Family Guy – S19E14 – The Marrying Kind [Transcript]

Stewie experiences domestic life when he gets a mail-order bride from Ukraine; Peter and Chris become addicted to free hotel breakfast buffets.
Family Guy - S19E14 - The Marrying Kind

Original air date: 14 March 2021

After attending Mort’s wedding in New Orleans where he remarried to a woman named Rachel, Stewie becomes inspired to give married life a try, so he has a bride mailed over from Ukraine. Meanwhile as a result of the same trip, Peter and Chris develop an addiction to hotel breakfast buffets and decide to eat at every one they can find in Quahog while coming up with different ways to get in without paying.

* * *

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there’s a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He’s… a… Fam… ily… Guy! ♪

Guys, sorry I’m late. I was watching The Muppet Show with Stewie.

♪ It’s time to play the music ♪

♪ It’s time to light the lights ♪

♪ It’s time to meet the Muppets ♪

♪ On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

What’s that from?

♪ It’s time to put on makeup ♪

♪ It’s time to dress up right ♪

♪ It’s time to raise the curtain ♪

♪ On The Muppet Show tonight ♪

♪ Why do we always come here? ♪

♪ I guess we’ll never know ♪

♪ It’s like some kind of torture ♪

♪ To have to watch the show ♪

♪ But now let’s get things started ♪

♪ Why don’t you get things started? ♪

♪ It’s time to get things started ♪

♪ On the most sensational, inspirational ♪

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational ♪

♪ This is what we call ♪

♪ The Muppet Show.

Did you guys just make that up?

Fellas, I want to introduce you to my fiancée Rachel. She’s a wonderful woman, and she’s Madeleine Albright’s niece.

Oh, pleasure to meet you, Rachel.

No! If you want to shake hands, put a sheet over that thing. I know it’s last minute, but we got a great deal at CanceledBarMitzvahs.com, and you’re all invited to our wedding this Thursday…

I can’t go.

…in New Orleans.

By myself. I have to bring my family.

I’m in!

Yes!

Way in!

Ah, New Orleans, combining the luck of Puerto Rico with the mosquitoes of Haiti.

New Orleans. I can’t wait to get up on a balcony and bust out the twins. Did you hear what I said, Meg? I said I can’t wait to get up on a balcony and bust out the…

Yeah, I heard you.

Feels a little “hoo-mid.”

What, what’s that?

Oh, every morning from 7:00 to 10:00 we serve a complimentary breakfast.

Complimentary breakfast? Imagine the possibilities.

Wow.

Can I get you a cup of coffee?

Coffee? Imagine the possibilities.

Wow.

♪ It’s time to swim in coffee ♪

♪ It’s time to flutter kick. ♪

How did that Muppet song get in my head?

♪ It’s time to play the music ♪

♪ It’s time to light… ♪

Oh, yeah, it was playing when we Inception-ed.

The bride and groom have written their own vows.

Oh, no.

Rachel, I love you. And today we merge our lives, our hearts, and our fraudulent home businesses.

Mort, may my plantar fasciitis act like the roots for our tree of love.

We will reshape our lives together just as socks reshape my calves daily.

I am so happy to be merging the napkins in my pockets with the napkins in your pockets.

Rachel, with you by my side there is no Christmas display that I can’t sue the city over.

I vow to keep you nourished by filling our home with the worst wine in the world and preparing potatoes and applesauce. Just like nobody.

And I vow to adorn our walls with only brown art from the ’70s.

Mort, we’re two peas in a pod. We just go together. You are the plastic covering to my furniture.

And you are the little spit bubble in the corner of my mouth.

Mort, you are my forever person.

Aw.

May we continue to have no respect for other drivers on the road and view stop signs as suggestions.

And, Rachel, you are my forever person.

Aw.

And may my dead ex-wife’s uncle’s Netflix account continue to be fruitful to us for many years to come.

Mort, do you take Rachel to be your wife in sickness and in sickness?

I Jew.

And, Rachel, do you take Mort to be your husband in bad times and bad?

I Jew, too.

Stewie, what’s going on with you?

I just found all that very moving.

Really?

Yes, I had no idea marriage could be that beautiful. There really is somebody for everybody. Even Helen Keller had her tailor.

$100, please, blind and deaf lady!

Always nice coming back to your own house, huh?

This isn’t your house. It’s my dad’s.

