[slow instrumental music playing]
[funk drums playing]
[man] Let’s go!
[hip-hop music playing]
[Chris Rock] She said, “$300, I’ll do anything you want.” I said, “Bitch, paint my house.” We don’t need the death penalty! We got the tossed salad man! ‘Cause if a bullet costs $5,000, there’ll be no more innocent bystanders. I ain’t scared of Al-Qaeda. I’m scared of Al-Cracker. You cannot lend money to people you’re fucking. ‘Cause they think that sex is a payback. We just got a few bad apples that like to crash into mountains.
[hip-hop music playing]
[female announcer] Ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Chris Rock!
[audience continue cheering]
[Chris Rock] What’s up, Baltimore?
[audience cheers loudly]
Yes! Yes, yes. Thank you! Thank you so much! Thank you so much to coming to my Netflix special. Thank you.
That’s right. That’s right! Okay. I’mma try to do a show.
[man shouting unintelligibly]
I’mma try… N*gga, sit down! I’mma try to do a show tonight without offending nobody, okay? I’mma try my best. You know why? ‘Cause you never know who might get triggered. That’s right. You say the wrong thing… motherfuckers get scared. You gotta watch out. You know what people say. They always say, uh, “words hurt.” That’s what they say. You gotta watch what you say. ‘Cause words hurt. You know anybody that says words hurt has never been punched in the face.
Okay? Yeah, words hurt when you write them on a brick, okay? You gotta watch out.
Everybody’s scared. Everybody scared. If you a certain age and you go to work, you are fucking scared. In the old days, if somebody wanted your job, they just worked harder than you. Now, somebody wants your job, they just wait for you to say some dumb shit. Yeah. Try to get you with one of them woke traps. Say, “Hey, we going to a gay wedding tomorrow.” “How do you feel about that?” Oh, ho, ho, ho! “It’s good. It’s good.” Don’t fall into the woke trap at all now.
I have no problem with the wokeness. I have no problem with it at all. I’m all for social justice. I’m all for, for marginalized people getting their rights. The thing I have a problem with is the selective outrage.
That’s right, selective outrage. Everybody, you know what I’m talking about? One person does something, they get cancelled. Somebody else does the exact same thing… No. You know what I’m talking about. You know, like the kind of people that play Michael Jackson songs, but won’t play R. Kelly.
[audience laughing and applauding]
Same crime. One of them just got better songs. [chuckling] That’s right. Well, I’ll play “Startin’ Somethin’,” it’s a party. I play “Bump n’ Grind,” now you are activists.
So, everybody’s scared. Everybody full of shit, you know? I’m in my old neighborhood the other day. I bumped into my, my good friend, Fred. Hadn’t seen him in years. Hadn’t seen him in years. Fred got a new job at AT&T, okay? So, I’m like, “Hey, Fred, how’s the job?” And Fred’s like, “Oh, I love the job.” “It’s a safe space.” “I feel seen, I feel heard.” “There’s a lot of diversity.” And I’m looking at him. I’m like… “N*gga, it’s me.” What, you think I’m wearing a wire or some shit? What the fuck you talking about, safe space? N*gga, you did eight years for manslaughter. Nobody’s safe around you.
Everybody’s full of shit. Motherfuckers typing out woke ass tweets on a, on a phone made by child slaves. You need to cut it out, man. Not only is everybody full of shit, not only is everybody full of shit, every business is full of shit. –
Everybody you do business, they don’t even tell you about the product no more. They just tell you how much charity they do. They say, “We give back.” “We like to give back.” “We don’t even like the money.” “We just give back.” I’m in the mall the other day. I went by that store. What’s this thing? A Lululemon. Lululemon, I walk by and in the window of every Lululemon, there’s a sign that says, “We don’t support racism, sexism, discrimination, or hate.” And I’m like, “Who gives a fuck?” You’re just selling yoga pants. I don’t need your yoga pants politics. Tell me how you work on ball sweat. The fuck you talking about, man?
And then, I’m watching the game the other night. There was a– There was a commercial for Subaru. Commercial for Subaru, and it said, uh, “For every Subaru we sell, we’ll donate $250 to your favorite charity.” And I’m like, “Who gives a fuck?” I’m like, “Subaru, you want to help me out?” “Why don’t you just sell me the car for $250 less?”
Shit, I’m my favorite charity. Shit. You know what Elon Musk does? Every time he sells a Tesla, he gets his dick sucked. That’s why he looks so weird. ‘Cause his body has negative cum. He’s the richest man on Earth. No one has lower cum levels than Elon Musk, okay? Women are sucking out the cum before it’s even formed. There’s a six-month waiting list for Elon Musk’s cum. [chuckles] He’s flying bitches to the moon. Who could compete with that shit? No one has less sperm than Elon Musk. Only Jason Momoa comes close. To having less spunk than Elon Musk. Fucking Lululemon. “We don’t support racism, sexism, discrimination, or hate.” They sell $100 yoga pants. $100 yoga pants. They hate somebody.
