Bo Burnham: Inside (2021) | Transcript

“Bo Burnham: Inside” is a comedy special written, directed, and performed by American comedian and musician Bo Burnham. It was released in 2021 and gained significant attention for its unique format and the way it was created during the COVID-19 pandemic.

“Bo Burnham: Inside” explores the experience of life during the COVID-19 pandemic. Bo Burnham wrote, directed, and performed the special entirely on his own, from a single room in his home. The special is an intimate and often introspective journey through a year of isolation, social distancing, and the emotional ups and downs that many people experienced during the pandemic.

The special includes several original songs, some of which became internet sensations in their own right. “All Eyes on Me,” “Welcome to the Internet,” and “White Woman’s Instagram” are just a few of the memorable tunes.

* * *

♪ If you’d have told me ♪

♪ A year ago ♪

♪ That I’d be locked inside of my home ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ I would have told you ♪

♪ A year ago ♪

♪ Interesting, now leave me alone ♪

♪ Sorry that I look like a mess ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ I booked a haircut But it got rescheduled ♪

♪ Robert’s been a little depressed ♪

♪ No! ♪

♪ And so today I’m gonna try just ♪

♪ Getting up, sitting down ♪

♪ Going back to work ♪

♪ Might not help But still it couldn’t hurt ♪

♪ I’m sitting down, writing jokes ♪

♪ Singing silly songs ♪

♪ I’m sorry I was gone ♪

♪ But look, I made you some content ♪

♪ Daddy made you your favorite Open wide ♪

♪ Here comes the content ♪

♪ It’s a beautiful day ♪

♪ To stay inside ♪

Camera test.

♪ The world is changing ♪

♪ The planet’s heating up ♪

♪ What the fuck is going on? ♪

♪ Rearranging ♪

♪ It’s like everything Happened all at once ♪

♪ Um, what the fuck is going on? ♪

♪ The people rising in the streets ♪

♪ The war, the drought ♪

♪ The more I look ♪

♪ The more I see nothing to joke about ♪

♪ Is comedy over? ♪

♪ Should I leave you alone? ♪

♪ ‘Cause really who’s gonna go for ♪

♪ Joking at a time like this? ♪

♪ Should I be joking At a time like this? ♪

♪ I wanna help to leave this world ♪

♪ Better than I found it ♪

♪ And I fear that comedy won’t help ♪

♪ And the fear is not unfounded ♪

♪ Should I stop trying to be funny? ♪

♪ Should I give away my money? ♪

♪ No! ♪

♪ What do I do? ♪

[in ethereal voice]

♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪

♪ The indescribable power of your comedy ♪

♪ The world needs direction ♪

♪ From a white guy like me ♪

♪ [in deep voice] Bingo ♪

♪ Who is healing the world with comedy ♪

That’s it.

[inspirational music playing]

The world is so fucked up.

Systematic oppression.

Income inequality.

The other stuff.

And there’s only one thing that I can do about it, while… while being paid, and being the center of attention.

♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪

♪ Making a literal difference Metaphorically ♪

♪ A Jew walks into a bar ♪

♪ And I’ve saved him a seat ♪

♪ That’s healing the world with comedy ♪

♪ I’m a special kind of white guy ♪

♪ I self-reflected And I want to be an agent of change ♪

♪ So I am gonna use my privilege For the good ♪

♪ Very cool, way to go! ♪

♪ American white guys ♪

♪ We’ve had the floor For at least 400 years ♪

♪ So maybe I should just Shut the fuck up… ♪

I’m bored.

♪ I don’t wanna do that ♪

♪ There’s gotta be another way ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ For me to help out Without standing on the sidelines ♪

♪ Never ♪

♪ The wait is over ♪

♪ I’m white And I’m here to save the day ♪

♪ Lord help me channel Sandra Bullock in The Blind Side ♪

♪ Sandra Bullock! ♪

♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪

♪ Making a literal difference Metaphorically ♪

♪ And yes, most likely they’ll pay me ♪

♪ But I’d do it for free ♪

♪ I am healing the world with comedy ♪

♪ If you wake up in a house That’s full of smoke ♪

♪ Don’t panic ♪

♪ Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪

♪ If you see white men Dressed in white cloaks ♪

♪ Don’t panic ♪

♪ Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪

♪ Oh shit ♪

♪ Should I be joking At a time like this? ♪

♪ If you start to smell burning toast ♪

♪ You’re having a stroke Or overcooking your toast ♪

♪ If you wake up in a house That’s full of smoke ♪

♪ Don’t panic Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪

♪ If you see white men Dressed in white cloaks ♪

♪ Don’t panic Call me, and I’ll tell you a joke ♪

♪ Oh shit ♪

♪ Should I be joking At a time like this? ♪

♪ Somebody help me out ♪

♪ ‘Cause I don’t know ♪

♪ And I want to help to leave this world ♪

♪ Better than I found it ♪

♪ And I fear that comedy won’t help ♪

♪ And the fear is not unfounded ♪

♪ Should I stop trying to be funny? ♪

♪ Should I give away my money? ♪

♪ No! ♪

♪ I know what I gotta do ♪

♪ Healing the world with comedy ♪

♪ Making a literal difference Metaphorically ♪

♪ I swore I’d never be back ♪

♪ But now I’m back on my feet ♪

♪ And I’m healing the world with comedy ♪

[birds chirping]

Anthony Jeselnik: Fire in the Maternity Ward (2019) – Transcript

Hi. Welcome to, uh, whatever this is. Um, I’ve been working for the last couple months, um, testing this camera, and testing lights, and writing, and I’ve decided to, uh, try to make a new special. For real. Um, it’s not gonna be a normal special because there’s no audience, and there’s no crew. It’s just me and my camera, and you and your screen. Uh, the way that… that our Lord intended. Um… And the whole special will be… will be filmed in this, uh, room. And instead of being filmed in a single night, it will be filmed in uh, however long it takes to finish. I hope you, uh, enjoy it. I… I hope this special can maybe do for you what it’s done for me these last couple months, which is, uh, to distract me from wanting to put a bullet into my head with a gun. So… Yeah, thank you. And a warning. Um, I can already sort of tell that this special is going to be a little all over the place, so don’t expect incredibly smooth transiti–

[electronic music playing]

♪ Pour me a drink and clear my schedule ♪

♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ These 40 minutes are essential ♪

♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ I call, she answers And her hair is wet ♪

♪ Hair is wet ♪

♪ I say, “Did you just shower?”

