[wolf howling]
[wolves barking]
[retro electronic music playing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
[audience cheering]
Salt Lake City! Thank you! Thank you so much. Thank you so much for being here. Me and my pants are very excited to see you. Let’s take stock of who’s here. Who here is a millennial like me?
[audience cheering]
Yes! Yes. Expensive seats. Good for you. Comedy is all about specifics. So who here is an elder?
Elder millennial! Yes!
[cheers and applause] And I like to have all different types of people in my audience. So who here is Generation X?
[audience cheering]
Good. Thank you. Thank you, Gen X, for MTV and… Back into obscurity you go. I believe in having a diverse audience. Who here is a baby boomer? [applause] One. Good. In the back, so he can rest when it’s dark. Good. And now for the delicious part. Who here is Generation Z? [audience cheering] They got one by himself. One by himself, not surrounded by friends. I’ve got you all alone. You don’t look so tough outside of a TikTok comments section. Well I have a message for you all to take back to your friends at your vape hive. Generation Z, you are not nice! Not nice to millennials specifically. And we have had it! And because your generation is a contextless one made up of soundbites and memes, you need to know a little bit about the generation who came before you. Millennials, yes, were here first!
[audience cheering]
Yes! And we’ve had it rough. And we got out of school if we could afford it, and there were no houses and there were no jobs, and our parents said we had to stop eating avocados, and then we finally get old enough to where we’re having kids and buying houses. Just kidding. Still renting. And we got you coming up our fucking asses calling us problematic. But we did not create this mess of a society. Millennials did not start this fire. We literally don’t know how glamping was only cool for like a year. And you take out your anger on millennials because we are the only other ones in that TikTok comments section with you. But millennials are not to blame. You are angry. We’re not your parents. We are your older cousins who showed you how to smoke weed out of an apple.
[audience cheers]
Yes! We are your bosses, who will give you the day off because your fee-fees are in retrograde. We get it. Also, we’re afraid of you. Be kind to millennials because you don’t know that we laid the groundwork for everything that makes you you. We had the ’90s first, you bitches!
[audience cheers]
Yes! I remember the first time Birkenstocks were fucking ugly! I had them! We gave you everything. We laid the groundwork for the social media you make millions on. Never forget that millennials walked on Myspace. Yes! On Friendster! Yes! We walked three seconds at a time on Vine.
We walked.
[audience cheers] We walked on Instagram, Gen Z, so you could run on TikTok. We gave you everything. So be kind to millennials because we are just as angry as you are, but our backs hurt and we have heartburn! [audience cheers] Yes. Back hurts a lot more now that I have two children.
[audience cheers]
Yeah. I have two. I had a little boy. He’s eight months old. I had a little boy, and I always… I always like to tell audiences that I had a boy because I feel like it gets the men on my side right away. Men love to know, “Another one for the team.” They love to know there’s another boy in the world. They’re like, “One of us.” They love it. I’m like, I had a son. His penis is this big! And that’s when all the guys are like, “That’s still pretty big, statistically speaking!” “Even for an adult.” Had a little boy. Have a little girl. And I can honestly tell you, having been pregnant, that my least favorite part about being pregnant… Now, this is a long sentence, okay? So you feel free to jump on or off wherever you agree or disagree, okay? Having been pregnant twice, I can tell you my least favorite part about being pregnant is men… I always pause there. For the lesbians. That’s right.
[audience cheers]
There they are. Oh, there’s a lot of you tonight. Good. They appreciate solid joke structure. They’re like, “That’s a good premise and punch line rolled into one. Continue.” The thing I like the least about being pregnant is men congratulating my husband on our pregnancy in front of me. I’m sorry, there’s just something a little weird about standing there fully pregnant while two men shake hands at the thought of fucking me. There’s just something… a little too Handmaid’s Tale about standing there incapacitated while two men congratulate each other on six seconds. “Well done.” There’s just something…
[audience cheers]
Five seconds? There’s just something a little too under his eye about the whole thing. Men love to know that if I’m not out there fucking, at least one of our own is out there doing the Lord’s work. They love it. Heterosexual men love to know that if they can’t be having sex, one of their brothers is out there having sex. They love to know other men are fucking. It is the gayest thing. They love to know. Oh, they get so jacked. “Oh, good to know you. Is that your wife? Hey, nice job.” “Me? I got four of my own. You bet I…” “You bet I fuck. You bet I do.” “You know it. Nothing better. Nothing better.” “Talking three, two, one, blastoff. Houston, we…” “I love it.” “Nothing better. Guy shit.” [imitating wolf howling] “Wolf pack. Guy stuff. Nothing better.” “Nothing better than blasting off in my wife, talking nothing better than ejaculating into a woman.” “Maybe…” “Maybe into a man. Only tried it once, and I gotta get back.” “Gotta get back into politics. Talking about guy stuff. Nothing better.” “Manly. Red, white and blue… [barks] is the color of my junk, and I got to get it checked out.” “But I don’t…” “I don’t trust the medical industrial complex, you know what I mean?” “Guy stuff, right now. You and me connecting like men.” “Get the women out of here. Us heterosexual men are a dying breed.” “Talking about shit only men care about. Don’t look here, motherfucker.” “I will goose you. Guy stuff, right now.” “Talking about shit only us men understand.” Wraparound reflective sunglasses. Things only men… That’s right, Utah. Things only men understand. Things only men do. Holding up a dead fish in your dating profile picture. Things only men do. Things only men do. Helping an absolute stranger back out of a parking space. Things only men do. Things only guys care about. Arguing about the accurate depiction of Vikings and fan art on Reddit. Things only men care about: Reddit. Things only guys… Arguing about Christopher Nolan movies. Talking about which Batman wore it best. Guy stuff. Think about things only men do. Push-ups in public and counting them. Guy stuff. Guy time. Things only men do. Becoming a personal injury attorney. Things only men do. Things only men struggle with. Maybe being a piece of shit your whole life, finding out you’re having a baby and that it’s a girl, and then, and only then, realizing women are people too. Things only men struggle with. Boys, I’m gonna let you know right up top. I want you in my audience. I am on your side. So I’m gonna give you the secret about women. We love you. We are obsessed with you. Not those six lesbians who laughed earlier, but we chemically, biologically, we cannot get enough of you. And we have so much time for your bullshit. Women get so dumb when we love a man. You would meet women that are like, “He’s going to prison for life, but I’m gonna wait.” Like we are so dumb. But the one thing no woman finds attractive is your late-in-life realization that half the population might also matter. The one thing no woman has time for is you and six of your gorilla friends sitting around a podcast recorder in your buddy’s ADU like you’re discovering fire, having these epiphanies like, “I’m gonna be honest wichu, bro. Always thought woman was not person.” “But then I has my baby girl, and that’s when I know, yo, woman is person too.” [grunts] Yeah! “Good job.” “Me.” “Her.” [grunts] Wearing Under Armour when you’re overweight. What is that boys? You’re not working out. You know, “running errands” is only an expression. You’re not actually doing cardio when you’re waiting in line for frozen yogurt in Gore-Tex, looking like you’re about to be launched into space. I have a little girl also, and…
