Prison Heat: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver – Transcript

John Oliver explains how the failure to air-condition prisons can cause both physical and mental health issues for incarcerated people, and why the solution is simpler than you might think.
Prison Heat: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
Season 8 Episode 15
Aired on June 13, 2021

Main segment: Effect of climate in prisons
Other segments: 2021 New York City mayoral election, local car commercials

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John: Hi there! Welcome to the show, still coming to you from this blank void. Entertainment’s most upsetting bastion of whiteness, not counting the Hollywood foreign press association. It’s been another busy week. Biden met with G7 leaders, Jeff Bezos announced he’ll be heading to space on the world’s first circumcised spacecraft, and an internet conspiracy about people becoming magnetic after getting vaccinated turned up at the Ohio Statehouse:

We were talking about dr. Tenpenny’s testimony about magnetic vaccine crystals. So this is what I found out. So I have a key and a bobby pin here. Explain to me why the key sticks to me. It sticks to my neck too. Yeah, so if somebody can explain this, that would be great.

John: Um, sure, I can try to explain what this is — very basically, public education is horribly underfunded and scientific literacy is nowhere near what it should be in this country, creating a vacuum of trust in legitimate research. Meanwhile, people tend to seek out the minimum amount of information that lets them keep believing what they already believe — in your case, that you’re privy to secret knowledge about a government conspiracy to magnetize the people of Ohio. All of that is probably why you felt confident enough to trust some bullshit you read online so much you were willing to look like a complete asshole in front of all these people. Oh, and if you just meant the key thing — people are sometimes sticky. We’re all kind of moist and gross and keys stick to us sometimes. That’s it. Meanwhile, in New York, the news has been dominated by the race for mayor. Early voting in the primaries started yesterday, and for the first time, the city’s using ranked choice voting — something the current mayor chose to explain by imagining a pizza-topping election:

Green peppers, ladies and gentlemen, right here, my number one choice. Now, a lot of people don’t appreciate green peppers enough. Number two: olives, okay? This one’s a little controversial. Usually it’s black olives, could be green olives, some people think olives belong on a pizza, some people are really against it, but I have had very good experiences with olives.

John: That is unhinged. Green peppers as your number one choice? Green peppers aren’t even my number one pepper. They’re just unripe red ones. There isn’t even a green pepper character in the “veggietales” universe, because they disprove the existence of a loving god. And your second choice is olives? On a pizza? That you plan to eat with your actual mouth? Unacceptable, bill! The race for the democratic nominee is very much in flux. Maya Wiley has been shoring up progressive support, while a consistent frontrunner, former police officer Eric Adams, had to defend himself this week from a pretty unusual attack.

Democrat Eric Adams, a leading contender in New York city’s mayoral race, today insisting he really does live in New York.

This is our small, humble kitchen.

Taking reporters on a tour of his Brooklyn pad after a politico piece raised questions about whether other tenants were really living in the apartment, if Adams is spending his time at a property he owns with his partner in New Jersey, or if his home is actually his office.

John: Yeah. Eric Adams had to give reporters a tour of a Brooklyn apartment to prove he lived there and not in New Jersey. Which already doesn’t look good, partly because he attacked Andrew Yang for leaving the city during the pandemic and partly because his argument that he lives in that basement apartment raises many more questions than it answers. Twitter detectives flagged inconsistencies — like the fact that, in 2017, Adams tweeted a photograph of his #plantbased fridge in #bedstuy. But on this week’s tour, that plant-based fridge was nowhere to be found. Because this was the fridge in the apartment, which you might notice prominently features salmon, something Adams claims belongs to his son, who lives there with him. Although everything about that apartment — from the décor to the fridge — suggests it’s actually his son who lives there and Adams who might occasionally stay with him. And look, is this the most important thing? No, not really. But it is weird, and the way he’s choosing to handle it is even weirder. And the thing is, that’s not even the strangest house tour Adams has given, because as a state senator in 2011, he released this video teaching parents how to search for contraband their kids might be hiding:

A jewelry box of this nature may be a simple jewelry box, but if you look through it closely, you don’t know what your child may be hiding. For instance, a gun could be hidden. A small-caliber weapon could be hidden inside a jewelry box. When your child bring in his popular knapsack with many different locations. Look through it to see what exactly is your child carrying in addition to a book? Something simple as a crack pipe, a used crack pipe. Behind a picture frame you could find bullets. A baby doll — could be just a baby doll but also it could be a place where you could secrete or hide drugs.

John: Honestly, that’s all great, from the bullets behind the picture frame to the “popular knapsack” to the weird music. But I want to focus on the doll. Because what does Eric Adams think a child is? In his scenario, your child is young enough to be playing with baby dolls yet also old enough to be doing drugs. What year of life encompasses both those activities? Six and a half? Maybe? Look, Eric Adams is clearly a very odd man, but he’s not alone in that. One of his closest rivals is Andrew Yang — the answer to the question, “what if the concept of ‘dabbing’ was a person?” — Who, on national pets day, posted, “celebrating our dog, grizzly, who we raised as a puppy but had to give away because one of our boys became allergic to him. Miss you, grizz! #Dogsforyang.” And if you gave away your dog, you can just not post anything on national pets day. Even if you have a dog, you don’t have to post anything. Your dog’s not going to care either way. Dogs don’t know what twitter is. It’s why they’re happy. And other candidates have been fucking up some pretty basic questions.

As the “New York Times” grilled the candidates, some were stumped when asked if they could name the median purchase price of a home in Brooklyn. Ray McGuire, a banking executive, said, “it’s got to be somewhere in the $80,000 to $90,000 range, if not higher.” And Shaun Donovan, former federal housing secretary, he said, “in Brooklyn, huh? I don’t know for sure. I would guess it’s around $100,000.”

John: Well, you guessed wrong, because the number is actually $900,000. Which is a real problem, because if these guys want to run a city with an affordable housing crisis, they might want to look at the top Zillow search result for Brooklyn homes on sale for less than $100,000, which is — and this is true — this empty lot that looks like the setting of a filthy pigeon orgy. But if some candidates have seemed out-of-touch, others have seemed a little too eager to share. When “New York Magazine” asked all the candidates about the items they can’t live without, republican Fernando Mateo offered up, “quilted northern ultra plush toilet paper,” explaining, “I have big, strong hands, so I need toilet paper that won’t break when I’m wiping my butt.” And that’s already great — it’s funny, candid, and he says “wiping my butt.” It’s excellent. But he didn’t stop there. Because he continued, “this has that toughness, but it’s soft enough for my sensitive areas.” So already something that started as a puff piece about favorite products has turned into Mateo forcing you to think about his sensitive anus. And he closes strong, saying, “I’ve used other toilet paper and my hand has ripped right through it. It’s a mess.” I usually wrap the paper around my head a few times just so it doesn’t break.” And come on! Now we’re in an existential tragedy. He’s like Lennie Small or Frankenstein’s monster — a physical behemoth enraptured by the lure of soft beauty, but sadly, these cursed brute hands know only destruction. It’s just magnificent. If Mateo doesn’t get elected mayor, he’d at least make a much better toilet paper spokesman than those weird shitting bears. And look, if you’re thinking, “there sure are a lot of weirdos running for mayor of New York,” yeah, of course there are. Because being a weirdo in this city isn’t a disqualifier, it’s a prerequisite. Think about it: our last three mayors were 9/11 Nosferatu, a billionaire elf, and the goober that you just saw say out loud, “I have had very good experiences with olives.” “Weird” is kind of a job requirement. And while it would be great if candidates could be good at other stuff as well, there’s no denying that the New York mayor’s office isn’t just an opportunity for innovative leadership, it’s also a calling to spend at least four years as the weird person on tv everyone gets mad at for eating pizza wrong. And now this.

