Jim Jefferies’ stand-up comedy special, “Two Limb Policy”, was released on Netflix on August 12, 2025. In it, he discusses a variety of topics, including tiny mustaches, straight-guy struggles, and his thoughts on acting as a profession.
* * *
[classic rock music playing]
[crowd cheering]
[crowd cheering and whistling]
How are you? Sit down. Thank you. All right, Chicago. Let’s do this!
[scattered squealing]
Good to be here, Chicago.
[whistle] I travel all over the country, of course, doing gigs all over the world, doing gigs. I… I was recently in Washington, DC, and one of my fans gave me a tour of the Capitol, right? I got a tour of the Capitol. Of course, I could’ve just run in there, but…
Ah!
[crowd laughing]
In the Capitol… You might not know this, but in the Capitol, there are two statues for every state in the United States of America. Every state gets two statues of what their best people are from their state, right? Mississippi are about to lose one of their statues.
[scattered laughing]
Jefferson Davis. He’s being lost for historical unpleasantness.
[crowd laughing]
And he’s being replaced now with Johnny Cash. [crowd cheering and whistling] Which is weird because Johnny Cash fucking sucks. He is the most overrated artist in American history. And if you like Johnny Cash, you’re a fucking fraud and a liar. [laughter] More of you have a T-shirt of him going like this than have bought a fucking album. None of you can name a fucking album of his! He had four fucking songs, and those songs were fucking shit. [laughter] “Ring of Fire,” “I Walk the Line,” “A Boy Called Sue,” hilarious. And that one about the prison. I’ve lived in this country for 17 years, right? I’ve never stopped at the lights and had a convertible drive up next to me… [imitates repetitive rhythm] He’s a fucking hack, Johnny Cash. You call him “the Man in Black.” He was just a fat cunt trying to look slim. [crowd laughing] We all do it. I’m 300 pounds. [crowd laughing] What was his catchphrase? [in deep voice] “Hi.” [Southern accent] “I’m Johnny Cash.” Ooh! What a wordsmith, eh?
[crowd laughing]
How did you come up with it, Johnny? [in deep voice] “Well, I went, ‘Hi,’ and then I said, ‘I’m,’ and then I said my name.” His biggest concert was in a prison, and that’s because the crowd couldn’t fucking leave. [crowd laughing] They went into the cells and went to the prisoners, “Now, you can go out and watch the Johnny Cash concert, or you can stay in your cell and get raped.” [crowd laughing] [crowd continues laughing] [scattered applause] But at least he wrote a few songs, and some people do like him. At least in the entertainment business, he’s better than a fucking actor. Actors are the lowest rung in the entertainment– They are the most useless cunts in the entertainment b– What I do is far harder than what actors do.
Jugglers are above fucking actors, right?
[crowd laughing]
When you watch a juggler, you think to yourself, “Oh, it would take a while to learn that.” [crowd laughing] Not acting. I’m in a movie that’s coming out. I haven’t had any acting lessons or nothing. They didn’t ask if I could act. They just assumed I could ’cause it’s fucking easy. [crowd laughing] Three times, a ten-year-old has won an Oscar. [laughter] Think about that. If a ten-year-old was to walk out right now and grab this microphone, how confident would you be in this evening’s performance?
[crowd laughing]
Think about your occupation. Is there a ten-year-old who’s not just as good as you but what you aspire to be? [crowd laughing] And they don’t respect comedians. They don’t respect comedy, right? To win an Oscar is… You can win Oscars for best dramatic role, best drama. There is no Oscar for comedy. There is no Oscar for best comic performance. But who has to host the Oscars? A comedian. Because they need the show to be entertaining. [laughter and whooping] Then we make a joke about one of them, and they slap us.
[crowd laughing]
[scattered applause]
Actors…
[crowd whooping]
…are fucking cunts, mate. Actors are cunts. Pretentious people. Pretentious. Austin Butler played Elvis Presley years ago now. A couple of years ago, played Elvis Presley. The cunt’s still talking like Elvis. [crowd laughing] He hasn’t stopped talking like Elvis. He was in an interview about another movie he just did a couple of months ago, and in the interview he goes… [imitating Elvis] …”I had a real good time making that movie.” “That was a real good film.” And the interviewer went, “Hey, you’re still talking like Elvis.” And he went, “Am I? Haven’t noticed. Ah… I…” “I was in character for so long, I… I’m finding Elvis hard to shake off.” [mocking] “I was in character for so long, I’m finding Elvis hard to shake off.” You pretentious pretty-boy fuck. Could it be that Elvis was the coolest guy that ever lived? I’ll tell you what actor isn’t finding it hard to shake off his character. The bloke who played Dahmer. I reckon… [crowd laughing] I reckon, the bloke who played Jeffrey Dahmer, the second he got home, he was straight back to being Tim or whoever the fuck he is.
[crowd laughing]
[scattered clapping]
It’s not like I’ll be at a party in LA, and I’ll be talking to a girl I know, and I’ll be like, “Hey, I got a friend coming.” “He’s a great guy. He’s an actor. I think you two will hit it off.” “Oh! [laughs] Here he comes right now.” [speaking gibberish in German accent] [crowd laughing] “Yeah, he played Hitler in a movie two years ago.” [crowd laughing] “He’s finding Hitler hard to shake off.”
