[rock music playing]
[audience cheering and applauding]
[announcer] Please welcome Chelsea Handler.
[cheering and applause continues]
Oh my God! Oh, hello, New Jersey. Welcome!
[cheering and applause continues]
I’m just trying to identify my homosexual guests in the crowd tonight.
I don’t…
[cheering]
Hello, hello. The men? Okay, yeah. You’re straight, sir. I can tell by your outfit. But you are gay. Thank you and welcome. Thank you for being here. Where are the other homosexuals? Have you already been segregated? What–
[cheering]
Okay, thank you, thank you. I have so… I have my entire career to thank to homosexual men and women. Thank you.
[cheering and applause]
And I also wanna shout out homosexual men specifically for all of the contributions that you guys have made to society that go unnoticed and underappreciated. Do you guys remember when monkeypox came on the scene?
[audience laughing]
No, you fucking don’t. You know why? Because every gay man went and got vaccinated inside of 30 days so that the rest of us straight people never had to deal with monkeypox. [cheering and applause] That’s what they did for our communities. I was excited when monkeypox came on the scene. I was excited about a new pandemic. New parameters, new rules. [audience laughing] I remember the CDC was… was on TV one morning, saying the two ways to avoid contracting monkeypox were to by A, avoid anal penetration. As if it just sneaks up on you at the bank. [audience laughing] “Oh, whoopsie! Oh-hoo-hoo!”
[audience laughs]
Or B, avoid sharing a towel.
[Chelsea chuckles]
[audience laughs] First of all, if you’re doing anal, you’re sharing a fucking towel, assholes.
[audience laughing]
But we didn’t have to deal with that. I didn’t have to deal with finding out about monkeypox because of what gay men did for this country. They are patriots, and I am so appre… That’s… They got rid of monkeypox so quickly that I realized I was missing out… [audience laughing] …on anal penetration. I was like, “If these guys are so excited to get back to something, I wanna try it.” And guess what? Anal penetration isn’t just for homosexual men anymore. It’s trending, and you might wanna give it a whirl. [audience laughs] It can be a big pill to swallow in the beginning, but you never know.
[audience laughs]
And my hope here tonight is for couples who have been together for a long time… Have you guys ever done anal?
[audience laughing]
Okay. So my hope here for tonight is for newer couples, older couples, to go home, look at each other, and think, “Let’s try anal and think of Chelsea Handler.” I want that to happen. [scattered cheering and applause] For people who are first-timers and you’re not with someone, but you’re also looking to get anally penetrated tonight, I want you to have a strategy, okay? You have to pick a medium-to-small male. [audience laughing] Can’t do that with 50 Cent.
Mm-mm.
[surprised laughter] Jo Koy maybe, but not 50 Cent.
[surprised laughter]
[scattered cheering and applause] The other upside to anal penetration… [laughs] [audience laughing] …is that there is a 90% chance you will not get pregnant, and I love those odds. [audience laughing] I have a friend who’s always like, “Chelsea, you’re not gonna have a baby?” “You’re gonna die alone.” I hope so. [audience laughs] What, you think I wanna drag a bunch of innocent children down with me? My baby’s on my deathbed being like, “Mommy, don’t go!” As soon as I get diagnosed with any mild disease, I’m gonna have my favorite drug dealer put me down in the back of a barn like a fuckin’ horse, okay?
[scattered applause]
I’m not trying to stick around any longer. [audience chuckling] People think I hate children. I don’t hate children. I don’t. If you want one, go get one, you know? Good luck with that. I don’t care. I just don’t want them so close by me, you know, all the time. The real reason I don’t want children is not because I hate them. It’s just because I found the whole thesis of childhood so insulting. Like… I was so annoyed when I was born.
I remember being born.
[audience laughing] I remember being in that hospital room, shooting out of my mother’s Pikachu. And I remember these bright lights everywhere and then someone smacking me on the ass, and just thinking, “Are you fucking kidding me?” [audience laughs] And then I came home to my “family,” and there were already, like, five other kids there. And I remember looking at my parents like, “Who the fuck is in charge around here?” “Do I have a dowry?” “Like, how the fuck am I going to upwardly mobilize out of this shit?” [audience laughs] I had a problem right away, you know. I grew up watching The Brady Bunch, like I’m sure many of you, right? With the six kids and the mother and the father and then the housekeeper, Alice. I was like, “Where the fuck is our Alice?” [audience laughing] I couldn’t stand my family. I couldn’t stand my father. He was an asshole. I knew that right away. And I was like… I was in this baby body, but I felt like a woman, you know?
[audience laughing]
I felt womanly. Like I wanted to start a business. Catering or something, you know? [audience laughing] And my dad and I would just go at it from a very early age. So we’re not on the same page at all. And then, when I was around seven years old, he’s like, “We have to take her to Disney World or something, so that she can see how other children behave, you know.” “Something’s missing. Something’s wrong with her.” And so my parents decided to take us all to Disney World when I was seven years old, which meant we were gonna take… My dad was a used car dealer, so that meant we were gonna drive from New Jersey to Florida in my dad’s blue and white molester van.
[audience laughing]
With no motel or hotel reservations. My dad didn’t ever think about anything like that. He would just pull over at whatever Econo Lodge or Amber alert hotel he found. And we’d pull into, like, a Holiday Inn Express, and it would say in big neon lettering, “No vacancies.” And my dad would pop out of the car enthusiastic. Then I would pop out of the car after him, like, “Hey, Stevie Wonder.” “Did you see the fuckin’ sign?”
[audience laughing]
“You dumbass.” [audience laughs] I couldn’t believe the incompetence of my parents. Then we got to Disney World. That’s a farce too. Just a bunch of grown men dressed like mice. Are you kidding me? [audience laughs] Even at seven, I was looking for a bar. [audience laughing] The most intriguing thing I saw at Disney World was there was this other seven-year-old boy. Girls and boys age at different paces, so he may as well have been two months old. [audience laughing] And he was face down on the cement at Disney World, and he was kicking and screaming, and he was throwing a tantrum. And I remember the feeling I had. I remember looking at him, and I was envious. I was like, “Oh.”
