Katherine Ryan: In Trouble (2017) | Transcript

Relax. Relax. Whoa. Whoa. Relax. Relax. Shh. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, she’s a strong, confident, black woman. It’s Katherine Ryan!

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Yes, thank you. This is so amazing, the Eventim Apollo. OMG. I’ve been living in the U.K. for a very long time, and I used to be an unwelcome surprise on a mixed bill, and now I can see that at least a third of you have come to see me on purpose. I was just a little girl when I moved here, and look at me now. I’m full-blown Caitlyn Jenner, and it feels good. It feels so great. I spent so long wanting to look like one of the Kardashians, I don’t even give a fuck it’s the dad. I’ll take it. I’ll take it. She is a majestic hero.

I see some of you are taking pictures. The venue will have told you not to do that, but you can. I did not get dressed up by fucking accident, okay? Take a lot. Facetune them. Try not to use the flash. Try not to use the flash, sir. There we go. Let’s just stop for you. Thank you.

How old are you little girls? Twenty-four. And this one? Twenty-three! You’re 23 and 24. Oh, my gosh. I thought you were, like, little baby teenagers. Well done. You giggle like teenagers. Why are you acting like that? Do you think I’m a footballer? I’m not. Gorgeous, gorgeous. A lot of young women really respond to my style. Do we have any teenage girls in? Sir, you’re not on the Internet. We can see you. – You’ve brought a teenager with you? – Yeah. Like… Like, for ransom, she’s here. Are you her? Are you her? I’m her father. Okay, thank fuck for that. He’s her father. So, you brought your daughter out tonight. And how old is your teenage daughter? – I’m 17. – You’re 17! Well done. Listen, she has her own voice. She’s, like, “I can speak for myself! I’m 17 years old!” Good for you. So, like, a daddy-daughter night out. Well done. What do you, mean, like… no? Well, my mum doesn’t quite get what you do sometimes. Oh. She just very nicely told me that her mom hates everything I do. And sure, that’s fine. That’s cool, thank you. Well, sweetheart, if we all liked the same thing, we’d all be married to your father. That’s cool. I think it’s really great that you brought your 17-year-old. – What’s your name? – Lara. Lara. I love her great, big voice. Lara is here with her dad.

I’ve been on tour for a while, as I mentioned, and a couple came up to me, and they were, like… “Our teenage daughter really likes you, and we’re very glad that we did not bring her.” I was, like… “All right, why didn’t you bring her?” They’re, like, “Well, she’s 14, and after having seen what you do, we’re very pleased we left her at home.” And I’m, like, “Well, she’s sucking dick at home. But go on.” Isn’t she? Lara’s, like, “Yeah, yeah.” And you left Mum at home. My daughter is here as well. And she doesn’t listen to everything, but I do use some naughty words, and on the surface, that can sound, like, really bad. But I don’t think those kinds of words are bad. I have a lot of powerful messages. Don’t I, Lara? That’s why she’s here. Yeah. I care about Lara. Lara’s my hero. Lara’s the future. And when I was your age, Lara, if someone spoke to me in a comedy show… First of all, I wouldn’t be in a comedy show. Secondly, I’d be, like, “Meow.” Like, I had no idea.

Do we have any women in who are over the age of 30? How dare you? How dare you? “I know. We should’ve killed ourselves five years ago.” You’re right. I’m 32 years old, and I love getting older. I think we grow in value with every day, not the other way around. Aging just means you didn’t die. But if you have to, if you insist upon growing beyond the age of 18, you can get away with it if you just look and act like a baby. Okay? So, like, just talk like a baby. Like, do this voice even though you’re 45. And shrink yourself. That’s what dieting is. We want you to be smaller so that you take up less space. That’s not your space. What if a man wants to golf in it? Are any women in the Apollo tonight with younger men? All of us. Look at… Well done. Well done. You will see women who are with younger men, but I promise that happened by accident, and it will not be a big age difference. It is a mistake to think we seek it out, like it’s a badge of honor. We’re not out in the clubs, like, “Hmm. Who can I find to do everything for and teach everything to? Ooh. I am not busy enough.” No. We do not have time to make an extra packed lunch every morning.

I recently went home with a 25-year-old. Whoo! I know. Ew. No, it was weird. I have not been with a 25-year-old since I was… well, 14. But… Accidentally, I fell in love with him, but it was over very quickly. He said something insane. He said to me, “Katherine, did you know Titanic was based on a true story?” I was, like, “Get out.” And that was it. That was it. But another thing I’ve learned about myself, getting older, is that I shouldn’t be in a relationship. That’s not for all of us. Do we have any single people in? Well done. See? They’re not sad. I go on dates now, and that’s okay, but I’ve learned not to settle down with anyone, because I have a tendency to settle down with very, very terrible sex-piratey men. Like, really… Like, the kind of dudes blind dogs bark at, you know? You know? Don’t do this, by the way, because you’re hurting your parents if you do. That’s who suffers. My dad is a pretty good guy. He’s done nothing wrong. But he looks at my choices, like, “What the fuck? Did I molest her and forget? Who’s this bitch mad at? If you figure it out, let me know.”

