Bryan Callen: Never Grow up (2017) – Transcript

Bryan Callen: Never Grow Up
Year: 2017
Directed by: John Brenkus
Written by: Bryan Callen
Starring: Bryan Callen | Comedian
Release date: October 3, 2017

Plot: Bryan Callen discusses his dreams as a boy, his unique upbringing and what he wishes to pass on to his children.

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Transcript

Note for Students & Writers: This transcript is archived here for educational purposes, critical analysis, and screenwriting study. All rights belong to the original creators.

male announcer: Please give a big Irvine round of applause.

My brother from another mother: Mr. Bryan Callen.

[cheers and applause]

[applause continues]

What’s up, Irvine? What’s up?

[cheers and applause]

I love it!

My God.

What a crazy– what a crazy job.

This is so nuts.

Like, I don’t know any of you, and you’re all looking at me like this.

And I got to solve that problem for the next hour.

It’s–it’s so anticlimactic, though.

It’s so awesome. You guys are, like, “Ahhh!”

And then I’m like– then I got to go into jokes.

Like, if you’re a musician, you’d be like, “One! Two! Three!”

I want to– I want to do something.

I want to– I’d love to just, like–

I swear to God, I want to be the one comic that just starts things off.

Like, I want to pull my pants off and release doves.

Wouldn’t that be cool?

I don’t know how you’d do that. But I was like, “Dahhh!”

And you guys–“His dick!” But then doves.

I can’t believe I do this for a living.

This is so–you’re never encouraged to do that.

I got in trouble for this my whole life.

Nobody, when you’re a kid– nobody’s like, “You”–in algebra– “Keep not paying attention.

“Keep doing–keep disrupting the class.

“Every time I turn my back, keep chewing your tongue and mock jerking off.”

That was my go-to. I’d be like, “I’m bored.

I need attention. Mmmmm!”

Still works. Look.

It’s unbelievable.

Just like, men are supposed to be, like serious.

Like, the more manly you get on the man scale– like, if you go from least manly, like librarian, to superhero– like, as you climb that ladder, the more serious you are.

My dad was a Marine. That dude never even smiled.

That dude–a man, like, traditionally, you’re supposed to have a grimace, like…[grunts]

You don’t–no smiling. Just…[grunts], you know.

And you grunt. Just–ehh! Grunt!

You do–ehh! You know.

Never–and never, ever, laugh.

A real man never laughs unless he’s taking a life.

And then, “Heh, heh, heh, heh.”

That’s the only time.

It’s the only time.

Otherwise, you grimace and you grunt, because you do things that require grimacing and grunting.

You fight, you punch, you work with your hands, you–

I don’t know what this is.

I’m unscrewing a huge jar. Whatever.

But that’s what your life is.

A fight, it’s work, and you have sex some– you reward yourself some– but same intensity.

Ehhh! You know, you have the same…

If a real man is behind a closed door, you don’t know if he’s fighting, fucking, or doing chores.

You don’t know, man.

It’s crazy, man.

None of the great men– none of the great men were funny.

I was thinking, I’ll never be historically significant.

I went through the whole list of all the great men, like Copernicus and Galileo and Freud and Newton.

Einstein–Einstein was witty, but he wasn’t– he wasn’t, like–you know, you don’t read about him being a silly goose, as well.

You don’t… he wasn’t like, “Well, when protons stick to a helium isotope, “you got to make sure you stabilize the electrons.

“Now, if the electrons do disappear, you might want to check your butt.”

[giggling]

Eh… you know what I mean?

Like, I went through the list. Like, Gandhi–

Martin Luther King never told a fart joke.

I guarantee.

Nobody was laughing during his speeches.

Maybe racists were, but that’s it.

That’s the only people.

It’s weird. I’m just–I’m funnier than all those people.

I know, I know.

It’s weird to have one skill set that’s better than all the great men.

Even Jesus.

No, I don’t– no, I don’t know.

I’m just saying, I’m sure he was awesome.

He’s better at everything.

I just don’t know how funny he was.

I don’t know.

I’ve been to church; I read the Bible.

Never laughed once, man.

I’m just–I don’t–

I’m–no, I don’t know.

I’m sure–look, walking on water, amazing.

But stand-up is diff– I’m really– this takes a long time, man.

There’s no–I’m just saying, if I do an hour, and then he were to come on just out of the gates, first time, you think he’s gonna be funnier?

Get the fuck out–not a shot.

I’m sorry. Even the Pope.

Even the Pope would be like, “Eh, Bryan’s funnier than the Lord.”

I think.

It’s weird to start my show off saying I’m funnier than God, but…

I get so nervous, man.

I got–I got to start–

I really, truly feel like I have to get more religious.

I feel like I got to– ’cause I just feel so lucky.

I’ve been given everything.

I’m not just talking about my physical symmetry and my jawline, but I’m talking about– no, but for real, man.

I didn’t do anything. Look, man.

I mean, I was born–I was–

I’m a white American male in 2015 who gets paid to make people laugh.

[cheers and applause]

I won the historical lottery, man.

I have–there’s no– I can’t complain about anything.

I’m just–I’m just lucky.

I was just born on third base. God told me to run home.

But I got to do–I feel like I got to do something to make the world a better place.

I can’t just take. I can’t–

’cause if I die tomorrow, that’s not gonna be–

I haven’t done enough to make the world–

I haven’t given enough.

I just feel like I’m gonna get to Heaven and God’s gonna be like, “Well, well, well.

“Check it out everybody, it’s the taker.

“Look at Takey Takey Take, huh?

“Gave you all that opportunity, a white guy, and what’d you do?

“You went out, you ate a lot, and you made your dick happy.

Ain’t that right?”

[chomping, grunting]

Seriously, you ever think about what you do?

Man, it’s all about this. And I don’t know, man.

I got to start– I don’t even– like, I’m too horny, I think, to be a good person.

Like, I…

I mean, just as a guy, you’re always thinking, it’s always this–he just– if I didn’t have this situation, I’d get so much done, but he’s always like, “Let’s go!”

You know, “I want to fuck strangers!”

I’m like, “Whoa, I’m married.

I got to–I could lose my house.”

But it’s just a lot of bad advice.

You know what I’m saying? You guys– guys know what I’m saying, man.

It’s like, I don’t even– I just–

I don’t even think about– like, it never enters my mind.

My–my thoughts are so filthy.

I never think about helping the poor.

Like, I don’t even– I don’t even Google charity.

My search history’s just full of sin, man.

It’s hard being a guy.

Being a guy is– women don’t understand.

It’s just constant, man.

I–women are–you guys are so complicated with the sexual experience.

You need all this information.

You got to know my name, all this bullshit.

Dudes, man, dudes can fall in love– they can–they can drive by a women 25 miles an hour.

That’s all they need. They’re in.

They’re just like, “I fuckin’ love you!”

And they mean it.

You ever think about what you think about all the time, man?

It’s just, you know…

If I’m not horny, I’m worried.

It’s one or the other.

I’m like the horny worrier.

