[“Post That” by Deon Cole and Terry Hunter playing]
[music fades]
Man, that mean a lot. Hello, Los Angeles. How y’all doing?
Thank you for coming out. I’d like to just jump into the shit if you don’t mind. Y’all good with that?
[man] Yes, sir!
I ain’t fucking with no more women who got loose sockets in they house.
Keep trying to put my charger in there. That motherfucker just…
And I gotta squeeze them prongs together so I can grip the middle.
And I widen them out so they can hold on to the…
I gotta find a lamp to hold that motherfucker up, just…
Eight hours, I hear…
[cell phone charging sound]
[low battery warning sound]
[charging sound]
[low battery warning sound]
Ain’t fucking with no more women who don’t have a parking space in front of they building. I’mma circle your block two times. If I don’t see a space, I’m outta there, motherfucker. I ain’t be fucking around with you and your shady-ass neighborhood, motherfucker. I just saw a grown man on a bike and dress shoes and shit. Know that n*gga up to no good. You ever date an aggressive woman? I-I would think it would be similar to having a boyfriend. I think I had a boyfriend. This motherfucker took me hooping one day. Didn’t even choose me to be on her team.
Out there cheering this b*tch on with these n*ggas. Every time we pray, her hands go first like this and mine like… Trying to turn my hands over. This strong b*tch like… B*tch, I can’t… I-I-I can’t reach the Lord feeling like a b*tch like this. [clicks tongue] “Fuck it. Just come on. Pray. Just pray over the food. Just…” I ain’t having sex with no more women over the age of 40 with baby hair on they face.
[surprised reactions, laughter]
I don’t even have no punchline. Just thought I’d tell you that. See how I lost half the audience on that?
“Ah! Uh…” This woman blew a kiss to me the other day… [blows kiss] And I caught it. Then I heard… [clears throat] I look behind me. This big Black dude just staring at me and shit. I was like, “Goddamn, I done caught this n*gga’s kiss.”
“There you go, dawg. My fault.” “I didn’t mean to do that. I jumped… got ahead of myself.” I’m done fucking around with women with fat asses. I had a good run. It’s just a lot of… a lot of stress. They everywhere, you know? They ain’t even special no more. Everybody got one and shit, you know? I shouldn’t be going through what I’m going through if everybody got one. That’s the way I think about it, you know. And it’s stressful when you be out with a woman with a fat ass. Everybody be looking at that ass, and you gotta act like you don’t see them looking at it. Plus the amount of toilet paper they use is ridiculous. It’s ridiculous. I had just put out a fresh roll, right?
Like, “still stuck to the other toilet paper” fresh. This motherfucker was at my house three hours. When she left, it was just the cardboard spinning in that motherfucker. “What is this b*tch doing with my toilet paper?” I caught her one day just wrapping that shit. Just… ACE-bandage style, n*gga, just… I kicked the door in, like, “B*tch, close your hand and save me some sheets.” Fellas, you ever be in the club and see three women walking together? Sometimes they hold hands. Sometimes they don’t. The pretty one always first. I wanna speak to all the third women in the house tonight. You know who you are. When a n*gga like me grab you in the club, you stop and see what the fuck I want. I’m sick of this disrespectful shit. Following that pretty b*tch around the club. She gonna get hers. I’m trying to make you the leader of your own pack of biscuits.
N*gga, I’m grabbing the third one. I’m like, “Third Chick, come on.” “Don’t… don’t do that to me, Third Chick. Come on, now. Come on.” “I gotta follow them.” “Man, don’t you let them hos block your blessings.” I know why pretty girls always have that one ugly girl with them too. Because while Number One and Number Two dance, they need somebody watch they coats and purses. Don’t lie to me. I see it all the time. Don’t lie to me. Number One and Number Two be on the dance floor. [laughs] “Hey!” [laughs] Third B*tch putting napkins over drinks and… covering their coats and purses. Phone out. “Go, besties!” I be at the table right next to her like, “You ain’t gotta live like this your whole life.”
“Come with me, Third B*tch.”
Black women hate to see a Black man with a white woman, boy. Hate that. Look at ’em, clapping and shit. If you see a Black man out in public with a white woman, especially if it’s a group of Black women, they group together and talk about ’em. “Look at this Black ass over there with that white b*tch.” “Can’t handle a strong Black sister, can he?” Why all our women gotta be strong and shit? “Strong Black sister.” I don’t want no strong Black sister. Forget that. You put that out there in the world. When you come home, if I live with you, don’t you bring strong shit in the house.
