Jeff Arcuri: Nice to Meet You (2026) – Transcript

Jeff Arcuri: Nice to Meet You is the debut full-length stand-up comedy special from comedian Jeff Arcuri, which premiered globally on Netflix on July 7, 2026.

Filmed “in the round” across five sold-out shows at the Celebrity Theatre in Phoenix, Arizona. It highlights Arcuri’s famous rapid-fire crowd work and improvisational wit. The routine features his prepared material regarding marital pranks and urinal mind games. He balances outrageous jokes with heartfelt reflections on making his wife, former Bachelorette star Katie Thurston, laugh during her Stage 4 breast cancer journey.

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Transcript

Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.

[man 1] He’s messing with me. What?

[man 2] Showing you the goods.

[audience chuckles]

All right. [man] Showing you the goods.

I understand, but did you…

I’m gonna stop the show just for a second.

Did you hear what he said about yelling out during the show and shit?

[man] Yeah, I did. Okay, and then…

Okay. Okay. I was giving you the benefit of the doubt.

He’s like, “No, I heard the rules, and fuck them.”

[audience laughs]

I don’t want you yelling out. That made the show worse just now.

You feel it. I know. And you apologize? Nothing’s gonna happen to you now.

At least when I’m not looking. They might kill you.

[audience laughs] [laughs]

I want you to know, I have jokes to get through. I’m gonna get to know you.

Never you ever again, but, like, for the rest of you guys.

[laughs] You could die tomorrow. I wouldn’t care.

[audience cheers] But the rest of you guys, I’m so happy you’re here.

[quirky music plays]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage, Jeff Arcuri!

[audience cheering and screaming]

[inaudible]

What’s up, Phoenix?

[audience cheering]

Oh, hell yeah, dude.

This is so sick. Dude, I love this so much.

I love this… this vibe. I get to… You’re so close, all of you.

Hi. Hi.

Oh my God. [chuckles]

Hey, what’s up? No, just him.

This is so…

[audience laughs]

This is so cool, dude. I love looking around.

My favorite thing in the world is… I noticed you right away

’cause your energy is immaculate, brother. I love that so much.

My second favorite thing is I love coming out and noticing somebody excited, and then I see the person they brought.

[audience laughs]

That’s… my favorite thing in the world.

You, specifically. I… Dude. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

Every time I come out, no offense, brother, I see a woman that’s like, “Yeah!”, and then I see a husband that’s like, “This is the fucking guy? This?”

This is the reason you giggle in bed at 2 a.m.? This little bitch.

[chuckles] Yeah, I make her laugh.

[audience laughs]

[laughs] I’m joking.

I’m not a threat to you at all. I’m very effeminate.

I’m not a threat, okay?

I’ll make her laugh, and then you finish the job.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

Nice to meet you, man. What’s your name?

[man] Dave. Dave? Nice to meet you, Dave.

Thanks for coming out, man. This is really great.

I love that I can see you guys. I can look around.

Thanks for coming, tall guy. I appreciate it.

Were you kind of brought by your wife tonight?

Yeah, dude. I fucking knew it.

I always notice it, ’cause he’s like, “Wow, you guys really like this guy, huh?”

[audience laughs] [chuckles] Hell yeah, dude.

What’s your name? Ryan.

Nice to meet you, Ryan. You guys are married or just together or what?

[woman] Engaged. Engaged?

Oh, amazing. Hell yeah, dude.

[audience] Whoo!

That’s so exciting. That’s great, dude.

And where’d you do it? Where’d you propose?

Hawaii. Hawaii. I did, too. You do you.

What happened to you? Where’d you do it?

[audience laughs]

We were in Kauai. We did it on the beach. Kauai on the beach?

You’re not gonna believe this? Me, too.

[audience laughs] Which beach?

Uh, Hanalei Bay. [Jeff] Hanalei Bay.

I did, uh… We did Secret Beach.

It was better. Uh… [audience laughs]

[laughs] I’m joking. I’m joking. That’s… That’s amazing.

Dude, were you… Oh my God. How old are you, buddy?

[Dave] 27. 27. Nice, man. Congrats to you both.

That’s so cool. Were you nervous to propose, man?

No. No? What the fuck?

[audience laughs] [chuckles]

I don’t even think you got on one knee. You were probably like, “Catch.”

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

“Was I nervous? No, she knows what she’s got.”

[audience laughs]

[chuckles] I do kind of like that.

I like talking here, and then reveal over here.

[audience laughs]

[laughs]

I’m gonna try that with my punchlines, like “How do you make a tissue dance?”

Put a little boogie in it. [laughs]

[audience laughs]

I’m not gay, by the way. I read the comments.

[audience laughs]

[audience member] Whoo! Shut up. [chuckles]

I’m not. I’m not gay. A lot of people think I’m gay.

Uh, a lot of people think I’m gay. Mostly my dad.

He… He was at my wedding, and I could see that he felt it.

He… He didn’t say anything, but when I said “I do,” he had a look in his eyes, like, “Do ya?”

Like, it was… He’s always been that way.

[audience laughs]

My dad’s always asked me if I’m gay.

Since I was like ten years old, he’s like, “You’re not gay, are you?”

I’m like, “I’m not, but I don’t think that’s how you ask.”

[audience chuckles] But I still need his validation.

Any other guys have a dad like that, where they’re like… Oh you, right here.

Hell yeah, dude. Your dad thinks you’re gay?

[man] All the time. All the time? All the time.

That’s an interesting… All the time?

Just like midnight, he’s like, “Bro, you’re gay.

[audience laughs] [indistinct]

He calls you, he’s like, “You’re probably gay, right?”

Whoa, and this is your wife.

Still doesn’t prove it to them.

Doesn’t it suck? You seek their validation constantly.

What’s your name, man? [chuckles] Dakota.

[audience roars with laughter]

Stop. Stop.

[laughs] How dare he name you like that?

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

Your dad bullies you? “Nice name, gay boy.”

You’re like, “What the fuck?”

No, that’s cool, man. That’s…

But I love it. You seem like a confident guy.

You got a wife now and everything, right? Where’d you propose?

Where did you… Can I ask you? Oh, it was, uh, at my own house.

[Jeff] At your house? Yes.

That’s awesome. That’s personal. That’s great.

Some lady booed. She can go straight to hell.

[audience laughs]

Women don’t realize how nerve-wracking it is to propose.

Were you nervous?

I was. [Jeff] So nervous, right?

Even though you know the answer, right? By the way, if you don’t, don’t.

[audience laughs]

Ask, double check.

I was so nervous to propose. I don’t know why.

She picked out the ring and told me to do it.

It’d be fucked up if I got on one knee, and she’s like, “Psych! Ew.”

[audience chuckles]

I was so nervous to propose. I didn’t say, “Will you marry me?”

The first thing I said when I got on one knee was, “Feel free to say no.” That’s how I started.

[laughs]

Just in case, I’d be like, “It was a goof, you idiot.”

“It was just goofing, dude.”

But that’s so cool. Yeah, my dad thinks I’m gay.

A lot of people think I’m gay, but the thing is Like, I don’t wanna give in to that. I don’t wanna be, like, defensive.