* * *

Announcer: And now, someone please stop Stuart Varney I’m saying this.

Come back to the show anytime you like, okay?

It’s my favorite show. I hope to be back soon.

Flattery is the mother’s milk of television.

Flattery is the mother’s milk of television. Don’t you forget it.

Flattery is the mother’s milk of television.

Let me tell you something. Flattery is the mother’s milk of television.

Flattery is the mother’s milk of television.

Flattery is the mother’s milk of television.

The mother’s milk of television. Flattery.

Flattery is the mother’s milk of television.

That’s very good stuff. Flattery is the mother’s milk.

Flattery is the mother’s milk of television.

It’s true though.

* * *

John: Moving on. Our main story tonight concerns the fact that summer’s here! It’s been getting hotter and hotter outside, so we thought, “why not take a break and have some summer fun? We’re allowed to have some summer fun, right?” So tonight, we’re going to talk about popsicles. There are tons of them in America, and when they get too hot, it can be a real problem. Sorry — did I say popsicles? I meant prisons. We’re going to talk about prisons. There are tons of them in America. And when they get too hot, it can be a real problem. Don’t act surprised. You knew no fun was happening here. Do you remember what our “summer fun” episode was this time last year? “Voting by mail.” Don’t be mad at me. Be mad at yourself. You chose to be here. And look, the fact is, heat in prisons is a big problem. We’ve talked repeatedly about the injustices of mass incarceration and how little society seems to care. And a pretty good example of that is the fact that in some of the hottest areas of the country — these states — over half the prisons lack air conditioning in their housing areas. And in Texas, that’s the case in nearly 75% of their prisons. And that is not good, because in summer, the heat index inside of them can hit 150 degrees. Plus, there’s a growing population of older prisoners whose age makes them more susceptible to the heat, and over 40% of incarcerated people have a chronic medical condition, raising their risk of heat stroke. So a lot of them worry about what happens when the weather turns hot.

I have heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes. That’s three conditions that even TDC admits could make a person susceptible to extreme heat conditions. So my heart has to work a whole lot harder than the average guy just to try to cool my body down. And as a result, I suffer from extreme chest pains. On days where it’s extremely hot, I get sick real fast.

John: That is remarkably dangerous. And I’d argue that the only time getting murdered by the heat is acceptable is if you’ve committed the crime of being a lobster. But unless you happen to be a tasty sea weirdo with edible arms and a pile of scrumptious ass meat that pairs beautifully with melted butter, I’m gonna say that that is very wrong. And physical conditions are just one part of this. Prisons also house an increasing number of people with mental health concerns who require medications that can compromise their body’s ability to regulate temperature, so many avoid taking their medications when it’s hot, which may explain why there is an increase in the frequency of suicide watches and self-harm behaviors during the summer months. This situation is so bad, the U.N. Committee against torture has expressed particular concern about deaths from extreme heat exposure in prison facilities in Texas. And while you probably assumed Texas prisons were bad, maybe not “international human rights watch list” bad. And just to get this out of the way: if anyone is thinking, “well, come one, it’s prison, these criminals shouldn’t be comfortable.” First, fuck you. They’re human beings who, I’d argue, deserve humane treatment regardless of what they did. But even if you’re fully on board with our current system of punitive justice on a ridiculous scale, you should know, even some of those upholding this system find the current situation indefensible. Just listen to the former head of one correctional officers union:

You know, I don’t have love for these people. We’re not trying to make this lush and — we’re trying to make it humane. These are third world conditions. We’re supposed to run prisons, not concentration camps. These are institutions for incarceration. The incarceration is their punishment, not — not cooking them to death.

