Jimmy Carr: Laughing and Joking (2013) | Transcript

"I've been described as the hardest-working man in comedy. Not that impressive, is it? The hardest-working man in comedy. That's like being the best-looking guy in the burns unit. No offence to any burns victims we've got in. Are there any in? If there's one, there'll be fucking loads. They tend to stick together."

Recorded at the London’s Hammersmith Apollo

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jimmy Carr! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thanks very much. Good. Good. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE continues) That’s… …far too kind. Well, let’s crack on, shall we? Good evening. Are you well? – AUDIENCE: Yes! – Fantastic.
I’ve been described as the hardest-working man in comedy. Not that impressive, is it? The hardest-working man in comedy. That’s like being the best-looking guy in the burns unit. (LAUGHTER) No offence to any burns victims we’ve got in. Are there any in? If there’s one, there’ll be fucking loads. They tend to stick together. (LAUGHTER) And we’re off! (LAUGHTER)

Someone came up to me outside and went, “I thought you’d be younger.” I said, “I was.” (LAUGHTER) I’m 40 years of age, but girls still check me out. I wouldn’t mind but they’re so bloody obvious about it, pointing and whispering. (WHISPERS) “Stranger danger.” (LAUGHTER) Every night after the show, I have attractive women banging on my dressing room door. And, sometimes, I let ’em out. (LAUGHTER)
Are there any comedy groupies in here this evening? Any gag hags? Any chuckle fuckers? The only reason I ask is if any girls come up to me after the show, looking for sex, I’m going to have to disappoint you. I mean, we can have sex… (LAUGHTER) …just it will be quite disappointing. I wouldn’t lie to you, it would be like throwing a sausage up an alleyway. (LAUGHTER) More information than some of you wanted.

OK. I’m a stand-up comedian, a TV host, an actor and a writer. People ask me, “What’s your secret?” I’m the M4 rapist. Ssh! It’s a joke! I have never been wrongly accused of rape. (LAUGHTER)

We all like a laugh, yes? – AUDIENCE: Yes! – That’s the one thing we’ve all got in common in this room – we all like a laugh. It’s a very British thing, I think, to come out, of an evening, with the express intention of just having a laugh. Here’s a great fact about this country – the average person in Great Britain laughs out loud ten times a day. Not everyone, obviously. If you work in a hospice or with learning-disabled adults, it could be ten times that. (LAUGHTER) The sky’s the limit! (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER)
Yeah, that’s my laugh, which is… Someone said my laugh was weird. My laugh isn’t weird, it’s wrong. Cos you’re meant to laugh on an out breath, aren’t you? You’re meant to laugh on a “Ha-ha!” “Ha-ha-ha-ha!” I laugh on an in breath, so it’s, “Ah-ah! Ah-ah!” (LAUGHTER) Sounds like a goose being interfered with! (LAUGHTER) Someone asked me the other day, “Is it fake?” Why would you fake that?! (LAUGHTER) “Ah-ah! Ah-ah!”
They say that laughter is the best medicine, so maybe, just maybe, if we all keep laughing at people in wheelchairs… (LAUGHTER)

I’m a dreamer, what can I tell you? I was at a show recently… I don’t know if anyone’s had this experience. I was at a show, watching a band, and… Standing just under the fire escape, watching a band play, pint on with a mate, relaxing, and a lady from the venue came up to us – in the little waistcoat and the little name badge – came up and went, “Excuse me, you’re going to have to move. “Because, if there’s a fire, you’re blocking the exit.” I said, “I tell you what, love. If there’s a fire, I’ll move.” (LAUGHTER) ‘King retard. (LAUGHTER) What did she think I was going to do in the event of a fire? Just stand there, going, “Nobody move! “Why has everything gone orangey and hot? I don’t like it!”

Oh, mobile phones off. I should have said that at the top of the show. Mobile phones off as a courtesy to the other patrons in the auditorium. I say “mobile phones” – what I mean there is “phones”. No-one’s brought a landline, have they? And let’s face facts, the landline is dead. When the landline goes in our house, there’s panic! “Shit the bed, who the fuck is that? We’re both here.” (LAUGHTER) A lot of people text whilst driving. I’m not excusing it, but we’ve all done things we regret when we’re drunk. (LAUGHTER) I saw a thing on the news that said that bad drivers are going to get on-the-spot £100 fines. I thought, “That’s a bit sexist.” (LAUGHTER) Did you understand that? (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) (BABY VOICE) Yes, you did! (LAUGHTER) (BABY VOICE) Yes, you did! I’m not being sexist. How could I be? Some of my best friends are slags. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) Now, is this sexist? You can be the judge on this. Sorry for being rude. But do you think chat-up lines are sexist? No, they’re not. They are fun, right? I mean, they’re cheesy, but they’re meant to be cheesy, that is their charm. What’s that one? I like that one, “Get your coat, “it’s cold in the boot of my car.” (LAUGHTER)

I don’t know if this has happened to you. I was checking into a hotel recently. It’s about one o’clock in the morning, after a gig up in Manchester. Walked into the reception area and the guy recognised me and went, “Oh, Mr Carr, we’ve put you in a disabled room.” (LAUGHTER) I said, “Right, what’s the difference “between a normal room and a disabled room?” And he said “The disabled room’s got a walk-in shower.” (LAUGHTER) That’s taking the fucking piss, isn’t it?! (LAUGHTER)

I’ve got a question for you, ladies and gentlemen. Does anyone in this room believe in the supernatural? Ghosts and spirits and the like? AUDIENCE: Yes! Quite a lot of you. It’s actually easy to tell if your house is haunted. It isn’t. (LAUGHTER) Grow up. (LAUGHTER) That’s me being cynical, but that’s this job. Being a stand-up comedian, I think, makes you a bit of a cynic. Has anyone in here actually seen a ghost? – (WOMAN WHOOPS) – Well, go on, what did you see, Madam? Tell us the story. (LAUGHTER) And there was no-one there! (LAUGHTER) Go on, what did you see? WOMAN: I’m not telling you now, you’ve made me nervous. “I’m… I’m not…” I make you nervous? You’ve seen the undead… (LAUGHTER) …and I make you nervous? (APPLAUSE) Doesn’t really show me in a good light, does it? Go on, where were you when you saw the apparition? I was in, um, a friend’s house. You were in a friend’s house? – Yeah. – Right. And her stepfather was… Her stepfather was what, sorry? (LAUGHTER) I think I may have cracked this case already. (LAUGHTER) There’s a stepfather involved. (LAUGHTER) Was there “ectoplasm”? (LAUGHTER) Go on, what happened? Were you upstairs? – Were you…? – I was in his son’s bedroom. You were in his son’s bedroom. (LAUGHTER) Course you were, love. Go on. He wasn’t there but, um, he died at the same time as I started seeing this weird shit and I woke her up, basically. He had died? You should have mentioned that sooner. (LAUGHTER) And then you started seeing weird shit? – (LAUGHTER) – I’m loving this. There’s a special name for people that have seen ghosts. – Schizophrenic. – (LAUGHTER) All the best with your future. (LAUGHS) Quite an in-depth story. I’ll leave it at that – stepfather did something terrible… and you’ve recoded that memory.

Of course, not all fat people are jolly. Some of them are women. (LAUGHTER) You shouldn’t be mean. Fat girls have got feelings. Mainly, they’re hungry! (LAUGHTER) It’s only a joke, isn’t it? It’s only a bit of fun! I told it the other night and a girl got up and walked out. Well, waddled out. (LAUGHTER) I presume offended, possibly just peckish. (LAUGHTER)

Whenever I’m in the changing rooms at the gym, I’m always embarrassed by the fact my penis is so much bigger than everyone else’s. But then, in fairness, it is erect. (LAUGHTER)

Islamic fundamentalist sex dolls – do they blow themselves up? (LAUGHTER)

In Palestinian passports, under “Occupation,” do they just put, “Israel”? (LAUGHTER AND GROANS) That joke is only there to test where the Guardian readers are sitting. (LAUGHTER)

No further questions, back to the knob gags. I do talk about sex a lot in my show. I talk about sex all the time on stage and a friend called me on it recently. He came to see the gig and he went, “You talk about sex all the time. Are you obsessed?” I said, “Well, I’m not obsessed.” But sex is the great universal topic for comedy. It’s still quite taboo to talk about it openly in public. Everyone’s interested, everyone cranes forward and there’s a lot of tension around sex, and where you find that kind of tension, that’s also a great place to find laughter, so sex is a great topic for comedy. But it’s difficult to stand in front of you good people and talk about sex without sounding crude. So, to try and mitigate that, to try and alleviate that, this evening, if I refer to a vagina at any point, I’ll be calling it a twinkle cave. (LAUGHTER) As in, “So there I was, licking out her twinkle cave…” (LAUGHTER) “…while she deep-throated my tummy banana.” (LAUGHTER) It’s nice to be nice, isn’t it?

