Bill Burr Presents: Friends Who Kill (2022) | Transcript

In a night of killer comedy, Bill Burr hosts a showcase of his most raucous stand-up comic pals as they riff on everything from COVID to Michael Jackson.
Bill Burr Presents: Friends Who Kill (2022)

[rock music]

[announcer] Please welcome Bill Burr.

All right, what’s going on? How are you? Good evening. Good evening and welcome. Welcome to this wonderful evening of stand-up comedy. All right, you guys have great energy. I like that. I’m liking the energy already.

It’s safe to say I guess the pandemic’s over? It kinda is, right? I mean, nobody gives a fuck anymore, so basically, it’s over, right? It killed all the weak people, you know? The strong people are here to survive. The fatties are gone, the asthmatics, people with lisps. None of ’em made it! But you guys survived. Yeah, you guys survived. Yeah, they said it killed a whole bunch of people, but I gotta be honest. Have you really noticed? I mean, you drive down the highway, there’s still traffic. I thought it was gonna be like, “Wow! Holy shit, a lot of people died. That’s so sad, but fucking awesome, all at the same time!”

I gotta be honest though, I saw a lot of you youngsters didn’t wear masks. I got upset at first, but then I did the math. I understand why you didn’t wear ’em. You know what I mean? You knew you were gonna survive. Right? You went to college. You bought the dream. You left with the debt and there was no jobs. So you played the only card you had. Get COVID and breathe on somebody older with a corner office. That’s what you do, all right? Power is not given away. It has to be taken. And people have to die, historically speaking. People have to go.

You know what did amaze me during all of this? Was the amount of shit that doctors got from non-doctors… slash complete fucking morons. People who had to go to summer school. “According to my Internet research, if you take a little bleach, vitamin D and aspirin…” And people are like, listening to ’em. Like, my favorite heckle doctors got from people was, like, “Dude, what’s the last thing they even cured? What? Fucking polio?” It’s like, “No. HPV.” They just came out with a vaccine for HPV. No more warts on your dick. We should be carrying these people around on our shoulders. Thank you… for not having to make me go down to the doctor. And be like, “That’s not a birthmark, is it?” Or even worse, you’re too shy to go, so you try to do self-surgery with a frozen Bud Light can. “Stick it on there, freeze it off!” Bud Light, one of the big sponsors of this comedy tonight.

They say that, “What was the last thing they cured?” How about AIDS? Dude, AIDS was gonna kill everybody. You get it from fucking. It was over. Now look at it. Now you can get it, they give you one pill. It doesn’t even show up on a test! You can go out and bang somebody, no condom, they don’t even get it! According to my Internet research! Don’t listen to me, but I think that’s what I overheard in a bar.

“What’s the last thing they cured?” Do you know what fake legs looked like when I was a kid? Huh? First of all, there was only one color, it was like Band-Aid color. And everybody knew you had a fake leg. You’re fucking walking down the street and everybody… “He’s got a fake leg! What do you think happened?” Motorcycle accident, fell down a flight of stairs, got impatient with a woodchipper. Right? Everybody knew you had a fake leg. Now, if you have fake legs, you’re not allowed to compete with people with real legs in the Olympics, because not having legs is now more of an advantage than having real legs. Doctors make better legs than God. All right, your calves, and your feet flopping around, are no match for a couple of sickles. These people just skiing down the fucking street. You get ’em by some train tracks that go downhill, you’re never gonna see ’em again!

I enjoyed people being their own doctors. I loved it. Good, kill yourselves, kill yourselves. There’s too many of us, it’s fantastic.

All right, this is a weird thing to say in LA, but I’m really into guns. I do. I love guns. I don’t own a gun, I didn’t grow up with them, so, I know that I’m an idiot, so I’ll probably kill myself, but I don’t have a problem with guns, you know? Liberals gotta quit trying to take away conservative people’s guns, they just gotta stop doing that shit. Because when you try to take away their guns, then you get them in a corner where they gotta start defending everybody with a gun. You know? Like that fucking idiot, Rittenhouse, right? That moron. And they’re gonna sit there like, “No, he’s a bright guy. He was a good guy with a gun.” My favorite thing about that was why did he go up there? It’s like, “Well, he loved his town. He loved it.” It’s like, “Oh, yeah, when it snows out, does he show up with a shovel?” “Private Rittenhouse, reporting for duty. Boy, oh boy, do I love this sidewalk. My goodness.”

I’ll tell ya, that guy went there to feel threatened. And he felt threatened and he fucking killed two people. Turns out the two people he killed were a convicted child molester, and a skateboarder. Two of the most annoying people in society. So as dumb as this kid is, he somehow went two for two. Unbelievable! It’s like when they bring some fat guy out of the crowd, halftime at an NBA game, “You hit this half-court shot, fatty, you could win a Dodge– fucking Durango.” “All right.” [shouts] [blows air] “Nothing but net! Holy shit!” Yeah, Rittenhouse did it twice, “I got the other side! Bam! Skateboarder, go fuck yourself!”

People try to say his mother drove him to the riot. I don’t believe that, I think that’s some liberal horseshit they made up. I just can’t imagine that conversation going down like that. Like, she’s sitting at home, hears him upstairs and is like, “Honey! Honey, what are you doing? You going out tonight? What are you doing?” “Going to a riot.” “Do you want a ride?” “All right, but you gotta drop me off like two blocks away, so my other racist friends don’t see my mommy drove me.” “All right, are you gonna wear a jacket?” “Mom!” “Don’t yell at me the way your father did! And bring your AR-15. I’ll see you in the car.”

I don’t know about that dude. Only thing I can say about that dude is I hope he never does a 23andMe. Okay, because with those big pouty lips I don’t think he’s gonna like the results. Then he’s gonna have to go down to the hideout, knocking on the door, “Come on, man, I’m like 91% you.” “Und the Führer only accepts 100% percent Caucasian!”

All right, give yourselves a round of applause, everybody!

[applause]

We’re gonna keep this show going. We’ve got nothing, nothing but killers on this show. You guys are an awesome crowd, and I can’t think of a better way to start this show.

This is one of my favorite joke writers out there. She’s written for all the late-night shows, even performed for a president, and she’s here tonight for you. Please welcome the amazing Michelle Wolf!

Come on, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Give it up for Bill!

[cheers and applause]

You know, we’re both redheads, I don’t know if this is a show or a fetish. I, um, I want women to get ahead.

