Eddie Griffin: Undeniable (2018) – Transcript

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[cheers and applause] [♪♪♪]

What’s happening, y’all? Wassup, Boston?

[cheers]

Go on, sit down sit down, y’all. Let’s get at it! Yes, indeed, feedeede. I had to come to Boston and finish it off ’cause right now, n i g g a, the world is fucked up, n i g g a. N i g g a, you got hurricanes the size of Texas, y’understand me? And it’s attackin’ the motherfuckers that voted for the orange motherfucker.

[applause and cheers]

‘Cause y’all know every hurricane start on the coast of Africa where they picked us up at. Them ain’t hurricanes. Them is ol’ n i g g a’s spirits. You motherfuckers!

[cheers and applause]

It’s all about white privilege, n i g g a. Don’t get it twisted with this orange avengin’ motherfucker they got in the White House. Yeah, that’s what I call him, the Orange Avenger. ‘Cause white people want a hero, n i g g a. Y’know what I mean? It’s after eight years of Obama, they like “We need somebody to save us from the tyranny of n i g g a s.” Who is it? The Orange Avenger!

I don’t understand you white folks. Y’all are really some pussy motherfuckers. I ain’t gonna fight with ya or mix words. I’m not gonna give you an excuse for your innate ability to be racist motherfuckers and think everybody else supposed to deal with your shit. You need to get the fuck over yourself.

[cheers and applause]

Y’all soft. You couldn’t handle eight years of a n i g g a bein’ in charge. N i g g a, we dealt with 450-plus years of you motherfuckers runnin’ this country in the ground. We didn’t go crazy. [cheers] Y’understand me? Y’all fucked it up for 400-plus years. It only took us eight years to fix it. Y’all been back for eight or nine months and fucked it up again. [cheers and applause] White people, sometimes you gotta let go and let God.

How you vote for a orange motherfucker? I thought y’all said y’all hated colored people. You don’t get more colored than this motherfucker. He orange with pissy yellow hair. Look like he spent the night at R. Kelly house. [cheers and applause] And the motherfucker dirt dumb! I don’t even know if y’all know what dirt dumb is. This motherfucker is so dumb he had a thought and it hurt. He lie every time he opens his mouth. He told broke white people whatever they wanted to hear. That’s how he got they vote.

[Man] Yeah!

All the trailer trash wanna know is that they better than a n i g g a. [Man] Yeah. – Trump promised them everything. “I promise you gonna be better than the n i g g a.” “Trump said we gonna be better than a n i g g a. I’m gonna be better than that Jagger-Jagger n i g g a. I’m gonna be better than that Diddy-Diddy n i g g a. I’m gonna be better than that Griffin n i g g a. [shouting] Better than a n i g g a.” Y’ain’t better than a n i g g a yet, are you?

And then he promised them a wall. Where y’all wall at, white folks? What happened to the wall? Where is this– There’s no wall. ‘Cause the wall ain’t comin’, you stupid motherfuckers. And he always talking that shit, “Well, China built the Great Wall of China.” Here’s what this orange motherfucker don’t understand. There’s about one trillion Chinese. If each one of them grab a brick and toss it: wall. It wasn’t that hard. It probably took 35 seconds. There’s only 270 million Americans. Most of us are incarcerated. We ain’t got enough motherfuckers outta jail to pick up a brick! And let’s say they actually gave this fool the billions of dollars it would cost to build this monstrosity. N i g g a, let me show you how easy it is for a Mexican to circumvent this shit. The wall’s gonna end on the coast, right? California. That means it’s gonna end at the ocean. Here’s all the Mexican gotta do… Walk right around that motherfucker. They so racist they stupid. You can’t stop a Mexican. Shit. N i g g a, I got a Mexican. You’re not gettin’ mine. Every n i g g a in here got a Mexican. No black man has cut our own yard since ’94, ’95. A Mexican will cut a football field, n i g g a. Five dollars. Ask a n i g g a to cut some grass. We go, “I’ll cut your motherfuckin’ throat.” “N i g g a, I sell dope. I make ten G’s a day. Bitch, what’s your problem? Fuck outta here with that fuckboy shit.” Let me explain somethin’ to you. You better hope the Mexicans don’t go nowhere. They pick all the vegetables, all the fruits. N i g g a, they’ll pick a whole field for 25 cents.

[applause]

You get rid of Mexicans, n i g g a, your carrot is gonna cost $3,000. Salads is goin’ up to $1,500, n i g g a. And if you motherfuckers think a n i g g a is goin’ back to pick anything…

[cheers and applause]

My pickin’ years are over, motherfucker! [cheers] All we gonna do is pick what side of the jaw to crack you in, you motherfucker.

N i g g a, we had the smartest president in the history of this country. [Woman] Yes! – With Barack Obama. [cheers and applause] If you don’t agree with that statement, pffft, go home, look in the mirror, you a racist motherfucker. Barack Obama taught law at Harvard University. Harvard, the number one law school on Earth. That mean that n i g g a’s the law. That’s why Congress couldn’t fade him for eight years, n i g g a. He’s smarter than all of them. “This n i g g a’s a different kind.” “This one here’s a thinker.” “What ya gonna do about it?” “Not a goddamn thing!” “We ain’t gonna do shit for eight years, and we ain’t gonna give this jigaboo an extra dollar.” They didn’t give that brotha an extra dollar for eight years. And he still balanced the budget. ‘Cause you white folks forgot somethin’ about us n i g g a s. N i g g a s know how to do the most with the least.

[cheers and applause]

[whistles] See, Barack treated the whole country like a n i g g a treat our household budget. You go on, now n i g g a s know how to move money. “You gonna pay that?” “No, n i g g a move that over there.” “Ain’t you gonna pay the gas bill?” “Fuck no! It’s summertime. Pay the electric bill. We need the air conditioning. If ya’ pay the gas bill in the wintertime, motherfucker. We need the heat. Priorities, motherfucker. Priorities.”
They hated Obama, n i g g a, because he was everything they wished they could be.

[Man] That’s right.