I saw a woman wearing a top, it said “Superdry” on the front… (LAUGHTER) I said, “Have you thought about lubricants or HRT?” (LAUGHTER) “Maybe a little bit of Aussie charm?” Are you familiar with the term “Aussie charm”? It just means… (SPITS) …one of those. (LAUGHTER) Australian charm – you’re welcome. A very pleasing look from the ladies of London, as if to say, “Well, I didn’t know that had a name but, yes, that does happen.” (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS)

My girlfriend bought a T-shirt for £80. That’s a ridiculous amount to spend on a T-shirt, am I right? It said D&G on the front. I suppose, fair enough, one of her tits is bigger than the other. (LAUGHTER) (HIGH-PITCHED HONK) (LOW-PITCHED HONK) (LAUGHTER)

I thought my girlfriend was a slag when she told me I was her thirty-second lover. And then I realised she was talking about time. (LAUGHTER) There is a minimum comprehension level – you may be asked to leave. I’m sorry. (LAUGHTER)

My ideal woman would be a single mum… once I’d finished with her. (LAUGHTER AND GROANS) It’s a joke! I’d pay for the abortion! (LAUGHTER) Ah, got you again! I fucking wouldn’t. (LAUGHTER)

Let’s talk about something a little bit more serious. It can’t all be slapstick abortion stuff. Um… (LAUGHTER) My first wife was from Thailand. (MAN CHEERS) Well, don’t, cos you’ll feel bad. It’s actually quite a sad story. My first wife was from Thailand and she died… of testicular cancer. (LAUGHTER) Probably the best way I could describe it is her twinkle cave was an outie. (LAUGHTER)
I saw a transvestite in a miniskirt. I thought, “That shows a lot of balls.” (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS)

Let’s hear from all the heterosexual men in the room. Give us a shout, all the heterosexual men. (MEN CHEER AND WHISTLE) I’m guessing, from that expression… (LAUGHTER) “I can’t remember which one heterosexual is.” (LAUGHTER) “I’m not taking a chance, maybe this is how they recruit them!” (LAUGHTER) The most annoying thing my sister does is that show, Chatty Man. (LAUGHTER) That’s the most annoying heckle that I get at gigs. I like it when people join in, I like a bit of a heckle and a bit of fun. But the most annoying one I get is when I’ve set up a joke, just about to do the punch line and then someone goes – invariably, it’s the same thing, it’s always, “Where’s Alan? Where’s Alan?” It is not my, like, bête noire, it’s just a bit annoying. “Where’s Alan?” MAN: Where’s Alan? – (LAUGHTER) – He’s at your house, fucking your dad. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I think we all knew… Including him, I think we all knew that was a trap. (LAUGHTER) I could feel you, as one, going, “Hold, hold, hold!” And then one brave soul over there said, “No. “I’m taking one for the team.” Or rather your dad is! (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

Of course, not all gay people are happy, camp and fun. Some of them are lesbians. (LAUGHTER) If you’re a lesbian and you didn’t find that funny, you’re surprising no-one. (LAUGHTER) Are there any lesbians in? No, my gaydar is pretty much honed in on this… this pair down here. Hello, how are you two? – You all right? – Yeah. I presume you’re a couple. – Married, yes. – You’re married? Oh, congratulations. Fabulous. How long you been married? Since October. Since October? My God, it’s new and fresh. Have you even finished consummating the relationship? No. You don’t know when you’re finished, do you? That’s one of the problems… (LAUGHTER) …with your lifestyle choice. “We’ll just put that on hold, we’ll be back in a minute.” (LAUGHTER) So you’re married, you’re committed to each other. Well, it’s maybe a crazy question to ask you because you’re in this long-term relationship and you love each other, but what would it take to get you back on solids? (LAUGHTER) Quite a lot. (LAUGHS) (LAUGHTER) She’s a definite no and you’re a maybe. OK, good. (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS)
I love my job. I tell you what, I’m going to do a test and see whether we’ve got any other sisters in the room, see if there’s any other lesbians. “Sisters.” Like I’m a lesbian – I’ve got the haircut, come on! (LAUGHTER) I look a bit like K.D. Lang, I could get away with it. (LAUGHTER)

I’ll test the heterosexuality of the other ladies in the room, just a simple question to test this. Ladies, have you read Fifty Shades Of Grey? – WOMEN: Yes! – You’ve all read that book? You love that book! I would describe Fifty Shades Of Grey as the ultimate flick book. (LAUGHTER) It was the bestselling book last year. What’s the world coming to? (LAUGHTER) It was the bestselling book last year. I can prove it – last year, wettest on record. (LAUGHTER) I think it’s a very interesting book because, although it’s not a great piece of literature, it’s more gusset typing… (LAUGHTER) …it’s interesting because it’s pornography for ladies. That’s what it is, right? And, men, that book is in our houses, isn’t it? Fifty Shades Of Grey is in our house and we’ve not even picked it up. We’re not looking at your pornography, ladies. We’re not interested in your kind of pornography. We’re very happy with the service broadband is providing. (LAUGHTER) Ladies consume pornography in a very different way to men. The genders are very different in our consumption of pornography. Here’s a fact, gentlemen, that will blow your minds about women’s consumption of pornography. Women watch porn films… to the end. (LAUGHTER) You know why? To see if they get married. (LAUGHTER)

Well, it’s probably as good a time as any to talk about how political correctness works in stand-up comedy. Because some people think it’s a free-for-all – you can say whatever you want because of freedom of speech. That is not the case. There are rules and regulations that govern what I do. Basically, how political correctness works in stand-up comedy is, if you are directly affected by something or involved in something, you get a free pass – you’re allowed to joke about that thing. So, for example, homosexual people can joke about being gay. Disabled people can joke about disability. Black or Asian people can joke about race. Those are the rules. So, these two paedophiles walk into a park… (LAUGHTER)

Child abuse – there’s a touchy subject! (LAUGHTER) I saw a headline in the paper, it said, “Police smash paedophile ring.” (LAUGHTER) I thought, “Good, let’s see how they fucking like it.” (LAUGHTER)

Have we got any teachers in this evening? Give us a shout, any teachers. – (CHEERING) – Oh, loads of teachers in. You work bloody hard, don’t you, teachers? Half the year, five hours a day. Whew! (LAUGHTER) I’m not knocking it, I could never do what you people do for a living. Not because it’s difficult – I wouldn’t pass a CRB check. (LAUGHTER) I’ve actually got a bit of a soft spot for teachers. I used to go out with a teacher and she was lovely. But if ever I wanted sex, she always insisted I put my hand up first. (LAUGHTER) – That is ruder than it first appears. – (LAUGHTER) You’re welcome. (LAUGHTER)
Have we got any special needs teachers in? – (SCATTERED WHOOPING) – Oh, there was a whoo over there. – What’s your name, madam? – Danielle. Very nice to have you in. All I was going to say about special needs teachers is you are the best and the brightest, in my humble opinion. The best and the brightest teachers. Because… I can prove it. We all know teachers socially, yes? – AUDIENCE: Yes. – Everyone knows teachers. Teachers are always moaning on about, “Oh, I’ve got homework to mark this evening.” Not you, eh, Danielle? (LAUGHTER) You’re not grading potato paintings, are you? Fuck it! (LAUGHTER) Your evenings are your own – fair play. (LAUGHTER) Was that a little “Yay”? – (LAUGHTER) – I can see the other teachers looking. “I’m fucking annoyed, I didn’t think of that!” (LAUGHTER)
What, sorry? – WOMAN: I used to teach at your school. – You used to teach at my school? – At Burnham. – At Burnham Grammar? Did you…? Not when I was there, surely? – Obviously not. – No. Unless you moisturise a lot. Where are you from? (LAUGHTER) I’m from Belfast, but… You’re from… You’re from Belfast? Right. BELFAST ACCENT: “Ginger and community!” (LAUGHTER) Fa-fan-fa-far-far? (LAUGHTER) Fa-fan-fa-far-far? Aouf-ao-ao? I was just saying what you said to me back. I don’t… (LAUGHTER) Well, how come you’re teaching over here, then? Are you in the witness relocation scheme? What the fuck happened? (LAUGHTER) Fucking grass! (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS) What do you teach? What subject? – What? Sorry? – English. English? You can barely fucking pronounce. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

I did Countdown recently – the TV show, not Dracula’s special-needs brother. One for the staff room. And I got asked when I did Countdown, when I did Countdown I got asked by every man that I know, everyone asked me, “How fit is that Rachel Riley off of Countdown? “How attractive is she, when you meet her?” And it wasn’t like a rhetorical question, they wanted me to answer. And I thought, “Well, I should be able to say “how attractive a work colleague and a friend is without sounding “misogynistic, without being sexist, shouldn’t I?” Let me… You be the judge. Rachel Riley, let me put it this way, I would crawl over broken glass to suck the cock of the last man that fucked her. I don’t think that’s overstating it. Ha ha-ha! I’d like to fuck her brains out – it’d take ages. Ha-ha.

