Rick and Morty – S05E01 – Mort Dinner Rick Andre [Transcript]

Episode aired June 20, 2021

Rick and Morty are about to die crashing their spaceship, so Morty calls Jessica, confessing his true feelings for her. Not knowing of his imminent death, Jessica asks if she can come over to watch a movie. Motivated by this, Morty does not crash the ship, instead landing it in the ocean. Rick, furious, reveals he has been in a long-time war with his nemesis, Mr. Nimbus. Nimbus appears, and demands to meet Rick for dinner at Rick’s house to negotiate a treaty. In preparation, Rick has Morty throw bottles of wine into a void where time moves faster so as to age it. Jessica comes over and requests wine, so Morty enters the void to get it. The man inside, Hoovy, is helpful to him, but upon returning finds his wife dead. His son blames him but Hoovy tells him that Morty did this. Throughout the years, Hoovy’s son, grandson, and onward prepare for Morty’s return so they can kill him. They take Jessica, so Morty goes after her. They trick and trap him, but Morty escapes with Jessica, with the help of Rick and Nimbus, who forgives his enemy, noting that they are nothing without the other. When they return, Jessica shares her new understanding of time and leaves. Meanwhile, Nimbus offers Jerry and Beth a threesome.

* * *

C’mon, Rick. We’re — We’re almost there.

Ugh, leave me, Morty. It’s the only way. Wha– Were — Wha– Were we — Were we Blades in that one? That’s [bleep] tight.

Just stay with me. [Creature roars]

I’m — I’m scared, Morty. I can see the end. I’m a silly man. I’m a silly small man. I’m — I’m sorry I got you into this.

Then how about I get us outta this?

[Alarm blaring]

Hello?

Hey, Jessica. I-It’s Morty. From school.

Oh, hey, Morty. What’s up?

Um, I just want to say that you’re really great. I know the timing never really worked out with us, but you’re really great and I wish I got to know you better.

Oh, I mean — That’s a lot.

Oh, uh, yeah, sorry, I guess I just —

No, I just wish you said it sooner.

Wh-What?

Yeah, I mean, being nervous is sort of selfish sometimes, y’know?

Life support systems failing.

Yeah, that’s a great point.

Well, what are you doing tonight?

Tonight? Yeah.

Do you, like, want to watch a movie or something?

Um, yeah. Tonight. Sounds great.

Holy sh*t! Holy sh*t!

Come on, come on!

[Groans] Oh. Where are we?

We’re home, Rick. I-I landed us in the ocean.

The ocean?! The ocean on Earth?!

Uh, yeah, I-I guess so.

Oh sh*t. Holy sh*t. We have to go. We have to go right [bleep] now.

What?

You touched the ocean, Morty.

What’s the big —

Oh sh*t sh*t.

What?

Richard! You have desecrated the sacred treaty betwixt land and sea. Now face the wrath of your once and eternal foe — Mr. Nimbus!

Sorry. Who is that?

My nemesis.

What?

My f*cking nemesis, okay?

Okay, but what was his name again?

I am Mr. Nimbus!

He’s gonna say that a lot.

---

♪♪

♪♪

[Electricity crackles]

W-Wait, so who is coming over again?

He said his nemesis?

Rick has a nemesis?

I guess.

Has he mentioned him before?

I-I was gonna ask you. First I’m hearing it.

Who is he? Like a magic guy? Rick’s science and he’s magic?

He’s like a-a fish?

A fish.

He’s not a fish. He’s Mr. Nimbus. He’s king of the ocean and he’s a piece of sh*t. Are you happy, Morty? Are you happy you touched the ocean? He’s gonna be here any minute. Just help me smooth this over or this guy’s gonna become more trouble than he’s worth.

Um, hey, I don’t know how much I can help out tonight, Rick. Jessica’s coming over j-just to, like, watch a movie or something, but y’know, t-t-that’s a good step. That’s a solid step to something, y’know?

Truly nobody cares about your [bleep] Morty. The sooner you learn that, the better.

I think you just don’t want me happy ’cause then I’ll stop doing your crazy chores.

Trust me, after that ocean [bleep]up, you don’t get to do anything crazy. While I bull[bleep] my way through this peace summit treaty with Nimbus, Summer is gonna dive into the Marianas Trench to recover the forbidden shell that gives him his power because Summer can be trusted.

