Join me in welcoming the author of six number one “New York Times” bestselling books, the star of “Chelsea”, “Chelsea Does”, “Chelsea Lately” and “Hello, Privilege. It’s Me, Chelsea.” Please put your hands together for Chelsea Handler.
Yeah! What’s up, New Jersey? I’m so happy you came out tonight with me. Look at this beautiful train station. Built in 1889 for immigrants. Remember when that was cool? I decided to wear white tonight, ’cause I’m expecting my period. Before we get started… Hi, ladies. Hi, everybody. So nice to be out! I wanna make a serious announcement… to my husband, if he happens to be sitting in this audience tonight. My future husband, sorry. I wanna dedicate this show to him. But there seems to be a misconception, and I get this a lot from white men. Here’s a Black man and a white man together. Perfect! Let’s talk to you together. There seems to be a misconception that I only date Black men. So I wanna use this opportunity to make a PSA for white men who are scared of women who have dated Black guys. Beavers retract. They don’t just stay open. They go back to simpler times.
I went through a difficult time about three or four years ago, whenever the last election was. I couldn’t believe that we elected that fucking baboon! And when you live in Los Angeles, as I do, when you’re going through a difficult time and you have high levels of rage or outrage or anger, however you want to frame it, people wanna talk to you. And they wanna use words like “manifest”… and “gratitude”… and “kale”. And I’m not into shit like that. I’m all for spiritual people, or spirituality, I should say. Spirituality is fine with me as a component of your lifestyle. Sure, go for it. My problem with spiritual people is that spiritual people can sometimes be giant fucking assholes. I feel spiritual when I’m on mushrooms. I’m not into rocks and stones and chakras or walking into Whole Foods, hearing phrases like “artisanal deodorant”… or “micro panic attack”. It’s like, fuck you! That’s a micro panic attack. Los Angeles is a tricky place if you’re going through a vulnerable time. And if you’re not careful, you could end up at one of those silent retreats in the woods of Topanga Canyon, finger blasting yourself all weekend long. That’s what happened to me. I had a girlfriend who came to visit me from high school, from Nueva Jersey. That’s Spanish for “New Jersey”. De nada. Any other questions about Spanish?
And she was hanging out with me for a couple of days, and after hanging out with her, I said, yeah, I would be willing to go to a silent retreat. And we went. And it was exactly what I had imagined. It was in the woods of Topanga Canyon. And we get there and there’s just girls everywhere and Lululemon everywhere. Leggings and deep stretching for no reason. A lot of room-temperature water. That annoys me. As if water could get any more boring, let’s heat that shit up and hand it out.
And there were three veterinarians alone in a circle. I’m like, that’s suspicious to me. I don’t like to see vets out of office. And not running in packs, either. I have a problem with vets. I respect what they’re trying to do. The intention’s nice. You wanna work with animals, great. They’re just too vague. All of their answers are too vague. I’ve had too many rescue dogs, I’ve had seven or eight, and I’ve brought them in every single time to find out how old they are. And no matter what vet I’m seeing, the answer is the same. “They’re somewhere between the ages of 4 and 12”. What kind of answear is that? What kind of margin of error… Are you a doctor or not? We know that kangaroos were alive on the island of Australia 25 million years ago because of a half of a tooth. And you can’t tell me how old this fuckin’ chow chow is? Honestly, go fuck yourselves.
So anyway, we’re at this retreat, and I was already have the attitude that I’m not into this stuff, but I was trying to be open minded because of the level of my outrage. So then, I heard that there’s gonna be a sound bath. I didn’t know… In the woods. I didn’t know what a sound bath was. I thought, “DJ’s will shower with us.” And we go up to the woods and there’s more stretching, camel toe everywhere. So annoying. Kale chips. I’m like, it’s 85 degrees. Who wants to suck on a kale chip? Then I saw a ukulele. I’m like, no, you don’t. I know that is gonna end up somewhere that I’m not gonna like, okay. This is classic, classic finger blasting setting. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on my Pikachu. So I walked out, and I found some other girl. I left the woods and I’m like, “What’s up? Who’s got drugs?” She’s like, “We’re having a ceremony tomorrow night” “with toad venom, and it’s called 5-DME-OT.” And I was like, “Okay, I’ll take mine now.” Let’s party. And she said, “It’s not really that kind of drug.” I’m like, “Listen bitch, I’ll decide what kind of drug this is.”
I understand some people are not built for drugs and alcohol, and I respect that. I don’t ever want to get anybody involved with drugs and alcohol that can’t handle it, but I believe that I am. I believe that I’m built for the apocalypse… which, by the way, we’re in. I’ve done every drug. I’ve experimented with everything. Unless there’s a new drug that came out this morning, I’ve tried it. I did a special on Netflix. I went down to Peru and did ayahuasca on camera with a shaman, and they said, “No, you can’t do that.” “People vomit and shit their pants.” I was like, “I won’t do that. I’m too advanced.” I’m like, “You think I’m gonna ruin a buzz by defecating on myself?” “Never is that going to happen.” I took my SATs tripping on acid. I didn’t get into college, but I had a great time taking that test. And I’ve never had a bad time. Like everybody always has a bad time with drugs. There’s always a girl in the corner for eight hours, like… That’s never me. I’ve had never a bad experience. Nothing that I would frame as negative, anyway.
