Real Time with Bill Maher – S19E12 [Transcript]

Air date: April 16, 2021. Monologue: Too Old For This S**t. New Rule: Give It to Me Straight, Doc. The Interview: Sharon Osbourne. The Panel: Ian Bremmer & Rosa Brooks.
Real Time with Bill Maher - S19E12

Real Time with Bill Maher
Season 19 Episode 12
Air date: April 16, 2021

Monologue: Too Old For This S**t

New Rule: Give It to Me Straight, Doc

The Interview: Sharon Osbourne is a television personality and former co-host on CBS’ The Talk.

The Panel: Ian Bremmer is the president of geopolitical risk firm Eurasia Group and GZERO Media who hosts “GZERO World” on PBS.
Rosa Brooks is a law and policy professor at Georgetown School of Lawand founder of the Transition Integrity Project. She is the author of “Tangled Up In Blue: Policing the American City” and “How Everything Became War and the Military Became Everything.”

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Bill: Thank you, people, how are you doing? Thank you, thank you, thank you. [Cheers and applause] I appreciate it, thank you so much. Thank you, you are so kind, I appreciate that. Thank you, coming into my classroom, I see the same faces. We love you for doing that for us. I’m so excited because 4/20, there is only four copping day left. I’m excited, I haven’t even started my baking but I just know it’s going to be a great holiday. If you are squares and you don’t know, 4/20 is the holiday — it’s where you stay home from work, get stoned all day and eat junk food. Previously known as 2020. [Laughter] [applause] But I’m going to start with some good news, we are going to finally get out of Afghanistan, that is the big political news this week. Wow, Joe Biden. America is not anymore the world’s policeman, if we were, we would have shot them. [Laughter] I mean, wow. All the news, shootings, police, citizens — another horrible shooting today, eight people in Indianapolis, we have had 45 mass shootings in the last month. In a related story, our long-term study on the effectiveness of thoughts and prayers is in, it doesn’t work. We’ve studied it this latest atrocity, it happened right in Minneapolis while the trial is going on, it turns out the guy was pulled over because he had an air freshener hanging from his rearview mirror, which apparently is actually an illegal thing in five states, air freshener hanging from your mirror come apparently it’s very dangerous. Yet, it can lead to getting pulled over and shot by the cop cops. [Laughter] I’m trying to be fair to the cops too but come on, fellas, ladies — the good news is Joe Biden is kicking ass, 59% approval rating, 72% approve of what he’s doing with Covid, including 55% of republicans. [Applause] A lot of republicans are saying are we glad this guy stole the election. Getting out of Afghanistan is a big fucking deal, to quote joe himself. It took presidents before him Obama and trump said they would do it, promise to end the war, Biden just fucking did it. [Cheers and applause] He overruled the general’s, he’s president “I’m too old for this shit.” [Laughter] Getting out of Afghanistan is not going over well with everybody, they do see Lindsey Graham? He’s taking it very hard to. He knows where our boys should be. [Laughter] No, he’s not happy about getting out of Afghanistan, I saw him on the talk shows he had that look on his face it looks like he got the church and another lady was wearing the same hat. [Laughter] [applause] Come on, Afghanistan, 20 years, Matt Gaetz’s girlfriends weren’t even born when this war started, it’s about time. More allegations, Matt Gaetz is in trouble. Young women now are talking to CNN this weekend, they were talking about the parties used to have. Cocaine, ecstasy, pill popping, lots of sex, who knew republicans could party like this? [Laughter] It sounds like an orgy and you know republican orgies are little different. [Laughter] How so, bill? I’ll tell you how. If you hear somebody saying “who’s your daddy” they are trying to verify a ballot signature. [Laughter] [cheers and applause] You are a great crowd, thank you. Matt Gaetz says he is innocent of any sexual impropriety, he says it’s all a big misunderstanding. He said yes, I pulled out my dick in front of a 17-year-old, I thought it was a taser. [Laughter] They are shameless, these republicans. Sadness in Great Britain today, they are burying prince Philip, you saw he died last week at 99 and the queen is already dating hunter Biden. [Laughter] It makes sense, he has a thing for widows and she has a thing for bad teeth. [Laughter] And they are both open to sex with relatives. [Laughter] Anyway, are you sitting down? Big news this week, the bachelor came out as gay. You didn’t see? This is big stuff. There were clues that Colton Underwood — he said on the show he hadn’t dated many women, he called himself an accidental virgin and on the last episode when he proposed to Liza Minnelli — [laughter] Okay, we’ve got a great show, Ian Bremmer and Rosa Brooks are here. But first, she’s the tv personality who after eleven seasons is the last of the original co-hosts to leave the CBS show “The Talk,” please welcome: Sharon Osbourne. See? They still love you. [Cheers and applause] Hello.

