Original air date: 28 March 2021
* * *
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He’s… a… Fam… ily… Guy! ♪
(alarm beeping)
(alarm off)
(yawns)
(blows raspberry)
Alexa, what’s in the news this morning?
ALEXA: Here is your morning briefing.
In Washington, D.C., Congress has passed a measure..
Alexa, skip to celebrity birthdays.
Mario Lopez is 47 years old today.
No way! Someone should tell his face.
I know, right?
(chuckles): Seriously!
Okay, see you later, Alexa.
You’re my best friend.
And you’re… you’re awesome, Lois.
Best friends.
MEG (calling out): Hey, Mom, my period started on the couch.
(takes deep breath)
You wanted to have a family, you wanted this life.
My shoes are on the roof. Get ’em.
(children’s song playing on TV)
♪ The driver on the bus peeks to check his phone ♪
Come on, move your arm up.
Up. Close your hand.
♪ Check his phone ♪
Okay, push it through. Good.
♪ Check his phone ♪
Just let me do it.
♪ The driver on the bus peeks to check his phone ♪
Other arm. Almost done.
♪ Whoops, he hit a dog ♪
Move your thumb. Move your thumb. Push.
There. Done.
♪ The driver on the bus ♪
♪ Says, “Shut up, shut up, shut up ♪
♪ Let me think for a second.” ♪
(Lois straining)
Why did you do this?
If they didn’t want us to put our foot down there, they shouldn’t make it a perfect fit for a toilet shoe.
Who’s “they”?
Uh, Big Toilet?
“Big Toilet”? Is that a thing?
Shh!
MAN: Welcome back to the Stuff You Should Just Spend the Money On podcast.
Today’s episode: “Expressing Your Dog’s Anal Glands.”
MAN 2: Yeah, you really don’t want to DIY on the anal glands.
Just spend the money. It can’t cost more than,
I don’t know, 30 bucks.
(Brian grunts)
MAN: $30 is three months of Netflix.
(grunts)
MAN 2: So don’t watch The Crown for three months.
I like The Crown.
MAN: What if I like The Crown?
MAN 2: Watch it all in one weekend.
(both grunting)
If you don’t finish a Netflix series in a weekend, that’s on you.
Lois, can we just… can we just kiss a little first?
You know what? I think it’s actually starting to clear up on its own.
♪ Whoa, Black Betty ♪
♪ Bam-a-lam, hey, Black Betty ♪
♪ Bam-a-lam! ♪
♪
(horn honks)
(Lois honks back)
Take a bite out of my ass, you sack of dirt!
(mellow music playing)
(inhales deeply)
Ah… you made it.
Morning, Kyle, Lisa, Kyle H.
Morning, Lois.
What’ll it be this morning? The usual?
Ah, you know it. And with the morning I had, better make it a large.
So the usual.
How are the muffins this morning, Lisa?
Oh, not the banana nut, ’cause I know you’re allergic to nuts.
(chuckles): That’s right, I am. Good memory.
Well, it’s what makes you so unique.
MAN: Hurry up!
You know, I always thought that peanut allergies just went away when you became an adult.
You know, like tonsils.
Tonsils go away, right?
I thought I read that.
What are tonsils?
Anyway, let me put in my card.
I got one with a chip on it.
It’s like we’re living in the Star Wars.
Okay, tip.
I’ll do cash.
Good, you heard me.
“Would you like to donate a cup of coffee to a soldier overseas?”
Yeah, that seems like a good cause.
MAN: Hey. Here’s your free cup of coffee from a lady in Rhode Island.
What?
♪
Excuse me. Are you in line for the bathroom?
No.
Oh.
Then move!
(rattles doorknob)
Give me the key!
So, how was everybody’s day?
I made the football team…
Congratulations.
…throw up because I put cleaner in the Gatorade.
Still pretty good.
You know, the funniest thing happened to me today.
I go to this coffee shop every morning, and they do this fun thing where every week they choose a Customer of the Week.
It’s just a silly thing, which is why it’s so fun.
Anyway, I’ve never been picked.
Which is fine.
The thing is…
Oh, boy.
…I’m friendly, I always tip, I almost never say anything when foreigners loudly FaceTime, and in general, I’m a pretty good person.
