[“Get me Bodied (Extended Mix)” playing]
[audience cheering]
♪ Mission one, I’ma put this on ♪
♪ When he see me in the dress I’ma get me some, hey ♪
♪ Mission two, gotta make that call… ♪
[audience cheering]
♪ Mission three Got my three best friends ♪
♪ Like we do it all the time We gon’ do it again, hey ♪
♪ Mission four Got the vintage Rolls ♪
♪ Drop a couple hundreds Tell him, “Leave it at the door” ♪
♪ I ain’t worried, doin’ me tonight ♪
♪ A little sweat ain’t never hurt nobody ♪
♪ While y’all standin’ on the wall I’m the one tonight gettin’ bodied… ♪
Oh, hi, Los Angeles.
[audience cheering]
[laughing] Thank you so much for coming tonight. It’s been a very interesting past two years. I got divorced in 2022.
[audience cheering]
Oh, my God, thank you so much. It didn’t feel like that at the time.
[audience laughing]
And I didn’t expect the news of my divorce to be so widespread and public, and I felt really embarrassed and ashamed. But I didn’t realize that all of these media outlets were acting like a Bat-Signal, letting all potentially interested men know…
[audience laughing]
…that I was suddenly available. And I’ve never been pursued this much in my life.
[audience cheering]
Oh, my God. It’s very, very exciting and quite shocking, because boys, they never liked me growing up. In the ’90s, in high school, guys, they weren’t into charismatic A cups.
[audience laughing]
But things have changed, and now there’s all these men after my divorced-mom energy.
[audience cheering]
Yes. A divorced mom is very special because she doesn’t want commitment.
[audience laughing]
She doesn’t wanna have your kids. A divorced mom just wants to get dicked down.
[audience laughing, cheering]
[men whooping]
I don’t care how many brain cells you have. I don’t care if you pronounce hors d’oeuvres “whores devours.”
I don’t care.
[audience laughing]
No me importa. I don’t care, as long as you have a huge boner for me all the time. I need you to have a huge boner that’s gonna poke my brain. I need you to smash my frontal cortex over and over and just tenderize all of my fear and paranoia about AI technology. Just… Bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam-bam!
[audience cheering]
I’m not trying to trap a man anymore. Mm-mm. I’m trying to catch a concussion.
[audience laughing]
Yes. I’m trying to drink cranberry juice on the regular, okay?
[audience laughing]
That’s right. When I introduce myself to new men, I’m trying to say hello like this, “Hey. How you doing? Come here.” “I wanna talk to you. I got a question for you.” “Have you had a vasectomy?”
[audience laughing]
[chuckles softly] Uh, I really went on a tear when I first got divorced. You missed it. I was on sale.
[chuckles]
[audience laughing]
I’d been married for ten years, so I had that, like, “just got out of prison” energy, you know? And my standards were strategically low. Like the less hair on the head, the more hair on the body, the better.
[audience laughs]
I was hunting for a dude that was shaped like a straight-up squash.
[audience laughing]
[man] I’m here!
‘Cause you know what kind of energy that dude’s bringing to the bedroom? Gratitude.
[audience laughing]
He will eat your pussy long, long time.
[audience laughing]
And you will be free of that guilt, that concern that you’re taking too long to finish. Instead, you’re like, “Yeah, you stay down there, you lucky mediocre man, you.”
[audience laughing]
I do have some standards when it comes to getting dicked down, like you gotta pay for the first date. Yeah, come on, man. You gotta pay for the first date. I know that sounds crazy, because I’m a millionaire.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Oh. [chuckles] I am. Don’t let this Midsummer outfit fool you now, okay? I’m a millionaire, straight up. But you still gotta pay for the first date, because you gotta show me that you understand basic investment strategy.
[audience laughing]
The money will come back to you, okay? Trust and believe. If you have faith in your product, and it performs well on the market and stays up… the cost of those tapas and that cacio e pepe will seem like nothing when I get you a two-bedroom condo in Reseda, okay?
[audience laughing]
Yeah, Los Angeles proper, that’s too expensive. But Reseda…
[audience laughing]
I’ll get you stainless steel appliances, side-by-side two-car parking. I’ll get you a TOTO toilet. Ooh, you know what a TOTO toilet is?
[audience cheering]
Yeah. A TOTO toilet is this magical Japanese toilet. The seat is always warm, and then when you sit on it, Hello Kitty and Godzilla emerge and go like this… [babbling] …to your butthole, okay?
[audience laughing]
You know how expensive that is to get Hello Kitty and Godzilla to link arms and double-team your taint after you take a shit?
[audience laughing]
Hello Kitty doesn’t even have a mouth. [audience laughing] But I can make the impossible possible, you know? [audience laughing] Listen, if I get you that two-bedroom condo in Reseda, you better be at that two-bedroom condo in Reseda, available to dick me down when I am finished performing at the Wiltern in my nightgown, okay?