N i g g a, Obama has swag, n i g g a. [Man] Yeah. – Obama walk in the room. N i g g a, the room shut down. [screech noise] The n i g g a had jokes for that ass.

We had the finest First Lady. [Audience] Yeah! – In the history of this motherfuckin’ country. In my humble opinion. If Michelle, so motherfuckin’ fine, intelligent n i g g a. Chocolate mother. She had an ass, n i g g a… You know what I mean? It’s the first time there was an ass in that goddamn raggedy White House. She was too much a queen to even be in that fucked-up shit. Every time she walked out the front door of the White House, n i g g a, the whole country said, “Goddamn!” Secret Service used to walk behind her. “Here, let me carry that, help you. Help you carry that.”

Now you got this flat booty, ironin’ board back Trump wife. N i g g a, she ain’t got no ass at all. She come out, the whole country like, “Whatever.” Secret Service standin’ next to her and, “Hmmpf, there’s nothin’ back there to guard.” “Come on. When I move, you move just like that.”
I don’t even think she’s Trump’s wife. Yeah, you better see in to CNN. Come with me for a minute. I think this bitch is Putin’s number one KGB female agent. [cheers and applause] ‘Cause I know a killer when I see one. I grew up in the projects. That bitch got a 40-yard stare. She done killed before. She got a lotta bodies on her, n i g g a. You can look at that bitch stare. N i g g a, she on assignment like a motherfucker. Hell yeah, n i g g a s. ‘Cause she front his ass off every chance she get. He be tryin’ to shake her hand, she be like, “Don’t you touch me. You’re the worst assignment I’ve ever been given. I’m waiting on Vladimir to give me the call. I’ll kill your orange ass in your sleep.” [applause] That’s why that motherfucker don’t sleep, n i g g a. He up late Tweetin’ like a motherfucker, “Help me. Help me.” There’s a Jerry Springer show goin’ on in that goddamn White House. I don’t know what you ooohin’ for. He said it hisself on TV.

[Man] Yes, he did!

Didn’t this motherfucker? He said, “N i g g a, if that wasn’t my daughter, she’s so fine, we’d be fuckin’.” I got three daughters. Every man in here that got a daughter, n i g g a, you don’t look at your daughter sexually. The fact that that came outta that maggot motherfucker’s brain lets you know what kinda sick individual you fuckin’ with. [cheers and applause] Let me explain somethin’ to my white friends here. Y’all don’t really know or appreciate how lucky you were that Obama was the first black president. That is truly the nicest n i g g a America could produce. For if it was any other n i g g a in here, including me… Day one of the Griffin Administration, right after the inn i g g aration… [cheers] White slavery! [cord cracking] Payback’s a bitch! Y’all’d’ve been some cotton-pickin’ motherfuckers. Under that Griffin Administration. Now don’t get me wrong. I’d be nice to my white slaves. I’d let y’all pick cotton at night. That way your skin don’t burn up. You got to let your white slaves work the night shift. As soon as the sun go down, “Goddammit, here we go again!” And let’s keep it 100, y’all. I think white people coulda been slaves for about five minutes. No, they too arrogant, n i g g a. They’d be out in the field, “This is some fuckin’ bullshit! Do you have any sunscreen? I’m fuckin’ peelin’! It’s fuckin’ hot, master. It’s fuckin’ hot. I’m gonna sue you, master n i g g a. I’m gonna sue you, master.” [laughs] [hand hitting mic] N i g g a, the black slave owners come out on their porch. “Go on and let ’em go. They didn’t pick nothin’ no goddamn way. All they do is lay on the ground and bitch about how hot it is. Them motherfuckers keep singin’ outta tune. Don’t nobody wanna hear that shit.” ‘Cause n i g g a, when we were indentured servants out in that hot motherfuckin’ sun pickin’ cotton, we wasn’t on the ground bitchin’ about the heat. Them brothas and sistas were strong, n i g g a. N i g g a, they still had a song in their heart. They was out there singin’ their ass off.

♪ Jesus why ♪
♪ Come on down and kill that honky Jesus ♪

Y’all remember that one? N i g g a, that was a Top Ten Negro spiritual. Fuck y’all, n i g g a. That motherfucker went quadruple cotton. See, we didn’t have platinum back then. [sigh] I see some of you motherfuckers lookin’ at me like, “He gonna sing ‘Go Down, Moses.'” I don’t go back that far. I sing “Kill That Honky.” [laughs] N i g g a, if you had white slaves out in the field singin’, they’d be fuckin’ a good song up.

♪ “Fuckin’ ain’t right ♪
♪ Oh no yeah right kee-kee-kee-ha” ♪

N i g g a, the black master come out on his porch, “What that motherfucker singin’? Oh, no! Fuck that. Kill that motherfucker. Ain’t no devil worshippin’ on this plantation. This here the Lord’s plantation, motherfucker. What the fuck is a kee-kee-kee-ha? Now clear out. I’ll pick the cotton my goddamn self.” “Hey, hey, slow down, n i g g a. Slow your ass down. Now don’t you touch that big-booty white girl.” “No, master, I was right here on my porch. I swear that she didn’t do nothin’. As for the rest of them. Get them. Leave that big-booty white girl alone. Master Dick don’t discriminate. Now, I don’t like ’em, but my dick say they all right.” “Come right this way. Come on. Now get on in there. We gonna make some little niglets.” ‘Cause what’s ailin’ our beautiful country is racism. [Woman] Yes! – Pussy can cure racism. It has already. You wanna fix this country, start fuckin’! If you don’t believe me, it’s already happenin’. Look around the room. There go two of them right there. That white boy gave up. “Oh, fuck it. I’m with the n i g g a s.” ‘Cause pussy cure racism, man. That redneck motherfucker be talkin’ careshit. “Who bein’ fucked by a n i g g a? Fuck them porch monkeys.” That motherfucker get some of that chocolate pussy… [groans and moans] “Well, you know they’re human.”