Where are my gay people? Make some noise.

[audience cheering]

[chuckles] They put them all over here.

[audience laughs] [chuckles]

This side’s all baseball hats and button-up shirts.

And this side’s gay as hell. Hell yeah, dude.

Nice. You guys… You guys are together right here?

I love that so much. Where’d you two meet?

[woman] Tinder. Tinder?

[audience cheers]

Oh, yeah.

It’s for you guys too.

[audience laughs]

You found love in Tinder.

That’s fantastic. How long have you been together?

Um, six years. [Jeff] That’s great.

Congrats to you guys. That’s awesome.

[audience cheers]

I love that.

And that’s the thing. That’s why I don’t like to get defensive when these fragile dudes are like, “You gay?”

I don’t wanna be like, “No, you’re gay,” as if it’s an insult.

I don’t, so instead, I just try and make them feel as uncomfortable as they’re trying to make me feel.

It works, dude. I did this to a guy. A guy came up to me after a show.

I was wearing a Bette Midler shirt. He comes up to me, and he…

[audience laughs]

I’m sorry, are you part of the problem over here?

She’s an icon. Go fuck yourself. [laughs]

[audience laughs]

It’s a cool Bette Midler shirt.

He comes up to me. I wanted to make him uncomfortable.

He comes up to me, he tugs the shirt and goes, “Nice shirt, man. Didn’t know you were gay.”

And I’m like, “I’m not gay, dude. Pull out your dick. I’ll suck it and hate it.”

Ha. And he was like, “Wait, what?”

That’s when I went, “Om nom nom nom nom nom.”

[audience laughs]

Dude, he backed off, which is… That’s when you win, by the way.

If they back up, you win.

Oh, but if they don’t back up, you have to do it.

[audience laughs]

Rules are rules.

[chuckles] I did that in a bathroom in New York. There was a… a…

No, not the dick part. The first part.

There’s a club I work, the Comedy Cellar in New York, and I went into the bathroom after my set, and in the showroom is the bathroom.

I walk in there, there’s a guy peeing at one of the urinals like this.

I walk in, he looks at me, nods at me, continues to pee.

I get in the urinal next to him. He looks at me again, up and downs me, and then decides to pivot, and hide his penis from me. I’m like, “All right, he recognizes me.”

He’s messing with me. I’m gonna mess with him.

So as he’s peeing, facing this way, I’m peeing facing forward.

I decide to also pivot.

[audience laughs]

And then I lean over his shoulder and say, “Let me see it,” like that.

As a guy, that’s a fun bit.

That’s a fun… That’s how we are.

Guy to guy, like, “Let me see that dick,” you know?

It’s fun.

But he didn’t recognize me, so it was not funny at all.

That… that was a stranger.

I think it’s just men’s rooms in general I hate.

We don’t get the privacy you ladies get. We got to pee next to each other, facing the wall, and they put a barrier up, but just enough so that we can still make eye contact if we need to. [chuckles]

Sometimes we don’t even have the stall doors for the bathrooms.

Have you seen this, fellas, where there’s no stall door for the toilet?

They’re building bathrooms, like, “You can poop in here, but you’re gonna meet somebody.”

[audience laughs]

And I had to use one. I had to use one in Chicago.

It was probably ten years ago. Long hallway of a bathroom.

Let’s say from right here was the entrance.

At the end of this long hallway of a bathroom was one toilet against a wall like this.

No barrier at all between the toilet and the door.

No lock on the door.

Then right in front of me, across from the toilet, was a urinal two feet away.

So if you come in to pee, I’m the first thing, like…

[audience laughs]

And, dude, I remember thinking, “If someone comes in, I gotta greet them.”

I gotta… [chuckles] I gotta acknowledge them in some way.

So my first thought was, I’ll be really friendly.

Door opens up, I could just be like, “Hello.” “Nope.”

“Nope. That’s way too friendly.”

“That’s an invitation, Jeffrey. Don’t do that.”

So then I thought, I’ll just be a cool guy.

What would a cool guy do, you know? My first thought was, “I’ll be like this.”

I’ll just, like… Door opens up. I could be like, “Ay-oh,” like that.

Like… Nobody does this.

You don’t even do this. None of you do this.

‘Cause you’re like, “Aren’t your pants around your ankles?”

I take my pants all the way off.

[audience laughs] [chuckles]

So that was the plan. Door opens up. “Ay-oh. Oh, you peeing? I’m pooping.”

[audience laughs]

That was the plan. And then, dude, the door opened up so much more aggressively than I thought it would, and it scared me.

And I forgot all my lines, and my instincts kicked in, and I hate so much that this is my instincts, but I swear to God, this is what happened.

The door swings open, and I go, [high-pitched] “No,” like that. And…

[audience laughs]

I wish… I wish I was kidding about the octave.

I wish I was like, [gruffly] “No.”

[chuckles] Uh-uh. I went, [in high pitch] “No.”

And he had tattoos. He was 6’5″, a big beard.

I was like, “This is how it ends, baby.”

You know? I’m like, [high-pitched] “No.” And he’s like, [gruffly] “Yeah.”

[chuckles] But he was so sweet. I misjudged him so much.

He was genuinely so nice.

I remember when I said “No,” he went, “Okay,” and he put his hand up.

He backed up. This is how nice he was. I went to go leave the bathroom.

I opened the door, and I hit him in the back, ’cause he was standing in front of it and guarding it, and not letting anybody else in.

Isn’t that ador… I bought him a beer.

He was so nice. His name’s Jonathan. He’s from Kentucky.

He likes photography, but that’s not what he’s doing right now.

[chuckles] Anyways, I’m not gay.

[audience laughs] [chuckles]

I think… You know what it was? I think a lot of people think I’m gay

’cause of my effeminate, uh, features.

Not features. That makes it sound like I have boobs.

[audience laughs]

Qualities. Yes.

Because I was raised by women, and I’m proud of it, dude.

I gained way more than I lost being raised by sisters.

I swear. Truly.

Any other guys have a big female presence growing up?

A lot of females in their life?

Yeah? Right here, buddy? Hell yeah. That’s great, man. What’s your name, dude?

[Rich] Rich. Yes. Rich? Nice to meet you.

I love your whole look. Your eyebrows are perfect.

Thank you.

That’s great, man. Nice…

What was your situation growing up, Richie Rich?

I grew up with a sister, and then all women, aunts, like, in my family.

[Jeff] Women and aunts all your… Dude, that…

Do you think you gained more than you lost?

[sighs] Oh. [laughs]

Oh, he looked up to the sky and went… [exhales]

[audience laughs]

Is this your girl with you? Yeah.

[Jeff] That’s amazing, dude.

So… so, yeah, that influence that they had on you.

[Rich] Big influence. Big influence?

I learned to keep my mouth shut. [Jeff] Learned to keep your mouth shut?

That is true. That is true.

[audience cheering]

Fuck off. [laughs]

[audience laughs]

“Yeah, you do what you’re told.”

This poor kid is just like, “I cannot talk.”

[audience chuckles]

That’s so cool, man. Did they dress you up in make up and dresses?

