Available on Netflix from March 5, 2024
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[upbeat music playing]
[crowd cheering]
[announcer] Put your hands together for your peerless host, Hannah Gadsby!
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music continues]
Hello!
[music ends]
Hello, thank you!
Thank you very much.
[Hannah giggles]
Well, my work here is done.
Thank you. Thank you so much, London, you beautiful potatoes.
Look at you all. Big fan.
Hello, Alexandra Palace. Allie Pallie!
[crowd cheers]
The last time Netflix brought this many trans people together was for a protest, so…
Progress.
Progress.
Which is kind of why we’re here.
There is a foundation myth to this evening.
We all love a founding myth.
So I’ll bring you in, bring you into the loop.
A few years back, Netflix released an incredibly transphobic comedy special from one of their pet “edgelords,” and…
There was a bit of a brouhaha that followed.
A big, big, big, big brouhouhaha.
And look, to be honest, I didn’t get involved to begin with.
I… I… And I’m not… I’m not proud of this, but I’m a bit of a cultural cuck, you know?
I’m just like, “Oh no, you go ahead. I’ll be over here… watching.”
But then my name got brought into the conversation, so I’m like, “Oh fuck.”
So…
Look, what I did was I penned a very strongly worded letter… um, and I addressed it to, uh, Netflix.
It’s called biting the hand that feeds you, I believe.
Or punching up with your teeth, which you don’t normally get to do twice, but I have a good dentist, so there we go.
Here we are.
So, look, I won’t lie.
I came a bit strong out of the gate.
I addressed it directly to my Netflix daddy.
I call him my Netflix daddy because Netflix is like a family.
Once you’re in the fold, it really is.
It does feel like a family, a very big family.
And like most families, they don’t really like their queer kids.
I addressed it directly to my Netflix daddy and I said, “Fuck you, Ted.”
It’s a bit harsh, isn’t it?
But in my defense, I’m a Capricorn with a Piscean moon… and a Cancer rising.
Which directly translates to autistic.
So I… I don’t always get the tone right.
In that letter, I made various points.
One of them is, I called Netflix an amoral algorithm cult, which…
I stand by.
And then I mentioned in passing, it was just a throwaway mention, that I did shits with more backbone than Ted.
Now…
Yeah.
You’re encouraging me now, but, you know, I just…
It probably wasn’t the right tone.
But again, in my defense, in my head, it was playful.
In my head, I saw a jaunty little turd, you know?
With impossibly good posture, possibly a top hat, you know?
Pure whimsy.
From my side, pure…
Did not translate. Um…
I finished the strongly worded letter and then I posted it to Instagram.
Ooh. Like… Like, it wasn’t…
I didn’t think it would blow up in my face there.
‘Cause, like, I didn’t phone him directly.
I didn’t rock up to his house.
I wasn’t challenging him to a duel.
Do you know what I… Like…
I didn’t even post it to Twitter.
Do you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Twitter.
Twitter.
Twitter. Twitter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will deadname that chum bucket.
Now I…
[audience laughing and cheering loudly]
[Hannah laughing]
It was just Instagram, but the Russian media picked it up and ran it.
I didn’t read it.
Then something marvelous happened.
Somebody translated the Russian news story back into English.
And my original words did not survive that loop.
I no longer did shits with more “backbone.”
I shit… with more “tenacity.”
It’s a very different image, I think you’ll agree. Like, it’s… It’s no longer this, is it?
That is explosive diarrhea as a bragging point.
And it does very much sound like I was challenging him to a duel.
The other incredible thing that came out of that brouhaha was this evening. That’s…
[crowd cheering]
Yes.
Netflix agreed to work with us to build this evening of a whole bunch of fabulous and diverse genderqueer performers for this evening, and I am incredibly excited to bring this to you.
It won’t fix it. It’s not enough.
Just one night, like…
You know, come on, you don’t raze the Amazon and plant a tree.
Like, this is the carbon offset show, you know what I mean? Like…
This evening we’ve got a whole range of comics from all around the world, all sorts of different styles.
It is a smorgasbord, and I am so excited to share them all with you this evening.
Are you ready for that, Allie Pallie?
[crowd cheering loudly]
Yes, you are!
This first act has come all the way from the other side of the pond, but as an Australian, I’m not that impressed.
But they’ve still made more of an effort than you, so that’s…
Please make welcome Jes Tom!
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
Oh my God, what’s up, London?
How are you feeling?
Wow. Wow, my name is Jes Tom.
I’m trans. Can you tell?
Don’t answer that!
That was a test, you’re passing. Am I?
Stupid.
I am about to hit four years on testosterone, which explains why…
[crowd whooping]
Which explains why I have the mustache of a school bully.
I started testosterone right before the pandemic, so it was a long, long time of being alone in my room, just staring at my one neck hair.
I’ve been thinking lately, like, what if I never grow a beard, just one long hair that grows longer and longer?
You can see it from the back of the room.
Something that happens when you’re on testosterone is you get very horny.
Which is funny because I already thought before that I was already horny enough.
But I shattered that glass ceiling.
I did. I did.
You can clap for that.
[crowd cheering]
[Jes] Mm. Mm.
Lesserknown fact about testosterone is that testosterone can change people’s sexual orientation, because sometimes God likes to play a trick.
So after an entire lifetime of being a practicing lesbian, for the first time ever, I find myself attracted to men.
[crowd] Ooh.