[audience cheers]
Thank you. Thank you. I’m the only woman to ever have a daughter, thank you. A little girl. She’s two and a half years old. I love her so much. I didn’t know it was possible to love something, someone, this much. I’m so beguiled by her. She’s so beautiful and sweet and pure and white. I just want to… [snorts and screams] Like, she’s so… Oh, come on. We’re not that far from Park City. Like, come on. You get that. [applause] I’m so in love with her. I’m so obsessed with her. And people are always asking, like, “Oh, are you gonna tell jokes?” “You have any jokes about your kids?” No. She’s two and a half years old. I don’t want to tell people things about her. Whenever you tell people about your kids, they’re gonna think that about your kids. I don’t share pictures of my children on the internet. I keep them to myself because whatever…
[cheers and applause]
What am I gonna do? Vent to you? “Oh, my God, my daughter was being a real bitch the other day.” And it’s a taping. Then for the rest of this little girl’s life, people are gonna be coming up to her like, “I heard you were a little monster bitch to your mama.” She doesn’t need that. She’s two and a half years old. She’s perfect. What am I gonna say? That she eats so much fruit, it’s an issue for our plumbing at home? Like what? She eats so much fruit when she takes a dump, it sounds like the opening of Law & Order. Like, “Ka-chung.” [humming Law & Order theme song] There’s been a homicide. I love her so much. I’m always kissing her. I can never get enough squeezes and hugs. You know this feeling if you have a beautiful baby or like a really thick cat. [growls] Cat’s just eating and you’re just like, “You!” The cat’s like, “Ah!” You have the secrets. The cat’s like, “I don’t have any secrets.” “You had too much coffee. Get your hands off of me.” I’m always kissing her, I’m always squeezing her, I’m always hugging her. And my daughter’s always avoiding me. And I’m always like, “Give me a hug.” She’s like, “Mom, I’m gonna call HR.” And I’m like, “Do it. I own the company.” [grunts] But I am. I can’t help it. I’m always squeezing her little tushy because it looks like two Hawaiian rolls, and I’m always biting her. Gentle biting, squeezing, hugging, and she’s always going over there. And I realize that I seek affection from my two-year-old daughter the same way the creepy guy in your office… seeks affection from women. I’m always like, “Sierra, where’s my hug?” “Where are you going, pretty girl?” “Can I have a smile? Can I have a smile?” “Smile for me. Can I have a kiss?” “No kiss. Why the fuck not?” “Why can’t I have a kiss?” “You’re in charge of Mommy’s emotional well-being.” “Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss. Give me a hug. Give me a fucking hug!” “Give me a hug.” “I won’t squeeze your tushy. I promise. I promise.” “I won’t– Just come here. I won’t.” “Just kidding!” Squeeze… the tushy. You have to. And I only share this very personal, very vulnerable part of my private life with you about squeezing tushy for, honestly, like any men in the audience who have been accused of sexual harassment, so…
[man in audience] Whoo!
[audience laughs]
I just want you to know I stand with you. Ah! I get it now. Uh, and as we conclude the requisite pregnancy portion of tonight’s stand-up, uh, I will tell you, well, that was a big thing that happened. I will tell you, I think the hardest part about being pregnant… well, honestly, is those last few hours. I mean, wow. I mean, it really takes it out of you, literally. Uh, I would say it’s right at the end. I would call it eight and a half months, right at the end where you’re not done, but you are done. And you can see the finish line, and you’re tired of it, and you’re– Fuck it, I hate to say it– bored. I know. It’s such an amazing, gorgeous… God. It’s boring! And you’re there, and you’re huge. And you don’t want to do anything. You want to be done with it. And it’s easy to do nothing. It’s easy to just sequester yourself in a dark room like a beached walrus just laying there like, “More fish!”
[audience laughs]
And I was so uncomfortable, and I was like, “Okay, I’m uncomfortable, but what do I still have control over?” “Just because I’m about to become someone else’s mother doesn’t mean I have to give up all of who I am.” “So what can I do at 2,000 pounds at eight and a half months pregnant?” “What can I do? Okay, well, I can still work out.” So I did that. I’m still gonna work out. I’m still gonna do stand-up, right? I’m still gonna drink. I’m not gonna like, “Oh…” Oh, I can’t have a daiquiri because, like, you need eyes? Like, “Uh…” right? Check your privilege. Check your fucking ocular privilege. No, you shouldn’t drink when you’re pregnant. Well… I’m not a doctor. I’m not not a doctor. Are you like me, where you feel if there were no medical personnel in an emergency, you would be someone’s next best bet because you paid a lot of attention to ER reruns. Like, I feel like… No, I’m not a doctor, but I will say, and I’m pretty sure most medical personnel would agree with this, at eight and a half months pregnant, if you have a healthy baby and you’re healthy and you’ve done everything right and you want to have half a beer to feel like a fucking human, you can have half a beer. Okay? You can have a beer. Nothing’s happening at eight and a half months that was so important it didn’t get done already, okay? I don’t know what you’re waiting for. At eight and a half months, all that kid is doing is learning to take advantage of your generous hospitality. At eight and a half months, you’re like, “Get out of there.” The kid’s like, “Fuck you, Mom. Squatters rights.” He’s just in there… smoking weed, listening to Rush. He’s not doing anything. Eight and a half months, nothing’s happening, okay? I promise you, at eight and a half months, like… Like, if your kid doesn’t have hands at eight and a half months… he ain’t getting hands. That’s the punch line. I don’t know what you’re waiting on. They’re not like fruit, where it’s the last thing to grow on the tree, like… I think people really underestimate a lot about genetics and science and pure luck. At eight and a half months, you’ve done all you can do. It doesn’t matter all your good thoughts, or how many essential oils you eat or sell. This feels like that kind of city. Uh…
[audience cheers]
It doesn’t matter. Conversely, there are plenty of people who are born early. And they’re totally fine. There is a lot of luck involved. There are plenty of people who are born prematurely and they’re doing great. Who here was born early and you’re doing okay? Raise your hands.