They hate the poor. [sputters] $100 yoga pants? No, no, no. Correction. They don’t sell $100 yoga pants. They sell $100 non-racist yoga pants. I think I speak for the entire audience tonight when I say most people in this crowd would prefer a pair of $20 racist yoga pants.
[audience cheer in agreement]
That’s right. Like, yoga pants that whistled “n*gga” as you walk. “N*gga. N*gga. N*gga. N*gga. N*gga.” “Are my pants whistling, ‘N*gga’?” “Can’t wear these to Cherry Hill.”
Yeah, we live in Baltimore tonight, baby. We are motherfucking live.
Okay? Homework, that’s right. Whenever I do a show, I do my homework. First thing I do when I get to town, I’ll go, “Where should I not go?” And then I say, “Where can I buy coke?” And they’re usually the same place.
[chuckles] Now, America’s… America’s got problems right now. They say we’re addicted to opioids. They say we’re addicted to opioids and we are. I like a good opioid when I could get my hand on it. [chuckles] There’s, like, no pharmacist has ever paid to come to my show.
“I think we can get him in there, yeah.”
That’s right, man. They say we’re addicted to opioids, but opioids are not the biggest addiction in America. No. Not even close, man. The biggest addiction in America is attention. That’s right. We are addicted to attention. Can’t get enough attention. Feening for likes. Just feening. We used to want love. Now, we just want likes. Posting up pathetic pictures.
[high-pitch voice] “This is me eating sushi. Like me.”
“This is me, 25 years ago, when I was hot. Like me.”
[normal voice] Oh, it’s fucking sad, man. Just feening for attention. Addicted to attention.
And how do you get attention? Four easy ways to get attention.
Number one easiest way to get attention, show your ass. Show your ass! You will get attention, even if you don’t got ass! That’s the world we live in. It’s why Blac Chyna has more followers than Gayle King. ‘Cause Chyna is showing that ass. That’s right. So number one, show your ass.
Number two easiest way to get attention is to be infamous. Yeah. Do some fucked up shit. Shoot up a school. Try to stab Dave Chappelle at a show. That’s right, infamy. You will get attention.
Number three easiest way to get attention, that’s right, to be excellent. That’s right. Like Serena Williams, greatest tennis player to ever play the game.
Absolutely excellent! Being excellent will get you attention, but it’s hard being excellent. You gotta get up in the morning.
You gotta work out. You gotta practice. It is much easier to show your ass. That’s right. That’s right.
And the number four easiest way to get attention, number four, is to be a victim.
It’s like “Where he going with this?”
Don’t get me wrong, there’s no victim-shaming going on. No. No, no, no, no. There are real victims in this world. There are people that have gone through unspeakable trauma, and they need your love, your support, and they need your care. But if everybody claims to be a victim when the real victims need help, ain’t nobody gonna be there to help them, okay? And right now, we live in a world where the emergency room is filled up with motherfuckers with paper cuts. Okay?
[audience cheering and whistling]
That’s right. Everybody’s trying to be a victim. People that know good and goddamn well they ain’t victims. Like white men. When did white men become victims? White men actually think they’re losing the country. To who? It ain’t us. When’s the last time you got on a Black cruise ship? Or flew on a Black airline? Get the fuck out of here. We don’t got no money! We got some vodkas and a couple of record companies. White men actually think they’re losing the country! Can you believe– Did you see the Capitol riots? White men trying to overthrow the government that they run!
The fuck? They’re like, “We gotta get them out of office.” Who? “Us.”
Did you see the Capitol riots? Like, what kind of white Planet of the Apes shit was that? These motherfuckers are climbing up walls and taking a shit on Pelosi’s desk. What the fuck?
What would make white men think they’re losing the country? What? What? What? What, ’cause there’s no more white couples in commercials? There’s no Black couples either. Every commercial has a mixed race couple. Everything! Shit, I saw a commercial the other day, saw a Japanese woman married to a caterpillar. [chuckles] Their kids were squirrels!
By the way, speaking of commercials, when did Snoop Dogg become Morgan Freeman?
[audience laughing and applauding]
This n*gga’s selling everything. Beer, wine, tampons… I saw a commercial the other day, Snoop was selling reverse mortgages. Called them, “Dogg-ages.” What the fuck’s a “Dogg-age”?
I love Snoop. I love Snoop Okay, so just… I’m not dissing Snoop, all right? Last thing I need is another mad rapper, right?
Nope. Nope, nope. No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Back to the show. Everybody is trying to be a victim. Like, what’s this girl Meghan Markle? [groans] Seemed like a nice lady. Just complaining. I was like, “Didn’t she hit the light-skinned lottery?” Hit the fucking light-skinned lottery, and still going on complaining. Acting all dumb, like she don’t know nothing. Going on Oprah, [voice breaking] “I didn’t know. I had no idea how racist they were.” [normal voice] It’s the royal family. You didn’t google these motherfuckers? [chuckles] What the fuck is she talking about, “she didn’t know”? The fuck? It’s the royal family! They’re the original racists! They invented colonialism! They’re the OGs of racism. They’re the Sugarhill Gang of racism. Like, “The hip-hop, the hippie, the hippie-dippie hip hip-hop and you don’t stop” of racism. The fuck is she talking about, “I didn’t know”? That’s like marrying into the Budweiser family and going, “They drink a lot!” The fuck is she talking about? These motherfuckers invested in slavery like it was Shark Tank. [laughs] The fuck? She said, “They’re so racist. They’re so racist.”