“Are we allowed to do that? Like…”
[audience laughing] “That’s how I feel,” you know. And I came home from that trip after I saw that kid throw a tantrum. I was like, “Hmm, I’m more interested in that.” And then I went to kindergarten or first grade, whatever you’re in when you’re seven. And then there was this boy, Aaron. He was on the playground. I came back from that trip and saw him in the corner of the playground. And he was, like, sitting in the corner of the playground going, “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” “Fuck, fuck, fuck. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.” And Mrs. Keenan, our teacher, was standing across from him and very sweet about it. Like, she was very understanding. And I walked over. I was like, “What is going on over here, Mrs. Keenan?” You know? “Why is Aaron allowed to speak like that?” And she said, “Oh, Aaron has Tourette’s syndrome.” And I was like, “I would also like to get that.”
[audience laughing]
And you have to understand, my dad was so against me. He made me read Anna Karenina by Tolstoy when I was fucking seven, ’cause he thought that would keep me out of trouble. That woman kills herself by jumping in front of a train because she doesn’t have a boyfriend, you know? [audience laughing] He made me read Moby-Dick, which is 1,300 pages, when I was seven years old, and I had to give a book report. I would go in to school, and they would be like, “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.” And I’d be like, “Which one, China or Berlin?” Like…
[audience laughing]
I’d come home to my father. I’m like, “You have to dumb it down. I can’t relate to my fucking colleagues.” [audience laughing] I went to the library, got a book about Tourette’s. I read that in fucking 30 seconds. I was like, “I like all of these points.” I came home that day. I was like, “I have Tourette Syndrome.” And I waited. I waited. I sat at the dinner table. My mom and my dad would come home from his non-“job” of selling used cars that were all in our fuckin’ driveway. And my dad came home, and I could not wait. I was sitting on the edge of my seat. I sat at the dinner table waiting for, like, 40 minutes. I was like… [groans] Practicing all my new words.
[audience laughing]
And then my dad sat down across from me. I’m like, “Fuck you, pussy motherfucker, ass, cock. You suck! You suck cock!” [trills lips] And then I threw in a hard double squint. I went… [grunts] Like, “I picked up a tic, too, so back the fuck up, asshole.” [audience laughing] I slept like a baby that night. [audience laughing] Then, when I was eight years old, I broke my arm. This was a pivotal moment in my life. We had a summer house on Martha’s Vineyard. I know that makes us sound wealthy. We weren’t. I don’t know how my dad got that house. I’m sure he stole it from somebody.
[audience laughing]
But I broke my arm, and I was outside. I tripped over our dog, whose name was Muttley. And when I broke my arm, I saw my bone coming out of my… My elbow bone was outside of my arm. And my brother Glen came and scooped me up. He’s like, “Oh my God, are you okay?” And I’m like, “I don’t think so.” “You know, like, this is… I’m, like… I don’t even know.” “Do they have insurance? Like, what do we do next?” [audience laughs] And he picked me up and brought me up to my parents. My father looked at the bone coming out of my arm and said, “We should ice it.” [audience laughing] And I remember just… I had had it, you know? I had had it. I was eight. I was like, “Are you…” “I don’t have time for these kinds of shenanigans, okay?” I looked at my mother, and I looked at my father, and I said, “Who the fuck is in charge around here?” “The two of you are like an ashtray on a motorcycle.” “I have to go to a hospital now.”
[audience laughing]
And I went to the hospital with my brother Glen, and I got a cast, and this was exciting. ‘Cause then I had something physical to threaten people with. The cast started from here and went to here. I’d never felt more powerful in my life. Like a gladiator, you know? I came home and started to threaten my brothers and sisters, who are much older. But they were humoring me, but it didn’t matter. I felt dominion. I was like, “Yes.” And I remember organizing our dinner table on Martha’s Vineyard one summer night. And I was telling my brother, “You sit there, and you sit there.” And then I told my father, “You sit facing the wall.” [audience laughing] “And think about what you’ve done,” you know. And then I sat down, and I slammed my cast down, and it hit the top of my Pikachu. And I was like, “Ow,” you know? And then it slid down, like, two more centimeters, and I was like, “Brrrrrr.”
“What is that zone?”
[audience laughing] And I went up that night and found out exactly what that zone was. And I came home for the fall. We would spend the summers on the Vineyard. I came home to New Jersey that fall. Now I was like… I was eight years old, I was about to turn nine, and my best friend, Jodi Repati, said, “We’re having a back-to-school sleepover at my house on Friday night at 7:30.” She goes, “Everyone’s gonna come over, and we’re all gonna get the feeling.” [audience laughing] I didn’t know what the feeling was, but I was like, “I’ll fucking find out.” “I’m not gonna run with the wrong crew. I know how to fucking be cool.” I walk in, and there are nine eight-year-old girls face down in their sleeping bags, just going like this… [audience laughing] I was like, “Let’s fucking go!”
[audience laughing]
I couldn’t get enough of myself. I showed up at that sleepover at 7:30, and I didn’t get up from that position until 7:30 a.m., when Jodi’s mom tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Honey, we’re gonna need you to leave.” [audience laughing] I left that sleepover, I had rug burns on my forehead. I was so thirsty and dehydrated from sweating so much into my pajamas. I was like, “Does anyone have a Capri-Sun, please?” [audience laughing] And when you’re that young, you’re eight or nine years old, you’re masturbating, you’re not really– You don’t even know what you’re doing is masturbating. You’re just like, “This feels amazing. Like, why didn’t anyone tell me about it?” [scattered laughter] You’re not making direct contact with your Pikachu, you know? Like, you want a thicker material. Like, the thicker, the better. You want some traction. You want, like, a corduroy or a thick denim. Or what’s underneath a boat. A rudder. You want a rudder. You want, like, a wall. You see a corner, and you’re like, “I’m gonna fucking get you.”
[audience laughing]
And when no one says anything to you, like, “Hey, stop jerking off, you fucking pig,” you don’t think that anyone even knows what you’re doing. So I just did it all the time. [audience laughing] I’d come home from school. I had a banana-seat bicycle.
Now we know what those were for.
