Bob’s Burgers – S11E19 – Bridge Over Troubled Rudy [Transcript]

Louise ropes Tina and Gene into her journey to see Rudy's model bridge that explodes; Mort tries to teach Bob, Linda and Teddy how to meditate.
Bob's Burgers - S11E19 - Bridge Over Troubled Rudy

Original air date: May 2, 2021

The kids embark on a mission to transport a dangerous explosive-rigged vintage bridge-buster toy from Rudy’s home to where he is spending a two week break. Louise’s main motive for this hazardous quest – to see the toy blow up – is mixed up with guilt over insulting her asthmatic pal. Meanwhile, Bob finds inner peace when Mort gives him, Linda and Teddy lessons in meditation. Jimmy Pesto soon decides he will meditate too, sparking a “calm-off”.

* * *

♪ ♪

Hoo boy, this is a big deal for old Tina.

My first time plant-sitting.

But not my last, if I nail it.

Sure. Plants give referrals, right?

Some give rashes. Does that help?

Hey there.

Hello, Mr. Rudy’s Dad.

I just want you to know, your plants are in good hands.

And by hands, I mean the human leaves of the arms.

These arms.

Okay. Well, come in.

I’ll go get the plant-sitting guide.

Warning: I wrote it after a couple of glasses of vino, so it gets a little confessional.

There he is. Rudy Rudy bo-booty.

Yep, hi.

Geez, control your excitement, Rudes.

We can leave and come back in.

Maybe this time throw out a “hey-oh, friends ahoy.”

Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m stressed.

Dad’s going away for two weeks so I’m packing for my Mom’s place and I don’t want to forget anything.

It’s like, how many silk handkerchiefs should I pack?

Uh, none?

But what if there’s magic to do?

I can’t just run back here any time I need handkerchiefs.

Okay. Someone’s worked up.

Come on, let’s go to your room. You can pack and we’ll help by playing with your toys.

All righty, here’s the plant guide.

Oop. You know what, you don’t need to see this page.

-Right this way. -Knock ’em dead, T.

You mean, uh, water ’em… alive. (chuckles)

Deep breaths, Tina. You’re scaring people.

Yeah, little bit.

Okay, back to packing.

Dress socks– I brought way

too many last time.

Less is more with these bad boys.

Probably not bringing your bike to your mom’s, huh?

‘Cause of that popped tire? We rode bikes on the trail behind his mom’s place.

Rough terrain.

Popped my tire and shook my soul.

Wow. You guys are the Goose and Maverick of just getting your training wheels off.

Whoa. Check out the snack pile.

(gasps) Hello, my pretties.

Yeah, my Dad wants me to take ’em so they don’t go stale while he’s away. It’s all healthy stuff.

Mung bean puffs?

(munching) Bleh. Puff, puff, pass.

The veggie chips are pretty good.

(munching) Styrofoamy, salty.

These are good.

Take ’em.

Bless you, sir.

Well, it’s time to pack hats.

Get ready for some tough decisions.

Whoa.

What’s that?

That’s a fedora. Cool, right?

No, that.

Huh? Oh, that’s a blaster bridge.

My Dad and I built it. He had to buy it on eBay ’cause they don’t make ’em anymore– too dangerous.

Wha… What’s so dangerous about it?

Uh, allow me to answer your question by showing you a little something called “an old ad on the Internet.”

♪ ♪

The enemy’s advancing.

We got to blow the bridge.

BOTH: Ignition!

♪ Blaster Bridge. ♪

Sweet explosive lord.

I know. I can’t wait to blow it up.

Who said anything about waiting?

Why not do it right freaking now?

Well, first of all, my dad can’t be around for it.

He’s allergic to sulfur, which I guess is in the explosive thingies. -Remind me to uninvite your dad to my hot springs party.

Also, it turns out the condo board is not into us blowing up stuff in the common area.

They sound dumb.

They are. So, after my dad’s vacation, he’s gonna drive it to my mom’s house and I’m gonna blow it up there.

Hey, I know a fun time to do all that. Now?

No, my plate’s pretty full with packing up all my other stuff right now. Speaking of which, back to my hats.

Which one is better for my Mom’s house?

