Chris Rock: Tamborine (2018) – Transcript

For his first stand-up special in nearly a decade, Chris Rock takes on many hot-button issues like Donald Trump and police violence, while also delving into his own personal life and mistakes, including cheating on his ex-wife and his self-described porn addiction.
Chris Rock: Tamborine (2018)

[indistinct overlapping chatter]

[woman] Ladies and gentlemen, Chris Rock.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Yeah. Please. Oh, sit down. Sit yo asses down. Please let me get on with the show. It’s nice to be here. Brooklyn.

Here’s my question. You would think… You would think… You would think the cops would occasionally shoot a white kid… just to make it look good. You would think that every couple of months they’d look at their dead n i g g a calendar and go… “Oh, my God, we’re up to 16. We gotta shoot a white kid quick.” “Uh, which one?” “The first one you see singing Cardi B.” That’s right. I mean, honestly, I wanna live in a world… with real equality. I wanna live in a world… where an equal amount of white kids are shot every month. An equal world. I wanna see white mothers on TV crying. Standing next to Al Sharpton. Talking about, “We need justice for Chad. We need justice for Chad. He was just coming home from racquetball practice.” I know some people like, “Come on, Chris, man. You go too hard on the cops, man. You’re a celebrity. I’m sure they let you go. I’m sure they’re nice to you, man. You a celebrity.” Yeah, I’m famous, you know. But I’m not, like, Michael Jackson, famous. I’m not famous from miles away. Like, my fame kicks in right about here. You know? When the cops see me walking down the street, they’re like, “N i g g a, n i g g a, n i g g a, n i g g a, n i g g a… Hey, that’s Chris Rock! Man, you are funny, man. I love Pootie Tang, man.”

It’s weird, man. It’s weird. You know, this whole thing with the cops, man, ’cause… You know, as a black man, especially a grown black man, I have a weird relationship with the cops, man. Like, on one hand I’m a black man so I’m like, “Fuck the police.” And on the other hand, I own property. You know, if somebody comes and breaks in my house, I’m not calling the crips. Uh, yo, crips… can you send Lil’ JJ down? Oh, he’s here already. My bad. My bad.”

I mean, here’s the thing with the cops, though, I mean, being a cop is a hard job, man. It’s a hard fucking job, man. I mean, honestly, I don’t think they pay cops enough. I don’t think they pay police enough.

[scattered clapping]

And you get what you pay for. Here’s the thing, man. Whenever the cops gun down an innocent black man… they always say the same things, man. They always say the same thing. It’s like, “Well, it’s not most cops. It’s just a few bad apples.” It’s just a few bad apples. Bad apple? That’s a lovely name for murderer. It’s like, how’d they get that one? “Bad apple?” That almost sounds nice. I mean, I’ve had a bad apple. It was tart. But it didn’t choke me out. Here’s the thing. Here’s the thing. I know it’s hard being a cop. I know it’s hard. I know that shit’s dangerous. I know it is, ok? But some jobs can’t have bad apples. Ok? Some jobs, everybody gotta be good. Like… pilots. -[scattered clapping] -You know? American Airlines can’t be like, “Most of our pilots like to land. We just got a few bad apples… that like to crash into mountains. Please bear with us.”

America’s insane, man. Cops shooting motherfuckers, man. You know, we got cop problems. We got the gun problems. This gun shit ain’t going nowhere, ok? It’s like, “Gun control.” There ain’t never gonna be no gun control, ok? You talk about it too long and you will get shot. They will shoot yo ass, ok? That’s right. They never, ever changing the gun laws. Because Americans need the right to hunt. They need to hunt. It’s like, “Really?” Hunting’s that fucking important? I mean… I’ve been hunting. I’ve been hunting. I used to hunt with my grandfather as a kid in South Carolina. Went hunting with my grandfather. Uh, I shot a rabbit. I cried. He called me a faggot. And he’s a preacher. They will shoot 100 people in Vegas, ok? And somebody will come on TV. You know, and they’ll just talk like… “Hey, you know, guns don’t kill people. People kill people. As a matter of fact, if the gunman would’ve had a knife… he could’ve stabbed 100 people to death. Could’ve stabbed 100 people? Yo, check this out. Check this out. If 100 people ever got stabbed, at the same time, in the same place by the same person, you know what that would mean? Ninety-seven people deserved to die. What? You just watching this shit? “Oh shit, somebody got stabbed. Oh, they stabbed somebody else. Oh, he stabbed somebody else. Oh, he getting closer. Oh, he stabbed me. I didn’t see that coming. Oh, he stabbed the lady behind me. He’s a stabbin’ fool. Guess that’s why they call him Stabby.”

