Katt Williams: Live (2006) | Transcript

Katt Williams: Live (2006)

[Police siren blaring]

[Police radio chattering]

[Crowd clamoring]

CHRIS: Thank you. 100.9 the Wiz. Blazing hip hop and R and B. Jamming in the building right now. Man, it’s just an honor to have this guy just stop by just to say hi and say what’s up to Cincinnati. My man Katt Williams in the house. Say, Katt, you doing some big things there, man. What’s actually going on? What’s bringing you back to Cincinnati? You know, this is my place of origination, so the first thing you want to do if you make any success, is you want to go back to where it started, and you want to try to put something back there. And I’m not really interested in whatever political issues are involved with that. My concern is, you know… First of all, let me say that I do want to respect other people’s opinion and what they’re doing in a very serious situation. So I don’t take the boycotters lightly at all. On the other hand, I am a public official. I am beholden to the public, and I view my job as seriously as a fireman does his job. So a fireman goes where the fire is and tries to put out the fires. That’s what he does. I’m a comedian. I make people laugh, and the best people to make laugh are the people that are hurting. So I go where people are hurting, and I stand on the stage, and I make people laugh for an hour and a half, two hours. Now, if you think that that’s so serious, you feel like that’s something that shouldn’t be done by me, then I’m sorry. We just have a difference of opinion. That’s good. That’s a good thing, and, you know, I applaud you for that, especially remembering home. A lot of people don’t. They kind of leave where they say they’re from, and then they never want to come back and give back, which is good ’cause you bringing in some healing, ’cause I… Comedy is healing to me. You know, when I want to go get something off my mind, I go to a comedy show.

Right. You know, ’cause it makes you laugh. For you to come here and bring some healing, that’s, like, wow.

You should be applauded for that. -I appreciate that. Yeah, I mean, I can’t fix the problems. I just got some Bactine and some Band-Aids. That’s my job. I can’t heal you, but I can put a little… I can put a little salve on it for a second. I just want to let everybody know exactly what is going down. What can they expect on the 25th at the Taft Theatre? Yeah, exactly. I wanted to, you know, come take the temperature of the town real quick. You know what I mean? I had to hit the streets. Yesterday, I went to a couple of schools, hit a couple of streets in Avondale, turned a couple of corners. You know, just trying to talk to some folks out there on the street and see what they think about me coming.

‘Cause that’s really my concern.

Okay, the people.

Yeah, exactly. -It’s all about them anyway. Hey, please don’t forget the hood. If you forget the hood, the hood will forget you. Chris: You know that’s right. That’s how you end up real, real light-skinned in court with the Moslems around you. [Chris Laughing] [Imitating Michael Jackson] Beat it! Too late now! We need you to be a Negro in your time of goodness. There you go. There you go, man. I want to thank you for coming out here, man, and just spending time with us here. You’re always welcome. You know the doors are always wide open for you. I appreciate you, dawg. For real. No problem, Katt. No problem, man. Thanks a lot for having us. And thanks a lot for doing this in Cincinnati. Lord knows we need it. Well, you know, this is where the pimping came from. You got to bring pimping to the birthplace.

You gotta come… You’re right. You’re right.

Yes, this is the real Ohio players’ society. This is a secret pimp society. I got to show America how a pimp like this was created.

[Audience applauding]

MC: From Cincinnati. You know him as Money Mike.

Give it up and welcome the very funny Mr. Katt Williams! Um, before we get cracking, I do have some complaints about Cincinnati. Let’s get this out the way before a n i g g a gets started. I been here three days. It’s been all… How the fuck is you n i g g a s gonna have all the weather? This is bullshit! Seventy-two hours. It’s been hot and mild, rainy, cloudy, sleety, cold. This is bullshit. A pimp don’t know what to wear in this motherfucker. I’m in the hotel lobby with a fur coat on, some swim trunks, some Timberlands and an umbrella, because I don’t know what may happen in this raggedy bitch this evening. Shit! Yesterday it was 181 degrees. Today it was 36. What the fuck? You can’t pimp nobody when it’s 136 degrees. As soon as you walk out, “Bitch, where’s my money?” Pimp down! 10-32, bitch! Get the trunk! I am a boy, Damon! Got to love Cincinnati. This is the ugliest, nastiest, dirtiest, most beautiful place in all of the United States of America. Shit. You can just be driving in a nice neighborhood, just driving, just look at the architecture, and look at the clocks and the fountain and… Oh, my God. And then three seconds later, what the fuck, n i g g a, is that? Is that two crackheads and a pit bull, n i g g a? What? We didn’t even turn a corner! N i g g a, why? Crackheads in Cincinnati be working hard. See, people with a day job think a crack salesman has an easy job. They don’t know this n i g g a got to do five jobs. This n i g g a got to be a salesman, security, lookout, gunman, all of that. That’s all his job. N i g g a just own the corner, just… This is bullshit. Got to love Cincinnati. I hadn’t been here in a minute. I needed some clothes. I asked the lady at the front desk, “Which mall should I go to?” She said, “Sir, there is a mall damn near attached to the hotel.” If this ain’t the most rinky-dink mall in all of the United States. I almost went back and smacked the shit out of her. “Now, ma’am, you know it wasn’t nothing for n i g g a s in there!” Paintings and incense burners and shit. Mall looked big from the outside, looked big like it’s five blocks long. You get in that motherfucker and find out it’s built in a circle. We just in the mall… “Oh, n i g g a, this is nice. This is nice. “l like this, n i g g a. This is nice. “l like this, n i g g a. Is that a Foot Locker, n i g g a? “They got a Foot Locker? That’s nice, n i g g a! “They got two motherfucking Foot Lockers? “This is the shit, n i g g a! “They got three goddamn Foot Lockers!” I fucked around and bought the same pair of shoes twice. Y’all forgive me while a n i g g a takes a drink and adjusts his electronic technicians. You got haters here, too, though. Oh… Oh, you got some haters in Cincinnati, now. All over the world there’s haters. You got to be careful, ’cause it’s easy to become a hater. See, most real n i g g a s think that haters are born. Haters are made. They start out just like us, real n i g g a s. They want to do good so bad that n i g g a s no longer respect the grind, the journey, the struggle, the shit you gotta do in between. These n i g g a s want to be ballers overnight. I saw some shit in Cincinnati today that hurt my spirit as a n i g g a. And I hope that the n i g g a I’m gonna talk about is in this motherfucker tonight so I can talk about his ass personally. Y’all not gonna believe this shit. I’m in the limo, and in my peripheral… I see some n i g g a s looking confused. That means out of a n i g g a’s side vision, out his side vision. N i g g a in the back thought it was a car. “That n i g g a got a Peripheral? “Fuck a Phantom, that n i g g a got a Peripheral. “That ain’t even supposed to come out till 2006.” In my peripheral today… That n i g g a still think it’s a car. “I don’t believe him. It’s a car. “He don’t want nobody to have it.” I saw a n i g g a today…

[Audience jeering]

