Real Time with Bill Maher – S19E13 [Transcript]

Air date: April 23, 2021. New Rule: OK Boomer. The Interview: Fran Lebowitz. The Panel: S.E. Cupp & April Ryan.
Real Time with Bill Maher - S19E13

Real Time with Bill Maher
Season 19 Episode 13
Air date: April 23, 2021

Monologue:

New Rule: OK Boomer

The Interview: Fran Lebowitz is a former Contributing Editor for Vanity Fair and ardent New Yorker who stars in the 7-part Netflix series, Pretend It’s a City.

The Panel: S.E. Cupp is a nationally syndicated columnist and CNN contributor who hosts CNN’s “S.E. Cupp: Unfiltered.”
April Ryan is the author of At Mama’s Knee: Mothers and Race in Black and White and DC Bureau Chief and White House Correspondent for theGrio.com.

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Start the clock. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Bill: How are you? Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming and masking up. Thank you, thank you, thank you. [Cheers and applause] I appreciate it. Thank you for being in a good mood. [Cheers and applause] Look, we aren’t going to have a riot, people are in a good mood. The good news in the Derek Chauvin trial, they found him guilty. There was justice for George Floyd. The bad news was if you want something at Footlocker this weekend you’re going to have to buy it with money. [Laughter] So America, come on, it’s coming back. Biden is going to do — they are calling it but it is the state of union address, a joint session of congress next week, a low bar in the Capital. The last big speech in that room was from the Qanon shaman. [Laughter] You can’t beat that. Biden is making moves, this was Earth Day, right this week, to celebrate. [Cheers and applause] To celebrate our remaining few years on this planet, he had a virtual summit with 40 leaders around the world and they were, I must say, much more impressed with him than the last guy. [Laughter] Trump thought climate change was when the sun went down. That’s as far as we got on that issue with him. And also — this is not going anywhere but it’s a step — The House voted that Washington, D.C., our nation’s should be a state. At least we are bringing this up now. And Matt Gaetz, remember Matt Gaetz? He was all over this issue. He had a big question, he said if D.C. was a state, what would happen if a teenage girl had to get from Delaware to Virginia? Asking for a friend.

[Laughter] [applause]

But you’re probably all jazzed up because it’s Oscars weekend and America can barely contain its apathy. [Laughter] I’m telling you — I always get excited for the Oscars, I do. I write down every year my predictions, this year I’m predicting I’m not going to watch. [Laughter] [applause] We did a whole thing on this a couple weeks ago, no one heard of these movies. You’ve heard of #metoo? This is me neither. There’s eight nominees for best picture, no one has seen them. One is just a picture in your Netflix queue of a campfire. It might not have worked anyway but I certainly didn’t give it a chance. [Laughter] I don’t understand about this year’s Oscars ceremony, it’s coming to you from union station here in Los Angeles. Really? Because nothing says glamour like “come to a train station and cheer on a movie about date rape.” That is the night of my life! A train station? How’s that going to work, “and Oscar for best picture goes to — now boarding the 8:45 to Fresno.”

But how about this for a news? Caitlyn Jenner is running for governor. [Laughter] Let me finish my whole monologue on this if you might want to take that one back. I know you think of her as a reality show star but come on, people change. [Laughter] She is trans, rested, and ready. She’s got a great slogan, “Take the Sack out of Sacramento.” [Laughter] [applause] This is only happening because our governor — there is a recall, which is stupid but we’re probably going to do it because in California we do stupid things like that. But Caitlyn Jenner is a very dyed in the wool lifelong republican. I love that about her, wasn’t always sure about the whole man-woman thing, but low capital gains taxes, born that way. [Laughter] [applause] A lot of people are saying isn’t it strange for a trans woman to be in a party that is passing anti-trans laws all over the country? And Caitlyn said “I get that, there’s just something about being in a party that doesn’t respect me that makes me feel like I’m at home with the Kardashians.” [Laughter]

All right, I’ve got a great show for you, we’ve got S.E. Cupp and April Ryan. And first up, she’s the subject of the 7-part Netflix series, it was fantastic, “Pretend it’s a City” and in April 2022 she’ll be performing at the broad stage in Santa Monica: Fran Lebowitz.

[Cheers and applause]

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Fran Lebowitz. It’s so great to see you.

Lebowitz: It’s great to see anyone.

Bill: It’s been too long, how was your pandemic?

Lebowitz: There were certain things I liked about it. I know you are not allowed to say that.

Bill: I thought maybe you would because you like staying home reading all day.

Lebowitz: But not all night. So that was good. Many things that I wish for I got in a certain way. I wanted the tourists out of Times Square but then when I thought at the height of the pandemic when I was walking around I said, yes, but not this way. Wasn’t there some way they could leave without half a million people dying? I didn’t mean that, I don’t mean die, I just mean don’t come.

Bill: They will be back because New York will be back. There is no question.

Lebowitz: It’s not surprising to me, people in New York, not me, people who own stuff like theaters and buildings, “how can we make it like it was as if it was perfect?” There were things wrong before. Whenever there is a disaster, no one can think past the disaster.

