Daniel Tosh: Happy Thoughts (2011) – Transcript

Daniel Tosh performs in front of a live San Francisco audience in this stand-up special for Comedy Central, and touches on topics ranging from sports and pop culture, to religion and politics

[Rock music] ¶ ¶ [cheers and applause]

Thank you… San Francisco. All right, you’re ruining the show.

[cheers and applause continue]

Thank you… For clapping for what my parents are ashamed of. Oh, San Francisco. Yes.

[cheers and applause]

Oh… My third favorite city to do comedy in. Huh? That’s not bad, right? Top ten. Congratulations. Aw, more butt-fucking per square foot than in any place in the world. That’s you guys. That’s you. [cheers and applause] put that on your postcards. “San Francisco: “more butt-fucking per square foot. Miss you.” All right. If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That’s not my intention. I’m not gonna guess what your personal line of decency is. I cross my own from time to time. It’s how I know I still have one. All right. I have no problem with illegal immigration in this country except for the fact that they don’t serve on jury duty. That’s horseshit. It should be the other way around. They should serve exclusively on jury duty. Yeah. [cheers and applause] then it finally would be a jury of one’s own peers.

[crowd groaning]

[laughter and applause]

It’s not a stereotype if it’s always true. Yeah, then it becomes law. That joke is called “Latinos are criminals.” that’s just the title. It doesn’t mean anything. Sometimes before I walk on stage, my girlfriend might say, “have a good show. Break a leg.” this is what she said to me a few weeks ago right before I walked on stage. She goes, “hey, you ever worry about getting shot when you’re out there?” I’m like, “what the hell is wrong with you?” She followed it with, “you should move around more.” Uh, you should go back to reading your vampire books. [laughter and cheers] I should move around more? As if a sniper would get frustrated. Like… “I can’t keep up. He lives.” A lot of times, people complain that their significant other takes too long to get ready to go out at night. I’ve never had that complaint. And I think it’s because I never want to go anywhere. So I could care less how long it takes her to get ready. That’s just less time I have to spend with her horrible friends pretending that I don’t want to kill myself. Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

She’ll take an hour and a half to get ready, come down and be like, “oh, my goodness. You are so patient.” And I’ll be like, “for what? You look disgusting.” right? Yeah. Now she’s crying. Whatever. I bought myself an extra two hours to watch the game. Yeah. Yeah. It’s not like she’s gonna break up with me. She’s ten years younger. She’s one opinion away from being replaced. I can say that. I have a television show. Yeah. The power in our household has shifted dramatically.

Now, if you’re following me on Twitter, you know I had diarrhea today. Am I using that website properly? Sometimes I like to sit on the toilet in reverse. “we’re listening.” it’s nice, right? You can turn around. You can lean on the tank. I’m gonna be here for a while. Yeah, the people that are clapping right now, they’re the ones like, “okay, all kidding aside, “he is a genius. “No, no, no, no. It’s the simplicity. “I’ve been sitting on that thing my whole life. “You’re telling me I could turn around, “have a bowl of cereal, yeah? “Set the alarm ten minutes later. Multitask.” All right, nobody should eat while on the toilet. “but I’m lactose intolerant, and I’ve always wanted to enjoy a bowl of puffins with whole milk.” That’s more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream. Somebody emailed me, and they’re like, “hey, dipshit–” which, for the record, is a wonderful subject line if you ever want me to read your emails. Oh, let’s see what this nice fan has to say. You had me at “hello.” They’re like, “you know you have to take your pants completely off to sit on the toilet backwards?” [laughter] touche. All right, so I don’t research. It’s a pre-shower [bleep], agreed? Can we move on, sticklers to every joke detail? You ever have a post-shower [bleep]? Oh, might as well go back to bed and start your whole day over. Things are wrong. That’s not the order of events. There’s a glitch in the matrix. This world’s not real. Mom! Wipe me! [laughter and cheers]