[audience laughing] I had a banana-seat bicycle. I’d go on little… little “errands” with my fake family that I created, that I would go and drop off at lacrosse and volleyball. I had two fake “children,” Lucas and Siddiqua. [audience laughing] Two different dads, obviously. [audience laughing] I would take my banana-seat bicycle, I would hit a pothole, and just fuckin’ ride it for, like, 30 minutes. [audience laughing] My neighbor called my mom, “Your daughter’s been in our pothole in front of our living room window for 45 minutes.” [audience laughing] When I got home that night, my mom’s like, “Where have you been?” “Traffic.” [audience laughing] I’d go into school, I’d go into math class, and they had those desks with the apertures, the openings on the desk, and I’d have a Trapper Keeper in the desk and a ruler in the Trapper Keeper. And I would take the ruler, and I could always do one spin. I’d call it “a spin.” I’m like, “Do I have time for a spin?”
And I would…
[audience laughing] I would take the ruler, and I’d be like, “Brrrrr. You know? I could do one round and remain alert, you know? Like… [audience laughing] I wouldn’t start sweating. I’d be like, “Yeah.” Like… [scattered laughter] So I’d always do one. I would be like… [groans] And then I’d put the ruler away. And masturbating as a young person is just like masturbating as an adult. You do one round, you climax, and you’re like, “Ugh, you’re disgusting. Get away from me.”
[audience laughing]
“Don’t fucking touch me again.” And then 30 minutes later, you’re like, “One more time!” [audience laughing] So I would do it, I would think I’d be done, but I couldn’t resist myself. I couldn’t get enough. So I would take the ruler back out, and then completely lose my shit, you know, during the class. By the end of class, our math teacher would be like, “Seven times seven.” I’d be like, “Forty-nine!” [audience laughing] So this was a humiliating time in my life that I didn’t even know what was happening. And then we had Thanksgiving dinner with my family, which means my six brothers and sisters, myself included, my mother and my father and my grandparents. If you’re the youngest of six children, you understand that nobody really respects you, you know? They didn’t respect my opinion on international or global politics or anything that was going on in the world. And Thanksgiving is typically pretty fucking boring. So I grabbed a ladle from the kitchen. [scattered laughter]
[audience laughing]
And I thought, “I hope I don’t have to use this,” you know? [audience laughing] “I hope that you don’t reduce me to using a ladle to masturbate at Thanksgiving.” “I hope that you respect my conversation enough that I don’t have to jerk off, okay, during a fucking holiday we know nothing about.” So I go, and I sit down at the dinner table, and I tuck the ladle underneath my thigh. And I do one little spin, and I’m like, “Okay, you know, remain alert.” “No one knows what’s up.” And I don’t know what happened after that. I don’t know if I blacked out, or…
[audience laughing]
…I lost the plot, but all I remember waking up to is hearing my mother’s voice. And my mother was very sweet and European and very much the opposite of what I am.
[audience laughs]
And she said, “Chelsea.” “Chelsea.” “We need you to open your eyes.” [audience laughing] And in that moment, I’m like, “Oh my God.” [spluttering] “It’s over, it’s over, it’s over.” And I kick the ladle to the bottom of the floor, you know. I was like, “Get away from me, you fucking rapist.” [audience laughing] And I open my eyes, and I see my whole family, and their heads are bowed, and, like, they’re all looking down in, you know, shame. And my grandfather is rubbing my father’s back, like, “So sorry about your little whore daughter.” [audience laughing] And I look at my mom, said, “Sweetie, that’s something that you wanna do in the privacy of your own room.” And I’m like, “Bwuhhh!” “Stop talking!” And my brother Roy stood up and goes, “She does it all the time!” [audience laughing] The most humiliating day of my life. I did not masturbate, I did not touch my own vagina from the age of nine to 40.
[audience laughing]
Nine to 40. Even with tampons, I had an applicator. “You stay away from me. You’re fucking trouble.” [audience laughing] And then, when I was ten years old, my mom told us we were going on an airplane ride from New Jersey to California to visit my grandparents. I grew up watching Love Boat. I thought, “Love Boat, airplanes.” Everything’s so romanticized. I couldn’t wait to be on an airplane. I had a little Smurfette briefcase. I had kitten heels on. And I was flying with my two sisters to California from New Jersey. And we board the plane, and I walked past the first-class section. And I stop, and I’m like… [sniffing] “This seems like my group.” [audience laughing] My mom’s like, “This is not your group. Go to the back of the…” “Go to the back of the plane.” Then she slowly explained to me that we had six children in our family, and we will never ever be able to afford to fly first class. And I was like, “Speak for yourself, bitch.” [audience laughing] I came back from that trip more motivated than I have ever been in my entire life.
I was like, “Fuck this family.”
[applause] I’m like, “Obviously, you guys raised me, you know, but I have to split ties with these people.” “If they’re okay flying coach, we’re not on the same page.” I was only ten. We were going to Martha’s Vineyard for summer. I was like, “What can I do as a working woman?” “How do I start a business?” I felt very entrepreneurial, but I had no real ideas. So I was like, “Okay, maybe I’ll start, like, a lemonade stand,” but there’s not enough of a profit margin. So I decided to open up a hard lemonade stand as a ten-year-old. I’m like, “I’ll serve gin, whiskey, and tequila.” “I just need someone to open up the lemonade stand with me.” My sister at the time was a recovering Mormon, so she was out. I was like, “Get the fuck away from me. We’re not on the same page either.” And I went around the neighborhood on Martha’s Vineyard, and I canvassed the neighborhood. And I’d walk up to every rental house and be like, “Hello, my name is Chelsea Handler. I’m ten years old.” “I’m opening up a lemonade stand, and I need a business partner.” “Do you have any other ten-year-olds that I can play with?” And then this family said, “Yes, we have a ten-year-old. His name is Nelson.” They sent Nelson down the stairs, and I started grooming Nelson right away. “Nelson, do you know how to make a fucking whiskey and soda? Let’s go.” Nelson and I made $79 on our first day as two ten-year-olds with a hard lemonade stand. $79 was a big deal.
[cheering and applause]
It was a big deal. By the end of that first week, we made $359 selling hard lemonade to parents and anyone over ten.
Like, obviously, I had guidelines.
[audience laughing] $359 as two ten-year-olds? I was… I couldn’t believe it. I would count my money. I would smell it. I was like, “Oh!” And then I had a cigar box, and I would tape it shut just so my dad couldn’t steal it from me, you know? And at the end of the week, when I made that $359, I gave Nelson his commission, which was $3.59. [audience laughing] He was over the moon. I was like, “Stick with me, Nelson. I will show you the way.” [audience laughs] He’s like, “This is more money than if I lost three teeth in one week.”
