Pennyworth – S02E08 – The Hangman’s Noose [Transcript]

While Salt sits down with the League to discuss peace, Alfred confronts Gully to do the same. And Martha finally comes clean to Thomas about her dilemma.
Pennyworth - S02E08 - The Hangman's Noose

Original air date : March 28, 2021

* * *

[bird cawing]

How are we looking?

Well, if it’s an ambush, it’s a bloody good one. No spot for a sniper. Not that I can see, anyway. Which means you won’t, either, if there is one.

That would simplify matters.

Thank you, by the way.

What for?

Being here. Staying. It’s very good of you. God knows I’d leave if I could.

God knows I tried.

Why did you stay?

Stupidity.

So not honor, loyalty, hatred of tyranny?

Nah.

You won’t confess to any finer feelings, will you?

Or maybe I just like a fight. [laughs softly]

[engines turn off]

[indistinct chatter]

If things go lemony, hit the deck and stay there.

Will do.

[announcer] Lord James Harwood, 16th Earl of Dunboyne, leader of the Raven Union, high chancellor of Union-held England, has passed away following a severe heart attack.

Details will follow on the hour.

[Mary] Poor chap.

Good riddance.

Stresses of war, I expect.

Hoisted by his own guitar.

Would you stop staring out the window, please?

It’s making me nervous.

[exhales] Sorry.

You’re really scared, aren’t you?

Who, me? No. Just alert.

Your friend Alfie has no morals and no sense.

I’ll strangle him myself if Troy doesn’t do him in first.

Only joking.

Fair play.

But you can’t deny that Melanie was a gallus wee bird.

It’s hard to resist a smasher like that.

Men.

What’s wrong with you?

That’s a big question, Mrs. P.

[sighs]

[horn honks in distance]

[Aziz] Sir John. My congratulations.

Your fortunes have risen since we last met.

As have yours, Prime Minister.

I’ve been hearing many good things.

Mr. Pennyworth. A surprise and a pleasure to see you again.

And in such exalted company.

If your father could see you now, he’d be very proud.

Sir.

[Aziz] General Thursday.

Inspector. Hmm.

Interesting spot you chose.

Not one for the history books. New beginnings.

Lord Harwood had a taste for the theatrical.

Plain, simple honesty. That’s us.

[Aziz] My condolences for your great loss.

Lord Harwood was an outstanding leader.

Larger than life. Irreplaceable.

Everybody can be replaced.

Forgive me if I’m surprised that he’s been replaced by you, Sir John.

Not as surprised as I am. I’m not worthy, of course.

But if you think we’re discouraged, think again, sir.

Our cause is larger than any one man.

Lord Harwood led the Raven Union, but he did not command the Army.

It’s the Army who’ve beaten you in battle.

Not Lord Harwood. [Aziz] True.

You don’t need the Raven Union at all, really, do you?

[Thursday] On the contrary.

We need them to deal with clever chaps like you.

The Army takes no part in politics or government.

Warfare is our only trade. [Aziz] Indeed.

That’s why I’m rather surprised you approved Stormcloud.

That’s a purely Raven project, no?

We’re glad you know about Stormcloud.

You understand the seriousness of your predicament.

The Army had very little hand in it.

Or am I wrong?

Would the Army really let a political party use such a weapon on its own people?

All Raven Union military assets, including Stormcloud, are under Army Council command.

Isn’t that so, Sir John?

Mm. That is exactly so.

The Army and the Union are brothers, united.

Lord Harwood’s sad demise has only brought us closer together.

But it has also given us pause.

This war has gone on long enough.

We’d like to sit down and talk.

See if we can find an honorable peace.

We’re always happy to talk.

Compromise and reconciliation are desperately needed.

I could not agree more.

Compromise and reconciliation.

[Thursday] As to time and location, we leave that to you.

But I have a suggestion, if I may, And a favor to ask.

We’d like to bury Lord Harwood in his family crypt in London.

It would be a gesture of good faith on both sides if you’d allow his funeral party to enter the city.