[shudders]
I love how no matter who’s in the audience, gay, straight, bi, cis, trans, everyone’s like, “Oh, that’s bad.”
Everyone’s like, “Are you okay?”
It is crazy going from being a lesbian to being attracted to men.
I do feel testosterone flipped a switch in my brain, because before, men just looked like big rectangles to me.
And now I think rectangles are really sexy.
So I’m in this interesting moment in my life, coming into my sexual peak, both as a 16yearold boy and a 30yearold woman.
I’m in my DTF era, that’s “Dyke To Fag.”
Yeah.
People taking a second to decide which part of that it’s okay to laugh at.
And I’m learning a lot.
You know, lesbians and gay men are extremely culturally different.
Like, gay men love musicals, lesbians love trauma.
And ne’er the twain shall meet.
I have to learn a lot.
I have to learn to be gayman hot, and it’s hard.
It’s hard. Okay, are there gay men in this room?
Oh my God.
Not enough for you to be safe to cheer.
It’s very hard to be gayman hot.
It’s much harder to be gayman hot than it is to be lesbian hot.
I’m not saying lesbians aren’t hot. That’s not what I’m saying.
I’m saying lesbians are more open-minded.
Yeah, you know, like as a lesbian, the hottest thing I can do is know my time and place of birth.
Maybe have played piano as a child, really worked out that… muscle memory.
To be gayman hot, you have to be a cisgender man also on testosterone.
I’m like, “Doesn’t anyone want to see my charts?”
“Doesn’t anyone care I’m a Capricorn stellium in the 10th house of the public eye?”
“That used to mean something where I came from.”
Those credits do not transfer over.
I’m learning that sexting with men is very different from sexting with women.
And if it’s weird to you that I, a nonbinary person, am doing these “men are like this, women are like this” type jokes, just assume everything I’m about to say is wrong.
Okay. That being said, sexting with women, it’s a craft.
It’s got three-act structure.
It’s Aristotelian, it’s got narrative development, it’s got character arc.
We grow in the same direction.
We’re different afterwards.
We’ve changed together.
It’s beautiful.
Sexting with men is like a child’s flashcard with a picture of an apple that says “apple” underneath.
But instead of an apple, it’s a dick, and not like… not like a nice, clear dick, like a dark room, backlit, with the pilly sweatpants and the flash.
Men can’t read, is what I’m saying.
They cannot read. [chuckles]
I’m learning gender is very arbitrary.
It’s based on arbitrary things I do.
Like, um, I’m a man if I wear a hat, I’m a woman if I order a hibiscus iced tea.
I get in these awkward situations.
Using the public restroom is a mess. I have to do all this gender math.
What am I wearing on my head? What did I order at the cafe?
Controversial statement, I still prefer to use the women’s restroom because I’m not an animal.
You know?
I’m not… I’m not… I’m not a beast. I’m not a creature.
I don’t wanna go in the men’s restroom and use that haunted stall in the back.
I don’t need to know what those walls have seen.
Like, that’s not part of my journey.
I prefer to use the women’s restroom, and what I do is… I do still wear a mask in public a lot because I care about public health and I’m sick of people falling in love with me everywhere I go.
It’s a burden. You wouldn’t understand.
And recently I was at a movie premiere, brag, and…
I was not in the movie.
My job right now is to show up places where more famous people are and be like, “And me!”
“Hannah Gadsby…”
So I was at this movie premiere.
I went to use the women’s restroom,
and a security guard steps in front of me and goes, “Excuse me.”
“This is the girls’ room.”
And I was like, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I did not realize you were an ally.”
“Oh, I had no idea.”
“Some cops are good…” No, I’m just kidding.
Can you imagine?
Do you ever get policed so hard your identity gets affirmed?
Pretty interesting.
Guys, I’m Jes Tom. Thank you so much.
You’ve been amazing.
Thank you.
[crowd cheering loudly]
Jes Tom!
Yes!
[crowd cheering]
Okay, the next performer, I’m fairly certain most of you know her. She’s a powerhouse of talent, but it is my hope that a lot more people will know her and love her. She’s incredible.
Chloe Petts!
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
Hello!
How’s everyone doing?
Yes!
Oh my gosh, it’s so lovely to be here.
My name is Chloe. I’m extraordinarily gay.
Thank you, and whoever cheered, fantastic.
The rest of you homophobes, that’s fine.
Where are all my gays at?
A worryingly strong contingent.
Where are my straights at?
No, you sound much more ashamed.
Correct.
No, I love having straight people in. Welcome, so nice to have you here.
I like to… Well, it’s nice to be able to sort of share our culture with you guys.
Teach you some lingo. My lingo, very simple.
I’m a masculine lesbian, very easy for you to understand.
All that means is that I get myself into sort of socially awkward situations.
For example, I went into a hotel.
The hotel assistant said, “How can I help you, sir?”
And I said, “Listen, babes.” [chuckles]
“Don’t be embarrassed, happens all the time. It’s madam.”
And he goes, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, sir.”
But I love it. It’s amazing.
It’s great because I now get access to an amazing little thing, a wonderful little thing called male privilege.
It’s good shit, isn’t it, sir? It’s lovely.
Give me one of them. Come on.
Jesus fucking Christ…
Returned the fist bump, massive misogynist.
No, I now know that I’ve got my own privilege ’cause I get access to the greatest term of endearment in the English language.
Cis femme ladies in the room, I’m sorry you’re never gonna experience this.