[audience cheering]
Yes. You better be there, because you cannot be both poor and busy.
[audience laughing]
That is an unacceptable combination. Why don’t we just add ugly and anger management issues while we’re at it?
[audience laughing]
And I better not catch you subletting that second bedroom. [audience laughing] In 2022, I joined a dating app. I really did. And I paid $250 up front for the entire year. Because then you save $5 a month.
[audience laughing]
I might be rich, but I’m still Chinese.
[woman] Yeah!
Yes.
[audience applauding]
I still suffer from scarcity mindset. I am still so devastatingly cheap. Like, I will drink soy milk long past its expiration date, when it has transformed into tofu. I will pour that on my Shredded Wheat. I will. I maintain a friendship with a woman that I hate simply because she has a lemon tree. [audience laughing hysterically]
[woman] Yes!
The day after I joined that app, I get a phone call from this dude who I had met at, like, two dinner parties in the past. And he got my number from a mutual friend, a mutual colleague, and he was like, “Hey, Ali.” [chuckles softly] “I just happened to hear the news of your divorce today, and I gotta tell you… I’m excited.” [audience laughing] “I am, Ali, because, look, I have had a crush on you forever, and I actually told my best friend years ago that you were my dream girl.” “And I know this sounds crazy, but, uh… I want you to be my girlfriend.” [audience exclaims softly] And I was like… “I just paid $250.”
[audience laughing]
“You seem really nice, but… I gotta get my money’s worth.” [audience laughing] Shortly after that phone call, I take off to Europe. I arrive in London and discovered that this man had sent me a bouquet of flowers that was this big. And then I get to Amsterdam, and he sent me a bouquet of flowers that was this big. And then I get to Cologne. He sent a flower arrangement the size of me. And then in my final destination, Copenhagen, he sent me six giant flower arrangements. [gasps] I told all my girlfriends, and they were like, “Oh, my God, that is so sweet. I am so jealous.” And then I told all my male friends, and they were like, “That dude sounds like a psychopath.” [audience laughing] “Hey, are you okay, Ali? Do you feel safe?” [audience laughing] That’s how cheap and lazy men have become, that now, when a fellow man commits any act of kindness, any romantic gesture, it must be a symptom of an undiagnosed mental illness.
[audience laughing]
It is true that boys, they never liked me growing up. I was always too loud. I had a mustache. They called me “booger girl” because I picked my nose all the time. So it was very cruel, but very accurate, you know? [audience laughing] And now I’m 42, I’m a mother, and something has truly shifted in my favor. And I think that what happened was that… Men, you know, when you’re in your twenties, all you wanna date is a ten, right? At that age, you don’t care about the content of a woman’s character. You don’t care about her creative output. Uh… You know, the ultimate status symbol when you’re young is to just date a beautiful, busty ten. And then when men become 40, you’re like, “I don’t wanna date a ten anymore.”
[audience laughing]
“All I want is a kind six… [audience cheering] …that earns at least, like, $15,000 a year, and is generally a peaceful person.” [audience laughing] But you’re too late, ’cause all the kind sixes have been snatched up. And it’s not the status symbol it used to be. It’s not necessarily a good look to date a ten anymore. Nowadays, when we’re 40, you bring some hot unfunny dummy to dinner, all the women of substance at the table are now mad at you because we have to babysit this bitch. [audience laughing] While, you’re here outsourcing for intellectual stimulation and giggles, we’re the ones who have to listen to her boring ass stories about cauliflower rice and the power of crystals. [audience laughing]
[audience whooping]
Uh-uh. You have ruined dinner for us, and now we’ve all lost respect for you because you have revealed that you have bad taste! [audience laughing] The worst part about being a female stand-up comedian is having to socialize with male stand-up comedians’ girlfriends. Oh, my God. It’s so painful. It’s worse than being sexually harassed. So many wasted hours of my life having to sit next to these Instahoes. These Instahoes who prey on my friend because he’s so ugly. He’s been ugly his whole life, and no woman who looks like that has ever looked at him. And these Instahoes, they’re smart. They know that the day is coming when these sunscreen companies stop paying them to pose in a thong on an inflatable doughnut.
[audience laughing]
So to look out for their future, they sink their pussy teeth into my friend’s bald ass head until he can’t think for himself anymore, because they know he has a potential to go far with his podcast and not sign a prenup. [audience laughing] And because I’m a kind six, I listen to them. I listen to them! [audience laughing] [exhales] And because I’m a decent actress, they think I’m actually listening, when really, I’m just looking at them in the eye and smiling, but in my head I’m composing my wish list for Amazon Prime Day.
[audience laughing]
I have to say, it’s very nice to feel so loved and adored after being ignored by men for so long. And I’ve received all sorts of nice gifts from suitors in the past two years. I’ve received flowers, bags, jewelry. My girlfriends were like, “Oh, my God.” [scoffs] “Jewelry?” “But, Ali, how can you accept that?” I’m like, “Oh, it’s easy. I just accept it, you know?” [audience laughing] “It’s the easiest thing I’ve ever done in my life.” “What’s not to accept? It’s beautiful, valuable, and free.” “That’s a Chinese fairy tale. I’mma take it.”