[light whooping]

Yeah, we only needed four. I want women to get ahead, but I just don’t know if it’s gonna happen. Because, uh, we’re not good at it. Like, we have the first female vice president, and everyone got really excited. They were like, “Now little girls everywhere, little girls everywhere will know it’s possible.” Yeah, little girls everywhere else already knew it was possible. America’s like the last place to have a female leader. She’s not even really… the leader. We’re like, the last place to have a female leader.

Kosovo’s been a country for 13 years, they’ve already had two female leaders. Germany had Angela Merkel for I don’t know how long, long enough for me to know it’s “An-guh-lah.” Myanmar’s one of the least developed countries in Asia. It’s had a female leader who’s been overthrown by the military twice! And each time, that little Asian lady claws her way back up to the top. She is definitely not a white woman. She would’ve just stayed down and been like, “This is not fair.” “Little girls everywhere…”

Some people make the argument, they’re like, “Well, some people just need to see it happen to know it’s possible.” All right, well then, you’re not a leader. That’s like the exact opposite definition of a leader. Like, “Guys, I’m gonna show you the way, if you could just– if I could follow you maybe.” And use that anywhere else, you’re in school. You’re in school, you’re looking at someone’s paper, and they’re like– the teacher comes up to you and she’s like, “What are you doing?” And you’re like, “I just need to know it was possible.” “Little girls.”

And they only do this when good things happen to women. They don’t do this when bad things happen to women or when women achieve bad things. You know, like when 2 Girls 1 Cup came out, no one was like… “Now little girls everywhere…”

I make fun of white women a lot. But only because it’s fun and easy. You know? And white women, we blame a lot of stuff on white men. We blame a lot of stuff on white men, which I think is a little bit crazy because we did make you. It’s just made me very sure of one thing. White women should never be allowed to make robots. Before you get all, like huffy, I’m not saying you can’t make robots, although I doubt it a little bit. I’m not– I’m just saying you should never be allowed to make robots, because if robots get out of hand and start taking over everything and being real evil, white women will be like, “Well, I don’t know, I just love ’em.” “I mean, not my robot.”

Not all white women are bad. Some white women really do try to put in the work. They try to do good things. You know, like, uh, two summers ago, we realized that Black lives matter. Then we fixed it. We did. Waiting till two summers ago to realize Black lives matter is like needing to see that documentary to know SeaWorld is bad. Like, “Did you know whales shouldn’t live in a sink?”

But white women, they really put in the work, you know? We protested. We made signs. We really tried. But then something terrible happened to a lot of white women. Something terrible happened to us. Some of us realized that we’ve actually been racist this whole time. We were shocked! We were so shocked, we pulled our purse closer.

But after that, we were like, “Well, from now on, we’re gonna learn, we’re gonna listen, we’re gonna hear, we’re gonna open a small Black business. But most importantly, from now on, we’re gonna do better. We wanna do better.” And all jokes aside, I think that’s the only way forward for us as a society. You can’t change the past. All you can do is better moving forward. And I think that’s what we should try to do.

[cheers and applause]

Except… that’s almost exactly the same thing men said about #MeToo, and we found that answer completely unacceptable. Men were like, “Us? The whole time?” “Well, from now on, we’re gonna learn, we’re gonna listen, we’re gonna hear, we’re gonna open a small Black business. But most importantly, from now on, we’re gonna do better. We wanna do better.” And we were like, “No! Not good enough! You all have to die! It doesn’t matter what you did, you could’ve raped somebody or accidentally whispered into a boob. It’s all the same! And you have to die!” #MeToo was the worst-run movement I’ve ever seen. We ran #MeToo like Amelia Earhart. We crashed it immediately. It should’ve been a conversation. We needed to have a conversation about these things, and you weren’t even allowed to ask questions. And I know men had questions, because I had questions. Like I’d hear some women say something that was a #MeToo, and I’d be like, “Hey, the thing that you just said is a #MeToo, is actually a thing that I like.” So how do we tell men about that? Some women would be like, “Men shouldn’t use their power to have sex.” And then other women would be like, “I like it when men use their power to have sex.” And then men were like, “Can you tell us which one you are? And we were like, “No! But for different reasons.” Some women would be like, “This man, he hit on me at work. It made me uncomfortable. That’s harassment.” It’s like, “Okay, so do you want no one to hit on you at work?” “No, I only want the men who I want to hit on me to hit on me at work.” “Okay, do you wanna make, like, a list of who they are?” “No, I’m mysterious.” “Well then, buckle up, Nancy Drew, you’ve got some uncomfortable times headed your way.”

White women, we do this all the time, we say, “You made me uncomfortable. I’m uncomfortable.” Like we’re supposed to be comfortable. I’ve never been comfortable once in my entire life. When I’m about to fall asleep, at my most relaxed, when I’m about to fall asleep, my body jerks awake, like, “Never rest, bitch!”

We say everything makes us uncomfortable– men, women– We say women make us uncomfortable. That’s the one I hate the most. We say women of color, all the time, we tell them they make us uncomfortable. Like, a couple of years ago, at the Super Bowl, we say J. Lo and Shakira made us uncomfortable. A couple years before that at the Super Bowl, we said Beyoncé made us uncomfortable. A couple years before that at the Super Bowl, we said Janet Jackson made us uncomfortable.

I think a lot of white women only see women of color at the Super Bowl. They’re like, “This show is different than Friends.”

But this one makes me so mad, because this one, women, we say it’s family values. We say, “How dare those women move their hips like that in front of my children and my husband. It’s immoral.” I don’t think that’s the word you meant. I think you meant “jealous.” “How dare you show my husband how hips can move like mine can’t.” You ever seen a white woman try to twerk? You ever seen it? It looks like Pinocchio trying to walk as a real boy for the first time. Just like… “Am I doing it?”

Thank you, guys, very much. I’m Michelle Wolf, have a good night.

[cheers and applause]

[Burr] Michelle Wolf, everybody! Michelle Wolf, come on! Killing it, killing it. All right, you guys hanging in there, you’re having a good time, right? Just keeps getting better. All right, this next guy comes all the way from London, England, one of the biggest comics out there, he has a great special out called His Dark Material on Netflix, please welcome the one and only Jimmy Carr, everybody, come on!