You save that for the world and shit. I don’t want no strong Black sister and shit in the house. “You want some spaghetti?” “From a strong Black sister?” “I’ll season it the way you want it seasoned.” “I swear to God, you’ll love it.” “You want some head?” “From a strong Black sister?” “I’ll suck it good. I’ll suck it for all my ancestors.” “Just suck it out.” “I swear I won’t let you down.” I don’t want no strong head, motherfucker. Black men don’t give a fuck when we see Black women with white men. We don’t care. Actually, I be congratulating them too. I be like this. “Hey, get your credit together, baby. That’s it. Black men don’t give no fuck. You’ll never see a group of Black men gathering together to talk about, “Look at her Black ass over there with that cracker!” “Can’t handle a real n*gga, can ya, b*tch?”
I caught two DUIs four days apart. I just didn’t take the first one seriously and shit. $15,000, classes, and lawyer fees later and shit, what they did was they put this thing in my car called a BAIID. A BAIID is a device you have to blow in in order to start your car, and it shows if you intoxicated or not. If you ain’t intoxicated, you start your car and you can go. You blow in it every ten minutes to prove it’s you. It’s a very embarrassing device. Anytime anybody got in my car, I would lie and be like, “Yeah, that’s a new alarm system I got.”
“You gotta blow in it every ten minutes?” I’m like, “Yeah. N*ggas are stealing Oldsmobiles bad.” One Sunday, two in the afternoon, I’m running around doing errands and shit. I ain’t drinking, nothing, you know. Stopped in an Arbee’s, eat a sandwich, got in the car, blew in the motherfucker, and it registered as if I was drinking. I was shook. They can lock me back up and impound my car. I called the county. “Dude, I was not drinking.” “I don’t know what the… why this shit register like this.” “You ain’t been drinking?” I said, “Nah.” “What did you eat?” “A sandwich.” They was like, “Did it have poppy seeds on it? And I was like, “Yeah,” and they was like, “Yeah, that’s the problem with these BAIID devices.” “They read poppy seeds as if you intoxicated.” “That’s what they make opium out of.” “Don’t worry. We’ll take it off your record.” “Start your car. You can be on your way.” And I was like, “Really?”
Three that morning, I call that n*gga again, like, “I ate another sandwich.”
“Goddamn poppy seeds on everything.” “Can you start my car?” When Black people cheat, like, when we dip off with somebody else, you know, we like to go to white establishments. ‘Cause we know ain’t no Black people there to see us. I was with this girl one day. She was like, “Why you got me at this medieval castle?” “You said you was open-minded, right?” “Put that crown on, eat that turkey leg, and shut the fuck up.” Fellas, you ever have a threesome? One of the girls is fine as hell, and the other one is not. But she’s so fine that you gotta bring the other one along. I did that before. I’ll never do it again. Me and the fine one, we locked in. We getting it in, zoned out. All of a sudden, I feel these cold hands coming up my back. “Save me some dick.”
“There ain’t gonna be no more dick after this.” “Dick… dick… dick… dick gonna run out after this, I think.” I like to have sex with women with kids. ‘Cause they leave. Get up, go to the bathroom. I come back. She be like, “Hey, I gotta get on out of here and get him ready for school tomorrow.” “You understand that, though, right?” “All right. All right, now.” “I had a wonderful time tonight.”
“I did. I’ll call you.” “All right.” Them empty-nester b*tches? [groans] Come back from the bathroom, this b*tch like, “What we eating for breakfast?” Now I gotta get dressed in a full suit and lie and say I got an interview to go to. “What you doing with that suit on?” “I got this interview I gotta go to.” “It’s four in the morning!” “These are the only hours they got.” “Wish me luck.” Don’t act like I’m the only motherfucker that got dressed to kick a motherfucker out. You ever get in your car, drive around the block?
[Deon laughs]
[Deon laughing] You wait to see which way they turn, and then you turn the other way? Fellas, it’s a sex toy out there for the ladies that’s fucking us up. It’s called a rose.
[woman cheers]
The…
[women cheering]
Testimonial hollers in here. This motherfucker is shutting motherfuckers down, dude. This rose shit is serious. I was in the bed one day with one of my vintage pieces, and…
You know, we masturbating, you know. I mean, young people, you gotta understand. Listen. When you get older, it ain’t about fucking and making somebody come. It’s like, n*ggas gotta get up in the morning. You know what I mean? You masturbate, she masturbate. We done, high five, and then we roll over and go to bed. When you older, you responsible for your own comes and shit. “It ain’t my job to make you come. That’s your come.” “That’s your come. That ain’t my come.”