I recently started flat-ironing my ball hair. Come on, ladies. You know how it is. If you have curly hair, you just want straight hair. So now when people see my balls, it’s like, “oh, my goodness. “that looks really, really good. Isn’t that damaging to the hair?” And I’m like, “yeah, but what are you gonna do?” I wish Victoria Beckham would knock it off with all the cute dos. I can’t keep up. My balls still have the ’06 posh. Remember that little trendy little cut? Posh spice? Looks like my testicles. Okay? Am I the only person that hopes David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don’t know who’s in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them’s out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? Oh. If there’s a man in here that’s junk doesn’t wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together– this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level, it’s art, you monkey, okay? You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods. Can you imagine if they had a child? ¶ Ahh ¶ was that Simba? What the fuck? Was that Simba? That’s the Beckham-Pitt kid? That’s “pittkham”? The most beautiful child the world has ever seen. Picture baby Jesus with better abs. That’s a good-looking baby. If they had a baby Abercrombie store, they’d hire him to work the front door, right? Just standin’ there shirtless, propped up. He can’t stand yet. Just leaning against the wall. Big poster, big poster of himself just standing in little tight pampers. And you’d walk in, and you’d be like, “I don’t want to say this, but I want to fuck that baby.” oh, man! Do I want to fuck that baby! If I had three wishes, two of ’em would be to fuck that baby and one would be for more wishes. “well, you can’t do that.” then I want to fuck the baby a third time. I would like to use all three wishes banging that baby. Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn’t have a plausible premise. Oh, I’d love to read your email. “I felt you went over the line a bit “when you theoretically wanted to fornicate with a mythical child.” [laughter and applause]

[cheers and applause] – Heads up, Mormons, this joke’s gonna sting. [laughter] next time a golden plate falls from the heavens, go ahead and put it in your spam file. Let’s not base your entire life on a religion that’s old enough for my dad to be like, “oh, yeah. That’s not true. “Uh, that didn’t happen. “I don’t know why they’re wearing their pajamas “under their clothes. I assume their god wants them to be comfy.” the Mormon church spent $20 million last year in the state of California making sure queers didn’t legally get married– successfully, I might add. So I guess we’re not as liberal as we all thought. And this is what I say to the most conservative person that’s so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it’s legal, it’s not like god’s gonna let ’em into heaven. Okay? So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates just going, “yeah. [cheers and applause] you’re not getting in here, faggots!” [grunts] [laughter and applause]

Do you remember the commercials they ran? It was a little girl that came running home from school, uh, and, uh, she’d be like, “mommy, “mommy, mommy, the teacher said when I get older I can marry a princess if I want to.” and they’re like, “what are you gonna do when your kid says that?” [laughter] and every parent in California is like, “whoa, we’re gonna have to talk to our kids? Sorry, queers. Nope.” Yeah. That’s Esperanza’s job.

[cheers and applause]

So I wanna hire the same little girl to do commercials for me in the state of Utah, and I want her to come running home and be like, “mommy, mommy, mommy, how come you’re nine years older than me?” Yeah. Because we learned math, and this doesn’t add up. “Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy–” she’s calling out to all of her mothers. And they start coming out of the cabinets in their little house on the prairie outfits trying to explain how open-minded they really are. Compared to who, the Amish? Am I the only person that blames global warming entirely on the Amish? [laughter] Are they not a constant reminder of how awful life would be without all this great technology? Every time I wanna cut back and conserve on natural resources, I just look at the Amish and I’m like, “ho, ho, fuck that. Fill it up. Fill it up.” no, no. I’m not gonna ride around in a buggy. It’s bad enough I have a four-cylinder. But I would like a fireless fireplace. I don’t know how you did it, Amish. Apparently, you partnered up with the wiccans because that is magical. [laughter] you know the economy’s in the toilet when the Amish can afford full-page ads in every paper. Apparently, butter is recession-proof. Does anyone in here know what I’m even talking about at this point? The Amish, they make this fireplace that doesn’t plug in. There’s no fire, but it’s pumping out heat. I assume there’s a hamster in there losing his mind. It’s no snuggie, but it’s a great product. Yeah, somebody bought me a snuggie as a joke gift. Ha, the joke’s on you. I enjoy it. [laughter] Yeah. Huh. I toss and turn at night. Finally, a blanket that’s like, “nuh-uh, I’m gonna keep you warm.” [laughter] It’s like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson. The perfect pressure. What upset me about the gift is that’s all I received, was one sage green snuggie, when, in fact, I know it comes with two snuggies and two book lights. Those are $20 values. Where the hell is the rest of my gift? Yeah. You have until Christmas, or I’m coming to your house and ripping 3/4 of your fathead off your wall. Not big ben. Yeah. Ben shouldn’t be in the bathroom with anyone. [laughter and applause]

