[dramatic rap music playing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
San Jose, what’s up?
[audience cheering and applauding]
Nice to see you! What’s happening? What’s going on, Bay Area? Listen to me, tonight, tonight’s gonna be special, San Jose.
[music ends]
You know what I love when I look out here? I love the diversity I see here. [audience laughs and cheers] Not racially. Financially. [audience laughs] [Hasan chuckles jokingly] The good stuff. The stuff that matters. The stuff that’s real. The money, all right? There’s money in this room. But there’s also not money in this room. [audience laughs] That’s the Bay. You’re not as progressive as you think you are, Bay Area. In this room right now, there’s a guy who owns three homes. And he’s sitting directly next to a dude who only owns three hoodies. [audience laughs] And one of y’all’s getting stabbed tonight. It’s probably the landlord.
[laughs]
[audience laughs]
Because it’s all here. I can see it. It’s all here. Whoo-hoo. We got it all here. We got the one percent, right? We got, like, Palo Alto, Los Altos. [audience laughs] You know what I mean? Stanford area, right? Yeah, the one percent. Yeah! Yes. You definitely drive a Tesla. I can see it. [audience laughs] Yeah, the one percent right here, eh? Then way the fuck back there, we have the 99% just… [audience cheering] Hayward, Richmond, East Oakland. Yeah! Yeah, this is your landlord! Kill him! Kill him! Why does he keep raising the rent? [laughs] This is why I had to do it in the Bay. Even when you’re rich in the Bay, you’re poor. [audience laughs] You could be a Google engineer making 900 grand a year, and you have to live in a trap house in East Oakland, and you’re on OnlyFans making them cheeks clap just so you can pay rent. Just so you can pay this uncle rent. Dude, we have Zillow.com, and we’re still a functioning society. How? Do you know what Zillow.com is? Zillow.com is a website where you can type in the address of someone you’re jealous of… [audience laughs] and you can see their mortgage payment. [audience laughs] Dude, we’re never gonna own. Millennials, Gen Z, y’all are never, never gonna own homes.
And it’s our fault.
[woman] Yup. We fumbled the bag. Because for years we were praying to God. “God, please fix the housing crisis.” “Please open up the supply of available homes in this country.” And then, in March of 2020, God was like, “Here.” [audience laughs] “Here’s a disease that specifically kills old people.” [audience laughs] And we were like, “No!” “Wear a mask!” “Save Grandma!” “Stop the spread!” Let it spread. [audience laughs] Let God cook. [audience laughing and cheering] Yeah, we’re idiots, Californians. We’re fucking idiots. Look at all the states that were anti-mask. Plenty of homes. [audience laughs] Nevada, Georgia, Florida. Plenty of homes. Plenty of dead grandmas. These people accept God’s blessings. [audience laughs] All I’m saying is if you were pro-mask, you cannot complain about housing prices. What do you want? You wanna save Grandma or you want a backyard? You can’t have both. [audience laughs] Dude, the same problem with the housing market, these fucking Boomers will not die, is the same problem with the US government.
These fucking Boomers will not die.
[audience cheers]
Our entire government is just a mass nursing home-dot-gov. I mean, it’s fucking… Uncle, why are you clapping? That’s you. You’re like, “Yeah!” What? Even he’s like, “They’re too old, man!” [audience laughs] This is gonna come out right before the election. People are arguing about the president. Fucking zoom out. Look at Congress. There’s 535 members of Congress, and they’re all old as fuck. Dude, Nancy Pelosi is 84 years old. [audience murmuring] Is anyone here 84 years old? [audience laughs] Yeah, of course not! Yes, it’s 7:00 p.m. Of course not! It’s seven o’clock. You’re asleep. Of course you’re not here. Why would you be here? Why the fuck would you be here? People are like, “Oh, Hasan, you’re really ageist.” “That really age…” Yeah, I am capital-A ageist. [audience laughs] Write about it. Substack it. Make it the headline. “I am age…” Age matters. Ask Drake. [audience exclaims] It is a pertinent detail. Hey! Hey! Hey! I thought we were the science people. Progressives, “Trust the science.” “Believe the science. Don’t let your kids on social media.” “The synapses in their brain…” “The synapses in their brain are still develo…” “The synapses.” Senator Chuck Grassley is 90 years old. [audience laughs] What do you think the synapse…? What… [audience cheering] He has the MRI brain scan of an NFL quarterback. It’s fucking applesauce up there. Why don’t we treat our politicians the same way we treat our professional athletes? Here in America, the moment you lose just a little bit of edge as an athlete, we fucking turn on you. [audience laughs] Within two years. Even the GOATs, right? Michael Jordan with the Wizards. Kobe with the Achilles. Look at the way that we treated Tom Brady. The moment Tom Brady couldn’t give us an eighth Super Bowl, we were like, “Brady, you got two more years.” This motherfucker lost to the Rams, right? “One more year, Brady.” Then this motherfucker lost to the Cowboys. “Bring this old geezer to the back of the shed.” “Let’s put two bullets into his skull.” “Let’s tear apart his marriage. Let’s ridicule his children.” “Let’s roast his ass on Netflix in 190 countries and just piss all over his legacy.” Just, “Tudum!”