[cheers and applause]

Nice. Okay. Thank you, thank you very much. Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I’m Jimmy Carr. It’s great to be with you here this evening. I’ll tell you why it’s great to be here. We’re drinking, my friends, in the Last Chance Saloon. What I’m saying onstage tonight is barely acceptable now. In ten years’ time, fucking forget about it. You’re gonna be able to tell your grandchildren about seeing this show. Yeah. You’ll say, “I saw a man, and he stood on stage, and he made light of serious situations. We used to call them jokes. And people would laugh.” And your grandchildren will ask, they’ll say, “Non-binary elder.”

[laughter]

“Non-binary elder, what’s a joke?” And you’ll say, “You are.” I say you can joke about anything, but not with anyone. I think with you good people this evening, I should be fine, right?

[audience cheers]

Well, let’s see, shall we? We’ll put that to the test. Having sex is like riding a bike… my uncle taught me when I was a kid. People say the best things in life are free, but those people have clearly never had sex. I like it when the girl puts the condom on for you, but I was asked to leave the pharmacy. My girlfriend doesn’t think that her sister is trustworthy, but believe me, that girl can keep a secret. Is anyone here in a controlling relationship? Raise your partner’s hand. Yes. I want One Direction to do a BTS covers medley at my funeral, because that way, I’ll be glad I’m dead. Now, you might think this is silly, but I assure you it’s absolutely true. When Zane left One Direction, for me, it was like 9/11. Yeah, I didn’t care about that either. Well, there’s a real generational divide there, I can see… Some people are looking at me like, “9/11, steady on.” And other people are looking at me like, “One Direction, don’t take their name in vain!” I was actually supposed to be on one of the planes on 9/11. But the more interesting story is how I met Osama.

When you’re young, pedophiles are something to laugh at, the local creep. But then you grow up, have your own kids, with their own unique personalities and quirks and difficulties, and it suddenly hits you. “What the fuck do these pedos see in these little shits?”

I can do a brilliant Michael Jackson impersonation, would you like to see it?

[audience cheers]

Okay, I just need a young volunteer who can keep a secret, come on up. Yeah. What are you getting up for? Wait a second, this is a teachable moment. If a grown man beckons you forth, as he undoes his flies, this is some stranger danger, son. What’s your name?

Mikey.

[Carr] Mikey. Let’s hear it for Mikey, everyone. That– because, you know why? That is commitment to a night out at a comedy show. That is a young man that’s thought to himself, “Oh, it’s the bit in the show where I suck his cock. Great!”

Everyone loved Michael Jackson in the ’80s, right? He was the coolest guy in the world. Coolest guy in the world, bar none. And really, the high point of that cool was the moonwalk at the Grammys. Remember that? People lost their minds at how cool it was, when really, the moonwalk was no more than– it was that. I know I’m not nailing this, but that was the gist of it, right? That was the coolest shit we’d ever fucking seen! Of course, we didn’t realize at the time, it had been developed for sneaking in and out of children’s bedrooms. We had no idea. It’s so obvious now. Now, I’ve never fucked a kid. I nearly did just then, didn’t I? But I’ve never fucked a kid. But if I did fuck a kid, I think I know how I’d leave the room. Do you remember the incident in the ’90s with Michael Jackson? Where he was on tour in Germany? He had the whole top floor of a hotel? And he had the baby, and he held the baby over the balcony, and he shook the baby. Crazy. You can’t get cum off a baby like that.

[cheers and applause]

Somewhat ironically that has really separated the men from the boys, hasn’t it?

I’ve been Jimmy Carr, thank you very much indeed. Cheers. Good night. Thank you. Cheers.

[Burr] Jimmy Carr, everybody. Not bad for a foreigner, huh? Yeah, he comes from England. That’s ground zero for white people right there. Yes, it is. That’s why I got the vaccine, because they were testing it out in England first. And I’m like, “That’s the whitest fucking place ever. That shit must work.” Right? If they tried it out initially in Haiti, I’d be like, “All right. My people are up to their old tricks again.” “Are they putting it in blankets?” “Oh!” It happened. You’re groaning history, you fucking pussies.

All right, let’s keep this show moving along. This next comedian, I actually just saw a clip of her on Instagram a couple months ago and instantly became a huge fan. She’s absolutely hilarious. I love her to death. Please welcome Steph Tolev, everybody. Come on, Steph Tolev.

[cheers and applause]

[Burr] Welcome back.

[Tolev shouts] Hey! How the hell are we? This is nice, ‘scuse me, gotta air out the puss, huh? Gotta let the big ol’ gal breathe a bit, huh, ladies? Take in a deep, big breath of air, huh? I’m wearing shorts, what are you, 16? You’re like, “Whoopsies, excuse me, how are we?” I’m kidding, I check IDs. How are we? This is fun. How do we like the mullet?

[audience cheers]

Okay, now that’s a reaction! Did any straight men clap? Not enough of you, not enough! Damn it all to hell. I am straight, and this haircut is not fucking helping me. Neither is anything I’m doing right now. Does this help, if I take a knee? Is this what men like? When a gal gets down like this? I’m straight, I’ll prove it right now, I swear to God. Little guy, get up here, I’ll jerk you off right now, I swear to God. Bring your little friend, I’ll do you both at the same time. Yeah! Fuck! Like those ropes in the gym… All right! Here we go! Fuck! I’ll make ’em slap, don’t worry. Oh, it’s not gonna feel good, no, no, no. No, you’re not gonna like it at all. I’ll make sure you finish, don’t worry. [laughs evilly] It’ll take a while. I’m so sorry, I don’t wanna be like this, um… I’ve tried women, I have. You’re like, “We know.” I’ve tried several times. I keep ending up down there, I’m like, “This again? What the heck am I eating out?” I finish my plate though, I’m not rude. I’m not gonna leave it, that’s rude, I lick the whole thing clean. What am I, a waste? I don’t think so. Oh, I’m not a rude person, I swear to God. Dating in LA is a nightmare, can we agree? It’s a fucking piece of shit, dating here?