Raise your hands if you were born early.
[applause]
Can’t see your hands because they’re so small.
But you get the…
[audience laughs]
Gotcha. You think twice before participating next time with your tiny little baby hands. [whimpers] And I will tell you, for me, one of the scariest parts about having a child, besides being in charge of a life, is what it did to me mentally. When you have a baby, as a woman, you become… How do I put this scientifically? Um, fucking dumb. Now, you were reserved in your laughter. You were reticent to laugh because we’re not supposed to make fun of mothers. Who here’s a mother? Raise your hand. Yeah.
[audience cheers]
There you go. Bunch of idiots right here. They understand what it’s like when you have a baby. They call it mom brain, right? They call it moo mind. You don’t know what’s going on and it’s not your fault. I’m here to tell you it’s not because you’re selfish or myopic. It is because when you have a baby, your brain shrinks. Your brain medically, chemically, biologically shrinks. It’s not a part of your brain that you were gonna use. It’s just a part of your brain that you needed to remember how to operate a motor vehicle, remember dates, names, times, places, what a turn signal is. That part is gone. Just so you know, it’s the reason your mom sounds like a mom. Her brain has shrunken. I’m sorry. It’s the reason your mom confuses you and your brother’s name. It’s the reason your mom can’t remember. And it’s the reason she doesn’t know lyrics to songs. It’s the reason my mother once referred to John Krasinski as, “Oh, who’s that Polish actor I love?” She’s operating at half capacity. I feel like women are cackling at this and men are like, “There’s no way. We’d better ask Joe Rogan.” “There’s no way.”
[audience laughs]
“There’s no way she knows a brain fact.” “There’s no way she has access to brain facts about her own brain.” ‘Tis true. Your brain shrinks, and it’s not for nothing. Your brain shrinks to make way for a part of your brain that actually gets larger, and that is the part that knows how to reflexively care for a child. Those are your mama bear instincts. That’s the eyes in the back of your head. That part is, engorge, but that part is what you need to know how to anticipate the needs of a child. For example, my daughter will never fall. Not on my watch! She’s not falling. She could be in the other room and I’m in the kitchen doing dishes, and I’ll be like, “Gravitational shift. She’s falling!” [exhaling rapidly] Ah. Ah, I gotcha. I gotcha. [exhales]
[audience cheers]
What was your name? Who are you? And I will tell you honestly, it’s very scary to have that mom brain because I’m a comedian. I speak for a living. I cannot come out here and deliver half of a punch line. You came here for a show. I can’t come out and be like, “I was gonna say something and I forgot.” “I forgot.” And it’s scary because not only do you forget stuff, but there’s a softening. You’re this mom and you’re a warrior, and you would do anything to protect your kid. But the rest of the time, you are the soft underbelly of a hamster. The rest of the time, your sense of humor gets weird. I can’t have that. I can’t be on a podcast with a bunch of comics, and they’re all chopping it up, getting new fans, zingers, and they’re all funny, and I’m sitting there like, “I was gonna make a joke, but then I got scared, and…” “I saw this video. Look, it’s a mouse wearing a strawberry for a hat.” “I hope he gets home safe, but his Tinder…” “Double tap. How do I log into my email?” It’s scary and it’s sad because you start laughing at things that aren’t funny, right? And I don’t mean like someone falling down the stairs. I mean, like, “Look, there’s me. A raccoon fell into a pumpkin.” “And now what’s he gonna do? It’s the holidays.” It’s scary. It’s scary and it’s embarrassing to laugh at things that aren’t funny or that are hacky. Period, new paragraph, indention. My husband and I were taking a shower the other day, and…
[audience whoops]
Thank you. Just wanted to let you know we’re doing well. We own a shower. I misspoke. I was taking a shower. My husband was shivering in the corner of the shower.
[audience cheers]
“When will it be my turn?” You keep following us in there, boys, we’re gonna do that to you every time. Gonna get relegated to shower Siberia every time. That’s what you get. I’m trying to take a shower, and your husband’s always like, “Oh, can I come in?” You’re like, “Sure, this will be different than every other time.” “Come on in.” Six years of marriage later, it’s totally gonna be different. Come on in. He’s like, “Here I come.” You’re like, “Okay, are you in? Good.” “Will you shut the shower door? Are you in? Are you a little damp? Good.” “My cousin is such a bitch!”
[audience laughs]
He’s just in the corner. What do you think is gonna happen? That we’re gonna have shower sex over 40? What? Even in your 30s– No one over 25 is attempting or having shower sex. Why? Why do you want that? You’re so horny you can’t walk ten feet to the bed? Fifteen in a big house. Like, you can’t put some carpet down? You can’t make it. Who would want this? What man, if, given his druthers for fantasy sex, has ever been like, “Okay, first, I need a wet piece of granite and I’m gonna stand on it.” “I need slick marble that I can balance on, simultaneously pulling both Achilles, and I want to hold up another human as I balance while she complains that she feels ugly and she’s cold.” “This is what gets me going.”
