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Katherine Ryan: Glitter Room (2019) | Transcript

Fresh from a tour, comedian Katherine Ryan shares shrewd observations about school bullies, revenge bodies and raising a very fancy child.

♪ No gyal can tell me ’bout my mother ♪
♪ 16 shot, we go longer than a ladder ♪
♪ Dem nuh fi talk ‘Bout the real don dada ♪
♪ Put body inna pot Dem a bun like grabba ♪
♪ No boy can diss me or my mother ♪
♪ Round here ain’t safe Everybody need armour ♪
♪ 16 shot, we go shotta any bluddah ♪
♪ Rah-ta, rah-ta Ka-kah, ka-kah, ka-kah ♪
♪ Rah-ka-ka-ka-ka-rahh! ♪
♪ You couldn’t be badder ♪

Than a King-stony

Hi!

♪ Diss my mother Then your skin start bleed ♪
♪ So don’t bother mess with my mommy ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ Baby, tink you bad Say ya badder than she ♪
♪ If dog a-go bark Long time dem doh eat ♪

[crowd cheering]

Hello! Welcome. Thank you so much for sharing your evening with me. What a thrill to be here in what’s left of America. You’ve done an amazing job with it. Um… My name is Katherine, and for the last year or so, I’ve been touring around the UK, um, mostly making people very angry. I’m not really sure what makes them so angry. Uh, all that it is, I suppose, is that I am a woman who is 35 years old, and I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t want a boyfriend. I love men, but I feel that men are like dolphins, in that they should be enjoyed on holiday. [cheering] And they’re very intelligent, almost as smart as people. It’s… But that doesn’t mean you should have one in your house. Why would you… What a disaster that would be. What do they even eat? And a large number of them turn out to be sexual predators as well. Hashtag #notalldolphins, but many dolphins. They are the chimpanzees of the sea.

I feel that men are nature’s gun. You know, you’re statistically most likely to be killed by the one in your house. That’s the bit they get mad about. That’s… That’s probably it. “Well, Katherine, no, statistically, men are most likely to be victims of homicide.” True. Who’s killing them? Ghosts? It’s not us. Women don’t have time to kill men. First of all, we wish you no specific harm. And also, we’re very busy. When women do, unfortunately, commit murder, it’s, like, a big deal. They get a whole sit-down interview with Piers Morgan. And if that’s not dangling a carrot, like… Come on ladies, one more time.

Uh, there’s been some feedback, and I enjoy taking it on board. They say, um… “Katherine, you need to work harder on making your show a safe space for men.” Um… There’ve been a lot of suggestions on how to do it. So, number one, if men are uncomfortable, just have sandwiches ready to deliver to them. Uh, that should help. Oh! Someone said perhaps I should do the entire show as their mother. But that’s a lot of admin, and I don’t have time for… Someone said, “Maybe build a set like an entire kitchen, and then you’d be performing in a familiar environment.” [sighs] But I just think they should grow a dick instead. [cheering] But– Yeah. As I have done. Um… ‘Cause comedy is a completely safe space for men. Men have a lot of safe spaces, like the Senate and the world and… comedy. Um, I get it, I’m a woman who has ideas and opinions and I say those out loud on a stage. [retching] People are like… “Why doesn’t she just sing a song?” I don’t know, but I can’t tell you how much stand-up comedy I have had to listen to in my career where men are like, “If I’m fuckin’ a hooker and she comes, I’m askin’ for my money back.” It’s like… is she gonna give you pretend money back? Like, “Seven, eight…” ’cause she didn’t come. Um… Here you go, and your change.

Um… I’m just not good at dating. I tried it on for a little while. And for everyone’s better life, I’ve taken myself out of the game, and then loads of people in my life want me to get back into the game. Why? Why do I have to be like you? If I were this bad at anything else– If I were a surgeon who managed to kill every patient… and burn down the palliative care unit… pretty sure my friends and family would not be like, “Katherine, when are you gonna get back in the emergency room, girl? Just one more try.” I’m not gonna be single forever. I think the ladies will agree with me, 35, far too young to settle down and have a man in your house. -[cheering] -Far too young. -[man heckles] -Dangerously young. You don’t think so, sir? You look… Oh, oh, oh. You’re just pointing at a nearby woman. “Talk to her.” Have I made you uncomfortable already? My goodness. I don’t have any sandwiches on me. Perhaps if I speak to you from my knees. Sir. [cheering and applause] What more can I do? Um, does he belong to you? -That’s wonderful news. What’s your name? -Michelle. -Michelle? And what’s your name, sir? -Joseph. Joseph? Well done. Um… It’s okay. -Do you keep this man in your house? -[Michelle] I do. You do? Oh, my goodness. For how long? Almost six years. Six years in the house, Joseph! And what do you do in there? I clean the kitchen. [Katherine] You clean the kitchen. That’s very good. What else do you get up to in the house? -[Michelle] Video games. -[Joseph] Video games. -You do what? -[Joseph] Video games. -Video games. You look– You’re allowed. -[Joseph] Yeah! He’s just shamefully withdrawn, like… [sniffling] “I play video games.” [sighs] “I wank into a mirror.” You’re allowed to do all those things, Joseph, okay. Um, do you– do you work? -Are you a stay-at-home husband? -Yes. I work. No, you work, good. And how long are you out of the house for? -How many hours do you get away? -[Joseph] Oh, gosh. At least seven. Seven hours, okay. Oh, I could maybe live with that one day. -So you get some exercise and come back. -Yes. What do you do together? Is he sexually adventurous? -[Joseph] That’s for you. -[Michelle] Oh God, I… -No? -I don’t… -Not after six years, Joseph. -[Joseph] Less lately. No one’s expecting a miracle. You’re all right. -Okay, but you’re an asset to the house? -Yeah. -Great, and you get along? -Yes. -[Michelle] Yes. Sometimes. -Absolutely wonderful. Even though you’re clearly far too young to have a man in your house. -How old are you? Do you mind if I ask? -[Michelle] 35. 35! Exactly. Golden age. Listen, I’m glad that it’s working out for you, because I have considered allowing a man like you, Joseph, into my… house and… et cetera, but… Um… I just feel like, right now, it’s best if I stay single until I am the age that Céline Dion is now. -Yeah, do you know Céline Dion, Joseph? -Not personally. -Oh, she– -She loves her. [Katherine] Yeah! You love her, I love her. Who doesn’t love Céline Dion? [cheering and applause]

