DANA CARVEY: STRAIGHT WHITE MALE, 60 (2016) – Full Transcript

Emmy-winning comedian Dana Carvey blends pitch-perfect takes on big personalities with so-true-it-hurts stories from his life as a dad of millennials.

Thank you. Man! Let’s talk about the phenomenon that is Donald Trump. People angry already. “What? I’ll kill you!” “Donald Trump, okay? Donald Trump, all right?” I do him a little effeminate. I don’t know why. I just do him, like, a little soft, little bit of lotion, little bit of ChapStick. I just do, you know. I mean, he’s got his patented moves. You know, he’s got the seal. That’s one of his, the seal. “Okay, okay, okay, okay.” The index shuffle. “Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.” He’s like a Batman villain if you think about it, isn’t he? “You’ll never get away with this, Trump.” “You know… I think I will, okay?” The thing of 2016 was that he took out Jeb Bush. He took him out. The Bushes, they’re tough, man. They’re like the “Sons of Katie Elder.” Boomer reference. They’re pissed, you know, ’cause Trump took him down so fast. He just went, “You know, you know, you know, Jeb, you’re a low-energy individual, okay? You’re very tired. You’re very tired. You’re very, very tired. You’re tired… tired… tired.” And I looked at Jeb Bush, and I thought, “My God, he’s right!” He looks like a vice principal of a junior high school. ‘Cause Bush family… But you gotta admit how fun to put W, not Jeb but W, up against Trump. ‘Cause W… W is like… He’s kinda like a street fighter. He’s kinda… You know, he’s kinda just itchy and kinda jumpy. Yeah. He’s the only president who was, like, surfing and hitchhiking the entire time. I would love to see him up against Trump, ’cause Trump would be like, “You know, you’re president because your daddy was president. That’s it. Okay? Okay? Okay?” W would be like… “Yeah. Who does your hair? Stupidcuts? ‘Cause that thing is hair-diculous.” An impression can be anything, in my mind. And that’s my impression… my impression of W. Kinda like a drunk marionette. The thing about Trump, though, if you agree with him, you might kinda like him on certain subjects, ’cause he’s such a blunt force instrument. Like, who else would you want, if he was afraid of global warming at a global warming conference, than Trump? ‘Cause he would be like, “You know… you know, you’re stupid countries. You’re very stupid. You’re stupid, stupid countries. You’re a disaster. You’re a disaster. You’re spewing stuff in the air. It’s a disaster. It’s a disaster. You’re a stupid, stupid disaster. The whole planet’s getting hot. Even the grass is hot. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch… I will be so good with global warming. I will be so, so good with global warming. I will make CO2 pay for it. I promise you that. I know how to make glaciers. I know how to make glaciers. I can make a lot of glaciers, okay? I will take all the ice from the Trump Hotels… It’s a lot of ice. I can promise you that. I will put it on the Carnival cruise ships. They’re friends of mine. I know these people.” It’s a trip, man. Hillary and Bill. Hillary and Bill. What a story. I feel like Bill’s got a headset. He’s got a microphone behind the scenes. “Big Dog to Little Hill. Big Dog to Little Hill. Come in, Little Hill. Big Dog to Little Hill. Come on, baby. Come on. Come in, Big Dog, Little Hill. Big Dog, Little Hill. Baby, you gotta slow down. You gotta slow down. You can’t emphasize things that don’t need emphasizing, baby. Now, take it easy. Here it comes. Just do it real soft-like, okay?” And Hillary’s like… “We will do the things that we need to do until we don’t do them… because we don’t need to do them anymore.” “No, baby. No, baby. Ain’t working. Slow down, peaches and cream.”