[audience laughing]
I realized then, I was too mature for these other ten-year-olds. Like, “I have too much womanhood in me. I have to go out on my own.” And plus, my body was coming in together. And my boob buds were bursting, you know? And I knew it was time to get my body off the streets. [audience laughing] And I was like, “What else can I do? What else can I do?” “Oh, I could babysit.” There are no parameters around babysitting. Nobody… You can be ten and babysit for a four-year-old. Nobody gives a shit. So I decided to change businesses, and I called every hotel in Edgartown, Martha’s Vineyard, and I said, “Hello, my name is Chelsea Handler.” “I know I was ten a few weeks ago. I’m fifteen now.” [audience laughing] “And I can babysit for up to three children at one time for any of your last-minute guests who need babysitting plans.” “Please send them my way. I’m very, very experienced.” I spent that summer babysitting for a 14-year-old boy.
[audience laughing]
Jeremy. Jeremy was on the spectrum. It was before everybody knew about the spectrum. I knew something was up with Jeremy, you know? I connected with him. His parents wanted nothing to do with him. I’m like, “I’ll deal with Jeremy, okay? You guys go out.” So I had Jeremy, and then my business started to catch on, and then I got three other clients. I would babysit for these three girls from Brookline, Massachusetts. These three sisters. I would babysit for them from 6:00 a.m. to 10:00 a.m. And then I had a reprieve, I had a break, until I had to deal with Jeremy every night at six. And so, during that time off, as I was getting very involved in my own business as an 11-year-old, I was getting very confident. I was like, “Oh, it’s female empowerment.” I started a business. I’m making money. I need a break. I’d go into this deli every day on Main Street in Edgartown, and I’d get a bagel with butter, a Twix bar, and a Sprite. And I would take a bite, a bite, and a sip. And it was like a phantasmagoria, you know, of excellence. I was like, “This is what… Fuck the feeling.” “This is what business owners are doing, you know?” Taking lunch breaks by themselves ’cause they’re so tired. When I’d go into this delicatessen, there was this girl that worked behind the deli, and her name was Martha McIntosh. And I want you to picture Amy Winehouse as an 11-year-old.
[audience laughing]
She had, like, the big beehive and the thick, black eyeliner, and I was attracted to her right away. I knew that she had seen things that I also wanted to see. And I had never met anyone that was faster than me. I was like, “Oh.” So I’d go in there every day and make googly eyes at Martha. And then finally, one day, she asked me to come back to her house. “Do you want to come back to my house after my shift today?”
And I was like, “Definitely.”
[audience laughs] And I went back to Martha McIntosh’s house, and we walked by her parents, who were outside on the porch smoking a joint. I’m like, “This is exactly the kind of parenting I was looking for.” [audience laughing] And then we went into her room, and she hands me a Corona. And she says, “Do you drink?” I’m like, “Yes.” [audience laughing] “I’m 11. Let’s go, you know?” And the next day, I went over there, and she hands me a cigarette. A Camel Light cigarette. She hands me my Corona. I’m drinking the Corona. She hands me the Camel Light cigarette. She goes, “Do you smoke?” I’m like… [scoffs] “Martha, ever since the day I was born into that fucking hospital room, I have been dying for someone to offer me a fuckin’ cigarette.” “Yes, I smoke. Let’s go, okay?” “What else do you have up your sleeve?”
[audience laughing]
So I started going to Martha’s every single day in between my shifts, you know? I was exhausted from being a child laborer, and… [audience laughing] I go to Martha’s house, and then on the Friday of the first week, I’m sitting there. I’m smoking my Camel. I’m drinking my Corona. I feel finally alive for the first time in my life. I’m like, “Finally, you know? I have an ally.” [audience laughing] And then she said, “Hey, do you wanna go into my closet and take your pants down?” And I was like, “Definitely.” Like, “What’s next?” [audience laughing] And we go into Martha McIntosh’s closet. I pull my pants down, and she goes down on me for, like, 15 minutes. And I could not believe my good fortune. [audience laughing] I was like, “Oh my God.” I’m sitting there, drinking my Corona, smoking my cigarette. I felt like Matthew McConaughey. I was like, “All right, all right, all right.”
[audience laughing]
Oh! I loved Martha. We were so close. [audience laughing] You know? And I went there every day. She’d go down on me. It was amazing. I’d come home, and my sister, the virgin one, would be like, “Every time you come home from Martha Mcintosh’s house, you smell like alcohol and cigarettes.” “Who knows what’s going on over there?” I’m like, “Oh, you’ll never know what’s going on over there.”
[audience laughing]
And then she told my father. She’s like, “Every time Chelsea comes home from Martha McIntosh’s house, she smells like alcohol and cigarettes.” And my dad’s like, “Well, she seems a lot happier.” [audience laughing] And then it was the end of the summer. I went to Martha’s every day, obviously. And it was the end of the summer, and we were in her closet, and she’s going down on me. And then I’m finishing my drink and my cigarette, and she pops her head up and said, “Okay, you know, it’s your turn.” [audience laughing] And I looked around. I’m like, “Is someone else here? Who are you talking to?”
[audience laughing]
“What?” And I realized what was happening. The exchange that was happening. And I had a decision to make that day. So I put my cigarette out. I pulled my pants up. I said, “It was nice to meet you, Martha. Good luck with everything.” [applause] “It’s never gonna be my fucking turn.” [audience laughing] And that felt cold. It was my first lover, and I had to leave her like that. [audience laughing] Because she wanted reciprocity, you know? I remember leaving for that fall, going back to New Jersey. I thought about her as being my first lover. I was like, “I hope she’s okay. I hope she doesn’t kill herself.”
[audience laughing]
And when I came back the next summer, I was 12, and I went straight to the delicatessen, as a responsible ex-lover would, to check on my first lover and see if she was okay. And I saw her across the room behind the delicatessen… whatever that is called. Meat slicer. [audience laughing] And I saw that she had had braces installed over the winter break. [audience laughing] And I thought, “Somebody got out of there just in the nick of time.”