That’s what they’re gonna write on my tombstone if I don’t–if I don’t clean my thoughts up.

I don’t want– I don’t want to die.

I want to fuck. You know, back and forth.

You know? It’s a terrible thing to say.

I’m not that simple.

Like, sometimes I– I have overlap.

Like, sometimes I get worried in the middle of being horny.

Does that ever happen to you? You know what I mean?

Where you’re like, having sex, and you’re like, “I could die right now.” You know what I mean?

Like, global warming or whatever, I don’t know.

Or you’re like, “I should have locked the door–home invasion.”

You know?

Not that I–that’s gross. I shouldn’t masturbate.

I don’t… but that’s the only time.

I don’t masturbate standing up. I’m just saying.

I don’t… that was for the joke.

That’s the only time that good posture and a smile is creepy.

Right? If I catch you masturbating, please be hunched over your computer.

Be–have some shame, you know what I mean?

Hide from the dog. Anything.

If I catch you, and you’re just smiling, like…

Just staring at a wall, I can’t be friends with you, man.

It’s crazy. I’m a good person.

That’s what I always say to myself.

Like, I’m a good person.

But I don’t even know what that means.

I’m a good person as long as things are going my way.

You know what I mean? If I miss some sleep–

I had an hour of sleep– like, I like everybody.

I love ev– I’ve always been–

I’ve always–I just mean everybody everywhere all the best, but I was working on an hour of sleep, and I was like, “I want everybody to die.”

Like, I hate ev– you know what I mean?

And then I got hungry. I was at the airport.

And I–nothing was open.

And I was–an hour of sleep, and I was hungry– and I was, fucking–

I kicked a puppy, man. I was like…

It was wagging. I was like, “Come on!”

You know? Just… it’s just weird.

My character and my biology are so linked.

It sucks.

I don’t know, man, I just– I give, though.

I’m not–I am a good– I do give.

I do try to make the world a better place, man.

I give. I give to the homeless.

I keep change in my console.

And when they come to my window, I always–

I always–I always, man, I’m–

’cause I don’t know, I don’t know what happened to you.

I’m always like, you know, “Don’t touch my car.”

And you know–no, but I say– I give them also advice.

You know, “Shave. You should get it together.”

Whatever I do. And you know, “Watch my special.”

Whatever it is, but… but no, and I– I’ll give a dollar sometimes.

I don’t care. I’m crazy.

And… no, but we have limits, though.

Like, I–like, you know– like, the other day, I thought I was giving him a dollar, but it turned out to be a five dollar bill, and I was like, “Whoa!”

[chuckles] I pull it back, and it was so weird, because he was like, “Aw!”

And I was like, “Aw!” And then it was– and then the light was red, and it was awkward, because he was like, “Aw!” It was like I teased him.

I was like, “Oh!” And then, then it’s like, who am I, really? What am I gonna do?

And then the light turned green, and I was like…

[imitating engine roaring] You know.

It’s a bad story.

It was Tuesday. It’s not a five-dollar day.

If it’s Christmas, of course, but come on, man.

I don’t know, man.

Two ways to make the world a better place: charity, giving, and the other… is to vanquish evil.

Protect the innocent. Strike down the wicked.

That’s–that’s what I– that’s what I– that’s why I ultimately have never really been happy.

Because I–I just still haven’t become the man that I wanted to be.

You know, the man I used to go to the movies for.

I took movies seri– as a kid, man, I would be like, “I’m gonna do what that guy in the cape does.”

And my friends are like, “Bro, you gotta be a doctor or a lawyer.”

I was like, “Yeah, if you’re a pussy.

I’m doing what that guy does.”

I just–I always–

I can’t believe that I’m still not– like, I’m–I just– there are people– look, man, there are people that need to fuckin’ die.

I don’t care what anybody says.

They are, they’re ruining it for all of us.

Most people are good.

There are just a handful of people that just need– and everybody in this room knows at least one person.

At least one person that could die violently, okay?

In public, you might be like, “That’s so terrible.”

But in private, you’d be like…

[snickering]

You know, you know, “I know I shouldn’t be laughing, but he was such a dick,” you know.

And that’s how–I just–

I just feel like I just– I got to fucking–

I just–and I was always hoping– like, my kung fu is strong.

Don’t kid yourself.

I’m… psssh!

That move right there, psssh!

That’s my favorite. That’s hard.

That will stop your heart, if I unleash it.

If I work from my Hara, psssh! psssh!

That–it’s one of my favorite moves in street fighting.

The other move in kung fu, um… sorry, that’s Chinese for kung fu.

I speak Chinese. It doesn’t matter.

If I’m serious, I’ll go in the body here.

I go all the way in, I will grab the heart, pull it out while it’s still pumping.

And I still–I can’t–fucking– it’s hard to do.

Honestly, I don’t have it mastered.

Every time I’m in a street fight, I do that, I get punched right in the face, man.

I know. And I practice.

My fingers, I jam them in– in vats of dry rice constantly.

And I practice on goats. I still can’t get it in.

I know, man.

I shouldn’t even show you guys this stuff.

This is fuckin’…

I got to close my fist, but the point is…

I just–I feel like– I think heroes– like, every guy wants to be a hero.

That’s all I want to do.

I mean, it’s great if people are like, “Bryan, what’s it like to be the greatest comedian of all time?”

All that stupid stuff, like– I’m always like, “I don’t put any stake in those stupid awards,” but you know, “but you won in all five categories.”

“Yeah, okay, I’m the Michael Jordan of comedy.”

That doesn’t matter.

But just to be a great–

I think that great heroes– I think you’re chosen.

I think the gods are like, “He’s the one.”

Like, I–as a kid, I was always hoping.

Like, I just–I remember as a kid, just hoping, like, I would do something.

I would receive a sign, ’cause I knew

I could make the world a better place.

I just–like, I always wanted to sprout angel wings or something.

Like, you’re brushing your teeth, and all of a sudden you’re like, “What the…”

[popping]

“Mom!”

And your mom comes in. She’s like, “[gasps] You’re the one!”

Aww!

That, or sometimes, another way you know that you’ve been chosen is if small birds start landing on you.

Yeah, just small birds, sparrows.

If you’re– if you’re in the back yard and you’re covered in sparrows one day, that’s–it’s probably time to get your gear.

It’s probably… sparrows and squirrels, those are the two.

If squirrels start jumping in your pocket and sparrows.

Now, it’s got to be sparrows and squirrels.

If it’s rats and crows, run to fuckin’ church right away.

That’s not a good sign.

One bird. I just need one bird.

Just one. One bird lands on my shoulder.

I got a list of people that are getting the shit kicked out of them.

I’m telling you.

And I’ll tell you who’s number one on my list.

I’ll tell you who’s number one.

Those A-holes from the movie “Taken.”

I hate–argh! Rrrgh!

I hate Eastern European sex traffickers.

I’m sorry. I don’t mean to generalize.

I’m sure some are nice people.

Whatever.

For the most part–[shouts]

The minute–and I’m not gonna–

I’m not gonna use my kung fu.