It’s just so much stuff out there. Obama… Obama was the best I’d seen, politically, of creating gravitas all the time because he would pause. He would just take his time, and it made you lean in. I mean, I could listen to him do nursery rhymes, and it would have gravitas with the way he can talk. He’d be like… “‘Jack and Jill went up the hill… …to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown.’ That’s a teachable moment.” “‘Three blind mice. Three blind mice. Chase a farmer’s wife or cut off their tail with a knife.’ The question you gotta ask yourself, ‘Why are these mice blind in the first place? What kind of healthcare program have they got?'” Harvard intellectual, big vocabulary. ‘Cause in a way, Bush gave birth to Obama, ’cause Bush, for eight years, is just hearing this… And then it was just refreshing, that baritone. “This is what we’re prepared to do. That’s the truth. No, no. No, no. No, no. That’s not right. Nope. Never. That’s… what… we’re gonna…” It’s just a pleasant sound. But to try to hear Obama figure out the complexity in the Middle East, it’s very tough, even for him. It’s like, “What we’re continuing to do in terms of the caliphate, what… what our partners, our coalition, strategically, with air strikes, no boots on the ground, our intelligence, what we, the… What our… The northern… The Syrian rebels with a general, um… The effort… the effort to defeat ISIS, ISIL, Daesh, with the… The Ottoman Empire with the Turks. The Peshmerga with Netanyahu and Hamas, in terms of… The proxy war, Khomeini with the Saudis and the… The Shia, the Sunni, Putin and Assad. It’s fucked up.” “It’s a shitstorm.” Notice how anybody and everybody is now Hitler? You noticed that? They called Obama Hitler. They called Trump Hitler. They called Bush Hitler, you know. And Hitler’s a fascinating guy. There’s only one Hitler. And Hitler always was animated and loud, when you’d see him in news reels. He’s like… No human being can sustain that. So, I often thought that Hitler would be just exhausted backstage. You know, so tired he’s almost effeminate. And he’s like really manipulative, like any man or woman of power. He’d be like… “Himmler. Himmler, my little SS man. So stealthy, so secretive. Everyone loves your haircut, but we don’t know who your barber is. You complete me, Himmler. Sometimes we’re at a meeting, and there is an awkward silence, ‘What are we going to do with all these Jews?’ And then you say, ‘How about build more camps?’ And I say, ‘What he said.’ Send in Göring. Hello, Göring, my chubby, little Luftwaffe man. You’re tubby, aren’t you? Don’t shame yourself. In the future, scientists will probably determine that you have a genetic predisposition to crave processed carbohydrates, that’s all. I have one cookie, I put it down. You have one cookie, your brain throws a party, you want 100 cookies. Goebbels and I laugh a lot, we see you at a party. ‘Look at tubby. He’s dive-bombing a cookie.’ All I’m saying is, don’t blitzkrieg cinnamon toast. You’re husky, but you’re my husky, General. And now I’m going to take a nap.” I don’t have a final line for this bit, but that’s all I’m saying right now. Speaking of Bernie Sanders… You gotta love Bernie. You gotta love Bernie. Bernie is what he is, what he is, what he is. I mean, the energy he’s got. This is the Bernie Sanders phenomenon distilled for you. This is my impression. “What I’m prepared to do… What I’m prepared to do… I will find people with money. I will take their money… and give it to people that don’t have money.” He’s like a sleepwalking Frankenstein. “I will find a rich prick. You look like a rich prick. I will take your money and give it to the poor bastard sitting next to you.” I don’t know, to me… I’m a boomer, but to me, you know, capitalism is an Apple Store. Socialism is the Department of Motor Vehicles. And I love them Department of Motor Vehicles. Sweaty, pissed-off workers that can’t get fired, just yelling. And they laugh at you. “You got in the wrong line, you fucking idiot.” Then you go to an Apple Store. It’s like a Stanley Kubrick film. “Welcome to the Apple Store. Do you like all of our beautiful toys? Are you in the market for a 2017 fully-loaded MacBook Pro with, wait for it, 264 gigabytes of storage? Or would you like to visit the Genius Bar for some mental stimulation?” I personally like making money in a capitalist country and then going to a socialist country. I love Italy. I love Italy because… too much pressure in America, man. You gotta do… Keep up with everybody. But in Italy, they don’t care what you make for a living. You’re just a person. “Relax. Have a glass of wine. It’s Italy, all right? Yeah, you make a little love. You have a little wine. It’s all right. Here, have some wine.” “It’s 7:00 a.m.” “Like I said, here we go. Let’s be honest. We’re never going to have a space program.” “Why go to the moon when you can sing to the moon?” ♪ Oh, my moon ♪ ♪ We’re never going to go to you ♪ ♪ Because to go to you ♪ ♪ Would be way too much work ♪