[audience laughing]
“No, thank you.” But the relationship in combination with my business, I felt, like, womanly, you know? I was only 13 years old now. I was 12, and then 13 the next summer. I could focus. I didn’t have a lover, so I could focus on my business. I saved over, like, $7,800 by the time I was 13. And so I came home as a 13-year-old girl, and my mom announced that we were flying to California again, to visit my grandparents this time. This time, my dad… my grandfather was sick. And this time, I was traveling with my two idiot brothers, Glen and Roy. And I said, “Mom, don’t worry about my ticket, okay?” “I’ll handle it this time.” [audience laughing] I went down the street to a travel agent that lived on our street and bought myself my own first-class ticket.
[cheering and applause]
[man] Ballin’!
[audience laughs]
And I didn’t tell anyone because I could not fucking wait to see the looks on my brothers’ faces. It was like Christmas morning for three… I could not wait to see the expressions on their faces. And we boarded the plane, and I had my seat and found my… I had a new briefcase this time. And I had my kitten heels on, you know, and I popped my little briefcase in the overhead bin, found my seat, 2C, sat down, looked at my brothers Roy and Glen, and said, “See you cunts at the end of the flight.”
[audience laughing]
[scattered cheering and applause] It was so glorious. [audience laughing] And then, like, an hour into the flight, my brothers come up from the… to the first-class cabin. I don’t know how they got through that curtain. [audience laughing] But I’m sitting there drinking champagne, you know, celebrating. And all of a sudden, I see their two faces, and they’re both standing there like idiots. And they go, “You can’t do that, Chelsea.” I go, “What? I can’t do what?” “You can’t buy a first-class ticket and not give it to Mom or one of us.”
I said, “I’m sorry, how old are you two?”
[audience laughs] And my brother Glen said, “I’m 23.” [audience laughing] And my brother Roy’s like, “I’m 24.” And I’m like, “So, collectively, you guys are 47 years old, and I’ve gotten more pussy than the two of you put together.” [laughter and cheering] “Get to the back of the fuckin’ plane, and I will see you when we land.” [audience laughing] And that’s why I don’t have a daughter. [audience laughing] So I don’t have some horny 11-year-old that needs to get eaten out every 15 minutes and then demands to fly first class.
I don’t fuckin’ need that shit.
[audience laughing] No dog that you rescue is ever gonna make you go to therapy with them or call you on your shit. And if you… If your dogs… I have a very active drug life. If… [audience laughing] If I had children and my children get into my drug drawer, that’s a pretty big deal. If you have dogs and they get into your drug drawer, it’s less of a big deal.
[audience laughing]
They’ll survive. And whatever the worst thing you could do to a dog related to drugs is, like, you know what? “It would’ve been worse if I never got you in the first place, so just get over it.”
[audience laughing]
The last time my two dogs were drugged, Bert and Bernice, they’re no longer with us, and not because of drugs, but… They were the last dogs, set of dogs that I had that were drugged. And this was at the outset of Covid. And my sister Simone, she said– She suggested that we go to Maine for the summer of Covid. She said, “Let’s go to Maine.” “There’s a lot less people there.” “We can rent a big house. No one will bother us.” “We don’t have to subscribe to six-feet-apart rules, and it’s fuckin’ annoying here.” “And we’ll just go.” “I’ll send you some links to some houses, and just beware, they’re old.” “They look like they were built at the turn of the century.” And when I clicked on the link, I was like, “Which century?” You know? “These look like plantation homes.” She’s like, “Well, it’s a very Republican area.” “It’s actually a Republican enclave in Maine.” And I was like… [chuckles] …”Let’s fuckin’ go.”
[audience laughing]
Nothing gets my juices flowing more than disrupting a Republican enclave. Nothing.
[cheering and applause]
I was like, “Let’s go. I’ll have sex with all my Black friends and Asian friends.” “We’ll do anal on the lawn all day long, saluting your fuckin’ flag.” [scattered laughter and cheering] And at the time, I had a huge impetus. At the time… This was when Andrew Cuomo was on the scene, okay? I wanna take you back to the time where we were getting yelled and screamed at every morning on national television by this angry Italian meatball submarine sandwich. Fucking screaming with saliva, “You wear a mask! You wear a mask!” I wanted to be his face mask. I was attracted to him. I love… We were so dehydrated for real leadership. I was like, “I wanna be with him.” “I wanna be the First Lady of New York.” My virgin sister, the boring one, was like, “You’ll never be the First Lady of New York.” “You’re a liability for any politician.”
I was like…
[audience laughing] And everyone was getting a crush on him. Like, all these women were like, “Cuomo, Cuomo. I love Cuomo.” I was like, “Oh.” I started to feel competitive, you know? Covid brought out the worst in all of us. I was like, “I have to get ahead of these people.” “I’m a celebrity. I can figure something out.” So I called my publicist, and I said, “Put me on The View.” Uh… And… and they said, “Okay.” And so I get on The View, and I’m on a Zoom, ’cause it’s Covid. And I’m on a Zoom with Whoopi and Joy Behar, and they’re asking me about my quarantine, and I’m like, “Buh, buh, booh.” [audience laughs] And then, at the very end, I said, “Ladies, I don’t wanna get off this call before I declare that I would like to be penetrated by the governor of New York.” [laughter and scattered applause] And Joy Behar’s like, “Oh, Chelsea.” I was like, “You shut the fuck up, Joy!”
[audience laughing]
“I don’t need any feedback right now.” I knew if I put it out there into the ether, you know? I knew. So I got off the Zoom. I was like– I looked at my dogs. I said, “Now we wait.” [audience laughing] Three days went by. Three days, and my phone rang, but it was an unknown number, so I don’t answer that. The message was incredible. The message was… [imitating Cuomo] “Hello, Ms. Handler.” “This is Andrew Cuomo.” “C-U-O-M-O.” “I heard from a little birdie in a tree that someone has a crush on me.” [audience laughing] “I would like to pursue this further.” “My number is 917, la-la-la, la-la-la.” And then he goes, “Ciao.” [audience laughs] I was holding my vagina. I was like, “Oh my God. Oh my God.” I didn’t even finish listening to the message before I was in my car, driving to my best girlfriend’s house. And she’s inside her window, I’m outside of her house, because of fucking Covid and six feet apart. And I’m playing the message on my phone, like John Cusack in Say Anything… I’m like, “I’m gonna fuck the governor!”