Now, I should warn you there will be some audience participation this evening. Apologies. And the only reason I mention it explicitly is because sometimes, when I ask someone a direct question, they get a bit flustered. I think it’s because they’re used to seeing me on TV, so then, when I ask them a direct question, they get a bit, “What the fuck is going on? “I didn’t press the red button. It’s gone all fucking interactive.”
I got a guy wonderfully flustered the other day. Front and centre, where you’re sitting. I went, “Are you married or single?” He went, “Single.” And the girl next to him went, “He isn’t.” How could you fuck that up?! There was a lovely little pause and he went, “I think I might be single now.”
Who’s seen me live before? Give us a shout. AUDIENCE: Yeah. Well, you’ll know that every year my friend Chris does illustrations for me, for jokes that I write that I think are a bit esoteric, that require a visual element to be fully enjoyed. Would you like to see them? AUDIENCE: Yes. Well, good, otherwise he’d be fucking gutted and we’d be having some quiet time. Which would be shit. I’ll show you some. Obviously we’ll kick off with some thoughts and ideas that I’ve had recently.
Right, so, if you like looking at flowers but you can’t be arsed with gardening, simply run down a kid outside your house. (GROANING) I can’t believe you didn’t think of it.
On Bonfire Night, I hope our neighbours keep their pets locked up, because there’s something about fireworks that makes me really horny.
You don’t get many homeless gay men, which is a shame because they’d be fucking bums.
I was outside a nightclub recently and I discovered that women can be bouncers if you’re travelling fast enough when you mount the pavement.
The thing I worry about when I hear kids in the Third World are working 18 hours a day to make my trainers is when are they going to get a chance to finish my fucking laptop?
I was in a hotel having breakfast and the waiter said to me, “Do you want white or brown toast?” I said, “All toast is brown. You’re thinking of bread.”
At any one time, a bowl of nuts on a bar will have 17 different types of urine on them. – (GROANING) – And that’s why they’re called peanuts. (LAUGHTER)
Wayne Rooney wears the number 10 shirt. Or as he calls it, “The stick and the circle.” (LAUGHTER)
All the celebrities get plastic surgery these days. Coleen Rooney’s just had some work done on her arsehole. He’s had a hair transplant.
My friend reckons football violence and regressive behaviour are triggered by primitive tribal rivalries which are projected onto opposing teams and then expressed through exaggerated displays of loyalty. But he’s a lying Gooner twat, so he can suck my fucking cock.
All that groaning and grunting in women’s tennis – it reminds me of sex. In that I’m watching it happen on screen whilst masturbating.
To explain spot fixing in cricket, it’s what happens when something I don’t understand is done by someone I’ve never heard of in the middle of something I couldn’t give a fuck about.
Spiders used to give me nightmares. Anyone else? AUDIENCE: Yeah. So I’ve stopped eating them just before bedtime.
Of course the worst thing about being bitten by a poisonous spider is that you’re probably Australian. Are there any Australians in? – Yay! – Welcome back.
I don’t like zoos. I prefer to see lions, tigers, elephants and bears in their natural environment. The circus!
Is anyone here afraid of clowns? – Yes. – Are you afraid of clowns, sir? There’s actually a special name for people that are afraid of clowns. Mummy’s little benders. Ha ha-ha! This may interest you, though. Clowns have to register their facial design to make sure that other sex offenders don’t use it.
Dwarves… …often get overlooked. (LAUGHTER) I can say that – they look up to me. Can we treat ourselves to another dwarf joke? I tell you what I know about dwarves – very little. Come on(!)
Here’s a random fact. It’s random, but it’s true. One in ten British kids is now conceived in an IKEA bed. True. How it works is their parents insert flap A into slot B and then screw until the nuts tighten. Ha-ha ha-ha.
In 2009, Nadya Suleman of California gave birth to octuplets, two daughters and six sons, earning her the nickname Octomum. Although she’s also known as Gigantosnatch. Those babies were walking before she was. (GROANING) (APPLAUSE)
Ha-ha! I think the men in the room will be able to relate to this. My girlfriend always wants to stay in and watch Downton Abbey. But I want to go out and get a new girlfriend! I thought it’d be OK for me to have sex with other women because my girlfriend and I were on a break. But, apparently, I ruined that weekend at Center Parcs.

I was going to tell you a story about the poshest place I have ever been. I got invited last year to Clarence House, where Charles and Camilla live in central London. I got invited. I’m involved in this hospice charity cos I’m such a fucking terrific guy. Not because I was press-ganged into it. No, no, no! Maybe a little. Anyway, I’m involved in this thing. So Camilla is the patron of this great charity. So she organised, like, drinks and a concert and dinner in her home to, you know, thank the corporate sponsors and to get more people to donate money, raise a bit of money, raise awareness, that sort of thing. In her home, though, she put on this event. So we’re all in her front room. Literally Charles and Camilla’s front room. It’s the most ornate… Like, high, beautiful ceilings and they’ve got a telly and a couch in the corner like normal people might have, but every square inch of mantelpiece and shelf and sideboard has got a beautiful object on it that they’ve been given by visiting dignitaries, or they’ve picked up on their expensive travels of the world. It’s a very intimidating space to be in. So we’re all standing there having a drink and she’s coming round saying hello to everyone. And she gets to me. And because I’m a dick, as I feel we’ve established… …she gets to me and goes, “Oh, how are you involved?” And I went, “Never mind about that. “Have you seen Cash In The Attic? “Cos we’re sitting on a gold mine here.” And to her credit, it’s absolutely true, she went, “Yes,” winked and fucked off. Brilliant.

I did another weird Royal thing last year. I did the Jubilee. Did anyone see the Jubilee? – Yeah. – I did a little thing where I had to introduce Grace Jones in a Hula Hoop. Nice work if you can get it. In order to do that, I had to get past security at Buckingham Palace. Here’s what it consisted of. So I met an armed police officer. His only job is to guard our Queen, to make sure that no-one steals our Queen and uses her head to photocopy it and make their own money and stamps. I don’t know. So I walked up to this armed police officer outside Buckingham Place. I said, “Security?” He went, “Yeah.” Here’s his question. He said, “Are you an al-Qaeda?” I went, “No.” “As you were.” I thought, “This guy seems fun.” So I asked him. I said, “Does anything funny ever happen when you’re rolling with the Queen?” He said, “Yeah. I’ll tell you this story. Has to be in confidence though.” I said, “You can trust me.” (LAUGHTER) Ha-ha ha-ha! He is not a good judge of character. I’m also in al-Qaeda. No, I’m not. Or am I? No. (CHUCKLES)
But… So… So he told me this story. He said the Queen… her whole entourage, she travels with about 15 people, they went up to Glasgow last year. She was opening a drop-in centre for homeless alcoholics – of course in Glasgow, where else would you fucking put it?! It’s very much ground zero for homeless alcoholics. It’s their biggest export. So the Queen’s there and she’s cutting through the ribbon like a fucking ninja and all the usual suspects are there. There’s the mayor, there’s the local dignitaries, there’s the chairman of the charity, the people that work in the local office. And they’ve got a couple of the homeless guys, the alcoholic homeless guys from Glasgow, that the charity has helped in other locations, suited and booted, washed and brushed, there to meet the Queen, so that she could see the people that had benefited from her kind works. Lovely. So the Queen, as we all know, has only got one bit of shtick, which is the question, what do you do? That’s her only question. She doesn’t point like that – that would be mental. But… that’s her only question – what do you do? That’s all she asks. She said to a Scottish, alcoholic, homeless man… …what do you do? And he came back, rather epically I feel, with, “Same as you – nothing!” Apparently she was fucking terrified.

A friend of mine quite recently – a couple of months ago – got proper, old-school, flashed. Guy in a mac, at dusk, in a park – one of those. Sorry, I’ve added that. I don’t… I don’t know if he did that. You would though, wouldn’t you? You’d give it a bit of cock slap. You’d probably treat her to the windmill, wouldn’t you? Hoo yay! Anyway, she got proper old-school flashed and she shouted, “Rape!” I thought, “Don’t give him ideas. “Don’t workshop it, you fucking lunatic.”
Has anyone in here been flashed? WOMAN: Yeah. Go on, what happened, madam? Is it a funny story, or is it distressing? I was in a club and this guy flashed me. – In a club? – Yeah. In a club and someone flashed you in the club? Yes. Are you sure you didn’t get off with a man in a club? No. “I was kissing him and I undid his zip and then he flashed me.” Go on, what happened? Tell me the story. It was in the middle of the dance floor. Middle of the dance floor and he was throwing some shapes. And one of his was… No, my friend told him that we were lesbians – to get rid of him. – So, to get rid of the guy, – your friend told him you were lesbians? – Yes. That’s how these two started, but then… they liked it so they stuck with it. And did that work? No, she said, “We don’t like cock.” And then he… She said, “We don’t like cock”? So, sorry? So, someone got his cock out in the middle of the dance floor in a club and you went, “Oh, no, sorry, we’re lesbians.” You could’ve just told him to fuck off. You’re incredibly polite. “I’ll make up an excuse so he doesn’t feel bad. I… “I don’t want the flasher to feel rejected.” How nice are you?

And has anyone else been flashed? – MAN: Yeah. ANOTHER MAN: I got arrested for flashing. – You got arrested for flashing? – Yeah. Well, don’t take it out on me. (LAUGHTER) What do you mean, you got arrested for flashing? Well, I was going for a piss. You were going for a piss. This sounds like bullshit to me. You were going for a piss. Where were you going for a piss? Set the scene for us. I’ve never met anyone that’s flashed. Go on. Going for a piss in a primary school. – It was in a car park… – (LAUGHTER) – Got in a car park, OK. – Outside. In a car park, outside, you’re going for a piss. Caught short. Late at night. – Fine. OK. – Yeah. And, er, I needed a piss. So I went up against a tree. – You went up against a tree. – Yeah. Turned out it wasn’t a tree, it was a fat girl? Go on. So you walked up to a tree to take a pee in a car park. This doesn’t sound terrible. So far, I’m on this guy’s side. Go on. So there was a woman in the trees. There was a woman in the trees? Sounds like you’ve broken dogging etiquette by pissing on someone. So you went up to take a piss on a tree and there was a woman in the tree? No, she was walking. There was a pathway. – She was walking. OK. – And it was outside a police station. And it was outside a police station. What kind of a fucking idiot are you?! You went for a piss in the police station car park? Why didn’t you just turn yourself in? That’s a cry for help if ever I heard one. “Lock me up before I hurt someone.” And what… Did she scream? Did she…? – What happened? – No, she went into the police station and they came out and arrested me for indecent exposure. They came out and arrested you for indecent… Is it because you’re a bit ginger? Do you think they would have let you off if you hadn’t been quite as…? I’m sorry about these lights as well. We could well be giving you skin cancer. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) I don’t… I think I’m on your side there. If you were taking a piss, that’s not indecent exposure, is it? What do we think? Are we on this guy’s side? ALL: Yeah. There’s one man, “No.” Stop pissing outside, you crazy fool.

