’re doing this shit. And they’re running around. Like there were points where I’m like, “Take it easy, fellas. Don’t go crazy.” Because Mick’s running. He’s running from side to side. [audience laughing] I was like, “Slow down,” because what if it was just like, “Yeah… [audience laughing] [audience cheering] Keith. Keith, help me. Keith. Oh, my God. It’s happened. It’s happened.” Like, if that happened, an entire generation of people would just be out there going: “Oh, fuck. It’s over. [audience laughing] Mick is down. We’re dying. We’re dying.” He didn’t go down, though. He did not go down. They stayed. They stayed the Rolling Stones.
Now… [crowd applauding] I’m gonna share something with you. I’m not proud of it, but Dean, my buddy Dean, he’s in his 50’s, too. He’s 50. We watched the concert and they left. And we knew they were gonna do one encore, right? Me and Dean are sitting there. They come back out. And they go into “Satisfaction.” And I swear to God, at the same time, we look at each other like: [whispers] “Let’s go. [audience laughing] – Let’s do it. Let’s beat the crowd.” – Dean lit up. He’s like, “Yeah, let’s go.” We’ve got a mission. We’re running. We’re like, “Let’s go.” And we get out. We’ve gotta get out of an arena. We hear them go into “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.” And we could hear that they’d brought on stage like an entire choir. I’m like, “Shit, a choir.” Dean’s like, “We can hear. Just keep going.” [audience laughing] We run up the stairs, and we get to the car, and we’re driving down. As we’re pulling out of the garage, we see the crowds break. There’s this wave of people coming out of the arena, and we’re like, “Shit, do it.” And we get out, we get on the highway, we beat the crowds free and clear. And… But I think that might have been the highlight of the night. [audience laughing] It might have been better than the concert. We enjoyed the concert, but we could not have been more excited. We were like, “Dude! Dude, we’re out! We’re out! That concert was amazing, but we’re out, we’re driving! Put a Stones CD in. Let’s put a Stones CD in. Play Exile. That concert was good, but it’s not Exile.” It was a good moment. Sometimes you do get what you want. – [audience laughing]
Um… [groans] I don’t know why I’m hung up on this mortality thing. I don’t know why. I think it’s because I had a near-death experience not too long ago. I almost died. Uh… Well, I went running. – And, um, I hadn’t done it in a while. – [audience laughing] And it was scary. It was touch and go, as far as I could tell. I was very close to death. I don’t know what you do, but I don’t exercise much. I may look in shape, but not really. I go through periods where I don’t exercise at all. And it takes a lot to get me to exercise. I don’t know what happens with you, but with me, the exercise thing is like three phases that have to happen before I actually exercise. Like, phase one usually is just me sitting at home alone, doing nothing. And out of nowhere I just look down and I go, “Oh, fuck me. [audience laughing] Goddamn it. What the fuck is wrong with me? Goddamn it. Why can’t I just exercise? It’s bullshit. I’ve gotta get back in shape. I’ve gotta get back in shape.” Then some part of your brain is like, “What do you mean, ‘back’?” [audience laughing] Like, somewhere in my mind, I think that there was a period of time where I hit the gym three, four times a week. I was running, hitting weights, a little ripped. But in reality, I don’t think that time ever happened. I don’t think it ever existed. I think it’s a mythology I’ve created for myself to judge myself against when I want to hate myself because I have a little bit of time on my hands. That doesn’t always get me out. There’s the next phase, which is you wake up and you’re like: “The only way I’m gonna do it is if I get new shoes. I gotta get new shoes. Those shoes don’t even work anymore. Those… I’ve gotta get new shoes. You’ve gotta get the magic shoes.” There’s no magic shoes. There are no shoes that wake you up because they put themselves on your feet and started the process. “Hey, what’s going on? Wait. Pants. We need pants.” [audience laughing] You get the shoes, you put them in the closet, and you see them when you get your other shoes. They’re like, “Are we doing it?” “Shut up. We’ll do it when I want to. That’s how I talk to sneakers. I don’t know who you are or what your life is. But the way it has to happen, the way it happens to exercise, really, is that you have to be seized by the need to do it in a moment. Like, the spirit has to