Yo, it is so good to be here right now. Glad to be back. Here’s the weird thing. I’ve been so busy, man. I’ve been busy. People like, “Where you been? Been busy, trying to raise some kids. That shit’s a job. Now, my oldest daughter just started high school. Just started high school. Lola just started high school. And, uh, yep, kept her off the pole. And, uh… Kept her off the pole, you know. She danced a little too hard to Migos, but we’re working on it. She just started high school and I had to take her to freshman orientation. You ever go to freshman orientation? It’s the most boring thing you will ever do with your kids. You know, ’cause you sit in an auditorium quite like this. With, you know, a couple thousand kids. People come up and speak and just lie to children. That’s all that happens all day is people come up and lie to children about the future. And I’m sitting there and this lady comes up and goes, “I want you children to know you can be anything you wanna be. You can be absolutely anything you wanna be.” I’m like, “Lady, why are you lying to these children?” Maybe four of them could be anything they wanna be. But the other 2,000 better learn how to weld. Shit, I’m looking at these kids right now. I count at least 60 Uber drivers. They could be anything they wanna be. Shut the fuck up. Really? They could be anything they wanna be? Then how come you’re a vice principal? Was that the dream? Did you dress up like a vice principal when you was a kid? Put your little vice principal hat on? Tell the kids the truth. Tell the kids the fucking truth. Say, “Hey kids, check this out. Check this out. You can be anything you’re good at. As long as they’re hiring.”

[laughter and applause]

And even then it helps to know somebody.

So, I’m sitting there. I’m in school and I’m watching this shit. And it dawned on me that this orientation wasn’t right. You know, ’cause I got black kids, man. You know, and I’m sitting there, I’m like, “I don’t think this is right.” I think they need separate orientations. I think they need a black orientation, white, gay, straight, Mexican, whatever. Because the black kids, you’re, you’re… You know, you’re getting ready to face a whole other world. I got black kids. I gotta get them ready for the white man. I gotta get them ready for America, man. You know? It’s like, you know. I mean, not the white man that’s here tonight. You guys are alright. Ya’ll cool. Every one of you. I want you to know every dime you spent tonight is going towards putting little black girls through private school. Anybody ask you what you did tonight, you go, “I made a difference.”
But so I’m at school and I’m like, “Yo, I think we need separate orientations.” ‘Cause you gotta get your kids ready for the white man. If you’re not, then you’re fucking up as a parent, ok? I’ve been getting my kids ready for the white man since they was born. Ok? Even before they was born, I’ve been preparing them for the white man. Yeah. That’s right. My house, we don’t have fire drills. We have white-r drills. So, ever since my kids were born, I’ve been getting them ready for the white man. So, everything in my house… that’s the color white… is either hot, heavy, or sharp. So, my kids know when they deal with anything white, they gotta think about that shit. They gotta contemplate this shit. “Oh, this napkin, ok. Should I wipe my mouth with it? Or is that what whitey wants me to do?” Ever since they was born, everything in my house, hot, heavy, or sharp. They sit on a white toilet seat. Burn their ass. “Daddy, my ass is burning.” “It’s white motherfucker. It’s white. That’s what whitey do. He burn your fucking ass. Pay attention.” Shit, when they was little girls, their white onesie weighed 150 pounds. [crying] “Daddy! Dad, it’s so heavy. It’s so heavy. This hurts. I can’t even stand. I can’t even stand.” “It’s white, motherfucker. It’s white. That’s what whitey do. He break your back.” At their birthday party, I gave them vanilla ice cream… with glass in it. “Daddy, my tongue’s bleeding.” “Should’ve got chocolate.”

[laughter and clapping]

Yeah, I go hard. I got girls and I go hard. So, if you got a black son, shit, you gotta just punch him in the face. So, as soon as he wakes up in the morning, it’s like, “Morning, n i g g a. Pow.” If you don’t punch your black son in the face, that’s child abuse. It’s rough out there for a black boy, man. It’s rough! That’s right. Some people say young black men are an endangered species. But, that’s not true. Because endangered species are protected by the government.

[applause and cheers]

[high-pitched] True. That’s right, you got to punch your black son in the fucking face. You understand me? Hard. Yeah, I said it. On Netflix, I said that shit. You understand? It’s important that your black son follow your instructions. It’s the difference between life and death, ok? Ok? Yeah. Yeah, ’cause we got a crazy justice system out here, man. We got a justice system for rich, for poor, for black, for white. We live in a country where two people can do the exact same crime in the exact same place at the exact same time and get a different sentence. Only in America. We gotta change this justice system, yo. The American justice system should be like Walmart. Should be just like Walmart. It’s like, “Hey, if you can find a lighter sentence, we’ll match it.”