“The governor wants to fuck me!”
[laughter and scattered applause] “I’m gonna be the First Lady of New York!” [audience laughing] Oh, it was amazing. And then he called me, and we talked for, like, 45 minutes. I was like, “Oh my God, this is serious.” You know? And then I floated the idea. “I might be coming to Maine for the summer, so maybe I could swing by the Albany mansion.” “We can have an outdoor Covid-friendly dinner date slash anal.” “Whatever you’re into.” [audience laughing] And he was like, “I’m very interested in that.” I said, “So how do… What do I do?” “Do I need to quarantine before I meet you? Like, what…” He said, “Quarantine schmorantine.” [audience laughing] I was like, “Oh, interesting twist.” [audience laughing] And then once it became real, like I knew I was probably gonna fuck the governor… Everyone was talking about Nipplegate at the time. People were talking about whether or not he had a nipple piercing, which, obviously, I knew he didn’t. He’s a straight 64-year-old white male. He doesn’t have the guts, you know, to do that. But I was curious about his nipples, and I would zoom in… [audience laughing] …on pictures of him on Instagram. And… and something curious was going on with his nipples. They were headed in a very southerly direction.
[audience laughing]
And I had never faced a storm like that before, you know? My older sister’s like, “Just take it from behind. It’s safer for everybody.” “There’s a pandemic. You don’t even have to look at his nipples.” “You have to do this.” I was getting cold feet. And she’s like, “Are you a fucking patriot or aren’t you?” I’m like, “I am. I wanna be. I wanna be. It’s just a lot to handle.” So we rent this house in Maine. We go to Maine. I start texting him. I’m with my whole family, a group of friends. We have this big house on the water that was built in I don’t know what time period.
[scattered laughter]
And I start texting him. I send him pictures of me, like, on a paddleboard. And all of a sudden, he stops responding. And the first couple days, I was trying to, you know, convince myself it wasn’t over. I was like, “Oh, no. He’s a governor. He must be very busy.” And then on the third day, I came downstairs and said to my sisters Shoshanna and Simone, “Guys, I haven’t heard from Andrew Cuomo since I got to Maine.” And my sister, the virgin one, was like, “I told you. I told you.” “He can’t fuck you, okay?” “Someone in his office caught wind of this little liaison or dalliance and put the kibosh on it.” “He can’t be screaming at the entire country to stand six feet apart and then fuck one of the loudest people in the world.” “He just can’t do that.” And my other sister’s like, “Text him one more time.” [audience laughing] So the next morning, I’m out. I’m in a bikini. I’m on a Vespa. I have a face mask and a helmet on and sunblock everywhere just to show him I’m safe, you know?
[audience laughing]
At the last minute, I pull my top down, so I’m topless in a bikini, and my brother Roy is taking the photo.
[audience laughing]
And my sister Simone comes out and sees us. She goes, “Chelsea, what the fuck are you doing? That is your brother!” [audience laughing] But at this point, I was so desperate. I knew I had been rejected by him, but I was so desperate. And also, the idea of a topless photo of Chelsea Handler transmitting through his iPhone, or Andrew Cuomo’s iPad, onto the big daily early morning briefing of Covid on a national level made me so joyful, you know? Like, I just wanted to give the country a present. [audience laughing] And then, when I realized he wasn’t responding, it wasn’t happening, then it sunk in, and I felt dejected. You know, people who were single during Covid were scared. Like, “What if we don’t ever get penetrated again?” You know?
[audience laughs]
And then I felt terrible that I hadn’t brought my dogs Bert and Bernice with me to Maine. And so I was sitting with my brothers and sisters. I’m like, “I’m really depressed.” “I’ve been rejected, you guys, and I don’t even have my dogs.” “I don’t even know how to get them from California. I can’t fly them.” “That’s egregious. You know, I’m not gonna do that.” And my brother Roy said, “What about a choo-choo train?”
[audience laughing]
And my sister Simone said, “Never mind that. We will find a way.” [audience laughs] And she came downstairs 20 minutes later, and she said, “I found a couple that will drive your dogs from California to Maine, and they will be here in 48 hours.” I was like, “Is that even plausible? I mean…” [audience laughing] I didn’t know if that could happen, but when things are going my way and I get answers I like, I don’t ask a ton of questions. I’m like, “Okay, great.” It was Monday night at 7:15, and Wednesday night at 7:30 p.m, this couple rolls into this house I’m renting in Maine, and Bert and Bernice stumble out of this little hitch behind their van. And I’m so grateful. Anyone who is a dog owner here knows exactly how grateful I was when I saw them. I ran into the house we were renting. My brother is in the kitchen cooking, and I grabbed two cocktail glasses, a bottle of Belvedere, and I start making them a thank-you cocktail, you know? And my brother Roy goes, “Who’s that for?” I said, “For the couple that dropped off Bert and Bernice.” “It’s a thank-you cocktail.” He said, “Don’t make them more than one round.” I said, “Why? What’s your problem?”
[scattered laughter]
He said, “Look at me, Chelsea.” “Anybody who drove from California… [audience laughing] …to Maine in 48 hours is on crystal meth.” [laughter and scattered applause] So I bring the drinks out, and I say, “Thank you so much,” you know. And the guy’s like, “Oh, sorry, we can’t have more than one drink.” “We have to be in Florida by midnight.” [audience laughing] Whoa. And for the next two days, my dogs Bert and Bernice were walking around just aimlessly into paddleboards, hitting their heads. Just listlessly. And I was looking at them like, “Oh my God, what is wrong with my babies?” My brother Roy is like, “What’s wrong with your babies?” I’m like, “Look at Bert. He’s bumped into the same tree three times.” He’s like, “What’s wrong with your dogs?” “You just sent them on a high-speed methamphetamine car chase across the country because a governor wouldn’t fuck you during a global pandemic.” [audience laughing] “So now they’re detoxing from crystal meth.” “That’s what’s happening.” [laughter and applause] He’s like, “Thank God you never had a real baby.” I’m like, “I’m so sick and tired of being insulted about my parenting.” “You try raising two dogs on one income.”