Céline Dion is an entire OJ Simpson prison sentence and a half older than I am. See? And there’s not a person here who wouldn’t fuck Céline Dion. You grow in value. Céline Dion is a freak in the streets and a freak in the sheets. You can be both at that age. Céline Dion is the face of Dior. Céline Dion is living her best life. She has released albums in Japanese, Mandarin Chinese, Latin, German, Spanish, Italian, French, English… The current president of the world’s largest economy cannot even speak one of those languages. [cheering and applause] Céline Dion is kicking it in the dick. Why? Why? Because her husband is dead. [crowd groaning] He’s dead. [sing-song] He’s dead! Bye-bye, René. Au revoir, monsieur. He’s dead. And don’t get it twisted. It’s not that I think the only good husbands are dead ones. It’s that I know Céline Dion’s husband met her when he was 38 years old and she was, does anybody know? -[woman] 12. -Yes, you people know. She was 12. [audience gasping] She was 12, and the whole world collectively decided to let that one slide. They’re like, “Bah, I don’t know, Céline Dion, she knew what she was doing.” Now, I do have to say, he met her when he was 38 and she was 12, and they worked together. He was her manager. Just, you know, in charge of her day-to-day affairs, like a father figure. And nothing sexual happened between them until the magical evening of her 18th birthday when they fell in love. That’s the legal bit for Netflix. Uh… So I don’t really know who the true victim is there. I kind of feel like it’s R Kelly, somehow. It’s… It is him. Poor R Kelly. He’s over here trapped in the closet, looking at this relationship like, “What? I would’ve been so much less creepy if I grew up in Marseille! Why?” Life’s not fair, that’s why.

But just currently, I don’t know, I’m having an amazing time. I have a beautiful daughter… uh, who’s British. And I really recommend having an English child. It’s like having a tiny, ineffective butler at home. Aw, she’s got me feeling like the Fresh Prince all day. [British accent] “I’m ever so sorry, Mummy. I appear to have mashed Nutella into the carpet again.” I’m like, “You did. You are the shittiest butler in the world. But I love you, and hey, where’s Mummy’s drink, though? Where is it?” “Oh, oh, I do apologize, Mummy. Would you like a day wine or a night wine?” Isn’t that so cute? She thinks white wine is for the day and red wine is for the night. And she’s not wrong, is she? She’s a very… very perceptive little girl. If you wanna mess with her head, ask for wine about 5:30. She just looks at the sun, like, “Oh, goodness me. Is it day or… Oh, no… Would you ladies like a rosé?” “Fuck off. We’re not in France.” She’s a wonderful child. She’s absolutely wonderful. She’s the kind of kid that stitches you up. She never has a tantrum, she’s very polite. But if she is mad at me, she’ll just wait three days, till we visit friends, and she’ll say to them, “Have you got any apples? I haven’t had an apple in weeks.” Lie. Just a lie. She’ll say, “My mummy hides wine in the walls.” You know that’s a wine rack. I’m not hiding it there. That’s where it goes. [sighs]

I love being a mother, but I am dealing with a real prick on the school run. Does anyone know Jane from North London? Do you guys know this prick? You get out to Primrose Hill much? No? So Jane used to have a corporate career. And that’s fine. And now Jane stays home to look after seven tiny children. And that, ladies, is also fine. Apart from I did not know you could have that many that fast. I genuinely did not. Her eldest daughter is the same age as my only daughter, and then I blinked and she shot out six more, just like… rrrrrrrrrr! Jane’s having a baby every four months, somehow. Jane, she keeps it together. Jane has an ass like a peach, cervix like a Hula-Hoop. Just… Boom! Boom! Shooting them out, back on the school run. Jane’s involved in all the fundraising at the children’s school, and she’s on my dick about the cake sale every other month. Just, “Katherine, will you help with the cake sale? Katherine, you didn’t sign up for the cake sale. How many cakes will you make?” Finally, I put my foot down. I said, “None. Because the last time I helped you, you sold my cakes for ten cents.” She sold them for ten cents each. “Are we selling these cakes for Bangladeshi kids or to Bangladeshi kids, Jane? Where are you getting your price point, prick? Where’s your scale of economies at, huh? How and when were you ever effective in the corporate world, bitch?” Don’t let these people trick you. They don’t even need money. They just wanna take your time. I said, “If it is about the money, Jane, how about I cut you a check for $100, you fuck off and make 1,000 cupcakes?” That is how many it is.

Jane has a ham-colored husband call Brian. [loud laughter] Oh! You do know Jane. I have never seen Brian out of a bicycle helmet in my entire life. And I have never seen a bicycle. There may not be a bicycle. Brian’s out there, riding a bicycle of the mind. But it gives me some insight into… Men have identity issues, as well. He’s about 45, and when he makes those cameos on the school run, he wants everyone to know he’s still fit. Bicycle helmet, workout gear, full spandex, he’s circumcised, you can tell. “Just here to collect my children.” Brian runs marathons. The worst kind of prick, by the way. What is it about a middle-aged man, he’s gotta know he can be 26 miles away from home on foot at any given moment? Y’all just start running around, like… “I’m raising awareness for cancer!” “We’ve heard of it. Sit down. It’s deeply popular.” And Jane loves Brian very much. And I’m very happy for them. That is the traditional shape of a family. And there’s some people, that if you deviate, especially as a woman, from being the type of person they understand, they just can’t deal with it. Jane is one of these people. She looks at me and she says, “Oh, Katherine, you are alone. I would be so sad if I were alone.” I said, “I’d be sad if I was alone with you too, Jane. But when I’m alone, I get to hang out with me.” ♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah! ♪ She goes, “Oh, but surely you’re very worried. Aren’t you worried that you’re running out of time to have another baby?” I said, “We’re all running out of time, Jane. That’s how time works. If anything, I have more time than you do ’cause I don’t have to help find 14 tiny shoes every morning. And I don’t have to sleep with your husband. No, I fuck him ’cause I want to. I don’t have to do it.” [cheering and applause] That’s what makes it fun. Thank you. “My body, my choice, Jane.” Uh… No, don’t panic. I’m not sleeping with Brian. Of course I’m not sleeping with Brian. Though I would hate fuck Brian. Um… But don’t– It’s just because I’m an excellent mother. I’ll tell you what I mean.

