Conan O’Brien: The Kennedy Center Mark Twain Prize for American Humor (2025)
[uplifting rock music playing]
[woman] Hey, Conan!
Hey. How are you?
[crowd clamoring]
[rock music continues]
[camera shutter clicking]
[music fading]
[audience cheering]
[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a new era of The Kennedy Center, a Kennedy Center that celebrates true American values. This vaunted stage will now showcase distinguished, elegant, and revered entertainment that we as a nation can be proud of.
[spotlight clicks on]
[crowd cheering]
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[male voice] Good evening, and welcome to The Kennedy Center.
[crowd cheering]
Thank you all for coming, and shame on you for being here! [laughter] That should cover it, yes? And now, ladies and gentlemen… [drumroll] …please welcome your 26th winner of the Mark Twain Prize winner, Conan O’Donnell!
[upbeat orchestral music plays]
[announcer] O’Brien.
O’Brien. Yes.
Hey!
[music continues]
[audience cheering]
Conan!
Thank you. Thank you very much! This is so crazy.
[upbeat orchestral music continues]
Oh yes! Oh yes! Thank you very much.
[music fades]
How would your co-workers describe you? I could say I’m fair, honest, and endlessly creative. You’re supposed to use one word or less.
[music sting]
You look like a ginger crash test dummy. I wish I had your confidence.
No, I’m just deluded.
[laughter]
[jazz music plays]
I’m fine. I guess I’m sort of the warm-up guy now. All right, freeze. You’re under arrest for public display of a bonah. You know, I fancy myself a bit of a filmmaker.
[cellphone rings]
Hello, job? Television job? You better be as good as Letterman.
I’ll give it a shot.
[audience laughs]
[announcer] Here’s your host, Conan O’Brien! Basic cable. Basic cable. [both exclaim] Do you see the bits? This never stops.
[man] Ginger, no!
[in high-pitched voice] ♪ In the year 2000 ♪
My next guest is– The Interrupter!
[audience laughs]
[upbeat jazz music plays]
[audience cheers]
Heehaw! You’re a bastard. Yes, I know. He goes into character when he doesn’t want to address reality sometimes. [in a funny voice] This is not true. [growling] You can’t be on pills and drive. Thank you. Please remain seated. We did it! Yeah! Welcome to Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend.
[orchestral music rises then stops]
Yeah! Grab me a 40. And when you’re getting him a “fotee,” could you get me a 40?
[audience laughs]
[upbeat jazz music plays]
[music fades]
[audience cheers]
I will make fun!
[upbeat orchestra music plays]
* * *
A stand-up comedian, an actor, and now a late-night host, he is a true single threat. Please welcome John Mulaney!
[audience cheering]
[music fades]
Good evening. My name is John Mulaney. It’s an honor to be here at The Kennedy Center, or as it will be known next week, “The Roy Cohn Pavilion for Big, Strong Men Who Love Cats.” Congratulations to my friend Conan O’Brien on receiving the 26th and final Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.
[crowd laughing, cheering]
When I heard Conan O’Brien was receiving the 2025 Mark Twain Prize, I was reminded of something that David Berkowitz, aka the Son of Sam, said when he was apprehended on a hot Yonkers night in 1977. “Hey, what took you guys so long?” Most speeches like this do a bunch of jokes, and they save the nice part for the end. I’m going to get it over with and do the nice part first. Conan O’Brien, you’re my hero. Because of you, I set about to be a comedy writer, who also somehow, despite all the data, gets to be on TV. And because of you, I am. You showed me how a bizarre Catholic man, who presents well but is deeply troubled on the inside… [audience laughs] …could navigate the entertainment industry. I have copied and stolen from you in every way possible. Conan, I sincerely thank you. I…
[audience cheers]
I was watching the night Late Night with Conan O’Brien premiered, September 13, 1993, and I liked you so much, so immediately, that little did I know that being your biggest fan for 32 years would be one of the most emotionally taxing experiences of my life. Being a Conan fan since the early days has been so stressful. There’s always a goddamn petition to sign… [laughter] …or some kind of protest to save him. It’s like being the fan of a rec center in a gentrified neighborhood that developers want to tear down. There’s no argument for it, but we’re like, “Don’t take it away from us!” Conan’s early days were rocky, and at one point, he was on a series of 13-week contracts, a fact I have known since I was 12 years old. No 12-year-old should walk around being like, “Oh my God, Conan’s up for renewal.” It’s not stress a child should feel. Now, you think, maybe, did you have any primer for this? I was a Cubs fan, so I knew how to root for people that lose constantly, but… [audience laughs] …with Conan, it was like being a Cubs fan, but you think the way they lost was so brilliant that they won, and you’re trying to convince the scoreboard. It was like being a Cubs fan if after each game, there was a serious discussion as to whether or not the Cubs should be allowed to be a team anymore.
[audience laughs]
But I was so happy to be on your team. I spent the next decade trying to follow in your footsteps. In July 2008, I was at dinner with my mom, and I got a call that I’d been hired to be a writer at Saturday Night Live. And I went back inside, and I told my mom, and the waiter overheard me, and he said, “Do you know that’s how Conan O’Brien started?” And I said, “I’ve known that half my life, you fucking moron.” I was headed to Conan’s old job, as his star continued to rise and rise. Then, 2010, Jesus Christ, once again, I gotta chain myself to the tree of Conan as the bulldozers closed in. But hey… enough about that time. Conan has been very clear that he has moved on with wisdom and grace. Meanwhile, all his radicalized acolytes were just left wandering around the country, jaded and paranoid that the people paying us are actually our enemies. It’s a mess. Conan was like, “Don’t be cynical,” and then collected a cool $50 million.
[audience laughing]
You are the richest underdog in this town. Yeah, I know. Conan, you accomplished something extraordinary. You’ve stayed on our screens, brilliant, always from the drop, but adapting and innovating and bobbing and weaving and figuring it out again and again. You did it. You won. I am reminded… [audience cheering, applauding] …of a quote that is often attributed to Mark Twain, though many claim it was first said by the Son of Sam. Historians still debate its origins, but either way, it’s apt for tonight. So again, unclear who said this, Mark Twain or the Son of Sam. “Dear Jimmy Breslin…” “This is the Son of Sam.” [audience laughing] “Don’t think that because you haven’t heard from me for a while that I went to sleep. No.” “Rather, I am still here, like a spirit roaming the night, thirsty, hungry, seldom stopping to rest, anxious to please Father Sam.” “I love my work, and now the void has been filled.” “Yours in murder, Mr. Monster… [audience laughing] …aka the Son of Sam.” [audience laughs] Thank you for letting me be here, and congratulations, Conan.
[cheering, applauding]
[upbeat music playing]
* * *
[announcer] This next guest can make anything funny, except his last seven movies. Please welcome Will Ferrell!
[cheering]
So, okay, uh… Look, I don’t even know how to get into this, um… Is Conan– Is he even here tonight? Do we know? [laughter] Is– No? Is he here? Any idea? Where? Where? Oh, okay. All right. All right.
Uh…
[audience laughing]
Look, my therapist told me to not make tonight about myself, which I would generally agree with. Uh, this is such a special night, but… But I’m sorry, I just have to address the elephant in the room, uh… So, for those of you who might not know this about me, I received the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor in 2011.
[audience cheering]
No, no, no. Thank you. Thank you. It was a much more competitive field back then.