[audience laughing]
And then I got a text from Barbara Bush. George W. Bush, our former president’s daughters, the twins, Jenna and Barbara, I’m friends with them. I met them at this event called the Glamour Women of the Year awards many years ago in New York City. And I met them. I was with my two sisters. They were sisters. We bonded over being sisters. I call them “sissy.” It’s easier to call all women sissy so you don’t have to remember anybody’s fucking name. [audience laughing] And I get a text from Barbara Bush. She says, “Sissy, we hear you’re in Biddeford Pool,” which is the part of Maine I was in, the Republican enclave. She said, “We hear you’re in Biddeford Pool.” “We’re right around the corner. We wanna say hi.” I said, “Of course, sissy. Come on over.” And I see Barbara Bush. She comes down the driveway. It’s this big, steep driveway of this house we’re renting. I see her come down, and then I see two Secret Service men behind her come down. And then I see the former First Lady, Laura Bush, come down. And I’m like, “Ohhh.” You know, too many Republicans.
[audience laughing]
Luckily, it was Covid. I was like, “Everyone stand six feet away. Okay.” And we’re circling around, and I bring them out onto the balcony, and we’re looking at the ocean on the terrace of this house. And Laura Bush, the former First Lady, has a dimple, so… I’m a sucker for dimples. Like, every time I see one, I’m like, “They’re innocent,” you know? I’d be a terrible juror. I’d just base all of my opinions on people’s looks and dimples. And then my brother Roy walks out on the porch and sees Laura Bush, the former First Lady, and says, “You look familiar.” [audience laughing] Then they were leaving, and Barbara Bush, my friend, was like, “Oh.” I said, “We do Pilates every morning outside if you wanna come over.” She was newly married at the time. She said, “Yes, we’re gonna come every morning and do Pilates with you.” So they started coming over every morning. Everyone was banging on about pickleball at this point. I blame Covid for pickleball, right? We didn’t have to hear about fucking pickleball before Covid. Pickleball. That is not a subject that I can take seriously. When people bang on and on about pickle… That is not real exercise, okay? So shut the fuck up about it. You would burn more calories shoving an actual pickle up your asshole on a pickleball court than playing a game of pickleball.
[audience laughing]
Pickleball and Burning Man. I don’t wanna hear about that either. Stop trying to convert me and bring me there. Burning Man is a bunch of rich people trying to share for the very first time. [audience laughing] So everyone’s talking about pickleball, and Barbara Bush is like, “Let’s have a pickleball tournament at Kennebunkport.” “You… The Handlers versus the Bushes.” And I was like, “Oh no, sissy. That’s cute, but no.” “I’m not coming to Kennebunkport.” “I don’t wanna be seen with your father, okay?” “I can’t trust myself in the company of your father.”
“I have outbursts.”
[audience laughing] “And I’m as surprised as the next person when they happen, okay?” “I don’t know when I’m gonna go off on someone, and when I do, I’m also scared for that person.” “I certainly don’t wanna do that on someone’s property, you know?” “Be mean to your father or confront him about who knows what.” And she’s like, “Oh, sissy, don’t worry. I’ll make sure Daddy’s getting a massage.” [audience laughs] I was like, “Don’t call him Daddy.” [audience laughing] “That is not my daddy.” [audience laughs] “We’re not going.” My whole family, my sister, the virgin one, was like, “Don’t take this opportunity away from us.” “We wanna go to Kennebunkport, okay?” “Just ’cause you and your political bullshit, you shouldn’t take this opportunity away from us.” “Just take one of your drugs and subdue your personality.” [audience laughing] And my sister’s like, “Take two. She’s right. Take two.” And my brother Roy’s like, “She needs four… four edibles if she’s gonna calm down, and that makes her just like almost a mute.” So I took four 40 milligrams of THC to go to Kennebunkport.
Forty milligrams.
[man] Yeah! Yeah, and I’m like… That doesn’t even… I… I… Listen, I understand that drugs aren’t for everyone. They’re for me. [audience laughing] We have a great understanding. We get along great. It’s almost like, if I am sober, I have too much of an advantage. [audience laughing] So I took 40 milligrams of THC. We show up at Kennebunkport. We’re on this pickleball court. I have a visor on and, like, cargo shorts. I look like a giant bull dyke. [audience laughing] I’m as high as a kite, I have big, thick sunglasses on, and we’re on the pickleball court. I’m not doing anything, ’cause you don’t have to when you play pickleball. You just stand there. [audience laughing] And we’re not on the court for less than 30 seconds before I hear the voice of the former president of the United States. And he’s like, “Ohhhhh.” [audience laughing] “Ho-ho, I hear the funny lady is in town.” [audience laughing] And I’m so stoned. I’m like, “Oh no. No.” “I thought Daddy was getting a massage.” [audience laughing] And I look across at the sister, the one that I trust, you know? And she’s like, “It’s him. It’s him. Shut the fuck up. Don’t talk.” And I was like, “Brrrrr.” And I look over, and George W. Bush is coming towards me with his arms open. He’s like, “Come here!” I’m like, “Back the fuck up!” [audience laughing] I was like, “There’s a pandemic going on right now. You stand back!” [audience laughs]
And he’s like, “What?!”
I’m like, “A pandemic.” “I know you’re on your own private Idaho in this little island you live on, or whatever the fuck this shit is.” [audience laughing] And then my brother Roy comes off the court, looks at the former president, goes, “You really look familiar.” [audience laughing] So embarrassing, you know? [audience laughing] And he’s like, “I wanna show you my art collection.” He’s like, “I’m a painter. I’ve made a lot of paintings,” you know. I’m like, “Yeah, I know. I don’t…” “I don’t… I don’t want to come with you, please.” Like, I’m so stoned. All I want is for this to be over. And he hooks his arm in my arm. He’s like, “Come on. What are you scared of?” And Barbara Bush is like, “Just go with Daddy, sissy.” “Go with Daddy.” [audience laughing] I’m like, “Stop fucking calling him Daddy!”
