Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Jim Norton!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you, Boston! I appreciate your coming. How are you? Let’s be honest, if I had one ounce of balls, I would have worn a sweater and done my entire act as Bill Cosby! “Oh, you look a little thirsty…” A bit of good news for any Cosby fans, he actually does have a new show coming out, Women Make The Darnedest Accusations. I’m going to say one good thing about Bill Cosby in this whole scandal, he has made me realize I am not nearly as big a pervert as I thought I was! I’m a normal, sexually healthy person! Yeah, I like to be spanked, and if a finger slips in, I’m not going to be rude. But if we fuck, I’d like you to be awake through it! And if you do fall asleep, I want it to be out of boredom, like all the other ones! What a ghoulish story, man! I mean, it’s really hard for any of us to kind of fathom that this guy, who we’ve loved for all these years, could be guilty of this stuff. And I understand the instinct to defend somebody who hasn’t been convicted in court. But there’s a lot of accusations. And Phylicia Rashad came out and defended him, and it’s always interesting to see the TV wife defend the TV husband of real-life rape charges… because she would know… Obviously, he would have told her. She’s, like, “I saw him every Monday morning, and no, he didn’t talk about that,” you know. “So, what did you do all weekend?” Like, he was going to go, “I was raping! The girl fell asleep, I sucked her toes!”
You know, people hang onto that, like, well, you know, these women are all making it up, it’s a conspiracy, or they want money, or they want fame. Okay, maybe a couple of them are. Ah, but, you know, 20 women? I mean, over 20. That’s two football teams of women! That’s like if the Cowboys were playing the Packers, and they both stopped at the same time, and looked at the referee, and said, “Bill Cosby raped me!” Well, he raped all of us but Romo. He handed Romo the drink, and he dropped it! It’s just a lot of people to be lying about the same thing, and in the same way. So, let’s play devil’s advocate, I mean, I’ll even say, okay, just to appease those people, let’s say half the women are lying, which I don’t think they are. But let’s just say half are lying. That means he still raped at least 10 or 11 women. I don’t want to say that’s an impressive number… Like, you hear that, you never want someone to see you going, “Oh…” You know. But if you’re a rapist, you’re tipping your cap to Bill Cosby! He’s the Bernie Madoff of rapists! He never had that self-hating moment of clarity. Like, were there no mirrors in any of these rooms? Like, did he not once look up in the mirror as he was having sex with a sleeping woman? How do you keep an erection after your partner goes [Snoring sound]…? That moment of self-recognition and self-hatred is kind of healthy. I’ve had that moment alone! There’s been times where I had to power down and turn off and close my laptop, while I still had cum all over myself! Because the last thing I need is to trip and kill myself as I’m duck-walking to the bathroom… And then the coroner has to come in, and he backtracks, and he realizes what I was watching when I died! “This was no murder, Sam!” He was masturbating watching women with male genitals!
You know, it’s been kind of a sad time for comedy, let’s be real honest! I mean, with our iconic comic heroes, this horrible thing about Cosby, you had Robin Williams die, you had Joan Rivers die. And it’s always interesting to me when something very sad like that happens, the way people react. And inevitably, there are people who just have to make it about themselves. And the day after Robin Williams died, I was out, and there were three women talking. And they were being very nice. But the one woman was just making it about her. And I really wanted to smash her face! She’s a big giant lady, and she had, like, a big, wide-brimmed hat. She looked like Brando in The Island of Dr. Moreau! And she was just one of these “it’s all about me” people. She said to her two friends, she goes, “Oh, my God, it was so terrible that he did that! Do you know, he and I had the same birthday?” And I wanted to ask her, “Where do you expect this discussion to go?” Like, do people hear that, and they’re supposed to go, “Oh, my God! I mean, for us, it’s going to be hard. But how are YOU going to get through this? Oh, once a year, you blow the candles out, oh, how terrible!” And then she’s naming his movies, but she’s getting them all wrong. She’s, like, “Oh, and he was so good in Good Hunting, and oh, in Doubtfire, he was so amazing! He was top of the tops!” And when she said he was “top of the tops,” I really started to think, all right, how much time would I get if I bit her face? Like, is there a way to bite her face, and then just tell the judge, “Your Honor, she said, ‘top of the tops,’ I just saw Cape Fear! I got you now, bitch!”
And Joan Rivers sucked, because it was just so sad for all of us, because it was just so sudden, you know, and kind of avoidable. But I guess for her, it’s great, because that’s the way you want to die. I want to die like Joan Rivers. I don’t want a long, drawn-out death, and tributes. One minute you’re here, the next minute you’re gone. You don’t want some, you know, terrible sad notes to be written to your family. You want your last thought to be, like, “Wow, that nurse has weird nipples!” Gaaahhhhhhhhh! Joan Rivers was so under-rated as a comedian, she really, I think, is the most under-rated comic of all time. Because whenever we talk about, like, the top five or top ten greats, you always hear, like, Richard Pryor, George Carlin, or Cosby, or Lenny Bruce. You never hear Joan’s name mentioned. And I think she was the most brutal… and I say that with affection… the most brutal comic I ever saw perform! She made fun of AIDS, she made fun of 9/11, I mean, recently she called Michelle Obama a “trannie!” I’d be scared to text that to somebody! And when they asked her about it, expecting an apology, like, “Why did you say that?” She’s, like, “Oh! Look at her!” Joan Rivers was wonderful! I would have eaten her pussy 10 minutes after she died! God bless Joan Rivers! Because she never gave them what they wanted! She never said she was sorry. She was more fearless than any comic, she really was. Because they were always trying to get her to apologize!