Speaking of quarterbacks, uh, Brett Favre– I love that everybody gave him so much grief to retire. Brett Favre should retire. Are you out of your mind? He makes $12 million a year to play a game. “yeah, I’m gonna keep playing.” “Hey, Brett, the whole world thinks you should retire.” “you said $12 million, right? Yeah, they can go fuck themselves.” [laughter and applause] I would never quit, are you kidding me? What about in four years? He’s not good enough to be a starter, but he could be a backup in the NFL. Do you know what that pays? About $4 to $5 million. “Uh, yep, I’m gonna do that.” how about ten years? Not good enough to be a backup. But he could be on the practice squad. Do you know what that pays? About $850,000. “Uh, yep, I’m gonna do that as well. I’ll play forever.” it’d make the game more enjoyable if people weren’t allowed to retire. Athletes don’t wanna quit either. See some 70-year-old return a punt, like, “oh…” he gets hit, he explodes, he dies on the field with some honor. Yeah. And sports needs steroids. It does. Are you kidding me? Oh, baseball, certainly. Baseball’s a strike away from being soccer. Yeah. And if you like soccer, well, welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment, so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end zero-zero is not enjoyable unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies. [cheers and applause]


Baseball. Nobody wants to watch a pitching battle either. Let’s hit the ball deep. Don’t worry about your records either. For every superstar that has done steroids, a billion double “a” boys have juiced up, so the playing field is plenty even. We’ll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds’ name, sure, as soon as we put one next to babe Ruth’s name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me? Where is that asterisk? Why don’t people talk about that? [cheers and applause] oh. I’d love to know how many homers the babe would have hit had c.c. Been throwing him 92-mile-an-hour sliders. Yeah. Maybe the fat boy would have put the cigar down and quit pointing had Jose been allowed to swim 90 miles to throw him a junk ball. Don’t worry if you don’t follow. 90 miles is the distance from key west to Cuba, Jose’s a stereotypical name for a Latino ball player, and a junk ball’s an impossible pitch to hit yard anyplace except for the new Yankee stadium, which is a joke. The point… Is the record books might look a little different had our country not been founded by racists. That’s all. And I love that in 2010, you’re still not allowed to shit on the founding fathers. Why not? Screw them. They were a bunch of racist fucking pigs with a handful of good ideas. I just hope when they were signing the declaration of independence, they shot each other a glance. “all men are created equal. “you know what we mean. [laughs sarcastically] Now get me some hot coffee, boy.” [laughter]

Oh… At least we’re not women, right, fellas? Oh, jeez. What is that like? Is it horrible? Is it awful… To know you’re number two? By the way, these aren’t my beliefs. It’s my observations on the world I live in. If it changes, I’ll adjust the material accordingly. Cool. I like it when you try to rationalize it. “No, it’s great being a woman. Free drinks is worth not having equality.” [laughter] Listen, you’re in a great country to be number two, because at least in America, it’s close, right? Men are here. Women are here. Some countries, it’s like this and house cat is right there. Ho-ho. That is a bad country to be a woman in. Don’t get lost in a hike there. You’ll end up on Youtube without a head, and there’s no web redemption for that. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]