[audience laughing]
[audience applauding, cheering]
I don’t see how refusing 24-karat gold is the more empowering option. It’s not like when these dudes give you a necklace, then make you sign a contract, being like, “Okay, if you accept this necklace, then you agree to suck my dick.” [audience laughing] No! You just say, “Oh, my God, Trevor.” “This is so thoughtful of you. This is beautiful.” “Thank you. Thank you so much.” And then you just take the necklace and then you walk away… [audience laughing] Or you suck their dick. It’s up to you. What do you wanna do? [audience laughing] It’s your choice. But either way, keep the necklace. [audience laughing] I became so addicted to courtship, that I developed this problem where I kept on breaking up with dudes after three weeks. After three weeks, that’s when they start to relax. That’s when the flowers stop coming. That’s when they stop initiating going down on you. [gasps] You’re fired, bro. You’re fired.
[audience laughing]
Mm-mm. I don’t actually say “you’re fired,” okay? What I say is, “Hey.” [chuckles softly] “I can’t tell you what the past three weeks have meant to me.” “You have given me what I didn’t even know I needed.” “And, my God, you are such a beautiful, special human being.” “And I just feel like it’s time for me to really focus on my work and my family.” And blah, blah, blah! Right? [audience whooping] And the last dude I split with was this big, fancy movie director, and he had a very movie director response to my speech. He was like, “That feels false.”
[chuckles]
[audience laughing] “That feels false, Ali.” “Why don’t you tell me why you’re really breaking up with me.” I was like, “Okay, fine.” “Well, you know it’s because the last two times we hooked up, you didn’t initiate going down on me, and I didn’t really like that.” [audience laughing] And he was like, “Well… [chuckles] …why didn’t you just communicate that to me?” I was like, “Oh.” “Well, because I’m divorced.” “I don’t do that anymore.” [audience laughing] Communicate? That’s married-people shit, okay? I’m retired from that. You think I got divorced from one man to communicate obvious shit to another man?
[audience cheering]
[cackling] Fuck that lateral step. I’m out here for a lifestyle change, okay? You think I went through the shame and stigma of divorce to be out here in these streets, saying shit to myself like, “Oh!” “Sometimes the right thing to say is the hard thing to say”? [audience laughing] You know, especially when it comes to initiating giving head to a woman. That’s not something that should happen upon request. It’s steps on the initiation. I refuse… I refuse in the middle of kissing a man to say to him… [in deep voice] “Eat my pussy.”
[audience laughing]
How humiliating. [in deep voice] “Eat my pussy.” [in normal voice] What am I, a villain in a Disney movie? [in deep voice] “Fee-fi-fo-fum.” “Eat my pussy.” [audience laughing] Do I have to spell out all the basics to you? [in deep voice] “Eat my pussy.” “Compliment my looks.” “Wish me a happy birthday.”
[in normal voice] It’s like…
[audience laughing] [chuckles] I came up with that joke while breaking up with that director in real time… [audience laughing] [audience cheering] [laughs] …out loud in front of his face. [audience laughs] [chuckles] As soon as he was like, [mimicking] “Why don’t you just communicate that to me?” I was like, “Well, what am I supposed to say?” [in deep voice] “Eat my pussy?” [laughs] [audience laughing] And then I started marching around all the pretentious ass sculptures in his living room. I was like, “Fee-fi-fo-fum.” “Lick my taint, or I’ll blow your house down.” [audience laughing] My God, and I was laughing so hard at how hilarious I was being. And I was so excited that I had just come up with this joke that I could make money off of later. I was like, “Ooh!” We turned that into lemonade real fast, you know? [audience laughing]
[laughing]
[audience cheering, applauding] Yeah. And I was so busy having fun with myself, I wasn’t paying any attention to him. And then I finally looked up, and he was like, “That’s not funny, Ali.” [audience laughs] “Come on, that’s really rude. You know, that’s not funny at all.” “Uh… All right, I guess you don’t know this, but, Ali, no one has ever broken up with me before.” “And, you know, there’s a reason for that.” “So I hope you know that if you do this, you’re gonna regret it for the rest of your life.” “Because, Ali, you’re never gonna find somebody like me.” I was like, “Yeah, that’s what I’m hoping. That’s the whole point of breaking up.” “I don’t wanna be with you or anybody like you again.” “You don’t initiate giving head, and you didn’t laugh at ‘fee-fi-fo-fum.'” That’s two red flags.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
And then he says to me, “All right, you know what, Ali?” “I’m in a really bad place right now, and I swear to God, if you’re serious, like, if you really actually mean this, I might kill myself.” [audience exclaiming softly] I was like, “Go for it.” [audience laughing] “Either way, we’re not gonna be together.” “So same same, but different.” [audience laughing] And then I said to him, “I don’t actually mean that, okay?” “I think you’re a good person. We’re just a bad match.” “And please save your energy and refrain from threatening me.” “You don’t seem to understand.” “I’m a financially independent divorced mom.”