♪ She says, “How’d you guess?” ♪

♪ I say, “Your hair is wet” She says, “Oh yeah” ♪

♪ I tell my boys I need some space, yeah ♪

♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪

♪ She’ll hold her iPhone 5 No further than six inches from her face ♪

♪ Yeah, I’mma FaceTime With my mom tonight ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ She says, “Oh, look who’s here” ♪

♪ Say hi to Dad ♪

♪ Hi to Dad ♪

♪ He says, “How ya doing, bud?”

♪ I say, “I’m not so bad” ♪

♪ And that’s the deepest talk We’ve ever had ♪

♪ Watching as she looks for her glasses ♪

♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪

♪ She’ll tell me all about ♪

♪ The season six finale of The Blacklist ♪

♪ I’mma FaceTime with my mom tonight ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪

♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪

♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪

♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪

♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪

♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪

♪ My mother’s covering Her camera with her thumb ♪

♪ I’ll waste my time FaceTiming with my mom ♪

---

Hey, kids. Today, we’re gonna learn about the world.

♪ The world that’s around us ♪

♪ Is pretty amazing ♪

♪ But how does it work? ♪

♪ It must be complicated ♪

♪ The secret is the world can only work ♪

♪ When everything works together ♪

♪ A bee drinks from a flower ♪

♪ And leaves with its pollen ♪

♪ A squirrel in a tree Spreads the seeds that have fallen ♪

♪ Everything works together ♪

♪ The biggest elephant, the littlest fly ♪

♪ The gophers underground The birds in the sky ♪

♪ And every single cricket Every fish in the sea ♪

♪ Gives what they can And gets what they need ♪

♪ That is how the world works ♪

♪ That is how the world works ♪

♪ From A to Zebra To the worms in the dirt ♪

♪ That’s how ♪

♪ It works ♪

Hey, everyone. Look who stopped by to say hello.

It’s Socko.

Hey!

Where you been, Socko?

I’ve been where I always am when you’re not wearing me on your hand. In a frightening, liminal space between states of being. Not quite dead, not quite alive. It’s similar to a constant state of sleep paralysis.

Socko, we were just talking about the world and how it works.

Boy, that sounds complicated.

Do you have anything you’d want to teach us about the world?

I wouldn’t say anything that you probably haven’t already said yourself.

I don’t know about that, Socko. How about you give it a try?

All right.

♪ The simple narrative taught In every history class ♪

♪ Is demonstrably false And pedagogically classist ♪

♪ Don’t you know The world is built with blood ♪

♪ And genocide and exploitation ♪

♪ The global network of capital Essentially functions ♪

♪ To separate the worker From the means of production ♪

♪ And the FBI killed Martin Luther King ♪

♪ Private property’s inherently theft ♪

♪ And neoliberal fascists Are destroying the left ♪

♪ And every politician ♪

♪ Every cop on the street ♪

♪ Protects the interests Of the pedophilic corporate elite ♪

♪ That is how the world works… ♪

Really?

♪ That is how the world works ♪

♪ Genocide The Natives say you got to it first ♪

♪ That’s how ♪

♪ It works ♪

That’s pretty intense.

No shit.

What can I do to help?

Read a book or something. I don’t know. Just don’t burden me with the responsibility of educating you. It’s incredibly exhausting.

I’m sorry, Socko. I was just trying to become a better person.

Why do you rich fucking white people insist on seeing every socio-political conflict through the myopic lens of your own self-actualization? This isn’t about you. So either get with it, or get out of the fucking way.

Watch your mouth, buddy. Remember who’s on whose hand here.

But that’s what I– Have you not been fucking listening? We are entrenched in–

All right.

Wait! No, please! I don’t want to go back. I can’t go… I can’t go back. Please. Please. I’m sorry.

Are you gonna behave yourself?

Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, sir.

Look at me.

Yes, sir.

That’s better.

♪ That is how the world works ♪

♪ That is how the world works ♪

♪ I hope you learned your lesson ♪

♪ I did and it hurt! ♪

♪ That’s how ♪

♪ It works ♪

No!

---

Hello, my name is Bo Burnham. And I am a former comedian, turned social brand consultant. It’s a very exciting time to be a, uh, brand. It’s also a bit of a scary time because customers expect a lot more from their brands than they did in the past. During this incredibly necessary and overdue social reckoning that we’re having in our culture, it is no longer acceptable for brands to stay out of the conversation. Consumers want to know, “Are you willing to use your brand awareness to effect positive social change?” Which will create more brand awareness. The question I ask the brands I work with is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is… “Are you gonna be on the right side of history?”

The question isn’t, “What are you selling?” Or… or “What service are you providing?” The question is, “What do you stand for?” Who are you, Bagel Bites?

All these big companies, they’re so scared of all this social change, and I come in and I put their fears to rest. You know, I tell them, “Just be honest.Tell your customers that… that JPMorgan is against racism.” In theory.

The question is no longer, “Do you want to buy Wheat Thins?” For example. The question is now, “Will you support Wheat Thins in the fight against Lyme disease?”

There’s no sugarcoating it. The world is… fucked up. And you’ve got a choice as a brand. You can… hide and bury your head in the sand and hope it fixes itself, or you can roll up your sleeves and get to work, and sell Butterfingers.