Right?
Yeah. I mean, you show little patience for the handicapped at times, but… yeah.
Yeah, it just, it just feels like it should probably be my time.
Well, maybe this’ll be your week.
Oh, you think so?
I don’t know. That-that felt like the right thing to say, so I said it.
I do impulsive things.
That’s how I ended up getting Rod Stewart’s hair.
Morning, luv.
Mind if I sing a tune into your vagina?
♪
Everybody, if we could have your attention, we’d like to announce this week’s Customer of the Week.
Ah. I’ve never seen them do it live. (chuckles)
This must be what it feels like to see Bruce.
This week’s Customer of the Week is…
Lester!
♪
(sobbing)
(sobbing loudly)
Hey, Bon, Wednesday Wisdom’s live!
Is it good?
No.
It’s great!
You know what I think the problem is, Stewie?
I need to show them that I deserve to be Customer of the Week.
You don’t.
Well, they probably see a woman like me and think, “She’s got it all.”
They don’t.
I know it’s a silly little award, but I don’t ask for much.
You do.
And this is the one place, the one place that makes me feel happy.
You aren’t.
I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.
I-I feel like I really vibe with everyone there.
You don’t.
I’m one of their best customers.
You know, if I stopped showing up, they’d probably wonder where I went.
They wouldn’t.
Because I’m a nice person.
You’re not.
I tip in cash.
So?
And I can’t think of one reason why they wouldn’t pick me.
I can.
Oh, thanks for listening, Stewie.
I had no choice.
You know, I’m gonna show them that I deserve to win this award.
I need this… just like I needed my own Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane.
Next.
Hi, Gil.
Uh, can I get…
Pound of honey ham. Cut it thin.
Oh, excuse me, I believe I was next.
Step aside, lady.
Yeah, hi, Gil.
Can I try a piece of the pepper turkey?
♪
Here you go. Anything else today?
Yeah, the coffee, and you know what?
I’ll take that piece of artwork for sale on the wall.
Really? That’s my painting.
Wha…? Is it?
You are very talented.
Well, how much do I owe you?
$600.
(chokes) $600?
Do you still want it?
Of course.
(quiet grunt)
It’s important to support local artists by spending a year’s worth of co-pays on a painting of a… (chokes, belches)
(pounding counter)
…bridge.
A ladder and an apple.
A ladder and an apple! What a theme!
Can you split it on two debit cards?
I have a limit.
I can’t really ring it up on the register.
It has to be cash.
(chokes)
Perfect!
♪
By the way, I told you.
Told me what?
I told you nobody could tell I was drinking.
No one cares.
I care. I do.
Here, take this. Start recording right before they say my name.
And hold it landscape, not portrait.
This is an important moment, not a fast-food worker fight.
(quietly): I wish it was a fast-food worker fight.
What?
(loudly): I wish it was a fast-food worker fight.
Welcome, everybody.
This week’s Customer of the Week is…
…Terry Newcustomer.
Wow, this is so unexpected, because I’m such a new customer.
Lois, should I stop recording?
Oh, you got a text.
Oh, I clicked it.
Oh, it’s Bonnie.
She’s responding to you.
Oh, about me. Oh, I’m reading the old texts.
Oh, I should stop.
Oh, but I can’t.
Oh, you’re unhappy.
Oh, who’s Greg?
Oh, there’s Greg.
♪
All right, on three, everyone say their favorite Spider-Man.
All right? One, two, three.
(saying different Spider-Man characters and actors)
ALL BUT LOIS: What?!
(Meg, Chris, Peter, Brian and Stewie arguing)
In fact, there’d be no superhero movies without Tobey Maguire.
No way! Garfield never got a chance.
Is Affleck the best Batman?
No. But he had the best Batman body.
He’ll be the first ex-Spider-Man to win an Oscar.
Just ’cause it’s in animation, people think it’s not legit.
(indistinct arguing)
♪
(others continue arguing)
I don’t get it!
Wait, Spider-Man?
He’s a guy with spider powers.
Can’t I have one thing in my life?
Is that too much to ask?
What is it, do they hate me?
Because astrologically I’m very compatible with Kyle H. and Lisa.