move you like, “I gotta go. I gotta do it now.” And you have to do it right then, because that’s your portal. That’s your window back in. You’ve gotta do it when that hits you. And it hit me. It was 2:30 in the afternoon. And it was 102 degrees outside. Now, I hadn’t run in, like, two years. I didn’t let that stop me. I’m like, “I can do it. I can do it. I can run.” So, I put on my magic shoes, and I grabbed my driver’s license for easy tagging. I don’t know about you, but I always take the driver’s license. I got my iPhone, I’ll get outside. “Oh, shit, I better get the license. If I go down…” They’re not gonna crack an iPhone for a terrorist cell. They’re not gonna do it for a mid-level celebrity dead on a hill. [audience laughing and applauding] Better take the driver’s license. I’m out there running the hills. I haven’t been out there in… I don’t even notice how hot it is, because it’s so hot sweat’s not even building up. I get ten minutes in and all of a sudden my hands go numb. And I’m like, “What’s happening?” Then I can’t feel my arms, and I’m like, “This isn’t good.” And then my heart starts going: [mimics heart thumping] And I’m like, “Holy shit.” I had to take a knee. I had to take a knee, outdoors, and appeal to a God that I don’t have, [audience laughing] and say, “This doesn’t happen here. This doesn’t happen outside. This is an indoor thing, and it’s quick. Not outside. In a bathtub, in my sleep, something like that. Not out here.” As I was sitting there I was like: “How many men’s last words are ‘I got this’?” You know what I mean? What was I doing out there? Dumb pride, you know? And then I got up. I had this fear that I would be found just laying there outdoors. Like, some hipster couple with their dumb dog… [audience laughing] would just find me laying there. They’d be like, “He did not have it. Did not have it today. Oh, look. It’s, like, the first day out for those shoes. Look at those shoes.” “Come on, buddy. Just stay away from him. It’s not polite.” It didn’t happen. And I tell you what, I got up. That’s how stubborn I am. I got up, and I still did… I didn’t run. But I did the entire route. And then I called the doctor.
The next day I called the doctor because I’m 53 and I should when that happens. They set me up with a cardiologist, so, I go to the cardiologist. When you go to the doctor, you want something to be wrong. Not a major thing, but enough to not make you a fucking lunatic. So… [audience laughing] I go to the cardiologist. And I don’t get it, man. They can put people in space, we can take money out around the world, they make all these developments, they can clone things. But they can’t get a handle on this vessel. This is a closed system, confounding for some reason. Cannot figure it out. Right? Isn’t it crazy? So, I go to this doctor, they do all the tests. They do a stress test, cardiogram, blood test. They do an ultrasound of my heart. And, uh, it’s a girl. Um… [audience laughing] You know, sometimes you don’t wanna know. But, you know, I kind of knew. I think a lot of you knew. They do all these fucking tests, and then the doctor comes out. And he’s like, “Yeah, you’re great. You’re in perfect shape. No problems. Perfectly fit. Everything… All the tests are good.” And I’m like, “What? What does that mean?” He’s like, “You’re healthy.” And I’m like, “What happened out there? On the hill, when my hands went numb, my arm went numb, and my heart was skipping? What was that about?” And a doctor, a real doctor, looked at me and said: “Who knows?” [audience laughing] “Shouldn’t you know?” “Look, we’ll see if it happens again. Let me know.” “No, I’m gonna call you before I go running. And you can come and follow me in your car. How would that be?” “Who knows?” I shouldn’t have told my mom about it. ‘Cause that gave her a reason to check in with me. [audience laughing]
I don’t wanna be negative. But my mother’s just inappropriate. She’s always been inappropriate. No boundaries. It’s disturbing. It’s just disturbing. It is. And now someone’s taught her how to use emojis. It’s no good. It’s never the right emoji. She’s very partial to the smiley face with the heart eyes. And that’s not the right one for your 53-year-old man son. That’s not the right one. It’s just not the appropriate emoji. All caps. All caps texts, all caps e-mails. She doesn’t know how to make little letters. She knows how to change the color of the e-mails, but she doesn’t know how to make little letters. If the NSA is looking at all her e-mails, my mom’s nickname is All Caps in Florida. Not a national security threat, but