The one time, I had a questionable experience. This was 15 years ago, before cannabis was the way it was, before there were labels. And a man had given me a cookie. And I ate that cookie. And I thought I was at a movie theater. And when the movie ended, I got up to leave the movie theater, only to find out I was on an airplane. That was shocking. ‘Cause I didn’t just get up; I got my shit together. I got my coat, and it had a belt. It must have been winter. And then I got my bag out of the overhead bin and pulled it down as if that’s how you leave a movie theater. It never occurred to me this isn’t what you’ve ever done leaving a theater before. It was rote. I was like, “I better get my bag.” “I better get my things.” And then I was like, yeah. Up the aisle, straight to the little window that you look out if you’re trying to escape. And I’m looking at the other passengers like, what are these idiots waiting for, the credits? I was staring out that little bagel window, and then I feel tap, tap, tap. And I turn around, and the flight attendant’s like, “Sweetie, there are three more hours left on this flight.” And I was like, “I know”. I was like, “I’m going to the bathroom to change.” Just layered on my lies. I was like, “You’re not gonna shame me.” And then I walked up to the bathroom and shoved my suitcase inside. Apparently not only was I not at a movie theatre I had never flown on an airplane before, and knowing that you can’t bring your suitcase into that little urine-soaked wet box and change your outfit, but I did. I put on a tube top to prove a point. And I walked back out with my head held high. I was like, do not make eye contact! You are a queen! I sat back down in my seat, and I was like, “What’s next?” It’s like, this is like an adventure. I wonder where I’m going. And who’s gonna pick me up when I get there? And then I put in another movie, and I watched that. And when that ended, I was like, “Do not get up, bitch.” And then I wrote on a piece of paper, “You are on a plane.” It’s not like you can look over at your neighbor and be like, “Speaking of nothing, where are we headed?”
Anyway, so, that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, and I would frame that as a B-plus. I’m back at the retreat and this woman, I don’t remember her name, who had the toad venom, we’ll call her Sierra Mist. So she and I are walking down to this cottage to do it, and then this other dipsy doodle comes running out of the bushes and she’s like, “Are you guys getting high?” I’m like, “Back the fuck up.” First of all, I don’t like interlopers, you know what I mean? I don’t wanna do drugs with somebody if it’s their first time. I don’t have time for that shit.
And a lot of people depend on me because I’m a pharmacological intuit. I could look at you and say, “You’re gonna thrive on this drug,” “you’re gonna do better on Xanax, you might prefer a Vicodin,” “you might like an Adderall.” I can tell by looking at your body and talking to you for five minutes what drug you are going to respond to. Don’t talk to me about melatonin either, people. Melatonin is for beginners. Talk to me after you’ve taken an Ambien and woken up at a Harrah’s blackjack table, $500 up, with your eyeshades on. Then you can talk to me about fuckin’ melatonin. So a lot of people know this about me. My sister she had trouble making speeches at work, ’cause she would get dry mouth. So I prescribed her Propranolol. A beta blocker. I said, “Take one 30 minutes before you speak publicly.” She’s been promoted twice. She called me. She’s like, “Thank God we have a doctor in the family.” Magnesium 07 by Aerobic Life for women who have trouble going to the bathroom. A lot of women have trouble going to the bathroom every day. If you take three of those every night for three nights, you would have solid shidoobees for the rest of your life. If you take 4, you will get diarrhea. Some girls like that. If you do, take four. You’ll get it. Doxycycline will kill anything in your system. Acne and malaria. 2 doxycycline twice a day for 10 days. Never on an empty stomach. You’ll vomit, okay? It will knock anything out of your system. I take one every morning just not to fuck around. I looked at this girl, this other 7UP Light girl that came out of the woods, and I could tell by her body type that I didn’t want her to rain on my party.
And a lot of people think, heavier or taller people can handle more drugs and alcohol. That is not true either. It’s those skinny little bitches you have to watch out for, the ones who can do coke all night and then take one of those Lime scooters to work in the morning. I said, “Listen, I’m gonna do this, sweetie, and I’ll get back to you.” So I go down with Sierra, we go to this cottage, and she’s like, “Okay, you know, this is gonna be about 10 or 12 minutes.” And I’m like, “What?” Like, That’s not fun, 10 or 12 minutes. I go, “Just give me a double dose.” And she said, “No, why don’t you try it first?” “It’s transcendental,” is the word that she used. So I was already bored. And then she said, “You need to set an intention.” I was like, “I don’t care.” “Why don’t you set one for me.” And she said, “You need to set it.” I’m like, To be less of a cunt, okay? Is that an intention? ‘Cause I would like to do that.” So I take a hit, and it’s in, a little crack pipe, or whatever. I take a hit, and it’s immediately terrible. Like, the most terrible thi-dark, swirly greens and purples. It was like I was on a roller coaster and my head was in a vice and I couldn’t move. And then I open my eye; I’m like, “Fuck. She’s still here.” I was like, “I don’t like this, I don’t like this,” and I was like, “You’re gonna pass away today.” That’s what’s happening.” And then I’m like, “No, don’t be so dramatic.” “You’re not gonna pass away. You’ve received brain damage,” “but you’re already a little bit on the spectrum, so don’t even worry”… not that people on the spectrum have brain damage, but I definitely have it, and I’m on some spectrum.
I’m sitting there, and I am sweating, just drenched in my own sweat. I’m ripping my clothes off and I’m hyperventilating and I’m like, “Don’t say anything.” And when I couldn’t wait anymore, I was like, “You have to make this stop. I’m in a matrix.” And she puts her hand on my chest in between my naked boobs and she’s like, “It’s okay. You’re in a parallel universe.” I was like, “Bitch, I don’t have any Bitcoin. Get me out of there.” And finally, I started to come out of it, and I was so, first of all, embarrassed, ’cause I was nude. That I had lost complete control. I was like, “My God.” And I open my eyes and I look at her and I look down at my body and I was completely nude. I had forgotten that, that morning, I had put on nude underwear. So when I looked down, I just saw a bald bump. And I was like, “You shaved my beaver. I knew something like that was gonna happen this weekend.” I had to get my stuff together, like with the walk of shame in the morning. Turning away from her when she’s already seen my nude body. I’m covering myself, picking up my clothes. And then I’m like, “Thank you.” ‘Cause that’s what girls do. We say thank you even when we’ve had a terrible time. I did it two more times, and I’m like, “I definitely don’t like this.”