So, I’m at the school. I’m at the school. And, the lady comes back out. She goes, “I want you to know that the school has absolutely no bullies. We have a no-bully policy. We don’t– We don’t– We don’t permit bullying. Any bullies will be kicked out of school immediately.” And right then, I wanted to take my daughter out the school. It’s like, “What kind of half-assed education is this?” I mean, school is supposed to prepare you for life. Life has assholes. And you should learn how to deal with them as soon as possible. God forbid, you wait till you’re 30 to find out people ain’t shit. That’s a lesson you need, quick. That’s right.

I mean, one of the problems with the world is we got too many people telling they kids how special they are. These souped up kids walking the streets today thinking they’re fucking special. I’m walking down the street, always some kid, “Hey, good work, Chris. Really funny, Chris. Love your work.” I’m like, “It’s Mr. Rock, bitch.” Stop telling your kids that they special. Maybe they special to you. But not to me. I don’t play that shit. Everyday before my kids leave to school, I get them at the door. I’m like, “Lola, Zahra, check this out. Soon as you leave this door, nobody gives a fuck about you. Nobody in the whole world gives a fuck about you. Nobody thinks you’re cute. Nobody thinks you’re smart. Nobody gives a fuck about your opinion. Nobody on the whole earth outside of this door gives a fuck about you.

[clapping and laughing]

Nobody! And even some of the people inside the house… [laughter] …a little on the fence.” We need bullies. How the fuck you gonna have a school with no bullies? Bullies do half the work. That’s right. Teachers do one half. Bullies do the whole other half. And that’s the half you’re gonna use as a fucking grown-up. That’s right. Who gives a fuck if you can code… if you start crying ’cause your boss didn’t say hi? You fucking weak bitch. Get the fuck away from me.

You think kids were nice to Bill Gates in high school? “Hey, Gates, you Charlie Brown-looking motherfucker. Fuck you, Gates. You four-eyed bitch. Fuck you and your windows, you gape-tooth motherfucker. I’m gonna smack the shit out of you, fucking Gate. Gate motherfucker. You can’t get in the gate, Gates.” You think kids were nice to Mark Zuckerberg in high school? “Hey, Zucker-fuck. Zucker-fucker. Mother-Zucker. Mother. Zuck-Zucker, mother-Zuck. Suck my nuts-er, Zucker. Mother-Zucker. Mother-Zuck. Zucker-mother. Zucker-mother. Mother-Zucker.” He invented Facebook after somebody smacked him in the face with a book. He invented Facebook just to get friends.

We need bullies. Shit, pressure makes diamonds. Not hugs. That’s right. Hug a piece of coal and watch what you get. You get a dirty shirt. I’m telling you, we need fucking bullies. That’s why there’s so many fat kids in school right now. ‘Cause there’s nobody to take their lunch money. You know what they buy with all that money? Seconds. We need bullies, man. I hate when people go, “You know what, cyber bullying is worse.” Shut up. I never heard of anybody getting cyber kicked down a flight of stairs. I’ve never heard of anybody getting a cyber bag of piss thrown at them.

We need fucking bullies. Shit, that’s how Trump became president. That’s exactly what happened. We got rid of bullies. A real bully showed up, and nobody knew how to handle him. [applause and cheers] Shit. The cast of The Apprentice is running the world. Trump, the daughter, Omarosa. They run the world, man. Yo, man, this shit is crazy. A lot of people are like, “Well, Trump is a bad person and he gonna get his”. You know, some people never get theirs. Some people just fail up. People are like, “Well, you know, what goes around comes around.” No, it don’t. Sometimes it just keeps going around. Ain’t nothing gonna happen to Trump, man. Nothing’s gonna happen to Trump. Here’s the crazy thing. It might just work out. Trump might work out. -Yeah, I said it. -[laughing] Trump might work out. I mean, think about it this way. Bush was so bad… he gave us Obama. You forget that shit, don’t you? Bush was so bad that people said, “Hey, maybe this black guy has the answers.” I think people overlook George Bush’s contributions to black history. George Bush is a black revolutionary. Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, George Bush. They need to honor him at the Essence Festival. It might work out, man. Think about it. Bush was so bad he gave us Obama. Shit, Trump’s so bad… he gonna give us Jesus. “Jesus, what you doing here?” “You seen Trump?” This shit is serious.