How are you?

Bill: Look at that. [Cheers and applause] That’s nice. Aren’t you glad you came was not just hear that. Obviously you are here to talk about Brexit — do you believe? No. [Laughter] I’ve been hearing about all the people around your little scandal have been doing, how are you is what I wanted to ask first of all.

So many different things. I’m angry, I’m hurt.

Bill: But you always were a strong one.

I’m a fighter.

Bill: Oh, we know that one. [Applause] Let’s do a quick recap of the tragic events of 3/10. So on your ironically titled show “The Talk” you were talkin talking. And if there is one lesson from this it’s that’s not allowed anymore. I just want to say my view is nothing happened but on your show I don’t think anything happened because what happened was a few weeks before, may be the week before I watched it, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry gave their interview with Oprah, then your friend Piers Morgan, he’s a commentator in Britain, he said he didn’t believe things that Meghan Markle said. Then on your show you said he’s a good friend of mine and I don’t agree with his opinion but he’s entitled to his opinion.

Exactly.

Bill: He was called a racist and lost his job and you were called a racist and lost your job, do I have it right?

You got it right, that’s exactly how it went.

Bill: Who is the racist and why? This is what I’m trying to figure out.

Me too. If I’ve been called so many things in my life, I am so used to being called names but a racist is one I will not take. If [applause]

Bill: It’s an insult if you’re not one. I don’t understand the other side of the argument there. In other words, you have to agree with everything Meghan Markle says or you are a racist, is this the standard now? Unless you agree with every person of color — that seems insane.

I’m trying to go back and think of the words that somebody who is meant to be an expert in woke language has as acceptable today.

Bill: It is a whole language.

Saying it took away her feelings and she’s entitled to her feelings. And she was stripped of those by Pierce. And she was having mental problems because she was unhappy, so he was stripping her of her feelings which she’s entitled to.

Bill: Meghan Markle?

Yes.

Bill: Is she even aware? It’s very difficult as you know now, I’m sure when she got married to Prince Harry, she thought it was going to be like a Disney movie, I’m marrying a prince.

She said she felt like the Little Mermaid. [Laughter]

Bill: Right, reality sets in and being the princess is really cutting the ribbon at some waste management facility opening in Shitville. I’m sure the royal family was called to her, could that have been because of racism? Possibly. The old bag is 100. [Laughter] [applause] I think there’s an element of that in there, race, they are from the empire, the old school but also I think they are just cold, to every one.

She’s from a different generation.

Bill: They are cold people, some of it was racism and some she probably took as racism, they are cold to everybody, gir girl. [Applause]

They are notoriously nonhugy. I get it, because of her age, she’s a different generation.

Bill: Piers Morgan I’ve heard you say on Reddit somewhere, this is an old friend of yours, you said that you slapped him.

You had terrible fights.

Bill: You got drunk together, he’s seen your tits.

Just one. [Laughter] [applause]

Bill: Just a friend.

He’s just a mate of mine.

Bill: Then how did he see a tit? [Laughter] It’s a reasonable question.

Behave. So anyway, yes I did slap Pierce, we had a fight one night and it was brilliant and we make up the next day.

Bill: Right. You mentioned this, I have the exact quote, it’s from Elaine Welter off, she’s one of your cohosts or was — I think when you deny a woman or a woman of color their truth and their experiences, you’re not just denying them, you’re denying every woman of color who sees them selves in this story — to deny a woman, he’s doubting her. That’s not the same as denying. You’re entitled to your thing and I’m entitled to doubt.

She’s entitled to her opinion, Pierce is entitled to his. That’s what it’s all about [cheers and applause] you’re entitled to have a disagreement, discuss it in a normal way.

Bill: All this drama over somebody saying “I don’t agree with my friend but he’s entitled to his opinion.” Or even I do agree with him, would have been okay with him in my book. I didn’t agree with everything she said, she said Harry had the weight of the world on his shoulders. It really? He is sixth in line for a job that has no responsibility. No power.

You know when they say white privilege, right there, with Harry. Right there. He is the poster boy. He sits there and says daddy cut him off, so he’s not on the wages anymore. And he was boo-hoo about it, you can’t feel empathy for that because you’re a healthy, bright, educated young man, you can do everything you want to do, your life is your own.

Bill: They are living in a giant mansion next door to open

Is great!