John: Right. And just take a moment to absorb the sentence, “we’re supposed to run prisons, not concentration camps.” If someone helping to run a system is comparing it to a concentration camp, things have gotten way out of hand. If someone said, “we’re supposed to run a Quiznos, not a concentration camp,” you’d seriously question what the fuck is going on at that Quiznos. So tonight, let’s talk about heat in prisons. And let’s start with the obvious question here: if prisons are too hot — which many clearly are — why not put in air conditioning? And that does seem like a pretty easy fix. But whenever it’s brought up, lawmakers and prison officials have claimed they simply can’t afford it. Although, when making that argument, they’ve occasionally been slightly more honest than they were perhaps planning, like when this Texas state senator appeared on local radio.

You know, we can talk about this all day, it’s not gonna change. The prisons are hot. They’re uncomfortable. And the real solution is, don’t commit a crime and you stay at home and be cool. We’re not gonna air condition them. One, we don’t want to. Number two, we couldn’t afford it if we wanted to.

John: Well, hold on there. Let’s back up to number one. Shall we? “We don’t want to.” Because after you say that, it doesn’t really matter what you say next. If people don’t care about fixing a problem, they’re just not going to fix it, however simple the solution is. It’s why your software update still interrupts you every single day. Sure, you could just click on the alert and follow the basic steps to make the updates. But have you done that? Of course not! Why? Because you could not give one single, solitary fuck. And it seems Texas in particular really doesn’t want to put in air conditioning. It actually spent $7 million on a lawsuit to fight installing ac in one prison’s housing area, despite the fact the estimated cost of installation was only around $4 million. And they’ve also thrown some suspiciously high estimates around. They once claimed it would cost $109 million to install ac in a unit for developmentally disabled prisoners, even though the entire housing unit cost just $26 million to build. And look, I admit, I don’t know much about ac installation. If you pointed at a random building and said, “it cost $10,000 to install ac in there,” I’d say, “okay, sure,” and if you pointed at another one and said, “it cost $3 million to install it in there,” I would say, “yeah, makes sense.” But if you pointed at a building and said, “it cost four times the price of that building to install ac in it,” I’d say, “I think you somehow know less about air conditioning than I do.” And that “too expensive” argument gets even harder to take when you consider that, in some prisons, there is climate control, just not for the prisoners. Because some have ac in staff offices. And then there’s this:

Two years ago, prison officials spent more than $700,000 on new climate-controlled housing facilities. For prisoners, no. For the prisons’ in-house pig farms. Officials say the cooling systems are, “consistent with any swine operation.”

John: Look, I’m not against pigs getting treated comfortably. I love pigs — their springy tails, their too-big ears, their stupid flat noses, and their horrible eyes — pigs are like big chubby dogs you can eat at Christmas. I just question prioritizing their comfort over humans’. And the thing is, corrections systems do seem to acknowledge that they do have a problem with heat — it’s just, they often try to treat it with ridiculous half-measures. The Texas prison system even produced this video on what staff should do when they see someone about to pass out from heat exhaustion.

If conscious and alert, have the person drink water or a rehydrating sports drink. Do not give them caffeinated drinks as these will contribute to further dehydration. Sprinkle or spray them with water and apply cool water or wet cloths to the person’s neck, armpits, and groin. Fan the person if there is no breeze.

John: Okay. Flicking water in their face and fanning them with a clipboard is just not going to cut it. And at that point, it makes just as much sense to recommend, “lick the person’s sweat off their forehead,” or “rub them with a DVD of ‘Captain Phillips.'” Sure, it’s technically a gesture, but it’s not going to do much. The problem is, when prisons use things like large fans and water misters, they only help to a certain threshold of heat. Beyond it, they can actually make things worse. Water misters increase humidity, and the CDC has explicitly said it does not recommend the use of fans above a 95-degree heat index, as they actually increase heat stress by blowing air that is warmer than the body’s temperature. And dangerous situations get compounded by the fact that when heat-related issues occur, prisons can show very little urgency in addressing them. Take what happened to Larry McCollum. He was serving an 11-month sentence for cashing a bad check and began showing symptoms of heat stroke, but ems wasn’t called until over 40 minutes after he was found convulsing. When McCollum finally arrived at the hospital, his body temperature was 109 degrees. And he died days later. And when that prison’s warden was questioned about the delay in medical treatment, this was his ridiculous response.

