Brian Regan: On The Rocks (2021) – Transcript

Brian Regan tackles the big issues weighing on him, including aging, time, obsessive behavior, backpacks on airplanes, ungrateful horses and raisins.
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Brian Regan On The Rocks (2021)

Filmed in 2020 at the Tuacahn outdoor amphitheater, Utah.

[upbeat rock music plays]

[crowd cheering, applauding]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Brian Regan!

[audience cheering, whistling]

Thank you. Thank you very much, everybody.

[audience cheering]

Thank you. Thank you very, very much. Well, let’s get the gray hair out of the way.

[audience laughing]

Because if I don’t, you won’t listen to a word I say for an hour. You’ll be out there, “Did you know anything about the gray hair?” “I’m just as befuddled as you.”

[audience laughing]

I don’t know what happened either. Covid hit, I went into hibernation and came out a senior citizen.

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping and cheering]

It’s just as well. I was never comfortable in the hair-color aisle anyway. You always have to pretend like you’re there for someone else. “Women, huh?”

[audience laughing]

I like the difference in hair color names between women and men Women have hair color names like ruby fusion. Chocolate cherry. Butterscotch. Men’s hair color: brown!

[audience laughing]

Black! Light brown! Dark black! For men, that is the entire color spectrum.

I don’t know. I’m at the age where I wake up, the first thing I do is try to remember what doctor I’m going to that day.

[audience laughing]

Ah, the dermatologist. Because of that splotch on my back. I don’t want to sound like I’m bragging, but I have to put medicine on my back using a spatula.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] It’s fun going into the drugstore when they ask, “Can we help you find anything?” And I say, “Yes, a spatula, Lotrimin and a hand mirror.”

[audience laughing]

Are you intrigued, my lady?

[audience laughing]

I got my Little Red Riding Hood Walgreens basket, if you could direct me to the proper aisles.

[audience laughing, whistling]

My dermatologist said he needed to do a biopsy of a little mole on the tip of my nose, and I was like, “Wow, that sounds like it’s going to hurt.” He said, “Don’t worry. We’re going to numb it first with a painkiller.” I said, “How?” He said,  “We’re going to puncture a sharp needle into the tip of your nose.”

[audience laughing]

So you’re not canceling the pain. You’re just rescheduling it.

[audience laughing, cheering]

So I go to my regular doctor and he’s like, “What’s going on?” I said, “You tell me. Just above my right knee there’s a little area about three inches up. It’s about the size of a fist. That’s where it doesn’t hurt.

[audience laughing]

And it feels very peculiar. Do you have a pill that can make everything else feel like that? I want an ‘everything else like that’ pill.” My doctor looked at me and said, “Brian, you are way too sedentary.” So I vowed in that moment… to get a dictionary.

[audience laughing]

I haven’t got around to it, just been laying around the house.

[audience laughing]

Or is it “lying” around the house? Doctors specialize, right? Last month I went  to an ear, nose and throat doctor. Last week I went to an arch-of-the-foot, small-of-the-back, nape-of-the-neck doctor.

[audience laughing]

I have fallen arches, my small’s too big, and I have a trick nape. It’s weird, in the human world, there’s a doctor for every body part. But in the animal world, a veterinarian takes care of all animals… and all their parts. That’s got to be the hardest job in the world. Where are the bighorn sheep knee doctors?

[audience laughing]

The wildebeest gastroenterologists? The giraffe throat, throat and throat doctors?

[audience laughing and applauding]

[audience cheering and whistling]

They say the American medical system is the best in the world. I’ll be impressed when I am no longer handed a clipboard when I check in for my doctor visit. That is so Stone Age. You know, we live in a world of bar codes and microchips. What’s with the clipboard? “I’m here for my 10 o’clock appointment.” “Here’s your clipboard. There’s 257 pages on there.” “Here’s a pen with a flower on it.”

[audience laughing]

“Go sit with all those other people and don’t even think of coming back to this counter till you’ve completely filled out your clipboard.”

[audience applauding]

“I’ve been a patient here for many years. You should have all this information.” “Well, our policy is we do it every year. We give you another clipboard. And that way you can experience angst and tension and rage and downright fury, all roiling through your torso.” “And then we take your blood pressure.”

[audience laughing and applauding]

[Brian chuckles] You can’t fix that and you’re going to fix me?

So my doctor told me to get a therapeutic massage for the neck. Um, massages are weird. You know, I never feel comfortable. Always looking through that strange doughnut hole.

[audience laughing]

I’m always thinking weird things like, “I wonder if I could squeeze my head through this.”