Yes. Yeah? Oh, my God. Did you hate it?

[Rich] I did. Yeah. You did? Are you being honest?

[audience laughs] [chuckles] I used to pretend to hate it.

I’d be like, “I bet you’re gonna make me wear this today.” [laughs]

And then they’d be like, “Answer the door for your dad.”

I was six years old.

My dad would come home, and I’m like, “Hello, Daddy.”

And he was just like, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

And I’m like, “These are all the people I’ve ever met, dude.”

“And I feel beautiful.”

They judge. The sisters judge too. The women you bring home too, yeah?

Yeah, my sisters judge every girl I’ve ever brought home.

If I brought a girl home, they’re like, “She’s a whore.”

And I’m like, “I know.”

[audience laughs]

That’s my favorite part so far. What else do you guys like?

I will say this. They do love my wife.

My wife is an amazing person.

We got married this year.

[audience cheering]

Yeah, they love her, dude.

And one of my sisters is a huge fan of hers, actually.

‘Cause my wife, I don’t know if you know, was on reality TV for a few years.

My wife was on The Bachelorette. Yeah.

[audience cheers]

Yeah, you guys heard? Have you seen it, buddy?

You have? Have you seen the show before? The Bachelorette?

No? Let me… Brother, let me explain what the show is.

It’s a show where one woman dates, like, 30 different guys.

[mock laughs]

[audience laughs]

[laughs]

And she tries to fall in love, but if she doesn’t fall in love…

[laughs] This is what you get to take home if you don’t win.

[laughs goofily]

I get in my head about it. If you haven’t met her, she’s beautiful.

And when we started dating, dude, I was not used to the attention that she got.

We started dating. She put a picture of us up together, of us hugging on her Instagram.

It was adorable. It was a soft launch.

But then Us Weekly picked it up.

Us Weekly picked it up as news, and they decided to announce with the headline, “Former Bachelorette Katie Thurston Dating Comedian.”

No name.

[audience laughs] [chuckles]

“Beauty queen fucks clown.” That’s what that said.

You know what pissed me off? They didn’t even choose our photo of us holding each other.

They chose two separate photos of us alone and then just put them next to each other.

[chuckles] It looks like I murdered her, dude.

It’s a photo of her on a red carpet like this, then a photo of me just outside looking into the camera.

And all the comments underneath were so mean.

A lot of… Just so many vomit emojis.

So many, like, “Him, really? Ew.”

“That guy? Ew. That’s your boyfriend? Ew.”

And it hurt my feelings. I’m not gonna lie.

It hurts to hear those things.

I’m almost 40 years old, dude.

I’m not gonna reply to those comments, you know?

So I created a fake Instagram account.

[audience laughs]

[chuckles]

Then I went to every one of those people’s pages, and I commented the same thing verbatim on their children’s pictures.

[audience roars with laughter]

And it felt good, brother. [chuckles]

You don’t know the catharsis I felt sitting on the toilet like, “That’s your son? Ew.”

[laughs] That’s just… That’s… I swear to God I did that.

I just… I told my friend that in secret, and he laughed so hard that now I tell you guys.

[audience laughs] [chuckles]

Yeah, dude. I don’t know. I feel like I have to grow up.

That’s the type of shit I find funny, you know? How old are you guys?

How old are you? You seem about my age.

Forty-two. Forty-two.

Get the fuck out of here, Rich.

Really? You look amazing, dude. Thank you.

That’s great, man. Do you feel your age? [Rich] I do.

You do? How so? When?

My knees. Your knees? Oh. Oh, no.

Let me see them.

[audience laughs]

Oh, fuck, yeah.

Those are so fucked up, dude.

[clears throat] Ew.

[laughs] Not like… not like your knees.

Where’s my 27-year-old baby boy?

[audience laughs] Let me see those.

Oh, look at those knockers. Hell yeah, dude.

[laughs] I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

Uh, dude, I don’t… I feel like we had this…

You’re 42. I’m 38. We had the same shit.

We had the same childhood for the most part.

You had, like, a Furby.

I wanted one. [Jeff] You wanted one. Aw.

Well, guess what? Look under your seat, buddy.

[audience roars with laughter]

[laughs]

Wouldn’t that… That’d be the cutest thing in the world.

He’s like, “Oh my God.”

[audience laughs]

You had a Tamagotchi, right? Yeah, that was fun.

She still has one. [Jeff] Still has one?

That’s gotta be annoying. Uh…

Wow. Did you… Dude, there was a toy. I don’t know if you remember.

It came out in 2000. I don’t know if you guys had it.

It was called Big Mouth Billy Bass.

Do you guys remember?

[audience] Yeah!

Okay, let me explain, let me explain.

It was this animatronic fish you put on the wall.

I can hear you all explaining it to each other right now.

I can hear all the men going, “Oh, let me take this one over for you, Jeff.”

“Yeah, come here, honey. It was a fish on a wall.”

[chuckles]

It was this fish on a wall, and what happened is, if you pressed the button or you walked past it, it would activate it, and the tail would start wagging on the fish, and then music would start playing, and then during the chorus of the song, he would fucking look at you.

[audience laughs]

Then he went back to being a fish.

And I remember when the battery started to die on Big Mouth Billy Bass, the only drop in quality before it completely died is when he went to go sing the chorus of the song, his speech would slow down.

Just for this chorus, and it scared the shit out of me as a kid.

The first song was, uh, “Take Me to the River”, and this is how it sounded when the batteries were dying.

It was like this. It’d be… [chuckles] … like, ♪ I wanna know. Can you help me? ♪

♪ How to love again ♪

♪ Take me ♪

♪ To the river ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Drop me ♪

♪ In the water ♪

And I’m 12, like “Billy. Billy.”

Do you know what he sounded like? Do you remember this movie?

Do you remember The Silence of the Lambs?

[audience] Whoo!

Buffalo Bill from The Silence of the Lambs is exactly how it sounded.

They put the lotion… put the lotion in the basket.

That guy, it sounded so much like Buffalo Bill, I’m not even kidding around right now.

Tell me how much he sounds like Buffalo Bill with this second song. I’m serious, tell me.

I swear to God, this is how it sounded when the batteries were dying.

It’s crazy.

The second song is “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”

[laughs] [woman] Whoo! Whoo!

[imitating] “I love that song.” [laughs]

[snorts] Okay.

This is it. Tell me how much he sounds like Buffalo Bill. I’m not kidding.

♪ Here’s a little song I wrote ♪

♪ You might want to sing it Note for note ♪

Would you fuck me?

[audience roars with laughter]

[snickers] Did you…

‘Cause I’d fuck me.

♪ Whoo, ooh, ooh, ooh, ohh ♪

Then he tucked his little fish dick in.

[laughs]

[audience cheers and applauds]

[laughs] Stop.

You guys are so nice.

[chuckles] Yeah, I have to grow up.

How old are you, Dakota?

[Dakota] 37. 37? Ooh, we’re getting closer.

Dave? [Dave] 51.

Too far. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

I’m so… I’m… [laughs] I’m so sorry. You do… I love you.