[audience laughing]
And– But that’s neither here nor there. And I was lucky enough to have Conan O’Brien, the man sitting right over there, speak on my behalf, as I am doing now, and Conan gave some lovely remarks. After the show, Conan came up to me, and he said, “Congratulations,” I was so deserving, and that, you know, I was one of the funniest people he’d ever been around. But then Conan said something to me, and I remember it like it was yesterday. And he said, “Hey, just so you know, if they ever offer me the Mark Twain Prize, I will say no.” [audience laughs] “I will not accept it out of respect for you.” [audience laughs] I didn’t, no. [shouting] Yes, yes, you did! Yes, you did. Oh my gosh!
You totally said that!
[Conan laughs] Oh my God! Oh my God, you said that! Oh my God!
Really? Really?
I did not. Oh, this is so rich! [laughter] Oh my God! This is a total Conan move! Are you saying that I made this up? Is that what you’re saying? Look, I know this is your night, but you look like an idiot right now! You look out of your mind! I just knew this would happen. And I don’t have time for this! You know what I’m supposed to be doing right now? Do you have any idea? I’m supposed to be shutting down the Department of Education, okay? But now I’m dealing with this horseshit! Now, Jackie, my therapist, warned me that this might happen. [audience laughs] That you wouldn’t acknowledge the situation, and that… I needed to wrap my head around the fact that maybe, just maybe, you, Conan O’Brien, did indeed deserve this award. That you are in fact, my friend, one of the quickest, smartest, funniest minds I’ve ever come across.
Uh…
[audience cheering]
The truth is, you will never know how much confidence your generosity gave me as a performer. As I dragged many of your studio audiences through long, elaborate bits, with very little payoff, very much like this speech that I’ve subjected all of you to… No matter how crazy the idea was, you never said no. When you left The Tonight Show because The Jay Leno Show at 10 p.m. was just too damn popular… [audience laughing] It was a cultural moment, Jay Leno at 10 p.m. It was in the zeitgeist. Your last show, I watched you address the audience, asking us to never get cynical, to still fight for what we all believed in, whether it was in comedy or in life. And despite what you told me that night at the post-show party in 2011, I think you actually deserve this award. Congratulations.
[audience cheering, applauding]
Super smart people are great comedians, and he’s not threatened by someone being just as funny or, heaven forbid, funnier. That doesn’t always happen. It doesn’t happen a lot. But that’s why we’re all here.
* * *
[announcer] Please welcome the female Ricky Gervais, but with funnier jokes and smaller tits, Nikki Glaser!
[audience cheering]
[Nikki] Oh, good evening. It was the fall of 1998, my freshman year of high school, my dad had just gotten home from work, and he’s like, “You have to watch this show I recorded last night for you.” “I know you’re gonna love it.” So I, like, begrudgingly sit down. He pops in this VHS tape, and what I saw completely changed my life. It was a sex tape he and my mom had shot over the weekend, but once… [laughter] Once he located the right tape, and I stopped vomiting, he played me… He played me the fifth anniversary special of Late Night with Conan O’Brien, and my mind was blown more than my dad was on the first tape. I couldn’t believe it. I was like, “How has this been on for five years, and I’m just now finding out about it?” And my dad was like, “Because it was bad for the first three.” I was like, is this even a late show? I mean, I guess, because he’s a man in a suit, interviewing a prestigious actor. But then one commercial break later, and he was in a screaming match with a character called Coked-Up Werewolf. It was this juxtaposition of decorum and chaos that made Conan so special to me, and it just gave me hope that maybe someday I could be an adult and sound like an adult and be respected by adults and still act like a fucking idiot. But Conan isn’t just a mastermind of unbridled silliness. He also gave us permission to laugh at some of the most depraved, immoral comedy you have ever witnessed on TV. There’s this one bit he would do on Late Night where he would play random scenes from the TV series Walker, Texas Ranger. Yes. I’m about to play my favorite one ever, and, Conan, I think you know the one. And that one’s about to be played here at the prestigious Kennedy Center. Let her rip. And how you doing, little partner? Fine. And it’s Little Visitor now. “Adawa Yoli” is how you say it in Cherokee. Uh… Pardon my French, but I’ll be damned. [laughter] Walker told me I have AIDS.
[audience laughing, applauding]
[Nikki] That is trademark Conan. A good Catholic boy despondently staring into the fake night sky, disavowing any responsibility for a bit he not only approved of, but rehearsed. [audience laughs] A bit like that only works if the audience knows you’re a good person, and someone they can trust. And, Conan, you’re that guy. I remember when I first did your show, and I was a nobody comedian doing my first late night set, and after my set, you took the time to come backstage and hang out with me and my parents for like a half hour, giving us truly one of the greatest moments we’ve ever shared as a family. And we’ve been to Branson.
Uh…
[audience laughs] Conan, you prove that not only can you meet your heroes, but when you do, they’ll flirt with your mom. I tell you this every time I see you, but you’re the funniest person who’s ever lived. I’m sure of it. And whether it’s you playing old-timey baseball, or you relentlessly mocking the way Jordan Schlansky pronounces “Tango,” or the way you created a space for bizarre characters like Preparation H. Raymond, Minty the Candy Cane who fell on the ground, or– Or me! The Interrupter! [Nikki] Oh God. Oh no. How the hell did you– Slip past security? Oh, what did you do? Tell them you’re– Bill Burr’s aromatherapist? Oh, come on. This is The Kennedy Center. This place– Used to mean something. All right. All right. That’s enough. Tonight we’re celebrating– The work of that ginger freak. Hey! That ginger freak just hosted– The Oscars. All you’ve ever done is host– Intestinal parasites. Show Conan some respect. He’s a comedy legend. And you represent– The lowest point of his 40-year career.
[Conan laughs]
Well, I don’t think that’s true because– He does a podcast now. But… [audience laughs] I mean, that’s not really a low point because, I mean– Everyone has a podcast now. Wait, don’t tell me you have a podcast. Where I review men’s restrooms with Corey Feldman. [Nikki] Oh, good God. I mean, that sounds like it has– Zero listeners? I mean, especially considering that– It’s a different Corey Feldman. What? So, wait, it’s not even– Corey Feldman the actor? It’s Corey Feldman– The disgraced toll booth worker. I mean, that’s just the– Most pathetic thing you’ve ever heard? I mean, yeah, unless you tell us you’re– Wearing the cape Shirley Temple was buried in?
Oh my God!
[audience laughs] Will you please just– Give you this cape? No, I don’t want that cape. I want you to– Get the hell out of here? Yeah. Don’t you have a– Cabinet meeting to get to? [Nikki] Wait. No. Wait, so you’re the new– Secretary of Housing and Urban Development? Even though you– Never even lived in a house. [laughter] And you’re also a– Registered sex offender. Oh, which this administration actually considers– A massive plus. [Nikki] Okay. Okay. This has obviously– Gone on way too long? Yeah. But really, I mean, what better way to honor Conan than with–
A character nobody asked for.
[Nikki] Yeah. And a bit that wastes everyone’s time. Bingo! Thank you, The Interrupter!
[audience cheering]
Thank you, Conan. It is an honor to honor you. I love you.
I hope you let this in. Good night.
Thank you.