We could hold talks after the ceremony.

In the spirit of new beginnings.

I must consult with Her Majesty the Queen first, of course, but, uh, I’m sure she’ll be happy to oblige.

Here’s to Lord Harwood. [others] Lord Harwood.

May he rest in peace. Mm. May he rot in hell.

Whichever is deemed appropriate by the powers that be.

Hmm.

Well, I hate to be a wet blanket, but I’m not so sure that Harwood’s death is a good thing.

I agree.

Wow. Really? I am–I am deeply touched. Thank you.

Seriously, what do we know about this Salt character?

[Aziz] Well, he’s clever enough. But he has no power base.

And there’s clear tension between him and Thursday.

[door closes] They’re wobbling.

Politically vulnerable.

Why else would they ask for peace talks?

They still have Stormcloud.

Yes, but would they dare use it? That’s the question.

A madman like Harwood might do anything, but these are…

ordinary half-decent sort of men.

They’ll be mindful of the world’s opinion.

Fearful of consequences.

What did you think, Alfie? I was looking for snipers.

[Aziz] But you must have got a general sense.

Did they seem trustworthy?

I don’t trust anyone.

[rain falling]

[wings fluttering]

[tires screech]

[dog barking in distance]

[yelling]

You fucking bastard! Hello.

The fuck are you sneaking in like that for?

You’re plastered. That I am.

You’re supposed to be looking after Mum.

I can do two things at once.

It’s fucking irresponsible. Where is she?

She’s having a snooze. Hey!

And it’s not me that’s irresponsible. It’s you.

Was it me that fucked the wife of a stone-cold killer?

No. Yeah, right. Fair play.

But still. It’s me mum. Was it me that squandered America? No.

Was it me that fucked away our travel money?

No. All right, all right.

I could be in California with a whore on my face.

There’s a nice picture.

Sorry, Mrs. P. I thought you were snoozing.

I was till you started yelling.

Your son’s got the gall to be angry with me for drinking on duty.

Duty? Protecting me from the fruits of your adultery.

Poor man’s entitled to be drunk.

He could be in California with… with all his hopes and dreams.

You wanted to stay. I did what you wanted.

I did what’s right. [drink pouring]

[Mary] You did this, you did that.

Never a thought for how anyone else might feel.

Ah. That’s right. [sighs]

A married woman. The shame.

If your father was alive, he’d be rolling in his grave.

I’m to be murdered in my bed by an angry cuckold or else gassed by a terror bomb.

And you only went and told her about Stormcloud.

Thanks very much. Well, you’re welcome.

It’s called honesty.

I don’t like to scare you. Do I look scared?

As it happens, I was at a very high-level secret meeting today.

Ooh. Oh, see him, Mary. Fancy Dan.

Now that loony old Lord Harwood’s dead, the Union want to hold peace talks.

The war will be over soon. There will be no terror bombs.

“Secret meetings” he says.

Who’s to know anymore whether he’s honest or he’s lying?

So sad but true, Mrs. P. So sad but true.

If you two are gonna gang up on me, then I’m off. You can look after yourselves.

Not likely. Where would you go?

He’s got nobody else.

Sandra won’t take him.

Look, Mum, you’re not going to be murdered in your bed or anywhere else. I promise.

I’ll sort things out with Gully.

We’ll talk. He’s a reasonable man at heart.

Don’t worry. I stopped worrying when your father died.

When death comes, I’ll be ready.

Now I’m off to work.

Hmm. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Yeah.

Shall I come to the hospital with you, Mrs. P, eh?

Just to be safe. No, you won’t.

Did you not hear what I just said?

That you’re ready to die?

[scoffs]

There’s ham in the larder if you want any.

[door opens]

Gully?

[door closes] A reasonable man at heart?

[glasses clink] I don’t want her worrying.

I’ll have to go and find him. Sort this out.

I can’t let it go on like this, just waiting for him to show up.

Oh, well, don’t you be going it alone.