I’m not gonna just go in and start kicking ass.

I will warn them. I will warn them.

I’m gonna walk right to their headquarters.

I’m gonna be like, “You guys!

Let the girl go.”

And if they give me any of their bullshit, like, “I’m sorry, my friend, it’s not possible.

She belongs to us.”

I’m gonna live out the movie.

I got a good life, but if you turn my life into a movie, I wouldn’t recommend going.

But I’ll tell you something right now.

I’ll tell you something right now.

The minute they say, “Go fuck yourself,”

I will fuckin’– I’m gonna unleash my fuckin’– it’s gonna be this, this, that…

Psssh! Psssh!

No, that’s standing Jiu-Jitsu.

You don’t know anything.

Psssh! Psssh!

[yells]

I just threw his dick away. You see that?

Psh! Psh! Psh! Anyway.

The point is, actually, she’s in a tower.

And I wanted them to build stairs, but they couldn’t.

So picture me walking upstairs as I’m fighting, ’cause she’s–

I’ve always wanted to rescue a woman in a tower.

And I get there, and I’m– there’s just bodies all over the stairs, just bodies of Eastern European sex traffickers.

And hearts everywhere.

And I’m out of breath, and she’s behind the door.

And I’m wet. I don’t know why.

I just like the idea of being wet.

My–my fantasy is I’m always– the water’s rivuleting through my– and my hair is in my–

I don’t have this bullshit hair.

It’s…

I don’t.

If this hair gets wet, it looks like lettuce, man.

It’s not funny. I had to get–

I had to bring a hair guy in.

Anyway…

But I–and then she’s like, “Help me.”

A lot of guys would pick the lock. Not me.

I fucking kick the door open.

I’ve always wanted to just kick a door open with my heel.

And every time I rescue a woman in my fantasy, she’s always in a state of undress.

She barely has time to cover her breasts.

She’s… “Who are you? What are you doing here?”

I’m like, “We don’t have time to talk!

Let me help you with these!” I don’t know. You know.

I don’t know what I do. It’s an emergency.

I know I got to get her out of there.

I grab her by the small of her waist, and I just hit–

I hoist her here.

Use your hips. Don’t hurt your back.

Use, and throw her up.

I would grab her by the hand and run her out, but she can’t keep up.

My legs are too long.

They’re too long and heroic. I cover too much ground, man.

Look at me, I’m a fuckin’– I’m a racehorse, man.

She’s in high heels.

How’s she gonna– it’s impossible.

She’s on my shoulder.

She’s never been on a hero’s shoulder.

She’s like, “Holy shit.

Your body feels like warm wood.”

Or whatever.

She’s on my back, and I’m just mowing her captors down.

Just [imitates machine gun].

Machine gun, holding it sideways.

You ever seen that in a movie?

Let me answer the question.

No, you fuckin’ haven’t.

[imitates machine gun] And she’s like, “Ahhh!”

I’m like, “Calm down!”

That’s just how I calm a woman down.

And I lost my pants in the fight.

I don’t know if I mentioned that.

No, ’cause–nothing weird.

I was just fighting, and, uh, they released a dog– attack dog.

Dutch shepherd. Bite-trained. I could tell.

And I was fighting.

I didn’t see it, but I could sense it, ’cause I run with wolves.

And I just– and it came at me, and I had to–I had to–

I pulled here, and it grabbed me here.

And I kicked it off, like that.

And it took my pants, ’cause my pants are Velcro.

And, uh… yeah, so my piece was just, like, flying, you know.

It was like I– it’s not safe, ’cause I–

I’m fighting, and it– there’s too much floppage.

I could tear out my sack, so I had to take my bandana off and tie down.

Tight. I tie down tight.

It’s not comfortable, but it keeps me disciplined and honest.

I’m all about discipline and honesty.

I know, but the fight wasn’t over.

The dog came back at me, and I had to– it’s hard to demonstrate.

But you got to–you absorb.

He came at my face, and I had to– you ever see “The Matrix”?

Doesn’t matter, but see, you’re here, moving here, and I caught– you have to, here, and catch– here, catch the head.

Put the body between your legs, and then you got to alpha the dog.

Show the dog who’s boss.

Don’t hurt it, just, just… shh, shh, shh.

That works on male humans, too.

Just here.

It’s just how you break his spirit.

Now I own him. Anyway…

It’s scary.

I’m just [imitates machine gun].

And I don’t run out of bullets.

Don’t worry, ’cause I don’t.

I’m wearing bandoleros.

Yeah, bandoleros.

It’s Spanish for bandolero.

I speak Spanish.

I am Spanish, I think. I don’t know.

I’ve always wanted to look more–

I love that look, that beautiful Latin, the hair.

I–I want to be, you know, salsa dancer.

You know that fuckin’– I love that, man.

My name, though, I don’t have a–it’s a bullshit name.

I don’t have a hero’s name. “Bryan.”

“Bryan’s here! We’re safe now!”

Who says that?

I want a Spanish nickname.

I’d love to have a Span–that’s when you know you’re a badass, when they give you a Spanish nickname, man.

I’d give a pinky to kick a door open and have a girl go, “[gasps] El Gato.”

Anything Spanish: El Gato, Escorpión.

Even butterfly. “[gasps] Mariposa.”

Man!

Oh…

I love that.

There are a lot of problems with me being El Gato.

I just–I don’t have–

I don’t have that mindset, man. I wake up– like, El Gato wakes up every morning, he’s like, “Today is a good day to die!”

I woke up the other day and my feet hurt.

I was like, “Uhhh!”

I know. My–my wife was like, “What’s wrong?”

And I was like, “I definitely have foot cancer or something.”

El Gato doesn’t Google foot cancer.

It’s ridiculous.

You try to be a hero in your everyday life.

Like sex. I try to be, you know…

I try to, you know what I mean? Talk dirty.

And just be a man.

Like, pull your hair, and just, yeah.

But then at the moment of truth, like when I have my thing, I don’t–it all goes out the window.

I don’t know how El Gato–

I don’t know how he does it. I don’t know.

I’ve never been in the room, but I’d imagine a hero, when he has his thing, it’s probably a gift.

He’s probably like, “I made this for you!”

You know?

Maybe he sings. ♪ Ma-ha-ha-ha-ha

I don’t know.

I try. I try to look– I just, I can’t.

I lock up. I can’t help it.

My whole body–I just– like I’m being electrocuted, like…[grunts]!

I look like I’m about to sneeze. Ah, ah.

You know.

And I say weird shit sometimes.

[yelling] Mommy! You know.

I’m not built for–I don’t– it sucks, man.

I always–I was hoping I would–

I kept waiting to grow into heroic stature.

Just, I wanted big elbows, and just– my father’s a giant.

My dad, I thought I’d grow into my– my dad is big.

He grew up on a farm, no money.

His mother just stuck an udder in his mouth.

[smacking] And all the calcium went to his head and his feet.

He can’t find shoes, hats. Beds are tricky.

Can’t dial a cell phone. Fingers are too fat.

You ever see a giant try to dial a cell phone?