Bill: That’s not true, a lot of people are not going to go back to going back to an office, certainly not like five days a week.

Lebowitz: Luckily, I never did that, did you?

Bill: Yes, and I miss it. I will compromise with the staff who wants to stay home, they never want to see this building again. I like a writer’s meeting with writers in it, in the same fucking room, I do. I like to see the fear on their faces, the show is always — [applause] So how was the flight? I’m very curious if you were as bothered by the inconsistencies as I am and how we handle this. The fact that planes were always okay but I couldn’t do a concert. Really? A plane is safer than an outdoor venue to do a concert, or even an indoor venue? How about dining? You put the mask on when you walk in, but when you’re sitting, the virus would never think of jumping in you — please, he’s with people, he’s eating. Does this bother you?

[Laughter] [applause]

Lebowitz: There seems to be a lack of understanding of what air is. In other words, in New York they put…

Bill: What air is, yeah.

Lebowitz: They put these plastic dividers between tables. I sent to the waiter, is not a pleasant feeling — you feel like I didn’t kill anyone, do I have to be behind this plastic?

Bill: You feel like Eichmann.

Lebowitz: What is this for? “This is to keep the air from going from table to table.” Really? Can I smoke? He said “no, of course you can’t smoke.” If this worked, I could smoke. They would stop the smoke right here. Air doesn’t do that. Air goes up, it goes down, not a meteorologist but I know air doesn’t just go this way. It’s the same with planes.

Bill: I remember I took you to that Mets game and to smoke, you had to walk around the entire stadium.

Lebowitz: First of all, that’s the only time I’ve been to — I know it’s not called Shea Stadium anymore, whatever it’s called.

Bill: City Field.

Lebowitz: Yes, it is. That’s the only time I’ve been there, I haven’t been back.

Bill: No one has been back, by the way.

Lebowitz: I’m sorry?

Bill: No one has been back. We didn’t really…

Lebowitz: Was that the last baseball games?

Bill: No, but we had no fans last year, almost drove me into bankruptcy. Anyway, go on with your story.

Lebowitz: I went, but I was not a fan. To walk to the place you had to smoke I felt like I was getting more exercise than the baseball players. [Laughter] [applause] I felt that when I finally got there and lit up, I should’ve gotten like a run or whatever you call it, right. I remember vividly doing that.

Bill: Okay, so I must tell you, your show on Netflix was so fucking fantastic.

Lebowitz: Thank you.

Bill: So hysterically funny. You and Marty together, you’re the show. I did three nights with you as you recall…

Lebowitz: In Silicon Valley.

Bill: Silicon Valley — you are the fastest gun in the west. Even the comedians would give that to you. Whoever is on stage with you is going to be the straight man. And I’m pretty fucking funny.

Lebowitz: And your pretty straight.

Bill: Right.

Lebowitz: Not true of all the men I’ve been on stage with.

Bill: Can I make a prediction for this decade — you just turned 70…

Lebowitz: I did.

Bill: Your 70s, you’re going to be the hottest ticket on campus.

Lebowitz: I truthfully– I already have like a billion dates for 2022.

Bill: I know, I’m saying it’s about time, you deserve it, you’re the funniest one out there, and the kids are catching on, it’s going to be great. You always are complaining about being impact unions, you will not be able to lean on that anymore, you are going to be flush.

Lebowitz: And of course this is the year that if you make a lot of money, they’re going to take it all in taxes. When I saw that I’ve always been advocating for this and I thought “not this year, no please don’t do it this year.”

Bill: I kept thinking of you when you were a cabbie, you were in the 70s?

Lebowitz: I wasn’t in my 70s.

Bill: In the 70s.

Lebowitz: That’s a sadder fate, I was like 21. Yes.

Bill: Were you one of the only two women cabbies?

Lebowitz: I was supposedly but I never saw the other one, so I thought the other one might have been a myth. Truthfully I wasn’t really a woman, I was a girl, I was a kid. I don’t mean I wasn’t a woman in the way that– Bruce– whatever he’s called… Caitlyn Jenner!

Bill: I’m probably in enough trouble on that one.

Lebowitz: I was a girl, I was a kid and I kept hearing there was another woman cabdriver but I never saw her. I looked for her because the men cabdrivers wouldn’t talk to me.

Bill: It must’ve been a rough gig but you have a deep love of cabbies because you bought a cab, right? Did you not have a checkered cab?

Lebowitz: I bought a checkered…

Bill: That’s an odd thing for someone to do, especially who’s penniless.

Lebowitz: I wasn’t penniless when I bought it, it’s when my first book came out. After I bought it I was penniless. I bought it because the checker company made also a passenger car called The Marathon, in the shape of a cab. I bought it because I wanted to buy an old Bentley and I couldn’t afford it. So everyone said “this car kind of looks like an old Bentley,” which it kind of does, it’s round. They never changed the design, the body design.

Bill: Who told you this? That is ridiculous. [laughter]

Lebowitz: I like the way it looks, it looked like a comic book car.