You’ll need me for backup.

You know very well I have to go it alone. Alone.

Don’t you try following me. You hear me?

I hear you.

Are these peace talks real at least?

Oh, they’re real. But they’re a Union trick.

Not sure what sort, but they’re a trick.

That Salt’s a lairy little creature.

[Dixon] The meeting went well,I hope, sir.

Very well. Very well.

Call the crown undertaker and have him start making arrangements for His Lordship’s funeral.

Yes, sir. Of course.

But… surely no one will come if it’s in North London.

The League’s territory.

No, of course not.

But that’s not the point.

Mm.

[moans] Mm!

Oh, hold on there, stud.

[laughs] Slow up. Slow up.

[drops keys] We need to talk. Mm.

No, we don’t. Yes. Yes, we do.

About what?

Um, the-the birds and the bees.

Ah. Right. Well, no problem.

I’ve got a condom in my wallet.

You keep a condom in your wallet?

Why didn’t you use one before?

Mm, slipped my mind, I guess.

Heat of the moment. Oh, um, that’s funny.

Here we go again with the funny. Are we gonna have sex or comedy?

If it’s the latter, I’ll keep my clothes on.

Uh, sex. We’ll… we’ll have sex.

But you won’t need your condom.

Mm, why’s that?

Because you didn’t use it last time and I’m already pregnant.

You’re not joking.

Nope.

But it’s kind of funny though, right?

We have sex a few times and I get knocked up.

Oh, it’s a laugh riot.

Why the hell didn’t you tell me before now?

I don’t know. I was–I was waiting for the right moment.

Wh…

You knew about this when you refused to evacuate and you didn’t tell me.

That wasn’t the right moment?

Uh, well, I knew you’d try to make me leave.

Because you’re having a baby.

Which means I need to do whatever you tell me?

It means you leave a fucking war zone.

I thought about the situation very carefully, and I decided to stay because the risks are worth taking.

I can make a difference here. It’s a war.

What are you, an attack helicopter?

I can make a difference.

Okay.

I’m-I’m… I’m sorry for yelling at you.

This is–It’s a surprise, that’s all. It’s…

It’s a good surprise.

And if I–if I remember right, you’re, uh, you’re what?

You’re-you’re, um, you’re about six weeks along?

Yeah.

Your sister says it’s a boy, and she’s always right, apparently.

Oh, that’s true. [laughs softly]

Um…

M-May I?

It’s your baby, too.

[both laugh softly]

Wow. Right?

[both laugh]

I will go see about a marriage license tomorrow.

Uh, what? A marriage license.

Can’t get married without one.

Who said we’re getting married?

Hmm? You didn’t ask me.

Maybe I don’t want to get married.

Oh, don’t be obtuse. We have to get married.

No, we don’t.

You’d sooner raise a bastard than get married to me?

Really? It’s a close call.

No child of mine is gonna be illegitimate, so I’m sorry, I’m gonna have to insist that we do the right thing,

however repulsive you find me.

You “insist”that we get married?

I do. [scoffs]

Well… I insist that you kiss my pregnant ass.

Where are you going?

Leaving. This is your apartment.

Well, I need some air. Then I’ll come with you.

No. The hell you will.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my.

[bell tolling]

[horse neighs]

[gate creaks closed]

[bell tolling]

[woman over TV] Four, three, two, one.

[Peggy] Who’s the blonde piece?

Must be his tart, eh?

Slutty-looking thing.

Good morning to you all.

Good morning, England.

A noble life has ended.

As all life must end. Too soon.

Too soon to see his great works finished.

I want to take this opportunity to assure my fellow citizens that the country is in safe hands.

The Raven Union High Council and the Army General Staff are working hand in glove to continue the legacy of leadership bequeathed to us by this great man.

His life’s done.

But the fire he lit still burns, eh?

Let’s us all resolve to build that flame into a roaring furnace.

Let’s us all resolve to complete the noble work he began and make this green and pleasant land once again a beacon to the world!