The greatest term of endearment in the English language is this one.
Walk into the chicken shop, vendor says, “What can I get for you, boss man?”
[crowd cheering]
No wonder you boys are fucking confident.
I walk out of there feeling like the CEO of my own goddamn life.
Sometimes I go to the shop. They go, “What can I get you, boss man?”
I go, “Nothing, I’m vegetarian.”
“You’ve given me everything I need. Thank you.”
I am a vegetarian. Do we have any in?
Very proud one at the front.
Any vegans?
Okay, that’s lovely.
There’s probably more, they’re just too weak to cheer.
And where are my meat eaters at?
Yeah, that’s right.
That’s the sound of protein.
I… I love you guys.
I wish I was one of you, ’cause I am a vegetarian that does eat, uh, meat.
What happens is, once every three months, I’ll just have a tiny little bit of meat, just try a tiny little piece of meat, just to see if it tastes nicer than the climate.
But this makes people angry, ’cause they want you to be morally consistent.
They want you to be one thing, they want to categorize you.
So they’ll be like, “You’re not vegetarian then.”
“At best, you’re a flexitarian. You’re a flexitarian, Chloe.”
What I say to these very angry, belligerent people is this.
I spent my late teens, early twenties, trying a penis once a financial quarter.
Did not make me straight. It’s the same principle.
You wouldn’t go around calling me a homoflexual, would you?
I… It’s sort of difficult to know about my gender identity.
‘Cause now that I’ve got male privilege, I worry that I am gonna be accidentally toxic towards women.
No, sit down! Sit down!
Mate, that was a test, and you fucked it.
Big puppy dog vibes over here.
No, my gender identity, it’s difficult to know.
I’d say the place I feel most comfortable and most myself in all of the world is on the wedding dance floor.
That’s ’cause my favorite mode of transport is via knee slide, surrounded by unprecedented levels of cleavage. I just love it.
But the world out there’s chaotic. It’s difficult to know who I am.
I largely identify as a woman, but it can be confusing.
On a wedding dance floor, I know with 100% certainty that I identify as a man with a tie on his head.
It’s just who I am.
I fucking love weddings so much, particularly straight weddings.
They’re so good, because I feel like I become the hero of the straight wedding.
And I know technically that should be the bride, but…
Something about being the only woman that walks into the space in a men’s suit makes those straighties think you’re the most interesting person they’ve ever met in their life.
The women are coming up to you like, “I had a sexual experience with a woman once.”
The men walk past like, “I bet she’s got some cracking pale ale recommendations.”
It’s not just the adults that get interested in me.
It’s the kids too. The kids are the first people to get interested in me.
You have that moment at a wedding in the afternoon where all the parents have got absolutely wankered, and the kids are just running around lawlessly.
They’re feral, it’s like Lord of the Flies.
They’re snorting lines of sherbet.
Shots of SunnyD through their eyeballs. They’ve gone absolutely wild.
And at that moment, there becomes this power vacuum that any adult can step into if they wish, and become king of the children.
It is very easy to become king of the children.
They’re easy to impress. Show them Candy Crush on your phone, they are following you around like you’re the Pied Piper.
You’ve got this gang of children to do your bidding, to do whatever you like.
So I get them to sort of stockpile all the party poppers for later use.
You know, hold my beer while I’m doing the Macarena.
Sometimes I’ll get them in a minivan to go see Frozen: The Musical so it doesn’t look weird that I’ve gone on my own again.
But then they all go to bed, and the next people to get interested in me at the wedding are the straight men, ’cause they’ve seen the fun the kids are having and they want in on the action.
Because, you know, what are men if not children that got big?
And then all the straight blokes, they all sort of, like, circle me like a YO! Sushi conveyor belt.
And I can pluck off whichever I wish.
It’s never a good quality of man.
It’s always just, like, some guy called Josh who’s like, “My name’s Josh, my main interests are finance, Bitcoin, and wearing no socks with my trainers and loafers.”
And I’ll go, “Hey, Josh, nice to meet you mate, you all right?”
And Josh, who’ll be the most boring man you’ve ever met in your life, 100% of the time, he’ll introduce you to his girlfriend who is the most stunning, talented, beautiful woman you’ve ever seen in your life.
I’m looking at her like, “Blink twice if you need me to get you out of this.”
“There’s a whole community of lesbians that I can take you to.”
“It will be an honor and a privilege.”
I’m like, “What is it that you even like about Josh?”
She’ll be like, “I dunno, he’s sweet. He always remembers my mum’s birthday.”
I’ll be like, “The lesbians could do that, and give you an orgasm too. Come with me.”
I’ve realized, with much experience at weddings, why the straight men love me so much, and it’s because I’m useful to them during the bouquet throw.
We all know the bouquet throw.
I’m going to explain it in case there are people with cultural differences.
The bouquet throw is the bit where all the unmarried women gather on the wedding dance floor.
The bride stands in front of them, her back to them.
She’ll throw her bouquet of flowers into the sea of unmarried women.
Whichever one catches it first is the next one to be sold off.
Obviously, I’m fucking incredible at the bouquet throw.
I’m massive, I’ve got a thirst for straight blood.
Last year I went to three weddings, I caught five bouquets.
I wish you could see it.
I let the unmarried women go ahead of me to the dance floor, and they gather, they congregate, and it’s all bristling with tension.
They’re going, “I wonder which one of us it’s gonna be.”
“I really hope it’s me.”