Oh, man. Jesus. I’m trying to get my life together, man. I’m trying to get a little religion in my life. Just a little. Just a little. Religion is kinda like salt. A sprinkle is good, but too much will fuck up the meal. I mean, I’m basically trying to find God before God finds me. [laughter, scattered clapping] But, God never finds you at a good time. You’re never sitting court side at a Knick game…. getting a hand job from Halle Berry, and… God shows up. “She strokes a good dick, don’t she? I made her. I made your dick too. Enjoy the game.” God never shows up at those times. No, God shows up after you’ve been raped in jail. And you’re in jail for parking tickets. Now, if you in jail for murder, and somebody’s raping you, you’re like, “Ok, I guess this is what I deserve. I did kill somebody. Now somebody is killing my ass. Rape on.” But if you in jail for parking tickets, and somebody’s fucking you in your ass, you’re like, “I should’ve moved that car.” -[laughter] -[scattered claps] “What was I thinking? I thought it was Good Friday. They keep moving Easter.”

Trying to find God before God finds me. You know, lotta religion in the news, man. You ever watch the news, they’re always talking about religious extremists. We’re at war with extremists. Extremists. What is a religious extremist? A religious extremist is a person that extremely believes in God. You think you believe in God. No, they extremely… believe in God. Like, “God coming back on Wednesday. At 2:30, I got tickets. Fantasia is opening for him. I hear Charlie Wilson might stop by.”

That’s right. Religious extremists extremely believe in God. And occasionally blow shit up. Which is really odd when you think about it. ‘Cause if you truly believe in God, you believe that God created the Earth, the moon, the stars, the sun. You believe that God is the most powerful being in the universe. So, if you believe God’s the most powerful being in the universe, why would he need your help? What is that shit? And… It… I’m sorry.


Helping God? And it’s never nobody smart helping God out. It’s never Malcolm Gladwell or Neil deGrasse Tyson. It’s always some motherfucker that was working at Circuit City two weeks ago. It’s like, “What the fuck? Wasn’t you loading trucks two weeks ago? Now you’re helping out God? That is some promotion.”

What the fuck is going on? I mean, here’s the thing. I think… the act of helping God is sacrilegious. If you think you can help God out, you don’t believe in God. If you really had faith you’d really have faith. I mean, check this out. I haven’t been to church in ten years. Now that’s believing in God. [laugher and applause] Shit, you go every week ’cause you don’t trust God.

Nah, man. But I love religion. I love watching religion, studying religion. The cool thing about religion is, like, no matter who you pray to, no matter what you study, every religion… follows one basic premise. One basic idea that every religion follows. And that… And that premise is, God doesn’t make mistakes. Every religion believes that. Every one. “God, does not make… mistakes. I said, God… does not [high-pitched] make… mistakes. Ok, God don’t make no mistakes? That’s– That’s… Ok. That’s… That’s a pretty ambitious thing to say. No mistakes? You ever read the Bible? What does the Bible say happened on the seventh day? God rested. Ok, seems odd that a perfect being would rest. Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been performing a task? It was going perfect, and you took a rest? Has that ever happened in your life? No, that has never fucking happened to you. What has happened to you was you were performing a task, you fucked up, and you thought, “Let me rest… before I fuck this up some more.”

[laughter and applause]

God doesn’t make mistakes. Hush your mouth. God make plenty of mistakes. You ever see a porcupine? Can’t eat it. Can’t hug it. It’s ugly, sticky, shitting all over the place. Mistake. What about quicksand? Sand you can drown in. You can drown dry. You think God meant to make quicksand? Mistake. You ever been to Mississippi? Mistake. M-I-S-S-T-A-K-E! You fucking kidding me? Just a big hunk of racist dirt. Fucking Mississippi. I was there a couple of months ago. I couldn’t even tell what year it was. That’s how fucked up and ghetto that shit was. Like, God damn. You know what Mississippi’s like? You know, like, when you go to the Caribbean? You know when you go to the Caribbean, you land and you get in that van? That drive. That scary-ass drive… from the airport to the resort. And you’re looking out the window, you’re like, “What the fuck? What the fuck is that shit? Oh, my God! Whoa!” You see little kids eating dreadlocks. You see Shabba Ranks stabbing a dog. Shabba. Shabba. Shabba. Shabba. See, people looking like they never saw a car before. Wheel. Wheel. Then you get to the resort and you’re like, “Jamaica’s nice.” “It’s so nice. We should invite your mother.” Shit. They give you one piña colada… and you forgive the worst poverty you’ve ever seen. You take one sip, you’re like… “That baby wasn’t really dead, right?” “I can’t wait to jet ski.”