I know y’all want to know. I’m going to tell you. I saw a n i g g a with spinner hubcaps. What part of the game is this? Them motherfuckers didn’t even spin on they own. That n i g g a had to get out of the car and spin them bitches manually. This is bullshit. So, I come to Cincinnati and I hear that the Cincinnati government want to honor a n i g g a. Now, automatically, I am caught off guard, for I know this must be some sort of a government type of setup. I know a n i g g a must have a warrant he overlooked or something. I’m expecting, at any moment, for this to be a setup, and I find out they have declared it Katt Williams Day. Now, that sounds beautiful, but n i g g a s were very vague. They were very vague. They didn’t tell me what the fuck that means. That mean a n i g g a can jaywalk? What that mean? That mean that weed is legal in my vehicle? Have the laws on prostitution been slightly relaxed for poor n i g g a? [Speaking gibberish] Could that be the case? They gave me the proclamation, and let me just tell you something. I know, y’all, this is Cincinnati. I wasn’t even supposed to do it here because I know that there is a boycott in Cincinnati, but let me tell you something. There are several types of n i g g a s. There are n i g g a s that are concerned with politics and then there is street n i g g a s. Street n i g g a s don’t know nothing about boycotts. They don’t know nothing about what the opposite of boycott is. N i g g a s know “Don’t fuck with me. I won’t fuck with you.” Can I get a witness? That’s how we handle business. So, I’m just here to remind n i g g a s that we stress entirely too much, black people. I’m just saying, you got to make up your own rules. Your own rules. Fuck trying to keep up with other motherfuckers. That’s our problem, we be wanting to keep up. N i g g a s be working real hard to get $5000 worth of spinning rims and pull right on up in an apartment complex with them spinning rims. You gonna have to get some priorities eventually, now. I’m gonna tell you something about spinning rims you might not have known. You not gonna believe this. From inside your car, you can’t even see them bitches spin. Can you believe that? All that motherfucking money and you gotta look at n i g g a s on the bus stop to verify your motherfucking rims. You’re just at the light, just… Better get your life together. Life is too short to be worried about other motherfuckers. Fuck 20-inch rims. Put $20 in your gas tank and get your goddamn grind on one more time. ‘Cause, uh, I don’t care who you are, gas is entirely too fucking high. I don’t care if you got millions, gas is too high. You are not supposed to be at the gas station making life decisions. You just at the pump, just, “N i g g a, did I eat today? “N i g g a, I ain’t got but three cigarettes. “I can’t get no half a tank, n i g g a.” Just saying life is too short. You need to get you some white friends. Get you some white friends. You can learn a lot from white people. First of all… First of all, could we have all the white people make some noise? All the white people make some noise.

[Meager cheering]

I’d like to thank all 17 of you for coming out. That is some beautiful shit. I mean it. Thank you so much. You are never going to see this many white people and 17 n i g g a s. If you see us, we are lost in a motherfucker, just sitting there. “N i g g a, I thought you said this was Ludacris.” “This ain’t no motherfucking Ludacris.” Got to get you a white friend. I don’t give a fuck what you say, white people are friendly. You can call them motherfuckers up at 3:00 a.m. with a wrong number, and they won’t even be mad at you. They just… [Imitating phone ringing] “Hello? “No, I’m sorry, no Shaquita here. “Well, what number did you dial? “No, it’s a nine, not a seven. “Well, try it. If it doesn’t work, call me back. “We’ll figure this thing out.”

Gotta love white people. If you see white people waiting on the bus stop, they’re not mad. They’re not angry. They do… [Whistling] Bus is three hours late, they just… “l hope the bus driver’s okay.” If you see a n i g g a sitting on the bus stop, we are madder than a motherfucker. It ain’t got shit to do with the bus. We just sitting there. Just… Getting mad at n i g g a s that’s driving. Just… I’m telling you, life, it’s too short. All thug n i g g a s be ready to die, but not when you get shot. Every n i g g a that ever been shot has a puzzled look on his face. Just every time, “N i g g a, I’m ready to die. N i g g e r, right now. I don’t give a fuck…” “N i g g a, get my weed. Get my weed. Don’t let them… Don’t let them bury me.” I’m just saying the whole world is crazy. You gonna have to make your own decisions in life, ’cause the world is crazy. They tell us shit that makes no sense at all. You got to remember, this is your one shot at life. Make your own rules. They don’t want you to smoke weed, and you shouldn’t. Some n i g g a s almost walked out on that one. They said… “Now what that n i g g a talking about? Did you…” They want us to believe shit that don’t make no sense. They don’t want us to smoke weed ’cause it’s a drug. No, it’s not. It’s just a plant. It just grow like that. And if you should so happen to set it on fire, there are some effects. But that’s not the same as drugs. Drugs, you gotta do shit to it chemically. You got to add baking soda, water, stir it up. I don’t know the recipe. I’m just saying. It’s some shit you got to do to it.

They don’t want us to smoke weed. I know some of you all don’t smoke weed ’cause you got a good job. And, by all means, make your paper, boo boo. But if you ain’t got no job and you not smoking weed, I don’t know what the fuck you are doing with your life. I really don’t. There is a chemical in weed that’s called “fuck it”. And if you can just get that in your system, it could change your life. Some of you all be crying about bills you can’t pay. Got your kids lying, “My daddy say he ain’t home.” Some of you all just be in the living room, just… “I don’t know what I’m gonna do about this light bill. “They want the whole thing. They don’t want a piece of it, a deposit.” Just hit the block one time and see if it don’t change your perception of what’s important in your life. You just… “I don’t know what I’m gonna do about this light. I just…” “Fuck them goddamn lights. “I got 12 candles. I’ve been waiting to burn them bitches up.” ‘Cause that don’t make no sense, for them to tell us that should be illegal. Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherfuckers, it’ll be your last headache. As long as you been living, you ain’t never heard of nobody overdose on marijuana. You might have thought that n i g g a was dead. He ain’t dead. He gonna wake up in 30 minutes hungry enough to eat up everything in your house. That’s the side effects. Hungry, happy, sleepy. That’s it.