[crowd laughing]
[man whistling]
“We took him to a bar mitzvah. He’s a fucking nightmare, to be honest.” [crowd laughing] Acting’s changed over the years. You have to play who you are in a movie now. You can’t play outside of who you are, right? So, you, like… You watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s, right? Mickey Rooney playing an Asian fella. He wasn’t Asian, right? Yeah, you can’t do different faces. Yeah? They’re saying now that only gay actors should play gay roles, right? So heterosexuals aren’t allowed to play gay, but gay people are allowed to play gay, or they’re allowed to act straight. But can they? [crowd laughing] Not all of them are pulling it off. Ah! [crowd laughing] Did you watch that Menendez brothers thing on Netflix? Nathan Lane’s character in that show is a heterosexual. [crowd giggling] He was like this, “Those boys killed that person.” [laughs] [crowd laughing] But you’re not allowed to do blackface. You don’t do blackface. I’ve never done blackface for three good reasons. It’s wrong. Would ruin a T-shirt. Et cetera. [crowd laughing] But I don’t condemn people who did blackface before, say, 9/11. That’s my cutoff for blackface. If they did blackface after 9/11, that’s wrong. Before 9/11, that’s okay. That’s how I remember 9/11. Now… [crowd laughing] The reason I say that is because in the ’90s, Ted Danson– Ted Danson, in my opinion, is the greatest sitcom star of all time.
Longest-gevity. Still in him today.
[scattered whooping]
Back to Cheers, still in him today, right? Ted Danson, in the ’90s, dated Whoopi Goldberg. That’s not the weird bit but… [crowd laughing] Ted Danson dated Whoopi Goldberg. They had a roast of Whoopi Goldberg at the Friars Club, and at Whoopi Goldberg’s request, Ted Danson did blackface. Now, when you get home, google “Ted Danson blackface” because it does not disappoint. [crowd laughing] If you’re a fan of blackface…
[blows a kiss]
[crowd laughing]
…this is Michelin Star blackface. But if you like to get on the Internet and get really angry… [laughs] …it’ll scratch that itch as well. [crowd laughing] No one loses when they google “Ted Danson blackface.” Now, a friend of mine… a friend of mine had never seen Ted Danson blackface, so I show him Ted Danson blackface, we make our comments, and we move on with our day. Cut to two, three days later. I’m at home, and I’m lying on the sofa. I’m watching TV. It’s the middle of the day, right? My three-year-old is off at another three-year-old’s birthday with the nanny. My 12-year-old is at school. My wife walks in the room and says she’s going to Whole Foods. My wife fucking loves Whole Foods. She’ll be gone for at least an hour, right? Now, if you’re a father like me with a young family, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Very rare you get the house to yourself, right? I wait till she leaves and wait a little bit longer, and then I hitch me pants down. [crowd laughing] I’m gonna have myself a carefree wank, right? It’s very rare, the carefree wank. You know the one. You’re like this. “I’m gonna leave the volume on.”
[crowd laughing]
I’m not gonna scurry away to the toilet like a fucking animal. I bought this cunting house, and I’ll ejaculate wherever the fuck I want. I’m gonna come here in the living room! Next to the kitchen. I don’t give a fuck, right? So I’ve selected me porn. I’m starting to get some meat in me cock. I’m going good. I’m a few minutes in. My wife comes back. She’s forgotten somethin’, right? The fucking Tesla fucked me over, didn’t it? [crowd laughing] Back in the day, you used to get a bit of warning. Do you know how many loud engines have saved marriages? So… [crowd laughing] My wife walks in, and we just fucking lock eyes. Just…
[crowd laughing]
And I panic, and I quickly delete the porn. My wife thinks I’m up to no good. She runs over. She grabs my phone. And all she sees is Ted Danson in blackface. [crowd continues cheering and applauding] And she looks at the picture.
And she looks at my cock…
[laughter] And then she looks me dead in the eye, and she goes, “I’m in.” [crowd laughing frantically] ‘Cause my wife’s a… a fucking racist.
[chuckles]
[crowd laughing]
[laughs] My wife– I mentioned this in my last bit. My wife’s… Um, my wife’s a, um… visually, an Indian person. And, um… But she has a British accent. Which is weird because it never goes the other way, does it? You never…
[crowd laughing]
I know it sounds racist, but… I… I’ve searched the Internet. Until you find me some white chick who went to India for six months and came back, and… I won’t do the voice, but…
[crowd laughing]
It is true. It’s never… never gone the other way.
[crowd laughing]
[woman giggling]
So, I’ve never done the blackface, but there is a face that I do do and I have done. There are many photos of me doing this face. And this is a very cancelable face, so I can be in a lot of trouble for this, but I’ve sent so many photographs of me doing this face to others that… [inhaling] …I just have to fess up to it, right? So… In my home, in my private life, I enjoy doing Hitler face. [crowd laughing] [woman giggling] Fuck you, Chicago. Fuck you. [crowd laughing loudly] That tepid fucking laugh. Go fuck yourselves. Your… your silence was fucking deafening. How dare you, you bunch of fucking frauds? I said “Hitler face,” and you all sat there like this. [mocking] “What is this Hitler face?” “I don’t know what he speaks of.” Fuck you. Every single man and/or hairy woman in this room has done Hitler face, and you fucking know it. You might not leave the house with it, but when it’s just you in the bathroom mirror, you’ve fucking done it. When you’re shaving off a beard, you don’t shave this bit first, do you?