And then my curiosity had reached its conclusion. And I figured it was time to go to a real therapist. I needed to talk to somebody, but I was embarrassed that I needed to talk to somebody. I had seen doctors and therapists before, but never with the intention of fixing anything that really ran deep. I didn’t have the mental equipment to let anyone see me for anything other than what I’d become, which was strong. And because of that strength, I wasn’t about to sit in a doctor’s office and cry. Crying for other people, my friends, about their problems, sure. But crying for myself about myself was absolutely out of the question. So I sat down, this guy’s name is Dan, he’s a psychiatrist, and I said, “I have a lot of anger and outrage about Donald Trump,” “and people are running when they see me coming.” “I’m losing friends. I’m losing family members.” He said, “Let’s talk about that.” I said, “I travel a lot.” “I’m in airports a lot. And I check in to the first-class lounge,” “and then I immediately go over to the Fox News section” “and start going off on people.” I’m like, “You fuckin’ racist!” And then I run out. And then I come back and I’m like, “Do you have a daughter that doesn’t have any rights? ‘Cause she won’t.” And then I run back in; I’m like, “Are you still a racist?” Dan is really understanding, he’s like, “It’s a really tricky time right now.” “Emotions are high. A lot of people are enervated.” I said, “Dan, I went to the airport today, and I didn’t have a flight.” I told him that, before the election, my biggest privileged decision was whether or not to install a waterslide off of my bedroom balcony into my pool for the next time my friends and I did molly. And then I told him, the day after the election, I’m driving around the streets of Bel Air, where I live, passing out water bottles and blankets to the Mexican workers in my neighborhood, going, “You belong here!” And them looking at me like, “We’re not all illegal, you racist bitch.” Cheers! I told him I had read this book by Viktor Frankl called Man’s Search for Meaning, and in the book there was a line that made me put the book down. And the line said, “Stop thinking about what you expect out of life, and start thinking about what life expects out of you.” I was like, “What?” I’d never thought about what life was expecting from me. I was thinking about what I was gonna get, always about me and my family and my friends and my homes, my vacations. I was taking, without thinking about my contribution.
And I told Dan, I said, “I have to do better. I wanna do better; I need somebody to help me do better.” I said, “But I feel so hopeless,” “I had read an article that men were masturbating into plants.” That’s happening. When did that start? Please stand up if you’ve done that and explain it. Please, get up. If somebody’s done that here, you need to come forward. Why did that start? I mean, honestly, guys, only a man would do such a thing. Poor plants. They’ve been sitting around for how many millions of millennia, minding their own… giving us air to breathe. And then cavemen come running along with their dicks waving, and plants are like, “My God. What is gonna happen now?” “Are we gonna get ejaculated on?” Talk about picking a victim that can’t get away. Sickos. Only a man would see a plant and be like… Only a man would do that. No woman has ever done it. In the history of the world, no woman is like, “Where’s a cactus?” Never! Never ever, ever. Not one time. I’m willing to vouch for all women everywhere. Not in the history of the world or in the future history of the world will a woman ever have said that she has done that or will we catch one doing it.
That was a disappointing revelation. It’s not like women don’t get turned on at inappropriate times. We do. I get a manicure and a pedicure every week. And she does that forearm massage this spot right here is my sweet spot. When somebody touches that, I’m like… I flutter my eyes, start to twitch, and I’m like… And then I’m like, open your eyes. You’re at a nail salon. You can’t do that right now. You’re in public, you sick bitch. You can’t audibly moan while you’re getting a massage. That’s not okay. And in that moment, when she does that, I’m vulnerable. I would like it to continue in different ways, maybe. When she does the little dipsy doo, if she… even if in that moment, if she tried to just go a little bit too far, like, up the leg, and a little dipsy doodle, like, a little… Itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the water spout. Down came the rain… If in that moment she did do that, I might be like, “Yeah, quick.” “Do it, get in, quick, before anybody else walks in.” I might even return the favor. I doubt it, but I might.
I’m talking to my new psychiatrist about this. And I was like, “Dan, I’m thinking I’m lit.” “You know, I know I’m, like, woke, and I know my shit.” I’d started filming a documentary for Netflix about white privilege. And on the very first day of shooting, Netflix called me and said I had to go to sexual harassment training. I was like… again? And I had been on set and this Black woman sang this song and I went to go hug her and after I hugged her, I smacked her on the ass. I said, “Way to go, sister.” She did not like that. But I didn’t understand why I had to go to sexual har… I was like, “Why is this sexual harassment? I’m not hitting on her. I’m straight.” And they’re like, “No, it’s not about that. You have to call this woman and apologize to her, and you have to get her to accept your apology.” And I was like… and I was defensive. And so I called her, and I was like, “I was just trying to say,” “‘Hey, go girl.’ Like, sisterhood.” And she said, “It doesn’t matter what your intention was. “It’s how I received it, and you… Black women have been defined by their hair and their asses since the beginning of time. You have no right to touch my body.” And she was right. I have no right to touch her body or anybody else’s. So I was sitting there talking to Dan, and I was like, “But can I still touch white people?” And he said, “No, no, you can’t touch anyone, Chelsea. It’s unwelcome.” And I was like, “But that’s how my family and I communicate.” I see my sister, I grab her by the Pikachu. I’m like, “Beep, beep!” He’s like, “You definitely shouldn’t be doing that with family.”