I have a package for Stewie Griffin.

Day just starting or ending?

Smack dab in the middle.

Oh, dude. Brutal. Well, welcome to the back nine.

I can’t believe this worked. I’m Stewie. I’m going to be your husband.

Zlata.

We’re such each other’s forever people. Brian, I’d like you to meet my fiancée that I ordered from the Ukraine, the soon-to-be Zlata Griffin.

Is that… Is there a dead body in there?

Yeah, they send two in case one dies.

She was sister.

Looks like her arm was gnawed off.

Babe, you don’t have to eat people. We got food.

Stewie, this is crazy. You can’t marry that woman. You don’t even know her.

I know she can disassemble and reassemble a rifle in 15 seconds.

How does that matter…

I know it’s adorable that she thinks we’re gonna see Whoopi Goldberg everywhere we go.

Stewie…

I hear Whoopi Goldberg out here?

Z and Bri, my two favorites.

I-I don’t even… Zlata, what… Why would you marry a baby?

In my country, everyone I know blows up.

She wanted to leave, I had 200 bucks. Boom, we’re each other’s forever people.

Are there any more options for breakfast, Mom?

Bread without whole walnuts in it? Yuck.

What’s going on with you two?

Well, it’s just, hotel living got us accustomed to having multiple breakfast options.

Yeah, we’re like when astronauts come back from space and can’t fit back in with society, but with breakfasts.

Well, I’d advise you space cadets to come back to Earth, because I’m only making one thing. Okay. Meg, did you hear what I said? I said I’d advise you space cadets to come back to Earth because…

Yeah, I heard you!

You know, there is a Best Western in Quahog.

Well, yeah, but don’t we need a room key to get breakfast?

You mean like this one?

Oh, you dog.

Grab your coat, we’re going to the Best Western.

I don’t need my coat; it’s hot.

Get your coat now!

That’s the gatekeeper. We just show her the key and we get free food.

Yep, just keep it simple.

Now, if asked, we’re brothers from Sweden, same mom, different dad.

Well, shouldn’t it be same dad, different mom?

No, no, no. The Swedes have a very long fertility window, Chris. Trust me on this. Remember, big accent.

Hey, guys, FYI, breakfast is closing in five minutes.

Ja.

We’re doing it, Chris. Our cover story is working.

I’m looking for a pair of half brothers with different fathers from Finland.

Haloo?

It’s done.

This is why Sweden, Chris.

Never Finland.

I’ll never doubt you again.

Good. Now grab a yogurt that’s way smaller than you knew they made yogurts.

And you grab an orange juice that doesn’t taste like orange juice, but like someone described the taste of orange juice to an alien.

I better get going.

Have good day at work, husband.

Mwah. Babe, you’re too good to me.

I just left my car in stall four.

Perfect. I can take it from here.

Okay, great. And I apologize, but my son threw up in the back.

Okay, it’s no problem, we can clean that up for you.

Thanks, you’re the best.

Hey, Levi, we got a backseat vomit in the maroon PT Cruiser. Levi? Levi? Levi?

Hey, uh, so, I’m really sorry, but I-I threw up all over the front seat.

Not a problem.

Thanks, man. Late for a flight.

Levi? Levi? Levi?

Hey, I accidentally barfed in my car. They told me I could leave it here?

Yeah. I’ll clean it.

Thanks. I got to catch my flight.

Levi? Levi?

Uh, this one looks good. The, uh, second cheapest one.

I’d actually recommend that first Cab there.

Sound good.

I love Cab.

That second cheapest one sounds great, too. We’ll take that one.

Indulge me in one more work story? So, last week I put this nice family in a Sonata.

Those are supposed to be great cars.

Actually, uh, yeah… They’re-they’re not great. They’re okay. Anyway, he says he’ll fill the car up before he brings it back. He opts out of buying our gas.

Which is, like, ten percent of less than anywhere in town.

That’s right, babe. But that’s his prerogative, as Mitch says. Mitch is my manager. So, fast-forward to this morning. I get the car back, I check the tank. Three-quarters full. Quahog, we have a problem.

Stewie, you’re so funny.

It’s from a movie. Anyway, that’s a 150% markup. Turns out he was late for a flight and figured it’s worth it to eat the nine bucks. So, yeah, a Wednesday I won’t soon be forgetting.

One check fine?