[Deon laughs]
So we masturbating. She reaches under the pillow and goes, “My niece gave me this thing.” “It’s called a rose.” “Never seen it. I thought I’d bring it along.” “Maybe we can have a little fun with it. Is that okay?” I’m like this. “Yeah, yeah, that’s cool. Yeah.” “How you turn this thing on? I don’t know.” “She should have sent me instructions or something.” “Oh, there it is. There it is. I got it.” “All right. Okay.” “We gon’ see, right? Okay, let’s see what this thing do.”
“Ah!” I’m like, “You aight? You okay?” “Ahhh!” I saw this b*tch’s spirit leave her body, go to the ceiling, come back down in her body. She didn’t even cut it off. She just opened her hand, and it shook out her hand, down the bed and out the door. I’m like, “What the fuck was that?!”
Her dizzy ass looking at me like, “Aight, come and get some pussy.” I’m like, “B*tch, you are done. No.” Grandma Cole kissed her forehead and took her trash out. That’s what I was over there doing, to take her trash out! [laughs] Them old b*tches’ll get you to take their trash out. “What you doing over there? Can you come and lift these bags for me?”
I got in trouble recently for calling women vintage and shit. I was on the NAACP Awards, and I called women vintage. Everybody went crazy, and I was like, “Why?” Like, I been saying that for years. I just don’t think they looked up the word, you know? ‘Cause it’s not a bad word. It was like, “No, we seasoned.” I’m like, “No, you’re not.” If I go buy a Corvette, I’m not gonna be like, “Let me get that seasoned Corvette.” I’mma be like, “Let me get that vintage motherfucker.” See, the word “vintage” means rare, one of a kind, stands the test of time, you know?
More valuable than any new model. Get it? Yeah, it’s vintage. That’s what it is. It ain’t like I called y’all antique b*tches. We all getting old, goddamn it, and I ain’t running from it neither. I’m getting old, too, and shit. I don’t even like to call it “old.” I just say, “We expiring.” Say that to yourself every morning. I bet you get some shit done. Like, “Ooh, let me get this shit done before I expire and shit.” I knew I was getting old. One day, I was brushing my hair and had to switch arms. “Goddamn! What the fuck?” I’m too old to be putting together outfits and shit and going over here to get the shirt, the pants, the shoes. Fuck that. Whatever’s on the mannequin. That’s where I’m at with it. I go in there and be like, “Let me get this whole situation here.” “Beach ball too. Let me get the beach ball with it.”
Then I go in the club, herding them hos, like… You ever go somewhere and they got warm butter? Don’t you feel like they care about you? In a restaurant, you be like, “This warm? Let me get to spreading it, n*gga.” Unlike them other places. That little gold, hard hockey puck of butter. Gonna tear your bread up trying to spread this shit. Bread all over your butter. I ain’t got no time for that shit. Now I bite the butter and then the bread. I hate to be called OG. This young n*gga seen me one day. He wanted a picture. “OG, can I get a picture?” I was like, “Just call me Deon.” He was like, “OG Deon, can I get your picture? I take the picture with this n*gga. He standing there like this. I’m right next to him like this. This what this little n*gga told me. “No, OG, put that down. Don’t do that.”
“You don’t put up peace signs in your pictures?” He was like, “Nah, we don’t do that no more, OG.” “What the fuck I’mma do with my peace fingers, then, n*gga?”
You can tell how old a woman is by the size of the fonts on her phone. This girl’s like, “Can I get your number?” “Yeah.” She opened her phone. “D-E-O…” I’m like, “A letter a page, b*tch?” Like… We have any young women in the house? Clap, round of applause?
That’s cool. [Deon laughing] I’m looking at the women in here who are like, “When you say young…” “Mind, spirit? What we talking about, n*gga?” “What’s young, Deon?” If you gotta think about it, I ain’t talking to you. Young girls got too much energy for me. You ever go dancing with a young chick? Motherfucker be out there…
[grunts]
“Come here!” I be like, “Mm-mm.” “Nah.” That’s too much energy for me. I like an old vintage b*tch. I want a motherfucker that fell before. They move like this. They be like… “Go on, then, if you’re gonna rush. I ain’t about to hurry up and fall again.” Young women that’s in here, do a lot of older men hit on you?
[women] Yes.
