Jon Stewart takes Trump’s U.K. trip and rips it to shreds—mocking the royal strut, the “Aberbaijan” geography lesson, and the idea that our sun-god president single-handedly ended every war on Earth. Then it’s on to Jimmy Kimmel’s firing, which Trump insists was about “bad ratings,” though Stewart points out it looks a lot like punishment for not kissing the ring. Enter the magical “talentometer,” a White House device that measures niceness to the president. Add in the GOP’s free-speech double standards—don’t call us fascists while we call you animals—and you get Stewart’s punchline: free speech isn’t dying, it’s being rigged.
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Jon Stewart’s Post-Kimmel Primer on Free Speech in the Glorious Trump Era | Full Transcript
[MOTIVATIONAL MUSIC]
ANNOUNCER: From Comedy Central, it’s the all new, governmentapproved Daily Show with your patriotically obedient host, Jon Stewart.
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[CHEERING]
Hello! Good evening.
[CHEERING]
My name is… my name is Jon Stewart. And welcome to The Daily Show on I’m going to guess Monday. I don’t know.
[LAUGHTER]
We have another fun, hilarious, administration compliant show.
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AUDIENCE: Aw.
What are you doing? Shut up!
[LAUGHTER]
Don’t fucking blow this for us.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING]
So we’re… we’re coming to you tonight from a real shithole, the crime-ridden cesspool that is New York City. It is a tremendous disaster, like no one’s ever seen before. Someone’s National Guard should invade this place. Am I right?
Shut the fuck up!
[LAUGHTER]
If you felt a little off these past couple of days, it’s probably because our great father has not been home.
[LAUGHTER]
For Father has been gracing England with his legendary warmth and radiance.
[LAUGHTER]
Gaze upon him with a gait even more majestic than that of the royal horses that prance before him. He wowed the English with charm, intelligence, and an undeniable sexual charisma that filled their air like a pheromonepacked London fog.
[LAUGHTER]
And as part of this historic trip, the perfectly tinted Trump…
[LAUGHTER]
…dazzled his hosts at dinner with a demonstration of unmatched oratory skill.
[Trump] A fifth of all that humanity speaks, writes, thinks, and prays in the language born on these isles and perfected in the pages of Shakespeare and Dickens and Tolkien, Lewis, Orwell, and Kipling. Incredible… people.
[LAUGHTER]
He didn’t have to look down once…
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…completely off book as he namechecked his favorite authors from the top of his head.
[LAUGHTER]
Trump employing restraint not to quote verbatim these great authors our president has devoured voraciously… incredible people, indeed.
[LAUGHTER]
I’ll tell you whose client list Trump’s name is on Dewey Decimal’s.
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But of course, as great as those authors are, there can only be one most tremendous author in the English language. And I think we know that that author begins with a T and ends in key.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, how fortune has smiled upon us, for that very scribe is also our dear leader.
[Trump] We’re joined by history and fate, by love and language. We’re like two notes in one chord, or two verses of the same poem. Each beautiful… on its own but… really meant to be played together.
The whole room is enthralled!
[LAUGHTER]
That’s resting interest face.
[LAUGHTER]
It was a most beautiful recitation, Mr. President. It brings me to tears, almost as much as your favorite poem about that man from Nantucket…
[LAUGHTER]
…and the variety of things that man can do that rhyme with tucket.
[LAUGHTER]
Although, Mr. President, if I may humbly, I beg of you, take a small detour off this highway of adoration you have so richly earned for a bit of a comic repast, um, what the fuck is on this guy’s head?
[LAUGHTER]
Hang all the mistletoe you want, Earl of Higgin Hoffenballum.
[LAUGHTER]
Our president’s luscious lips shall never grace your forehead.
[LAUGHTER]
Or is that fucking… is that some sort of secondrate Harry Potter scar shit? What’s on his head?
(IN BRITISH ACCENT) He’s scarred with the mark of the fern.
(IN REGULAR ACCENT) Leviacus Growatosis.
[LAUGHTER]
But the president, almost despicably humble, gave the royals a rare glimpse at his softspoken yet prideful side.
[Trump] We had a very… sick country one year ago, and today… I believe we’re the hottest country… anywhere in the world. In fact, nobody’s even questioning it.
[LAUGHTER]
Nobody.
[LAUGHTER]
Certainly not this fucking guy. Am I right?
[LAUGHTER]
You got something to say to me, King Chuck? Don’t make eye contact, bitch. I’m the alpha dog.
[LAUGHTER]
Trump knows, USA is the hottest we’ve ever been and not just because of climate change, which is a good thing. It’s actually… climate change is… it’s a good thing.
[LAUGHTER]
Cities should be part of the ocean…
[LAUGHTER]
…if you think about it. Because obviously, what’s more important than staying hydrated for cities?
