Comedy Central Presents: Tom Segura [S15e01] – Transcript

Tom Segura describes the worst thing about visiting Atlantic City and does his best to understand the reality show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Comedy Central Presents Tom Segura

Yes. I agree. I totally agree. Totally. It’s great to be here in New York, uh… yeah. Just relax. I was just in Atlantic City and– I don’t know if you’re familiar with Atlantic City but if you hate yourself and your family, and your friends… take them to Atlantic City. It’s basically like, if Las Vegas had diarrhea… but then when you went to wipe it, you didn’t use toilet paper… you just found like old cups and torn up shoes… and other things you find in the dumpster… and then you were to throw it down and then it grew lights.


That would be Atlantic City. Every guy’s like “Hey! you know, Tony [?] he said you might want to go over to the thing and you know…” and you’re like, “First of all, why don’t you put on a shirt?” Let’s start there. And then every girl either has blonde hair with black streaks or black hair with blond streaks. Which either way says, “I don’t have a gag reflex, yeah.”

But you know what? Atlanta City does have a lot of casinos. Yeah, oh boy, what a treat that is. I love casinos because casinos are one of the last venues where you can see the extremes of society in one place. Where else can you get that? Rehab, the zoo, casinos. Go to a casino, you can see a man on the casino floor, he’s in a suit, he’s drinking Scotch, he’s put a few thousand dollars down on an hand, and you are like, “Yeah dude, I can see why you are here. You know how to live.” And then right next to him you see another guy and he’s wearing jeans shorts and a sleeveless shirt and he’s got four open wounds on his face. And you are like, “Yeah, I can see why you are here too. You seem lucky”.

On my flight, on the way out here, I was flying and the pilot comes over the PA and it goes “Hey” — well, he doesn’t say “hey,” pilots don’t usually start their announcement saying “hey” — “hey, I’m up front [?]” he starts… I don’t know how he starts… he starts… he’s like, “I’m the pilot.” And we were all like “I totally believe you, yeah.” And then he goes “We made up some time in the air so we gonna be early, but then I just talked to the airport and it’s congested so we gonna be on a holding pattern and now we gonna be late.”

[Audience laughing]

And everybody is like, “What the hell did you tell us that, man? Keep that to yourself, you know.” But then you accept it — a mean I did — but the guy sitting next to me,  he did not accept it. He turns to me and he goes “Just land the plane.” And I go, “where?” [Audience laughing] “Like, the place that takes planes is full… do you want to land in a field right now?” And he gets like more aggressive, he’s just like, “JUST LAND THE PLANE!” And I was like, “Dude, you can’t. You can’t just be like, “Well, we are coming, so… move… here we come!” But that’s what’s so great about being a pilot, their knowledge is so specific, you can’t question them. You know, like, that pilot, I’m sure, was telling the truth. I’m sure that the airport was probably full. But he could have been trying to get a blowjob from a flight attendant and been like, “Hey, why don’t you suck it,” and she’s like, “Well, we got to land the plane,” and he is like, “I just told them the airport is  full, they’re total idiots.” And that’s why I want to be a pilot now.

[Audience laughing]

One of the things I love about being in a big city is that you get to experience the full spectrum of gay. You know what I mean? Like, most places– you go to the Midwest or something, like “Hey, do you have any gay people here?” And they’ll be like, “You mean that guy that wears pink and likes fruit?” And you’re like, “No, there’s way more than that.” Like, just today, I saw business gay, artsy gay, dungeon gay and my all time favorite… gym rat gay. You’ve seen him: he’s a bizarre hybrid of skinny and muscular; he has the legs of a flamingo and the chest of a lumberjack. [Audience laughing] It’s like he’s grown muscles to fight his gayness. And at the half, the score is tied. “I like ballroom dancing and I can bench 365”. Whoa, which side’s gonna win? I’ll tell you: gay. Gay’s gonna win.