[audience laughing]

“But what if I got stuck underneath the table?” “Then I’d be like an upside-down periscope.” “I’d better leave well enough alone and stay on this side of the doughnut hole.” Then I think things like, “Are my eyes supposed to be open?” “I feel like I’m eavesdropping. I’m watching her feet moving around.” Started thinking weird things like, “What if one shoe went that way and one shoe went that way?”

[audience laughing]

“I’d be awfully curious as to what was going on.” “Awfully curious.”

[audience laughing]

So after 10 minutes I said, “I don’t know the protocol… but am I supposed to say, ‘you may begin’?” And she said, “I started 10 minutes ago.” She said, “This is a Reiki massage.” “I don’t actually touch you.”

[audience laughing]

“My hands are just above you, and it’s an energy healing.”

[audience laughing]

So when she was done I said, “I don’t actually touch my wallet.”

[audience laughing and applauding]

“My hand is just above it.” “You should be receiving an energy payment… that you can use to pay your energy bill, see how they feel about the concept.”

[audience cheering and applauding]

So I’m learning things about myself. I learned recently I suffer from OCD. Uh–

[woman whoops]

Thank you.

[audience laughing]

“Suffer” is too strong a word. People say they suffer from things, when that just means they have them. You know, do I look like I’m suffering? I think the word “suffer” should be reserved for a guy writhing on the ground in agony. He’s suffering. Am I allowed to run up to him? “You’re preaching to the choir!”

[audience laughing]

“I have to alphabetize everything!”

[audience laughing]

“Quit wriggling. I’m trying to count your ribs.” “I’m a rib counter.”

[audience laughing]

The alphabetizing thing is not true, at least in my case. People think I’m weirder than I am, and it’s hard for me. They ask questions like, “Brian, with your OCD, do you have to alphabetize your books at home?” And I’m like, “Uh, no.” “I organize my books by when I got them chronologically on the top shelf.” “I don’t have to alphabetize my books. I’m not a kook.”

[audience laughing]

“And the bottom shelf is for the books I’ve completed reading.” “Organized chronologically by the completion date.” “I don’t have to alphabetize them.” Der!

[audience laughing]

“And the middle shelf… is for the books I’m in the process of reading.” “When I start reading a book, I move it from the top shelf to the middle shelf and I organize those chronologically by the start date.” I know exactly what you’re wondering. You’re thinking, “Well, wouldn’t reading the title of the book… count technically as being in the process of reading that book?” “Then how would you distinguish between the top shelf in the middle shelf?” Well, the way I do it…

[audience laughing]

I make myself read all of page one before I allow a shelf change.

[audience laughing and applauding]

I don’t count the introduction, or the foreword, or the book jacket. I do read all of that word for word, but then I make myself read all of page one all the way to the bottom. Unless it ends in the middle of a sentence, I make myself turn the page. I finish the sentence to complete the thought, I turn the page back. I write down what date that book was started. I move that to the middle shelf furthest on the right. I don’t have to alphabetize my books. I’m not out of my mind!

[audience laughing and applauding]

How come when you want things in order they call that a disorder?

[audience laughing]

You know, when I first suspected that I might have OCD, I Googled it. And there are different symptoms. And some I have, and some I don’t. And the ones I have, some I have more strongly than others. So I decided to make a color-coded graph.

[audience laughing]

I wish I was making this up. I listed the symptoms. I said I’m going to rate from 0 to 10 how strongly I feel I have each symptom. Total it up and divide it by the number of symptoms. [chuckles]

[audience laughing]

If I’m higher than 5 I’ll seek professional help. If I’m under 5, I’ll self-diagnose that I am A-okay.

[audience laughing]

Number one: are you the type of person who has to check the stove repeatedly to make sure it’s off? And I’m like, “Uh, zero. That’s Looney Tunes land.”

[audience laughing]

Number two: are you the type of person who has to wash your hands over and over again? And I had this nagging feeling… that I forgot to answer that first question.

[audience laughing]

So I looked up– “Yeah, I did write zero. Okay.” “Hand washing.” “Six.” “That ain’t even right.” I scribbled that out. I got some ink on my hands. I went to go wash my hands. While I’m washing my hands I’m like, “Why did they mention stoves?” So I checked the stove. It was on. I’m like, “I’ll never make that mistake again.” And I came back and I changed “hand washing” to 2.

[audience laughing]

I took the whole test and averaged 5.0. So I’m like, “I still don’t know.”

[audience laughing]

So I decided to buy a book about it. I go into the bookstore, I ask the clerk, “Can you tell me where the self-help section is?” And she said, “Why don’t you try to find that yourself?”