Some of that shit she went through was not racism! It was just some in-law shit. And sometimes it’s just some in-law shit! ‘Cause she’s complaining, and I’m like, “What the fuck is she talking about?” [voice breaking] “Oprah, they’re so racist!” “They wanted to know how brown the baby was gonna be.” “They’re so racist. They wanted to know how brown the baby’s gonna be.” [normal voice] I’m like, “That’s not racist!” ‘Cause even Black people wanna know…
[audience laughing and applauding]
…how brown the baby gonna be! Shit, we check behind them ears. That’s a scientific test. [chuckles] ‘Cause you gotta see what kind of Black child you’re gonna get. Is this a Steph Curry baby? Or a Draymond Green baby? That Draymond baby gonna have a hard life. Draymond Black, baby. That n*gga dark. He’s “sneak-up-on-you” Black. Where you at, Draymond? “Right here.” Hey! Hey! Put a bell on, n*gga! Put a bell!
I know what she going through. I know what Meghan Markle’s going through. I-I know her dilemma. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. Oh, it’s hard. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. It’s so hard. It’s very hard! But it ain’t as hard as a white girl trying to be accepted by her Black in-laws. Now, that shit is really hard. Shit, you bring a white girl home for Thanksgiving, your momma gonna say something. Your momma’s like, “Why is there a social worker at the table?” Like, “Momma, that’s Jackie!” “We’ve been married nine years!” “You got three grandchildren! Stop being so mean!” “You know I’m playing, right, Jackie? Just give me time.” Nah, nah, nah.
Meghan Markle, I know the dilemma. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. Black girl trying to be accepted by her white in-laws. I’m like, “Hey! If you’re Black, and you wanna be accepted by your white in-laws, then you need to marry a Kardashian.” ‘Cause they accept everybody. So, like, Kris Jenner is like the Statue of Liberty. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses…” Kris Jenner lets everybody in. That’s right. She’s like a Black grandma. She just wants to fix you up a plate, that Kris Jenner. She don’t give a fuck. She lets everybody in. She’s like, “Bipolar rapper? Bring your ass in here.” “Come in here, you genius, bipolar motherfucker.” “Crackhead basketball player? Bring your ass here.” “Let me fix you up a plate, you old crackhead.” “Daddy got titties? Bring your ass here.” “Help me with these plates.” [laughs] The Kardashians are inclusive! And they love Black people more than Black people love Black people. Shit, the father freed O.J.
Oh, you forgot that little nugget of Black history? He was a, he was a valuable member of the Dream Team. That’s right. He wasn’t Johnnie Cochran. He was the Klay Thompson of that team. That’s right. That’s right. Robert Kardashian helped to free O.J. Simpson, a Black, football playing murderer! Whoo! O.J. Simpson killed two white people and got away with it. That’s another kind of Black excellence. That’s way before Wakanda. Ah, ha, ha!
Yes. Robert Kardashian helped to free O.J. Simpson. That’s right. And from that day on, from the day that he helped to free O.J. Simpson, from the time O.J. Simpson left that court… From that day on, Robert Kardashian was cursed. That’s right. The judge said, “Not guilty.” O.J. left the court, got in his Bronco, drove away. And soon as O.J. drove away, God appeared. And God walked up to Robert Kardashian and God said, “Robert Kardashian!” “For the sin of helping to free O.J. Simpson, a Black, football-playing murderer, from this day forth, for the rest of eternity, till the end of time, your daughters will fuck nothing but n*ggas!”
“And not just any n*ggas, crazy n*ggas.” “The craziest n*ggas to ever live.”
Yeah, we going in tonight. You can’t tell none of these jokes at work, motherfucker. No!
I love the Kardashians. I love the Kardashians. They’re a very tight-knit family. I– You know what I love about the Kardashians? I love how quickly they accepted Caitlyn. I thought that was beautiful. I thought it was beautiful. That’s right. “No muss, no fuss, she’s with us.” I thought it was beautiful. I would love to believe that if my father became a woman, that we would accept the situation as fast as the Kardashians. And I’m sure we would. I’m sure we would. It wouldn’t be the first season. [chuckling] You know, we need a few episodes to make this shit happen–
No, no, no. No, no. Honestly, here’s the deal. If my father became a woman, I would accept it right away. I would accept it right away. You know why? ‘Cause I’m an artist. And I’ve worked with all sort of people, got nothing against anybody. Trans, I’m sure there’s trans people here. I got no beef with anybody. I’m gonna accept everyone, right?
That’s right. If my father became a woman, I’d accept it. I mean, to be perfectly honest… To be perfectly honest, in some situations I actually prefer trans women to original recipe. Like, when you’re watching a game they could read defenses. “That’s a Cover 2.” “Ooh, thanks, Peaches.” No! [guffaws] No, no, no.