Yes? Here’s a very smooth way to get an older man off you. Real smooth, aight? Next time an older dude be like, “Hey, sweet thing. How you doing, baby?” all you gotta say is, “I’m okay, mister.” Shut down that n*gga whole operation. “Mister? The fuck?” “Nah, baby, don’t do that to me. Nah, don’t do that to me.” “No, my name Gregory. Call me Gregory.” “Okay, Mr. Gregory.” “B*tch. B*tch, is you stupid?” “Is you stupid, b*tch? Why would you…?” All older men got fucked-up bladders. All of ’em. There’s some in here tonight. You can tell who they are ’cause they all got aisle seats.
Just look up and down the aisle. You’ll see these n*ggas. Look at the n*ggas in the middle looking at the n*ggas with aisle seats. “Damn, I wish I got one of them aisle seats. “Can’t even drink my liquor the way I want to.” All old dudes got fucked-up bladders. You can tell too. If you get in a man’s car and he got a whole bunch of empty 12oz Sprite bottles in there… …that n*gga bladder fucked up. Think I’m bullshitting? Try to throw away one bottle. He’ll lose his rabbit-ass mind. “Hey, b*tch, I ain’t asked you to grab my bottles.” “I bought them bottles. They’re mine. Thank you, but no, thank you.” “I’ll throw ’em away when I’m… when I’m ready.” I ain’t gonna lie. I got bottles, too, though. Wide-mouth bottles. Snapples, n*gga. Gatorade, n*gga. No, I’m bullshitting. I got those same Sprite bottles.
[Deon laughing]
Everybody be trying to look young nowadays and shit. They be getting work done and shit and… Even if ain’t work, everybody wanna look youthful and shit. Creams and all kinds of shit, you know. But one thing they never take into consideration, they be doing all the surgery, all the creams, doing whatever they need, especially n*ggas with money. They get everything. But I still can tell how old you are. It’s one thing they never take into consideration, that I still can tell how old you are by who you hang with. The people you hang with are gonna dictate your age. Absolutely. So you can go get all that surgery and do everything that you doing, but if you still hanging out with these dusty-ass motherfuckers, then… Yeah, yeah. And even if you ain’t doing surgery, if you doing whatever to look youthful, and, you know, I still can tell. I saw LL Cool J at this party, right? And I was like this. “Damn, L, you look good as shit, man. That’s good.” I looked, and I’m like, “Who are these wise men this n*gga hanging out with?” Bunch of old n*ggas with staffs and shit. “Get off my lawn!” LL gonna fuck me up for that one. Angela Bassett fine as a motherfucker.
Whoo! My man Courtney pulled a good one with that one, boy. But her girls… I seen her girls at this party. One had this sequin suit coat jacket on. The shoulder pads was all the way up here. Motherfucker couldn’t hear shit I was saying. “What?” “What? What?” “What?” Her other girl had this shit going on.
[laughter and surprised reactions]
I came back with a glass of wine. I was like, “Mmm… nah.” “You ain’t about to shake this shit all over my mannequin outfit.” [shaking] One of the girls was fine as a motherfucker, though. Oh, she was so fucking pretty, sitting there looking all beautiful and shit, just fucking fine, just… She had, like, this salt-and-pepper asymmetrical hairstyle and shit, you know? Little waist, poised as hell, you know. Fat ass. You could tell it was big ’cause when she sat in the chair, it spread out and shit. She was sitting there looking beautiful as fuck. Just chilling. Just sexy as fuck. But that get-up start-away walk… That shit’ll tell on you every time. She got up to go to the bar. She was like…
[groaning]
The start-away walk. Sometimes you can’t even walk away right away. You’ll get lightheaded. You just gotta stand there for a second, you know? I like to compliment older women when I see them. Like, 80. Like, in their eighties. I compliment them and tell them how beautiful they are. I think everybody should do that shit, you know, tell ’em that… ‘Cause they lasted this long. You’re like, “Man, you beautiful as shit.” You gotta do that shit.
I do. I give ’em love. Every woman I see is beautiful. I mean, that’s in her eighties and stuff. I tell her she beautiful, definitely. I’ll see one in the grocery store, like… [yells] “Hey!” “You the sexiest b*tch in here right now.” I do it to women in wheelchairs. I give ’em love, tell ’em they beautiful. I be like, “You stand up here and kiss me, you sexy b*tch!” I met one in a grocery store, old woman. This the oldest I ever fucked around with somebody. Sixty-eight. Bad! Shut down any 55-year-old. Bad bad. Met her in the grocery store. She had her hair pulled back in a ponytail. It was all white. You could tell she just did it in the car too. She pulled it back. It was all frizzy and shit. She had them glasses that connect over her nose. You ever see them? Had the whole store smelling like White Diamonds.