[audience laughing and applauding]

Well, I finally found the section. It was so disorganized, I spent the next three hours rearranging all their books rather than finding out whether or not I have OCD!

[audience cheering, whistling and applauding]

I’ll show you one weird way it manifests itself. Every year when I get the new calendar, I always look ahead because I don’t like the months who are at the bottom. They expect days to share squares.

My brain can’t handle that.

[audience laughs]

“Oh no, October’s going to be square-sharing month.” Why do they do that? Days don’t want roommates. You don’t want the 31st going up to the 24th: “Hey, can I squeeze in there with you?”

[audience laughing]

“Get the hell out of here!” “There’s empty squares on the top of the next page.” You might think that’s weird, unless one of those days is special to you. If it’s your birthday, you don’t want to be wedged up in the corner of a triangle. “Happy birthday, sort of, kind of squished up here.” And then right across the diagonal it says, “Take trash to dump.”

[audience laughing]

I’ve always been interested in calendars and time. Uh, I grew up in the Eastern Time Zone. I now live in the Pacific Time Zone. And what’s weird living out there, when anybody from the Eastern Time Zone leaves the voice message, they always feel they have to compute the time difference. I’m always getting messages: “Hey, Brian, it’s, four o’clock my time. That’s one o’clock your time.”

[audience laughing]

Oh! [groans softly]

[audience applauding]

I know what time it is where I am.

[audience laughing]

I have a friend who does that all the time. He recently left this message: “Brian, do me a favor. Call me back. I’m going to be out for about 20 minutes my time, that’s, uh…

[audience laughing]

Uh, just call me back.”

[audience laughing]

When? What’s the formula?

When I was a kid, it was weird learning about time zones. Learning that there were 24 around the world. I looked at a globe and saw all the lines met at the top, and I thought, “What time is it up there?” Could you put your hand on the pole and walk around, “It’s 1:00, 2:00, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00, 6:00!”?

[audience laughing and applauding, then cheering]

[man] Yeah!

How would you plan anything up there? “We’re gonna meet at five o’clock.”

[audience laughing]

“Where were you?” “I was just south of here.”

Well, in addition to the OCD, I also have a little social anxiety. But I force myself to go to parties and stuff, but there are things people do that bug me.

[audience laughing]

I don’t like when somebody pronounces a word differently than everybody else to try to sound smart. Just say it like everybody else. I’m at this party, I walk up to this group of strangers. First thing I hear, uh, this guy goes, “Another thing about  ‘Jengus’ Khan…” I’m like, “Oh, jeez.”

[audience laughing]

“I already don’t like this guy.”

[audience laughing]

I go, “Oh, uh, Genghis Khan?” “It was actually pronounced ‘Jengus.'” [chuckles haughtily]

[audience laughing]

I’m guessing you were there at the time. You and the Jeng-man palling around town. So I wanted to sound smart. So I was like, “Oh, Jengus Khan, the ‘Mongo-lian em-peror.’

[audience laughing and applauding]

[woman cheers]

Wasn’t he the ‘con-kerer’ of ‘Cheena’?”

[audience laughing]

Well, I felt this little circle tighten on me.

[audience laughing]

I’ve done just been ostracized.

Walk up to this second group. And I don’t know what to do when somebody says something I don’t agree with. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do as a person. I’ve always grappled with that. I walk up, this woman says, “Animals are smarter than people.” I’m like, “Oh, jeez.”

[audience laughing]

“I just got here.”

[audience laughing]

I look at the others like, “Anybody want to take this?”

[audience laughing]

“Low-hanging fruit.” “I just took the hit over at that little circle.” “If somebody could step up to the plate here so I could hang around for longer than two minutes…”

[audience laughing]

But nobody else is even looking up, they’re shuffling their shoes… and trying to figure out the dynamic. “They must work for her. Something’s going on.” But I couldn’t say nothing. But I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it either. I don’t know these people. So I decided to make a lighthearted joke. So I said, “Oh, how do animals do on the SAT test?”

[audience laughing]

[woman] Yeah!

[people whooping]

Just a little “ha-ha-ha.”

[audience laughing]

I didn’t get the “ha-ha-ha.” I just felt the temperature drop. And this woman glares at me and says, “Animals are smarter than people.” “Like, case closed.” Well, I can’t take that.

[audience laughing]

But before I could say anything, she said, “What about the beavers?”

[audience laughing]

Forcing me to say, “What about the beavers?”

[audience laughing]

There was no other line on my script at that point. Nothing can ever follow, “What about the beavers?”

[audience laughing]

Except another, “What about the beavers?” “What about the beavers?” “What about the beavers?”

