Deon Cole: Cole Hearted (2019)
Genre: Stand-up Comedy, TV Special
Director: Ryan Polito
Writer: Deon Cole
Star: Deon Cole
Plot: In this stand-up special, Deon Cole embraces comedy as the last raw form of expression, delivering his humorous take on life’s absurdities. He explores topics like the right time to thank Jesus and the wrong time to say “welp.”
* * *
[cheering and applause]
[man] Live from Charlotte, North Carolina… we are proud to present Chicago’s own Deon Cole!
[cheering and applause continue]
[loud cheering]
Charlotte, make some motherfuckin’ noise, y’all.
[cheering and whooping]
Thank you so much, man. I appreciate y’all. Look, I only got an hour, so we gotta hurry up and get into this shit, all right? So let’s get this shit goin’. White people. Is there anything you hate about black people? Go.
[woman yells] Whoa! Whoa! Nothin’? Nothin’ at all? Black people cool as hell, huh? Ain’t nothin’ wrong with black people at all? Y’all want to say nothin’? Huh? Okay, that’s cool. Watch this. Black people… N*ggas like, “Ooh! Ooh! Pick me! Pick me! Ooh! Some shit just happened, n*gga, I gotta tell you about it! I got to tell you about it!” [chuckles] It’s all good, man. Yo, man, I had to do my shit here out in Charlotte. I was around the city last night kickin’ it, went to this little R&B spot I love. Like, R&B, like, ’90s R&B music, that’s my shit.
[cheering]
‘Cause all the music back then, all the lyrics was about giving women shit that you really didn’t have to give them, you know? Like that one group, After 7, they had this one song. The lyrics went “I give you the sun, the rain, the moon, the stars and the mountains.”
[audience joins in]
Shit! Whoo! This motherfucker must know God personally to… just be givin’ that away, right? Ooh! That’s– That’s some shit to say to a motherfucker, ain’t it? “I’ll give you the moon, the stars, and the mountain. I’ll give you the world!”
[audience] Yes!
“And all that you wish for. And even more.” Wow. Ain’t nobody writin’ the songs like that no more. Uh-uh. These young dudes nowadays? Nah. They like, “I give you this dick.” Big dick, b– Don’t laugh, women. Y’all be right there. “Let me get on this dick right here.” [chuckles] Man, we’ve been all over, man, for the past two years, trying to get this material together for this Netflix special, man. We went down to Peoria, Illinois. When we was down there, we saw a deaf church. I ain’t never seen that before. The whole congregation was deaf. I was like, “Wow. That’s tripped out.” But I was like, “That’s cool as hell!” But then I instantly start thinkin’, “I hope the pastor ain’t black.” ‘Cause, you know, black preachers, they good for sayin’, “Y’all don’t hear me.”
That’s what they say. They say that and they repeat themselves. That’s why black sermons last so long, because the preacher keep repeatin’ himself. It’s like you’re sittin’ through two sermons. “If you do good, good will come to you. Y’all don’t hear me? I said, if you do good…” We’d be like, “We heard you already, motherfucker! Damn! You’re gonna make us miss the game.” Then I went to Chicago, my hometown. I went there to go work on some material, but it was too cold at the time, man. It was so cold at the time, my cousin Leslie, he gay, and he said it was too cold to be gay. I believed him, too. ‘Cause usually he switch when he walk. And he wasn’t switchin’ that night. I was like, “Why you ain’t switchin’?” He was like, “It’s too cold for all that bullshit right now. I’ll find me a man later.”
The problem about my cousin, he won’t come out the closet. We keep tellin’ him, “Just come out the closet, dude. You’re makin’ it complicated, bein’ in the closet. Just come on out the closet, man. We’re gonna treat you the same. We know you in there. We hear you ramblin’ around in that motherfucker. Get the fuck out that closet and put this goddamn shawl on so we can go eat.” He always saying gay stuff to me. He’ll be like, “Hey, you.” “Who the fuck you ‘Hey you-ing’?” “See all that mouth you got? That’s why you can’t prosper in life. ‘Cause of all that mouth you got.”
I’m like, “N*gga, what’d I tell you about talkin’ to me with your fingers?” He like, “Look. You go run your errands. I’mma go to the gym, and we gonna meet back here in about a hour.” I’m like, “Yeah, all right.” He like, “SLAP!” I’m like, “What the hell was that?” He like, “Sound Like A Plan.” You better not steal my cousin’s shit. I’d better not see one hashtag. I’ll beat your ass. I can see it in your faces. No stealin’ shit! [chuckles] “Bitch, when we leave here, we goin’ to the club.”
[audience] SLAP!
[applause]
[cheering]
[laughs] Then we went down to Atlanta to work on some material.