Bill: Yes, it does. If that’s what it does look like.

Lebowitz: You expect the family of ducks to get out of it. Anyway, I still have the car.

Bill: You do? Do you ever take Uber?

Lebowitz: If someone else takes it, I don’t have a phone, you need a phone to take Uber.

Bill: That’s right.

Lebowitz: So if someone else has called an Uber I say thanks.

Bill: I take it very rarely but the last time I took one, it said– the thing came up and they have a screen.

Lebowitz: I take your word for it.

Bill: It’s said “do you want conversation with the driver?” I had to pick that before. I was like “could we just wing it?” I’m just wondering what you think about that generation’s fragility that they can’t even get into a car without knowing what’s coming. There’s trigger warnings outside of Broadway shows now.

Lebowitz: There should be.

[laughter]

Bill: There are.

Lebowitz: Really? You really want to see this? Didn’t you see this 40 years ago when it first opened?

[Laughter]

Bill: What do you think you would have been like if you had texting when you were a teenager, as teenagers do today? Because you are so literate. Couldn’t you have like– would that have been good for you?

Lebowitz: Truthfully, the idea that I would ever want to sit there and write all day long for free is out of the question.

[Laughter]

Bill: That is tweeting.

Lebowitz: But texting is writing.

Bill: But it’s to a person, wouldn’t that have changed your love life?

Lebowitz: All writing is to a person or to some people.

Bill: I feel like it would’ve been good for me because I was very shy. But I was Cyrano, I could say the right thing, but I had the big nose. So I didn’t want to…

Lebowitz: But very straight.

Bill: Last question about the pandemic, did it make you think of–

Lebowitz: Yes.

[Laughter] [applause]

Bill: What was I going to say?

Lebowitz: It doesn’t matter.

Bill: Did it make you ponder the big questions? It did with me.

Lebowitz: Did what?

Bill: Make me think about things.

Lebowitz: What? I mean —

Bill: The pandemic. Did you see recently they said UFOs, the first time the government is talking about how yes, there are these things that our pilots have seen, these are not crazy people, people in the military. They’ve seen these things, we can’t explain them–

Lebowitz: I can, it’s the Delta flight that was supposed to leave three days ago.

[Laughter] [applause]

That’s what it is.

Bill: They think it’s pretty real, some of them say it could be another country, another country that has the stuff that is as they say, the military is saying, behaving in ways we can’t explain? Violating laws of physics we can’t explain? What other country has got that?

Lebowitz: I’m sure I behave in ways the military could not explain. In looking for profound explanations I wouldn’t exactly go to the military.

Bill: All right, miss smarty-pants. What about something like the big bang theory — not the show. The actual theory. Can you explain it?

Lebowitz: No.

Bill: But you know what it is, what is the big bang theory?

Lebowitz: I only know it vaguely.

Bill: The ultimate reader, you don’t know the big bang theory?

Lebowitz: I only have half a brain, the other half I don’t have — a dozen actual physicist explain what actual physics is and I still don’t know. I don’t have opinions about the big bang theory.

Bill: I’m going to tell you what it is and you can tell me your opinion. This is the big bang theory: that the entire universe at one time fit in the something the size of a marble. Picture the earth condensed to be in a marble, not just the earth, the sun and all of our planets and not just that but the entire galaxy which is a hundred billion stars and then there is 2 trillion galaxies, now it’s getting crowded in there. [Laughter] And that exploded.

Lebowitz: And is in its present condition, where they still doing construction next to my hotel?

Bill: That happened 14 billion years ago, then the shit cooled and planets formed, come on, you know.

Lebowitz: You’re asking me if I agree with this? [Laughter]

Bill: Yes!

Lebowitz: Not a single thing you said could I follow.

Bill: The whole universe but in the something little and it exploded and shit happened for lot of years and yes, that is what all the smartest people in the world think. I agree with them because I realize they are smarter than me. But it doesn’t sound stupider than virgin birth, on the surface. I’m not saying it — it’s counterintuitive.

Lebowitz: It’s more picturesque. I don’t understand either one of them.

Bill: All right, you are going to be the biggest star of the next decade, the roaring ’20s. Right? You agree?

Lebowitz: I don’t know.

Bill: You’re going to be the biggest star on campus. Fran Lebowitz, everybody! My prediction.

Let’s meet our panel! All women today, lucky me. Women people. She’s the nationally syndicated columnist and CNN commentator: S.E Cupp. [Cheers and applause] She’s the author of At Mama’s Knee: Mothers and Race in Black and White and she’s also the D.C. Bureau Chief and White House correspondent for the-grio.com: April Ryan. How are you doing?

[Cheers and applause]

Ryan: How are you doing?

Bill: I’m doing good, how are you are doing?

Ryan: It’s good to be out. The first time, for you I flew in a year.

Bill: Thank you so much, I really appreciate that.

Ryan: For you.

Bill: I know, but we didn’t pay for the ticket. And you didn’t want to get out of the house. You would go anywhere if they paid for the ticket!