[cheers and applause]

[laughs] N i g g a be talkin’ careshit. “Man, fuck them honky motherfuckers. I don’t trust them crackers.” N i g g a gets some of that kink-pink. You know we got a longer stroke, n i g g a. [applause] N i g g a, there’s this ol’ sayin’. I’m sure the older brothas and sistas in here done heard it before me, and it still holds water today, n i g g a. If God made somethin’ better than pussy, he kept it for himself. [applause] N i g g a, I don’t think there’s a man in this room on this Earth that can handle somethin’ better than pussy. Pussy already break your wallet. Dicks don’t break purses. Countries have gone to war over pussy. There are no dick wars. Pussy will leave with your house. I don’t think you hear me. There’s a bitch walkin’ outta a courtroom right now somewhere on Earth with a brand-new house after the divorce. That bitch walk out, “Girl, what you get?” “I got the house.” You ain’t never seen dick walk outta courtroom with shit! “Hey, my dude, what you get?” “N i g g a, I gotta get a job. Yeah. I gotta pay alimony. Mony, mony, child support. I ain’t even gettin’ the pussy no more, man!” Pussy get free shit. No woman in my audience tonight shoulda bought a motherfuckin’ ticket to my show. Pussy get free shit. Look at the dumb bitches in here, “I’m doin’ it all wrong.” You sure is, you stupid motherfucker. Pussy get free shit! “Hey, baby, I wanna see Eddie Griffin. Give me 240 n i g g a tickets. My pussy wanna laugh.” “I’m hungry.” “Feed my pussy. Whatever it want, on me. I got it.” “I wanna see a movie.” “Two tickets for the pussy, please. Give the pussy some popcorn, too. Small Coke. The bitch got diabetes. I don’t want her dyin’ on me.”

[cheers and applause]

[laughs]

Pussy get free shit! Dick don’t get shit free. N i g g a, ask your woman for somethin’ to eat. “Look in the ‘frigerator, n i g g a. Somethin’ in there.” “Hey, baby, I’d like to see a movie.” “We got cable, n i g g a. Turn it on.” The only time dick gets free shit is when you come off the ceiling on the pussy. Now I see you young motherfuckers lookin’ at me like, “Oh, hey, what’s that mean?” The older brothas in here, like, “You know it, n i g g a.” When you come off the ceiling, you young motherfuckers, that’s when you go up so high on the upstroke, the ceiling fan smack you in the ass. You gotta beat a pussy up, n i g g a. [cheers] You gotta hit that motherfucker in the mouth. Wham! You gotta swell that bitch up, n i g g a. You gotta make it look like a wasp’s nest stung it. N i g g a, you gotta give pussy a ten count. Pussy out! If you did it right, that bitch gotta soak in some Epsom salt for a couple of days. And look at the little-dick motherfuckers in here. “It really happen like that?” Yeah, little motherfucker. N i g g a, I’m handlin’ my business. You know, I ain’t gonna sit up here and brag, n i g g a, but you know, I get return visits. You know when you doin’ somethin’, n i g g a. You fly into their town or country… ’cause I’m an international n i g g a. I get around. [laughs] And they like, “You with anybody tonight? You wanna reminisce?” ‘Cause you done put that… I’m handlin’ my n i g g a. Before I flew out here to shoot this, n i g g a, my wife’s sittin’ in the kitchen, n i g g a, and she said, “Yeah, I wish I could cut your dick off before you leave.” I said, “Excuse me?” I was in a state of shock, too, n i g g a. I just backed up. You know, the bitch had a knife in her hand. She was cookin’, but fuck the dumb shit. I ain’t takin’ no chance. I said, “So what the fuck is that all about?” She like, “That way I know when you get to Boston, n i g g a, you just filmin’, not out there fuckin’ around. I’m tired of you comin’ home with new children.”

[chatter and laughter]