Eh or… eh?

Mm.

(groans)

So, that about covers the ferns.

And just remember, a little spritz keeps them looking fern-tastic.

Feel free to use the spray bottle holster that’s in the closet. It’s fun and it goes with any outfit.

That all make sense?

Uh-huh.

Okey-doke. Now on to my pride and joy.

Wow.

Yeah, bonsais.

Are you picturing yourself shrunken down having a lazy day lean against one of these little beauties?

Uh, yep.

So water goes in there.

Well, there’s more to bonsai care than that.

These trees are a living art form.

They’re delicate and incredibly sensitive.

I heard that. (chuckles)

Seriously, though, I heard it.

Oh, yeah, you can tell why they outlawed this thing.

Gunpowder and sharp edges? Mwah.

Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup. Don’t touch.

The explosive things are old and unstable.

I bumped into it once when I was getting up for a midnight tinkle and a couple of ’em went off.

It was scary and loud.

Sounds like one wild tinkle.

Scary and loud?

Are you trying to make me want this more?

It’s not always about what you want, okay, Louise?

Do I wish the bridge could magically show up at my mom’s house? Yes. Of course I do!

Because it would be great and also because I love magic.

But loading this big bridge would be a whole thing, and right now I have to pack for two weeks!

Whoa.

Yeah.

Rudy, Rudy, Rudy.

I got to say, right now you’re being a… a bit of a weenie.

Uh, hey.

What kind of lighting is that, Rudy– recessed?

Louise?

Mm-hmm?

Please leave.

Say what?

I think you should go. For a lot of reasons.

Also, I’m about to pack my underpants, and I would like some privacy.

So, yeah, this is Miyoko.

My little scrapper. Keep an eye on her leaves.

They should be a yellowish-green.

Now, if they’re greenish-yellow, put her under strict observation, okay?

-How strict? -You never leave her side.

Or, you know, do whatever seems reasonable for the $25 I’m paying you.

Okay, that’s everything.

Ready, Tina?

Yep. Coming.

All right. Take care, kids.

You, too.

Have fun at your divorced dad safari.

Oh, that-that’s not where I’m going.

Just a guess.

Okay, bye.

MORT: So I told the guy, “Keep jacking up the price of the stuff and they’re gonna have to call it five-maldehyde.”

(gasps, laughs) Because five is more than four.

Hm.

So now I just pay a lot for formaldehyde, and that’s fine.

Look at you.

Nothing rattles Mort. Not even dead people and all their shenanigans.

Yeah.

You always keep your cool. It’s kind of infuriating.

Nothing rattles you, Mort?!

BOB: Easy, Teddy.

My secret: I meditate.

And the small stuff just rolls off my back.

Huh. I always wanted to try that.

And you know who should try it– this guy.

Nothing rolls off his back, not even sweat.

It just beads up. It’s weird.

Um, thanks. I-I mean, I’m kind of curious about meditation.

I guess I just don’t want to be alone with my thoughts?

Ugh, what’s Jimmy doing?

Huh? Nothing. He’s standing there.

It bugs me so much.

I think you’d get a lot out of meditation, Bob.

I could show you how it’s done.

All we need is a quiet place where no one will bother us for 20 minutes.

I mean, most days that’s the restaurant.

Yeah, we could do it here.

I need to finish Mrs. Sobel’s makeup for the service.

Her last wishes were “Have fun with it.”

But I can come back tomorrow. How’s that? Who’s in?

Sure.

Sounds good.

I’m in.

Then it’s a date– a medi-date to medi-tate.

Oh, don’t ruin it, Mort.

(grunts)

Louise, everything okay?

You keep riding into my back tire. (grunts)

What? Oh, I’m fine.

Are you thinking about how bad you feel about calling Rudy a weenie in front of his hats?

(scoffs) No.

I was just thinking about… logistics.

I believe you’re trying to say “la fish sticks”?

Logistics about how you’re gonna apologize, because it sounds like you should?

I do not need to apologize.

I meant logistics for my plan.

I got Rudy’s message, loud and clear.

He wants to blow up that bridge so bad.

And he wants us to make that happen ASAP.