I don’t know. What I don’t know is why they ain’t made weed into a pill. They can clone sheep. They can make a baby without the mama. Remember the cell phone? When that motherfucker came out, was it not this goddamn big? Came in a suitcase with a shoulder strap. Now the cell phone is so small that by next year it’s just gonna be a chip on a n i g g a’s tongue. You just gonna be smoking a cigarette, yeah… [Imitating cell phone ringing] “Hello? “No, n i g g a, I got you on the tongue phone. “Hold on. I got another call. [Clicking tongue] “Hello?” You gotta be careful, though. Got to be careful. You have to pay attention to your schedule. I had to have a meeting with all the weed salesmen in Cincinnati and explain to these n i g g a s that I need regular weed. I have shit to do. I have an agenda. I don’t want shit with a nickname. Not Thriller, Killer, Salmonella, none of that shit. I want it to say, right on the bag, “Regular Weed”. Regular weed, you get the munchies, and you can live your life. This n i g g a in Cincinnati two days ago sold me some shit had me looking at the refrigerator for four hours. I’m just in the kitchen on the stove, just… “I bet you, ain’t shit in there. I bet you, there’s shit in…” You know the weed is too good when you hit it and look at it. Just… “Ah, n i g g a, there’s something in here. There’s something in here. That…” Something… You just… You just gotta do everything in moderation. ‘Cause I thought that all weed smokers were created equal, but that’s not the case, not the case at all. I live in Los Angeles now, and I was hanging out with Snoop Dogg. Now, this n i g g a is a professional weed smoker. There is not an amateur bone in this n i g g a’s body. I was not prepared. We was doing The Tracy Morgan Show. He did an episode. The n i g g a said, “Katt, “when we take a break, we gonna hit some weed.” Now I took out of that conversation, two words, “Hit”. “Some weed”. Now, I can do that. I know the rules and regulations. -I know I get the blunt, puff, puff…

AUDlENCE: Pass. I see you are aware of the regulations as well. So I’m feeling like everything is gonna be okay. I’m gonna smoke enough weed to be sociable, go back to my room and learn my lines. Now, I need to explain to you that it’s, in this room, only me, Snoop and his two partners. We are in a circle. I watch him roll one and light it and put it in rotation. And it starts to go in rotation. After about four and three-quarter minutes, I start noticing that I am higher than I have ever been my entire life. I mean, I am high, high. Like I’m up on the world, looking down at the planets and stars. Just satellites and my mama house where I grew up in Avondale. Just all of it. I can see it. And I’m thinking, “How in the hell could I be this high “off one blunt?” I look up and notice these n i g g a s have lit six blunts, and they are all in rotation at the same time. We look like an Olympic track meet in that bitch. It’s bullshit. That’s why you just gotta live your life. ‘Cause other people’s life, it may look better than yours, but that does not mean that’s the way it is. I live in LA now. I’m finding out that most of that shit that I thought was real was bullshit. I met DMX two months ago. This n i g g a is the same size as me. I don’t know why I thought that n i g g a was 6’12” or something. That n i g g a is two inches taller than me, and he talk like that for real. We in a restaurant, he, “Hey, yo, bitch. “Let me get some water and some lemon.” “Now, n i g g a, why are you hollering? We in a restaurant. “Don’t nobody holler like that in no restaurant.” You know, that n i g g a wasn’t shit in school. He couldn’t cheat at all. “Hey, yo, bitch. What’s the answer to number seven?” [Barking] “N i g g a, you need to be in a special class. What the…”

I’m out there in LA. I’ve been making friends with basketball players. Just n i g g a s I’ve been watching for a long time. People like Ruben Patterson from the Portland Trail Blazers and Shaquille O’Neal. Just big six-foot, eight-foot n i g g a s. I found out I can’t even really be friends with these n i g g a s in public ’cause they too fucking tall. I’m trying to congratulate you on the game. You got your dick all around my forehead region. This is bullshit. “N i g g a, good game, good game.” Just saying you got to live your life. See, I notice a lot of this shit ’cause I have a disease. I’m allergic to stupid shit. Now, some of y’all might have that same disease, but, if you have the disease, you know for a fact that it does not start when you an adult. It starts when you a child. I can remember as a child being allergic to stupid shit. I can remember being in class. The teacher said, “Katt, stand up.” “Bitch, I am standing up.” I hate her so much. I really do. She says, “Spell ‘kitchen’.” So, I sounded it out, as I had been instructed to do. “Kit-chen. Kit-chen.” “K-I-T… Ch… Ch… C-H-E-N.” She said, “Very good. Very good. Spell ‘knife’.” Now, once again, church, I sounded this motherfucker out. [Slowly] “Knife.” “Knife.” “N-I-F-E. Knife.” She said, “No, no, I’m sorry. It’s K-N-I-F-E.” This bitch is stupid, she really is. “Uh, yes, that would be ka-nife. Ka-nife.” This is what she told me in front of the whole class. She said the “k” is silent. I said, “Then take that quiet motherfucker out, then, “’cause it’s confusing me.” Right after class, I cut that bitch with a ka-spoon. Just what the fuck are you talking about? Now, just in case you think I’m tripping, we are all adults now. Can you please tell me the purpose of the silent letter? Have you ever been able to use one in your own personal life? “My name is Bob. That’s B-K-O-B.” “No, n i g g a, your name is Bkob. It’s right there, Bkob.” Math. Math was my favorite subject, because everything that had been said, I could verify. She said, “Two and two is four.” Damn sure is. All the time, n i g g a. All the time. Then one day this bitch just flipped the script. “Three X plus Y equals what?” This bitch is still teaching. Do you see this shit? “Did you notice some of them was letters? “Yes, bitch, that’s for words and sentences.” Now, that was just the shit they told us when we were little. Now that we grown, these motherfuckers still think we stupid. They got commercials on television where they lie and tell the truth at the same time. Now, how fucking stupid do I have to be for you to lie and tell the truth at the same time? They got commercials say you can get a brand-new Expedition. No credit, bad credit, bankrupt, divorce, parole violation, whatever your problem is, on approved credit. Did you say no credit, bad credit, on approved credit? That’s like you go to the club and a girl tell you, “I’m gonna give you some pussy. Never.” But that’s not the same, then. That’s… Then they got commercials for medication where the side effect is worse than the shit that they’re curing. And I didn’t think nobody was noticing but me. All I’m saying, if I’m taking something for asthma, I don’t need the side effect to be shortness of breath. That’s what the fuck I came to you for!

They got some shit called Xenical. Now, Xenical is a fat blocker. And if weight is heavy on your mind, you got to be excited about something called a fat blocker, because you might not necessarily wanna stop eating, but you wouldn’t mind something blocking the fat every now and again. They show you the lady. She’s a little overweight. She’s unhappy. Three seconds later, she’s in a bikini running through flowers, and you think, “I want to run through some flowers, too.” Because you envision a pill in your throat all day just blocking fat. Just… Then they say possible side effects are gas with an oily discharge, diarrhea and the inability to stop it. What the fuck? Gas with an oily… It’s already embarrassing to fart in church as it is. Now you got to ruin your clothes? You just… [Razzing] That ain’t never coming out, lady. No, n i g g a, that’s oil. That’s oil. Just gotta make your own decisions. They tell you you should not smoke cigarettes because it will stunt your growth. And when you a kid they tell you, “Drink all your milk, “eat your vegetables, “so that you can grow up big and strong.” And I remember as a child drinking milk every day. “Just bring a cow in and let me get up under him and drink “some fresh milk “so I can be big and strong. “Broccoli. Give me all the broccoli, and greens and spinach.” Let me show y’all some shit y’all not gonna believe. Would my mother and father please stand up in the audience right now? I’m looking around. Now, look up there at my parents up at the top. My daddy 5’5″ and my mama 5’3″. What the fuck was I drinking milk for? Shit! I could have been eating Lemonheads and baked beans all day. Y’all don’t know. It ain’t no fun.