I’m a Gemini and they’re both Aquarius, so we’re natural matches!
Kyle is a Virgo, which doesn’t match with Gemini, but they’re supposed to at least care about people!
What am I missing?
You know, Mom, if you really want to get noticed, you should save one of their lives.
What?
There was a kid at school who got a whole page in the yearbook dedicated to him because he saved a kid who had a peanut allergy.
Peanut allergy?
I have a peanut allergy.
Yeah. This kid accidentally ate something with peanuts in it and the other kid came over and Pulp Fictioned him with an EpiPen.
Huh…
I can’t even touch peanuts.
That kid was a hero.
Hero…
You flush it!
It scares me when it goes away.
Yes… hero.
I’ll be a hero, and then they’ll have to make me Customer of the Week.
Why is this story all about Mom this week?
What, are we giving Seth’s voice a rest?
(electric guitar riff plays)
Okay, I’ll just pour some of these Planters peanuts into Lisa’s car.
The official peanut of poisoning people with allergies.
What? No, she’s kidding!
Come on, look at me: top hat, gloves, shoes, no other clothes.
I’m a good guy!
Okay, now I wait for her to get in her car and start to have a reaction.
Then I’ll swoop in and save her with this EpiPen.
Then I’ll be a lock to be Customer of the Week.
Stewie, you okay back there?
Having fun playing with Mommy’s phone?
Yup. I put the headphones up my nose, but I made it work.
Okay, there she is.
She’s walking to her car… she’s getting out her keys… she’s starting her car…
driving away?
Damn it, I didn’t put enough peanuts in there.
Oh, shaving cream!
Ooh, shaving cream.
Oh… shaving cream.
Oh, good.
Oh, shaving cream.
Mom, why are we at the hospital to visit your barista?
Chris, I promise that if one of your baristas ever gets into an accident, I’ll go to the hospital, too.
Okay. That’s all I wanted to hear.
I’ve got a lot of baristas who make questionable choices.
Hi, you must be Lisa’s mother.
How’s she doing?
Did she say what happened?
No, she’s mostly just said…
(ghastly moaning)
Oh, that’s not a good moan.
Well, apparently, someone put peanuts in her car and she’s deathly allergic.
Oh, no.
Here are flowers.
STEWIE: She took those from a guardrail memorial.
D-Do they have any leads on who could have done it?
No.
Good. Grief!
“Good grief,” is what Charlie Brown would say here.
Peanuts. Probably a poor choice of reference.
But they’re going to check the parking lot surveillance tape to see who did.
Surveillance tape? Good grief!
Uh, who are you again?
I’m a… a very good customer.
Oh, my God, I’ve got to go.
Exit stage left!
That was a very sad door to run in to.
What the hell? Lois?
LOIS: Put the phone down, Kyle H.
…so then I start hearing people say there are different levels of peanut allergies and I was like, “Levels?”
I mean, when I hear allergy, I think rash, not throat-close-car-crash.
Okay, well, I-I’m so glad that we could talk about this and that you understand how we got to where we are.
So, are you gonna let me go?
Yes.
I mean, once I figure out this whole kerfuffle.
Oh.
Why, are you scared, Kyle H.?
This isn’t scary.
I’m a good person.
Now, there are two ways we can go from here: you can give me your absolute trust, or I can get you hooked on heroin.
Heroin’s not bad.
Not having heroin, that’s what’s bad.
Y-You can trust me. It’s just…
Just what?
I have a cat.
Someone needs to feed him.
(long inhale)
Now, a bad person would say “who cares” here.
But since I am a good person, I will take care of your cat.
Now, open your mouth, I’m gonna stuff my son’s baseball sock in it.
What the hell? Who are you?
Oh, hello.
Um, hi, I’m Kyle H.’s cat-sitter.
He didn’t tell me he had roommates who could feed his cat for him.
Wait, why do you have his laser pointer and Heisenberg keychain?
Yeah, his keychain flair is how he expresses his quirkiness.
He must be in danger!
You can’t leave us like this, lady.
Don’t say “lady.”
It makes me feel old.
And why is everyone acting like this is my fault?
If anything, it’s Kyle H.’s fault.