[audience cheers]
All the lube to get washed away while lauryl sulfate just drips into my eyes. This is how I like to fuck. Why… No couple has ever left the shower after shower sex and both of them be like, “Wow, we were both totally comfortable and warm the whole time.” “That was outstanding.” So it was my husband’s turn at the water. Only because I had a hair mask. I was like, “You got two minutes.” It’s like a prison shower. He’s like, “Yes, right away.” Speaking of my husband, washing his body, he dropped… the soap.
[audience laughs and cheers]
Okay, so you’re laughing at that. It’s a hacky joke. I don’t mean to shame you, but it’s a hacky joke. And as a comic, I know better. I laughed so fucking hard. And my husband judged me and shamed me. He was like, “Really?” “You’re laughing at a ‘don’t drop the soap’ joke?” I thought about it. I got back in the warm water and I thought about it… for 45 minutes. I… No, we don’t waste water. Uh, I thought about it. [clears throat] The “don’t drop the soap” joke is the last remaining vestige of homophobic comedy that we, as a nation, have just decided we’re gonna go ahead and keep. We have come so far in terms of understanding sexuality as a spectrum. People have pronouns, LGBTQIA, we added LMNOP. It’s inclusive, we get it. Gay flag is everywhere, right on. But someone somewhere drops a bar of soap, and we are the first ones to be like, “Don’t drop the soap!”
[audience applauds]
You drop it… Yeah. Yeah, or someone’s gonna fuck you in the asshole… in your own home. Love of my life. Follow us into that shower. Guys do not care. They do not care. It doesn’t matter how you’re feeling as a woman, because guys don’t give a fuck what you look like. You could be– “I’m so– I have COVID in my butt and in my mouth.” “And it’s just–” “And I have hand, foot and mouth, and I just…” “Oops, oops, my leg fell off.” “I guess I’ll just…” “Okay, I don’t feel well. I’ll just get the shower.” Your husband’s like, “Oh good, you can’t fight me off.” And they will just follow you in. You’re like, “I don’t know. My body feels so gross.” “I just had this baby.” He’s like, “Another one won’t kill you.” “Here we go.” They don’t care. They will chase you in there. And it makes you realize just how little a woman actually has to do to turn a man on.
[audience cheers]
That’s right. All the women cheering for that are my age or older. All the girls in their 20s are like, “I don’t understand.” [in elderly voice] Let me tell you. [in normal voice] Once you understand that for the average man, the bar is set so low the limit does not exist. Girls, you are going to save so much money at Sephora. And you are going to spend so much less money on therapy. Once you understand that for the average guy, they don’t care. Think of all the times, girls, you have done the most hair, makeup, skin, nails, feet. And he showed up in flip-flops! Think… of all the times you’ve gotten ready and you’ve looked perfect. And on the way out, you’re like, “Oh, my God, I’ve got armpit stubble.” “Oh, my God, I’d better dry-shave it in the hallway!” What, now you’re on a date with fire pits? Like, “Hi, Ryan.” Like, he’s gonna… You think he would put himself through that for the date? No, he doesn’t care. He didn’t get ready for that date. Homeboy picked you up for your date in a Saturn. I know. I heard some boos. Some guys don’t like that joke. I know. I see you. I see your little obstinate arm crossed. They’re like, “Okay, Saturn. It was a classic.” “That Saturn Vue was a limited edition.” “It had a digital ashtray,” And this is where all the women will say, “But we have to do these things.” “It’s Western standards.” “We’re forced to participate in these systems.” “It’s the patriarchy.” Girls, we have to stop saying “patriarchy.” It’s dated, it’s annoying. And I’m gonna tell you why we have to stop saying “patriarchy.” You’ve literally never heard a woman say the word “patriarchy” and thought to yourself, “Oh, I can’t wait to hear what else she has to say.” So… we need better language. Some men are good men. It’s not the patriarchy. It’s bigger than that, sister. I got news for you. It’s the world. It’s the internet. Wanting women to feel bad about themselves so someone can sell you cheap hyaluronic acid in a gallon of water and bad plastic. It’s the internet operating on a currency of female insecurities. If people can make you feel bad about the way that you are naturally, then they can serve you targeted ads, and you will buy garbage. That’s what the internet wants: to sell you lotion, body cream, fucking glitter, lip gloss for your asshole. They want to just sell you… That was a joke, but it is a great idea.
[audience laughs and cheers]
Butthole lip gloss. We call it “blip gloss.” Like, I… I’m gonna be the first to market. I’m gonna be like, “Hey, Sharks, do I have an idea for you.”
[audience cheers]
“I’m here seeking a 30% stake in my company.” “Lip gloss for your asshole.” I would be sealing everything with a kiss. Everything. Holiday cards. Birthday cards. Housewarming cards. New Year’s Eve. Everything. And people would be like, “Oh, my God, is this scratch and sniff?” I’d be like, “Try it.” I would be… And they would. They’d be like, “Is that strawberry?” I’d be like, “It probably was.” The internet wants you to believe that you are not good enough so that you can feel bad about yourself, and then a lesser type of guy has a shot at you. That’s the whole fucking scam. The internet would have you believe you’re not enough, and that you’re not worthy, and that a real man wants a woman who’s nervous, no opinions of her own. Flatfoot, barefoot in a kitchen, referring to her husband as “my king.” This might not have been the right city to tell that joke in. But still, the internet…
[audience cheers]
The internet lies. Go out in the real world, girls. Real men are not afraid of real women. That’s the God’s honest truth. There you go. Real men like a woman with a little bit of thigh meat and an education. I promise you. Yeah. It could even be like a communications degree. Just something that shows… that you went. My heroes are the women that laugh at that joke, even though it hurts. Those are my heroes, the women that are like, “I don’t even remember what I studied.” “I’m in so much debt.” This is not about being mean to men. This is about empowering women, and this is about us as women realizing how much you have denied yourself because of this puritanical view of what a woman should be. All the times you wanted to eat that extra wing, or wear that bikini even though you felt thick, or go out without shaving your legs, think of all the uninhibited monkey sex we could be having, girls…
[audience cheers]
…if we weren’t beholden to this biblically steeped version of what a woman is. Think of all the fun we could be having. Think of all the times you’ve looked great and you’re like, “No.” And your partner’s like, “Let’s have sex in the shower.” And you’re like, “No, I feel so gross.” “I’m so gross, I’m so gross and sweaty because I went outside.” “I’m a monster. Oh, my God, I’m so sweaty.” “Isn’t it disgusting that I have a functioning endocrine system?” “I know. I should keep it in. I’m sorr–” Your partner doesn’t care. You’re like, “I’m disgusting.” He’s like, “Sit on my face! I will Venmo you!” They don’t care.