I feel income inequality on airplanes, man. ‘Cause I have extra money, I get to ride in the pointy part of the airplane, and you just feel like a rich prick. You’re up there. You’ve got your New York Times and your champagne, a big leather seat, and then… and then they arrive. The lost masses coming through the porthole. Just hundreds of them, like refugees with carry-on the size of their bodies. “Go! Go!” Little girls will come up and just stare at me. Mothers with six kids. “Why can’t we stay here, Mommy?” “‘Cause they don’t want us here. Get back in the shitty seats.” “Why do they get to stay up here?” “‘Cause they don’t pay their fair share of taxes.” There’s eight of us and 300 of them. It’s the most unequal thing in the world. That’s why I like Aer Lingus, ’cause they just… this Irish airways. They’re very equal in Ireland. First class and coach, it’s almost identical. Just slightly bigger seat. They come on, “Well, if you think you’re a little bit full of yourself, I have the discretion to put you back in the tiny seats at any time.” Have you ever gone on Aer Lingus? Ever heard of Aer Lingus? This Irish… It’s very cool. Why anybody would name their airline Aer Lingus, I can’t fathom. Sounds vaguely pornographic, doesn’t it? “Welcome to Aer Lingus, where you get a little something extra with your ticket.” You go in, it’s very humble. There’s just benches. “Here’s some yarn. Strap yourself in. Here’s a shot of whiskey and a potato. See you in Dublin.” And like I said, I don’t like to fly. We’re out on the tarmac. I was flying with my wife’s aunt and uncle from Ireland, and I asked, “Who does the maintenance on this?” And she was very Irish Catholic. She goes, “I think Jesus can do the maintenance just fine. And Jesus said unto his disciples, ‘Righty tighty, lefty loosey.'” So, it was cool in the beginning, then we hit some wicked turbulence. The pilot comes on, “Well, this is Captain Patrick O’Shaughnessy. As you can see, ladies and gents, the angels and demons are having a bit of a tussle tonight. We suggest you sit back and relax and have a few pints of Guinness like we do up here in the cockpit. There’s nothing like five, six, seven pints of Guinness to make all these knobs, dials and switches mean something to us in the pointy part of the aeroplane. If you check under your seat, you’ll see you have an individual keg of Guinness beer. In the unlikely event your keg loses pressure, a little yellow straw will come down from the ceiling. Be sure your straw is free-flowing with Guinness for yourself before you assist your child, infant, or toddler with their Guinness.” “There’s nothing like a few pints of Guinness for a newborn to build the bones.” So, we’re back there, drinking our free Guinnesses. He comes back, like, 45 minutes later. “This is Captain Paddy O’Shaughnessy.” “Oh, yes! Thank… thank God. Thank God and Jesus himself for the little button I like to call autopilot. Do you ever wonder how this big gob of steel gets up in the first place? Every time she lifts off the tarmac, I say a little prayer to myself, ‘Fly, fucker, fly!’ ♪ Oh, Danny Boy Oh, Danny Boy ♪ My copilot Danny O’Sullivan passed out 19 minutes ago. He had a bite of a five-leaf hallucinogenic clover. The last thing he said before he passed out was, ‘My God, I can fly!’ I’ll leave you with a little joke, ladies and gentiles, before we land in Dublin. Two Irishmen walk out of a bar. It could happen.” So… Thank you. I’m so glad that my sons are in their 20s now, because they are nightmares when they’re teenagers. ‘Cause teenagers are literally insane, and their plans are insane, and you have to hear them out as the parent, ’cause you want to say no right away. But literally, when they were teenagers, I’d hear stuff like, “Uh, we’re gonna drive to Lake Tahoe tonight.” “Really? When are you leaving?” “We’re gonna leave at 3:30 in the morning.” “Who’s driving?” “Eduardo.” “Who’s that?” “He’s a substitute teacher at Drake High School.” “How many are going?” “There’ll be 19 of us in his Cadillac Eldorado. I’m gonna ride in the trunk. We’re gonna drive for 13 hours, snowboard for 11 minutes and ride back.” So, as a parent, you have to say no, and then they walk off with that teenage walk, and under their breath they go, “Bunch of fucking bullshit.” You know that walk? In Montana, they call it “all hat and no cattle.” “Bunch of fucking bullshit.” This person has no 401, no property ownership. Just… “Bunch of fucking bullshit, man.” There’s so much attitude, there’s almost no forward motion. They can’t even go forward. I just love the sound of that teenage, “Bunch of fucking bullshit.” It’s like it’s its own language. Never take teenage boys to Europe. It’s a waste of time and money. Don’t do it. They don’t care about a statue of David. I thought it was gorgeous. They just laughed for two hours. “Look at his balls. I thought it was a work of art.” One thing that was funny. We went to Italy, and my wife studied Italian for a year, so she could speak and everything. So, I’m in the gym, and I’m on the treadmill. And when it went faster, it said, “Difficoltà.” And I thought, “I can speak Italian if I add a vowel and cop an attitude.” So, we’re in Lake Como… I know. We were there waiting for the boat to come, whatever, the ferry. My wife’s trying to figure out how to ask when it’s gonna arrive, and I just leaned in and went, “Arrivi de boate?” And it worked! I was our interpreter for a week. It was like… When you go on Lake Como, every boat driver goes, “You like to see George Clooney’s house?” They’re obsessed with George Clooney. Pictures in every restaurant of George. So, after the tenth time, I just yelled at the guy, “Sicke of de Clooney.” I heard him, under his breath, go, “Bunch of fucking bullshit.” We went to Rome, okay? So, Rome is unbelievable. We were in the Roman Colosseum, and my wife and I are having the time of our life. It’s history. It’s Rome. My God! My son, 18 at the time, no exaggeration, literally said this. “Uh… Is this pretty much all we’re gonna do today?” I said, “Yeah, pretty much.” “Bunch of fucking bullshit.” I kinda love that attitude. There’s a rhythm to that. When I heard