Dude, do you…

I feel you look much younger than 51, if I’m being honest, Dave.

You’re welcome, man.

Do you feel… Have you ever done…

Have you done any old guy things? I’ve sneaked old guy things in my 30s.

Do you know what I mean? Let me give an example.

Me and my wife went to a concert recently.

We got in line, and then a long line quickly formed behind us, so I turned to her, and I said, “Looks like we got here just in time.”

No? That one?

How about this? Have you said this? I guarantee I got you with this one.

Have you said out loud, “That’s how they get you?”

Have you said that out loud? Yeah, you did it here!

You motherfucker. You…

Wait. Wha… What was it? What was it?

The popcorn prices? No, the price of a cocktail. 22 bucks.

The price of a cocktail was 22 bucks? Goddamn it, David! That’s how…

[laughs] You did it today.

Oh, I love that.

‘Cause you don’t know. If you’re Gen Z, they’re trying to get you.

And it’s up to guys like me and Dave to point them out and be like, “Stop! That’s how they’re gonna do it.”

I’ve been saying it so much, dude. I’ve been saying it…

I did it at Walgreens, I remember. I was buying candy at Walgreens.

It was a dollar for the candy, and then underneath it said, “On sale, two for $2.”

Ugh! [audience laughs]

Out loud, I’m like, “That’s how they get you right there.”

I was alone. Who am I talking to?

A buddy of mine, he’s been incorporating old guy phrases.

He’s in his early 30s, and he’s been incorporating it, but he’s not letting go of his young guy phrases yet, so it’s very confusing.

He took a girl home after a show one time, and I was like, “Did you guys have sex?”

He goes, “No, she just went down on me, and then we fooled around.”

I giggled at that. I pictured, like, a blowjob and then hide-and-seek.

Like, “What are you doing?” [audience laughs]

She’s like, “No, it’s when she took her hand. I’m like, “Ugh, never mind.”

Don’t… I don’t wanna hear old and young next to each other, like, “I’m gonna eat ass and dilly-dally.” I don’t wanna hear that.

Let me ask you this, Dave.

Would you go back to a younger age if you could?

Here’s the catch.

You say probably, but you’d have to go back to the old brain.

Yeah, the old brain. [chuckles]

I love that he asked his… He asked his wife what I said.

He’s like, “What did he say?”

[audience laughs]

Obviously, he didn’t do it with that voice, but I added it to be funny for you guys.

[imitating old man] “What did he say?”

You’re being a good sport. I love you. Thanks.

Say it back. [laughs]

[audience laughs]

He just goes, “All right.”

[laughter continues]

Here’s an example of a mistake I’ve made. I don’t know if you’ve made any.

I want to hear from you about this, okay?

I’m gonna give an example, but I want to ask you after if you guys have an example of a mistake that stays with you, okay?

I don’t know if you know those mistakes. The ones you remember ten years later.

Your brain just decides to bring it back up, and then you’re walking down the street, and you go, “Fuck!” like that.

Do you get those where you go regret…

I call them regrets Tourette’s, where you’re walking around, and you’re like, “Son of a bitch, motherfucker.”

And someone’s like, “What happened?”

You’re like, “I called my teacher mom in 11th grade.”

This is my example.

I was in Tulum a couple years ago for my birthday.

Where are my Spanish speakers at?

[audience cheers]

Yeah? Hell yeah. What’s your name, miss?

[woman] Shannon.

Anybody over here?

[audience laughs]

[Jeff laughs]

What’s your name, miss?

Whoa, what is it?

Ana?

Eh. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

Say it one more time. I’m so sorry. Ana.

Ana. Oh, what the fuck? I don’t…

[audience laughs]

[snorts] I don’t know why…

I was li… I don’t know why I tried turning it up so much.

She said Ana, and I’m like, “Oh, your name is Alta.”

[audience laughs]

It was Ana.

Nice to meet you. Are you guys… What’s your ethnic background?

Uh, it’s Mexican. Nice, that’s in Tulum.

And… I don’t know why I’m telling you that.

Did you know that’s where that is?

That’s some type of shit Shannon would say.

[audience laughs] I’m kidding. I love you, Shan Jan.

[laughs] I love the whole audience going, “Not further.”

“I’m lost. How did I get in here?”

[audience laughs] [laughs]

So I was in Tulum. I was in Tulum, and we booked a resort for my birthday a couple years ago, and I don’t speak… Like I said, I speak zero Spanish, and we accidentally booked an entirely Spanish-speaking resort, no English at all.

And every day, I needed to get soy milk for my coffee, and I knew that leche is milk, right, Ana?

That’s all I knew.

So with confidence, every day, I walked over to a different barista with a black coffee, and said, “Soy leche.”

And every time, they were just like, “Okay.”

And they didn’t do anything.

Some of you guys know why this is funny already. [chuckles]

I forgot I was in Arizona.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

But I do see a couple Dakotas that are lost, so let me…

So Ana, let me explain to the gringos.

Every day, I said “Soy leche” until the last day my brother-in-law goes, “Have you been saying that every day?”

And I go, “Yeah, why?”

He goes, “You’re walking up to different Mexicans and saying, “I am milk.””

[audience laughs]

And you’re so white, they’re just like, “Okay.”

“Congratulations.”

And then I learned, Ana, it’s “leche de soja,” right? Yes, yeah.

I rehearsed it for like an hour and a half in my room in front of the mirror.

“Leche de soja. Leche de soja.”

I went back the last day. I walked up to the barista I saw all week, and I walked up with confidence and rehearsal, and I said “Leche de soja, por favor.”

And the guy goes, “¿Caliente o frio?” And I go, “Oh, sí.”

[audience laughs] [chuckles]

Sí. The whole plane ride home, “Oh, sí,” you fucking idiot.

But that’s… Dude, that’s why I wouldn’t want to go back.

Those mistakes, that’s why.

Anybody here who’s made a similar mistake? Doesn’t have to be language-based, but a mistake that makes you think all the time.

Make some noise if you wanna…

[man] Yeah! Right there. I see your hand raised.

What’s your name, miss?

Grace. [Jeff] Grace? Nice to meet you, Grace.

What’s something that you keep thinking about?

We just started dating, and went to visit his friends for the first time in Phoenix.

You just started dating, and you went to visit his friends for the first time in Phoenix.

I do, like, so far, have to point out how far away he’s leaning from you, right?

[audience roars with laughter]

He’s like, “What the fuck? It’s been a week.”

[laughs] It’s okay, Grace. It’s okay. Okay.

In the best friend’s house, they left some, like, magic lube on the bedside.

They left magic lube on the bedside for you two as a lark or as like a, “Hey, buddy, you’re gonna need this.”

I thought they wanted to, like, set him up for that, but it ended up being cement paste.

[audience gasps]

It was cement paste, not lube?

Okay.

Are you okay?

[audience laughs]

Holy shit, dude.

We were able to detach.

[Jeff] You were able to detach?

What the fuck happened?

[audience laughs]

Are you engaged?

You’re married. Oh, okay. Wow. Fuck.

So it worked. You guys…

[audience laughs]

I assume you walked down the aisle together side by side.