[crowd laughing]
You always leave it till the end. You get down to a full Tom Selleck, and then you look around… [crowd laughing] …and you go swipe, swipe, and you push a bit of hair down. [crowd laughing]
[mocks Hitler speaking, not audible]
[crowd cheering and whistling]
It’s a lot of fun that doesn’t fucking hurt anyone! [crowd laughing] My wife never knows when it’s coming. [crowd laughing] I’ll just come down the stairs, and she’ll look up, and she’ll go, “Oh fuck.” [crowd laughing] “Hitler’s here.” [crowd laughing] I always do it at the end of a tour. I grow a beard out over the tour. At the end of the tour, I come home, and I Hitler up for about three days. And my wife thinks that I do Hitler face because I find it funny and because it upsets her, and although these things are true…
Uh…
[laughing] …the real reason I do Hitler face is so that I won’t have to do the school run.
[crowd laughing loudly]
All right. She can’t send me on errands, man. We live in Hollywood, and I’m fucking Hitler! [crowd laughing] Now, I’ve been told… Like… We know why blackface is racist and what’s wrong with blackface, and I’ve been told that doing Hitler face is antisemitic. If there are Jewish people watching at home and in the room, please, I have no issue with Jewish people. I am not making fun of Jewish people. I am making fun of Hitler. [laughing] I don’t take it seriously. I haven’t bought an outfit. [crowd laughing] I don’t stand in the corner and give rousing speeches.
[crowd laughing]
I don’t do the salute.
[crowd laughing]
My wife does the salute. I’m Hitler.
[crowd laughing]
[man] Whoo!
And why can’t… Please tell me why. Why can’t I have a little fucking mustache? I’m not allowed a little square mustache because one cunt, 80 years ago, had a little fucking mustache. Now none of us are ever allowed a little fucking mustache again? That’s very Nazi of ya. What if it would suit me? What if that’s the missing puzzle piece of my awkward fucking face? [crowd laughing] What if I get a little mustache, and boom, three to a seven just like that?
[crowd laughing]
But I can’t ’cause fucking Hitler had one. You women better hope the next genocide doesn’t happen from a woman with bangs. [crowd laughing loudly] Then none of you would be allowed fucking bangs. You’d be done, you fucking Nazi.
[crowd laughing and whooping]
You’d show up at a party with a fringe, and everyone would be like, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Jenny?” “Why? Huh!” “Everyone!” “Jenny wants to know why she can’t have bangs, everyone. Oh!” “I don’t know.” “Could it be because Tiffany killed eight million Romanians?” [crowd laughing] “They had to change the name of the jewelry store, you bitch.”
[crowd laughing]
[scattered applause]
But I’m not a Nazi. I’m a nice fella. I’m supportive to all. I’m a big fan of the LGBTQA community. If you’re in this room and a member of the LGBTQA community, you’re welcome here. Big fan of the LGBTQA community. But I have decided that the plus can go fuck themselves. [crowd laughing loudly] If whatever you are didn’t make it into that initial grouping of letters… [crowd laughing] …time’s up, plus. [crowd laughing] Hey, plus, you’re fucking weird. Stay away from my kids.
[crowd laughing and giggling]
Like, you can’t just slap a plus on the end and expect my support. I need more information. [crowd laughing] Like, if I was doing a job interview, and I’d be like, “It says here on your application that you were incarcerated for a while.” “What was all that about?” “Ah…” “Tax evasion plus.” [crowd laughing] “But you were in prison for 15 years!” “I did a lot of plus.” [crowd laughing] Like, plus is an umbrella you can have to get away with shit. By these standards, now Disney can start showing pornography. Because of Disney+. [crowd laughing] And when I say I support everyone in the LGBTQA community… Ah… [crowd laughing] Not all of them. [crowd laughing] The vast majority, I’m a big fan of. The vast majority, but some of ’em… Uh… Okay. The “A” has just been added. The “A” stands for…
Does anyone know what the “A” stands for?
[man] A… Asexuals. It’s just been brought in. Asexuals. These are people who have no interest in fucking. [crowd laughing] They haven’t fucked in the past, and they don’t plan on fucking in the future. And they need our support. [crowd laughing] Does everyone need to be special? I… Well, I’m… I’m an Australian who grew up near the beach. I’ve never surfed. I haven’t surfed in the past. I won’t be surfing in the future. Can I have your support? [crowd laughing] Like, fuck me. Like, if you’re asexual, right, there is no struggle. There’s no struggle. You… you haven’t been persecuted against. Not even in a fucking movie have I seen someone go, “I hear there’s a guy in the park who doesn’t wanna fuck anything.” [crowd laughing loudly] [crowd cheering] “Let’s get him!” Like, fuck me! You don’t wanna fuck anything. Congratulations! What a wonderful position to be in. And maybe you should be in a group, but… You don’t wanna be in a group with the gays.
You have nothing in common with the gays.
[crowd laughing]
You are the opposite of the gays. [crowd laughing] The gays love to fuck.
[crowd laughing]
It’s their whole thing. They fucking love fucking. Now, obviously, I’m talking about gay men. I don’t know how lesbians fuck. I assume they punch each other till one of them comes. But gay men… [laughing continues] No one throughout history has put more time and effort into fucking than homosexual men. Throughout hi– Still illegal in many countries. Still illegal. Right up until the 1960s, in most countries, you could be imprisoned for being a homosexual. And guess what they did. [crowd laughing loudly]
They kept fucking!
[crowd laughing]
A disproportionate amount of homeless people are homosexual because they get disowned by family members and pushed out of home at a young age, and they have to live on the streets. All for their right to keep fucking.
