COMEDY

ISMO: Hello (2026) – Transcript

July 7, 2026

ISMO: Hello is the debut full-length English stand-up comedy special from acclaimed Finnish comedian Ismo Leikola, released globally in January 2026.

ISMO: Hello is the debut full-length English stand-up comedy special from acclaimed Finnish comedian Ismo Leikola, released globally in January 2026.

The special is a milestone for Ismo, who has been widely recognized as the ultimate comedic voice for second-language English speakers. It is available for streaming for free on the official ISMO YouTube Channel and through the comedy network 800 Pound Gorilla Media.

The special was directed by comedy legend and close friend Gabriel “Fluffy” Iglesias. It was recorded at Ismo’s favorite intimate venue, the Comedy & Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, California, capturing a high-energy club atmosphere.

The hour-long special delivers Ismo’s signature razor-sharp, analytical “outsider” logic, where he turns the English language and quirky American cultural habits completely inside out.

* * *

Transcript

Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.

Well, uh, hello. Good evening.

Um, yes, my name is Ismo, and I am from Finland. Woohoo! Yay.

[cheering]

Woohoo. And, uh, finally shooting a comedy special. Yay.

[cheering]

Woohoo!

And, uh, this will be in, uh, English. If somebody was worried, it’s all in English, even though English is not my first language. If you haven’t figured it out yet… Uh, I grew up speaking Finnish. It’s very, very common in Finland.

And, uh, I did learn English back then. I learned English. They teach English there. But when I moved here, I learned that it’s not the same English that you have. The English here, it’s different.

I think the biggest difference is there’s so many of these things here in America. It’s, um, when you shorten a thing down to just a few letters, I think it’s called an acronym. Like, there’s so many of those, like FBI, YMCA…

[laughter]

…KFC… Like, so many of those. And I’ve noticed that people here seem to assume that every single person knows the meaning of every single one of these acronyms, even people who moved here like four hours ago.

[laughter]

From day one I moved here, people just say to me things like, “Yeah, I’m going through TSA at JFK.”

[laughter]

“You want a PBJ? I have a PhD, and I take CBD for my ADD.”

[laughter]

And, uh, I’m like, “What the hell are you saying? What is this? Is this English?”

I thought I knew this language, cuz they teach English in school in Finland, but they mostly teach words. Remember those?

[laughter]

I know so many words, but not these things, because even official papers here assume that you know these things.

I move here. I had to fill out a form. First line on that form: D.O.B.

[laughter]

No explanation. Just D.O.B., empty space. Now I know it’s date of birth, but back then I was like, “This could be anything!”

[laughter]

“Dead on the beach.” No.

Then I did my first, uh, first show at a comedy club in America, and the club said, “Hey, you have to fill out a W-9.”

[laughter]

And I was like, “What the fuck is that?”

And he said, “It’s a form for the IRS.”

[laughter]

“Well, what the fuck is that?”

And then he said, “You shouldn’t say that. Don’t say that. You should, um, you should say WTF.”

And I was like, “What the fuck is that?”

[laughter]

Cuz back home in Finland, we just don’t use these acronyms, actually, that much. Like, now we have a little bit more, but when I was growing up there, we had two. We had only two: UFO, HIV…

[laughter]

Only two. And I don’t think we even realized that they were shortened from something. Like, we didn’t pronounce them like U-F-O. We just said UFO. And we still say it like that. We still do. It’s faster.

But here, it’s everywhere, and people assume that.

Turns out, even in Canada… I went to Vancouver, Canada, first time ever. Immediately when I arrived there, people asked me, “Hey, have you ever before done a show in BC?”

[laughter]

And I was like, “You mean more than 2,000 years ago?”

[laughter]

“Um, I don’t think so. No. Uh, I was so young…”

[laughter]

“…but busy.”

That means British Columbia in Canada. It’s a province. I didn’t know that.

Also, first ever time I went to Michigan, I went to Detroit, Michigan. Never been to Michigan. And immediately when I got there, people were like, “Hey, have you been to UP? You have to go to UP. UP.”

And now I know it means Upper Peninsula…

[laughter]

…of Michigan. I know that now. But how the fuck could I have known that back then? Like, how did you not know that? Nobody in Finland. Zero people know that. Nobody would know that.

But they just assumed. They were like, “UP, UP.” I was like, “Yeah, and I also poo.”

[laughter]

I think it can even be dangerous to assume that everybody knows all these acronyms. Like, this one guy was yelling. He was yelling like, “Help! I need CPR!”

[laughter]

Well, I have no idea what that means, so he didn’t make it.

[laughter]

So, it’s dangerous.