Cincinnati right now worried about black and white prejudice. That ain’t shit compared to the prejudice of being short in American society. This is bullshit. You don’t know how I had to overcome. Ain’t no parades. Ain’t no marches. Jesse Jackson don’t show up. All the shit y’all take for granted, like that little thing your mama put by the door to mark your size every year. We just had one dark-ass line. My mama wrote “Forget about it” on the top of it. Just one dark… Then you grow up and be the same size. You got to be a pimp. You can’t just be no regular n i g g a this size. I can’t even go to an amusement park. Fuck Kings Island. I don’t give a fuck. I’m a grown-ass man. What you mean, I can’t ride this goddamn ride? I’m a grown-ass man! Spent $100, I gotta ride in a teacup with little kids. Just… This is bullshit. When we get out this motherfucker, I am gonna kick your motherfucking ass. Just saying life is short. Got to make up your own rules. Make up your own rules. We be wanting to do better so bad. You got to be happy with however your life is right now. That don’t mean you don’t want to do better, but you gotta be happy with whatever you got right now. If you got a raggedy car, stop talking shit about your raggedy car. That’s your raggedy car. You need to go home and wash the shit out that motherfucker. Put Armor All and everything on it. That way, when you leave the club, you don’t have to have that raggedy car conversation. Now, we all know the raggedy car conversation. Some of y’all can’t laugh right now ’cause you might have to use it later, but we all know the raggedy car conversation. You leave the club, you just… [Sighing] “I don’t need no bullshit. I don’t need no bullshit.” You fuck around and crank that motherfucker. You hear… [Screeching] Now you gotta act like you ain’t ready to leave the club. “What y’all n i g g a s doing? What y’all doing? “I’m gonna hang out five minutes. See what’s going on.” Just gotta be happy with whatever you got. That way you don’t accidentally end up becoming no hater. You mad ’cause you got a raggedy car. Now, when you pull up at the stoplight, you gotta look at the n i g g a in the Escalade like he made a fucked-up decision. You just in the car, just… That’s bullshit. You gotta be happy with whatever you got in your life. Let me give you a perfect example. Married people, make some noise.

[Audience cheering]

Now, did you hear how depressing that shit sounded? Who would ever want to be married with you motherfuckers clapping like that? Let’s try it again. Married people, make some noise. Yes. I don’t care how fucked up your marriage is, if you done found a motherfucker to walk with you day in and day out, that is some beautiful shit. You got to be happy about that. One more time, married people. Make some motherfucking noise. Yes, yes, okay. Let’s see what we’re working with. Do we have any newlyweds at all? Newlyweds? Right there. Uh-huh, and where else? Right… Right over there. Okay, stand up if you’re newlyweds. I can’t see you. You gonna have to stand… Right there. Uh-huh. Wait a minute. Hold on. I see a n i g g a standing up by himself. Oh, there she is. Okay. I can tell y’all newlyweds. Y’all been fucking all day. She tired. She got up like this. “This n i g g a’s crazy. I can’t keep doing this.” Okay, so how long y’all been married?

A month.

A month?

A month and a half.

Oh, where’s the month and a half? Raise your hand, month and a half. Where’s a month? What you got back there? A month and a half! A month… That n i g g a’s… You hear that n i g g a? “A month and a half! “And loving every minute of it! “I don’t know what took me so long.” ‘Cause, you know, black people, we’ll go together for 36 years, finally get married. You know, “All the kids in college now. I’m gonna do this. “I’m gonna make you my wife.” That’s some beautiful shit for a month and a month and a half. That’s wonderful shit. Let’s find out where the veterans are. Do we have any veteran married couples? Who been married more than 10, 15 years? What we got?

What you got, ma’am?


Twenty? Can anybody beat 20? What we got? Can we beat 20?

Shit, we got…

Twenty-eight! Shit, 28, but you’re so far back you don’t count. You should have bought your tickets early. I can barely see you. That motherfucker’s outside by the fountain, “Twenty-eight!” Who we have right here? We had 24. Where was 24 at? Where was… There it was. Yeah, okay stand up, 24, so we can get a look at you. Go on. Wait, wait. “No, no, no”? No? You sure? ‘Cause we can make this whole segment about y’all personally, if you don’t want to comply with my wishes and demands. Oh, look. Kirk Franklin don’t want to stand up with his wife ’cause that ain’t really his wife. He been married 24 years. She got a boyfriend. They can’t even stand up. They sitting there like hostages now. “What the fuck did you put your hand up for? “l told you to keep your goddamn “hands down.” That’s some beautiful shit for motherfuckers married 24 and 28 years. MAN: Twenty-six! Twenty-six. I left that out. I thought that went between 24 and 28, n i g g a. That n i g g a don’t want to be left out. “Twenty-six!” Thought we were doing bingo in this bitch. That’s E 26. That’s so long. I can’t even… Shit! Twenty-four, twenty-six, twenty-eight years. Just… Goddamn, that’s beautiful. Just day after day after day of the same motherfucker. Just every time you wake up… Just, “Shit! You again! “Why don’t you all go on a vacation or some shit?” That’s some beautiful shit. If you done found somebody to walk with you every day… See… See, a month, a month and half, see… Sometimes, y’all still have arguments and disagreements, but at 24, 26 and 28, these motherfuckers don’t even talk to each other no motherfucking more. Sometimes she just be looking at him. “Just look at this nasty-ass n i g g a. “He gonna smell that shirt. It smell like yesterday, motherfucker! “Put it on! I don’t give a shit. I don’t give a shit.” Sometime he be looking at her like, “She gonna ask me, does this dress make her look fat? “I ought to just go on and tell her, ‘I see you naked! “‘Stop blaming it on the dress!”‘ But that’s some beautiful shit, if you done found somebody to walk with you every goddamn day. Now, let me show you something, if you don’t mind. Single people, make some motherfucking noise. Now did you hear… Did you hear how exciting that sounded? I know that a month, a month and a half, had a flashback to when you, too, was happier than a motherfucker. Just… [Screaming] ‘Cause as single people, we always act like we the shit. And we are. We really are. We the shit as long as we out. We quick to tell a motherfucker, “When you going home?” “When the fuck I want to go home. “I’m single, free to motherfucking mingle.” That is till you get home in that lonely-ass kitchen. You just in the kitchen… “Why won’t you send me somebody, Jesus?” I’m just saying, whatever you got in your life, be happy with what you got. Now, this next thing I’m gonna say is just for the fellows. If this don’t apply to you, just forget I even said it. If you got a crazy-ass baby mama… This n i g g a’s testifying in the back. Just… First of all, if your baby mama is that crazy… Uh-huh.