Yeah.
[audience cheering]
“So, I’m not looking for someone to build a life with, okay?” “I’m not scared to die alone.” [audience laughing] “And breaking up with you is so easy compared to divorce.” “We don’t have property together, we don’t have kids.” “So breaking up with you is nothing.” “It’s like putting down a burrito when I’m full.” “It’s nada.” [audience laughing] “But thank you so much again for the necklace.” “I love it so much.”
“And…
[audience cheering]
I’m going to cherish it for the rest of my life until I sell it on The RealReal, a’ight?” [chuckles] ‘Cause I’m telling you, after you get divorced, three weeks is perfect. After that, I don’t like it when shit gets too real, when these dudes start to say things to me like, “You know, Ali, I just… I really feel like I can be myself around you.” I’m like, “Please don’t, okay?” “Please just be the best parts of yourself, and then repress all the shitty parts.” “Save that for your friends and family who are gonna be there for you if you get diagnosed with cancer.” “‘Cause I’m not gonna be there, okay?” “I don’t know you, man. It’s been three weeks.” “It’s still unclear to me if you’re Filipino or Cambodian.”
“I don’t know you!”
[audience laughing]
“Know you!” You know, I think, women, when you’re in your twenties… I was like this when I was younger, okay? You tend to get very flattered, you tend to feel very special when a man is vulnerable with you, when he opens up to you about his trauma. [fake crying] “You know, Ali… when I was a little boy… my uncle, he…” I’m gonna stop you right there, okay? “Hey! Snap out of it, man! Snap out of it! Come on!” “Let’s keep it positive, let’s keep it sexy.” I’m here for orgasms and free oysters. That’s it, okay? [audience laughing] But if you’re a kind six like me, these dudes, they don’t wanna just dick you down. In exchange, they want you to be their mommy-therapist. They call me up, and they’re like, “Ali, I am having the worst fucking day.” I’m like, “Well then, hang up the fucking phone.” [audience laughing] “I don’t know why you think it’s acceptable to spread that shit to my day.” “I’m having a great time.” “I’m in my professionally interior decorated home that’s loaded with TOTO toilets.”
[audience laughing]
I’m with my two daughters right now. Oh, my God, they’re so cute. They’re six and eight years old now. Can you believe that? Six and eight years old? [audience cheering] They were in that striped dress and in that leopard dress, now they’re out and about, six and eight years old. We watch RuPaul’s Drag Race together every Saturday morning. Yeah. And then, they got these real cute Asian Amélie haircuts that I gave to them ever since they were two. I trim their hair every single day. I do. They’re like my little bonsais, you know? [audience laughing] I really do believe that, for a woman, 40 is the golden age… [audience cheering, applauding] …to get divorced.
It is perfect.
[audience laughing] I’m so sorry if you bought your wife tickets tonight thinking that it would be a cute anniversary or birthday gift. But I have to spread the good word. Forty is a great time to get divorced. The age range of who I could date is huge. It’ll never be this huge again. I could go as low as 25, and then I could go as high as 55. Uh… If you’re 55, I got questions for you. Like can you go on a brisk walk? [audience laughing] Can you lift heavy things? Can you digest red meat without getting a swollen toe the next day? Can you? Puedes? Es posible? Well, if the answer is yes to all of the above, then I’m open, all right? So I matched with this one 55-year-old on the app. And you could tell that he was 55. He had salt-and-pepper hair, it was a lot of gray and white hair, but it was thick and long and lush, and he had this beautiful beard to match. And he was a former pro surfer that continued to surf every day, so he was tan and ripped. He was old, but he was sexy in this very eye-catching way that reminded me of King Triton from The Little Mermaid.
[audience laughing]
You remember watching that movie as a little girl, and King Triton floats onto the screen, and you were like, “Oh”? [chuckles] “Who is this ocean Santa Claus… with a six-pack and a tail? What’s up, King Triton? How you doing?” “Come here, I wanna talk to you. Got a question for you.” “Where’s Ariel’s mom at? Is she dead or…?” “You two get divorced? You stop fucking? You in an open situation?” “Where is she?” “All right, I got another question for you.” [audience laughing] “Where’s your dick at? You got a dick under that tail?”