[crowd laughing]
In the 1980s… [scattered laughing] …a lot of them were getting real thin. [crowd laughing and murmuring] [scattered applause] AIDS. The original Ozempic. [crowd laughing loudly] They were getting thin. No one knew why. They thought it might’ve been the fucking… [chuckles] …but they weren’t sure. So what did they do? They kept fucking. And the asexuals have the audacity… the audacity to think that they can be in a group with the homosexuals. The asexuals have more in common with married heterosexuals. [crowd laughing] They can come and join the H+ community. [crowd laughing] Look. People at home, people in the room… [sighs] If you are asexual, I truly mean this, congratulations. What a fucking privilege that must be. Do you know… Do you know how much trouble… [scattered laughing] …this fucking thing has gotten me into?
[crowd laughing]
Do you know how many friendships I’ve ruined… [crowd laughing] …how many job opportunities I haven’t gotten… [crowd continues laughing] …how much child support I pay… [crowd laughing loudly] …how many houses I’ve given away because of this fucking thing? And you’re at work, all focused, and enjoying your hobbies on the weekend. [crowd laughing] Go fuck yourself, A! But they won’t. [crowd laughing] [crowd cheering and applauding] [crowd whistling] Next letter I’m not happy with. [crowd laughing] The Bs. I have a friend, uh… I had a female friend who was bis– She still is a bisexual woman, I assume. Uh… She started a web page up for bisexual women. Just for bisexual women to raise awareness and to give support to bisexual women. And she asked if I would donate some money. And I said I wouldn’t. [crowd laughing] Because we’re all very aware. [crowd laughing] They’re the most watched thing on the Internet.
[crowd laughing]
[scattered clapping] And as for support… No one has put more time and effort… [crowd laughing] …into supporting that community than this guy here.
[crowd laughing]
[scattered clapping] If there was ever a bisexual woman in need, I always put out a helping hand. [crowd laughing] Like, fuck me, has there ever been a group in our society who is more revered and less condemned than bisexual women? If you’re a bisexual woman in this room and you’re finding life hard… [scattered giggling] …that’s on you. [crowd laughing loudly] We have done everything, everything to lift you people up. [crowd laughing] I’ve never heard a conversation even close to this between two heterosexual men. I’ll do a bit of acting for you. [scattered laughing] “So, how’s things going with the, uh, new girlfriend?” “It’s been about eight months, right?” “Ah!” [sighs] “It was going good until the other day when she, uh, asked to bring another girl into the bedroom.”
[crowd laughing]
[crowd laughing loudly]
[crowd continues laughing]
“I just vomited in my mouth and swallowed it again.” “But you’re my best friend, so no matter how hard it is for me to hear, tell me every single detail.” [crowd laughing] “Well, it started out pretty good.” “One of them was sucking me cock, and the other one was licking me balls, and it… and it was a different feeling, but one that I enjoyed.” [crowd laughing] “And then I ejaculated into the girl’s mouth, and, uh, that’s when sex is over.” “Man comes. Sex is over.”
[woman giggles]
[crowd laughing]
“But it wasn’t over.” [crowd laughing] “The girls started kissing each other, swapping the cum from mouth to mouth to mouth to mouth.” [crowd laughing] “And it was so confusing… [crowd continues laughing] …because they were both girls.” [crowd laughing] [crowd laughing] “Yuck!” [crowd laughing hysterically] End scene. I… [laughs] [crowd cheering and applauding] [grunts] Like, obviously, that’s a ridiculous situation. That conversation’s never gonna happen anywhere in the world, but it still was relatable in some way, right? You still got the i… the premise of the whole thing because, you kn… Look. Men are good people.
[scattered laughing]
[man] Whoo!
We have good hearts. Men are good people. And women are not.
[crowd laughing]
[man whooping]
Like, if you’re a homosexual man in this room, and you’re here with one of your female friends… [scoffs] …they’re not your friend. [crowd laughing] They may gossip with you. They may even let you cut their hair, but… [crowd continues laughing] …at the end of the day, when it comes down to it, they’re not your friend. See, if I was to come home, walk into my house, come upstairs, and walk into my bedroom to find my wife licking out another woman on our marital bed, I would lead with love. [crowd laughing] Sure, there’d be the initial confusion, but that would be quickly replaced with acceptance. [crowd laughing] And then, dare I say it, pride. [crowd laughing] Because I’m a good person with a… a good heart. [crowd continues laughing] You can try and change me. People have tried to do it in the past, and they’ve always failed. I’m just good. [crowd laughing] [scattered laughing] But I sucked one cock in front of my wife! [crowd laughing and applauding] I did it as a surprise for her! [crowd continues laughing] I live in Los Angeles. I paid a homeless bloke 60 bucks.
[crowd laughing]
I know I overpaid. I know! We were upstairs in the room, waiting for her to come home. We heard her come in, and then we’re like, “She’s here! Shush! Shut up!” [scattered laughing] “Come upstairs!” [crowd laughing] “Come upstairs! I have a surprise for ya!” And she was coming up, and then I was like this, “One, two, three,” and I went down. Then he starts fucking my mouth, right? He’s… he’s banging my throat, right? My head’s against the wall. I couldn’t have stopped him if I tried. [crowd laughing] He’s throat-fucking me. She walks in. I keep eye contact with her ’cause this is all for her.