it, I thought, “I’m gonna use that as a catchphrase.” “Bunch of fucking bullshit.” And I tried to give it to my son, ’cause he’s a stand-up comedian. He’s the one who said it. He goes, “It doesn’t sound funny to me.” I would use it in real life. The IRS tries to audit you, “Bunch of fucking bullshit.” Doin’ a different son. Are those millennials arriving? Anyone? Millennials? Yeah. All right. Under 35? Yeah. Awesome. Look at you. She’s gorgeous. Wow! Young, pretty. Look at these millennials. “Coming in late, man. Hitting the bar kinda hard. They’ll hold the seats.” You’re like superheroes. Enjoy your youth, man. Touch your toes. Never take a nap. Pound those drinks. Wake up fresh. You guys are not gonna mess up your life like the baby boomers. We were way too ambitious, man. Millennials, you’re not gonna mess up your life. You’re gonna work small, live small. Smart. Smart. Have some roommates. Maybe own a bike. You guys don’t even need cars. We had to get cars to be cool. You’re just gonna Uber it up. You’re so brilliant at some things. I mean, millennials are just so fast with their fingers, and they can Call of Duty and Skype and text. But you’re completely crippled when it comes to basic things. ‘Cause your parents are always right there, and they’re the experts. Typical millennial kid will go, “Uh, Mom? Uh… we don’t have any heat in our apartment.” And the mom goes, “You should probably call your landlord.” Millennial kid, “Uh… I’m not real good at calling landlords. Could you do it?” And we do. We do call the landlord, because we don’t want them to be sad. Most photographed generation in history, you millennial. Thousands and thousands of pictures with your obsessed parents. I’m a baby boomer. I have one picture of my childhood. One blurry, black and white photo the size of a postage stamp. I can’t… I can’t tell if I’m smiling or shitting my pants. And the parents are obsessed. God, just please, parents, holster your phone. I don’t wanna see pictures of your kids. Come on, you’re out to dinner with baby boomer parents. “Have you seen Benjamin?” I don’t give a fuck about Benjamin. I don’t care. Millennials. How old are you, ma’am? Twenty-nine. Wow. Sweet spot. Well… And I’m a lascivious old man. I just mean women underestimate their beauty. Your skin is perfect, the neck… I mean, everything has just arrived basically. It’s great. You’re sexy. You’re sexy. I know that you got Pornhub, whatever you’ve got, but you’re not as sexy as a mature woman. I have friends now who are dating women in their early 20s. They’re in their 50s. And… …there’s just no “there, there.” I’m sorry. Just from my point of view. ‘Cause we’re out at a restaurant, this woman goes, “Oh, my God, the dragon rolls are so good here. I’m obsessed with these dragon rolls.” I go, “What about global poverty?” “What?” Young women don’t really know what to do with their body like a mature woman, who’s had children, and she’s in her 50s. A young woman is like, “Oh, my God, what are you trying to do to me?” Older woman is like, “Oh, my God. What are you trying to do to me?” Sex gets good in your 50s, doesn’t it? Look at these smiling seniors. Look at these “Can’t make a baby, some pills, some ointments, some light stretching. Oh, my God! Oh, my God, that’s… Whoa, whoa!” Oh, yeah, you got it all going on. Yeehaw! Yeah! Who knew? The thing about it, though, is that, you know… the divorce rate for men and women in their 50s has quadrupled. Quadrupled in the last decade. You know why? Because science will not let us die. Okay, think about it. Okay. You’re sitting there, you’re with someone for 25 years, you’re in your 50s, and at one point, even in the best marriage, you’re thinking… “Three more decades? Really? With this bag of nothing? Three more decades of watching him drool in his sleep?” Three more decades of her going, “I’m kind of gassy today.” Even in the best marriage, at one point, you look over and go… “Not my best choice.” I don’t wanna bum you out, but it’s true. I’m heavily medicated right now. I don’t know about you guys. Don’t you love the pharmacy? Don’t you love the social dynamic of the pharmacy? I just love it. You go in there. Everyone’s uptight. You know the pharmacist in the white lab, he’s dipping into whatever they got back there. And there’s always an old guy off to the side who’s clearly been there all day. “Did my doctor call? Did my doctor call?” They always know his name ’cause he’s there so… “No, Bill, he didn’t call. Try the blood pressure machine again. That’s always fun.” When it’s packed on a Friday afternoon, man, it’s intense. And you’re supposed to stay behind the privacy barrier, so you can’t hear what they’re getting. Don’t you wanna know what they’re getting? Did you ever do an I Love Lucy, where you just kind of creep up and look around? “What do they need to get through life?” I hate it when you get a pissed-off, sweaty, drugged-out pharmacist on a Friday afternoon. The whole place is packed. He starts yelling out. You can hear what people are getting. It’s embarrassing. “We got a pick up. I can’t make out the name here. Pick up Zoloft, Imodium and Ambien, anybody? Pick up Zoloft, Imodium and Ambien, anybody? I need a nutball with diarrhea who can’t sleep. Come on up! You sleepless, diarrhetic nutball!” And then the guy has to do the walk of shame in front of everybody. “Pick up Crestor and Plavix. I need a heart attack waiting to happen. Come on!” Everyone just thinking, “Which ones am I taking?” “Propecia, Adderall and Cialis. Pick up, I can’t make it out, Propecia, Adderall and Cialis. I need a