Ryan: Only for you.

Bill: Listen, let’s talk about this — let’s change the happy mood and talk about the horrible trial. People have been talking about this verdict as if it’s the beginning, I just want to say the left loves its narratives, it’s actually part of a trend that has been going on since 2014. In Chicago, the cop who killed Laquan McDonald went to prison, six years, nine months. 2015, Charleston, the guy who killed Walter Scott got 20 years in prison. 2017, the cop who shot into a car filled with black teenagers got 15 years, Amber Geiger in Dallas 2018, ten years in prison. This is something that has been changing. This is another brick in that wall that we are building.

Ryan: It’s too slow. It’s very slow. [Applause] You’re talking about a trend since 2014, let’s go way back. Let’s go back 402 years to slavery. From patrolling, then you go to Jim Crow, then you go to civil rights, then you go today. This is not even a victory, this is a small movement towards what should be — it’s not right that black people have to have the talk to their children. As a mother of black girls, it’s not just about — I have to talk to my children about when you are out on the road. There are different rules and you have to understand this is a scenario that when black people, a lot of black people are out in the street, they fear police coming to them and they are fearful of what street corner justice your tried and convicted and killed on the spot versus a white person who gets a chance to go to court.

[Laughter] [applause]

Bill: No one’s arguing that that, things are different from five years ago and it’s important to point that out.

Cupp: It’s important to point that out, but I don’t think there’s much solace in that.

Bill: Let’s move on to something else. Another point about this.

Cupp: This verdict was so obvious, we all saw what happened with our own eyes.

Bill: It didn’t used to happen when it was obvious, that’s my point. It was always obvious and they didn’t used to do this.

Cupp: That fear is that we aren’t always going to have the evidence that we had with the Chauvin case.

Ryan: Even with the evidence, even with the cameras and police video, they’re still going to do it. Look at what Chauvin did — it doesn’t matter with body cams, they are going to do it. When we talk about accountability, let’s go back to my hometown of Baltimore. Freddie Gray died in police custody, he should have never been in police custody. The accountability is not there.

Bill: Who was the mayor?

Ryan: A black woman.

Bill: Who was the head of the police? Who’s the D.A.? I’m just saying, it obviously is something beyond race them. That suggests to me it’s more about policing. Everybody in the upper echelon in the Freddie Gray case was black. You can’t replace them.

Ryan: But the system is the same.

Bill: That’s the point.

Ryan: The problem is police have qualified immunity, they get the benefit of the doubt before the average citizen.

Bill: Not so much anymore, as I was pointing out. What about this only 30 minutes after this verdict came in, a young woman, Ma’Khia Bryant was killed in Columbus, the cop fired four shots– this has been one of my issues for a very long time, why do they always have to empty the whole clip, maybe they have an answer, but I’ve been asking it for a very long time– one shot, could no possibly…? Here’s an interesting case. She was stabbing another person. This is a black girl who was about to stab another black girl. Black lives matter, which one? A lot of people are saying the cop did the wrong thing. I’m saying, which lives…

Ryan: He could have shot her in the leg, he could have deescalated in a different way, he didn’t have to use a bullet, he could’ve done something differently. It should not be that if there is a police officer coming to your home, someone dies. There are ways, they are trained to de-escalate and there are some people who don’t use the taser.

Bill: That’s the problem, they are not trained to de-escalate.

Ryan: In Baltimore they are changing it.

Cupp: I think — no one should die during a traffic stop. No one should die for passing a counterfeit 20 dollar bill, no one should die for selling loose cigarette. However a lot of the cops and analysts that I have been listening to over the past couple of days have said what the cop did in that situation, to save another girl from being stabbed was the right thing to do. I don’t know if that’s the case — no one wants any kid to die at the hands of cops, but I think the problem is they aren’t trained to de-escalate. The problem is systemic in policing as well.

Bill: I’ve never been a cop, I don’t know what could actually be done when someone’s got the knife up here.

Ryan: Let me ask you this.

Bill: I don’t know but taser, I know that should be better marksmen, they don’t spend enough time on the range, that’s for sure. I remember the kid in Boston — the whole Boston police department fired their entire clips into the boat and couldn’t kill the motherfucker. He was hiding in that boat, it was 10 feet away. They got to spend more time on the range to me and maybe just one shot would’ve done it.

Cupp: Don’t tell me they’re not trained to aim for the leg, it’s too small a target, they are trained to aim for the chest. If that could be a problem.

Ryan: I’m going to go back to my premise. There is a difference in policing with one group versus the other.

Bill: No one’s denying that.

Ryan: I need to make this point as a black woman in America, I have to make this point. Did you see the videos this week on social media where there was a young man, a white man, had his gun opened and told police “I’ve got a gun I’m going to shoot you” and the police officer said “I see your gun” and he got away.

Bill: You could also find a zillion videos of cops killing white people, they do that too.

Ryan: There is a disproportionate number. It’s a very sensitive and hard issue this nation is dealing with.