And I believe that there are wonderful men in the world. Give me a cheer if you’re a wonderful man. Good, good. Well done, lads. I dated a Jewish man at the beginning of the year. Accidentally, I fell in love with him. And then he split up with me… I know, with me… simply because I’m not Jewish. What? I genuinely did not know that religions still behaved that way. What? I’m a blond-haired, blue-eyed, white, middle-class woman in 2016. I am entitled to everything. It is not okay for his people to treat me the way my people quite enjoy treating everyone else. He said, “My parents don’t approve of you, Katherine.” Oh! He said, “We have no future. What if we were to have a baby? I imagine you would not consent to having that baby circumcised.” And I was, like, “Why are you imagining the dicks of babies we don’t have?” But you know what? He’s right. I probably wouldn’t. And that’s not very North American of me. He highlighted one of the many ways that I’ve changed, living among you. Back home in North America, Jewish or not, all the men are routinely circumcised. I checked that myself. And here, it’s just not the done thing, is it? He said, “Well, Katherine, you could have a chance with this if you abandoned your beliefs and your culture, everything that you grew up with. If you just converted and you were Jewish as well, then maybe we could be together.” And I considered it, and I said, “Well, would that mean giving up Christmas?” He’s, like, “Yeah, Katherine, obviously it would.” And I was, like, “So, you think you got a dick better than Christmas?! No, no, no, no. Mate, I’ve seen a lot of dicks in my day. I’ve seen a few Easter-level dicks, maybe. Maybe. I’ve seen a lot of Halloween dicks. You don’t want to go anywhere near those. I’ve not seen any Christmas dicks. Not one.” And now, through no fault of my own, I’ve got to walk around having… like, a problem with Jews. I don’t want that. I’m a very progressive person. And of course not, I don’t hate all Jews. But I hate one Jew, and that’s how it starts, isn’t it? It’s very disappointing. It’s sad, because I think I’m a very nice girl, but my comedy has been described as kind of nasty. I’m like… They say I’m Joan Rivers, but older. And that hurts. Because parts of her are younger. And hey, that lady got exactly what she wanted from her final surgery: To stop aging. So, why are we sad? Why are we sad? Finally, she nailed it. Good to know.

I know what you’ve read about American comedian Bill Cosby. And it’s something that we talk about within the comedy community, something certainly that I talk about as a woman. And I understand why he’s confused. You see him going into the courtroom, accused of sexual assault charges. And he’s so confused, like: “I don’t understand it. All my friends were raping people.” He doesn’t know. Because I know you’re all very young, you’re very gorgeous, but Bill Cosby was just raping people back when it was frowned upon. Do you remember? Does anyone remember the good old days when it was, like, “Try not to rape anyone. Definitely don’t jump out of the bushes and rape someone.” If you have to rape someone, just be famous and make it look like it was her fault. Hugh Hefner must be shitting himself. And not just because he’s 95 years old. You cannot ask Bill Cosby if he’s a rapist. He hates that. I’m trying to get to the bottom of this. But if you ask Bill Cosby if he raped those women in an interview, he will storm out of the interview. This is something I’ve learned, though, on tour. Watch this. Gentlemen, hello. Thank you for sitting in front. Looking gorge. Have you ever raped anyone? No. Smiling. He’s an angel. Of course not. Have you ever raped anyone, sir? No. Have you ever raped anyone? Have you ever raped anyone? Madam, have you ever… No. Have you ever raped anyone, madam? Have you ever raped anyone? Are the two of you together? That’s nice. Ever raped anyone as a couple? Because that happens. No? You ever raped anyone? Great, thank you. Well done. Neither have I. You know who hates being asked if they’re a rapist, though? Rapists. They don’t like it. I’m sorry for what I had to ask you, but what you just witnessed was a CRB check. They did not storm out. It’s just a clue.

I’m not a policeman. I’ve never pretended… All right, one time I pretended to be a policeman. But the Manitowoc County needed me to leave a key and skedaddle. I did that. I did that for them. But on a serious note, a lot of the women who were allegedly assaulted by Mr. Cosby were strong, powerful, beautiful black women like me. And… And when asked, “Why didn’t you say anything?” Ha! In addition to the many reasons why victims don’t come forward, these women were, like, “Hang on a minute. Look at the times.” Because it didn’t happen today. Though it still happens today. Free Kesha. They were, like, “It happened…” It happened a very long time ago, when these were struggling, young, black actresses in America, and Mr. Cosby, a black man in the ’80s there, was dominating television. They said, “I didn’t really feel like it was in my greater interest to bring that man down.” And I have to tell you, on some level, as a female comedian, I kind of get that. Tina Fey could be raping me now, and I would tell no one. Amy Schumer could be wearing me like a watch, and I’d just be, like… Shit. Thank you… for everything that you do for women in our industry.