[Man yelling]

I done say something about babies’ mamas and triggered this n i g g a’s Tourette’s syndrome. This n i g g a just calling out area codes. Just, “513! “404! “213! “686!” If your baby mama is that crazy, the first rule you need to remember is keep your hands to your motherfucking self, because these police do not give a shit about n i g g a s if they have to come to the house. Oh, they don’t give a shit. You can be laying on the ground with both of your eyes black and your arm broke, and she gonna be on the couch, laughing her motherfucking ass off. Policeman come. “Ma’am, did he hit you?” “Hell no. I knocked his motherfucking ass out!” “Yes, ma’am. Yes, ma’am. “But as you were knocking him out, as he was falling back, “did he clutch at you? Did he clutch at you?” “He damn sure did. I half forgot all about that. “Y’all say bye to your daddy, “’cause he had clutched at me, and I forgot in the shock of the moment.” So rule number one is keep your hands to yourself. Rule number two is if you got a crazy-ass baby mama, just try and work with her ass if you can, ’cause you might not want her motherfucking job. That’s all I’m gonna say. I’m a single father. My son is nine. I done have him since he was nine months old. All I’m saying is it’s a job raising these motherfuckers. We do not give women enough credit for this single-parent shit. You can stop clapping. Some of y’all ain’t even good mothers. Ain’t good mothers at all. Your baby at home right now alone. Your baby sleepy and crying, just waking up to… “I don’t want to watch cartoons no more!” All I’m saying is there’s more to raising these motherfuckers than being at the mall dressed alike, fellas. That’s all I’m saying. It’s a job raising these motherfuckers. First of all, if you a parent, you gonna be tired. It ain’t shit you can do about it. My son wake up at 5:30 every motherfucking morning. He don’t give a shit about weekends, weekdays, national holidays, Katt Williams Day, what time Daddy got home. At 5:30 every morning, he is up. And not only is he up at an ungodly hour, he ain’t got no job. He ain’t got no bills. He ain’t got no stress. So not only is he up before Jesus and the Mexicans, he is happy. He is happier than a motherfucker for no apparent reason. Just every morning at 5:30 he just, “Good morning, Daddy! “Time for some cereal.” This is bullshit. I could put that n i g g a to bed at 5:28. At 5:30 he just, “Good morning, Daddy! “Time for some cereal.” Shit! If you’ve got young kids, just take my advice and be happy at whatever level your child is on. Because as parents we always want our kids to be doing some shit they ain’t doing. Like when my son couldn’t talk, all the fuck I wanted him to do was to talk. Didn’t nobody tell me that once this n i g g a started talking, he would be qualified to ask me 500 motherfucking questions back to motherfucking back, while we wait at a stoplight. This n i g g a just in the car, just… “Why is the McDonald’s sign yellow, Daddy? “What part of the chicken is a chicken nugget, Daddy? “What’s the difference between barbecue sauce and hot sauce? “ls barbecue sauce just sweet and tangy and hot sauce ain’t tangy? “What is tangy, Daddy? Is that kind of like sour but it ain’t sour? “Why you crying, Daddy? Why you crying?” “l don’t know shit!” That’s my motherfucking n i g g a, though. You just gotta figure your kids out. You got to figure your kids out. I know some of y’all been letting your kids stress you. Do not let your kids stress you. You gotta understand the world is against you and your baby. The world is about money, making money. They don’t give a fuck about you raising your children. Commercials are 30 to 60 seconds long. Your child’s attention span is 30 to 60 seconds long. That’s why they want everything. You can go to the store and buy your child everything in the toy store on aisle 7. I swear before God, he’ll get to aisle number 8 and be like, “But, Daddy, this wasn’t even in there.” You just gotta figure out how to deal with your kids. I tell my son the truth. I agree with whatever can be agreed with. I know that n i g g a want everything, but I understand he just want me to know. He don’t expect it. This is him for an hour, watching TV, just… “I love that bicycle, Daddy. You see that bicycle? “It got a bell and everything. I like bells. I might as well just ring it. “Ding, ding. You’d know I’m in the driveway when I ring it. “That movie come out Friday, Daddy. We gonna be here Friday. “We might as well see the movie Friday. “I love Pokemon, Daddy. “Pikachu! I love Pikachu, Daddy. “That’s Froot Loops. Got vitamin C for boys and for girls. “I love vitamin C, Daddy.” This is me for an hour, “Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. “Tomorrow, n i g g a, you never know. “Yep. Yep.” At the end of the hour, I ain’t bought shit. He ain’t got shit. We both happier than a motherfucker, sitting on the couch. I’m just saying, do not let your kids stress you out. See, I don’t know how you raise your kids. We all raise our kids different, and I know a lot of comics mess with white people and tell white people they need to beat their kids. But let me tell you something. It ain’t that. It ain’t like n i g g a s got it all down pat when it come to raising kids. We all got problems. We just got different problems. It would seem like white people are a little bit too lenient on their children and n i g g a s are a bit too harsh on ours. All I’m saying is at the white family’s house, you can get time out for setting the family dog on fire. At the n i g g a household, you can get beat half to death for forgetting to feed the family dog. Now, that’s the same goddamn dog. We just do shit differently. But white people, please take this back to your community. Please stop putting your children on them goddamn leashes. That is just entertainment for n i g g a s. We… Oh, we can’t wait to see that shit in the store. We get right by the register, just… That’s why white little kids wake up and grow up to be twenty-six and kill everybody in the family, ’cause you done had them on the leash like a dog. They just in the toy store, just, “I want it. I want it. I…” Now, black people laughing like we got the shit down pat. We ain’t no good, neither. You got to stop beating your motherfucking kids in the goddamn grocery store. You just in the checkout line, soon as your baby touch the Skittles, you… “Didn’t I tell you not…” “Just… Ma’am, that baby is a toddler. “You can’t beat that…” Just saying, don’t let your kids stress you out. I don’t know how you raise your kids, but I’m a pimp. Not because I put women on the street. I think pimp, therefore I am. I see some n i g g a s writing it down. Feel free. Feel free. So, the first rule of pimping is you don’t lie. So I don’t lie to my son about nothing. He’s nine. He ain’t never believed in Santa Claus. I’m sorry. I cannot afford for him to walk around thinking there’s a white man going though the ghetto, giving n i g g a s PlayStations. “No, no. Daddy bought that with his weed money, baby. “Can