[audience laughing]
And we go into this house, and it’s just him and me. And I’m like, “What is happening? Why is this afternoon so long?” “You know, when…” “When will this be over?” And he shows me his first painting. And I’m not someone who knows a lot about art. I’m a philistine, and I don’t feel even compelled to pretend that I do, you know? I’m not someone who’s like, “I know.” I don’t. To me, art, I’m so glad it’s there, you know? It’s like a duvet cover. “Thank you.” [audience laughing] “Thank you for being here. I don’t need a ton of backstory.” “I’m not that interested.” So I’m looking at the first painting, and I’m just trying to think of something to say that’s like, you know, about a painting. I’m like, “Oh.” And he goes, “Take your sunglasses off.” “So you can see the painting.” And reflexively, I’m very honest. I said, “Mr. President, I’m as high as a kite right now.” [audience laughing] “You need to know that out of respect for the Office.”
[audience laughs]
And he went… [laughing heartily]
[audience laughing] [inhales] And I was like, “Yes, I am.” And then we went up. There were, like, three landings, three different staircases. All of his paintings were on these landings or on these stairwells. And when we got to the last painting, I really thought, “I have to think of something to say.” And I just was staring at it, and… and I said, “The paint is so thick.” [audience laughing] And my sister Simone was like, “Okay! Time to go!” She was at the bottom of the stairs ’cause she had followed me, and I was like, “Oh, thank God,” you know? She would never have left me alone with him. And I also wanted to get out of there before I ended up blowing Dick Cheney.
I was like, “What is gonna happen next?”
[audience laughing] And then before I left, I said, “Oh my God. Can we get a selfie together?” Uh, and he said, “Of course,” you know. And I take a selfie with George W. Bush and me. And I run downstairs, get in the car with my brother and sister, and sent that picture directly to Andrew Cuomo.
[audience laughing]
[cheering and applause]
[audience laughing]
I was like, “Good enough for a president, but not good enough for a governor?” [audience laughing] And then it came out, like, you know, six months later that Andrew Cuomo was a predator, and he was, like, harassing everyone at his workplace. Obviously he was a predator and harassing everyone. He was harassing all of us on TV every day. I just fucking loved it, you know. [audience laughing] Then my virgin sister called me. And she goes, “It’s interesting how you extricate yourself from these situations.” “You could’ve been dating Andrew Cuomo. You would be canceled right now.” I was like, “You sound disappointed.”
[audience laughing]
She goes, “It’s just interesting. “Think about all the times you get close to a bad situation.” She goes, “It’s almost like our dead mother is upstairs in heaven just protecting you and making sure you don’t fuck your life up.” [audience laughs] She’s like, “Remember Martha McIntosh when she had her braces installed?” “You got out of there just in the nick of time too.” [audience laughing] She goes, “This is just this all over again.” “You just got out of there.” “You didn’t make the decision. It just happened.” I said, “That’s a very interesting way of looking at everything.” “That’s how you think our mom is spending her time in heaven?” “By cockblocking me on the ground?”
[audience laughing]
She’s like, “Think about Bill Cosby. Think about that.” I had forgotten about Bill Cosby. I was in my twenties performing at the Borgata Casino in Atlantic City, and Bill Cosby was performing. I was doing two nights. He was doing two nights. And after the first night, I’m walking through the casino, and the casino manager came up and said, “Bill Cosby wants to meet you in his hotel room at 3:00 p.m.” I was like, “I’ll fuckin’ be there.”
[audience laughing]
And I had a security guard with me and the guy who was opening for me. And we walked up to Bill Cosby’s room. It was 2:50. I’m always early, ’cause no one picked me up from school.
[audience laughing]
And I’m waiting, and then I knock on the door at three o’clock sharp, and Bill Cosby opens the door. I grew up worshiping Bill Cosby. I grew up wanting my father to be more professional like Bill Cosby. I wanted my dad to have a gynecological practice in our basement. You know? With a swinging kitchen door and a fucking… clean sweaters on. My dad would have never had the tenacity to get all the degrees necessary to become a gynecologist. He would have been more of a farm-to-table gynecologist. But I wanted to be part of that family. I wanted to be sisters with Rudy and Vanessa, and I wanted to fuck the shit out of my brother Theo. That’s what I wanted for myself. [scattered laughter] Bill Cosby wanted to meet me? Bill Cosby knew who I was? Do you know how, like, meaningful that was when I was at that age and we didn’t know anything about Bill Cosby that we know now? I couldn’t wait for him to open the door, and when he did, he had that huge Jell-O pudding smile, you know. And he opened the door, and I looked at him, and he looked at me, and I jumped into his arms. And I was like, “Dad, I’m home.”
[audience laughing]
And we held each other, you know, for moments. And then, finally, he released me. And then the door opened to emerge that I was with two men that he hadn’t seen, and his face turned from a Jell-O pudding smile into a big frown. And I didn’t know at the time what was going on. Now I know that he was like, “Do I have enough roofies for all of these people?”
[audience laughing]
And we walk into Bill Cosby’s room, and we’re sitting there. And he’s got this huge, palatial presidential suite. And I’m sitting there with my opener and my security guard. And he just starts laying into the guy that’s opening for me. Bill Cosby telling the guy that he’ll never amount to anything opening for a woman. [disappointed reactions] And at first, I thought we were… I was like, “Is this a j… Ha-ha!”
Like…
[audience laughing]
“Are we on, you know, Punk’d? Like, what…” And then I realized he was, like, venomous and mean. [coughs] And I was a young woman. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself. But I had to, you know. I had to stand up for my friend. I was like, “We have to get up. Like, this is awful.” “What is he doing?” And we walked out of that room, and I’ll never forget, the three of us were so… um… Ugh, it was the worst feeling, you know? That… Walking, we couldn’t even say anything to each other. They always say, “Never meet your idols.” And I’ve only had two idols. Woody Allen and Bill Cosby. [audience laughing] And then that story came out about six years later, that Bill Cosby was roofieing every woman that came to his hotel room. And so my virgin sister called me again. She’s like, “Well, now we know why Bill Cosby was in such a bad mood that day.”
[audience laughing]
And I was like, “Little does Bill Cosby know that that roofie wouldn’t have put a fucking dent in me.”
[audience laughing]
Thank you, New Jersey! Thank you for such a fun show!
Thank you!
[cheering and applause]
[rock music playing]
Thank you, guys! Thank you, guys!
[cheering and applause continues]
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you! Thank you, guys!
[upbeat rock music playing]
[music fades]