[light cheering]

Yeah. Four people, the rest of you are in love. Go suck my ass. Pieces of shit. I’m a boiled ham in Los Angeles on Tinder. Don’t– Relax, I’m a hot piece in Grand Rapids, Michigan. So don’t worry. Yeah, get my tits sucked right off in Michigan, feels good. I will say though, I did clean up on Tinder in LA during the pandemic because, ooh, all the hot boys, you got real sad, didn’t ya? You got real lonely. And you got real desperate. And all the pretty blond girls didn’t swipe right, did they? Guess who did? [laughs] Old Stephy T. crawled out of the well. [laughs] Oh yeah, I fucked a bunch of tens. Felt good, felt good. Yeah, thank you, it felt good to be on top for once, it really did. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. One cried. Paul. Yeah, he was very upset. He’s like, “Can we please turn lights off?” I’m like, “We’re keeping them on.” I was being disgusting during the pandemic, just being a gross person. I was having sex outside. I’m like, “You can’t get COVID if you’re in a field.” You can get chlamydia, though. You can, you can. Yeah, but is it chlamydia if all of the STD clinics are closed? Yeah, it was chlamydia, yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You need a pill for that drip, big time, big time. Only person who’s had an STD, shut up. I’ll come by and check your underwear one by one. You’re like, “This is very strange, please don’t.” Are you pigs still 69-ing out there?

[audience cheering]

Disgusting, every last one of you. I think it should be a federal offense. You should be arrested on sight for doing it. It’s for young, hot, thin people. You get older, you get bigger, things get slippy, things get sloppy. I got duped by a man at 10:00 a.m. with two rattails. It’s a lot to unpack. Take that in for a second. Two rattails? One rattail too many. Two rattails? Two too many. 10:00 a.m., 69 lady? No one’s ready for that. On all fours, sun beaming directly into your asshole. Oh, you all have pristine anuses in this room? I don’t think so. The same mullet on my head, also over my asshole. Doesn’t matter how many times I shave. There’s a couple stragglers back there, huh? Couple loosies peeking out to say, “Hello! Miss me?” I’m on all fours, sucking in, I’m tucking in, everything’s hanging out. Oh, only one other woman has a fat labia? Yeah, right. No one has the old dog tongue, just hanging out the side? I’m the only one? Relax. I’m holding onto his ankles, his feet are so dirty for some reason. Covered with hair and crumbs, I’m like, “Where were you before this, man? “Walking around a play place? Turn on a sock, what are you doing?” Looking at his long, disgusting balls. I’m like, “I don’t think they’re supposed to be stretched out like this, why is it? It just looks like something ran it over before you got here. You need to seek medical attention immediately after this.” Sniffing the tip of his disgusting penis. Every man in this room thinks that women smell down there. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but, your cock fucking reeks. Sorry. Excuse me. Yeah, the guys got real quiet, huh? Let’s see who we got here, guy in the front row. You’ve got a stinker. You’ve got an old, tiny, middle of a book stink, huh? The Old Testament, this guy smells like. So easy to clean it, simple stuff. Go to the bathroom, fill up the sink, dip him in. Splish splash, just the tip, mwah, a little smooch to the water. You don’t think every girl in here has gone to freshen up? You guys know what freshening up means? When we go, “Be right back!” [laughs] In the bathroom, sink on, leg up, full blast like… “Fuck me! Fuck! He’s gonna know!” Using that watered-down soap, if there’s no suds, that’s no longer soap. That’s water in a jar. Using that crusted towel, just wipes the water around. Come out dripping, he’s like, “You ready to go?” I’m like, “Yeah, I’m horny, let’s fucking do this. You made me so wet.” Men don’t like funny women. You say you do, you say you want it. No, you don’t. No you don’t, you’re liars. Especially in the bedroom. Not the time, not the place, don’t bring the jokes to the boudoir. Kept doing this one bit where I take out a guy’s dick and go, “Is this thing on?” Never got a laugh, not once. Did it for a year, it was like, “Read the room.” Kept doing this other bit, this one I had to stop because guys were getting freaked out before we’d finish up. He’d be like, “Oh, what do I do with the condom?” I’m like, “I’ll take that.” “I’m saving it for later!” And I would pretend that I had a weird mini-fridge in my room for some reason, I’m like, “It’s still warm.” [growls] I’m like, “Why am I acting like a gargoyle the second sex is finished?” So if anybody wants to come back to my well tonight, I got a little bit more room in the fridge. [growls] Thank you so much, my name is Steph Tolev.

[cheers and applause]

Steph Tolev, everybody, Steph Tolev. Come on! Amazing, amazing. “Middle of a book stink.” I don’t think I’ll forget that. I don’t even read, and I know what that smells like. The next people coming to the stage, two of my favorite comedians actually come out together and do something called “Bumping Mics.” Please welcome Jeff Ross and Dave Attell.

[cheers and applause]

What’s up? Here you go. Boom! Bump it out!

How’s it going, everybody?

Bump it out! Yes! That’s what I’m talking about! Awesome!

Yeah!

Look at it. This is amazing, Dave.

Welcome to Hollywood, baby.

We did it. Netflix is a Joke Comedy Festival, what do you think? Dude, I am so excited, I gotta tell you something. First of all, I haven’t seen this guy in like, three variants. And you know, Jeff, I know, um, you can’t stay all night because you have to get up early to work security at a food court. But, um… Thanks, Dave. It’s a slamfest, my friend. I’m gonna be nice to you, I don’t wanna tease you because… you know, Dave and I, Dave’s had some health issues, we have the same doctor. My proctologist is Dave’s ear, nose, and throat doctor. Jeff, you know what? Dave’s… I’m gonna keep going, motherfucker. Go ahead, buddy, hit me with something already. Dave’s not on TikTok, but he does have seconds to live. Everyone loves a math joke.

Can I do some more? Can I– Hold on!

Dave how long have you…

Can I do some…

No! Dave’s not just a good comedian, he’s also a great impressionist. Every night he does an impression of Amber Heard when he shits his bed. Oh, dude, all right, that’s it. Hey, it’s time for me to go. All right? Jeff, you know, I have to tell you this, all right? You’re the kind of guy who buys a gerbil, but keeps the receipt, just in case it doesn’t fit. All right? They grow, they grow. I’m just telling you, buddy. I don’t care, Dave, I’m feeling invincible. I just got my 38th vaccine shot.

[Attell] Sweet. Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson…

[Attell] That’s the best. I’ve been licking strangers’ assholes at the airport all day, I feel great. Oh, why not? Did you get vaccinated? Well, I’m old, so I got mine in 1919. You know, it was me, Chaplin, and… This crowd’s so young, they don’t even know what we’re talking about here. I got COVID. Any other COVID survivors?

[audience cheers]

Anybody else lose their sense of taste? I went to see the Dave Matthews Band at the Greek.