That Elizabeth Taylor shit go hard, yo. One spray last you a week. Big-ass titties. She had some big tit… She had titties so big, I couldn’t tell how big her stomach was, you know? You ever see them, them titties like that? I like them kind of titties. Big titties. ‘Cause when I’m lying on my back, she on top of me and let ’em go, they just drop in my face. Like oxygen masks on planes. Better than them little-titty b*tches where you gotta do a set of 30 crunches to reach the motherfuckers.
“Burn!” “Just bring ’em down. Can you bring ’em down here, please?” We started going out, hanging out. I gave her my number. We started talking, then we start doing what we do, and, yeah, it started going good and shit. Then she started calling me her lover. That some grown shit. I ain’t had nobody ever call me some shit like that. I was like, “That shit get my dick hard.” She be calling me up. “Hey, lover.” I be like, “Oh…” [laughs coyly] “Aight. What you want from Walgreens?” She know how to get some Walgreens out of a n*gga. That day, I gave her an extended shoehorn. Slide right into her kitten heels, easy. She always going up there getting her pantyhose and shit. So weird. Her pantyhose come in an egg.
That b*tch cracked that shit on my head one day. Like… [crack] I was like…
[woman screams]
I see someone likes L’eggs in here. She liked me to spoon her to sleep at night. That’s her shit. Like, late at night. Get over there about six. I know. She still be up. That’s wild. Like, “You better go to bed, girl.”
I blow on her hair until she go to sleep. When she wake up in the morning, I make her coffee. Folgers. That’s the official old-b*tch coffee, Folgers. ‘Cause there’s too many chemicals in Starbucks. Best part of waking up is a old b*tch with a cup.
[man roaring with laughter]
See you done made a few hos some Folgers too, huh, n*gga? I fucks with you, n*gga.
And we don’t worry about her getting pregnant. Mm-mm. Them days are long past us. I asked her one day, “Are you on the pill?” She was like, “If you don’t open that window and shut the fuck up…” Yeah, we don’t worry about that shit. I be shooting that old box up. You can hear my shit ricocheting in there. “Bing, bing, boom, bang, beam, bow, boom, pow.” I fuck with grown women, you hear me? Grown, goddamn it.
The women I fuck with, before we fuck, we pee first. Kissing. “Mmm… muah!” “I’ll be right back.” I don’t know what’s wrong with my come. That shit ain’t coming out like it used to. It ain’t. Sometimes it don’t come out at all. It be weird, man. I don’t know what the fuck going on. I think it’s these vitamins I’ve been taking or something. My little vintage piece was giving me head one day. I came. Just a gust of wind shot down her throat. Her little flimsy throat can’t handle some shit like that. That shit was like… [whoosh] She was like, “Ha-ha-hee!” [wheezing] “Was that wind that came out your dick just now?” I was like, “Yeah. I gotta go see a doctor.” “I think it’s these vitamins I’ve been taking.” “I don’t know what the fuck is going on.” And I don’t like professional head. If you give good head, I don’t… I don’t want that shit. That shit turn me off. Like, professional head? Mm-mm. I like novice head.
Yeah. If you know what you doing, act like you don’t know what you doing when giving me head. Look at me like this. “Is this okay? Hmm?” “Yes.” I don’t like good professional head, man. Motherfucker who suck your dick all good? Nah, ’cause anybody who give good head or somebody give me good head, the whole time, I can’t help but to think all the practice you done had… …to reach these levels of greatness. Mm-mm. This girl came in my bedroom one day butt-ass naked, just a scrunchie on, like… I was like, “Hold on. Let’s talk about this.” “Ahh! Bop, bop, bop!” I’m like, “No!” “Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop!” You ever have a b*tch brush her teeth with your dick, n*gga? That b*tch like… I’m like, “No!” I don’t want that shit. You give me some good novice head, in return, I give you one hell of a ponytail. While you down there giving me head, I just… Girl get up like, “Goddamn, n*gga! Shit!”