she does make her 53-year-old man son uncomfortable when she sends an all-caps text that says, “I love you.” Smiley face heart eyes. What am I supposed to do with that? [audience laughing] Look, I love my mother. But I’m not in love with her. I don’t think I am. I, uh… [audience laughing] Huh. Inappropriate though. Like, one time, she sent me a manila envelope. Like, a manila envelope in the regular mail. No phone call, no heads-up. I didn’t know what it was. But I knew it was from her, ’cause it had her needy scrawl on it. So… [audience laughing] I opened it up, and there were two notarized forms in there. And I thought, “This should’ve been a phone call. I don’t even know what this is.” But this looks like a phone call, or maybe a heads-up: “I’m sending some notarized forms to you.” This was breakfast I was eating. And they were two documents. One was her desire to be cremated… and have her ashes spread somewhere over the Southwest. Which I thought was good. It was broad, and it gave me options. Theoretically, I could drive 10 minutes into Arizona, and just be like, “Adios, Mama.” You know? [audience laughing] The other document… was the DNR document. Look, people have to do this. It’s important. But I could’ve used a phone call. So, this is the do-not-resuscitate document. Now, I didn’t know that there’s a list of people, in order of preference… who can do the unplugging. I didn’t know that. I’m not pissed off, but I’m not number one. [audience laughing] It’s my little brother. My little brother. Why does he get to kill her? [audience laughing] That’s why she didn’t call me. How is she gonna explain that to me? Her first born, who she’s in love with. She did not trust me with that very delicate responsibility. Then I started thinking, “Me and my brother aren’t getting along. Maybe this is just her way of trying to get us to do something together.” That’s what I thought. [audience laughing] But what did she think? Did she think I was gonna jump the gun or something? What’d she think was gonna happen? That I’d be in the hospital room, she’s on the machine, and I’d be talking to my brother like, “Come on, do it, man. Just pull it. Pull it, bro. Just fucking do it.” “Marc, she’s still talking.” “I know. But enough already, right? Let’s wrap it up.” My mother does not love that joke. [audience laughing]
You know, some people think that, like, comedy takes courage. I don’t know if that’s true. I guess it is at some point. I don’t even know if what I’m doing is comedy anymore. But I certainly don’t have a lot of fear. But I’ll tell you what, part of my process… I’ll share it with you. I don’t write jokes. I write, you know, compulsive thoughts, you know, on Post-its. Now… these take courage. Because I do these while I’m driving. Now… [audience laughing] This is more dangerous than texting, ’cause I need both hands. I gotta hold the pad down on the wheel. Then I gotta write, and I gotta focus on the important thought. So, my life is put at risk, and the life of others, for these. So, I figure I should share them. Since, you know, many lives were hanging in the balance. [audience cheering] Don’t… Don’t get too crazy. All right, so, this one just says, um, “My comfort zone is uncomfortable.” [audience laughing] That’s worth dying for, right? Right, worth…? [audience cheering] This one says, “I want people to like me, I just want to know why they do.” [audience laughing] I think that was worth taking out a pedestrian or two. Here’s one. This is interesting. “The monster I created to protect the kid inside me is hard to manage.” [audience laughing] Not funny, but it’s a thinker, right? It’s a thinker. It makes you think, “Wow. That should be in a book with other things like that.” [audience laughing]
Oh, this one just says: “The trepidation of the Dave Matthews fan.” [audience laughing] It’s hilarious to me that people respond to just that. ‘Cause you know who you are. It’s not easy for them. It’s not easy. They can’t be out with that, you know what I mean? You can’t put that into the world. You don’t know how that’s gonna be received. Not good, generally. The only place the Dave Matthews fan can truly be comfortable is when they’re wearing sandals and cargo shorts, jigging around in an arena… with other like-minded people. “I hope these mushrooms aren’t bunk again.” [audience laughing] I don’t need to shit on Dave Matthews. I don’t need to take time to do that. I personally don’t like him. But this came from a true, honest, beautiful, human moment. I’ll share that with you. But I do need to address the Dave Matthews thing.