Whoa! Did you actually use it, or did you notice before?

Oh, we used it. You used it?

[audience laughs]

What? First of all, I don’t think…

I didn’t know about cement paste until right now.

But whoever works in their marketing department needs to put it in bigger letters, apparently.

Something was clearly off because most lubes are, like, small and sleek and sexy, and this was…

Wait, hold on a second. What the fuck?

You said something was clearly off because all lubes are small and sleek and sexy?

How much you lubing up, brother?

This guy hasn’t had a dry day in his life, dude.

[audience laughs]

You know typical lubes. Smart, sexy, sleek.

[audience laughs] [chuckles]

This one, a bore.

[crowd laughs]

What the fuck?

So you put… Yeah, okay. You have a question? Grace, go ahead.

So far, you’re my two favorite people I’ve ever met.

I want to clarify, I saw my gynecologist who said I was just fine.

Okay, so you want to clarify that you saw your gynecologist, and she said you’re doing just fine? Hell yeah.

I mean, you don’t need a gyno. Just hire a contractor.

[audience roars with laughter]

[audience cheers]

[laughs] He just kicks it.

“That’s a good foundation. You’ll be all right.”

That’s great. Dude, I love this.

I would never… No offense, but like where’s my boy?

Where’s my boy? Where’s my Richie Rich?

Richie. Richie.

He’s right here. Don’t worry, I got him. What the fuck is that mustache? Holy shit.

What the fuck? It snuck up on you.

Holy shit. Where’d you meet her? On the railroad tracks?

What the fuck, dude?

[chuckles]

I’d talk to you, but I’d be afraid you’d say, “Huh, see,” every time.

Whoa, man.

What is your name?

Mustache Mike. [Jeff] Mustache Mike?

What? You were just Mike, until you’re like, “I need to be somebody else.”

How long is it? How long can you stretch that sucker out?

Well, I mean…

I keep it curled. [Jeff] You keep it curled?

No, I noticed. You have to do that every day, right?

What do you do? What do you do for work, Mike?

[Mike] I’m an ironworker. You’re an ironworker. Yes, of course.

Hell yeah. Well, thank you for stopping by from 1922.

[audience laughs]

What the fuck? [chuckles]

An ironworker with that mustache? What, do you box like this?

[audience laughs]

[Jeff laughs]

This is so fucking fun, dude.

You’re the best. This whole area is the best.

Yeah, I would never want to go back. I think… I wouldn’t… I respe…

How old are you, man? 38, same. [Mike] 38.

Okay, hell yeah. Would you go back to just Mike, no mustache?

It was fun, but probably not.

I would not wanna go back to the same mistakes.

That’s my biggest takeaway, dude. I don’t want to go back to 22.

I don’t wanna go back to being the guy at the strip club, like, “No. I think she likes me, you know?” Yeah.

That’s funny to you.

Look around. Those young guys are like, “Sometimes they do like you, though.”

No, they don’t. That’s how they get you, fellas.

[audience laughs and cheers]

Gotta be…

[audience applauds and cheers]

This is so cool, man. I think that’s what it is too.

I feel like nobody… You don’t ever feel your age, right?

You never feel your age because I think it’s never just time passing.

You don’t turn 35, and you go, “Oh, time to be 35.”

It’s just events in your life, you know? It could be a child.

It could be something tragic, and unfortunately, that was, uh…

That’s what happened to me and my wife this year.

We kind of had a lot of growing up to do this year, uh…

Some of you may know, but back in February, my wife was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer.

Uh, it flipped our world upside down, and I bring it up because I want to talk about our life since then, but I also want to reassure you guys that my wife is kicking cancer’s ass right now.

[audience cheers]

She’s the best.

[audience continues cheering]

I bring it up also because I want to talk about our life since then.

I can’t talk about having cancer. I’ve never had cancer.

But I can talk about being married to somebody… somebody…

You’re being in love with somebody with cancer, and I can tell you the hardest part, I think so far, was about the first, like, three or four weeks.

Uh… I couldn’t get her to laugh, man.

And that’s, like… That’s all I got, you know?

I didn’t know how to do it. I tried everything, and I couldn’t get her to laugh, and I just… I felt like a failure to her.

And then I remember about three weeks in, I got her to laugh.

I remember that moment, and I told her a very stupid joke that was not funny at all, but that’s my favorite joke because I got a little bit out of her.

I’m gonna tell you that joke right now.

You better fucking laugh.

[audience laughs]

It was about midnight.

We were hanging out in bed, and she made a very dark comment.

She said something kind of sad, and I just wanted to retort with something kind of fun.

She said, “Do you know when I die, you’d be a widower?”

And I said, “Well, that sucks because I’m 5’8, so I’m already pretty widow.”

[audience laughs] [chuckles]

And it was a small laugh.

It was a very small laugh from her. She rolled her eyes mostly.

In her defense, I was half-naked except for a T-shirt, and I wiggled it, you know? [chuckles]

I used a little prop comedy, you know what I mean, Dave?

But that’s what I realized she needed.

It was not for me to just hug her, tell her everything’s gonna be okay.

She doesn’t want that. She wants me to put cancer on the ground and make fun of it, and that’s what we do now.

And my wife is probably even better at that than I am.

I’m gonna tell you something that she said. I’m not kidding.

One week ago, we were in Boston. We drove from New York to Boston.

Just to give you an idea of how badass and hilarious my wife is.

It was supposed to be a four-hour drive.

It took 8 1⁄2 hours for us to drive there with traffic.

The whole ride, I was just teasing her and bugging her the whole time.

And at one point, I make a quip. I go, “Hey, yeah.”

“That’s too bad you’re stuck with me for life, baby.”

And she goes, “Why do you think God gave me stage 4 cancer?”

I’m going 70 miles, like, “What the fuck?”

“What the fuck?” And she’s just like, “Ha ha ha.”

I bring that up ’cause I’m gonna talk about teasing her in a lot of ways as well as her teasing me, but I want you to know she handles it, man.

She’s a trooper when it comes to taking jokes and stuff.

[audience cheers]

And I say that ’cause I want to tell you my favorite prank I’ve ever pulled on my wife.

I think my favorite prank ever.

When I moved her from L.A. to New York, the first thing she said was, “I wanna get a New York slice.”

I said, “Hell yeah.” She goes, “I want a cheese slice.”

I said, “In New York, we call it a regular slice.”

And she goes, “Oh, okay. What other things about New York should I know?”

And then I started making things up.

[audience laughs]

And the first thing I said was, “If you ever want a bagel in New York and you want cream cheese on that bagel, you don’t say cream cheese.”

You say, “Make it sloppy.”

And that’s a little bit funny. That’s kind of funny, right?

But what’s really funny is that she did it.

That was my favorite day of 2025.

When she goes, “Oh, really? I’m gonna go get us bagels.

And I’m like, “I’m coming with you.”

We walked up to the deli counter and she looks at him and goes, “Hi, can I have two everything bagels?” And then looked at me for validation.

And I… I remember that moment.

Because that was my last chance.