And that was a wake-up call, ’cause she was right and I was wrong. It’s not about your intention; It’s about the reception. And any time you’re defensive, especially about racism, you’re fuckin’ wrong. If you’re a person who doesn’t think that “white privilege” is a real thing, then you’re a person who’s choosing to be part of the problem rather than being part of the solution. Because the world is only getting browner and gayer, so you better hop on board. So that was lesson number one, but not from Dan, but I talked it through with him. And then he wanted to know about my family history. I was like, that’s not what this is about. Nothin to see there. I was like, my brother died when I was a little girl; My mom died, like, 8 or 10 years ago; My dad’s a huge pain in the ass, so hopefully he’ll wrap things up. And I said, “And quite frankly, like, I’m ready to wrap it up, too.” I said, “Dan, I’m not suicidal. You don’t have to worry about it. But people say life is too short. I think it’s too long.” There’s so many annoying people out here and I just can’t deal with it. I said, “I’m losing my patience, and I need you to help me with my lack of patience.” And he said, “Okay. Give me some examples of your lack of patience.” I was at a table like this, probably a little bigger, with three of my girlfriends before my session that day with Dan. My girlfriend orders a turkey burger, no onion, no bun, no cheese. That’s fine. We live in LA. So the server comes over with his hands full, with four plates, and comes over and we’re all sitting at a table. We’re not even talking. And he says, “Turkey burger? Who ordered the turkey burger, no onion, no bun, no cheese?” And my friend is just sitting there like Stevie Wonder playing the piano. And he says it again, louder, “Turkey burger. No onion, no bun, no cheese.” And this is her. I go, “Hey, you fucking cunt! Wake up! Is that your turkey burger? You can’t order that and then forget that you ordered that.” I said, “So that’s one example. Would you like to hear another?” He said, “Yes, please go on.” I said, “Airports, airports. I can’t deal with the people that work at Hudson Booksellers. What’s wrong with those people? What’s up with the slowness of the transaction? I can’t deal with the slowness of the transaction “when I wanna buy a book. Are those people… Are they koala bears?” He said, “How do you handle that?” I go, “I have to shoplift. I have to.” “I get the book, and I wave it to the security camera…” Always, I always say, ‘Hey, it’s me, Chelsea Handler, I’m taking this ’cause your koala bear is on a branch somewhere in the back.” I’m like, “I’m gonna leave 40 bucks here, and hopefully they’ll find it when she comes out from her nap, if she’ll find it before a stranger does, but it’s on this bookshelf. I didn’t steal. I’m leaving,” and then I skedaddle. And Dan was looking at me when I said that. I was like, “What? Is that white privilege too?” He’s like, “No, Chelsea. White people aren’t even doing that.” I told him, anything hotel related, “I spend tons of times in hotels,” and I get home at, like, 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, “I want my snack. I call down,” I order what I want from room service, and that’s too slow.” At 1:30 in the morning, there should be, like, a double speed, where people are quicker and more alert, or just quicker. Then they wanna repeat the order back to me. It’s like, please, whatever you think you heard, just bring double. And don’t say “chicken fingers” out loud again. I’m 45 years old. I don’t wanna have this conversation. Do you know how humiliating it is to call you in the first place and order this at 1:30 in the morning? And now you wanna go over it and shame me again? Just bring them. And then they bring them and that’s a whole episode in and of itself. It’s like, with the cart and the fork and the knife and they set me up like I’m fine dining at 2:00 in the morning with some chicken fingers. As if I’m going to use a fork and a knife to cut up my chicken fingers. You could throw them across the room and I will catch them in my mouth. Then I have to pretend I have a fake daughter that’s, you know, in the bath. “My daughter’s getting out of the bath. Can you wrap this up, please? Get the fuck out of here.” I said, “I could get annoyed during a hotel massage, Dan. That’s the kind of bitch I am.” The way they talk to you after a 45 minute Swedish massage is ridiculous, “You’re gonna wanna be careful… getting up.” Why? Did you amputate my legs? Why do I need to be careful getting up? This is supposed to be more relaxing, not stressful. And then they hand you a gross Dixie cup of room-temperature water. It’s like, “I don’t want that.” “You’re gonna wanna drink a lot of water.” No, I won’t. Fuckin’ hate water. The only thing more offensive to me than room-temperature water is room-temperature sparkling water. That is like, “Fuck you and your family.” So I said, “So what do you think I have after all of this?” I said, “What do you think it is, Dan? What? ADD? What?” He said… “I don’t know if you have ADD.” He’s like, “I have no idea if you have that. You could take a test for that.” It’s like, great. He said, “It’s eight hours long.” I was like, “Let’s just operate under the assumption that I have it.” He said, “I think you lack empathy.” I was like, “Like a Republican?” And I had him draw the distinction for me between sympathy and empathy because I couldn’t remember. I said, “Wait, sympathy is what?” “Sympathy is when you feel sorry for somebody, or you feel badly. Somebody’s going through a bad time and you help them.” I said, “I’ve got that.” I would do that for any of you sitting here. I would do that for strangers. Yeah, I’ve got sympathy. He said, “Empathy is actually thinking about what it’s like to be that person that’s going through a difficult time… Actually thinking about what it’s like to be in their shoes. Have you ever done that?” I was like, “Oh, no.” I was like, “That’s depressing. No.” He said, “You need to think about the woman that’s working at the Hudson Booksellers store. You need to think about the fact that she may have more than one job, or that she has to deal with people like you all day long. You have to think about the fact that she’s got a family at home.” And I’m like… “I have to think about all those koala bears?” But it made sense, and I was clicking. Paying somebody to tell you what is wrong with you is a great transaction. I was like, no friends are gonna tell you, I was like, “Okay, great.” I’m like, “How do I get empathy? Is there an app I can download?” And he said, “Can you think of any experiences that you’ve had recently where you lacked empathy?” I was like, “Yeah.” And all these light bulbs went on in my head, and I remembered going to this movie with one of my gay friends. It was called “Call Me By Your Name.” It came out three years ago. And I didn’t know what the movie was when we went in, but five minutes in, I did. And I was like, “What is this?” I go, “A gay love story?” He goes, “Yeah. Shut up.” I go, “You’re so selfish.” And Dan looked at me: “Do you know why that’s wrong?” I go, “I think so. ‘Cause gay people have had to sit through “straight people’s love stories since the beginning of fucking time.” And he goes, “Yeah.”