Nice one.

Thanks.

[Attell] Wow. It was touch and go with Nickelback for a while, but I’m okay now. Jeff, you’re killing it tonight. It’s good times, Dave. And look at this crowd, dude, I know how you love to jump into the crowd. You are the Roastmaster. Are you going down? Go down, buddy. Get down there. Here he comes, everyone, the Roastmaster.

[Ross] Oh, look at this guy. Fully vaxxed, fully waxed. All right. Who wants to say hi? You want to say hi?

Stand up for a second.

Oh. Look, it’s Dave Chappelle’s security guard. Wow. I got a question for this guy.

What?

What’s your name, buddy? My name’s Ari. Ari, what time does Legoland open? I wanna know… Who you here with, Ari? The rest of the yeshiva? This guy right here, the whole cast of Squid Game.

[Attell] Yes!

Thank you for coming. I won a lot of money on you, man. Way to go. This is like an infomercial for My Pillow. I love it. Miss, how ya doing? Dave, you have a cat joke for this woman? Nice.

What’s your name?

Kat.

Jeff, we only got seven minutes before they take back the audio. Come on. Get back up here, dude. We have to bring it, buddy.

It’s a good crowd, Dave, very good crowd.

They’re awesome.

I got a big week coming up.

What are you doing? I have an audition tomorrow for Alec Baldwin’s new sitcom. What is it? Yeah, it’s called “30 Glock.” It’s a cross between Just Shoot Me! and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Oh, my God.

Is nothing sacred?

Nothing. What about you? What’s going on with you? Well, you saw that movie about my career, A Quiet Place?

Yeah.

And, um… I don’t know what to tell ya, buddy, um… We comics, we need each other.

And we need to laugh more than ever.

[Attell] We do. I wanna give a shout-out to my friend, and Dave’s favorite comic of all time, Gilbert Gottfried who passed away recently. One of the greats. He was a great guy. I was with him the night before he passed away, and then you went to see him. You might be the last person that ever saw him alive. Yes, I’ll never forget holding that pillow over his head. And– I was trying to make him comfortable. In honor of our friend Gilbert, can we have a moment of screaming? Yes.

[audience screams]

Thank you, I love you guys so much.

Can we bring Bill out for a second?

[Attell] Yeah, let’s bring Bill out. Here he comes.

What’s up, gentlemen?

Captain of the ship. Hi, Bill. I don’t like standing in between the two of you guys. Feel like you’re gonna say something, make me hurt my feelings or something. Thanks for having us on your shitty show. It’s awesome. Well, they said we want to get some of the shittiest comics we could find, and I said, “I can get you two for one.”

[Attell] Thank you.

[all laugh]

Hey!

[Attell] Good hit, Bill.

[Ross] That’s good. Why are you wearing a children’s bathrobe? Nice one, Bill. I always wondered what the Blue Man Group would look like when they weren’t wearing the makeup. And it’s– Oh, guilty as charged. I like it. I like it, Dave. Dave, I gotta tell you, you’re my favorite hoarder. [laughs] Thank you. Nice to see you wore your clean jacket for this TV taping. Bill, and I can never thank you enough for letting me live in your car. I really… Dave’s dressed for Wednesday and Thursday. Thank you. You look like that guy they interview on the news, “This guy was here to see it!”

Nice.

“Can you tell us what happened, sir?” You guys…

Bill Burr is such a great guy…

Fuck you, Jeff.

A great comedian.

Get off the stage. He is. He’s one of the best. This guy’s so New England, he’s the color of clam chowder.

[all laugh]

[Attell] Nice.

[Burr] Oh, that one hurt.

[Attell] You got him. You got him good. You look like you just got fished out of a lake. Jeff looks like Bill if he made way better choices. I’m good with that.

Yes.

I look like Bill Burp. I have the best job because I get to work with my favorite comedian.

Aw, thanks.

Thank you, Dave. Thank you for coming to LA. Thank you for having me on the show.

Thank you guys for being awesome.

Jeff Ross, Dave Attell. Bill Burr.

“Bumping Mics.”

Thank you, Bill. Leaving me hanging on the five. “Bumping Mics.” Jeff Ross, Dave Attell. Two Jews without money. You don’t see that a lot. They really looked homeless, didn’t they?

This next guy coming to the stage, he’s one of my favorite comics, I started out with him a long time ago back in New York, when we both had hair. He’s one of the best joke writers I ever met, and a tremendous person. Please welcome Ian Edwards, everybody. Come on!

[cheers and applause]

What’s up, everybody? How’s everybody doing?

[audience cheering]

Shit, I’m the only Black guy on the show, and I gotta follow two white guys. Everybody good?

[audience cheering]

All right, that’s dope. All right, Jimmy earlier was talking about Michael Jackson. And I spent a lot of the pandemic watching TV. If you have seen the Michael Jackson documentary on HBO and still listen to his music, you are a piece of shit. Straight trash. Now, I on the other hand, have not seen the documentary. So I can listen to his music guilt-free, you know what I’m saying? Y’all fucked-up, I found a loophole. Michael Jackson for life, baby. Yeah. I even canceled my HBO subscription. Just so I don’t stumble across that shit on accident. I’m sorry, y’all, I was raised on Michael Jackson, and I heard he ruined those kids’ childhood. I ain’t gonna watch that shit and have him ruin mine. Also watched Handmaid’s Tale. Any Handmaid’s Tale fans in the house?

[audience cheering]

All right, we got some. It’s based on a book written in 1984, and it’s a fictional story, set in a dystopian future, where a totalitarian government enslaves America, and then we have a hero, her name is June Osborne, and she rescues her baby, and then stays behind. And then she rescues 78 other people, and then stays behind. Then she escapes, comes back, and rescues 25 other people. And I was talking to the homie, and I was like, “Wait a minute. This is the Harriet Tubman story.” It’s like the author moved slavery to the future, and made white women the heroes. Which is fucked-up. ‘Cause Black people, we didn’t want slavery, but now you can’t steal it from us. And then charge us money to watch it on Hulu. Now we gotta pay for this shit twice? And now you can’t even make the Harriet Tubman story, ’cause everybody’s gonna be like, “Hey, man, that’s Handmaid’s Tale. I can’t believe these Black people are culturally appropriating from us.”