Trying to find God before God finds me. Trying to get my life together, man. I had a crazy… Last few years have been crazy for me, man. Uh… [mutters] You know. Taking care of my kids, man. I got divorced. Divorced. No, no. Don’t…

[sparse claps]

No. Don’t clap for that shit unless you’re a lawyer. You don’t wanna get divorced. Let me tell you right now. I’m talking– I’m talking from hell. You don’t want this shit. Telling you right. If you got somebody you love, hold tight. That’s right. Hold fucking tight. Commit. Don’t be the one that’s always threatening to leave, too. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out. If you’re gonna leave, leave right now. That’s right. At the show. Right now. That’s right. Just break up. We got break up booths in the back. That’s right. But before you leave, you better make sure you got some options. Some of ya’ll been in relationships so long, you don’t know how ugly you are. That’s right. Love hard or get the fuck out. Ok. You hear me? I’m telling you right now. If you’re in a relationship, all you should be doing is fucking and going places. That’s all you should be doing. Having sex and traveling. Fucking and going places. You should be coming and going. That’s all you should be doing. Ok? People say, “Oh, relationships are tough.” No, they not. They’re only tough when one person’s working on it. That’s right. Two people could move a couch real easy. One person can’t move it at all. That’s right.

If you in a relationship, let me try to help you right now, ok? I’m trying to fucking help you, ok? Ok, first rule. Rule one. Stop competing. It’s not a fucking competition. That’s right. Her success is your success and your success is her success. Stop competing. Stop it, ok? Number two. Number two, ok? There is no equality in a relationship. It’s like, “We equals.” No, you’re not. You’re both there to serve. You’re in the service industry, ok? That’s right. When you’re in a relationship, you’re in a band. You’re in a fucking band. And when you’re in a band, you have roles that you play in the band. Sometimes you sing lead and sometimes you’re on tambourine. And if you’re on tambourine, play it right. Play it right. Play it with a fucking smile. ‘Cause nobody wants to see a mad tambourine player. That’s right. If you’re gonna play tambourine, you play that motherfucker right. You play it with your ass, like…

♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪
♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪
♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪
♪ Tambourine, motherfucker Tambourine ♪

Play it like Tina Turner. That’s right. You in a band. It’s like Hall and Oates. I don’t know what Oates does. But Hall never had a hit record without him.

Yeah, you wanna stay together. How do you stay together? You gotta fuck. It’s that simple. You gots to fuck. People are like, “When we got together, it was so much fun, but then problems arose.” No they didn’t. Nothing arose. Every problem you have today, you had when you met. But you were fucking so you forgave. That’s right. You knew he didn’t do dishes. But he gave you good dick. That was a swell trade. Dick for dishes. You used to love washing them dick dishes. You knew she couldn’t cook. But she licked your balls. You’re like, “Ah, keep licking. We’ll order in.” You gots to fuck. You gotta fuck. You gotta keep it up. And you gotta fuck no matter what mood you’re in. You gotta keep the shit moving. You can’t wait for the Holy Ghost to just get you. That’s right. That’s right. Ladies, are you listening to me? Sometimes you gotta suck a melancholy  dick. You gotta do what you gotta do. ‘Cause I can eat pussy in a horrible mood. “I can’t believe there’s no gas in the car.” “Can’t believe there’s so much mold in the basement.” Shit, I eat pussy on 9/11. Where were you? [laughter] No, man. You gots to fuck, man.

Dude, I was married for 16 years. Married for 16 years. Yeah. That’s a long run. Hamilton won’t last that long. I was married for 16 years in the era of the cellphone. Which means my 16 years, is actually longer than my parents’ 40. That’s right. In 16 years, I had more contact with my ex-wife than my parents did in 40 years. Ok? My father used to leave for work at 6:30 in the morning and come home at 8:30 at night. And during the day, him and my mother had absolutely no contact at all. None. Ok? That’s what a relationship used to be. The kids could’ve been dead. And he wouldn’t have found that shit out till he got home. He’d be like, “Baby, the kids are dead.” “What time they die?” “About eight hours ago.” “Damn, I missed it.” Yes, that’s right. You know what else? They actually missed each other. They missed each other. You know you can’t miss nobody in 2017. Not really. You can say it. But you don’t really miss a motherfucker. ‘Cause you with them all the time. They in your fucking pocket. Soon as you leave, man. Soon as you go somewhere, you get a fucking text. You get a ping. You get a beep. You get a fucking Facebook, an Instagram, you get something. You know, a FaceTime. And then later on your woman goes, “You act like you don’t wanna talk.” Like, “What the fuck are you talking about? I know everything you did today. And I know how people felt about it. I gave you five likes, bitch. I gave you three smiley faces and an eggplant.”

