Marc Maron: End Times Fun (2020) – Full Transcript

Maron spends most of the special thinking about the apocalypse, and after teasing smaller stories about the end of the world, he launches into a final lengthy, raunchy, grim, hallucinatory image of the actual end of days.

[audience chattering indistinctly]

[man] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Marc Maron.

[audience cheering] [cheering continues]

Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for coming out. Nice to see you.

[audience quietens]

Okay. All right. [sighs] I’m happy you came, I really am. I don’t know how to– I don’t know how to accept the love. I don’t know how to accept it, but I’m gonna try. So, I got this weird thing in my head. I’m sort of a mid-level celebrity. That’s how I see myself, mid-level. Not complaining, but I know where I’m at. I could be walking down the street and three dudes could be walking towards me, and one of them will be like, “Holy fuck, Marc Maron!” And the other two are like, “No, I don’t know that guy.” Now, look, I’m happy the one guy likes me, but what I’ve learned over time is that I don’t really have to stand there while he tries to explain who I am… to his friends. That’s not a great few minutes for me. Not great… when I’m standing there and he’s saying, “You don’t know anything this guy’s done? How is that even fucking possible? I mean… he’s been doing it, like, 35 years. Right, Maron?” “Yeah, yeah, about 35… It’s been 35.” “You know, like, you never listened to his CDs, or the podcast, or his own show, or Glow, or the specials, or nothing?” And the guys are like, “No, we don’t fucking know this guy!” And that’s when I’m like, “I’m gonna go, I think. I think I’m gonna… walk away from this, ’cause I didn’t, uh, work 35 years for this feeling. Not great. And your friends are kind of assholes, am I right?” The guy’s like, “Yeah, they are, but they’re my bros. But look, man. I don’t have to hang out with them, I can hang out with you, Marc Maron.” That’s when I’m like, “I don’t fucking know you, or the people you’re with.” But you know, we hung out, the three of us… spent a little time together. I showed his friends some stuff on my phone of me doing stuff and I think they’re on board. I think I– I pulled ’em in. I got a couple of newbies. Did a little mission– What do you call… Missionary work is what I did.

I just don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I don’t– Here’s– It’s my job to– to think of funny things, to sit around and think of funny things, and a few weeks ago, I was sitting on my couch and I realized, like, “I just don’t know.” And then it went from there to, like, “What do I know, actually? What do I…” And then it went from there to like, “Do I really know anything? Like, how much do I really know?” And you gotta be careful with this type of rabbit hole within your own brain, because it can go quickly to, like, “Do I even exist?” Which is sort of sophomoric. But usually at that moment, I always look at my cat Monkey and I go, “Well, Monkey’s there, and he’s looking at me, so I’m here.” So, Monkey’s always the philosophy killer. I can always rely on him for that. #

But if you really think about what you really actually know, it’s only a few things, like seven things, maybe everybody knows. The rest are just patterns you call a life. And… If you actually made a column of things you’re pretty sure you know for sure, and then made another column of how you know those things, most of that column is like, “Some guy told me.” You know, it’s not sourced material, it’s just– it’s clickbait and hearsay, that’s all. Goes into the head, locks onto a feeling, you’re like, “That sounds good. I’m gonna tell other people that.” And that’s how brand marketing works, and also fascism, we’re finding.

So… What is the point? The point is… Like somebody, like, I don’t know… Look, I take vitamins. All right? I take ’em. I take ’em every day. I take vitamin B, vitamin C, vitamin D, and every day they’re in my hand, I look at them and in my heart, I think, “These don’t fucking do anything.” There’s no way they do anything. I know they don’t do anything. But other part of me believes that they do. You can actually believe something that you know is bullshit. It’s a problem. So now, man, I take ’em every day, because, you know, I’m afraid to die and I think it’s gonna give me a leg-up. That’s why everybody takes ’em, right? It’s gotten to the point where if I don’t take them, I’ve actually driven back to my house to take vitamins I know don’t fucking do anything, because I believe that might be the day I get whatever it’s gonna be that I get. Do you understand? All right.

I think the deeper point here is you never know when someone’s gonna dump some shit into your head that’s gonna ruin your life, or at least change it, for months, or just cause you trouble. And it could be just in passing, somebody just drops shit into your head, and you have to deal with it. Like, you could just be having a day, and somebody maybe you know or don’t know that well goes, “Are you taking turmeric?” “What?” “Turmeric, are you taking it?” “Turmeric?” “Yeah, you gotta take that shit.” “Turmeric?” “Yup.” “The spice?” “Yeah, you gotta take it.” “Turmeric, the spice.” “Yeah, man, you gotta take that.” “The– The spice that you buy once to make an Indian recipe… and you never use it again, and it stains your wooden spoon, that turmeric?” “Yeah, you got to take that shit.” “I do?” “Yep.” “For what?” “Inflammation.” “Of what?” “Just general. General… General inflammation.” “What is– What is that?” “It’s the new bad thing that causes all the other bad things.” “What happened to cholesterol?” “No, turns out that’s good for you.” “What? When did that happen? Turmeric, huh? Who told you about this?” “My trainer.” “All right, so the guy who wanted to do something else with his life… saw something online, told you, and now you’re dumping it into my head, now I gotta worry about whether I’m gonna take turmeric or not?”

And I apologize, I know it’s a little condescending to trainers and some people get a little weird about that. I don’t know why. Is that a surprise? Most trainers, wasn’t their life goal, all right? They– They had other plans… the team didn’t work out, they didn’t make the team. They were at the gym a lot anyways. Whatever. Just wasn’t the big plan for them, all right? They– They ended up there. And they can take this criticism. Just– I’m just calling a fact a fact. I’m not gonna make fun of yoga instructors ’cause that’s different. That’s sort of the last stop for them. You know, like… You wanna be nice to them, you don’t know how they got there, it’s probably a harrowing tale, but, you know, you’re kind of grateful they made it to wherever they are, and you know that you being in their class is as important to them as they are to you. Like, if it doesn’t work out for the trainer, he’s gonna figure out something else to do. The yoga instructor, we really don’t know where that goes. You know, back to the turmeric guy, as he’s walking away, he’s like, “Oh, yeah, if you’re gonna get the turmeric, make sure you get it with black pepper in it or it won’t activate.” Now, right there, doesn’t that make you go, “That sounds like bullshit to me a little bit”? Am I that big of a sucker that you think I would believe that? Where’s the science on that? That sounds like a couple of vitamin hustlers sitting over a mound of wholesale turmeric with a bunch of empty gel caps, one guy going, “I don’t know, man. I don’t think we can move this just like this. It’s just a spice. I think we gotta… We gotta add something.” “Yeah, like what, boss?” I don’t know why it’s a ’30s movie. “I don’t know, maybe another spice?” “Yeah, like what? Maybe pepper?” “Yeah, keep talkin’.” “Maybe– Maybe we say it activates it?” “Holy shit! That’s a fucking million-dollar idea right there. Let’s load up these gel caps. Maybe Rogan will move ’em on his podcast.