[audience cheers]
He’s like, “It’s true. Do it right now.” They don’t care. “No, I’m so greasy and bloated because I fed myself dinner.” “No, I’m so disgusting.” And he’s just like, “Jesus Christ, Jessica, shit on my chest!” “I will Cash App you.” They don’t care. Guys don’t care. And I wish I knew how little they cared in my 20s, because I wouldn’t have flat ironed my hair so much. I don’t… No man has ever been like, “Yeah, but can you make it straighter?” Like… “I want to make out with Tom Petty.” Like, I would never… Especially men in their 20s. Like, a 25-year-old guy would have sex with a warmed-up bag of pudding… between two couch cushions.
[audience laughs and cheers]
I do have to say, I wrote that joke a year before anyone knew who JD Vance was. And I also want to say, the only reason every man in this room is not laughing, I think, is because they’re all still thinking like… “I never thought about warming it up before.”
[audience laughs]
“Whoa.” There’s always a couple of old-timers: “Don’t put it in the microwave too long. You burn your pee-pee.” We do all of these things. We jump over all these hurdles to be attractive. And the sad, God’s honest truth is that when a man first likes a woman, it actually has nothing to do with her. When a guy first sees a girl, he looks at her with his reptilian brain and he just thinks for a second, he sees her and he scans her real quick. He’s like, “Okay, is she symmetrical? No, but I’m a six, so that’s fine.” This happens in a matter of seconds, milliseconds. He’s like, “But she smells like vanilla and reminds me of my mom, hello!” Okay, and they will… And if they’re into it, if they chemically are attracted to you, he will approach you. He will set down his McRib and he will come… and talk to you. When a guy first sees a girl, it has nothing to do with the girl. That’s not to take away from us as beautiful creatures, girls. And then you guys get to know each other, and then your personality, girls, ruins the rest of it. That’s right, but at the beginning… When a guy likes a girl, he can’t help it. And it’s unfortunate, and I can prove it. Because every single woman in this room at some point in her life has had a guy who’s just decided he likes you, now it’s your fucking problem. Every woman in this room at some point has had some lunatic that’s like, “We’re meant to be together!” “Christine!” [growls] And you’re like, “Okay, my name is Leslie. Here’s your Starbucks.” Like, every girl has to deal with that. Every girl has had the guy that’s like, “What? She looked at me, so I followed her home… Your Honor.” Some guys don’t like that joke. I know. It’s usually the same guys who didn’t laugh at my Saturn punch line. I see you. See your little beady eyes are like, “Okay, okay. Counterpoint.” “Counterpoint. If she didn’t like me, why’d she take my money?” It’s like, “Sir, she’s a tollbooth worker.” I know. The laugh is a little thin on that. I think I lose some of our Gen Z with the reference. I want to bring you in. So Gen Z, go home, ask your parents what a worker is.
[audience laughs and cheers]
They’re just jokes, folks. The whole point of being in a relationship is to grow as an individual and build something with someone else. And for women, we cannot be in a relationship unless we feel loved. And we cannot feel loved unless we feel safe. That is paramount, okay? So in order to feel loved, girls, you got to find someone. You want true love. You want to build something with someone. So, girls, I advise that you go out and you find someone in this world who loves you a little bit more than you love them. Do not look at your date right now. Don’t tap them. Don’t– Just stay right here, locked on me. You look at him right now, it’s gonna be a real long drive back to Provo. So you just stay looking right here. I got you. We’ll just skip right over that joke and move on. But it’s a beautiful thing when a woman feels loved and a woman feels safe, then she can truly blossom. I hate that word. But then she can truly become herself. And it’s only when a woman is loved and feels safe that a magical change occurs. It’s only when we know that we are loved by you, truly loved, that we can begin to get uglier! Yes! Yes! [growls] That was the plan all along. Big pants. To squirrel up into your heart and grow a mustache! That’s what we wanted. Yes! Mud masks around the house. Yes, that was the idea. There’s no point in getting hotter once you’re in a relationship. There’s no ROI. Who cares? Who’s getting married 30 years later? Like, “You know what? It’s time to kick it up a notch.” For what? You’re good. At my 50-year anniversary, I want my husband and I to just not even be two people. I want us to just be one giant cat turd. And I want… laying there. “Happy anniversary. Let’s eat chicken pickles, and then… we can have sex while we check our phones, and then… we can fall asleep watching The Office, with that Polish actor.”
[audience laughs]
[blows raspberry] There is a, uh… there is something interesting that happens, and I’m experiencing this as I’m getting older. And often it coincides with being married or in a long-term relationship. But as women, this idea that we stop caring is silly, okay? You always want to look your best, and we always try our best. But as you get older, it’s not that you stop caring, it’s that you stop caring as much about what other people think.
And when it comes to…
[audience cheers] …empowerment or dressing sexy, your barometer sort of changes and you start to dress a little bit more for yourself as we get older, right? As we age as women, or if you’re in a long relationship, you sort of stop looking for external validation from men because you’re getting it in this relationship or from yourself, right? As we get older, as women, we stop dressing for the male gaze. “Gaze,” spelled G-A-Z-E. Not the male gays, honey. We are always dressing for them. They did this okay?