Forgive my tears.

My heart’s in that coffin with Lord Harwood.

I’m a humble man from simple stock.

What strength I have, this man gave me.

The last thing he said to me before his mighty heart gave out… “Do your duty, son.”

“Do your duty,” he said.

With all my heart and soul, I intend to obey that order!

And in his name, in England’s name…

I ask the same of you!

Let’s all of us do our duty, eh?

God bless.

Yes, sir.

[applause continues]

[man] And… out.

[newsman] And what a grand day it has been.

Starting with a magnificent funeral procession through the rightful streets of London, Lord Harwood…

Where’s Alfie, I wonder?

Aye, you’ve a magic touch with a brew, Mrs. P.

It’s, uh, strong but subtle, you know?

I said, where’s Alfie?

Sorry. I thought that was a–

what’s that?– a rhetorical question.

It wasn’t.

Where is he?

He’s maybe went to see Gully.

He said he might, eh?

Alone?

Why didn’t you go with him?

He said he had to go alone.

And you’re not worried?

Eh…

[newsman] …taken too soon.

But I think we can all agree the country is in good hands.

[TV playing indistinctly inside]

[newsman] …laid to rest today in his family crypt in London.

May he rest in peace.

Flags throughout England will be flown at half-mast throughout next week’s mourning period.

Coming up, a three-minute silence to commemorate Lord Harwood.

After which, we’ll be looking at some of his greatest moments, remembering our noble leader.

[teacup clinking]

Harwood’s funeral.

Gave him a good send-off.

Nine lives that one.

I see our friend Salt’s doing rather well for himself.

And to think we took him for catering corps. [chuckles]

Fooled us good and proper.

Mm.

Oh, well.

You, uh, you took your time.

I thought you’d come after me.

Oh, no, I… I-I always knew you’d do the right thing and come to me eventually.

I don’t like to waste energy.

Looks like you’ve wasted some energy at least.

Spared the telly though. Nice one.

[Troy grunts]

[electrical crackling]

So… [grunts] my friend… what have you got to say for yourself?

What is there to say?

Then why are you here?

I owe you a fair crack at me, that’s all.

Oh. Baring your throat for the blade, huh?

You can call it that.

Mm. No, not you, Alfie.

No, you-you have no death wish.

You think you can take me. [laughs softly]

You actually think you can take me.

How do you want to do this then?

You might want to start by dropping that gun.

[gun clicks] [second gun clicks]

I’m not the pheasant plucker. I’m the pheasant plucker’s son, and I’m only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker comes.

[knocking] [man] Overture and beginners, Miss DuFrench. Hairy hungry hellhounds hold Hohner harmonicas in high esteem.

[knocking] Fuck off, Fred. I heard you.

I’m sure I have seen her on the telly.

Have you been on the telly, love?

Who are you?

She asked if you’ve been on telly.

Yes, I have, but who are you?

In what? All sorts of things.

Many. Who are you?

Well, I’m Peg.

This is my sister Bet.

Don’t mind us prying, Vikki.

Have you got a boyfriend?

Now, look here…

She asked if you got a boyfriend.

Simple question. Yes or no?

And be honest, or I’ll tear out your fucking tongue.

Yes. [Peggy] Thank you, Vikki.

Now, what’s his name?

John. John what?

Salt.

[stage bell ringing]

[fire crackling]

[distorted footsteps echoing]

We’re so happy to sit down with you at last.

Thank you for coming to us. Least we could do, ma’am.

Um, we have here a brief summary of our position, uh, suggestions for territorial partition and so forth.

If you’d like to start from there.

This looks like a list of demands.

No. Not demands. Um, points for negotiation.

Oh, dear.

I think we have a misunderstanding.

This is not a negotiation.

These are peace talks.

That’s what we agreed to, isn’t it? Peace talks?

[Thursday] Indeed.

I don’t quite see the difference.

Negotiations happen when both sides have something to offer.

Peace talks happen when one side has their foot on the other’s throat.