---

♪ An open window ♪

♪ A novel ♪

♪ A couple holding hands ♪

♪ An avocado ♪

♪ A poem ♪

♪ Written in the sand ♪

♪ Fresh fallen snow on the ground ♪

♪ A golden retriever in a flower crown ♪

♪ Is this heaven ♪

♪ Or is it just a white woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

♪ White woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

♪ White woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

♪ White woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

♪ Latte foam art ♪

♪ Tiny pumpkins ♪

♪ Fuzzy, comfy socks ♪

♪ Coffee table made out of driftwood ♪

♪ A bobblehead of Ruth Bader Ginsburg ♪

♪ A needlepoint of a fox ♪

♪ Some random quote From Lord of the Rings ♪

♪ Incorrectly attributed To Martin Luther King ♪

♪ Is this heaven ♪

♪ Or am I looking at a white woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

♪ White woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

♪ White woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

♪ White woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

♪ Her favorite photo of her mom ♪

♪ The caption says ♪

♪ I can’t believe it ♪

♪ It’s been a decade Since you’ve been gone ♪

♪ Momma, I miss you ♪

♪ I miss sitting with you In the front yard ♪

♪ Still figuring out How to keep living without you ♪

♪ It’s got a little better But it’s still hard ♪

♪ Momma, I got a job I love And my own apartment ♪

♪ Momma, I got a boyfriend And I’m crazy about him ♪

♪ Your little girl didn’t do too bad ♪

♪ Momma, I love you Give a hug and kiss to Dad ♪

♪ A goat-cheese salad ♪

♪ A backlit hammock ♪

♪ A simple glass of wine ♪

♪ Incredibly derivative Political street art ♪

♪ A dreamcatcher Bought from Urban Outfitters ♪

♪ A vintage neon sign ♪

♪ Three little words, a couple of doves ♪

♪ And a ring on her finger From the person that she loves ♪

♪ Is this heaven ♪

♪ Or is it just a white woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

♪ White woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

♪ White woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

♪ White woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

♪ White woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

♪ White woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

♪ White woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

♪ White woman ♪

♪ A white woman’s Instagram ♪

Here’s a question for you guys. Um…

Is it… is it necessary?

Is it necessary that every single person on this planet um, expresses every single opinion that they have on every single thing that occurs all at the same time?

Is that… is that necessary?

Um…

Or to ask in a slightly different way, um, can… can anyone shut the fuck up?

Can… can anyone, any… any… any one, any single one, can any one… shut the fuck up about anything–

About any… any single thing?

Can any single person shut the fuck up about any single thing for an hour?

You know, is that… is that possible?

And I know you’re thinking, “You’re not shutting the fuck up right now,” and that’s true, but…

♪ Who needs a coffee ‘Cause I’m doing a run ♪

♪ I’m writing down the orders now For everyone ♪

♪ The coffee is free, just like me ♪

♪ I’m an unpaid intern ♪

♪ Sorting papers, running around ♪

♪ Sitting in the meeting I’m not making a sound ♪

♪ Barely people, somehow legal ♪

♪ Unpaid intern ♪

♪ You work all day, go back to your dorm ♪

♪ And since you can’t afford a mortgage You just torrent a porn ♪

♪ ‘Cause you’re an intern ♪

♪ Unpaid ♪

Hey, everybody.

Um, I thought I’d do a reaction video to the song that you just saw me perform.

Thought that might be fun.

Um, so I got my laptop all set up. So I’m ready to go, and let’s go.

♪ Who needs a coffee ‘Cause I’m doing a run… ♪

I like this song.

Um, so the idea with this song was basically that there’s so many songs in the past about… about working-class jobs, but not a lot about the labor exploitation of the modern world, so that was the idea here.

♪ Barely people, somehow legal… ♪

My beard is a little shorter in this video ’cause I filmed it a couple weeks ago.

♪ Go back to your dorm ♪

♪ And since you can’t afford a mortgage You just… ♪

I think it holds up. The song, not the beard.

♪ Unpaid ♪

And then you cut. I think it’s funny to cut right on–

…do a reaction video to the song that you just saw me perform.

Thought that might be fun.

What…

Um, so I got my…

Because this video played after that.

Right. So, and now… Right.

Okay, so I’ll just keep reacting.

So, this is me reacting to the song.

Um…

What I’m doing is I’m explaining what the song means.

Um, and what it’s about. I’m being a little pretentious.

It’s, uh… it’s an instinct I have where I need everything that I write to have some deeper meaning or something.

But it’s a stupid song, and, uh, it doesn’t really mean anything, and, uh, it’s… it’s pretty unlikable that I… that I feel this need, this desperate need, to be seen as intelligent.

And the video’s ending here, as you can see, and look, I’m very confused. See, I’m very, very confused.

‘Cause I’m staring at myself, I don’t know what I’m looking at, and I’m starting to catch up now, and realizing what’s going on.

And, uh, yeah, now I’m deciding to react to the reaction to the video.

So here, um, I’m reacting to my own reacting, and I’m criticizing my initial reaction for… for being pretentious, which is… which is honestly, it’s a… it’s a defense mechanism.

I’m… I’m so worried that criticism will be levied against me that I levy it against myself before anyone else can.

And I think that, “Oh, if I’m self-aware about being a douchebag, it’ll somehow make me less of a douchebag.” But it… but it doesn’t.

Um, self-awareness does not absolve anybody of anything.

Am I balding? This is really, really disturbing.

I don’t like looking at myself like this, and I want… I want this to stop.

Okay, I want this to stop. I’m… I’m stopping this.

So, yeah, that was, uh, my reaction to the song, and I hope you enjoyed it.

♪ CEO, entrepreneur ♪

♪ Born in 1964 ♪

♪ Jeffrey ♪

♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪

♪ CEO, entrepreneur ♪

♪ Born in 1964 ♪

♪ Jeffrey ♪

♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪

♪ Come on, Jeffrey, you can do it ♪

♪ Pave the way, put your back into it ♪

♪ Tell us why Show us how ♪

♪ Look at where you came from Look at you now ♪

♪ Zuckerberg and Gates and Buffet ♪

♪ Amateurs can fucking suck it ♪

♪ Fuck their wives, drink their blood ♪

♪ Come on, Jeff, get ’em! ♪

I don’t know about you guys, but, um, you know, I’ve been thinking recently that… that you know, maybe, um, allowing giant digital media corporations to exploit the neurochemical drama of our children for profit…

You know, maybe that was, uh… a bad call by us.