[cheering]
Yeah, okay. All right. Huh. Went down to Atlanta, had the worst threesome of my life. I ain’t even lying. Girl came to my show, she was just like this. “Yeah, me and my girl, we was lookin’ at you on Instagram. We was like, “You can get it.” I’m gonna go get my girl. Maybe we can have a little fun.” I’m like, “Wait, man How your girl look?” She was like, “She’s straight.” I’m like, “Okay.” N*gga. White people, any time a black man’s story start with…
[audience] “N*gga…”
“N*gga…” …it ain’t good. This chick was six-seven, man bun, had one of them hoopin’ backpacks with just the string as a harness. You– You seen ’em, them backpacks them hoopin’ n*ggas be wearin’, be all flat and flimsy. This how she walked in the room. I’m like, “Who y’all about to fuck? Me? Y’all ain’t about to run no train on me. Fuck that.”
Clearly, this motherfucker just scored a triple double somewhere. “And now you about to fuck me? Is you crazy? Come walkin’ in the room. Sizin’ me up. “Mmkay. Mmkay. All right, all right. This who we puttin’ that work on? Him right here? Okay. Okay. I like Thick Slim right here. Thick Slim look finer than a motherfucker, don’t he?” [laughs mockingly] “Thick Slim got my pussy harder than a motherfucker!”
Why is your pussy hard? You’re not a man, motherfucker. When she got undressed, she took her shorts off over her Air Force 1s. She didn’t even unbutton her blouse, she just pulled it straight over her head. It was still wrapped around her arms like this. You know, like your nephew do, just… Bra, everything, just pulled that shit straight over. See, I’m like, “I’m done fuckin’ with these Atlanta women.” [chuckles] I lost my phone about a month ago. Got it back. I didn’t think I was gonna get it back, neither, ’cause I got one of them wallet phones you keep your credit card and stuff in. They told me this white dude turned it in. I was like, “That’s what’s up.”
See, when white people find shit, they call Lost and Found. When black people find shit, they call… it “a blessing”. “Thank you, Jesus. I just… I just told you I cracked my screen and need a new phone.” Won’t He do it? Won’t He will! [chuckles] Won’t He will… That’s the blackest shit ever. “Won’t He will!” When I said, uh, “Won’t He do it?”, do you know who “He” is? You don’t? He like, “Your inner self?” When you hear the expression “Won’t He do it?” from black people, what we talkin’ about, we talkin’ about God, okay? So, next time you hear that, you’ll know we talkin’ about God, all right? So, next time you hear a black person go, “Won’t He do it?”, you go, “Yes, He will.”
All right? Won’t He do it? Yes, He will. Yes, He will! Won’t He will! Learned somethin’ new today, see? [laughs] ‘Cause they was gonna kill your ass. It was like, “What did he mean, he don’t know who ‘He’ is? Boy, all the good He did done for you, why– why don’t you– why don’t you know who ‘He’ is?” [chuckling] Black people, don’t we love our God, don’t we?
[audience] Yeah!
We love our God!
[applause]
We give God all the glory.
[man] Yeah!
[audience] Yeah!
But some of that glory, God don’t want. God be like, “I ain’t do that. That ain’t my glory.” But black people be forcing glory on God. You ever go somewhere looking for a parkin’ space? You can’t find it. After a while, you find a parking space right in front of the place you was going to. You be like, “Ooh, thank you, Jesus, for these parkin’ blessings!” “Parkin’ blessings”? Really? So, you think God, with everything He got goin’ on, was lookin’ down at you circle the block 16 motherfuckin’ times, and thought to Himself, “This woman look pretty dizzy right now. Let Me hit her with some parkin’ blessings.” That’s what you think, huh?
[cheering]
No, motherfucker. And if you fat as hell, that was the devil that got that for you. You should be walkin’ them calories off, goddamn it. A man could be in the club, just chillin’ against the wall, just chillin’. All of a sudden, two chicks walk up to him. “Hey, how you doin’? Me and my friend were lookin’ at you from across the room, and we thought you were pretty hot, so we decided to… see if you wanted to have a little three-way fun tonight.” A man will honestly be like, “Thank you, Jesus.”
Again. You think God is lookin’ down at you in this shitty-ass club, thinkin’ to himself, “This man been pretty solid lately. Let me hit him with some bitches. Slutty bitches!” You think my God sent you some slutty bitches? No, n*gga, that ain’t God glory! You run out of weed. You like, “Ugh, I gotta drive all the way over here.”
Get in your car. Put your seat belt on. Fix your rear view mirror. Open your ashtray, find half a blunt. You like, “Thank you, Jesus. You know what? I didn’t finish this motherfucker last night. Boy, what a God we serve, I’ll tell ya. I don’t know what I’d do without Him! I don’t know what I’d do. I’ll tell ya, boy. Always on time, ain’t He? Always on time, mm. Always on time… Uh… I ain’t got no matches? Devil is alive. God wouldn’t give me no smoke without no fire!”