I gave a commencement speech recently at a high school, and that didn’t go well at all. A bunch of high-school kids, parents that are proud of them, and I’m belittling the entire thing. And the administration got really upset with me. They’re like, “oh, uh, we didn’t know you weren’t gonna take it seriously.” To which I replied, “really? “You thought this was where I was gonna get serious? High school, how did you do it?” [laughter] No. I refuse to give that generic speech. “As I look out here, I see future lawyers and doctors.” I gave the real speech. “there’s felons here. [laughter] some of you will die in a d.u.I. Accident tonight.” Oh, I’m sorry. Explain to me why a dose of reality before community college is a bad thing, because I certainly don’t need to pander to the 1%. They don’t need my little pep rally. They’re gonna be just fine. Nobody’s been a pile of shit their entire life and then turned it around because of the commencement address. Excuse me? No, no, it just clicked. “So you’re saying I can be anything? “Oh, yeah, that sounds way better than “what I was gonna do. I like this guy.” Don’t you love it when people in school are like, “I’m a bad test taker.” You mean, you’re stupid. [laughter] oh, you struggle with that part where we find out what you know? Oh. No, no, I can totally relate. See, because I’m a brilliant painter minus my god-awful brushstrokes. Oh, how the masterpiece is crystal up here, but once paint hits canvas, I develop Parkinson’s. [laughter] I apologize if there’s a Parkinson’s painter here this evening. I assume your best work is in the a.m. Probably gets a bit abstract by noon. [laughter] Hang in there, it gets worse. [laughter and applause] You ever hear this expression? “The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work.” Uh, I’ll call b.s. [laughter] I’ve watched the deadliest catch on discovery. I’ve never once been at work, capsized into 40-degree water, watched all my coworkers die and be like, “hey, at least we’re fuckin’ fishin’.” Huh? Am I right, criminals? I mean, crew? [applause]


“There’s no excuse for domestic violence.” It sounds like a challenge. [laughs] I mean, does everything have to be so black and white in this kindergarten country of ours? “There’s no excuse.” What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids? She’s about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? “Unfortunately, no. There’s no excuse. Gonna have to let her drown that third one.” What if you ask her to DVR the game, but she forgets to record the half-hour show afterwards just in case it goes into overtime? The point is there’s a gray area. Yeah. And I’m pretty sure my girlfriend found mine about two weeks ago. I asked her to record the game on ESPN, which she did, but not ESPN HD. And then she says, “well, at least you still get to watch it.” oh, yeah, yeah. No, I pay extra money so I can watch TV like poor people. I don’t even feel bad for cheating on you this weekend. [audience ohs] We have a rule in my house. If I’m ashamed, it doesn’t count. You gotta plow a four to appreciate an eight. [laughter] That’s my mantra. Yeah. I’ll come home from a road trip and be like, “you are so beautiful.” She’s like, “oh, you must have been with a pig this weekend.” I don’t cheat on her. It’s a joke. Don’t get me wrong, I hate my girlfriend. I… Hate being in a relationship, but I’m faithful. That’s the rule. You want your relationship to work, you have to be faithful. Uh, Tiger Woods, Jesse James, they thought they were above that simple rule. They’re not. Nobody is. And you can’t explain it to women either, like– my girlfriend’ll be like, “oh, my goodness, like, you really wanna hook up with some skank?” oh, oh, whoa. It’s not you versus skank, honey. It’s you versus every skank. Do you see how the scale shifts in the other direction at that point? It’s like, she’s a mighty spartan warrior. But there’s all these Persian whores… That will eventually kill her. [laughter] She gets the message. [laughter]


I hate tattoos. That being said, I have a few. Every year on my birthday, I get a small dash on my inner thigh where my balls currently hang. [laughter] You can’t tell me that’s not gonna be a beautiful work of art when it’s finished. My grandkids are playing with my balls, they can’t figure it out. They’re like, “what the hell are these things?” I’m like, “it’s your future. Read the chart.” They don’t stop growing. They’re like earlobes. [laughter] That joke was inspired by a door that wasn’t locked when I was 11. [laughter]