Bill: Let’s let everyone —

Just do your thing, that’s all. Disagreeing with somebody does not make you a racist.

Bill: Of course not, let’s get on to the other part of it which is that — [applause] this is the part of the culture that I’m not loving where everyone is a snitch now? If something comes out — your current host said they never heard you say anything racist but some of the past ladies, they said you talk shit.

You can say it.

Bill: Asian slur, lesbian slur — we don’t condone any bad language anywhere but I’m just saying first of all we are talking about four ladies. I know men are dogs.

And we are bitches.

Bill: You said it, not me.

That’s the way it goes. “Jesus, did you see what she was just wearing” and you go “hi, you look great.”

Bill: You are owning talking shit about them.

They use the wrong term.

Bill: They said it about you

I never said that Leah Rimini — I don’t even use those words, they are not in my vocabulary. For Holly, I think I said it all when I printed the text that she sent me after she said I got her fired, in the text she says “I know it was Julie, I’m thinking of suing.” It’s disgruntled ladies.

Bill: What about this story now that I’m reading, about someone who is Iranian who you called a Persian something —

They gate crashed my husband’s and my wedding anniversary, they were not invited. I was on chemo. I don’t know this person.

Bill: Not a guest of the guest?

Don’t know them, she gate crashed a party, she won a raffle which was a diamond necklace and she took it.

Bill: wWell, she won it. She did win the raffle are you saying she cheated on that too? Anyone who would crash a party would cheat on a raffle.

It was a very personal thing, we had our 25th wedding anniversary, I was coming back from cancer, she took the necklace and I said I’ll tell you what, I don’t know what I said to her but it wasn’t very nice. And I told her to bring the fucking t necklace now you bitch face whatever because I’ve had it. You ruined my party, I don’t even know you.

Bill: Maybe this wasn’t your finest hour, my point would be we can’t judge everybody by their worst moment. How about just — I shouldn’t do that, you did issue an apology for this and I was like I read in it the words I’m going to educate myself, we can all do better, of course, we can all do better but this idea in culture now that people need to reeducate themselves, indoctrinate themselves. I’m sorry, I’m 65, your 68, I know who I am. I don’t need reeducation. Do you need reeducation? You’ve been around the world, you’re married to a rock star, you’ve been with the a-listers and rock ‘n’ roll and fuck, you need to race, tell me all about it. It’s fantasy. People are who they are.

This word they throw out about the “cancel culture” and what are you doing? I’m going to be fine.

Bill: I don’t read the tabloids every week “everyone is lining up to get Sharon Osbourne’s first interview.” Wait, I’m right here, I did it. Don’t worry about Sharon, she’s not looking for work, it’s looking for her. There have been offers for Sharon to host her own solo show even talking about working with Piers Morgan on a late night politically incorrect show.” I done a show called politically incorrect!

That’s not true, however I’m a fighter, I’m fine, I’m doing just fine, what about the people who are cut from the knees down and they can’t afford to go get lessons on what politically correct and how to talk to people? What happens to them? It’s not fair because it isn’t about being a racist, it’s about not knowing what is correct and woke for your language that day. It changes from day-to-day, what is correct and what isn’t. You read white fragility.

Bill: That woman gave you the book white fragility.

I read it and some of it is very informative and the other I’m like I don’t agree with you.

Bill: I don’t have to agree with everything. The idea is you have two choices if you are white, you are either a racist or a racist and you don’t know it. I’m not down with that.

I’m not done with that either.

Bill: I know who raised me, I know who my friends are, I know how I’ve treated people.

You cannot blanket any race, there is good and bad in every race, you don’t a blanket a blanket.

Bill: We’ll see you on the next show. Sharon Osbourne, everybody! Let’s meet our panel! He’s the president of Eurasia Group and Gzero Media who hosts PBS’ “Gzero World with Ian Bremmer”: Ian Bremmer. She’s the former senior Pentagon official under president Obama and author of the new book “Tangled Up In Blue: Policing the American City”: Rosa Brooks. [Cheers and applause] With all the policing in the news in the last week or so I said to my staff can you book me a brilliant journalist to quit her job in her 40s to actually become a cop, give me a list. And you are the only one on the list.

I shouldn’t have been on the list, I didn’t actually quit my job.

Bill: But you became a cop. What did you learn from that experience that would help us get through this difficult moment in American history?

Here’s a dirty little secret about cops, they don’t really get much training in how to use their weapons. When I went through the police academy, we had two weeks in firearms training, you qualify, your done, twice a year you requalify, you watch a few PowerPoint slides.