Bill: Let’s talk about something fun like climate change. Because Biden is making big moves, he said at the climate summit yesterday that we are going to reduce — this is our attempt, greenhouse gas emissions by 50% by the end of the decade, that seems reasonable. Difficult but reasonable, we have to set the bar high, I think. Lindsey Graham, this is him a few days ago, “I’ve come to conclude climate change is real.”

[laughter]

Welcome to 1990, Lindsay, pull up a beanbag chair. He goes on to talk about the oceans and says “count me in on the idea that the science is real” — okay, great. So we have people like that, I feel like republicans still […]. I know you agree climate change is real but you also say how we handle it is still debatable. Isn’t what Biden is doing not debatable? Is that what we should just be doing? What is the debate? I’m not sure how long we can keep debating about what we should be doing.

I was first here 11 years ago and I think you and I have been talking about climate change in those 11 years, I have evolved a lot in my position not because you’ve yelled at me for ten years. Right? Because change doesn’t happen at the barrel of the gun, I’ve evolved in my position because the science is indisputable. I’ve watched the science and I have evolved in ways to solve I it. I think the problem is when you try to make change of the barrel of the gun tell people they are stupid and they can’t have questions, you can’t have a debate in science which is the closest to asking questions and getting to the truth, I just don’t think that gets a lot of converts to a because I know is really important to you.

Bill: but the science is settled on this one. I agree with you about science in general.

Texas has trumped science. If forgive the pun.

What does that mean?

What happened in Dallas?

Bill: losing electricity?

The power grid and they had temperatures below zero. The polar bears can’t find places to live anymore and let’s talk about Katrina, talk about what happened in the gulf coast. At some point it’s not just at the barrel of a gun, if you watch severity of stories.

But that’s how it should be, you watch the science happen. That’s how people like me evolved on this issue.

It takes too long to keep watching and it’s too late.

Believe me, I’ve covered a lot of issues you want change fast and you want to immediately come I get that. I want to change on gay rights before people were ready for it, I understand that. Long term meaningful change doesn’t happen by the rating people and telling them you’ve got to believe and if you don’t you’re stupid.

Bill: I don’t remember saying stupid but yes.

I’m sure you have.

Okay now.

Bill: I will concede that point. Because people who don’t believe in this are stupid. [Laughter] [applause] Here is one who is stupid, this guy Steve Kunin has a new book out, he had a serious job he was the undersecretary of science and the department of energy under Obama. He’s got credentials, he’s a professor, he’s not a moron. He also did used to work for British Petroleum, always a red flag for me because the only people who don’t get on the board with the science on this are people who work for oil companies but he’s got a book out that I think is just going to be — I hope no one reads it, please don’t. It’s called “unsettled.” But it’s not fucking unsettled and here is his stupid point. Maybe it won’t be so bad, we don’t know. Yes we don’t know, nothing is for sure, obviously, dumb point! There is lots of carbon already in the atmosphere, yes, of course, that’s part of the problem, dummy. We might invent something that would sequester carbon, yes, we might get ice cream in the mail tomorrow. It won’t work unless all the country’s sign on. Okay, let me attack this one. I’ve been hearing this forever, yes it won’t. The way to do that apparently s not just to wait until everybody signs — the way to do it is just to do it there to start doing things, to lead. [Applause] France banned all two our flights within the country, turtle hours and less. In other words, take the train, okay? Let’s start somewhere. If you don’t have to fly if it’s less than two hours, stuff like that. Amsterdam has done it, you just have to do it and make everybody else look like the pariah and they will.

What you do with China? They love themselves some coal.

Bill: So do we.

We are cutting back. We are looking for cleaner ways.

This is an argument I would have made, this is an argument a lot of people on the other side of this issue have made and what’s the alternative? I guess we can’t do anything then. I don’t think that’s the answer.

China does buy a lot of our coal, maybe we say no more.

Bill: I didn’t know we could do that. Just a button this up, earth overshoot day? I never heard of this but I did this year. This is the day when humanity has used all the biological resources the earth can renew during that year. We hit hours and 2020 on august august 22nd, we are currently using 60% more than what the planet can renew. Now for some comedy. It was for 20, did you celebrate for 20?

At what time? [Laughter]

Bill: The holiday.

What specific time of day, you gave me the day, was it 8:05?

Bill: It’s the day we celebrate, you know what for 20 years. [Laughter] It’s the pot holiday — it’s always been called the pot holiday always about marijuana, I want to say to the people who celebrate this as I do, it’s about so much more than just pot, it really is. It’s about getting fucked up on all kinds of drugs. It’s true. Mushrooms are having a moment, they really are. Mushrooms, they are legalized in Oregon, that’s pretty great. A study just came out, could you show this headline? It turns out in studies against the pharmaceutical antidepressant bullshit, the mushrooms do better. [Applause] They are already starting to make commercials to sell them, we found the first one, would you like to see it?