Let’s lick [bleep]

Okay, what?

I don’t love that.

Of course you don’t, ’cause you guys aren’t getting any.

[Scoffs] Actually, your father and I have been very sex-positive lately.

Eww.

Dr. Wong suggested we experiment.

We’ve been watching pornography. Together.

Gross!

I might never come back from the ocean.

Oh, you’ll have to tone it down, babe. The squares can’t handle it.

[Purrs]

There are suicide capsules in all of your teeth. Do what you want with that. C’mon, Morty. You’re on booze duty. Okay, Nimbus only drinks the good [bleep] So just toss this whale-ass ocean-wine in here and age it up a few centuries.

So time moves faster in there? I-I-Is it like a Narnia thing?

I’m not a beaver who believes in Jesus Christ, Morty. But yeah, it’s pretty much a Narnia thing.

Okay, but Jessica —

All you have to do is bring wine, Morty. When do I ask you for anything?

When do you — I haven’t been to a full week of school in years! I don’t know sh*t! And for what? How many enemies do you have to have? Why is everything a fight with you?

You might want to learn this early, Morty. Life is a fight.

With Mr. Nimbus?

Are you makin’ fun of me? Mr. Nimbus is an ice-cold dick killer, Morty.

[Horn blows]

Okay, let’s go. That’s his magic ocean horn.

Is that Mr. Nimbus?

Nimbus.

Richard. You look like ass.

Let’s get this over with.

I’m sorry. This is the guy?

Jerry.

Hold on. No. I’ve seen you [bleep] a planet, and this is the guy you’re afraid of?

I like this one, Rick. He is unbroken. Untamed. Perhaps he could use a firmer grip upon his leash.

Okay, that’s enough. I’m calling the police.

Go ahead.

Jerry.

I will!

Good. I control them.

Excuse me?

He controls police, Jerry.

Right, that tracks. In Dumb World. Police? A strange horny ocean man is on my lawn. Well, I don’t see how that’s relevant, but we’re white.

[Sirens wail, tires screech]

Freeze! Freeze! Freeze! Freeze!

Fight.

[All grunting]

F*ck.

[All moaning]

Flee.

Officer: Let’s get outta here.

[Sirens wail, tires squeal]

Shall we, Richard?

Okay, but how did he —

Jesus Christ, Jerry. He’s Mr. Nimbus. He controls the police!

Um, hello? Am I in the right place? I just saw a bunch of cops having sex with each other?

Hi! Jessica! Hi! Yeah, yup, y-you’re in the right spot. Uh, everyone, th-this is Jessica. This is everybody. Uh, this is —

I am Mr. Nimbus.

Jesus, Nimbus, just get inside. Morty, grab the wine.

Yeah, in a minute. C-C’mon, Jessica.

Stand aside. Unless you are worthy of Nimbus.

[Scoffs] If that means what I think it means, I’ll have you know, we watch porn together.

Oh!

Ooh!

Wow, okay! Looks like you guys just got the nod.

The nod?

Mr. Nimbus has a sense for these things. I take it you’re a sex-positive couple?

Oh, yeah. Very much so.

We watch porn together. Great!

I’ll mark you down as eligible for a threeway. Here’s all the information you’ll need.

The king of the ocean wants to have a threesome with us?

Totally optional. But a remarkable option to have, I assure you. Very jealous. There’s a form on the last page so we know where to send the gift basket.

So that just happened.

You don’t sound upset about it.

Neither do you.

Oh, my God. Is this happening? To us? I thought this only happened in New York or on HBO.

Dr. Wong hasn’t been wrong yet.

You’re right. This is exactly what she was talking about.

So, uh, yeah. J-Just make yourself comfortable. Y’know, ch-choose a movie or — or we can watch some interdimensional cable if you want.

We now return to “Nintendo 69.” Nintendo, oh, what are you doing to me? Oh, Nintendo, oh, Nin–

Or we can watch whatever, y’know. Wh-Whatever you’re into.

Morty, did I hear you’re getting wine?

Yeah, I gotta get some wine for Mr. Nimbus.

Got any extra?

Oh. Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I’ll go get some, just for you.

Cool. Hurry back.

Looks like you could use a hand.

Oh, hey! Yeah, th-th-that’d be great.

No problem.

Hoovy? Dinner’s ready!