But don’t worry. Don’t worry. I am determined to learn all the acronyms. I have to, because I live here. I live in the land of acronyms. This is the land of acronyms. Even the name of this country…

[laughter]

That’s the first hint.

[laughter]

There will be more. It’s even the name: USA. That’s… I’ve actually noticed most people in the USA almost never say USA. Most times you say US. It’s just us. Like, who has time to say the A? Even the acronym was too long for you.

[laughter]

But, um, I am learning. I am learning. That’s actually… I learned many of them now. Like, just yesterday I had a WH. You know that? No. Now you know how I fucking feel.

[laughter]

I made it up. That’s how I feel every day here.

[laughter]

But I’m learning, and I figured the best way to remember all these acronyms is a little song. So, I made this little song.

[clears throat]

Uh, it’s the acronym song. I, uh, I took the melody from another song. You might recognize it. It’s a song that has lots of letters in it. It’s the alphabet song, okay?

[laughter]

But I modified it. Okay.

A, B, C, NBC, HBO, MTV, PTSD from DMV.

[laughter]

DUI with SUV, IBS, OCD, FYI, STD.

[cheering]

[applause]

Thank you. Thank you. You didn’t expect there would be also music tonight.

[laughter]

I’ve seen foods here that I have never seen before. Recently, I saw this in the grocery store. It was a meatless sausage. And I was like, “Can this be? It’s a meatless sausage. Sausage. No meat. This is interesting. I want to buy this.”

So I bought it, and I ate it. I ate the whole thing, and it was not bad. It’s okay. It’s pretty good.

But the following day…

[laughter]

The following day, I made a shitless turd.

[laughter]

And that was even more mysterious. It’s a big turd. No shit in it.

[laughter]

It was an impossible turd. Beyond shit…

[laughter]

That’s also communicating here. So many misunderstandings in the beginning. Like, it’s so hard. I had just moved here, just moved here, and I was in a hurry to get to the airport.

And I asked this guy, “How far is the airport?”

And before he answered me, he said, “Well, I’m not going to lie.”

And I said, “That’s nice.”

[laughter]

I was hoping for that.

[laughter]

I am so glad you are not going to lie.

[laughter]

Why would you lie?

[laughter]

Why are you even considering lying?

[laughter]

If you would lie, I would miss my flight.

[laughter]

I thought that is the strangest thing to say to somebody before answering their question. Like, “I’m not going to lie.” But I had just moved here, so I figured that, okay, maybe that’s something you’re supposed to do.

Whenever someone asks you something, before you answer them, you should first let them know…

[laughter]

…whether or not you’re going to lie.

[laughter]

Okay. So then, later on, someone asked me, “Hey, how do I look?”

[laughter]

And, uh, I said, “I am going to lie.”

[laughter]

“I’m going to lie big time. You look all right.”

Oh, this is also… I just moved here. Someone told me this. We have this thing. We say, “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”

And when I heard that, I was a bit concerned.

[laughter]

But luckily, it turned out that also in here, you can just buy milk.

[laughter]

Like, I was worried. Like, I like milk, but the only two ways to get it are to get it for free or own a cow. Super inconvenient. I have no place for a cow.

[laughter]

Can you lease a cow?

But, of course, that was not about milk, which is good. Turns out that expression is a metaphor. It’s a metaphor. It’s about relationship stuff. It’s about settling down instead of, you know, not doing that.

So, okay. That’s very nice. That’s nice. So the metaphor here for falling in love, starting a family, settling down, is buying a cow. How beautiful. I want to put that in a wedding invitation.

[laughter]

Like, “Save the date. I’m buying a cow.”

And then at the wedding, the priest will ask, “Do you want to buy this cow?”

“I do. Yeah.”

That’s not the most beautiful metaphor.

Oh, and, um, of marriage… speaking of marriage, somebody said this about…

[laughter]

Someone said, “I don’t believe in sex before marriage.”

[laughter]

I think that’s a funny thing to say.

[laughter]

Like, I believe in it.

[laughter]

I have seen it.

[laughter]

It’s happening. It’s not a matter of belief. It’s a fact. It’s going on as we speak.

It is, uh… I have seen it with my own eyes. I felt it with my own dick. It’s a cold, hard fact. It’s true.

I have way more trouble believing in sex during marriage.

[laughter]

That requires more faith.

[laughter]

I really like being in America. I really like this. And I think my favorite thing about America is the positivity. Americans are so, like, “Woohoo!”

[laughter]

People can say things like, “I’m super excited.”

Okay. Well, I think I’ve never been.

[laughter]

I’m sure I’ve been regular excited sometimes, but super? No.