I’m glad the pandemic is over. You know, one thing I do miss about the pandemic was the no traffic. Like, no traffic in LA was mwah! Right? Right? I used to get in my car during the pandemic, and the homies would be like, “Where are you going?” And I’d be like, “Nowhere. I just wanna see how long it really takes to get there.” “Two minutes? Why the fuck did this shit used to take five days?” But now traffic is back. Don’t you all feel frustrated in traffic? Yeah? Am I the only person here that feels like murdering someone in traffic? All right, cool. That makes me comfortable enough to admit to y’all that regular traffic bugs me way more than sex trafficking. You feel me? ‘Cause a sex trafficker’s never made me late for work. They actually gotta be the best drivers on the road. ‘Cause they can’t afford to get into an accident. Or pulled over. So whenever you’re driving and some dude is like, “Go ahead, cut in front of me, you’re good, you’re good.” That’s a vicious fucking animal right there. With two girls tied up in his trunk. And whenever some dude cuts you off, gives you the finger, and then steps out of his truck to fight you, that’s a decent human being. With nothin’ to hide. Shake his hand. He’s grinding for his family. I feel really bad for women who are being sex trafficked, and they’re stuck in traffic. And I know it sounds cold-blooded, but I’m a dude. I don’t have to worry about sex trafficking. I don’t have any daughters, and my sisters are not in sex trafficking shape. I know it’s fucked-up. All right, let me just ask one question before I get outta here. Why do pregnant couples have gender reveal parties when they don’t know what gender their kid is gonna claim? Right? Why don’t they just wait a few birthdays, and then let the kid tell them? And then they can have the party. What if you’re wrong? You’re gonna be wrong and burn down half of California? Then you have this video of this party that you threw for your kid that you can never show your kid. Then you got to tell everybody who was at the party, “Don’t ever tell my child about that fucking party.” And you know the kid’s gonna find the video. And one day, he’s like, “Hey, y’all, get in here. What the fuck is this? That smoke ain’t me. Can’t believe you spent all this money on this party, and I need that money for my operation… so I can be who I really wanna be.” All I’m saying is, if you’re a dad, and you always wanted a son, and the smoke is pink, don’t give up.” My name is Ian Edwards. Good night, y’all. Peace.

[cheers and applause]

Ian Edwards! This next guy coming to the stage is one of my great friends that I’ve had in life. Forget about as a stand-up comedian, he’s an absolutely amazing friend and stand-up comedian, I love him to death. Please welcome the one and only Joe Bartnick, everybody. Come on, Joe Bartnick!

[cheers and applause]

What is up, Los Angeles?

[cheers and applause]

I’m in a good mood, I’m feeling good. I recently lost 80 pounds.

[audience cheers]

I know what you’re thinking, “He still kinda looks like shit.” I know, that’s why I’m wearing a collared shirt, you got man-titties, you gotta wear a collar. Takes 15 right off the top. That’s why golfers wear ’em, it makes ’em almost look athletic. Like, I can’t wear a wifebeater. You can’t wear a wifebeater, if you look like a wife beater. If you have a six pack, wear a wifebeater. If you just drank a six pack, keep your sleeves on. I know a young girl like yourself, you want abs. I get it. But the older ladies who have lost all their hopes and dreams, they dig the dad bod. Yeah, ladies, this body says “fun.” This body says, “Everybody’s getting appetizers.” Nobody has to split dessert with this body. This body’s built for comfort. This body sleeps in on Saturdays. Nobody has to get up and ride a bike with this body. Glad I lost the weight, though, ’cause now I can shop at Marshall’s again. Yeah, ’cause now I can fit in double-X clothing. There’s nothing left at Marshall’s with triple-X. It’s all green or purple or fuchsia. I can’t wear those colors. I’m not Black. Yeah, Black guys look good in anything. Black guys look good bald. Imagine me bald. Black guys look good in dreadlocks. A white guy has dreadlocks, you’re like, “Fucking asshole.” Black guy has ’em, you’re like, “That guy’s cool.” I’m not even really white. I’m Italian. Yeah. We weren’t white until the ’40s. Till Frank Sinatra and Joe DiMaggio. You have to be really good at something, then they’ll let you be white. Like Obama, they let him be white. Prince, Prince was white. OJ was white for a while, then he fucked it up. Will Smith is the whitest man alive. He assaulted a Black dude and they gave him an award.

Tiger Woods is white again! How awesome is that? I fucking love Tiger. He’s my man. Wearing the black pants and the red shirt on Sunday. I love Tiger so much I used to listen to golf on the radio. People got upset when he cheated on his wife. “How could he cheat on her? She’s beautiful, she’s gorgeous, she’s an 11.” [whines] That’s exactly why he cheated on her. Because she’s beautiful and gorgeous. You know she just laid there in bed and didn’t move. She didn’t have to. She’s beautiful. But Tiger’s got a billion dollars. He wants someone to lick his ass. Like only someone who works in an Applebee’s can.

I’m Joe Bartnick! You guys have been fantastic.

[cheers and applause]

Joe Bartnick, everybody. This next comedian, oh man, she is unbelievable. This is one of the few comics, there’s a handful of ’em out there that if you’re going on after ’em, you’re sitting in the back of the club, you gotta come up with a game plan, ’cause she fucking destroys. Absolutely hilarious, please welcome Jessica Kirson, everybody. Come on! Jessica Kirson!

[cheers and applause]