[audience laughing]
So I meet up with the 55-year-old in person. We sit down to dinner. I take a look at him, and I was like… “Huh.” [audience laughs] “Oh, you’re not 55, are you?” He was like, “No, I’m 60.” “Ali, look, I’m really sorry, okay?” “I should’ve come clean to you about this sooner. I was just…” “I was so excited to meet you.” “When I first joined the app, I accidentally, honestly, entered in my birthday in wrong, and the app wouldn’t let me go back and change it.” “And because that app is so exclusive, I didn’t wanna get on the waitlist again.” “And yes, all of those pictures on my profile are admittedly from five years ago when I first joined, because I’ve just simply been too lazy to take and upload new ones.” “Ali, look, I really apologize, okay?” “And I totally get it if you just wanna get up and leave right now.” I was like, “No, it’s fine, you know?” “We’re already here, and gas so expensive.” [audience laughing] And I said to him, “Hey, now that I’m seeing you in person, yes, you do look a little bit older, but I have to say, you have the most beautiful, interesting eyes that I’ve ever seen in my life.” And he was like, “Oh.” [chuckles softly] “Yeah, that’s ’cause I have glaucoma.”
[audience laughing]
I was like, “You should’ve kept that shit to yourself, man.” Now when I go to the bathroom, I have to Google, “What is glaucoma?” [audience laughing] It’s wild, because, you know, I’m 42. I’ve never fucked a 60-year-old man before. And I have to say that it was awesome.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Yeah. It was, it really was. I would highly recommend fucking a 60-year-old man if you like it when a man cums and he screams violently… [audience laughing] …as if you were pulling his nose right off of his face. Just… [screams] You know, really makes you feel alive because he might be dead. [audience laughing] Oh, fucking a dude that’s 60 is especially great if you’re into it when a man ejaculates and then he physically collapses on top of you. And then you feel like you just pulled the wrong piece out of a Jenga tower, right? Like, you thought you were gonna go down in history as this Asian-American pioneer of motherhood and comedy, but no, your legacy is you’re a murderer now. That’s how you’ll be remembered. Oh, but the best part about fucking a dude that’s 60 is that you get to hear a story…
[audience laughing]
…that he already told you on Tuesday… [audience laughing] …that he’s gonna repeat to you on Friday, about a half-court shot he once made in 1985. [audience laughing] Listen, I am being sincere when I said that it was awesome, because it was, okay? Let’s not forget that this dude is a former pro surfer. So he’s been fucking women his whole life. Whole life. He’s got all kinds of tricks up his sleeve. All this shit, right? This shit. Spitting on his knee. [mimics spitting] This shit. You know? [chuckles] Then spitting on his toes. [mimics spitting] I’ve never seen that before. Whoo! Like, using his leg like a tentacle. ‘Cause he’s a man of the ocean, you know? He got an octopus teacher. He got seahorse friends advising him and shit. He is one with the mollusks. He’s Aquaman.
[audience laughing]
Uh… And then he was looking at me the entire time with those iridescent Night King eyes.
[audience laughing]
Those hologram “winter is coming” eyes, you know? Made the whole experience both majestic and terrifying. Had me feeling like if I failed to cum at the same time as him, he was gonna put a curse on me. And then at midnight, I was gonna turn into a little baby Minotaur with psoriasis. [audience laughs] We did climax simultaneously. Very rare for the first time you fuck somebody. And it was amazing, it was very intense. Bing-bing-bing-bing-bing-bing. It was great. Uh… But then he screamed in my ear. [audience laughing] And I swear to God, it was so loud… it made my vision blurry. [audience laughing] And then he just went full boneless and turned into a 200 lb human flesh puppet on top of me. He just wouldn’t move. And my heart sank to my stomach. I was like, “Oh, my God, he’s dead.” [audience laughing] And then when he started breathing again, I’ve never felt relief like that in my life. Spread to my fingertips, my toes, and my nose. It was like I came twice.
[audience laughing]
The only sensation better than an orgasm is knowing you’re not actually gonna go to jail. [audience laughing] The first person to contact me after the announcement of my divorce was this 25-year-old half-Vietnamese bro from Texas, living in Chicago. And he was super-duper hot, but I was very reticent to respond to him because he’s 25 years old. That’s young. That means he doesn’t know who Kato Kaelin is, he’s never drunk Crystal Pepsi or watched E.T. Like, what the fuck are we gonna talk about, you know?
[audience laughing]
So I was ignoring his DMs, and then he sent me a thirst-trap video. That’s way past my time, okay? I’ve never received one of those before, so I didn’t know what was happening. He sends me this video where he’s in a bathroom and the shower’s running. I was like, “What’s going on? This kid okay?” “Is he depressed or something?” “Is he about to hurt himself? Is this a cry for help?” And then he proceeded to take off his shirt, and he was just jacked, and then he did that shit with his pecs.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch.
[audience laughing] [chuckles] Like a Toni Braxton video. I was like, “Oh, my God.” And then he proceeded to adjust his sweatpants. And then he was like… [smacking lips] And then the video ends, and I was like… [gasps] [audience laughing] And then I watched the video ten more times. [audience laughs] Each time, just zeroing in more and more at that part at the end where he’s adjusting his sweatpants. I’m trying to detect from the lighting, from the tug of the fabric, like, how big is this thing, you know? My God, he was so smart to not show me it, but instead show me the silhouette of it. It was very burlesque of him. [audience laughing] [man whooping] So he flew to LA, and I fucked the shit out of him.