[upbeat orchestral music plays]
* * *
[announcer] The New York Times calls him one of the greatest living stand-up comics. The Proud Boys call him wasted potential. Here is Bill Burr! All right. Thank you. Thank you very much. Nice to be here. Conan. Great to see you and everything. Nice to be here at The Kennedy Center. Uh, nothing says comedy like the free-flowing creative vibes of the District of Columbia.
[audience laughs]
[Bill] You know? I don’t know what it is. There’s something about, you know, starting and prolonging wars while crushing the working man for your own self-interest that really inspires all who gather on this fertile ground. [audience cheers] Yeah. I wouldn’t have missed this for the world. When they asked me to come out here, I knew I had to show up because I always felt a kinship for Conan, even before I met him, just as a fellow redhead. We are an unseen minority. Hiding in plain sight under the shade of a tree. [audience laughs] Watching all you pigmented people basking in the sun. But I had it easier than him because, you know, I was regular size. You know? But Conan… [chuckles] Conan couldn’t hide. Just a 6’6″ abrasion. Just walking onto the playground, looking for friends. You just look at him, you know the poor bastard never had a chance. And thus, another great comedy career was made. That’s why he’s here.
[audience cheering]
Yes. So, when I was growing up, I was a huge fan of stand-up comedy, and I’d watch all my favorite comedians go on the late night shows and do sets. If you were lucky enough, if you didn’t bomb, you got to possibly get called over to the couch and actually talk to the host. And I became fascinated. My little pasty brain would be watching a square TV, looking at these comedians, and there was something about being called to the couch, that it showed, you know, you belonged with all of these movie stars telling their long, meandering stories that went nowhere… [audience laughs] …torturing the host. It was the back and forth. You had to listen to the other person, you had to give space, and if the other person was going down, you jumped in to save them. And in my experience, in this business, no one was better than Conan O’Brien.
[audience cheers]
Yeah. So… here come the compliments, buddy. You’re not gonna like this, but you have to sit there and take it. All right? I don’t know. Every time I went on his show, I just felt so comfortable. He always seemed to know where I was going, and he perfected this art of acting like he didn’t know where I was going, and all he was doing was teeing me up for the next big laugh. I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed doing your shows over the years. I just love how his brain works. He’s so funny, he’s so fast, and whenever I’m with him, I always know it’s going to be all right, ’cause he’s going to set me up, jump in to save me and always make me look good, because he’s fucking awesome. So…
[audience cheering]
Believe it or not, I consider you my eight-foot older brother in this business.
[audience laughs]
The one who got to keep his hair. I’m so happy for you, and I can’t think of anyone more deserving of this award. I really can’t. All right? So, now I’ve said all the nice things. I’m now going to go back to being the walled-off German-Irish lunatic that I am. And, Conan, I think we both know neither one of us will speak of the nice things that I said about you this evening. I imagine at the after-party, it’s going to be an awkward handshake, followed by a poorly-executed side hug. And once we’ve taken care of that business, we’ll probably make fun of fat people eating too much cake, or a sunken cruise ship, whatever we need to do. Laugh at the misfortune of others, while we reset our friendship to the emotionally distant place that it exists all these years. Congratulations, you truly deserve this. Thank you so much. Good night.
[audience cheering]
When you’re first starting comedy, it’s really about the community. You’re hanging out with comedians all the time, and as you go off, you don’t really get to hang out with people as much anymore. And so I think the thrill in that room is you’re with people who can, like, riff with you. It feels really special because it’s Conan, because I can’t think of someone who’s more beloved than Conan O’Brien. I’ve been a fan of Conan’s since I first moved to America. I moved here for college on my own, no family, just this kid from Pakistan, alone at 18 in a strange land. I had no idea what America was gonna be like. I felt lonely and terrified. I turned on the TV in the lounge in my dorm in Iowa, and the first thing I saw on TV in America was a masturbating bear. And I remember thinking, “I think I’m gonna like it here.”
[audience laughs]
A lot of people will be talking about the masturbating bear, but nobody else has it as their literal introduction to America. It is a fitting introduction to America. To me, nothing represents America better than an unbelievably powerful predator pleasuring itself on television.
[audience cheers, applauds]
Today, Conan joins such luminaries as Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Bob Newhart, Adam Sandler, and Steve Martin, but the question is, does Conan deserve to be among these names? Does Conan deserve to receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor? This is the question we’ll tackle today during my Twain talk. All right. Okay, so let’s go through the categories that define comedic excellence and just see how the numbers stack up, okay? Category one, influence. Now, Conan was part of the writing staff of one of the most legendary and successful TV shows of all time, The Simpsons. People love to talk about Conan’s contributions to The Simpsons. In fact, his name gets brought up 93% of the time when people on the Internet talk about Simpsons writers. Let’s compare that to his actual contribution. Well, there are 781 episodes of The Simpsons. Conan wrote three. [audience laughs] You know what? Let’s zoom in, so we can see it a little bit more.
[audience laughs]
Let’s zoom in a little bit more. There we go. That is a whopping 0.38%. By comparison, Charles Manson wrote 0.41% of the songs released by The Beach Boys. [audience laughs] Charles Manson is a bigger part of The Beach Boys than Conan is of The Simpsons. By the way, the names of The Simpsons episodes Conan wrote are, “Marge vs. the Monorail…”
[audience cheering]
…and two other episodes. [laughter] To be fair, “Marge vs. The Monorail” tops lists of the best-ever episodes of The Simpsons, but at least Conan has not let that go to his head. Six-car monorail! What’d I say?
Monorail!
What’s it called?
Monorail!
That’s right, monorail! Let’s move on to the single most important thing in comedy, commitment. Now, comedy is about commitment, and nowhere is Conan’s commitment more obvious than when he is laughing at his guests. Between The Late Show, The Tonight Show, and Conan on TBS, Conan hosted a late-night show 4,381 times, and he laughed, on average, 193 times per episode. [audience laughing] Thanks to new AI technology, we can now determine that of those 193 laughs, around 2% were genuine.
[audience laughing]
Let’s see now. Let’s watch a clip where Conan is genuinely laughing… [laughing persistently] And compare that to a random sample of Conan fake-laughing on his late-night show. I will never do another episode of Silicon Valley. [laughing] That’s really nice of you. [audience laughing] That’s the best clip the producers could find. Thanks so much, guys. Our last category is reputation. I could go on and on about what his colleagues and peers think of Conan, how much they admire his comedy and his work, how inspiring he has been to generations of comedians, but instead of that, I’m just going to talk to you about what you mean to me. Conan, you are my hero. You will genuinely never understand how important you are to me. Truly, truly, genuinely. I’ve tried to tell you this many times, and you changed the subject. I’m a comedian because of you. I really am. So after this, you’ll be FaceTiming my parents to apologize to them. [audience laughing] [cheering] I cannot think of anyone who deserves the Mark Twain Prize more than you. Thank you for having me. It has meant the absolute world to me. Thank you.
[audience cheering]
[upbeat orchestral music plays] Most people do not know this about Conan, but a few years ago, he had a large growth removed, and he’s here tonight. Please welcome the beloved Andy Richter!
[audience cheering]
Hello!
[Andy] Thank you very much. Hi there. Hi, everybody. Boy, you can’t tell who the O’Briens are, can you?