We invited you here in good faith.

What remains of League forces and both of you personally must surrender unconditionally.

If you fail to do so, we will deploy a Stormcloud device over London.

I believe you’ve seen how Stormcloud works.

General, you’d do such a thing to your own people?

Just as many will die if we have to fight our way into London.

Stormcloud is a humane and sensible alternative that we won’t hesitate to use if necessary.

Surely the Raven Union Council won’t sanction…

The council will do what I say!

You have 48 hours to think this over.

We give you so long only because General Thursday is a compassionate and persuasive man.

[chairs scraping]

Excuse me, madam.

[footsteps receding]

[birds cawing]

[grunts] Yeah. [engine turns off]

[panting]

[vehicle doors closing]

Two against one?

Oh, Monty’s here to help just in case you decide to run off.

Come on, you know me better than that.

I thought I did, Alfie.

I thought I did and then you fucked my wife.

Fair play. A man’s wife, Alfie.

That’s sacred.

I raised you better than that.

You didn’t raise me.

You were my CO for a while. That’s all.

Yes. Yes, well, of course.

I’m-I’m not your father, but… but I’d wager you a pretty penny

that he’d be as ashamed of you as I am now.

A man of honor like him.

You fucking leave my father out of this.

Oh-ho-ho. There he is. Yes. There’s my boy. Good.

I was starting to worry that you’d left all your fire behind you in the colonies.

Now, I’m gonna have to even the odds.

[blade squishes] Oh!

Fuck’s sake!

[groans]

Well…

My own Melanie stabbed me, and… now we’re both hurting.

It’s invigorating, no? Huh?

You know, get the animal spirits flowing.

No. Just hurts.

You were never one for the poetry of it all, were you?

Monty. [unsheathes blade]

Ah. [groans]

Oh, come on.

Can’t we talk this through?

Do I really need to die?

Wouldn’t a good kicking be enough?

Run, or I’m gonna put a bullet through your head right now.

It’ll all be very dull and squalid.

Yeah. That does sound unpleasant.

I’m sorry about this, Gully. I really am.

I’m gonna give you five minutes head start.

Now, go on. Run along.

[growls softly]

Fuck’s sake.

[grunts]

[breathing heavily]

[grunting]

[Vikki] Help. Help.

What are you doing?

Fuck off!

Mind your own business!

[entry bells jingle]

[muffled shouting]

You, out.

Who’s this?

Don’t you recognize her? She’s famous.

I’m going.

[man] Coming through!

Been on telly, haven’t you, Vikki?

Please help me, miss. These women are mad.

Shh. Hey!

Don’t do that.

It’s all right, pet. She’s got it coming.

This is John Salt’s fancy woman.

So? So we’ll see how her fella likes having a loved one torn from his bosom.

[crying] [Katie] No, you won’t.

I will. I’m gonna send him her head in a cake tin.

No, you’re bloody not!

Here we go.

I’ll put kettle on.

Bet, you promised me.

You promised. No more violence.

I did, but this is different.

Lord Harwood was my friend.

He was good to me, and I’ll not betray him.

This is rightful revenge.

There’s no such thing.

Don’t be daft. ‘Course there is.

You weren’t so fussy when I brained pervy old Sutcliffe, were you?

Happy to see some revenge then, weren’t you?

Look, I can’t defend Salt. He’s a fascist pig.

But surely there are other ways to punish him.

This woman’s done nothing to anyone.

Nothing. I’ve done nothing.

You sat on the wrong cock, love.

Bad luck.

It’s like getting run over by a bus.

If you hurt this woman, I am leaving you.

Give over.

Don’t be like that.

Seriously. I’m-I’m done.

We’re done.

Done?

You’re not done.

We’re an item, you and me.

You can’t leave.

I can, and I will.

You promised me, Bet. You promised.

Well, then, all made up, are we?

Lovebirds again?

Look… maybe we’ve been a bit hasty.

Maybe we’re not being fair to Vikki.

There’s other ways to get Salt, don’t you think?