“I’ve been practicing in the garden all year.”
And then I’ll stomp on.
Prosecco glasses start shaking.
Nana starts crying.
One of the unmarried women’s going, “You sure you’re in the right category?”
[giggling nervously]
I’m going, “Yep. Throw my fucking flowers.”
The bride will throw the flowers, and all the straight men I’ve befriended will flock around me and lift me like a rugby lineout.
You’ve been absolutely amazing. I’m Chloe Petts. Good night, thank you!
[crowd cheering loudly]
[upbeat music playing]
Yeah.
Chloe Petts!
[music ends]
Yes!
Indeed!
See what I’m talking about?
You’re a bit keen, mate.
[Hannah snickers]
I need you all to know, he’s not a plant.
Like, just… keen.
Your name… Your name’s not Josh, is it?
Yes, yeah, that’s it.
[crowd cheering]
All right. Next, we have an amazing performer from New York.
Understated magnificence. Please get that energy going for Asha Ward!
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
Whoa, what’s up, London?
[crowd whooping]
This is cool, it’s awesome to be here.
[scattered whoops followed by laughter]
I’m not going to lie, I got too high before this.
So it’s feeling crazy to me.
But you guys like weed though, right? You guys smoke weed here.
[crowd whooping]
I love weed, but I feel like it’s time for me to cut back the amount of weed I’m smoking.
‘Cause I feel like the amount of weed I’m smoking is making me, uh, stupid.
The other day, my friend was telling me about their struggle with body dysmorphia, and I was like, “Aw, lucky.”
I was like, “Aw, lucky, you could rob a bank with that.”
That’s what I said.
Apparently, body dysmorphia is not what it sounds like.
I thought they were telling me they were a shapeshifter.
I was like, “Damn, that’s great news.”
No, but I really have cut back the amount of weed I’m smoking.
And it’s cool. Like, I’ve had the motivation to do so much more ketamine.
I love ketamine.
I can’t keep ketamine or PopTarts in the house.
Now, instead of saying I’m addicted to something, I’m just saying, “Oh, I can’t keep that in the house.”
I knew I was doing too many nose drugs when I started saying shit like, “They need to start making cocaine for plussized people.”
I was unemployed for a while, believe it or not.
I’d reach the deepest level of unemployment, and that’s when you start making beats on your computer.
And then after a while, they start sounding good.
It’s wild ’cause I, like, got into music production by way of Four Loko.
If you don’t know, that’s an alcohol for people who don’t really care about life or death.
You ever get so drunk you open up GarageBand, fuck around, make some shit that sound like Avicii?
That’s what I was doing.
I had so much free time, it was crazy.
I, like, signed up for a kickboxing class.
I had to immediately quit.
‘Cause, like, a fully grown man beat my ass.
I was like, “Damn, that doesn’t feel legal.”
“That feels really illegal.”
It’s crazy.
I used to work at a pediatric dentistry.
What if I was like, “And I was the dentist”?
No, just kidding. I worked the front desk, like a normal person.
I like to hit my dab pen there.
There’s something about getting high and watching kids go to the dentist.
It’s like watching a nature documentary.
But I knew I wasn’t going to last for very long at that job, ’cause, well, one day I got an email with the subject line “fax machine.”
All caps.
So I click on it. I’m like, “What could it be?”
It’s just one sentence.
Uh, “Who got butter in the fax machine?”
I’ve yet to confess, but my previous employers know I’m the only one who worked there that’s not afraid to eat crab legs in professional settings.
It’s not looking good for me.
Before that, I used to teach improv at a Jewish summer camp, which is wild, ’cause I don’t do improv and I’m not Jewish.
That’s the power of networking.
My dad is also gay, which is very nuanced of me, I know.
We’re the only two gay people in the family, so it feels like we’re coworkers.
You know?
I’ve only dated one man, and when he cheated on me, I pretended to be mad about it.
I was like, “You’re gonna be in big trouble, mister.”
I’m also just, like, bad at dating in general, because I’m bad at flirting, especially like by text.
‘Cause I’m just so excited that whoever I’m into is also into me.
I remember one time I was texting this girl I like.
She texted me, told me she wanted to give me head.
I was like, “My God, that’s great news.”
“I gotta go tell my family.”
I’m also, like, bad at giving dating advice, cause I’m crazy.
Like one time my friend told me, she was like, “The guy I like hasn’t texted me back, but he’s active on Instagram.”
I was like, “Man, that’s crazy.”
“Have you tried reaching out to his mother?”
“She know where he at.”
“Send her ass a DM on Candy Crush.”
You know?
You know what’s embarrassing that shouldn’t be embarrassing?
Taking deep breaths.
You ever had somebody walk in on you while you were taking some deep breaths?
Especially if they catch you on an exhale.
Like, why does it feel like you just saw my butthole?
That’s insane.
I’ve also been getting drunk more often,
but not in the unhealthy way, you know? Like, in the fun way, right?
Like, by myself.
And it’s wild ’cause I, like, have a dog.
I can’t walk the dog while I’m drunk. It’s too much.
I start swinging her shit like a purse.
She starts barking at people.
I start yelling at them too. Like, “Fuck it, who we mad at?”
Thank you, my name’s Asha Ward.
[crowd cheering]
[Hannah] Give it up one more time for Asha Ward!
[upbeat music playing]
I’m incredibly excited to bring this next performer out.
Please welcome to the stage DeAnne Smith!