[audience laughing]
They made one mold and said that’ll be good for the whole run of them. Of all my marriages, the one that I had with Conan has lasted the longest. We first met in 1993, and when I was hired as a writer for Late Night, little did I know that it would turn into one million years as Conan’s sidekick. It was the beginning of my beginning, and I will always be grateful to Conan for inviting me into the process of making our funny, funny show. Uh, it’s a profoundly generous thing for a performer to let another performer sit next to them for years and share in the attention. When I think back to how our scrappy little show started, the way we got torn to shreds by critics in the early seasons, never knowing how long it would last, it’s gratifying to realize how far we’ve made it. I mean, you’re receiving the Mark Twain Prize, and I have one of the top five podcasts on the Team Coco network.
[audience laughing]
No, no, please. Please, please. Thanks. Um, I am so proud to call you my friend and so happy to be here to see you accept this much-deserved award. Your commitment to putting the funniest, most intelligent stupidity out there has been there ever since the old days of Late Night, which is why I wanted to throw back to one of our old classic bits from the old show, because there’s a certain someone here who’d like to speak with you. Please welcome former President Bill Clinton.
[audience cheering]
[mimicking President Clinton] Yee! Hi! Thanks, Andy! What’s up? Cone Zone! Whoa! Ah-ah! You know, Conan, I miss your show. I really do. Mostly because now there’s one less place for me to see Teri Hatcher. Awoo! [mimicking Schwarzenegger] Ah! Yes. I am also the one who is here. This is the first time they’ve given the award to someone who can’t even pick it up. Because you’re skinny and weakling, Conan. You got no muscle. Hasta la vista, Conan. It’s beloved film actor James Mason. Funny enough, dear heart, I’m down here in hell with the devil. He’s just pleased as punch… What’s happening? …that you’re receiving this award. He says you’ve got pluck, moxie, and several other things that I don’t feel comfortable repeating. Because we just don’t say those sorts of things about the Irish anymore. I couldn’t be on your show when I was alive. But now with recent developments in AI, we’re able to imagine what that might have looked like. In fact, we’ve got a clip. [in Mason’s voice] Take a look, my dear.
[audience cheering]
[tense music plays] Eric! Wait. [tense music intensifies] [screams] Eric, stop! [Eric screaming] [audience laughs] Hi, Conan. Oh! Sorry, it’s just getting harder and harder to surprise you with that dumb clip. I just want to say how happy I am that you are the recipient of this year’s Mark Twain Prize for comedy. I think you’re the best. I love you, man, and congratulations. Oh… And keep doing what you do. Hm? The world needs it now more than ever. Deal? See you at the movies.
[audience laughs]
[dramatic music resumes]
Eric! Wait. Eric, stop! [Eric screaming]
[orchestral music playing]
Oh my God, that’s right.
* * *
[announcer] You would not know this next guest is a Jew unless you read her name, saw her face, and heard her talk. Please welcome Sarah Silverman!
[audience cheering]
[music fades] Outrageous. Experimental. Singular. A revelation. [clicks tongue] These are just some of the words used to describe my appearances on Conan. [audience laughs] Too easy a joke? Were you ahead of it? Yeah, maybe. Maybe. But what better way to celebrate our friend Conan O’Brien than without effort?
[audience laughs]
[Conan laughing]
The bits on Conan are legendary. They’re unmatched. So silly. So willing to experiment. They wrote a bit where Conan interviews Hitler, who comes on because he’s embarrassed that he’s being compared to Donald Trump. And they cast me as Hitler. [audience laughing] [chuckles] Yeah. Oh yeah. And now, you know, despite being able to grow an organically narrow mustache, I am actually, uh, not an obvious choice for Hitler. I mean, I am an obvious choice for Hitler, but I… [audience laughing] Not an obvious choice to play Hitler, uh… But they chose me, and it’s this way of thinking that makes Conan great again.
Man.
[audience laughing] I just really miss the days when you were America’s only orange asshole. I…
[audience cheering]
Oh, pace yourselves. I have loved Conan from the start of his first talk show. You know, in some ways, Conan and I came up together. His first year on the air was my first and last and only year on Saturday Night Live. And even after I lost my first and only job in show business, Conan kept having me on, like, all the time. Conan, the amount of creative freedom you have given me, and all the comics who have gone on your show, it’s been such a gift, uh… You’ve always trusted me to be my authentic self. Oh, remember when I came on, and I took that sideways picture of your mouth with my iPhone, you know, and then I put it between my legs, and as soon as I did, the network pixelated it.
[audience laughing]
It was– Oh, yeah. It was– It was just a picture of your mouth. Like, that’s how much your mouth looks like a real vagina. [audience laughing] I mean… All those years of getting absolutely no vagina, and it was on your face the whole time, you know? It was like the end of The Wizard of Oz, or something. [audience laughing] Well, thankfully, tonight, we are on Netflix, so the world can finally see the stunning resemblance without any pixelation. Ladies and gentlemen, under your seats, you will find that very picture of Conan’s mouth. Now, if everyone can just go ahead and grab it. It really is under your seat, on the right. And… go ahead and put it right between your legs. If you could just kind of hold it. [audience laughing] What vagina do you have? It goes that way.
Look at this sea of gorgeous vaginas.
[audience cheering]
Absolutely stunning. Oh, Conan, your discomfort is my absolute joy, I have to say it. Tonight, your mouth speaks for everyone. As glorious, gender non-specific beef curtains of peace, here at The Kennedy Center. Thank you for giving so many so much joy over the years, and for giving every single person in this room beautiful ginger vulvas. [audience laughing] Your mouth may be a lipless vagina, but your comedy has real teeth. I love you, brother. Oh! Sorry, one more thing. Just, if you can… You can go ahead and leave those photos on your seat when you go. The guy who took over loves grabbing pussy. Good night!
[audience cheering]
[lighthearted classical music playing] My name is Henfield Horgan. I’m the Dean of Students at Harvard University. [interviewer] Who is Conan O’Brien? Conan O’Brien, well, I’m told he was a student here, the youngest editor of the Harvard Lampoon. And, honestly, I mean this with no hyperbole, he attended Harvard University. [crowing] At Harvard, we aim to create titans of industry, finance, and government, you know, Henry Kissinger, people who made a tremendous and tangible difference in the world.
Mmm.
What do you think? Creamy. [audience laughing] And, as a Harvard man, I assume that Conan upheld our standards. [laughter] Penis. Ask him if he can tell that I work out. [speaks in Korean] Oh yeah. [audience laughing] At Harvard, we expect our student body to have an air of dignity, respect, and effortless superiority. [majestic classical music playing] [music peaks, stops] Why not dig a trench? Then the ball would be as low as you seem to wish it to be. We expect our graduates to have a reverence for well-respected citizens of the upper class. You’re teaching people to be insane. You broke this boy. You broke his brain. Did you know that NBC has a Turkish spa?
[lighthearted classical music plays]
Oh, right here.
Yeah, isn’t that great?
That is great. That would be nice. Yeah. Well, the only catch is you have to be completely naked. Well, that’s no problem. I mean, I’ll check it out. I think you’re gonna like it. Give me the robe. Just give me the robe. Get in there. [audience laughs]
We’ll be–
[audience laughs] [Henfield] Here at Harvard, we hold the cultures of the world in high esteem. I look like a Janet Jackson backup dancer.
I’m here to buy your country.
Yeah. When I’m walking around, I like to yell out random Italian things.