Oh, don’t ask me.

This is your bed you’ve to lie in.

As fucking usual.

No need for that tone.

When you two rolled up here, I said to you, she’s mad as a hatter, didn’t I?

And that was the truth.

And I said to you, you never learn.

You never learn that something’s not right, up here.

You can’t have relationships like other folk.

Always ends in tears.

You shouldn’t talk to her like that.

Oh, I’m allowed, Katie, because I look after her.

Have done my whole life, my whole bloody life.

I’m allowed.

And I’m allowed to change my mind.

No violence.

Not to this one, any road.

[Katie] Thank you.

Salt’s getting it, whether you like it or not.

[Peggy] Hmm, lovely.

And what the heck are we gonna do with Vikki, then?

I mean, we can’t exactly let her go, can we?

[Katie] Why not?

I promise, I swear, I won’t tell a soul about any of this.

[Peggy] Why’s that, then?

Why would you be quiet about this?

I just… would.

[kettle whistling]

Oh.

[whistling stops]

[birds cawing]

[breathing heavily]

[grunting]

[Bazza chuckles]

What, you think this is funny, do you?

Not much happens in the afterlife, so we have to amuse ourselves as best we can.

Well, I’m glad I can be of service.

Any suggestions here? You like giving advice.

But you don’t like taking advice, so why would I bother?

I’m desperate here, Baz.

Okay. Advice.

You have to look at yourself honestly, Alfred.

Why do you keep finding yourself in these foolish predicaments?

What’s the darkness inside that drives you toward self-destruction?

Oh, for fuck’s sake, Baz, I need to know how to stay alive.

Oh. I have no idea.

It’s not looking good though, is it?

That is a nasty wound.

You’ll probably bleed out in a couple of hours.

My opinion, about the bigger picture?

You’re torn between a love of order and a lust for transgression.

You think you’re fighting for yourself, but you’re really fighting with yourself.

[exhales]

Used to be Spanish who’d come have these little chats with me.

Annoyed the shit out of me, but he was fucking brilliant company compared to you.

How can you be your own man when you don’t know who you are?

[panting] If you got nothing useful to say, then on your bike.

Be still. Be calm.

Running makes your heart beat harder.

You lose blood faster and you get weak quicker.

Oh, really?

I had no idea.

Next time I see you, I hope you’re in a better mood.

No, wait.

Oh, fuck you.

[Troy] Alfie! Alfie!

Alfie! [exhales]

Alfie. [bird cawing]

I know you’re close… ’cause I can smell you.

Doesn’t get much better than this, does it?

Huh?

Just me, you and the woods.

I’m coming, Alfie! I’m coming!

[whistles]

[inhales sharply]

All right, Rita.

Now, what the fuck happened in here?

Maid’s day off.

Who’s this old bag?

This is Alfie’s mum. Mum?

Well, listen, Alfie’s… [grunts]

Mrs. Pennyworth to you!

Where are they?

Epping Forest.

Thank you.

[door opens, closes]

All right, Gully.

Very good.

I’d have been terribly disappointed if you’d let me sneak up on you.

You took long enough.

Mm. Disgracefully slow.

I must be getting old.

Anyway, here we are.

Just so you know… it wasn’t Melanie’s fault.

I pushed myself on her. Oh.

A gentleman to the end, eh?

Nonsense, of course.

Melanie’s a whore, and she wanted to hurt me.

You were hurting her. That’s what she wanted.

Not sure she did, actually.

Aw. Well, I… I think you’d be surprised.

I’m very glad you got her on that plane.

‘Cause killing a woman is–it’s a sign of weakness, isn’t it?

An admission of– of failure.

And then killing a man on the other hand, well…

There’s a hundred good reasons to kill a man.

You led me astray, Gully.

I thought you were a bloody hero.

Turns out you’re just bloody mad.

Oh, such… such vim, such courage.

You know, Melanie used to needle me that I was in love with you.

And she did needle me, because it’s true.