Bill: This is what I thought.

You have a lot of people walking around with weapons who don’t really know what they are doing.

Bill: Interesting. It seemed to be the theme, a lot of it is cynicism.

Yeah.

Bill: Is really the overarching problem. Racism is part of it, a lot of things are part of it but they are just beaten down.

We asked cops to be social workers and medics and warriors and mediators and any one of those jobs is really hard and most people can’t do any one of those jobs really well. If you asked some 25-year-olds do all of them in the same 10-hour shift, they are going to do them really badly. Suicide kills more cops every single year than every other because combined.

Bill: that you see Pat Robertson is speaking out against the cops?

He came across as woke in that interview, the only time I would ever use that word for him.

Bill: I don’t know if he’s literally woke. Come on. You also said you think most cops are decent, compassionate people. I do too.

Most people don’t wake up in the morning saying I’m going to fuck some people’s lives up-to-date — some people do but they are working in a system that even if you are a good cop you are going to screw people’s lives up.

Bill: I was gratified to see in your book there are a number of things I’ve been staying here for many years. I said last week on the show. It’s not in the top ten of risky jobs. We get it, there is danger and certainly a lot of stress. It’s right in your book, it’s not in your top ten. My thing is at some point they got in their head that if they are in any danger at all, just empty the clip into what’s making you nervous. That is more than anything else what has to stop. They are too jittery. And you say it’s put in their head.

You watch the videos over and over of cops getting killed and cops get killed, but not that many of them actually get killed because most people aren’t trying to kill them. But if all you hear over and over is there’s no such thing as a routine call, any situation can turn lethal in a millisecond, then you go into all of your interactions primed to think everybody is a threat to peer to somebody reaches into their pocket you don’t think they are reaching for a tissue or their phone, you think they’re going to kill you and you get panicky cops without much weapons training and they shoot and people end up dead.

Bill: This guy who got tasered, did he even need to be tased? He was resisting arrest, he was trying to drive away but was it that important to stop him? What if you tased someone while they’re driving? Out with looking at a worse accident?

There are a lot of countries around the world, wealthy democracies who have police forces, we don’t see this problem. This country is so incredibly divided. “A blue lives matter” has become a political litmus test for which country in the United States you are a part of. If you remember the police force, you’re automatically on one side of that. That makes it so much harder to do the right thing or to interfere when someone has their knee on someone’s neck and is taking their life.

Bill: We aren’t really allowed to have two thoughts in our heads at the same time. The two thoughts here would be “there is absolutely no excuse for what happened to these people when they got shot, but it’s also good advice — don’t resist arrest.” It’s not an excuse for the cop shooting this person, but that just never ends well. That is not the place to make your stand.

One thing I think people lose sight of — although less and less because I think the debate about policing has really changed in healthy ways in this country is that cops don’t make the laws they enforce, we are the bozos who vote for the bozos who make the stupid laws that lead cops to arrest people for stupid stuff.

Bill: Like the air freshener. Of these fucking legislators sit around all day trying to justify their job, right dumb laws and somebody has to enforce the law.

They don’t, actually. Hang on a second, there are laws we don’t need to enforce but if we pass them and say to the cops you do it, they go do it.

Bill: That’s what I’m saying.

I was thinking about this, you all may remember, I did not remember April 15th is when IRS estimated taxes were due.

Bill: Not this year.

If you forget.

Bill: We give up on Monday, we are just printing it.

If you miss that deadline, the IRS doesn’t send a guide to the front door the next day, they send you a nasty letter and they send you another nasty letter and another nasty letter and that goes on for about six years. Eventually you might get a summons.

Bill: Tell that to Wesley Snipes.

We’ve decided as a country that we want to have armed uniformed people enforce civil regulations and inevitably that means more traffic stops, more people died because those interactions are really fraught. It’s crazy, we don’t need to do that, we don’t need to do it at all. There’s absolutely no reason to pull people over for stupid stuff like that. We can have speed cameras and civilians who write tickets based on license plate number, we can decide the air freshener is one of those things we have to live with it.

We do know raises an issue, I’m aware of the fact that we are three white folks talking about this right now.

Bill: That’s okay, three white people are allowed to talk.

We are allowed to.

Bill: I’m sorry every show can’t be a Benetton ad. You kind of are — it’s always like —

It’s more just that the structural racism that is in the system that is far deeper than policing is something where if you are a black person being pulled over, resisting arrest is a hell of a lot more dangerous, that’s the point I want to make. [Applause]

Bill: It’s so deep in the system that in the Freddie Gray tragedy, atrocity, the entire higher echelon was black. The mayor was black, the chief of police were black, some of the officers — that’s how deep the system it goes. Rashida Tlaib who was the congresswoman — I see you rolling your eyes — from Detroit. That’s your tail.