But… Cos there was a woman in the other night with a story. She said, “Oh, I got flashed.” And then she told me this story and I wasn’t sure. She said, “I got flashed.” I said, “Has anyone got flashed?” She said, “I got flashed in Disneyland.” I said, “I’m all ears.” (APPLAUSE) She said, “I was in Disneyland Florida. “I was walking in past the hotels in Disneyland and into the park. “And I looked up at one of the hotels “and the guy was opening his bedroom curtains, flashed me.” I said, “No, he didn’t. You are a Peeping Tom.”

My girlfriend wants a diamond ring. And the only reason I know that is it’s pretty much all she fucking talks about. Let’s face facts. The only way my girlfriend’s getting a diamond ring is if the vajazzler slips. I don’t really understand the vajazzle. I mean, I know what a vajazzle is. I know what it is. They whip away all the hair from your fou fou and then they diamanté it. I say “they”. I imagine you can get some Pritt Stick and glitter and have a crack yourself. Have a sparkly crack yourself, you’re welcome. Um… I just don’t know who that’s for. I’ve never met a man who said to me, “Oh, I love vaginas… “…but I wish they were a bit more zhooshie. “A bit more sparkles wouldn’t go amiss. I want a glamour puss. “A showbiz entrance.”
Has anyone had a vajazzle? – WOMEN: Yes. – She has. What… What motif did you go for, madam? I actually had a heart cos I was a little bit embarrassed to ask for one. You had a heart because you were embarrassed to ask for…? – Like, something spectacular. – You were embarrassed to ask for something spectacular?! So, you were fine with someone putting glitter on your fanny, but you went, “I don’t want to ask for anything embarrassing.” How adorable. And was it for a special occasion, or was it just…? – No, I just thought, “Why not?” – You thought, “Why not?” Well, plenty of fucking reasons. Basic hygiene. Your boyfriend could chip a tooth. Ha-ha-ha! And it was definitely a proper vajazzle, not a Liverpool vajazzle, which is just a euphemism for herpes? (GROANS AND LAUGHTER) Ha-ha-ha!
Has anyone else come across a vajazzle? – MAN: He has. He has? Not hers, I hope. – Go on, what did they have? – Um, I can’t remember. I was my stag do. You can’t remember, it was your stag do? (GROANING) Ooh-ooh… You can’t remember anything? Sounds like a Liverpool vajazzle to me. “No, love, I don’t know what happened. It’s just really itchy.” Fucking hell!
Obviously I could never get a vajazzle because I don’t have a vajayjay. But I would consider glitter balls. You know, for a special occasion.

Oh, speaking of special occasions, there was a couple in, a couple of weeks ago at one of my gigs, 35 years married. I got chatting cos I thought, “Quite an incredible thing in this day and age.” I got chatting. I said, “What did you get her for the anniversary?” And he said, “Deep-fat fryer.” I said, “Well, what did she get you?” And he went, “Chips.” And they seemed thrilled with that arrangement.
It got me chatting to people about what is the worst gift you’ve ever got? Birthday, anniversary, Christmas, Valentine’s – what is the worst piece of shit you ever got? (INDISTINCT RESPONSES) Ahem, we’ve had a heckle. Go on, what was that, sir? A little bit louder. MAN: Tickets to this show. AUDIENCE: Ooh! No, that’s fine. What’s your name? – What? Sorry? – MAN: Toby. Toby, do you mind me sharing with the group? – TOBY: Go for it. – Thank you very much indeed, Toby. That makes it much easier cos there’s a heckle. It was quite a good heckle, quite a funny heckle, but we have to do a heckle put-down now. God. I would love if I could just let it go, but I can’t. There are rules. But you don’t mind me sharing with the group so it makes it much easier. We can go old-school. – ANOTHER MAN: Stop stalling. – What? Sorry? – Stop stalling. – Stop stalling? Don’t panic, sir. I’ve got this. I’ll have to put you on arsehole waiting. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha. Toby’s mum… …is so fat… she’s a fucking disgrace, Toby. Your mum is such a chunm-monkey-wobble-slob, fatty, boom-blatty, blubbernaut, she’s so fucking fat, when she fell down the stairs, I thought EastEnders had finished. Boom, boom, boom-boom, boom, ba-ba-ba-bum. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) True story. Ahem… You, sir. What did you say? What was it? Stop stalling? Yeah? What’s your name? (AMERICAN ACCENT) Gary. Are you trying to say Gary? Watch me. Ga-ry. Ngyergh. Ngyergh. Ngyergh. …the fuck is that?! Well, Gary, if you want my comeback, you’ll have to scrape it off your mum’s teeth. (GASPING) Uh-huh! Ha, ha-ha!
Worst gifts? What’s the worst gift? – What, sorry? – WOMAN: A breadmaker. You got a breadmaker? I’ve.. Your husband bought you a breadmaker. What a fucking arsehole! No, I just hate the whole concept cos breadmakers… I bet he spent like 200 quid on a breadmaker. That’s convenient, isn’t it?! Cos you don’t live near shops and bread isn’t fucking cheap(!) Oh, I’ll just make my own. That’s fine. Cos the ingredients cost more than a loaf of bread, but don’t worry about it. So, what did you get him? (SHE RESPONDS, INAUDIBLE) Instead of an engagement ring, you…? (AUDIENCE GASPS AND LAUGHS) You got a breadmaker instead of an engagement ring? (GASPS CONTINUE) You broke up with him, right? You’ve just divorced him? – Yay! – (APPLAUSE) (CHEERING) Why did you go through with marrying him? I mean, that must’ve been fucking awkward in the office. Oh… “Look at this!” “Ooh, it’s a nice one! Sparkly!” You poor thing.
Any other bad gifts? – (SEVERAL PEOPLE SHOUT) – You got what, sorry? MAN: A dog pooper-scooper. A dog pooper-scooper? Do you have a dog? MAN: At the time, yes. At the time, yes? What the fuck have you done with your dog, dude? What happened to your dog? – MAN: I don’t have him any more. – You don’t have him any more? (GASPS) Toby’s mum ate him! (APPLAUSE) The fat bitch! (LAUGHS) Sorry, dude! Um…
Any other bad gifts? MAN: Nothing! What did you get? Nothing? MAN: I got nothing! Jesus, listen to the bitterness there! I think there are worse gifts than nothing. So, like this, like… Women get bought Hoovers by their other half. And it’s not just a shit gift, it’s a bit of a dig. “At least something in the house has got some fucking suction!” (GASPS) “Well, you said you wanted a bag and a belt! “That’s got both! You’re welcome!”
There was a girl in the other day for her 21st birthday. From her nana… Now, nanas are mental anyway, but her nana bought her, gift wrapped, beautifully gift wrapped, an Argos catalogue. With two pound coins Sellotaped to the front. – AUDIENCE: Aw! – “Aw, pikeys!”

The worst one I think a lot have – Secret Santa. – You do Secret Santa at your work? – MANY PEOPLE: Yes. It’s a nightmare, to get something good for under a fiver, a tenner. I went out and bought a Braun moustache trimmer. She was livid! No pleasing some people. Not like she didn’t need it. Um… The… (LAUGHS) The best gift is obviously anal sex. Um… Not for a Secret Santa! That’s a fucking disaster! But no, it is! It’s better to give than to receive and anal sex is the gift that keeps on giving, unless it stops giving, in which case, it tears. (GROANING) Ooh, too much? (LAUGHS) The worst one that I think a lot of people have bought – gift vouchers. Who here’s bought gift vouchers? MANY PEOPLE: Yes. What were you thinking? You walked into a shop and went, “Excuse me, could you help me?” “I’ve got some money here, this is accepted everywhere. “Could you fix it for me so it just works in this one shop… “for a limited time period? “I should explain, it’s a gift and I’m fucking idiot!”

It’s a great feeling when you get a woman you’ve been chasing for… miles! I’ve known thousands of women in the biblical sense and, by biblical sense, I mean made-up women that don’t really exist. A lot of people just drift into relationships without really thinking about it and we call those people… men. A lot of men say, when they first get together with a woman, they can’t initially tell if it’s “the real thing”, but I can, cos I’ve got a special little indicator that sticks up.

Come on in. Sit down. What’s your name, madam? Alexa. – Alexa? – Yeah. What is it, some sort of cystitis? What’s the matter? – What do you do for a living, Alexa? – Um, lots of things. – You do lots of things? – Yeah. (CHEERING AND WOLF-WHISTLING) Yes, I think I’ve seen a card advertising your services… “Are you new in town?” Go on… (LAUGHS) Don’t let me guess! – So, I’m an aspiring presenter. – You’re an aspiring presenter? – Yeah. – Ooh! Well, I’ll say to you what I say to all aspiring presenters that I meet. I’ll have an Americano, please. (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Oh, I fucking love my job.