Speaking of gay, I did something gay the other day. Now, when I say gay, I don’t mean like, lame, like when people go “That movie was gay.” And you are like, “Why?” And they’re like “‘Because they’re only three  explosions… that was gay.” That’s not what I mean. I mean like, “That movie was gay.” Why?” “Because they’re all these naked guys and they kept having sex with other naked guys.” That kind of gay. So I go to the grocery store and I put all my items on the belt and I take the divider thing like, “Keep your stuff away from my stuff”, right? And…

[Audience laughing]

yeah, I don’t want our stuff touching… So, like, I’m waiting a while, so I’m frustrated, right? So when it’s my turn, I turn to the guy behind me and I’m like “What’s up bitch?, I’m next!” Like, I don’t say it but he knows what time it is, right? So… right before I turn away from him I notice out of the corner of my eye that this guy has this really, I mean, tremendously impressive bulge in his pants, right? Now, let’s get something out of the way: there are a lot of fake bulges out there, okay? A lot of European guys, especially Italian guys, they would were like, really tight underwear and then really tight jeans– but that’s like putting your dick in a headlock, that looks like a real ball, okay? The guy I was standing next to, he had a bulge over here. Like that. Yeah. So, naturally, I was like, “Oh my God.” [Audience laughingLike, this thing looked like it had its own feeding schedule and health care plan, okay. So, anyway, I’m staring lovingly at his gift, all right, and then I start to hear “33,62, 33,62.” Sir, your total is 33,62. And I’m like, “Oh no. I’m supposed to pay right now, but everybody sees me staring at this guy’s dick.”

[Audience laughing

So I had to come up with a game plan on how to get out of it. You know, how to make it look like I’m not doing exactly what I’m doing. So I decide I’ll just make it look like I’m lost in thought, you know. Because you can look anywhere and be thinking like, “Hee, hee.” So that’s my plan. So I just turn from him, I just quickly turn to the cashier and I go “Oh, I’m sorry, I just can’t remember if I was supposed to get orange juice.” And then she goes “Well, why don’t you ask his dick!”

[Audience laughing]

I was watching television and I saw the show called “How winning the lottery changes your life.” Yeah, which just the existence of that show means there are enough people– they go “I don’t know what happens… when you win the lottery. If you could please create a moving picture show, so I can wrap my head around it. I’ll tune in every week.” Really? I’ve never won the lottery, I have a pretty good idea what happens: you have a lot more shit now… end of show. Everybody on the show was boring, okay, except for the guy that won the biggest lottery ever: $350,000,000. Uh-huh. And he takes pride in the fact that he’s never changed. Like, he still goes to work every day, he still drives the same car and he still doesn’t have any teeth. What? Yeah, now I don’t know about you guys but if I had $350,000,000, I’d be buying other people teeth, all right? I’d just walk down the street and be like, “Hey, smile! Want some teeth? It’s on me.” Speaking as a guy with a full set of chompers, I can tell you that having teeth is totally awesome. And if you only have $15, you should use that money as a down payment for teeth. Not only will you get to enjoy all the cuisines of the world, but you also won’t look like… well, like you don’t have any fucking teeth. Get some teeth. Can we park at teeth for a second? Seriously, I’m meeting people all the time now that don’t have any teeth. What is going on in your head, where you think it’s okay to walk around all mushy mouth? You know this…

[Audience laughing

Dude, get it together, that is not okay. I can only imagine what your balls look like.. if the part everybody sees, you don’t care about. Here’s what you need to do, if you don’t have teeth, okay? Get some friends. Some friends, have them lend you money. If any of my friends were like “Hey Tom, can I borrow $50?” I would be like, “What do you need $50 for?” “Well, I don’t know if you noticed but, when I talk, I don’t have any fucking teeth in my mouth.” I’d be like, “You know what, I did notice that… here’s $100. You don’t have to pay me back.”

[Audience laughing]

Luckily for me there was another show on after that lottery show. This one was called “I didn’t know I was pregnant.

[Audience laughing]

Yeah. I saw that show, and I was like, “I didn’t know your vagina was Yankee Stadium.” [Audience laughing] Exactly how many people need to be in there, before you realize somebody’s in there.