I didn’t have no answer for that new. I got ten kids, n i g g a. I ain’t tellin’ on myself. Quieter than a motherfucker. I was mad, too, n i g g a. I’m sittin’ in the kitchen. “This bitch ain’t gonna hit me with a zinger. I’m the comedian in this motherfuckin’ family. I’m the n i g g a that tell the jokes. You don’t hit me with a one-liner and shut me the fuck up. Shit, who the fuck do you think you is, bitch? You outta your motherfuckin’ mind. I’ll fuck you…” Said all that shit to myself. She had the knife in her hand. I ain’t stupid, you know. I almost missed the flight gettin’ here, n i g g a, because I hate losin’, n i g g a. I don’t know how to lose, n i g g a. So, n i g g a, I’m sittin’ there ’til my brain turned back on. I’m like, “This bitch ain’t just gonna leave me with this shit.” N i g g a, my brain finally turned back on. Said, “What you got against kids? Just ’cause they ain’t yours?” That bitch threw that knife, n i g g a. And see, I made it here safely. I was thinkin’ about the shit on the flight, n i g g a. I said, “Damn.” Now all this time I thought she was gettin’ upset over stupid shit ’cause I live in Vegas, n i g g a. Like comin’ home the next afternoon.” I’m tryin’ to win my money back, n i g g a. And immediately she think a n i g g a fuckin’. “You out there fuckin’.” “Not all the time.” I’m an honest n i g g a. Not all the time. N i g g a, I was thinkin’ about it. N i g g a, I said, “N i g g a, it’s the dickin’.” This whole time I’m thinkin’ this shit is about time. Fellas, it ain’t about time. It’s about the dickin’. See, if you dick her down properly, now the Knights of the Round Table know what I’m talkin’ about. You little-dick motherfuckers, just think about it. But if you dick her down properly, her brain becomes dicktified. Root word, addickted. N i g g a, all she think about is your dick 24 hours a day. N i g g a, you walk outta your house, that bitch like, “The dick is leavin’. Who the dick leavin’ with? You know, when you left here yesterday, I called the dick on the phone. The dick didn’t answer. What is the dick doin’?” N i g g a, if you dick ’em down proper, you take three steps outta your house, a female mind immediately comes up with scenarios that have nothin’ to do with reality. N i g g a, you go uno, dos, tres, “Bye, baby.” “Hold it, n i g g a. Who you think you foolin’? You think I’m stupid, don’t ya? Talkin’ about you goin’ to shoot. Pool, Eddie. Ain’t nobody shot pool since 1973. You out there fuckin’, you little black motherfucker!” I started thinkin’ about this shit. Fellas, if we had detachable dicks, and ladies, be honest with your motherfuckin’ self, y’all wouldn’t give a fuck if we ever came in. N i g g a, we could stay gone for a week, two weeks maybe. Her girlfriend will come over. “I ain’t seen your husband. Every time I come over here, that n i g g a ain’t here. Did y’all get into an argument or somethin’? Y’all get a divorce?” She like, “No girl. Shit, Eddie left, when was it? Last Friday? Oh, the n i g g a ain’t doin’ nothin’, though, ’cause the dick is in the drawer.” “The dick is in the drawer. You wanna play with it?” “N i g g a, your ass really somewhere shootin’ pool? You talkin’ careshit. Yeah, n i g g a. Two times off the rail corner pocket. N i g g a, I done beat you two games, n i g g a. Ain’t nobody set your ass up. Put your money where your mouth is, n i g g a. Otherwise close it. Your breath smells like you had a shit sandwich.” “Hold on there, n i g g a. [groans] Y’all play without me. My wife is playin’ with my dick again. She lettin’ her girlfriend play.” Ladies, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander. See, if my wife got the bomb, that’s why she got the ring. “Baby, where you goin’?” “Uh– we gonna go out. It’s girls’ night out.” [laughter] “Put the pussy in the drawer. Put the pussy in the motherfuckin’ drawer. Take them lips off. In the drawer. Oh, bitch, you ain’t goin’ nowhere with that throat. In the drawer. Take them titties off, bitch. Right on top. In the drawer. You ain’t goin’ nowhere with that right hand, either, bitch. In the drawer.” Them bitches meet up at the club, like, [mumbling] “He wouldn’t let me leave with my ass.” [applause] “He wouldn’t let me leave with my ass.” N i g g a, you know one of them bitches show up blind. “He told me he don’t want me lookin’ at nobody.” [applause] I’m just sayin’, ladies, y’all got more shit you gonna have to come up off of. That hair, in the motherfuckin’ drawer. Them eyelashes. They ain’t yours. No goddamn way. In the motherfuckin’ drawer. And bitch, take them motherfuckin’ feet off. Some of these n i g g a s got foot fetishes. N i g g a, I get done with my wife, she gonna be a motherfuckin’ head. I’ll grab her by her eye-not-havin’-ass and roll her out the door. “Have fun, baby! I hope y’all goin’ bowlin’. That’s all the fuck you gonna be able to do. I’m gonna fuck the shit out your body while you’re gone.” I told you, n i g g a, I’m comin’ to hurt you. I don’t do chuckles, n i g g a. [chuckles] I’ll hurt you, n i g g a. You’ll leave my show with a six-pack. “Hey, n i g g a, where you been trainin’ at?” “That Eddie Griffin show, n i g g a. That n i g g a tighten your shit right up, n i g g a.” N i g g a, you remember when… N i g g a, you remember when you was 16? How many fellas in here remember when you was 16, n i g g a? You remember, n i g g a, we could fuck seven to nine times a day? [sigh] Well, some of you motherfuckers got a short libido, n i g g a. Seven to nine wasn’t shit for me, n i g g a. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks in-between, late-night snack, before breakfast. N i g g a, when you was 16, n i g g a, you bust a nut, your shit come right back in ten seconds. “Oh, yeah. Oh, you was good, bitch. Hey, we ain’t done.” N i g g a, when I got in my 20s, I could still go, n i g g a. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, late-night snack, early mornin’. N i g g a, you get in your 30s, “Hey, you wanna fuck before we go to work or when we get off?” Your ass start gettin’ tired, n i g g a. N i g g a, you get in your 40s, “Uh, look, we gonna fuck Monday…” “Wednesday…” “You wanna do Friday after work?” “Or Saturday after the club?” N i g g e r, you get in your 50s… [laughter] “Thursday good for me.” “Thursday? Oh, no! We ain’t doin’ shit on the weekend, bitch. That mouth’s been drivin’ this n i g g a crazy.” “Sunday’s out, bitch. I’m watchin’ the game.” “I said Thursday. Thursday. Thursday then. Yeah.” N i g g a, you get 60, 70, “Uh, lookie here, we gonna fuck December 17. At approximately 4:37. I’m gonna put a strong three minutes on ya. Then I’ll see your ass again next year. If we still alive.” ‘Cause the older we get, n i g g a, God put a tickin’ clock on our dick. It has to die, n i g g a. You ain’t supposed to have children when you’re 77. You won’t be alive to see the motherfucker graduate grade school. That’s why every year it die a little bit more. [groans] But now you got these old n i g g a s be cheatin’. Yeah, they got them Jesus pills. Yeah, that’s what I call them, n i g g a. Them Viagras be givin’ the n i g g a res-erections. Get it? Res-erections, Jesus pill? This motherfucker slower than my mother. You know when you done caught one of these cheatin’ motherfuckers, ladies, because they be at a club with nothin’ but 30-year-olds, and they ass on the dancefloor, n i g g a. The one they got there. “Yeah! Yeah! I’m back in the game! I’m back in the game. Ah, ah!” N i g g a, they be tryin’ to holler at them young things. “Hey, hey, hey, what you say over there, candy? Which one of you bitches wanna automobile?” They so old, they don’t call it a car, n i g g a. “Automobile.” And don’t laugh, ladies. Y’all be fadin’ them old motherfuckers. [laughs] “Girl, where you goin’?” “I’m goin’ to get me an automobile.” ‘Cause they know them old motherfuckers can’t fuck longer than ten seconds. N i g g a, they be on them pills. [groans] “Felt my heart jump outta my chest. Slow down, goddammit. I asked for some pussy, not a casket.

[applause]

Oooh, aaah! [groans] I’m goin’ home. Keep the automobile. Tell your girlfriends about Sweet Papa Willow. I’ll see you next year. Oh, goddamn, this thing won’t go down. I shoulda put my glasses on when I read the instructions. I think I took too many of them. Oh, I can feel my heartbeat throbbing in the mother… I just gotta fuck somethin’, dammit. Shit!” [mic hitting wall] They want every one of our black entertainers, me included, n i g g a, to have a [indistinct]. If you in my business and you black, you not gonna die clean. They got Tiger Woods. But Tiger helped ’em. That n i g g a fucked around and married him a white woman. Now nothin’ against you white women in here, but this n i g g a here, no. [laughs] No and no, and hell no.