I do love you… in my own way.

[both grunting]

[yells]

[both grunting, straining]

Ah! [gasps]

[ragged breathing]

[panting] Oh, God!

[laughing]

What’s so funny? [breathing heavily]

I believe… I believe I taught you how to make this trap.

You did. The Sumatran Whip.

What’s even funnier is that I killed the man who taught me.

He was a Dayak headhunter.

He was a kindly old chap.

Had seven wives, you know?

And a throne of skulls.

[groans] [chuckles]

Takes all sorts.

Yeah.

Alfie?

Aren’t you going to kill me?!

Nah.

I’m grateful to you, Gully.

I’d forgotten how much I enjoy all this.

I feel very alive.

So thank you.

[wood snaps] [grunts]

[“Place To Be”by Nick Drake playing]

♪ When I was young, younger than before ♪

♪ I never saw the truth hanging from the door ♪

♪ And now I’m older, see it face to face ♪

♪ And now I’m older ♪

♪ Gotta get up, clean the place ♪

♪ And I was green, greener than the hill ♪

[muffled groaning]

♪ Where flowers grew and the sun shone still ♪

♪ Now I’m darker than the deepest sea ♪

[whirring] ♪ Just hand me down ♪

♪ Give me a place to be. ♪

[hissing]

[song continues over radio]

[Monty] Shit.

[radio turns off]

Where’s Gully?

He lost.

Oh! [groaning]

Monty, what the fuck?

Orders.

[yells]

[both grunting]

[breathing heavily]

[groaning]

[continues groaning]

[groaning loudly]

Oh… [grunts]

[breathing heavily]

Oh, fuck.

Don’t you start.

Wasn’t going to say a word.

Come all the way from the afterlife with nothing to say? Ha.

I doubt it.

I’m not here to talk.

I’m here to guide you over, if necessary.

Fuck off.

You’re not guiding me anywhere.

Not my call.

Not looking good, is it?

No, I’m staying.

I got things I want to do.

Such as what?

Just out of interest.

I want to, well… I want to make a difference.

A difference? To what?

No. It’s embarrassing.

You can tell me anything. I’m dead.

My dad was right.

You have to serve something or someone.

And I want to make this a happy, peaceful country again.

[Bazza laughs]

Don’t fucking laugh.

I think I can help.

That’s a noble plan.

Good luck with that.

Thank you for your support.

[Bazza chuckles]

Also, what’s so funny about peace and happiness?

[Mary] Alfie.

[Daveboy] Alfie.

Alfie.

Oh, my Lord.

Don’t worry, Mum.

It’s just a scratch.

Look at you. [Alfred] I know.

Another good suit ruined, eh?

Hey, Gully’s in the woods.

He needs an ambulance.

Does he?

I mean, really, does he?

Yeah. Right. Up.

Yeah, he does. All right.

[both] One, two, three…

Up! Got him.

[Alfred groans]

Come on, big boy. I’ve got you.

There you go. Oh, Alfie.

[Alfred] Looks worse than it is.

I’ll be running about in no time.

Like buggery.

[groans] This puts a stop to all your shenanigans, good and proper.

Nothing for you but bed rest from now on.

[groans] And porridge.

[Alfred groans]

[thunder rumbling]

Brothers and sisters… I am here to ask humbly for your blessing.

I ask you to ratify my status as pro tem high chancellor of the kingdom.

We’ve suffered a terrible loss.

And I’ve only been in this job a short while, but hopefully I’ve shown that I’m fit for purpose.

I’ve won the support of our allies in the Army.

I’ve rallied the rank and file.

I’ve brought a devastating new weapon onto the battlefield.

Our enemies will soon be forced to surrender.

Very soon.

I stand proudly on that record and humbly ask for your votes.

Thank you.

Each council member will speak in ascending order of rank.

I say yes.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

Yes! Yes.

Yes. Yes.

[air hissing]

I say yes.

The motion is carried.

[gavel bangs]

God save England!

[others] God save England!

[applause]

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