How about those winter Olympics? They were exciting, weren’t they? Finally, we got to figure out which country can slide down a hill faster. Not Georgia. [audience ohs] ooh. Oh, I’m sorry. Big luge fans, are you, here in San Fran? Take that luge seriously, don’t you? The winter Olympics are pointless. I’ll say it. Are you kidding me? I assume the only reason we have them is so white people feel relevant in sports, because other than that, the only thing the winter Olympics show me is which country has more rich white kids? What’s it cost to go skiing? $900 a day? “oh, I can’t believe that’s not more popular in the inner cities.” hmm. “Hey, latrell, you wanna play basketball today?” “no, man, I’m going to Breckenridge.” “oh. “lah-dee uncle tom dah. Latrell’s going to Breckenridge.” [laughter] I hate the summer games, for that matter. I just don’t want parents to be rewarded for encouraging their kids to forfeit their entire childhood perfecting a sport no one cares about for 3 years and 11 months at a time, then for one month, I got to act as if the vault affects my patriotism. It doesn’t. I hope you miss the jump and rib cage it. Yeah. Do that for old glory. Enjoy your eating disorder, ask your mom why you stopped growing at 4’3″, and remember, every guy says hammertoe’s a deal breaker. I’m not touching your feet, Mary Lou. They’re disgusting. [cheers and applause] And how bad is that medal ceremony? Ugh. It’s horrible. I hate our fuckin’ anthem. The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? “What are you listening to?” “Oh, the national anthem. “I love it. It just really gets me jazzed up.” I want my own country. If one of my athletes medals, oh-ho-ho, it’s gonna be great, because my national anthem’s gonna be 32 minutes long just so bronze and silver go, “what the fuck? How long is this?” it’s like, “knock it off, losers. “You’re being very disrespectful. There’s a nine-minute guitar solo coming.” “Was that November Rain?” [laughter]

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing in this country– that Michael Phelps fell from the graces for smoking marijuana or that you looked up to a swimmer in the first place? [laughs] [cheers and applause] Are you out of your mind? Swimming? You mean that thing you instinctively do before you die? “Yeah, but he’s really fast. It’s… It’s pretty heroic.” The first thing Michael Phelps should have done when that photo came out was call Kobe Bryant‘s publicist, because Kobe was accused of rape. And all he had to do was settle in civil court for millions of dollars, change his jersey number, win a championship, and that soulless town in L.A. couldn’t be prouder. Yeah, I just hope when parents let their kids run around in number 24 jerseys, they have the decency to be like, “oh, come on. Number eight was the rapist. [laughter] “24 just has a great work ethic. And an unblockable turnaround.” [laughter] [cheers and applause]


Kangaroos can’t hop backwards. It’s not very funny, but you learned something. I don’t care how drunk you get tonight, you will never forget that. You’ll be in Australia nine years from now. Your friend will get attacked by a kangaroo, and you’ll instinctively yell, “get behind him. “Wait, how did I know to say that? “How did I know to say that? “Am I a wizard? “have I always been a wizard? Well, then why don’t I have a demon?” [scattered laughter] I love snapple facts. I wish they would hire me. I’d give ’em facts. They’d be silly. Like, babies aren’t dishwasher-safe. People would be like, “oh, my goodness. “Who doesn’t know this? “well, I guess if they keep one baby out of the dishwasher, “they’re doing a good thing over there. Thanks, summer peach.” I prefer the teas. This is my impression of Johnny Depp before he leaves his house at night. If you don’t know, johnny Depp’s 48 years old. I assume it goes like this. “Hold on, guys, I’ll be right with you. “I have to put on another bracelet. “I only have six on. I want to wear seven tonight. “I know you’re in a hurry, “but I have to make sure my belt is askew “and my handkerchief is just so, because I’m almost 50, and I love accessories.” Cool should have a cutoff. And my vote is 48.


I like watching movies on DVD. I don’t need all the extras. I don’t need to see alternate endings. They’re never that different. They’re just longer, a few more swear words, and a boob that the general public couldn’t handle. If you’re gonna give me alternate endings, you better blow me away. Let me watch the mighty ducks with my nephew. Yeah, we watched the alternate ending where they lose the hockey game. Then they go back to the locker room. They start doing blow and jerking off on each other. Emilio’s dead in the shower. You’re like, “holy cow. Whoa. “Did you see the alternate ending? “No, no, no, they went “in a completely different direction. “I think Disney was smart with the original. That alternate ending was a little too heavy for the kids.” That’s Disney, always sneaking in subliminal stuff in our movies. Did you know there’s a penis on the little mermaid box? You try to draw Ariel for six months and not put a dick somewhere. God, I love that fish half. Liberal.