I mean, I know Maron won’t do it, he’s more of a, Squarespace guy… but Rogan’s sort of an old school supplement slinger.” And I know I’m gonna get a little flak for that comment. I know there might be a minor pile-on on Twitter of the monoculture of free thinkers, but I can take it.

So I guess, after all is said and done, I should just say that, like, I’m taking turmeric and, um… I feel less inflamed, you know? In a… in a general way. Generally less inflamed. I’m gonna believe that. I believe that. It’s funny what we believe in. You know, it’s kind of ridiculous sort of all kind of magical thinking, ’cause we’re all frightened. But there’s one thing that is kind of baffling to me. You know, we all take vitamins, yet there’s a vocal but small minority of people in this country that refuse to vaccinate their children. They refuse to vaccinate their children because the jury’s still out, I think, on the vaccines. Is it, though? Jury’s out on vaccines? How many friends do you have with polio? A lot of polio people… in the family in iron lungs? Got a lot of people you know in iron lungs? Did you ever get over that whooping cough you had? How’s that kid with mumps of yours? Is that kid all right, you fucking moron? And they’re always like, “The measles isn’t a big deal.” Yes, it is! They were– It was gone! There were no measles! They’re like, “Everyone knows you can knock out the measles with a high dose of vitamin A.” What? No. I mean, if you add a little bit of black pepper, I think maybe… you got a shot at knocking out the measles.

I don’t know what’s happening, people. I don’t know. But it’s pretty clear the world is ending. I don’t want to shock anybody. Seems to be happening, though. I thought we’d get out. I thought we’d make it under the wire. I thought I would, you know. I’m 56, but I don’t know, I think we might see it. I think we might see it. Certainly it’s been ending environmentally for a long time. We’ve all kind of known it, we knew it, but I think on a deeper level, the reason we’re not more upset about the world ending environmentally is I think all of us, in our hearts… really know that we did everything we could. You know, we really… Right? I mean, we really did. I mean, think about it, we– you know, we… [inhales sharply] We brought our own bags… to the supermarket. Yeah, that’s about it. -Like, we brought– We brought the bags. -[audience cheers] Right when they told us, we brought ’em, and it just wasn’t enough, it turns out. Just not enough… to, you know, get us over the top with this. But I don’t know, maybe this straw thing, the no straw thing… will, you know, maybe that’ll do it. Maybe that’ll keep the polar bears from drowning. Sometimes the answer is right between your mouth and your soda, you know? And you just take that out of the equation, and… the human species survives. You know what I mean? It’s gonna be a tough transition for a lot of people. You know to, like, “Oh, fuck, I guess we gotta drink like grown-ups now. It’s bullshit, man, no straws. Fuck this. Goddamn liberals fuck everything up.” And that is the tone and depth of many of their arguments.

Look, I have to be honest with you, Trump is probably the most horrible human that ever lived in any capacity doing anything. [audience cheering] And I… Not a political statement. That is, uh, observational. Completely observational. No matter what he would do. If he was doing another job, he would be the same asshole. Like, if he was working on a car lot and you went onto that lot to buy a new car and he came walking towards you, innately, you’d be like, “No, not that guy. Not… I don’t feel comfortable with that guy. There’s something off. Not right. It’s not right.”

And I don’t know, man. It’s, like, a lot of people still ask that question, like, “How did this happen? Why… [chuckles] How did– How did he get elected?” Now, I don’t want to be condescending. I think most of you are like-minded people, I don’t think there’s a lot of Trump supporters in here. If there are, it’s not your night, but… But, uh… But I think there is a question among people that aren’t Trump people that’s sort of like, “How did this happen?” Well, I had to ask myself that and I’ll ask you. So, during the Obama years, were you pretty politically active? Yeah, exactly. So, like… If you ask most people, “What did you do during the Obama years?” It’d be something like, “Well, I worked on me. I did a lot of work on my– on myself. You know, I was very mindful. There was a lot of hope then. Did a lot of yoga. A lot of yoga. Got my core tight. And I think that was good. I think that’s good.” They were chipping away at state and local governments for 30 years, but your Downward Dog is solid? That’s great. That’s terrific. Good for you. So I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I don’t even know if he’s gonna leave if he gets voted out. What if he doesn’t fucking leave? I know most of you have thought that because now it could happen because we don’t know how government really works anymore. We used to think there was rules and stuff, but clearly none that weren’t bendable or completely eradicate-able. Is that a word? There doesn’t seem to be any rules. There’s all these norms which are basically just, “You’re gonna do the right thing, right?” “Yeah, no problem, don’t worry.” What is that? How do you enforce that? What if he doesn’t fucking leave? Oh, my God. But worse yet, what if he gets elected again? Oh, man. I hope the voting works in our favor. But I was onstage and I asked that question. I said, “What if he doesn’t leave?” And a woman somewhere in the goes, uh, “There’d be anarchy in the streets!” I was thinking like, “In this country? I don’t think so.” I think what would happen is three days into him not leaving, people would be like, “Is he still there? This is so weird. It’s so weird.” “I know, it’s fucked up and weird.” “Totally fucked up and weird.” “Is he just gonna stay there?” “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s gonna happen.” “Well, what do we do?” “I don’t know.” “Do we even go to yoga anymore?” “Oh, we have to go to yoga. Like, now more than ever we have to go… because that energy is important out in the world. And the instructor Chelsea will be sad if we don’t go and I’m worried about her.”

[scattered applause]

Oh, thank you.

[applause and cheers]

Look, I don’t really know– I don’t know how it all– [chuckles] I don’t know– Obviously none of us do, and you’re just trying to, you know, get through it. I hate when people go, “Don’t normalize this presidency.” I don’t think anybody is really normalizing it, but we’re just trying to deal. I mean, what’s the alternative? To walk around going, “Oh, my God! What the fuck is happening?! Every day, I’m terrified! This is fucking crazy!” I mean, you can’t do that. Many people have jobs, they have things to do, they have to function in the world. You don’t want to be the crying guy at work. “What’s the matter with him?” “It’s that Trump thing.” It hasn’t stopped for almost two years now.” [sobbing] “I don’t know!” [chuckles]

How do you get through it, you know? You gotta have some hope, I guess. I don’t know… Uh, you know, spiritual? You spiritual? You practical? What do you do? I don’t know who I’m asking, I don’t know who I’m expecting to answer. I myself… Look, I’m a Jew, for… You know, whatever that means. I mean, there’s a broad spectrum of that and generally… You know, I don’t know if I was ever taught to use God. How to use God… You know, we were told he was there, but most of what you learn as a middle-class American Jew is that you’re better than other people and… you should say you’re a Jew out loud occasionally, sometimes out of context. Like, those– those are the basic rules. And we are better than other people. I’m sorry, I know that’s… why we’re so contemptible to some of you, but yeah, that’s true. And you just kind of say you’re a Jew, like, maybe at dinner someone says something and you say, like, “Well, I’m a Jew.” And it doesn’t make sense to anybody, really. The one other Jew there kinda knows that you’re taking the hit, like, “You’re the target now and, uh… but I’m glad you did your part today.”