So now at my house, all I have on a loop, all day long is gay porn. Out of respect. Finding out I lacked empathy was, like, a huge light bulb, and I was so excited. I was on board with therapy, and he got me from that. I’m like, “You’re right. I don’t have empathy.” “Okay, let’s go, what else? He said “What about relationships?” I’m like, “No good. I’m not good at that.” “Do you want to be in a relationship?” I’m like, “Whatever you say, I’ll do. If you think I should be in one, I’ll go find somebody.” “It’s tricky ’cause everybody annoys me, and men annoy me. Their belts annoy me, their shoes, everything about them.” “But if we’re gonna do something, we should lock something down quick.” I’m in a denim onesie right now. I have orthotics in every pair of my shoes. One of my eyes is going bald. I have to shave my face in the shower in the morning to get rid of this facial hair that I’m starting to grow. I used aftershave the other day for the first time. Either I’m transitioning and I don’t know it… or I’m in decline. I saw my elbow in the mirror. I was like, is that an iguana? What happened? And why does it look like a butt? The other day I coughed, and liquid came out of my vagina. That, I blame on 50 Cent. And I went to my doctor, and she was, like, doing my hormone testing, and she’s like, “Okay, sweetie, you’re low on testosterone.” I’m like, “I don’t think I’m low on testosterone.” I’m like, “I could give a man some testosterone.” I’m like, “I’m very aggressive.” She’s like, “That’s not testosterone.” So she said “You have none.” And she said, “It’s just better that you replace your hormones when you start to lose them.” And I’m like… So I started taking testosterone, which is some cream you have to rub on your leg like an older woman. I was like, okay, well, here we go. I’m just heading into elderly territory. Then I go back to the same doctor, two months later and I was like, “My hair is really thin on top. Do you know what that could be from?” And she’s like, “Well, are you on testosterone?” I’m like “Yeah, bitch, you prescribed it to me. Don’t you remember? What are you? A vet?” “What are the side effects of… What is testosterone even doing for me?” I don’t want to lose my hair. And one of my eyelashes… One of my eyes is almost bald. I have two eyelashes that have come in over the past two years. Like, none will sprout. And she says, “It helps with your sex drive.” I’m like, “So you want me to be bald and horny?” And then what? What’s the game plan after that? Just play solitaire all by myself every night?
The thing is, I like older men. When I was 20, that was fine, ’cause they were 40. When I was 30, I dated a 50-year-old. When I was 35, I dated a 55-year-old. I’m 45. I’m not down to fuck a 65-year-old. Okay, that margin needs to close. I’m all for 65-year-olds, and I’ll fuck you when I get to be your age. But not now. It’s too much. There is an age where men either start to look like women, or they get the slippery lips, where their mouths turn into Jacuzzis. And that’s when I skedaddled.
Which brings me to the strong and deep sexual feelings that I have developed for Andrew Cuomo. I know we all feel it. A lot of women are feeling it. When he came on the scene, he looked like the Incredible Hulk also. That big Italian gorilla. It’s like, “Put on your mask,” I’m like, “I’ll put my mask on.” He’s the kind of asshole that I will do shit for. And you know he’s an asshole, and that’s what I like about him. An old-fashioned asshole who’s gonna tell me to sit down and shut up. I want him to flatten my curve and then I wanna flatten his curve. And then I want us to apex together. And he can mansplain to me all night long about fishing or motorcycles or whatever dumb shit he’s into that I will pretend that I am into, because that’s how down I am with him. Guess who’s not jerking off into plants? Andrew Cuomo. I want him to govern me… multiple times. I imagine us spending long weekends together in the Adirondacks, playing games of “Clue,” a game I thought I had already mastered that he’s teaching me entirely new strategies to. I imagine him getting very sick and me having the only medication that can make him better. Two doxycycline… twice a day for ten days. Never on an empty stomach. I would keep him slightly dehydrated so wouldn’t get the slippery lips. Because he’s got them. He’s on the cusp of exactly what I’m talking about. That big mouth, and it’s wet, and in two more years, he’s gonna be able to swallow me like a meatball sub. But I need to get in there quick. Once the curve flattens for good, so will my crush. I told Dan that I mostly hook up on vacation when I travel internationally, ’cause there’s a language barrier, and that works to my advantage when people can’t really understand what I’m saying. We went on a scuba diving trip with my girlfriend for her 40th birthday. We all had to get certified and I’m not really good in a classroom setting. So I wasn’t paying attention, and they were like, everyone needs a buddy. I’m like, “I don’t want to be anybody’s buddy, I’m not gonna help anybody with their oxygen tank. Like, everyone’s… I can’t, I’m not the girl for that.” And my counsin is, like, “I’ll be your buddy.” I’m like, “But I’m not gonna save you, so, like, we should split up, and I should go with one of the guides.” They had two divemasters. And we’re in French Polynesia, and we’re shark diving. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m like, I can’t get my mask on normal. I’m already underwater and shit is, like, messed up all of a sudden. I’m, like, trying to tie my sneaker underwater. That’s the kind of situation I was in. And she pulls on my leg. And I freak out, and I look down, and there’s this huge blacktip reef shark, and underwater, you can’t tell if it’s five feet away or 20 feet away. So I go to kick it immediately. And I go back, ’cause I have my scuba tank on, and my goggles fill up with all this water, and I can’t see anything. I’m sitting there, waiting to be eaten by a shark, and I can’t see. You can’t ascend when you scuba dive ’cause you could hurt yourself and your equilibrium, you can screw that up. I’m panicking and having, I think, my very first panic attack. I don’t know what else you could describe it as. I’m like… And all of a sudden, my divemaster comes down, smashes my mask against my face, looks me in the eye, and he’s like… Breathe. And then he holds my hand. I’m like, “I’m gonna fuck you. As soon as we get to land, I’m gonna fuck the shit out of you. This the hottest rescue I’ve ever had. My God, I love a man in charge of me.” We did the rest of our dive holding hands like an underwater couple. I’ve never been so happy. My friends were all looking at me, giving me the finger underwater. Then we got to the top after our dive, and we got in the little boat, and he took his mask off and I was like, “Whoopsie doodle. You’re gonna wanna put that back on.” I was skiing in Switzerland once and I wiped out really badly and I ended up tearing my ACL. And so I’m, like, tumbling down this mountain. I was skiing out of control, and I paid the price for it. As I’m crashing, I hear… And I’m like, my God, my legs are gone. I’ll just be a floating neck when I stop. And I stopped, finally, and I look up at my Austrian ski guide, and he’s smoking a cigarette. He’s like… “You just tore your ACL. Helicopter is coming.” I was like, “Helicopter? This is exciting.” And a helicopter came in, we’re in the Swiss Alps, and my three girlfriends are just staring at me like, “Again?” And they come down, and these two medics run out and they run over to me and I’m lying on the ground. And they’re like, “Are you okay?” And I’m trying to be tough. I’m like, “Yes, I’m okay.” They’re like, “Are you in pain?” I’m like, “Nope.” And they’re like, “No morphine?” I’m like, “I’m in pain!”