Um… Gentlemen, do you remember what you were doing the first time you told a woman that you loved her? I do, I was lying. Don’t give me that look. It worked. I fucked her. We went out for a drink the other night, me and my girlfriend, and we chatted about what people actually think about when they’re having sex. Not a conversation I would recommend. She said to me, “What kind of a man fantasises about his partner’s friends “whilst he’s actually having sex with his partner?” And I said… “Promise you won’t get mad?”

What do you think is the most important thing in a relationship? Give us a shout. – MAN: Sex. – Sex. How long have you been together with your woman? – MAN: Four years. – Four years? And sex is still the most important thing? Well, you, sir, are a liar. Up to two years, I would give you. Up to two years is fine. Sex is the most important thing, you’re ripping each other’s clothes off, it’s fantastic. After two years, what’s that coming up on the inside? It’s coming up pretty fast. Sky Plus! Any other thoughts? Most important thing in a relationship? – WOMEN: Trust! – Trust. A lot of the ladies saying trust. – Any other? – (MAN SHOUTS) – Cricket? – MAN: Cooking. Cooking? Cooking’s the most important thing? Are you the guy from Quantum Leap and have you just got here from 1970? Cooking’s the most important thing in a relationship. Have you ever become engaged by awarding someone a breadmaker by any chance? (LAUGHS) Not the weirdest answer. The weirdest answer I had recently. I said, “What’s the most important thing in a relationship?” And a bloke went… “Consent.” (LAUGHTER) There was a guy up in Edinburgh and I said, “Most important thing in a relationship?” He went… (SCOTS ACCENT) “Me!” The terrified-looking woman next to him going… – Any other thoughts? – MAN: Lubricant! Lubricant? Well, if you run out… (SPITS) Any other? MAN: A puncture repair kit. – What, sorry? – MAN: A puncture repair kit. A puncture repair kit? (LAUGHTER) That’s funny, I like that. I think it deserved more. Come on. – Um, any other? – WOMAN: Love. What, sorry? – WOMAN: Love. – Love? Grow up! Who are you in a relationship with? Your My Little Pony? (LAUGHS) Any other thoughts? The most important thing? – WOMAN: Laughter! – Laughter? I don’t know about that. I do think a sense of humour is what I look for in a woman, cos if a woman can see the funny side of life, she’s much less likely to press charges. (LAUGHS) The most important thing, I think trust. For me, I think trust is the most important thing in a relationship, because, if you’re with a woman, and you don’t 100% trust her, how do you know she’s not going to tell your wife?

I do love it when a woman says those magic words that mean she’s definitely up for sex that night. “This drink tastes funny.” I’m joking! You can’t taste it! I’m not a prude. You’d agree with that, wouldn’t you? – AUDIENCE: Yes. – I’m not prudish. Here’s the thing! I don’t like swearing during sex. Who wants to hear that kind of language, especially from a child?! (SHOCKED GASPS) Ooh, the look you gave me there! You prefer a sweay kid! Fair enough! I had a thing happened to me recently. A little bit embarrassing. I got caught… I didn’t think this could happen when you’re a grown-up. I got caught masturbating… by my girlfriend. What do you say?! “Sorry I woke you!” “You’ve got sleep in your eye.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t like celebrities that are only famous because of who their parents are. Like Calum Best and Peaches Geldof and Jesus!

I heard a reporter on Sky News say, “At least one person killed in suicide bomb attack.” Yeah, obviously! That is the bare minimum you need to qualify. It was something about burning your copy of the Koran in Afghanistan and I was watching it thinking, “I would never burn a copy of the Koran, “because I’ve got a Kindle.” “Just delete it. Don’t fuck about.” I’m not worried about Islamic suicide bombers. They can only do it once. A Hindu suicide bomber, that is more of a threat. (SCATTERED APPLAUSE) Because of the reincarnation. (LAUGHS) “I don’t know what’s going on!” I was gonna talk to you about terrorist threat levels in this country, cos our government picked the weirdest words for our terrorist threat levels. You know sometimes they announce them at the end of the news? The weather, the pollen count and then the terrorist threat level, for no reason at all. And it’s words that I don’t understand. So, at the moment, the terrorist threat level in this country is “substantial”. I asked a police officer, “What am I meant to do with substantial?” He said… “Watch yourself.” I said, “Well, I’m not involved!” Do you know what the highest terrorist threat level is? How’s this for a creepy word? “Imminent.” What the fuck am I meant to do with “imminent”?! I imagine clench. I mean, I’ve never been near a bomb when it’s gone off, but I imagine that – take the edge off, wouldn’t it? And we all know that isn’t the highest terrorist threat level. The highest terrorist threat level, as we all know, is “I don’t care if this does look racist, I’m getting off the bus.” “That is a massive rucksack and he doesn’t need to be saying his prayers out loud. “I’m fucking doing one.” (APPLAUSE)

Where middle-class guilt is overtaken by fear, you know you’re in trouble. Of course, with these jokes, I could face the wrath of Islam. Which I’ve always thought sounds like a shit pub. “Where are we going?” “Wrath of Islam.” “Oh, for fuck’s sake! “There’s no booze, there’s no fruit machine! “There’s no pork scratchings!” “Yeah, but women can get stoned.” (GROANING)

Sometimes, doing this job, you feel very exposed. Not when I’m doing jokes, but when I’m doing an observational bit of comedy. You feel like, if no-one can relate to this, I’m gonna feel a fool. So, share with me if you’ve had a similar experience. It’s always embarrassing when you get an erection during a prostate exam. And they realise! “Hang on, you’re not a real doctor.” Hey, joke’s on her, she hasn’t even got a prostate.

Have we got any teenage girls in? Give us a shout, any teenage girls? – (WHOOPING) – I’m sorry. I realise that is a creepy question! Teenage girls, the reason I ask, I read a thing recently that said that 90% of teenage girls are sexually active. Bullshit! A lot of them just lie there! “I’m frightened! You’re not my real dad!” (LAUGHTER) I often get asked by young guys, young men after the show often ask me, “Can you laugh a woman into bed?” And the short answer? Yes. Obviously, she’s too young for you if you have to say “peek-a-boo”, but, yeah. You can laugh a woman into bed. The tough bit comes 20 minutes later, when you’re trying to laugh her into a taxi home. I don’t want to make a big deal of this, but I recently adopted a newborn African child. He was just seven pounds, plus postage and packing. That’s how they get you. If only they’d put holes in that box. (GROANING) And that is the joke, interestingly, that Richard Curtis said was a bit much for the Comic Relief gig.

Have you all been on that first foreign holiday abroad? The first foreign holiday you went on without your parents? Everyone been on that holiday? MANY PEOPLE: Yes! Has anyone not been on that holiday yet? – SEVERAL PEOPLE: Yes. – Oh, quite a few of you? You’ve got a lot to look forward to. It’s an amazing trip. It tends to be all the guys go away together, all the girls go away together, somewhere hot in Europe that’s cheap that year. We went away, five of us, that went all the way through school together, we just got our A-level results, went away for two weeks in Faliraki. It was awesome! Sun, sea, sex and sand – that’s what we were looking for, that’s what we found. It was an amazing, life-affirming, wonderful holiday. Well, in those two weeks, I had sex with 12 different people. I’m not bragging. I was gang raped. Still, I didn’t let it spoil my trip. If there’s a fight, I let my fists do the talking. (SOFT VOICE) “Please don’t hurt me.”

I went to a fairly posh, single-sex school, but I never really fitted in. I think it’s partly because I’m male. Partly because I was 35 when they caught me. (LAUGHS)

My granddad always used to insist on standing up whenever a woman entered the room, which is ultimately what led to him losing his Disability Living Allowance.

I was up in north London, I saw a guy in the high street with a guide dog and a white stick and I went up to him, I went, “You must be blind.” He said, “Tell me something I don’t know.” I said, “There’s a tree over there.” “Don’t be a dick about it.”

You never forget your first, especially if they’ve got an unusual name. Akela?

There’s something I don’t understand about a woman’s G-spot. I can’t quite put my finger on it. – I can drive a woman… – (LOUD LAUGHTER) Well done! That’s hit home there, has it? Touched a nerve, so to speak? How very apt. I can drive a woman wild with my tongue. Would you like me to demonstrate? – SOME PEOPLE: Yes. – OK, pay attention. All the action is happening here, young man. Drive a woman wild with your tongue. “Have you put on weight?” That easy.

Anal sex is overrated – it’s fucking shit. And it hurts like buggery! I tried it with my girlfriend. She was bored to tears! (SEVERAL WAVES OF LAUGHTER) Has everyone that’s gonna get it got it?

Let’s move along. We’ve been together now for 12 years, me and my girlfriend, so to keep things fresh in the bedroom, we do a little bit of role-play. She pretends to be a nurse and I pretend I’m still attracted to her. (LAUGHTER) That’s divided the room, hasn’t it? There’s people who thought that was funny, and then there are unattractive women.

