Malik Elassal: Woke Flat Earthers
Don’t Tell Comedy
Published date: November 15, 2023
Malik Elassal jokes about defying his conservative Muslim teachers to do comedy, the difficulty of flexing as a comedian, his relationship with his boundary-less mother, and creating “hate-crime-proof” hijabs. He also critiques his new-age therapist, Helen, and discusses anger, celebrity controversy (Kyrie Irving/Kanye), and his family’s Lebanese history.
* * *
Shout out to all the teachers that told me I’d never make it. I just like to repeat stuff that rappers say — that makes me feel good. But my teachers legit did not believe in me. Like, I went to a Muslim school, like I went to Islamic private school, and I told them that I wanted to do comedy. And they had never even heard of that, so they’re just like,
“No, you want people to laugh at Muslims?”
I was like, “Yeah, kind of, yeah.”
I had another teacher who was also the Imam — he was like the religious leader — and he found out that I wanted to do comedy. He took me aside in, like, a private moment and he said,
“You want to be a funny guy, huh? You think this life is funny, my friend? Funny in games when you see the power of Allah on the Day of Judgment, brother, you will not be laughing.”
And I was just like, “I’m still going to do it.” It made me want to do it even more so that I could be like all the rappers that I looked up to. You know, like, I did have teachers that did believe in me — but that’s not good for my narrative, so I like to just focus.
I was listening to a Meek Mill song one time, and in the middle of the song Meek Mill goes, “To the teachers that said I wouldn’t make it here, I spend a day what you make a year.” And I heard that, and I was like, “I’m going to flex just like that as soon as I get on.”
And then I became a comedian. And it’s good — a little hard to flex though, to be honest with you. Like, what could I even say to the teachers that said I wouldn’t make it here? “I’ll make a year what you make a year”? Like, that doesn’t sound as good.
“You didn’t believe in me — and now we’re roommates, dumbass. Good job.”
Yeah, he told me I was going to starve in front of the whole class. I remember he said, “You want to be a comedian? You’re going to be very hungry, my friend.”
And I wish he could see me now. I’d be like, “Bro, I’ve never been hungry a single day of my life, ’cause I still live with my parents, asshole. Did you think about that? No, you didn’t. I’m never hungry — my mom cuts me fruit all the time, and then she brings it into my room, ’cause she has zero boundaries. She just walks right in.”
My mom’s sick, man. She’s a, you know, she’s a Muslim woman — she wears a hijab. I don’t look very Muslim, like, just off look, so nobody ever bothers me about it. You know, she wears a hijab, she looks Muslim all the time.
One time she told me a story — yeah, it’s like a Halloween costume, she looks Muslim all the time, you know? So one time she told me that she was driving around and a guy pulled up next to her in traffic and saw that she was wearing the hijab, and he, like, flipped her off. And then he, like, followed her in his car for a while.
And I was, like, terrified when she told me this. I didn’t want to ask her this question, but I asked. I was like, “Mom, have you ever, like, thought about taking off your hijab?”
And she was like, “Malik, I would rather die a martyr than let those people change me.”
I was like, “All right, Tupac, fucking relax. Jesus, chill out. Don’t talk like that. Don’t ‘wish a motherfucker would’ — that’s exactly the opposite of what I wanted.”
She’s nuts, crazy talk. But I was proud of her. Like, I don’t want her to change anything about herself, but I want her to be safe. So it’s like, what do we do here? You know, like something’s got to change. Society’s not going to change, so it’s like we got to figure something out.
What I’m thinking of doing is coming out with a line of hate-crime-proof hijabs that my mom can wear — completely hate-crime-proof.
Okay, first one I’m thinking: standard, just Confederate flag hijab, ’cause listen — that’s going to short-circuit. Nobody’s going to know what to do when they see that. Next time some guy pulls up next to my mom in traffic, he’s gonna be like,
“She got us. She wore the piece of cloth that we like.”
This is another one — this is a prototype, I don’t know if it’s ready for the streets just yet — but, um, all-way hijab, but just a little bit pointy in the back. Just a little bit pointy, not all the way, but just deceptively pointy. Just for some peace of mind.
I am looking for peace of mind, man. I’ve been going to a therapist for four years. I think it’s a scam — at least I don’t have a good therapist. Like, I didn’t get referred by a doctor; I just went online, like I just Googled “help please, please help.”
And then it took me to a website, and on the website it was like, “Write out a list of your problems so we can use that to match you up.” And I was like, “All right.”
And I selected anxiety, ’cause that’s what I was having. And then it was like, “Write out the anxiety, explain what that feels like so that we can use that to better match you up to somebody.”
And I was like, “It’s anxiety, it’s not going to make sense.” I was like, “Okay, I’m not as good of a Muslim as I was raised to be, but I still feel like a good person. You know, and I feel conflicted, ’cause in school they taught us that everything is written before we’re even born, like all my decisions are made for me. So am I just doomed to make these mistakes that God wrote for me? Like, what if Allah judges me unfairly?”
And then I submitted that, and then they were like, “You should talk to Helen about this. Helen’s good for shit like this — she’s on top of it, trust me.”