[crowd laughing]
So I’m just like this.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah… [laughing]
[crowd laughing]
Then he pulled out, and he came all over me face. And I turned to her, and I went, “Happy anniversary!” [crowd laughing] And I stood up, and I went to kiss her. [crowd laughing] I know. I know. She fucking backed away. She fucking… She went like this… [gasping] And that’s when I realized. I was like, “Huh!” [crowd laughing] “You’re a homophobe.” [crowd laughing loudly] That’s my wife. She’s a fucking racist homophobe. [crowd laughing] If you ever see me and my wife walking down the street, yell out, “Racist homophobe.” [scattered giggling] Not like me. I’m a fucking… I’m a good person, me. [crowd laughing] I’ll tell you what. I did a sitcom 12 years ago called Legit.
And Legit had like loads– That’s– Fine.
[crowd whooping and cheering]
Yeah. Legit had loads of disabled actors. And I don’t think they were treated in a way that was demeaning or anything. They were always in on the joke. They had real lines where they were being funny, not tragic figures in any way. And over the years, I’ve tried to stay in contact with many of those actors, right? And if I do a charity gig… I do charity gigs for disabled charities and stuff like that. Right? Big fan of the disabled community, right? A guy wrote to me a while back, and he wrote, “Hey, I’m coming to your show.” Uh, “I’m with my uncle. He’s disabled.” “Can we come backstage and meet you?” Now, you can’t write back, “How disabled?” [crowd laughing] And… and it’s… and it’s rude to ask for a photo, right? So… So… Look, anyway, I truly mean this. I truly mean this. If you are in this room and you are disabled, at the end of this show, speak to the security. I will come out and meet you, or you can come down to the dressing room. And I’ll give you a drink and a photo, and we’ll hang out. Okay?
[man] Whoo!
Hey, whoa.
Whoa, whoa. Whoa.
[crowd applauding]
If you’re clapping, you’re not disabled enough! [crowd laughing] I can’t be having fuckers come down with dyslexia.
Or I’ll be there all fucking day.
[crowd laughing]
There has to be a limit to my generosity, you fucking cunts, so… This is how disabled you have to be to get a photo with me. [crowd laughing] Of course, we have the hits. If you are blind, you must have a dog or a stick.
Then I’ll take a photo with you.
[crowd laughing]
Of course, if you are deaf, I will take a photo with you. I don’t know why the fuck you’re here… [crowd laughing] …but I’ll do it. If you’re confined to a wheelchair, of course I’m gonna have a photo with you. Now, they’re the classics, right? Otherwise, if you’re not any of those, I have a two limb policy. [crowd laughing] It can’t be one limb. You can’t be just shit on a motorbike. I need two fucking limbs. Two limb policy. Those limbs have to either be missing, doing nothing… [crowd laughing] …or doing everything. Missing, nothing, everything. Now… They don’t need to be the same limbs. We can mix and match. [scattered laughing] If you’re paralyzed from the waist down, of course I will see you. Maybe you’re paralyzed from the waist up? Then you can riverdance your way fucking up to me.
[crowd laughing]
Maybe you’ve had a stroke. And your left-hand side’s all fucked up. Well, if so, lucky you! You get to meet me. [crowd laughing] Now, not all disabilities are physical. Of course not all disabilities are physical. So, if you are severely autistic, not enough. [crowd laughing] I was taking, uh, photos with the “severely autistic,” and half of them were just a little bit fucking autistic. They were autisticing up for the security, and then I met them, and they were just fucking Star Trek fans.
They were nothing, right?
[crowd laughing]
But I will count autism as one limb. [crowd laughing] So, if you have autism, with, like, a thalidomide arm, I can work with that. [crowd continues laughing] Now, I’ll stop talking about it now, but here’s the minimum… here’s the minimum level of disability you can be to meet me. You’ll know if you’re higher or lower than this. Lobster hand. [crowd laughing] [scattered clapping] And I’m a sucker for a lazy eye.
So…
[crowd laughing]
If you have a real good lazy eye, if you have one that really darts off to the side, like, if when people talk to you, they do this… [crowd laughing] [scattered clapping] …then I’d like to meet you. [crowd continues laughing] I’ll see you after the show. I, um… I’ve been living in America for a long time. I still… I still consider myself to be Australian, but I also do consider myself to be American. America’s a wonderful place. You get a hard time sometimes, but you’re a wonderful place. Think of all the amazing inventions that come out of the USA. You invented the airplane. Et cetera, right? All these… [crowd laughing] I think your greatest invention… I think your greatest invention is gay conversion therapy.
[crowd laughing]
Wonderful! You don’t like something about yourself, you go off to the church, and you pray, pray, pray until eventually, it goes away. I’m a big fan of gay conversion therapy. I love me some gay con– I’m a big fan of gay conversion therapy but only from heterosexual to gay.
[crowd laughing]
Because I’ve been heterosexual for 48 years, and let me tell you something. It can’t be natural. Men and women shouldn’t be together. We have absolutely nothing in common. We don’t enjoy each other’s company, and every fuckin’ day is a struggle. Every fuckin’ day is a fucking compromise. Compromise. Compromise. Compromise. Compromise. Compromise. Compromise. It fucking sucks… [crowd laughing] …to be heterosexual. I can see you all in your heterosexual couples, right? One of you is having a good time, the other one not so much, right? [crowd laughing] So, eventually, you have to turn to that person and go… [mocking] …”We’ll do one of your things next time.” “Okay.” “We’ll do one of my things next time.” “So we’ll do a good thing, a shit thing, a good thing, a shit thing, till we fucking die!” “Because we’re heterosexuals.” It fucking sucks to be heterosexual. I fight against it every fuckin’ day! Do you think I would choose this lifestyle? [crowd laughing] Do you… do you think this is what I want for my sons?