[audience whooping]
[laughs] Now look at Ruth Bader Ginsburg. [audience exclaims] Eighty-seven years old! Ruth Bader Ginsburg battled cancer, five times in the last 20 years of her life. And Barack Obama was like, “Please, Ruth, for the love of God, retire so I can replace you.” And this geriatric coffin-dodger was like, “Fuck you, Barry.” [audience laughs] “I’ll see you in fucking hell.” [audience laughs] And every progressive was like, “Yas, queen!” “Notorious RBG.” If we treated Ruth Bader Ginsburg the same way we treated Tom Brady, abortion would still be legal in all 50 states. [audience cheering and whooping] You know what’s interesting? Depending on where I do that joke, the audience reacts very differently. Sometimes when I do that joke, Trump fans get mad at me. Sometimes Biden fans get mad at me. But here’s my thing. Why are you a fan? [audience laughs] You know? Like, you’re like a fan of a president. You have like a T-shirt. You have like a poster on the wall. Like, “This is my guy!” “He’s my…” Like, being a fan of a politician is like being a fan of a national bank. [audience laughs] Imagine walking through downtown San Jose and seeing some loser with a T-shirt. Just like, “Citibank!” You see another guy, “No, fuck you, bro! Wells Fargo!”
[audience laughs]
“Do you wanna be on the right side of history?” It’s like, dude, I’ve banked with both. They will disappoint you for different reasons. Because I’ve met these people. I’ve met all of them. I’m part of the Illuminati. [audience laughs] They all reach out to me during election season. They think I’m the brown whisperer. [audience laughs] They think if we have lunch, I’ll blow the conch. Know what I mean? I’ll be like… [imitates blowing conch shell] “Browns… we must vote for Andrew Yang!” [audience laughs and applauds] No, why are you clap… No, don’t clap! They’re all fucking insane. I am 38 years old. This will be the tenth presidential cycle of my lifetime. Every president in my lifetime goes into office a sociopath and then leaves a war criminal. [whoops] Because they all want one thing. You know what they want? They want the ring. Ooh, they want the ring of power. They want it. They want it more than marriage, more than family. More than their kids. Look at Hillary Clinton. Look at how bad Hillary Clinton wanted to be president. Hillary Clinton wanted to be president so bad, she was willing to sit in the same office… [audience exclaiming] Not a different office. Not a replica House of Cards office. The Oval Office. That is sociopathic ambition. That’s why there’s so many Indians in politics. [audience laughs] Bro, we got sociopathic ambition. In one generation, look how many Indians there are in politics, running the highest offices around the world. One generation. Rishi Sunak. Nikki Haley. Vivek Ramaswamy. Half of Kamala Harris when she wants our vote. We are fucking killing it!
[audience cheering]
[Hasan laughs] Dude… Look at the Republican Party. There are more Indians in the Republican Party than my bachelor party. [audience laughs] And right now it’s wild. Y’all, more minorities with melanin, ooh, joining the hard-R Republicans. It’s happening more than ever. And all my white NPR tote-bag friends, it fries their brain. They’re like, “What the fuck is going on?” “Why are all these Mexicans voting for Donald Trump?” [audience laughs] “He calls them rapists!” I’m like, “Chelsea… do you know what I would let a politician call me if I could pay zero percent federal income tax?” [audience laughs] “I would let you body-cavity search me at every airport.” “Spit in my mouth and call me a terrorist.” [imitates spitting] Daddy wants to pay zero-percent FICA. That’s the thing Caucasia will never understand about Beige-istan. We are way more practical than we are progressive. [audience laughing and cheering]
Sir, what’s your name?
Nicholas. Nicholas. Great, perfect.
[audience laughs]
[laughs] You’re clapping at “Beige…” Do you know what Beige-istan is?
Sort of.
Okay. You’re like, “Sort of”? Gentlemen, let me bring you into this as well.
My good sir, what’s your name?
Vlad. Vlad. Perfect. And…?
Ian.
…Ian. Okay. So there’s… There’s white America. There’s Black America. Then there’s Beige-istan. [audience laughs] And, I mean, that’s just everybody. Indians, Latinos, Filipinos, wherever the fuck Bruno Mars is from. Beige-istan. Right? Okay? Listen, Beige-istan, we got four issues. Politicians, they pander to us. We just got four issues. You do these four, we’ll vote for you. Send this to the governor. These are the four issues. Number one. Give me a green card. [audience laughing and cheering] [laughs] You see that? Everyone, “I’ll suck your dick! Give me that green card!” “Give me an H-1B!” Number two. Believe in God. Preferably one of the religions that makes you feel bad after you masturbate.
[audience laughs]
Those are the real ones. Number three. I told you, I don’t like paying taxes. [audience laughs] Number four. Don’t bomb my home country. [audience cheering and whooping] But if you give me number one… I’ll let you do number four. [Hasan laughs maniacally] The way you leaned into him, you know what I’m talking about! You know the Beige guilt. We feel so much Beige guilt. Oh! We talk about white guilt all the time. You know what you did. God knows what you did, right? Black people, you have no guilt. That’s why you guys can dance, right? You didn’t hurt anybody. Like, “Look at the rhythm.” He can’t dance. Like, “Slavery!” Fuck, right? It’s too much. It’s too much. But Beige guilt’s different. Beige guilt, we’re immigrants. We’re immigrants by choice. We know the world is like Star Wars. You have the Empire ran by Lord Vader, that’s America. [audience laughs] The Empire has all the money, the weapons, the military bases all over the galaxy. And for the past half-century, the Empire has been bombing the shit out of the Rebellion. That’s Beige-istan. Cambodia, Korea, Vietnam, Japan. [scats “The Imperial March
Darth Vader’s Theme”] [imitates explosion then screams] Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Gaza. [scats “The Imperial March
Darth Vader’s Theme”] [imitates explosion then screams] Then in 1982, my dad got a green card to go live in the Empire. And for the past 40 years, we’ve been funding the destruction of Tatooine. And we did all that… for a white BMW 3 Series. [audience laughing and whooping] Which ironically looks like a Stormtrooper. [audience laughs] I’m joking, by the way. I don’t own a white BMW 3 Series. I lease… [audience laughs] …a 2023 Kia Carnival. I lease it. So if you wanna fact-check me, I just wanna let you know, I lease a 2023 Kia Carnival, $431 a month. We leased it from Columbia Kia. We got it at the Summer Kia Sales Event. You can get a brand-new Kia Sorento or Kia Carnival for zero down, zero APR financing. The Kia Summer Sales Event starts now. Kia, movement that inspires. I have to do this now, you guys. I have to be factually accurate. Because I don’t know if you saw this last year. The New Yorker fact-checked my stand-up comedy.