And then they whisk me away on the stretcher back to the helicopter, and I get in the helicopter. The wind is blowing; The propellers are blowing; There’s snow everywhere. It was so romantic. And I get in, and there’s two pilots and two medics. I’m like, I’m gonna fuck all four of these guys. I’m like, this is gonna be like a reverse gangbang. Look at me! So turned on, so turned on by that rescue. But it was a 45-minute ride to the hospital and they had these thick German accents and I’m a Jew, so I was like, I’m not fuckin’ these guys. Not giving these Nazis another victory. I’ll take one of you, but not all four, not today. When I finished telling Dan that, he was looking at me funny and he said, “I really think you need to settle down. “You need to stop. You’re moving very, very fast.” And it seems to me that you could benefit a lot from meditation.” And I was like… Meditation, to me, sounded like room-temperature water. And he said, “I want you to commit to meditation for three months.” And I was like, “Three months? That’s like a pregnancy.” And he was like, “That’s nine months, Chelsea. Pregnancy is nine months, and you know that.” I go, “Dan, some are nine, some are three, some are one. Don’t even get me started.” And then cannabis became legal in the state of California. There was all of this education that has been missing for all of these years with cannabis. You no longer had to take a cookie and find out you were on a transcontinental flight 7 hours later. Cannabis became my gateway drug into meditating. It allowed me to, like, slow down. It was cannabis, meditation, therapy. And it was working. I was slowing down. And I was thinking before I spoke, which, before I met Dan, was something that never even occurred to me. And with microdosing, you know, you could take, like, 2 1/2 milligrams, 1 milligram, 5 milligrams, you take a blueberry, you’re never gonna be off your rocker. It sanded down the edges, and I stopped watching the news 24 hours a day and I stopped being so angry at Donald Trump and Ivanka. I was able to focus on other things, I was able to be happier and lighter and I started drinking less, which was a sentence that I thought would never ever come out of my mouth. I was so excited because now cannabis can be a drug that you control, not a drug that controls you. So I was excited about the prospects of cannabis, not only in my life, but all my friends’ and family’s lives. All the people I’ve been prescribing medication to were now getting cannabis instead. Anybody who had trouble sleeping, I’m like, try this gummy. Anybody who had anxiety, I’m like, try this edible, try this mint, try this chocolate, covered blueberry. It was helping all sorts of people, and I was doing research and collecting data and I was keeping notes in my medical journal. The best part, I think, about edibles is that you take a little edible, and then sometimes you forget you’ve taken one, and then, like, 45 minutes later, you’re like… Everything’s a little bit more sparkly. Everybody’s a little bit less fuckin’ annoying, and you’re like, yeah, I could talk to you for another hour. So my family came out to visit me in LA for Thanksgiving, and my sister’s a recovering Mormon, and I said, “I want you to try this. I know you don’t like fun, but do you wanna try this chocolate-covered blueberry?” I said, “I think you’re gonna like it.” And she’s like, “Yeah, I’ll try it.” And she loved it. She came back into the kitchen an hour later. She goes, “Sissy, I feel so warm and fuzzy.” I go, “Isn’t it great?” And she goes, “My God, yes. This is better than drinking. This is just-I love everybody.” And I’m like, “I know. Do you want another one?” She said, “Can I?” I go, “Oh, yeah.” And I put in my medical journal, “She’s taking two.” An hour later, she walked into the living room from the kitchen with a frozen ham underneath her arm. And I’m like, “What’s that about? You wanna cook a ham right now?” She’s like, “No, I opened the freezer and this reminded me of Mom.” I was like, “Sissy, let’s go to bed.” So we went upstairs, and we got into bed. I took the frozen ham and I threw it in the sauna. I was like, this will be ready at some point. And we got into bed, and we were just, like, snuggling and cuddling like sisters do, and we were laughing and it was so fun. And it was like we were like little girls. And she was like, “My God. This the best feeling.” “I can’t believe we’re in our 40s and we still get to act like this. How long are we gonna be able to act like this?” I’m like, “Sissy, we will always be able to act like this.” Then I stuck my finger in her butt, and she passed right out. So I walked into Dan’s office after my family left, and I was like, “Hey, Dan.” I go, “Cannabis has changed my life. I’m meditating”. I was meditating every morning for 20 minutes. I was going to the airport. I wasn’t even going to the Fox News lounge. I wasn’t yelling at people who disagreed with me politically. I was trying to have compassion and empathy. And I was being more patient, and I was holding my tongue more. And I said, “Cannabis is the way to keep families together. Like, this is the best family vacation we’ve ever had. Like, everyone got along. It was fun.” And he said, “Great. I’m in support of that.” And he handed me an orange, very casually. He said, “I picked this off my tree this morning. I thought you might like an orange.” And I was revolted. I was like, “Orange?”