[crowd laughing]
I try to bury it down in me! I’m like, “No, no, not today!” “Not today, Jim. Not today!” And then a girl walks by in boots, and I go… [yelping] [crowd laughing] And I fucking hate meself! [man] Whoo! Have you seen a gay pride parade? Have you seen a guy in his underwear with a flag just walking down the street like this? [crowd laughing] I’ve never seen a heterosexual that happy in my fucking life. [crowd laughing and applauding] [cheering] That’s why there… That’s why there’s no heterosexual pride parades. ‘Cause there’s fucking nothing to be proud of. [crowd laughing] Like, I truly mean this, like… Okay, if you’re a homosexual in this room and you have heterosexual friends, reach out. [crowd laughing] We need allies now more than ever.
[crowd laughing]
Like, I’ll tell you the worst bit about being heterosexual. We have children. [crowd laughing] We have babies. Now, that response, I can tell you all, “Jim, I think you’ll find that gay people can have children as well.” Not by accident!
[crowd laughing]
[scattered clapping]
I don’t wanna hear the plight of another homosexual until they have an accidental child. You think it’s stressful leaving your cock in someone’s asshole and ejaculating? Try coming in a cunt… [crowd laughing] …and see how calm you are for the next month. [scattered clapping] I’d fucking love to be gay. I would fucking love to be gay. I don’t– Look. I don’t really wanna be gay. I just really want a husband. [crowd laughing] Husbands are so good, aren’t they? They’re the fucking best, husbands. They’re the best. They do shit for you and stuff. They’re fucking good. Look at all you women with your husbands. Look at you, hey? You lucky ducks. Hey, hey, you! You must wake up in the morning and fucking skip to work. [crowd laughing] If you work. Right?
[crowd laughing]
[scattered booing]
Hey. Little… Little boos there. Ah! Hey, look. You’ve come here, look. You can boo whatever joke you want. If you paid for your ticket. [crowd laughing and cheering] If… [laughing] If you haven’t, sit there and shut the fuck up. [crowd laughing] We’ll do one of your things next time. [crowd applauding and cheering] Husbands are the best. Guys, imagine you have a husband. How fuckin’ good would it be? You’re lying in bed. It’s one in the morning. Where’s your husband? Who gives a fuck? [crowd laughing] Then you get a phone call. “Hello, mate.” “How are you?” “Ah, not good.” “I just got a flat tire on the way home.” “Ah, that’s terrible.” “I’ll see you in the morning.”
[crowd laughing]
That there… That there is worth all the ass-fucking in the world.
[crowd laughing]
[scattered clapping]
Ah, husbands! [in a soft voice] Husbands are the fucking best. The best. I’ll prove it to you. I’ll prove it to you. See, everyone… everyone, okay… Everyone, uh, clear your head. Clear your head, clear your head. I’m gonna say two sentences. I’m not gonna direct you in either way. Just feel what you feel and be honest with yourself. Here’s the first sentence. My husband’s coming. Now, most of you felt a little sense of relief, like, “Oh, good. We’ll get home okay.” Or, “We’ll pay the appropriate price for that car.” [crowd laughing] Now, here’s your next sentence. Clear your heads. My wife’s coming. [crowd laughing] Did all of your bodies fill with fear? [crowd laughing loudly] If you’re honest with yourself, every single one of you went, “Oh no!” [crowd laughing] “But we were having a good time.” [crowd laughing] Like, “I know he’s in trouble, but are we all in trouble?” [crowd continues laughing] This… this isn’t just me saying this. This is a statistical thing, right? The highest rate of divorce are lesbians. By a mile. Lesbian marriages have the high– Check it! The highest rate of divorce in the world. The second level of divorce is heterosexuals. The lowest level of divorce is gay married men. Now, let me mansplain to you what’s just happened. [crowd laughing] The lesbians find it very hard to stay married because there are two women involved.
[crowd laughing]
[woman cackling]
Heterosexual marriages aren’t without their complications because there is still one woman involved. [crowd laughing] [scattered clapping] Did you know the word “gay” means happy? [crowd laughing] With good reason. Because there are no women involved. [scattered clapping]
[man] Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
[whistle] Now, my parents… Right, my parents were married for almost, uh, 50 years. They were one week away from their 50th wedding anniversary when my mother passed away. My mother died a couple of months before we went into quarantine for COVID. A couple of months before COVID, me mother died. It was, uh… it was very sad because, um, she would’ve loved COVID. [crowd laughing] My… My mother loved medical equipment, panic, and rules. [crowd laughing] COVID would’ve been her Coachella. [crowd laughing] But she never got to see it because when you’re dead, you’re dead, and you don’t see anything ever again, right? My… my mother’s missed out on a lot over the last five years. She’s missed out on a lot of things, you know? A lot of things, lot of things. She… she’s missed out on the birth of two of her grandchildren that she’ll never get to meet. My mother never lived long enough to see my father happy. [crowd laughing] [scattered clapping] She… she… she missed out on it by a couple of days. If… [crowd laughing] If she just held on, she could’ve seen it. I… [laughing continues] Right. You can live with regrets. You can live with regrets. My father is an 83-year-old man who lives in Sydney, Australia. His name’s Gary, and I… I love him to bits. I… Every… every time I tell a joke, I can hear his timing in my voice. My whole life I’ve just really been impersonating this man. He’s a good bloke. He’s a carpenter. I’m the son of a carpenter. [scattered laughter] You know, like the other one. [crowd laughing] Except I’m real. [crowd laughing]
[man] Whoo!