[audience whooping]
[laughs] Yeah. They were just like, “Ah! Ho-ho-ho! Breaking news. Magicians aren’t wizards.” And now, now I have a “controversies” tab on my Wikipedia. [audience laughing and applauding] No! Why are you… No! Don’t clap! What are you doing? Why are you clapping? What the fuck is wrong… It’s a dorky controversy. What is wrong with you guys? It’s not even a good one. I didn’t fuck a porn star. [audience laughs] I didn’t diddle a boy. [audience laughs] I got caught embellishing for dramatic effect. [audience laughs] Same crime your aunt is guilty of over Thanksgiving. [audience laughs] [audience cheering and whooping] You know what’s wild? This is the greatest irony. The greatest irony of all of this is that if you want to call me out for being a liar, you don’t have to fact-check my stand-up comedy. I’m a heterosexual man. [audience laughs] I lie all the time. [audience laughs] I let that shit fly like Steph. Like, I’m just like, “Lie.” Oh! Lie. Like, let it fly. Over dumb shit. Stupid… I’ll be at CVS checking out. Just… [imitating scanner beeping] Like, “Oh, my God. Hey!” “Um, do you wanna donate to the American Diabetes Association?” I’ll be like, “Oh, yeah, maybe later.” I’m never donating. [audience laughs] And both my parents have diabetes.
[audience exclaiming and laughing]
[Hasan laughs] Yes! You can’t guilt… No, don’t you fucking judge me. I have already donated to the Minhaj Diabetes Association. I bought my dad a fucking Peloton. He never uses it. [audience laughs] He only uses it to hang his wet towels. He’s like, “Oh, look at that. Wow.” “Look at how fast it dries, Hasan. Wow! Why aren’t you donating?” I’m like, “Why aren’t you pedaling?” Let’s start with the problem and not the symptom. I’m never donating. And I’m definitely getting diabetes. That’s the crazy part. And I should care. I’m almost 40 years old. I can feel it. The midlife crisis has hit. There’s a lot of guys my age, around this age. I can feel it in the room. Every guy my age is trying to get rich or ripped as quickly as possible. [audience laughs] Just software engineers out here biohacking. Fucking cold-plunging. Fucking doing Brazilian jujitsu. Fucking doing this shit. [audience laughs] Fucking flipping tires. Idiots. Idiots. Fucking pharmacist hard pivoting into financial experts. Getting into crypto. Idiots. Every woman in my life, y’all could not be bothered by crypto fucking currency. You’re just like, “Nah.” “I know what this is.” “I had an aunt that sold Avon. This is some bullshit.” [audience cheering] “This is Herbalife for men.” Go back upstairs and keep playing fantasy football, you fucking idiot. [audience laughs] How old are you, my man?
17.
17? So you were looking into crypto for sure. [laughs] You know what it is? I’m part of a generation of men that don’t read, but listen to podcasts. [audience laughs] Terrifying. All my homeys out here texting me alpha-male memes, just… “Hard times make hard men.” “Hard men make good times.” “Good times make soft men.” “A society will never value its men until the wolves are at the door.” I’m like, “Sanjay, you’re a software engineer.” “Shut the fuck up.” Why… [audience cheering and whooping] Why are you texting me like you’re Julius Caesar? “Whatever, bro.” “Mamba mentality.” Mamba mentality! Sanjay, you blew your knee out playing pickleball and you’re quoting Kobe Bryant. If Kobe knew you were quoting him, he’d put you in a helicopter and crash that shit himself. [audience exclaiming] [man coughing] You okay, bro? Don’t die. You all right? [audience laughs] [laughs] It wasn’t… How old are you, bro?
I’m 19.
You’re 19. Big chain poppin’! Ooh! [laughs] [Hasan laughs] There’s a lot of chains on right now. Just a lot of, “Ooh.” A lot of just Desi Drake energy here tonight. The way y’all are lined up is fucking Algebra 2 Trig, just like, ta-ta! Ninety-degree angle just fucking make it. Make it perpendicular. Ladies, you wanna know why all these guys secretly listen to Jordan Peterson?
[woman 1] Why?
[woman 2] Why? I’ll tell you why. I’ll tell you. We’re scared. We’re so afraid that the best is behind us. The best hairline. [audience laughs] The best body. The best dick. [audience laughs] Back there. You’re 17, right? [scoffs] I remember 17, man. How old are you?
[man] I’m 39.
You’re 39? Remember when you were 17? Remember when your shit was just like, pow! Remember when it was just… [yells] Right? It was like the Bruce Lee one-inch punch. You’re just like… [yells] [audience laughs] You remember that shit, man? When I’d be at a urinal, it was just… Tsst! Tsst! Tsst! It was like a laser. It was just like fucking SEAL Team Six taking out Osama bin Laden. Just, “Got him!” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, “Clear! Got him!” Right? And now, 38, my shit is just… Whoo. It’s just… Pew! It’s just like an Israeli drone strike. Just… Oh fuck, it’s a school. Oh fuck, it’s a church. Oh, fuck, it’s a refugee camp. I didn’t mean for it to go there. [audience laughs] [Hasan laughs] Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh! [laughs] That really divided the room. You know, it’s interesting. That’s every issue in America now. Everything is binary now. War, the economy, politics, it’s just two sides. It’s not what the media’s telling you. It’s not rich versus poor. It’s not Black versus white. It’s not Democrats versus Republicans. It’s insane people and insufferable people.