[audience laughing]
Oh, my God. Oh! [audience cheering, applauding] It was so good. My toes are curled up in two fists right now just thinking about it again. It was so good that I decided to fly to Chicago two weeks later to fuck him again. [audience cheering] Yes. And I could tell that he was broke, because all of his thirst-trap videos were filmed in a YMCA bathroom.
[audience laughing]
[Ali clears throat] So I called him up before I left for Chicago, and I said, “Hey, I’m so excited to see you again, and, uh, I wanna stay at a nice hotel.” “I wanna eat at great restaurants, and I wanna do fun things.” “So while I’m there, I’m gonna pay for everything.” He was like, “Sick.”
[audience laughing]
[sighs in relief] “Cowabunga…” [laughs]
[audience laughing]
I land there, and we have a great night together. And then in the morning, he was like, “What’d you wanna do today?” I was like, “I wanna go to the museum.” He was like, “I’m down to see dinosaurs.”
[audience laughing]
I like, “No, man, I wanna go to the Art Institute of Chicago. “It is arguably the best museum in the US.” “It’s where that famous scene from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off was filmed.” “Oh, my God.” “You don’t know what Ferris Bueller’s Day Off is.”
[audience laughs]
And so we go there, and because it’s my favorite museum, we spent three hours there. I didn’t realize that until we were leaving. I was like, “Oh, my God, we’ve been here for three hours.” “Are you okay?” “Was that, like, total utter torture for you?” He was like, “No.” “All this art? Fire!” [audience laughing] “Fire, bro. That dude Monet? Fire.” [audience laughing] I was like, “Did you just say… [mispronouncing] ‘Monet’?” [audience laughing] “Okay, I’m gonna fuck you like six more times.” [audience laughing] Traditionally, I have exclusively dated Asian-American men. I still find them to be the sexiest. I do. Like when I watched Squid Game, I was like, “Oh, my God.” Whoo! “I like that one, I like that one, I like that one, and I like that one.” And then when I watched Avatar: The Last Airbender, the cartoon, I was like, “I like that one, I like that one, I like that one, I like that one.” I like Prince Zuko, I like Uncle Iroh, I like Appa. I like all of them.
[audience laughing]
[laughs] So, you know, historically, I have exclusively dated Asian-American men, but I have now opened myself up to taste the rainbow. [audience laughing] Yes. And for the first time in my life, I have dated quite a few white men. That’s not really part of the rainbow… [audience laughing] …but it’s like the cloud at the end of the rainbow. And I do believe that the precipitation from clouds is crucial to the forma… You know what? I’m not a climatologist. You get it, okay? In the past two years, I’ve fucked a lot of dudes named Blake. [audience laughing] And for whatever reason, it has specifically been a lot of white dudes from the Midwest. And while all of them have been oh so very kind, I don’t know that me and any of those dudes could’ve lasted long-term, because these white dudes from the Midwest, their diet, their palate, is so limited. I’m a very adventurous eater, okay? I eat pigs’ feet, I eat durian, I eat snails, I eat everything. Yeah. But these white dudes from the Midwest, they get diarrhea… [audience laughing] …every time they eat a dish that’s not a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
[audience laughing]
I’m like, “Oh, my God, Blake, you have diarrhea again?” “From soy sauce?” “The Kikkoman soy sauce was too spicy for you, Blake?” “Do you wanna get extra mild soy sauce next time?” “Do you wanna just dip your California roll in mayonnaise water moving forward?”
[audience laughing]
Then these white dudes from the Midwest, they’re always yucking my yum, acting like the food I eat is gross and crazy. I’m like, “No, Blake. The food you eat is gross and crazy.” One night for dinner, I witness Blake eat a slice of cheese pizza with a glass of cold milk and ice cream for dessert. He had milk three ways. [audience laughing] A straight tres leches meal… [audience laughing] …was the most lactose-tolerant human being I’d ever met in my life. He was like a cat, a mouse, and a toddler wrapped up in one.
[audience laughing]
[scoffs] Oh, my God, it blew my mind the first night we ate fried chicken together, because you know, I eat my meat to the bone, like a good Vietnamese girl. I eat the cartilage, the marrow, the gristle… [audience cheering] …the skin. I eat everything. Uh, Blake took one bite of his drumstick and then moved right on to the next piece, leaving enough meat on the bone to feed all the Whos in Whoville.
[audience laughing]
I was like, “Oh, what’s for dessert?” “Dollar bills on fire?” [audience laughing] And then one afternoon, I take him to the San Gabriel Valley, which is like the mecca for Chinese food here in Los Angeles. And I take him to this fantastic, very authentic Chinese restaurant, and we meet up with my college friend Hai. And Hai was trying to be friendly and make small talk with Blake, and he says, “Hey, Blake, does Ali have you eating all sorts of crazy shit?” And Blake was like, “Yeah, it’s a lot of stuff that I’m not used to, but I try to be open. It’s important to me to try new things.” And then Hai says to me, “Ali, look what Blake just did.” And Blake had poured tea for the three of us into our rice bowls.