But I don’t know, you know, the Jesus thing, that’s different. You know, that’s kind of dug in. Right? If you got the Jesus put in you early on, it’s usually terrified into you by terrified parents and you’re taken some place once a week and he scares you, uh, at the very least. Uh… [chuckles] That– That’s the best thing that can happen, is… just the basic fear. The God fear is good. Leave it at that. And that kind of sticks in there. It sticks in a little deeper, you know, so I’m not judging, you know, your– your faith. Do whatever you gotta do to get by, right? Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Yahweh. The Marvel Universe, I think, works for some people. It’s a very popular belief system. They claim that it isn’t, but I think it kinda is, ’cause I’ve poked at the Marvel Universe fans, and they react like religious fanatics. They– And it’s dug in there pretty deep. They’ll… They will claim, the grown male nerd-children, will claim… that it’s just entertainment and why do I gotta be some sort of buzzkill? Why am I bullying them? Well, quite frankly, I think at this point, nerd culture, I’m punching up, all right? They’re no longer, you know, the huddled weirdos. They– They now sort of run the cultural apparatus. And I’m not– like, I’m not saying… Yeah, I am saying it’s a shitty thing, but what I’m saying… is I think it’s a belief system and I don’t think they’re willing to admit that. There’s a couple of bubbles, you know? You got the Fox News bubble, which is evil and malignant. You’ve got the broader Christianity bubble, which can go either way. And then you’ve got, you know, the Marvel Universe bubble, which is culturally malignant, but not as evil as Fox, but it’s troubling. It’s troubling for a couple reasons, one of them, culturally, is being, like, if you’re a grown-up, who doesn’t feel like they need or want to see those movies, you kind of feel bullied into going, and you have to literally resist. Like, I’m not going to go. Because you know people that are like, “Maybe it’ll be fun.” Don’t go, don’t do it. Don’t give in. You’re a grown-up and you don’t know what it’ll do to your brain. Brains are very soft, they’re a lot softer than we assume. There’s a lot of people that are, you know, allowing themselves to become stupid and they don’t even know it, and it’s sad when you’re their friend. So…

But, like, for grown-up movies, the studios put so much money into those Marvel movies and it kinda pushes the grown-up movies into your home, which is fine, but sometimes you want to see a movie like a movie with an audience, not just with your cat, in my case. So… You know, sometimes because of Marvel movies, you have to drive 25, 30 miles to a smaller theater to see a good, adult independent film with other human beings, like-minded people, where you all get to leave at the end, confused by the ending. And you can overhear other people saying things like, “Did he die at the end, or he didn’t? Why is that not clear?” “I think the director wants us to be having this conversation.” “Well, I don’t like it. Why can’t we know whether he died or not? It seems important to the movie.” “Well, see, it clearly had an effect on you.” “Is this the effect you want, though?”

But Marvel movies… See, the reason I think it’s a belief system is most– some of these guys are my age, the fans of Marvel movies, and they’ve been reading, like, Marvel comic books since they were, like, nine. Like, four to ten titles a month for, like, what? Forty years? I mean, come on, like, those of you who read the Bible when you were a kid, you got away from it, probably. You know, you lapsed a little bit. You don’t read the Bible now unless you find a lump in your armpit or something. You know, but it sort of got away from you. These guys still read four to ten titles a month and you’re gonna tell me that doesn’t run deeper than just entertainment? Come on, there is a lot of grown male nerd-children that, when their life gets scary and existential and fucked up, you know, they bow down and go, “Oh, Endgame will be out soon!” You know, they’re going, “When is the next one coming?”

And I think they believe it deeper than you’re assuming they believe it. And I think it’s fine. You know, Jesus, Iron Man. Does it matter, really? These are… These are good stories. They’re good stories. Good and evil, redemption. And oddly, you know, both of them could come back, like… Iron Man died at the end of the last movie, but it’s possible that he could come back. I think a lot of grown male nerd-children are hanging onto hope and they kinda know, like, “He’ll be back.” And Jesus, of course, is prophesized, so… You know, we’re on the precipice of two resurrections, folks.

I think it should be noticed or recognized that both the story of Jesus and the Marvel Universe created in Jewish writer rooms. Um… [cheering] A couple… couple thousand years apart, but, you know, it comes from that amazing, creative imagination that Jews have. Because of how great they are. The reason I’m doing this is I just want to know that there’s a few people in the room here, no matter how progressive you may think you are, that are going like, “We get it, you’re a Jew.” Like, I just want to know that I’m causing that to happen. Because I believe that most people are anti-Semitic… given the option. I’m not… I’m not saying they’re walking around saying, “Fuck the Jews, they’re terrible,” but it doesn’t take much baiting, you know, like, “Hey, you know, the Jewish guy stuff–” “You know, you’re right, fuck them.” Like, it’s just– It’s right there. And I think that I’m trying to find it in you so you see it in yourself.

But I know you’re asking, “Why are Jews so amazing? Where does that creativity come from?” And I’ll do a quick impression of Jewish creativity for you right now. This is my impression of Jewish creativity. “Keep making shit up that they like so they don’t kill us!” That’s– It’s a deep place. It comes from a deep place. [audience cheering] Yeah. The more modern version of that in the comic book era was like, “I didn’t flee Poland for them to kill us! Keep making up superheroes!” Similar. Similar thing.

Am I right? I don’t really know. I don’t know what… [chuckles] I don’t know… Here’s the weird thing about being a Jew. You know, I’m not religious, but I am prone to prophecy. Um, and I don’t mean that in an arrogant way. I’m not saying I’m a prophet, but if I’m terrified, I’ll go mystical, you know? I mean, I don’t mind. I’ll do it. And sometimes it doesn’t make sense. It makes sense to me, but, like, I’ll give you an example. [inhales sharply] Like, I was hiking and, um… This wasn’t too long ago, and I’m looking at the ground, I realized, “Wow, a lot more lizards now.” I don’t know what that means, but… like, I think it’s deep. I think that Trump has opened the lizard portal and I… think you should share that. Why can’t that be a little thing of information that you spread around a little bit? Just walk up to somebody, like, say, “Maron said the lizard portal’s open.” And people will be like, “What the fuck are you talking about?” And you’re like, “I don’t know, but it sounds scary. Sounds real. Sounds like it’s happening.” “The lizard portal?” “Yup, the lizard portal is open. Saw a coyote out during the day. That’s not right, they’re nighttime monsters. You gonna tell me the lizard portal isn’t open, it is, and day coyotes are among us, and you’re gonna say that’s not a fucking problem? That’s not a harbinger of what’s happening?”