[laughs]

See, I do research. Every famous n i g g a that’s been with a white woman got problems. O.J.’s still fucked up. His white woman been dead for years. N i g g a’s still fucked up! Lookit, they got Tiger Woods. He married one. And n i g g a, she got a divorce, and she left with damn near half a billion dollars, man. This bitch ain’t hit one golf ball. So you ladies gettin’ outta hand with that motherfuckin’ “I’m takin’ half of your shit” shit. How you an independent bitch and runnin’ away with money? If you was here for money… see, if you leave with money, and this is my honest opinion about the shit. Bitch, if we equal, I came with dick, you came with pussy. Let’s leave with what we got.

[applause]

How y’all keep tryin’ to make pussy higher case value than dick? ‘Cause the bitch always say this shit, “I gave you all this pussy.” “Bitch, I gave you all this dick!” “We even, motherfucker.” And then at the end, they say, “I want half.” See, that’s called bein’ a ho. See, if it wasn’t about money, bitch, what you want money for at the end? See, I’d rather a real ho. They just tell you up front, “$500 tonight, n i g g a, one hour.” Not these long-term sneaky hoes. “I don’t want your money, Eddie.” ‘Til they’re in the divorce court. “I want it all, n i g g a. “You been fuckin’ me for years.” “Yep. That’s what people do when they together, motherfucker.” This bitch left with half a billion dollars. N i g g a, not on my watch. She lucky she wasn’t my wife, n i g g a. They’d have found her. I swear to God, n i g g a. Let me explain somethin’ to you beautiful ladies in my audience tonight. I love each and every one of you motherfuckers, but not one of y’all got a pussy worth half a billion dollars. Now, it might be some $250 pussies up in this motherfucker… It might be some $2,500 pussies up in this motherfucker… Might be some $10,000 on a Saturday, n i g g a, because you been wantin’ to fuck Halle Berry for a while. But it ain’t no half a billion dollar pussies on Earth. N i g g a s, trying to take that bitch fishin’. That’s why billionaires have yachts.

[applause]

“What happened to her?” “She fell overboard. I tried to save her.” N i g g a, we get back to shore, I’ll put seaweed around my own neck. “I jumped in. I tried everything. To save that bitch. I mean my wife.” “What happened to her?” “The sharks just ate her up. Them white sharks. Yeah. They racist. They only eat white people.” That’s why they call them great white sharks. They only eat white people. Even the shark is racist in this goddamn country. They asked the shark, “Would you eat a n i g g a?” “No, no. They’re tough. I tried one. I lost a lot of teeth. They fight back.” Mexicans…[laughs], Mexicans, y’all don’t know how good y’all got it. You know, even though they got all this shit. They fuckin’ with Mexicans now with this DACA shit and all this. They fuckin’ with really the brain drain that comes from India and other motherfuckin’ nations that got a better education system that come over here to get educated and run these motherfuckin’ companies. N i g g a, they fuckin’ with the Mexicans, n i g g a, for some fuckin’ reason. I’m here to tell you, n i g g a. Um, [sighs] Mexicans, y’all don’t know how good you got it. See, when white people fuck with y’all, Mexico right next door. Yeah. You can walk home. N i g g a, if Africa was that close… Now you get what the fuck I’m talkin’ about. N i g g a, that first whip [mimics whipping sound], “Get the children. We are walking home. Get the children, woman. We’re gettin’ outta this motherfucker. Who do you think you are hitting me, you son of a bitch! I do not work for free, you motherfucker. My name is not Tyrone. It is not motherfuckin’ Leroy. It is Shaka. Fuck you! Get the woman. Children, let’s go. We are walking out this, bitch.” It’d be a mass exodus. And then white people, you would finally have your dream. An all-white America. Confederate flags everywhere. Not a n i g g a in sight. This country wouldn’t be shit. [chatter] There would be no open-brain surgery. We did that. There would be no open-heart surgery. We did that. There would be no street lights. That’s why they red, yellow, and green. Jamaican flag, n i g g a. [applause] If somebody white did it, it’d be red, white, and blue. You go on the blue. Music wouldn’t be shit. There would be no blues four-bar progression. There would be no rock ‘n’ roll. We created that motherfucker extension of the blues. That’s right, white folks. We takin’ our shit back. You better go to Chuck Berry’s grave and find out who did this shit. There would be no R&B . There would be no funk. There would be no jazz. There would be no bee-bop turnin’ into hip-hop non-stop motherfucker goin’ ’round the clock, n i g g a s, until you drop. [applause and cheers] There would be no gospel worth listenin’ to. [chatter and laughter] All there’d be left, n i g g a, is twang-twang. Twang-twang. Twang-twang.

♪ She ran off with Petey ♪
♪ My favorite dog ♪
♪ I only know where four-legged fuckers go ♪

N i g g a suicide rate would go up 2000%. The national anthem would not be worth listenin’ to. N i g g a, whenever we sing it… N i g g a, Whitney sung it so well, God rest that sista’s soul.