[audience laughing]
He was like, “I don’t understand. Where’s the tea supposed to go?” And then Hai pushed the teacups forward. And Blake was like, “But that’s too small for tea.” And Hai was like, “Well, it’s definitely too small for rice.” Then he says, “You know what? It’s all good, bro.” “‘Cause I was low-carb, but today, I’m no carb.”
[audience laughing]
And then Blake started flipping out about all the tendon and sea cucumber that Hai and I were ordering. And he’s like, “Ali, can you please just order me a pork bun?” So I get him a pork bun, and he ate it with the paper still on. [audience laughing] I think for the longest time I was so focused on getting dicked down because the task of finding a boyfriend, someone who I consider talented, someone who makes me laugh, someone who I have a real connection with, someone who I look up to as an artist, someone that I would feel proud to introduce to my kids, my peers and my friends and my mentors. I mean, that seemed impossible, you know? Like, if you wanna be my boyfriend, too, just to start, you gotta be a divorced dad. Yeah. You gotta be a divorced dad because I want a man that’s been pre-yelled at.
[audience laughing]
Turnkey ready, know what I’m saying? I want that cast iron skillet seasoned. I want a man whose inner spirit has already been crushed by his ex-wife, my guardian angel, my master, my shifu, who has ordered him around to death and taken half of his money so that I seem like an easygoing cheerleader in comparison. One woman’s trash is another woman’s trained trash. [audience laughing]
[chuckles]
[man] Yeah! I don’t want a man that’s broke, but I do want a man that’s broken, okay? Yeah, I wanna see some dings on that CARFAX report. I wanna see that in 2020, there was a head-on collision when David put the wet dishes on top of the dry dishes. [audience laughing] I don’t want one of these dudes that’s 40 years old, been single their whole life, no marriage, no kids. Uh-uh. Those men age, but they don’t grow up. [audience laughing] Right? They get very easily overwhelmed.
[audience laughing]
I want a man that doesn’t take an entire day to put a duvet cover on a duvet. I want a man who knows how to buy other fruit besides bananas. [audience laughing] And look, if you wanna be my boyfriend, I accept occasional erectile dysfunction, okay? Yeah, we’re 40. Erectile dysfunction is like climate change. It’s here. Don’t be in denial.
[audience laughing]
I accept occasional erectile dysfunction, just as long as you know how to pivot. You have to pivot fast. You gotta eat out my ass right away. Right away. Within milliseconds. Nothing will make me forget and forgive faster than when you place the hole where food goes in right on top of the hole where food goes out. Ooh! You know? It’s a complete reset. It’s like the Men in Black pen. This is the new beginning now. You know?
[audience laughing]
[chuckles] What I definitely don’t want instead of the pivot is to have to hear the excuse, the explanation, the speech, as to why your boner has gone soft. [in a high-pitched voice] “Oh, I’ve had a very stressful day.” “I had a long Zoom, and then I played pickleball for two hours.” “I’m exhausted. A lot on my mind. My grandma’s sick…” Nobody gives a shit. Put your tongue in the booty hole now.
[audience laughing]
Lengua en el culo ahorita. [audience laughing] [chuckles] All right, I think this next point should be obvious. If you wanna be my boyfriend, you better be nasty. Yeah. A lot of men out there aren’t nasty. A lot of men refuse to kiss after they’ve cum in your mouth. How rude. [audience laughing] I just sucked your dick. My knees have those puffy red circles on them. My topknot has migrated to the side of my head. [audience laughing] And you can’t… [mimicking kiss] “Thank you. Thank you so much.” “Thank you, Emmy, Golden Globe winner Ali Wong… [audience cheering] …for sucking my dick.” That’s your jizz in my mouth. Why are you acting grossed out? That’s like being like, “Ugh! Who farted?” “You farted. You jizzed and you farted.” [audience laughing] “That’s your fart, your cum, your responsibility. Now kiss me.”
[audience laughing]
“You know what? Your jizz isn’t even in my mouth anymore, because I swallowed it since I’m a kind six.” [audience laughing] I should clarify, there are no globs of jizz in my mouth anymore. There is a film, a coating, a whisper, if you will, similar to when you eat a bag of Cheetos. The Cheetos are in your tummy, but the orange dust, the sabor, the essence, the spirit of the Cheeto, still remains and lingers. Yes. [man whoops] [chuckles] Look, I’m not saying you have to give me head day one of my period. That’s disgusting, okay? I know the difference between nasty and disgusting. That’s disgusting. You do not have to give me head day one of my period. But when we have landed at day four… and it has petered out into a watery salsa… [audience laughing hysterically] What are you scared of, you baby? There’s iron in there, okay?