Some girls like to have the lights off for sex to happen. They like all the lights to be out before they have sex. And they’ve got a name. They’re called fugly munters. I’ve never had a complaint about that joke. I’ve never had a woman come up after the show and go, “Excuse me, I’m a fugly munter. “How do you think I feel?” Hungry?

Are there couples in? Give us a shout. (AUDIENCE SHOUTS) I’ve got a theory about sex in long-term relationships. So, the received wisdom is it’s men that instigate sex within a long-term relationship. It’s the man that says, “Shall we go upstairs for a bit of slap and tickle, “bit of how’s-your-father, “bit of sticky belly?” Whatever you call it in your houses. But it’s the man that asks. I think that is misogynistic bullshit. That’s like saying the man’s got the sex drive and the woman is just passive. I reckon it’s about 50-50 in most relationships. The reason you don’t notice when women asks for sex is because when women ask for sex, it happens. We’ve got the expression “getting lucky” because we’re rolling the dice, ladies. If your woman says to you, “Do you want to go upstairs and fuck?” “Yep.” It doesn’t matter what else is going on. You could be full of flu, you could have just received devastating news, you could have just been shot in the leg… by her. “Do you want to go upstairs and fuck?” “Yes, I do.” But sometimes, gentlemen… You’ll know this. Sometimes in a long-term relationship, you’ll suggest becoming amorous with your partner, you’ll suggest having sex, and she’ll say, “No!” And then she will give you some kind of mercurial strange reason as to why sex could not occur at that moment in time. And you would like to respond. You’d like to argue back, but you can’t think of anything because you can’t think at all because all the blood is somewhere else. So I thought, “Why don’t we take advantage of the situation we find ourselves in? “Why don’t we workshop it?”

What reasons have you heard, gentleman, not to have sex? And we’ll come up with a response. What have you heard? – MAN: Headache. – Headache? – MAN: Tired. – Tired. Let’s deal with those in order. Headache. Easy. If a woman says, “Look, I’ve got a headache,” just say, “I’m going to be right at the other end. “I could not be further away from that problem. “Also, I’m going to fuck you. We’re not doing sudoku. “You’re not going to need your wits about you.” Tired… Tired is like the modern equivalent of headache. And I think genuinely if a woman says, “I can’t have sex, I’m tired,” what you’ve got to do, you’ve got to listen, obviously. You’ve got to acknowledge. It’s not enough just to listen. She’s got to know that you’ve heard. And then make a suggestion. That’s my advice, anyway. Don’t demand anything from a woman. Make a suggestion. So if a woman says, “I can’t have sex, I’m tired,” I’d say, “Of course you’re tired, I hear you. “You’ve got the kids, you’ve got the house, you’ve got work. “You must be exhausted. “So why don’t you, and it’s just a suggestion, “but why don’t you… “do what you normally do and just fucking lie there?” (LAUGHTER) “You lazy fucking cow.” – Any other excuses for not… – MAN: Pregnant! – MAN 2: Too young! – Pregnant? She’s too young. (LAUGHTER) This is a long-term relationship you’re in, right? She says, “I really can’t have sex with you, I’m too young.” Yeah. – And what was that one? – MAN: Pregnant. Are you trying to nudge her towards a three-way? (AUDIENCE GASPS) Is that bad? Clearly, yes. MAN: She’s dead! (LAUGHTER) I don’t want to alarm anyone, but we’ve got a pirate in the house. (GRUFFLY) Hoist the mainsail! She’s dead. She’s dead? And yet you’re still hearing a voice saying, “No.” That isn’t her, that’s your conscience, you monster! – Any other excuses for not having sex? – (AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT) Your cock’s too big? Try fucking a grown-up! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS)
Any other… (AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT) MAN: She’s on the blob! Sorry, sir, can you just repeat what you said there? MAN: She’s on the blob! She’s on the blob. (LAUGHTER) How nicely put, sir(!) I think… I think a lesser man might have said, “menstruation,” or “her time of the month” or maybe “period”. Even “Arsenal are playing at home.” Or “She has the red devil in her belly.” “Up on bricks.” But you went with the much more genteel… (COCKNEY ACCENT) “On the blob! “She’s on the blob, ain’t she?” I think, in all seriousness, if a woman says, “I can’t have sex, I’ve got my period,” I would say, “Well, your arse isn’t bleeding, is it? “Yet. “Yet… “Give me a moment to work my magic.”
The best one I heard recently, someone said… A very nice gig in Cambridge… “Are there any reasons for not having sex within a long-term relationship “that you’ve heard from a woman?” And a woman went, “Morning fanny.” I said, “What?” She said, “Morning fanny.” I went, “Yeah, I heard you. “I don’t know what that is. What’s morning fanny?” And she said, “Do you know morning breath? “It’s that downstairs.” (AUDIENCE GROANS) Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Morning fanny. Who knew? (LAUGHS)

I’m telling these rather bawdy jokes, but I’m actually quite a sensitive kind of guy, quite metrosexual. I remember the first time I got together with my girlfriend, 12 years ago now, the first time we had sex, the first time we hooked up, I cried. I don’t know whether it was the physical act or the emotion of it or the pepper spray, but I teared up. (LAUGHS)

People do weird shit sexually. Shall we talk about some of the weird shit people do? AUDIENCE: Yes! Gerontophiles. If you’re not familiar with the term, gerontophiles are people that find the very elderly sexually attractive. I know. Bit of a mouthful, isn’t it? Gerontophile. I prefer to call them OAPaedos. They like a bit of granny fanny. Where’s the harm? 50 Shades Of Grey – a very different thing for them.

Years ago, this woman introduced handcuffs into our sexual relationship… when she called the police. I said, “I’ll come quietly.”

If you strangle yourself during sex, it’s called autoerotic asphixiation. If you do it to someone else, it’s called a serious sexual assault. My bad.

A fluffy. Do you know what a fluffy is? A fluffy is when you’re having sex with a woman and… Sorry, scratch that. Not when you’re having sex with a woman. When you are making love to a lady. And as you make love to that beautiful lady, a fluffy is when she farts on your balls. Couple of things, couple of quick things. Firstly, really? That’s happening enough that we needed a special term for that? And secondly… how do you ask for that? Not that I would want that to happen, but… when you find out that’s your thing, how do you ask for it to happen? Because presumably no-one asked for that the first time it happened. That was a happy accident. He was working away and one slipped out. And he thought, “That’s not an unpleasant sensation.” But then it’s very difficult to ask for that to happen again. It’s very difficult to come across as Mr Darcy, the king of romance, when saying to the woman in your life, “Would you mind, later on, when we make love, “farting on my balls?” Much easier… take her out for Indian food and hope for the best.

Has anyone in here ever walked in on people having sex? – MAN: Yes. – What did you walk in on, sir? – My parents. – Your parents? (AUDIENCE GASPS) What kind of… What kind of special hug was Mummy doing with Daddy? What did you actually see when you walked in? MAN: Awful things. – (LAUGHTER) – What was your dad up to? His balls, presumably, but… Did you… Did you get an eyeful? Sorry, obviously not like that. That would be awful! You’d have to think that was premeditated… if you walked in and he was, “This is going to be brilliant.” You saw your parents? I presume you followed the classic etiquette of walking in on people having sex, which is, you walk in, I see, off. And in your case, straight to therapy.
Has anyone else walked in on people having sex? – MAN: Yes. – Go on, what did you walk in on, sir? My daughter. (AUDIENCE GASPS) I don’t know why that’s bad, but it’s so much worse. Because if it was your son, I think we would all go, “Yeah, go on, son. Go on, my son.” But with your daughter, you can’t walk in and… “Go on, love! “Oh, you look like you’re fucking loving that. “There’s my little girl.” I mean, hopefully, it was a guy you approved of. Was it a guy you approved of? MAN: He’s sitting next to me. (LAUGHTER) He’s sitting next to you? (APPLAUSE) I hope you obeyed the etiquette. You walk in, you walk out straightaway.

There are certain things people do sexually, though, that that could not be your response. Are we all familiar with the rusty trombone? It’s a sexual practice whereby a lady is kissing a guy’s arse. I don’t mean that metaphorically. I mean that in a far more literal and rimmy type sense. As that’s going on, she’s also administering a hand job. So there’s this movement and the pursed lips. Well, you can see how they got to “rusty trombone”. I’ve got no problem with the name, per se. My question is, if you walked in on people doing that, what would your response be? (LAUGHTER) Are you sure?!