Right.
You know? [speaks Italian] [speaks Japanese] You keep thinking it’s offensive.
People just think that I’m Italian.
I– I…
Ragù in a can.
Buongiorno. Harvard has generated eight U.S. presidents, 188 Nobel Laureates, and 48 Pulitzer Prize winners. [audience laughing] Let’s do this thing right now.
[audience cheering]
[metallic clanking] What’s the name of the award again? [interviewer] The Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. Ah! Mark Twain, the riverboat captain.
Uh…
[audience laughs] Congratulations from all of us at the school. You’ve made us proud. You guys can write whatever you want, and I’ll sign it. That’s fine.
[music peaks, ends]
[audience cheers]
[upbeat orchestral music playing]
* * *
[announcer] Our next speaker didn’t get the Mark Twain Prize before the 2024 election, and now he never will. Please welcome Stephen Colbert!
[music fades]
[audience cheers] Tonight, we gather to honor our friend Conan O’Brien. Of course, we all know Conan from his incredible career in late night, but in 2021, he walked away from his hilarious and, some would say, thought-provoking show. [audience laughing] Not many, but some. So far… So far, just me. Conan knew he had more worlds to conquer. He knew whatever came next had to be worthy of his talent, his legacy, his fierce intellect. So Conan went on Hot Ones. [audience laughing] If you have not seen Conan’s appearance on Hot Ones, just take out your phone right now and watch. I don’t mind. It’ll be funnier than anything we do up here tonight. I just wish that I somehow could recapture the courageous spirit that he displayed in that episode, but, I mean, what am I saying? That’s– That’s lightning in a bottle. Technically, the hot sauce was in the bottle. The lightning was shooting out of your ass, wasn’t it, Conan? There must be a way. [grandiose music plays] [man] Maybe I could help. Sean Evans of Hot Ones.
[audience cheering]
Sean, what are you doing here? Stephen, you invited me.
Oh, that’s right.
[laughter] And, Conan, you know, you walked onto the Hot Ones set as a self-proclaimed Irishman who’s never seen spice, and then, through your wing-by-wing dissension into madness, taught me, and the millions who watched, what show business really is. So tonight, we raise our milk glasses to you. Ladies and gentlemen, Stephen is going to attempt to continue his remarks while answering my questions and eating increasingly spicy chicken wings. Let’s bring it on!
[audience cheering]
[Stephen] Oh yeah.
[audience cheering]
[clears throat] I’ll start by saying, in light of the new leadership at The Kennedy Center, all of these are right wings. [laughter] And a couple of them are truly insane. [audience laughing]
That’s right.
Sean. We have five wings here, each hotter than the last. Okay, for context for the audience, how hot is Tabasco, Sean? About 1,000 Scoville units. What is the measurement on this first one here? More than 18 times that.
Okay. That seems like a lot, Sean.
All right.
Let’s dive right in.
Okay. Mmm. Mmm. Mm. So… [audience laughs] …how did you first meet Conan? Well, I met Conan when I was a member of The Second City in Chicago. I was…
[audience cheering]
It was right before Conan took over for Letterman, and he was looking for writers. So Robert Smigel, Robert Smigel said he was going to bring Conan to see me in the show at Second City, and I was so excited. And– This is the first wing.
All right.
[audience laughing] That’s not great. Okay, anyway… I was super psyched, and I really dug down deep, and I gave the performance of a lifetime, because I knew I had to, because Conan O’Brien was out there.
So, what did he think?
I don’t know. He wasn’t out there.
[audience laughing]
He never showed up. He had a thing.
Next wing. Come on. Ticktock.
All right, moving on. This is Los Calientes Rojo with a Scoville rating of 49,000. Okay. Whoopedeedoo!
[audience laughing]
So, was it then that you gave up on working on Conan’s show? No, I did not give up. At one point, I even flew to New York and sat outside of his office door in 30 Rock, hoping to catch his eye as he came out of a meeting. He never came out.
[audience laughing]
Now, I know that sounds sad, but I want everyone to know it also looks sad. [audience laughing] And then you gave up? No. I submitted multiple writer’s packets. I never heard back. But you know what? That’s all in the past, Sean. I’m not a man who holds grudges. So tonight, I just want to say, Conan, what did you think of my packet? [audience laughing] Did you ever read it? Did you ever–? Because I brought it. Do you have anything that reads floppies? I have it. I’m not joking. [sighs heavily and chuckles]
[audience laughs]
[coughs] This was a bad idea. Are you okay, Stephen?
No, it’s just really beginning to hit me.
The wings?
No, that we’re at The Kennedy Center.
Okay. [grunting, coughing] If you can gather yourself, let’s move on to the next wing.
Come on, let’s go.
All right. This one right here, 131,000 Scoville units. Yeah, okay, here we go. Mm. Mmm. All right. Mm. Mmm. So, Stephen, it seems like Conan’s opinion still means a lot to you. Of course it does. It’s Conan fucking O’Brien. I’ll have you know, he was the only two-time president of the Harvard Lampoon. Do you know what that means?
No, what does that mean?
I don’t know. But it’s on his Wikipedia page, so someone cares. Let’s keep going. Wing me, bitch. Let’s go. So, this is Da Bomb Beyond Insanity. It’s a turning point in the show, and a sauce you know all too well.
If you’re ready. Let’s go, Stephen.
Okay. Let’s go. Okay. Mm. Mm. Mm-hmm. Mmm. Amazing.
No.
[laughs] [audience laughing] What do you admire about Conan? Well, what’s not to admire?
Oh, this one really sucks.
Yeah. [audience laughing] [Stephen grunting] [audience laughing, cheering] Whoo! [grunts] Everything… [clears throat] …not only is Conan a brilliant comedian, he gives everything he’s got to every bit he ever does. You know that extra gear that sometimes, a couple times in your life, you have to dig down and find? That’s Conan’s only gear. When Conan commits to something, he never backs down. Case in point, when he accepted the Mark Twain Prize, this was a very different place. [audience laughing] Today, they announced two board members, Bashar al-Assad and Skeletor, but this man…
[audience laughing]
[cheering]
[Stephen grunting] All for you, Conan. Okay, Stephen.
[audience laughing]
We’ve made it to the final wing.
God, make it end, Sean! Make it end!
This is the last dab. This is a Scoville rating of 2,693,000 units. You’re just making shit up now.
[audience laughing]
[grunts]
Final question, let’s go.
All right, so, this is a big question. Who is Conan O’Brien? Conan O’Brien is pound for pound the funniest person on Earth to spend time with. When he’s on a roll, nothing better. When he’s not on a roll, he will not stop until he finds a roll. Conan will never leave a room until he gets a big, real, genuine laugh, which makes him amazing at parties and not so great at funerals. [audience laughing] Speaking of funerals, I’m pretty sure mine is imminent. Sean, thank you so much for doing this. Conan, I admire you, I learn from you, and I love you almost as much as I hate Sean right now. To Conan O’Brien.
[cheering]
You’re my hero. [grunts]
[upbeat orchestral music plays]
* * *
[announcer] Your next presenter is so successful that he pays for all his abortions in cash. Please welcome Tracy Morgan!
Oh yes!