That was my last chance to be like, “It’s called cream cheese, nothing else, I apologize.”

But instead, I stoically looked at her and said, “You got this.”

And then she looked at the guy and goes, “And please make them sloppy.”

[audience laughs] [chuckles]

And he stopped what he was doing and just goes, “What does this mean?”

[audience laughs]

And she goes, “Oh, like, cream cheese?”

And then, so delicately, he goes, “Say cream cheese.”

[audience laughs] [chuckles]

And dude, the daggers she shot at me.

But I couldn’t miss the opportunity to go, “Say cream cheese.”

We didn’t have sex for two weeks.

Worth it, though.

Man, we weren’t having sex anyway, so fuck it. [laughs]

To be honest, we weren’t, ’cause we were actually, uh…

This year, after she got diagnosed, they had told her she has ten days to decide if she ever wants kids, um, because we have to go through the IVF process.

Um, if you guys don’t know what that is, I’m not as sure either, uh…

We brought science in to make a baby, basically, and we have two healthy female embryos waiting for us when we are ready.

[audience cheers]

And I’m so excited for that.

But the process…

I gotta say, the process itself is difficult.

Not… Has anybody here gone through that as a couple here that’s willing to chat about it a little bit? Yeah? Ana? Ana.

Ana and Hector, you guys have gone through it? That’s amazing.

Good for you. Are there results we can talk about?

Not yet? Okay, all right. That’s all good. Well, I’m excited for you both.

You’re working on it, as are we. That’s amazing.

[audience cheers]

So you, Ana, have to go through so much, right, buddy?

If you were to put the work… the group project, and who did the most work, it’s mostly her, right?

Our one contribution was something we’ve been preparing our whole lives for.

Ha. It’s what? It’s awkward. [Hector] Awkward.

All right, yeah. I mean, you’re the only one in there. [laughs]

He just gets shy with himself. He’s like, “What’s your name?”

That’s what we had to do. We had to…

Did you do it in the clinic or the hospital, or did you do it at home?

No, the clinic. [Jeff] The clinic. Yeah, me too.

They give you the option, though. Did you know that?

For the sperm sample, they tell you, “You could do it at home,” but you just have to get it there in 45 minutes.

I was like, “Oh, what a fun day through New York City that would be.”

Just running through the streets like, “Hot soup!”

[audience laughs] No. No.

I’d rather do it there. That’s where I did too.

You went in the clinic? Yep. And you have to do it into a cup, right?

That was weird. Isn’t that weird?

Have you ever done into a cup before?

No, neither have I. I don’t want to judge. Don’t… don’t judge.

There could be a guy here like, “Don’t touch my diamond-backed cups.”

I’m not…

[audience laughs]

Don’t judge, Hector.

But you went in the room and… When they handed me the cup, I remember she handed me the cup, and this threw me off.

She goes, “Oh, and by the way, there’s no assistance whatsoever.”

And I go, “Of course.”

And I go to the room.

And it wasn’t until like a week later, after I was already done, that I realized she meant no lube or lotion.

I swear to God. I thought she handed me a cup, and was like, “And I’m not gonna jerk you off in there.”

[audience laughs]

I was like, “Oh my God, okay. This must be a new policy.”

She brought it up so sternly.

[audience laughs]

Then he went in the room and did it. Let me ask you this, Hector.

How long did you take?

[audience laughs]

Five minutes. Five minutes.

About the same. I was about three minutes.

And then I was worried, so then I sat in there and I was like, “Now, what’s a cool guy amount of time?”

[audience laughs]

I don’t wanna pop out in three minutes, and then be like, “Okay, thanks.”

So I waited in the room like 25 minutes after that.

That was too long. I… They knocked.

I don’t think they’ve ever had to do that before.

I think it was ’cause I had my volume up. I was watching Reels on my phone.

Just killing time.

I had the volume up, which they were probably walking by, like, “I think there’s a guy jerking off to baseball highlights in there.”

Then I left. I remember this too. I kept myself unzipped. I don’t know why.

My logic was that if they busted into the room, I didn’t want to not be doing anything.

I think that’d be weirder if they come into the room and I’m sitting there like “I’m waiting for assistance,” you know?

So I kept my pants kind of undone in case they popped in the room.

I could be like, “Hey, get out of here. I’m jerking off like you told me to.”

But that was it. That’s all I had to do. Just one day of cranking it. What?

[Hector] I had to do it twice. Twice?

So the first time I had to do it– [Jeff] Okay. [laughs]

I did not even ask a follow-up. That was…

“I did it twice, and come closer so I can tell you.”

[audience laughs]

Okay, keep going.

So the first time, I wasn’t prepared. I didn’t take headphones with me.

[Jeff] You didn’t take headphones?

Hector, I like where this is going, brother.

I get to the clinic, and so I wasn’t prepared or anything like that.

“Just step in the bathroom, and do your thing.”

[Jeff] They put you in the bathroom?

So that means there’s probably a sink, right?

And then there’s a mirror. Uh-oh.

[audience laughs]

I think every guy has done that at some point, where you put the phone up there to watch it, you know?

[laughs] And then you’re doing your thing, and then you accidentally make eye contact with yourself.

Yep? If that’s when you bust, that’s when you bust.

Keep going, Hector. This is your story.

So the walls were super thin. The walls were super thin?

So you can hear the lobby. The kids in there.

[imitates vomit sound]

So you can hear the lobby? You can hear kids in the lobby?

Yeah.

I don’t… Oh, keep going so we can move past that part.

That was the first time, and then the second time you came and you brought headphones, noise-canceling headphones.

[laughs]

Then you got… That was the good one? That was the good one?

So… the last one. Did you leave when you couldn’t do it?

Did you leave and you’re like, “The walls are too thin”?

Yep.

You just walked out, and they’re like, “Hey, where’s the cum?”

I’m sure they said it more professionally.

I don’t think you were walking out, and they were like, “Hey, you forgot to give us your nut, Hector.” [laughs]

“Come on. Come on.” [chuckles]

Wow. That’s crazy, dude.

Thank you for being honest. Let’s just be…

Can we say something? Hector did a great job tonight, guys, huh?

[audience cheers]

[Jeff] That was great.

Now, Ana, I want to talk to you. Now, what you’ve had to go through is ten times worse than having to jerk off twice with no headphones.

You go through the shots in the belly every morning and night.

Am I right? Are you doing them yourself? God bless you. That’s great.

My wife is… is terrified of needles, so she’s unable to do it herself.

I started doing her needles for her in the morning and at night, but then I became a villain in her life where she was scared to see me coming.

So I decided to create a new character in our home.

I bought a full doctor’s uniform on Amazon.

I would dress up every morning and night for her, and it was cute as hell the first couple days. I’ll be honest.

But then it got pretty sexy, and I couldn’t help it.

[audience laughs]

Because I would stay in character. That was the issue.

She’d be like, “Give me a kiss.” I’m like, “I could lose my license.”

I’d push her away. I’d push her away by the face.

“Get out of here. Go back to the lobby. I got other patients.”

[audience laughs] [chuckles]

That was what was weird about it, is that you actually…

I don’t know if you know this. When you’re doing IVF, you can’t have sex.