A little girl was killed in my neighborhood recently, which is sad, but it happens, not usually in white neighborhoods, but it happens. I think there’s a pie chart that proves that somewhere. Small sliver, safer. She was killed on a street where people had been complaining for years that cars drive too fast. So reactive in nature as everyone is, after the horrible accident, they had a bunch of speed bumps put in. And I thought, “wow, what a horrible way for their family to remember every time they drive down that road.” Ba-boom. [whimpers] “Natalie! “Your mother and I miss you so much. “But you are really doing a number on our suspension. “No, honey, I told you we should have leased this car. “Even in the afterlife, she makes us fight. Good riddance.” Yeah, you see what happened there? In the beginning of this made-up story, you felt bad for the family. Now, at the end, you realize they weren’t fit parents to begin with. We’ve all grown.

Let’s move on to some nonfiction. Do you remember when that kid was killed at six flags, had his head cut off by the roller coaster? Oh, man, the first thing that went through my mind was, “wow, how am I gonna make this funny for everybody?” Here goes. If you don’t remember the story, he was on a church youth group. He was on a roller coaster ride. His hat blew off. After the ride was over, he’s like, “I’m gonna go get my hat.” And there was a big fence with signs on it that probably said, “hey, cut your losses.” And he’s like, “what? “have you seen me in that hat? Not today, fence.” And he went over it. And there was a second fence with more signs. Like, “come on, knock it off.” He’s like, “you can’t tell me how to live, signs.” And he went over that fence. And on the other side, the story ends. Did he get the hat? I’d like to think he did. Right? A small silver lining. Like, “I told you I’d get it.” And then whack, right then. And I know he was on a church youth group, and they don’t believe in evolution, but that kid was getting picked off sooner or later. Yeah. [laughter and applause] And if I were a family member, I’d say 15 years was a pretty good run. But then again, I’m half full. The real story, which nobody talks about until now, is how he was decapitated. It was a suspension roller coaster. A young lady, 25 years old, her leg is what decapitated him. Shattered her leg in over eight places. She had to have three surgeries and wear a cast for over a year. I don’t know if you’ve ever worn a cast or not, but everybody and their mother will come up to you and be like, “how’d you break your leg?” [laughter] She gets to be like, “I fuckin’ punted a guy’s head “90 yards. Yeah. Top that, Janikowski.” Oh, finally a raider reference that doesn’t involve sucking. [cheers and applause]

People have always told me I have a sick sense of humor. What do you say to that? I assume it’s relative. Who are you comparing me to? Carrot top? Then, yeah, I’m a little blue. To my circle of friends, I’m tame. My sister’s off the charts. I play practical jokes on her constantly, though. I got her so good a few weeks ago. I replaced her pepper spray with silly string. Anyway, that night, she got raped, and she called me the next day, going, “you son of a bitch. “You got me so good. “No, no, no, no, as soon “as I started spraying him in the face. “I’m like, ‘Daniel. This is gonna really hurt.'” [singsong] Hot pocket. That’s how that joke ends. I had another comic friend of mine finish it.

I hate rain. I understand the necessity for it. But when I walk outside, I prefer it to be sunny. That’s why I love California so much. Oh, and I think it’s because I wear a 35 inseam when I’m clearly a 34. But I’ve always liked my pants long in the back. I like ’em to hit the ground, naturally fray over time, but when it rains, oh. Am I right? The fray gets wet, then the pant leg goes up much higher than anything I ever stepped in. I just look down. I’m like, aagh! Is this what the people in New Orleans went through? Because this is awful. Had I known it was that bad, maybe I would have helped. Next time, ‘Trina 2, I’m your savior. Do they name storms like sequels in movies? Because they should. ‘Trina 2: God’s still crying. You want help, don’t invest in property value that’s below sea level. You’re welcome. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]


People always assume I’m a bleeding-heart liberal. What? I’m conservative on almost all the key issues. I hate the poor. I’ve said that forever. “We need help.” Yeah, we’ve heard. And some of you know I have a charity, but I did that for tax purposes. If you’re not familiar with it, it’s called febrezing the homeless. [laughter] No, it’s not what some of you think. What I do, I go around, and I febreze homeless people. Is that what you thought it was? Well, this isn’t a game show. It’s nice. Who would you give a dollar to? The guy that smells like liquid garbage or ocean breeze? It’s a no-brainer. You’re gonna make it rain on number two. Make it rain. “Thank you, rap community, for continuing to keep women in their place,” he said with heavy sarcasm. If you don’t know, it’s when you throw cash on the hos. I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah, that’s when you throw change on sluts. [imitates whooshing] “Ow! Are those nickels?” “Yeah. It’s a down economy. I’m a baller on a budget, bitch.” You see that? You see that? Keep an open hand. That’ll keep you out of prison. I don’t know if that’s true… Just in case anybody goes home tonight and decides to beat the shit out of their– “I kept an open hand. Your honor, the comedian clearly stated…”