And I was like, “Helen? Are you even listening to what — what is Helen going to do? You couldn’t have brought me like a Dr. Mahmood El Shabaz? Somebody to just tell me to pray — ‘Brother, your life is Haram, of course you feel terrible.’ At least he understands what’s—”
I’m going to be in a meeting with Helen, she’s going to be like, “Tell me more about this Allah character. He sounds toxic. I mean, why would you hang out with a guy like that? Who is he to judge you?”
And I’m like, “Well, he’s actually — he’s the only one who can.”
So — and that’s my therapist, Helen. I’ve been with Helen for about four years, and we get into arguments. Like, I’ll fight with Helen, ’cause she just tries too much, too new-agey ideas, it’s not practical.
This is when I knew I had to find someone else — when she asked me what my astrological sign was in the middle of a session. My therapist was like, “What’s your star sign?”
I was like, “Helen, come on. We can’t both be mentally ill, you know? It’s got to be — we’re just two crazy people yelling at each other now. We don’t need to be in an office.”
She’s like, “You’re an Aries.”
And I was like, “You’re good, Helen. You can stay.”
Yeah, I’m working on it, you know, ’cause I get angry a lot. So I’m trying to figure out, like, what’s good, what’s the right thing to get angry about. ’Cause there’s stuff that’s just not worth it.
This is when I realized I had to stop doing it — when Kyrie Irving got in trouble. When Kyrie got in trouble, that was big, ’cause he was, like, my favorite basketball player. He’s one of the best of this generation.
And he — yeah, he got in trouble ’cause he shared an antisemitic documentary on his Twitter. It was wild. Like, the documentary denied the Holocaust — it was nuts. And they wanted to kick him out of the NBA.
And I agreed, I’m like, “This is bullshit, there’s no place for that.” But then I caught myself in the middle of it, and I was like, “Wait a second — why am I even mad at this guy? A year before this, he said he thought the Earth was flat.”
Like, if a guy tells you that he thinks the Earth is flat, don’t ask him about the Jews. Like, what are you doing? What did you think he was going to say?
Hey, if you walked in on your girlfriend cheating on you, you don’t need to be like, “Let me see your phone right now, unlock your phone. I can see the way this guy’s hitting it from the back — you’re lying, I can tell.”
There’s no woke flat-earthers. There’s never been. There’s nobody who’s like, “The Earth is flat, but you know, I love everybody on it. We’re all doing our best on this frisbee ride in space, man, that’s traveling upwards to simulate gravity. We’re all doing our best, and we gotta pay attention, ’cause it’s heating up — the disc is heating up — and the water’s going to rise, it’s going to pour off the side, we gotta be careful.”
People don’t usually double up on causes like that. They’re like, “The Earth is flat, and there’s too many Filipinos on it, and it’s going to tip over if we don’t find the edge that the Jews are hiding from us and push them.”
Like, who cares? He’s a basketball player. He’s not making the rules.
Kanye was the same thing. That was tough for me, when Kanye got in trouble, ’cause I’ve been a Kanye apologist my whole life. Every time Kanye said something stupid, I was always the guy in the back of the room being like, “Just wait for the album, bro. You don’t get it. He’s in the future — you’re not an artist, how could you get it?”
And then he was like, “I’m going to go Defcon 3 on the Jews.”
And I was like, “This better be a good album. This sounds like the past, Ye, to be honest with you.”
[Laughter]
My family’s from Lebanon, you know. I’m from Canada, like, I was raised in Canada, but my mom was raised over in Lebanon. She tells me wild stories about what that was like for her.
In 1982, Israel invaded Lebanon, so my mom grew up with Israeli tanks rolling through her village. Like, they used to come into the house and do check stops all the time — it’s a crazy way to grow up.
One day, the Israeli military fired a missile at my grandma’s house, and it broke through the wall and just landed inside and just spun out. It just didn’t explode — the missile just did not go off. And they all just had to back away from the missile and just pray that nothing happened.
And then the Israeli military just came and scooped it up. They’re like, “Sorry about that,” and then they just took it and left.
But if that missile went off, I would have never existed — my whole family would’ve been vapor. I wouldn’t be here talking to you guys right now.
So I still listen to Kanye sometimes, you know. Like, I feel that’s fair.
Bro, when I woke up today and saw the news, I was like, “My taping!” You guys are a dope crowd, that’s good, thank God.
Bro, I swear, if I’m unlucky, Kanye’s going to drop tonight — he’s going to drop the most racist album you’ve ever heard.
So this is the first year of me doing stand-up where I’ve gotten to travel a lot, and it’s been very fun. It’s a lot of travel — I’m not complaining — but it’s, you know, a lot.
So I’m trying to figure out how to streamline that experience, ’cause something would always go wrong. I would lose my boarding pass or something, and then I’d be in the line fumbling with my email, holding it up.
So I started doing this thing where I’d make my phone background my boarding pass, just so it’d be easy to scan real quick. But I also do this thing where sometimes before I come on stage, I make my phone background a list of my jokes, just so it’s easy for me to reference — just like one or two words to remind me.
And I forgot to switch it. And I just went to get on the plane — I just showed a nice lady that works at the airport a list that said:
Islamic school
Prove them all wrong
Bulletproof hijab
My therapist is the crazy one
and
Israel payback
And I was just sitting there like, “Oh no, no — I just, I think that stuff’s funny.”
Thank you guys very much.