Okay, great, but it doesn’t seem like that was his message at all?

It was, and tomorrow we can help with that.

This is just a transportation glitch.

Glitch, please.

Okay, I’m heading to Rudy’s dad’s house.

Bye, everyone.

Bye, Tina.

Have fun sitting on your plants.

Uh, wait, Tina, um, Gene and I thought we’d go with you.

You know, for moral support.

Aw, so nice.

That is nice.

Yeah, weirdly nice. Sorry. I didn’t mean to say weirdly.

But why do you want to do that?

Because we’re really great siblings?

Yeah, you are. Now go on, get.

And next time you see us, we’ll be all chilled out, ’cause Mort’s gonna teach us how to meditate.

Really? Even you, Dad?

I know. I’m scared.

Hey, if you want to try ayahuasca next, Ken knows a shaman.

Thanks. Ken’s not real.

The shaman said none of us are real.

I’ve got to be honest, I was feeling the plant-sitting jitters, but now but now that I’ve got you two on my side, noth…

Yep, yep, sounds good, so let’s run through the plan for moving Rudy’s bridge over to his mom’s place.

Wait.

You’re still serious about that?

Uh, yeah.

I want to blow up the bridge.

Rudy wants to blow up the bridge.

So I’m doing this amazing favor and he’s lucky to have me and I never did or said anything wrong.

Okay, but I don’t think I can help.

Those plants need a lot of attention.

Rudy’s dad said they feel jealousy, too, so I…

Tina, relax. Gene and I have got this.

So here’s the plan: we can balance the model on one of our bikes and walk it over to…

Aah.

What, Gene?

You used the W word.

Walk?

Aah.

Okay.

Maybe instead we do the leg-positive thing, and ask Mom and Dad to drive the model for us?

Dad wouldn’t want it in the car.

Remember how weird he was about taking home that bottle rocket we found?

You mean Little Orphan Boom Boom?

I think this is what we call in the business, a “don’t tell Mom and Dad” situation.

Mm.

LOUISE: Huh. It’s a little… bigger than I remembered.

Uh-huh.

Gene, you haven’t finished those yet?

I’m pacing myself. Oh, no. Are these healthy snacks

giving me healthy eating habits?

I don’t want to think about it.

You guys, look at these leaves.

Do they look sick or really, really fine?

Are they supposed to fall off when you breath on them?

Uh, I don’t think so. I guess I could read to her?

Rudy’s dad left a reading list.

Lot of grown-up books. Who’s Henry Miller?

No offense, T, but we’ve got our own problems right now.

Whoa, that’s the bridge? It’s kind of big, right?

And fragile. And explosive.

Aren’t we all?

Cool, cool.

So maybe don’t do this plan?

Because it’s bad?

Nuh-uh.

We’re doing it, but, hey, it’s me and Gene.

The professionals– we can handle it.

Sure, sure.

Gene, get that side?

Roger that.

(grunting)

Is anything happening?

This is killing me.

(Tina sighs)

Thanks for helping, Tina.

Rudy’s mom lives less than a mile away.

So we should be there in time for Rudy’s afternoon nasal cleanse.

I’d hate to miss it.

Okay, this should work for little sickie Miyoko.

What’s, uh, going on with that whole situation, Tina?

Rudy’s dad uses it so the bonsais can hear his heartbeat.

When I want that I just climb up inside Dad’s shirt like a baby kangaroo.

MORT: Everyone comfortable?

Yeah

Uh-huh.

How about you, Bob?

I mean, things hurt.

But, um, you know, a normal amount.

Very good. Now, everyone, close your eyes.

I want you to focus on your breath.

Breath or breasts?

(groans) Mort, sicko.

I said breath.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If your thoughts distract you, just come back to your breath.

(yawning): I think I’m starting to feel something.

MORT: Thoughts are going to arise.

Don’t resist them.

What are you doing? The walk-in needs to be cleaned.

-Mm. -Also shouldn’t you be doing sit-ups instead of this?

And also aren’t you hungry right now?

He just ate.

Yeah, but that doesn’t count.

If he’s hungry he’s hungry.

Yeah, don’t food shame him.