[applause and cheers]

When Sista Whitney sung it, n i g g a, she sung it so well it made a n i g g a feel like they really wanted us in this country. You understand me? The beginnin’ of a baseball game, Whitney would get to hittin’ that motherfucker, “Oh say… can you see… I see… By the dawn, early in the mornin’ light… light it up, light it up.” N i g g a, you leave the baseball game all hyped… “N i g g a [indistinct] shit, n i g g a.” Police pull you over. [hitting mic] “Fuck this motherfuckin’ country! Fuck that goddamn song, too.” Y’all would never win another summer Olympics, white folks. I’m sorry. Scott, Bob, Jill… Sally. No more gold in the summer. I don’t even know why white folks show up to the summer Olympics. You not gonna beat a n i g g a in the heat. We from the hottest continent on Earth. Africa. Originally known as Alkebulan. You not gonna beat a n i g g a in the heat, man. Y’understand me? Why do you show up for a foot race against black people? Do you really think you can beat us runnin’? We got too much practice, n i g g a. We run from our parents. “Put it down, n i g g a! I told you when we get to the store, you don’t pick up a motherfuckin’ dime.” We run from gangs. “Come here, n i g g a. Where my shit at?” “I don’t know, cuz!” We run from the police. “Well, what do you got?” “Well, uh, a lollipop. Oh, goddamn!” You see, police helicopters can’t catch n i g g a s. You watch that shit, First 48 ? Helicopter: “We lost him again. Oh, the n i g g a jumped over two houses and made a left.” You know that race they got, n i g g a, the 100-meter dash, n i g g a? And it’s always 27 n i g g a s from 27 n i g g a countries. One white dude. And you can see on his face when he gettin’ in the blocks. “[grunts] Oh! I’m gonna be lookin’ at a lot o’ n i g g a ass in a minute.” Get it, ’cause they in front of him. The one race that white people think they can beat us in is the long-distance race. You see ’em practicin’ out here in Boston at the marathon, New York. “Hey, what are you doin’?” “I’m getting ready for the n i g g a s. Oh, you gotta train. They just got natural ability.” Train as you may, white folks, you not gonna beat them three Ethiopians. [cheers and applause] Regular n i g g a s from America can’t beat them motherfuckers. Them eggheads always come in first, second, third, n i g g a. You not fuckin’ with the eggheads, n i g g a. They got them eggheads. Body skin and bones. They used to runnin’ for weeks. Chasin’ gazelles for sustenance. N i g g a, gazelles will be fallin’ down. “One of us is going to have to take one. You are the weak one. Only the strong can survive.” “No, they chased my cousin two weeks ago. They don’t stop. They smile when they run. I can hear their teeth chattering in the distance.” Now you know how motherfuckers come across the line, n i g g a, at the end of the race? They be tired, n i g g a s. They ran for two days. “Can I get some water, some water? Give me some fuckin’ water!” N i g g a, them Ethiopians come across the line…

[applause]

“You want some water?” “I never touch the stuff. The blood of the gazelle is all the sustenance I need. Who wants to run again?” N i g g a, y’all goin’ to church this Sunday? I suggest everybody get your ass to church and get your money back. Hurry up, goddammit it! If Joel Osteen didn’t prove to you finally what I’ve been tryin’ to tell you for 30 motherfuckin’ years… It’s a goddamn scam, man! God don’t live in no church. Nowhere in the Bible, and I read it 17 times, nowhere in it does it say, “Build me a house on Fifth and Nowhere. I only like stained-glass windows. ‘Cause I don’t want nobody lookin’ in on the hustle. I mean, the truth. I want hard wooden benches in there ’cause I don’t want nobody comfortable. I need a greasy n i g g a with a perm whose neck looks like a half a pack of hot dogs. Who’s a silver-tongued mackin’ motherfucker. And he sweats before he starts talkin’. ‘Cause he’s from Hell.” “What you gonna call him?” “The preacher. I need 12 to 15 fat bucket o’ chicken-eatin’ bitches with curtains on.” “What you gonna call them?” “The choir. I need two homosexuals with tambourines.” “Why they there?” “I don’t know. I just like how they shake it.” I need an old n i g g a who’s senile. Dress him in purple. Put a lot of medals on him. Sit him right next to the pew.” “What you gonna call him?” “The deacon.” “What you gonna call this organization?” “Church.” N i g g a, church done got so bad, they got ATM machines in the motherfuckers. Am I bullshittin’? And n i g g a, here’s how these preachers preach nowadays. I’m tellin’ you, the church is in trouble. Them motherfuckers be in there, “Oh, yeah, welcome to God’s house. Thank you. Uh-huh. Now, you’re here. You see we have installed an ATM machine ’cause some of y’all have been not bringin’ God’s money. Now you pay your light bill. You pay your gas bill. You pay your taxes. Uncle Sam get his. God can’t have his? That’s why I installed the hot boilin’ waters of correction. Now, a lot of y’all see the flames at the bottom of the bathtub… You see Brother Williams didn’t bring God money last Sunday. You’re probably lookin’ at these two large swollen n i g g a s here wonderin’ what they purpose is. Go get Brother Williams. Bring him up here.” They dip that n i g g a in the hot, boilin’ water and… [screams] “Sound like he’s screamin’, don’t it? That’s not what it is. That’s the demons leavin’ him. Look at how fast he ran to get God’s money outta the brand-new ATM machine. Is there anybody else in here late with the Lord’s issue?” The only difference between a white church and a black church. White church will fuck your son. I don’t like false indignation. Y’all watch the same goddamn news I watch. Them priests been little-boy fuckin’ for quite a while. That’s why they wear them white robes, n i g g a. They buck naked underneath. They don’t even walk to the pulpit. They float. ‘Cause little Timmy underneath there butt-ass naked on roller skates suckin’ dick. Now you can go on. Black church will fuck your wife. N i g g a, if your wife is sittin’ on the front row at church every Sunday, you might wanna ask that bitch a couple of questions. What position was you in to get this motherfucker position every Sunday? ‘Cause only a black preacher will ask your ass some shit like this. “Lookie here, I was wonderin’ if your wife could stay after for a little private Bible study.” “Uh, lookie here, what the fuck you gonna tell my bitch you ain’t gonna tell the rest of these bitches in here? So let me explain me to you, partner. I don’t believe none of this bullshit of motherfucker sleepin’ in the whale for three months. I don’t know what the fuck this cartoon shit is. I only come here to keep this bitch happy. I don’t give a fuck about you, greasy n i g g a. Now, ask me another motherfuckin’ question and I got a last question for you. How about if I blow your motherfuckin’ brains out so you can see what you thinkin’ is some bullshit?” “Well, I can see that you was the wrong n i g g a to ask. I’ll see you at the church picnic.” God is free. Don’t forget it. God don’t need no money. Never wanted no money, n i g g a. Them Romans wrote that in the book. Tithing. God want ten%. What the fuck would God want ten% of what he already own? He own everything. That’s like me rippin’ my sleeve off, stickin’ it in my pocket. I already got it. Every church I been to, not one of them got a tube to suck the money up to God. But the greasy n i g g a with a perm got a mansion, a private jet, a helicopter, four hoes and a dog. You can’t pimp a pimp, player. I ain’t givin’ you a dime, motherfucker. Fuck you. God free. Get on your knees. Pray direct to the source, n i g g a. He don’t need no middle man, n i g g a. Read the book. Just don’t go to church. Read it for yourself, n i g g a. You know how to read. Who is this n i g g a? Who made this n i g g a the liaison? “You can only get to the Lord through me.” Read the motherfucker. God said, “If two or more come in my name, I’m in the presence.” Ain’t that what he said? Well, there’s more than two of us. I brought the n i g g a name up. That mean he here. Welcome to church, you motherfuckers. Now, here at the Eddie Griffin church, I ain’t gonna pass the plate around. I charged your ass up front. I’m honest about my shit. Boston, y’all a fun bunch of motherfuckers.