Our state is on fire right now. It’s on fire all the time. Every year, California is on fire to the point where it’s just the way it is. Two weeks ago, my friend Lynn said, “Aren’t the fires a little late this year?” How is that something you say… like it’s a season? It kinda is a season. Once a year, if you live in California, you’re like, “Ah, fuck, there are ants and shit’s burning. Must be summer.” So they are late this year. And it’s crazy, man. We just kinda live with it and they’re worse and worse, and, you know, like, you get those panicky calls from friends and relatives on the East Coast. Like, my mother will call from Florida. “Hi, are you okay?” “Yeah. What are you talking about?” “The fires.” “Oh, shit, yeah. They’re not by me. Um…” [audience cheering] “Did– Did they… Did they say where they are on the news where you are? Where? Oh, shit, that is kinda by me. Hold on a second, I’m gonna take a look out my front door here. Oh, shit, Ma. I gotta call you back, I… I can see the fires. They’re, like, right here. Yeah, I gotta call you back, I gotta get a selfie with these fires. Fire’s getting close. Hashtag ouchie. Hashtag end times. Hashtag Los Angeles 2019!”

[audience cheering]

It’s happening. I don’t know what it’s gonna take to get everybody, you know, to… Like, you would think at this point that we’d… Like, haven’t we been entertained enough? Weird thing for me to say, but Jesus. Like, isn’t there something that could bring everyone together and just realize, like, we’ve got to put a stop to, like, almost everything. Right? Oh, my God, what would it take? Something terrible. That’s what brings people together. Nothing good. Occasionally a concert outdoors. But that never really goes anywhere. [chuckles] It’s gotta be something bad and big. Get everyone to fucking snap out of this… Fuck, whatever it is, trance of like… It’s– Well, I think we do it adaptively. I think it’s sort of like, “I’m doing what I can in my life.” Well, that’s not enough. You know… [laughs] I don’t know what it’ll take. Does the sky have to catch on fire? Would that do it? If we all walked outside and went, “Oh, we fucked it. Fucking sky’s on fire. God damn it. I knew we were in trouble, but fuck, it made the jump from land to sky. This is bad.” One guy standing there, “It’s not on me, man, I brought my bags.” Some other dude in the back going, “Hannity says this is normal!” “What the fuck are you talking about?” “I watched Hannity today, he summed it up, man. He said the sky caught fire, I think, in India, 1902… Burned for three days and it rained for, like, a month. So, don’t believe the libtards’ spin on this.” “What are you talking about?” “Burning sky’s good for America.” “What does that even mean?” “A lot of jobs in a burning sky.” “That doesn’t even make sense, stupid.” “Jews set the sky on fire.” “Yeah, of course they did. I knew it would get to that.” Then some other doughy guy just standing there, maybe in his little… baseball hat going, “Come on, Iron Man. Come on, Iron Man. This is your time. I know you’re real.”

My mother is, uh, still alive and… Oof. Sorry, wrong tone. Um… I’m blessed to have my mother still with me. Better? Uh… No, you know, she’s still around. That’s good. And it– I think she’s part of it, you know, the whole end thing. It’s weird, no matter how old they get– I’m 56. You know, my mom’s still around, got all her mental things. She’s all good upstairs, physically she’s doing great, but they can, you know, they can still fuck your day up… at any age. Surprise you. Like, I got a text about a month or so ago from my mother in the middle of a nice day, all caps, “I wish we could do your childhood over.” With a little baby bottle emoji. What does that even mean? What is that? Like, I didn’t even know what that– Like, what was the tone of that? Was it– I didn’t know if she was being contrite, you know, or nostalgic, like, was… was she taking responsibility for whatever caused me to do this for a fucking living? Or– Or– was she just sort of reflecting and like, “We were friends when you were four. I don’t know if you remember that.” Either way, I responded with, “I don’t think I could handle it!” With this emoji…

But she’s part of the end, I think, she’s part of the unfolding. She’s part of the prophecy. Yeah, I’m pretty sure. I call her up and it’s– I’m like, “Hi, Mom.” She’s like, “Hi, Marc.” “How’s it going?” “Good. So glad you called. How are you?” “I’m good.” “What are you doing?” “You know, the stuff.” “That’s good.” “How about you, everything good?” “Yep.” “What have you been doing?” “We went to that restaurant that we took you to when you were here.” “The one you always go to?” “Yes. They give you too much food.” “Okay. What else is going on?”

This happened, like, a couple months ago, my mother said this out of nowhere, she goes, “I have to go, Marc. I have to go feed my iguanas.” And I said, “What?” She goes, “My iguanas, I have to feed them. I love you, bye.” My mother doesn’t have iguanas. And I thought, this is her, this is it, she’s starting to go, right? But then I thought, wait, maybe it’s, like, senior sex code. You know what I mean? Maybe there was… a couple of octogenarian men sitting on her sofa in their boxers going, “When’s this gonna happen? Is it gonna happen?” You can laugh at that. She’s my mother. She can– You don’t have to respect her. She can take the hit. She likes to be talked about. She does. When she hears that joke, all she’ll say is, “Is that necessary?”

But… [chuckles] Iguanas, man. I did a Google search on South Florida and iguanas. Yeah. Turns out there’s a massive iguana problem in South Florida. They’re all over the place. They’re out of control. They’re eating through power lines, they’re showing up in cars and homes. There’s literally iguanas fucking everywhere. So, yes, the lizard portal is open. All over the world. And on every one of those websites where I looked at the iguana issue, you know what it says? “Please do not feed… the iguanas.” But my mother has taken it upon herself… I assume she thinks she’s feeding the same few iguanas every day out behind her house, like they’re her friends. She’s just down there going, like, “Look, this is some food from the restaurant we took my son to when he was here. They give you so much food, I hope you enjoy it. Look at your tongue. Look at the tongue! Look at the tongue.” Now, if that isn’t written somewhere in the prophetic books… “When the aging Jewish witch… feeds the dinosaurs off her deck… the return of the Christ is upon us.” I believe it’s in Revelation and I just want to say, that’s my mommy and I’m proud of her.