Guys, I’ve been on tour for a year now in the U.K., and this is the last stop. And it’s so amazing, because I get to choose some of my very favorite comedians and ask them nicely if they’ll support me on tour. And that makes me a hero. It really does. Taylor Swift does that when she’s on tour. I’m like Taylor Swift, but with a soul. I know. Do we have any Taylor Swift fans in? Yeah! Of course we are! Of course we love her. Shake it off. Taylor Swift… Taylor is all about the fans, isn’t she? She’s all about the sisterhood. Except if you follow Taylor Swift on Instagram, as I do, you will notice that sisterhood is limited to Victoria’s Secret models. And Lena Dunham, for some reason. She’s an incredible woman, but she sticks out. Victoria’s Secret model, Victoria’s Secret model, Taylor Swift, Victoria’s Secret model, Lena Dunham, oh, no. What’s she there for? It’s because Taylor Swift doesn’t care about us. She doesn’t actually want to be our friend. That is an insurance policy for her Girl Squad. If I was ever in a room with Taylor Swift and I got a chance to be, like, “Taylor! Can I be friends with you?” She’d be, like, “Eww, no. I’m already friends with one human woman. Get her, Lena. Gross. Gross!”
Taylor Swift’s the boss. She’s the gatekeeper of the most exquisite pussy in America. But she’s not perfect. Nobody’s perfect. I knew that Taylor Swift would mess up if I watched her, so I did watch her… like a psycho. And then, a few months ago, Nicki Minaj, a very curvaceous black rapper… “Anaconda.” Are you a fan? I knew it. Yes. She tweeted, “I think I would have been nominated for more awards this year if the women in my videos were slim.” Hmm. And, essentially, white. And Taylor Swift, friend to all women, tweeted, “Hey, Nicki, I have always supported you. When I win, you can come onstage with me.” I was, like, “Hmm, your white privilege is showing.” What has Nicki Minaj accomplished in her own right? Very deserving of her own awards. What is she supposed to say? “Thank you”? “Oh, th-th-thank you, Taylor Swift! That’s ever so kind of you, ma’am. No, no, I don’t know. I don’t know if I got no business up here on stage. In front of all these white folk. No, I better hurry up. I gotta finish the laundry before your daddy get home.” But maybe she just made a mistake. She’s just a little baby, born in 1989. Maybe I’d be saying stuff like that if I, too, was from Louisiana.

Do we have any Americans in, by the way? That’s what they sound like. You hear it? “Texas! Welcome.” America is a terrifying place. America is a terrifying place. Especially when this goes out. We either have a female president, or we’re in the middle of a world war. I kind of think America should vote for Donald Trump at this point. I think that’s the president America deserves. I’m not gonna lie. And I’m from Canada. A lot of Americans… Oh, do we have any Canadians in? Or have you just heard of it? Look, look, look, boys. Do you know that Americans are saying they’re gonna sneak into our country? I mean, they don’t say “sneak.” Americans think they can just come in, like we have no immigration policy whatsoever. Like we’d be glad to have them. It’d be very difficult at border control to smuggle an American into a country. You’d hear a very proud but muscled “Florida State!” from under the truck. Shh. Donald Trump has made refugees of his own people by hating refugees. Some Canadians think that we should copy Donald Trump and build our own wall. And I don’t know about that, but Americans are not even as physically fit as Mexicans. It wouldn’t need to be a high wall. There you go. A sea bump should do it. They’re, like, “Oh, never mind.” But welcome, to the Americans. They’re the ones that got out. Welcome to the show. It’s so nice to see you here. Welcome. My name is TV’s Katherine Ryan, and it’s so amazing to be here. I’ve been away from home a really long time, but I have to go back because my baby sister is getting married. Ooh! And it’s about time. Tick-tock. She’s 25 years old. She’s an old spinster in my hometown, perhaps the oldest single woman left. I’m from Canada, which sounds lovely, but I’m from a terrible part of Canada. Let me ask you this: Has anyone traveled to Canada? Well done. You all went together. Where did you go, sir? – Toronto. – Toronto. And what did you do there? – Went out. – Went out? All right. No need to be hostile. Were you there for business or pleasure? You were there on holiday. Did you go in the winter? – Summer. – Summer. Gorgeous. You must’ve done so many things in the city. Go to the top of the Tower and look down like a fucking giant. You’re pretty big anyway. Do you work out? – No. – No. Good. Are you very tall? – Six-four. – Six-foot-four. I knew it. There’s some big men around here. You must do some training, like, for a zombie apocalypse. That’s what it looks like. You’re just big naturally? Your mother fucked a steroid. That’s all it took. That’s good. I wish I was tall like that. Do you come Gatorade without working out? No. I’m just curious. This is why I’m alone, by the way. This is it. I don’t mean to do it. – What’s your name? – Adrian. Adrian. Do you know I went home with a guy in Edinburgh a couple of weeks ago. ♪ About a week ago ♪ Has anyone been to Edinburgh? Yeah. Really nice, tall men there. I went home with him, and then he didn’t call me for three days. I’m not asking you to find him and kill him. But on the third day, I rang him, didn’t I? Like, “What the fuck is up?” Just really chill. And I think what had happened is I’d given him a too-aggressive blowjob, Adrian. Well, it’s not my fault, because the guy before was just really, like, one of these sex pirates, and he had… like, a dead dick. You could slam it in a door and he felt nothing. And we learn to be more aggressive with those. And so, I was, like, “Why haven’t you called me?” And he was, like, “Oh, I’m really sorry.