[scattered clapping]
I… Son of a carpenter. My father’s an interesting fella. Eighty-three years old. Still gets erections. [crowd laughing] I know this because he tells me. [crowd continues laughing] [chuckles] He had a cold about six months ago. He had a cold that lasted like a month ’cause when you’re old, it takes a while to get over the flu or whatever. I kept on checking in. I was ringing him all the time, and I said, “Dad, how are you doing?” And he goes, “I think I’m on the mend.” “I woke up with a horn.” [crowd laughing] And I was like, “Ooh, someone is feeling better, aren’t they?” Now, I think at 83, bragging about erections, I think that’s a good brag. It’s a good brag. Do you know that statistically, 50% of all men over 40, at one stage or another, has suffered from erectile dysfunction? And 80% of men over 80 can’t get erections at all. And they call this a medical condition. [scattered laughing] Is it? [laughing continues] Or are they just trying to fuck 80-year-old women?
[crowd laughing]
Like, I’m 48 years old, I’ve never missed an erection, but if I was in the room with a naked 80-year-old woman, I… [laughs] …I wouldn’t be surprised. [crowd laughing] And look, if there are older women here, please don’t think I’m making fun of you. I’m not trying to make fun of you. I am making fun of old people. [crowd laughing] Not old women. I’m making fun of old people. Old people are gross, unfuckable creatures. [laughing continues] They’re well aware of this. You women are exactly the same. You don’t get excited by a naked 80-year-old man, now, do you? You don’t see a naked 80-year-old man, all hunched over, with liver spots all over him, has long bloody chest hairs, fucking saggy-ass balls, and that mudslide of an ass that’s just dripping off the bone. You don’t look at that and go, “Yum, yum, give me some,” now, do you? [crowd laughing] Bet you’d just slap some lube on, and move on with your day! It goes both ways. When I was in my early twenties, I was a premature ejaculator. I was. I’d put me cock in. I’d try to think of everything but fucking, right? And I’d come after 40 seconds. I just would. I was a premature ejaculator. Now, at 48, I might come. I might not. Who knows? [crowd laughing] You’re watching a man of mystery. [crowd continues laughing] But in my early twenties, I was a premature ejaculator. Or was I just fucking women in their twenties?
[crowd laughing]
[scattered clapping]
Like, if I was to fuck another woman in their twenties, would I find my condition has come back? [crowd laughing] Like, not everything is a medical condition. Some things are just things, right? Maybe men shouldn’t get erections in their eighties ’cause they shouldn’t be fathering children like women go through menopause ’cause they’re gonna be too old. We’ll have orphans fucking everywhere. Maybe it’s an evolutionary thing. But if you’re a young person, a lot of young people, uh, men especially, are taking these pills now because porn’s fucked with their fucking heads. You’re meant to get an erection when you look at a naked woman, but you’ve watched too much fuckin’ porn, haven’t you? Right? And it fucks with your fucking head. I’m the same. Often, I go to fuck my wife, and I think to myself, “Where are the 12 other people?” Right?
[crowd laughing]
And they’re not there every day. They do Mondays and Wednesdays. You know, so I… [scattered laughing] But if you’re a young person, you don’t get erections, what do you do? You go online, you speak to a doctor through, like, the Zoom type of thing, and they say, “Oh, you can have the pills,” and they discreetly send the pills to your house. But if you’re in your eighties, and you’re in a couple, they don’t use the Internet like that. They couldn’t fucking do that. Plus, they like going to the doctor ’cause it’s a day out. [crowd laughing] That means that at erectile dysfunction clinics all over the world, there are couples in their eighties that go get a prescription for some blue tablets. Right? That means that– Okay. So in… in an erectile dysfunction clinic, she’s sitting here. He’s sitting here. The doctor’s here, and she’s just… [crowd laughing] “He can’t get an erection.” [laughing continues] “We’ve tried everything.” “Something’s wrong with him.” [laughing continues] “He can’t get one.” And then he’s like this. [groaning] [crowd laughing] [groaning] [continues groaning] “I… I don’t know what it could be.” [crowd laughing]
[man laughing loudly]
[woman cackling] And the doctor’s like, “We’ve seen this before.”
[crowd laughing]
[imitates speaker crackle] “Can you please bring Cindy into the office? Please, Cindy.” Cindy’s a 25-year-old nurse. She comes in in a Halloween nurse outfit. [crowd laughing] “Now, Joe, we’re gonna try something different here, mate.” “If you could just caress Cindy’s breasts there.” “We just wanna see what happens.” [groaning] [whimpering] [crowd laughing loudly] [groaning, gasping] [sighs in relief, snoring] “There you go.” [crowd laughing] “That’s a perfectly good dick you’ve got there.” “Is there anything else we can do you for, President Biden?”
[laughs]
[crowd laughing]
[man] Whoo!
[Jim] I, um… Well, okay. So, I… I… I’m gigging in South Africa soon. I’m gigging in a town called Pretoria. Now, um, most people, if you follow my career, know the… you know, the “gun control” routine is probably my most popular one. But that’s on…
That’s on my first Netflix special.
[scattered whooping]
There was a joke on the Netflix special that was better than that one that never gets much airplay, right? And it was the Oscar Pistorius callback.