[audience laughing]

So she explains to me. She said, “The beavers are smarter than people.” “They know how to all get in the water, and they all know how to gather sticks… and bring them to one area, and they know how to put mud on their tails and slap the sticks together, and they can affect the flow of a river.”

[audience laughing]

Hoover Dam.

[audience laughing and applauding]

Smart. Stupid.

[audience laughing]

Human engineering. Pile of muddy sticks.

[audience laughing]

So I asked her, “If you hired a company to build a dam… and they all got out of their trucks… and they all started getting in river water… and started gathering twigs and… nosing them around on the surface of the water… would you be on the riverbank: ‘Look how smart they are!’?”

[audience laughing]

Well, everyone got real quiet.

[audience laughing]

And she doubled down. She said, “What about the honeybees?” So I looked at my script.

[audience laughing]

“What about the honeybees?” “What about the honeybees?” “What about them?” “What about the honeybees?”

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] So she said, “Uh, the honeybees are smarter than people.” “They know that they only need one of them to go in a figure-eight pattern… and wiggle its behind, and it can let all the other honeybees know where the flowers are.”

[audience laughing]

“What if your Uncle Larry had to do that to show you where the fridge was?”

[audience laughing]

[cheering and applause]

Nobody could quench their thirst till Uncle Larry showed up.

[audience laughing]

With his groundbreaking communication techniques. Well, this little circle popped me out like a champagne cork.

[audience laughing]

“Jengus” Khan is looking over at me. He’s like, “You don’t know how to make friends, do you?” I’m like, “I don’t think so.” Man without a country.

[audience laughing]

Walk up to this third little circle.

And I’m trying to learn how to be a better listener. So I just decided to just say nothing. And there was a guy there telling everyone a story about the lottery numbers that he had recently picked. Whoo! What a story.

[audience laughing]

I’m going to try to duplicate it for you, but it’s going to be challenging, because this guy was drilling it. He had everyone gathered around and he was like, “So I got, uh, four lottery tickets.” “The, uh, first ticket, I picked a 2… 4, 7, 21, 36.” “The second ticket… I had the 2, 5– I had the 4 on the first ticket.” “Got the 5 on the second ticket.” “2, 5.” “16, 17, got those back-to-back on the second ticket.” “Back-to-back, 16, 17, back-to-back… 28, 31.” “Thirty-one was the last number on– That I got on the second ticket.” This is the story that he’s sharing with humans.

[audience laughing]

“Third ticket… I picked a 2.  I’m always on a 2.” “You know me, I always got the 2 covered.” “I knew I had the 4 on the first ticket and a 5 on the second, so I got the 6 on the third. 2, 6, 17, 19.” “Decided to leapfrog over the 18.” “Leapfrog action, landed on the 19.” “43– 43 was the last number on the third ticket.” “Fourth ticket.”

[audience laughing]

“I picked the 2.” Duh.

[audience laughing]

“I don’t know why I’m boring you with the 2.” “You know me, if I got a ticket, I got the 2.” “Walking down the street holding a ticket, you don’t have to look, you know I got the 2.”

[audience laughing]

“Anyway… I knew I had the 4, 5 and 6 on the other ticket, so I got them all  on that fourth ticket. 2, 4, 5, 6.” “Something said, ‘Get the 3.'” “Something said, Go back and get that 3.'” “Something said, ‘Jump on that 3.’ Something said, ‘Nail down that 3.'” “So I get the 3. 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 17 and the 44.” “And my thinking on the 44 was… ‘Hey, get the 44.'”

[audience laughing]

So as you can imagine, everyone’s jaws were agape.

[audience laughing]

So I wanted to throw the right log on the fire to keep this baby burning.

[audience laughing] When you got this kind of flame blazing, you can’t risk having it smolder out. You want to throw the proper heat in that direction, so I was like, “Whoo!”

[audience laughing]

“Woo-hoo!” “Crazy!”

[audience laughing]

“What happened?” “None of the tickets hit.”

[audience laughing]

“Whoa!” “What a twist at the end.”

[audience laughing]

“What a curveball finish.” “I could have sworn that was all going somewhere.”

[audience laughing]

“Could have sworn it. But you flipped the tables.” “You managed to follow nothing with less.”

[audience laughing and applauding]

[audience cheering]

Losing lottery numbers he shares as cocktail party banter.

[audience laughing]

So I didn’t fit in with any of the groups. So I just went over and rearranged some bookshelves.

[audience laughing and applauding]

If I do go to a party, I need to stand, man. I need to be able to pinball away from situations. “Bing! That’s not working.” “Bing! Not for me.” “Bing! Nope!”