It’s impossible. They can’t–

I feel bad for giants.

Samoans have the same problem.

They get– because he hits, like, one, and then he catches some of the two and the four.

Like, so frustrating. He’s like, Mmm! Mmm!

Mmmm! [roars]

I’ll do it for you.

“Thank you.”

I don’t look anything like my dad.

Nothing. Doesn’t have a neck.

Hairy, too. Hairy.

Like, there’s hairy, and then there’s “of the forest” hairy.

That dude could walk up to a beehive naked and just starting eating honey; he’d be fine.

He’d have to cover his nose. That’s it.

Just mmm, mmm.

I take after my mother’s side.

My mother’s Southern Italian.

But not the good Southern Italian.

Not like, you know, Mafioso, you know.

Like, strong. You know, you think about– they were, like, pickpockets and peasants.

Just… it’s like a long line of petty crime and peasantry.

They dug in the dirt, and they would…

Little people. They look like cashews with feet.

Just shitty…

It’s not even a family tree.

It’s a family bush.

Just… [grunts]

It sucks, man.

I could pick your pocket in a group like this.

What are you gonna say to the cops?

How you gonna describe me? What are you gonna say?

“He was white. Brown hair. Medium.”

Ha, ha, ha!

I work out, but no matter what– no matter–like, I try.

I’ve always wanted to have that kind of body where people are like, “Holy shit, Bryan,” you know.

I don’t–the more I work out, the more I just– like, I’m not– my dad was built.

He was a Marine, built for war.

And I thought I’d–but I’m not. I’m built for dance.

Look at this shit. Like, I have– like, I have–I can pop, and– look at the–look at how– I’ve never taken dance.

Look at the– look at the precision and the– and the vulnerability in my eyes, I just…

I know, I can do four.

I’m amazing. It’s nothing.

It’s nothing.

My spinal cord’s made of rope. What is this?

It’s not this–you can’t be that supple and be a hero.

I should have been a dancer, but we don’t–

I didn’t come from a culture that supports it.

I’m straight, so it’s just complicated.

We’re too homophobic.

As a straight man, I could never do the things that I–

I could never pop my– I couldn’t button my dances like that without answering a bunch of questions.

You know, it’s very hard being a straight guy.

They keep you in a cylinder.

There are so many things you can’t do with your body.

As a straight guy, you gotta dance…

I was–I travel.

I’m telling you–Canada, it doesn’t matter, you got to– straight men, when they dance, have to keep their arms bent.

This is what– do whatever you want, but your arms– one hand can go up.

You can go low, but you must default here in case you got to keep somebody away.

I don’t know what it is.

But I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you the rule.

When you’re a straight guy, you can never straighten your arms.

Ever. The minute–the minute you straighten your arms, you’re fucked.

You know what bugs me?

I’m not brave.

It bothers me, man.

I’m just not, I– it’s important to me, but I got– I got exposed.

My buddy scared me the other day, scared me.

He just–all he did is he went, “Ahhh!”

That’s all he did. He jumped out of the bushes and went, “Nahhh!”

And if you’re– if you’re El Gato, and the minute he goes, “Ahh,” you just hit.

You don’t even move. Just “bah!” You just–

You don’t even react.

You’re like, “Oh jeez, I’m sorry.”

I didn’t do that. I, uh…

I know.

First of all, the noise I made.

This is the kind of shit I worry about.

I’m afraid I’m gonna make a bitchy noise when I die.

I am. I hope I make a man noise.

I hope I’m like, “Uhh!” You know.

Or I want to–or maybe I could say something.

Like, “Bring it, pussy!” You know.

But I have a high voice.

I’m afraid I’m gonna squeak– [squeaks] And die.

And… my, my… they shot–they scared me, and they filmed it on video camera.

This is when you know.

They used the iPhone 6 so you could see my reaction in slow motion.

Watching yourself become a coward in slow motion…

And by the way, my friend’s a dirtbag.

Like, I knew him ten years.

What–the joy on his face.

When the camera slows down, you can tell a lot about somebody’s character.

You just see him– he just steps out.

I’m walking, and you see him– he steps out, and he just goes, “Oooohhhh-aaahhhhh!”

Right?

And you see me.

I’m walking, man, like I’m top of the food chain.

I mean, I’m just happy.

I own this street, man.

I got no fear.

And you just see his hands come into view, and instead of me being like, “Arrrgh!”

I don’t even look at where the danger was.

I–I threw my wrists like I– like, like I had a tiny towel I was trying to get sand off.

I was like…

I literally–you see him go, “Uhh!”

And I went, “Huurrrrr!”

[shrieking]

I threw my ass this way. I stayed here.

That’s what I did. I was like, here you go.

And here’s a handle that you can swing me around with.

Like, the only animal that does that is a porcupine.

What a bunch of–you know.

That’s my spirit animal, a porcupine.

Fuckin’… so bad.

I get it from my mother.

My mother–my mother– my mother– it’s directly from my mother.

My mother’s afraid of everything.

My mother could find death in a scarf.

In a scarf.

I’d go out with a scarf. She’s like, “Don’t wear a scarf.” I was like, “It’s freezing.”

“I know, but escalators– if it gets caught, your head will come off.”

I’m 11 years old. I don’t want to die by yarn.

Why’d you put that in my head?

She’d put things in my head, man.

Italians are terrified of an empty stomach.

Terrified. My mom, every time I’d have an empty–

“Did you eat? Make sure you eat.

“You don’t eat, you lose all the feeling in your legs.

“You’ll be a zombie; you could faint, hit your head, and die.

I know four people.” I believed her!

I thought that’s what would happen.

Ruined good times with my buddies.

I thought once you got empty you’d–

I’d, literally, I’d be like, “Bro, I got to eat, man.”

My friend’s like, “What are you talking about?”

“I got to eat now!”

They’re like, “Whoa, easy. You hungry?”

“No, I’m not hungry, but… [sputtering]

I didn’t bring my helmet! I could fucking die!”

She would follow me outside.

She would follow me outside with food.

I’d just eaten. She’d always pass snacks.

She’d be like, “Take a pear.” I was like, “What?

I don’t want a pear.”

“Take a pear in case you get hungry.”

“I’m not taking a pear.” “Just in case.”

“I’m going on a date.

I’m not taking a pear with me, man.”

No way am I gonna stop the date–

“Just hold on for a second. I just have…”

“I could faint and die, sorry.

Do you have any napkins, ’cause my fingers are…”

Even as an adult, like, I was– she came to visit me like two months ago in LA.

And I’m driving to the city, and she shouts after my car, she goes, “Lock your doors!”

I was like, “Why?”

“They’re kidnapping adults now.”

She went like this, like apparently there’s a giant who’s like, “I’ll take your boy.”

[chuckles]

My dad’s the exact opposite.

I always wanted to be like him, but I just couldn’t figure it out.

Like, there’s–there’s–like, my father was a Marine.

But then he went on to do other things in the military.

Like, he just did–like, I grew up all over the world.

I’ll give you–I was born in the Philippines.