you say ‘sacrifice’?” Sacrifice. We have real conversations. That n i g g a came to me a few months ago. He said, “Daddy, I want an Xbox.” I said, “Sit right here, pimpin. “Let Daddy holler at you. “Now, the first thing I need you to understand is the Xbox “is $199.99. “Now, Daddy can do this all day, every day. No problem. “But I need you to understand it only comes with one controller. “That mean Daddy can’t play with you. Your friends can’t play with you. “It’s just you. “That mean I gotta buy another controller at $34.95. “Now, Daddy can do this all day, every day. No problem. “But I need you to understand it only come with two demo games. “You gonna be through with them motherfuckers tonight. “That mean I got to buy four or five other games at $45 to $55 apiece. “Now, Daddy can do this all day, every day. No problem. “Or I can look in the newspaper under the classified section “and I can get you what’s known as a Nintendo 64. “Now, it’s not gonna be new. “So it’s gonna come with, like, 20 games “that other kids have already opened and played with to make sure it’s fun. “Then me and you got, like, $300 left over. “We can go all across the country stopping ice-cream trucks. “Buy six nuggets. Don’t eat six. Eat three. “Throw the other three out the window, “’cause we don’t give a fuck, ’cause we got money like that.” And that n i g g a sit right there, make a pimp decision. He’s just, “You say 20 games? “Well, we’re just going to get the Nintendo, then, Daddy.” That’s my motherfucking n i g g a! Make a pimp decision! When the new Jordans come out, I take that n i g g a to the Foot Locker with the rest of the children, and let him try them on. “No, they tight. They tight. “All right, I want you to do me a favor. “I want you to run down this aisle real quick. I’m gonna time you. “On your mark, “get set, go! “Five seconds! Five seconds! “That was good. That was good. Take them off. Put them off. “Come with Daddy to Payless. I want to show you something. “I want to show you something. “Now, put the Batmans on. Put the Batmans on. “Make sure the Velcro is tight. Make sure the Velcro is tight. “On your mark, get set, go! “Three seconds! All I’m saying is you’re faster in the Batmans. “Now, sit right here, pimpin. Let Daddy holler at you. “Now, if you want the Jordans, “Daddy gonna get you the Jordans all day, every day. No problem. “But for the same price as the Jordans, “you can get the Batmans, the Robins, the Pokemons, the Digimons, “You can get… These don’t have no name, but they light up every time you walk. “Just every step you take.” And that n i g g a bling-bling out the store. He just… Just saying, don’t let your kids fuck with you. I learned my lesson. Some of y’all do all your Christmas shit, don’t get around paying the bills till October. October 19, you still paying off shit from last Christmas, ’cause you trying to keep up with white people. Fuck that. Keep up with your budget. You ain’t got to spend all that money. These is children. You know, the same kids that play with sticks and bricks? Yes, the same motherfucking kids. You done spent $1,300 dollars on Christmas. Them motherfuckers don’t even play with it after the batteries run out. This is bullshit. You need to go to the 99-cent store and buy them 100 toys. They ain’t gonna be name brand, and they gonna tear up in a week, but any child got to be happy about 99 motherfucking toys. My son was all under the tree, just, “Daddy! Daddy!” N i g g a didn’t even open them. He just went to sleep. Just… “I know my daddy love me. I know my daddy love me. “I know my daddy love me.” Just saying, life is short. Gotta work on your relationships. If you in a bad relationship right now, you can end that motherfucker tonight. End it tonight. Life is too short for you to be in a fucked-up relationship. Just tonight, when the show is over, just walk right past your vehicle and keep on going. Just, “No, I’m done. I’m done. Thank you.” Go right on down Fifth. Just… ‘Cause life is too short. Women, I know… I know you all been talking about n i g g a s ain’t shit. I know you been saying it. I been hearing you. That’s not the case. On behalf of all n i g g a s here this evening, I want you to know it’s just been a misunderstanding. Y’all just don’t understand us. We are simple. Women, y’all think too much, put too much pressure on yourself, pay attention to too many magazines. N i g g a s don’t give a shit about most of that stuff y’all be worried about. “Oh, I think I’m gaining some weight, and I got to get…” Every… Every magazine a woman reads say that you ain’t shit. Just every one. “You still wearing them shoes? Bitch, you ain’t shit. You ain’t shit. “ls that the makeup you’re still wearing? Bitch, you ain’t shit.” I think I can speak for all n i g g a s when I say we don’t give a fuck about most of that shit. It ain’t a n i g g a in here that ever been ready to fuck a woman and then change his mind ’cause she had on the wrong toenail polish. It has never happened in the history of mankind. Just, “Oh, hell no. Is that plum? No, that’s plum, bitch. “No, not plum and red. I can’t do that. I can’t.” Women, you just gotta remember, men are simple. We are simple. We just want to work and fuck and eat. And not necessarily in that order. ‘Cause if a n i g g a can fuck, we ain’t even hungry. “I’m okay. I’m okay. “I ate yesterday. It was okay. You got a Tic-Tac or something? “A Tic-Tac would be nice.” We just tired of women confusing us. Women, stop confusing us. We are simple. We are tired of being at the club, you got a woman dancing all on you, just… Done dance the crease out of the n i g g a’s pants. Just… Now, after the club, we excited as a motherfucker. We on the car like this. [Laughing] [Clearing throat] “So what’s cracking?” And y’all turn into a different motherfucker. Y’all just… [Gasping] “What kind of girl did you think I was?” “I thought you were a whore. “You were a whore over there. I assumed you’d be a whore over here. “Did we cross the no-ho line? What the fuck happened?” I know women be bothered by simple shit. Women don’t like it when a man buy them a drink and then follow them all over the club all night. Clap if you hate that, women. Do you hate that? [Clapping] See, once again, this is just a simple misunderstanding. I am not following you, bitch. I am following my $7 investment in our relationship. Now, if you don’t want the drink, then just say, “No, thank you.” But don’t take my investment and run off with it. You done hop in the car with another n i g g a. Now, I’m in the parking lot, just… “Uh, yeah, can I holler at you, player? “Either you or her owe me $3.50. That’s all I’m saying. “lt could be you. It could be her. It could be her. It could be you. It…” Before I get out of here, I gotta say something that’s going to be a bit controversial. But I been thinking about it, and it really needs to be said. [MAN TALKlNG] Hold on one second. [PEOPLE SHOUTlNG] Thank you ever so much. I heard a voice with some bass in it. I just wanted to acknowledge that. What did you say, sir?