I heard when white men date black women, they really dig black women. Like, dark-skinned black women, you know. ‘Cause that’s the fantasy. If you get one go-around with a black woman, why would you go get a fair-skinned black woman? No. You’ll go– You’ll go get you a dark woman. Like, white men ain’t fuckin’ with too many Alicia Keys women, you know. We talkin’ Lupita. Viola Davis. But that makes sense to me. If you gonna go black, go black. Don’t bullshit. Don’t hit the brakes. Go all the way black, goddamn it. Space black! Balsamic. Balsamic blacker than a motherfucker, eh? That makes sense to me. ‘Cause if I get me a white girl, I want me a real white girl. I don’t want no white girl that act black. That defeat the whole fuckin’ purpose of havin’ a white girl. Got this white girl talkin’ to me like this. Fuck that. Get me a real white girl. Give me a motherfucker that makes supper. I ain’t never had supper. I heard about it. I heard that shit be on the table at five o’clock every goddamn day. Hot and ready. And they be eatin’ it on a supper table, too. It’s a table named after this shit! I ain’t seen the likes of such. Me and a bunch of black men, we be eatin’ off beds and TV trays, and newspaper all our goddamn life. Food come out about 9:45. And then what black women do? Send us straight to bed. That’s why we got high blood pressure and shit. Black women been sendin’ us straight to bed after every goddamn meal for decades. “You eat that shit and go to bed!”
Our fat-ass kids, and sugar-foot daddies, everybody goin’ to bed, goddamn it. You start feedin’ us at five o’clock so we can burn them goddamn calories off. Remember they was trying to kick Hispanics out of the country, man? That was– I mean, the Hispanics was walkin’ around on eggshells on that shit. I just knew my gardener was gonna be gone. Yeah, me and Juan held goodbye every Wednesday. We like, “Mmm! You take care of yourself over there, all right?”
‘Cause my gardener don’t speak no English. He don’t. I text him, I be like, “Motherfucker, why you ain’t cut my bushes?” He sent me an emoji like… Now, he know I’m a comedian, so he always thinkin’ I’m bullshittin’. I’m like, “Motherfucker, I ain’t bullshittin’! Cut my goddamn bushes.” He sent me another text back that said, “J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A-J-A.” I’m like, “What the fuck is ‘ja, ja, ja, ja… ja, ja, ja, ja?’ Oh, right!” Slow motherfuckers out here. Be like, “What ‘ja, ja, ja, ja, ja…’?”
[chuckles] Yo, I got some jokes that I wanna do real quick. Man, I wrote some jokes down. See if, uh… see if they work or not. Hopefully, they work and if they do, cool, if they don’t, then I’ll never see y’all ever again, so… You ever offer somebody a mint and they don’t take it? “Mint?” “I’m good.” “So, what you gonna do? ‘Cause something needs to be done and… if you ain’t pull out no mints and you don’t want my mint, like… should I go, you go?”
[muted laughter]
Fellas, you ever see a ass so nice on a woman you end up meetin’ a cool-ass brother? A woman walk by you with a nice ass, you be like, “Ooh, look at that motherfucker there!” And then you look up and you see a guy catchin’ you lookin’ at the ass, and you be like… “That motherfucker’s a’ight, wasn’t it? She had that motherfucker swingin’, didn’t she? That’s her third time walkin’ by here, ain’t it? She work around here, don’t she? Yeah. I seen her last week. Yeah! Boy, she a bad motherfucker, ain’t she? Yeah, boy. I’m Deon. What’s your name, brother?” Do big girls get kidnapped? I never seen one for ransom. “Get in the car… Get your ass in the car!” [yells] Would you just get in the car?”
[applause and laughter]
Is Arby’s… actually another way of sayin’ “RB”, which is short for “roast beef”? I apologize for fuckin’ you all up on that right there. I thought we were here, comically, but I’ll bring it back down. My fault. It was my– I– I assumed we was here, and we wasn’t. I’m sorry. I’ll– I’ll take that off as well. I was in there eatin’ one day, like… “Wait a minute!” I got a bad habit I gotta stop. After sex, I really gotta stop sayin’, “Welp…” “Welp” is such a final word. Ain’t shit after “welp”. When you hear “welp”, it’s over. Ladies, you can use that next time you go to dinner with a man. Soon as you finish eatin’ and wipin’ your mouth… “Welp… you gonna drop a bitch off or what?” Fuck his whole night up. “Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…” Should a dude hold a door for a dyke? This is a legitimate question. I try it one day. I was like, “There you go, ma’am.” She was like, “Walk in, n*gga.” I was like, “Damn, bitch.”
I did that joke on purpose just to see what kind of audience this is. You know, sometimes these audiences, man, they be so lame. That’s how America is now when it come to comedy. Everybody so timid with everything. So timid and shit. It’s like you can’t handle dialogue. I don’t remember how America got so soft. Everything is fuckin’ horrible right now because of your lame-ass tolerism. Music suck. Movies suck. Comedy is the last raw form of expression, and if you take that away, everything’s fuckin’ gone to shit. Because of what you can’t handle. That shit is fucked up. And then you try to shun away people who think differently than you. I’m not one of them comedians who gonna sit up here and spoon feed you all the bullshit that you wanna hear and shit. I’m not. You gotta respect the way another motherfucker think. The more people that we have that think differently, the more opportunity we have for change.