I was in Loch Ness with my friends, searching for the Loch Ness Monster…” an excuse that I accepted. And I could’ve just had a normal interaction. I could’ve retained some dignity and put the phone down, but instead I heard myself, like, from the heavens, saying, “Oh, the Loch Ness Monster. So, you’ll chase a myth, but not a legend?” I said that. Who says that? There’s no way. Anyway, I’m working right now, so I have to go over there. But I’m glad that we could share this secret. Has anyone else traveled to Canada? – Where’d you go? – Vancouver. Vancouver. That’s the really pretty bit. Has anyone else been there? That’s the bit that we put on the posters. Did you see whales? – You didn’t see any whales? – We went up Grouse Mountain. – But you went up Grass Mountain? – Grouse Mountain. Grouse Mountain? Oh, they smoke a lot of drugs there. I thought they had, like, a grass mountain, and they’re, like, “Come and climb our grass mountain.” Mountains. See, I’m from nowhere like that. I’m from a part of Canada that’s almost America. It’s right on the bottom. Has anyone traveled to Sarnia? You have traveled to Sarnia? Or are you just cheering because it sounds like Narnia, but with more sandwiches? Right? Sarnia is a terrible, horrible place. A lot of people are proud of their hometown. Sarnia is a terrible, horrible, awful place. I just want to double down on that and make it very clear. We have the biggest petrochemical plant in all of North America. I know. And it pours poison into the air and into the sea, but officially, it’s very safe. It is. The owner of the plant, Mr. Burns, tells us all the time. Health and safety there is excellent. We are the teen cancer, teen suicide and teen pregnancy capital of Canada. Thank you. I know. We nearly lost teen suicide. We’re near to St. Catharines. But then they had a really nice summer, and we won. And I’m a prick, because I left my baby sister there. I mean, my parents had other children. By “other children,” I mean Joanne, but nobody likes Joanne. Everybody has a Joanne in their family. Joanne went away as well, but she went to the west coast. Not Vancouver, but she went up into the mountains of Kelowna. Has anyone been there? Oh. Oh, it’s beautiful, isn’t it? Joanne belongs there, because she’s the most Canadian person I’ve ever met, eh? Oh, yeah. Joanne walks like this all the time. Doesn’t have a horse. Just walks this way. Joanne lives up in the mountains with her Canadian rock musician husband. A Canadian rock musician is like a Christian rock musician without a reason for sucking, by the way. Joanne loves the planet. She loves the whole planet. So, she makes all her own clothes on a loom, eh? Oh, yeah, yeah. Joanne has no TV, man. She has no phone. So, I’m not really in contact with Joanne. But if you happen to see her, do tell her from me she is not a fucking bear. I have no idea where Joanne came from. The most logical explanation I have is that Mum cheated on Dad with a granola bar. We don’t know. Something we have all tried. But the baby, Kerrie… Kerrie and I were thick as thieves. I mean, we were thieves. And she’s very thick, but I say that in the nicest way. Everybody always liked Kerrie growing up in Sarnia. Everyone hated me. Kerrie was far more beautiful, far less weird, but we got on, even though we were different. And this is one of the ways that we’re different. So, in year two growing up in Sarnia, you had to write your academic goals for the year, and mine was: “To be the first female Prime Minister to win an Academy Award.” I have no idea why they beat me up every day. And Kerrie’s was: “Not to get hit in the head with a football.” So… neither one of us achieved our academic goals that year, but we both aimed high. And I think what kept us friends is we had a lot of games that we played, before things like iPads. And do you have the game Relax in the U.K.? Do you play Relax? Okay, so, what it is is I would see Kerrie at any point around the house, and if I wanted to play, I would say, “Hey, Kerrie, relax.” And she’d be, like, “I’m already relaxed.” And I’d be, like, “Whoa. Whoa. Relax.” She’d be, like, “Kat, what are you doing?” I’m, like, “Relax, relax. You’ve got to relax.” She’d be, like, “I could not be more relaxed.” I’d be, like, “Shh. Relax.” She’d be, like, “Katherine! I am already relaxed!” At which point my dad… who’s very big and mean and Irish and didn’t let us shout in the house… he’d come stomping up the stairs, like, “Who’s shouting in the house?” And she’d be, like… “Well, Katherine… told me… to relax.” And he’d be, like, “Well, look at you. You should relax.” And she’d be punished. It’s a great game. Oh, you do know it. Yeah. Hours and days and, like, years of fun playing Relax. And now, for no reason whatsoever, Kerrie has aligned herself with my enemies. I went home for the hen do. I’m the maid of honor. Of course I am. But the other bridesmaids are the same girls who tried to ruin my life when we were in school. Now, it’s very difficult to ruin the life of a child who’s got the confidence of an 89-year-old man. But it doesn’t stop them trying. So, this was in the days before, like, cyber-bullying. These kids made a newspaper, which they copied and distributed, and inside, it slagged off my friends. But on the cover was a picture of me next to a picture of a camel, and it said, “Thank God for makeup.” Yeah, insinuating that I look like a camel, when I feel I’ve always looked like a horse. I don’t know why they had to bring the Middle East into it. They’ve been through enough. Except when I wear a topknot, girls, and then I am a unicorn. Hey. It didn’t bother me. If anything, I thought they could’ve made the headline stronger. If you want to go with camel, then be, like, “Camel, head to