So their eldest daughter, Hannah, has been bullying my angel daughter, Violet. And she and I have very different personalities. My daughter gets deeply wounded by bullying because she just lives with me, and at home, I’m nice to her all the time. We’re not like a mom and a nine-year-old. We are like two nine-year-olds, but one of us has cellulite and a credit card. It’s amazing. “It’s her.” “It’s me.” Um… And we have all those little, teeny, tiny dogs. You know, the ones that men won’t let you get? The ones that just shiver and piss from their eyes. I got 40 of them. There’s no one to stop me. And I could handle bullying. I mean, I was the only child in the world who believed my mother when she said, “They’re just jealous, Katherine.” I was like, “Girl, I know. They could have victimized any girl in the school, but they chose me.” And one other girl with a cleft palate and one leg. But we were the Kim and Kanye of the fourth grade. ‘Cause the only other place I’d seen women victimized for their looks was in magazines. So when it happened to me, I was like, “Ah, I have arrived!” I was bulletproof. They’d throw paper at my head in class, I’d be like, “Who should I make this out to?” and thank them for their support. I don’t have a child like that. She cries, she doesn’t want to go to school anymore. And teachers, if you’re in, you do not get paid enough for the tremendous job that you do. And that’s why I take my beef to the streets. I went straight to Jane. I said, “Jane, the girls are not getting along. Violet is very upset. I would appreciate it if you could have meaningful conversations about empathy in your home.” Jane, for the first time, wanted no involvement. She said, “Meh… Why don’t we let the school deal with it?” I was like, ‘Meh… “Why don’t I fuck your man?” [applause] Yes, ’cause I’ve been watching a troubling amount of Love & Hip Hop. And I will break up a family on a Tuesday afternoon. Of course I will. What kind of mother are you if you’re not prepared to weaponize your pussy against the enemies of your children? [cheering and applause]

We’ve got a lot of good moms in tonight. I will hate fuck the absolute shit out of Brian. I will let him keep the helmet on. He’ll need it. How about that? I don’t wanna do it, I really don’t. That’s why I think the best thing to do would just be to gently threaten the child. Just like, “Good morning, Hannah! Are you gonna be nice today? Mm, I hope so. Hey, how’d you like to spend every other weekend on the highway, huh? You’re about to have two Christmases, bitch. I–“

Being a single mom’s not for everyone… um, but it certainly is for me. And I think I co-parent with Violet’s father quite successfully. If you are co-parenting, you have to be nice about the other partner. “Oh, I know he was a monster to me, but she does this…” It doesn’t matter. He’s no one to me. He’s my child’s dad, and for that reason, I shall never say a bad word about him. Uh, my parents do not have the same ethos. I remember, one evening, I was in bed, and I overheard my father calling my mother a whore. And I had a great sense of justice. And so I appeared at the top of the stairs in my jammies, and I said, “Daddy!” He said, “Yes?” And I said, “Grandma’s a whore! How do you like it when someone calls your mother a whore?” He did not. He did not. -[applause] -And… [laughs] I mean, admittedly at the time, I didn’t know what a whore was. Uh, and I can just tell you privately, Margaret Ryan, my grandma, absolute Irish Catholic saint, could not have been less of a whore. Compared to her, my mother absolutely was a whore, so… that was my bad on that one, I hold my hands up, that was… Uh… My mom’s kind of like Frank Sinatra, but really sexy. She’s just always smoking near, like, Scotch and a piano, just doing a few kick ball changes. “How’s England, doll?” “It’s fine.”

Um… The trouble is, children are smart. My daughter’s nine years old, she’s got eyes in her head, so she’s started to ask some very troubling questions. She says, “Mummy, do you think my daddy is a wonderful man?” I’m like, “Wonderful? He is the greatest man that I have ever known.” She says, “All right, Mummy. Do you think my daddy is a clever man?” I’m like, “Clever? Try genius. Some people say gambling problem, I say wealth management strategy! Your father is going straight to the top.” She says, “All right, Mummy. Um… Do you think my daddy is a very, very handsome man, and do you fancy my daddy?” That’s a tough one, but I persist. I’m like… [retches] “Yes. Your father is the most beautiful man I’ve ever laid eyes upon. I lust for him every evening.” She’s like, “Ew, all right. Um… Well, Mummy, but if all that is true, how come my daddy’s not your boyfriend?” [gasps] They’re smart. Aren’t they smart? You have to think on your feet as a single mom. I’m like, “Great question. That is because… he… is too good for me.” She’s like, “Is he, Mummy? Really? Are you sure?” “Yes, your father is out of my league. I am not good enough for him. That’s how amazing your father is.” She’s like, “What? But, Mummy, you’re on television. He hasn’t even got a microwave. Are you sure?” He could have a microwave. He doesn’t believe in microwaves. La-la-la. Um… A lot of our arguments when we were together were very microwave-based, so watch out for that. And I said, “Yes, Violet, you’ve got it right. I love everything about him. I miss him, I fancy him, all of that.” She’s like, “I don’t understand. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’m seeing Daddy on Friday. I’ll tell him how much you love him, how much you miss him. Quite easily, I think I’ll get you back together.” I don’t have to worry. He’s a really good dad, so I know what he’ll say. He’s gonna say, “Yes, your mother is a very calm, forgiving, low-maintenance woman. Of course, I fancy your mother, but she is too good for me.” And so we’ve worked it out that Violet thinks she has two parents who are very much in love, but just with bottom-of-the-barrel self-esteem problems. And that is how British children are raised.

I was out in the game, I was out for a little while, accidentally falling in love here and there. And there was a man that I thought, “Oh, maybe I will allow him into my house one day.” I didn’t know, really, what was gonna happen, and then he made the decision for me by moving to Japan. Which I feel is overkill, if I’m honest. Go to the next town, I won’t follow you. I’m very lazy. You come anywhere outside my immediate area code, I’m off the pill. That’s the deal with me. He went to Japan and it broke my heart. As soon as I was rejected, I thought, “Oh, I’ve really missed out on this amazing man.” And I was crying in my room, and Violet found me. She said, “Oh, Mummy, don’t be upset. That boy was a nuisance.” And I had to Google “nuisance.” She’s very fancy. She went to a far better school than I went to.