[audience laughs]
That’s it! All right? [audience cheering and whooping] [Hasan laughs] You know the insane people. You know them. You went to high school with them. They’re still on Facebook. They have a gun in their Facebook profile photo. You’re like, “Whoa, Travis.” “What up?” “Where were you January 6th?” [audience laughs] They’re nuts. They’re nuts. But Travis is fun. [audience laughs] Then there’s the insufferable people. [sighs] [clicks tongue] A lot of them are here tonight. [audience laughs] Just these dorky-ass, teacher’s pet, hall monitors. Just, “No, no, no, no, no!” “No, but actually.” “No, but tech…” These vitamin D-deficient, mouth-breathing, insufferable lo… “You said this, but it’s actually this. You wrote this, but…” “Did you see my Slack? I pinged you.” These insufferable losers that pick pointless fights. The type of insufferable losers that will go on a daytime talk show like Ellen and get mad at Ellen DeGeneres for mispronouncing their name. I mean, what type of insufferable fucking loser would do such a thing?
[audience cheering and whooping]
Yeah, that was me. I was that person. Yes, that’s a rhetorical question. Yes, you were 13 when this happened. Years ago, I went on Ellen’s talk show and I go, “Hey, Ellen.” “Hey, Ellen DeGeneres.” “My name isn’t Hasan Minhaj.” “It’s Hasan Minhaj.” “Say it right.” “This is the name of my ancestors.” Of course she couldn’t say it right. Because she’s Ellen. [audience laughs] She’s a 65-year-old white billionaire who lives in Montecito. She can’t speak Urdu. [audience laughs] She’s Ellen, she’s not a Sufi poet. [audience laughs] And ever since I fought this pointless fight, people say my name worse. [audience laughs] People run up to me in the street and they shout the wrong name at me with vigor. [audience laughs] Like they’re trying to score points on Duolingo. [audience laughs] They’re just like, “Hussein!” [audience laughing] “Hummus!” “Hamas!” Ding, ding, ding! “Yes! Yes! Yes!” “I knew his name was Hamas!” “Five letters. Starts with an H.” “He looks like a Hamas.”
[audience laughs]
“Take me to the tunnels.” I’m like, “I don’t know where they are.” Oh, no. Ian! My life is perfect and I’m out here arguing with Ellen over vowels. Why did I do that? Why did I… Why wasn’t… [muttering] Why did I do that? I was so insufferable. I used to make fun of my Chinese friends for having two names. Yeah. I used to make fun of Ronny Chieng for being an Asian sellout. [audience laughs] Wait, you think Ronny Chieng’s real name is Ronny Chieng? [audience laughs] Look at his face. Look at his Chinese-Malay… No! His real name is Xin Yi Chieng. But he knows if he meets Ian… Ian will be like, “Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, streaming now on Disney Plus.” So instead…
[audience cheering and whooping]
…he goes, “Hi!” “I’m Ronald McDonald.” “Nice to meet you.” “Here to bring shareholder value to the company.” “Call me Ron-Ron.” [audience laughs] Because Chinese people are smart. They know you have to have a Chinese name, and then Americans-are-dumb-as-fuck name. [audience laughs] But I was the problem. “No…” [muttering] “It’s the point!” And it bit me in the ass. I remember I used to close my set with this joke. In New York City it would be my closer. I’d be like, “Ronny Chieng is an Asian sellout, good night!” I’m leaving the club. And this woman in the audience gets up and chases me into the street. She was like, “Excuse me.” “Oh, ho-ho! I could be a normal person, but I have a point to prove.” [audience laughs] And I’m not gonna say her ethnicity… [audience laughs] [audience laughs] …but her name was Ashley. [audience laughs] E-I-G-H. Just…
[audience exclaims]
[yells] “Excuse me. Can I see the manager?” “Hi! Hello. Hi.” “Hey stop.” “Hello.” “Hmph.” [audience laughs] “I saw your skit back there.” “And I have to say, ‘really?'” “Really?” “Making fun of Asian names.” “These are the jokes we’re making with our platform?” [audience laughs] “Um, Hagh-hen…” “India is a part of Asia.” “Do better.” [audience laughs] And I was like, “Ash-league… [audience laughs] …no the fuck it’s not.” “There’s Indians and there’s Asians.” [audience laughing and whooping] “And we don’t fuck with each other.” [audience laughs] “In fact, Ashley-egg… you can’t stop Asian hate because Asians all hate…” [woman] Each other! “…each other,” thank you! “Furthermore, Ashleg-ha… here’s a dirty little secret.” “White people… [scoffs] …you’re not even the best at racism.” [audience cheering and whooping] [laughs] Wait, no, don’t get me wrong, they had a lot of hits. They had some bangers, right? Slavery, Jim Crow. Just, mwah, classics. But… But… some new teams have emerged to compete for the title. [audience laughs] See, now this is important. Fact-check me here. See, when white people are racist, they’re racist against people that don’t look like them. [audience laughs] Which is wrong. But it kind of makes sense. Asian people? [audience laughs] We hate people who look exactly fucking like us.
[audience cheering and whooping]
In fact… if you touch countries with us… [laughs maniacally] …we hate you even more! It’s fucking crazy. Look at us, right? Hindustanis, Indians. Who do we shit on?