I booked an appointment to a dentist, and the dentist office sent me an email: “We are beyond excited…”

[laughter]

“…that you are coming to see the dentist.”

[laughter]

So I canceled. Uh, I don’t want that. I don’t want… Like, I don’t know about you, but I want my dentist to be calm.

[laughter]

I don’t want a dentist who’s drilling like… I don’t even know what there is beyond excitement, but it’s not good if you have a drill.

No, it’s just a lot. I love it. Americans are upbeat. Upbeat. In Finland, we’re just beat.

[laughter]

I think this is a good example of how positive people here can be. Like, if somebody is sick, they have the flu, they can’t get out of bed, they’re really sick, they can say this. They can say, “I’m not feeling 100%.”

[laughter]

Okay. Uh, I would estimate that, uh, not even close.

[laughter]

Like, you’re barely alive. I think you’re feeling like one and a half percent. Why are you even mentioning 100 at this point?

Like, 100? That’s a lot. That’s a lot. That’s everything. It’s all the percentages.

[laughter]

It’s too much. It’s too much.

I really thought about this, and I can say that in my whole entire life, I have never felt 100%.

[applause and cheering]

Never.

[applause]

It’s too much. My personal record is 85.

[laughter]

And that was a nice day.

[laughter]

And I’m fine. I’m fine, but 100 is way too much. They always say something. Always.

But, like, I think I’m mostly pretty healthy. I think the one thing I have, the one thing I’ve kind of always had, is sleep. I suck at sleeping. Like, it’s very hard for me to fall asleep, stay asleep. I’m bad at sleeping. And it especially kind of sucks because I travel all the time. Every weekend, I’m somewhere, and I have never in my life slept on an airplane.

Can’t sleep on a plane. Okay. I don’t know how people do it. I don’t understand. How can you sleep on a plane? Like, how is that? You’re there, strangers walking past you…

[laughter]

…and you’re sleeping! I don’t get that. It’s moving and wobbly and noisy.

I want absolute quiet. Like, to be super quiet, super dark. Hotel rooms, I can sleep in hotel rooms. I’m always in hotels. But I want the room to be dark. I put pillows against the curtains to cover the gaps, and I put the hanger with the clips there, and I hang my pants over the TV to cover the red dot.

Fuck that red dot!

[laughter]

That’s the stupidest idea. We don’t need it. We know where the TV is. It’s not necessary. It’s not for the remote. You can try. Bash the dot. It still works. It’s fine. It’s not for remote. It’s just to piss people off.

No, I don’t want to sleep with the eye of the Terminator staring at me.

[laughter]

So stupid. I want a dark room, but the TV has the light, and then the alarm clock, huge glaring numbers. I have to turn it on its face. And there’s the air conditioning. There’s a light. And the smoke detector, flashing. All lights flashing.

I thought I’m in a dark room, and I wake up in the middle of the night. I’m in Las Vegas.

[laughter]

It’s horrible. I want zero photons on my eye. No light.

And this is the thing. This is the thing I don’t get about American beds. Like, when there’s a huge bed, king-size bed, bed for two people: one blanket.

[laughter]

Why? You will have to share a blanket. So then, when the other person turns, you wake up.

[laughter]

Every single… If you turn under the same blanket I’m under, I’m going to wake up every single time. If you move a blanket I’m touching, I’m going to wake up. Like, why would you do that? That’s horrible.

I think you can afford two blankets.

[laughter]

It’s so stupid. Like, I can tell you, in Finland, every single bed that has… bed for two people, bed for two people, two separate blankets. Two blankets. Always two blankets.

[applause]

Always two blankets. And you can still fuck. Still on the table. It doesn’t prevent that. If you want to do it, you can do it. It’s okay. And after you’re done, you sleep way better.

[laughter]

Oh, that’s so crazy. When I moved here, that was so weird. But then, of course, I went to the store. I got two blankets, so I have two blankets in my home.

But then, when I’m in a hotel, always just one blanket. And if I’m with somebody, then I have… I call the reception, like, “Hey, I need another blanket. Can you send me an extra blanket?”

And, uh, then they send me one. But they never send me the nice one, the duvet, the comforter, the thing that’s there. No, they don’t send me that. They send me the blanket that Columbus brought here.

[laughter]

The shitty gray…

[laughter]

…sad, worn-out blanket.

“Oh, that’s for her. Oh.”

[laughter]

But, um, I like the sleep thing. It’s annoying, but I can manage. It’s fine. I travel, but I just avoid the red-eye flights. I never take red-eye flights. I think even the name…

[laughter]

…sounds unhealthy. Like, why would they call it that? That’s not good marketing. Your eyes. Your eyes are not supposed to be red. Why would you sell something like, “Yeah, I’m going to take the red-eye flight, and then I’ll take the constipation bus, and then the itchy crotch Uber.”