And in this era, man, that’s what they do! They catch you saying something, and they hound you until you say you’re sorry. And it seems like contextually, it doesn’t matter what the situation is. Like, look what happened to Jonah Hill. Jonah’s a nice guy, he’s not a homophobe. He’s being stalked by the Paparazzi, the guy’s hassling him, and in one stupid moment, Jonah Hill uses an anti-gay slur, and they come right after him. “He’s a homophobe!” And he wasn’t. The guy was all over him, and Jonah Hill just kind of, like, “Suck my dick, faggot!” Like, all right, that’s not a nice thing to say if you yell it at a guy because he’s taking too long making your cappuccino. Fair enough. You owe an apology if you’re in Starbucks, and you’re, like, “Suck my dick, faggot!” [Noise] But it seems like we’re now judged out of what we say and not what we do, because nobody penalizes the Paparazzi!
As a kid, you were always taught what you say is irrelevant, your actions are all that matters. And now we’ve turned upside down, and we’re just the opposite way. Look at one of my closest friends, Anthony Cumia. Look what happened to Anthony Cumia! And you all know Anthony. For many, many years, you know, the show was the Opie and Anthony Show that I was on, and Anthony, look, comic genius, bit of a volatile personality! But, what happened, if anybody’s not familiar with it, the reason I’m talking about it is because Anthony was assaulted in Times Square one night. He was punched in the face by a black woman, and he went on Twitter and said some racially insensitive things. And people thought she might have been a hooker, but I don’t know if you saw a photo that he tweeted of her, she was NOT a hooker. She looked like the boat captain in Apocalypse Now! And Anthony had this camera, a lot of people thought maybe he was being creepy. He had this camera for about a year in studio, and he had become obsessed with photography. He was photographing everything. And that’s just what happens when you hit 50, and you have no love, or children. You photograph things, just so you have something to show people when they come to the house, other than empty beer cans and Xanax prescriptions! And I’m not knocking Anthony, I’m 46, and I’m eyeing up cameras. I’m right behind him! But he photographed… this black woman was walking, and she was in the photo. And I guess she might have thought he was being creepy. I don’t know what her situation was. But she came back, and she’s, like, “You white mother fucker!” And she belted him in the face about 10 times! And Anthony didn’t hit her back. He went home, and I guess he thawed out, like, sometimes an assault, you thaw out after a little while. And he went on Twitter, and, you know, he kind of went on a rampage. And he said some shit that I wish he would have rephrased. Like, I wish he would have called me first and run them by me, I would have been, like, “That’s fine, that’s fine, no! That’s fine, that’s fine, no! No, no, no, no! Put that one there, trust me!” But they fired him, and it was so horrible that they fired him! First, and most importantly, they robbed me of the opportunity to tease my friend by getting his ass kicked by Madea. Do you have any idea… forever I could have made fun of him! Every day, I would have walked in and held up a picture of a different black woman! Oprah Winfrey, “Duck, Anthony! Careful!” And, you know, the problem was, the press just ran with it. And they were so predictable. They always take the easy narrative. Like, I wish for once, they would really just go the extra mile and take the proper angle on it, because, you know, the big story is, “Shock jock says inappropriate things!” How about the story being, “Shock jock is assaulted, but reacts non-violently.” Why wasn’t the non-violent reaction part of the story?
You don’t have to like what Anthony said. You don’t have to agree with what he said. But you do have to respect the fact that he didn’t punch this woman in the face, nor did he pull out the gun that he has on him at all times! And he shouldn’t have. He shouldn’t have pulled his gun. But he didn’t. And Anthony’s one of those guys who’s armed all the time, like, I’ve been at his house 3:00 in the morning, he’ll be in his underpants with just a gun. If you look through the window, you’d think he was either, like, a tall six-year-old playing sheriff, or a man who’s mentally ill! I have been in his Jacuzzi with him at 3:00 in the morning, just me and him… as friends… and he has a gun within arm’s distance, outside of the Jacuzzi. And at one point I said to him, like, “Dude, is something going to happen here that I’m not aware? Like, you know, are you going to all of a sudden point that at me?” And, I’m, like… [gurgling sound] My head’s going to pop out of the water, I’m going to hear the Cosby theme song coming out of the house? Because I do think the fact that he behaved responsibly as a gun owner is worth noting. Because I’m telling you very honestly, if I had a gun, that woman would have gotten shot! But not out of being a tough guy, or being angry, I would have panicked, because I can’t fight for shit! And any woman that walks up to a guy at 3:00 in the morning and goes, “You white mother fucker,” and punches him probably could kick the shit out of me! So I guarantee you, if she hit me once, I would have pointed the gun at her in a panic, “Get away from me, madam!” And I would have shot her 30 to 40 times! And putting it away, I would have panicked, and shot myself, like Plaxico Burress! Then I would have went home on Twitter and blamed the Puerto Ricans!