[man] Pakistanis!
Pakistanis, right? Pakistanis. You shit on Bengalis. Bengalis, you shit on Sri Lankans. Sri Lankans shit on Nepalese people. That’s just the hairy Asians. [audience laughs] Let’s talk about the hairless Asians, shall we? They’re here. Let’s talk about them. Let’s air it out. Let’s say what we can’t say at the DEI meeting. Let’s just get it out, right? Right? Chinese people. Yes! You shit on Koreans, right? Koreans shit on Japanese people. Japanese people shit back on Koreans. Both of those people shit on Chinese people. Meanwhile, Taiwan and Tibet, they’re like, “Hey!” “What about us?” And China’s like, “Shut the fuck up.” “You don’t even exist.” [laughs] Oh. Oh. You think Fox News dads are the problem? You think Ian’s dad is the problem? [laughs] Really? Try talking race relations with an Indian or Chinese father. Try asking this Indian uncle what he thinks of Black people. Oh, fuck!
Oh, ho-ho! Oh!
[audience exclaiming] Enter the 36 chambers of fucking insanity. Try… [laughs] He’ll be like, “The phones are locked, right?” It’ll be fucking crazy. Try explaining George Floyd to an Indian dad. Oh, I did. Oh, we all did. June, 2020. I’m upstairs in Sacramento, in my childhood bedroom. My dad runs into my bedroom panting. “Oh my God, Hasan, are you watching the news?” “Why is Target on fire?” [audience laughs] This was his line. Target is ablaze. The civil war has begun. Where will I get my towels to hang over my Peloton? [audience cheering and whooping] And I was like, “Dad, stop it.” This is an important moment in our nation’s history. For the first time in 40 years, Beige-istan has been asked to pick a team.
[audience laughs]
And we have to pick a team tonight. My dad’s like, “What are the teams?” [audience laughs] I’m like, “All right, Dad, sit down.” This is important. Let me just explain this to you. [sighs] All right, Dad, there’s two teams. All right? So there’s Black Lives Matter. All right? Black people are saying, “Hey, treat us like human beings.” Then there’s All Lives Matter. And they’re like, “Hey.” “No!” [audience cheering and whooping] [laughs] Those are the teams. Which team do you wanna pick? And he’s like, “Hasan, both of these people are idiots.” No one matters. [audience laughing and whooping] What? “What’s your GPA? I’ll tell you if you matter.” I mean, this dude is fucking Thanos. I go, “Dad, never say this in public. Don’t go to work and say this.” “We live in America.” “This is a multiracial democracy, Dad, all right?” “We’re trying to unspool the vestiges of white supremacy.” He’s like, “Hasan, white supremacy isn’t real.” “Don’t let them colonize your mind, man.”
[audience laughs]
“Come to my office.” You know, every dad has an office. It’s just some room in the house with dusty filing cabinets and a Windows 95 CD-ROM drive. He goes, “Hey, come sit before my Compaq Presario that I’ve had for the past 28 years.” “Sit here. I have to teach you a lesson.” My dad, on his computer, has pulled up a PDF of the US census. It is queued up to income by ethnicity. He’s like, “Read it.” [speaks in Urdu] Okay. These are the highest earners by ethnicity. Number one. Indian Americans. [audience cheering] Average dual, median income, $120,000 per year. [man] Wow. I know, that’s nothing in the Bay. [audience laughs] [laughs] I heard a guy, “Wow.” Number two. Distant second. [audience laughs] Whites. Parentheses, non-Hispanics.
[audience laughs]
Racist. Yo, the US government is so racist. They’re like, “None of you light-skinned, Bad Bunny-looking Latinos.” “None of you Ricky Martin, Pau Gasol-looking Latins.” “We want purebred, Viking, Mayflower white.” Average dual, median income, $76,000 per year. My dad goes, “Hasan, you see that?” [audience laughs] “Ha. Even on their best day, the white man is three-fifths of an Indian.” [audience cheering and whooping] [laughs] I know. Yo! Bars, Dad. Fucking bars. Up top, Pops. Up top. He’s like, “Now look how much Jews make.” I’m like, “No, no, no. I’m not doing that.” “Come on, man. It’s for research.” I go, “That sounds worse.” Don’t say it’s for research. But that’s my dad. He’s Mufasa, I’m Simba. He lives within me.
[audience laughs]
And now I have a four-year-old son. I can’t teach him that. [laughs] I can’t be like, “Hey, son, no one matters.” Mwah! “Go live your life.” [audience laughs] “Life is nothing but an elephant graveyard.” I can’t do that. I remember I was back home in Sacramento. I was visiting my parents because they have diabetes. [audience laughs] This is a powerful moment in my life. Because I have two children now. I have my kids and I have my parents. [audience laughs] I’m sitting in between. We’re sitting on the couch. Seventy-four-year-old dad. Four-year-old son. I’m in the middle. And they’re both just screaming into their iPads. [audience laughs] They’re like, “It’s not working!” “It’s not working!” “It’s not working!” “It’s not working!” Right? I’m like, “I’m here, don’t you cry.” “Don’t you cry.” [speaks in Urdu] “Don’t you cry. I’m here.” I’m the halftime show. I have to figure out, what am I taking from this old man and passing on to my son? What is some shit I got to delete?