I’m from a part of Canada that’s, like, awful. -It’s called Sarnia. Do you know it? -[man] Whoo! No. Um… There are two people who are known to have left Sarnia. There’s me and then heroic Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield. Everyone loves Chris Hatfield. He has millions of Twitter followers. They named an asteroid, two schools and an airport after him. And I got a letter from the town council, asking me to stop saying I was from Sarnia. That’s the difference between us. I just think Chris Hadfield is a rubbish celebrity. He’s just a really nice guy, just an astronaut, just some space fucker. Who cares about him? “Oh, Katherine, are you being too hard on your local hero?” No, he’s got a mustache. You can’t be a celebrity with a mustache. It just looks like they fired a substitute teacher into space. Far more interesting people from my hometown. How about my friend Elizabeth? She overdosed on fentanyl 16 times. Still alive, still doing fentanyl. What a hero. Or my other friend Mandy Kay. She jerked off three hockey players in the space of an hour, and they went on to win the game. Where’s her airport? Life’s just not fair sometimes.

Um… [chuckles] And so, um… he moved to Japan, and Violet said, “Don’t worry, Mummy. He’s a nuisance.” And then after about a week and a half, he called me and he said, “Oh, you didn’t come.” I said, “Pardon me?” He said, “I just figured you would come.” I was like, “Where’d that apathy get you in our sex life? “Why now what I spontaneously come?” He goes, “No, no, no, I figured that you would realize how much you needed me and you would follow me to Japan.” I was like, “You what? You thought… You thought that I was gonna sell the dogs, pull my daughter out of school, quit my little job, move across the world, place myself directly in the flight path of a North Korean missile… just to suck your dick in Japan?” He said, “Well, I guess if you won’t follow me, that just goes to show that you don’t need me.” I said, “You’re just learning that? No. No, I don’t need you, I liked you. I chose to have you around because you’re a laugh. I enjoy your company, but you are a luxury item.” And he said, “Well I need to be with someone who makes me a priority. And I suppose because you have a child, I will never be your first priority, I shall always be second.” And I was like, “Hah! Second? Oh. No.” [cheering and applause]

And by the way, I paid for everything. I was like, “It literally says priority on your bags every time I buy you a plane ticket. And I always check back into economy to see how you’re doing on the flight.” What more could I possibly have done for this man? He said, “I must go where I am needed.” Okay, Batman, off you fuck. Can you imagine, if I followed, just me, the biggest, whitest woman in Japan. Just like… “Raaar! Give me back my boyfriend or I shall destroy Tokyo! Where is he?” Would someone like me go to Japan? -[man] No. -No. I went to Japan. Of course I went to Japan. I went to Japan! I missed him so much. And I left my daughter at her dad’s. I was like, “I’ll be right back,” and I flew all the way to Japan. I was in such a rush, I fell in the airport and broke my front tooth. -[audience] Aww. -Yeah, one of the best teeth. I was at the lowest point of my life and he was very sweet. He collected me from the airport, I didn’t speak the language. He took me to his apartment. He said, “Don’t worry. We’ll get your tooth sorted, it’s fine.” And I thought, “Wow, I was right to chase this man. I do need him.” I rang my mother and I told her the good news. I said, “Mom, I’m gonna sell the dogs, pull my daughter out of school, move across the world and live with this man in Japan.” And she said… “Let me get this straight.” [exhales heavily] You’re financially dependent on a man in a foreign country and you got no fuckin’ teeth?” She’s a very clever whore, indeed. So I came home.

But I will be honest, I’m not bulletproof, it did hurt my feelings. And my friends gathered round me, like friends do in times of grief. And they were like, “Girl, you need to get yourself a revenge body, girl.” I was like, “A what?” They said, “A revenge body.” “Unless it’s his body in the back of my truck, I don’t follow.” And I know you don’t follow. You’re like, “Katherine, why are all your friends offensive stereotypes of American black women?” They’re not. They’re gay British men. It’s the same voice. It’s the exact same voice. [laughs] “Well, ah ah ah, h’auntie, this will not do. [chuckles] You need to get yourself a revenge body, okurrrt?” [trills] And I didn’t know what it was. And so I looked it up, I found out revenge body, it’s a term coined by Khloé Kardashian, one of my top five favorite Kardashians, guys. Do you enjoy the family? Do you like the Kardashians? -[woman] No. -[scatted cheering] Some do, some don’t. Oh, very divisive, aren’t they? Look, Joseph, just ratting out your girlfriend straight away. She loves them. So do I. Give me a cheer if you like the Kardashians. [scattered cheering] Many people. Give me a cheer if you dislike the Kardashians. [loud cheering and applause] A lot more. How do you feel about them? -[man] I’m indifferent. They’re cool. -Just indifferent? -[man] Yeah. They do their thing. -Yeah. Okay, well, apathy is a better attitude than pure hatred based on nothing. -What’s your name? -Jay. Jay, do you watch the show? -Uh, I’ve seen an episode. -And what did you think? Just apathy or were you motivated… [Jay] They make a good show. Yeah, exactly, Joe, they make a good show. That’s why I watch it, very tasteful interiors. I find it relaxing. Okay, who dislikes the Kardashians? -[cheering] -You dislike them. No, madam, you don’t like them. -What’s your name? -[woman] April. April, why do you hate the Kardashians? -[April] They just don’t do anything. -They don’t do anything? They do things 24 hours a day. They’re doing things all the time. You need to follow them on Instagram, and you shall see. Kim gets up at five a.m., straight in the gym. She eats oatmeal and egg whites. She’s, like, basically an athlete. She does that for you. They have lots of painful procedures, they’re doing all these businesses. Joe and I, we watch the show. The Kardashians have Trojan horsed a lot of important issues into what looks like a vapid reality show. They had an episode on the importance of Planned Parenthood. An episode on gun control. I love the Kardashians. For me, they are a matriarchy of shape-shifting sisters who destroy men or turn them to women, and for that… [cheering and applause] [whistling] It’s very much a sci-fi program. All they had to do was be Rob. That is all that was expected of them. And these women rise up. They’re absolutely amazing. They have beautiful children. And all their children somehow look like them, even though they themselves don’t look like them. And I will say they’re not perfect, but they are thriving in a capitalist society that they did not design.