Again, if my father became a woman, I would accept it ’cause I’m an artist and I would accept it immediately. Now, my brothers drive trucks. So, their reaction might be a little different than mine. Especially my older brother, Andre. He, you know, drives an 18-wheeler, is a Raiders fan. He’s one of them “argh” n*ggas, you know? If my father became a woman, Andre would have a problem with it. That would be a very testy Christmas to say the least. My brother Andre would be like, “Man, fuck that shit, man!” “The fuck, you got the heels on?” “The fuck you doing? You don’t gotta wear a motherfucking heel.” “Why the wig? What that got to do with nothin’?” “What the hair got to do with nothin’?” “Nah, I ain’t shaking your hand.” “I don’t want none of that trans to rub off on me.” “My kids here, n*gga, my kids!”
And then, I would have to step in and be the voice of reason. I would have to check my brother. I would have to walk up to him going, “Hey! Hey!” “Hey, n*gga!” “She’s your daddy!”
We gotta love everybody, man. We gotta love all. America, America’s in bad shape right now, man. America’s in horrible shape. We got it worse than Ukraine. Yeah, I said it. You know why? ‘Cause Ukraine is united and America is clearly divided. Okay? We are clearly divided. Our shit is so screwed up right now, if the Russians came here right now, half the country would go, “Let’s hear ’em out.” We in a bad place, man. Republicans lie. Republicans lie. Biggest liars in the world. Republicans lie, and Democrats leave out key pieces of the truth…
[audience cheering and whistling]
…that would lead to a more nuanced argument. The whole country is fucked up. School shootings every week. Fucking opioid epidemic. Abortion is illegal in most of the country. In most of the country, abortion’s illegal. A lot of people say, “Chris, you shouldn’t talk about abortion.” “It’s a women’s issue.” Say, “Chris! You shouldn’t talk about abortion.” “It’s a women’s issue.” And I’m like, “Hey.” “I’ve paid for more abortions than any woman in this room.” Shit, when I go to the clinic, I say, “Gimme the usual.” When I go in there, they give me a punch card. “Here you go.” Two more and I get a free smoothie. “Mango.”
That’s right, pro-life, pro-choice. Pro-life, pro-choice, what are you, what are you? I have two beautiful daughters. I have two beautiful daughters, right? And… So, there’s a part of me… There’s a part of me that’s pro-life, okay? ‘Cause I’m definitely pro their lives. Okay? So, there’s a part of me that’s pro-life. But since I love my daughters unconditionally– I love them not just as little girls, I love them as grown women. I want my daughters to live in a world where they have complete control of their bodies, okay?
Okay? And because of that, I am pro-choice. I am absolutely pro-choice, okay? I believe women should have the right to kill babies.
That’s right. I’m on your side. I believe you should have the right to kill as many babies as you want. Kill ’em all, I don’t give a fuck. But let’s not get it twisted, it is killing a baby. ‘Cause whenever I pay for an abortion, I request a dead baby. Sometimes, I call up the doctor like a hit man. “Is it done?”
And people argue first trimester, second trimester. First trimester, second trimester. I think women should have the right to kill a baby until it’s four years old. That’s right, fuck trimester. Semester. I think you should be able to kill a baby till you get that first report card. [exclaims] “He ain’t never getting a scholarship.” “Okay, you can finish watching Stranger Things, but when it’s over, we going to the clinic.” “Hurry up, I’m trying to get a smoothie.”
That’s right. Pro-life, pro-choice. I’m pro-choice. I’m pro-choice. I’m pro right choice. I’m pro good choice. I’m pro practical choice. Like, ladies… Ladies, listen to me. If you have to pay for your own abortion, you should get an abortion. Stop letting broke dicks cum inside of you. This has been a public service announcement. I’m on your side! I’m on your side.
Everybody cares about abortion, trying to save these bad-ass kids. You know, whenever some kid goes crazy at a school, they always say, “No child… No child is born is racist.” “No child is born hating.” “You have to teach a child to hate. All children are good.” “All children are born pure.”
You know, only people without kids say dumb shit like that. Kids are the meanest motherfuckers on the face of the earth. They’re the most racist, sexist, homophobic, fat-a-phobic, will-say-anything-to-your-face motherfuckers on Earth, okay?
You realize human beings, we have the worst offspring of any animal. We’re the only animal in the whole animal kingdom that has to raise its kids for 18 years. Eighteen years. Every other animal’s like two or three days. Like, birds are like, “I hope you can fly.”
Eighteen years! And they still bad! And they still fuck up. “No, kids are born good.” Shut the fuck up, man. My oldest daughter, Lola, used to bite kids. Bite ’em. That’s right. You’d be at a birthday party. “Happy birthday to…” [yelps in pain] You look around, Lola done bit somebody.
Now, let me ask you something. Do you think me and her mother taught her to bite? Do you think me and her mother sharpened her teeth? Do you think we bought her mannequins to practice on? No, that’s just who the fuck she is. That’s just her nature. She came out the womb like Wolverine.