Maybe… maybe the… the flattening of the entire subjective human experience into a… lifeless exchange of value that benefits nobody, except for, um, you know, a handful of bug-eyed salamanders in Silicon Valley…

Maybe that as a… as a way of life forever… maybe that’s, um, not good.

I’m… horny.

Sexting

♪ It isn’t sex It’s the next best thing ♪

♪ Sexting ♪

♪ Aye, aye ♪

♪ AT&T ♪

♪ I am in bed ♪

♪ I am ready to go with you ♪

♪ Tonight I’m thinking of taking it slow ♪

♪ We’ll use emojis only ♪

♪ We don’t need phonetical diction ♪

♪ We’ll talk dirty Like we’re ancient Egyptians ♪

♪ You send me a peach ♪

♪ I send a carrot back ♪

♪ You send a Ferris wheel ♪

♪ That’s pretty abstract ♪

♪ I send back a ticket stub ♪

♪ Implying that The Ferris wheel’s your body ♪

♪ And I’d really love admission to it ♪

♪ Oh no! ♪

♪ What if now you think That I’m implying ♪

♪ Your vagina Is as big as a Ferris wheel? ♪

♪ Damn ♪

♪ You send back a snowman ♪

♪ Crisis averted ♪

♪ Thank God ♪

♪ Sexting ♪

♪ It isn’t sex It’s the next best thing ♪

♪ Sexting ♪

♪ Aye, aye ♪

♪ AT&T ♪

♪ No more emojis, now it’s on to words ♪

♪ I ask what you’re wearing You reply, “A shirt” ♪

♪ You say, “Are you naked?” ♪

♪ I say, “Yeah, except for a top hat” ♪

♪ You say, “”lmao.” But I doubt that

♪ I’m getting hot at just the thought Of what I’d do to you ♪

♪ ‘Cause in my head I’m in your bed And getting through to you ♪

♪ They made the Internet For nights like these ♪

♪ I love you, baby Send a picture of your tits, please ♪

♪ Sexting ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ It isn’t sex It’s the next best thing ♪

♪ Sexting ♪

♪ We are sexting ♪

♪ Aye, aye ♪

♪ AT&T ♪

♪ You send the pic And say it’s now my turn ♪

♪ Jesus fucking Christ I guess I never learn ♪

♪ My phone’s flash is my only light ♪

♪ And the flash Makes my dick look frightened ♪

♪ I chicken out And send a picture of my face instead ♪

♪ Because my dick looks like The baby from Eraserhead ♪

♪ You say, “I sent my titties That’s not fair” ♪

♪ So I send it to you And then my phone dies ♪

♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪

♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪

♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪

♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪

♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪

♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪

♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪

♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪

♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick ♪

♪ And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪

♪ Pussy ♪

♪ Another night on my own, yeah ♪

♪ Titties ♪

♪ Stuck in my home, yeah ♪

♪ Balls ♪

♪ Sitting alone, one hand on my dick And one hand on my phone, yeah ♪

Hey, everybody.

Um, I just wanted to make a really quick video to say thank you.

Thank you for watching my content.

As you guys know, I work really hard to try to bring you guys high-quality content that I think you’ll enjoy.

So the fact that you are enjoying it, means everything to me.

So thank you, and also keep watching, ’cause there’s a lot more content where that came from.

All right, guys, see you later.

♪ Trying to be funny and stuck in a room ♪

♪ There isn’t much more to say about it ♪

♪ Can one be funny when stuck in a room? ♪

I took a big fucking breath.

♪ Trying to be funny and stuck in a room ♪

♪ There isn’t much more to say about it ♪

♪ Can one be funny when stuck in a room? ♪

♪ Being in Trying to get something out of it ♪

♪ Try making faces ♪

♪ Try telling jokes ♪

♪ Making little sounds ♪

♪ I was a kid who was stuck in his room ♪

♪ There isn’t much more to say about it ♪

♪ When you’re a kid And you’re stuck in your room ♪

♪ You’ll do any old shit To get out of it ♪

♪ Try making faces ♪

♪ Try telling jokes ♪

♪ Making little sounds ♪

♪ Well, well ♪

♪ Look who’s inside again ♪

♪ Went out to look ♪

♪ For a reason to hide again ♪

♪ Well, well ♪

♪ Buddy, you found it ♪

♪ Now come out with your hands up ♪

♪ We’ve got you surrounded ♪

One more.

♪ I grew up as your usual suburbanite ♪

♪ A tiny town in Massachusetts Overwhelmingly white ♪

♪ I went to church on Sundays In a suit and a tie ♪

♪ Then spent my free time Watching Family Guy ♪

♪ I started doing comedy When I was just a sheltered kid ♪

♪ I wrote offensive shit And I said it ♪

♪ Father, please forgive me For I did not realize what I did ♪

♪ Or that I’d live to regret it ♪

♪ Times are changing And I’m getting old ♪

♪ Are you gonna hold me accountable? ♪

♪ My bed is empty, and I’m getting cold ♪

♪ Isn’t anybody gonna Hold me accountable? ♪

♪ I’m problematic ♪

♪ He’s a problem ♪

♪ When I was 17, on Halloween ♪

♪ I dressed up as Aladdin ♪

♪ He’s a problem ♪

♪ I did not darken my skin ♪

♪ But still it feels weird in hindsight ♪

♪ I want to show you How I’m growing as a person, but first ♪

♪ I feel I must address the lyrics From the previous verse ♪

♪ I tried to hide behind my childhood And that’s not okay ♪

♪ My actions are my own I won’t explain them away ♪

♪ I’ve done a lot of self-reflecting Since I started singing this song ♪

♪ I was totally wrong when I said it ♪

♪ Father, please forgive me For I did not realize what I did ♪

♪ Or that I’d live to regret it ♪

♪ Times are changing And I’m getting old ♪

♪ Are you gonna hold me accountable? ♪

♪ My bed is empty, and I’m getting cold ♪

♪ Isn’t anybody gonna Hold me accountable? ♪

♪ I’m problematic ♪

♪ He’s a problem ♪

♪ I just remembered that Aladdin costume’s In my mother’s attic ♪

♪ He’s a problem ♪

♪ I’m gonna go home and burn it… ♪

Or not burn it. Is burning it bad? What should I do with it?