toe.” Like, something… Like… Kids would’ve loved that. So, my friends were wounded because they were in this newspaper. They ran home crying. I went about my 89-year-old day. And the headmaster dragged me into his office. The entire suicide prevention squad were there. And he was, like, “Katherine, we are most worried about you, eh? Because you are the only one who appears to be not upset.” They thought I was, like, planning a school shooting. That’s fine. And I had to tell him, “Sir, no. It’s just that I ran out of fucks to give in the spring of ’85. Like, I just don’t care.” Yes. My fuck budget is low. And I wish this for all of you. Of course there are things you should care about: Your morals and yourself and your family. But the rest is just nothing, and I’m so blessed to have this outlook, because I get to do British panel shows. God bless the British panel shows. They are the reason I eat. But… Sorry about all those. But I did one a year ago, and the game was: Name unlikely things to hear from a cosmetics company. And I don’t know why, but I said, “We don’t test our products on animals. We use Filipino children instead.” Now, of course you know I was not aiming this at Filipino children, or at any children. I was just trying to make a point about child labor. Because, see, I have a Canada Goose jacket. Has anyone else got a really warm winter jacket? You need it. You need to get involved. But in London, people will come up to me in the street and tell me that I’m a prick for wearing it. They’ll be, like, “Did you know the hood is made from dead coyotes?” And I’m, like, “What am I gonna do with a live coyote?” Because… “Mama gotta stay warm.” And I know the world that we live in, and I know that I’m a prick for wearing fur, but right now it’s not illegal. It’s just frowned upon. Make hay while the sun shines. Yes, one day, I will be walking into a courtroom, confused, like, “But all of my friends had Canada Goose jackets. What? It’s not like I jumped out of the bushes and attacked those geese myself. They were just in the shop, asking to be bought. Don’t you think they would want to be worn by someone on television?” Don’t come after me for wearing a fur jacket if yours cost £6 and you have 30 in your closet, because I promise a child made those. We’re all pricks. But I what I learned from this experience is that the Filipino culture is one that shares music and art and tiny clips of Mock the Week without context. And if one person has seen something in the Philippines, somehow every person in the Philippines has seen it. I was the dentist who killed Cecil the lion for two weeks in the Philippines. I was on CNN, and I got death threats. Like, not one or two. Hundreds of death threats every day directed at me, my family, my child, from people who were hurt because they were confused. And I know they were confused because they were, like, “You shut down your cosmetic company now!” And I was, like, “Never! It’s a family business!” I could’ve maybe reined it in. But during that time, Apollo, you won’t believe it. Joan Rivers herself spoke to me from down in heaven. I know. And she was, like, “Katherine, it is not your fault the Filipino people are as bad at understanding satire as they are at running from tsunamis.” And I was, like, “Holy shit! Oh, my God!” What a terrible bitch she was, right? It’s an example of the type of horrible joke that I would never tell. I don’t ever mean to hurt anybody. We tell our children, “Those bullies, they grow out of it.” No, some of them grow much stronger. I went home for the hen do, and those same girls I knew from school were there, and they were, like, “So, Katherine, we haven’t seen you in a long time. Where’s your husband?” And I was, like, “Oh, I don’t have a husband.” They were, like, “Oh, why? Did he die?” I was, like… “No, I’ve just never been married.” They were, like… “Where do you live?!” I was, like, “I live in the U.K.” They were, like, “Cool. Where’s that?” I was, like, “Don’t worry about it. I have a lovely daughter, and I get to travel around doing stand-up comedy.” They were, like, “What?! That’s so weird! Don’t do that. Like, that job is for a man, and nobody is ever gonna love you if you do it, because it shows how weird you are. Like, if you want someone to ever, ever love you, then you need to move home and be normal like us.” And I was, like, “Yeah, but you bitches aren’t normal. You’re ordinary. It’s different.” Thank you. Thanks, guys. But I get letters, not just death threats. Not bragging. I get letters exclusively from women who are worried that I’m single. I got one a while ago from a lady who must’ve been, like, 200 years old. She’d written it on stationary, beautiful calligraphy. It’s a dead art, kids. Get involved. And she wrote, “Dear Katherine, we saw your show, and we were very worried to hear that you’re single.” I was, like, “What? You say my show? Like, my whole… The bit about Cosby and the Jews and the whole Filipino thing. That was all fine with you. What made you want to write a letter is that I don’t have a boyfriend?” She went on to say, “My brother Ray is also single.” Oh, well, that’s why some of us are not in relationships. It’s not because we choose it. It’s ’cause we haven’t met Ray. She went on to offer me a date with Ray. “We’d be willing accompany Ray on the Megabus to London.” So, Ray needs a chaperone. And I don’t know everything, but I’m pretty sure the only time somebody takes a bus to meet someone they’ve seen on TV is to fucking kill them. So, I did not attend. But what winds me up is that men don’t get these letters. I work with a ton of men. Look at Leonardo DiCaprio. Famously single for years. Up until a few months ago, he and I had the same number of Oscars, and nobody is writing him. Nobody’s