I listen to a lot of music. I’m very open minded. I can listen to Parliament in the morning, Bert Jansch in the afternoon. And maybe some Gram Parsons. Whatever, I mix it up. I’m not just dropping names to be hip. I have an open mind when it comes to music. But I cannot get through two of his songs. I can’t get through. I… And I try. I try. By midway… By midway through the second song, I get a type of boredom that’s not even normal boredom. It’s like there’s an edge to it. It’s like an aggravated boredom. Like the boredom sets in, and then I’m like, “God, fuck. What the… Why? Why?” Like, I don’t know what that is. [audience laughing] But I know people like him. And, you know, good for you. I know it’s hard for you guys. It’s very hard to defend that. And the moment that I had, which was kind of beautiful, was… It was great.
I was in Iowa City doing a gig. [audience members whooping] Oh, yeah? It’s a very interesting town. I’ve never seen a town more separated into, like, full on sports meatheads, and then the writers’ program, you know? So, like… [audience laughing] There’s just people that are just like, “We’re gonna win!” And then people like, “I’m still sad about David Foster Wallace. I’m never gonna get over… ” And somehow, there’s a perfect yin yang to the thing. This complete… Okay, so, I’m getting coffee in Iowa City. There’s a guy getting coffee in front of me. He’s ordering. There’s a barista there. And the guy ordering coffee says to the guy making coffee: “What are you doing this weekend?” The guy making coffee looks up, and he’s like, “Oh, I’m going to a concert.” Then the guy ordering coffee goes, “Really? Who are you going to see?” And then the other guy stood up, and I saw it in his face. [audience laughing] “Dave Matthews Band.” And I was… I felt for him. It was courageous. He put himself out there. That’s hard. You know, you don’t know how it’s gonna land. It hung there for, like, two, like, really tense seconds. And then the other guy goes, “Oh, I fucking love Dave Matthews.” And I was so happy for them, that they had this moment. I knew in my heart they were both wrong. I knew that. [audience laughing] But I was happy for them. ‘Cause I’m a big-hearted, tolerant person. [audience applauding] Oh, yeah. This one. This one just says: “I expect relief and life-changing impact from everything.” [audience laughing] That’s a lot. Then there’s a second thought, because there’s a line here. So, I must have stopped driving and just sort of like: The other one says, “The space between despair and orgasm is hard to fill.” [audience laughing] And that’s not a time thing, that’s a philosophical idea.
