Comedy Central Stand-Up
Published date: March 24, 2023
Greer Barnes talks about smoking weed, the plight of the bees and wanting to meet aliens.
* * *
Announcer: From New York City, Comedy Central Presents Greer Barnes!
[Cheers, whistles & applause]
Thank you. Wow, that—that was nice.
[Laughter]
How y’all doing?
[Silence]
What, y’all is good?
What happened?
[Laughter]
So anyway, I was in the park last night chasing this white guy.
[Laughter]
And he—
You guys aren’t too fast, but you run a really long time.
Woo!
[Laughter continues]
I would have had to have been Kenyan to catch this cat.
[Laughter and applause]
Running right next to him.
[Panting]
Jamaican accent: “What-type-of-shoes-are-those?”
[Laughter and applause]
[Panting]
“’Cause these rocks are hurting my feet.”
[Laughter continues]
So, I smoke marijuana sometimes—a lot—every day.
[Cheers and applause]
And I’ll tell you, I really don’t see the downside to marijuana. Doctors say [bleep] like,
Deep voice: “Well, if you smoke marijuana, it’s known to cause you to forget things.”
Maybe some of us got some [bleep] we need to forget.
[Laughter and applause]
“Marijuana is also known to increase your appetite.”
You mean, the munchies? Oooh.
Like brothers are smoking joints, getting the munchies, and going out trying to stick up Keebler Elf houses or some [bleep].
[Laughter]
See a bunch of brothers in the park harassing trees.
[Knock, knock, knock]
“Yo, I know you in there, little elf man. Just tell us which tree y’all make the cookies in.”
[Laughter, cheers & applause]
“Go check them other trees.”
[Cheers and applause]
[Laughter]
I took the train down here earlier tonight, and you know how they can just randomly search you?
So, I have my knapsack on. And I’m high. So, you know, I was a little nervous.
And this officer is like, “Excuse me, sir, may I see your knapsack, please?”
You know whenever I get nervous, I try to be funny. Sometimes, it don’t work out.
[Laughter]
So this officer is like, “Excuse me, man, can I see your knapsack?”
So I took my knapsack off and I went like this—
[Laughter and applause]
He didn’t like that.
[Laughter, whistles & applause]
And then you get on the train and you hear that ridiculous, “This is a message from the MTA. Be on the lookout for suspicious-looking packages and/or activities. If you see something, don’t do anything. Tell someone, like a police officer or an MTA employee.”
Really… an MTA employee?
[Laughter]
You mean like that brother over there messing with the trash? Him?
[Laughter and applause]
Okay.
[Tapping sound]
“Hey, man, there’s a suspicious-looking package over there.”
[Laughter continues]
“Yeah, I know, I saw it.”
[Laughter and applause]
“Go talk to that lady in the booth.”
[Tapping sound]
“Hey, lady in the booth, there’s a suspicious-looking package over there.”
[Muffled dialogue]
[Laughter and applause]
“Be on the lookout for suspicious-looking activities.”
I live on 144th Street and 8th Avenue, Harlem, okay? I see a lot of stuff that could be considered suspicious-looking. Like yesterday I walked outside of my building and I saw two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping pong… Now that’s a suspicious-looking activity.
[Laughter and applause]
Where the hell did they get that ping pong table from?
[Laughter continues]
I’ve gotta alert the authorities.
“Hello, officer.” “Yeah.”
“I see two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping pong.”
“Let me get this right—you see two brothers on the sidewalk playing ping pong?”
“Uh-huh.”
[Laughter]
“We’ll send a squad car right away.”
[Imitating hitting ping pong ball]
[Cheers and applause]
I actually saw a group of cops on horses last night—like six of them—just walking toward a brother.
[Hoof beats approaching]
My first thought was: plantation. I don’t know why.
[Laughter]
I was expecting one of them to say something to me, “Where you goin’, boy?”
[Spits tobacco into spittoon]
[Laughter]
So I could just look at him, “Nowhere, sir. Mr. Lincoln says I’s free.”
[Laughter, cheers & applause]
Hey fellas, your girlfriend ever ask you a question that just make you go, “What?”
[Laughter]
A couple of nights ago, I’m in bed with my girlfriend. We just got through—finished—having sex. We’re sweatin’ ’cause we don’t have no air conditioner.
[Laughter and applause]
And we’re sitting there smoking a joint, and she looks at me and she goes,
Jamaican accent: “Baby, what would you do, right, if we woke up tomorrow and I had your penis and you had my vagina?”
[Laughter and applause]
Inhales — “What?” — exhales
[Laughter and applause]
“What would you do?”
“I wouldn’t let you screw me.”
[Laughter and applause]
One time my girlfriend asked me, she was like, “Baby, if your penis could talk, right, what would it say?”
“What?”
“What would it say?”
[Heavy sigh]
I’m gonna take this opportunity to speak on behalf of all men on this mud bowl we call Earth. If our penis could talk, it would probably say something like,
Raspy voice: “Touch me.” That’s it. That’s it.
[Laughter, cheers & applause]
Regular voice: “I’m going outside to get some cake.”
Raspy voice: “Touch me. Touch me with the cake.”
[Laughter and applause]
If the vagina could talk, you know what it would say?
[Inhales deeply]
[Talking rapidly] “We’ve been in this relationship for three and a half years…”
Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
[Laughter, cheers & applause]
Wow, you guys are fun, man. Right on.
[Cheers, whistles & applause]
So, I sit home a lot and I watch nature shows. That’s what I do. I smoke weed and I watch nature shows, you know? And I was watching one episode, they were talking about “the bees.” Now the plight that the bees are going through on the planet right now is like really serious [bleep]—excuse my French. Like, these bees are dying by the hundreds of thousands all over the world. And then this narrator said that if all the bees on the planet died, that the birds would be next—and then us. And I’m sitting there with my boy and I’m like, “We gotta save the bees.”