[applause and cheers]

No, really. Y’all some fun motherfuckers.

[Woman] Thank you!

Now lookie here.

[Man] You are, too.

Oh shit! Thirty years. You could tell. I still love doin’ this shit.

[crowd] Yeah!

[applause]

Now, uh, [laughs] if I offended anybody in this audience tonight, fuck you. These are the jokes. Ha-ha. If you check your ticket, motherfucker, it said comedy show. It didn’t say serious show. If you took any of these soliloquies that flew outta my mouth serious, you got a problem. Go get another Cab Sav. Sit down. Discuss it with somebody. You got hang-ups, you motherfucker. If I offended any white people in here this evening, I was talkin’ about racist white people. If you were offended, then you the motherfucker I was talkin’ to. [applause] If I offended any Mexicans in here tonight, prove me wrong. Why the fuck do you like workin’ hard all the goddamn time? Be late like a n i g g a sometimes. If I offended any Asians in here tonight, [laughs] cook somethin’ without rice. Shrimp fried rice, chicken fried Rice. Rice, rice, rice. People don’t want rice in every goddamn thing! How about some shrimp fried collard greens? That shit sound good to a motherfucker, don’t it? Throw some cayenne pepper on that bitch. [laughs] If I offended any African Americans in here this evening, welcome home, you boojee-ass n i g g a s. If I offended [laughs] any ladies and women in here this evening, [laughs], I was talkin’ about bitches and hoes. If you were offended…

[laughter]

If I offended any Christians in here tonight, go to Hell… [laughter] with gasoline-dipped drawers. That way, you ignite on arrival. I don’t want you to miss none of your flame time. Can’t stand Christians, the most judgmental motherfuckers on Earth. Only a goddamn Christian, “You goin’ to Hell.” How the fuck you know? Like God came down. “Oh, let that n i g g a know he’s goin’ to Hell. I’m kinda busy right now.” Obviously you didn’t read your own book again, motherfucker. It says, “Judge lest you be judged.” Only God can judge me. You could sit back and enjoy the show and shut the fuck up, you hypocrite motherfuckers. Out smokin’ dicks and weed all week, then puttin’ $20 on the plate on Sunday and think you paid for your transgressions. Like God can’t see past your fuck-ass charade. At least I’m honest with my heavenly Father. You know I drink. You know I smoke, not just cigarettes. And I’m fuckin’ on a bitch I’m not married to. You made the position. You made it so good. Hey, a pussy like M&Ms. You can’t eat just one. If I offended any Muslims in here, As-Salaam-Alaikum. I’m not fuckin’ with them. They’ll blow us up, n i g g a.

[laughs]

Hey, that was a joke. As-Salaam-Alaikum. Al-hamdulillah, al-hamdulillah, n i g g a. Inshallah, n i g g a, inshallah. N i g g a. N i g g a, I was… Fuck y’all, n i g g a. My brain poppin’, n i g g a. Imagine bein’ a sperm, n i g g a. I was just thinkin’ about this shit. Imagine n i g g a sperm just swimmin’ around in a n i g g a dick that ain’t gettin’ no pussy. “This sure is some bullshit, man. N i g g a, we been down here for five years, man. I ain’t never gonna see the light o’ day again. This n i g g a, I swear to God he ain’t shit! Why we gotta be in this n i g g a’s dick?” It look like he gonna get some pussy, n i g g a. “All right, everybody line up. This is it. Line up, n i g g a s. This motherfucker’s got some.” N i g g a, the Old Sperm come by. “Y’all don’t wanna go out there. This shit ain’t real. That n i g g a jackin’ off. You gonna end up on a towel. Dry and crunchy. I lost 50 billion sons that way. It ain’t never been real with this motherfucker. That’s how I’m still here, n i g g a. I know when it’s real. Shit!” Any motherfucker get some pussy, n i g g a, and they come out and got a condom on. “Back up. This ain’t it! Back up! I can see it. Stop pushin’! Stop pushin’!” Then the motherfucker flush the condom down the toilet. “We shoulda listened to the old man.” [applause and laughter] Say you finally, you, you finally consummate your relationship and you havin’ sex without a condom. And they get to come out into some actual pussy. Them mothers come out… [whoosh] “Rub the walls, n i g g a! Oh, it’s so juicy.” N i g g a, the Old Sperm come out. [heavy breathing] “Well, I be goddamn! I never thought I’d live to see it. Which one of y’all know where the automobiles is?”