[cheering]
You get what I’m sayin’? We gotta respect that, man. I said the word “dyke”, and y’all motherfuckers clammed up, like, [gasps] “Ohhh! Ohhhh!” You don’t even know if it’s a bad word or not, and you clammed up. You think I’m gonna risk it all over a motherfuckin’ word? No, motherfucker. I do research when I write these fuckin’ jokes, goddamn it. I asked Wanda Sykes. Yes. I worked with Wanda on Black-ish. I called her up. I said, “Wanda, can I say the word ‘dyke’?” She was like, “Yes, n*gga. And stop callin’ me this late. I got kids.” That’s the kind of world we live in. It’s so fucked up, man. And your timid and lame ways, that shit is tricklin’ down to your kids, man. Your kids is lame as fuck right now. Got your kid thinkin’ everything he does is great, and everything everybody else does is– is wrong, and he the most beautifulest and most talented. But then, when he get in the real world and we let him know he suck dick…
[applause]
…all of a sudden, he on medication. Be real with your kids. Let them know everybody drawin’ can’t go on the refrigerator.
[applause]
Some of that shit is drawer-bound, goddamn it. You ever go eat sushi with black people? Black people only order one order. Shrimp tempura! That’s the black sushi order right there. They should call it the “n*gga roll”. [laughs] “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have any more shrimp tempura.” “Mmkay. All right. Mmkay. Uh, uh… Question. Uh… Can you tempura anything else?” Crab legs, shrimp, catfish, perch, tilapia, white and ready, snapper, all n*gga fishes. Black people don’t know no other fish. “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have any catfish nuggets. Matter of fact, we never had catfish nuggets. We never even knew that catfish… came… in nuggets. But we have a wonderful Chilean sea bass you might like.” “Okay. All right. Okay. Uh, uh, uh… Question. Um… Do it got any bones in it? Don’t even worry about it. Bring that bread. That bread gonna bust them bones up when it go down.”
That’s one thing black people ain’t fuckin’ with, fish bones. N*ggas hate fish bones. Motherfucker dissect– Black people dissect the fuck out of some fish, trying to get them goddamn fish bones out of there. Fish look like puddin’ when you done. “Uhh… We at McDonald’s. That’s a fish filet, motherfucker.” “Mmm… I felt the bone in there, my n*gga. I got kids. I can’t be fuckin’ around and dyin’ over no fish bones.” You ever see a motherfucker choke on a fish bone? Be dramatic and shit, don’t it? “Yeah, I told her– ” [groaning] Bone the size of a eyelash… [yelling] “Call Pastor.”
You ever eat with a group of white people? Food be free. They be fightin’ over the bill, too. “Tom. Give me the bill, Tom.” [chuckles] “You paid the last three times, Tom. Tom, give me the bill.” [laughs] “This guy. Tom, give me the bill, Tom. Quit being a prick, man. Just give me the fuckin’ bill, bro. All right, now here’s Uber money for everyone.” I drove, but I took that Uber money. Just what real n*ggas do, you know. “Yeah, let me get that hot 20 up out you, Tom.” Ever go eat with a group of blacks? Stressful than a motherfucker. First of all, when you see the waiter walk up with just one check, you automatically like, “Yeah… dang.” “This motherfucker didn’t separate these motherfuckers? I told this motherfucker nine times to separate these motherfuckers.” You ever try to catch your waiter by himself away from your party? “Excuse me, you know where the restrooms are? Yeah, let me take care of mine right now, if you don’t mind. Hold it down, n*gga. Hold it down. Yeah. Yeah, just my shit. Mm-hm. What did I have? The, uh, catfish nuggets.” There’s always that one bitch with a calculator. “Okay, who had the 17 Moscatos? Felicia, drunk ass. Bitch, it was you, ’cause after the 15th one, I was like, ‘Watch this goofy bitch get two more of them motherfuckers!'” Love yourself, people. Love yourself.
[audience members] Yeah!
Love it.
[applause]
For what I’m about to say, man, I ain’t lookin’ for, like, validation or nothin’ like that. I just want you to listen to me and let that shit soak in, a’ight? For real, like, on some real shit. Like, love yourself, man, for real. Motherfuckers ain’t lovin’ themselves right now. I have never seen the suicide rate the way it is now. It is at an alarming rate. I’m not trying to be insensitive to any other race, I’ve just never seen it so much in the black community at all. I– It is alarming how much suicide has taken over in people’s minds, and in they– in they lives or whatever. Because people ain’t lovin’ themselves. And I’m gonna tell you something, man. I blame social media for that shit, too. For real. ‘Cause that shit will make you feel miserable. People be on social media, they be kickin’ it. Women be all out in Cabo, chillin’ on boats and yachts and wearin’ shit, nails, and bodies glistenin’, everybody abs is tight, and men poppin’ champagne, and got watches and jewels all in the camera and shit. And you at work at your cubicle lookin’ at this shit.