[audience cheering]

Yes. I’m doing what I can, people. I’m a 56-year-old man. Just trying to stay woke, you know? Yup. I am of the generation that needed waking. For sure. I think I’m about 85% woke… and the other 15 I keep to myself. Which is actually being woke. It’s putting that voice in your head that goes, “Hey, you know, don’t say that. Maybe don’t say that.” “Good call. Thanks for getting my back.” It’s a close one. I mean, look, if you were to ask me if I was a feminist, I would say, “Of course,” but you know, I have my days. Um… I mean, I’m a guy, I’m a man. I’ve been a man all my life. Before that I was a boy, and… if you’re a man, look, let’s be honest, you probably heard yourself or some other dude that you know at some point in time say this… “Fuck ’em! Fuck ’em all! Fuck women.” Now, the question is, does that guy hate women? I don’t know. Let’s break it down. This is just my experience. Let’s break it down. “So fuck all of them?” “All right, you’re right. Just the last three I dated, right? Fucking bitches.” “So just three?” “You know what? Just Michelle, really. Fucking bitch. Broke my heart, took my shit. Fuck Michelle.” “So, just one woman.” “Yeah, and it was kinda my fault.” And… I think that’s a pretty good working definition of woke: “It was kind of my fault.” And where you go from there will determine how woke you stay. But that’s the beginning of it. It could go either way, it’s a rough crossroads.

And I think one of the biggest problems men have is that they have a dick. All… Most men have dicks. If you’re a man, you don’t have a dick, I hope it was a choice and not an accident. Dicks are a problem, and I think this is sort of… the TED Talk portion of my show. I, uh– I think I’ll call it “The History of My Dick” and it’s meant to be helpful. Trying to help men be respectful, empathetic, and care in the proper way with boundaries about women. And, well, dicks are, you know… [stammers] It’s a problem, it’s an obstacle. Do you remember the first time you came? I’m putting this out there to the men. Uh… It’s a big day. It’s a life-changing day. A lot of times, it doesn’t even involve sexual thoughts, it just sort of happens for some reason, usually, like, when you’re eight or nine or ten. Like for me, it involved a bath faucet with running water, and I– I stuck my dick in it. And I was nine and I knew something was gonna happen. I wasn’t sure what it was, but it felt pretty big, and it could have been bad, it could have been good, but I stuck with it. Turned out to be fucking amazing. And, uh, a life-changer. Really a great day. And, honestly, I fucked that faucet for a year-and-a-half.

Now… Just being… I’m trying to be honest and open. I’ll get to the point of this. Then at some point, someone tells you what that feeling is. Maybe you’re a kid who has an older brother or somebody finds a porno magazine or you find your parents’ copy of The Joy of Sex hidden in a mattress and you can look at fairly realistic renditions of hippies fucking, and what’s… [chuckles] And, like, once someone informs you that that feeling comes from putting your penis into a vagina, that just fucking changes your entire neural pathway issue. And it’s sort of… all you think about… is putting your penis in a vagina… from age 13 to, like, this morning. This is truth. It’s all you fucking think about ’cause it’s amazing. Like, you know, I… I was sort of surprised when I learned about it, you know, because there was part of me that was, like, when I was told about the vagina, I was like, “Really? That’s not water.” You know, like, so, like… And it– And it honestly seemed much more complicated, which I believe to this day is true. But once you know, man, it’s all… You just want to be in the vagina. And that’s the problem, you know, especially for my generation of men, I think, because I really think that a lot of us didn’t really realize in a deep way that women had hopes or dreams or… supportive friends, family, things they wanted to do. Those were really just hurdles, you know, to… try to put it in the vagina. Just wanted to put it in the vagina. So, like… So the way I’m gonna try to help is, like, I think a lot of men have the vagina too far up front in their head still and I think that that’s not really acceptable and I think it’s at the core of a lot of disrespect. I mean… You know, if you have vagina way up front, women know now, it’s not good. It’s not– It’s not a good look. It’s not a good way to be. Like, you don’t have to hug Vicki every day at work. She knows what’s up. It’s awkward. The weird rubbing the back thing in the break room, what is that? That’s not sociable. It’s fucking creepy, you know? I would just stop it. You gotta move vagina back. ‘Cause they– Women can see it now. Vagina is right there, it’s, you know… it’s disrespectful, it’s insensitive. Move it back a few. Maybe, you know, three to five spaces… in your brain. Just move it back, you know. Maybe three. Maybe, like, I don’t know… It just, like… “Hey, how’s it going? Are you okay? Vagina.”

You know, like, maybe… Maybe three is good. I don’t know, I’m just trying to help out. Three to five, I think. Fill that other– Fill the gap with niceness and, you know, empathy. It’s hard for men to empathize for women ’cause we’re not women, and we have to, you know, listen, and just– you can do it. You can do it. But don’t be overly crazy. You know, like, I’ve actually found myself occasionally asking for consent to my masturbation fantasies, which I think is too much. Where I’m literally like, “Are you sure you want to fuck?” And she’s like, “Yeah, you’re making this up. Yeah, I want– I want to fuck.” “I’m just checking, you want to fuck?” “Yeah, I want to fuck you bad.” “Okay. I’m just checking, you know, that we’re on the same page. Weird time now, you know, and I did just see you at Whole Foods for, like, 30 seconds, so I don’t think it’s… an inappropriate question.” “Yeah, just fuck me already.” So we’re fucking and it’s going great. I’m making it up. It’s awesome. It’s fucking amazing. Totally connected, symbiotic, fucking in it, just beautiful. And in the middle of it, she just, you know, pushes me off her and says, “Get off of me, you’re freaking me out.” I’m like, “What’s happening?” She’s like, “I don’t feel safe. You’re creepy now.” “Holy shit! What is happening?” And then she’s getting dressed fast, and she’s about to tweet something. I’m like, “What the fuck is happening?” Not an unreasonable question. But the deeper question is, why am I still jerking off to that?

You know, like, I had…

[audience cheering]