[applause]

“Come on. Follow me. I know the way to the head. Shake your tailfeather, motherfucker. Shake your tailfeather.” And them motherfuckers start droppin’ one by one. [groans] [heavy breathing] “Hey, hold up, Pop. Hey, everybody we fell out, and we been swimmin’ for a long time. How deep is this bitch?” “This bitch deeper than a [indistinct]. “Just keep swimmin’, just keep swimmin’.” “Hey, Pop, let’s just, let’s just wait right here. Take a break like everybody else. We can make it to the egg in the morning.” “Junior, we ain’t gonna make it. We been set up. This bitch is on the pill.” [applause] Imagine, [laughs] imagine bein’ a sperm in a gay motherfucker’s dick. [groans and sighs] “Didn’t nobody clean this bitch out? There is mud everywhere. They ain’t nothin’ but corn and peanuts all in this mud. I think we’re in the wrong spot.” My motherfuckin’ face gettin’ stuck too, n i g g a. All right. Let’s get serious. N i g g a, I’d like to pour out some liquor, if you don’t mind, for some loved ones that I lost on this journey for 30 years in this game we call entertainment. You know what I mean? Yeah, man. This first one, [sighs], oh man, is goin’ out to Brotha Charlie Murphy.

[applause and cheers]

[Man] Be right, Charlie. N i g g a, I’ve had the privilege and the pleasure, man, of bein’ on tour with Brotha Charlie for three & a half years, damn near four years, man, up until the day he died. You know, it was the Comedy Get-Down Tour with me, Brotha Lopez, D.L. Hughley, big Ced the Entertainer, you know what I mean.

[applause and chatter]

To watch a man that strong. I mean, Charlie was a man’s man. Ya’ know he was man amongst men like a motherfucker. You know, Charlie would walk into a room, and everybody was like, “Is the n i g g a gonna kill somebody?” You know, Charlie had a permanent smile. You couldn’t tell if he was mad or happy. But I watched this brotha fight cancer and tell all of us not to tell nobody. We watched him go to the hospital, do chemotherapy on a Wednesday, walk out that hospital, walk in front of 20,000 people and kill it on Friday. That’s how strong this brotha was. You know what I mean? [applause] I know Heaven is funnier than a motherfucker right now. Dick Gregory just went up there, y’understand me? N i g g a, I know Charlie up in Heaven, n i g g a, like a motherfucker. “Charlie Murphy’s in Heaven. Darkness is spreading. Look at Rick James. Got his feet on God’s couch. Silly motherfucker. Look at Prince over there playing buck-naked basketball. He ain’t gonna be up here long.” This next one is goin’ out to Brotha Bernie Mac. [applause and cheers] N i g g a, you know Bernie up in Heaven. “What the fuck goin’ on up here? Some motherfucker angel flyin’ around in a motherfuckin’ corner over there. Flyin’ around in a motherfucker circle. A motherfucker circle. Got one motherfuckin’ good wing; the other wing look like a barbecued chicken wing. That motherfucker from Hell. He from Hell. He a burnt-up motherfucker comin’ up here tryin’ to spy on motherfuckers. He’s spyin’ on motherfuckers. Spyin’ on my motherfuckin’ Heaven.” [applause and cheers] Now you know Prince up there. [laughter] “Dearly beloved… We’re gathered here today to get to this thing called life. The word life, means Heaven. That’s been a long time, but I’m here to tell you…”

[applause]

[scream] N i g g a, you know, Michael is still at the gate. They ain’t let that n i g g a in yet. Michael at the gate: “You know who it is.” [grunts]

♪ Gotta-gone gotta-gone ♪
♪ You know who it is ♪
♪ You know who it is ♪
♪ You know who it is you know who it is ♪

[applause]

Peter right at the gate. “Uh, no I don’t.” “You do not fit the description that I have.” [laughter] Now you know Sammy Davis up in that motherfucker. “Um… stop it, man. Stop it! You guys are kookie, man. Um, excuse me, um, God. You know, I’ve been here for quite a while, and um, I– I really adore you, man. I mean, you know, you’re magnanimous in your greatness. There’s no one like you. You are the cat of cats, dig that, man. And you know, since I’ve been here, you know, I’ve, I’ve, I’ve danced for you. You know, I– I– I– I was just wondering, when do I get a new eye?” You know, Rich is up in there. That’s one of my closest, closest n i g g a s for years. And, n i g g a, I know [indistinct] motherfucker.

[laughter]

“Excuse me, God. I was wonderin’ if I could have a moment of your time. I know that you’re a very busy God. You got a whole universe of shit to worry about. You know, white peoples is killin’ each other, there’s an orange motherfucker in the White House. You understand me? Mexicans, they ain’t comin’ or goin’. They just confused. The n i g g a s is like, ‘What the fuck?’ So, I know you’re busy with all that kinda shit, and you know, we still can’t find Kanye. I coulda told him about that. Shit, every n i g g a that fucked one of them goddamn Kardashians come up missin’. Or they end up in rehab or some kinda shit. Shit, Bruce Jenner was the only white man to beat a n i g g a in the summer Olympics. He stuck his dick in the mama and said, ‘Fuck it. Take my dick. Give me a dress.’ I don’t wanna bore you with the details. Anyway, I been on the south side of Heaven since I got here. And the peoples over there, they complainin’. they didn’t wanna tell you ’cause they scared of ya. They asked me to deliver the message ’cause they know I don’t give a fuck. Anyway, you know, you been known to drown people and fire and brimstone, lightnin’. You kinda scare a n i g g a. Anyway, they said your son Jesus, he been over there. The boy ain’t took a bath since I been here. He walkin’ on his bath water. The n i g g a keep walkin’ around. You can’t get the n i g g a wet. He dodged showered raindrops. Look, people’s noses are hurtin’. We was wonderin’, um, if you could hit the n i g g a with a ligtnin’ storm. And wash him up a little bit. And the other thing, he’s an arrogant motherfucker, too. He said he’s your only son. You said we all your children. I’m confused like a motherfucker. You know? That’s some shit you n i g g a s need to get together and discuss. That ain’t got nothin’ to do with me. Well, that aside, uh, on a more personal note, you said Heaven is whatever a n i g g a want. Well… I was wonderin’, would ya mind if I snort the clouds? All I want is some cocaine since a n i g g a got up in this motherfucker. It look like cocaine to me. [giggles] Okay, I can see that I’ve upset you. I don’t wanna get struck by the lightnin’. If you change your mind, I’ll be right over here on cloud nine.”

[applause] [cheering]

Boston, love you. Good night. Take the Lord with you.

[applause and cheers]

[♪♪♪]

[music fades out]