And for me, they’re very vulnerable. They share everything. And when I was heartbroken during my breakup, Khloé was also going through a breakup with her then husband, NBA star Lamar Odom. Now, he had drug dependency issues. Anyone who’s been touched by that knows he lost everything. He lost his job and his fame and his wife. And he lost way more weight than she did, by the way, but… But she didn’t cry in her room like I cried in my room. Khloé got in the gym and she started working out, lifting weights. I thought, “What? Here we go, revenge body. She’s gonna bulk up, be drafted by the NBA, beat him at his own game.” [applause] That’s not what happened, though. [laughs] Uh, she just got a little bit smaller. [laughs simperingly] Aw, man, that’s the best you can do when a man tells you to go away? Just, like, seven pounds of you goes away.

Men don’t do it the same way, and we’ve really gotta stop. Show me a revenge film, Taken, starring Liam Neeson. That’s a good movie. Where is the scene, though? When he’s on the phone, like, “I have a very specific set of skills. You let my daughter go and that will be the end of it. But if you don’t… then, like, Bible, I will lose ten pounds.” [simpers] Yeah, I will appear on the cover of Complex magazine in my underpants.” And the captors are like, “What? Oh, no, we never hear such terrible revenge. Please! Please! Please, just kill us, no!” It’s never gonna happen. When my boyfriend left, I gained ten pounds, perspective, a house and a Netflix special. Just eat some chicken wings, just eat something. They don’t care. [cheering and applause] You can be small if you wanna be small. All of your bodies are very beautiful. But it’s troubling when there’s only one type of body that we see.

Meghan Markle, I’m supposed to like her, even though she took the only viable ginger cock off the market, and that… that cut me very deep. [sighs] That is the white tiger of the dick world. She saw his rare gemstone penis and captured it like a horny Lara Croft. And what’s going on? Why is she so small? Is there not a kitchen in the palace? These girls, they’re all just so little. Have you been in a room with Meghan Markle? I have. If she was born in the winter, she wouldn’t have made it. She’s this big. What’s the point of even being rich if you can’t have Taco Bell every day? When she and Kate Middleton go out on disaster relief, you can’t tell who needs the malaria shots. I’m very happy that there’s mixed ethnicity in the royal family. It’s groundbreaking. But wouldn’t it also be groundbreaking to have a duchess over 92 pounds? Like, “What? Feed these women!” [sighs]

Do we have any single mothers in? None. Good. They’re at home where they belong. [whistling] No single mothers? None? -Anyone considering it? Oh, one. -[woman] Whoo! Just one single mom, then? You’re just gonna lead her out, see… “We’ll see how this goes for her, and then…” No, you’re fine. Okay. What’s your name? [woman] Michelle and Dawn. -Michelle… -[Michelle] And Dawn. -And Don. -[Michelle] Yes. Seems less single than before. She hasn’t realized she doesn’t have to say his name anymore. Its just… You can just be Michelle. Don’s gone. So, there are two single mothers, you’ve arrived together, one of you is Dawn and one of you is Michelle? -[Michelle] Yes. -Okay, and you are speaking for the group? You see how organized a single mother has to be? She’s like, “Dawn, you be quiet. As ever, I’m the spokeswoman. You saw what happened when you tried to get us those free drinks earlier. Let me deal with it, Dawn.” Dawn, are you in an abusive friendship? Welcome, Michelle and Dawn. May I ask, how long has each of you been a single mother for? [Michelle] Oh, wow. 2009. 2009? Same! Um… Both– Both of you together decided in 2009, “This is gonna be our year”? And you were just coincidentally friends? Or this was an organized… -departure? -[Dawn] Our kids are friends. Your children are friends. See, that’s the thing. That’s why Jane’s on my dick all the time. Okay, your children are friends, and you’re friends, and you’re both single mothers, out on the town, enjoying a night of comedy. Welcome. Um, are you dating, are you feeling it out, or just concentrating on your lives? -[Michelle] Yes. -Yes. You just don’t want to be outed on Netflix. [chuckles] You’ll be like, “I’m on Tinder right now.” Okay, may I ask you, do you enjoy being single mothers? -[Michelle] Yes. -[Dawn] Yes. You both do. Straightaway. No one ever says no. They’re like, “Yep.” Do you feel that there’s stigma attached to being a single mom? -[Michelle] Definitely. -Yeah, why? Why are these Janes like “Just get back in a relationship.” “No!” Okay. Um, this is the thing, ladies. I feel, if you are unsure about your choices ask yourself, “Would I be more celebrated if I were doing this as a man?” And if I were a man, if you were men, we wouldn’t be, “Single, oh, no.” We’d be eligible as fuck. You can sit down, ladies. -Thank you so much. Um… -[cheering and applause] Thank you.

I just bought a house in central London. They would have made me the Bachelor two years ago. Like, “Oh, my God, how does he do it? How does a young, young, young, young, young, young, young, young baby boy of a man… How does he raise a gorgeous young daughter without financial help from anywhere?” And there’d be memes of me just vacuuming with no shirt on. No one knows why, just… [moaning] “How does he do it?” “I don’t know. I just push it back and forth. Uhh…” There would be YouTube videos going viral. Have you seen these? 40 million views. “Oh! Incredible dad learns to braid his own child’s hair! How does he do it?” [laughs] And I’d be very smug. I’d be like, “Well, if you think my hands are full you should see my heart. Uhhnngh!” I would say, “I take three equal sections of hair. And then, heroically, I fold one into the other two, and so on.” Like any idiot could do. And women all over the globe would lose their shit. They’d be like, “Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Michelle, Dawn, get over here! Have you heard about… this incredible single dad? Where is he? Is anyone sucking him off right now, here? Can I go next?” [simpers] They’d form a very long line, and then I would remove the mask and be like, “Ha ha. I am a lady.” And those same women would be like, “Ew, gross. Another single mom. She should have worked harder to keep her family together.”

♪ He left because I asked him to ♪

[cheering and applause] [whistling]

♪ I asked him more than once La-la-la, la-la-la ♪

[laughs] People always say, “How are you single? I don’t understand. There are men. You could get one.” I know. Um… Still, still, boys are taught to become somebody, girls are taught to find somebody. I have chosen to do neither of those dog shit things. And I still go on dates, but with my girlfriends. I recently accompanied my single girlfriend Emma to her aunt’s funeral. And… It was a beautiful day, and her aunt was such an inspiring woman. She lived to be 95 years old, she escaped the Nazis, and started an incredible business. And as we saw her off, a man next to us said, “Oh, so sad. 95 years old and never able to find a man.” [audience groans] I was like, “How do you think she lived so long?”