I had complete control over that fantasy, and it got away from me because of my own fear, and I finished by myself jerking off to me jerking off crying… that my career would be ruined. So, I’m just saying, you know, don’t get– Don’t, you know, go crazy. You know, just be nice. You know? That’s the message. Look, you guys, I… I’ll share some other tips with you. Um… Like, you know, I was talking about being terrified all the time, and I think a lot of us are and I don’t know, getting through it is tricky, like I said before, but I also apply, uh, some intentional OCD. Like, in lieu of spirituality, I think OCD functions pretty well. Like, if… Like, if you have a few things you do compulsively over and over again. Yeah, that’ll get you through the day. That’ll fill the God hole. It’s okay. It gets a little dicey that half-hour before you fall asleep, but, you know, just… You know what to do. Right? You know… Whatever. Either way. Either way. However you do it, you know. I don’t want to be gender-specific. [murmurs coyly] You know? That’s how you fill that last half-hour. [imitates vibrator buzzing] Whatever you gotta do. It’s a gift. It’s a gift. But, yeah– But I’ll do compulsive shit. If a news day is really bad and I’m freaking out, I will do chores that are unnecessary. Like, a couple months ago, I went through my box of wires. I went through my entire box of wires. Everybody who’s been buying equipment for the last 20 years, you got a pretty good bag or box of cables, chargers and whatnot going, right? Like, I went through– because every piece of equipment you buy comes with that one wire where you’re like, “What the fuck does this one even do? Does this even go to this machine? I don’t know. It’s all wrapped and it’s got a twisty on it. Better save it. Maybe I’ll know what it does later. I might need it.” Right? I went through that entire box. It took me, like, an hour and a half, did not think about the end of the world during that time. And, honestly, I did not throw one of those things away. I didn’t throw… I had the exact same experience with every one of those wires I had when I got it in the first place. “Oh, yeah, this one. Still don’t know what it does, but it’s still wrapped, it’s got a twisty on it. Maybe the mystery is yet to be revealed. I’m gonna save that one.” And now I’m pretty happy that I did because I don’t know what’s gonna happen on the last day of the planet Earth when the sky is on fire. Maybe some guy will come running up my driveway in a frenzy holding a piece of equipment saying, “Hey, man! If I had a charger for this, I could save both of us right now! Right now!” And I could be like, “Holy shit. Might be our lucky day. Let’s go look in the box, bro. And who would have thunk a Palm Pilot would be our ticket out of this mess? -‘Cause…” -[audience applauds] “…not only do I have a charger, I think I’ve got an extra stylus. Would the– Would the stylus help us in our journey?”

For you younger people, a Palm Pilot was… one of the first pieces of handheld technology with a screen on it. An interactive screen it had. Like, pretend like I’m showing you. And there was no wi-fi or cell phone, and you could write on the screen with a stylus, like a little pen, and I believe, if I’m not remembering incorrectly, that you had to write in Palm Pilot shorthand, which was enough for me to stop using it after three days. “Oh, I gotta learn a thing? Not for me.” So… [chuckles] But nonetheless, it was one of the first pieces of handheld technology. Sort of a futile thing. It had this weird feature where it could communicate with other Palm Pilots, but we never knew why and you always felt kind of stupid doing it, but you would have to do it if you knew somebody with a Palm Pilot: “Do you want to do the thing?” “Is it doing it?” “Yep, they’re talking to each other.” “About what?” “I don’t know. Machine stuff.” “No, they’re not. It’s just a feature no one uses.” “Why you gotta ruin everything?” “Look, they’re done.” “Yay.” So… [chuckles] But the Palm Pilots went away. They became extinct. And it was just part of the evolution to the… technological clusterfuck that we find ourselves in the center of now. Just happily codependent to a bunch of smarter machines. Just gleefully enabling the singularity. Just looking forward to a day where we’ll just be the fleshy appendage of a series of smarter equipment than us. Ah, how convenient that’ll be. Too dark? I can go another way. I think most of us, if we lost our cell phone, you’re like two hours away from wandering the streets saying, “What’s my name?! Where do I live?! I have a family, but I don’t know how to get in touch with them or where they are anymore.” “Are you okay, old man? Do you need to go to the hospital?” “No, son, I’ve lost my phone.” “Would you like me to call it for you, old man?” “Yes, please. Thank you, son.” “What’s the number, old man?” “I don’t know! I don’t call myself! It’s in the phone! Oh, no. Yeah, take me to the hospital.” There was a time, folks, before cell phones and the internet. Yeah, some of you remember. I saw– I saw the audience. Back then, people had to do things like… wait. Yeah, you had to wait for stuff. And if you were actually waiting, like, in line or something, that was all you could do. [sighs wearily] [exhales] Do you feel all that space I created? That used to be around us all the time. There was all this space that was… all mental space. I mean, you had to wait to check for your messages at the end of an entire day. Like, if you couldn’t get calls at work, there was no way anyone could get in touch with you, and at the end of the day, sometimes 6:00 or 7:00 at night, you would go home, look at a machine on your kitchen counter to see if a light was blinking, and if it was, you’d actually feel a tangible jolt of excitement. “Oh, it’s a message! Someone called.” Then you’d push a button and, like, eight out of ten times, it would be… [imitates repeating dial tone] Some of you don’t even know what that sound is. Does that sound even exist in nature anymore? That was the sound on your machine if someone had hung up. Right? And if it went on long enough, you’d hear a voice go, “If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try…” What happened to that guy? I don’t know. Can’t be a good story. And then, if you got some of those, you’d spend ten minutes just wondering like, “Who called me and hung up?”

That was the kind of mental time we had back then. Like, what were we doing with all that mental space? Using our imagination, just letting our memories do what they do in their own time and pace. Like, back then, if you couldn’t remember something, that was sort of the end of it. Unless, like, you couldn’t remember something and you locked on. That was problematic ’cause what could you do then? Yeah. Not easy. Like, let’s say you’re just… driving to work. This is back in the day. Let’s go there now. [chuckles] Just driving to work, maybe listening to a cassette in your in-dash player. Through some, uh, Jensen coaxials or triaxial speakers. If you had a lot to prove, you had a power amp bolted onto the floor. Maybe you’re listening to a little Lynyrd Skynyrd Second Helping. Not a bad band, stop judging that band, solid rock band, lot of good records, amazing double live album. You’re misunderstanding that one song. Re– Listen to it again. Listen to it again. Maybe you’re listening to a little Skynyrd Second Helping, you know exactly where the tape is fucked up from that day it got stuck in the machine. That was a tough few minutes. Oh, shit, come on, man! Come on! Oh, yeah! Get it out, get the pen out, roll that cassette back up, pop it back in the deck. Now, you know. ♪ Call me the breeze– ♪ [imitates skipping tape] ♪ Baby ♪ Oh, that was that day. That was a terrible morning. So, you’re just driving to work, enjoying the music, no cell phone to distract you, no internet, maybe you’re just eating– eating some trail mix on your way to work. I actually am old enough to remember when it became okay to eat trail mix in a non-camping situation. Like, there was definitely… a period of my childhood where you only saw trail mix in the camping section at the– at the sporting goods store, and then I remember vaguely seeing a guy just eating trail mix in life… and I’m like, “Dude, can you do that?” He’s like, “What?” “To eat– Just eat trail mix… outside of a camping situation?” “Yeah, it’s just, you know, nuts and dried fruit, sometimes chocolate.” “But you’re not camping.” “Doesn’t matter. It’s just nuts and fruit, sometimes chocolate.” “So you can just eat it anytime?” “Yeah, you can eat it anytime.” Like, I kind of remember when they freed the trail mix. I don’t know… if there was a corporate push behind it or not, but I remember like, “Hey, we can just eat this anytime. It’s just, you know, nuts and dried fruit, sometimes chocolate.” So, anyways, you’re driving to work… back in the day. Maybe you’re chewing on a peanut, and all of a sudden, your brain just goes, “Aw, fuck! Who is peanut guy? We learned about him in elementary school. Peanut guy, peanut butter, peanut oil… Fucking peanut guy! He’s got, like, three names… He’s an inventor, a scientist… God damn it! Why can’t I remember peanut guy?” And that was sort of your day. Like, you did other things, like, you go to work, but every couple hours you’re like, “Fucking peanut guy!” And there was nothing you could do. I mean, you could ask a coworker. “Dude! Dude! Do you remember peanut guy? We learned about him in elementary school? Peanut butter, peanut oil, inventor, scientist, three names… I can’t fucking remember it!” “You gotta calm down. Why are you yelling?” “Do you know or not?” “I don’t have to talk to you if you’re gonna talk to me like that.” “Why don’t you go fuck yourself! Just say you don’t know and fucking piss off.” Then you go to lunch from work. Take a lunch break. Go eat a sandwich. It’s all you could do, eat the sandwich. Watch other people eating sandwiches. Just reflect on the sad tedium of self-awareness. Go back to work. “Fucking peanut guy!” Maybe call a friend from work, you’re not even supposed to use the phone, “Dude, are you there? Pick up, it’s me. Are you there? Pick up. Fuck! Where the fuck are you, man? It’s me. Do– Do you remember peanut guy? We learned about him in elementary school, peanut guy, peanut butter, peanut oil, three names, a scientist, an inventor or some shit? Fuck! I can’t fucking remember peanut guy. I’m not even supposed to be using the phone, where the fuck are you? Who the fuck was peanut guy? It’s Marc. I’m okay. Um… Call me back when you get– Call me back later. I gotta go.” Then you leave work, drive home, listen to the cassette. ♪ Sweet home– ♪ [imitates skipping tape] ♪ Alabama ♪ Happened twice. Probably should get a new tape, new deck, something. You get home. Oh, there’s messages. The machine’s beeping. I hope it’s not a hang-up. Beep! “George Washington Carver, man. It’s George Washington Carver. Dude, are you okay? I got your message and you sounded so freaked out. You sounded crazy. And I didn’t have anything to do today, so I’m at the library right now. If you need me to look up some other stuff, I mean, you just sounded really crazy, man. Are you there? Are you okay? All right, call me back.