[applause]
“There’s gotta be a better way.” Don’t worry about what they doin’. You gotta realize, man, it took them probably 20 takes to get that one that you stressin’ over. You get what I’m sayin’? You gotta love yourself.
[applause]
Love yourself. People ain’t lovin’ themselves. Y’all look in the mirror every mornin’ and don’t even acknowledge the most unique thing in this world, there is not another motherfucker that look and act like you.
[audience] Yeah!
And what you do is… Hold on. You don’t even acknowledge how unique you are. What you do is, you get dressed and go in the world and be like everybody else. And that ain’t success. Success is supply and demand. Givin’ people somethin’ they ain’t never had before. And applyin’ yourself to whatever you do. That’s what makes you unfireable, goddamn it. They can’t do what you do. You get what I’m sayin’? But you got to love yourself. Women ain’t lovin’ themselves– Women don’t really love themselves like they should.
[cheering]
Especially women. Y’all be walkin’ around here with– with phony hair, eyelashes, phony eyebrows, and waist trainers and all this. Then you go to men lookin’ for validation. But I’ll let you know this, if God couldn’t make you happy…
[audience members] Yeah!
[cheering]
…what make you think us men gonna do it? We can’t make you happy. Just be who you are. I just want you for you. Quit tryin’ to be like everybody else. “Ooh, I wanna look like Nicki Minaj.” Well, Nicki don’t look like Nicki Minaj. Now you’re tryin’ to look like somethin’ that doesn’t exist. You get it? Be you. I ain’t with all that done up. I ain’t in love with the done up. When I see the done up, I might give you one compliment, but I ain’t with that. I like the everyday. If your hair up in a ponytail, you got sweats on, I’m bangin’ your back out every goddamn day.
[applause]
‘Cause that’s what I’mma see every day. That’s what I’m used to. Just be true to yourself. Be happy. Make yourself happy, man. If they don’t like what you got, they ain’t for you.
[audience] Yeah!
You know what I mean?
[applause]
But you gotta be honest with yourself, man. You do. Some of y’all in relationships you don’t want to be in. Man, why would you stay in this relationship, and waste your life away with a motherfuckin’ relationship that ain’t makin’ you more money, ain’t makin’ you come more, ain’t makin’ you smarter, none of that? Why would you do that? See, some of y’all got stuck in relationships. That’s what happened. See, you married on a level you should have been passin’ in life. Do you get it?
[applause]
There’s levels in life. You go through these levels, and this level take you to this level. On one of them levels, you met this motherfucker. He was amazin’, so you married to him, you got committed to him. Now you stuck on this level. He was there before you got there. He wasn’t gonna elevate, so now you there with him too. See, what you should have done was realize that he was only good for that level.
[audience] Yeah!
Not life.
[applause]
What you should have done was told him, “Boy, you are amazin’, but I’ll be back.” And then go through the rest of these levels.
[applause] But it starts with you bein’ honest with yourself.
[woman] Right. You gotta be honest with yourself. You gotta tighten up everything around you, man. Just stop bein’ around everybody. Don’t you understand, everybody don’t deserve to be around you? They don’t.
[applause]
Usin’ you for your moxie and your aura, your charisma, your security, your education. They don’t need that. Stop hangin’ around a bunch of liars, too. Cut these motherfuckers off. Cut ’em off.
[audience]
Yeah! I had this dude around me, always lyin’. I told him a story that happened to me. A year later, this motherfucker told me the same story. Just applied himself in the story. Didn’t even change my mama name in the story. I’m like, “N*gga, Charlene? That’s my mama, n*gga. What you talkin’ about?” But it start with you being honest! You hear me? Honesty is a motherfucker. You gotta start bein’ honest. I’m gonna let you know, I’ve had some miraculous moments in my life just from bein’ honest. Why? ‘Cause you never know what another motherfucker’s into until you bein’ honest with him, right?
[audience]
Yeah. It brings out the extraordinariness in you, definitely. One day, I got a speedin’ ticket from this cop. Finer than a motherfucker. She gave me the ticket. I’m like, “Damn.” She’s like, “What’s wrong?” I was like, “I wish I could get out this ticket.” She was like, “What you talkin’ about?” And I was like, “Well… Uh…”
[applause]
Now, I was about to crack a joke, and be on some goofy shit about my mom. It was like, “You already got the ticket, you ain’t got nothin’ else to lose. Might as well be honest.” I was like… “Well, I was thinkin’ maybe I can, uh… take you to dinner, and then go eat your pussy all night, I don’t know.” [chuckles] “I don’t know.” [chuckles] “I don’t know. Just– Just a suggestion. I don’t know.”
[laughs]
Guess what she said? “Follow me.” And I was like, “Thank you, Jesus.”