Did you know that? Yeah. That’s what she said they said.

So… [audience laughs]

So we didn’t have sex throughout all of it.

She’s so empathetic and nice, she goes, “I know we haven’t had sex in about a month, and I just want to let you know you can masturbate if you want to.”

[audience laughs] [chuckles]

And then I had to be like, “Oh my God, thank you so much.”

“Wow, are you sure? Because I can continue to wait.”

I’ve been in the shower going, “No, get out of here.”

“Stop.” [laughs]

I never miss a day. [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

That’s my own Duolingo streak. I’m not fucking it up.

She’s really sweet about it, though.

She does ask a lot of questions, and she was like, “Do you masturbate?”

I was like, “Of course.” She’s like, “Where do you do it?”

And I was like, “You’re asking too many fucking questions.”

She goes, “I want you to feel comfortable doing it.”

I’m like, “Legally, that’s not the thing.”

She’s like, “In bed. I just want you to feel comfortable.”

“If you wanted to do it in bed next to me, that’s fine, just give me a heads-up.”

And I was like, “That sounds horrifying for you.”

You want me to elbow you at 2 a.m. like, “Hey, it’s happening, you know?”

“Earplugs, baby girl, I’m about to make it sloppy.”

I’m not. No way, dude.

Porn is funny. I gotta say that. I stopped watching porn.

Today? Yeah, and I…

[audience laughs]

I think millennials are the last generation to feel the shame that we feel with pornography, ’cause we were the last generation to receive the Internet.

Every other generation grew up with the Internet after us.

We were the last ones around ten to 13 years old where we were handed the Internet by our parents who didn’t know how to use it.

So they gave us a computer, and they’re like, “There’s boobies on there, but don’t look for them.”

[audience laughs]

And we all learned.

Why do you think so many millennials work in IT?

We were all 12 years old, like…

[audience laughs]

That’s… I learned about computers so quickly because of that.

I used to delete my search… You delete your search history, Dave?

All of it, even the cookies.

I don’t know what they do, but I know they’ll fuck you up.

So I deleted the cookies. Here’s the problem. Here’s my trauma.

My dad didn’t know how to delete his search history.

[audience laughs]

Yeah.

So I used to delete his for us.

[audience laughs]

‘Cause if he goes down, this whole fucking thing goes down.

So every night at 2 a.m., I slide downstairs and delete it manually.

And I remember one time I got caught.

I got caught not deleting my search history.

My mom found it on the computer and printed it out for when I got home from school.

She printed it out, dude.

This is a 1997 Epson printer. It took a while.

This poor woman’s standing over it.

[imitates printer sound]

“Oh, oh, oh.”

She left it on the counter.

I get home from school. She just points at it.

She goes, “Do you have anything to say?” And I go, “Oh my God.”

“Dad’s been watching porn.”

[audience laughs]

I flipped on him the first chance I got.

I ratted him out.

I was like, “And he’s smoking cigarettes too.”

‘Cause that’s the way it was.

My dad wasn’t allowed to look at porn and smoke. Then he did both.

So I would take his porn and take his cigarettes.

He’s like, “You can’t do that.”

And I’m like, “Who the fuck are you gonna tell?” [chuckles]

That’s what you get for calling me gay, Dad.

[audience laughs] [chuckles]

We have sex now, though, my wife and I, which is pretty sick.

[audience laughs]

My wife. Jesus!

Did you think I was talking about my dad?

[audience laughs]

Holy shit. [chuckles] That would show him.

Who’s gay now? [laughs]

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers]

He’s here. I’m not joking. He’s here.

[laughs]

No, I have sex with my wife.

In her vagina. That’s where she likes it.

Dude, we had sex… We recorded it, actually.

Yeah. Has anybody ever recorded themselves doing it before?

[audience cheers]

Yeah?

You, right in front? Oh, nice. It’s just you.

You don’t want to? Okay. [chuckles]

Okay, so, yeah, cameras. Attack.

[audience laughs]

[Jeff chuckles]

What the hell?

You shouldn’t be so shy around these cameras.

You wanna tell me about it, or no?

I just… I don’t need to know the details. Just some of the details.

[audience laughs]

Was it for yourself? Who are you here with?

My mom. [Jeff] Oh.

[audience roars with laughter]

[laughs] A hug was a weird choice.

Okay, so…

Uh, okay, um…

Did you want me to move on? Yeah.

I will respect that 100%. I’m not here to make you feel uncomfortable.

Thank you so much for coming out. Thank you for real.

I appreciate you. I’m not gonna…

You’re a teacher? Oh, okay.

I know why. [audience chuckles]

Oh! Holy shit.

There’s 50 guys in here going, “Time to go back to school.”

Not me, though. Mm-mm.

That’s great. Did you go to school to become a teacher?

No. [Jeff] What did you study?

Psychology. [Jeff] Psychology, whoa.

That’s important as a teacher. You gotta know what those kids are up to.

I went to school for English, so I can’t talk shit.

Yeah, oh, you… Somebody else went to… You did too? What do you do now?

[woman] I’m a mommy. You’re a mom. I can’t do that.

[audience laughs]

My friends made fun of me so much for going.

They’re like, “English. What are you gonna do with that?”

“Flip burgers real good?” And I’m like, “No, dick.”

“I’m gonna flip burgers really well, okay?”

[audience laughs] [chuckles] Yeah.

[audience cheers]

Thank you.

Anyways, I have sex with my wife, and… we recorded it, but we didn’t mean to record it.

What happened was, we got a dog recently, so we got a dog camera installed on our shelf.

A Furbo, if you will, and that thing just picks up movement, any movement.

And not to brag, I was moving.

[audience laughs]

And we didn’t know this, and it was pinging my wife’s phone with ten-second clips of us having sex over and over again.

And it was from the app, so it was like, “Your dog is in pain right now.”

[audience laughs]

She thought it’d be funny to send me these ten-second clips.

My wife thought it’d be hilarious to send me the entirety of us having sex to my phone.

Yeah, she sent me both clips.

[audience laughs]

I don’t know if you guys have ever seen footage of yourself having sex, but that’s a great way to start making changes in your life.

It’s a motivator, dude. I found this out about myself.

When she’s on top and I’m underneath, apparently, I curl my hands into my chest.

That fucking sucks, dude.

To find out your favorite position is cozy? Ew.

Oh, I’m just missing a good book and a little bit of rain. Mm-mm.

I was screaming at the footage like it was game tape.

I was like, “Brother, you gotta move your hands, man. Come on.” [chuckles]

I didn’t know how much back hair I had until I saw this shit.

Do you know how much back hair you have to have for a three-megapixel camera to pick it up?

I was squinting like, “Did I fall into Oreos? What am I doing right now?”

I should… It was all her. It was all mostly her on top.

What do you call that position, by the way, dude?

[audience] Cowgirl. Cowgirl. Yes. Isn’t that fun?

[audience cheers] I… No.

I love that. I just love the title.

It describes what’s happening so well. I get it. I’m the horse.

But if it’s guy on top, it’s missionary.