I’m a good person.
People are gonna know we’re gone.
I promised my boyfriend that I’d…
Wait, you’re gay?
Yeah.
You sound surprised.
I don’t know, you just don’t present as gay.
Oh, so gays “present”?
No, no, no, that’s not…
What? I’m woke, okay?
Is he your boyfriend?
No, I’m not gay.
What? But you’re roommates.
So?
So?!
And that’s not weird?
I mean, do you have your own bathrooms?
No.
What, so you just walk around like there’s nothing potentially sexual?
Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, ever since he joined the gym, he’s really turned his body around.
But that’s not what I’d be attracted to.
It’s more sticking to his commitment to get healthy.
That’s attractive.
Aw, thank you, bro.
Mm, you’re welcome, bro.
See, this!
I don’t know. I-I guess I’m not woke, okay?
Fine, you win with your gay stuff.
That’s what you want, right? To win?
Here, drink whatever you think a day’s worth of water is.
Look, what I was trying to say is that you can’t leave us like this because I promised my boyfriend that I’d make a meal for his grandmother’s meal train.
If I don’t drop it off, they’re gonna know something’s wrong.
(long inhale)
(exhales)
What are you supposed to make?
Beef Wellington.
What… Beef Wellington?!
For tonight?
Yeah, why?
Is that hard?
Yes!
If you’re starting at 2:00 p.m., very! Yes!
Lois, have you seen the pooping iPad?
I can only go while watching Tiger King.
Huh?
The iPad we use only while pooping and occasionally on flights for Stewie.
Ew, I play Elmo’s ABCs on that.
Is that why I keep getting pink eye?
I don’t know where it is.
But it’s definitely not in the shed.
So don’t even look back there in the shed.
What, you mean the earwig fortress? No thanks.
I haven’t been in there since I won the Battle of the Wheelbarrow.
Nyah-ha!
Too fast and too smart for you, earwigs.
Now, to continue clearing the yard…
(monotone): …collecting moisture and sleeping in wood.
Hey, Lois, what ever happened to that Customer of the Week thing?
Th-the what?
The Customer of the Week at the coffee shop.
Did you ever win?
Why? Why would you bring that up?
What are you, obsessed with it?
Uh, you… You had been talking about it…
Oh, so you can hear me when I say that, but can’t hear me when I say “get off the couch.”
I like to be up by people.
May I be excused to…
(monotone): bring this plate of moisture to the crawl space?
Yeah, for the record, I would rather drink a sinus infection than win that stupid award.
It’s all rigged anyway.
Did you know that Lester lived in the same building as Lisa?
How is that fair, huh?
God, what a boring thing to bring up at dinner, Brian.
I’m going to the sunroom, and that’s where I’ll be from 9:00 to 11:00 if anyone asks.
No one come check on me.
You guys want to play spin the bottle for finger stuff?
Crank this night up a notch?
I’m in.
Good evening. I’m Tom Tucker.
In local news, two roommates were found bound and gagged in their apartment this morning in what they’re calling, “The Cat-Sitter Tie-er Upper.”
Guys, we need to get better name-comer-upper-withers.
♪
(sirens wail faintly)
♪
Okay.
(indistinct radio chatter)
Lois?
I’m just finishing the dishes.
I’m a good person, Joe.
Sometimes good people do bad things, Lois.
You can finish the dishes.
Then I gotta take you in.
You can’t take her away, Joe!
(whispering)
And you can put in one load of laundry.
Then I gotta take you in.
(whispering)
After that, you can write down the Wi-Fi log-in.
Then I gotta take you in.
(whispering)
Where’s the peanut butter?
(whispering)
Well, Peter, I think the main difference is Chinese people are from China and Japanese people are from Japan.
(whispering)
Yes, that’s probably why you were banned from the restaurant.
♪
Good morning.
Ah, what a charming place this is.
Oh, look, you do a Customer of the Week.
How cute.
Now, I’ll take a Nitro Cold Brew.
And with the morning I’ve had, better make it a large.
Hey, that’s funny.
Yeah, I know.
There you go.
And there you go.
Well, you could have said thank you.
Don’t see a lot of five dollar bills in there.
I must be a pretty good person to give a five.