[crowd laughing]
If you get a chance… I did a scene where I… where I acted like I had no legs, and I dragged myself along the stage, and then I shot Reeva Steenkamp dead. It was good stuff. [crowd laughing] Now, I’m about to play Pretoria. Pretoria is a town outside of Johannesburg. Pretoria is where Oscar Pistorius is from. He has now been let out of prison. There is zero chance he hasn’t seen the routine. [crowd laughing] And I’m really scared because he’s definitely allowed backstage.
[crowd laughing]
[crowd laughing and cheering]
[crowd whistling]
A deal’s a deal, man. I’m a… I’m a man of my word. I’ve got to let him back. I was talking to the promoter, and, uh, I said, “I’m worried about coming out there. Oscar Pistorius is out of prison.” “I’m worried he’s gonna come to the show.” And the promoter went… [South African accent] …”Don’t you worry about it, Jim. That is not a problem.” “You will not have any issues with that, because although Oscar is out of prison, he’s still under house arrest.” Yeah, but where do they keep the fucking ankle bracelet on the cunt? [crowd laughing] You can’t keep it on the stump. The stump’s tapered. It will fall off. It’s not the ankle that keeps it on. It’s the foot. [crowd laughing and whooping]
[man laughing loudly]
[woman cackling] Guys, I’m going to tell you a story. I, uh… I used to date a French girl. Uh, a couple years– Long time, like 20 years ago. I used to… Might be 15 years ago. I used to date this, uh, French girl. It’s weird. She didn’t speak English. And, like, me talking is, like, my whole fucking thing, right? It’s weird when you meet people who don’t speak English.
Like, what are they trying to prove?
[crowd laughing]
Like, fucking just speak English, you dumb fuck. Like, it… It’s the easiest language. It’s like they’re trying to be difficult, innit? Like… like, have you ever seen people not speaking English? You can’t understand them. I don’t– Like… English is the be– It’s the easiest language! I learned English at two! [crowd laughing] I tried learning German in my twenties. Fucking couldn’t do it! [laughing continues] English, number one. Anyway, she couldn’t speak English. This is the story of the most I’ve ever made anyone laugh in my entire life, right? I had this girl laugh. She was in a ball, laughing, right? Now, I… That’s why I know I’m funny. Because I did it without me words, right? And okay, so we’re in this big garden at a comedy festival. This comedy festival had promotional material of different comedians’ faces on masks. These cardboard cut-out photo masks. You’ve seen them before. A bit of elastic, you can see through the dots in the eyes. Right? I was one of the masks. How exciting, right? So I collected up my own face, put ’em in the back of me pants. We went back to the hotel. We’re gonna have sex. She’s in bed. She’s good to go. I come out. I’m naked, but I’m just wearing a mask of me own face. [crowd laughing] This was the face.
[crowd laughing]
Now, that’s already hilarious, right? Because it’s all about portions, right? So it’s the same face. The right face for the right body, but it’s a bigger face than it should be, and it’s not moving. The body’s moving, but the head’s not moving. It’s already got all the elements of fun, right? Now, I come out. Of course, this is what men with my body do. When we have sex, we don’t try to… [scattered laughing] We… we try to be funny, right? So… [crowd laughing] So I’m dancing around. Naked. Mask of me own face.
[crowd continues laughing]
[woman giggling loudly]
She’s dying laughing. Then you start doing all the dick tricks, of course.
[crowd laughing]
Start swinging side to side. [imitates drum beating rhythmically] Like the drum out of Karate Kid II.
[crowd laughing]
[scattered clapping]
Then I used to do… Everyone does this one. You stand in a gaited position and go, “Wabang, wabang.” Like that. And so I’m doing this, right? I had a party trick back in the day. Back in the day, I used to– I can’t do it anymore. It’s a young man’s game, right? But back in the day, I used to be able to go… “Wabang, wabang.” And then hands-free… Hands-free, I’d catch it into “I’m a lady.”
[crowd laughing]
[women giggling]
Hey, everyone at home! You’re gonna try that tonight, aren’t you?
[crowd laughing]
I caught it– It’s hard. I can’t do it anymore. My wife doesn’t think I could ever do it. I swear, I can do it. So I’m standing in front of her, like, fucking… Fucking… But back in the day, I used to be able to, hands-free, scoop it into “I’m a lady.” Uh. So I’ve scooped it into “I’m a lady,” naked, wearing a mask of me own face. I’m a comedy fucking god.
[crowd laughing]
Right? Of course, then you have to do the voice. I always choose the queen.
[crowd laughing]
When I do the mangina, I always do the wave and go…
[in high-pitched voice] …”Hello!”
[crowd laughing]
And then… and then I rub my imaginary bean like a hand wave, just…
[crowd laughing]
[women giggling]
I’m killing it. I’m killing it. She can’t laugh any more. I’ve never seen anyone laugh this much. And then, to prove it wasn’t a fluke, I go like this…
[crowd continues laughing]
“Wabang, wabang.” Straight back into “I’m a lady.”
[crowd laughing and applauding]
[crowd cheering and whooping]
Now I have her laughter and her respect.
[crowd laughing loudly]
I get on the edge of the bed. I get between her legs. I go towards her. I go to kiss her. She whips off the mask, and underneath, Hitler face.
[crowd laughing]
[crowd applauding, cheering and whistling]
Good night, everyone. Thank you.
[crowd cheering]
[classic rock music playing]
[crowd whistling, cheering loudly]
[whistling and cheering continues]
[rock music continues]
[music fades]