[MAN SHOUTlNG] Pimp in distress!

Yes, pimp in distress. 10-32. I know my hairdresser is quite frustrated. I done sweated out every goddamn curl that bitch put in, just 38 seconds. [WOMAN SHOUTlNG] Braid it!


Hairdressers be throwing out gang signs in Cincinnati. Yo. What y’all got, like, 100 hair salons? WOMAN: Yeah. What’s the name of the best one?


No, that just where you go. That’s just where you go. All right, I gotta say this. I want you to know before I say this that a third of the n i g g a s in here are not going to be happy about what the fuck I’m getting ready to say. But I want you know that I have been this size all of my life, which means I’m not scared of shit, n i g g a. I’ve been unconscious before, and it wasn’t that bad. I woke up in the club, n i g g a, I was well rested and everything. Start talking shit, “Well, where’s the n i g g a now? “N i g g a can’t get a power nap in this bitch?” And remember that this is just my opinion. As far as I’m concerned, there only two types of n i g g a s, real n i g g a s and bitch n i g g a s. Now… Now, if you’re not sure where you fit in, chances are you’s a bitch n i g g a. You really are. If you look around, there’s people looking at you right now talking about, “What is that bitch n i g g a smiling about?” But as real n i g g a s, we have always known that there were bitch n i g g a s. We see them in the mall all the time. They be waving, and you be, like, “What is this bitch n i g g a waving at?” But now bitch n i g g a s are becoming a problem for real n i g g a s. Bitch n i g g a s are now starting to cost real n i g g a s money. You see, there are more lesbians now than there have ever been. And most of that is the fault of bitch n i g g a s. You can’t blame her. She been with bitch n i g g a after bitch n i g g a after bitch n i g g a after bitch n i g g a. And finally she, like, “Why don’t I just be with a bitch, n i g g a?” And you can’t blame her. You can’t blame her. But bitch n i g g a s don’t respect women at all. They don’t understand this is not 1996. “I’m gonna get mine. I hope you get yours.” If a woman should be so kind as to offer you some pussy, it is your obligation to fuck the shit out of her at every opportunity that you get. Ah, but the bitch n i g g a don’t get it. And the bitch n i g g a is starting to cost real n i g g a s money now. ‘Cause now you done went over her house and fucked it up. And now, before you can get in your car, she is already on the phone with a real n i g g a. Now this n i g g a got to get up out his bed, go all the way across Cincinnati to fix some shit you didn’t have no business fucking with, with your bitch ass in the first place, and gas prices are too high for that type of shit. Now… Now, I know that there are some real n i g g a s in the audience right now who are mad at me right now, ’cause they don’t understand why I’m wasting my time and my breath talking to bitch n i g g a s. But what you don’t understand is you don’t have to be a bitch n i g g a all your life. After the show you can get with one of these real n i g g a s in the audience and let them tutor you on Mondays and Wednesdays and Fridays, till you get some of that bitch out your uterus. Now, listen to me carefully, if you would, bitch n i g g a s. The first thing you need to understand, bitch n i g g a… See the bitch n i g g a s paying attention? The first thing you need to understand, bitch n i g g a s, is the first nut is slippery. It’s not just you. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes the first nut just has a mind of its own. You can have the best intentions in the world, just… “I’m gonna fuck the shit out of… Ah, hell no. I don’t believe this shit.” Now, if you’re a real n i g g a, you’d never even let her know what just happened. You just, “You are not ready yet. You are not ready yet. “I’m gonna eat your pussy again. I’m gonna eat your pussy again. “You are not ready for this.” There’s some women in here mad, right now. “ls that what he was doing?” Yes, you are fucking with a real n i g g a. Now, since you know that the first nut is slippery, it is your obligation to get that motherfucker out the way before you get to her house. You need to be on the highway working that motherfucker out. Just… That way, by the time you get to her house, you are already on nut number two. And I think I speak for all real n i g g a s in attendance today when I say there is nothing more powerful than arriving at her house already on nut number two. You don’t be bullshitting. You just, “Go on and lay down. Go on and lay down.” “You might want to wrap your hair up this evening. “You might want to wrap your hair up.” Now, listen to me carefully, if you would, bitch n i g g a s. Now, once you have put on your condom and you are safely inside, the only word that should be in your head is “concentration”. You don’t have time to be looking in her eyes and caressing her softly and smelling that raspberry shit she got from Bed, Bath & Beyond. You need to be looking at everything in her house but her. Just keep your focus. Just… Sing a little song to yourself off-key to keep you focused. Just… A, B, C, D, E, F, G Now listen carefully, bitch n i g g a, If you feel it starting to slip away, remember that this is a one-man sport. You make all the rules. Do not be ashamed to get out of the pussy and get yourself together if you feel it’s starting to slip away. Just, A, B, C, D E, F, G, H, I Pay attention to me, if you would, bitch n i g g a. Now, I know… I know, because I’m moving so quickly, I haven’t had time to talk about eating the pussy, and I know that that makes the bitch n i g g a think that maybe you don’t have to do it. But, see, it’s that type of thinking right there that qualifies you to be a bitch n i g g a in the first place. Yeah, see, yeah, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I… See, real n i g g a s know something that bitch n i g g a s have never ever found out. Oh, it’s so quiet right now, you could hear a bitch n i g g a drop, ain’t it? See, real n i g g a s know I’m not eating the pussy for you. Oh, no. No, no. [SPEAKlNG GlBBERlSH] Holler it out, then. If you understand what I’m saying. I’m not eating the pussy for you. I’m eating the pussy for me. See, I don’t need the pussy. I know for a fact you already came twice. I felt you when you clenched up on the motherfucker and damn near suffocated me. Now I have the rare opportunity of surprising you with the dick. You forgot all about the dick. You just… “You brought dick, too? “Oh, my God, girl. This n i g g a brought dick, too.” Pay attention to me, if you would, bitch n i g g a. Now, once you’ve been doing it correctly for about 27 and three-quarter minutes, you are going to start to feel a pain in your side Iike you been exercising. Now, I know that this is ordinarily where the bitch n i g g a just go on and call it a day, but if you can manage to fuck through the pain… See, she don’t know you in pain. She think you a genius and are hitting it from the side. So continue to hit through the pain, because 14 minutes after that, your body is going to go into autopilot. And I think I speak for all real n i g g a s in attendance today when I say there is nothing more wonderful than feeling your body go into autopilot. ‘Cause now you got time to have fun with her. You got time to enjoy yourself. You got time to do stupid shit like look at your own dick. Now, look around at the confused look on the bitch n i g g a’s face right now. I think I speak for all real n i g g a s in attendance today when I say there’s nothing more wonderful than looking at your own dick. You just see that motherfucker, just… Some of you n i g g a s can’t do it no way, ’cause you got to be so close on the pussy. You just… Y’all been all that. I’m Katt. Thanks for the time. The show was great. I did not stop laughing at all.

It was hilarious.

I enjoyed… Two thumbs up. Double thumbs up. It was very funny. Hilarious. It was a good show.

Just couldn’t believe it.