[audience laughing hysterically]
There’s nutritional benefit. Tomorrow, you can skip putting spinach in your smoothie because of me.
[audience laughing]
So while I was very focused on getting dicked down, at the same time, I was always, deep down, looking forward to falling in love. I mean that. I’m a romantic ho like that, okay? I love falling in love. I believe it’s the best feeling in the world. They call it “falling” for a reason, because it’s momentous, you know? I love that beginning magical period where you only see the positive qualities in somebody else. Right? And then you feel like a better person… because you’re pretending to be a better person. [audience laughing] I like the challenge of having to impress somebody else. I like wondering, “Oh, my God.” “Does this person like me as much as I like them?” And then when you finally have sex after all that anticipation… [inhales sharply] …it’s never that good again, right? Right? When they enter you for the first time, and you give each other that look… You know, that look that’s just like…
[breath shaking]
[audience laughing] It’s so good. Because they’re not just sticking their dick inside of your pussy… Mm-mm. …they’re filling the hole in your heart… [audience laughing] …that you didn’t know was there in the first place. Now, I have fallen in love once since my divorce, and that hole got filled. It did. But it made me curious about how many other holes are in my heart. [audience laughing] And if my heart is like Swiss cheese, where there’s different holes of varying diameters that require bespoke dicks to fill them.
[audience laughing]
I did fall in love once since my divorce. I fell in love very hard with this Japanese-American dude that I met at a coffee shop, of all places. And my God, he was so stunning. I had to go and talk to him. He was 6′ 8″. Yeah, I didn’t know they made us in that size. I was like, “Oh, my God.” “Who’s this?” And then he turned out to be this very talented drummer, and a bunch of my friends knew who he was. They were like, “Oh, my God, Ali, that dude is the shit.” And he was so funny, and, my God, he was so smart. He spoke three different languages. He was a divorced dad, and we fell in love head over heels so fast. And we were getting ready to go on this big trip to Asia together, and then all of a sudden, one day, he broke up with me. And, uh… And I was totally blindsided. I still don’t know why he did it, and I was devastated. And I tried to hide how bummed out I was from my kids, but then they found me in the closet one day, listening to Tony Rich Project, They were like, “Mommy, what’s wrong? Why are you so bummed out all the time?” So that was sort of the impetus for me to get back up on stage and do stand-up again and go on tour. Um…
[audience cheering]
Yeah. Thank you so much. Stand-up is the one thing that’s always made me feel so connected to people. And I gotta tell you that even though that dude really broke my heart, not for one second did I ever regret getting divorced. I mean it. Because, you know, that drummer dude, he came along, and he filled this hole in my heart, but then he left me, and then that hole was empty again. But at least I was single and free to go on another adventure to fill it. Right? [audience cheering] Yeah. And that freedom, it feels so good. And I know that it can be really intimidating to get back out there as a 40-year-old mom, because you think to yourself, “Who’s gonna wanna fuck me and my stretched-out cave pussy?” “Who’s gonna want this geriatric uterus, these breastfed National Geographic titties?
[audience laughing]
And I’m here to tell you that as long as you’re a kind six, real men don’t give a fuck, okay?
[audience cheering]
They don’t. They really don’t. Real men know that real sexiness is on the inside. And I know, also, that, you know, divorce gets a really bad reputation and it can sound really scary and full of acrimony, but then just look at me as an alternate example of how it can be. I’m best friends with my ex-husband, and then if you…
Yeah, I really am.
[audience cheering]
And if you can take away anything from what you’ve heard tonight, look how much fun I’m having. [audience laughing] It’s crazy. Like, I never thought I would have this much fun, this kind of fun, at this stage in my life. I swear to God, divorce is so fun… [audience laughing softly] …that I almost wanna get married again… [audience laughing] …just so I can get divorced again. And if you would like to join the hotation, please feel free to DM me. [laughing]
[audience laughing]
I’m just kidding. I have a new boyfriend now. I do. [audience cheering] Uh… I did fall in love again. Some of you might know who the guy is. [audience cheering] And, uh… it just so happens to be the man who sent me all of those flowers in Europe. I’ve been Ali Wong. Have a good night, everybody. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you.
[audience cheering]
♪ All we have to do now ♪
♪ Is take these lies And make them true somehow ♪
♪ All we have to see ♪
♪ Is that I don’t belong to you And you don’t belong to me, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Freedom, oh ♪
♪ Freedom ♪
♪ Freedom ♪
♪ You’ve gotta give for what you take ♪
– ♪ Freedom ♪
♪ I’ll hold onto my ♪
♪ Freedom ♪
[inaudible]
♪ My freedom ♪
♪ You’ve gotta give for what you take ♪
♪ Give for what, give for what you take ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ You’ve gotta give for what Give for what, to give ♪
♪ May not be what you want from me ♪
♪ Just the way it’s got to be ♪
[music fades]