It is mitel. My tell.

Bill: She’s calling for no more policing or incarceration, the criminals will be on the honor system? I thought d phoned the police would be a terrible slogan, but no police? The democrats Achilles’ heel — common sense. Common sense. You strike people as having not any common sense when you say things — I’m sorry.

I just wish we weren’t spending so much time broadly in the country treating Rashida Tlaib and Marjorie Taylor Greene as some sort of icons of where the parties are trying to become one of the face trying to be cum of are saying are thoroughly senseless.

Bill: That’s what the media is trying to recover.

She’s got a point to.

Bill: No policing?

Terrible slogan.

Bill: this is no police.

Even abolish the police, bad slogan.

Bill: Really bad policy.

If we get beyond the rhetoric, just say reimagine public safety, what do we need armed people for? And some things for sure but other things not actually.

Bill: Don’t say what you don’t mean, then you mean reform. Then you mean do it differently, don’t say “abolish.” I don’t get this argument. Reading my mind, here’s what I say.

They say I’m only kidding about the actual abolish part pretty quickly, it’s not healthy.

Bill: Let’s go to Afghanistan because this is depressing and it’s going to be depressing.

It’s all depressing.

Bill: I’m sorry, the fact that Biden did this, I’ve got to say, this is our longest war if you don’t count the war on drugs. [Cheers and applause] And I’ve heard we wanted to get out for the longest time, I remember Ron Paul used to say about Iraq, we can’t leave, we marched income a we can march right out. By god, he was right. If we can just click our heels and find out we could always go home. And we can. Finally we have a president with the balls to say I know the other side of this is not going to look good, it is going to be a bloodbath, they are going to be playing soccer with people’s heads 2 minutes after we are gone. But what he seems to be saying is for 20 years, it didn’t change, we could be there another five or ten, the second we leave it’s going to go back to that, what can we do? As the Caliban said you have the watches, we have the time.

I’m with you but keep in mind we can’t give him credit yet, he’s made the statement, we are still there.

Bill: If he said we are out by 9/11 and made that big announcement, banner headlines and didn’t do it? He’s gonna do it. They will be gone by 9/11.

Biden had said before when he was vice president they would be out before the end of the Obama administration, it didn’t happen. He’s he’s the president now, it’s much more him. Trump said they wanted to be out in the can got kicked too. 20 Years, a trillion dollars, 2500 American servicemen dead, there’s no question, this is not a popular policy to continue for this president. A 70% of Americans say they want out. It’s not all that hard for Biden to say let’s get out.

Bill: It certainly was hard for the last two guys so I am giving him credit. He seems to be doing what they couldn’t do. It’s that some can cost. I already gave the gypsy $100,000, I better keep going with it. I’m already in it so deep.

It’s very unfair to Joe Biden, people would always quote that former defense secretary Bob Gates saying Biden was wrong about every issue for decades and I think it turns out he was right about quite a lot of them. The rest of us were wrong. I give him a huge amount of credit.

Bill: I think he will be — I’m saying this after less than 100 days — he looks to me like the president we will compare to Truman. He says I’m too old for this shit, what are they going to do?

He’s going to be remembered borrowing any unforeseen crises of which there are many, he will be remembered for the largest expansion program since the New Deal but I will tell you saying you are going to get out on 9/11 — if 9/11 is going to be a big deal around this announcement, the Caliban — love that.

Bill: He’s just acknowledging the fact they already won, he’s talking about zombie lies, we coined that term and I’ve seen it in other places. One of the zombie lies, these are lies that are proven wrong a long time ago but live on. One of them with this is what we needed to be there to stop the plotting for the next 9/11. Okay, they don’t need a country to plot, they plotted the last one in Hamburg, Germany, they just need a room. And they have most of Afghanistan anyway. Anyone in the world can plot the next 9/11 from anywhere, we don’t have to be in Afghanistan to stop the next plot. It’s so stupid to.

We have the ability to send in special forces, we have intelligence, if you’re trying to stop terrorism, you don’t need to be on the ground. We are trying to improve the lives of afghan people, we are going to be the world’s leading vaccine exporter in a few months, we can help them. There are things we can do. Writing 20 years, if this was a bad relationship, the kids would be in college by now.

The kids would be and are in the army by now.