Hey, how ya doin’? Great. I’m so miserable, ugh. Although I, you know, I am a miserable person. I… basically, I can barely get out of bed. This is a lot, for me to be here right now. I know some of you look really sad. I don’t care how this goes, I have to be honest with you. Um, it doesn’t matter anymore. Basically, during COVID, I stopped chewing food. I just started fucking my face with it, I’ve never cut my wrists, but I started cutting my mouth on the inside with chips. I became a cutter on the inside, just… [loud gag] You know, just fucking my face. And I was like, “I’m gonna blow up again. I’m gonna blow up.” ‘Cause I used to be a house. If you Google me, Zillow will come up, I was a fucking house. So, I was like, “I need to do something.” So I joined Weight Watchers, where you download the app, and it counts the points. The problem is I lie on it. I lie on my own app, and I’m the only one that sees it. Do you know how sick that is? The other day, I had a pint of ice cream, and I wrote down “one baby carrot.” Like, that’s insane. ‘Cause I was a fat kid. Um, I was really fat. I actually went to fat camp. It was amazing, like, fat camp was the best time of my life. My parents didn’t send me, I wanted to go. Every summer I was like, “I want to go to fat camp!” ‘Cause that’s how fat kids talk, ’cause we slam doughnuts, and muffins and furniture in our throats, like, “I want to go to fat camp!” I’m gonna keep doing it till all of you laugh. I’ll do it for the next five minutes. “I wanna go…” I just peed. Anyway, so, fat camp was fun. We all went on our own bus. We used to play a lot of fun games, like breathing, um… chafing, try-to-hide-and-seek. Try-to-hide-and-seek was great, I would say to my friend Jodi, “I can see you behind the barn, you fat fuck. Find a mountain.” Anyway… I have four daughters from two baby mamas. I’m like a fucking rapper, I call myself “Lil Jew.” I saw an old friend recently, and she’s like, “You have four daughters? Were they planned?” I think it’s the dumbest question that anyone’s ever asked me in my entire life, if my children with women were planned. I’m like, “No, I wasn’t wearing protection, they were all a mistake, and we’re pro-life so we kept them for Jesus. Jesus.” Let’s get even darker with this, because some of you look uptight, like I feel like your assholes are like this right now. Yeah. Yeah, this is gonna be fun. Religious people, some of them say that gay people try to make their kids gay. That we, you know, we want them to be gay. And I hate to admit that, at this show right now with this taping, but that is totally true. That is the only reason I agreed to have children, was to create four big dykes. I don’t care if my kids are kind, I don’t care if they’re loving, I don’t care if they smell like feces, I don’t care if they’re educated, I just want them to be fucking truck drivers. That’s all I care about. So we are doing everything we can to make that happen. And by the way, I shouldn’t be telling you this, but we’re out to get your kids too. This goes out to all the straight people in the audience, everywhere around the world, we have secret Facebook groups, we have a ton of funding, we have vans, we have candy, we even have long nets, where we can grab your children from off the lawn. Look how dumb some of you are, you’re like… So we have been doing everything we can to make our children dykes. We’ve been taking them to a lot of softball games. All four of my daughters have crewcuts, they have military haircuts. We’ve been blasting the Indigo Girls and Melissa Etheridge into their ears, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. They march everywhere with feminist signs, and we named all four of them Hillary Rodham Clinton, so we’re just… Jessica, that joke would’ve done a lot better if you didn’t fuck it up, but it’s okay. You’re really talented, you really are. You work so hard, you know, everything’s gonna be okay. You’re almost done, it’s all gonna be okay. And soon you’ll be in your hotel room and you can secretly eat. You know, today you ate a bag of Tostitos and told yourself it was a serving of corn. You’re a liar. You lie to yourself on a daily basis. And the guy in the second row is not your father. Okay, some of you– yeah. It’s all gonna be okay, it’s all– I love you so much, you just got that. Because it was very creative what I just did, and it was improv, but some people won’t get it, ’cause they’re not aware. Do you understand? They have no idea what I just did. They don’t understand that I just completely turned around and had a conversation with themselves. They think I’m mentally ill. Which I am, I’m heavily medicated and I haven’t felt my vagina in three years. Okay, what the fuck did I just say? This is the thing, I have very bad anxiety, and loud voices make me crazy, and I was at a store the other day, and these two girls were having a conversation, and I could not believe what it sounded like, this is literally what it sounded like: [high-pitched] “Oh my God, Chelsea, you’re not gonna believe it, but I was on Instagram the other day and I posted the most amazing video, because I went to Sephora and had my makeup done, ‘and it was like unbelievable, because it looked so good. Nobody commented, nobody did anything. I couldn’t believe it because I looked so amazing, like, everyone’s upset about the war, but the war isn’t happening here, so like, who cares about the war? I don’t care about the war… [gibberish] I put the same video on TikTok… [gibberish] The other girl was like, “Oh my God, you should’ve called me or texted me, I’m your best friend, like…” [gibberish] [normal voice] So I killed them, I fucking killed them. I know, I did. I killed them. Because I don’t think you realize this, these girls aren’t going anywhere. That’s who’s gonna be in our country, they’re staying, they’re gonna have jobs. Like, your kids are gonna go to school and walk into math class… [high-pitched] “Oh my God, girls, welcome to math class! This is gonna be so exciting, it’s… [gibberish] Algebra! It’s gonna be amazing!” [normal voice] Like, you’re gonna go to a therapist that talks like that. You’re gonna walk in and be like, “Hi, I’m just really anxious.” [high-pitched] “Oh my God! You’re anxious? That’s so horrible, well, I haven’t been feeling well at all. Like, I haven’t been able to swallow. I met the cutest guy the other day, I swallowed his load, I was like… I swallowed his load, and it’s been really hard for me too.” [normal voice] How do you fuck a girl like that? I don’t understand, I’ve been fucking women for years. [high-pitched] “Oh my God, fuck me harder, that feels so amazing, fuck me harder…” [gibberish] “That feels so good, I’m gonna cum. Oh my God, I’m gonna kill all your ex-girlfriends, you better call me. [deep voice] You better call me!” [high-pitched gibberish] “Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…” [gibberish] “Oh my God, I’m gonna cum, I’m gonna kill your mother, [deep voice] I’m gonna kill your mother, motherfucker!” [high-pitched gibberish] “Oh my God, I’m gonna kill someone, oh my God, I’m cumming!” You guys are amazing, I’m Jessica Kirson, thank you so much. Thank you, I love you. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.

[Burr] Jessica Kirson, everybody!

[cheers and applause]

Jessica Kirson, absolutely murdering like I told you she would. All right, we got a band back here, everybody, say hello to the band. This is the Goddamn Comedy Jam Band.

[audience cheers]

They do a great show. A lot of comedians started off playing in bands. They still have that musical thing they wanna get involved in, so they created this band for guys to come out and sing along to. The man that created it, I will be introducing right now, one of my great friends, absolutely hilarious comedian from Baltimore. Please welcome Josh Adam Meyers!

[cheers and applause]

I need each and every one of you guys to stand up right now. Everybody in here, stand up. Stop sitting. You’re all young. One, two, three, four… No. I know what you’re wondering.

♪ None of you know who the fuck I am ♪
♪ Why is this guy Such an egomaniac? ♪
♪ Because I don’t have an act So I have to sing ♪
♪ Hey Haw Everybody go ♪
♪ Hey Haw ♪
♪ Like the ’90s ♪

Come on!