[music ends]
Yes. Yes, let’s get straight into it.
[scattered whooping]
Guys, I think it’s weird that Russians are so antigay.
I mean, they invented the concept of a woman inside a woman, inside a woman, inside…
I knew you would get it.
I didn’t even have to do the hand gestures. Good work!
Okay. First joke is out there.
This is good. Things are going well.
I, uh… [groans] I struggle with anxiety, guys. That’s happening for me all the time.
It’s happening in this moment. But I’m also… I don’t want to say that anymore because it sounds so negative.
I wanna rebrand it. I don’t wanna say “struggle” anymore.
If you have that problem, do what I’m trying to do.
From now on, I don’t say, “I struggle with anxiety.”
I say, “My mind sparkles with imaginary danger.”
It’s powerful, it’s magical, it’s mysterious.
And I tend to set the stakes for everything that I do way too high.
Like, right now I feel crushed by the responsibility of having a microphone at this moment in history.
Anything less than calling for global revolution feels a bit self-indulgent, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
Okay, we’re all on board.
I hope we all agree what that means when I say that.
It’s like, what am I going to do, talk about boobs?
I got top surgery not that long ago.
I am!
[crowd cheering]
Sure, thank you!
And if you don’t know what that means, that means that I used to have boobs, and then through no fault of their own, I got ’em gone.
And people like to celebrate that, but I didn’t do a good thing for us collectively.
I did a very selfish thing.
Right now in this room, we are down one sick rack.
I did that to us, you guys, I did that.
We need every bit of joy we can get in this world, and I yoinked it… I yoinked it away from us.
And for what?
I’m not gonna transition.
This is it.
This is the final form.
Just this weird little guy.
[crowd whooping]
Yeah, sure. All right. All right!
[crowd cheering]
Don’t…
Calm down, lesbians, I…
But weird little guy is my gender identity and you must respect it.
I’ve been getting they/them’d against my will since 2005, all right?
I feel beyond the conversation that’s happening.
I’m just trying to have fun with it, but not everybody is.
I met somebody that was like, “Hi, I’m Jess. She/her.”
Very sincere.
And I answered,
“DeAnne. Weird little guy.”
And then I got to see Jess meltdown.
Jess was like, “Weird little guy, okay. Gotta remember it and respect it.”
You don’t.
We don’t have to respect everything the they/thems are doing, you guys.
I’ve made some wild choices.
During top surgery, I opted for no nipples.
Did you even know you could do that?
I stand before you nippleless.
Here’s the thing. During the surgery, they come off.
They’re off. They’re over there.
And then they want to reshape them into “man nipples.”
I don’t know what that means.
Better paid?
What is it…
What’s a…
Man nipples, they just absolutely dominate a conversation.
Like, what…
Man nipples. I don’t need man nipples.
That’s not the energy.
I want my gender to be almost the same exact feeling you get when you look at the word “zucchini” spelled out.
I just want you to go…
“Is that right?”
“It’s kind of cool though. CCH right in the middle.”
“Not a lot of things are doing that.”
“Maybe it’s Italian.” I…
Do me a favor just for a minute.
Please just indulge me.
All I’m asking is that you think about your own nipples.
Just think about your own nipples.
And I don’t know your lives.
Maybe you came to a comedy show tonight to forget about your nipples, just to be free of the burden, but think about them.
They look weird, right? They look weird.
They look weird. They’re weird-looking. They look weird.
And you don’t need nipples, you guys.
You don’t need them.
It’s just what the people at Big Nip want you to think, but you don’t…
You don’t need…
Listen, I like talking about this stuff because I would hope that maybe you would feel a little bit empowered and just remember that your body is your own, you know?
In a room this size, there has to be somebody who’s wavering on a haircut or thinking about getting a tattoo or something.
I would just say, go ahead and do it, you fucking pussies.
I have… I have no nipples right now. Do you understand that?
Do you understand that I have zero nipples?
No nipples.
When I take off my shirt,
it looks like I’m just wearing another flesh-colored shirt.
Like, it’s weird. It’s weird.
You’ll know something’s off, but you might not know what right away.
You’ll just be like, “Did you shave your eyebrows?”
It has that energy.
When I’m cold, you’ll never even know.
I could…
I have left open the possibility.
I could get tattoos later on.
Visually, if it needs it, I could get tattoos.
My best idea right now
is a QR code.
Scan it, and it goes to an NFT of my old nipple.
Is that fun?
It’s just spinning, disembodied.
What an incredible image to place in your minds.
Okay, before I go, I want to take this opportunity to say, if you don’t believe me about the sick rack, there is photographic evidence.
And you can email me… at [email protected].
That’s “sick” with three I’s, and I’m dead serious.
Thank you.
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
[Hannah] DeAnne Smith!
Yeah!
[music ends]
Absolutely!
It… It was a sick rack.
I miss it.
I’m personally quite excited about the new conversation around gender.
I like that there’s a lot more variety of ways to identify, ’cause it felt a bit claustrophobic for me in the past.
I still don’t… I still don’t know what… [grumbling]
Haven’t picked a team. Um…
You know, “genderfluid,” but also… [gags]
But, you know?
It’s…
That’s a me thing.
“Nonbinary” works, kind of, in theory, but the term “nonbinary” distresses me.
Because to define yourself by something you are not… is the cornerstone of binary thinking.
And…
If I was to make up a gender for myself, it would be gender surprised.
Because it doesn’t matter how people gender me.