If you re at home and your wife was having a heart attack and you called 911 and it took a half hour for them to arrive, would you have a problem with that?

That’s speculating. I don’t know — I wouldn’t know if she had a heart attack or not.

Okay. I would have a problem with that, just letting you know. Okay? If my wife was having a heart attack and I called 911 and it took a half hour for an ambulance to arrive. You don’t feel comfortable saying that you too would have an issue with that?

I would not. I would have to figure out whether it’s a heart attack or not.

Okay.

Could be just bad chili.

John: What the fuck? First, no one would ever confuse someone having violent convulsions with having bad chili. Second, bad chili has a name, and it’s called hormel. Show some respect to that can of bean nightmares. And finally, guessing your wife’s heart attack might be just “bad chili” is a terrible answer, not only because that’s not how heart attacks work, it’s also not how hypotheticals work. In this scenario, your wife is having a heart attack. You can’t just ignore the premise. If someone asks, “if you could have dinner with anyone, living or dead, who would you choose,” you’re not allowed to say, “no, thanks, I already ate.” That’s not the point of the question. And amazingly, as bad as that response was, it wasn’t even the worst moment in his deposition, because months later, he was asked about how the population of his prison might be more susceptible to heat-related illness. And just watch this infuriating exchange.

Do you suspect that some of the people who come into your facility are going to have hypertension?

I do not know.

Do you suspect that some of the people who come into your facility are going to be, I don’t know, older than 60?

I do not know.

Do you suspect that some of the people who come into your facility are going to be older than 40?

I do not know.

Do you suspect that some of the people that are going to come into your facility are going to be on psychotropic medications?

I do not know.

Wouldn’t any competent supervisor, shouldn’t he or she know the answers to those questions?

I do not know.

John: Okay, we get it. You don’t know a lot of things. I almost wish that line of questioning had continued. “Do you suspect that some of the people who come into your facility are fire mutants powered by heat?” “I do not know.” “Do you have a tattoo of Peppa Pig on your lower back?” “I do not know.” “If you were sure no one would ever find out, would you have consensual sex with a dolphin?” “I do not know.” “Would you hit Bruce Willis with your car if given the opportunity?” “I do not know.” “Why do you think responding with ‘i do not know’ to every question asked of a person makes them sound like a total dipshit?” “I do not know.” So, look, when you put all this together, prisoners in this country are desperately uncomfortable, and sometimes dying, due to the heat, and no one seems to give enough of a shit to do anything about it. And while a lot of the facilities I’ve shown you tonight have been in Texas, that’s not because it’s the only culprit. It’s just one of the only states where this story has been extensively reported on camera. But you can find accounts of similar problems in Louisiana and Alabama and Florida and Virginia and Michigan. This is a deadly situation, and it’s only going to get worse, especially as summers are getting hotter and hotter. And while this is clearly just one small part of a much larger discussion about whether and how prisons should exist in this country, until such time as we have that discussion, there is actually an easy solution to this one problem, and that is, prisons need air conditioning. So put air conditioning in. That’s it. I know this show has trained you to anticipate nuance, but this one’s pretty straightforward. We shouldn’t be cooking prisoners to death. The end. That’s just not something we should be allowing under any circumstances. Because locking human beings in rooms with a heat index of 150 degrees begs the question, “how on earth could anyone, anywhere, think it’s okay to do that?” And to borrow the go-to answer of an extremely weird, extremely cruel man: “I do not know.” And now this.

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Announcer: and now, and now now, “last week tonight” left fox 51 year ago this week, and we miss his man on the street segments now more than ever.

Here’s my question. What’s your favorite way to watch tv?