[audience laughing]

Sitting is way too claustrophobic. Like a dinner party. You don’t know who you’re going to be sitting next to. It could be two hours. It’s a crapshoot. “Brian, you’re going to be sitting here next to Donnie Doldrums.” “Hey, how’s it going?” “Hey, how are you? Huh.”

[audience laughing]

“You missed the beginning of this. I was telling everybody about how our Des Moines office had an administrative meeting.” “And as a result of that meeting, we realized that the factory output in our northeast quadrant… was substandard in relation to what we had anticipated after bringing in a consulting team from Peoria.”

[audience laughing]

My face is in the mashed potatoes, just blowing brown gravy bubbles. [blowing raspberries]

[audience laughing]

“No, don’t revive me. Don’t revive me.” [continues blowing] “It’s in my living will. Let me be.” [continues blowing]

I don’t like dinner parties. I don’t like restaurants either. One reason is,  I don’t like mushrooms.

[audience laughing]

[woman whooping]

I don’t like mushrooms. People say, “What’s the big deal?” “Just make sure you never order mushrooms.” All right, let me explain the problem.

[audience laughing]

There is not a food on earth that is more often put onto and into other foods without anybody ever asking… than mushrooms. It’s happened too many times to count. “Here’s that chicken dinner you ordered.” “And you’ll be happy to notice…

[audience laughing]

…that it is smothered… with mushrooms.” “Oh, I did notice.” “I didn’t order mushrooms. It doesn’t say mushrooms on the menu.” “You don’t have to worry about that.” “You had nothing to do with this.” “We decided all by ourselves… when we were in the kitchen, with no input from you.” “We unilaterally decided to smother [yelling] everything you love in life…

[audience laughing]

…with mushrooms!”

[audience cheering and applauding]

I don’t know if I made this clear: I don’t like mushrooms.

[audience laughing]

I don’t like raisins either. Not to the degree of mushrooms, I just don’t like raisins. But I’m intrigued when people try to talk me into liking raisins. Like it’s a psychological flaw.

[audience laughing]

People love to go, “Brian…

[audience laughing]

…do you like grapes?”

[audience laughing]

Here we go. “Yeah. Yeah, I like grapes.” “Well…

[audience laughing]

…raisins… are just dried-up grapes!”

[audience laughing]

“Oh.” “Oh, I’ve loved them all along.”

[audience laughing]

“I had no idea.” So I love to hit them back with… “Do you like ham sandwiches?”

[audience laughing]

“You do?” “Well… would you like if I put one outside… for three weeks… in the broiling sun… on a picnic table, so it shriveled up to the point of unrecognizability… [in high-pitched voice] and put it on a plate and gave it to you?” “Would you like that?”

[audience laughing]

“Well?” “It’s just a ham sandwich!”

[audience cheering and applauding]

[in regular voice] It’s not a grape now.

[audience laughing]

I do like mayonnaise. I like mayonnaise to the degree that it had to come into a New Year’s resolution.

[audience laughing]

It was a New Year’s resolution that I could not order extra mayonnaise on my sandwiches. I could order mayonnaise, but I couldn’t use the word “extra.” I found out very quickly I wasn’t getting enough mayonnaise.

[audience laughing]

But I didn’t want to break my resolution. So here’s how I would order lunch. “Um, Hi. Uh… I would like a turkey sandwich with Swiss cheese, lettuce, and, uh… [clears throat] mayonnaise!”

[audience laughing]

“You hear what I’m saying here?” “I want mayonnaise!”

[audience laughing]

“Capital M, A, Y…

[audience laughing]

…and the rest of the letters that are necessary for ‘mayonnaise.'”

[audience cheering and applauding]

Hey, I saw something interesting today on social media. Somebody posted a very strong political opinion. And somebody replied, “Good point. I changed my mind.”

[audience laughing and applauding]

[audience cheering]

No, I’m sorry. I saw a unicorn. I saw a unicorn. I saw a purple glittery flying unicorn. Here’s something I’ve learned about social media: the expression “just saying”… ain’t never preceded by a compliment.

[audience laughing]

When I tweet, I never want to try to sound too young. But I also don’t want to sound too old. And I saw Metallica in concert. They’re great.

[audience cheering]

I wanted to tweet that they were great, but I didn’t want to come off like an old fuddy-duddy. But I also didn’t want to try to sound like a young whippersnapper.

[audience laughing]

So I settled on, “Boy, these fellas sure know how to boogie.”

[audience laughing]

I think I hit the sweet spot. All my followers thought I was the cat’s pajamas.