Bill: Sometimes when a foreigner gives a kid a vaccine, you know what the caliban does? They cut off the arm. I’m getting that from apocalypse now but that kind of shit —

It’s going to be bad with us or without us.

Bill: That’s why it’s a gutsy decision because there is going to be, I had to say that. For those people who think California is just a bunch of hippies and hipsters is a lot of right-wingers in this state, so this picture from Huntington beach, look at, they had a “white lives matter.” Rally in Huntington beach. We sent one of our reporters and he got some pictures of some of the signs that were holding up, would you like to see them? These are a little different from a white lives matter. There was “no mayonnaise, no peace! [Laughter] Je suis Karen! They are fired up but in the wrong direction. [Laughter] I sunburn easily and I vote! Free Lori Loughlin. [Laughter] These people. [Laughter] The whole world is binge-watching! [Laughter] [applause] We’re the ones we’ve been waiting for – and they won’t seat us until we’re all here. [Laughter] Married to the same woman for over 35 years. Blue balls matter! [Laughter] Stop hating me for hating you! [Laughter] If Q isn’t real, then who’s the guy I’ve been blowing? [Laughter] [cheers and applause] Another place Biden is doing great is environment, he is not talking loudly about it but everything really is funneled toward that, that’s a lot with the infrastructure bill is. There is a virtual climate summit coming up that china is participating in, John Kerry is our representative which is great. It’s so great to have smart people back doing important jobs. [Cheers and applause] It’s nice to know that the head of homeland security isn’t Ivanka’s wedding planner, just little signs of normalcy. Basically we have to find a way, we have a lot of problems with china these days. We have to find a way we are saying to cooperate just on this one issue. Even if we can’t come to agreement on everything else. It’s like when mom and dad are divorced and they hate each other but they make a truce to go to the daughter’s wedding? We got to do that with china. If the problem is in Fox News crazy land, Biden is completely soft on China, he’s trying his best friend, this is their bullshit they are selling now. It’s to a point where they are saying we should boycott the Olympics which is in china, one of the new ones coming up, one of the delayed ones that she don’t think we should boycott the Olympics?

No, we should boycott the Olympics but they are vulnerable on the Olympics. Back in 2008 when they hosted the Beijing Olympics the last time, the big deal, the coming-out party for China, Xi Jinping was in charge of that personally. He was the guy figuring out, he knew where the bathrooms were going. This was very personal.

Bill: He was the Mitt Romney.

He is deeply concerned that he’s going to take a lot of political flack. Behind the scenes you got Chinese leaders that are saying what can we do to make sure this doesn’t go awry for us? That does give us an opportunity. I think the fact that it Biden is talking to American allies not about boycotting everything because our allies won’t go along with this but about diplomatic boycotts, protests that some of the athletes can have, making sure that when we go in, we do we don’t do alone. I think that matters. When Biden was talking to Xi Jinping the way he put this together his first call as president it was — this is not going to be a cooperative relationship, it is a competitive relationship. But if you want this to be a healthy competition or an unhealthy competition, it’s up to you. We need to see from the Chinese how they want to play that. So far, the marks have not been good to.

Bill: Because they are winning.

No.

Bill: No?

Those are fighting words.

Bill: I did a thing about this, it got picked up a lot, I know you disagreed with that but here’s today in the paper, china reported on Friday its economy grew by 18.3% in the first three months of the year.

It’s a big number.

Bill: That’s a very big number.

Bill: It’s compared to first quarter last year when it was shut down. Our numbers next quarter will be incredibly gaudy when you look at the second second quarter to second quarter, it’s unique, it’s a pandemic.

Bill: I understand.

There are bigger numbers.

Bill: My point about when we were a silly people as we can’t seem to do anything anymore. We are talking about reforming the police. Can we actually do it? We have had some good news with Biden in office but will we be able to build rail lines for less than this extraordinary draft price, will we be able to fix the pot holes, the mail. I used to defend the post office, now, I’m sorry guys, I can’t trust you. Nothing gets there. Will we be able to reopen schools? We don’t seem like we are the country that has the eye of the tiger.

You said Biden is Truman, you can’t say Biden’s treatment at the same time and say we can’t do it.

Give Joe a little bit of a chance here.

B>> tell me which side of the argument you want to be on.

Bill: .

Bill: you’re reducing my argument, even if he was, one man can change the nature of the whole country.

We have all those other nice people hanging around in Washington now. I’m not kidding.

Bill: Things are definitely better. Whenever we say we are going to do something big it’s like by 2035 it’s like over fucks sake.