You know, gun ownership’s a big responsibility. Like, I don’t think I’m the right mentality to have one. Like, I’ve been dying to get one. And it’s not even to shoot people, I just want one for those annoying day to day interactions, like… do you ever go to return an item with no receipt? How great would a gun be at those moments? You don’t have to brandish it, just quietly put it on the counter. “Do you have a receipt?” I don’t know, do I? And the thing you got to be careful about is, you never know who’s armed. Like, Anthony behaved responsibly. But not everybody does. There was a guy in Florida shot and killed for texting in a movie theater! Now, obviously, you hear that, you have mixed feelings… That’s one of those stories you hear, you’re like, oh! Ahhh… And the guy who got shot was in his 30s, and the guy who killed him was a 71-year-old retired police captain. You can’t find a crankier human being than a 71-year-old… “I got all you guinea hoods locked up!” And I’m not saying the young guy deserved to get shot, but I think he read the situation wrong, because they started to argue, and it got very, very heated. Now, first of all, in fairness to the old guy, old people sucked with technology. He probably had no idea, he saw the glow of the cellphone, and, “The man’s got plutonium!” And panicked, and shot his pants! But they started arguing, and it got very heated, then the old guy shot him. If you’re in your 30s, and you’re having a really nasty argument with a very old man, and the old man’s not backing off, find out what he used to do for a living! Because there’s a reason he’s not backing off! So, at one point, just go, like, “What did you used to do?” And if he’s, like, “I was a baker!” Then kick the shit out of him! But if he says, “I was a police officer!” Say, “Thank you for your service!” And another thing that should have tipped the young guy off is, they were both there with their wives. You don’t argue with a man who’s that old if he’s with his wife, because that guy’s been married a long time, he’s looking for a way out! Shooting you does not represent dying alone in prison; it represents a 30-year vacation with better food and more sex!
I’ll tell you what really scares me, though. It’s not necessarily the random shootings, because those are very rare, and you can’t live life being afraid of that. It’s the workplace shootings, because those do not feel random. You always see those coming. So, there’s, like, an anticipation before it happens. Because it’s always that one fucking nut on the job, you know what I mean, who slowly descends into being crazy. Because no one goes on a rampage the day they get hired. You know, it’s never, like, “Welcome aboard! Let me show you where the break room is.” “I’ll never need it!” You know. Oh! By the way, was that the worst impression ever of pulling a gun? Who the fuck draws, like… If I ever wonder why I don’t get acting work, remind me of, you know, “All right, Jim, you’re a bank robber,” okay, “Give me your money, see?” Cut! What the fuck are you doing?” It’s always one of those guys that people start talking about for a month, like, “I think there’s something wrong with Bill! “What do you mean?” He holds his pen like this! He writes, ‘JEWS’ in capital letters… “And you watch those post-shooting interviews, they’re never shocked by who the shooter is!” Were you surprised Bill went on a rampage? “Oh, no, not at all! We knew Bill was going to kill all of us! “How did you know?” Well, he’d say, ‘I’m going to kill all of you!’ And then he’d spit in our food and walk out of the break room! We tried to have him fired, but he’s one quarter Native American. It was a Human Resources issue!”
But it’s so interesting to me too, because I think by this point in your life, you know, what a gunshot sounds like. We’ve all heard them or seen them in the movies or on television, and yet, they never think that’s what it is the day of the shooting. I don’t know what it is, but the interviews are always the same. It’s, like, “Well, I was at my desk, and I heard, pop pop pop, pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop! And I thought it was firecrackers! So, I went out into the hallway, and it was Bill. And he was wearing Army fatigues, which I thought was odd, because he’s an attorney. And he was pointing something at people who were sleeping on the floor, with cranberry sauce on them! I said, ‘Bill, what are you doing, Bill?'” Like, I understand you’re in shock, but Jesus, fucking firecrackers? When was the last time you had your workday disrupted by fireworks? We saw that story on the news, it was, like, “Well, I was at my desk, and I heard, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop!” “What happened?” “Edna turned 75! We threw firecrackers into the office, and she screamed because she broke her femur, jumping up in happiness!” “What was all the, ‘Help, help’?”Oh, nothing, we’re just going to teabag her until the ambulance gets here!”