I love my kids. I love my kids, but I don’t like them. I don’t like my kids. You know one reason I don’t like my kids? ‘Cause my kids are rich. My kids are rich and spoiled. I know some people are like, “Chris, you’re rich.” Yeah, I’m rich. But I identify as poor.
[audience laughing and applauding]
That’s right, my pronoun is broke. That’s right, man. And my kids are spoiled. My kids are fucking spoiled and I did it. Me and their mother, but I fucking did it. A lot, a lot of Black people get a little money, and they’re like, “I want my kids to know how it is in the hood.” Not me. I want the exact opposite. I want my kids to know shit about the hood. I want them to be lost every time they’re in a hood, okay? My kids went to the best schools on Earth, okay? My kids speak multiple languages, okay? Sometimes they curse me out, I don’t even know what they talkin’ about. My kids ski, they ride horses, they fence. I’ve got fencing Black girls, with afro puffs, talking about, “Touché, n*gga.”
That’s right. You can’t fuck with the Rock girls, boy. Them Rock girls are fucking spoiled. I remember my youngest, Zahra, when she was in kindergarten, one day, the teacher said, “Today, we’re gonna learn about the four seasons.” And Zahra said, “That’s my favorite hotel.”
Yeah, you ain’t never seen Black girls like this. My kids are fucking spoiled. That’s right. And I did it, man. When they were little kids, I used to take them to Disney a lot. Used to take them to Disney all the time, right? But I ain’t take them like normal people, no. That’s right. We went on the Illuminati package. We weren’t out there waiting to meet the characters, like everybody else. We were backstage chilling with the characters. That’s right. I smoked a joint with Goofy. Fucking Minnie gave me a lap dance. Rubbed that big rat ass on me. Ha, ha, ha, ha!
That’s right, man. My kids had it good. Had it much better than me. ‘Cause when I was a kid, we went to Disney. That’s right. Me, my mother, and my brothers, we went to Disney as poor people. On a church trip. [chuckling] Sad already, ain’t it? On a church trip. New York to Orlando, in August, on a bus with no AC. It was so hot, I thought we were going to see the Devil. Took us two days to get there, ’cause the driver was selling weed on the way. And when we finally got there, we weren’t really there, ’cause Disney’s in Orlando, and our hotel was in Alabama. And we’re staying in some nasty motel. It had a bed that vibrates if you put a quarter in it. We’re little kids. We don’t know this is a nasty, cummed-up mattress. And we’re begging my mother, “Mommy, can you put another quarter in?” And my mother’s like, “I’m gonna put a quarter in, but this counts as a ride.” [chuckling] God damn. Best time of my life.
Now, my kids, my kids, yes, they’re spoiled. Yes, they are spoiled, but they get in trouble just like any other kids. So about three years ago, my oldest, Lola, was a senior in high school, right? And they went on a class trip. It was time for a class trip. Now, a fancy school has a fancy trip. So their class trip was to Portugal. Ain’t that some shit? Portugal. When I was a kid, we went to the Bronx Zoo. Watched a gorilla jerk off. And then had to write a report about it. “He held it tightly.”
So Lola goes on the class trip, and she’s in Portugal, doing whatever Portuguese shit they do. And one day, Lola, and four of her little white girl friends decide that they’re bored and they’re gonna leave the class. They’re gonna sneak away, go to a bar, and get drunk. And then they tried to sneak back in. But of course, they got busted. Of course, they got busted. Now, these crazy, rich, white schools, they don’t play that shit. You get busted sneaking out drinking, they’re like, “You are kicked out.” But… But, this school, of course, these crazy white schools got rich-ass white parents. And rich-ass white parents do not let their kids get kicked out of school. So all these rich-ass parents, they’ve all got lawyers. Even the ones that were lawyers, got lawyers. Okay? And they got them good lawyers. They got those NFL rape lawyers. Like, I’m not advocating rape. But if you’re ever on trial, that’s who you want, okay? Either that, or Robert Kardashian, right?
And they got the good lawyers, right? I didn’t want a lawyer at first. I didn’t want to get a lawyer because I was mad at my child. I was mad. I was like, “Lola, what the fuck is going on?” “First, you’re biting. Now, this shit?” And I tried to talk to my ex-wife. I was like, “Let’s wait before we get a lawyer.” “Let’s see how this turns out. Let’s see how it unfolds.” My ex-wife’s like, “No, fuck that.” “We’re getting a lawyer, and we’re gonna sue this school.” “We’re gonna sue this dean. We’re gonna sue these teachers.” “I can’t even believe they let her out of their sight.” “We are suing these people.”