Be right there, sugar hoof! Just helping this young man through a portal with that crate full of alcohol that’s been here for decades.

Hey, thanks, Hoovy. I-I really appreciate that. I-I got a girl over, and I really, really like her. I-I’m just nervous. Oh, I know that feeling. When I first started seeing Bova, I could only think about all the ways I was gonna mess it up.

So what’d you do?

Oh, I messed it up. [Chuckles] But I found the one who loves me for that.

Thanks. I-I really needed to hear that. Here, t-take one of these.

Oh, you don’t have to.

No, I-I want to. You have a good day, Hoovy.

You have a great time with that lady up there. Just relax.

Will do!

[Thunder rumbles]

Bova?

[Gasps]

Why did you leave us, Father?

Japheth? When were you born?

[Grunts]

I swore to Mother if I ever met you, I’d avenge her.

It wasn’t my fault.

Whose, then? Whose?!

The boy from the magic door.

[Thunder rumbles]

---

Shall we discuss terms?

Yeah, fine. Whatever. Terms.

Term number one — I am King of the Ocean.

The place I sh*t? Go ahead.

Term number two — Stop sh*tting in the ocean.

No idea [burps] what you’re talking about.

Delicious. Another.

Oh, uh, well, I-I was thinking of using this one for —

Morty, just give him the bottle. God damn.

Another!

Morty, you get the wine?

Hey, Jessica. Um, yeah, sorry. I just — just going back to get it.

Oh. I thought you already went.

I did! I just — just got a little busy. Going right now, again! You go ahead and fire up that movie!

That’s okay. I’ll wait for you.

Holy sh*t, holy sh*t, holy sh*t, holy sh*t!

♪♪

I’ve been waiting for you.

Oh, wow. Hoovy, right?

Never say his name! [Grunts]

Jesus Christ! Why — Why is every old guy super jacked?

[Grunts] Sorry! I’m sorry! I-I just need the wine! I’m sorry! Stop it!

[Bleep] kill you!

Ow! Okay, screw this!

[Groans]

You know what?

You!

Yeah [bleep] you, Hoovy!

[Groans] Father?

It’s him! I told you he’d come back!

Holy shit.

Okay, look, he wasn’t old like 10 seconds ago.

[Grunts]

Ow! Motherf*cker!

[Groans]

I’m sorry, Father. I’m sorry we never believed.

He’ll come back. Stop him. Stop him.

♪♪

♪♪

Papa, why do we guard the gate?

Because one day, the dark child shall return. And we will be ready.

[Thunder rumbles]

---

Delicious. Where is your wine boy, Richard? I thirst.

He’s getting it. Stop eating beignets like that.

Participant voids all liability in the event of death by orgasm?

Are we really ready to open things this wide? What if it gets weird? What if I fall in love with him?

No, no, no, no, no. Damn it!

What was that? Another scheme of yours, Richard? I know you’re planning something.

It’s nothing. Will you excuse me, please?

What the f*ck is going on? Where’s the wine?

Dad was horny and I dropped it.

God, I can’t — I can’t believe you’re f*cking this up.

I’m not f*cking it up! There was a guy in the thing and —

There’s always a guy in a thing!

Nimbus: Land dwellers do not keep Nimbus waiting and live.

Be right out! Goddammit. Do you see this whisper kitchen “Frasier” bullsh*t you’re making me do? Morty, just get the wine. Beth and Jerry, stop trying to fuck Nimbus.

Well, we wouldn’t do it here. I’ll have you know he propositioned us.

He propositions everybody!

Hey, hey, hey, Jessica. W-What’s up?

Seems like you’re busy.

No, no, no! I ran into a little trouble. But — But — But I’ll go get that wine right now.

But you said were going to get it like twice already.

I-I-I was and I-I’m getting it right now.

---

[Grunts] Holy sh*t it’s him!

[Trumpet blows]

God damn it! What do you want me to say?! I-I’m sorry!

♪♪

[Cheering]

We finally beat him. But let’s always remain vigilant because you never know. He might be back one day.

Okay, Narnia! Let’s go. Let’s f*cking go!

It is over. The boy is not coming back.

He always comes back.

You have wasted our lives, our very futures, on a fantasy! A lie!

I know what I saw.

You saw nothing!

You are a foolish boy!

♪♪

Those called fools are the only ones brave enough to see the truth.