In my bed.

Relaxing.

In a recliner.

In a recliner. You have one? Where is the worst place you’ve ever been stuck?

X-ray machine.

In an x-ray machine. What consistency do you like your milk shake?

Thick.

Thick. Do you have a lot of baby pictures of yourself? How do you handle people who annoy you? Can you spell Caribbean? Do you know who your neighbors are?

I’m living with your my neighbors.

Good for you. Tell me about that. Is there a nickname you wish you had.

Swiftie.

If you’re watching a show about food, does it make you hungry?

Yes.

What do you think tastes good, but it’s really difficult or messy to eat.

Pasta. I’m sloppy with spaghetti and meatballs.

That’s a popular one.

All over my shirt. Speaker of the tomato sauce and everything. Tastes good, doesn’t it? Great, great, great. The other thing I would say is the soup.

That can be sloppy.

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John: Moving on. Before we go, I wanted to take a moment to discuss commercials. You know, the thing you subscribe to HBO to avoid seeing. Specifically, I’d like to talk about ads for local car dealerships, because they can be absolute works of art, like this one:

Hey, y’all, it’s Bryce “Thug Nasty” Mitchell here. I’m at drive on time motors 900 east line road, Searcy, Arkansas, White County. They paid me to be here. These ain’t my cars and I don’t really care about them. ♪ ♪ When I ripped my testicles open with a drill, I had to drive myself to the hospital in my pickup truck. I really wish I woulda had this corvette. I woulda made it on time. [Tires screech]

John: Wow. That commercial raises a thousand questions and answers exactly none of them. How did Thug Nasty rip his testicles open with a drill? Why did he have a drill near his testicles in the first place? And most importantly, what does he mean, he “didn’t make it to the hospital on time”? But you know what? I don’t want or need any more context. The beauty is in the mystery. The mystery of Bryce’s self-drilled scrotum. The point is, there’s a real charm in the eccentricity of car dealership ads, because they can be a total law unto themselves. But recently we discovered something surprising. And it all started with this commercial:

I’m in a pickle! My doctor told me to calm down before my heart explodes! The only way for me to calm down is to help you get a nicer, newer car.

John: Okay. I don’t mind that. A guy dressed as a pickle next to an Uncle Sam who looks like mark Cuban seeming to threaten that if you don’t buy a car from him, he’s going to die. I actually like it. That’s some fun local weirdness from Winston-Salem, North Carolina, you’re just not going to get anywhere else, right? Well, it turns out, wrong. Because watch this:

Hey, you know me. Scott Elder from Elder Mitsubishi. I’m in a pickle. My doctor told me to turn it down a notch before my heart explodes!

Scott Lehman here from Premier Auto Center, and I’m in a pickle! My doctor told me to calm down before my heart explodes!

Hey, Fred Grote here from Grote Automotive. Doctor told me I need to turn it down a notch so my heart doesn’t explode.

Steve Johnson here from Zumbrota Ford. My doctor told me to turn it down a notch so my heart doesn’t explode.

Help! I’m in a pickle!

But dad, your doctor told you to calm down before your heart explodes!

John: Wow. That is striking. Usually when you see that many screaming white guys in pickle costumes, they’re yelling “Rick and Morty” quotes at any woman in their immediate vicinity and completely ruining comic-con. If you’re wondering what is going on there, as best we can tell, all those dealerships have worked with a marketing firm called Gravitational Marketing, based — obviously — in Florida, which seems to churn out scripts for a bunch of local car dealers, explaining why you can find so many ads in different places that are basically exactly the same. We found multiple Hulk Hogans in eerily similar wrestling-themed ads and multiple bunnies in identical Easter commercials and then we found whatever the fuck this is:

It’s John here from Blue Ridge. I’m in the doghouse. I need cars!

Hey, it’s Mike Guizar, and I’m in the doghouse.

I need cars!

Hey, it’s Jack Frost, and I’m in the doghouse. I need cars!