I lived in Calcutta, Mumbai, Lebanon, Pakistan, Lebanon again, Greece, then Saudi Arabia.

I came to this country when I was 14.

Yeah. You asked my father what he did, he’d tell you he was a banker.

What bank?

One over there.

That–I know a lot of you have fathers.

My dad beat the shit out of all your dads.

You don’t understand.

And the masculine energy, it was–

I think both his parents were men.

It…

Listen, man, I don’t know what that guy did.

I still catch him, 75 years old.

That big, gray giant, I’ll just catch that dude just looking off in the distance, and he’s just making weird noises.

I don’t know–I don’t know if he’s looking for somebody, waiting for somebody… there’s something he clearly forgot to do, ’cause I– he’ll just be out there, just looking out, going…

[growling]

[muttering]

[chuckling]

[gasps] [inhales]

[whispering] I can’t see you, but I can smell you.

It’s like, Mom, Dad’s threatening the horizon again.

He was different, man.

He was such a different dude.

Like, I–somebody didn’t– somebody should have told me, “Look, you’re a cat, he’s a bear.

“You’re never gonna be a bear.

Just perch on walls, and he’ll kill.”

Whatever, you know.

Like, he was just so– I remember him, like, he would snore and drink black coffee.

And as a kid, I was like, “I got to start snoring and drinking black coffee.”

Like, I just– but I was so finicky.

I was a finicky eater. That dude would eat anything.

He’d eat bones, cactus. It didn’t matter, man.

I would freak out if my pancakes were too thick.

I would! I was like, “I asked for crepes!

“What is this?!

“More egg in the batter, obviously!

Unless you have a bag for me to ughhh!”

My dad ate a banana without peeling it once.

I’m not kidding.

I was 15. I came home. I was playing baseball.

I didn’t even know these guys that well.

He’s in the middle of the kitchen– just his underwear, already a disaster– taking shark bites, shark bites, out of a tight-skinned Chiquita.

Just…

And I come home, my buddy John, who was the tough guy in our group– he’d always walk in chest first.

He comes walking in, he, like– he’s not afraid of anything.

He sees my father, he goes…

“There’s a giant in your kitchen eating a banana.”

I was so embarrassed. I ran in.

I was like, “Dad, what are you doing?

What are you doing?”

My father goes, “I’m in a rush.”

Fuckin’, the gorilla’s in a rush.

You got to go outside.

Oh, but this is the point I’m making.

Wasn’t afraid of anything. He’s just a different dude.

We got in the car. We got in the car, man.

And it was just he and I, and the windows were rolled up, and there was a hornet– a hornet–

I’m not talking about a yellow jacket.

I’m talking about a hornet, okay?

Hornets: the kind that live in the ground.

Not even part of the ecosystem.

You know those ones with the two abdomens and the fur and the armor, horns.

You can see their stingers.

They’re not even part of the ecosystem.

They were put on the Earth to sting a man for his sins.

You know those– that’s the only thing they’re there for.

They don’t have anything to do.

’Cause a honeybee stings you like, mm.

And you’re like, “Ow.” And it dies.

It’s very sad.

Not so, not so the hornate. Not so.

No, no, no, no. They find the sinner.

They grab you here, bite, and they hump-sting you 50 times that way.

They empty your sack. Your face melts.

You can’t have an open casket.

You can Google it; I don’t give a shit.

Anyway… so, I’ll never forget this, man.

This is when I get in the car, and I see the hornate.

It’s got– it’s got two abdomens.

And its fur, a hell-red fur, and, uh, orange.

And the stinger’s a little thicker than my fingers, I think.

And, uh, horns.

And I looked at it. We looked at each other.

Its eyes were as black as the blackest night.

And I knew–I knew then it was gonna kill me.

I knew. I understood that it was my time.

And it began to run toward me.

And I…

I tried to–I forgot– my hands–

I didn’t know how to use my hands.

I was… huh!

I couldn’t get my hands to work.

And I tried to get out, and my father, with his giant, non-cell-phone-dialing fingers, just caught it.

He just went…[cracking].

And broke its bones.

Just…[cracking] I heard it.

Those things, they die hard.

That thing died like, “Fuck you!”

You know.

And my dad was going like that with his fingers, and I was like– I was a mess.

I was like…[panting] “What the fuck.”

And my father goes– and he was doing this.

I go, “That thing sting you?”

My father goes, “I don’t know.”

[grunts] “Probably.”

It’s like, it’s not a philosophical question.

And this is when you know the difference.

Like, I was like, many years later, I was on a date with this girl. I liked her.

I remember I cleaned the inside of my car out.

I was excited. Like, I know.

Right behind my–like, I was acting cool, but just below the surface of my skin, I was like, “Ahhhh!” You know. [giggling]

But cool otherwise.

And we get in the car, and it’s going well.

She’s laughing at my jokes.

She was an actress, so I was lying about celebrities I knew.

It was beautiful.

And I’m about to–I’m about to start the car.

You know those days when you’re like, everything is right in the world.

And I’m about to start the car.

And that same hornet… was on my dashboard.

And this thing was even bigger.

It had feathers, I think. I can’t remember.

And it turns, and it looks at both of us.

And I remember my girl, my beautiful girl, she just– she chipmunked up.

She just went, “Oh, my God, please help me.

I’m so allergic. I’m so allergic.”

And I was like–[whispering] “What the fuck,” you know.

And I drive like this.

I always drive like this to show a woman I’m in control.

Here, one hand.

Plus, she can see the belly of the whale.

It’s a technique. I give that to you.

I give it to you. You can take it.

But anyway… but you got to understand, this is an emergency situation.

My girl’s in danger.

I was raised by– my father was a Marine.

My mother was a Sicilian woman from Brooklyn.

That is a very macho, old-fashioned culture.

My mother raised me old-fashioned.

She said, “If you are with a woman, “you are responsible for her safety.

“I don’t care what the situation.

“I don’t care if it’s a bear.

“I don’t care if it’s two dudes with baseball bats.

You are her shield.” And that’s how I am.

That’s what I say to my girl. I’m always like, “Listen, man.

“If there’s a dangerous situation, “you get behind this right cheek right here.

“You clip on. Clip onto this belt loop.

“Not with these jeans, ’cause they’re expensive as shit, but stay close here.”

And I’m moving, mmm. I use my, mmm.

I use my elbows when I fight.

I don’t use my hands a lot of times, ’cause I need my hands for music and lovemaking, so… mmm, mmm.

I play the harp and stuff. It doesn’t matter.

Stringed instruments are my thing.

But that’s how it is, man.

It’s the first thing I said to my wife.

Like, “You want to be with me? I’m not like other guys.

“You want to be with me, you got to be into money, big dicks, and having a human shield.”

Because… that’s how it is.

Listen, man. You guys–you guys clap.

Some girls don’t– some girls don’t like that.

Some girls don’t want to laugh and cum that much, whatever.

[grunting]

I’m just telling you what my culture is.

So I’m in the car, and it’s this hornet.

And it’s looking at us, and its–its wings.