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts] [All gasp]

♪♪

[Grunting]

[Grunts]

[Groans]

Tell me, Father. Am I a fool now?

[Grunts]

♪♪

[Groans]

I was born in the pits that made these stones. I lost my years building a temple to a lie. So I made lies my power. And what is power but a lie we —

Aah!

Oh sh*t he’s real! He’s real! I was wrong! I was so wrong! God is real!

[Gunfire, screaming]

♪♪

♪♪

Wow. Impeccable service. Big tip.

I liked your other one more. What was his name? Kyle?

What?

Nothing. Can we just sign this thing and go?

Jessica, I-I’m so sorry.

I mean, it’s fine.

You were only gone like a couple minutes. Morty, are you okay?

I’m — I’m sorry, Jessica. We just never seem to get it right, do we?

No, I guess we don’t. [Chuckles] But I’m glad you called me. Maybe we can start over, get it right this time.

Yeah. I’d — I’d like that.

♪♪

Thanks for bringing the wine.

Totally worth it.

Do we need an opener?

Oh. I’ll — I’ll — I’ll go get it.

Nimbus: Mmm. I do so love to sign upon the dotted line. Shall we?

Jesus Christ, yes.

And who is your witness? My witness is the squid.

Really proud of this SeaWorld theme, aren’t you?

Hey, just get a witness, man. Don’t make this about me.

Or perhaps Richard has no one with whom he can trust his life. Who truly knows him. Save me.

Fine! I’ll get someone. Oh, my God. Morty! Come here. I need you for some bullsh*t.

Look, Rick, I’ve done everything you’ve asked. Now can I just have some time with my girlfriend?

Your girlfriend?

I mean, she’s not — we kissed, but I’m just trying to take it slow. You gotta give these things time to breathe, y’know?

♪♪

Do you know why you’re special, Adam?

Because I am The Traveler?

Yes. You will be the one to pass through the door. You will be the one to end our pain.

But, Mother, what about my pain?

Your pain shall set us free. It is time to begin.

[Warbling]

[Grunting]

Again.

[Grunting]

Again!

[Grunting]

You are not ready.

Please, Mother —

Do you think he will show you mercy? Like he did to us? Again!

♪♪

♪♪

[Grunts]

[Gasps]

Does anyone need anything?

Does Nimbus need anything?

Holy sh*t!

Don’t judge. We’re growing as a couple!

Aah! Why is this happening to me?!

For the future!

♪♪

You dare assassinate Nimbus?

Sorry. Wait. Who — Who is that?

Get in line, pal!

[Grunts] [Screams]

♪♪

Such a waste.

M-Mother?

[Screeches]

Aah!

[Screams]

Jessica!

You just had to touch the ocean.

Aaah! Shut up! There isn’t time to — It’s all f*cked and you f*cked it!

[Screaming]

Huh?

You’re early.

W-What is this place?

The end. But also a beginning. Isn’t every end a beginning?

Stay back! I don’t want your stripped down Sundance sci-fi bullsh*t. Where’s Jessica?

Jessica. That was her name, wasn’t it? Thank you, Morty. I had forgotten. Oh, right. You’ll be needing this. For the wine.

♪♪

[Grunts]

Oh sh*t, we got him!

Can you believe he bought that f*cking tree bullsh*t?

We f*cking got him!

Very well. If you seek war with Atlantis, you shall have it.

Oh, I’ve already been to war with Atlantis when I D-Day’d that Mermaid p*ssy.

I knew that was you! Prepare my exit parade! Say goodbye to your precious dry land! For soon it will be wet! Wet!

Yeah, global warming is already doing that, asshole. But sure, yeah, go for it. Make us slightly more wet!

Am I a joke to you?

Yes, you are a f*cking joke! You f*cking suck! You’ve always sucked! Y-Y-Y know why we haven’t fought in years? ‘Cause you’re an embarrassment to me and I don’t need you anymore. I don’t need anybody. All I do is eat sh*t and 69 Nintendos, bro.

Every day. Or maybe you hate me because I am the only man to see how far you have fallen. I used to fear you. Respect you. Now all that’s left is pity — for a sad, drunk shell of a man too afraid to see how alone he truly is. If Diane were alive today, what would she think —

Don’t f*cking establish canonical backstory with me, you Red Lob–

---

[Gasps]

Oh, good. You’re awake.