Got a question for the ladies. All women I know have got a very clear line. On one side of the line, things they’re happy, confident, comfortable and enjoy doing sexually with a loving partner. On the other side of the line, things they’ve been asked to do but they’ve said, “No.” What I would like to know, ladies, is what have you been asked to do that you’ve said, “No”? I don’t mean reverse-park or wash up. Where do you draw the line is really what I’m asking. What have you been asked to do that you’ve said, “No”? You look confused. Did you not realise you could turn shit down? Know what I mean? You’re just hearing now. – WOMAN: Anal! – You draw the line at anal? – What, sorry? – WOMAN: Yeah, totally. “Yeah, totally.” But on his birthday, yeah? Man up, lady. That’s where you draw the line? OK, any advance on that? Any other weirder things? WOMAN: Threesomes! A threesome? What kind of threesome was it, madam? Was it two guys and you, or a proper one? Go on, what kind of threesome was it? WOMAN: Two women. Two women. I think, see… I think on the surface that sounds misogynistic, doesn’t it? He’s gone, “I need two women to satisfy me cos I’m such a man.” I don’t think that’s what it’s about. I think he was thinking of you. He was thinking, “Wouldn’t it be lovely if, after lovemaking, “she had someone to talk to?” Thinking of you. He loves you. Any others? Any advance on this? (MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY) Egging? What, sorry? MAN: Pegging! (LAUGHTER) I’m not sure if I’m mishearing or you can’t talk. It’s tough. Go on, what are you saying? – MAN: Pegging. – Pegging? Pegging. What the fuck is pegging? Isn’t that just running? What’s pegging? MAN: It’s where she gets a dildo on and does you up the arse. Do you mean foreplay? (LAUGHS) And she wouldn’t do that, sir? What a prude! (LAUGHS) Any… WOMAN: Blumpkin. Blumpkee? What’s a blumpkee? It’s when you give a guy a blow job while he’s having a shit. (AUDIENCE GASPS AND SHRIEKS) I think… If I’m not mistaken, she just said, “It’s when you give a guy a blow job “while he’s having a shit.” I mean, I’m sorry, madam, a guy asked you to do that? You know what, though? I admire that guy! Because that’s what made this country great. That’s what made… civilisation great. Daring to dream. There’s an optimistic man. “Oh, I’m having a shit. I’ve had loads of shits. Pretty boring. “What about… “This whole area is free. “It’s all going on back here.” At what point in the relationship did he ask for that? – The end. – The end! (APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS) Not a bad way to end a relationship. Things aren’t going well, you’re not getting on. “I’ll see if she’ll suck me off while I’m having a shit.” Cos if she says yes, I think she loves you.

Any other weirdness? The reason I’ve asked that question a few times now is because it’s my favourite bit of the show. Because I know that there are women out there who are currently having pressure applied to their legs… by the men in their lives. There are men out there going, “I just wanted to fucking try it. Shut up.” (LAUGHS) The weirdest one I heard about recently from an audience member was a Simba. Have you heard of a Simba? (SMOTHERING OF APPLAUSE) You know a Simba? A Simba is… It’s from The Lion King, I believe. It’s when you’re with a beautiful lady, you’re making sweet love to her, and you finish on her chest. Fine. Little bit disrespectful, some might think, but fine. And you take… Simba. Bringing a little Disney magic to the bedroom. I’m not sure my girlfriend would appreciate a Simba. But I think… I think I could just do it on my own. I think the next time… I think the next time I’m at home and I’ve got broadband and a bit of time to myself, I think I might try and finish there. Simba. I’ve got a tip for the ladies. Or, if you like, I could put the whole thing in. (LAUGHTER) Just a short one. Do you want to know the secret to the perfect hand job? Use your mouth. (LAUGHS) I left my last girlfriend cos she got really fat. “I’m pregnant.” There’s always an excuse. Breast-feeding in public. Does that annoy anyone else? AUDIENCE: Yes. Annoys me. The baby’s head gets in the way. Can’t see a fucking thing, can you? No, no-one likes having their parenting technique criticised. But would you agree that seven is too old to be in a pram. Would you agree with that? – AUDIENCE: Yes. – Yeah. Would you have said anything? Cos I said as much. “It’s a wheelchair.” “Is it?” (LAUGHTER) Who’s got kids? Give us a shout. – (AUDIENCE SHOUTS) – Who hasn’t got kids? (AUDIENCE SHOUTS MORE LOUDLY) We sound happier. Which is weird, because we’re not trying to get anyone to join our gang. People with kids never stop going on about it, especially when you’re my age. People with kids… (WHISPERS EERILY) “Join us. Join us. “We’re so happy.” You don’t look happy, you look tired. (WHISPERS) “Join us. “Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?” Medical professionals! I’ve got to go now. I’ve got to have 12 hours’ sleep. I’m not even tired. Of course, the pill revolutionised the way that women control their bodies. Before its invention, our poor nanas had to take it up the wrong ‘un. Or face falling down the stairs… in a hot bath drunk on gin with a coat hanger chaser. (GROANS) My best friend’s wife is having a baby. And I asked him, I said, “What do you want, a boy or a girl?” And he thought about it. He said, “I wanted a blow job.” Really mournful. I like getting a blow job off the missus. I don’t know if you get this. I don’t know if you get a blow job om my missus, but… The thing I like about oral sex with my partner… I think the thing most men enjoy about oral sex with their partner is not anything sexual, ladies. It’s the peace and quiet. Ladies, if you’ve ever been going down on my guy and he’s gone, “Oh, oh!” that’s not your technique, that’s not the sound of his sexual ecstasy. That is the sound of a man not being asked a question. I would think about adoption. I don’t have kids, but if I had kids, I think I would have them adopted. (LAUGHTER) People criticised Madonna, but the kids she adopted, Fairtrade. (LAUGHS) Have we got any dads in? Give us a shout, all the dads. (MEN SHOUT) Did you cry at the birth of your first child? – (A FEW SHOUT) – Very few of you admitting it. A lot of guys are embarrassed by the fact they cried at the birth of their first child. I think it’s cos they don’t quite know why they cry. There’s different theories. Some people think it’s the biological bond with the child that you meet for the first time. That can’t be it. You’re only meeting it for the first time. Not like the mother that’s been carying it inside her. That’s more of a biological thing. With the guy, hmm, no. Some people think men cry at the birth of their first child because of the gift that’s been bestowed on them by the woman in their life. That would make them tear up. No. I think the real reason most men cry at the birth of their first child is because they see what the little shit’s done to the missus. “Oh, no! “Now she’s got a vaganus.” (APPLAUSE)

Um… If my grandmother knew how much I spent on her funeral, she would be spinning in her ditch. When I was a kid, I didn’t want to imagine my parents having sex, so I’d watch them from the wardrobe. Can closet gay agoraphobics ever come out? How can you possibly explain the concept of death to a young child? Well, you need a hammer and a hamster. He’s not gone to live on a farm, has he? He’s all over the fucking shop. It always feels so much better when you have a wank with a dead arm. But apparently I ruined that funeral. I remember in the playground, “My dad’s harder than your dad.” It’s not really the issue. The issue is, both our dads have erections in a playground. Researchers have created a contraceptive pill that deactivates sperm before it reaches the womb. My girlfriend has got something similar called stomach acid. 10% of women have cried in a shop changing room. I guess they weren’t expecting to see me there. Here’s an interesting fact. The reason morris dancers wear bells is so blind people know they’re cunts, too. They say, “A problem shared is a problem halved.” Didn’t really work with AIDS, did it? Do you know you can get AIDS from a toilet seat? But only if you sit down before the last guy’s got up. My girlfriend asked me recently, “What’s happened to your sex drive?” I said, “I burned it and smashed it with a hammer. “I was worried the police were going to get hold of it.” Humans and dolphins are the only mammals that have sex for pleasure. But a dog will do it for a biscuit. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) Look. If you suffocate in a “bag for life”… (LAUGHTER) …you’d be fucking livid, wouldn’t you? The irony’d kill you. I recently read Great Expectations, and it wasn’t as good as I thought it was going to be. I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation. – Would you like to see it? – AUDIENCE: Yes! I just need a young volunteer that can keep a secret. You know those human statues you get in the middle of town? You know the ones? Painted silver and gold, stand stock-still? And if you give them 50p when you walk past, they move their hand, like, a fraction. Actually works out cheaper if you’re going to get past them every day just to buy a Taser. I had a thing happen in the high street the other day. You know the charity muggers? You know the ones with the clipboard and the optimism in the high street? I dodged two of the cunts and the third one got me with what I considered to be an unfair tactic. The backwards walk ‘n’ talk. So I hadn’t stopped, I hadn’t made eye contact, and she told me her sad story as she trotted along backwards. And the wording was just perfect for me. She said, “Do you know how often – “people die from AIDS?” – I said, “I’m not an expert, “but I’m guessing just the once.” I saw an extraordinay anti-AIDS thing recently. I was in Johannesburg last year doing some gigs. And I saw in Johannesburg this charity had printed a leaflet with everything you needed to know about HIV and AIDS, cos there’s a lot of myths about AIDS in South Africa. So they printed out this leaflet and, cos they raised more money than they needed, they decided to attach a condom to every leaflet. Good idea. So they stapled a condom… Genuinely true. The Everest of fuck-wittey. It’s weird… Are there any South Africans in? (A FEW SHOUTS) There’s quite a few. It’s weird, the linguistic differences you notice when you travel. Like, in this country when you say, “I’m not racist,” what you tend to mean is, “I’m not a racist.” In South Africa… when someone says, (SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT) “I am not a racist,” it means, they’re about to say something fucking racist! Is this racist? Do Chinese people have Guess Who? (LAUGHTER) I tried that joke for the first time in a tiny little 50-seater theatre above a pub and there was a Chinese lady, front and centre, and she laughed enough that she sort of bent forward and it looked like I’d gone, “No.” It’s freaky. Genuinely weird. I like to think… I like to think of myself as an equal-opportunities offender. I like to think I offend everyone, and therefore no-one. Cos it’s like a blanket-bombing approach to offence. I’m not picking on any group and also I’m not really making any points, am I? I’m just trying to make you laugh for a couple of hours. That’s my only job in this world. I’m not trying to make any points or change anyone’s mind about anything. And the best defence of a joke is always, “It’s just a joke. I was only joking. “Relax. I was just trying to make you giggle.” When you try and say something that’s true, earnestly from the heart, that’s when it can fuck up much more spectacularly in your face. I’ve got a story about this. Do you want to hear it? – AUDIENCE: Yes. – It’s a story about PC blowing up in a friend’s face. So, this mate of mine… It’s quite a long story, which is unusual for me, but it’s a doozy. You’ll enjoy it. This mate of mine runs a comedy club out of university. He’s in his mid-60s now. He’s been running it since the early ’80s. It’s a legenday club. Anyway, he runs this thing. He’s quite a right-on kind of guy. If there’s a petition to sign, he’s signing it and forwarding the e-mail to me. If there’s a march to go on, he’s on the march. Very right on, political, involved kind of guy. Anyway, he runs this comedy club. This incident happened about 12 years ago. He decided to put on a night of American stand-up comedy. There happened to be three American stand-ups in London the same weekend. OK? So he decided, “Instead of just booking one, I’ll book all three of them, “make it like a themed evening, like the Fourth of July. “We’ll get hot dogs and Budweiser and what have you. “It’ll be fun.” So, everyone comes to the evening. There’s 300 people in the club and he’s all excited about it. The first act goes up on stage. He’s a black American stand-up out of New York City and he does what I would refer to as an Uncle Tom routine. If you’re not familiar with the terminology, that means he did a racist routine. All his jokes were based on negative racist stereotypes. He got away with it. He was a very charismatic performer, he was very handsome, but the material was… It was terrible. I mean, at best, it was… White guys drive like this and black guys drive like this. Nonsense. Ill-observed nonsense. At worst, it was stuff that would make your skin crawl, OK? He totally got away with it that night. He got a big round of applause at the end of a half-an-hour set. And he walked back to the green room at the club and my mate went in after him. And he went up to him and he said, “I want a word. “You’ll get paid for tonight’s gig, there’s no problem with that. “But you would not be welcome back at my club telling those kind ofjokes. “I think it’s racist, I think it’s wrong. “I don’t think it’s OK for you to tell racist jokes “just because you’re a black guy. I think, if anything, you should know better. “I think it denigrates the struggle of the African-American people, “and you can never say that no-one’s told you so cos I’m telling you so right now. “It’s racist and it’s wrong.” And the comedian went… …”I agree. “When you’re right, you’re right. “But I’m the other black comic. “I haven’t been on yet.”