We’re in the doghouse and we need cars!

John: What is that? What’s the concept there? Do these car dealers really think that scripts that bad are worth outsourcing? “We’re in the doghouse and we need cars”? Don Draper would put his cigarette out on your forehead if you pitched a line like that. But I will say, once you start going down this rabbit hole, it’s kind of fascinating to see the different performance choices dealers make with the same ad. Take this one, themed for autumn:

Gutentag, coastal bend. I’m running out of year.

Zum wohl!

I’ve got to liven up my sales so I’m giving you thousands off a nicer, newer car with my lifetime warranty during my car-toberfest. Past credit mishaps making you feel like a weiner? My “for the people everybody drives” credit approval process helps get you approved.

John: Okay, you get the concept. Car-toberfest. And Tommy Gardner’s giving you a decent line reading there. Sort of a Meryl Streep in “The Devil Wears Prada” energy, a “less is more” kind of thing. Tommy knows the costumes, music, and cinematography are working well, so he’s centering the ad with an understated yet confident performance. But witness that same concept cranked up around 25 notches:

Gutentag, East Tennessee! My sales are slumping so let’s get bumping in my car-toberfest. ♪ Fall is here, I’m running out of year ♪ ♪ I’m so stressed, come be my guest ♪ don’t be a weiner, drive cleaner and save up to $5500 on a nicer, newer car. Gutentag!

John: Look, there’s a lot I could say about that. I could say in the words of that man’s obvious idol, Jim Carrey, somebody stop him. Or I could point out the accent he’s doing there would be problematic if it were still possible to be racist towards Germans. That man is Jason Farris of Farris Motor Company, and when you look at what he’s done with these pro forma scripts, you see that he routinely makes some capital “c” choices, but perhaps none as bold as when he got a stock independence day script and did this:

Today I’m pledging allegiance to the red, white, and you in a nicer, newer car. Be a patriot today and declare independence from your old ride for just $7 down. But hurry — like ISIS, this deal won’t be around long.

John: No, Jason! That is a no from me! We watched a number of those independence day commercials and guess which line wasn’t in any of the other scripts? Yep. It’s the one you’re thinking of. But the problem here is that — even when they’re not casually Islamophobic — it ruins the magic of these weird local ads to learn that many are just scripts someone bought. The joy of local car commercials is when they pop up in the middle of “Wheel of Fortune” and you think, “wow, this is completely deranged, but at least our local car dealer is trying to be creative. At least we as a local market are special, right?” But that might not be the case. And we need to make sure that it is. We need a return to the one-of-a-kind auto-dealer ad that no one else has. Remember how thrilling it was to see Bryce “Thug Nasty” Mitchell talk about his shattered scrotum? I do. I love that ad, but I don’t want to see 15 copies of that. I want Bryce to be a unicorn. Local ads should be unique and completely unhinged. And here is where we might be able to help. Because we’ve written a script. And it’s good. It’s really good. And we’re offering it to one — and only one — car dealership to use in a commercial for free, so long as they agree to some simple terms. The main one being, you have to agree to produce this exactly as it’s written. And you can’t read it before you agree. We promise there’s no cursing, blasphemy, or nudity in here. It’ll pass broadcast standards in your area and can be produced as cheaply as anything you’ve seen tonight. Now, will this script show your dealership in a good light? That’s for you to find out after you sign this contract and agree to produce and air the ad sight unseen. So who’s interested? What do you say, Scott Elder of Cedar Park? Fred Grote of Fort Wayne? Scott Lehman of Arizona? If you guys — or, indeed, any local car dealership out there — want to take us up on this one-time offer, you can reach us at freecarcommercial@ johnoliverwants yourraterotica.com. Come on, dealers. You know you want to roll the dice here. Let us get you into a nicer, newer commercial today.

That’s our show. Thanks so much for watching — see you next week, good night.

♪ ♪

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