This is been the worst crisis in our lifetimes not just the U.S., but globally. We’ve done a lot of things wrong with the economic response domestically of the United States this crisis first bipartisan under trump but now under Biden even bigger, by far the most effective response of any major economy in the world. Vaccines, by far the best and most effective response of any country around the world, the Chinese have the vaccines ahead of the CDC in china says they don’t really work very well.

Bill: But they were back to partying when we were still locked down.

That’s good, they will be distracted by their parties and will win.

Were people want to invest, they are coming to the U.S.

Bill: The Johnson & Johnson vaccine came out this week I’m out of 7000000 people six, they are all women — I don’t know if that’s significant or just a coincidence, it’s only 6 out of 7000000 had blood clot clots. All vaccines — they are drugs, all drugs have side effects. Six? There’s more deaths on people doing TikTok stunts every . I’m worried about our population not being a sophisticated population, that is what I worry about. Are we preparing the best and the brightest, instead of the wind he to he woke us to. That’s the future of who’s going to rule and run this world. We still kick ass in some areas, computing, smartphones, obviously.

The Chinese are very good at that too. Trillions of dollars being spent on the average American over ten years is going to matter and the level of corruption in China, the level of poverty in china, even the buildings in the rails you talk about, the average building the Chinese built last for 25 years, in the ad states it lasts 40-50, there’s a reason why wheels to the worlds most popular country come I’m not saying we don’t have big structural problems, I’m just saying china isn’t eating our lunch. [Applause]

And as a law professor, the kids are all right, the the kids really are all right. It’s the same thing, it’s like Rashida Tlaib and Marjorie Taylor Greene, they don’t represent the United States and the brat he asked and whiny us kids don’t represent.

Bill: I agree, they don’t represent, but they do dominate, they dominate the media.

They dominate the media.

Bill: That dominates what people think.

I’ll tell you what worries me about China and en is an expert on economic issues but we are in danger of falling behind from a military readiness perspective, that’s one area where I worry the Biden administration is not may be putting as much energy as it needs to. We have enormous land forces, they cost a lot of money. I’m a military spouse, I would die before I give up my home depot 10% discount. We waste a huge amount of money when it comes to the defense department that we should be spending on other stuff.

Bill: We announce the scum of the budget came to 2% defense spending. No matter who the president is, whether it’s dumb-ass Donald Trump or kick ass Joe Biden, whether it’s Obama or Bush, this is the constant. Eisenhower was so right, we cannot tame this beast. The military-industrial complex.

Yup.

Bill: We just can’t.

It’s sad. We outspend the Chinese massively and we spent almost all on legacy systems and built infrastructure that will be the future in 20 years, we’ve got to spend on new technology.

Bill: Thank you, very enlightening, I appreciate it. Time for new rules, everybody, new rules.

[Cheers and applause]

New rule: Colton Underwood, the virgin, Christian bachelor, didn’t have to come out and tell us he was gay. We got that from “Virgin, Christian bachelor.” [Laughter] [applause] Next up, a real housewife with four restaurants comes clean. “I’m not really much of a cook.” [Laughter] [applause]

New rule: now that Domino’s is going to start delivering with a fleet of autonomous pizza delivery robots, they have to prepare for the possibility that every baked dude who orders a pizza is going to try to ride it. [Laughter] [applause] Trust me, to stoners that’s not a robot. It’s a mechanical bull that comes with snacks. [Laughter] In a few months, you won’t even be known as Domino’s anymore. You’ll be known as “Free Uber.” [Laughter]

New rule: I don’t condone looting, but if you are going to loot, pick a better store than Dollar Tree. [Laughter] [applause] Why go for the expired toothpaste and Dinty Moore beef stew when you could loot Whole Foods and enjoy some vegan sprouted ancient maize flakes. [Laughter] [applause] On second thought, you’re right. Stick with the dollar tree. [Laughter] I’ve got to go to Whole Foods later myself.