Definitely enjoyed… Hey, Katt Williams, he the next truth. All right? Understand that. So every time you hear he coming to your city, you need to buy tickets. If you don’t buy tickets, you gonna hear about it. We loved the show. It was great. Everything was wonderful. And plus, you’re a beautiful woman, so that made us love it more. It was all good. I’m a rapper. Plus, I’m a rapper, though. Oh, the show was outstanding, man. We’ll come back anytime. Had a great time. That motherfucker funny, dawg. Fuck it. My man Katt Williams is the best. Had a good time tonight, me and my family. We had a wonderful time at the comedy spot. God bless you, my n i g g a. Keep doing the work. Thought the show was hilarious, Katt. Everybody else that performed tonight, it was real, you know, real entertaining. I loved it. Pretty much that’s it. It was fun. It was good. It was good. He was real good. He was really good. He was very, very funny. He’s different from the movies. He’s gonna be an up-and-rising big-star comedian. He’s good. Very good. Most definitely the best comic view I done seen in a minute. He tricked me. ’cause I didn’t know he was that good. The man is excellent. Everybody check him out for sure. It was wonderful. I really did enjoy myself, you know. I had a few Budweisers, had to keep coming in and out. but every time I made it back in, I was always laughing. You know what I’m saying? It was a good show. He looked good, had on… Was it the A1s? A1s? No, they weren’t the A1s. Those were the Als. It was… Them was the Jordans. Yeah, the special editions, the XlXs. Okay, okay, okay. The show was great. You couldn’t… You know, you gotta see it. They were really, really good. Everything was original. It was great. It was really, really great. I got a mother on the block. Hey. Right, yeah, it was real good. Yeah, I had a good time. I enjoyed myself. It felt good to see somebody from Cincinnati coming back and give us something back, yeah. And I am from Avondale, too, so… It felt good to see somebody making a comeback. Here’s where I was born. Christ Hospital. Right here. Yeah. Nineteen hours. That’s how long my mama was in labor. Nineteen hours. And I still didn’t come out. I had a twin brother, and me and him was fighting. It was a fight till death and I choked him with my umbilical cord. That’s what I thought. Later on I found out I was born without an umbilical cord, so I can’t really tell you what I choked him with. But I will tell you he died a painful death. And that’s why, as most comedians will tell you, whether they like me or not, I’m stronger than the average man. I’m twice the comedian your favorite comedian probably is, and that’s ’cause I’m really twins. You got the story right here at the foot of historic Christ Hospital. This is where it all happened. I can remember this. I was here since I was five months, so, you know, the memories are flooding in on me right now. I believe I stood right here as a baby. I think I fell right… Hold on. Hold on. It’s coming to me now. If you look on that sign over there it says, “Kennedy Plaza. Includes heat and water.” So you know you’re moving up. When you come here, you got heat and water from the beginning. Then there’s a sign over there that say, “No trespassing, except residents and guests.” So unless you live here, or are visiting, because… [Dog whining] Here come what? Ladies and gentlemen, you will only see this in a black neighborhood. Hey, there. Hold on. This is why black people don’t buy dogs. You ain’t got to buy no dog. You see the dog just walked up here? It’s a fine dog. Sit. He’s trained. Look at him, watch. Sit. Yeah, he’s sitting. See that? This is a beautiful dog. That’s a premium shepherd. -Look at that. Did he sit?

Cameraman: He did. This is trained. This is why black people don’t have to buy dogs. ‘Cause they will run up to you. Let’s… Are you hungry, by the way? Yeah. Yeah, come on. Let’s find out where you belong. Let’s go. Never a dull moment in the hood. Come on, boy. Let’s find out where you belong. It’s so sad. Where you belong, huh? Where you belong? Anybody lose a dog? We’ll have to chain this dog to the fire hose, to the fire department water-fountain thing. There you go. It’s the best you can do. What else am I supposed to do, hmm? We’re here live in Cincinnati. We’re getting ready to go to the place that I lived when I was two years old. Now, I could lie and tell you I remember it, but I don’t. I remember didn’t nobody ever feed me. I was hungry all the time. I was two years old, eating chili. And it was spicy for a baby. A baby is not supposed to eat chili. But they fed me chili, and that’s how I grew up big and strong right here on these streets. So, we gonna walk around. We gonna see what’s out here. Be very careful. Be very afraid. We might see a pit bull, a German shepherd, a crackhead. Ain’t no telling what we might find on these streets today. We come here to play ball. [Shouting]

DJ: How did you get into the business? It was in Tampa, Florida, and, um, I was, like, the only black guy in the whole town. It was right outside of Tampa in a place called Ruskin. And so I just did five minutes talking about me being the only member of the black community. That the whole black community was me. And that people would drive by and show their friends the black community. So… But I only had five minutes, and I only needed five minutes. So it worked out well. Well, there’s only one way. I mean, you… Obviously, you have to think that you are funny going in, but the audience is the judge. It’s not hard to become a comedian at all. You can walk on stage and get booed off stage, and still call yourself a comic. What’s hard is becoming one of the great ones. So, I already knew that we were facing a touchy situation. On the other hand, you know, I’m not affiliated with the government. I get to come in as an innocent bystander in the whole thing. I’m not… I’m not crossing your line. I’m not crossing this line. Billy Cunningham. My guest for the next segment is the honorable actor/comedian Katt Williams, starring in a comedy special in Cincinnati, September 25, to be filmed for TV and DVD. Katt Williams, welcome to the Bill Cunningham show. Thank you, sir. 700 WLW. I understand you were born in Cincinnati, and now I’m holding a proclamation.

This is unbelievable.

Is that unbelievable?

I don’t have my own day, but you do.

Yes. “The mayor of the City of Cincinnati does hereby declare September 24, which is today, “as Katt Williams Day.” What did you do to get this, if anything? …he was down here and I promised him the next time he comes back to the city that I was going to make sure that I give him a key. Well, unfortunately, the city ran out of keys, but, as I promised your assistant, that when they come in I am going to mail them. But since we can’t give you a key, what we have done is decided -to give you a proclamation.

Much better. And we’re going to proclaim this your day.

Billy: What does it mean when you get a day? What does this mean? You get to speed? You get to pick up girls? What does this exactly mean?

Katt: Well, I was doing those on the other days, so I was hoping that it still continues.

Billy: This is something special, then? I’m gonna read a couple of lines. I’ll put on my glasses in case I tear up. Exactly. Can we have a napkin, please? Tissue. “Whereas Katt Williams was born in Cincinnati, Ohio on September 2.” That’s a… September 2. I share the same month. My birthday is on Sunday, so I’m going to be celebrating, bringing your birthday in. And I know Jill’s birthday is tomorrow, so it’s great to have many September birthdays this month. “Do hereby proclaim -“that in Cincinnati, September 24…

That’s right. “…and on behalf of the Mayor and its over 300,000 citizens, “do hereby proclaim Katt Williams Day.”

[Crowd cheering and applauding]

That’s beautiful. See that? Look at that. Oh, I’m so proud right now. This is my day. I’m gonna be doing some… Misdemeanors is happening today.

[Crowd cheering]

That is such an honor, really, for him to come here today. It is. But, you know, I always try to look at the positive things and not the negative things. And it’s truly an honor to have him here today and really try and overlook… And moving forward to the new and improved Cincinnati. Bye. See you later.

Chris: You know, I applaud you for that, especially remembering home. A lot of people don’t. They kind of leave where they say they’re from, and then they never want to come back and give back, which is good ’cause you bringing in some healing, ’cause I… Comedy is healing to me. You know, when I want to go get something off my mind, I go to a comedy show.

Katt: Right. -You know, ’cause it makes you laugh. For you to come here and bring some healing, that’s, like, wow.

You should be applauded for that.

I appreciate that. Yeah, I mean, I can’t fix the problems. I just got some Bactine and some Band-Aids. That’s my job. I can’t heal you, but I can put a little… I can put a little salve on it for a second.


2 thoughts on “Katt Williams: Live (2006) | Transcript”

    1. First off I have been trying to have a real one on one conversation with you. I am never sure who I am speaking to on here. And all this click and dagger shit is too much. I prefer direct one on one conversations. How else can a person make correct educated decisions on something. I know I have had tons of cars falling me for days I have had enough the same cars followed my from hayesville to Asheville and then pick right back up in the morning and flowed me again I’m done woth the bullshit. That’s all I am going to dmsay because again i have no idea who I am speaking to. My family has fucked me my work has fucked me I’m broke homeless filthy and just plain sick and tired of this BS and I am ready to snap. In just done

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