Hmm. I’m starting to get hungry now.

Will you guys look at this mole? Uh, normal? Scary?

(Bob whimpers)

MORT: Just come back to the breath.

(Bob breathing deeply)

That’s it, breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

♪ ♪

And open your eyes.

Wow, that felt… really good.

H-How about you guys?

(snoring) Wha-wha-wha…

Okay, easy does it.

Don’t want to set anything off.

We’re going pretty slow. So slow that I can’t tell for sure if we’re moving.

Wait, are we moving?

Ah, bump.

Slower. Go slower.

Mum-mum-mum.

Gene, eyes on the road.

Just one more chip. My body needs fuel.

Aah.

What the…

Sprinklers! Back it up, people.

(Gene and Tina groan)

The model, did it get wet?

I think water’s bad for the explosive thingies.

That could be a line from The Hurt Locker.

Oh, no. Miyoko, please tell me you didn’t get wet.

I’ve already watered her today. Overwatering is very bad for a bonsai.

Phew, okay, she’s dry.

The model’s dry, too. All right, uh, new plan.

We cross the street, go around the sprinklers.

I don’t think so. Look.

GENE: Ah, this neighborhood loves irrigation.

Maybe we could walk really slowly in the street, hope cars see a sick bonsai and a bridge model and just kind of get it.

Or we, uh, go through.

Nope, nope, don’t like it.

It’ll be easy. We just, uh, time it out so the sprinklers don’t hit us.

Did you say go back to Rudy’s dad’s house?

I think that’s what I heard.

Come on, we gotta get this thing to Rudy to make him feel better, in general.

Not about the weenie thing. Who brought that up?

Geez, Tina, let it go.

Huh?

So, are we gonna do this thing or what?

(sighs) Fine.

Veggie chip, give me strength. Yum-yum.

♪ We’re moving an explosive bridge ♪

♪ Explosive bridge, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ We’re moving an explosive bridge ♪

♪ Explosive bridge, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh… ♪

Doing great, guys. Almost there.

This is so stressful. Stress isn’t good for plants.

Or plant-sitters.

Relax. This is Rudy’s mom’s street.

We turn here and it’s a straight shot.

Or… maybe not.

GENE: Oh, boy.

TINA: Torn-up street and no sidewalk.

Great.

This would be a perfect time for a giant drone to swoop down and carry us over. Hint, hint, Jeff Bezos.

What do we do now, Louise?

Well, I mean, there is another way.

Over there.

We dump this thing and go live in the woods?

I’m into that.

That’s the trail Rudy and I ride on sometimes.

It goes right behind Rudy’s mom’s house.

Isn’t that the trail that’s so rough it popped Rudy’s bike tire?

Wait, what?

It’s not that bad.

I mean, yeah, the trail’s a little bumpy.

Aah…

Aah…

Okay, pretty bumpy. But it’s our only option.

It’s way farther if we turn back.

Uh…

And hey, thanks again for the pushing you’ve been doing.

I mean, pizza and beers on me when this is all over, eh?

If that thing doesn’t blow up and kill us all.

What was that?

Nothing. Into the woods.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, steady. Watch out. Bump coming.

Another bump coming. Lot of bumps coming.

Yeah, it’s all friggin’ bumps.

It’s the bumpiest trail in the world.

The bridge is gonna explode, and there’s gonna be bonsai organs everywhere, Louise.

I have six and a quarter veggie chips left.

I hope I live to snack on them again.

BOB: You know, I feel really calm.

It’s like I did one nice thing for my brain ever, and it can’t stop thanking me.

I know. I feel so refreshed.

Well, you did fall asleep.

No, I meditated. I went deep.

To sleep.

I feel terrific, too.

So meditated.

Oh, yeah?

No. It didn’t work.

I don’t know, I just thought about wrenches the whole time.

Was I supposed to? Is that good?

Hey, Bob. Can I borrow some empty space?

My restaurant ran out. Heh, zoom.

Ha. That’s a thinker, but it’s good.

Hey, Jimmy, Trev. What’s up?

“Hey, Jimmy”? What’s with you, cool guy?

Bob’s relaxed ’cause he meditated.

We all did.