Are you not feeling you? Have you a general malaise by reality? Maybe it’s time to try Tripitor. These mushrooms when taken on an empty stomach in a dark room, Tripitor goes right to work on uptight the part of the brain that makes you where close and hold a job. Mushrooms go into the source of her depression by helping you realize that we are all the same organism, man. When the fire hydrant turns into a frog, that means it’s working. Don’t ask your doctor if mushrooms are right for you, just try them. Side effects may include becoming a wizard and a black light poster, petting a dog the wrong way, think of your poetry rocks, tolerance of jam bands, being able to smell the color red, corduroy pants, running into traffic to it escape a fire which commences the people tell you that you and on shaman, and a bad trip where Stephen Scull is doing it with your old lady and all you can do is watch because you are a tree. If you stare at your hand for more than four hours, call your doctor. Depression is a serious medical condition, do not take mushrooms if you are a member of the doors, do not talk to the coyote, do not operate heavy equipment as it has heavy right in the name. Do not look at the coyote, do not take mushrooms one meeting or significant others parents. Don’t do anything with the coyote, okay? Try it once and never stop talking about it.

[Cheers and applause] [laughter]

Bill: Have you ever done mushrooms?

I eat them, the ones that you cook.

Bill: I mean the fun ones. You never would?

No, I’m a serious journalist.

[Laughter] [applause]

Bill: I knew there was a difference between us! I’m a serious journalist and I am me. I’m not been able to promote a show, I’m going to get verklempt here — I’m going to be playing in Florida in June. I can’t wait to get on the road again, I think it’s the 19th in the 20th, I’m going to read it at the end of the show. Things are opening up, we’ve all had a rough five years. Trump plus Covid was such a one-two punch.

Cupp: Punch in the dick.

Ryan: Punch in the what?!?

Bill: She said at! She is not a serious journalist like you.

[Laughter] [applause]

Cupp: I forgot how to do this. I forgot where I was.

Ryan: All right, I see…

Cupp: I temporarily forgot where I was.

Bill: You’re exactly in the right place. We all deserve a breather, which we got after the election and so forth and now things are getting better, we need to have some fun for a while. I just want people to understand that we have not moved 1 inch in solving the fundamental problem that we had six months ago which is that people of the United States hate each other and will not work with each other. This is the essential problem, there is new polling. First of all, 78% of republicans say Biden was not legitimately — did not legitimately win the election. That’s just from April 10th.

Ryan: That is ridiculous.

Bill: Of course it’s ridiculous. 45% think the attacks of the Capitol went too far but had a point. 51% said the party’s leaders did not go far enough to support Trump, his contention that he won the election. Back in December there was a survey, I read “The biggest threat to America’s way of life” — the results from Americans, 8% think it’s foreign, 17% it’s natural disasters, viruses, obviously that was on their minds. 20% think economic forces, 54%, biggest threat to America’s way of life “other people” in America. In America.

Ryan: “Other.” Code word.

Bill: I’m saying take a breather, enjoy yourself but the right wing has not self deported. They aren’t close to being interested in rebranding and as far as January 6th in the attack on the Capitol, the lesson they took from that was we must never let that happen again and by happen, I mean democracy.

Cupp: Exactly. If your biggest idea, your biggest problem is there’s too much democracy and too much voting, we got to crack down on that, too much speech in protesting, we got to crack down on that, too much access to information, let’s crackdown on that. What a punch in the gut. For the party, the republican party that makes pornography of patriotism and practically fellates the founding fathers… It is jarring and disorienting to watch them attack America this way!

Ryan: We know where her mind is tonight! You said “fellates the founding fathers.”

Cupp: I think I lost all my f’s.

Ryan: “fellates the founding fathers.” You can’t do that, no.

Bill: That’s exactly what they do.

Ryan: This is the party of Donald John Trump, gone are the days of Reagan, gone are the days of HW, gone are the days of W — this is Donald John Trump’s party.

Cupp: He’s gone. But he’s not gone.

Ryan: Right. The Trump is a mentality. It’s there, we saw it on January 6th, the only reason why there are people trying to say that it happened because of this is because they got caught. They found out it was wrong. I’m going to say this but I’m trying not to be a prognosticator of doom, I’m not going down the sex road you have gone, I’m going to tell you something — 2022, watch what happens at the polls. Trump is still  here.

Bill: He’s still here! It’s like the shark that went back out to see but we need a bigger boat. But we did not kill the shark.

Cupp: Is not even close. Of republicans are still being rewarded for doubling down on Trump’s.

Bill: He’s still going to run again!

Ryan: If he is not in jail.

Bill: He’s not going to be in jail.

We’ll see. I’ll tell you something those lawsuits but January 6th, if you have a proud boy calling Bennie Thompson who started the lawsuit who wants to talk to him, you did what you did, you cannot talk to him. There is a problem. They are falling on an old civil rights law and they may have some teeth, more people are joining in. Do you realize, I cannot express this anymore. Do you realize the executive branch of government waged war on the legislative branch of government?

Bill: Of course.

They not only waged war they are looking to kill people, the vice president they erected a noose in the gallows because president Trump said they didn’t like him. This is serious.