She’s like, “Help me!” I was like, “Run!”

She’s like, “Where?” And I was like, “I don’t know!”

And it flies up, and I– this is when you know who you are.

This is when you know if you’re a man or boy, if I’m my father or me, if I’m a hero or a coward.

These are the moments, and this thing’s here.

She’s like, “Help me!”

And my father, like this… [stammering]

She’s like, “What?” And I fuckin’–

I left her in that car!

I know, but I ran like a man. I ran hard.

My face–I had a frown. [growls]

I know. I never saw her again.

It was, uh…I didn’t get laid, but I didn’t get stung.

So you have to weigh…

Crazy.

My dad wasn’t even afraid of dogs.

We had to cut through this field one time.

And this Rottweiler showed up with a head the size of a bowling ball, and balls.

I never forgot, it was literally trying to get at us through the fence, like– [barking]

Just foaming at the mouth, and I was like, “Oh, my God.”

I’ll just walk around, obviously.

I start walking, and my father goes, “What are you doing?”

I was like, “Well, I’m gonna walk around, of course, “because there’s a black lion here screaming ’fuck you’ in dog. I’ll go around.”

My father goes, “No. We’ll cut through.

It’s faster.”

I was like, “I know, but again, “we’re not crows, and, um… “this is what they use to guard the gates of Hell, so we’ll just– we’ll just go around.”

And my father, he couldn’t get it.

I knew he was gonna fight the dog.

I knew, and I’ve never– I’ve never been more afraid.

I was like, “Please don’t fight this dog.

“Please don’t fight this– they bite so hard.

I’ll do anything. I’ll carry you, anything.”

And my father gets in that dog’s face, right– he just bends down right in the dog’s face,

and he goes like this: “I’ll give you one chance.”

[blowing]

And he blew in that dog’s face.

Whatever his Satanic energy, I don’t know.

That dog backed up and sat down sideways.

I don’t know what that means in dog.

Obviously, it means, “Ye may pass, O Dark One.”

My dad opens the gate. The dog is right there.

He goes, “Come on.”

Man, I stuck to him like a pilot fish on a shark.

I was touching him.

I was touching him walking across.

And I was–I was 28 years old.

I know.

It’s just not in my nature.

It’s unbelievable.

He’s a good guy, though.

Like, he cared about the world.

He had no prejudice, my father. None.

He cared about everybody.

And he would always make– he would always read us things about how bad the world was.

He’d ruin your day.

You’d be opening presents on Christmas.

On Christmas, he’d be reading some book like “Bloodlands” or whatever, and he’d just look at me, and he’d go, “You know, in the Ukraine in the ’30s, “a period of about five years, even less, “about 8 1/2 million people died of starvation.

“Had to eat each other.

Enjoy your presents.”

He was unbelievable that way, man.

And one day he was reading– we tell this story a lot.

He’s reading the newspaper, and it’s brunch–Sunday brunch.

19 people outside, beautiful.

Dogs barking. Sun. Ehh. Everything.

And he’s reading the newspaper, and he looks– he starts giggling. He’s like…[giggles]

And he goes, “Look at this. Look at this.

“A grown man– a grown man in Colorado “was attacked and killed– “killed– by a mountain lion.”

Yes.

My father goes, “Pussy.”

So I couldn’t let it go.

I was like, “I’m so sorry to interrupt your Sunday reading.

“Are you under the impression that a mountain lion, a mountain lion couldn’t kill you?”

And my father goes, “That’s a stupid question.”

I was like, “Why is that a stupid question?”

And he goes, “Because first of all, a mountain lion “isn’t a real lion.

“And second of all, a mountain lion would never dare to attack me.”

And I was like, “Really?

And how do you know that?”

And he goes, “I don’t know that.

It knows that.”

Dead serious!

Dead serious, man!

Anyway, I’m never gonna be like him.

That’s the point I’m making.

I’m just not– but I’ll tell you something.

This is what’s crazy, man. This is what’s crazy.

I have kids now, and my son– my son is exactly like my father.

Like, he doesn’t have any of my genes.

None of them. He looks just like my dad.

Like, it’s not a good thing, really.

I mean, he’s– he’s, like, 3 1/2.

You know, he’s just– his ears, he’s got ears.

We have to cover his ears with hair.

No, because otherwise, the sun will never hit his face.

They don’t belong– he could find his way with echolocation. [clicking]

He’s got a fully-formed man nose.

It’s a disaster.

I love him, but when people see him– like, a 3 1/2-year-old is supposed to be like, awww.

They see him, they’re like, “Ohhh.”

You know, he’s… no, he’s an animal. Listen to me, man.

That kid’s not–I’m telling you, I can see the caveman.

I’m like– he doesn’t listen, too.

I’m like, “Go to bed.” He’s like…[grunting]

But see, this is very important, because this is my chance.

Like, I’m talking about giving back and changing the world.

I have children now.

I got to make sure that I put good people into the world.

It’s up to me, but this kid is all caveman.

I’m telling you, man, I don’t know how to– he wakes up– I call him the Destroyer.

He wakes up. I don’t know what’s in his head.

I promise you his to-do list– he’s like, “Today, I’m gonna eat three bananas, “couple bran muffins, a pound of hard cheese.

“Then I think I’ll take a shit on or near the bowl, whatever.

“Then I’m gonna watch cartoons completely naked “on the cream-colored couch.

“Hope you don’t mind the zebra pattern.

Yeah!”

He’s such an animal, and the difference– my daughter is all girl.

The difference– it’s so interesting that I have to now deal– ’cause my daughter is– at my house, it’s like the prototypical difference between men and women.

My house is a microcosm for what’s right and what’s wrong with the world.

My daughter has her playroom.

She’s just all girl. She’s got her– she’s got her, like, little stuffed animals.

And then she’s got her dollhouse and her stuffed, like, dolls.

And she’s like, “You guys are gonna take a nap.

“And I’m gonna feed you guys, but don’t eat too loudly, “’cause you’ll wake them up.

“And then after you guys wake up, “I’ll feed you, but don’t eat too loudly, “and then you guys can go to sleep, okay?

“Do you guys in the dollhouse want some tea?

“Do you guys want tea?

“I can make you tea with tiny cups.

Would you like tea?” It’s so cute.

If the world was like my daughter, everything would be clean and well-slept and well-fed.

I don’t think anything would get done, but it’d be awesome.

And if the world was like my son, we’d all be fuckin’ dead.

Because if she leaves the door to that playroom open, that little Genghis Khan son of a bitch… he comes out just all chest and ass.

He just looks like the letter S.

Just…

And I can see he’s just a caveman.

He can’t figure out what she’s doing.

He can’t just let it stand.

He’s like, “What the fuck is this?

“You got a city with people just eating and sleeping “and drinking tea?

“You think that’s just allowed?

“You didn’t think to build a wall.

“You didn’t think to have an army on standby, huh?

“Nobody told you that right next door “is naked Godzilla?

Yahhh! Yahhh!”

He just destroys it.

My daughter, she cracks the ceiling with her screams.