ever, like, “Dear Leonardo, we recently saw you muff-diving all those supermodels… on Taylor Swift’s yacht. And we were so worried. My brother Ray is also single.” Like, no. Nobody wants to fuck Ray. I dated an English actor this year. Ooh! Accidentally, I fell in love with him. And Englishmen, you are such gents. That’s part of what I love about living here. You’re such gentlemen. He took me to lunch, and in the middle of the meal, out of absolutely nowhere, he said, “Katherine, you have a beautiful asshole.” The hole. Like, not even, like, “your body.” They’re looking at the hole. I didn’t even know that he had seen it. I knew, of course, that he was in the general vicinity. At no point was I aware that he got such a well-lit… and detailed gaze… upon my asshole. The hole. Then, instead of looking away, as you or I would, girls, he focused in. He admired it for long enough that he was able to make a mental note to compliment me on it afterwards. Guys, I am a lady. So, I said, “Thank you,” hoping he had finished his poem. But there was more. He went on to say, “No, Katherine, really. Katherine, you have one of the top four assholes…” Strange number. “that I have ever seen.” I am trying to understand how minds work. If you want to rank things, fellas, then you do it, but don’t announce it, like, “Oh, you are any one of the top four…” That’s not mysterious at all. I know I’m not number one, don’t I? I knew I wasn’t even number two, or he would’ve been, like, “You have one of the best two…” No, top four means that my asshole… the hole… I might slip in the ranking. Top-four… I mean, asshole got an honorable mention from this prick. And I don’t know how to get on the podium. That’s not constructive criticism at all. I can’t even see it. It just messes with you. I’ve got to walk around in my life not knowing which three bitches I’ve got to kill. This actor, he wanted to go out of the house all the time. “Let’s dress sexy and get out of the house.” I was, like, “I can be sexy, if you like nights in and some opinions.” He did not. He was, like, “I think it’s time for us to be photographed together at an event.” I was, like, “Why? So I can be in one of those magazines? I found out I was dead on Facebook. There’s room in my dog’s grave for me. Then just, like, a picture of me and the TOWIE kids.” I didn’t want to go. I said, “I’m not going anywhere tonight. I got a new cordless vacuum. You know that.” I said, “If you want to be photographed at an event, why don’t you take one of those models that you usually date?” He was, like, “Well, Katherine, that’s the thing. I think it’d be very good for my image to be photographed with a woman who is not… traditionally pretty.” Ohh! I’m his Lena Dunham. What he failed to realize is that I love and adore Lena Dunham, and at Lara’s age, yes, I would’ve gone on the date. – Would you go on the date, Lara? – Yes. Yes?! You would go out with someone who’s, like, “I want to take you because you’re not so pretty”? You would have gone and, like, fucked up the date. I would’ve definitely gone. That’s called “negging,” by the way, when someone undermines your confidence just so they say one nice thing to you, and you’re, like, “Oh, all right. Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.” Don’t fall for that. Lara, now I’m twice your age and I’m someone’s mother, and you don’t mess with someone’s mother, because we know whose fault you are. Yeah, I called his mother. Yes, I did. I was, like, “Hello, Linda. Yes, it’s nice to speak to you again as well. Just want you to know I’m finished with your son, but you’re not, because you’ve managed to raise one of the top one assholes that I have ever met. Click.” Done. Gotta do it. We’re not afraid of each other. She’s just another bitch on the school run to me. And you don’t have to be a parent, certainly not. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. We don’t suffer from an under-population problem in this world. But if you choose to have children, just raise someone that other people don’t mind being around. That’s all you have to do. My daughter is six. Right now, I’ve just got to keep her hair out of her face, her hands out of her pants, and I’ve nailed the day. I don’t beat myself up. And I take Violet a lot of places. Recently I took her to a charity event, because I wanted her to see me helping… No. I took her because Prince Harry would be there, and I thought I had a better shot at meeting him with a six-year-old. That’s the truth. I’ll never lie to you. That’s the truth, and it worked. This… This was a wonderful charity, a youth homeless charity. They do amazing things throughout the U.K. But it was a sponsors event. You know what that means? It was full of really posh people. It was a polo match. The guest list looked like the Panama Papers. It was just, like, very… And in this country, I’ve noticed that posh people think that only other posh people are on their level and care about them. See, we don’t even have class in Canada. We genuinely don’t, right? We’ll eat chips and gravy off the floor. We’re, like… But we don’t have a class system, not like here. I tell you that, and it blows your mind. You’re, like, “How do you know who to be friends with?” We work it out. But they had a speaker, a young man who had been homeless himself. And posh people, like any of us, can become homeless at any time. That’s fine. Especially with the current government. But he gave no legitimate reason in the speech. He just looked amazing, three-piece suit, walked up to the microphone. He’s, like… “Hello. So, about a year ago, my parents were totally micromanaging my life. So, I left, and I stayed in summer homes and on friends’ couches.” I was, like, “Mate, unless the couch was outside a Tesco Metro and smelled of