I’ve been Jimmy Carr. Thank you very much for coming out. Cheers. Appreciate it. (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) (LAUGHS)

Ta-da! Thanks very much. Cheers. Thanks for coming out. Couple of quick things. Sometimes if I buy a girl a drink after the show, she gets the wrong idea. She thinks I’m just a nice guy buying her a drink. No, no, no.

Who’s going out after this? Who’s going out tonight? (AUDIENCE SHOUTS) Loads of you. Well, I’ve got nothing but admiration. I mean, well done, but I can’t wait to get home to bed. I’ve had a lovely night, I’ve really enjoyed talking to you but I want to get to sleep now. I’ve got to an age where I talk about sleep like I used to talk about sex. You should have seen me last night. I was at it for eight hours. Eiderdown sheets, blackout blinds, the fucking lot! This morning, the snooze button did not know what fucking hit it. Well, let’s break out some rough stuff. It’s that time of the evening. Tell you a couple of jokes that Channel 4 told me were not acceptable. (CHEERING) It was the week of the tsunami. Remember the tsunami? All I wanted to say was the tsunami was terrible. Tokyo was covered in raw fish and seaweed, a situation the mayor described as “delicious”. Could have been worse. I could’ve said “dericious”. But I didn’t because that would have been razy lacism. I had a similar thing with Hurricane Sandy. Remember Hurricane Sandy that devastated the eastern seaboard of America? All I wanted to say was it was the worst thing to hit New York since those two planes. Possibly they got it right on that one. I tend to get into trouble with the papers for a joke once a year. Obviously last year I went rogue. But I tend to get in trouble for a joke with a journalist once a year. Last year the joke that got me into trouble with a journalist was this one. You probably remember it from the last show. Why are they called Sunshine Variety Coaches when all the kids on board look the same? Now, the word “variety” is doing a lot of the heavy lifting in that joke. Right? It’s not that bad. The journalist in question said, “You can’t say that about retarded children.” (AUDIENCE GASPS AND LAUGHS) Time out. Cos Variety, the children’s charity, they do great work, they do a lot of stuff with mentally disadvantaged children. But they also do a lot of stuff with physically disadvantaged children and socially disadvantaged children. You can’t lump all those kids together and go, “Bunch of retarded kids.” You can’t call anyone “retarded kids”. You’re a journalist, you should know better. And also, being offended on behalf of someone else in my mind is literally fuck-all. That’s just you taking the high moral ground. For you to be offended, I think, minimum, you have to be the one that’s offended. So, if you’re genuinely offended by that last joke, you’re retarded. (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) While we’re talking about charitable stuff, as you leave this evening there’s going to be a bucket collection. There’s people with buckets and tins and I’ll just briefly tell you what it’s about. We’re collecting money this evening for abused children, and if we raise between us just £500, we can buy their silence. That’s clearly a joke, right? The reason I say, “That’s clearly a joke,” is because I did a gig in Croydon a couple of months ago and a woman genuinely came up to me after the show and went, “Where are those collection tins?” Just unpick that for a second. So not only did she not realise that was a joke, she wanted to help! Is anyone totally unoffended by anything I’ve said? (A FEW SHOUT OUT) You’re totally unoffended by anything. What’s your name, sir? – Hamdi. – Hamdi. Unusual name. You don’t hear that every day. Well, I imagine you do. It’s your fucking name. – What do you do, Hamdi? – Student. – You’re a student. What are you studying? – Economics. – Economics. Whereabouts? – Royal Holloway. Royal Holloway. Maybe if you’d worked a little bit harder for your A-levels… I’m just saying, Royal Holloway is not… I mean, come on, there are universities that have always been universities, there are universities that used to be polytechnics that then became universities and then there’s Royal Holloway, which I think used to be a 24-hour garage. Then they got a delivery of books and they fucking went with it, God love you. Right, let me try and offend you. Um, all right, when I was at school, a mate of mine got caught wanking in the showers. Nothing? Well, it ruined the school trip to Auschwitz. It is not going to get any more offensive than that, dude… to joke about the worst thing that has ever happened. I can’t tell you a more offensive joke than that, but I can tell you a story about me that will change your mind about me and then change it right back. Do you want hear it? – AUDIENCE: Yes! – OK. It concerns… It’s basically telling you about what it’s like being famous. What it’s like is, people ask you to do things. And it’s nice to say yes, because normally it’s fun stuff. “Do you want to be on Top Gear?” Yes, I do. “Do you want to do a jubilee?” Yes, I do. “Do you want to come and visit a hospice? It’s palliative care for teenagers.” Yes, I do. I got that call about six years ago. I said, “Yeah, I’ll go.” I didn’t know what some of those words meant. I thought, “It sounds all right. Teenagers. I imagine that’ll be fun.” Now, it transpires “palliative” translates to “dying”. And I found myself in a situation where I went, “Well, I’ve got to go, “I’ve said I’ll go,” and thinking, “This is going to be shit.” Hand on heart, I thought, “This is going to be fucking shit. “But I said I’d go, so I’ll go.” So I went there with very low expectations. I thought, “I’ll be lucky to get through this without tearing up.” I went there. It was genuinely… I couldn’t believe what a fucking arsehole I am. Because it was genuinely inspirational. It was brilliant to go. If you get a chance to visit a hospice, go to a hospice. They’re amazing. Cos… I don’t know what inspires you. I like that idea of carpe diem, living in the moment, now being where happiness is. And if you meet life-limited teenagers, they are having that because they are aware of how precious time is. I think we often forget in our day-to-day lives. It was amazing to go and be around. I’ve been back many times since, and I’d recommend it as a thing to do. It’s really fun. They don’t want to be shut away, they want to be part of society. The thing that blew me away when I went there was an incident. So, if I go out to get coffee before the show, if I go to Starbucks… Obviously, my coffee shop of choice. Similar views. But if I go out to get coffee before the show, if there’s a group of 15-year-old girls in the coffee shop, they’ll be really flirty with me, not because I’m some super-attractive dude, but because I’m a celebrity, and there’s a cachet to celebrity in our society, for better, for worse. There just is. It’s a fact. So I’m used to that kind of flirting in that context. I wasn’t expecting it within the context of palliative care for teenagers in a hospice. There’s a girl in there… She’d just turned 15, pretty little thing, and she’s a massive comedy fan. And she had all the DVDs and seen everything on YouTube, like, really into it. And she was really flirty and really tactile. And I thought… Well, all she wanted was a kiss. And I thought, “Well, where’s the harm? “She’s going to be dead before she can testify.” (AUDIENCE GASPS AND LAUGHS) I can see you think that’s bad. But I can make that worse… …with just two words. True story. It is a true story. It just happens to be about a different Jimmy. (APPLAUSE)

Thank you so much for coming out. Thank you very much indeed. Cheers. Good night. Thank you. Cheers. # We hope you enjoyed your stay # It’s good to have you with us

# Even if it’s just for the day # We hope you enjoyed your stay # Outside the sun is shining # Seems like heaven ain’t far away # It’s good to have you with us # Even if it’s just for the day. #


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