I get the whole set every day, you know?
She/her, he/him, they/them, every day.
Do you know? And, like…
And none of them offend me, but all of them surprise me.
They… It’s…
So I’m like, “Okay, no, I’ll have a go.”
Every interaction with a stranger is like a tiny gender reveal party for me.
I’m just not attached to the bits at all.
Like, but also, that goes beyond the sexual bits.
All of my bits.
I’ve had my tonsils out, I’ve had…
I don’t care. I don’t. I’ve never thought of them since.
I’ve had my appendix out.
My gall bladder, fuck off! Like, it’s…
If someone told me tomorrow I have to have my uterus out, don’t care. Throw it on the heap.
I’ll hang onto the bottle opener though, ’cause… I get… I get a lot of use out of that. I… I think it’s adorable how so many men are all of a sudden very concerned about women’s sport.
That’s… new.
That’s real new.
Like, the idea that men are transitioning to become women so they can dominate women’s sports.
Like, you know, picking up all those amazing perks you get in women’s sports.
All those perks!
All those perks like…
Women get all the perks in women’s…
They get kisses and everything. Who…
Who wouldn’t want a kiss? Her, apparently. Ungrateful.
I think it’s really disingenuous, you know, ’cause in 2012, a horse won Australia’s Sportswoman of the Year.
Fucking horse!
Don’t worry about chromosomes, that bitch has four legs… and is also a horse!
Very excited to bring this next guest out in front of you.
All the way from, Portland, Oregon, Mx. Dahlia Belle!
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
Thank you.
[music ends]
Thank you so much.
You’re all so kind.
I do apologize right up front because I know our time together is very brief this evening, but I am under contractual obligation to let you know that I know the difference between myself and a nontransgender woman.
And I’m very careful to always say “nontransgender,” because I’ve been informed that “cisgender” is considered a slur… by people who don’t understand how slurs work.
Throughout my life, I have been called a great many things of which I have not been particularly fond.
But only a select few have actually qualified as slurs.
Like back when I was in school, kids used to call me a butt pirate.
And that one’s kind of cute. I’m not mad at it, I’m really not.
Although I will admit I do personally prefer “booty bandit” or “bum burglar,” but we can’t all be great writers, now, can we?
All the same… All the same, the day an unprovoked gang of n*gger tranny fags hurl bricks at someone while shouting “cisgender,” it will be a slur.
Until that day, however, people are just being whiny little bitches about an adjective.
[crowd cheering]
It’s gonna be all right. It will be okay.
And here’s how I know it’s going to be okay, ’cause how would we even know someone isn’t transgender? How?
Trans people, we’re not really known for trying to inspect everyone’s genitals.
That is strictly a straight people pastime.
We… We don’t care. [tittering]
All the same, I know how important it is for you to know that I know that hundreds of years from now, assuming we haven’t all killed ourselves off, were someone to dig up my remains for some inexplicable reason, they would be able to determine that I had been born male and lived my life as a woman, because that’s how archaeology works.
Also,
I’ll be dead.
So dysphorian misgendering won’t really matter at that point.
But what I know that you might not know is that I intend to be cremated, so none of that shit matters.
True story. [tittering]
But in the meantime, right here and now in the present tense, I still need you to know that I know I will never ovulate, I will never menstruate, I will never get pregnant, I will never give birth.
I just get a vagina with none of the obstacles or inconveniences.
[crowd laughing and cheering]
It’s fine. That’s fine. I’m fine with it.
I’m not trying to do extra labor. I’m an underachiever.
But there are people that genuinely do believe that I’m trying to steal the entire concept of womanhood away from them, when in reality, all I actually want to do is take very specific aspects of womanhood off your hands.
And as far as I can tell, it’s shit you don’t even want.
You know, things like being infantilized, being objectified, dehumanized, and awkwardly propositioned by a man who’s not actually your type, but you are at the peak of a dry spell, and you did leave the house without panties on, just in case.
An adequate, by which I mean consenting, man might sweep you off your feet and into the single-occupancy, genderneutral restroom of your preferred brunch establishment, where you can take two bumps of ketamine, a hit of poppers, and make sweet, passionate, romantic love on or against the sink.
We’ve all been there.
We’ve all been there, but you don’t want to do it and I do. And that’s…
That’s the fundamental difference between us.
Obviously, factory-default vaginas are the divine gateway of life.
Our species could not exist without them.
I will never take that away from you, because I don’t want to.
And also, there are plenty of things an aftermarket vagina can do that a stock vagina cannot, like destroy the fabric of Western civilization as we know it.
Only my pussy does that!
Only mine.
Only my pussy can murder the little baby Jesus before he even has a chance to start an apocalyptic death cult and ruin the world.
That’s miracle pussy.
That is how I define good pussy.
I do also realize, of course, that that last joke may offend some Christians, and it is very important to me that you know that I don’t care.
I have also, however, been informed that it is apparently socially unacceptable to make fun of the shape and/or size of a man’s penis,
and that’s going to be a hard one for me to swallow, because… if you’ve ever taken a dick or two, from time to time…
And you don’t have to take both dicks at the same time.
We can’t all be about that life.
But if you do happen to take a dick or two, from time to time you’re going to meet a kind, caring, compassionate man whose dick is trash.
Like, in the bedroom.
In any other situation, all penises are equal.
But in the bedroom, his is…
Lousy, bad, no good.
But he is still a good man.
You might even marry that good fella.