[cheering and applause]

♪ Get your breath away from me ♪

[sighs] My daughter and I are, uh… very dissimilar, and that’s okay. She came home from school the other day, and she said to me, “Mummy, do you know what’s happening in my country?” Which is an ominous way to start any sentence nowadays. I said, “What, Violet? What’s happening in your country?” And she says, “Well, Mummy, there are people coming into the country, and they’re using all the stuff and taking all the jobs, and soon there’s going to be nothing left for me.” I was like… [gasps] “I’ve raised a deplorable.” Sad. Um… [chuckles] And she’s very innocent. We have the same problems all over the world. The political climate is very similar. I think sometimes we surround ourselves with too many like-minded people. My viewpoint is just a different one to yours sometimes, and hers is a different one to mine. I think that’s very healthy for discussion. The trouble is the irony. I had to say to her, “Violet. “Uh, you know, the people that you’re worried about coming into the country?” She says, “Yes, Mummy?” I said, “‘Do you know that that’s you?” She says, “No it’s not, Mummy. I’m 100 percent British.” I was like, “You’re 100 percent not. You were born here, but I came from another country. Maybe you didn’t notice ’cause I’m white, and…” I… [scattered applause] We’re very sneaky. I… started working straight away, I had nothing. I worked and I worked harder and I paid tax and I worked. And I didn’t even use our public health service in England until the day I delivered her in the hospital. And she says, “Well, yes, Mummy, me. And I’m entitled to those things because I’m British.” I was like, “Oh! And if you’re worried about jobs, by the way, plenty of jobs to do around here. Start with the washing up, maybe clean your fucking room every once in a while. I promise, I’m only doing the jobs that you won’t do.”