♪ And I’ve been totally awful ♪

♪ My closet is chock-full of stuff That is vaguely shitty ♪

♪ All of it was perfectly lawful ♪

♪ Just not very thoughtful at all And just really shitty ♪

♪ And I’ve been totally awful ♪

♪ My closet is chock-full of stuff That is vaguely shitty ♪

♪ All of it was perfectly lawful ♪

♪ Just not very thoughtful at all And just really ♪

♪ And I’m really fucking sorry ♪

♪ Bitch, I’m trying to listen ♪

♪ Shit, I’ve been complicit ♪

♪ Sorry ♪

♪ If I’m gonna catch up ♪

♪ First, I gotta fess up ♪

♪ Sorry ♪

♪ Sorry ♪

Sh–

So, um…

I’ve been working on this special now for six months.

And… the whole time I’ve had a… a goal in mind, which is I wanted to finish this thing before I turned 30.

Um, because the idea of… of turning 30, while still in this fucking room, working on this thing alone, um, that just seemed… I just… I just wanted to avoid that.

So…

And you might be thinking, “Well, that’s fine. You know, look at you.”

“You radiate such youth.”

“You must not be turning 30 for years.”

And that’s very, uh, nice of you to say.

But the truth is um, I turn 30 in less than a minute.

So I’m just gonna sit here and enjoy uh, my twenties, and then get back to work.

Yay.

♪ I used to run for miles ♪

♪ I used to ride my bike ♪

♪ I used to wake up with a smile ♪

♪ And go to bed at night with a dream ♪

Ah.

♪ But now I’m turning 30 ♪

♪ No! ♪

♪ I used to be the young one ♪

♪ Got used to meeting people ♪

♪ Who were used to meeting someone ♪

♪ Who was born in 1990 ♪

♪ No way! ♪

Yeah, I was born in 1990.

♪ Now I’m turning 30 ♪

God… God damn it.

♪ I’m ♪

♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪

♪ Turning ♪

♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪

♪ Thirty ♪

♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪

♪ I’m turning 30 ♪

♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪

♪ When he was 27 ♪

♪ My granddad fought in Vietnam ♪

♪ When I was 27 ♪

♪ I built a birdhouse with my mom ♪

Oh fuck.

♪ How am I 30? ♪

♪ I used to make fun of the boomers ♪

♪ In retrospect, a bit too much ♪

♪ Now all these fucking zoomers ♪

♪ Are telling me that I’m out of touch ♪

Oh yeah? Well, your fucking phones are poisoning your minds. Okay?

So when you develop a dissociative mental disorder in your late twenties, don’t come crawling back to me.

♪ I’m ♪

♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪

♪ Turning ♪

♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪

♪ Thirty ♪

♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪

♪ I’m turning 30 ♪

♪ Turning 30, turning 30 ♪

♪ And now my stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪

♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪

♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪

♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪

♪ And now my stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪

♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪

♪ My stupid friends Are having stupid children ♪

♪ Stupid, fucking ugly, boring children ♪

♪ It’s 2020, and I’m 30 ♪

♪ I’ll do another ten ♪

♪ 2030 I’ll be 40 and kill myself then ♪

Okay.

Check that one.

We’ll do one more.

I just wanna say for the record, um, that I do not want to kill myself, okay?

I don’t wanna kill myself, and I’m not going to kill myself.

Um, and if you’re out there and you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts and you want to kill yourself,

I just want to tell you don’t.

Okay? Can you not, please?

Just don’t. All right?

Fucking quit it with the–

But really, don’t kill yourself. You don’t want to, because…

There are people that love you…

That’s not true necessarily, but there could be people that love you in the future, and just don’t.

I’ve had people close to me kill themselves, and I’ll be honest with you, didn’t love it.

Didn’t love that.

So just don’t.

But if I could kill myself for a year…

If I can– I’d do it today.

If I could kill myself today and be dead until like 18 months from now, um, I would do it, but alas… when you kill yourself, you’re dead forever, and we shouldn’t be dead forever yet.

So let’s not. Right?

Come on, guys.

♪ How are you feeling? ♪

♪ Do you like the show? ♪

♪ Are you tired of it? ♪

♪ Never mind, I don’t wanna know ♪

♪ Are you finding it boring? ♪

♪ Too fast, too slow? ♪

♪ I’m asking but don’t answer ♪

♪ ‘Cause I don’t wanna know ♪

♪ Do I have your attention? ♪

♪ Yes or no? ♪

♪ I bet I’d guess the answer ♪

♪ But I don’t wanna know ♪

♪ Am I on in the background? ♪

♪ Are you on your phone? ♪

♪ I’d ask you what you’re watching ♪

♪ But I don’t wanna know ♪

♪ Is there anyone out there? ♪

♪ Or am I all alone? ♪

♪ It wouldn’t make a difference ♪

♪ Still I don’t wanna know ♪

♪ I thought it’d be over by now ♪

♪ But I got a while to go ♪

♪ I’d give away the ending ♪

♪ But you don’t wanna kn– ♪

What’s up, boys. Welcome to the stream.

Um, I’m gonna be doing some live play today for the first time in a while.

Uh, you guys have been wanting that, so we’re gonna do–

This is the title, Inside.

I’ve got a lot of requests for this game in chat.

It’s some indie developer. I’m not really sure.

I’m going in totally cold on this.

Um, JB, thank you for the three months. My dude, much appreciated.

Um… Okay.