[cheering]
Well, that was all God’s glory on that one! Not only did I get some ass, but I saved money. All from bein’ honest. Gotta start bein’ honest with yourself. That’s why I don’t understand people, when they married or in a committed relationship, you livin’ under the same roof and you ain’t honest with each other, that’s crazy to me! You watchin’ porn when she gone, sneak and watch porn, and she watchin’ porn when you gone, and buyin’ shoes and hidin’ them in the garage and all that bullshit. I couldn’t live like that! I’ll bust up in the room, “Bitch, what you in here watchin’?” Hm? What kind of porn you watchin’? What’s in the search bar, bitch? Let me see. Don’t tell me shit. I want to see what’s in the search bar. You gonna lie to me. I wanna see what that search bar say.”
And if I’m watchin’ porn, I’mma tell her. “Baby, get in here! I wanna show you some shit! I wanna do this pancake shit right here. I ain’t never did this.” Watch when the men leave here tonight. “Pancake… Oooh!”
You gotta be honest. Honesty! Honesty is somethin’ a lot of people don’t– don’t practice, is honest. Some of you men in here jugglin’ two women. If you was honest, you would never know how that situation might work out. It might work out in your favor. Not every woman ain’t gonna be accessible to this type of information, a lot of women are closed-minded when it come to this kind of stuff, they ain’t with that. But some women are. They’ll hear you out and listen to you if you was being honest, ’cause in the end, even if she turned you down or whatever, at least she can never say that you wasn’t honest. You might be able to go to your girl on some real shit and be like, “Look, baby, remember when we broke up? I started fuckin’ around with this other girl, and, uh, she good people, man. All I do is talk about you to her and, uh, she a good person, for real. And I think if you met her, I think y’all would hit it off, ’cause she seem like the type of motherfucker you’d hang out with. And if y’all get cool and all three of us hang out and shit, maybe a little three-way situation might happen, you know? And if you like that little situation, then, shit, maybe she can move in, you know? She could chip in on the bills around here, uh… It’d be a win-win on all of us.”
You never know! With an open mind, your girl might look at that situation and be like, “You know what? I do get tired of fucking him sometime. It would be cool to have a substitute come in. You know what? A’ight. I’m with that. We can do that. And while we at it, I got this n*gga that wanna chip in…”
[cheering]
“…a few dollars as well. Since everybody chippin’ the fuck in around here.” Watch your man be like, “Bitch, forget everything I just said. And who’s this n*gga chippin’ the fuck in around…” Be honest. Honesty. Even with your age, be honest. If you old, you old. Just accept it. I’m old, too. We old. Just be old, goddamn it. I’m old, too. I got gray all in my beard and in my hair, whatever. I’m old, too, but I promise you this. I’m gonna be one of the flyest oldest motherfuckers you ever seen in your life. That’s right. Make a young chick ponder. Be like, “Damn, he the same age as my dad, but… I feel so compelled to give him some pussy. I don’t know why.”
You old, be old! Old men be tryin’ to get them a young girl in order to feel young. Be on YouTube tryin’ to learn new dances to keep up with these young chicks. Be on there like, “Okay, uh, uh, uh… Uhhhhh…” Better stay in your old lane. This you right here. This you from now on. You can dip, but get your ass right back up. If you wanna feel young, don’t go get you a young girl. Go get you an older woman. Older woman will make you feel young, goddamn it. That’s what I do. I keep me a nice vintage piece around. That’s right. I can’t fuck with you unless you got a ointment drawer. Ointment bag, cabinet, drawer. Somethin’ dedicated to ointments, goddamn it. You know you old when you in the club and you can’t read the receipt. Start grabbing candles and shit. “Let me see that cell phone light real quick.”
Take a picture and spread it out. “Baby, read that. I still can’t see that. If you could read that for me.” You know you old when your car insurance go down. I added a whole ‘nother car. They was like, “It’s the same.” I was like, “Fuck! I’m no longer a liability in these streets!” We gettin’ old. We’d better live it up. This shit ain’t stoppin’ for nobody. You hear me? We gettin’ old. Every second, we gettin’ old. Check this out. We just got old. You saw that? You’d better live it the fuck up. You better live your life to the fullest, you hear me? Don’t you stop for nobody. Live it up! Live it up, man, this motherfucker go fast. And the older you get, the faster it go, goddamn it.
[audience] Yeah.
So you’d better live it up. Who in they 40s? Make some noise.
[cheering]
You got 30 summers left. That hurt, I know. Right here, didn’t it? It hurt me every time I say it. You got 30 of these motherfuckers left! And after this August? 29! You got 29 of these motherfuckers to live it up, run how you wanna run, eat what you wanna eat, fuck who you wanna fuck. You’d better do it to the fullest, goddamn it. I learned that from Jenifer Lewis. I was on set one day, she said some ignorant shit to me one day. I was like, “Shut your old ass up.” She was like, “You will not disrespect me nor my 15 summers.” And then she floated away and shit.
[applause]
I was like, “I’m sorry, Jenifer!” Better live it up. Who in they 50s? Make some noise.