I haven’t met any who are ashamed of it. Or embarrassed by it.

Bill: I’m always trying to focus on the future here, not just the past.

What’s good to happen next? The fire in the belly is still there.

Bill: Let me just tell you.

Why don’t you tell me the movie you want to see?

Bill: It was 2020 last year, we had a census, they are counting, that means redistricting. Republicans will drive the redistricting process in 20 states, democrats in just 11 because they got the legislatures, they have federal judges. This is the kind of stuff that goes on behind the scenes of people don’t notice that’s going on right now that’s actually changing your life in the future. They could get the house just in newly created districts. New York, Illinois, and California are expected to lose congressional seats, that’s just population moving out — I know why they leave here. [Laughter] Texas is expected to gain three and Florida is expected to gain two, so that’s the reality. Put that in combination of this idea of how much they just did not accept the loss. Does anybody ever say to these people you’re just fucking sore losers? [Applause] elections, it’s always pretty much a 50-50 proposition, you win some, you’ll lose some but no, you’d rather hypnotize yourself into believing he won this one to the point where you mentioned protests, they have these we are going to run you over laws. Where is it, Iowa? And Oklahoma and Florida already had it, of course, Florida.

They have immunity.

Of people are protesting in the street, immunity for running your car — you would rather run people over then admit you lost an election.

Tell that to heather higher who died in Charlottesville — he would’ve had a great case. He used that car as his deaf def mobile. He not only killed her but he injured other people. You’re going to give her immunity? I hate to say this but republicans love to use the quotes of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. but before he died, before he became a martyr, he was a marcher. They don’t remember that. He marched like Heather Heier and all of these other people, and they want to use cars to intimidate.

Not only that, republicans of 81 new anti-protest laws around the country against stuff that’s already illegal, looting is already illegal, stuff that’s already on the books they want to make super extra illegal or more punishable. Misdemeanors become felonies but this is what it looks like when you’re out of ideas. If this is what it looks like when you’d rather […] to democracy come up with their own ideas. They are done with their ideas.

Bill: That’s your party, is it not? So what is your solution to your party being out of ideas?

I’m voting with my wallet, and voting with my mouth, bloated with my feet, I voted for Joe Biden and I’m not supporting this party. I’m calling out this party in any way, no one’s listening.

Bill: George W. Bush I saw was in the news this week he’s got a book he’s selling and he said he wrote in the Condoleezza Rice which is such a cowardly thing, just don’t vote, okay, I get it. It was only two choices, it’s America, you get two choices, one is better than the other.

It wasn’t even hard this yea year.

Bill: He’s got an approval rating now — wow, 33% when he left and 61%, among democrats. If he went up from 11% to 54% approval, what’s going on there? Is that just because Trump, we saw with the worst could be?

Juxtaposed Trump to w — they see him coming together with the other living presidents who happen to be democratic and he’s working with them. I’m going to be honest with you, this might seem trite but the way he falls into the arms of Michelle Obama, that shows you a humanity thing.

I don’t think anyone has increased affection for his policies, a lot of them were worse today. But I think there’s a lot of renewed affection for him personally. I think that is Trump’s lasting legacy.

Bill: He wasn’t trying to enrich himself like Trump was come I think he truly believed, he was just raised in that mind-set.

He started painting for his mind.

Bill: I’m not going to give up on the idea that he was a shit president. But I was too hard on him. I realize that.

In a recession, when he left it was horrible. We had more, we had financial — we had death tolls.

Bill: He was at shitty president. I was still a little too hard on him.

I hear from democrats all the time, we did Romney Dirty, that was a good man we call the monster.

Romney flip-flops a lot.

Next to Trump, I’ll take it.

Bill: Thank you, I’ve got to go to new rules.

[Cheers and applause]