“How you get a bang right here, n*gga? That’s crazy.” When you giving head, ladies, make sure you know what kind of penis you working with, aight? Okay? And… and… and that dictates the kind of head you give, you know. Some of y’all got this guy. “Mmm.” And some of you got this guy. “Hmm.” “Mmm.” “Hmm.” Fellas, don’t sleep on no two fingers. I had a motherfucker hit me off good with them motherfuckers, boy. That b*tch was hitting a trumpet, n*gga. Like…
[singing upbeat melody]
I had a umbrella second-lining on that motherfucker. “Mmm.” “Hmm.” Some of y’all got this n*gga, though. Mmm, that old two-hand n*gga. [grunting] Yeah, I ain’t no two-hand n*gga. This girl did that to me one time. I was like, “Aw, that’s so sweet, but you can take that top hand off.” “No, for real. There ain’t nothing there to suck.” “Just take that off and we good. Just…” “B*tch, you giving me an Indian burn. Stop, please.” I got some jokes I’m gonna try for y’all.
Hopefully, you like ’em. If not, I’ll never see you again, so it don’t matter. [clears throat] You know who gotta change they name real soon? Babyface. Saw him perform recently, and I was looking at him the whole time going, “You got one more week of Babyface.” Not that I don’t call you the Face, n*gga.
If you’re giving somebody head, whether it be male or female, and they tap you on your forehead, or they pull you up and go, “Come on,” don’t try to fuck. Just grab your coat and leave. ‘Cause you was horrible. You get that pull-up, go ahead and leave. Just grab your keys and go.
I had one of my vintage honeys do that to me one time, but she ain’t let me go. She kept me there and consulted me and shit. She was like, “Mm-mm. Baby, mm-mm. No, come on. Come on.” “Come, come, come, come, come.” “No, don’t go nowhere. Just lay right here. It’s all good.” “That’s all right. No, just lay right here. It’s fine.” “It’s fine, baby.” “If you knew better, you’d do better, right?” “We ain’t got nothing but time and opportunity.” “It’s gonna work out. We’re gonna work it out, I promise you.” Fellas, if you 50, close to 50, or over 50, and you got a girlfriend, fiancée, or wife, and you still working out, you got some extra young hos on the side.
Guaranteed. ‘Cause what you still working out for, huh? It’s over. What, you got a big fight coming up, n*gga? What is you…
Fellas, you ever catch your girl humping in her sleep? I don’t play that shit.
You humping in your sleep, I’d be like, “B*tch, who’s you fucking?” Especially if she ain’t give you no pussy before she knocked out asleep, like… “Get that n*gga off of you in your dreams, b*tch!” When Christian people have sex, what kind of music do they listen to? They can’t listen to worldly music. See, it’s a void. That’s why I’mma start making gospel love songs. Start making something they can fuck to.
♪ Put down your Bible ♪
♪ And I’mma take off my usher gloves ♪
Do big girls wear waist beads?
Oh, okay. All right.
“Yes! And?! And?!”
Who here with they best friend? Clap.
I don’t know if you ever realized this, but you all can’t go to each other’s funerals.
[surprised reactions]
That took a wrong turn, didn’t it? Why y’all get so sensitive? What I’m saying to you is that you got to hang out with the person that you with. Hang out ’cause you can’t go to each other’s funeral. So you gotta love that person and be with them. That’s all that I was trying to say and shit, you know.
Plus, listen, I am a observational comic. That’s what they call me, a observational comic. I observe things, and I talk about it. I’m not one of these slip-on-banana-peel, pie-in-the-face-ass fucking comedians and shit, you know? If you noticed, I barely moved all night.
I’m a observational motherfucker and shit. So that’s all I was doing. Observing something that you probably haven’t thought about, you know? My man Ocean said that shit to me one day, drunk as shit. He was like, “Hey, n*gga, you know we can’t go to each other’s funerals.” I was like, “N*gga, that’s deep.” “Well, I’m going to yours.” Why the older you get, the more violent your come sounds become? When you old and you come, you be like… “Ahhh!” “Ahh!” “Ohh!” “Ahhh!” “Ah!” “Ahh!” [groaning] [crackly inhale] “Ooh, that was good, baby. Goddamn!” When gay people say su… eh. Nah, I ain’t doing that, motherfucker. N*ggas cancel me and fuck up my Old Spice contract.
Jamaican men some dirty-dick motherfuckers, boy. They fuck anything. They don’t care. Homeless women. They don’t give a fuck “What is a beautiful girl like you living in a box like this for?” “Leave that b*tch alone. She homeless, n*gga.” I was in the waiting room at the doctor’s office, sitting there waiting. Jamaican nurse comes out the back, and she goes, “The Uncle.” “The Uncle.” And I’m going, “Who would write their name down ‘The Uncle’?” “That’s some stupid shit.” But the b*tch was really saying, “Deon Cole.” “The Uncle.” “Deon Cole.” Fuck around and missed my appointment over that bullshit.