George Washington Carver. Very interesting, I’m still reading about him. I know a lot of shit now. Hope you’re okay, buddy. Buh-bye.” And that’s sort of how you did a search back then. It was, uh… a longer process. [audience applauding] So, um, all right. I’ve got this big idea as a Jew, as a heathen Jew. As a godless Jew, I feel like I want to try to… honor my legacy and sort of create a story, like, I think that most grown-ups know that the story of Jesus is a story. It’s a biblical story, it’s not journalism. Um… And I just thought maybe it’d be nice if I could try to construct some prophecy ’cause it’s sort of my birthright as a Jewish writer of sorts. I’ll get to it, but before I do it, I just want to say, again, I don’t want to judge anyone’s beliefs, I don’t want to mock the myths that define anybody. But… [audience laughs nervously] But there is a strain of Christianity that makes me uncomfortable. Scares me, I think is the word. Uh, and– and those are evangelicals. They scare me. And I’m not punching down. I think there’s, like, 90 million evangelicals, and about 8 million Jews, and I hate to give those numbers out ’cause, yeah, it’s possible. -So… -[audience laughs] [chuckles] Nice uncomfortable laugh. That was very well handled. But evangelicals, and I’ll tell you if you’re in here, I’ll speak directly to you, ’cause this is a safe space. I’m scared. I’m a little scared. Yeah. Because I didn’t realize this until recently, and it’s logical, but I didn’t put it together in my own mind in quite the way I have now, which is that in order for Jesus to come back, the world has to end. It has to. So that means there is about 90 to 100 million people that are pretty excited about it. And that’s kind of problematic to those of us who don’t fucking believe that shit. Right? And a lot of those people are in legislative positions. And I’m sitting there thinking, like, “Wait, what’s happening?” Is there any way they’re– they’re crafting policy to accelerate the prophecy? [scattered nervous laughter] Yeah, think about that for a second. Not exactly humorous, but powerful. If you walked up to your state senator or maybe a congressman that was an evangelical, and they were honest, and you said, “I’m a little concerned about global warming. It seems like humans are causing it. We need to do something about it. It’s happening quickly.” They would say, “Not quick enough, to be honest with you. We’re trying to get the flying Jew back. We got coal going, you know, it’s happening. We’re deregulating as fast as we can. We’re gonna make this shit happen.” Problematic, correct? There’s a dovetailing of late-stage capitalism and Christian end times prophecy that’s a little fucked up, and I’m sorry, I don’t mean to put this on you, but I’m assuming that the horrendous greed monsters that don’t give a fuck about anything are just hedging their bets. They don’t believe the prophecy. In the back of their head they’re thinking, “Hey, if it turns out to be true, we still got the meek, right? They can build the domes. There’s a lot of jobs in a burning sky.”

All right. Let’s go. I’ll take another angle. What’s wrong with Mike Pence’s face? Have you looked at Vice President Mike Pence? He’s got a sort of a knot of a face, a tight little face with dead eyes floating in a big head. What’s going on with that face? I don’t know exactly, but I’m pretty sure it’s shame-based. I don’t know exactly what it is, but when I look at Mike Pence doing anything, all I see is a man standing there thinking, “Don’t think about cock. Don’t think about dicks. I don’t want a dick. I don’t want to suck a dick. I don’t want a dick in me. No dicks for Mikey. Jesus. I want Jesus. [audience applauding] Jesus died on a cock for me, and that’s who I… Oh, sorry, I did it again, Jesus. I’m sorry. Jesus is in my heart, not cock.” That’s what I think’s going on with Mike Pence’s face. I think it’s trying to retreat back into his head away from all the dicks he sees coming at him. He’s got a fairly rare condition called inverted gay face, and I believe… I really believe that if Mike Pence sucked one dick, his face would pop out, and we could all be less nervous if Trump doesn’t make it through his first term ’cause Pence is a scary Christian fascist person, and he’s probably worse. Now, I know I’ve gotten some pushback from the LGBTQ community about characterizing a homophobic, gay-hating man as being secretly gay as being wrong because it diminishes the fact that they’re dangerous human beings and they’re– they’re horrible. And I take that to heart and I hear you, but I think I’m right about Pence. Now… Let’s switch back to the story, the prophetic story, which is my hope. And you know where I’m coming from. And this is gonna hurt some people, but you can take it. It’s gonna land kinda bad. Like, it’s– it’s funny, but it’s gonna hurt going in. My hope on the last day of the planet Earth on judgment day when the sky is on fire, and… you know, everyone can’t breathe at the same time. We’re all looking at each other with the same dumb face… [hyperventilating loudly] And no one can help the other person and, you know, water is rising out of nowhere, and there’s just no filter between the sun and our skin anymore, and our flesh is just starting to burn… This is a bad day, folks. Ugly. But it’s coming. And my hope on that day, in my heart, is that Jesus doesn’t come back. Okay, look, I know it’s a small victory for us non-believers, but I think– I think it’ll be worth it… [audience applauding] I think it’ll be worth it to be standing in that water and be able to high-five the guy next to you. “I knew it, man! I knew he wasn’t coming! You owe me 20 bucks, fucker. My face is burning!”