And I started to argue with her, but the last time I argued with my ex-wife about a lawyer, I lost my house. So we got a lawyer. We got a lawyer. And I’m talking to the lawyer, and the lawyer’s like, “Okay, okay, I talked to some people.” “And if you give me ten days, I should be able to get her back in the school.” So Lola’s home for ten days. One day, I come home from work and I see Lola outside just laughing with, like, three of her little white girl friends, just laughing. You ever just want to choke your child for smiling? Like, motherfucker, what are you smiling about right now? So I walk over to Lola. I’m like, “Lola, what’s so funny?” “What is so funny?” And Lola’s like, “Daddy, stop it!” “You’re so serious. I’ll be back in school in no time.” And I’m like, “Look at this smug motherfucker.” And at that moment, I kind of snapped. And I got back in the car. I got back in the fucking car and I drove to the school. I drove to the school and found the dean. I was like, “Hey, we need to talk.” “I know you’re going through it right now.” “I know you’ve got a lot of parents trying to sue you, and trying to sue the school, and trying to get you fired, but I need a favor.” “I need you to kick my daughter out of this school.” “I need you to kick her Black ass out of this school.” “I need my Black child to learn her lesson right now, before she ends up on OnlyFans or some shit.” “Please kick my child out of fucking school.”
And they kicked her out. They kicked them all out, but they kicked my child out first, okay? ‘Cause I’m a celebrity. And I went home, act like I didn’t know what was about to happen. The phone rang. I was like, “Lola, you should get that.” I act like I didn’t know shit. And Lola got the phone and they gave her the news. And then Lola comes in all sad. [crying] “Daddy, they kicked me out of school.” And I was like, “I told you them crackers are mean, Lola.” “I told you about them crackers.” And to this day, Lola has no idea I had anything to do with that shit. And her mother has no idea I had anything to do with that shit. And the lawyer has no idea. And they won’t find out till they see this shit on Netflix.
Here’s the amazing thing. Here’s a beautiful thing that happened. Here’s a beautiful thing… It worked. The whole thing humbled Lola, my God, ’cause Lola got kicked out of school for real. So she had to apply to another high school, and she had to write essays explaining why she got kicked out, and why it would never happen again. And when it was time for her to apply for college, she had to write why she got kicked out, and why it would never happen again. And now, three years later, my daughter, Lola, is one of the coolest people I have ever met. She is so amazing.
Lola Rock is amazing. My daughter, Lola, goes to culinary school in Paris. Yeah. Culinary school. Touché, n*gga, touché. Culinary school in Paris. That’s right. My greatest achievement, man. I mean, let’s just think about it. Let’s just think about it for a second. My mother was born in 1945. My mother was born in 1945, in a little town called Georgetown, South Carolina, right? And my mother told me when she was a little girl, it was against the law for a Black person to go to a white dentist. Against the law for a Black person to go to a white dentist, right? And if you were a little child and you needed your teeth taken out, like all children do, if you’re a little Black child and you needed your teeth taken out, and you couldn’t find a Black dentist, you had to go to a vet. Yeah, motherfucker. A vet in America. I’m talking about my mother. I’m not talking about Harriet Tubman. I’m talking about my mother. Shit, she’s sitting over there, okay?
My mother went to a vet, okay? Went to a vet. And think about it. The same woman that had to go through the indignity of getting her teeth taken out by a fucking vet, the same woman now, twice a year, gets on a plane, flies to Paris, and has coffee with her granddaughter, who is going to culinary school. Touché, n*gga, touché. Okay? And Lola, and my mother, my mother sits her down and tells her about her life, and then Lola bites her. Yes. Touché, n*gga, touché.
Oh, my life is good. I cannot complain, man. Cannot complain. You know, I got some bullshit going on, but it’s going good. I’m single. I’m single. Have been single a long time. I was married for a long time, you know, I was dating somebody for a while. Now I’m single and here’s the crazy thing. You don’t even realize all the amazing little things a woman does for you ’til you don’t have one. You don’t even realize ’em. Women do so many things that you don’t even realize. Like the other night, I’m trying to get some sleep trying to sleep, couldn’t sleep, trying to sleep, couldn’t sleep. And suddenly it dawned on me, I was like, “This pillowcase is filthy.” “Are we supposed to change these?” I flipped it over it was black and greasy. I was like, “Did Draymond Green sleep on this part of the bed?” That shit was black, man.
Yeah. Try to date. Trying to fucking date is hard. ‘Cause on one hand, you know, I’m loving, I want a real relationship. “I want a Sunday kind of love.” And the other time, on the other hand, I’m just a ho. I’m just bad. I’m like, “Ah, fuck all this shit.” Like I’m all fucked up, we all got that. Like, ladies, I will lick your ass and never call you again. But if we hold hands, you my girl. Why is that? Why is holding hands more intimate than licking ass? That don’t make no sense. I’m doing the Netflix special tonight, I’m making a ton of money, I might lick somebody’s ass tonight. But I know, I ain’t holding nobody’s hand. I know that shit. [laughs] I can’t tell you every woman I fucked, but I know every hand I ever held.
I’m trying to date, trying to date. Trying to date women my age, which is 10 to 15 years younger than me. Don’t hate the player, hate the game. You’re right. I didn’t get rich and stay in shape to talk about Anita Baker.
I’m trying to fuck Doja Cat. [guffaws] Yeah, n*gga, yeah. No, man, a lot of people think men date younger women ’cause they’re younger. No, not at all. Men do not date younger women ’cause they’re younger. Men date younger women ’cause they’re less expensive to date. That is what it all boils down to. See, you go out with a 25-year-old, she just wants a pair of shoes.