But you sense that kind of stuff off people. And we’re taught to ignore that, because it’s not social polite to prejudge people. But I think that we all connect on some weird level that’s inexplicable. Like, I had a weird moment when I was in Washington, D.C. recently, in my hotel. And this is not, like, an ominous or threatening thing, it was just a weird, connecting, uncomfortable moment. I was in the elevator with three other guys, and we were all strangers to each other, four total strangers. And a woman steps on the elevator, before the doors close. And she starts to talk to one of the guys. And she goes, “Hey, I just started working here, is there anything I can do to make your stay better?” And when she said that, of course, I had a couple of things come to… you know, but I figure it was just too awkward to blurt out. “You could eat my ass,” you know, I just figured that’s… because if that doesn’t get a laugh, that’s an ugly elevator ride! “What?” Oh, I was just… “So, nobody said anything. And she got off about three floors later. And then there was an uncomfortable silence between the four of us guys that were remaining. And one guy finally couldn’t hold it in. And he just blurts out, he goes, “Damn, there was a few things I wanted to tell her she could do to make my stay better!” And the other two guys were, like, “Yeah, I was thinking the same thing!” And then finally, pussy-boy, Jim goes, “Yeah, me too, guys! I was thinking the same thing!” But then, I just kind of creeped everybody out, “She could have eaten all our asses, right guys? And then we could have killed her, huh?” Now, that’s not an ominous or scary thing, but the interesting thing to me was that four absolute strangers, independently, came to the exact same wrong conclusion! Because she was not being flirtatious, she wasn’t being sexual, she was dressed, you know, very professionally. Just trying to be nice. “Is there anything I can do to help…” We’re all, like, “Yeah… grrrrr!”
Now, you probably attribute that to collective male immaturity. I think that’s male immaturity, to be very honest with you. Because from my hotel window, I could see the Washington Monument. I spent an hour staring at the Washington Monument holding up two apples, trying to snap a photo… Because to every guy I know, me licking a 500-foot dick is hilarious! It’s a really weird time for us culturally, isn’t it? It just seems like we’re kind of adjusting to all the new technology and the instant communication. And as a result of that, a lot of us are getting in trouble. And you know, it’s not even for things like, Jonah Hill had the outburst, or Anthony for what he said on Twitter.
People are getting in trouble for what they said a long time ago! I mean, look at Paula Deen, and her… and by the way, the Paula Deen outrage, you’ve got to be very careful, because talking about race gets people in trouble. Talking about race gets white people in trouble. And by the way, that’s not black people’s fault, that’s white people’s fault. Because, you know, most white people… I can’t say all white people… but a lot of white people, whey they deal with race, they don’t deal with race. Their idea of addressing racism is just finding other white people to throw under the bus so they don’t look particularly bad. Because black people didn’t give a shit about Paula Deen. That was a bunch of fake white people going, “Could you believe she said the ‘n’ word?” Yes! She’s almost 70, from Georgia! I’m impressed she doesn’t have it tattooed on her knuckles! Because all white people want our black friends to know we’re not racist, but it’s an awkward conversation to have. You can’t just walk up to your black friends for no reason and go, “Hey, hey, hey, hey, I don’t say, ‘n i g g e r’! But I can show you someone who does!” And it was also, by the way, something she said 35 years ago. Thirty-five… that was embarrassing to me as an American. We’re going to go into each other’s pasts, 35 years, and find little things we… it’s not like she was driving down the street now with a GoPro hooked up and a bullhorn, just yellowing, “Attention, you at the bus stop, with the matching hat and shoes,” you know… And it was, like, it kind of made me cringe. I’m, like, are we really going to go over somebody’s history? Can any of us withstand that scrutiny of having our whole lives opened up? Can anybody say we’ve never said anything racist? Like, not once? You know, you never got cut off by an Asian guy and said, “Of course!” Never? Like, you never saw a Jew picking up a penny and tried to sneak a photo with your iPhone really fast? Good luck, they’re hard to get! They’re very fast! You’ll never get that one! You just got a sleeve, coming backwards, you know… But it annoyed me so much, because it was so fake. It was just a chance for people to use her to show everyone how wonderful and progressive they are. So, I was on Twitter. And I like Twitter, it’s a great place to have a rational discussion. And I was making fun of all the fake outrage about Paula Deen. I also wanted to bash Paula Deen. I don’t hate her. I thought she was great in Total Recall when her head came apart in the airport. But I don’t particularly like her. So, at one point, after I made fun of all the fake outrage, I tweeted, “By the way, just for the record, I do think that Paula Deen is a fat, irritating cunt!” Now, I know that sounds really harsh, but I put a little winky face and a smile. It was cute!