[audience cheers]
Yeah. They’re always in our hearts. But no couple who’s been married a while is coming out of a dressing room and she’s like, “Look babe, it’s a bikini that cuts my turkey meat and half so it hangs out the bottom.” “And then… it’s a belly chain with a thong that I’m gonna wear backward.” “I call it a split decision.” Don’t forget the blip gloss. No, when you’re married, you’re coming out of that dressing room like, “Look, baby, they’re khakis that taper… with the matching vest and the hat.” “I’m a dandy bear.” And your husband, if he knows what’s good for him, will support it. He’ll just be like, “You look– You’re my queen.” “Oh, God.” You’re like, “I cut my hair really short.” He’s like, “You’re an empowered…” [grunts and groans] Now, these are just jokes. Of course, every woman wants to look her best. Every person wants to look their best. We still try. Girls, you still got to try, right? You still got to wipe, right?
You still got to…
[audience laughs]
There’s always a couple of guys that are like, “No, you don’t.” Always want to try. For your own self-worth, for yourself, for your partner. I’m sure your job wouldn’t mind if you ran a comb through that mop. You always want to try. But the ask is never that women look perfect. Let’s be clear about this, that’s not what they’re asking because there is no such thing as perfection. There is no “they’re” there. The ask is that we as women spend all of our mental bandwidth, money and free time trying to attain a bullshit level of perfection. And while we are busy not only trying to look perfect, but justify our existence, justify why you want kids, why you don’t want kids, why you want to shatter a glass ceiling, justifying your artistic integrity, explaining to everyone what it’s like to balance it all while you were busy fighting with other women over who breastfed best or who’s the baddest bitch of them all. While we were busy fighting each other and trying to be perfect, they were what? Taking away our rights to our bodies. That’s what was happening while we were obsessed with bullshit. While we were sleeping with a red light on. Because the ask is always that women be beautiful. But we don’t ask the same of men. We always ask that the woman be structurally perfect, stunning, snatch. We don’t care what she’s married to. She could be beautiful, and she can be married to a bowl of soup, and nobody questions it. Again, do not look at your date. Just look at me. I always see women poking, like, “You’re chicken noodle. That’s you.” In a relationship, the ask is always that the woman tries the hardest, keeps it tight, snatched, perfect. And the guy could just be a fucking onion, and nobody cares. Nobody cares. In fact, as a society, we prefer it that way. We’re very comfortable with women trying the hardest and the guy just being a lint trap. We walk by and we’re just like, “Oh, that’s the way the Lord intended a man and a woman to look.” “She, a goddess.” “Him, gum.” This is what we like. And you never see it the other way. And when you do, people get angry about it, right? When you see a good-looking guy with perhaps a less attractive woman. If you open a tabloid, you see like a male movie star, and he’s just married to like a civilian. It’s a picture of a guy who’s jacked professionally on a vacation with his 38-year-old wife mothering their three kids. She’s got no makeup on. People are like, “Oh, maybe she’s sick.” “How good of him to stay with her, even though she’s not wearing any bronzer.” And I was like, “Well, why is it that way?”
Surely, it’s just a coastal thing, right? I live in LA, and you go to New York, and this is the expectation, that women are structurally stunning, perfect, and it doesn’t matter what she’s married to. I’m like, maybe it’s just a coastal thing. Where can you go where it’s maybe normalized? I want to see normal people. Where do you go where maybe yeah, the guy is rugged from working out and building a barn for Christ? I don’t know, just putting up… It feels like Middle America. You guys– That’s your family. I feel like… Where can you go where maybe the men are a little bit rugged, salt of the earth, and the women are a little bit homely or comely? The answer is the Midwest. I don’t know why I have to like, parse this out. When I’m in the Midwest, I say the South. Anywhere, you’re gonna see a disparity in looks any time you are outside of a major city, okay? When people get married young. When people get married young, you don’t really know what your spouse is gonna grow up to look like. When you get married older, like I did, you get married at like 36? My husband and I, I knew his back hair was going somewhere and he knew I needed Invisalign. Like, we knew. We knew that– You get married at, like, 19. That’s a genetic fucking grab bag, my friends. You don’t know how her tooth is gonna come in, what his hair is gonna do. You don’t know. Period. Indention. New paragraph. I was in an airport in rural Kansas, going to a gig in the middle of nowhere. This is not that long ago. So I’m pregnant. I’m standing there in this small regional airport, and a man walked into this airport, folks, who was so masculine… I just heard a giggle. Talk about repressed sexuality. I’m like, “He was manly.” She’s like… [chuckles evilly] Let it out.
He was so masculine. I didn’t know they made men like this outside of like an HGTV home renovation show. Like he was… I walked up him like, I was like “Are you the president of Magnolia Network?” Like, he was… like an oak. Just structurally stunning, masculine, dripping with masculinity. It did things to me. Like, I needed him. I needed him to need me to need him to need me. I just wanted to be at his feet. He was so manly, he walked in and I just wanted him to help me do anything. I was like, “Please, we have no food for the winter.” “Please help my village.” You are attracted to this, okay? I don’t care what you brought here tonight or what your Tinder profile is set to, it’s this, genetically. Someone in your family fucked something that looked like that, and it’s the only reason your genetics survived till today. He was stunning, okay? I will describe him to you. Giggles over there was like, “Yes, finally.” [shudders] The women are excited because you don’t have church till tomorrow. They’re like, “Get it in now.” [giggles nervously] All the men are like, “Is it too early to pull the truck around?” Okay, first of all, let’s get this out of the way. Boys, yes, he was tall, okay? Not trying to hurt your feelings. I know you’re real sensitive about height. I know you get upset when women make fun of you for your height. And I just want you to know that we do it on purpose.