piss, that is not homeless. That’s visiting.” He’s, like, “Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be on a juice cleanse when you’re homeless? They withheld my trust fund.” Like, I looked around the room, just trying to find the eyes of anyone else who hated him. Nothing. They’re all, like, “Oh, sounds bad.” Finally, there’s silence in the room, just for a second as he took a drink, and my six-year-old loudly… as they do… goes, “Ugh! White people!” I was, like, “Yes! Yes.” I know. Because that’s what I teach in my home. And he wasn’t even white. So proud to have a child who could look beyond someone’s skin color, see the white inside of him… and hate it. We have too many pets, though. That’s something that will happen if you’re a single mum. We have two dogs, two cats and eight rabbits. In London, that’s too many pets. I only got the dogs… I figured they’d kill everyone else, but they’re all friends. It’s a nightmare. It’s like a Disney film, but with shitting. That’s my life. This is my life. I came home from tour. All I wanted was my bed, and one of the dogs had shat on my pillow… which is never an accident. And it nearly broke me. I was, like, whimpering. Like… And Violet came into the room. She saw what happened and said, “Oh, don’t worry, Mummy. That’s just their way of saying they hate you.” Yeah, I got that, thanks. She’s English. That’s your fault. She started talking like that. I thought she was just mocking you, and I laughed. But it is permanent. You have to introduce the news that you have a child at a very precarious time when you’re dating. Not too soon, certainly not too late. You’ve got to do it about the same time you would announce that you have a prosthetic leg. You know what I mean? I think there are two kinds of people: People who are, like, “No!” And people who are, like, “I will be that hero to help you.” I was, like, “I didn’t just get the leg. I’ve had it for six years. I can look after it without your help. All it means is that it takes me longer to get places.” One of the rabbits died, and I was very, very glad about that. Mama needs a new pair of gloves. It’s wrong, I know. And I had to be the man of the house. I hate to use that term, but I feel like it’s appropriate in this context. My mother was very often the man of the house. My dad was around, but my mother was the man… I just love to say that. And I’m still mothering her. My mum’s 60 years old. And she was your age, Lara, at a time when it was very difficult to be 17. Everywhere she went, just: “Whoo, baby! Whoo!” Slap on the ass. That was fine. Cosby’s running around. And what happens to a woman from that era? When she turns about 60, she becomes invisible. That’s certainly not what you are, but I know that that’s how it feels. And don’t get me wrong. I can’t wait. I’m gonna rob a bank. I have many plans. But I know that’s how it feels for Mum. Because people will still compliment you when you’re a woman “of a certain age,” but they do it in a weird way. They’ll be, like, “Oh, you have these grown children. You’re a grandmother. Well, you look fantastic… for your age.” And Mum’s, like, “For my… my… But I wasn’t supposed to age. I had them when I was 13.” I’m, like, “Don’t say that, you daft cow.” Because the men don’t lie, so now I’ve got to defend my father. I’m, like, “My dad’s not a pedo.” My sister’s, like, “Anymore.” She thinks it’s funny, but it’s not funny. It’s not funny at all. So, one of the rabbits died. I heard a little fracas in the next room. Like, a little… I think they were just playing too hard. I went in, and the dog and the rabbit had indeed been playing. And the rabbit was laying there. There was no blood, so I’m, like, “Is it dead? Is it sleeping? Damn you, Cosby!” I scooped it up. Cosby’s the dog’s name. He’s a hilarious Chocolate Lab. We got him before the accusations came out. How were we to know? Don’t name any pets after a man on television over the age of 60. It’s not safe. So, I present the rabbit to Violet, because she’s my master. I was, like, “I don’t know what we should do about this.” She’s, like, “Oh, Anthony! Anthony!” I named my child after a color, she gives bunnies human names. “I know what we must do, Mummy. We must take Anthony to the veterinarian’s.” Because I’ve never said no to this kid, two minutes later we’re on a bus with what I’m surer and surer is a dead rabbit. Like, it’s just in her arms, just in her arms. It hasn’t moved at all. Its eyes are open. She’s so cute, and the rabbit’s so cute. Of course people want to come and meet it. They’re, like, “What’s his name?” “What was his name?” Like, it’s dead. So, I thought, “All right, Katherine, pull yourself together. She’s distracted. You’ve got to be the man of the house. Let’s minimize the trauma. Ring the vet, let them know we’re on the way. They know what to expect.” I said, “Hi. We’ll be arriving any moment with a six-year-old and her rabbit that has been attacked by a dog,” hoping the lady could fill in the blanks, but she’s caught up in admin. She’s, like, “I’m going to need to know the rabbit’s surname.” I’m, like, “No, you don’t.” “I’m going to need to know the rabbit’s birthday.” I’m, like, “I can tell you what day it died. If you could just improvise the rest of the tombstone, we’ll be there to pick it up.” So, we get to the veterinarian’s office. The thing is stiff by now. But Violet’s got so much hope and faith, and she leaps off the bus, straight in the door and presents it to the vet. “Anthony! This is my Anthony. Is he going to be all right?” And the vet… I could just see it in her eyes. She looks at me. She’s, like, “You bullshit excuse for a mum. I’ve got to deal with dog AIDS and cat cancer and cutting off balls all day. You couldn’t tell your own flesh and blood that this