Dude, I was not, like, a good husband. I’ll just… I was fucked up. You know? I was addicted to porn. I know, billion-dollar industry. Just me. Right? I was addicted to porn. You know. And, you know. You know. I was 15 minutes late, everywhere. I got some witnesses. When you watch too much porn, you know what happens? Here’s what happens to you. You become, like, sexually autistic. You develop, like, sexual autism. You have a hard time with eye contact and… verbal cues. You want everything to be routine. Like, you can’t choke your woman every night. You gotta mix it up. Choke-out Thursdays. And, what happens, too, you watch too much porn, you get desensitized. You know? It’s like, when you start watching porn, it’s like, any porn will do. It’s like, “Ah, they’re naked! Ooh-hoo!” Then later on, now you’re all fucked up. And you need a perfect porn cocktail… to get you off, no? I was so fucked up. Like, I’d need an Asian girl, with a black girl’s ass… that speaks Spanish. Just to get my dick to move an inch.

I’m a lot better now. Ladies… that’s right, take care of your man. Fellas, take care of your wives, your girlfriends. Take care of her. Or she will leave you. She will leave you either physically or mentally. A woman can leave you mentally. That’s right, like Star Trek. Just telepath out this motherfucker. There’s guys that think they with they wife right now. But no, n i g g a, she left you months ago. She just came ’cause you got tickets. She ain’t with you. She with me.

Oh, man, the older you get, the more shit you learn. One thing… the gangster-est shit in the world. You learn nothing more gangster, nothing smarter, nothing more powerful than a housewife. Housewives are the smartest motherfuckers on Earth. People think it’s the working woman. No. Suckers work. That’s right. Smart people find other people to work for them. That’s right. That’s right. They got the Housewives of Atlanta. They don’t got the working bitches of Atlanta. Nobody would watch that show. No, a housewife’s a bad motherfucker, boy. ‘Cause the housewife has convinced the husband… that it’s his house, too. There’s a lot of guys in here right now, think they own a house. Think it’s they house too. No. She took that house years ago. And the kids were in on it. That’s right. That’s right, the housewife’s a bad motherfucker. ‘Cause the housewife got a little time. That’s right. So, before Daddy come home, the housewife get the kids together and they rehearse a little play… that they do when Daddy get home. It’s like, “Ok, Daddy gonna be here in five minutes. You know your lines?” “I miss you, Daddy.” “Good. Good. You say that soon as he walk in, ok? I need you to grab his leg and don’t let go. I’m gonna give him a big piece of chicken. And when he fall asleep, we go back to having our house.”

Ha-ha! That’s right, fellas. You don’t own a house. If you live with a woman, you don’t have a house. That is her fucking house. Only man that owns anything is a single man, ok? And fellas, here’s the test, right now. If you really think… you own a house, this the test. Ok, fellas, tonight when you go home, I want you to try…. I want you to try…. Fellas, when you go home tonight, I want you to try… to hang up a picture of your mother. It’s your house, right? Give it a shot. “What’s that?” “It’s a picture of my mother.” [tsks] “I don’t like that frame.” You’ll never see that picture again. Maybe at your mother’s funeral. She’ll go, “Look what I found.” Motherfucker.

Yo, ladies, if you got a good husband, got a good man, hold on tight. Another woman will take your husband. They’ll take him. There’s women in here right now with stolen husbands. You know who you are. You’re like, “That bitch was slipping.” That’s right. Hold tight or another woman will take your man. Fellas, you don’t gotta really worry about that. Nobody’s taking your wife. Oh, don’t get me wrong. They’ll fuck your wife. Oh, they’ll fuck her good. They’ll fuck her better than you. But they not gonna take her. There’s no guy going, “Yeah, I want her to yell at me the way she yells at him.” “I wanna live in a house with no pictures of my mother.” Oh, they’ll fuck her, and then they’ll return her. “I believe this is yours.” “Bitch had me feeling bad about myself.”