I hate the way these young people text nowadays. All that abbreviation and shit. I don’t be understanding that shit. Little young dude that work for me. [clears throat] He texted me this. This is what he texted me. He texted me the letter D, comma, the letter R, the letter U, the letter O, O, T. And I was like, “What the fuck?” I called him up. “What’s that?” He was like, “Oh, I was just saying, ‘D, are you out of town?'” N*gga, how the fuck I’m supposed to know these letters mean that? “Everybody know that.” “No, n*gga, everybody don’t.” Click. Fifteen minutes later, I text him this. This is what I text him. Y, I, A, B, I, M, B, B, E, D, O, H, F, L, I, T, M.
He called me. “Hey, what the fuck is that?”
“I was just saying, yes, I am, but I might be back early depending on how flights look in the morning.”
“Everybody know that, n*gga.”
Oh boy. Learn how to date, everybody. All right? Learn how to date. And ask some good questions. Y’all keep asking these surface questions. Ask good questions. One question a lot of men don’t ask women which you should ask… I ask this all the time. It’s a make-or-break question for me. Anytime you meet a woman, fellas, you gotta ask her, “What temperature are you?” Yeah. You gotta ask that. You don’t want to be spending time with her, y’all start liking each other, hanging out and stuff, then you start going over her house, and you find out her house 90 motherfucking degrees. “Is she anemic?” Now you fucking on bath tiles. You should ask, “What temperature is you?” I’ll go over some vintage woman house, and her shit 50 motherfucking degrees.
You can hang meat in this motherfucker.
Neck-fan batteries all over the goddamn place. Keep cutting… The air on, heat on, air on, heat on, air… You’ll catch pneumonia over this b*tch house. “Yeah, so what temperature is you?” See, I like a nice 71-to-73-degree motherfucker. Sometimes 74, depending on what we’re doing, you know. Yeah, that temperature’s a motherfucker. Even in the workplace, you know? Like, a lot of jobs, offices, they can’t get 100% out of Black women because it’s too cold in that motherfucker.
For real. Y’all gotta cut that goddamn air off, and then you can get 100% out of the Black women that work there. Every Black woman I know, at her job, got a shawl and a space heater at that motherfucker.
Try to get these n*ggas 100%. I’m quite sure Kamala got a space heater at the White House. And everybody wanna be a boyfriend and girlfriend, but don’t nobody wanna be a best friend. That’s what the fuck you should be focusing on.
Quit doing the shit you been doing. No relationship shit and trying to… Fuck that shit. Find you a motherfucker that’s cool as shit and then get off into that shit, because if the fucking don’t work out, you still got a friend. You can’t keep wasting your life away on these relationships. They’re motherfuckers you don’t even speak to no more.
There’s motherfuckers you don’t even speak to no more, and you done gave this n*gga your good years. This n*gga done took all your good years. I can see it in your eyes.
I see you thinking about that n*gga. The ol’ bastard. That bastard, he took ’em all, didn’t he? Yeah, n*gga got you all fat. Fat and fun. Y’all was eating and drinking the whole time. Then he left you, and you like, “Where you going? Oh no!” “You suggested that food. I didn’t wanna eat that shit.” “Bye, b*tch!” Hanging out… That’s what I’m waiting on. I’m waiting on a friend. I want a motherfucking friend and shit that can come to… Anything I can do with my n*ggas, I wanna do with her. Movies, concerts. Fucking listen to music, all that shit. I’mma do all that. And look. I’m the type of motherfucker, I wanna be who I am. One thing I’m not gonna stop, I’m never gonna stop looking at women. I think women are beautiful, and whoever with me, you got to know I’mma look at ’em. Now, I ain’t gonna be disrespectful and groping and trying to holler, but I just… I like the beauty of women and shit, and I’mma be looking at ’em. I want a motherfucker that’s gonna look at b*tches with me.
That’s the motherfucker I’m waiting on.
That’s what I want. If I see a bad motherfucker, I’ll be like, “That’s a bad b*tch.” I want her to be like, “Yeah, that b*tch bad as a motherfucker.” And I’m so confident in my sexuality to return the fucking favor. I am. If you see some sexy-ass n*gga, and you like, “That n*gga sexy as hell,” I’ll be like, “Yeah, he got b*tches.”
That’s how men compliment men when you think a n*gga fine. Like, “My n*gga Tone? That n*gga got hos, n*gga.”