[cheering]
You got 20 summers left. You’d better live it up. Especially women. Y’all… Y’all won’t be living y’all lives to the fullest, man. Y’all always constricting yourselves. Y’all be like, “Uh-uh! I don’t do– No, I don’t. Won’t. Uh-uh. Ain’t. Ahh. Nope. Never. Uh-uh. Ain’t. Ever. Nope. Won’t. Won’t. Not with you, ever. Not this bitch. Nope. Ain’t. Nope. Never. Nope. Won’t.” Yeah, okay. You gonna let your “I ain’t” years run into your “you cain’t” years. Then you gonna be tryin’ to throw that pussy at somebody. And we gonna be like, “Mm-mm! I don’t want that motherfucker. Man, I asked you for that seven summers ago.”
I wanna correct myself. I do like young girls, but they gotta be mature. They gotta be really, really, really mature, all right? I went to go eat with this young girl one day. She was like this. “Close your eyes and open your mouth. I want you to taste this.” I was like, “Absolutely not, bitch.” She was like, “No, it’s delicious. I just want you to taste it.” I’m like, “No, young bitch, no. You just can’t be puttin’ loose shit in my mouth without me seein’ what it is.” She was like, “I just want to surprise you.” I’m like, “Young bitch, listen, no. You got to understand that I chew certain shit with certain teeth. Hot shit go on this side. Cold shit go on this side. Ice go in the back over here. Bread and gummy bears go up top. Now, give it to me so I can place it in the proper area it needs to be in. Can’t just be putting loose shit in my mouth. How about if you put the hot shit on the cold side and I get to freakin’ the fuck out?”
Old shit. I knew I was old when I started takin’ goin’ out naps.
[cheering]
You want me to hang out with you tonight? I’mma need a hot five before we go anywhere. I’ll do it in the car. I don’t even give a fuck. If I don’t, I’mma be in the club lookin’ like I’m on heroin.
[man] Whoo!
You know what the fuck I’m talkin’ about.
[audience] Yeah!
Half of y’all motherfuckers took a nap before you came in this motherfucker tonight.
[cheering]
“Let me take a nap before I go see this silly-ass n*gga tonight.” You know what kind of women I like? Women who have curlin’ iron burns. Right here on the forehead. Ear right there. Or that wall meat back here on her head. I like that shit. ‘Cause that tells me that she tried to do her own hair. Which also tells me she tried to save money. And I’ll fuck with any woman tryin’ to save money.
[applause]
Also love big titties. That’s my shit. Big titty– Whoo, I love me some big titties. The bigger the better!
[cheering]
That’s right. There’s some big ones in here tonight. I see. Bang, bang! Bop, bop, boom. Bop. Mmm… Bop. Bop. bop. Bop, bop, bop. Love me some big titties. The bigger the better. I like titties so big to the point where, if I’m sucking your titties and if I don’t taste no deodorant… I’mma be a little disappointed. I like deodorant on my titties. I like when she lay on her back, and them motherfuckers roll under her arms, and I lift them up and… mwah! I know the taste of all deodorants. Ban, Secret, Lady Mitchum, Degree. And to all my vintage bitches, they wear Tussy. [chuckles] Look at the young girls. “What’s Tussy?”
Well, let me explain. See, deodorant used to come with a cap on it. You had to take the cap off, take your two fingers and do this. Yeah, huh? Paved the way for you roll-on hoes. That’s right. So, you young chicks, when you see a woman 50 and up, you bow the fuck down. Be like, “Hello, your Tussy-ness.” Fellas, you ever get head from a older woman but you still be respectful? “Ooh! Feels so good, Miss Davis.” “You gonna tell me before you come, right, boy?” “Yes, ma’am.”
Fellas, you ever get that head, it be all teeth just scraping your shit up, just… Welps all on your shit, just… [scratching] Next time when that happen, pinch her nose. Get them teeth right off your dick. Ain’t nowhere for her to breathe. Next time she doin’ that shit, just be like… She gonna be like… “Guhh…” Look at the fellas, like, “Ooh, I can’t wait to try that shit!”
You ever get head from your girl and she be chokin’ on your penis, but deep down in your soul, you know your dick ain’t choke-y like that? Just be honest. You know your dick ain’t chokin’. You know she doin’ it for you. Dick ain’t even touchin’ her tongue. But there she go, all for you. [choking loudly] “Damn, boy!” You be like, “Awwww! That’s so sweet of you.” Know what the best head in the world is? Big girl head. Oooh! Oooh! Big girl head the shit! Love me some big girl head, boy. Ain’t nothin’ like it. Big girls, they be gettin’ it in, too, boy. Big girls be fuckin’.
[cheering]
They do. They do. Fine motherfuckers, too. Celebrities. For real. Like, remember when Usher had that little sex scandal and shit? And everybody was like, “Well, who is this chick?” Then they showed that big girl. She had that ponytail sittin’ right here. Everybody was like, “Get the fuck outta here!”