[audience laughs]
You can’t control it. And to be fair, you make fun of us for everything! And so take it on the chin. You’re so sensitive about it, you got women out here calling you short kings. That’s bullshit, okay? You’re a short subject. That’s it. You’re short. It’s fine. We need to hold your hand about it. I wouldn’t mind calling you a king if you extended the same royal courtesy to us. But you make fun of women for everything, and I never hear a guy say, “Oh, she’s a fat princess.” I never hear a guy… “Oh, she’s an unemployed duchess.” I never hear a guy who’s like, “Oh, she can’t have kids. She’s a baroness.” I never hear…
[audience laughs]
…that. But, gentlemen, at the beginning I said I was on your side. I do think sometimes women make too big of a deal out of the height thing. You get girls that are like, “He’d better be 6’9” with a ten-digit bank account and a 12-foot wingspan. You’re like, “Are you an NBA scout?” Like, what are these…? “You’d better have a ten-digit bank account.” I’m like, “You work at the mall, so let’s just relax.” How tall do you want it? You can’t be attracted to this. The Slavic basketball players clocking in at 8’13” with enlarged hearts. You can’t be… You’re looking at that like, “What is that penis? Just…”
[audience cheers]
Like, at that height, at seven feet tall, what is a hand job? Just wrapping cable? Like… Let’s go, Vlad. [humming “Man! I Feel Like a Woman!”] He was tall. Okay. Nice head of hair. Not gonna act like that’s not a plus. His forehead, though, was strong. How do you get a strong forehead? How do you work out a forehead? Probably from bashing in car windows to save kittens. Bam, bam, bam! Thick. It was a ridge of a forehead. You could build a settlement on it. Like, it was just… And it exacerbated how blue his eyes were because the built-in skin and bone visor that he had, you could see just laser blue eyes. I have blue eyes. Something like 2% of people on this planet have blue eyes. So my blue eyes saw his blue eyes and I was like, “I want to fuck my distant cousin.” This is exquisite. But the part I’ll miss the most… his jaw. Easy, Utah. Some woman fainted over there. Oh! Enjoy it. His jaw was, in a word, structured. Okay? Muscular, strong, clear definition between church and state. All right, boys? We know what you’re doing when you grow a swath of hair there. You’re like, “Oh, maybe she won’t know that it’s all connected.” We know. “Oh, maybe she’ll just fall in love with my dedication to my cats and first-person shooter games.” No, we know what you’re doing. Jaw was strong, girls. Strong. So you know it wouldn’t get tired. Strong.
[audience cheers]
Yeah. There you go. I love that you’re cheering for that. You’re like, “Utah is the go-down-on-me state.”
[audience cheers]
There you go. But it is a mostly female cheer on that joke. And I want to just take a second to talk to the men in my audience, because at the beginning I said I’m on your side, and I’m glad you’re here. Gentlemen, I want you to know stand-up comedy is for you as well, okay? I really believe that the types of men who come to see an Iliza Shlesinger show have impeccable taste in comedy. And I believe that the kind of men who have been supporting me my whole career see me as a comedian, not a female comedian. And I believe that you appreciate the art that I make. And I also think that you enjoy the glimpse into the way that women’s minds work. And I think that you’re sweet men, and I love having you in my crowd. And I really feel like I make my joke, I’m like, “His jaw was strong, so you know it wouldn’t get tired.” And I genuinely feel, boys, that you’re, like, “Tired from what?”
[audience laughs]
That’s most of you. I appreciate that. There’s always one or 2% of guys who got dragged here because they bought me as an early Christmas present for their girlfriend and they’re sitting there like, “Jesus Christ, I’m tired.” “Tired from what? Explaining everything to you women?” “Once again, Christopher Nolan is a god.” [groans] Nolan! Nolan! Okay… Tall, masculine. Body was so masculine, it wasn’t even a man’s body. That’s how manly it was. It wasn’t even a body. It was just the chassis of an F-250. And the last thing I remember before I passed out… was that he had the perfect amount of chest hair.
[woman whoops]
[chuckles] Someone get her some water. Now there is… there is a perfect amount, mind you, okay? Because it was cropping out from under his flannel. Working man’s tartan. And it was cropping out. There is a perfect amount of chest hair. Now, I’m going to set up a joke, but in the setup of that joke, I’m going to use a word that in and of itself is not a bad word, but because of the heightened sense of hysteria on social media, that word will feel charged. And you will hear that word, you won’t know why, but you will reflexively bristle and you will turn on me. You will. But then I’m going to give you the punch line, and then you’re going to be like, “Oh, we were always safe with her.” “Why did we… so viciously turn on her almost an hour in, after we’ve been enjoying?” You don’t want too much chest hair, okay? You don’t want it to be too ethnic. I didn’t say which ethnicity. So that’s on you racist motherfuckers. Whoever you’re thinking about. It’s Persian. Uh, no, you don’t want…
[audience laughs]
I know, all the Asian guys are like, “Whew!” No one wants too much chest hair. When a woman lays her head down on the hairy chest of a man or a woman… [mumbles] …you want just enough chest hair that it feels like a furry Tempur-Pedic, and it cradles… your cervical spine, right in that C4. This is what you want, C5. You don’t want too much chest hair because you don’t want to sink into it like… Okay? We can all agree. So we’re in the airport, we’re talking. I’m sitting on his lap. We’re just sort of getting to know… What? It’s a small airport. I told you that. I set it up at the beginning. No, we were just talking, and he was– He was so good-looking. You ever talk to someone who’s so genetically superior, you just create a whole future for the two of you just in your head? Like, he was talking to me and the whole time, I’m just like, “Maybe we could make it work.” Like, I’m sure if my family saw you… You ever talk to someone who’s so good-looking, you forget how to speak? Male or female. Like, he was so handsome, at one point I was like, “I’m gonna go to the water closet.” The what? [in British accent] I’m going to the water closet. [in normal voice] Why would you say that? No, I’m gonna go to the bathroom. Did you want anything? What? Why? From the bathroom? “Oh, here’s a bouquet of tampons, my love.” Like, what are you fucking? Stupid girl. Idiot. Now he’s never gonna ask us to winter formal. No, we were just standing there. Uh, and I noticed that he had a wedding ring. And so I was like, “Oh, where’s your wife?” Dead, I hope, for us.