[laughter]

Why would you name it? That’s stupid.

But I’m fine. Actually, I have to say, the most annoying part about having trouble with sleeping is not the actual trouble. That’s not the worst part. The worst part is talking about it with other people. The conversation, that’s the worst, the most annoying part.

Any other medical condition, I’ve noticed, if you share, if you tell people about it, you get sympathy, you get empathy. You get things like, “Oh, get better soon.” Or, “Ooh, I also have hemorrhoids.”

[laughter]

Things like that. But with sleep, no.

For some reason, for some reason, people who sleep really well seem to believe that people who cannot sleep well would like to hear how well they sleep.

[laughter]

But no, we don’t want to hear that. No, we don’t. Never. I’ve heard it a million times.

I say to somebody, “Oh, sucks. I can’t sleep on flights.”

And he’s like, “Really?”

[laughter]

“Well, me, I can.”

Well, fuck you. Like, why would you say that? That’s so mean. Just rub it in my face. Why would you just start bragging how well you do something I can’t do?

[laughter]

They just continue. They just won’t shut up. They say, “Yeah, I always sleep on flights. I always… Yeah, it’s so great. So nice. It’s so convenient. You know, the time passes so fast, and you wake up refreshed…”

[laughter]

“…at your destination. It’s awesome.”

You would never get that response with any other thing ever. You would never get that with anything. Like, “Oh, I have a weight problem.”

“Oh, well, me, I do not.”

[laughter]

“No, I am skinny. It’s great. So nice. It’s very convenient. You know, there’s a tiny, small crack. I can fit. I can tell.”

[laughter]

Nobody would do that.

Like, “Oh, I have schizophrenia.”

“Oh, me? None.”

[laughter]

“Nothing.”

[laughter]

“No voices. Just so mentally healthy up here. It’s great. It’s very convenient, you know, to not have that.”

Or like, “Oh, recently I lost my leg.”

“Oh, well, me. Look, look. One, two, hey.”

[laughter]

“Oh, so nice. So good. You won’t believe how convenient. You know, staircase is fucking easy.”

[laughter]

Nobody would ever do that. But we have to listen to stories about people sleeping so well.

And they even exaggerate, for some reason. They want to exaggerate how well they sleep. I’ve heard this so many times. I say, “I can’t sleep on flights,” and the guy’s like, “Well, me, I can sleep anywhere.”

[laughter]

Well, that is a complete lie. Why would you say that? That’s bullshit. Next time somebody says they can sleep anywhere, I’m going to be like, “Okay, let’s do an experiment.”

[laughter]

“How about the railroad tracks?”

[laughter]

“Face down, hands tied behind your back, with a baseball bat in your asshole.”

[laughter]

“I can’t hear snoring.”

[laughter]

“Liar.”

That is an annoying conversation I’ve had so many times.

But, um, that’s actually the thing. I’ve noticed that in America, if somebody gets really angry at somebody else, if they have an argument and the other person really wants to piss the other one off, if they really want to insult the other person, I’ve heard that the thing, if they really want to piss somebody off, they can suddenly start saying something bad about the other person’s mother.

[laughter]

Like, suddenly, just out of the blue, in the middle of the argument. Nothing bad about the guy, but his mother. Like, suddenly, “Oh, your mother…” Like, you’re okay, but your mother…

[laughter]

And then people get even more angry, like, “No, not her!”

[laughter]

Cuz it’s weird. We don’t really do that in Finland in arguments. I haven’t heard that. Like, if somebody would suddenly say to a Finnish person, “Oh, your mother is a fat bitch.”

[laughter]

I think we’d be like, “So, where do you know her from?”

[laughter]

“I had no idea there’s a connection here.”

[laughter]

They do. One guy, he shouted at me, like, “Hey, your mother is a whore.”

And I was like, “No, actually, she’s a pharmacist.”

And the guy’s like, “No, she’s a whore.”

“Well, I think you’re just guessing.”

[laughter]

And that’s not easy. It’s very difficult. It’s very hard to suddenly guess somebody’s mother’s occupation…

[laughter]

…with no clues, no hints, just… Okay, my turn.

[laughter]

“Uh, your mother is a crane operator.”

[laughter]

And the worst, the worst insult, the worst insult in America… You really want to piss somebody off, really make them mad, the worst thing you can say is, “I fucked your mom.”

[laughter]

And then people, they get furious. They’re like, “No!”

[laughter]

“When?”