is a dead pet.” And with my eyes, you know, like, woman-to-woman, I was, like, “That is exactly right. You do it.” Mm-hmm. Thank you. And for £85, they will. Whoo! That is the fine for being a pussy in London. Totally worth it. I was the man of the house that day. Well, guys, it’s nearly time to go. You’ve been so incredible. Yeah. But before I go, I need to go to Canada at the end of this tour to speak at my little sister’s wedding, because women are allowed to talk at weddings in Canada. It’s bananas. They don’t do that here. And what my family forgot when they asked me to speak is that they hate everything that I think and say. And, in fairness, I’m not a fan of theirs. I just love my baby sister so much, I miss her so much, and I want it to be an amazing speech. So, I wondered if, Apollo, I could practice it on you, because you’re my friends. Will that be okay? Okay, great. So, you’ll be guests at the wedding. That’s perfect. You’ve already had some drinks, so look around the room, try to decide who you might want to get off with later, who’s hopefully not your cousin. But it is Sarnia, so it’s gonna be your cousin. So, just… just wear a condom. Bury that deep. It’s gonna be fine. Okay. So, this side of the room, you lovely people, and at the top as well, you’ll be the bride’s friends and family. Is that cool? We’re related. And then this side of the room, you’ll be the groom’s friends and family. Mysterious. Okay, so, I am the maid of honor, and this is time for my speech. Once again, guys, I appreciate you so much for being here. Okay. Good evening, room of strangers. I am so honored to have been chosen as Kerrie’s maid of honor today, mostly because I know it pisses off her whore friends… who wouldn’t know honor if it slapped them in the face. Chiefly because they’d be getting slapped in the face by eight to ten cocks at any moment. Wow, ladies, you all look absolutely normal. Thank you all. Thank you for looking after my first baby. It has admittedly been a really long time since I’ve seen my little sister Kerrie, but I clearly remember the day she was born. I was six years old, Mum was thirteen. Dad was on the run from the law. I looked into the tiny incubator, and I saw that the baby inside had managed to grow both fingernails and eyelashes from inside the womb. I didn’t know babies could do that. I thought, “Yes! This is my sister.” I glanced at Joanne, who was pretending to be an acorn at the time. And I thought, “Oh, good. I never have to talk to that one ever again.” From then on, Kerrie was my baby. She had my mum, but she liked me better, so she always called me Kathmum, but it came out “Kathbum,” so that’s been my name at home ever since. When my parents said no, I said yes. When they announced their divorce, Kerrie grabbed my arm and shrieked, “But if Daddy moves away, who will clean our swimming pool?” Ugh! White people! You know? Kerrie slept in my bed. I gave her all my toys. I gave her my clothes. I drove her to school. I gave her money, I gave her fake IDs. And then, when she was just 14, I left. I just left. And she’s the only one of you that I miss. I only come back to this fuckhole you people call a town… to have an inappropriate laugh with my sister. And kind of to see how fat your arms got. The following is a list of places that Kerrie and I have been kicked out of for laughing: Two taxis, a school assembly, the A&E, Papa’s funeral, Nana’s funeral, Granddad’s intervention, Granddad’s funeral… Joanne’s choir recital, Joanne’s piano recital, Joanne’s tap recital, Joanne’s ballet recital, Joanne’s gymnastics recital, Joanne’s wedding… which was in a forest, by the way. And you can’t kick someone out of a forest. That’s everyone’s land. And we were not wrong for laughing. Kerrie and I were on either side of her, and she had knitted her own wedding dress. So it had little crocheted holes. Well, we spotted a wasp fly into one of the holes. And Joanne loves all creatures, so she was protecting it like it wasn’t happening, but we knew it was stinging her and stinging her and stinging her and stinging her, and she was in a lot of pain. It was so funny. Ah, but Kerrie… Kerrie has only ever been cross with me once. Just once. A year ago, Kerrie traveled with her fiancé to meet his family for the very first time in the Philippines, where he is from. Kerrie had a very difficult two weeks in the Philippines. She did not make a good first impression… because her face was on CNN. That time really tested Kerrie’s relationship with David, and her relationship with me, which is why I’m especially joyful that we’re all gathered here this evening and that David’s entire family have flown in from the Philippines. Because to you, it is absolutely time that I said… Which means, “I am sorry, and I respect your people and culture.” I mean, obviously, I do not have time to learn Filipino. But I feel like if I just make those noises… then they will understand that I feel bad. Look, I am a prick. Surprise! I’m a terrible, terrible prick. But what I learned from this horrific experience is that the Filipino culture is a beautiful one that are all about family. I love David. He’s my favorite man. He treats my sister like gold. He treats me like family. That’s why they got so upset. But it also means that when Kerrie marries David next month, I am as good as Filipino. Those fuckers have to accept me. It’s the perfect crime! It was also a long way around for one sister to go to get the other one out of a jam, which is why it’s such a shame I’m gonna need her to leave him for a Jew soon. Such a shame. So, Kerrie, to you, my beautiful baby sister, on your wedding day, I just want to say… relax.

Thank you so much for listening! I’ll see you soon. Relax. Whoa. Relax. Oh, relax. Shh. Relax.