Sometimes I feel like a foreign nanny who’s given birth to my mean British boss. And so I took her for a genetic test, which is a fun thing to do with any racist. Have you been? [cheering and applause] Have you been? You must do it to see their little faces when they find out they’re Nigerian and have to quit their club. ‘Cause no one’s 100 percent anything. It would be very bad for you if you were 100 percent anything. Your ancestors moved all around the earth and collected the strongest stuff from all over, and that’s why you’re here. Has anyone taken one of these tests where you spit in a tube? You have. Oh, both of you have. Hello. -What’s your name? -[woman] Savvy. Savvy, cool. Oh, my gosh. Already we know it’s gonna be spicy. Okay, Savvy, um, before you took the genetic test, what did you think your ancestry was? -[Savvy] I thought I was really Russian. -Really Russian? Not just Russian? -Like– -Really Russian? -[Savvy] Almost full. -Almost full. -[Savvy] And the other part German. -Cool. Russian and German. -Then what did it turn out that you were? -Really British. Really, erm… Scandinavian. Do you remember the percentages of the really? Uh, 33. -33? -Yeah. -Oh, 33 is really, really high. -Yeah. -Most people aren’t 33. Okay. -Almost all three of them. -And did it change your life in any way? -[Savvy] No. No, you were like, “Still white.” Poor Savvy. She was hoping she could start singing Cardi B on public transport. No. [Savvy] No. I was hoping for that as well. But I took the test. Well, Violet took the test first. She’s also 30% British, like you. That’s high. She was pleased with that. I took the test, and they asked me to take it again. And I was like, “Uh-oh.” I took it again and they said, “We’re sorry, you are 96 percent Irish, which is entirely too high.” I know I’m Irish. My dad’s Irish. We visited all the time as a kid. It’s a big clue. But 96? They were looking at me, like, “How did she get dressed today?” 96! Like, that means my ancestors never swallowed on holiday. Never. Even got in a– Just nothing. Nothing! These lazy women just fucked in a circle in one village in Ireland. Just… Cousin, cousin, cousin, cousin… for thousands and thousands of years. Trust me, no matter what anyone tells you, that is not what you want. And I know that right now, minorities feel really displaced and disrespected. I face a very different threat. If this gets out, I could be farmed into a sexual breeding program by the alt-right. They’ll be like, “Oh, great news, we found a really, really, really white one. Come on! Hurry, hurry! She’s running out of time to have another baby! Everyone!” Just have to suck their old balls. This is why I get excited about becoming an older woman. That will be liberty in many ways. That’s when I will finally be released into a field and shot. I can’t wait. [sighs] I absolutely can’t wait. Too many things are about finding a man, tricking a man, getting a man. I have been told, “Oh, Katherine, what are you wearing? This elaborate fashion will be very confusing to a man.” Is it? I did not come dressed as the laws of cricket. What you talking about? “Just simple silhouettes, Katherine, simple silhouettes.” Even my nails. “Katherine, the only acceptable nail color is ballet slipper. This color of nails will be very confusing to a man.” Some of you are glad I brought it up. You were like, “She has two tennis rackets holding a microphone.” These are hands. I know it’s confusing. Jane Fonda tweeted a photo after an awards, where in the morning, she was still wearing the gown that she’d been in the night before. Because women get trapped in our clothes. That is how society is designed to make sure we land a man. And she stood there in a gown, making eggs at nine a.m., and said, “Sometimes I do wish I had a husband.” Women’s fashions are a beautiful prison. If Houdini wore Vivienne Westwood, he would have drowned every time. [man laughs loudly] He was waiting for a Houdini joke. He just was waiting… He was like, “Finally. Finally, she’s mentioning something edgy. Like Houdini.” Times have changed. I’m glad. I’m peaceful and positive that they’re still changing. My grandmother would not have been allowed to buy a house, carry a passport, or open a bank account without the signature of a man. And so, when I bought our house… By house, I mean home. By home, I mean flat. It’s very small, it’s in London. It was such a momentous occasion. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to have that security with my child as a single mother. And I invited my family to see it, and they’re from Canada. And they arrived and they said, “But, Katherine, it is so small. This is the hoose that you bought with all your money? Don’t you know what size hoose you could afford in your hometown for this money?” “Yeah, but what room would I kill myself in? Stop talking.” [chuckles] “Why don’t you talk like your family anymore, Katherine? Are you too good for your family?” [scoffs] “Do the words Celebrity Storage Hunters mean anything to you?” Yes, I’m too good for my family. I’m very British now. Um… My daughter is too good for me. She is fancy. This is a fancy child. We were on holiday, and she wanted to get out of the swimming pool. I was on the side with my sister. And I don’t even know what she’s saying half the time. She called out, “Mummy, prepare my towel.” Means, “I’m ready to get out of the water.” I was like, “How do you prepare a towel?” My sister Joanne’s like, “What’s a towel?” I don’t know. I don’t know. In my day, we didn’t have towels. You just shook yourself dry in the yard. “Get out.” I was so proud of the flat. And it’s an old gothic church conversion in England. We had to redo the whole thing ’cause it was falling apart. They love old shit. And I, uh… I chose, with my daughter, as a very healing, soothing ritual, a space that was just ours. Taking up space is very important. We chose florals on florals, dark Scandinavian florals, rose gold brushed copper blush. And I found a builder, and I showed him my plans, and in my house, he said, [Eastern European accent] “No, you cannot do this. If you do this, no man will want to live here.” I was like… “Eh-heh. Do you promise? Get it on the wall.” [cheering and applause] The more he pushed against me, the harder I pushed back. He was like, “I don’t think Golden Girls tile mosaic is good idea for toilets.” “Get it on the wall.” And Violet’s room is the glitter room. And he didn’t even want to call it that. I mean, she wanted glitter carpet, glitter wall, little glitter disco ball. When I showed him that, he said, “When will the decision maker be home?” I was like, “She’s at school for two more hours. So you better hurry up, because that girl is mean to staff. She will call Home Office on us both.” [laughs] Um… And he wouldn’t call it the glitter room. He was like, “The second bedroom.” I was like, “No, I need you to say it.” He didn’t wanna say it. And this is the thing. I don’t dislike men. I dislike the toxic masculinity that holds a lot of men back. Feminism is good for you. We want you to be earning money. We want to earn money. We want everyone to be the same so that you can relax and drink some day wine once in a while. We want you to be yourselves. This poor man was so repressed. I said, “Just say glitter room, just say the word. Nothing bad’s gonna happen to you.” And he was like… “Ahem. Ugh.” “Glitter room.” [laughs] “Yeah, down the hall from where?” He’s like, “The piano nook.” I was like, “Say it.” He was like, “Ugh.” “The Anna Kendrick Memorial Music Hall.” [woman] Yes! [cheering and applause] And he had a little bit of a lightness to his step all of a sudden. He’s like, “I will be back on Wednesday.” I was like, “What do we do Wednesday?” He’s all, “We wear pink on Wednesday.” Yes! My gift to you, sir. Violet loves Anna Kendrick. Do you like Anna Kendrick too? -[loud cheering] -Oh, my gosh. She’s such a wonderful role model for children. She’s really funny online, she’s a great actress, great singer, multi-talented. Really spicy. And when Violet told me that was her first celebrity crush, I was very happy to, like, take her to all the movies and all the stuff. And then one day she says to me, “Mummy, Mummy! Anna Kendrick’s going to be in London. Please, can I meet Anna Kendrick?” And I was like, “No.” She says, “Why not? You’re on television.” I was like, “Yeah, I can get you in the audience of Bake Off. That’s about it.” She says, “Please, will you just ask someone?” So I spoke to my manager, who as it turns out, knows Anna Kendrick’s manager. And he said, “Okay, I cannot promise you a meeting, but I’ll tell you where they’re doing the press day for the movie. If you go to the London hotel, you might catch a glimpse of her. But if you do, the child has to remain calm. They’ve been traveling a lot, they don’t want a fuss.” I said, “Don’t worry, this child’s very fancy.” And so… we went to the hotel, and I got us spy outfits, little spy hats, little magnifying glasses. Oh, yeah, to stalk the woman. No, just because I knew we probably weren’t gonna meet her and I wanted to make it fun. If I’m running out of time to do anything, it’s to hang out with my child while she still thinks I’m cool. And we went down to the dinner in the hotel, and we said, “Oh, is Anna Kendrick at dinner?” She wasn’t at dinner, but we took lots of spy notes. “That lady has an American accent. Maybe she knows Anna Kendrick. That man’s eating fish and chips.” We stayed up very late in the hotel bar. Mummy had many, many night wines. Anna Kendrick… was not in the bar. And Violet fell into bed about midnight. Up straight again, six a.m., down for breakfast. Anna Kendrick wasn’t at breakfast. We have the spy outfits on again. And then we sat outside where the press junket was happening, hoping we might catch a glimpse of her on the way in. But they must’ve snuck around back. We didn’t see her. And I thought, “Oh, we had a really good time anyway. This is character building. You know what, Violet? You don’t always get what you want.” And then I heard the clickety-clack of her heels coming down the hallway towards my child. And she looked her in the face and said, “Hi. You must be Violet.” And I burst into tears. I was like, “Oh, my God!” Oh, my God, she loves you so much! She loves you so much! Like, I’m really sorry about the spy outfits. Like, it’s just a joke. I’m so sorry!” Violet’s like, “Oh, ignore my mummy. She’s Canadian. Er…” I totally lost it. I was just so pleased for her. Anna Kendrick handled it well. She was so polite, chatted to Violet. They took a photo which now hangs in the glitter room. And… [chuckles] Afterwards, I got a stern telling off from my manager. He was like, “Hey, Katherine, what the fuck was that?” I was like… I did not know that I had those emotions. But I’d been traveling a lot, and, uh, we were in LA only four days later. And Violet was with me, and we went to a coffee shop. And into the coffee shop walks Anna fucking Kendrick. And I thought, “No! I can’t be done for international stalking.” So as soon as I saw her, I made my daughter face the wall. She says, “What’s going on, Mummy?” I said, “Anna Kendrick just walked in.” She said, “Please, Mommy, please can I say hello? I feel we had a rapport.” I had to Google “rapport.”  I’m like, “No. Nope. You’re gonna face the wall until she leaves.” And so we’re in the corner of the coffee shop, and the barista comes over with one of those little Frappuccinos you’re not supposed to let them get, and he was like, “Violet? Violet? Violet?” We’re still facing the wall. Until I could feel the entire coffee shop looking at us, including Anna Kendrick. And I thought, “Well, I have a second chance now to redeem myself, just play it cool, play it cool.” And I spun around and I said, “Anna Kendrick, we’re not here for you.” I took the drink and we left. [applause] [whistling] Not Anna Kendrick,  as it turns out. It was, uh… just… You know, I really love men. I think a lot of good men want to know how they can make things better for everyone. And they ask me why the women are so upset. They say, “Katherine, uh… fill me in, what’s angering the dames? Why are the dames so out of sorts these days? And– And who can we even hug at work anymore?” And the answer is no one. But if you do feel like, uh… making a sexual advance to someone at work, make sure that it’s your boss, or, at the very least, an equal. And definitely not the teenager whose job it is to bring you coffee. Uh… just stop fucking vulnerable women, basically. Vulnerable. So, uh… if you are standing in the way of her career progression, or, uh, she is a child, just vulnerable, any definition of vulnerable, don’t fuck those women. Oh, I know you want to. Do not. “Uh… What about my babysitter?” No, do not… This seems like a simple thing, but it became very clear to me at Christmas time when I took myself out on a date to see the incredible musical Hamilton. Have you seen it? [cheering] Oh, my goodness, it’s so great. If you can’t see the musical, download the soundtrack and listen to the songs. It’s such a beautiful story, so beautifully told. My daughter was with her father and I went all by myself, Christmas Eve to see Hamilton. I had not listened to the soundtrack. I didn’t know what it was about. And I went to a garbage school, so I didn’t know about American history. If you don’t know who Alexander Hamilton is, he’s one of the founding fathers of America. He created the justice system. He wrote a lot of the Constitution. He was a senior officer and a general in the American Revolutionary War. He made some incredible evil political inroads… even though he was an orphan and an immigrant. And a lot of that was because he chose a powerful wife. His wife, Elizabeth Schuyler , was from a high-status family, and you needed that back then because America was very classist and racist. It–It’s difficult to imagine it that way now…. But transport yourselves back to the 1700s… and that’s very much the way that it was. And she was a great wife. Not only was she high status, from a powerful family, she created the first orphanages in America. She had so many of Hamilton’s kids that they named two of them Philip. That’s a lot of kids. She was the Jane of her time. And then one day, she says, uh… “Hamilton, I love you. Let’s take the children on holiday. Come with us.” And he’s like, “No, I’m too important.” And he sat alone in his house for about five seconds, and in walks a very vulnerable, very young disheveled girl off the street, and she’s like… “Mmm!”