Some issues I go a little left on. I heart abortion. Fine. Where’s that t-shirt, urban outfitters? I’ll buy one. Large, preshrunk, cotton-poly blend, overpriced, but very soft. Just says “I heart abortion.” not a regular heart, an unborn fetus heart that has been vacuumed out. Look at it. What, it’s okay for them to stick it on a poster board, shove it into some kid’s face that’s making the toughest decision of her life, but I embrace it and I’m the a-hole? Got it. What’s the back of the shirt say? “Problem solved.” It says, “go back to being selfish. “Your life’s not over just yet. “Don’t have to take all those failed dreams and cram ’em down somebody else’s throat.” Back of the shirt’s long. People may bump into you, like, “sorry, I was reading that horrible shirt. Where are you headed?” “Sarah Palin’s house.” [laughter]

Speaking of awful parents, Joe Jackson deserves a lifetime achievement award. Holy cow. I like when people acted shocked that Michael died. Are you kidding me? Michael was on borrowed time as soon as he switched races. Don’t act so sad over his death. Are you kidding? There’s a reason– there’s a reason his reunion tour was in London. Nobody in America wants to watch a 50-year-old man scoot backwards. [laughter] [cheers and applause]


I was making love to this girl recently. Let’s say she’s 19. There’s no bouncer in my bedroom. You’re in. She says to me during the act of lovemaking, “Hey, Daniel, what’s it like having sex with a condom on?” I’m like, “how should I know?” I didn’t say that. We need time machines. What I said was way less romantic. I said, “oh. It’s a lot like picking up dog shit with a bag,” which I thought then and think now is a spot-on analogy. Like, you know there’s dog poo in your hand, but you don’t freak out. [laughter] [applause]


Sometimes when I’m out at night and I see a group of women, I like to walk up to ’em and pretend that I’m a judge at a dog show. And I just go, “mm. “third, second, first… In that order!” [applause] They love it. They want to be judged. They spend a lot of time getting ready. There’s not a girl in here that wouldn’t like to go home tonight with a blue ribbon on. Her friend’s like, “where did you get that ugly ribbon?” “Oh, some guy at the bar thought I won.” “Katie didn’t even place. I know. It’s crazy.” If I see a really hot chick, I’ll grab her by the crotch and the throat and be like, “best in show.” Little heavy. Should have picked one from the toy group. Big can be beautiful, okay? Just not to me. I find you disgusting. Freshman 15’s not a life sentence. Okay? […] We’re too fat. We’re just too fat. I was on a plane recently that was delayed over three hours at the gate because they ran out of seat-belt extensions. Do you even know what seat-belt extensions are? Seat belts only go this big. [laughter] Some people need an extra 6 1/2 feet of nylon to strap in, as if any collision would unwedge them.


I love that the modeling industry gets attacked for being too skinny. Really, America? You’re not too big? Mm-mm. Is something in your mouth? Mm-mm. Do you know why they say that– that models are too skinny? It’s because parents are horrible. They can’t tell their 16-year-old daughter that she’s not really a princess. Well, guess what. I can. If you’re 16 years old and you think the only difference between you and Gisele is your waistline and not your busted face… Here’s some advice– fill up the paxil, because life is gonna be really sad. If you’re walking around like, “well, why am I not a supermodel yet?” Who are you even looking at, seabiscuit? “Oh, I want to be a model.” Do you want me to explain it to you? Let’s start with your jawline. That’s not gonna sell a lot of makeup in the magazines. “But I’m skinny.” you are a troll. My advice, have a twinkie, get real good at math, because life is not gonna be easy for you. I’m sorry if this is your wake-up call, but being an ugly woman is like being a man. You’re gonna have to work. Yep. Thank you very much, you guys. Thank you. Thanks for coming out. [cheers and applause]


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