New rule: someone needs to tell women’s magazine editors to stop inventing lists of sexy places to touch your boyfriend. Trust me. It’s not a list, [laughter] and it’s been [applause] popular for about 300,000 years. New rule: the inventor of Shittens – the toilet paper shaped like a mitten – has to tell us what happened that gave him the idea. [Laughter] I have so many questions. So yes, I do want to meet you. But no, I don’t want to shake your hand. [Laughter] [applause] New rule: from this day forward, this look will be known as “arresting bitch face.” [Laughter] [applause] New rule: now that arch conservatives Jim Caviezel and Lin Wood are sounding the alarm about adrenochrome, which is the belief that liberals literally drink the blood of terrified children for a psychoactive effect, I have one thing to say to you: don’t knock it till you try it. [Laughter] [applause] It’s really good, man. The only downside is, sometimes after you drink the kid’s blood it takes forever to kick in. So you get impatient and drink more children’s blood, and then – uh-oh! This is gonna be a night! [Laughter] [applause] New rule: Matt Gaetz’s spokesman, Harlan Hill, has to prove he’s not underage. [Laughter] who is this guy, he looks like the accountant for the lollipop guild. [Laughter] But as Matt Gaetz’s spokesman, Harlan has two questions: “doesn’t it behoove us to re-instate due process to its rightful constitutional standing” – and, “do you guys want to ride bikes?” [Laughter] [applause] And finally, new rule. Three months into his presidency, it’s time to admit that Joe Biden has been a huge disappointment. To comedians. [Laughter] [applause] All the jokes we were stockpiling about ancient, doddering “sleepy Joe”? Useless. The man has been nothing short of sharp, focused and completely on top of things. We were expecting a font of comedy gold about a senile geezer showing up to work in his pajama bottoms and plowing his motorcade into a farmer’s market. [Laughter] Forget the dog – he was going to bite someone on the south lawn. [Laughter] [applause] But a funny thing happened on the way to the old-age home: Biden slayed the orange dragon and is now spearheading the most transformative administration since FDR with an approval rating of 59%. [Cheers and applause] Even the Joe Biden tics and gaffes that used to bug us, the hair smelling and the getting lost in a sentence and the challenging of random people to a fight in the parking lot – gone. Biden stepped up his game – yes, he got better at 78. What a mind-blowing concept that must be to the younger generations for whom writing someone off simply for their age is the last acceptable prejudice. [Applause] Oh yes, they hate every ism except ageism. It’s completely forbidden to tell any joke about race, gender, religion, weight – but age? Have at it. Did you ever go down the greeting card aisle at CVS? Every card for anyone over 60 is the same joke: “Happy Birthday. I’m surprised your dick hasn’t fallen off.” [Laughter] [applause] Now, the excuse for this prejudice has always been “we’re a young country.” I’ve been hearing that my whole life: “America’s a young country.” Well, tonight I’d just like to say this: America – you’re not that young anymore. It’s time to stop doing stupid, teenage, immature things, and number one on that list is not getting the most fundamental tradeoff in life: you’re beautiful when you’re young, wise when you’re old. [Cheers and applause] This is the only country in the world dumb enough not to get this most basic, intuitive, obvious, file-it-under-duh concept: that if, as they say, you learn something new every day, it stands to reason someone who’s logged 10,000 more days is going to be, in general, wiser. Life is a series of patterns. You don’t see it the first time – because it’s not a pattern yet – but by the third time, you go “okay, I get it now.” Yes societies need youthful energy and fresh eyes on problems and it’s true it takes young people to start a revolution. But Joe Biden is the right man for this moment precisely because he is old. Been there, done that can be a virtue. He’s getting things done on [applause] wealth inequality, Afghanistan, racial justice and climate change that keyboard warriors only dream about while muttering, “okay, boomer.” [Laughter] Young, dumb and full of cum – there’s a season for that, but [laughter] right now I’ll take old, stooped and full of soup. [Laughter] [applause] And yet, instead of finding Biden’s age an asset, in America it was his biggest obstacle. In the run-up to the last election, 37% of Americans were unabashed about telling pollsters they flat out wouldn’t vote for someone over 70. Is there anything more piss-ignorant than not using old people as a resource, not taking advantage of their accumulated knowledge? [Applause] Everywhere else in the world elders are sought for guidance. In America, elders are sought for TikTok pranks. [Laughter] In Greece, “old man” is a compliment, not something you scream after, “get out of my way.” [Laughter] [applause] In India, young people touch old people’s feet to show reverence. Japan has a national holiday called Keiro no Hi: Respect for the Aged Day. Do you know the reason why advertisers in this country love the 18-34 demographic? Because it’s the most gullible. A third of people under 35 say they’re in favor of abolishing the police – not defunding, but doing away with a police force altogether, which is less of a policy position and more of a leg tattoo. [Laughter] 36% of millennials think it might be a good idea to try communism. But much of the world did try it. I know, millennials think that doesn’t count because they weren’t alive when it happened, but it did happen, and there are people around who remember it. Pining for communism is like pining for Betamax or Myspace. [Laughter] So when you say, you’re old, you don’t get it – get what – abolish the police? And the border patrol? And capitalism? And cancel Lincoln? No, I get it; the problem isn’t that I don’t get what you’re saying, or that I’m old; the problem is that your ideas are stupid. [Cheers and applause]If you say “let’s eat in the bathroom and shit in the kitchen,” yeah, that’s a new idea, [laughter] but I wouldn’t call it “interior design.” You think someone 80 is hopeless because they can’t use an iPhone? Maybe the one who’s hopeless is the one who can’t stop using it. [Applause] You think I’m out of it because I’m not on twitch? Maybe I “get” twitch, but I just think people watching other people play video games is a waste of fucking time. [Cheers and applause] 20% of gen z agree with the statement “society would be better off if all property was owned by the public and managed by the government,” and another 29% say they “don’t know” if that’s a good idea. Here’s who does know: anyone who wasn’t born yesterday. Okay, that’s our show. We’ll be back next week. I’ll be at the Ruth Eckerd hall in clearwater and performing in Sarasota June 20th. I want to thank my guests S.E. Cupp, April Ryan and Fran Lebowitz. Thank you, folks!

[Cheers and applause]

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[cheers and applause]

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