New rule: stop calling everything “a complete game changer.” Your new razor is not “a complete game changer.” Your peloton bike is not “a complete game changer.” Those ultra-realistic sex robots that are coming on the market — okay, those are a complete game changer. [Laughter] [cheers and applause]

New rule: billboards against distracted driving have to be less distracting. There’s a tinge of irony every time my eyes leave the road just to read a sign that says my eyes should stay on the road. [Laughter] [applause] If you really want to curb distracting driving, send a message where I’m already looking. Text me. [Laughter] [applause]

And finally, new rule. Don’t spin me when it comes to my health. Over the past year, the Covid pandemic has prompted the medical establishment, the media and government to take a “scared straight” approach to getting the public to comply with their recommendations. Well, I’m from a different school: “give it to me straight, doc.” Because in the long run, that always works better than “you can’t handle the truth.” [Cheers and applause] Now, I get it, doctors tell people lies because they don’t trust you to finish the antibiotics after your dick starts feeling better. [Laughter] And media? Well, I think we all know, “if it bleeds, it leads.’ The more they can get you to stay inside and watch their panic porn, the higher the ratings. Researchers at Dartmouth built a database recently, monitoring the Covid coverage of the major news outlets across the world and found that while other countries mixed the good news in with the bad, the U.S. national media reported almost 90% bad news. Even as things were getting better, the reporting remained negative. And politicians? They lie because it’s their nature to cover their ass so they don’t get blamed if things go badly. And also to keep in practice. [Laughter] [applause] But when of all our sources for medical information have an agenda to spin us, you wind up with a badly misinformed population, including on the left. Liberals often mock the republican misinformation bubble, which of course, is very real. Ask anyone who works at Hillary’s pizza parlor. And we do know conservatives have some loopy ideas about Covid, like the third of republicans who believe it couldn’t be spread by someone showing no symptoms. But what about liberals – you know, the high information, by-the-science people? In a recent Gallup survey democrats did much worse than republicans in getting the right answer to the fundamental question “what are the chances that someone who gets Covid will need to be hospitalized?” The answer is between one and five percent but 41% of democrats thought it was over 50%! Another 28% put the chances at “20 to 49” percent. So almost 70% of democrats are wildly off on this key question, and also have a greatly exaggerated view of the danger of Covid to, and mortality rate among, children. All of which explains why today the states with the highest share of schools that are still closed are all blue states. If the right wing media bubble has to own things like climate change denial, shouldn’t liberal media have to answer for: how did your audience wind up believing such a bunch of crap about Covid? [Cheers and applause] A new report in the Atlantic says the media won’t stop putting pictures of the beach on stories about Covid even though it’s looking increasingly like the beach is the best place to avoid it. Sunlight is the best disinfectant and vitamin D is the key to a robust immune system. Texas lifted its Covid restrictions recently, and their infection rates went down, in part because of people getting outside to let the sun and wind do their thing. [Cheers and applause] But to many liberals, that can’t be right, because Texas and beach-loving Florida have republican governors. But life is complicated. I’ve read that the governor of Florida reads. [Laughter] I know we like to think of Florida as only middle school teachers on bath salts having sex with their students in front of an alligator. Apparently the governor is also a voracious consumer of the scientific literature, and maybe that’s why he protected his most vulnerable population, the elderly, way better than did the governor of New York. [Applause] Those are just facts. I know it’s irresponsible of me to say them. [Laughter] I don’t want politics mixed in with my medical decisions – and [cheers and applause] now that everything is politics, that’s all we do. If their side says Covid is nothing, our side has to say it’s everything. Trump said it would go away “like a miracle” and we said it was World War Z. Trump said we should ingest household disinfectants, and we laughed, of course – and then it turned out 19% of America was literally drenching the fruit in Clorox. And now of course we find out that all that paranoia about surfaces was bullshit anyway, even though we spent hours and hours wiping our knobs with Lysol – and if you’ve ever wiped your knob with Lysol. [Laughter] [applause] I think you know. Now go home and wash the mail. [Laughter] If you lie to people, even for a very good cause, you lose their trust. I think a lot of people died — thank you. I think a lot of people died because of Trump’s incompetence, and I think a lot died because talking about obesity had become a third rail in America. [Applause] I know you’ve heard me pound this fried drumstick before, but since I last mentioned it a stunning statistic was reported: 78% of those hospitalized, ventilated or dead from Covid have been overweight. It’s the key piece of the puzzle, by far the most pertinent factor, but you dare not speak its name. Imagine how many lives could have been saved if there been some national campaign a la Michelle Obama’s “let’s move” program, with the urgency of the pandemic behind it – if the [applause] media and the doctors had made a point to keep saying, “but there’s something you can do” – but we’ll never know because they never did. Because the last thing you want to do is say something insensitive. We’d literally rather die. [Applause] Instead, we were told to lockdown. Unfortunately, the killer was already in the house. And her name is little Debbie. [Laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Okay, that’s our show. We’ll be back next week. I want to thank my guests Ian Bremmer, Rosa Brooks and Sharon Osbourne. In the you! Thank you very much, I appreciate it. [Cheers and applause] Is a good musical

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

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