But we’re beginners and we’re learning, and it doesn’t always work the first time.

Meditated? Sounds stupid.

It’s actually really calming.

You know what? I’m gonna do it again right now.

Ew, gross.

I just close my eyes and focus on my breath.

(inhales deeply)

Focus on some breath mints. Zoom.

(laughs)

Ha.

If I have thoughts, that’s totally fine.

I come back to the breath.

Breathe in. (inhales)

Breathe out. (exhales)

Eh, this is dumb.

Let’s go make fun of people who park bad.

That’s fine. Whatever you guys want to do.

Okay, now Bob’s kind of scary calm.

Linda?

(Linda snoring)

Huh? Wha-Wha-Wha?

(panting): How much further?

See that?

That is the back of Rudy’s mom’s house.

It’s exactly how I always imagined the back of Rudy’s mom’s house.

But for some reason I pictured a pergola.

I need to catch my breath.

Really Miyoko’s breath, because she gives off oxygen.

I know about plants. Also, they hurt you when they press against you for a long time.

Time to rotate her. Gene, you got this?

Okay.

Aah.

Gene, you said you had it.

I thought you wanted me to rotate the bonsai.

I get that a lot.

(distorted): No…!

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.

Aah. Got ’em. Phew.

Yes. Ha-ha. Eat it, gravity.

Louise, could you check Miyoko?

Sure.

Uh…

What?

Do, uh, bonsais shed their limbs off?

Miyoko’s branch.

Yikes.

Uh-oh.

Louise, all I wanted was to do a good job plant-sitting, and now I’ve ripped Miyoko’s arm off.

I thought that was his wiener.

Miyoko’s a girl.

Her wiener. Sorry.

(grunts) This whole bridge-moving thing.

You just want to blow it up. That’s all you care about.

Now Miyoko’s bleeding to death. Maybe. I-I don’t know.

Of course I want to blow it up.

But that’s not the only reason I’m doing this.

I just feel like I have to do this because of what I…

Ah, forget it.

Oh, my God, is this all just your really weird, totally inconvenient way of saying you’re sorry without saying you’re sorry?

(scoffs) That’s crazy. Saying I’m sorry?

For what? For being a great friend who delivers bridges?

RUDY: Huh? What are you guys doing here?

Is that my bridge model?

What the hell?

Oh, hey, Rudes.

What are you doing here in your… backyard?

I heard shouting, so I came to see…

Wait. You brought the model from my dad’s house?

And now it’s hanging over a cliff?

I mean, it’s not really a cliff.

But…

Uh, hey, how about you help us pull these bikes up, and then we can talk about how excited you are that I… we did this for you.

Ha-ha.

On a lighter note, looks like you picked the perfect hat.

(straining)

Easy…

Ah. Nice work, everyone.

What a team.

So, uh, maybe we can move this thing somewhere safe? I mean…

It’s already sliding off again.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, you guys are not great at this.

Bob. Linda.

Jimmy, what happened to your voice?

I went back to my restaurant and meditated.

Just like you did, Bob.

Yeah, Bob.

I feel so relaxed, like I just had a long, totally legit massage.

That’s great, Jimmy.

Yeah. I came over to say I think it worked for me even better than it worked for you, Bob.

Well, it’s not a competition, Jimmy.

That’s something you’d say when you know you’d lose the competition. -Ha.

Uh-oh, fightin’ words.

Who would judge?

Not Linda. That’d be illegal.

Not Trev, either.

Fair. We’re too close.

We’re not that close.

Brother from another mother.

No.

How about Mort? I mean…

Ugh. This is dumb. Forget I said anything.

Great idea, Linda. I’m gonna call Mort.

All right.

Okay, so, you have your bridge, and you can blow it up whenever you want.

(chuckles): It’s not about us.

And to prove it, we will take our leave.

Oh. Okay. Bye, Rudy.

I’m just gonna go back to your dad’s.

Miyoko had a nice walk, and she is, um, perfectly fine.

Huh. I definitely want to blow it up.

And you guys could watch, since you’re here anyway.

You… sure?

Yeah.

Very well. Whatever the gentleman wants.