No, I saw he had a wedding ring, and quite frankly, I got excited, right? Women like to look at other women, and I knew that she was gonna be beautiful based on what we talked about earlier. I thought, “If he’s this good-looking, she’s gonna be stunning.” Women like to look at other women so that we may steal. And I wanted to… I was so excited to see her because he’s this beautiful, she has to be so exponentially much more stunning, right? She’s gonna be beautiful, right? Right? Wrong! Because they got married at, like, 17. One of these couples that’s been married for 50 years, but they’re only 35. She was a gargoyle. She came running in swinging a Stanley at me. [grunting] [yells] I was like, “Easy, easy.” She was kicking at me. Charms flying off her Crocs. [yelling] I was like, “It’s okay. It’s okay.” This poor woman’s probably been fighting off women her whole life from talking to her hot-as-fuck husband. [yelling] I was like, “It’s okay. It’s okay.” [shushing] Smell, smell, smell. Smell. There you go. It’s okay. Yeah. Yeah, it’s Britney Spears. I know. I’m 41. It’s okay. It’s okay. That’s okay, come over here. Come over here. You’re a pretty girl. No woman had ever been nice to her like that, and I’m a girl’s girl. It’s okay, pretty girl. [yells] No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She was charging at me. No. Sit down. [grunting and growling] No, no, no, no! That’s a pretty bracelet. That’s a pretty bracelet. Where’d you get it? Where’d you get the pretty bracelet? [snarls]
[audience laughs]
[snarls] She was trying to tell me something. She started rearing up like she was gonna declare something. [groaning] I was like, “You can tell me. It’s okay. You can share where you got it with me.” [grunting and snarling] Hey? Hobby Lobby. [snarling] Pretty girl. [audience cheering] And the last thing I have for you this evening is a hill that I am prepared to die on.
[audience whoops and cheers]
No woman… wants to be a bitch… at first. No woman wants to be a bitch. Women become bitches because of systemic societal oppression bullshit and you not listening to me, Steve! But no woman… wants… to be a bitch. What we wanted was equity. What we wanted was safety. What we wanted was fair pay. And instead they put lead in our tampons and they took our pockets!
[audience cheers]
We wanted to be heard. You made us this way. No woman wants to be a bitch. No woman wakes up and sets her morning intention to bitch. No girl, when she’s little, is like, “When I grow up, I’m gonna be a liability.” No woman… wants to be a bitch. Never forget, women are special. We are sacred. There is something so magical about us. And that is why people get violent and mean and horrific when they cannot own a woman. Because everybody wants a woman. Everybody wants to fuck a woman, be a woman, have a woman, appropriate the way a woman is, dress like a woman, have a mother, have a sister. You ever meet a man that has no women in his life? He’s weird. Everyone wants a woman. If you wanted mercy or empathy or softness, you would go to a woman. Women are maternal, and there’s something very magical about that. And you can be maternal without actually being a mother to a human child. And by the way, if you don’t want to be a mother to a child, I will always respect your right and always fight for your right to make that choice for yourself.
[audience cheers]
We, as women, love to take care of things. A baby, a partner, a problem, a society, a community. That little fat cat we were talking about earlier. We want to take care of things. Women see a bunny, and your first thought, girls, is always, “Oh!” “Do baby need a mommy?” Even if that baby has a mommy, you’re like, “Take that mommy away.” “Eat that mommy, give me the baby.” Women, we will be walking our dog and you’ll see another dog very happy, well taken care of with its owner, and your first thought is always like, “I could take better care of that dog.” Like we just… The only time my faith in my ability to take care of my rescue dog is shaken is when I run into lesbians who foster dogs. It’s like the boss of the level. Lesbians who foster dogs will approach your pet in a way you did not know you could walk up to an animal. They get right in and they’re like, “Who’s this angel?” And the dog’s like, “Linda, it’s you!” And you’re just like… “You guys know each other?” “Yeah, from the convention!” Like… Lesbians who foster dogs will ask you very simple questions about your animal. But it feels like a government interrogation. It feels like you’re flying back into the country. Like, “Do I have black tar heroin on me?” I don’t fucking know. “What kind of food you feeding this angel?” You’re like, “Just mostly soup. I don’t know.” It feels like you’re talking to Child Protective Services. You’re just like, “Oh, she has a key. She comes and goes.” Women see the bunny, the baby need the mommy. Men are wired differently, and that’s okay. Men are more aggressive. They are hunters, providers. Men see the bunny, and their first thought is, “Bam!” Get off my lawn. And get on this key chain. Remember the ’90s? That was so fucked up. Why is no one talking about that? You’re eight years old, you’re like, “I’ll take bubble gum and a sticker, and if I could get a dismembered rabbit foot, hollowed out, dyed purple so I can wear it on my belt like a village medicine woman, that would be totally normal for a child.” The baby need the mommy. But no woman wants to be a bitch. And what is so, I guess, weird for me as I deliver this piece of art to you is that I am keenly aware, as I posit the statement, “No woman wants to be a bitch.” I’m keenly aware of the fact not so much that I’m old, right? Because that’s subjective and relative, but that I am getting older, which is absolute. I started doing comedy at 21. I’ve been playing Utah since your ABV levels were low. Okay?
[audience cheers]
Playing Utah since you had weird beer, okay? I started doing comedy at 21, talking about vodka sodas and party goblins and hand jobs. Yes! And I still am talking about hand jobs. But that hand now has retinol on it. What I’m keenly aware of as I deliver these words to you, I say unto you, “No woman wants to be a bitch.” I posit this thesis. I buttress it with arguments and science and act-outs and intelligence. And I am aware that this will get fed into the internet and it will pop out just stitched next to some influencer who’s 23. I’m like, “No woman wants to be a bitch.” “Actually, I love being a bitch, deadass, no cap.” “I love…”
[audience cheering]
“I love being– I’m 23 and I’m a Virgo, so that means something to one out of every 12 people.” “I love…” “I do young-girl things like not wear sunscreen and have sex with my eyes open.” I only say that at the end of the program, just to rip the audience right in half! Any girls who are, like, under 35 or not married, you’re like, “Why wouldn’t you keep them open to behold the Adonis undulating atop you or beside you in the shower?” “It’s amazing.” And those of us who are over 40 or married, we’re just like, “You just keep them closed!”
[audience laughs]
“And think about the guy from the Kansas airport.”
Salt Lake City, I love you. Thank you.
[electronic music playing]
[cheering and applause]
[electronic music continuous]