[gruffly] “Have you heard the word of Jesus, girl?” Why?

Disgusting.

Why can’t we have cowboy? It’s right next to it.

I’d love cowboy. I’d have fun with it. I’d be up there like, “Whoa, girl,” you know what I mean?

She would hate it, though. My wife, she’d be like… [blowing raspberries]

You know? [chuckles]

[audience laughs]

Like a horse.

I hated seeing that back hair, dude.

Hey, where are my back hair boys? [imitates gorilla]

Dakota? My boy.

My baby boy.

We’re so similar, Dakota.

[audience laughs] [Jeff laughs]

Do you shave it? Does your wife shave it? What happens?

I do it. You shave it? What about the… the middle?

Do you have, like, a patch in the center you can’t reach?

You got a long reacher. Good for you, dude. I stopped shaving.

Let me ask you this, Dakota. You ever shave down here?

[Dakota] Yeah. Yeah? Shave, shave?

Dude, I did it once. I’ll never do it again.

I swear to… Dude, I was like 20… I’m gonna stop making eye contact.

When I was like…

[audience laughs]

…25. I was dating this girl.

I was dating this beautiful girl. Or… She was fine.

[audience laughs] [laughs]

My wife’s here. [stammers]

Anyways, I was dating this girl. She… Real hog of a lady.

[audience laughs] [laughs]

I… I was dating this real oinker a few years back.

[laughs]

She had a lot of pubic hair, which is fine, but I was dumb and young, I was like, “I don’t like that. I should tell her.”

I didn’t know how to tell her, so I Googled, “How do I tell my girlfriend I don’t like her pubic hair?”

And Google came back with, “Don’t fucking do that.”

[audience laughs]

So I didn’t.

Instead, I just shaved all mine off because I thought, “Be the change.”

But here’s the problem, Dakota.

I don’t know if you came across the same problem, but I got hairy legs.

I didn’t know how to fade out.

[audience laughs]

Do you know what I mean? I didn’t know how to blend.

I… I created this crop circle. I couldn’t escape.

So I just kept pushing the farm further down until I got to my knees, and I was like, “You fucked up, dude.”

It looked ridiculous.

I didn’t even do the back, so I had, like, a seam line up the side.

[chuckles]

It was nasty, dude. But I don’t wanna talk about that.

I don’t know why he brought it up. Please be quiet.

[audience laughs] [chuckles]

Dude, she sent me these clips, and then she goes, “Oh, by the way,” sends me another clip, and goes, “By the way, volume up.” And I said, “Never.”

I do not want to hear what I say during sex, dude.

I’m aware of it now because of this video.

I hate it so much. I think it’s gross when you have sex, you all got to have a different voice. You notice that?

Every one of you, when you get intimate, a little goblin comes out.

[imitates goblin noise, chuckles]

[audience laughs]

[imitates goblin noise]

It’s so gross. And if you disagree, you’re the psychopath.

If you’re having sex in your Trader Joe’s voice, just like, “How you doing?” Like, no.

But she sent me this clip. It’s her on top, killing it, okay?

This is 100% true. We’re gonna show you the video after. I’ll have I drop down.

It’s her on top, killing it. It’s me underneath, okay?

And then she says something sexy.

She goes, “Give it to me,” all sexy-like.

[inhales] And I reply with, “Well, here it is.”

[audience laughs]

Almost every night, I think about it. Dude, my hand’s curled into my chest.

“If you want it, you got to come get it.”

[laughs] Mm-mm-mm.

Dude… [stammers]

That’s why I don’t talk during sex, is that one moment.

Now when she talks during sex, I just reply and end it.

She’ll be like, “Do you like that?” And I go, “Yes, thank you.”

[audience laughs]

But I… Dude, I love her so much.

She’s made me such a better person. I cannot even tell you guys.

[audience applauds and cheers]

I swear to God.

I don’t know where I’d be without her. To be honest with you, I’ve…

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life.

I’m gonna tell you guys this story, uh, because it’s a true story, it’s a fun story, um, just to show you how stupid I used to be without my wife.

And I told this story in a podcast, and they took it down within 24 hours.

What happened was illegal.

I talked to a lawyer and said, “I wanna go on tour with this story.”

He said, “That’s fine. Just emphasize that you’re joking before you start the story.”

So this is a true story, but I’m just joking around.

[audience laughs] [laughs]

I paid for a hand job a few years ago.

[laughs] Here we go.

[audience laughs]

I was working the road about six years ago, and I hurt my back on stage doing something dumb.

I go outside, and in the shopping plaza is a 24-hour massage parlor.

[chuckles] I’m not gonna look at him. Nobody look.

But I love… I just saw a guy laugh, and then realize he shouldn’t know why that’s funny yet.

It was this. I saw him go, “Ha! Um…”

[audience laughs]

I didn’t know that’s what happens there at all. I was so naive.

I went in with my underwear on, towel wrapped around me.

I laid face down on the bed.

The lady comes in, rips the towel off, and then slaps my ass, and I’m like, “That’s unprofessional.”

But not like, “And I’m out of here,” you know?

As a guy, I was like, “What the heck was that?”

Then she slapped the elastic on my underwear, and goes, “Take these off.” So I did. I took the undies off.

It just felt more comfortable. I only regret how I did it.

I wish I would have gotten off the table, but instead, face down like a caterpillar.

I apexed my ass into the air.

I threw my pussy to the moon.

And then she started laughing, which is disheartening.

And she goes, “Are you a little funny?”

I didn’t know she meant…

She meant gay. I didn’t know that.

I’m a comedian. I got genuinely excited.

Popped my face out of the hole to be like, “I’m pretty funny.”

[audience roars with laughter]

Then she turns me over. I’m now on my back.

She grabs my ding-dong, dude. She just grabs it.

Looks at me, looks at my wiener, then just goes, “40?”

With a question mark.

No, I don’t know. You guys may know. He definitely knows.

What she was saying was $40, and I’ll…

[clicks tongue]

I didn’t know that. I swear to God on my life.

The way she was bouncing it and shit, I thought she was trying to, like, guess my age.

[audience laughs]

Like a carnival trick. Like, “What is this?”

That’s about 40 years old, right? That’s about 40.

Right? That’s about 40 years old.

So I snap back and go, “32.”

[audience laughs]

And then she goes, “All right.”

[audience laughs]

Yeah, and then I had to give her $32.

I got a 20% discount on a handjob, dude.

I… I felt like…

You guys clapped. I felt like shit.

Not even for the handjob, just for haggling for it.

This poor girl in this room day in and day out, probably when I left, was just like, “Well.”

“That’s how they get you, I guess. I don’t know.”

You guys have been so amazing.

[quirky music plays]

I love you so much, Phoenix.

[audience cheers and applauds]

[inaudible]

[inaudible]

And there’s one more person that wants to say thank you, my beautiful, beautiful wife, Katie Thurston, everybody.

[audience screams]

Dude.

Isn’t this crazy?

Yeah.

Any questions for her too?

Katie, what’s the gayest thing you’ve ever done?

You. [laughs]

[audience roars in laughter]

[Jeff laughs]

[music ends]