First of all, he knows how I feel about this color since the election. And then I burst into tears, and I was so embarrassed, ’cause he had not seen me cry and I didn’t want him to see me cry. And I immediately put up the orange in front of my eyes. I was holding it, and then I was stabbing it with my thumb, so the citrus was squirting into my eyes. I was like, “Shit.” And then I was really crying, I was, like, convulsively crying. And there was snot coming out of everywhere. And then at one point, somehow, snot had alley-ooped up to my forehead and then dropped back down to my chin. I looked like Brett Kavanaugh during his senate confirmation hearing. Like a big white male baby! And finally, I dropped it. And I looked at him, and I knew I had no way out. And I said, “I need to tell you about the day my brother died and what happened to my family.” And I told him about my brother, that there were six of us, and I was the youngest. I was the baby, and my brother Chet was the oldest. He was the only family member who understood that I was born going through menopause, that I was a sweaty baby, and that I would have to retire somewhere probably in the Arctic. He was the only person in my family who knew that when I ate soup, I had to be topless, ’cause I would immediately start sweating. And when I was a little girl, that was fine. But when I was eight, I remember we had this summer house in Martha’s Vineyard, and my buds had come in. They weren’t really boobs yet, but they were flappy titties, where your nipple just goes down before it’s gonna burst. And I remember hearing my father say to my brother, “You gotta cover her up if you go into town now. She can’t be topless anymore.” ‘Cause I walked around topless my entire childhood. And I remember hearing that. I’m like, “What’s he talking about?” My brother took me into town to go to this place called the Quarterdeck, where we would always get fast food. It wasn’t fast food, but it was, like, you know, a Vineyard place. You get takeout fried clams, a lobster roll or steamers… And I remember that day. I was sitting there, and I was holding my brother’s hand at the takeout counter, and I was like, “I’ll have the clam chowder.” He’s like, “Whoa…” He goes; “No let’s not do soup today.” And I said, “What do you mean? I want clam chowder.” He’s like, “We can’t have that today. Like, we can take it to go, but we can’t sit out and eat clam chowder. We’ll explain it to you when we get home.” I was like, “But I really want it.” And he said, “Okay. If you really want it, we can go in my car and you can eat it in the car.” And I was like, “All right, whatever.” And I’ll never forget that day. I sat in my brother’s car eating my clam chowder with my top off, just sweating. And my brother had his back against the passenger’s side window to cover up the little eight-year-old girl that was nude in his car. Just like R. Kelly. And we used to have this game where we’d be, he’d come home from work, and he’d come running up to my parents’ room, and I was always hiding under the covers in my mom’s bed. And he’d come up and go, “Where is she?” It’d be at 11:00 at night. And I’d hide under the covers and my mom would be like, “She’s not here.” I’d be like, “Shut up, Mom. You’re not even in this game.” And then he’d grab me by the ankles under the covers, throw me over his shoulders and we’d run downstairs and we’d go into the kitchen and I’d make him a big bowl of Raisin Bran. I knew the right ratio of Raisin Bran to bananas to milk that he liked. And I would make him his dinner and then we’d sit there like a couple and talk about our day. And I remember him telling me he wasn’t coming to Martha’s Vineyard that year because he was going on a hiking trip in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. And I was mad because I would always drive up with him, and he would leave the window down the whole way so I could have fresh air blowing in my face and be topless. He said, “Don’t worry. I’ll meet you in two weeks on the Vineyard. I will never, ever leave you with these people.” And then he went to Jackson Hole, Wyoming, and fell off a cliff and died three days later. And Dan said, “What… then what happened?” And I said, “I just remember going into the kitchen and throwing away all the cereal. Like, cereal was over. It was a wrap on it. Childhood was over. Our family was over. I haven’t had cereal since that day.” And he said, “What happened with your family?” And I said, “It was awful.” My father was this big, strong man who was in charge of everything and didn’t fuck around. I’d never seen my father cry. And I remember sitting shiva… What Jews do when people die with all these relatives and neighbors and strangers coming to our house, and my dad, who was so strong and so in charge, sitting on the couch like a baby, crying. And I was looking at him, and I was so embarrassed. I was like, “What are you doing? What is happening, he’s dead, and you’re gonna… what are you doing? Where the fuck are the adults? I’m nine, what is happening?” And I remember, I thought, I gotta grow up. This is it. It’s over. And at some point, we went back to Martha’s Vineyard, to our summer house, and my dad was sitting on the deck, and we had a house in front of the water. And he was sitting on the deck, and my parents’ faces had changed after my brother died. They were just old, all of the sudden. And they were gray, and gray in the face, and I wanted joy back. I didn’t know what was happening. I wanted to bring joy to them again. I wanted them to laugh again. I wanted… anything to happen. And I remember I walked outside and I saw my father sitting there, just holding his head. And it was a beautiful sunny day, and I said, “Dad, can we please just go in the water?” I was like, “Please?” And he said, “No one’s going in the water. My boy is dead.” And I walked off the deck, and I thought, I’m gonna go in alone. And the only rule in my family growing up was you could not swim by yourself. You could shoot heroin or hide a body, but you could not swim alone. “Jaws” was filmed on Martha’s Vineyard. We were scared of the mechanical shark. But I didn’t care, ’cause… and I was so scared to defy my father. My father would… he would smack me. I was scared of him, especially in that state. But I didn’t care because my need for joy was paramount to my fear. And I walked off the deck, and I remember walking down to the water, and I just said, keep going. I got in the water, and I swam out, like, 20 yards and I turned around. And he had gone inside. And… Dan said, “Sit with that feeling.” And I said, “I can’t. It’s too painful.” He said, “Sit with it. What do you feel right now?” I’m like, “I’m so angry.” And he said, “Yes, but what’s underneath the anger?” And I’m like, “Hurt. I’m fucking hurt. I’m hurt that my brother went off and ditched me when he told me he was gonna come back. And then my father ditched me.” And he said, “Yes, what’s underneath the hurt?” I’m like, “I’m paying you to tell me what’s underneath the hurt.” He said, “Rejection. You took that as rejection, because that’s what a nine-year-old girl thinks. It doesn’t matter that your brother had a hiking accident. It matters that he told you he was coming back and he didn’t come back, so for a nine-year-old little girl, he rejected you. And then your father rejected you, so you were broken up with twice. This is why, when I handed you an orange, you were revolted, because it requires you to be vulnerable with a man, and you don’t trust men, because the two men you trusted the most lied.” He said, “This is where your lack of empathy comes in.”
How are you meant to have empathy for anyone when you’ve never even grieved yourself? You’ve never allowed yourself to because you had to be strong.” And I’m looking at him, hearing these things, and I’m like…” My God, I wanna fuck you, too.” He’s like, “You don’t wanna fuck me.” I’m like, “I do in this moment.” He’s like, “No, you want someone to take care of you. That’s why you hire guides and why you hook up with guides, ’cause you’re paying them to take care of you.” “And you’re also paying them, technically, to have sex with you.” I’m like, “Dan, that’s too far.”