[audience laughing]

“Pajamas” is a funny word. I like words. What is the smallest? “Tiny,” “teeny…” “itty-bitty…” “itsy-bitsy…” “teeny-weeny…” or “teensy-weensy”?

[audience laughing]

Kind of stuff keeps me up late at night.

[audience laughing]

Scientists need to know when they’re looking in microscopes. “I would describe this amoeba… as itty-bitty.”

[audience laughing]

“Professor, come over here. See if you concur.” “See if you concur that this amoeba is itty-bitty.” “Let me take a look at that.” “That’s not itty-bitty.” “That’s teensy-weensy.”

[audience laughing]

How come only small stuff gets cute nicknames? How come we don’t say the planet Jupiter is biggy-wiggy?

[audience laughing]

“The universe is hugey-magroojy!”

[audience laughing]

I love space stuff. I saw a scientist on TV say they know, if they build a space probe to explore distant galaxies and shoot it out, that a hundred years from now we’ll be able to build a better, faster space probe that will catch and pass that first one before it ever gets anywhere.

[audience laughing]

So the message is clear. Everything we do today… is a waste of time.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding and cheering]

We do send rovers up to Mars. They’re analyzing rocks. And some scientists think some of the rocks are from volcanoes. [chuckles] Okay.

[audience laughing]

If they expect me to believe that volcanoes… blew rocks… all the way to Mars…

[audience laughing]

Even Vesuvius in its heyday didn’t have that kind of oomph.

[audience laughing]

We’re looking for water on Mars. We’re wheeling all around trying to find water. Have we given up here?

[audience laughing]

I want to bring the scientists over to my kitchen sink. “Look what I discovered.” “When I pull this up… water shoots out of the end of this thing.”

[audience laughing]

“How’s it going on Mars?” “Because this appears to be endless.” “Get some science jugs and fill those babies up, because I have hit the moisture mother lode.”

[audience laughing]

They’re looking for water to see if there’s life on Mars. And I’ve always wondered, what if there is life on Mars… but it’s teensy-weensy?

[audience laughing]

And we’re just crushing it with our rovers.

[audience laughing]

The camera on the front: “Everything appears to be dry and desolate.” Under the wheels: [screams]

[audience laughing]

We’re just mushing Martians into mulch. “What’s that green streak?”

[audience laughing]

I was 11 years old when we landed on the moon. Our whole family was gathered around a TV. My parents raised some good kids. I didn’t pursue a life of crime.

[audience laughing]

One reason, I remember that expression when I was a kid: “crime does not pay.” Crime does not pay? That’s why we shouldn’t do it? “Do you do crime?” “Oh, well, I love crime.” “I love almost everything about crime. Crime is fantastic.” “You don’t have to sell me on that side of the equation.”

[audience laughing]

“The reason… the reason that I don’t do crime… and I’ve crunched the numbers…

[audience laughing]

…it doesn’t pay!”

[audience laughing]

“Sure, if it paid, I’d be doing crime left and right.” “But crime doesn’t pay, so that’s why I don’t do crime.”

[audience laughing]

Another crime motto even more twisted: “Don’t do the crime… if you can’t do the time.”

[audience] “If you can’t do the time.”

Damn. I’m intrigued that the motto isn’t, “Don’t do the crime… because that would be wrong.”

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering and applauding]

They have to make it a choice between two selfish options? “Oh, that crime? I want to do it!” “That’s a great crime. I want to do that crime.” The problem, though, with that particular crime, it’s 15 years in the federal penitentiary. [grunts loudly]

[audience laughing]

[yells] “I don’t have the time!”

[audience laughing]

“I wish I could, but I have a family and dreams.”

[audience laughing]

“I don’t have enough time to do that crime.” “Now this crime, on the other hand, one month in the county jail?”

[audience laughing]

“I’m doing it!” “I have enough time. I have enough time to do that crime.”

[audience laughing]

“I base my crime decisions on how much time I have available in my calendar.” “That’s what I’ve been taught.” That’s us teaching us. As much as I’m against crime, there are things we do to criminals that I think are unfair. I think it’s unfair that tampering with evidence is an additional crime on top of the actual crime.

[audience laughing]

Talk about piling on. Anything that would be done naturally during the scope of the crime should just be part of the crime.

[audience laughing]

Tampering with evidence. Has any criminal ever taken that into consideration… when fleeing the scene of a crime? “All right, let’s get out of here!” “Toby, what are you doing?” “I’m wiping up the fingerprints and getting rid of everything.” “Are you crazy?”

[audience laughing]

“That’s a crime!”