And you know, you can never give a shit if somebody gets upset, because no matter what you say publicly, there’s always one person who wants to step in the line of fire on purpose, just to get upset, so they get a little attention for themselves. So, this big fat lady on Twitter gets mad at me because I used the word, “fat.” She’s, like, “Oh, Jim Norton”… it’s, like, first of all, the word “fat” there was not meant to attack fat people at all. I was simply using the word “fat” as kind of a gateway insult to get to “cunt.” That’s all I was doing! “Cunt” is obviously the point, but you can’t have “cunt” in the middle, because nothing follows it! “Cunt” has to be… “cunt” is not the single in the third inning, “cunt” is the walk-off home run in the bottom of the 11th! You know what you say after “cunt?” Ta daaa! That’s what you say! So, this woman gets really mad at me, and she @-mentions me, and she goes, “Oh, now Jim Norton is fat-shaming!” Unfollow! Oh! First of all, are you sure you’re not unfollowing me because I’m walking quickly? And second of all, can we stop with the victimizing terms, like, “fat-shaming,” all the time? Just because you mentioned a condition, it doesn’t mean you’re shaming victims! How come nobody accused me of “fat-shaming” the first 20 years of my career, when all I did was attack my awful torso onstage? I made a living for two decades mashing my… because first of all, I was 30 pounds heavier, and it was not evenly distributed. It was, like, between my pubis and my weak chin! Like a little bag of placenta! I would call myself an “ugly, unfuckable amoeba!” Patrice O’Neal said, “Jim Norton looks like any container you pour him in!” Nobody attacked Patrice, “Hey, that’s not right!” You know? I used to do a joke in my act, right? Talked about taking a dildo and duck-taping it between my almost-C-cup breasts, and killing myself with a gun on New Year’s Eve! Not one person ever said, “Hey, don’t go fat-shaming yourself, that’s…” No! They were more, like, Ahhh! “Do it, piggy tits! Ahhh!” And the way, you know, it’s funny, because I have dropped the weight, and, you know, there’s still… Would I be really annoying if I got cocky after I said that, and just trying to… People ask, like, “How do you drop the weight?” And it really is just from, you know, doing the right thing. Keeping it off is really hard. And one of the things that helped me keep the weight off, honestly, was, you kind of get used to compliments. And people are going, “Hey, you look like you lost some weight,” and it makes you feel good about yourself. And some of you understand this story.
I was a… I’m an Ozzy Osbourne fanatic for my entire life. And I’ve met Ozzy many times, I’ve interviewed him over the years, and I never expect Ozzy to remember me, because there’s this really nasty rumor that he experimented with drugs in the ’80s… and the last time I saw him, not only did he recognize me, but he realized that I had lost weight. And it was one of the most surreal moments of my life. Ozzy walks in, and he goes, [Enlish accent] “Hey man, you’ve lost a lot of weight, you look great! What have you been doing?” And I was so blown away that Ozzy realized I lost weight, that I responded to him in an Irish accent! I have no idea why I did it! It wasn’t planned! He’s, like, “You lost weight, what have you been doing?” And I was, like, [Irish accent] “Ah, just going to the gym, eating better!” I swear to you, I didn’t… hey, if Ozzy compliments you, pretend you’re from somewhere else, you know? [Irish accent] “Ah, just lifting a few weights, man!” You know. I didn’t even realized I had done it until an hour later, when Anthony went, “What the fuck was that?” One of the most humiliating moments of my life, that I did that! And Bob Kelly, that piece of shit! If Bob gets hit by a bus tonight, it won’t be soon enough! He couldn’t have been happier! He had that audio on his phone, he was playing it for people who didn’t even know who the fuck I was! “Dude, listen to this fake piece of shit! Jim Norton… duh… he doesn’t even know who he is… duh… like, he’s from fucking Ireland!”
There’s also a lot of concerns, it seems, I don’t know, are you guys concerned about your privacy going away? It really does seem like that’s been a big topic of conversation for the last few years; is that our privacy is being taken away. No, it’s not. It’s being given away, by us. And it’s not big brother, it’s not the government, we’re snitching on each other! We are tattling on each other! We’re the one taking each other’s private information and uploading it, and giving it to the newspapers. That’s us! Donald Sterling was a great test of how much do we value privacy in this country, and we failed miserably! We failed miserably, because he’s not a likable guy. And you can’t judge privacy by whether or not somebody is likable. I wish they would have caught him committing a crime! He didn’t deserve to lose a billion dollar franchise because he said nasty shit in his house! Like, wouldn’t it have been better if they caught him in a pedophile sting? Wouldn’t that have felt just something, like, “Ahh, bring in those kids, I’m going to fuck them all! But only the white ones, I don’t fuck black ones! I only fuck the white ones! Then people could sit around and go, “Ugghh! He’s a racist!” You know. And again, he’s not a nice guy, and his girlfriend was kind of a twat to tape him, but I didn’t like his little schoolboy answer. He’s not an empathetic character. “Oh, I thought that girl liked me!” You’re 80, she’s 35! If she’s fucking you, it’s for your money! And I’m not knocking that arrangement. That encourages me to work hard, and save my money and be somebody, so when I’m 80, I can fuck a 35-year-old! But I’m not going to be delusional about it and think she’s into it. Like, what do you think? That’s her fetish? She wants your rotten, silly-putty dick jammed into her? “Yeah, I’m going to give it to you slow!” Then his dementia kicks in, he just stops! She’s got to yell at him, “Donald!” “Ahh, who are you? You’ve got an Adam’s apple and a visor! Aargh!” Pisses on her leg, “Aargh!”