My other hope on that day is that… somewhere… Vice President Mike Pence stands… outside, I’m hoping, and among people would be best… he’s in the water trying to breathe, hurting like the rest of us and he realizes what’s happening, and… out loud to no one in particular he just says, “Oh, I should have sucked a cock.” And then he realizes, “Hey, the water’s only so deep, I can still kinda suck some cocks!” And the vice president of the United States starts scrambling through the water trying to suck the dicks of dying guys. I mean, are they gonna argue with him? The vice president wants to blow ’em on the last day of the planet Earth? They’re like, “Hell yeah!” So he’s fucking jerking guys off, he’s sucking dicks, he’s having the best time of his life. He didn’t know it would ever happen for him and it’s happening, and it’s happening hard! Yeah! The VP’s got a dick in each hand, he’s got one in his mouth… and then Jesus comes back. [audience applauding] “I’m sorry, Jesus. I’m sorry, Jesus. Please forgive me, Jesus. Please forgive me, Jesus. I know this looks bad– [retches] I’m sorry… One sec…” [retches] [retches] [retching] “I got it! I– Oh, I’m sorry, Jesus. I’m sorry, Jesus. Please forgive me, Jesus. Please forgive me.” And Jesus is just hovering over Pence. He’s being held by Iron Man. They’re both back, man. They’re both back, baby! And Jesus looks down at Pence and he says, “I can’t do it, Mike. Can’t forgive you. I can’t. You couldn’t wait five minutes? Five minutes. I can’t forgive you.” Pence is like, “Okay, Jesus, but please can I just… Please forgive– I just wanna get into heaven, I mean… That guy gets to go? Come–” That’s how I picture the rapture happening, is people just shoot up into the air like bottle rockets, like– [makes whooshing sound] And they’re not even sure it’s gonna to be them. They’re like, “Is it–” [makes whooshing sound] “Oh!” “Just let me into heaven, Jesus.” And Jesus is like, “Mike, I can’t– Could you– Ease up. Mike, I– Look, I’m sorry, I just– I can’t– I can’t do it. I can’t let you into heaven.” Mike’s like, “Oh, God. Jesus. [sighs] Is there anything I can do… to get into heaven, Jesus?” And Jesus… pulls up his robe…

I know it’s difficult. I know, I know, I understand that. Even if you’re not a believer anymore, once it’s in there, you– you… It’s hard to see that. I’m– And I’m sorry for that. But this is what’s happening. This is a biblical story. Not any different than a Bible story. It could be a Bible story. Right? I mean, like, if this was a Renaissance painting, it would be The Test of Pence. So what happens? Iron Man’s kinda shocked. He’s just trying to help out. Well, I think you know what happens, I mean… [stammers] Mike Pence fills his mouth with Jesus cock. I mean, there’s no way he’s not gonna do that. [loud choking sound] And… And he can’t believe how amazing this day is. Like, judgment day worked out far better than anything he even assumed… could possibly happen. So he’s just blowing Jesus. [moaning] And then, something weird happens. Like, Iron Man’s sort of like, “I… You know, I’m not even sure I’m supposed to be here anymore.” And then something weird happens. The Jesus dick keeps getting bigger and bigger, like, to the point where it locks up Mike’s jaws. He’s– [wails in pain] And it’s starting to hurt him and it just blows through the back of his head and it kills him. And Iron Man’s like, “What the fuck is happening?” So he just launches into the air, and all of a sudden Jesus’s dick is huge, it’s shooting fire, and he’s swinging Pence around until his body falls off. So now he’s just got this Pence-head cock ring, you know, and he’s just spraying fire everywhere and Iron Man’s like, “Holy– What– Jesus, what is going on?” And then the robe comes off and it’s Satan! Of course it’s Satan! You guys are students of the Bible. Do you think I’m the kind of man that would just have Jesus’s dick hanging out like that? You think I would do that to you? It was Satan all along. [audience applauding] So then Iron Man realizes what’s going on, and Satan’s, you know, just– [demonic snarling] Spraying fire everywhere. So, Iron Man calls the other Avengers, they all come down, they– they kick Satan’s ass, and he goes back to hell, and then the Pence-head cock ring just falls to the Earth, and it becomes a crown of an evil guy in another story. Look, I’m not a comic book guy, I’m winging this. So… [chuckles] So, all the Avengers are there, and then the real Jesus comes down, and he just kinda comes down like Jesus is supposed to come down… and all the Avengers are like, [whispers] “Oh, yeah… It’s the real Jesus.” And Jesus says, [stammers] “Thanks for helping out. Good job… with all your superhero stuff. That was great. I appreciate it.” And Iron Man says, “We’re– We’re happy to help, Jesus.” And then it’s just awkward there for a minute. And Jesus is sort of, like… kicking around in the clouds. No, maybe they’re on the ground and he’s kicking around the dirt. [chuckles] And the Avengers are standing there and Iron Man’s looking at him. He’s like– [sighs] [stammers] “Do you want to be an Avenger? Is that what’s happening right now?” And Jesus says… “Yeah, I… I do. I think it would be good for me right now, for my brand.” And Iron Man says… “Um… Yeah, okay. All right. Can– Can you do stuff?” And Jesus says… “Fuck yeah, I can. I’m Jesus.” And then the credits roll. So… And then… [audience applauding] And then the meek leave the theaters… not completely happy, most of ’em, just sort of like, “That was bullshit, man! Endgame was so much better. I can’t believe that Iron Man came back. I mean, not yet! Not yet! And Jesus is in it now?” “Dude, I thought that was pretty cool.” “It’s not cool, man! Jesus is not a good superhero. It just isn’t. Do you guys all think that? Well, you’re all fucked up, ’cause love is not a good superpower. It’s not. It was bullshit. I mean, how– You can’t use love as a weapon.” And then, like, the oldest nerd says, “Yeah, you can.” But then he stops and says, “But it’s kinda my fault.”

Thanks a lot, you guys. [audience cheering] What a great crowd. I appreciate it. Thank you for coming out. Good night. [cheering continues] [rock music playing] [inaudible] [inaudible] [Marc] Boomer lives! [cat meows]


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