cue ball who’s too distracted to know he can’t get an erection. Come on up!” Is it me or does it seem like the pharmaceutical companies are just making up diseases so they can sell us drugs? I mean, you watch TV and it’s just so weird. I’m waiting for, “Does your tongue seem smaller than it used to be? You may be suffering from Tiny Tongue Syndrome. Has the cat got your tongue? Afraid to eat ice cream in public? Introducing all-new Tenultra. Most patients experience some tongue growth in as little as four to six weeks. Get back in the game. Call your doctor. Get Tenultra!” “Thank you, Tenultra. Thank you. Because of you, my tongue is almost normal size.” “Side effects include elongated torso, thick, matted stomach hair, and sudden anal closure.” Now, here’s a little, what I call, “TED Talk with jokes” section. ‘Cause if I don’t got wisdom, I got nothing. I’m a straight, white male, 60 years of age. Yeah, I know. Straight, white male. So people think I’m racist, sexist, xenophobic, homophobic, Islamophobic and misogynistic. Pretty much me. I’m not a part of a particularly popular group of people right now. I totally understand. My ancestors did some nasty shit. I mean, these white guys, they raped and pilfered and plundered and enslaved, and conquered nations and ruined the environment. But you gotta admit, they were busy. I was raised Lutheran, by the way. I don’t know if you guys are hardcore Irish Catholics or whatever here. I was Lutheran. Lutheran’s pretty cool, ’cause we’re not really hardcore. It’s kind of casual. I mean, you knew that no one in the church really believed that much. Even our hymns were agnostic. It’ll be like… ♪ I’ll believe if you’ll believe ♪ ♪ I’ll believe if you’ll believe ♪ ♪ On Sunday, I believe By Wednesday, I have doubts ♪ ♪ But by Sunday, I believe again ♪ ♪ Oh, if you believe, I’ll believe Oh, yay! ♪ ♪ Jesus, son of God or just a nice guy? ♪ Don’t get me wrong. I love Jesus. My wife’s Irish Catholic. I love Jesus. But Jesus was never the father to a teenage boy. That would have challenged even Jesus. “I am the light. I am the way.” “No, you’re not. Why do you walk around with your palms like that, all out? It looks really stupid.” “Spread the gospel, my son.” “Uh, I’m not real good at spreading the gospel. Could you do it?” And Jesus was… He drank. But how much did Jesus drink? Do you ever wonder? Did he ever put his hand over his goblet and go, “I’m good. I am good”? Is it possible Jesus was a highly functioning alcoholic? You know, Mark says to Matthew, “Healed the leper, but he was lit. We can’t send him to rehab. He can turn water into wine. Jesus! The other night at dinner, he says, ‘One of you will betray me.’ Classic alcoholic behavior. Last week, he said he wanted to walk on water. We gathered everyone around. He was so shit-faced, he just floated on his back for a half hour.” If God had made four sons, could Jesus have opted out on the messiah thing? “Dad, I don’t really feel like being the messiah. Can’t Doug do it?” Then those exorcist movies would be like, “The power of Doug compels you. The power of Doug compels you.” I love faith, but I think it’s good to have some doubts, so you don’t do crazy shit. I mean, I think what America needs, we need an ISIS guy with doubts. You know, just a guy sitting there… “Buckner… I don’t know, Buckner. You know, sometimes things pop into my head. I don’t really know. You know, the whole, you know, if I put on a suicide vest, go boom, then I wake up and there are 72 virgins. It’s just so specific. But I’m sure it’s totally true. I’m sure. I don’t… I’m just saying ideas pop in my head, like, maybe women could drive. I don’t know. Crazy. What if occasionally I had a beer? Would that be terrible? I mean, sometimes I think these things. I don’t know, Buckner. Why can’t the women… I love the way we dress. We cover them, the little eyes and everything, but maybe they could wear a nice pair of Levi’s and a little halter top from the Gap or something.” “I mean, do we really have to kill the nonbelievers? Couldn’t we really just get them in a headlock and go, ‘You better…’?” There’s so much darkness in the world. I think we’re being hypnotized into darkness with these machines. I mean, my parents would get the darkest news, but they were getting it in the 1930s and 1940s. They would hear newsreels. And they were playful and kind of fun, no matter how dark it was. You’d be watching a movie, and before the movie, they’d come on, they’d be like, “News out of 1945 in the Pacific Theater. Ladies and gentlemen, as the Empire of Japan has officially refused to surrender, America says, ‘No go, Tokyo.’ Say hello to Fat Man and Little Boy. 20,000 tons of TNT. Sayonara.” I mean, when I first thought of this, I thought of the Bruce Jenner/Caitlyn Jenner thing. I’m friends with Bruce Jenner. I’ve not met Caitlyn. I’m sure she’s really cool. I personally don’t care what anyone does. Transgender, gay, I don’t care what anyone wants to do. I mean, I have a friend who’s trans-bestial. He’s becoming a cat. I don’t care. But I thought that should’ve been more playful. It was so heavy. “He’s becoming a woman. Oh, my God!” It should have just been like, “And Olympic gold medalist, Bruce Jenner, has announced today that he would like to become a she. And guess what, she’s gorgeous.” And when I thought of that, I called my friend, Jon Lovitz, because it sounded like Jon. And I said, “Jon, I just thought of a bit. I want to give it to you.” And I told him, and he laughed. And I go, “Jon, you can have it.” He paused and went, “I’ll write my own material.”