[laughter]

It’s just so weird to me. I’ve never heard that said in an argument in Finland. It’s like, if somebody would say to a Finnish person suddenly, “I fucked your mom,” I think we’d be like, “Well, that’s awesome. She has been very lonely.”

[laughter]

“This is exciting news. And look at you. You’re a handsome young fella. She’s much older. Oh, you really took one for the team. Mm-m.”

[laughter]

“I have to text her right now and congratulate her. Oh, hey, Mom. You never guess who I ran into.”

[laughter]

“Hey, let’s take a selfie. Let’s take… Hey, can I call you Dad?”

I have been married for a long time. I have been married 13 years. But I’m, uh, I’m not anymore.

[laughter]

Thank you, everybody who clapped too early. Thanks.

[laughter]

And who clapped on time, thank you. But maybe it was a trap. Sorry.

[laughter]

But yeah, we did break up. We broke up. We broke up a while ago. And, um, it actually is not bad. Like, it’s the nicest divorce ever. My ex is still my good friend. We just decided to get a divorce, and then we got it. We didn’t even argue.

So it was actually a nice experience. I would recommend it to everybody.

[laughter]

It was not bad. It was actually surprisingly good. Really good.

But many things are now different because I’m not married anymore. Many things are different now. Now, if somebody asks me, “Ismo, where is your better half?” I say, “From waist down.”

[laughter]

“You want an appointment?”

[laughter]

And it’s exciting to be single again, but it has been a long time. I was with my ex 13 years. It’s a long… Like, I haven’t been single in 13. I haven’t bought a condom in 13 years. But now I bought one. I’m wearing it at the moment. I’m all ready to go.

[laughter]

And it’s actually more comfortable than I remember. It’s all right.

[laughter]

And it’s very convenient because during the show, I drink so much water. Like, don’t have to worry about that.

[laughter]

I think it’s half full.

[laughter]

But yeah, it’s exciting to be single. But also, um, it’s not easy to go back to dating and back in the game after a long time. Like, it can be scary to talk to ladies. It can be scary if they don’t like you. They can be mean.

[laughter]

They can say mean things. They can say things like, “I wouldn’t touch him with a 10-foot pole.” Like, is that really necessary?

[laughter]

Why would you say that? Like, does that even make any sense? Like, have you ever said about a guy, “Okay, that guy, I would like to touch him with a 10-foot pole”?

[laughter]

“Hang on, I’ll go get my pole.”

[laughter]

“Oh, this is nice.”

[laughter]

That makes no sense. I think if somebody would say that to me, “I wouldn’t touch you with a 10-foot pole,” I think I’d be like, “Can you please convert that to metric?”

I have another option also. If somebody would say that to me, “I wouldn’t touch you with a 10-foot pole,” I think I would say, “Well, I would like to touch you with my six-inch pole.”

[laughter]

“Let’s see who gets their way.”

[laughter]

I don’t know if my pole is… I have no idea. I think in centimeters. So I have, like, my pole is metric.

[laughter]

My pole is metric.

And, um, I have learned to date again. I’ve actually found out there’s some secret code language when it comes to dating. The secret codes in dating. I’ve learned this.

If a lady says, if she says, “I am an old-fashioned girl,” it’s a code.

[laughter]

It means you pay everything.

[laughter]

That’s the meaning. That’s the meaning. But I didn’t know. I had no idea that is the meaning.

First time somebody said that to me, said like, “Oh, I’m an old-fashioned girl,” I was like, “Oh, okay. So, uh, you don’t shave?”

[laughter]

“Or you like to do laundry?”

[laughter]

“Or you can’t vote?”

[laughter]

Like, there’s so many old-fashioned things. So many. And most of them are horrible. But, uh, the one thing about paying for dinner, that’s the one they picked.

[laughter]

And I get it. I would have picked that too.

[laughter]

I think it’s the best one. It’s the best one.

And I was dating this one lady for a while. Was going out with her, and I was paying for everything. I was just paying all, and she assumed. She didn’t even offer. She didn’t even do the thing where she was, like, slowly reaching for her purse, waiting for me to stop her. She didn’t even do that. She was just assuming I pay everything.

And I did. And then at some point, I just confronted… I just asked, “Like, why the fuck am I paying? Why am I… I know you have money. You have lots of money. Why am I freaking paying?”

And then she said, “Well, it feels right.”

[laughter]

Well, I’m sure for you…

[laughter]

…must feel great.

And she was like, “No, you don’t understand. It feels right because, traditionally, it’s the man’s role to be the provider. So when you’re providing, it feels right. You’re fulfilling the role. So it feels good in my body.”