♪ I know that you are a man of honor ♪
♪ I’m so sorry to bother you at home ♪
♪ But I don’t know where to go ♪

[cheering]

♪ And I came here all alone ♪

I’m like, “Oh, shit.” She goes…

♪ My husband’s doin’ me wrong ♪
♪ Beatin’ me, cheatin’ me Mistreatin’ me ♪
♪ Suddenly he’s up and gone ♪
♪ I don’t have the means to go on ♪

By “means,” he hears cock, somehow. And this powerful politician starts licking his lips, and he’s like,

♪ Lord, show me how to say no to this ♪
♪ I don’t know how to say no to this ♪

And I rose from my seat… as though Hamilton was a Choose Your Own Adventure. And I shouted at the actor portraying Alexander Hamilton. I said, “Say no to what? She didn’t ask you anything!” [cheering and applause] [whistling] No. No, I had absolutely no support. They were a very quiet, very shocked British audience. He was very professional, he carried on.

♪ Lord, show me how to say no to this ♪
♪ I don’t know how to say no to this ♪

I carried on. “You said no to the British Empire though, didn’t you? That was easy, but when a child asks you no questions, what are you gonna say?”

♪ Lord, show me how to say no to this ♪
♪ I don’t know how to say no to this ♪

And then, he said the actual words.

♪ But, by God, she looks so helpless ♪
♪ And her body’s sayin’ hell, yes ♪

I was like, “Oh!”

♪ Her body is not saying that to you ♪

“Her body is saying, ‘Hey, local representative, I appear to have found myself in a domestic abuse situation. But I’m not currently allowed to vote or work or eat.’ So why don’t you put your fucking dick away and help this lady? Help this lady!” [cheering and applause] Wrong, no. That’s not the reaction that the very British audience had that Christmas Eve. Not even when I tried to get the chant going. Oh, I tried to get a chant going. Put your fuckin’ dick away! Put your fuckin’ dick away! Put your fuckin’ dick away! Nothin’. [sighs] So when I say I’ve seen Hamilton… I’ve seen half of Hamilton. It’s fair enough. It’s fair enough. Uh, I don’t know what went wrong. I mean, I do know what went wrong. I’d been drinking day wine in the night. That’s what went wrong. You don’t drink day wine in the night. It’s for the day. That’s why they call it day wine. It’s like feeding a gremlin after 12 o’clock. Day wine is for lunch meetings and taking the edge off the school run. Drink it in the dark, and you’ll be fighting founding fathers. But I went home, and I loved it so much, I listened to the entire soundtrack, and I found out that he got caught. This woman’s husband found out, she extorted Hamilton. They told all the other politicians. He lost his wife, he lost his work. He was on track to become the president, but he didn’t get to. Of course not. You can’t fuck vulnerable women and become the President of the United States of America. What a silly little goose. He didn’t get to be president. Um… And I just feel… You don’t have to live your life like me. It’s just a different shape of a family that I wish was not so stigmatized. But, I mean, Melania Trump… [groans] That is an innocent gold digger caught up in a dangerous game. That lifestyle is very dangerous. She did not know he was gonna be the president. She thought he’d be a regular businessman and they could be divorced by now. She’d be fucking one of J.Lo’s backup dancers through season two of her reality show, Melania Unchained. [cheering and applause] You need agency in your life, and a bank account. Where did she go wrong? Well, she went too young. Didn’t she? Way too young. This lady knows. You go old. Ooooooold. If he’s still eating solid food, he is too young, do you understand? You want him one line of coke and a vigorous hand job away from you getting a summer house. Oh. Oh, la la. Sacré bleu. Perhaps Céline Dion had the right idea all along. [laughs]

Thank you so much for listening to me. I’ll see you soon. Thank you.

[cheering and whistling]

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1 thought on “Katherine Ryan: Glitter Room (2019) | Transcript”

  1. Hi there – I work with the copyright owner. Could you please contact me as we’d prefer to have this material removed? Thanks!

    Isaac

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