[LAUGHTER]
Of course, this visit wasn’t just an opportunity for President Trump to rub shoulders with lesser royals. He also met with political leaders, like the British prime minister, who had to be reminded that Trump has ended all the wars in the world, especially the one between Azerbaijan and Armenia.
[Trump] To think that we settled “Aberbaijan” and Albania, as an example.
[LAUGHTER]
I would like to apologize very quickly. I stand corrected.
[LAUGHTER]
Azerbaijan is actually pronounced “Aberbaijan.”
[LAUGHTER]
And Armenia is pronounced… Albania.
[LAUGHTER]
I…
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERING]
I regret the error. Trump ended the war between “Aberbaijan” and Albania. Do better! Do better! Do better!
[LAUGHTER]
Fucking dumb shit, fucking… buh!
[LAUGHTER]
That wasn’t smart either.
[LAUGHTER]
Now, the visit to England couldn’t have gone better for our president. Finally, a country affording our great leader the respect and deference that any sun god would command.
[Reporter questioning Trump] We saw the dismissal of a very wellknown chat show host in America last night, Mr. Kimmel. Is free speech more under attack in Britain or America?
How dare you, sir?
[LAUGHTER]
How dare you, sir?
[CHEERING]
What outfit are you with, sir, the Antifa Herald Tribune?
[LAUGHTER]
Why, I wouldn’t even line my parrot’s cage with your rag.
[LAUGHTER]
There’s a very reasonable explanation for what befell this scallywag, Kimball.
[Trump, replying to reporter] Well, Jimmy Kimmel was fired because he had bad ratings more than anything else. And he said a horrible thing about a great gentleman known as Charlie Kirk. And Jimmy Kimmel is not a talented person. He had very bad ratings. And they should have fired him a long time ago. So, you know, you can call that free speech or not.
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
Shut the fuck up!
[LAUGHTER]
Yay.
You may call it free speech in jolly old England. But in America, we have a little something called the First Amendment. And let me tell you how it works. There’s something called a talentometer.
[LAUGHTER]
It’s a completely scientific instrument that is kept on the president’s desk. And it tells the president when a performer’s TQ, Talent Quotient, measured mostly by niceness to the president, goes below a certain level, at which point the FCC must be notified to threaten the acquisition prospects for billiondollar mergers of network affiliates. These affiliates are then asked to give ultimatums to even larger mega corporation that controls the flow of stateapproved content. Or the FCC can just choose to threaten those licenses directly. It’s basic science.
[LAUGHTER]
Read the Constitution!
[CHEERING]
Read the Constitution!
Read it!
Look, there are certain rules of free speech that we must all abide by. But in case anyone needs a refresher, we’re going to go over the rules again.
He does not have a right to have a television show where he lies his ass off to the American people.
There are repercussions to spreading lies.
Exactly!
[LAUGHTER]
And even though two months ago, our president, because of his grand ability to see the future it’s a curse…
[LAUGHTER]
…somehow knew that Kimball would be next, as he explicitly said, you can’t just make things up on television. People cannot just go on television and mislead viewers with madeup crap.
Millions of illegal aliens that border czar Harris brought into the country will be voting.
The bottom line is this.
There is massive voter fraud.
Global warming is a hoax.
Crime, crime is at an alltime high right now.
$50 million on condoms in Gaza.
They’re taking people’s pets and killing them and eating them.
On January 6, two years ago, the overwhelming majority were peaceful. They were orderly and meek. These were not insurrectionists. They were sightseers.
All true!
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
Oh, your lordship.
[LAUGHTER]
I do not know whence these peasants come.
[LAUGHTER]
That last roll of clips, all true, especially that last one about sightseers. Because technically, anything you see is a sight.
[LAUGHTER]
Even… even if… even if that iseven if that is you punching a cop. I see.
[LAUGHTER]
Therefore, I am sightseeing.
[LAUGHTER]
But of course, even before this Jason Kringle situation at ABC, there were plenty of other people in America exercising their free speech incorrectly. So here are some examples of things you cannot say about your political opponents.
You can’t call someone who you disagree with a fascist.
Leaders cannot call their political opponents Nazis and fascists and enemies of the state.
How horrible and dangerous it is to view people with whom we disagree as somehow being less than human.
Thank you. You can’t say fascist. You can’t say enemy of the state. You can’t say less than human. These are simple rules that any responsible member of a society can easily follow.
[Trump] The Democrats, they’re fascists.
[Trump] Joe Biden, he’s an enemy of the state.
[Trump] It’s a very demonic party.
[Trump] Nancy Pelosi said, please don’t call them animals. They’re human beings. I said, no, they’re animals. Of course, I think she’s an animal too, you want to know the truth.
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
Technically correct.
[LAUGHTER]
She’s not a mineral.
[LAUGHTER]
Anyway, he said that a long time ago, back when I was doing a semester abroad in “Abubaijan.”
[LAUGHTER]
You know what? It’s not really about the specific words. It’s about having a basic sense of humanity.
People on the left are much likelier to defend and celebrate political violence. This is not a bothsides problem.