[laughter]

Well, okay. Okay. So that’s the man’s role. Well, okay. Well, what is the woman’s role?

And she was like, “Well…”

[laughter]

“You know, like, uh, be supportive, be nice, and make sure the man is happy and satisfied. You know, sex is a part of the role. It’s a part of the role, too, you know.”

Ah, okay. Well, then it’s not bad. I guess we can keep role-playing.

[laughter]

And then we went back to my place, and I suggested that we would have a little bit of, uh, sex. And she was like, “Well, no, I’m too tired today. But maybe tomorrow, if I’m in the mood. Maybe tomorrow.”

Well, I thought it was part of the role. But it’s all good. No pressure. It’s all good.

And then, the following day, we went to eat in a restaurant. And when the check came, I said, “I would love to pay, but…”

[snorts]

“…I have a headache.”

[applause]

“It’s like, oh, I was just going to swipe the…”

[laughter]

“But maybe tomorrow, if I’m in the mood for paying for food.”

I think I cracked the code.

But I, um… I actually learned to like this, the role thing. The man… Like, I kind of learned to like it, the gentleman. And I really want to be a gentleman. Like, I had to learn it, but now I like it. Like, the chivalry. I think chivalry, that’s the word. Chivalry.

I really had to learn it because, in Finland, we don’t have chivalry. We have the opposite of chivalry: equality.

[laughter]

I don’t know what it’s called. I don’t know what it’s called, but whatever it’s called, the thing where you don’t always pay for shit…

[laughter]

We have that over there.

And also, we have had a woman president, a woman prime minister. So, that’s also nice.

[applause]

And then after you have that, if you have the woman prime minister, president, then you don’t have to do chivalry anymore.

[laughter]

You don’t have to pay for… You don’t have to open doors. Nothing. You don’t. And I want to spread the message in here. I always, like, I just yell out, “Finland!” and I let the door slam in her face.

No, I don’t. No, actually, I like the mantra. I actually learned to like it. I like being a gentleman. I like to be chivalrous. I had to learn it, but I like it.

And recently, I had a dilemma because I want to be a gentleman. I had this… I was in this tiny, small restaurant. There was just one bathroom for everybody. One for everybody. So I was in the line to go to the bathroom, and I realized that, hey, there’s a lady behind me in the line. Oh, I guess I should be a gentleman. I should let her go first. Ladies first.

And then I thought that, no…

[laughter]

It’s the toilet. Like, I have to go. I have to go. And she’s going to take way longer than me, so fuck no.

So I went first, but I had the debate. I had the dilemma, and I felt a little guilty. And then I was inside the bathroom, and I had another dilemma. I realized that, hey, there’s a lady coming after me. So, should I be a gentleman? Should I leave the toilet seat down? I think she would like that. That’s what women always complain, that it’s not down.

So I want to leave it down. I’m going to be… And I almost did it. And then I realized, if I do that, she will think I took a shit.

[laughter]

I don’t want her to think that.

[laughter]

So after I really considered the situation, I thought it through. I made sure I left the toilet seat up, even though I did take a shit, but she will never know.

Oh, yeah. Hey, actually, um, if you don’t already follow my social media, it’s Ismo Comedy. I-S-M-O Comedy. You can find me on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, YouTube, and, uh, Tinder. And Bumble and Hinge also.

Okay. I did join dating apps, cuz now I’m single. Been single for a while. I recently joined those dating apps. I’ve never been on them before. Lots to learn in them.

Like, the dating… You know when you go to the app, and there’s the lady, there’s the picture, and then there’s the… what’s it? The ingredients? No. No, the bio. Bio, yes. That’s not the ingredients.

“May contain silicone. No traces of Botox.”

No, no, no, no. The bio, the profile. Because even in those bios, even there people use acronyms. Acronyms I didn’t know. I had no idea. I had to Google them. There’s so many dating acronyms in those. There’s things like ONS, DTF, FWB, like things.

And then, okay, I thought I have to put acronyms in my profile too, if that’s the modern thing. I want to be cool. So I put the two acronyms I remember from childhood: UFO, HIV.

[laughter]

No, no, I didn’t put those. No, I put IHOP and HVAC for no reason.

[laughter]

But no, I did have to Google all the acronyms. I didn’t know any of those dating acronyms. So, acronyms, I didn’t know them.

Like, there’s ONS. That means one-night stand. I didn’t know they have an acronym for that. Then there’s DTF. I forgot what that was. Can anybody help?

[laughter]

Down to fuck. Okay, daddy’s down to fuck.

[crying]

I didn’t know you have to go down.

[laughter]

Can I be up to fuck?