So… Some guy… Some guy sent me a hat. He sent me a hat. Look, I don’t know how hat companies stay in business, you know? It was a gift, I guess, you know. And I know, I’m a guy. I’ve been the guy on the street, just standing there. You see a hipster with a hat, and you’re like, “Oh, I gotta get a fucking hat.” I’ve been that guy. But I don’t know how they stay in business. Anyways, this guy sent me a hat. It was a big hat. It was a fancy hat. It was a Stetson hat. I didn’t know the guy well. But it was a gift. It wasn’t a cowboy hat. It was like a… Like a 1800s derby looking hat. Nice hat. But I would’ve had to change my entire life… [audience laughing] you know, to accommodate that hat. I just… I knew two things when I opened that box. I’m like, “That is a nice hat.” I Googled it. It’s a $100 hat. And it’s never leaving the house on my head. It’s never going out. Not gonna happen for that hat. Because… All right, I’ll be honest with you. Yeah, I’ll tell you. All right. I’ve been the guy… in a store that sells big stupid hats. Standing in front of a mirror with a big stupid hat on, saying, “Oh, hell yeah. This is my hat. I fucking love this hat.” It’s good and important that you have someone you love there at that moment… to helpfully say, “Don’t buy a hat.” It’s not gonna stop you, though. ‘Cause you’re gonna be like: “Oh, no, baby. This is my hat. Come on, are you crazy? Look at this fucking hat.” And then she’ll say, “All right. Do what you want. Do what you want.” And you buy that hat. You buy that hat. And the confidence you had in front of that mirror doesn’t even last four blocks… [audience laughing] out of the store. You walk out like: “Why’s everyone looking at my hat? Is it too big? Am I not a big enough man to wear this hat? Did I just fuck up? Was she right? Is this a shitty hat? Am I a shitty person? Why’d I buy this hat?” But now you’re in. You’ve bought the hat and you’ve gotta go home. You’re gonna have to make some decisions… around that hat. Usually the first one is something along the lines of, like: “Hey, you know, I think I’m just gonna make this a house hat. [audience laughing] I’m just gonna wear it around the house. Maybe outside, if I go outside. But you know, baby, it’s too nice. I don’t wanna lose it. Or, you know, scuff it up. I’m just gonna wear it around the house.” And she’s like: “Uh-huh.” “That’s what I’m gonna do with the hat.” And you do it. You eat breakfast in the hat. You sit on the couch, listen to records, wearing your big dumb hat. Maybe you put it on naked to get her to like it. Like, “What about now?” And she’s like, “No, no. Take it off. It’s stupid. Dumb decision.” Eventually, it starts working your brain. You’re like, “Why’d I get this hat?” That’s the day it becomes a wall hat. You’re like, “I don’t wanna throw it out. It’s so nice. I’m gonna hang it up like a picture.” And you put a nail in the wall, and you hang up your stupid nice hat. With the other artwork on the wall. It’s a wall hat. People come over, they’re like, “That’s a nice hat. You wear that?” “Not anymore. It’s too nice. Could you not touch it, please? Please, don’t put it on. Just leave it by the… Just put it back. Thank you.” It stays up on the wall, until one day you realize… Maybe in the middle of a bowl of cereal… You’re like, “Why is that up there? That was a mistake. That was a shitty decision. That’s a little shame gallery. Why do I have to be reminded that I bought that dumb fucking hat every day when I sit at this table? Fuck that hat.” That’s the day it becomes a closet hat. That’s officially closet hat day. And it can stay in there for a long time. Years, even. And then one day, you’re cleaning out that closet, all the hate for the hat comes back. You’re like, “Aw, fuck this hat. Goddamn it. I thought I got rid of this.” And that’s the day it becomes a Goodwill hat. And three days after it becomes a Goodwill hat, a hipster guy walks into Goodwill. And he sees the hat, he’s like, “Holy shit. That’s a nice hat. That’s a $100.00 hat. Six bucks? Hell yeah.” And he puts it on his head, and it looks like they’ve been together for centuries. Perfect symbiosis, on a soul level. Everything makes sense. Two things have been brought together to make a whole. And he buys that hat, and he leaves a happy man. And then somewhere along his route, there’s an old guy across the street looking at him going, “I gotta get a fucking hat.” [audience laughing] [audience cheering] And that… That is how the hat companies stay in business.