[audience cheering]
Good evening, Kennedy Center. Tonight, we honor a dude that has been an incredible friend to me. He and I have led remarkably similar lives. He worked on SNL for years, I worked on SNL for years. He had a show on NBC for years, I had a show on NBC for years. He graduated Valedictorian from Harvard, I had a show on NBC for years. Conan interviewed me over 50 times on his show, and every single time was incredible. His show was always much fun. Conan and I bonded immediately ’cause we both grew up dreaming about being on television. I used to stay inside and watch television because I lived in the projects in the Bronx, and I didn’t want to get shot. [audience laughing] Conan, on the other hand, would stay inside and watch TV because he wasn’t allowed to go out in the sun. I’m not exaggerating. I truly, truly love Conan. You mean much to me, man. All he and I want to do is make people laugh. That’s what bonds us. It doesn’t matter what color we are, Black, brown, white, or whatever color he is.
I don’t know.
[audience laughing] I have a daughter, and for one of her birthdays, I got her Crayola crayons, 150-pack, and Conan’s color is not in there. It doesn’t exist in nature. [audience laughing] Conan, I appreciate all the comedy magic we’ve made over the years. You’re an absolute giant in the world of comedy, and I consider you my brother. And after a lifetime of making us laugh, whether it was on SNL or The Simpsons, you, of all people, deserve to finally receive tonight’s J.D. Power and Associates Award for Best Mid-Size Sedan. [audience laughing, cheering] I love you, C-Boogie. [cheering] Conan to comedy is like rock and roll. You want to be a part of that rock and roll. I’ve never seen him do anything hacky. When he hosted the Oscars, the opening monologue was brilliant, and it’s a really thankless job, and it takes a lot of guts to do that job. I thought he did such a great job. [man] I’m going to pitch Dave & Buster’s next door. Conan feeds his meter. That’s you two, just as– Hey! [jazz music plays] [laughter] All right, let’s go over the Oscar team.
I asked you to memorize all the notes.
[man] Of course. The writers’ room is this very weird, surreal place where somehow people get paid to say and write funny things that eventually might sell Volkswagen ads. [woman] I laugh my ass off every day. It’s just chaos. [in a funny voice] I love it when you guys write material because I feast like a king! [laughter] No idea is going to get by Conan that isn’t exceptional. There’s so many ways this can go that we should just generate a bunch of possibilities. And then see which one we like the most. The only way to solve it is get the one where we all go, “That’s funny.” Instead of doing stand-up, he found himself in these writers’ rooms, and he would just kind of take over and perform for them. Dana Carvey said something on one of the last episodes of the TBS show, which is, “You went from the funniest man in the writers’ room to the funniest man in America.”
Jesus, what a fucking ass!
I know!
He is, right?
Oh my God!
Fucking insulting.
The most toxic!
So condescending.
Unbelievable!
[writer] Did you guys see when he was like so racist?
Yes!
Yeah!
[orchestral music playing]
* * *
[announcer] Please welcome an outstanding actor who for eight years portrayed a man who thought carpool karaoke was funny, Mr. Reggie Watts!
[funky tune plays]
[vocalizing] ♪ Where you goin’? ♪
♪ Got so much goin’ on in your mind ♪
♪ Bringin’ joy every single time, yeah ♪
♪ You’re crazy like a cat in an alley ♪
♪ Been startled by somethin’ It’s not expectin’, yeah ♪
♪ There’s nobody plottin’ things ♪
♪ So you’re fine ♪
[imitates record scratch]
♪ Somebody’s gettin’ you down ♪
♪ You just don’t know what Don’t know why ♪
♪ Baby, Conan, Conan, yeah, Conan ♪
♪ You’re such a beautiful man Yeah, Conan ♪
♪ You’re such a beautiful human ♪
♪ Conan, you’re such a beautiful man ♪
♪ Yeah, Conan ♪
♪ You’re such a beautiful human ♪
♪ Conan ♪
♪ You’re such a beautiful man, Conan ♪
♪ Conan, human, yeah It’s you, man ♪
♪ Yeah, you, man ♪
♪ Look what you are Look at all these people that love you ♪
[song stops]
So, um, one of the…
[audience cheers]
Thank you. Thank you very much. Um, Conan chose me to be his opening act on his one and only, who knows, maybe there’ll be another one, uh, live tour. Uh, he stays grounded, was always joking with everybody, took the time to hang out with me inside my room, and I was like, “Wow, this guy knows how to do it.” “He knows how to live life, and stay grounded, connected to his fans.” Uh, thank you for taking the time to trust me and have good instincts, and… [voice shakes] …for really just kind of like showing me, being crazy and being who you are, and being grounded, and not letting that affect you your entire career. That’s incredibly important, and that’s a good lesson for all artists. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much, Conan. Thank you. Thanks, everybody. Thanks, Kennedy Center. Stay Kennedy.
[audience cheering]
[upbeat orchestral music playing]
* * *
[announcer] Our next presenter has made over $3 billion at the box office and spent it all on his wardrobe at Foot Locker. Give it up for Adam Sandler! Yeah, Triumph!
[audience cheering]
Good evening. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Hello to all the Kennedys, Rockefellers, Vanderbilts, and finely-dressed seat fillers. My name is Adam Sandler, and here is your cue to go nuts. Let’s fucking go. Come on now.
I appreciate that. Respect.
[audience cheering]
Respect. Thank you. I have one simple favor to ask of you quietly rich people tonight. When I point at you with my left hand, you say the word “Conan.” Let’s try it out right now.
[audience] Conan!
Another time. Conan! Now let the festivities begin. We are gathered here tonight in our nation’s capital to honor one man. Conan! When I received this prestigious Mark Twain prize two years ago, I figured they were done giving them out, but I guess not because of a dude named… Conan!
Funny as hell.
[audience] Conan!
Friend to the poor.
[audience] Conan!
Eight-foot four inches and counting.
[audience] Conan!
Puts on sunscreen before he lights a candle. Conan! Went to Harvard, but never brings it up except when arguing with his wife, Liza.
[audience] Conan!
Looks like if one of the Little Rascals grew up in Chernobyl.
[audience] Conan!
So Irish, his nipples are shaped like four-leaf clovers. Conan! So Irish, his skid marks taste remarkably like shamrock shakes.
[audience] Conan!
Bright red hair was the true cause of the Palisades fire. Stayed in his mama’s womb for a record-breaking tummy stretch at 14 ERs.
[audience] Conan!
Has pubic hair that makes his dick look like Ed Sheeran.
[audience] Conan!
Has pubic hair that makes his dick look like Pennywise.
[audience] Conan!
In the summer has so many freckles on his– In the summer, has so many freckles on his dick that it looks like Ron Howard is hugging Tom Sawyer.
Mark Twain reference.
[audience] Conan!
Has 12 Kids’ Choice Awards and 15 MTV Awards.
[audience] Conan!
Nope, that’s actually the Sandman.
[audience laughing]
In fact, if I point with my right hand from now on, let’s say “Sandman.” Let’s try that out quickly.
Sandman!
And…
[audience] Conan!
And…
[audience] Sandman!
And…
[audience] Sandman!
And…
Sandman! Okay, now let’s move forward. Takes his shirt off, and all the ladies swoon.
[audience] Sandman!
Takes his shirt off, and the skin comes with it. Conan! Famous…
[audience laugh]
…famous for wearing long, silky basketball shorts.
[audience] Sandman!
Famous for having long fuzzy balls hang out his tighty-whities.