And then there’s the… what’s the FWB? And that means friends with benefits. And then I Googled what that means, and it’s great. It’s great. Who knew? It’s like a friend, but you can also fuck them!

[laughter]

That’s the best invention since fire. If I would have known about that, if I would have known about that, I don’t think I would have bought the cow.

[laughter]

Friends with benefits. That’s so good.

I also have, you know, like friends. I have friends, like normal friends, like regular friends. I have those, too. But now I have to say, they are not as good.

[laughter]

Not even close. Like, I’ve started to call them friends with no benefits.

[laughter]

I have a couple I call friends with liabilities.

[laughter]

But that is the thing.

And, um, yeah. Hey, I think I have to address one thing because people ask me so much about my name. It’s Ismo. It’s I-S-M-O. It’s Ismo. And it’s my actual first name. It’s my name: Ismo. I-S-M-O.

I have a last name also…

[laughter]

…but I realized that I don’t need it. Like, I need it in Finland, where there are other Ismos.

[laughter]

I need it there. But in here, I think I’m the only one.

[laughter]

I might be the only Ismo in America. Like, I don’t know.

[applause]

Yeah. I’ve never met an Ismo in America. I don’t know. If you meet one, kill him.

No. No. No. Don’t do that.

[laughter]

But it is my actual first name. It’s my given name. I have to say this also: it’s not an acronym.

[laughter]

Because people have asked that many times. “No, I-S-M-O. What is it short for?”

“Ismo.”

“Well, I don’t know. I suck my own.”

[laughter]

Or it could be, “I shit myself occasionally.”

[laughter]

One of those is true.

[laughter]

I’m not going to tell which one.

The most difficult thing for me moving here has definitely been the language, dealing with the language. And I really thought I spoke English way better before I moved here. Like, I thought I speak English pretty well, but then I moved here. Turns out, no.

Like, there’s words that I thought I knew that I didn’t know. Like, the word that turned out to be the most complicated word here was a word I thought is, like, the easiest word: the word shit.

Everybody knows what shit means. It’s very simple. But it turns out it’s the hardest word. When I moved here, I learned I didn’t know shit.

[laughter]

I didn’t know shit about shit.

Like, okay, if something is bad, you say it’s shit. And that makes sense. We have that, too, back home. Shit means bad. That makes total sense. shit means bad.

But in here, if something is really good, it’s the shit.

[laughter]

It’s like bad becomes good if you add “the.” How?

And if I give shit, if I give shit to you, it means I’m being mean. I’m telling you off. I give shit. But if I give a shit, then I care.

[laughter]

I care about you. I give a shit.

[laughter]

And even mathematics, mathematics stopped working with shit. If somebody doesn’t give a shit and somebody else doesn’t give two shits…

[laughter]

…they are doing exactly the same thing. And somebody doesn’t give half a shit. It’s still the same thing. And nobody has not given three or more shits. So forget about math.

Also, the ownership of shit: very important. Who owns it? If it’s my shit, it’s good. It’s always good, important, my shit. But everybody else’s shit is bad.

“I can’t deal with her shit anymore.”

“I have to put up with his shit every day.”

And, “Clean up your shit right now.”

[laughter]

But don’t touch my shit. Don’t touch my shit. My shit is important. Don’t touch my shit. Myshit is the most important thing we have. We have to protect. We have to… We have to keep our shit together.

[laughter]

Don’t touch. If you touch my shit, I’m going to lose my shit.

And if someone says, “and shit,” “and shit,” that means nothing. It’s just empty. It’s nothing.

If somebody’s like, “Well, I like to travel and shit…”

[laughter]

You have to realize that she only likes to travel.

[laughter]

That’s it.

Or if somebody’s like, “Hey, can you bring some chicken wings and onion rings and shit?”

[laughter]

Means nothing. I am not going to make that mistake again.

[laughter]

I wrote it down.

[snorts]

Then you should always have the correct amount of shit in you. The correct amount. Because if you have too much, you can be full of shit.

[laughter]

And that’s not good. Then you’re a liar. Full. That’s not good.

But if you have too little, then you can be shitless.

[laughter]

And then you’re scared…

[laughter]

…cuz somebody scared the shit out of you.

And for some reason, it’s worse if it’s alive. Like, “Oh. Oh, you scared the shit out of me. Wait, let me check. It’s alive. You scared the living shit out of me.”

[laughter]

Even…

[laughter]

And if somebody gets in big trouble, they can say, “Oh, no, we are in deep.” Deep shit. Yeah, people say that: deep shit. But nobody ever says, “Don’t worry, we’re only in shallow shit.”