I was the only motherfucker like, “No, that’s her.” Felt that in my spirit. I knew it was her. Skinny women, y’all can learn a lot from big girls. For real. Like, tomorrow, like, talk to your local big girl, like, you know… catch her in the parking garage or somethin’. Be like, “Hey, Fuquanda, let me ask you a few questions real quick. Just wanna go over a few things with you, yeah”
Big girls are the coolest. You think I’m playin’. I ain’t dissin’ big girls. Big girls are fine, yo. They– They be live. Hang out with you all night. Be up with you all motherfuckin’ night. Just kickin’ it with you and shit, like, all motherfuckin’ night. They be up all night too, because, you know, big girls, they don’t sleep well, you know. They don’t. They got this shit called sleep–
[audience] Apnea!
You knew what the fuck I was talkin’ about. Skinny women always sleep. And cold. Them motherfuckers forever freezin’, ain’t they? They be in the club wearin’ a napkin, get home and get under 76 comforters. Heat in her car be meltin’ your shoes. You be like, “Cut the heat off, motherfucker!”
Sinuses always fucked up. [gulping] “Where is that noise comin’ from, motherfucker?” For real, they always sleep. Call a skinny chick up. Brrrr! Chhh. [high-pitched] “Hello?” “Yeah, what you doin’?” “Sleep.” “It’s six p.m.” “I know. I gotta be at work in the morning.” “What time you gotta be at work?” “11 a.m.” “Ho, how many hours do your iron-deficient ass need?” Call the big girl up. Brrrr! Chhh. [deep voice] “Hello?” “Yeah, what you doin’?” “Just sittin’ here.” “What time is it?” “Four a.m.” “What time you gotta be at work?” “5:30 a.m.” “So…” Man don’t give a fuck. “So… can a n*gga come through?” “Boy, you always pull this bullshit. Call me when you get downstairs.” “I’m already downstairs.”
You don’t call no big girl, just pull up! Grab your food from the back of the car that you bought at the club. It’s all cold and soggy and shit. Take it upstairs. Big girl warm shit up for you. Yeah. See, skinny chick, she might put your shit in the microwave or under one of her comforters. Big girl? Oven. Oven shit. You gotta wait 20 minutes, but it’s worth it. 375! Big girl magic number there, n*gga. “The fuck. What you eatin’? You put that motherfucker on 375. What’s them, cornflakes? 375. Bowl, spoon, milk, all that. Put it all in there, 375.” You get your fries back, they be all crispy and shit. You be like… “Okay. Goddamn. All right. Damn, how you get my fries so crispy and shit? I ain’t even buy ’em crispy. How you get ’em crispy? And when did you truffle these motherfuckers? I ain’t see that.”
Then it’s time for that head. Now, you listen to me. You never put your big girl on her knees, you hear me? It’s disrespectful. Plus, it’s a lot of stress on her joints and shit. You never put her on her knees. You get her a ottoman. All big girls deserve ottomans. And if she been rockin’ with you for a while, upgrade that ottoman. Throw some wheels on that motherfucker so she can circulate around the house without gettin’ up. Then it’s time for that head. She get on her ottoman, get her legs together. Now, look, you don’t walk to her, you hear me? You wait for her to reach out and grab you. She gonna reach out, grab you, and pull you to her, all right? There’s gonna be a little stutter step. It’s like… And all that givin’ head with your hand, that’s skinny bitch shit.
“Uh, uh, eh, eh… Uh, yeah… Ah, ah, eh, uh, uh, ah…”
Fuck that. A big girl open your legs up a little bit like that. Take they arm, put it through your legs, palmin’ your ass, all that. You see that? Grab all that right there. Grabbin’ all that, like that. Go under there like that. Grab that motherfucker like that. And… “Bam, bam, bam! Ba-ba-ba! Ba-ba-ba-ba! Shit! And you can’t go nowhere. That motherfucker got you on lock, Jack. You– You be reachin’ for shit. You might as well just grab your fries. Now, skinny women, don’t try that arm-through-the-leg shit. You’ll dislocate your shoulders. You gotta have girth. This shit under here gotta be swingin’. How many men in here have big girl here? Make some noise, clap.
[scattered applause]
[laughter and cheering]
Wow. Me and that n*gga right there. That’s it. Y’all just gonna front on me like that? Wow! You know I can see who you with, right? I’mma ask one more time. Then I’m just gonna start pointin’ motherfuckers the fuck out. ‘Cause you brought this on yourself, goddamn it.
[woman] Right here, right here! Right here! Right here!
How many men in here has had big girl here? Make some noise. Round of applause.
[scattered applause and cheering]
A few more claps. All right.
[laughing]
That n*gga like, “I’m sorry!” [mouthing] It’s stressful as fuck in here right now. Big girls like… [inhales deeply] “Ain’t no big girl over here, motherfucker!” Welp… Yo, I’m Deon Cole. Thank y’all, Charlotte.
[cheering]