Uh…

Okay, great. Let me just go grab some safety goggles and some explosion snacks.

I wouldn’t say no to a chip of the veggie variety, if you’re still holding.

MORT: As I once said about eco-friendly cardboard caskets, I’m not sure how this will work, but I’m game to try.

Yeah, how do you even judge a thing like this?

It’s fine. We’ll figure it out, right?

Point for Jimmy. Calm acceptance.

Yeah. Jimmy accepted the crap out of that.

Good for you, Jimmy.

That’s a point for Bob.

Am I late? Linda texted me that there was a who-meditated-better contest.

They’re just starting. Shh, shh, shh, shh.

How’s business, Jimmy?

Fantastic. How’s it here? Bad?

Point deduction. Insults are not Zen.

Sorry, pal.

Point for Jimmy. Owning mistakes.

Oh, I didn’t mind it.

Point for Bob.

You know, when you think about it, there’s no “my point” or “Jimmy’s point.”

It’s just… one point we all share.

Ten points for Bob.

(Jimmy stifles grunt)

I think Bob’s winning.

Bob’s like a monk.

Yeah, with even less hair.

(chuckles) Good one.

Laughing Buddha point for Bob.

Negative 20 points for Jimmy.

Come on, seriously?

Where do you get these numbers from?

Negative five points. I’m doing my best.

Oh, here’s a point: you’re dumb.

You’re dumb. You’re dumb. You’re all dumb.

And I’m great. I win.

Come on, Trev.

Wow. Your forehead vein is really big.

Will you shush? I know it is.

I can see it out of the corner of my eye.

Yay, Bobby.

You crushed him, Bob.

You wiped the floor with him.

Negative point for Teddy. Aggressive.

Mort, so help me…

Oh, God. Being relaxed is exhausting.

I think I’m gonna go clean the grill and stress about things for a bit.

You do that, sweetie.

We’ll hang out here. Mort can keep giving us points.

How many points for me, Mort?

Uh, four.

Yay.

Stand back, everybody.

Big explosion in five, four, three, two, one– ignition.

I’m sorry I called you a weenie.

(light popping)

Whoa.

That’s it? I expected it to be… louder.

And blow-up-ier.

I expected to need new underwear.

But these tighties remain whitey.

Well, my ears are still ringing, baby.

Wait. Did you just say you were sorry?

I guess.

Yeah, I am sorry.

Huh. I mean, you kind of wedged it in there.

Yeah, well, I’m sorry I kept pushing you when you were stressed out.

And I’m sorry I called you a weenie.

You’re not. You’re the opposite of a weenie.

A beanie?

And I’m sorry I didn’t just say sorry right away.

I’m not great at that, maybe.

And I’m glad we’re friends.

Thanks, Louise. Right back atcha.

Also, since the sorry train has left the station–

Tina, I’m sorry about Miyoko’s branch.

It’s okay. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for plant-sitting.

Some days the plants sit on you, am I right?

Whoa, did you trim Miyoko?

Um…

It works.

I think she looks more balanced.

My dad’s gonna love it.

Oh. I-I mean, yeah, he should.

So… now what do we blow up?

Well, I don’t want to blow them up, but I packed my silk handkerchiefs.

(singsongy): Who’s in the mood for some magic?

GENE and TINA: Me.

Or we could blow up that chair.

No, no, I-I like that chair.

Or that bird feeder?

No. Louise, I… You don’t understand.

(laughs): I’m kidding. Rudy, go get those handkerchiefs.

Okay. Or do I have them already?

No, I don’t. Okay, I gotta go get them.

I-I’ll be right back.

♪ Breathe in, breathe in ♪

♪ Breathe out, breathe out ♪

♪ Breathe in, breathe in ♪

♪ Breathe out… ♪

(panting)

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

BOB (echoing): Come back to the breath.

Breathe in. (inhales)

Breathe out. (exhales)

LINDA: I meditated. I went deep.

BOB: Oh, God. Being relaxed is exhausting.

♪ Breathe in, breathe in ♪

♪ Breathe out, breathe out ♪

♪ Breathe in, breathe in ♪

♪ Breathe out… ♪

LINDA: I think I’m starting to feel something.

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