I think we should start using that. I think that’s good. Like, “How are you?”

“Ah, shallow shit.”

[laughter]

So, it’s always deep. There’s no levels. It’s always deep. It’s always deep.

The only levels of shit I found are when you’re talking about how deep shit has penetrated into a person. Because if they are shitfaced…

[laughter]

…it means that they’re drunk. So it’s going to wear off in a day or two.

But if the shit goes deeper, and they are a shithead…

[laughter]

…the condition is a little bit more permanent.

[laughter]

But you can still maybe do something. If you really try, you can stop being a shit. It’s possible.

But if it goes even deeper and you have shit for brains…

[laughter]

…it’s over. There’s nothing you can do. It’s all the way to the core. So that’s, um…

[laughter]

And if somebody says, “I have shit to do,” you have no idea what they’re going to do.

[laughter]

The options are endless. Shit to do can be taxes or cocaine, anything…

[laughter]

…except one thing. One thing it never refers to. And that one thing, ironically…

[laughter]

Nobody says, “I have shit to do,” when they’re going to the bathroom.

[laughter]

Nobody. Except me.

[laughter]

I love to say, like, “Hey, I have to go. I have shit to do.”

[laughter]

“What? What are you going to do?”

“I have already told you.”

[laughter]

“No, no, no. I mean, what type of shit are you going to do?”

“Solid, I hope.”

[laughter]

And also, it’s very important to know which animal has created the shit. It’s very important which animal made it. If it’s bullshit…

[laughter]

…then it’s not true. It’s a lie. It’s shit.

But if it’s chicken shit…

[laughter]

…then it’s being a coward. It’s completely different.

And if it’s horseshit…

[laughter]

…then it’s a theory that’s not very good.

Or if the theory is good, but it’s done poorly, then it’s dog shit.

And then there is batshit. There’s batshit, and batshit means crazy. But actually, it doesn’t, because you still have to say crazy. You have to say, like, “Oh, she is batshit crazy.”

[laughter]

So batshit doesn’t mean crazy. Batshit means very.

[laughter]

But it only works with crazy. You can’t use it for something else. Like, “Oh, she is batshit horny.”

[laughter]

It’s only crazy.

And then there’s also apeshit.

[laughter]

And that’s also crazy, but it’s different because batshit is permanent, apeshit temporary.

[laughter]

Somebody can be batshit crazy forever, but they can go apeshit for a second.

[laughter]

And also, batshit is a single person, but apeshit can be the whole crowd.

[laughter]

The crowd went apeshit. And that’s basically the same meaning when you say the crowd went bananas. So bananas and apeshit mean the same thing…

[laughter]

…which, if you think about it, makes sense.

[applause]

It’s, um…

[cheering]

And then there’s one more animal. One more animal. And it’s human. But it’s not any human. It’s not just anybody. It’s one specific person. Never anybody else. Every time, the same exact person. Every single time: Jack.

[laughter]

Nobody else’s shit is ever mentioned.

[laughter]

Never anybody else. I never heard, like, “Well, I didn’t understand Brian shit.” Only Jack, every time. Jack shit.

[laughter]

And shit even has a meaning when there’s no shit, in the absence of shit. Because when you say, “No shit”…

[laughter]

…it means the truth. The truth. “No shit, this is the truth.”

Whoo.

And if you add a question mark after “no shit,” then it means “really?”

[laughter]

“No shit?”

[laughter]

And also, after “no shit,” you can add the word Sherlock…

[laughter]

…and then it means “obviously.”

[laughter]

So this is so complicated. That word is complicated as shit. But you can still complicate it more. You can complicate it more.

Shit can be divided into a piece of shit. And the piece of shit is different from the entire shit.

[laughter]

Now, it can be like, “Oh, my car, it’s a piece of shit.” Or, “Oh, my phone. What’s wrong with this piece of shit?”

Or it can be yourself, if you’re being a bad person. Like, “Oh, I’m such a piece of shit.”

And the piece can grow. It can get bigger and bigger. But it can never reach the whole shit. Cuz if I’m a piece of shit, I’m bad. If I’m a big piece of shit, I’m worse. Giant piece of shit, even worse. But if I’m the shit, I’m great.

[applause]

Thank you. You just… That’s you. You can’t make this shit up.

I’m sure you’re wondering, “When is he going to run out of shit?”

[laughter]

Almost there.

[laughter]

I think it’s… I did… I think it’s time that we should start to wrap this shit up.

[laughter]

I actually learned that expression recently. I was in the bathroom. Somebody was knocking at the door, like, “Hey, wrap that shit up.”

[laughter]

No, no.

[laughter]