[audience laughs]
That’s our biggest challenge, right? How do we break generational trauma? We have to figure out, what’s an heirloom that we take from our past and pass on? And what is some baggage we gotta leave at Goodwill? [audience laughs] Because our parents, they fucked us up. They gave us a lot of baggage. But at the same time, there’s a lot of beautiful heirlooms that our parents gave us in Beige-istan that we took for granted. Uncle, we took this for granted. Here’s something you gave your children that they took for granted. No matter how bad you fuck up in Beige-istan, tax evasion, fraud, stand-up comedy… [audience laughs] …you can always go home. In fact…
[audience cheering and whooping]
…our parents’ greatest dream would be if we never left home. I’m almost 40 years old. I have a wife, I have two kids. My mom’s greatest dream would be if I moved back upstairs to my childhood bedroom. Just quietly having an orgasm underneath the Scottie Pippen poster, just… Just, “Oh, babe, keep it down.” “Sweetheart, my mom’s downstairs. Just be quiet.” My mom would be thrilled. “Wow, my son is climaxing under Toy Story sheets.” “This is what I always wanted.” “Our khandan is together.” She would come in with sliced fruit, just… “Kids, do you want apples?” I’d be like, “Mom!” [audience laughs] “I told you, I like peanut butter!” [audience laughs] “Bring me peanut butter!” But Ritz-cracker Americans? Purebred capital-A Americans? No, no, no, no, no. Zero to eighteen, you get to live at home. The day you turn 18… I’ve been to the graduation party. Dad gets on the mic. “Travis!” “Ha, ha. Happy graduation, bud.” “Get the fuck out of my house!”
[audience whooping]
“The next time you walk through that door, you better PayPal me, bitch.” I mean, this… [audience laughs] This is why there’s so many homeless people in America. None of these people can go home. [audience laughs] Oh, are you getting uptight? You getting uptight? Really? Really? Let me ask you a question, San Jose. Have you ever seen an Indian homeless person in America? [audience cheering and whooping] Huh? No. Hey, I’ll bet you a Kia Carnival. [audience laughs] Let’s go to the worst part of the Bay… Let’s go to the Tenderloin tonight, all right? Just imagine seeing a 5’7″ bespeckled Indian man. Cardboard cutout, “Hungry, homeless.” “I need help.” You’d be like, “Rajif?” [audience laughs] “Go home.” [audience laughs] “Come home. Live… What are you doing? Get in the car.” [audience laughs] [laughs] Okay, to be fair. To be fair… There are a lot of Indian homeless people in India. [audience laughs] There’s like a lot. They’ve won the Oscar, they made documentaries, it’s crazy. [laughs]
Where’s your family from originally?
Bangalore.
Bangalore? Ever been back?
Yeah. You remember when you go back to the motherland, back to Beige-istan, and you’re sitting in the rickshaw with your mom the first time.
Right? 17, you’re young.
They walk up… Yeah, then the kid with one arm walks up to the… Starts banging on the window with the stub, just… “Madam! Madam!” “Please, madam, please!” [speaks in Urdu] “Give me one rupee, please.” Then your mom, she’s a piece of shit. She goes, “Don’t look at them!” “Don’t you look at them. They’ll steal your soul!” “Don’t look at them!” And she goes, “I’m sorry!” “I’m sorry, I don’t have any money. I have to buy jewelry.” [audience laughs] “I have to buy bangles. Do you understand?” “See, bangles, they go on your arms.” “But you don’t have any arms, so you wouldn’t understand.” [audience laughs] “And me getting bangles is more important than you eating.” Am I lying? Am I lying? Go into any Desi woman’s closet. That shit is like the cave scene from Aladdin, just… “Touch nothing but the lamp.” I mean, auntie, look at you. Just fucking bedazzled. You just robbed pirates. Look, just… Ah! Just fucking rapper bling. [audience laughs] You know all those kids, right?
[boy] Huh?
You know, when you sit in the rickshaw. And all those kids surround your car like The Walking Dead? [hisses] Right? [audience laughs] They’re all related. They’re all family. That’s what I want for my kids. [audience laughs] I’m not giving them shit. I want them to beg as a family. [audience laughs] But they can live with me. That I will allow. Mi casa, su casa. Come and go as you please. No boundaries. We don’t believe in boundaries. [audience laughs] [laughs] Okay, let me ask you a question. Watch me hit this… This is a Tim Duncan bank shot. Watch me land this joke perfect. Okay? I’m 38. He’s 17, right?
What’s your name?
Sunaad.
What’s that?
Sunaad. Sunaad? Watch this. Sunaad, growing up, could you close your bedroom door and then lock the bedroom? Of course not! This is what I’m talking about! No! If I… [audience cheering and whooping] If I locked my bedroom door, that shit would turn into The Shining within sec… “Hey! Hey! Hey!” “Are you watching pornography?” And it’s like… [audience laughs] [audience whooping] I am. [audience laughs] But it’s none of your business. “Never lock the door!” Why? Why? Uncle, why? What’s the logic? Why? Why can’t we… It doesn’t make sense! “Never lock the door.” I tried to explain this to my… “Dad, what if I have to go to the bathroom and take a dump?” [audience laughs] He’s like, “Then close the door.” “But don’t lock it.” [audience laughs] “I might have to take a shower.”
[audience laughing and whooping]
You laugh. No, no, no, you laugh. That’s how much my dad loves me. He’s willing to take a hot shower in my shit fumes. [audience laughs] Just… [singing in Urdu] [imitates farting] That is love. [audience laughs] You wish your dad knew your scent, Ian. But no. No, no, no. In Caucasia, you love your boundaries. “Boundaries!” “Hey, Mom? Boundaries!” “Mom? Hey, bitch, these are my boundaries, you bitch.” “I know I ripped through your vagina to your taint, but these are my boundaries, you bitch.” Not only are you obsessed with emotional boundaries, you’re obsessed with physical boundaries. You literally pick the boundaries for the entire world. [audience laughs] You’re like, “Oh…” [audience whooping] “Africa, here are your boundaries.” “Asia, here are your boundaries.” “Middle East, here are your boundaries.” “Peace.” No, there’s no peace. [audience laughs] We’re around the corner from the election. What’s the biggest issue that the Republicans are using in regards to your safety?