[audience laughing]

“You’re going to get us in trouble!”

[audience laughing]

You’re not allowed to tamper with evidence after you commit a crime. You’re not allowed. Has any criminal ever not tampered with evidence… and gotten anything out of that? “You’ve been found guilty of the crime in question.” “Your penalty: life in prison without the possibility of parole.” “But…

[audience laughing]

…we do want to note you were nice enough not to tamper with the evidence.”

[audience laughing]

“In fact, the lead investigator said it was the most pristine crime scene… he’d ever happened upon in his entire illustrious career.” “So as a tip of the hat, you get to choose… top bunk or bottom.”

[audience laughing and cheering]

I saw a thing on the news,  a judge dismissed a case without prejudice. Whoa. Shouldn’t that always be the case?

[audience laughing]

How else would you do that? “Case dismissed. And it’s because you’re white like me.”

[audience laughing]

“Get out of here, you knucklehead.”

[audience laughing and applauding]

If the defendant does not take the stand in his defense… the judge has to instruct the jury something to this effect: “Notice in this trial the defendant chose not to take the stand in his defense.” “You are not allowed to weigh that one way or the other while considering the rest of the evidence.” I understand the need for instructions. I think they should just tweak them a tad. I think the judge should say, “You might notice in this trial, the defendant chose not to take the stand in his defense.” “We just want you to know that means… [clears throat]

[audience laughing]

[clearing throat loudly] …you can start validating parking.”

[audience laughing]

I can’t even imagine not taking the stand in my defense if I was innocent of something. You imagine your lawyer asking you, “Do you want to go tell him you didn’t do it?” “I’m awfully bashful.”

[audience laughing]

“I know, but they’re thinking of throwing you in the electric chair, so… maybe if you could muscle through your discomfort.”

[audience laughing]

“I’ll take my chances.”

[audience laughing]

“Fire up the chair, Your Honor.” “What do you want from me?” I heard some states carry out capital punishment at 7:00 in the morning. Talk about cruel.

[audience laughing]

Is that guy supposed to get some sleep the night before? “Yeah, I think I’m going to hit the rack.” “Get some shut-eye.” “Yup, got a short day tomorrow.”

[audience laughing]

I’ll tell you what should be a crime: people boarding planes while wearing backpacks.

[audience cheering and applauding]

If you’re someone who does that, a little heads-up: your backpacks are hitting people in the face.

[audience laughing]

[imitating thudding] “I only care about what’s in front of me!” [imitates thudding] “The hell with everything in my wake!” [imitates thudding]

[audience laughing]

You know when you sit in the emergency exit row seat and you agree to save everyone…

[audience laughing]

…how come when the flight is over, no one thanks you?

[audience laughing and applauding]

Seriously. It’s amazing what you might have done. You’d think someone would take note of that. “Hey, I heard what went down before takeoff.” “Thank you.” “The fact that you were willing to put your life on the line to save me, my family and all the other souls on this plane is nothing short of outstanding.” “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.” No, just a backpack to the back of the head. [imitates thudding] “I was an almost-responder!”

[audience laughing]

[cheers and applause]

I like to be thanked. That’s why I know I would never be good at that animal rescue stuff. I wouldn’t be good at it. You ever see news footage of some wild horse stuck in a ravine? They got to bring trucks in, and chains, and harnesses, and figure out how to get down into the ravine, and get the harness around this horse while it’s going berserk, pull this thing out while it’s kicking and going nuts, get close enough to get the harness off without getting hurt, and soon as they do, it just hauls into the woods. “Hey!”

[audience laughing]

I would want the horse to stop somewhere before the tree line. Clippity-cloppity clip. “Thanks.”

[audience laughing]

Then do that up-on-the-hind-leg thing. [neighing] Then haul into the woods.

[audience laughing]

Am I asking for too much? All I’m saying is if I scrub oil off a duck with a toothbrush…

[audience laughing]

I’m going to want a little quack-you.

[audience laughing]

Turn your little duck head and go, “Thanks.” That’s all I needed from you. “Wouldn’t have been able to do this without you.” “Yeah, I know.” “People are smarter than animals.”

[audience laughing]

[cheering and applause]

“With all due respect, I wouldn’t have oil on me if it weren’t for people.”

[audience laughing]

“Just saying.” “Somebody shut this stupid talking duck up.”

[audience laughing]

“Stupid talking duck.”

[audience cheering and applauding]

This is a beautiful venue. Look at this.

[audience cheering and applauding]

Amazing. I get to play some pretty cool places. Some places I play have an orchestra pit. Those words don’t belong together. “Orchestra.” “Pit!”