I didn’t know that my brother’s death was defining me. I didn’t know that I had the ability to say no to being defined by death. Now I was with a person who could help me process what happened and turn the parts of me that still acted like a nine-year-old little girl into a self-actualized adult who had come to a better understanding of what it means to dig deep and admit that you’re in pain, thereby relinquishing that pain or beginning to relinquish that pain. My brother dying no longer had to define my existence. It’s part of who I am, perhaps the biggest part, but it’s not all of me. I define me. I decide who I am. No event or person does this. I decide how I’m going to behave and I know now that vulnerability is not weakness, that vulnerability is strength.
So I was excited. I went home. I was packing my bags. I was leaving for Clearwater, Florida, to visit the Scientologists… to try and knock some sense into them. And I got on my plane, and I was feeling so good. I had the information that I needed to understand why I reacted… I wasn’t mad at Donald Trump. Of course I hate Donald Trump, but that was representative of the other time my life became unhinged. It was a trigger, a word I never thought I would use. But it made sense. And I was putting all these pieces together, and I was so grateful. I was sitting on the plane, and I saw this large man walking towards me. And I was like, I hope he doesn’t sit next to me. I could tell by his body type that he was a Trump supporter. He looked like a swollen tick. And he had these denim pants. They weren’t pants, they weren’t denim. They looked denim, but they were cloth. And I was like… that is tricky. I don’t like that, and then I was, no. You don’t judge people based on their denim-looking pants. This person is a man with a family. Stop looking at the exterior and start thinking about the interior of people. That’s what Dan taught me. I was like, this is a man with a family. I immediately closed my eyes. Like, this is an opportunity. This is an opportunity to talk to somebody who voted for Donald Trump and actually be kind and generous and understand or try to understand why they would do something like that. So I closed my eyes, and I’m doing my breathing, I’m like, okay, opportunity… I’m like, think about his family; He’s got a wife. I’m like, well, she probably hates him too. I’m like, no. I’m like, no, Chelsea. Wives love husbands usually. I mean, just… no, he has children. He’s someone’s father. And I’m like, they fuckin’ hate him too. If they saw him in these shorts, they’d fuckin’ be pissed too. And I was like, no, no, no. Then I was like, okay, I can do this. I ordered a bowl of cereal for my first time in 30 years. I’m gonna have a bowl of cereal with a side of Republican. And I took my first bite of cereal, that’s when I smelled my first fart. There were eight. I know this because I counted, because they were like tsunamis. You thought one was over, and then it was done, a tsunami happens, and the water recedes, and people come down from the trees, and they’re like, “Okay, it’s gone.” And then, fuck, another wave is coming. That’s what that was like. So the first one, I was like, whoa… Is that me? Did I fart? And then there was the second one, I’m like, he’s farting on me. This Trump supporter is really checking me right now. This is really testing me. And then I’m thinking, like, my God, he needs a panty shield. Like, he needs something. He definitely needs a doxycycline. So I went in my bag, and I got some out. I took one, I put one on his plate, but I closed my eyes. And I was like, just breathe. You can deal with this too. This is just another challenge. And then I realized I was sucking the air from his asshole into my nose. And I was like, no… Remembered the Lamaze from my fake daughter, and I was like… and I kept my eyes shut. I obviously lost my appetite. I didn’t eat anything else. And when the flight attendant came over to clear my tray, I didn’t even look up. I just sat there trying to get myself together. And then finally, he got up to go to the bathroom. And when he did, she came back over, and she said, “Are you okay?” And I’m like, “Are you?” And then I turned around to look at the other hostages… I was like, “People are going to pass away on this flight.” She said, “Hopefully he’s just in the bathroom now getting rid of it.” I said, “What? You can’t say that.” I was like, “Getting rid of it? You need to call ahead to the airport… Do you have a hospital there? He’s gonna need a colonoscopy. You need to see if there’s a doctor or a vet on board, okay? He went to Chipotle, and things took a hard left turn.” And he comes out of the bathroom, and she scuttles away, and I’m like, God, I’m like, okay… You have to think of the most loving way to tell someone to stop farting. So he comes walking over, and he sits down and it’s loud and… I said, “Sir, will you please stop what you’re doing?” And he said, “Excuse me?” I go, “Stop it with your butt.” Then I covered my eyes and I sat like this for the rest of the flight, rocking myself like a baby. “Don’t say anything else, don’t be a cunt, don’t start a confrontation.” You’ve farted too. You’ve farted too, okay. You’ve had bad situations. Remember Panda Express? Don’t judge him… And I was so excited. We were descending. I was like, you did it, you didn’t do anything. If that had just been six months ago-six months before I had gone to therapy, just six months… He would have gone to the bathroom. I would’ve formed a gang. I would be the leader of the gang. I would’ve lurched at him like this, grabbed him by the neck, pinned him down on the floor, ’cause I have strength like that, and flipped him over like a baby and stapled his asshole shut. But I didn’t do that because I’m growing. And they’re called baby steps. So as we were leaving the plane, the plane had landed, he gathered his stuff, I didn’t make eye contact. We never had the relationship I thought we could have because he ruined it with his asshole. And the flight attendant came over as I was leaving, and she’s like, “It was a pleasure having you on board.” I was like, “Yeah, thank you.” I was like, “The pleasure was all yours.” And she said, “Can I ask you something?” And I was like, “Yeah, of course.” And she said, “I heard a funny story about you once.” I was like, “Really?” I go, “Which one?” “I heard you were so high once you tried to get off a plane mid-flight.” I said, “I’ve heard that story too.” I said, “That was Elizabeth Banks.”
Thank you, guys! Does anybody want some complementary oranges? There you go. Thank you, New Jersey. It’s good to be home. Yeah! Thank you, guys! I love you guys. Thank you.