[man] The border.
The border. [audience laughs] A bunch of Republican senators are out here acting like hormonal teenagers. They’re like, “Hey, Mexico.” [audience laughs] “Respect our boundaries.” [audience laughs] Then there’s a bunch of Mexican uncles at the border. They’re like, “Señor, why is the door locked?” [audience laughs] [speaks in Spanish] “Why is the door locked? Esta es mi casa.” “Don’t ever lock the door!” World War III is about to pop off because disputes over what? Boundaries! Boundaries. That’s gonna be the downfall of Western civilization. Sunaad, do you know what our downfall will be? [man] What? Hoarding! [audience laughs] Our parents love to hoard. [man whoops] Everything, just fucking Subway napkins. Ha, ha! Taco Bell fire sauce. Red crushed pepper from Dominos.
Just poverty mentality.
[audience cheering and whooping] Go into any immigrant household. Go to the drawer next to the spoons. [audience cheering and whooping] “Why do you have six kilos of Parmesan cheese… [audience laughs] …from Round Table Pizza?” “You can take my green card, but you can’t take my Parmesan cheese!” [man whoops] Not only do our parents physically hoard, they emotionally hoard. [audience laughs] Oh, every grievance, every trauma. Right here. Right here. Every time you fuck up, “I’ll remember.” They never clear cookies and cache. [audience laughs] My parents, they’ve been together 40 years. Okay, they’ve been adjacent for 40 years. [audience laughs] I’ve never seen them hug. I’ve never seen them kiss. They’re just planking in their stubbornness. Just, “Fuck you!” “No, fuck you!” “Fuck you!” “You die!” “No, you die, that way I get the house and I can talk shit about you to the grandkids!” I had to have an intervention. I go, “Mom, Dad!” “You clearly don’t like each other.”
[audience laughs]
“You obviously don’t love each other.” “So either get a divorce, or go to therapy.” And my dad’s like, “Hasan, I’m not paying someone $200… [audience laughs] …when we can argue in this kitchen for free.” [audience laughing and whooping] And now I’m in therapy. Because I don’t wanna end up like them. But here’s the thing, I don’t think it works. Do you have friends that are in therapy, but they’re still shitty people? All my friends that are therapied up are the most mentally ill people that I know. They’ve just learned fancy words to avoid accountability. I have a friend that still owes me money for a concert. I tried to call him on it. I was like, “Scott, you owe me $350.” He’s like, “I hear you.” [audience laughs] “I receive you.” “But I don’t have the bandwidth.” I’m like, “Dammit, Scott!” Get more bandwidth. [audience laughs] Look, therapy’s important, but it is not a flex. Stop bragging about it. “I’m doing the work.” “I’m unpacking my tru…” I don’t need you to unpack. I need you to change.
[audience laughing and whooping]
You know what it is? Therapy has to be like a haircut. You can’t tell us about it. We have to notice the difference. [audience laughing and whooping] Listen, man, I’m telling you from experience, I’ve done it all. Don’t waste your money. I’ve done it all. I’ve done all the therapies. CBT. Couples therapy, immersive therapy. Let me just say this, okay? If you go to therapy, you deserve a therapist that understands you culturally. [audience cheering] Because I’ve had all the therapists, okay? I had Janet, okay? Janet didn’t cut it. [audience laughs] Janet, big-scarf energy. Buddha statue. She’s never been to Asia. I was her little anthropology experiment. She’s like, “Interesting, fascinating. This is like a trip to the Orient.” “You know, Hasan, every time we’re in a session and your phone goes off and it says ‘Mom cell, ‘ ‘Dad… ‘ You have this need to pick up.” You go, “boop.” “Why?” “Why?” “Can we talk about boundaries?” [audience laughs] And I’m like, “Janet, shut the fuck up.”
[audience laughs]
You guys are individualists. We’re collectivists. How do I get you to understand where I’m coming…? “Okay, Janet, pretend this doesn’t say ‘Mom cell.'” “Pretend it says ‘dog cell.'” “Can I pick up?” [audience laughs] She’s like, “Of course!” I’m like, “What’s up, dog? You good?” “Oh my God, Janet, My dog needs insulin.” “Should I give her insulin or establish boundaries?” She goes, “What kind of dog?” “A goldendoodle.” “Not your goldendoodle!” I go, “I know.” [laughing] Oh! I see the dog people are in their feelings right now. [laughs] Oh, shit. My buddy Prashanth told me, he’s like, “Hasan, do not do the dog material on Netflix.” “Dogs are sacred in America.” “Talk about something less controversial, like the Middle East.”
[audience laughing and whooping]
[laughs] But it’s not… No! It’s insane. It’s fucking insane. There are… “I love my dog.” “My dog is a member of my family.” You people are out of your fucking minds. “But you don’t… you don’t get it.” “You don’t get it.” “Once you lock eyes…” No, no, no, I get it. The only reason why you love your dog is because you’re never in trouble with your dog. You’re a piece of shit, and your dog is too dumb to know that you’re a piece of shit. [audience laughing and whooping] You love your dog. And you love your mom. But only one of them gets to live in your home. [audience laughs] Oh, ho-ho, but best believe the day your dog is able to talk, and it’ll happen in our lifetime… [audience laughs] …and he’s like, “Hey!” “Why are your pillowcases so dirty?” [audience laughs] You’ll be like, “Chauncey… boundaries.” [audience laughs] [Hasan laughs] What was I expecting? Why the fuck was I listening to Janet give me opinions on how to deal with immigrant parents? We fired Janet. “Janet, you’re out.” “Jithra, you’re in.”