[audience laughing]

The people who work there look tremendous. They come in in gowns and tuxedos. Man, you guys look amazing. Oh, you’re in the orchestra. “Get in the pit! Get in the pit!” “Get down in the pit!” “Get in the pit!”

[audience laughing]

Why do they have to dress so nice? You can’t even see them.

[audience laughing]

At the end of the show, they stand up and bow. At best you see their eyebrows. “Thank you.” “Thank you very much.” “Thank– I’m wearing $90 socks for some reason, thank you.” “Thank you, thank you.” You know what kills me? When you go to a show that has an orchestra, how come as you’re walking in, they’re practicing? I never understood that. You’re walking in, you’re hearing: [imitates horn blowing low notes]

[audience laughing]

[imitates playing high notes] [imitates alternating high and low notes] “Hey, uh… doors are open.”

[audience laughing]

“Paid a lot of money for these tickets.” “Could you all practice before we get here?” [imitates playing low notes] “I bet we’re going to be hearing that again later.”

[audience laughing]

[imitates low notes] [imitating playing rapid high notes] “Bet something’s going to fly in this show.”

[audience laughing]

What is that? You don’t want to see the actor practicing as you’re walking in. “To be, or not to– No, too big. Too big. Bring it down.” “To be– Nope, too subtle. Split the difference.” “To be– Oh, they’re coming in.”

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Makes you wonder, is that how the actor runs, or the character?

[audience laughing]

I don’t understand marching bands. I understand bands. I don’t understand marching bands. There are many occupations in this world. And how come none of the others have taken on this added task?

[audience laughing]

You don’t see marching taxidermists.

♪ You got to stuff that otter ♪
♪ You got to stuff it good  ♪
♪ Stuff that otter And stick it on some wood ♪

[audience laughing]

“Why don’t you sit down and stuff the otter?” “It might be easier if you were seated.”

[audience laughing]

Yes, it’s ridiculous. So why is it normal for bands? What group of musicians were sitting around…? [imitates strumming tune] Don’t ask what instrument that’s supposed to be.

[audience laughing and applauding]

[imitates strumming tune] [chuckles] [imitates strumming] [imitates strumming]

[audience laughing]

“Hey, I got an idea.” “Why don’t we kick these chairs out from underneath us… and start walking around and trying to spell stuff with our bodies…

[audience laughing]

…so people in blimps know what teams we support?” “I’m sure the tuba player loved that idea.” “Oh, great.” [imitates playing tuba]

[audience laughing]

“Great idea, flute person.” [imitating playing tuba] The marching band had to be a flute person’s idea. “Come on, let’s march.” [imitating playing flute] “Come on.” “Wait! We need straps and stuff!” “Come on. It’s easy.” [imitates playing flute] “Wait! We need harnesses!”

[audience laughing]

[imitates playing flute] [yelling] “We’re not ready! We’re not ready!”

[audience laughing]

[cheering and applause]

Hey, whoever invented the bagpipes… I don’t think he’s finished yet.

[audience laughing]

You ever look at that monstrosity? He must have thought there was a deadline at the patent office. He probably just ran in and threw that on a counter. [yells] “Am I too late?”

[audience laughing]

“What in the world is that?” “It’s a bag! With pipes stuck in it! “I stuck the pipes in a bag!” “Bagpipes.”

[audience laughing]

“No, I see it.”

[audience laughing]

“Why?”

[audience laughing]

“What does it do?” “What does it do? It’s a bag with pipes!” “Sticking in and out of it!” “What does it do?” [imitates high-pitched note]

[audience laughing]

“What does it do?” [imitates high-pitched note] “What does it do?” [imitates note] “What…?”

[audience laughing]

What does it do?

[audience laughing]

How can you tell if anybody’s ever playing them well? You have a guy over here– [imitates playing high-pitched notes] “He’s the best.”

[audience laughing]

This guy’s over here– [imitates playing high-pitched notes] “He doesn’t know how to play that thing.” “Stick your elbow more in the bag. Everybody knows that.”

[audience laughing]

Hey, you guys are wonderful.

[audience cheering]

Thank you very much. Thank you.

[bagpipe music playing]

[cheering continues]

Thank you so much. You guys are great. Really appreciate it. Good night.

[bagpipe music continues]

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Kathleen Madigan - Madigan Again (2013)

Kathleen Madigan: Madigan Again (2013) – Transcript

Comic Kathleen Madigan delivers new material derived from time spent with her Irish Catholic Midwest family, eating random pills out of her mother’s purse, touring Afghanistan, her unparalleled love of John Denver and more.

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