[Laughter and applause]
Husky voice: “I feel you, my dude. ’Cause I like honey in my tea, you feel me?”
[Laughter]
Then the narrator went on to say,
[Stuffy voice] “The European bee is a much more kinder, gentler bee, as opposed to the Africanized bee, which is a much more aggressive, hostile bee.”
Really? You just gonna try to sneak racism into the bug world?
[Laughter and applause]
Like European bees are just floating around like, “Bzzzzz.”
[Fancy accent] “So, what are we going to do today?”
“Bzzzz.”
[French accent] “I don’t know, maybe we can pollinate that flower.”
“Bzzzzz. Look at the sun, yes, I love it.”
[Laughter, cheers & applause]
Like the African bee is in his beehive like, “Who the [bleep] are we going to sting today?”
[Laughter and applause]
And, you know, I don’t know how I come up with this stuff sometimes. Like—I think crazy stuff, you know what I mean? Like, okay—on my way down here, I said to myself that I wish I could fly. And then I thought about it, and I was like, “If I could fly, I’d probably get arrested.” You know what I mean? Like, I’d be flying along somewhere, and somebody would be,
“Is that a [bleep] flying?”
[Laughter]
“Hello, officer? Yeah, I just saw a Black guy fly by my window. Um, no, he didn’t have a basketball. He seemed…”
[Laughter and applause]
I wanted to be an astronaut when I was younger. And then I just was like, “Hey, it’s cheaper to smoke weed. You still get to space.”
“I still get to space, baby.”
[Chuckles]
[Laughter]
I always wanted to be the first man to make contact with another alien race, you know what I mean?
Land on their planet, walk up to ’em—
“Yo, my dude? What’s good?”
[Laughter]
[Alien speech]
“Oh no, I’m human, from the planet Earth. See that blue ball way out there? Yeah, that’s where I’m from.”
[Alien speech]
“Nah, we ain’t got no dream people, but it’s cool.”
[Laughter]
[Alien speech]
“Well, we’ll probably call you [bleep] at first, but—”
[Laughter and applause]
I was in Australia, went scuba diving.
See, some of y’all looking at me like, “Bullshit, brothers don’t swim.” But hear me out.
I don’t know how to swim, and my dive master was like,
[Australian accent] “Don’t worry about it, you’ll be fine.”
[Laughter and applause]
[Scared voice] “Okay.”
We hopped on this boat and went so far out that we couldn’t even see the shoreline anymore. Boat comes to a stop. Start getting dressed—putting on our lead weight belt and flippers and goggles and air tank, checking the line.
Cah, cah, cah—psssh—in the water.
Can’t talk underwater, so you gotta learn all these signals, like:
“Let’s go up.” “Let’s go down.” “Stop.”
“[Bleep] ain’t too cool.”
[Laughter and applause]
I’m paraphrasing. [Laughs]
“I’m okay.” “Out of air.” “Low on air.”
“Wet suit too tight, you gotta fix that. You gotta get it out your butt.”
♪ Don’t want no wet suit in the butt, you gotta take ♪
“Shark.” That’s important.
You see this—and none of this.
It’s just [bleep] outta here. That’s it. That’s it.
Let’s like [bleep]—let’s—let’s get the—let’s do it, no more of that [bleep].
[Cheers and applause]
It was interesting, scuba diving. I remember the first fish I saw.
I could have sworn he took a double take at me, like,
“What the [bleep]?”
[Fish sounds]
[Laughter]
“Is that a brother?”
[Laughter and applause]
It was cool scuba diving—till my dive master led me to a cave fifty feet underwater.
We’re floating outside this cave, and he looks over at me and he’s like,
[Underwater sounds]
[Underwater sounds continue]
[Laughter]
[Applause]
[Shooting noises]
[Laughter, cheers & applause]
I got on the train earlier tonight, and these young Black kids were looking at me, and I overheard them saying,
“Look at my man, got on sandals.”
[Laughter]
[Laughing hysterically] I swear, man. I’m sittin’ there, I’m trying to cover up my toes.
[Laughter and applause]
I’m a grown-ass man.
[Laughing hysterically]
Then this old Jamaican dude walked on with a little moustache like this, and I overheard the kid,
“Look at this motherfucker here, got the Adolph.”
And that old Jamaican man looked at him and said,
[Jamaican accent] “Wha-ya say? This no Adolph, boy. Me no goose step. Me no goose step. Me a big fan of Charlie Chaplin. Me an’ here, see? Been here.”
[Laughter and applause]
That is such a stupid joke.
[Laughter and applause continues]
Oh man. [Laughs] Ha.
Wish I had one of them cool European accents. ’Cause that’s how you get the chicks—you could walk up to them and say anything.
[French accent] “Tell me something. What type of panties are you wearing?”
[Laughter and applause]
[Snobby voice] “Get away from me.”
[French accent] “Tell me.”
[Snobby voice] “They’re blue.”
[Laughter and applause]
[French accent] “I like that. Take them off.”
[Laughter]
[Snobby voice] “Get away from me.”
[French accent] “Off.”
[Laughter and applause]
[Shy voice] “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”
[Laughter and applause]
Gotta have one of them cool European accents. You can’t be American.
“Hey girl, what kind of drawers you got on?”
[Siren sounding]
“Against the wall—sexual harassment, this guy.”
[Laughter, cheers & applause]
Hey man, I think that’s my time. You guys have been great, man.