[audience laughs]
Now we have a South Asian therapist. She gets it. Jithra’s downloaded all the seasons of our culture’s trauma, okay? She knows all the baggage we wanna get rid of. She knows all the heirlooms we wanna pass on. She knows that we’re building a new future for our kids. I remember in one of our sessions, like ten minutes in, she cut me off, she goes, “Hasan, I know what’s wrong. I’m not supposed to, but I’ll tell you.” I go, “Jithra, this is what the fuck I’m talking about!” “You know we love shortcuts.” “Be direct. Talk to me.” She goes, “I don’t know if anyone’s told you this, Hasan, but you’re pretty manic.” “Now, you have something that the eldest child in every family from Beige-istan has.” [woman] Whoo! “The eldest child always has something called, ‘Good kid syndrome.'”
[audience whooping and applauding]
“The eldest child of the family feels like they have to take care of everybody in the family.” “Oh, Mom needs this.” “Oh, but your dad needs this.” “Your sister said this, but your brother did that.” “Your aunt’s doing this, but your uncle did this.” “And you feel like you have to plug every hole.” “But you’re always one hole behind.” [audience laughs] And I go, “That’s how I feel.” [audience laughs] “You probably feel really anxious around your loved ones.” “I feel so anxious.” [audience laughs] “You probably have a lot of secrets.” I go, “I have so many secrets.” “Dark secrets.” I go, “They’re fucking dark, Jithra.” “Now, if you wanna cast a light on that darkness, we really need to talk about your kinks.” [audience laughs] What? “What are your kinks, Hasan?” We don’t talk about this in Beige-istan. Individual pleasure. BDSM, sadism, voyeurism, torture, humiliation. [imitates whip cracking] Whipping. “What’s your kink?” And I… Acceptance. [audience laughs] That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I don’t want a ball gag.
[audience cheering and applauding]
I don’t want latex. Just put me in a padded room with my wife and my dad, and have them gently whisper in my ear. “Hey, big boy.” “Guess what?” “No one is mad at you.” [audience laughs] And I will cream my pants. This is my wife’s kink, all right? We’re in a padded room. My dad’s not there. [audience laughs] And I whisper in her ear. And I go, “Hey, babe.” “Guess what?” “When my mom is old and decrepit, I won’t let her live with us.” [audience laughs] [Hasan] Ho, ho! I see a lot of women clapping! Really? Really? I thought we were the good progressives. I thought we support all women. Except my mother-in-law. Fuck that bitch! Really? That’s where our beautiful collective spirit dies. It dies at mother-in-law? Dude, I’m in the session. My wife’s kink is boundaries. I go, “Babe, we cannot have this.” “I know my parents are insane, but we cannot do this.” “Let’s not even be progressive. Let’s be practical.” “If we kick our parents out and our kids see it… [audience laughing] …we might be the first Indian homeless people in America.”
[audience whooping]
Because best believe 40 years from now, we’re both gonna be built like gulab jamuns. I’ll have diabetes. Both of our knees are gonna be replaced. I’ll have the CPAP machine. I’ll be 80. Thinking about running for president. Imagine this. Think about it. In 40 years, what if we show up with the CPAP machine and the cane? What if we show up to our son’s door and he’s got a chain on the door? [imitating ragged breathing] Just like, “Oh.” “Oh, hey, Mom, Dad, what up?” [imitating ragged breathing] “What up?” “Son, can we die in your home?” “Oh, Dad!” “Dad, this is a bad time, Dad.” “See, I’m dating this girl from Palo Alto, and we’re in couples therapy, and the therapist says we should establish boundaries, especially with our mothers.” If my son said that about my wife, I would fucking kill that kid. I would run to the car. I’d get a gun. I would blow that fucking door down. I’d go, “Get on the fucking ground, you ungrateful piece of shit!” He’d be like, “Oh my God, Dad, where did you get that gun?” “I got a gun for this joke, you idiot. Don’t fact-check comedy.” “Listen to me, we gave you everything.” “We got rid of all of our baggage. “We gave you every heirloom.” “We still go to therapy. We still fuck.” “You have any idea what you did to your mother’s hips? I love them.” “But you destroyed your mother’s hips, so guess what?” “She gets to die in your fucking house.” “And how many times do I have to tell you this?” “In Beige-istan, we never lock the door.”
[audience cheering and applauding]
[“On My Way” playing]
♪ Don’t you slow down ♪ ♪ Don’t you look down We’re at new heights now ♪ ♪ All on my feet and my heart… ♪ San Jose, thank you so much. Good night! ♪ I’m on my way, yeah I’m on my way ♪ ♪ Hard work done paid off Said, I’m on my way ♪ ♪ Stay out my way, yeah Said, I’m on my way ♪ ♪ Hard work done paid off I’m on my way ♪ ♪ Tell me how I look now ♪ ♪ I been out here for a minute ♪ ♪ Afraid we never touch the ground ♪ – ♪ Don’t you know it’s been a minute ♪
♪ Hey ♪ ♪ I’m on my way, yeah I’m on my way ♪ ♪ Hard work done paid off Said, I’m on my way ♪ ♪ Stay out my way, yeah Said, I’m on my way ♪ ♪ Hard work done paid off I’m on my way ♪ ♪ I’m on my way, yeah I’m on my way ♪ ♪ Hard work done paid off I’m on my way ♪