[Deon chuckles] “Tone got hos.” Don’t act like… Fellas, don’t act like you don’t know a fine n*gga when you see one. Don’t bullshit. Don’t try to be hard like that. You know when a dude look nice or not. You’ll be around a motherfucker so fine, you vanish. I have. I did a movie with Idris Elba, and…
Hos was literally trying to walk through me. I had to thump ’em in the forehead. Like, “B*tch, you see me standing here. What the fuck?”
Ladies, do me a favor too. I want you to do me a favor, like, when it come to your man, all right? I’mma speak for all men in here tonight. I’mma be the spokesman for all the fellas in here. Ladies, the one thing that men want that’d make us happy and be with you forever is you must rub our dicks all the time.
You hear these testimonial claps? That’s all we want. Rub our dick any chance you get. If you with him tonight, put your purse on his lap and rub his dick. Go ahead. You should’ve been doing it the whole show. Shame on you, b*tch. You rub that man dick anytime you get it. And stop fucking with our nipples. Our nipples don’t have the same sensation as yours. Any n*gga that be like, “Ooh, yeah, go ahead,” that n*gga’s a weirdo. Kick him out your house.
“Ooh yeah! Oh! Don’t forget this one! Don’t forget… Don’t forget this one.” Get that weird old n*gga out your house. You rub our dicks. And if you ain’t gonna rub it, stay the fuck away from me. Fellas, you ever be on your couch at home, watching the game, chilling, and here she come, plopping on your lap? You be like… That b*tch feel that shit.
You rub that man dick. Any time you’re in public, you rub his dick. If y’all at the grocery store, grocery shopping and shit, rub his dick. That shit’d get you out of cooking. All you gotta do is get real close up on him. That’s how you do it in public. Get real close on him like this and be like, “So, uh, what we eating tonight?” N*gga be like, “Uh, we can get some gummy bears.”
“Some cereal. We don’t need no milk. Just cereal. I’m cool with cereal.” Tonight, that man driving you home, focused on the road, making sure you get home safely. And you sitting in the passenger seat on your phone with two good hands? You disrespectful b*tch, you. You reach over there and rub that man dick till y’all get home. You still got your phone in this other hand, motherfucker. You don’t need two hands to scroll. I ain’t never seen a n*gga scrolling like… You rub that man dick.
Anytime you in that passenger seat, morning, noon, and night, you rub that man’s dick. You hear me? It’s the little things. That n*gga’ll love you forever if you did that shit. You rub his dick good enough, ain’t no telling where that n*gga gonna drive to. “Let me see if there’s a Zales open around here.” “Get this b*tch some earrings or something, shit! Faithfully rubbing this motherfucker. “I like it. I like it.” And if you feeling real froggy tonight, ladies, do me a favor. Go ahead and put your head over there and hit ’em off and shit tonight. Yeah! Be brave. Put your head under that steering wheel. Go ahead. Make him adjust that steering wheel. That n*gga had that shit all the way up here tonight. Los Angeles, I love you.
I hope you had a good time tonight. Thank you so much. Love y’all from the bottom of my heart. Anybody that ever bought a ticket, anybody that ever supported me, that ever come out to the show, I love you forever. Los Angeles, thank you. I’m Deon Cole.
[“Post That” by Deon Cole and Terry Hunter playing]
[man] ♪ Sexy b*tch ♪
[woman] ♪ Mm-hmm ♪
[man] ♪ Fine mother… thick motherfucker ♪
[woman] ♪ All right ♪ [man] ♪ Unh ♪
[woman] ♪ Oh! ♪
[man] ♪ All alone in your zone Get those reps up ♪
♪ Get it right, keep it tight Don’t you give up ♪
♪ Standing there, taking in Those gains you build up ♪
♪ Grab your camera, take a flick And don’t you hesitate to… ♪
[group] ♪ Post that shit ♪
[man] ♪ Yeah ♪
[group] ♪ Post that shit ♪
[man] ♪ Big girl ♪
[group] ♪ Post that shit ♪
[man] ♪ All right ♪
[group] ♪ Post that shit ♪
[man] ♪ N*gga ♪
[group] ♪ Post that shit ♪
[man] ♪ Yeah ♪
[group] ♪ Post that shit ♪
[man] ♪ All right ♪
[group] ♪ Post that shit ♪
[man] ♪ B*tch ♪
[group] ♪ Post that shit ♪
[man] ♪ Hoo! ♪
♪ You in the kitchen ♪
♪ Cooking and making dishes ♪
♪ Making all of those wishing They could be licking ♪