That looks pretty good, graphics-wise. I mean, I know it’s a cinematic, but…

So we’re gonna be trying to do live plays every day this week, so tune in for that.

I would be gifting 30 subs at the end of the week.

Um, day 50, 250… All right, so this dude’s been in here for a while.

So is this like an escape the room?

Or…

Okay.

So I can cry.

So he’s… he’s not happy about being in this room.

I like the music. The music is actually nice on this.

Controls are actually pretty smooth. So you’re in this like 2D set up, right?

Like, I can’t control the camera.

Um…

I’ll give it– I guess I’ll cry again.

He’s–

So is the dude big, or is the room small?

That’s what I’m confused about.

Chat’s saying, try the door. Yeah, well, okay.

I mean, I don’t think it’s gonna be that simple, but I will.

Yeah, there ya go.

Um, okay, Well, I think he’ll probably cry again.

It’s tough, dude.

It’s tough. He’s been in here a while.

Um, see, I don’t like that.

I don’t know why they feel the need to give the hint so quick.

I just wish they’d let me… let me explore a little bit.

Wha… I’m holding the flashlight like a… like a cop.

Why is he doing that?

Ah.

All right. Okay. So…

All right.

Okay, he seems a little happier now. That’s nice.

I don’t know.

I’ll cry, I guess, again.

Okay, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be do–

Oh! Nice.

Okay, yeah.

Yeah, great. Um…

All right, I’m into this.

Yeah, it’s giving me sort of like Death Stranding vibes, you know, ’cause it’s, like, it’s fucking boring, but that’s, like, the point, I think.

Dante, thank you for the four months. Appreciate it.

How we feeling out there tonight?

Yeah.

I am not feeling good.

♪ Wake up at 11:30 ♪

♪ Feeling like a bag of shit ♪

♪ Oh no! ♪

♪ All my clothes are dirty So I’m smelling like a bag of shit ♪

♪ Go to pour my coffee, and I miss my cup OMG, that is just my luck ♪

♪ Look in the mirror Say, “What’s up, you useless fuck?” ♪

♪ Are you feeling what I’m feeling? ♪

♪ I haven’t had a shower In the last nine days ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Staring at the ceiling ♪

♪ And waiting For this feeling to go away ♪

♪ But it won’t go away ♪

♪ I’m not really feeling Like I wanna get lit ♪

♪ Tell us how you’re feeling ♪

♪ Well, I feel like shit ♪

♪ Oh, shit ♪

♪ Feeling like A saggy, massive sack of shit ♪

♪ Oh, shit ♪

♪ Big ‘ol motherfucking Duffel bag of shit ♪

♪ Oh, shit ♪

♪ All day, all shit ♪

♪ I’m not really feeling Like I wanna get lit ♪

♪ Tell us how you’re feeling ♪

♪ I’m feeling like shit ♪

♪ Ladies, do you feel like shit? ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Tell me, do you feel like shit? ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Fellas, are you feeling like shit? ♪

♪ Huh ♪

♪ Tell me, are you feeling like shit? ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Ladies, do you feel like shit? ♪

♪ Yeah? ♪

♪ Tell me, do you feel like shit? ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Fellas, are you feeling like shit? ♪

♪ Huh? ♪

♪ Tell me, are you feeling like shit? ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

So, um, my… uh, my current mental health is… is… rapidly approaching, um, an ATL, which is, um, that’s an “all-time low,” not… not Atlanta.

And…

You know, I feel okay when I’m asleep. Like when I’m asleep, I feel all right, but it’s basically from the moment I wake up,

I, uh, I just get this–

♪ Feeling in my body ♪

♪ Way down deep inside me ♪

♪ I try not to fight it ♪

♪ Describe it ♪

♪ All right A few things start to happen ♪

♪ My vision starts to flatten ♪

♪ My heart, it gets to tappin’ ♪

♪ And I think I’m gonna die ♪

Yeah, so, um…

Yeah. Not…

Not doing great.

♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪

♪ Have a look around ♪

♪ Anything that brain of yours Can think of can be found ♪

♪ We’ve got mountains of content ♪

♪ Some better, some worse ♪

♪ If none of it’s of interest to you You’d be the first ♪

♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪

♪ Come and take a seat ♪

♪ Would you like to see the news Or any famous women’s feet? ♪

♪ There’s no need to panic This isn’t a test ♪

♪ Just nod or shake your head And we’ll do the rest ♪

♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪

♪ What would you prefer? ♪

♪ Would you like to fight For civil rights or tweet a racial slur? ♪

♪ Be happy, be horny Be bursting with rage ♪

♪ We got a million different ways To engage ♪

♪ Welcome to the Internet ♪

♪ Put your cares aside ♪

♪ Here’s a tip for straining pasta Here’s a nine-year-old who died ♪

♪ We got movies and doctors And fantasy sports ♪

♪ And a bunch of colored-pencil drawings Of all the characters in Harry Potter ♪

♪ Fucking each other Welcome to the Internet ♪

♪ Hold on to your socks ♪

♪ ‘Cause a random guy just kindly sent you Photos of his cock ♪

♪ They are grainy and off-putting He just sent you more ♪

♪ Don’t act surprised You know you like it, you whore ♪

♪ See a man beheaded Get offended, see a shrink ♪

♪ Show us pictures of your children Tell us every thought you think ♪

♪ Start a rumor, buy a broom Or send a death threat to a boomer ♪

♪ Or DM a girl and groom her Do a Zoom or find a tumor ♪

♪ And here’s a healthy breakfast option You should kill your mom ♪

♪ Here’s why women never fuck you Here’s how you can build a bomb ♪

♪ Which Power Ranger are you? Take this quirky quiz ♪

♪ Obama sent the immigrants To vaccinate your kids ♪

♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪

♪ A little bit of everything All of the time ♪

♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪

♪ Anything and everything All of the time ♪

♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪

♪ A little bit of everything All of the time ♪

♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪

♪ Anything and everything All of the time ♪

You know, it wasn’t always like this.