I just took some wine! I said I was sorry. What the f*ck is wrong with you people?!

I have been asking that for centuries. I was created to study you, Morty, to know you. But the closer I looked, the more I do not recognize myself.

Uh, yeah, man, I really don’t have time for —

I have often wondered who would we be without you, Morty? Are we anything beyond our hatred? And when she came, I thought she would be the answer. Frozen in time. Forever asleep. We could not understand her purpose, so we hid her away. Why do we always hide the truths we fear?

[Groans]

I don’t give a sh*t nerd!

Let her go!

Why — Why did I clone myself genitals?

Ow!

I don’t care, bitch! Do it!

Ooh! Asshole!

Yeah, guess I am an asshole! Y’know, sometimes you gotta be an asshole! My grandpa taught me that!

Okay, okay, okay, fine!

[Groans]

♪♪

Morty?

Hey, Jessica. Wow. Must’ve been some nap, huh? I-Is that ooze or — I’m not sure what to call it. It l-l-looks like ooze. Okay. W-We can catch up later.

♪♪

[Screeches]

What the —

[Gasps]

Rick! Rick!

…obster motherf*cker

Morty: Rick!

Screw this. What am I even doing?

Help!

Where are you? Come back here. I’m going to make the land wet!

Y’know what, I’d love to see it. Do it! God, do anything! Just don’t use me as an excuse anymore!

Rick!

Wow. That was intense. You look stressed.

We signed the paperwork.

I must go.

Well, your people have our number!

Your starfish mentioned some kind of basket?

Jesus, Morty.

Stop! No, no! Not today!

Can’t you go one day without —

You don’t get to —

What the — I f*cked it up, okay?

It’s okay, Morty. That’s what you do. Now lemme Deus Ex Machina this sh*t and let’s go home.

♪♪

God, why does everyone go Cyber-Punk Bird? So f*cking hack.

♪♪

Oh sh*t. Well, that’s cool.

♪♪

Okay, we might be a little f*cked.

[Horn blows]

Did you think I would let you die alone, Richard?

[Grunting]

♪♪

♪♪

I am Mr. Nimbus!

♪♪

Wow. Phew. You — You still got time for that movie?

Yes. Time. I had nothing but time. Endless time. At first, it was madness. Then enlightenment. Then madness again. But perhaps it was a gift. I could see the life of time. And as I watched the life of time in all its fleeting, terrible light, I wondered, had I lived? Was I just the object in another’s story? Was that all I ever was? Could I be more? I had nothing but time and still no answer. Time without purpose is a prison. I have glimpsed into the mind of eternity. Perhaps the mind of God. And found nothing but silence. I think we should just be friends.

Oh, yeah. I-I-I get that. Guess we missed our moment.

Yes. But there will be more. For both of us. Goodbye, Morty.

Hey, how’s it going?

F*ck off! I’m a Time-god!

Fighting by your side again, Richard. It was, uh —

Yeah.

Then there is no treaty. Because there is no war.

Aw, Nimbus. That’s — That’s really chill of you, man.

Richard. Before you were my greatest enemy, you were my only friend.

Grandpa, I got the shell!

Sh*t! Okay, Nimbus, look.

You son of a bitch! Betrayal!

My weapons, Morty!

I-I-I used them all!

Grandpa! Wait, Grandpa, what do I do? I have the shell. Should I blow it? Is that — I’m — I’m just gonna blow it!

Don’t blow it! Destroy the horn!

What the hell, Summer?!

You were supposed to destroy the horn!

How was I supposed to know that?

[Groans]

[Siren wails] Nimbus: Police! Take this piece of sh*t to jail.

I told, ugh, I told you. He’s an ice-cold dick killer!

Nimbus!

[Tires squeal]

Wait. So how can he —

Jesus, Summer. He’s Mr. Nimbus. He controls the police!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Jer, I think more than one safe word sort of defeats the point.

I know, I just wanna make sure we have every opportunity to stop. Super excited about it though.

Me too, so excited. Jerry, are we doing this because we both want this? Or because it’s what we think the other one wants?

I just wanted to prove that I love you so much I would do this for you!

Same! Let’s take that prize and get out before we make a huge mistake.

Getting cold feet?

No. Please don’t tell Rick.

He wouldn’t understand.

Yes, he would.