[audience] Conan!
Gets mistaken for a young James Caan.
[audience] Sandman!
Gets mistaken for one of them giant blow-up thingies outside a car dealership. Conan! Incredible actor.
[audience] Sandman!
Incurable acne. Conan! Can walk in and get a table at any restaurant in the world.
[audience] Sandman!
Can walk in and get a table at Panda Express in the mall if he gets there a half hour early. And to be honest, on Fridays it’s still iffy.
[audience] Conan!
Has his handprints on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
[audience] Sandman!
Has his uncle’s handprints on his ass. Conan! Can grow a full beard in three hours flat.
[audience] Sandman!
Spent three months on a beard only for his kids to say, “Dad, did you just eat some Flamin’ Hot Cheetos?” Conan!
Values his privacy.
[audience] Sandman!
Phone number is 917-664-765…
[audience] Conan!
Call him whenever you want, the later the better. Comedic genius. Sandman! Comedic penis.
[audience] Conan!
Finally, is married to a gorgeous woman way out of his league. Sandman and Conan! Yes, that is the both of us. Love you, Liza. Love you, Jackie. Thank you for the charity work. But, seriously, Conan, this is the nice part. You’re one of the funniest guys, we all know that. I remember when Lorne, you know, was in charge of finding the next host. And right when they said Conan, I swear to God, every fucking guy, every comedian, there was no jealousy. We were like, “Fuck yeah, he’s the best, man.” You’re faster than all of us, you’re nicer than all of us, and I’m so happy this life was yours, buddy. It’s awesome. Uh… You bring out the best of us, Conie. I’m glad to know you, glad to know your great family. I love you all. And I’m glad the world loves you as much as I do. Long live… Conan!
[upbeat orchestral music playing]
* * *
Oh yes, our final guest, who’d be in Indiana right now, shoveling horse shit, but he chose to be here with Conan, please welcome the one, the only, David Letterman!
[audience cheering]
[upbeat orchestral music playing]
[music fades]
Thank you, everyone. Thank you. Uh, you have to learn something as you grow in life. And this evening, and forgive me, this is my takeaway, and maybe I’m late to this party, but the thing that I’ve learned now, there’s something surprising, uh, not unpleasant, and awkwardly appealing about a certain part of Conan’s face. I just learned that.
[audience laughing]
And then I heard freckles on his dick, so I had to come right out.
[audience laughing]
Uh, the Mark Twain Prize. Oh my God, let me just say one thing, and I’m not a historian, but I believe that history will show, this will have been the most entertaining gathering of the resistance ever.
[audience cheering]
I just want to say a couple of things. Yes, I could have been in Indiana, shoveling shit. Now is just about the time of year when you get most of your shit-shoveling done. But I said, no, I’d rather be here with Conan than shovel shit, and I stand by that, ladies and gentlemen. We’re here tonight to honor a writer, performer, and fierce climate denier, Conan O’Brien. I believe there is no one better suited for the Mark Twain Prize than Conan O’Brien, because like Mark Twain, Conan is first and foremost a writer. Also like Mark Twain, Conan once tricked me into painting his fence. People… [chuckles] Of everyone in the room tonight, I’m confident in saying this. I believe I’m the one who looks most like Mark Twain…
[audience laughing]
…looks now. Our honoree is not only a talk show host, he was a writer for SNL and The Simpsons, he’s hosted travel shows and the Academy Awards.
[audience cheering]
Conan, what is it like to be asked to host the Academy Awards a second time?
[audience laughing]
You know, when Conan was chosen to be the host of Late Night, everyone was asking, “Well, who is this guy?” “How did he get this show? Why is he so pale? Is he sickly?” [laughter] “Is he getting enough vitamin C?” “Is he an abnormally tall child, or a normal-sized man that looks like a child?” “Is he anemic?”
[audience laughing]
Well, with previews like that, I, of course, had to tune into the show, and when I watched Conan on the Late Night program, what I saw was a very funny show. Uh, they took great risks. The comedy was peculiar in the best way. It was silly, absurd, and smart. All of which, not an easy combination. In those days, there was nothing like it on television. Here now is the moment I knew firsthand that Conan was a great choice to be the host of Late Night. I want to ask you something. This is a question that people wouldn’t expect, but when I first got this job, I came here to 30 Rock. How did you get this job, by the way? [audience laughing] Was it a theme-writing contest?
Yes. Yes.
Yeah. It was a what-would-I-do-with-a-talk-show, and I was fourth. Uh…
[audience laughing]
That’s right. “I was fourth.” That’s when I knew the kid was the real deal. Conan is now no longer, in his own words, the guy who shouldn’t be here. He is the guy we are honoring tonight with the Mark Twain Prize. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome The Interrupter, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, the FedEx Pope, the masturbating bear, and Jordan Schlansky.
[audience cheering]
* * *
Now, it is a true honor to present the 26th Mark Twain Prize for American Humor to our good friend, Conan O’Brien. Conan.
[upbeat orchestral entrance music playing]
[audience cheering]
[inaudible] [music continues] [music stops]
[audience cheering]
[Conan] Thank you. Thank you very much. Please. Um… To be…
[woman] I love you, Conan!
I love you too, sir. Uh… [audience laughing] To be handed this award by David Letterman is, uh, to be honest, very hard for me to comprehend. And I need to put this in context, so you will understand. The year is 1987, and I’m living in Los Angeles. I’m only two years out of college, and I’m unemployed. My partner Greg and I had just lost our first job writing for television, and I am sitting alone in a Du-par’s diner on Wilshire Boulevard, eating pancakes very slowly at one in the afternoon to try and fill out the entire day. My burning ambition… [clears throat] …I believe my destiny, is to write for Dave’s Late Night show. And I have just heard from their head writer that the only open slot has already been filled, and there will be no job. Feels like a steel door had come down. I had no idea what is gonna become of me. Now imagine that suddenly some angel from the future appears and tells me that 40 years from now I’m gonna be on stage at The Kennedy Center in Washington, and that the most prestigious award in comedy is gonna be handed to me by David Letterman.
[audience cheering]
I…
[audience cheering]
I would have stared at that angel in utter shock and said, “Wait a minute.” “David Letterman is still alive?” [laughter] “Forty years from now?” [audience laughing] “He’s 20 years older than me!” “God, how does he look?” [audience laughing] The angel would say, “He’s got a beard.” I’d say, “Is it trim and fashionable?” Angel would say, “No! It’s really white and crazy long.” “Imagine if Dostoevsky was panhandling for gold in the Yukon.” [audience laughing] What are you doing, man? So you have to understand that what just transpired for me was an Oppenheimer at Los Alamos moment. And before I go any further, I have to give thanks first to my parents who missed witnessing this by three months. They would have absolutely loved this. Uh, to my beautiful and talented wife, Liza. And– Yes.
[audience cheering]
And to my patient and perpetually unimpressed children, Neve and Beckett, who are so much smarter than me.
[audience cheering]
They honestly don’t get it, and they’re not wrong. [audience laughing] I wanna thank this band, Max Weinberg and The Max Weinberg 7.