But there’s really only two kinds of people in the world, there’s the decent and the indecent. I do think that order matters. And I think that Cosby‘s mistake… Yeah. Cosby did things out of order. That’s all. He did it out of order. If he had consensual sex with a woman, and then gave her an Ambien, no problem. If he gets off and tries it again, it’ll never work. Everybody knows. But if he’s 90, demented, he’ll still try. “So, I got to put the pill in the bitty, and I touch the titty?” “No, Bill. Nothing’s gonna happen.” “But I take the pill, and I put it in the bitty, and I touch the titty?” “Not gonna happen, Bill. I’m sorry, Mr. Cosby. No.” “But I did the bitty, did the titty…” Sometimes, I’ll see stuff that inspires me to do a bit. And I watched this documentary about China. Now, I don’t know if it’s me, but they always seem so depressed. Have you noticed, when they have the interpreter, it’s kinda like, what you hear is… “I live in a village of 90 million people.” “We all work in the same factory.” “All we make are buttons. That’s all we make.” “Oprah Winfrey says, ‘God has a plan for everybody.'” “My dream as a child was to play the cello.” “But the People’s Republic of China said, ‘Dreams are for sleeping.'” “Five kilometers south is the village of Xinhua.” “It’s a village of 490 million people.” “All they make are shoestrings. That’s all they make.” “This bit’s going over better than I thought it would.” “I live on the 620th floor of an apartment building.” “If the elevators break, it can take two months to get out of the building.” “Sometimes, I camp out on the 300th floor.” “I now have a girlfriend.” “She works in a toothbrush factory.” “All they make are toothbrushes. That’s all they make.” “She lost her hands in a toothbrush-related accident.” “I told her what Oprah said, and she said she wanted to flip Oprah off, but she didn’t have the fingers to do it.” “I haven’t lost my sense of humor.” “My favorite comedian is the American Donald Trump.” I come from a pretty modest background. We were five kids in our family, 1,200 square feet, one bathroom… We were the kind of family where the syrup bottle always had ants on it. No one ever knew where the hammer was. “Where’s the hammer? Anyone know where the hammer is? Has anyone seen the hammer?” My… This is an imperfect impression of my dad, last time I talked politics with him. Okay? “Oh, I can’t talk politics with you, because you don’t know shit.” He’s one of those dads you could never show weakness. “I can’t find my car keys.” “I always know where my car keys are. I keep ’em in my pocket, you little shit!” “I’m cold.” “I’m never cold, ’cause I dress in layers!” I don’t know about old guys. When they turn 70, they just start wearing bright pastel colors. They look like the Joker. He came out in a pink shirt and yellow pants. “You’re wearing yellow pants.” “They’re canary!” These old men and their cars, man. They have so much ego about gas mileage. He goes, “I get 25 miles to the gallon in my Buick.” I go, “I get 28 in my Pilot.” “Oh, bullshit!” I showed him a computer when he was 75. He goes, “Oh, computer is a waste of time. Stupid. If you get a computer, you’re just on the computer all day, God damn it.” Were there people like that throughout history? Like, “The printing press. Who needs it? Jesus Christ!” In the Stone Age, “The wheel! What’s the wheel for? If the pharaoh needs a ride, we’ll just carry him on his throne, you big dummies!” I was able to help him out and give him extra money. I’m happy to do that. But when he got older, he forgot my name. And so, he just called me Money. He’d go to my siblings, “Have you seen Money?” They’d go, “Dana?” “Who the hell is Dana? We need some money! From Money!” Five kids. Wild, crazy family. My brother, Brad, who I based Garth on, was one of my older brothers. And Garth is completely Brad. And the thing about Brad was, he was a science kid. So, this is a true story again. I found a dead frog. I was, like, nine years old. And I thought it was dead. I brought it to Brad. He attaches it to two D-cell batteries, right? And I’m looking at the frog. And I go, “Brad… the eye. His eye is opening.” And Brad said, quote, just like this, no exaggeration, “Yeah. I brought him back to life. He’ll never die again.” When I did the movie, I got severe TMJ. And I went to the dentist, and she goes, “You’ve got TMJ.” And I go, “Yeah, it hurts here.” And she goes, “What have you been doing?” And I say, “Well, I’ve been making this face all summer long.” She says, “You’ve got to stop doing that.” I said, “Not for what they’re paying me, bitch!” In my childhood, I was a dishwasher. I was a busboy. We called ourselves Table Maintenance Personnel Managers. And I was a waiter. And what was cool was I waited on my heroes. I waited on George Carlin and Richard Pryor. Isn’t that weird? I waited… I brought George Carlin a bowl of oatmeal. And I put it in front of him, and he goes, “Oatmeal. Drop the ‘O,’ and you have ‘atmeal.'” Wow. That’s just… And then, I gave Richard Pryor a Denver omelet. And afterwards, I’ll never forget it, he goes, “Whoever made this omelet can suck my