Wow, I think I just wrote a children’s book. [audience laughing] “The Hat” by Marc Maron. This is my favorite book my mom got me. It’s about a stupid, silly, sad man who wants a hat. He’s in the store, and he wants to get a hat. But she doesn’t want him to. She doesn’t even really like him. But he gets the hat anyways, ’cause this man is a stupid, silly, sad man. And then he leaves the store, and he keeps getting smaller, and smaller, and smaller. Until it’s just a hat on the ground. [audience laughing] And then he just shows up at home. I don’t even know how that happened. He’s so silly. And then he says: ‘I’m just gonna wear the hat in the house.’ Then why did you buy it, stupid? [audience laughing] So, he’s just wearing it in the house now. He wears it eating cereal. He wears it on the couch. He wears it outside. He wears it in a tree. And then… Then he wears it naked. He’s naked in just a hat. And she still doesn’t like him. She hates him, I think. And then he decides he doesn’t like the hat anymore. But he’s going to hang it on the wall? Like a picture? He’s so stupid, and sad and silly. He hangs it on the wall. His friends come over. He says, ‘Don’t touch my hat. Don’t put it on. Take the hat off.’ He’s getting mean, the stupid, silly, sad man. Then one day he’s sitting at the table looking at the hat, and he’s like: ‘I don’t like that hat.’ And then he puts it in a closet. And that’s where the magic shoes are, from the other book. That’s his other book. [audience laughing] So, it stays in the closet for a long time, ’cause he gets a cat, and then the cat gets old. And then the cat goes away, and then he gets another cat. And then he decides to clean the closet. And he sees the hat, and he’s mad at it again. He’s like, ‘I hate this hat.’ And then he brings it to another store. But it’s a sad store. [audience laughing] All the other things in the store are crying. [audience laughing] There are machines that don’t even mean anything anymore, and they’re crying in the store. But my grandma told me this one’s a toaster oven. [audience laughing] Crying toaster oven. The hat loses all its color. It’s sad. But then the man with the curly mustache comes in. And he sees the hat, and he’s so excited. And it gets its color back. And then he puts the hat on, and they’re perfect together. They both turn a nice color. The book has a lot of colors. And then… he buys it, and he leaves, and it’s sunshine out. And it’s so nice, and he’s so happy. And then there’s another man and he wants a hat. And it’s going to start all over with that man. And then the man with the mustache flies away with his mustache. I love this book. The Hat by Marc Maron. [audience cheering]
Okay. Let’s get down to it. So, what’s going on with me? I’m dating a painter, and it’s going well. [audience cheering] She’s, like, a real painter. Abstract painter. Big canvases. Big colorful canvases. It’s so nice to go out with somebody who… I… No part of me thinks like: “I could do that.” Like, no part of me. It’s a very healthy thing to not have that in a relationship. But she does these amazing paintings, and I’m in awe of her. She’s just this little, you know, woman who, like, doesn’t talk a whole lot. And I don’t know where it comes from. Just huge, beautiful, abstract canvases. I’ll have a day, I’ll go by her studio, and I’ll look at them like: “Holy shit, where does that come from? That’s fucking amazing, baby.” She’s like, “Oh, thanks, baby.” And then she goes, “Well, what did you do today? What’d you do today?” I’m like… [audience laughing] [audience cheering] It says… It says, “We will all be immortalized as content.” [audience laughing] It’s pretty good, right? I almost killed a kid. [audience laughing] But it’s going good. And I don’t know. It’s weird, because, like, sometimes I don’t know the point of a relationship. She knows that I feel that way sometimes. Because, look, I’m, you know, twice divorced. Got no kids. I own my house. I don’t need to be married again. I don’t need to live with anybody. I don’t need kids. I just wanna do whatever the fuck I wanna do. And that’s not a great dating profile. – Um… – [audience laughing] But she’s hanging in there. You know, we’re doing okay. But I don’t always know what the point of a relationship is. And I ask people, like, “What’s the point? What’s the point of a relationship?” And they say things like, “You don’t wanna be alone.” And I’m like, “I don’t know. What’s so bad about being alone? You just nap more, you know? The hours between, like, 5 and 7 p.m. are rough ’cause that’s when you’re just