♪ Hey Haw ♪
♪ Everybody go ♪
♪ Hey Haw ♪
♪ Just the Black guy ♪
♪ Hey Haw ♪

Fuck, dude. I mean, it was something. So we didn’t get a song clearance, so we wrote our own, but we need help from all of you guys here. So you really have to sing this, all right? It goes like this.

♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪

Come on!

♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck Your buttcheeks… ♪

Make it loud!

♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your… ♪

Bring it down. Now whisper it.

[whispering] ♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks of love ♪

Come on.

♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪

Even quieter.

♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks of love ♪

Come on.

♪ You’re acting like This isn’t being recorded ♪
♪ For Netflix ♪
♪ You’re coming at me with straight Amazon Prime energy ♪

This is fucking Netflix, dude. Now just breathe it, going like this…

[rhythmic breathing]

[rhythmic breathing continues]

♪ This is how you get COVID ♪
♪ No wonder we’re three years Into pandemic ♪

Make some noise if you had COVID. COVID. I sound like I’m from Philadelphia. [thick accent] Who’s had COVID?

♪ I’ve had COVID twice ♪

[audience member] Twice!

♪ I had the original strain from Wuhan ♪
♪ And the rereleased box set ♪
♪ That came out a few months ago ♪

Make some noise if you were in a relationship during COVID.

[audience cheers]

A few of you guys. I was single the whole time. And if there was ever a time for the American people, the people of the world to be having the most sex possible, it was during COVID. Specifically when you have it. Think about it. You couldn’t taste, and you couldn’t smell. I mean, if there was ever an era of eating ass. You’d be like, “You just got back from a three-hour hike?” I had no idea.

♪ Fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪

Come on!

♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
♪ We’re gonna… ♪
♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks, uh-huh ♪
♪ We’re gonna… ♪
♪ Titty-fuck your buttcheeks, uh-huh ♪
♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks ♪

Everybody sing it with me!

♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Of love ♪
♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck… ♪

End it! This is your note, dude. Sing it!

♪ We’re gonna titty-fuck your buttcheeks Uh-huh ♪

Guys, make some noise for the band, everybody, come on.

[cheers and applause]

[Burr] All right, Josh Adam Meyers, everybody! Josh Adam Meyers. That was a terrible handshake, but a great set. Goddamn Comedy Jam Band. We’re gonna do one more. We got another great comedian coming out now who’s gonna sing a song with the band. This is a guy that I saw, I actually saw him the first time, I was flying on an airplane. I saw this video of him, I was like, “This guy is funny. This guy has potential.” And like, a week later, he was on The Daily Show. He’s been in movies, he’s put out incredible stand-up specials. I love this guy, he’s hilarious. Please welcome Ronnie Chieng, everybody. Ronnie Chieng.

Thank you, Bill, thank you. Keep it going for Bill Burr, keep it going for the band, keep it going for yourselves. You guys are the best. Thanks for hanging with us. Now listen. Listen, normally I come out here and do jokes. But with the state of the world being what it is, and the problems that we’re facing, don’t share the problems, please. The problems that we’re facing in today’s world. Johnny Depp’s divorce, Elon Musk buying Twitter, Netflix’s share prices. I thought I’d do my part to try to help fix this. And what better way than to sing a song. Thank you. So I’m gonna sing a song tonight, and not just any song. I’m going to sing a traditional Malaysian song… from my homeland. It’s a song I used to sing to inspire myself when I was younger and first starting to do comedy. The song is called “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry. Take it away, band.

[Meyers] If you know the words, then we want you all singing with us, all right? Do we get some energy for you guys? Come on!

[audience cheering]

♪ You think I’m pretty Without any makeup on ♪
♪ You think I’m funny When I tell the punchline wrong ♪
♪ I know you get me So I let my walls come down ♪
♪ Down ♪
♪ Before you met me I was alright ♪
♪ But things were kinda heavy ♪
♪ You brought me to life Now every February ♪
♪ You’ll be my Valentine Valentine ♪
♪ Let’s go all the way tonight No regrets, just love ♪
♪ We can dance Until we die ♪
♪ You and I Will be young forever ♪
♪ You make me Feel like I’m livin’ a teenage dream ♪
♪ The way you turn me on I can’t sleep ♪
♪ Let’s run away And don’t ever look back ♪
♪ Don’t ever look back ’cause ♪
♪ My heart stops When you look at me ♪
♪ Just one touch Now, baby, I believe ♪
♪ This is real ♪
♪ So take a chance And don’t ever look back ♪
♪ Don’t ever look back ♪
♪ Get your heart racing In my skin-tight jeans ♪
♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪
♪ Let you put your hands on me In my skin-tight jeans ♪
♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪

Ronnie Chieng, everybody. I mean, he’s just incredible…

♪ You make me Feel like I’m livin’ a teenage dream ♪
♪ The way you turn me on ♪
♪ I can’t sleep Let’s run away ♪
♪ And don’t ever look back Don’t ever look back ’cause ♪
♪ My heart stops When you look at me ♪
♪ Just one touch Now, baby, I believe ♪
♪ This is real ♪
♪ So take a chance And don’t ever look back ♪
♪ Don’t ever look… ♪
♪ I’ma get your heart racing In my skin-tight jeans ♪
♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪
♪ Let you put your hands on me In my skin-tight jeans ♪
♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪

[cheers and applause]

Ronnie Chieng, everybody. Ronnie Chieng! Josh Adam Meyers and the Goddamn Comedy Jam Band! Give it up for yourselves, thank you guys so much for coming out tonight. We had a great time making you laugh. We’ll see you, thank you, thank you.

[Ross] What’s the point of the show, Bill? Are you gonna play drums tonight, or what’s gonna happen? No. I’m a big believer in not doing your hobby on TV.

[all laugh]

Killing it, having a good time. My name was Lifschultz back then, they had to use a smaller font. And how was doing comedy in the fifties? It was good, it was good. You’re gonna let him get away with that? Come on, look at that blazer. I didn’t realize you were gonna be dressed as a ventriloquist dummy’s dummy. If this was an improv group, what would it be called? The “No Money Backs,” or…? I’m sorry, I’m trying to Lipton our way through this. Don’t you have to change the battery by now? Honestly, this is really going on.

[all laugh]

SHARE THIS ARTICLE

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published.

Read More

Access Our Archive
of Stand-Up Transcripts