♪ Not very long ago ♪

♪ Just before your time ♪

♪ Right before the towers fell ♪

♪ Circa ’99 ♪

♪ This was catalogues ♪

♪ Travel blogs ♪

♪ A chat room or two ♪

♪ We set our sights and spent our nights ♪

♪ Waiting ♪

♪ For you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ Insatiable you ♪

♪ Mommy let you use her iPad ♪

♪ You were barely two ♪

♪ And it did all the things ♪

♪ We designed it to do ♪

♪ Now look at you ♪

Oh.

♪ Look at you ♪

♪ You, you ♪

♪ Unstoppable, watchable ♪

♪ Your time is now ♪

♪ Your inside’s out ♪

♪ Honey, how you grew ♪

♪ And if we stick together ♪

♪ Who knows what we’ll do ♪

♪ It was always the plan ♪

♪ To put the world in your hand ♪

♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪

♪ A bit of everything all of the time ♪

♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪

♪ Anything and everything All of the time ♪

♪ Could I interest you in everything All of the time? ♪

♪ A little bit of everything All of the time ♪

♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪

♪ Anything and everything And anything and everything ♪

♪ And anything and everything All of the time ♪

I’ve been freaking out for a long time, thinking I’m never gonna finish this special and be working on it forever.

And recently, I’ve been feeling like, “Oh, man, maybe I am getting close to done with this.”

“Maybe I’m gonna finish it after all.” And that has made me completely freak out because if I finish this special, that means that I have to, um, not work on it anymore.

And that means I have to just live my life, and so I’m not gonna do that, and I’m gonna not finish the special.

I’m gonna work on it forever, I think.

So, yeah, I’m gonna work on this forever, and I’m never gonna release it. I’m not talking to anybody now.

I’m just talking to myself.

So, yeah, who fucking cares?

Fuck you, and goodbye, and let’s keep going.

♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪

♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪

♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪

♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪

♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪

♪ You did it! ♪

♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪

♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪

♪ Jeffrey Bezos ♪

♪ Congratulations! ♪

Man, you guys are a great crowd.

Give it up for yourselves for coming out, by the way, tonight. Give it up.

Supporting live comedy in these weird times.

Um, it’s crazy. Um…

These are some pretty crazy times, but it’s nice during these crazy times that we can get together. We can laugh.

You know? Um…

I’ve learned something over this last year, which is pretty funny.

Um, I’ve learned that real-world human-to-human tactile contact will kill you, and that all human interaction, whether it be social, political, spiritual, sexual, or interpersonal should be contained in the much more safe, much more real interior digital space.

That the outside world, the non-digital world, is merely a theatrical space in which one stages and records content for the much more real, much more vital digital space.

One should only engage with the outside world as one engages with a coal mine.

Suit up, gather what is needed, and return to the surface.

Um…

And is it just me, or do pirates need to take a little bit better care of their fuckin’ maps?

You know, when I find a pirate’s map, it’s… it’s always tea-stained, and the edges are burnt, and it’s like if you’re a pirate, all right, and you’re gonna make this map and expect me to carry it around the globe as I search for your treasure, then laminate it.

I can’t really, uh, play the guitar very well, um, or sing, so…

You know, apologies.

♪ Stunning 8K resolution meditation app ♪

♪ In honor of the revolution ♪

♪ It’s half-off at the Gap ♪

♪ Deadpool, self-awareness ♪

♪ Loving parents, harmless fun ♪

♪ The backlash to the backlash ♪

♪ To the thing that’s just begun ♪

♪ There it is ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ That funny feeling ♪

♪ That funny feeling ♪

♪ There it is ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ That funny feeling ♪

♪ That funny feeling ♪

♪ The surgeon general’s pop-up shop ♪

♪ Robert Iger’s face ♪

♪ Discount Etsy agitprop ♪

♪ Bugle’s take on race ♪

♪ Female Colonel Sanders ♪

♪ Easy answers, civil war ♪

♪ The whole world at your fingertips ♪

♪ The ocean at your door ♪

♪ The live-action Lion King ♪

♪ The Pepsi halftime show ♪

♪ Twenty thousand years of this ♪

♪ Seven more to go ♪

♪ Carpool Karaoke ♪

♪ Steve Aoki, Logan Paul ♪

♪ A gift shop at the gun range ♪

♪ A mass shooting at the mall ♪

♪ There it is ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ That funny feeling ♪

♪ That funny feeling ♪

♪ There it is ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ That funny feeling ♪

♪ That funny feeling ♪

♪ Reading Pornhub’s terms of service ♪

♪ Going for a drive ♪

♪ And obeying all the traffic laws ♪

♪ In Grand Theft Auto 5 ♪

♪ Full agoraphobic ♪

♪ Losing focus, cover blown ♪

♪ A book on getting better ♪

♪ Hand-delivered by a drone ♪

♪ Total disassociation ♪

♪ Fully out your mind ♪

♪ Googling “derealization” ♪

♪ Hating what you find ♪

♪ That unapparent summer air ♪

♪ In early fall ♪

♪ The quiet comprehending ♪

♪ Of the ending of it all ♪

♪ There it is ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ That funny feeling ♪

♪ That funny feeling ♪

♪ There it is ♪

♪ Again ♪

♪ That funny feeling ♪

♪ That funny feeling ♪

♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪

♪ We were overdue ♪

♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪

♪ You wait ♪

♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪

♪ We were overdue ♪

♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪

♪ Just wait ♪

♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪

♪ We were overdue ♪

♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪

♪ You wait ♪

♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪

♪ We were overdue ♪

♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪

♪ You wait ♪

♪ Hey, what can ya say? ♪

♪ We were overdue ♪

♪ But it’ll be over soon ♪

♪ You wait ♪

So, I–

Jesus.

So I’ve been working on this, uh, special for… a year now.

It–

Fucking…

So I’ve been working on this special for, um, a year now, which is, um, a lot longer than I anticipated working on it.

When I started…

So I’ve been working on–

I fucking… I can’t. I fucking… Fucking… I am… not… um, well.