Oh, man. I fucked up, man. Divorce, man. You don’t want no parts of this shit, man. And… you know, it’s… It’s my fault ’cause I’m a fucking asshole, man. I’m just… I… I wasn’t… I wasn’t a good husband. I wasn’t a good husband. I didn’t listen. I wasn’t kind. True. True. You know? You know, I had an attitude. I thought, “Ah, I pay for everything. I could do what I want.” That shit don’t fucking work. You know, I just thought I was the shit, man. Uh, I didn’t play the tambourine. You gotta play the tambourine. Everybody gotta play the tambourine. I cheated. Yeah. I’m serious. I’m not bragging. I cheated. I was, like, on the road. You know, I end up sleeping with three different women. It’s, like, fucked up. You know what’s fucked up? Here’s the thing. When guys cheat… it’s like, we want something new. We want something new, right? But, then, you know what happens? Your woman finds out. And now she’s new. She’s never the same again. So, now you got new, but you got a bad new. You know? You got bad fucking new, man. And I know every woman in here’s like, “Fuck you, Chris. What the fuck, man? You? I thought you was alright. You? Come on, Chris. What the fuck is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with men?” I know a bunch of women are thinking that right now. Every woman in here’s like, “Fuck you, Chris.” And every guy in here right now is going, “Three?” [laughter] “That’s it? Just three? God damn, n i g g a. I work at UPS. I got more hoes than that. Three? You must’ve really loved your wife. You a romantic.”

Yo, you don’t wanna get divorced, man. This shit is no joke, man. Had to go through a custody fight for my kids. Just to see my kids, man. That shit’s fucked up, man. First of all, you don’t wanna be a man in family court. And you don’t wanna be a black man in any court. Ok, even the black judge comes to work with his lawyer. And he keeps his robe on all day. And writes “Judge” on the back. Just in case somebody thinks it’s a n i g g a with a cape. “Is that a n i g g a with a cape?” “Nope, just a judge.” Yo, man, I was in court. That shit was scary, man. Like, to not know if you’re gonna be able to fucking see your kids. You know? And when I got divorced, I wanted it to be smooth, you know? So, I bought a house around the corner. Ok? Like a fucking quarter of a mile. Like, right around the fucking corner. Damn near the same house, ok? But, it wasn’t enough, man. I went in there and that judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures… of the beds in the bedroom to make sure the children have a place to sleep.” I was like, “What… What… You think I got a manger? What? Like, I got a million-dollar house with no beds?” Ok, showed him the picture, right? But that wasn’t enough. Then the judge was like, “Uh, Mr. Rock, I need to see pictures of the refrigerator and the food inside… to make sure the children have enough to eat.” And I’m like… “What have you heard about me?” [laughter] “I’m Chris Rock, not Chris Brown.”

Yo, man. Yo, fellas, I hope none of you get divorced. I’m telling you right now, if you ever do anything good for your kids, take a picture of that shit. If you hug them, take a picture. If you feed them, take a picture. ‘Cause you never know when you might need receipts of love. Winter is coming. It worked out. I got my kids. I got my kids. I got my custody. It’s fucking beautiful, ok? Got my kids, man. I just won them this afternoon. I got my fucking kids, man. That shit was, like, humiliating, man. Trying to… prove your parenthood, man. So, I know I said you’re not supposed to compete in a relationship. But, after you go through that shit, like, “Am I gonna lose my kids? It’s like, “Yo, I’m going hard, every time I have my kids.” And I always went hard, but I’m going extra hard. “I don’t know what you’re doing at your mother’s house, but we gonna top that shit.” Every motherfucking time, ok? Sometimes I bring guest stars. I make sure they go back to her with a story. They like, “Mama, Mama, Drake helped me with my homework.” “Lady Gaga made me a grilled cheese sandwich.” Ya’ll think I’m bullshitting. Check my Instagram, alright?

And the crazy thing is… So, after you get through the custody thing, then you gotta divide the money. That’s some fucking scary shit, man. And whoever, whoever… makes the most money has to pay the legal fees for the other person. So, I had to pay for a lawyer to divorce me. That’s like hiring a hit man to kill you. It’s like, “Ok, here’s a picture of me. I’m gonna be at Burger King… at 10:38, ok? Shoot me in the head and give me a call.” So.. I’m in court. Yo, one day I’m in court and I’m just looking around. And, you know, she got three lawyers. I got three lawyers. Shit’s expensive as fuck. She got three lawyers. I got three lawyers. The judge. The bailiff. The stenographer. And I’m looking at all these motherfuckers, man. I was like, “Wow, look at this whole town.” Just here. And I’m looking at all these people and realize, like, everybody in this room is far more educated than me. Everybody. I dropped out of Boys High, ok. Got college motherfuckers coming at me, right? And I realize everybody in the room, born to much better circumstances than me. I’m from Bed-motherfucking-Stuy, baby. And everybody in there is there to take my money. [laughter] It’s like, “Everybody in here is gonna leave with more money except me.” And they got up that morning. They brushed they teeth. They put on suits. They fixed their hair with the sole purpose of taking my shit. And, at that moment, I realized something. I made it. I made it. Started from the bottom, now I’m here. I made it, man. And after that, I was like, “Fuck it, take it. Whatever you need. Take it. I’ll be alright. I’m gonna work. It’s gonna be good.”