But he’s a hard guy to empathize with, because he is a racist, you know? He’s not a hateful neo-Nazi type of racist, like, he doesn’t want to beat the shit out of black people, he is one of those really old guys who doesn’t even know he’s a racist. Like, he’s the type of guy who would meet President Obama and go, “Boy, you people sure have come a long way! You’re as good as I am!” And he was mad that his girlfriend was hanging out with all these world-class athletes and posting the pictures on social media, probably because his friends were giving him shit. And now, on the tape is that one funny moment, where she, like, has a picture with Magic Johnson. And he yells at her for it. And she’s, like, “Well, I happen to admire Magic Johnson!” And he’s, like, “Well, you can admire him, but do it privately! You could bring him over here, you could feed him and fuck him, just don’t post it on Instagram!” You’re encouraging her to fuck Magic Johnson? Donald, perhaps you haven’t heard… That’s the last guy you should be encouraging her to fuck! Let her fuck Kobe Bryant, or LeBron James, like, and then put on an oven mitt and jerk Magic off into the sink! Guy’s a billionaire, he has a 1980 Forrest Gump understanding of AIDS! “Why you coughing so much, Jenny?” You look really thin! Boy, him and Lieutenant Dan did really great with the ladies. “Forrest, this is my fat Asian wife, Susan, Forrest! We did really great with the chicks! Your wife weighs 40 pounds, and my wife looks like the guy who sang “Gingham Style”! Who knows, maybe Sterling did have dementia, I don’t know. Maybe that… they said that’s why they took the team, because his faculties weren’t all there.
He didn’t look good in the Anderson Cooper interview. I don’t know if you guys remember that interview, but whenever you get in trouble, the first thing the lawyers tell you is shut the fuck up, don’t talk to anybody. And I’m always, like, no, go out there and speak up for yourself! But then I saw him in that Anderson Cooper interview, and I’m, like, “Oh, that’s why they tell you to shut the fuck up!” Not good! Jerry Sandusky did a better job of damage control in the Bob Costas interview. And that was not a good job of damage control, at all! “Why did you shower with them? “I just like when their hineys smell like shampoo, Bob! I like when we would wrestle around and our scrotums got tangled up like old phone cords! There was nothing wrong with those boys sleeping over and screaming into a pillow for an hour and a half, while my codependent, Brian-Dennehy-looking wife just stayed upstairs making cookies and whistling, so she couldn’t hear the screams!” Another fucking delusional spouse, “Who wants a cookie?” “Aha, ha, ha!” Ooh, someone needs a sugar cookie to dab those tears and bleeding assholes, doesn’t he?” So, look, maybe, you know, maybe his mental health wasn’t good, because Sterling, it seemed like that Anderson Cooper interview was going okay, and then it just went off the rails very suddenly, it was really bizarre. They were talking, and out of nowhere, Sterling goes, “And when has Magic Johnson done it so great?” And you could see Anderson Cooper was actually thrown by this. He’s, like, “Well, you know, he’s an entrepreneur, he’s started a lot of businesses.” And then Sterling just blurts out, “He’s got AIDS!” That’s the greatest example of an old man blurting shit out you’re ever going to see in your life! That’s the type of thing you’d expect an old guy to say when he’s walking, like, with his ass hanging out of a hospital gown. “Yeah, he’s got AIDS! He’s putting AIDS in my Jello and in my orange juice!”
And it’s not even, you know, again, going into people’s pasts, or privacy invasions. You can also get in trouble in this culture that we’re in right now for giving an opinion that one segment of the population finds unpleasant. Like, we claim that we like honesty and open dialog, and then all we do is go after people for saying shit we don’t like! Phil Robertson, the patriarch of Duck Dynasty, in an interview with GQ said he was against gay marriage. And I don’t like that opinion, I think it’s stupid, and I’m all for gay marriage. But you shouldn’t be afraid to say you’re against it. You know? Because A&E was so full of shit, they pulled him off the air. They’re like, “We had no idea he felt that way!” I know, why would you? He’s only a born again Christian preacher! What are the odds he’s against gay marriage? A hundred percent! Those are the odds! The entire family looks like the Unabomber, how do you think they feel about gay people? Here’s the rule of thumb: When you say, “homosexuals,” you’re against gay marriage! And he said something like, “You know, I’m against homosexuality, bestiality, fornication.” And I understand why gay people were upset. I mean, I really do. I mean, no one wants to be mentioned right before “bestiality.” I get it! I don’t think gay people are being unreasonable to go, “Look, you don’t have to love us, but could you separate us from the dog fuckers by more than a comma, you piece of shit?” But he gets pulled off the air, and people were celebrating, and groups were happy. And that’s a very dangerous place to be in a free society.
The only group that should have been happy he got in trouble are ducks! I understand if ducks hate Phil Robertson, because that duck whistle is responsible for a duck holocaust. So, I get it if they’re not a fan of his! And first of all, like, I don’t hunt ducks, so I don’t know anything about it. But I will say, if you have to trick a duck, you’re a shitty hunter! I’m sorry! Because ducks aren’t dangerous animals. You know, like a bear or an alligator, where it’s kill or be killed. This is kill, or wait a few more minutes! That’s all it is! You know, ducks are very, very… they’re very non-threatening. They have little, fat delicious stomachs, their legs are this long, they kick their own assholes when they run! They’re not hard to find. You’d think if you were that helpless, you’d kind of keep it on the D-L when you’re in the forest. But these idiots walk through like they’re the fucking mayor! “Raahh! Raahh! Raahh!” You don’t need to “trick a duck.” You know what you need to hunt a duck? Two ears and a hammer. That’s all you need to hunt a duck! Or, a piece of Wonder Bread, you impatient mother fucker! Just stand at the end of the lake and wave it! They don’t speak English, you could even tell them what you’re going to do! “Come here, little duck! I’m going to bash your brains in! Gonna bash them right the fuck in!” Ducks are so stupid; while one duck is eating the bread, you could pick the other duck up by the legs and Caligula-smash his head into a rock! The other ducks wouldn’t even flee! They’d all go, “Oh, look, he’s drying Murray off, how helpful!” You know how stupid ducks must feel when they fall for that duck call? How humiliating! They’re, like, [DUCK CALL], they’re, like, “Come on, guys, someone needs help!” You’re, like, pop pop pop, pop pop pop pop pop! “No, it’s okay, I think it’s just firecrackers!”