Thank you, guys. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

You guys have been incredible. Thank you.

I couldn’t have done this without you guys.

I couldn’t, really. I…

This last year has been…

You know, there have been times that, um…

But just knowing you’re here, you know, feeling you here with me.

Um… Yeah, thank you.

You know, I hate to ask because, uh, you’ve given me so much.

But…

I need you to do one more thing for me.

Can you do that?

♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪

♪ Get on out of your seats ♪

♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪

♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪

♪ Get on out of your seats ♪

♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪

♪ Are you feeling nervous? ♪

♪ Are you having fun? ♪

♪ It’s almost over ♪

♪ It’s just begun ♪

♪ Don’t overthink this ♪

♪ Look in my eye ♪

♪ Don’t be scared, don’t be shy ♪

♪ Come on in, the water’s fine ♪

♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪

♪ Everybody knows ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪

♪ Everybody knows ♪

♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪

♪ Get on out of your seat ♪

♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪

♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪

♪ Get on out of your seat ♪

♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me, yeah ♪

♪ Hands down ♪

♪ Pray for me ♪

♪ Heads down now ♪

♪ Pray for me ♪

♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪

♪ Get on out of your seat ♪

♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪

You want to hear a funny story?

So, uh, five years ago, I quit performing live comedy, because I was beginning to have, uh, severe panic attacks while on stage, which is not a great place to have them.

So, I… I quit.

And I didn’t perform for five years, and I spent that time… trying to improve myself mentally.

And you know what?

I did!

I got better.

I got so much better, in fact, that in January of 2020, I thought, “You know what, I should… start performing again.”

“I’ve been hiding from the world, and I need to… reenter.”

And then… the funniest thing happened.

♪ Are you feeling nervous? ♪

♪ Are you having fun? ♪

♪ It’s almost over ♪

♪ It’s just begun ♪

♪ Don’t overthink this ♪

♪ Look in my eye ♪

♪ Don’t be scared, don’t be shy ♪

♪ Come on in, the water’s fine ♪

♪ You say the ocean’s rising ♪

♪ Like I give a shit ♪

♪ You say the whole world’s ending ♪

♪ Honey, it already did ♪

♪ You’re not gonna slow it ♪

♪ Heaven knows you tried ♪

♪ Got it? Good. Now get inside ♪

♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪

♪ Everybody knows ♪

♪ Everybody knows ♪

♪ We’re going to go Where everybody knows ♪

♪ Everybody knows ♪

♪ Come on, get your fuckin’ hands up ♪

♪ Get on out of your seat ♪

♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪

♪ Come on, get your fuckin’ hands up ♪

♪ Get on out of your seat ♪

♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me, yeah ♪

♪ Hands down ♪

♪ Pray for me ♪

♪ Heads down now ♪

♪ Pray for me ♪

♪ I said, get your fuckin’ hands up… ♪

Get up. Get up.

I’m talking to you, get the fuck up!

♪ Get your fuckin’ hands up ♪

♪ Get on out of your seat ♪

♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪

♪ Hey, now get your fuckin’ hands up ♪

♪ Get on out of your seat ♪

♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me, yeah ♪

♪ Come on, hands down ♪

♪ Pray for me ♪

♪ Heads down now ♪

♪ Pray for me ♪

♪ I said get your fuckin’ hands up ♪

♪ Get– ♪

♪ All eyes on me All eyes on me ♪

Hi.

Welcome to, uh, whatever this is, um…

I think– I think I’m… I’m done.

Um, possible… uh, ending song that is not finished yet.

Test.

Take one.

♪ So long ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

♪ I’ll see you when I see you ♪

♪ You can pick the street ♪

♪ I’ll meet you on the other side ♪

♪ So long ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

♪ Do I really have to finish? ♪

♪ Do returns always diminish? ♪

♪ Did I say that right? ♪

♪ Does anybody want To joke when no one’s ♪

♪ Laughing in the background? ♪

♪ So this is how it ends ♪

♪ I promise ♪

♪ To never go outside again ♪

♪ So long ♪

♪ Bye ♪

♪ I’m slowly losing power ♪

♪ Has it only been an hour? ♪

♪No, that can’t be right ♪

♪ So long ♪

♪ Goodbye ♪

♪ Hey, here’s a fun idea ♪

♪ How about I sit on the couch ♪

♪ And I watch you next time ♪

♪ I wanna hear you tell ♪

♪ A joke when no one’s ♪

♪ Laughing in the background ♪

♪ So this is how it ends ♪

♪ I promise ♪

♪ To never go outside again ♪

♪ Am I going crazy? ♪

♪ Would I even know? ♪

♪ Am I right back where I started Fourteen years ago? ♪

♪ Wanna guess the ending? ♪

♪ If it ever does ♪

♪ I swear to God That all I’ve ever wanted ♪

♪ Was a little bit of everything ♪

♪ All of the time ♪

♪ A bit of everything all of the time ♪

♪ Apathy’s a tragedy And boredom is a crime ♪

♪ I’m finished playing And I’m staying inside ♪

♪ If I wake up in a house That’s full of smoke ♪

♪ I’ll panic So call me up and tell me a joke ♪

♪ When I’m fully irrelevant And totally broken, damn it ♪

♪ Call me up and tell me a joke ♪

♪ Oh shit ♪

♪ You’re really joking At a time like this ♪

♪ Well, well ♪

♪ Look who’s inside again ♪

♪ Went out to look ♪

♪ For a reason to hide again ♪

♪ Well, well ♪

♪ Buddy, you found it ♪

♪ Now come out with your hands up ♪

♪ We’ve got you surrounded ♪

♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪

♪ Any day now ♪

♪ Any day now ♪

♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪

♪ Any day now ♪

♪ Any day now ♪

♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪

♪ Any day now ♪

♪ Any day now ♪

♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪

♪ Any day now ♪

♪ Any day now ♪

♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪

♪ Any day now ♪

♪ Any day now ♪

♪ It’ll stop any day now ♪

♪ Any day now ♪