And on the other hand, if you take enough dicks, from time to time, you’re going to meet a man with a perfect dick.
The dick of legends.
The dick your mom told you about.
The dick that almost made her leave your father.
Don’t worry, we’re all going to split into small groups later to process that information.
But for now, I regret to tell you that that delectable specimen of penile perfection is all too often attached to a giant sack of shit.
And that, dear friends, brings us to the fundamental difference between a transgender and a nontransgender man.
‘Cause if you meet a kind, caring, compassionate transgender man, he will take you to a store to buy the dick of your choice.
As it turns out, that’s what I wanted.
That’s what I wanted the whole time. Who knew? Who could’ve guessed?
Who could’ve guessed?
But here’s the thing, ever since Adam first gaslit Eve into taking the blame… women like myself, we’ve been down on our knees begging God for an emotionally available, financially stable man with modular genitals.
Listen, I’m a busy woman. I am very busy.
I don’t always have time for a whole 30.48 centimeters.
And yes, that is correct.
I, an American, took the time to do a metric conversion.
For one dick joke.
For the viewers at home, that’s 12 inches.
Point being, I don’t always have time for all that. I really don’t.
Also, I don’t know how the rest of you choose to live your lives, but one of my favorite things in the entire world is pretending to choke on a man’s dick.
And my least favorite thing in the entire world is choking on a dick.
And with that in mind, I’m going to help everyone here with a penile partner take your relationship to the next level tonight.
Here’s what you’re going to do. After the show, what you’re gonna do is, you’re going to look your partner in the eyes… and you’re gonna say,
“N*gga…”
I do need to warn you, of course, if you or your partner are not Black, this part’s gonna be extremely uncomfortable.
But you have to follow my instructions to the letter. So…
So you’re going to look your partner in the eyes.
You’re gonna say, “N*gga, you got a tiny dick.”
Now, if your partner gets all huffy and offended,
acts like a little bitch about it,
I regret to tell you, you got a tiny-dick n*gga on your hands who probably thinks “cisgender” is a slur.
But, on the other hand, if your partner just shrugs it off, doesn’t care at all, that n*gga’s got a giant dick in their soul.
You’ve been beautiful, I love you. Good night!
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
Mx. Dahlia Belle!
[music ends]
We’re all learning.
We are all learning.
When we were putting this evening together,
it was very important to me
to really get a wide spectrum of voices on stage.
Not just gender, but also geography and tone and experience.
I really wanted to use this moment to give an opportunity to a new performer,
because when you’re genderqueer in the comedy world,
stage time is not always safe time.
And I’m incredibly excited to bring this next act, uh, onto the stage to share with you.
Can we get some energy? Energy from you?
[crowd cheering]
Please make welcome to the stage the wonderful, the singular Krishna Istha!
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
Oh my God, hi.
I’m so excited to be here.
This is honestly such a huge opportunity,
so if I fuck this up…
and you don’t find me funny enough to laugh,
that’s cool, don’t worry about it.
My personal kink is humiliation, so this is a winwin situation for me.
As a trans person, in the past, some people would have said that I was a man trapped inside a woman’s body.
Never really identified with that.
Although, if you think about it, we were all once trapped inside a woman’s body.
Actually, not all people who give birth are women.
That was a test, and you all failed!
I’m so disappointed in this room. [tsks]
I’ve been on testosterone for 10 years.
And one of the side effects of taking testosterone
is that you get the sudden urge to try standup comedy.
Did you know the confidence you get when you walk through the world as a man is directly proportional to the confidence you need to try standup comedy?
Which is probably why so many mediocre white men think they can do it.
Someone once told me when I first started standup that it was very important to define myself clearly straight away, so that the audience was open to listening to me.
Apparently all this, it can be distracting from the “comedy.”
But defining yourself is pretty hard when you’re an Indian-American kinda Australian person living in Britain who’s a transmasculine, nonbinary, bisexual, polyamorous, dyslexic performance artist!
[crowd cheering]
And there’s nothing more confusing than performance art.
I can’t explain performance art in five minutes, but I’ll try!
I hope I fail. Humiliation… Mmm.
So performance art is on the same spectrum as comedy and sex work.
Comedy and performance art are exactly the same, except for one small thing.
The intention with comedy is for the audience to laugh.
The intention with performance art is for the audience to never laugh ever again.
Sex work and performance art are also very similar.
Insertion of objects is industry standard.
Someone’s always naked.
And someone’s always thinking, “When is this going to end?”
Speaking of “when this is going to end,”
I’m in a relationship.
No, he’s really great, he’s really good.
He’s also trans, his name is Joseph.
Well, he’s Joseph, but also a Mary.
He’s from New Zealand, which is cute.
But his slang, it’s a bit confusing.
For example, he says, “Yeah, nah.”
The other day I asked, “Want a cup of tea?”
And he said, “Yeah, nah.”
“Nah, yeah? Nah.”
Sorry, what is it? Is it a yes or no?
It’s as confusing as the Indian head nod.
Pick a side.
Says the nonbinary, bisexual, polyamorous, Libra rising, multihyphenated creative.
When my mum and my boyfriend first met, they didn’t get on.
We went out for breakfast, and they just wouldn’t make eye contact.
They wouldn’t speak to each other unless it was through me.
“Krishna, does your friend want water?”
“Krishna, does your friend want more water?”
“‘Friend’? How many times do I have to tell you?”
“She’s my mother.”
It was humiliating.