[audience cheering]
I wanna thank all the insanely generous and talented speakers who flew to D.C. on my behalf for this evening. I will never recover from this. It is what my people call a mitzvah and I… My people borrow stuff we like, uh… And a special thanks to all the beautiful people who have worked here at The Kennedy Center for years, and who are worried about what the future might bring. My eternal thanks for their selfless devotion to the arts. And I think we should all…
[audience cheering]
That was plenty, uh… There are so many, many people to thank, and this is always where these speeches go south, because you have to thank all these people. You have to. It’s the rule. But then it takes forever. So I had an idea to thank everyone as quickly as possible. Please welcome professional livestock auctioneer Robert Strickler. Let’s get him out here.
[audience cheering]
[fast-paced] Thank you, Neil, Luke, Kate, and Jane O’Brien. They were here from the beginning. Monty for the Reardons, Lorne Michaels, Mike Sweeney, Jeff Ross, Robert Smigel, Greg Daniels, Sona Movsesian. At my lowest, they lifted me up. Amy Lippman, Rodman Flender, Rick Ludwin, Rick Rosen, Gavin Polone, Ari Emanuel, Lee Brecken. They believed in me when I didn’t. Sarah Wicks, Paula Davis, Steve Coogan, Lisa Kudrow, Aaron, and Judy Daniels, Jonathan Groff, Bob Odenkirk didn’t help, but is recognizable. Matt O’Brien, David Hopping, Adam Sachs, Nina Rosenstein, Erica Brown, Jason Klamm, Andy Richter was my rock, by my side. Mike Reese, Al Jean, Jeff Martin, Sam Simon, Matt Groening, James Brooks, Pat Lee, Don Moffitt, Bob and Ginny, Monty Python, Warner Bros. cartoons, Pink Panther movies. Words can’t express how much you mean, I’ll owe them all my eternal gratitude. And finally, two-year-old, 1,200-pound Guernsey heifer. She’s been with me from the beginning. 3,000, 3,500. I’m… [talks gibberish] Forty-five, 5,000. I’m… [talks gibberish] Six thousand, 6,500. I’m… [talks gibberish] …seventy-five. [talks gibberish] Sold it. In the back there, 7,500.
[audience cheering]
I think accepting an award named after Mark Twain, uh, is a responsibility. One cannot invoke Twain without understanding who he was and what he stood for. Now, don’t be distracted by the white suit and the cigar and the riverboat. Twain is alive, vibrant, and vitally relevant today. Yes, he is America’s greatest humorist, but his enduring power springs from his core principles, principles that shaped his comedy and made him one of our greatest Americans. First and foremost, Twain hated bullies. He populated his works with abusers, such as Huck Finn’s alcoholic father, Tom Driscoll in Pudd’nhead Wilson, and he made his readers passionately hate those characters. He punched up, not down, and he deeply, deeply empathized with the weak. Twain…
[audience cheering]
Twain! Twain was allergic to hypocrisy, and he loathed racism. Twain wrote, “There are many humorous things in the world, among them the white man’s notion that he is less savage than the other savages.” Twain empathized with the powerless in America, former slaves struggling in Reconstruction, immigrant Chinese laborers in California, and European Jews fleeing anti-Semitism. Twain’s remedy for ignorance about the world around us was to travel at a time when travel was very long and very difficult. Twain circled the globe, and he wrote, “Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.” Twain…
[audience cheering]
Twain was suspicious of populism, jingoism, imperialism, the money-obsessed mania of the Gilded Age, and any expression of mindless American might or self-importance. Above all, Twain was a patriot in the best sense of the word. He loved America, but knew it was deeply flawed. Twain wrote, “Patriotism is supporting your country all of the time and your government when it deserves it.” Now…
[audience cheering]
Some of you… Some of you might think, what does this have to do with comedy? It has everything to do with comedy. Everything. The comedy I have loved all my life, comedy that is self-critical, deflating, and dedicated to the proposition that we are all flawed, absurd, and wallowing in the mud together. Twain is funny and important today because his comedy is a hilarious celebration of our fears, our ineptitude, and the glorious mess of being human. When we celebrate Twain, truly see him for who he was, we acknowledge our commonality, and we move just a little closer together. So I accept this award in the spirit of humility, stupidity, inanity, irrelevance, fear, self-doubt, and profound, unceasing silliness. I thank you. It’s the honor of a lifetime. Thank you so much.
[audience cheering]
And… You know… Thank you. I’m going to… Always get out on a standing ovation, but not this time. I said it once. I said Twain’s alive and well, and I mean it. Mark Twain, I love you. [in period accent] And I love you, Conan O’Brien. My God, it’s Mark Twain! Well, sour belly on a biscuit, you bet it’s Mark Twain. Been watching this Twain Prize Ceremony for 30 years from up in the tree. You’re the only recipient to really deserve this honor. You can’t mean that, Mr. Twain. Oh, you bet your bippy I mean it, Conan. And all the past winners are clowns. [laughter] Will Farrell is a buffoon. [audience laughing] If his eyes were any closer together, he’d be a damn cyclops. Adam Sandler can’t read. He can’t. Got halfway through a pop-up book and filled his pants like a two-year-old.
[audience laughing]
Kevin Hart shot a credit card commercial during his acceptance speech. Wait a minute. I am not going to stand here and listen to you insult these great comedians, Mr. Twain. Why? You wrote this sketch, Conan. I’m just reading it word for word. That’s not true. You wrote that too. [laughter] Look, I’m a cutting bait on your script, and I’m speaking from my own mind. My point is, comedy is about the weak and the absurd, and that describes you, Conan O’Brien. You’re a translucent man-child who has bumbled and stumbled through 30 years of meaningless spasmodic idiocy and somehow, against all odds, you have landed here like a soggy cork washing up on a lonely beach. [audience laughing] You know, that’s harsh medicine, Mr. Twain, but I guess that’s… I guess that’s what I’ve always admired about you. Well, times change, but people have to stay resolute, and I appreciate those words you said about me earlier. You got grit, son, and even though that’s a line you wrote for me to say… [audience laugh] I do so mean it. Well, coming from you, that means… that means the world to me. I… I really do love you, Mr. Twain. I love you too, Conan O’Brien. [nostalgic orchestral music playing]
[audience cheering]
[music continues]
[audience cheering]
All right, that’s it. No more. Stop, no good. No, we can’t. That’s not how we’re ending it. We can’t do it like that. You were very good, Forte, though. Ladies and gentlemen, this man can play guitar. Don’t we wanna see the man jam a little bit? Yeah!
[upbeat rock guitar playing]
[“Rockin’ in the Free World” by Neil Young playing]
♪ There’s colors on the street ♪
♪ Red, white and blue ♪
♪ People shufflin’ their feet ♪
♪ People sleepin’ in their shoes ♪
♪ But there’s a warnin’ sign on the road ahead ♪
♪ There’s a lot of people sayin’ we’d be better off dead ♪
♪ Don’t feel like Satan, but I am to them ♪
♪ So I try to forget it any way I can ♪
♪ Keep on rockin’ in the free world ♪
♪ Keep on rockin’ in the free world ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Here we go! It’s Conan O’Brien!
[electric guitar wailing solo]
[audience cheering]
Go! It’s you.
♪ Oh, oh yeah ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Keep on rockin’ in the free world ♪
♪ Oh yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Keep on rockin’ in the free world ♪
[music crescendos]
♪ Oh ♪
[music peaking]
[band crashes to finale]
[audience cheering]
[music ends]
Thank you all very much! Will Forte, thank you. Adam Sandler! Thank you, everybody!