She’s just like, “Why?!”

And I have to explain it.

I’m like, “Honey, that’s just the way the world is.

“The universe–you know, you guys give– “you give life, and men destroy, “and it’s the yin and the yang.

“If they see it standing, they can’t help it.

They have to knock it down. You missed a spot.”

And you know…

It’s crazy.

I worry about it, man.

I got to figure out what to do with him.

I knew he was different when he was two years old.

Two years old, man.

We were all dancing in the kitchen.

And he didn’t know how to dance yet.

We’re like, “Whoo! Yeah!”

And my son was like… [grunting]

He didn’t know what to do with his energy.

He’s like, “How do– how do I do that? [grunts]”

I could see him taking on the– like, the energy.

He’s like, “Mmmm.”

And I was messing with him. I was clocking him.

I was like, “Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!”

He was like, “I’m warning you.” And I was like, “Yeah!”

And finally, he just couldn’t take it anymore.

He just bit me. Uhh!

And I was like, “Ahhh!”

And he goes, “Raahhh!”

And I go to scold him, and my father goes, “Don’t scold him.” I was like, “Why?”

And he goes, “I feel like that every single day of my life.”

My son jumped into his arms like a baboon.

They just walked away. I was like, “You raise him then!”

I got to do something about him, man.

I got to make a human being out of him.

’Cause man, how do you raise a caveman?

How do I raise my father in 2015?

It’s not appropriate.

There’s nowhere to burn off your testosterone, man.

When guys don’t know how to burn off their testosterone, it manifests itself in weird ways.

Like, some dudes, if they just– they just feel, like, all this energy.

They can’t bite somebody, so they’ll just throw a muffler and a racing fan on the back of their Honda Accord.

That’s what that’s about.

Just so they can rev their engine like…

[imitating revving engine]

Or dudes who work out too much, like my buddy who never wears sleeves.

39 years old, he’s always like, “I can’t go to coffee like this.”

Just lifts weights. He teaches CrossFit.

I’ve never seen more muscle on a guy’s chest and ass.

He just walks around.

He’s got matching dragon tattoos on his calves, which he got at 38.

But this is this energy.

This fighter-warrior-hunter energy.

The other day–I went to work out with him once.

Ridiculous. He’s fucking showing me how he climbs a rope.

He’s like, “Check this out.” I was like, “Okay.”

“’Cause I can climb a rope with no legs, bro.”

It’s like, okay, man, so you’re a champion at a sport nobody else is competing in.

This guy, he had me flipping tires.

Just doing this.

And then I had to do kettlebells like this.

Then I had to do snatch and clean.

I’m like, “Why am I doing this?”

And he’s like, “You use that movement every single day of your life.”

No, I don’t!

I literally was like, “The only time I’d use “this movement is if I was hiking and my face was flushed “and there was a brook, and I wanted water on my face.

“I guess maybe I’d do this.

“Maybe.

“Or maybe if there was a baby trapped under a Smart Car, “I guess I’d get under it here.

But then I’d have to side-kick the baby to safety.”

Which we didn’t practice.

Guys, if they don’t know what to do–

I don’t want my son to turn into that.

My other buddy– not really a buddy.

I grew up with him, but– so I have to be nice to him.

But he’s a survivalist.

He wears camo to the supermarket.

He’s one of those people that just says things.

I want to grab my own face, I hate him so much.

Camo. He never did a day in the military.

I was like, “What are you doing?”

He’s like, “Never know when the shit’s gonna hit the fan, bro.”

“Well, we’re in LA.

“The forest is 30 miles away.

“So do you plan on blending in with the produce?

What are you doing?”

He asked me if I– he’s one of those guys who knows the difference between trees.

“You think that’s a Ficus, bro? Japanese maple.”

I hate him.

Tells you what to do in any situation.

Bear attack? Bear attack? Here.

I’m like, what are you doing?

“Something about your hands, man. They freak out.”

You know what he asked me the other day?

The last question. I saw him. He goes like this.

He comes out and he goes, “You know how to take a shit in jail, bro?”

[sighs]

I don’t have that app on my phone.

He’s like, “How do you do it?

You just drop trou and take a poo, right?”

I was like, “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Ehh! Rookie mistake.

“You drop your pants, you take a hop and a squat, “they’re coming to shank you, and they’re gonna shank you.

“Know they’re gonna shank you. Know that.

What are you gonna do then?” I was like, “I don’t know.”

“You’re gonna run up, forget your pants “are around your ankles, you’ll fall over, “you get shanked 50 times, “they’re gonna bury you with a dirty ass.

Is that what you want?”

How do I take a shit in jail?

“Now you’re asking the right questions, rookie.

“Now you’re asking the right questions.

“Drop trou, take one leg out.

“One leg out. One leg out here.

“Don’t sit. Hover. Bacteria. Hover.

“Eyes straight ahead.

“Wait for it. Practice this at home.

“You sink to the level of your training.

“Eyes straight ahead.

“When the guy comes in, wait for it.

“They got their knife. They’re gonna shank you.

“Get close enough, See the whites of his eyes.

Take a shit, throw it in his face! Bang!”

[sighs]

He works at The Gap, by the way.

I just don’t want my son to be that guy.

You got to figure out where to place this energy.

That’s, like, that’s so important to me that I put a human being–

I just can’t understand guys who walk out on their kids.

Those guys–I hate those guys more than Eastern European sex traffickers.

Fuckin’ dummies. Part of the problem.

’Cause that kid is– he’s musical, I think.

So I got to get him to play an instrument.

It’s got to be an instrument that gets him laid, though.

’Cause if he doesn’t get laid, he’s gonna be big.

Angry. A disaster. You know what I mean, though?

My job as a father is, he’s got to play the piano, drums, guitar, that’s all.

Just no flute. You’re not playing the flute.

I don’t care. You’re not getting laid.

It’s just–I don’t care how much the flute–

I’ll break it, slap your face.

It’s for his own good. Nobody’s getting laid.

The face you got to make alone…

Nobody wants to have sex to that music.

You want to tiptoe through a forest.

You don’t want to have sex.

Some instruments, I don’t understand, like the tuba.

It’s a beautiful instrument, I guess.

I guess you need it, although I’ve never been to a concert and been like, “This is a beautiful concert.

Could’ve used more tuba, actually.”

I bet you the best tuba player in the world doesn’t get laid.

I bet you they– what are you gonna do?

“Come up to my room; I’ll play you a solo on my tuba.”

[honking]

Sorry about the geese hitting the window.

[honking]

You got to be in a marching band.

Good luck getting laid in a marching band.

I’m not going to football games while my son is like…

[honking]

Right behind this guy.

Those clangy things.

No.

I got to figure it out.

My daughter’s a whole different situation, man.

My daughter’s interesting, because my daughter– my daughter is watching every move I make.

That’s, like–she’s imprinting her idea of what a man is.

She’s gonna choose the man that she’s with based on the example I set, which means I got to teach– treat her mother right.

Can’t raise my voice.