[Audience laughing]

You know? Like… The show, if you haven’t seen it, it’s not, like,  “Oh, I missed my period. Turns out, I’m six weeks pregnant.” That’s not the show. The show is, “Oh, I missed my period. Hey, what’s that? That’s a baby coming out of me.” [Audience laughing] Now, here’s something you should know about the show. Every woman on the show is Mexican, okay? They’re all Mexican, so you know this isn’t the first time that they’ve been pregnant. [Audience laughing] Seriously? We’re gonna play the game, right now? Mexicans don’t have babies? I guess black guys raise their kids and Puerto Ricans won’t stab you in broad daylight. Okay, cool. [Audience laughing] What game are we playing, right now? “The real world isn’t real game?”

[Audience laughing]

Well, here’s my question for all the senoritas that don’t know that there’s a baby inside of you. [Audience laughing] Did you forget all the symptoms? You put on 60 pounds. [Audience laughing] You think that’s from all the churros that you’ve been eating? [Audience laughing] You have a bubble belly, swollen feet– What about the kicking, right, ladies? The kicking, wouldn’t that give it up? “Hey, put your hand right here. What’s that feel like to you?” “Uh, it feels like you have a baby inside of you.” “No, I just gotta fart.

[Audience laughing]

“I gotta fart  real bad.” And then they get to the question that you’re dying to ask, which is, “Well, when did you know you were pregnant?” And they all answer the same way. “Well, one day, I was walking around, and I was like, ‘whoa– I gotta take a shit.’ But then, when I went to shit, he wasn’t a shit… [Audience laughing] it was a baby.” So you’re like, “Okay, Hemingway, I see what you’re saying, [Audience laughing] but it does beg the question, If what you thought was gonna be a shit turns out to be a baby, what kinds of shit are you normally taking?” Like, I’m a big dude. I’ve taken some mean dumps in my life. I’ve never had a seven pound, five ounce shit. If I did, I would re-evaluate everything in my life…

[Audience laughing]

physically, psychologically, spiritually, I’m making changes, and so should you, Marisol.

[Audience laughing]

I think, in life, you can only really comment on things you can experience. You know what I mean? Like, if I tell you “You gotta go eat in this restaurant, it’s great” and you go there you like, “It was horrible,” I can’t really argue with you, because you had your own experience. That’s why I feel totally comfortable telling you that I don’t like m i d g e t s. At all. I don’t like them. Because they’re always in a bad mood. I don’t know if it’s the drinking or just being down there, but they’re always… in a bad– they’re always with the “Mnah, mnah, mnah”. Which I find kind of bizarre, because they walk like there’s a really happy song playing in their head, you know. So, usually, when I see a m i d g e t, I’m like, “Oh, maybe he’ll juggle!” He won’t. He’s not gonna do anything cool at all. I was doing the show and did some m i d g e t jokes and everybody likes m i d g e t jokes, right? No, wrong. M i d g e t s don’t like m i d g e t s jokes. But I didn’t know there was a m i d g e t in the audience, because I don’t have eyes on my hips, okay? So, I did the jokes, did the show, I finish, I go talk to the bartender and facing when talking the bartender like this. The m i d g e t comes up behind me — or I think it’s a m i d g e t, because I can feel “Mnah, mnah, mnah, mnah.” Like, here and here. So my god, there’s a m i d g e t behind me, he’s very upset right now. So I start to back up. He’s like, “Mnah, mnah.” And I’m like, “SPIT IT OUT!” And he goes, “No, you shouldn’t say ‘m i d g e t’, you shouldn’t say ‘m i d g e t’, you should say ‘little people,’ you shouldn’t say ‘m i d g e t’.” And I’m like, “Why not?” And he goes “Because saying ‘m i d g e t’ is like saying ‘n i g g e r’.” And I was like, “Whoa, first of all we’re both white… and if somebody hears you… I’m not protecting you.

[Audience laughing]

Secondly, it’s not the same thing, because our ancestors didn’t own m i d g e t s, alright? Not unless they won some crazy high stakes poker game and it was like, ‘I’m going all in! Plus the court jesters’.” Now, I wish they did, I wish my parents were like “Tom, your great great great great grandfather, he owned like 40 m i d g e t s.” I would be like, “No way! Do we still get them?” And if we did, I would take my m i d g e t s and I would put little bowls on their heads and I would fill them with different types of dip and salsa and I would have them walk around, so I could scoop out whatever I felt like eating. “Hey, want some hummus? Get your little ass over here!”

Than you guys, you’ve been a lot of fun!


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