‘Cause here’s the crazy thing. Some of these lessons, you just gotta learn. Like, I brought this shit on myself. You know? Nobody told me to go ho up, you know. I brought this shit on myself. And, you just gotta learn some lessons. Some man lessons. Ok? I know it’s hard being a woman, but there’s a coldness… that you have to accept… when you’re a man, especially a black man. It’s like… The worlds cold as a motherfucker, ok? When you get older, one thing I learned… only women, children and dogs… are loved unconditionally. Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved… under the condition that he provides something. Ok? I’ve never heard a woman in my life say, “You know, after he got laid off, we got so much closer.” No, no, no. I once heard my grandmother say, “A broke man is like a broke hand. Can’t do nothing with it.” What kind of gangster shit is that? That’s right. Women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved under the condition that he provides something. That’s right, fellas, when you meet a new girl, what do your friends ask you? “What’s she look like?” Ladies, when you meet a new guy, what do your friends ask you? “What does he do?” “What the fuck does that n i g g a do that can help you out? Can this motherfucker facilitate a dream or not? Even right now, Michelle Obama is looking at Barack, going, “What’s your plans, n i g g a?” “How’s that book turning out? I need to see some pages.” I

remember, right when my divorce was final, I was at a party and I saw Rihanna. I was like, “Ok, let’s start this again.” So, I’m at this party, I see Rihanna. I was like, “Ok, let me say whats up.” Right? And I’m like, “How you doing, Rihanna?” You ever forget how old you are? Rihanna looked at me like I was one of her aunts. Like… She didn’t even register me as a dick-carrying member of society. Like, I would have had an easier time fucking Aretha Franklin.

Ah, man. I’m retired. I am, uh… This cheat shit. I’m done. I’m done. You get to a certain age. You go, you lost… Shit. You lose enough shit. It’s like, “Fuck this.” I am done cheating. I’m… Hey, I love pussy, but I like peace more. Peace is better than pussy. Peace makes my dick hard. I need motherfucking peace, motherfucker. You wanna be my girl? Be peaceful. Just some peace, motherfucker. That’s right, I ain’t cheating at all, you know. I mean, unless Rihanna, you know…

It’s all good, man. Now I’m dating. I’m actually dating. It’s just weird, man. It’s weird. I was married for a long time, man. You know, I date some girls my age. And some a little younger. That shit is crazy, man. Yo, shit has changed. These girls fuck fast now. They fuck fast and they leave. They just get the fuck out yo house. They just fuck and leave. I’m like, “Where you going? It’s yo place.” And they fuck immediately. I’m a grown man. And I’m like, “This is inappropriate.” My God. Young girls like to get on top. Always wanna get on top. “Let me ride it, Daddy. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me get on top. Let me ride it. Let me ride it. Let me ride it.” You can’t get no 45 year-old-woman to get on top. She’s like, “N i g g a, you lucky I’m laying like this.” “I’ll turn over to help you finish, but that’s about it. These knees are delicate.” Shit, I’m on Tinder right now, under my own name. My friends are like, “You can’t be under your own name. What if you find a woman that just wants you ’cause you’re Chris Rock?” I’m like, “But I am Chris Rock. What should I put? ‘Cedric the Entertainer’?” Shit, my profile picture on Tinder right now is me, butt-naked, holding a microphone, and a tambourine. Hey, I’m out of here. Ya’ll take care. Thank you.

[“Tambourine” playing]
♪ Oh, my God, here you are ♪
♪ Prettiest thing in life I’ve ever seen ♪


♪ Mm-hmm ♪
♪ Close my eyes, what’s it like? ♪
♪ What’s it like inside your tambourine? ♪
♪ Oh, my God, there I go ♪
♪ Falling in love With a face in a magazine ♪
♪ Uh-oh, oh, no ♪


♪ All alone, by myself ♪
♪ Me and I, play my tambourine ♪
♪ Tambourine ♪
♪ Tambourine ♪
♪ Tambourine ♪
♪ The tambourine ♪


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