sitting there thinking: ‘Other people have other people. And they’re probably eating dinner together right now.'” And that’s when you pull up Clomper porn, and… [audience laughing] jerk off and nap. And then you wake up and it’s dark out. And you’re like: “It’s like a whole different day. I’m gonna play guitar.” And then people say, “Well, you don’t wanna get old alone.” [groans] And I’m like, “You’re not really selling me.” And then it always comes down to this one, “But you don’t wanna die alone.” Ooh. And my first thought is always like, “We’ll get a fucking nurse.” Like… Seriously. We’ll get a nice Jamaican lady. I mean… Who would you rather have at your deathbed? Someone who loves you just like, “Oh, my God! This is so awful. It’s so sad. I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. It’s so sad.” Or just a woman looking at you going, [in Jamaican accent] “It’s okay, baby. [audience laughing] It’s okay. Let go, baby. Let go.” [audience cheering] [in normal voice] See, I could’ve ended there, right? That felt like a good ending. Applause. I could’ve gotten right up, bowed, waved. “Thank you.” But no, I’m still sitting here like an idiot. [audience laughing] Because I think it’s cynical. I think it’s a little cynical. And I’ve gotta live with this thing for the rest of my life. Whatever I do on this thing. And I don’t wanna leave it that cynical. I got a kitten. [audience cheering] And I say kitten like that. I don’t know when I decided to do that, but I’m committed. I say “kitten.” I don’t know why, but I choose to do it. So, I got a kitten. I did not want the kitten. I did not want it. And neither did my two older retired cats. They did not want the kitten. We were fine, the three of us. Just hanging out comfortably. Monkey on the chair laying there, Lafonda laying over here. Me sitting there just looking at them like, “Everything good?” They’re like, “Yeah, we’re good.” “You want to play?” “Nope. That shit’s behind us. [audience laughing] Don’t even think about picking up that laser pointer. Don’t make us chase a lie for 15 minutes. We’re onto the red dot, man. We’re onto it.” They didn’t want a kitten. They did not want a kitten. But I came home one night after working. Doing comedy. I lock up the house, I turn out the lights, I’m about to go to bed. And out on the front porch I hear: [meowing] And I’m like, “What?” And I go pull the curtain back, and there’s this little two-month-old black kitten sitting there. Aw… That’s the proper response. That is not the response I had. My response was, “Oh, fuck. [audience laughing] Now I gotta fucking love you now?” And oddly, that’s how all my relationships start. [audience laughing] [audience cheering] But I don’t… Why my house? Why my house? Why? I live way out east in L.A. County. I’m up in the hills. There’s coyotes, there’s skunks, raccoons, possums, cars. I saw no pregnant cats. I saw no other kittens. I don’t know where it came from. Why my house? And when I’m confounded, I’ll go mystical. So… It went from, “Why my house?” to, “Who is that?” Which one of my dead friends that I didn’t have closure with has come back in this form… to make things right? And that is one thing that that kitten did not anticipate, was being brought into a human man’s house, be held tightly, and have the human man say: “Who are you? Who are you? Who are you?” I got no answer. ‘Cause it’s a cat. But he fucked up my couch inside a week. Destroyed an arm of the couch inside a week. So, I’m pretty sure it’s Dave. [audience laughing] Dave died many years ago. There was some undone shit between us. And I didn’t think I’d see him again, ’cause he was dead. But now he’s living with me in the form of a black kitten I call Buster. It’s nice to be hanging out with Dave again, you know what I mean? We went to high school together, and we kind of reminisce about high school. It’s mostly me talking, you know? And he just plays with a fake mouse. And… I’m like, “Remember that time we got drunk and saw Van Halen?” He’s like: [audience laughing] I’m like, “I knew you did, man. That was a good time.” Old cats, not happy. Monkey, not happy. Kitten’s pouncing on him constantly. Pouncing on him. So, every time I look at Monkey, he’s like, “Why? Why? Goddamn it. Why, Marc? I don’t get it… Goddamn it. I didn’t need this shit. I don’t know how much time I have left.” [audience laughing] Thank you very much. [audience cheering] Thank you. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. Great crowd. Real honor. I love you guys. Thank you very much. [♪♪♪] [Marc] All right, that’s good.