They did speak to each other directly once, though, when my mom turned him and asked,
“Are you scared of me?”
And he went, “Yeah, nah.”
“Nah. Should I be scared of you?”
And she went…
It’s honestly so cute, though, because they’re best friends now.
It’s adorable.
My mum is actually teaching him how to speak Malayalam, my mother tongue, and the other day he came up to me and said…
[speaking Malayalam]
Which translates to…
[man laughing]
The one Malayali got it!
It translates to, “I stupid, where is food, bitch?”
You’ve been amazing. I’m Krishna Istha, thanks!
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
[Hannah] Krishna Istha!
[music ends]
It’s been a pretty special evening, no?
That’s it, you’ve got one more act.
This stage is about to be commanded.
They are not just gender-nonconforming, they are genre-nonconforming.
They are pushing the envelope in all the right ways.
Please make welcome to the stage…
The biggest welcome you can gather yourselves into, for the one and only Alok!
[crowd cheering loudly]
[upbeat music playing]
[music ends]
Hi. I’m Alok.
And my preferred pronouns are hehe, haha.
Some of my best friends identify as members of the cisgender and heterosexual community, and I know that you guys are going through a lot right now.
That’s why every morning during my sun salutation, I take a 15-second breath to acknowledge how difficult it must be for straight people to remember how to use they/them pronouns for us.
Don’t laugh.
It’s one of the biggest issues facing their community.
[crowd cheering]
I mean, his and her community.
I just wanted to begin tonight by shouting out all the transphobic men in the audience.
I see you, and your uncomfortability is valid.
I understand that I put you in a bit of a dilemma, right?
If you find yourself accidentally laughing at one of my jokes tonight, then you’re officially endorsing the transgender agenda.
And if you don’t laugh, then you’re kind of affirming my gender.
Because women aren’t funny, right?
Don’t find me funny? Well, thank you so much.
That is so sweet of you. Thoughtful, really.
I feel so seen.
Laugh, even a chortle, and the sound will automatically activate a rainbow filter on every one of your profile pictures.
Masculinity just is not the same anymore.
The transgender agenda has gone too far.
That’s why, in my home state of Texas…
You might have heard of her.
…they’re trying to ban books.
A conservative legislator made a list of 850 books he felt like were too inappropriate for Texas public schools.
He included my book, Beyond the Gender Binary, on the list.
So I had no choice but to read the entire list myself.
And I was shocked to see that Marie Kondo’s…
Spark Joy was not included.
I’m just trying to get rid of gender norms.
She wants us to get rid of everything!
That’s the collapse of civilization as we know it.
The more that I read about the gay agenda online, the more alarmed I’m becoming at how much more confident straight people are in our ability as gay people to do anything.
“Causing natural disasters.”
“Indoctrinating an entire generation.”
Girl, that requires a lot of work, and coordination, all right?
Like, our community evaporates the moment we have to post a group photo.
Because we are arguing, because we only want the photo to be posted that we look best in.
All right?
How are we supposed to develop a shared plan of attack?
In order to create an agenda, we’d have to actually be in touch with one another, and that’s proving to be impossible these days.
One of the biggest issues facing gay people is unread emails.
We use the number of emails in our inbox as a genderneutral dick-measuring contest to compare how depressed we are.
Let’s say that we did schedule a meeting to discuss the gay agenda.
None of us would arrive at the same time, because we believe that time is an oppressive social construct.
Recently, I’ve been targeted by one of the worst antitrans policies.
Baggage weight restrictions at the airport.
Twenty-three kg?
Are you kidding me?
Some dudebro came up with that arbitrary number, and we need to be talking about it.
It’s time to bring the body-positive movement to the baggage movement.
We are more than a number!
There’s plenty of other criteria we could be using here, like how cute the outfits you packed are, or the fact that you managed to fit everything inside the suitcase, which is not a given, it is a triumph.
So here I am, pulling up to the airport.
“Excuse me, sir.”
“Your bag is overweight.”
First of all, if you’re not even gonna count my emotional baggage, do you even see me?
Because I might be trans, but I’m a water sign first.
Which means every interaction with a stranger is an opportunity for me to process my feelings.
And I saw a sign here that said, “Check in.”
So what the fuck else are we supposed to be doing here, ma’am?
Where else am I supposed to put all the pain I have from being alive?
My therapist has been encouraging me to speak my truth, so I’m gonna speak it.
You’ve been edging me all week.
I’ve been ignoring those emails, like “48 hours until checkin.”
“Just 12 more hours until you check in.”
And I’m sitting at the back of the gay agenda meeting, heavy breathing, like, “Somebody finally cares about my feelings?”
And I pull up here only to get JetBlueballed?
Are you kidding me?
Notice, when everyone else is boarding the plane, we transgenders are still on the floor of the airport, practicing the sacred transgender ritual called repacking… where we seek to make the 78 kg bag transition into 22.473628, by wearing approximately 17 outfits on the plane, because we refuse to compromise our glamour in the face of attempted disappearance.
That, my friends, is the transgender agenda.
[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music playing]
Alok!
[music ends]
That brings us to the end, Allie Pallie.
Have you had a good night?
Say thank you to everyone you saw tonight. Jes Tom, Chloe Petts, Asha Ward, Krishna Istha, Mx. Dahlia Belle, DeAnne Smith, and Alok!
[crowd cheering loudly]
[upbeat music playing]
[camera clicking]
[music ends]