dick!” And I never knew if that was a positive or a negative. I always wondered. I end up in a movie with Richard Pryor, 12 years later, called Moving. Honor. I’m there with Richard, and I had to know. So, I took a bite of a cheeseburger, and I said, “Man, this is delicious. Whoever made this cheeseburger can suck my dick.” And he goes, “Man, you must love that cheeseburger!” I’ll tell you, when I was raising the kids, I did a lot of stand-up. This is a true story about Microsoft. They asked me to do the Church Lady with Microsoft. And… with the dress. I said, “I don’t sell out that character. I don’t do that.” They told me what they were gonna pay me. I said, “I’ll get the bitch’s dress on right now.” And I’m in this giant arena, with Bill Gates, in the dress. Ten thousand Microsoft nerds, and they revere Bill Gates. He’s next to me. He’s got the thing… “Okay. Here we go…” And they’re leaning in, intense. The nerds are like, “Come on, get him, Bill. They’re gonna do a funny skit.” And I just start to ad-lib. I go… “Well, well, well, Mr. Bill Gates. We like ourselves, don’t we? Apparently, we made a deal with the devil. The devil said we can have $50 billion, but we have to go through life looking like a turtle.” The air got sucked out of the room. That was not a good move. Bill Gates decides to ad-lib. “I’m not a turtle!” And I just think I’m on a roll. “Well, well, well, there we go. We like ourselves. We make a lot of money and feel a little superior.” And it’s just getting quieter and quieter. I just couldn’t read the room. I’m into the character. “We made Windows, didn’t we? So we can creep up to the window at night and look at the fornicators.” So, it’s getting weirdly dark in there. I go, “Let’s do a superior dance.” In the middle of the skit, he goes, “No, thank you. Goodbye.” I walk backstage. It’s a disaster. It’s like Lord of the Rings intensity back there. I’m surrounded by Microsoft nerds, and they’re like, “Oh, my God. You made fun of the precious.” I raised the kids. I took a little bit of time off from show business. And I wanted to be there for ’em, you know, ’cause show business could just take your whole life and time. There was this famous New York actor who was gone so much, his kid was raised by a British nanny, that the kid developed a British accent. And I always wonder what that phone call would be, calling home… “Hey, this is Johnny Stompanato. Is Johnny Stompanato Jr. there?” “Hello, Daddy! So glad to hear your voice. It gives me goose pimples.” “Is your mother there?” “Mommy went to Barcelona with our gardener, Antonio.” “Who’s watching out for you?” “Edwina. She’s my nanny. She’s from jolly old London. We’re going to have a sudsy tub soon.” “Yeah. Okay. Is your little brother Danny there?” “Yes. Yes, Danny’s here, but he’s with his nanny.” “Danny’s got his own nanny? Who’s Danny’s nanny?” “Danny’s nanny is the actor Michael Caine.” “What the freak? Danny!” “Hello, Daddy. My name is Danny Stompanato Jr. So good to hear your voice, Father.” “Danny, how old are you?” “I’m four years old. Today, my nanny, Michael Caine, took me to the beach, and we made sand castles. And then the waves came, and they took the sand castles away.” “Yeah, waves will do shit like that to sand and whatnot.” “And then, we went to the park. And my nanny, Michael Caine, pushed me on the swing. And he pushed me higher and higher, and I went so high, I thought I was gonna go right over the bloody top!” “Yeah, I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I’ve been doing a lot of motion pictures.” “That’s okay, Daddy. But come home soon, so when I come off the playground, I see my father, and not Academy Award-winning actor Michael Caine.” “Hey, is your little brother Johnny there?” “Johnny’s with his nanny.” “Johnny’s got his own nanny? Who’s Johnny’s nanny?” “Liam Neeson.” “Johnny?” “Now you listen to me, Father. I have skills I’ve acquired, skills that make me a nightmare for an absentee parent such as yourself. If you come home now and bring me a stuffed animal, no harm will come to you.” “What kind of stuffed animal?” “I like hippopotamuses. Would you like to hear a joke, Father?” “Yeah, sure. What the fuck? What? What joke?” “Knock, knock.” “Who’s there?” “Father.” “Father who?” “Exactly. Now get on home, you motherfucker!” This is something I just like to do. I hope you find it amusing. I love the movie Scarface so much. And um… All right, this is my fantasy of Tony Montana, Al Pacino, having Thanksgiving dinner. Okay. Thanksgiving. “Pass the sweet potatoes. Pass the sweet potatoes! You know I like… You know I like the sweet potatoes. But I look around the table, I don’t see no sweet potatoes. I see a turkey. I see a green bean. But I don’t see no sweet potatoes. Where the sweet potato with the marshmallows toasted on top? I don’t see it. I know who took the sweet potato. I know who ate the sweet potato. It’s that fat bitch over there. Grandma!” “Oh, yeah! You don’t think I see you, man? I see you all the time. I look at you. I look at you. All the time, I watch you, man. You eat. You like to eat, huh? You like to eat? You like to eat? You