It’s just a very scary time for privacy, and for stuff like that. And I think part of the reason we are so ill-equipped to handle everything is because we didn’t understand the technology that was coming. People are getting in trouble, because we’re responding immediately to things. And here’s why: Because nobody warned us about this. Nobody told us when we were in high school. Did anybody come to you, we talked about the future? They said things like, “Oh, you’re going to have flying cars,” or, you know, “Mom’s going to push a button and a pot roast will show up in the living room! Ooh! Good for mom!” No guidance counselor ever just said, “Jim, stay alive, because someday soon, you’re going to have a six-inch glass telephone that you can use to photograph your dick! And you can send it to any girl in the world!” I wouldn’t even ask if it made phone calls! We’re losing the ability to pause. Now, I have a lot of dick photos on my phone. And that’s easy for me to say as a comedian. I know as regular people, I have a little more leeway than you do; you know, you’re a schoolteacher, you can’t go on Facebook, “Took a great cock shot! L-O-L!” I had so many pictures of my dick on my phone, I can’t hand my phone to a family member. Like, if I was having a stroke, and my mother was, like, “Quick! I’ll call the hospital!” I would have to go, “Fuck it! I’ll be all right, ma!”
But, you know, it’s so easy to ruin somebody’s life. And once again, we’re not punishing the people who are releasing the information, who are doing the life-ruining. We’re actually penalizing the people whose stuff is stolen, and whose text messages and shit are posted online! Like, Anthony Weiner in New York is a great example. I don’t know much about his politics, I just know that people who voted for him felt that he really did what they wanted him to do, and his career is ruined because of stupid dick pictures! And people were, like, “He used very poor judgment!” I thought he used wonderful judgment! He wasn’t cheating on his wife at all, he was just talking to her! He didn’t risk disease, he didn’t risk pregnancy. He didn’t waste gas! That, to me, is an excellent… by the way, and it shows you how full of shit people are! Because how many years have we been saying, “Why can’t we get a regular guy elected to office?” That was the best shot we’re ever going to have! Because what says “regular guy” more than a man who gets in trouble sending a photo of his dick, and then does it again? He did it again! When he did it the second time, every guy in this country should have said, “I’m going to follow this guy to the White House, because he understands who I am!” And the pictures were not good. I mean, we all saw the picture. I mean, it was something that he really… that had… he had a towel around it, he had a hard-on tenting, and his body, and his face. And when I saw that he had put his face and his heart on in the same picture, I wanted to hug him! Like, come here, you rookie, get over here! What is the matter with you? Never! I’ll send my face, I’ll send my dick. Never in the same photo! I won’t even take those pictures in the same room, so you can put them together later in Photoshop! Like, if you want a picture of my face, I’ll go outside and stand in front of a tree, or have some sunshine. And then, if you want my dick, I’ll, like, open the refrigerator, hang it in front of the vegetable drawer, you know. I’ll move, obviously, the zucchinis and cucumbers, and put in some baby carrots!
But it’s easy to get in trouble, because the immediacy… like, you know, we’re all, you know, horny. You’re talking to somebody, there’s no pause anymore! You’re talking to a girl, you’re texting, she’s, like, “I want to see your dick!” You’re, like, “You want to see my fucking dick? There’s my fucking dick! Oh my God, I ruined my life! Oh, my God! And now, there’s pre-cum in my hair! Oh, my God!” I don’t think we’re any worse now than we used to be, we just… years ago, you couldn’t do that, because the technology didn’t exist to do it. Men were the same 30 years ago. You know, in the mid -’80s, you’d be talking to a girl, like, “You want to see my dick? I’ll show you my fucking dick! Sit tight!” You’d have to go get the Polaroid out, try to line up the shot, and your dick would never get hard for the photo. Remember the old fluff? You’d have to do the fluff, and then try to move your hand out of the way, to snap the picture on the upswing. You never got it, it was always, like, that… And then finally, you’d just kind of pinch the back of the head and hold it out. You looked like a lioness holding her cub! Oh! Then, you’d have to get in the car, drive it to her house, beep the horn, roll down the window, “Here’s my blurry, thin dick, stupid,” drive away… You couldn’t claim temporary insanity in 1984. “I didn’t know what I was doing,” you paid three tolls before you gave her your dick picture, what are you talking about? And you couldn’t ruin somebody’s life instantly. You couldn’t have one moment of vindictiveness back then, and ruin someone’s life. Now, you just push a button, and somebody’s judgment error is uploaded into the consciousness of the entire planet! Thirty years ago, you wanted to wreck a life with a dick photo? Door to door operation! [Knock] Guess who? “I don’t know, it’s kind of small, and he’s wearing a Black Sabbath shirt. It’s either Jim Norton or a five-year-old with great music taste!”