[imitating a woman] “I saw these shoes. Can I get these shoes?” “I saw these shoes. Can I get these shoes?” “I really like these shoes. Can I get these shoes?” “Can I send you the link?” “Can I send you the link?” “I want to get these shoes. Can I get these shoes?” “You can Venmo me.” “That’s the app I put on your phone three weeks ago.” “Can I get these shoes?”
[normal voice] And if you’re lucky, your 25-year-old will model those shoes for you. That’s right. You go, “Fuck it. Get your shoes.” And if you’re lucky, she will model them for you naked. She’s like, “You like your shoes, Daddy?” “You like your shoes?”
[imitating a woman] “You like your shoes, Daddy?” “You like your shoes?”
[normal voice] And everybody’s happy for the price of a pair of shoes. That’s what it’s like to date a 25 year old. You go out with a 45, 50? They want more than shoes. [chuckles] You go out with a 45, 50-year-old, she’s like, “Can you help me fix my roof?”
Goddamn. That ain’t sexy at all. What, I got to get estimates for this pussy? I got to see contractors for this pussy, goddamn. [laughs] You go out with a 45, 50-year-old, they got a house that’s falling apart. They’re like, “You know anybody with a snake?” A snake? You don’t want my dick to ever get hard.
You go out with a 45, 50-year-old, they always got a car that’s falling apart. Car’s a piece of shit. They always got the worst version of a good car. The car got a good name, but they got the worst version they ever made. Like a Mercedes 308. What the fuck’s a 308? Four-cylinder and you roll the window down? Who sold you this shit? They got a Tesla that takes gas. You’re like, “Who sold you this shit?” What the fuck?
God, man, but the pussy good. The pussy, that 45, 50-year-old pussy, it’s good. That’s right, it simmered longer. It’s been on the pot a little longer. That’s right, that 45, 50-year-old pussy is like spaghetti. It’s better the next day. It really is, really is. Whoo! It really fucking is.
And they always got a fucked up car then you get that good pussy. You get that good 45, 50-year-old pussy you think you leaving the house, “Okay, see you later.” And then she’s like, “No, no, no, no, no. I need a favor.” “Can you come with me to the mechanic to pick up my car?” “I need you to come ’cause if I go alone they’re gonna take advantage.”
So now you gotta go with her to pick up her car. You don’t even know what’s wrong with the car. But you gotta go. And you just standing there like some sort of sexual scarecrow.
And the mechanic’s like, “That’s $500,” and you’re like… [screeches] And then the mechanic says, “Okay, $450.” And then she goes, “I only got $35.” Bitch, you fucking played me! I just got your roof fixed.
They say women have all, they say men have all the power. They say men have all the power. But we don’t. We don’t have all the power. Women have the power. You got all the fucking power.
That’s right. ‘Cause there’s nothing more powerful than female beauty. Nothing more powerful, that’s right. A beautiful woman can stop traffic. There is nothing about a man that can stop traffic. Now, that’s right. You could be a dead man on a highway with your dick out and they will drive around your dead ass.
There’s nothing [chuckling] more powerful than female beauty. You call it female beauty, you can call it pussy. Call it whatever you want, man. Shit, I’ve been working, I’ve been working since I was seven years old. Been working for almost 50 years. Seven years old! I used to sweep up at a supermarket. I’ve been working since I was seven years old. And I have made millions of dollars, okay? And every dime I have ever made I have spent it on pussy. Every fucking cent! Either pussy or pussy adjacent. Every fucking dime. Getting the pussy hair done, getting the pussy taxes done, getting the pussy’s son into camp, getting the pussy’s tooth fixed, getting the pussy’s driveway done, getting the pussy’s mama some life insurance, getting the pussy bunion surgery. I’ve paid more college loans off than Joe Biden. Motherfucker. Spent all my money on pussy. And if I had a chance to do it again I’d spend it on pussy again.
They say men have all the advantages. No, we don’t. That’s right, man. Women you got all the advantages. You ever notice how you can tell what kind of neighborhood you in? Just by who’s not working? Think about it for one sec, you can tell what kind of neighborhood you in just by who’s not working. If you’re in any neighborhood in America, at 12:15 in the afternoon on a Wednesday, and you see women with sweatpants on coming out the gym, pushing babies, riding bikes. That’s right, having brunch, going to SoulCycle. Chances are you’re in a nice neighborhood. There’s probably a Whole Foods nearby.
That’s right, wherever women ain’t working is an amazing place to live. That’s where I want to live. I want to live in a place where women are voluntarily not working. That is where I want to live.
Now, let’s switch it up. If you’re in any neighborhood in America, at 12:15 in the afternoon on a Wednesday, and you see men in sweatpants, smoking cigarettes, hanging with their boys, lifting weights in the yard, riding children’s bicycles, as their actual transportation, then you are in danger. Wherever men don’t work is fucking dangerous, that’s right. That’s right, that’s right, women have all the power, shit. My ex-wife is the smartest woman I know. She got just as much money as me ain’t funny at all.
[Chris Rock laughs]
God bless her. God bless her.