gotta eat. You like to eat. All right. I’m at a party. They got a bowl of candy corn. They got a bowl of candy corn. I go to get a candy corn. There’s no goddamn candy corn. ‘Cause you ate all the candy corn. Okay? I look at you. I look at you, man. I see you. I see you eating. A carrot cake, all right? I look for a piece of carrot cake. ‘Cause there’s no candy corn. So, I go for a carrot cake. You ate all the goddamn carrot cake. I look at you, man. I look at you all the time, man. At Christmastime. You got a chocolate. You want to get a chocolate out of a box. You pick a chocolate up. You stick your thumb in the back. You get a coconut. You put it right back in the goddamn box. I go to get a chocolate, it’s like a goddamn war zone, man, with all the diggin’ in the back. ‘Cause you don’t check the guide. You got a Whitman’s Sampler. You got a Whitman’s Sampler. In the lid. In the lid. You got a guide. You got a guide. You got a guide. It tells you what a candy is. It tells you what a candy is. But you don’t check the guide. You don’t check the guide. You just… It’s corresponding. Okay? You want a Turtle? You want a chocolate with a nut, called a Turtle? Or a Almond Roca or whatever? You can see with the guide. It say on the lid. But you don’t check the guide. You never check the guide. And you eat all my goddamn candied yams, you son of a bitch!” That just… That’ll never go on the special. Thank you. So last year, which I found very interesting, being a huge Beatles fan, Paul McCartney. Paul McCartney made a song with Kanye West. Okay? And everyone said, “Hey, he’s got his new partner. He’s got his new John Lennon.” And I thought, “I don’t know.” Well, it’s not that heavy. But, for me, I wanted Paul to talk to John about it. So that was my flight of fancy. John, from Heaven, talking to Paul. “Hello, Paul. Paul, this is John. I heard you made a song with Kanye West.” “Yeah, John. I did. I did. I made a little song with Kanye West, you know? You know, I had a little keyboard. You know? And I sat down for a pluckety-doo, you know. And I was plonking away with him. And he started hummy-talky-singy, you know. And the next thing I know, we had a real toe-tapper.” “Well, what are his lyrics about? What does he write about?” “Well, he’s, you know… He’s a good guy, you know. It’s like, he writes things, sort of, like, about how great he is. He’s, like, what we used to call a chest-thumper, you know? He’s a chest-thumper, you know. Remember when you said we were as popular as Jesus? He thinks he is Jesus.” “Well, does he have a woman that inspires him, Paul?” “Oh, yeah. He…” “Oh, yeah. He’s got a terrific gal by the name of Kim Kardashian, you know.” “What does she do?” “Well, really, she’s a nice gal. What she does when she’s working is she takes pictures of her bottom.” “Pictures of her bottom?” “Yeah, that’s her job, you know. Her job. She takes pictures of her bottom.” “Well, does she do it with, a Polaroid camera?” “No, John. In the future, everybody’s got a baby television in their pocket. And it’s got a little camera on it. So when she’s at a hotel or somewhere, she may say, ‘It’s time to go working.’ So she sticks her fanny out, and she takes her baby television…” “What’s so special about her bottom?” “Well, John, it’s not a normal bottom. It’s a prominent bum. It’s a bottom 2.0. It’s like, God made a fanny and attached a person as an afterthought.” “So, that’s what she does?” “Yeah, the whole family does it. They’re all… They’re all taking pictures of their bottoms with their baby television. They all do it. One gentleman got so frustrated, he became a woman.” “Well, what does she do with the cameras? Does she put ’em in magazines?” “No, she posts the pictures.” “Oh, on a bulletin board?” “No… No, John. She posts them on a thing called Facebook.” “Well, what’s Facebook?” “Well, Facebook, John, is a place where you share your life with the world. Like, say you’re in a restaurant, and you have a particularly nice ham sandwich…” “You take out your baby television, and you take a picture. And you send it to all the other baby televisions all over the world. And people can look at your ham sandwich. And if they like it, they press a button on the little baby television. And if you get 100 likes, you’re floating on air for a day or two.” “Well, that’s… That’s amazing, Paul.” “Well, sometimes, you get haters and trolls.” “How can you hate a ham sandwich?” “You’d be surprised, John. You know, not enough lettuce, too much cheese. You know, the normal things.” “Do they remember us, Paul?” “Oh, they do, John. They really do remember us, you know. After the year 2000, we outsold everyone except Eminem.” “We got outsold by a candy?” “It’s a long story, John.” “Did we ever get ownership of our music back, Paul?” “Not exactly. No. Michael Jackson bought our music.” “Really?” “Yeah, you may have seen him up there.” “I haven’t seen him up here.” “Well, he’s changed a little bit, John.” “I did see a white woman trying to teach Liz Taylor the moonwalk the other day.” Thank you, guys. You’ve been awesome. Thank you.


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