Fuckin’… [muttering]

Just, you know… [muttering]

Don’t talk to me that way, ’cause I’ll take your leg…

[muttering]

You’re lucky I have kids, ’cause otherwise…[muttering]

Jesus Christ, man.

I just–I don’t want my daughter dating a guy like me.

Not the real me, you know what I mean?

Which is a terrible thing to say.

I’m a dirtbag. I got to figure out– you know, I want her dating somebody with low blood sugar, who owns cats and sips tea.

I’ll pay the bills. I just want him…

’cause I–she–I can already see, she looks like my wife.

She’s already got that– the symmetry and stuff.

It’s gonna be a disaster. She got none of my genes.

Long legs and the–even boys already are like…[grunting]

I can see the wolves on the hilltop.

They’re small, but I can see ’em.

They’re just…[howling].

But I don’t–I’m not– I got to protect her, man.

My father had it so easy.

My sister would bring dudes home.

And they’d look at my father and be like, “It’s not gonna work out.”

You got to get into a young wolf’s brain.

I got–I know how to scare a young wolf, man.

You got to use your mind.

You show up at my door, I don’t like what I see, you got your Jiu-Jitsu ears, your tattoos, your big black truck– you want to bang my daughter in the back of your truck?

Because I know–[sniffing] I can smell a wolf.

I know a wolf.

I promise you I will get in your head.

I will answer the door dressed–

I’ll be–I’ll dress up like a clown, completely naked.

I don’t give a shit.

I’ll be polite, but it’s freaky.

You just walk up…

Hi! I’m Daddy. I forgot.

I’ll get her. Ha!

Nobody’s fucking with the naked clown guy’s daughter.

Either that–if he’s not afraid of naked clowns, I swear to God, I’ll sacrifice a goat on the front lawn.

I’ll be dressed like a high priest, and I’ll just be like– that’ll get your attention.

If you walk in, I’m just going…

[chanting gibberish]

[bleats]

[chanting]

[singing gibberish]

Welcome!

I always sacrifice a goat to the gods that they may quell the fury in my breast when someone comes to pick up my princess.

I know you will treat my daughter right, boy.

For if you do not, I will replace this goat blood with your blood.

[chanting]

I know, it’s a pain in the ass.

You got to get a permit for the goat.

I don’t give a shit. I’ll do it anyway.

Here’s a lesson I learned, man.

Here’s a lesson I learned, having kids.

My daughter taught me an amazing lesson.

I never thought I’d say this.

You talk about, you know, being a real man.

You talk about making the world a better place.

Talk about being lucky.

Born on third base, God told me to run home.

Well, this is how you do it. This is how– this is–this is the greatest lesson I ever had.

I went to a party. She was young.

She was dolled up.

I spent a lot of time with my outfit, ’cause my agent was like, “You got to start schmoozing.”

You know, I was like, “All right.”

So we go to this party.

There’s, like, celebrities. I was like, “I know a couple of those celebrities.”

“Like, hi, hi, but I’m gonna go talk to them.

’Cause I’m gonna get a part.”

I don’t know what I was doing.

She’s there, and then she goes to play.

And these girls–she goes to play with these little girls.

And the little girl was like, “We don’t wanna play with you.”

And she comes running back. The girl’s mean.

She has a little tiara. I was like, “Whoa.”

She goes, “I don’t–they don’t want to play with me.”

I was like, “Oh, well, find another group, ’cause I got to go, you know…”

She’s like, “No, I don’t want to. I want to go home.”

Said, “we can’t go home.” She goes, “Well, then, I want to play donkey.”

And I was like, “We’re not playing donkey.

I’m not playing…” Donkey’s a game we would play where she’d get on my back, and I’d be like, “Ee-haw. Ee-haw.”

Like I–yeah, she has to get on my back.

I’m like this, and I’m like, “Ee-haw. Ee-haw.”

And I buck her off, and if she falls off, I trample her with my– I tickle her.

It’s adorable here.

But I’m not doing that at a party.

I bought new pants. I have a–I look awesome.

So… but then I realized, as I’m telling her

I can’t play donkey, I realized that if I’m the kind of guy that can’t play donkey with my daughter

’cause I want to look cool in Hollywood, I’m not the kind of guy I like.

Right? So I was like– right, so that’s what your daughter– first lesson, first lesson.

So I’m like, “All right, we’ll play donkey.

“But you got five minutes.

“Play donkey out here. Back room here.

“And there’s a wood floor. It’s gonna hurt my knees, “We’re gonna do it, five minutes, then you go play.

That’s the deal. We’ll make a deal. Fine.”

Go back to the room. So I’m like, ridiculous.

So I get in, and I’m on my hands and knees.

And she–and by the way, don’t feel bad for her.

The minute she gets on me, she’s a Donkey Nazi.

She’s like, “Let’s go, you fuckin’ donkey! Hahhh!”

And I’m like, “Ee-haw. Ee-haw. Ee-haw.”

And I have to keep going “Ee-haw,”

’cause otherwise I’m a lion.

It’s a disaster.

So I’m like, “Ee-haw,” and some A-hole’s like, “That’s actually a good donkey, bro.”

I was like, you know–

I had a hoof, I had a hoof, but he knew what I was doing.

And I’m like, “Ee-haw, ee-haw.”

And so I’m– and she’s making me– she’s got a weird imagination.

She’s like, she’s like, “Eat that tree!”

I’m like, “Honey, donkeys don’t eat trees.”

She’s like, “Eat it!” I’m like, “Nom, nom, nom.”

She’s like, “You’re eating the bark.

You have to eat the leaves.”

I’m like, “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Like, the difference between here and here is everything to a five-year-old.

Nom, nom, nom.

And I’m like, “Ee-haw.” And my knees are hurting.

I’m like, “I’m done with this, man.”

I’m counting the minutes.

I got 30 seconds, I’m gonna kick her off.

And just as I’m about to be like, “You got to get off,” that little girl with the tiara who kicked her out of the play group comes around and she just comes over and she goes, “Make your donkey eat poo.”

And my daughter, from my back– from my back– just turned and she went, “That’s fucking genius! Eat shit, donkey!”

I was like, “Ee-haw! Ee-haw! Nom, nom, nom.”

I swear to God, in five seconds, there were 30 kids pushing each other out of the way to ride the shit donkey.

Everybody. It was unbelievable.

And my daughter was like a barker from Disneyland.

She was the most popular girl at the ball.

She–all of sudden, she’s like, “Let’s go. Three-minute rides.

“I talk to the donkey. I steer the donkey.

“You get behind me.

“Keep your arms and legs behind.

“You get to the back of the line.

“I do not like your dress. I do like your dress.

You get to the front of the line here.”

I carried those kids around for two hours.

I have nerve damage still in my knee.

I couldn’t kick her off, man.

I was like–I was–“Ee-haw.”

My daughter was the baddest chick at that ball.

And that’s what I learned, man.

You want to make the world a better place, yeah, you can be El Gato, you can be a guy like my dad, but for me, I learned that I can also make the world a better place by pretending to be a shit-eating donkey.

I love you guys.

[cheers and applause]