Nothing more powerful than female beauty. Nothing. Just look at Beyoncé. Whoo! Can’t wait for that tour. That’s right, man, Beyoncé. Now I know she talented. She is so talented, man. She’s extremely talented. But even with all that talent ain’t nothing more powerful than the beauty. Beyoncé is one of the finest motherfuckers I have ever seen. Beyoncé is fine, motherfucker. Shit. Beyoncé is so fine that if she worked at Burger King she could still marry Jay-Z. [chuckling] That’s how fine she is. She could still get her a billionaire, great, rapping, fucking businessman. She is so fine that if she worked at Burger King, she could still marry Jay-Z. Now if Jay-Z worked at Burger King…
No, no, no, women got the power. By the way, that is not a Jay-Z diss. I do not need another rapper mad at me, okay? I don’t need it. I don’t need that smoke. [chuckles] I’m, like, The Rock. The Rock. I do not need the smoke. Y’all know what happened to me. Getting smacked by Suge Smith. Everybody knows. Everybody fucking knows. Yes! It happened. I got smacked like a year ago, fucking last week, I got smacked at the fucking Oscars by this motherfucker. And people like, “Did it hurt?” It still hurts. I got “Summertime” ringing in my ear. Fucking drums, please.
But I’m not a victim, baby. You will never see me on Oprah or Gayle crying. You will never see it. Never gonna happen.
[whimpering] I couldn’t believe it and I love Men in Black.
[normal voice] No. It’s never gonna happen. No. Fuck that shit. I took that hit like Pacquiao, motherfucker.
I took it like motherfucking Pacquiao, okay? Shit, man. Did it hurt? Yeah, it motherfucking hurt. People are all, “You guys are fighting all the time.” We’re not fighting. First of all, I know you can’t tell on camera. Will Smith is significantly bigger than me. We’re not the same size, okay? We’re not. This guy mostly does movies with his shirt off. You’ve never seen me do a movie with my shirt off. If I’m in a movie getting open heart surgery, I got on a sweater. Will Smith played Muhammad Ali in a movie. You think I auditioned for that part? He played Muhammad Ali. I played Pookie in New Jack City.
Pookie, motherfucker. I played a piece of corn in Pootie Tang. Shit, even in animation, this motherfucker is bigger. I am zebra. He’s a shark. What the fuck, man? But… But, Will Smith practices selective outrage. Practices selective outrage. ‘Cause everybody knows what the fuck happened. Everybody that really knows knows that I had nothing to do with that shit. I didn’t have any entanglement.
I didn’t. I did not have any entanglement. For people that don’t know what everybody knows. Will Smith, his wife was fucking her son’s friend, okay? Now, I normally would not talk about this shit. But for some reason, these n*ggas put that shit on the Internet. I have no idea why two talented people would do something that fucking low down. What the fuck? We all been cheated on. Everybody in here had been cheated on. None of us have ever been interviewed by the person that cheated on us on television. None of us. It’s like, “Hey, I was sucking somebody else’s dick.” “How did that make you feel?”
Why the fuck would you do that shit? She hurt him way more than he hurt me. Okay? Okay? And by the way, he does that shit, everybody in the world called him a bitch. I tried to call the motherfucker and give him my condolences. He ain’t pick up for me. Everybody called that man a bitch. Fucking Charlamagne called him a bitch. The Breakfast Club called him a bitch. And The View and The Talk and every rapper and the Drink Champs called him a fucking bitch. Everybody called him a bitch and called his wife a predator. Everybody called him a bitch. Everybody! Everybody! And who does he hit? Me. A n*gga he know he could beat. That is some bitch-ass shit.
That’s what the fuck happened, okay? Get the fuck out of here, man. What the fuck? I do nothing to this motherfucker, okay? Whatever. Years ago, his wife said I should quit the Oscars. I shouldn’t host. She fucking said, “He should quit ’cause Will didn’t get nominated for Concussion.” What the fuck? What the fuck? So then I do some jokes about her. Who gives a fuck? That’s how it is. She started it. I finished it. Okay? That’s what the fuck happened. Nobody was picking on this bitch. She started this shit. Nobody was picking on her. Nobody was picking on her. She said, me, a fucking grown-ass man should quit his job ’cause her husband didn’t get nominated for Concussion. And then this n*gga gives me a fucking concussion, okay?
What the fuck, man? I love Will Smith. My whole life, I love this n*gga. I saw him opened up for Run-DMC at the Nassau Coliseum. These n*ggas made brand-new funk. I love this n*gga. He made some great movies. I’ve rooted for Will Smith my whole life. I root for this motherfucker, okay? And now, I watch Emancipation just to see him get whooped. It got me rooting for Massa, okay? Hit him again, Massa. Hit him again! You missed a spot, Massa. You missed a spot.
A lot of people go, “Chris, how come you didn’t do nothing back.” “How come you didn’t do nothing back that night?” ‘Cause I got parents. That’s why. ‘Cause I was raised, okay? I’ve got parents. You know what my parents taught me. Don’t fight in front of white people.
[audience cheering and applauding]
[hip-hop music playing]
[audience continue cheering]
[“N*gga in Paris” playing]