The First Amendment, though, does not protect entertainers who say crass or thoughtless things, as Jimmy Kimmel did.
Thank you. Thank both of you.
[LAUGHTER]
Or I think we only have to be nice to one of you.
[LAUGHTER]
You know, it is true. I do… point taken. Only a bad person would celebrate violence or make crass jokes about it.
Nancy Pelosi, well, she’s got protection when shes in DCapparently, her house doesn’t have a lot of protection.
Donald Trump, Jr. shared an image of a hammer and a pair of underwear that had the caption, “Got my Paul Pelosi Halloween costume ready.”
Well, maybe Paul Pelosi needs the hammer instead of the metal.
Well, it’s metal. All right. Rachel, good to…
It’s metal.
[AUDIENCE BOOING]
No, no, no. Stop. And by the way, there were consequences. This gentleman had to leave television.
[LAUGHTER]
I’m not sure where he went. But I’m sure it’s not some prestigious, consequential position he’s not remotely qualified for. Listen, these two… these two…
[APPLAUSE]
These two could learn a lesson from our dear president, who, like Santa, knows that we are all God’s children and would never… that is what Santa is, right? God’s… or is thatI’m not so up on the lore.
[LAUGHTER]
I know he’s good. But the president knows we’re all God’s children. And the president would never make light of a politically motivated attack.
[Trump] We’ll stand up to crazy Nancy Pelosi, who ruined San Francisco.
[CROWD BOOING]
[Trump] How’s her husband doing, by the way? Anybody know?
You see, that’s how it’s done. You stop in the middle of a speech to inquire about the condition of an 82yearold man, who was attacked with a hammer in his own home. He has a fractured skull, Mr. President. But thank you for asking. Your kindness is only outshined by your manliness.
[LAUGHTER]
So I don’t know who this…
[APPLAUSE]
…I don’t know who this… this… Johnny Drimmel Live ABC character is. But the point is, our great administration has laid out very clear rules on free speech.
Now, some naysayers may argue that this administration’s speech concerns are merely a cynical ploy, a thin gruel of a ruse, a smokescreen to obscure an unprecedented consolidation of power and unitary intimidation, principleless and coldly antithetical to any experiment in a constitutional republic governance. Some people would say that. Not me, though I think it’s great.
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For more, we go to our correspondents, who are live at the DonaldHam LincTrump Monument and Casino. Very much appreciate it. Very much appreciate you joining us. Guys, you know, all this swirling around… are the naysayers and the critics right? Is Donald Trump stifling free speech?
[CLEARING THROAT]
(IN MONOTONE) Of course not, John. Americans are free to express any opinion we want. To suggest otherwise is laughable. Ha, ha, ha. We are a nation of diverse perspectives. And we are not afraid to be different.
Ronny, Ronny, Ronny, what’s up with your tie?
You’re going to get us in trouble.
No, this is… this is the only red tie I have, OK? It’s fine.
That’s not red. It’s… it’s pink.
It’s not pink. It’s at least salmon, all right? That’s… that’s a shade of red.
It’s not red enough. It’s gotta be MAGA red.
Can you calm down? God, is this your first dictator?
[LAUGHTER]
Listen. Hey.
[CHEERING]
Listen. They don’t care about the exact shade, OK? It’s just about being visibly uncomfortable while you praise them like a toddler. We love you, Donald.
[LAUGHTER]
You did so good. You get all your poopy in your potty.
So good, so good.
You did so good.
We’re proud of you.
I couldn’t have said it any differently without, obviously, getting into trouble. Now, before we go to our commercial break, we’d like to end this segment, like we do every night here at The Daily Show and have been ending our segments for years
[BLOWS PITCH PIPE]
[LAUGHTER]
[BLOWS PITCH PIPE]
♪ Oh, Donald ♪
♪ We pledge to thee our world ♪
♪ From the hottest country in the world ♪
[CHEERING]
♪ You only leader with no fake newses ♪
♪ And we don’t even notice your cankles or your bruises ♪
[LAUGHTER]
♪ You ended 8 to 10 wars ♪
♪ And even though some of those countries ♪
♪ don’t really exist ♪
♪ You deserve all the prizes ♪
♪ I’m talking Nobel Prizes ♪
♪ Prize, prize, prize ♪
[CHEERING]
♪ You have a massive penis ♪
♪ Much bigger than normal ♪
[LAUGHTER]
Your Operation Warp Speed got us the COVID vaccine fax, which we don’t like, but it was a great thing. But don’t take it… y’all come back to me, please.
[LAUGHTER]
♪ He’s a superhero who needs no cape ♪
♪ And he was not technically convicted of ♪
♪
[BEATBOXING]
♪ Yeah, Donald ♪
♪ We love you, bro ♪
♪ Because you’re in the… ♪
♪ OK.
[CLEARING THROAT]
♪ Oh, Donald, we love you ♪
[CHEERING]