And don’t get me wrong. You know, I’m not blaming technology for what we’ve turned into. I’m just saying the immediacy makes our decision-making, you know, a little more important. And I was a pervert long before a computer… this is how long I’ve been a pervert. I used to rent pornography from Rite Aid Pharmacy! Does anybody remember 30 years ago, when Rite Aid had a video rental section, and we didn’t own a VCR. I would walk a mile to the video store. And you were allowed to rent three porno tapes, which was the maximum, which I think was my fault, because the first time I walked in pushing a hand truck! And I think they were, like, “Somebody better flag this kid, or he’s going to need Tommy John surgery before he’s 18!” And they didn’t have the pornos displayed all over the pharmacy. They had, like, regular movies. And if you wanted to see the pornos, there was a binder behind the counter that had photos of all the box covers in it. So, you’d have to wait until the counter cleared out, then you’d walk over and go, like, “Uh, can I see the binder, please?” They put on those gloves they use to train a falcon! And then you’d have to pick out three movies that you were going to watch for two days. So, your addiction couldn’t go all over the place, you had to make a decision. “All, right, maybe I’ll get, like, a little girl-girl, and maybe I’ll wind up getting a little interracial porn, is always good.” Then you get the one you pretend you don’t know is transsexuals. Just hope it’s not the same guy behind the counter when you bring it back, because then you’ve got to make up an excuse. “Hey, I thought this was chicks with detectives! That’s the third time you got me with this one!”
But now, man, you don’t have to make decisions. You can just open one of these porn megasites, and look at anything you want. And that really exacerbates your sexual addiction. I’m not saying it causes it, but it does make it a lot worse. I want to know how many things become fetishes that guys click on, just to have a laugh. Like, how many guys have clicked on a video, and, like, “This girl is going to shit in this guy’s face!” [Laughs] “Oh, for Pete’s sake!” And the whole, like, pretending you’re young thing is just bizarre. Like, I don’t mind the Catholic school girl skirt. That’s kind of sexy. But I don’t like when 30-year-old woman walks into my bedroom, “I didn’t do my homework!” “Do it, retard! What do you want me to tell you?” “Spank me! I was late for school!” Nobody gets spanked for being late for school anymore! What is this, 1953 dirty talk? “Ooh, spank me, I served a negro at the counter at Woolworth’s today!” Update your dirty talk to the new millennium! “Ooh, you brought in muffins, even though some of the kids have peanut allergies! Naughty! “You didn’t give a Valentine’s Day card to the Muslim boy, you’re not all-inclusive, young lady! Oh!
I’ve just… you know, I think part of the problem for me is I’ve been so open about how dirty I am for so long, it just makes women not want to go out with me. Like, ah, any guy ever been fucked with a strappon? Cool! No no, I’ll bite the bullet on this one, it’s fine! I’ve tried. I’ve never actually been able to go through with it. Because it’s only because physically, my body won’t take… a lot of guys are, like, “What, what, are you fucked by a guy?” No, at this point… But there’s just something perverse about a woman with a fake dick, and she’s going to wreck your asshole! There’s just something that I kind of, like, I don’t know! But I’ve never been able to go through with it, because for some reason, you know, whenever a strappon is hitting my… my asshole reacts like an eye with a finger in it, just… And I’ve tried a few times, I just… I’m finally going to have to give up on it.
The last time I tried, I was in Los Angeles with a woman, and I was laying on my back, and she’s kneeling between my legs. And my legs were draped over her thighs. And she was jabbing a sixteenth of an inch in. And that was all I needed. I was happy with that. She’s, like, “I’m going to go farther in.” I’m, like, “No! No!” Like, I’m trying not to get her to piss on the rug! “No!” Sixteenth of an inch was fine! I’m tweedling my nipples, “Oh, I’m a bitch! I’m a bitch!” My poor dick was just curled up, limp and shivering like a wet Chihuahua! “Oh, what am I doing? Who is he? I don’t know who he is anymore! What is this invader?” But then she pushes it in about a half inch, which was a bad move, because I had had vegetable juice, which tends to make me a little gassy! And I told her, like, “Do NOT push it… no! No!” Because she was going to pull it out, “NO!” I’m, like, “We have a situation, here!” I wanted her to take off that strappon, leave it in my asshole, and go home! But she thought she knew better, and she pulled back… You know what happens when the door of an airplane gets ripped off at 30,000 feet? And she couldn’t even get up, because my legs were over her thighs, so, she just kind of had to go back, like that. I have never been prouder of myself in my entire life! Because fuck her, “no” means NO!
Thank you guys very much. I love ya! I appreciate you coming! Thank you! I love you, Boston! Thank you very much, guys! I appreciate it!