$15 on this, the rest on theirs.

I like them.

Hmm?

Aaron and Shauna. They’re nice. I like them.

Yeah.

It’s comfortable going out with people in the same socioeconomic class as us, you know? I mean, I love the Burtons, but I don’t really like to go to dinner parties in apartments.

Apartment no worse than room in house.

You’re having a lot of those tonight. I think there’s a new This Is Us.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Babe, no. Our show. What’s Kate up to this week? Losing weight with Toby maybe?

Why you not have sex with me?

No, I know. I totally want to. It’s just, it’s our show, you know?

We watch show later.

Uh, and we sleep… when?

Uh, th-there’s just only so many hours in the day. You know?

No more putting off. Sex now. Wait, wait, wait. Black man in glasses?

Yes, yes. It’s a Sterling Brown episode.

I like Black man in glasses.

Okay, now we don’t have a room key for this hotel, so follow my lead.

They didn’t even ask at the last place.

Yeah, but we had one and we carried ourselves with key card confidence.

So, what’s the plan?

Let’s try hello.

Got it.

Good morning, how may I help you?

Hello…

Good morning, I’m staying here with my son, the Guinness record holder for longest hello. We were just wondering, where’s your breakfast buffet?

Just through those doors.

Thank you.

…o…

What is it?

Nothing, it’s just… this job is so cool.

My God, Chris, look. The crown jewel of hotel breakfasts. The Suites. At The Point. At The Quahog. At The Harbor. At The Promenade. At the goofy squirrel.

I’m not a part of the sign. But I am a little nutty.

That’s our next target.

I don’t like it.

I hear that breakfast buffet is like Fort Knox.

I’ll figure out a way in. After all, I snuck into Bryan Singer’s birthday party.

Excuse me, how old are you?

Not of legal age anywhere in the world.

Have fun, tell whoever you want. Weirdly, no one cares about this.

Hey. Is Stewie around?

No, he’s still at work.

Cool. Cool. Uh, can you just let him know I stopped by?

You can stay and wait for him.

Yeah, no, I’m just… I’m just late for my thing.

I hear you are famous writer. I want to talk your book. I have Dasani water bottle full of Rite Aid vodka.

I could chat for a second.

Every damn Wednesday.

Sorry I’m so late, babe. Levi no-showed again…

Uh, hey, Stewie.

Brian? What the hell? That’s my wife, man. Get off her.

Stewie, wait, I-I can explain.

What’s there to explain, Brian? You…

Hello? Levi, where you been, man? Look, I already gave you a verbal warning, so I’m gonna have to write you up. Levi, don’t call me that. Don’t-don’t use that word. Stop-stop using that word. I already warned you about calling me that at the last staff meeting. Okay, now that’s strike two, Levi. I can, too, give strikes. Mitch said I can give strikes. Don’t call Mitch that. Listen, I can’t talk about this right now. My dog is banging my wife.

I’m not gonna write him up. He’s the only one strong enough to change the water jugs.

Look, Stewie, I’m sorry. I honestly didn’t think you’d care. It’s not like you’re having sex with her.

I know, right? Once they say “I do,” they don’t.

Stewie, don’t be mad.

Don’t be mad? I’m driving all over New England picking up rigs and scrubbing upholstery so I can take you to nice places, and you’re in bed with my friend pitching woo? I’ll show you what happens to guys who touch my wife with this Mike Moustakas signature bat. Geez, they’re getting rather loosey-goosey with signature bats.

Stewie play ball?

Stewie, wait.

Aw. A boy and his dog.

You play doctor with my wife, Bri? You show her yours? She show you hers? Those are private parts. We don’t touch private parts. Did you kiss butts? Did you, Bri?

I kiss butts with a lot of people, but, Stewie, I’m sorry. I guess I just got carried away in the moment.

Well, I’m getting a little carried away right now. Bad one to miss on right there. Do I even need to ask, have you had your cooties shot?

Stewie, come on.

Just answer me, man.

Circle, circle, dot, dot, now I’ve got the cooties shot.

You can’t get it here. It has to be at school.

Well, Dad, we did it.

We sure did, Chris.

What did we do again?

He passed him a note.

What’s it say?

Okay, it’s okay. Just let them keep talking. He’ll mess up… Why is he getting up? Why is he getting up?

He’s on the move.

What do you got?

I got nothing.

Are you kidding me?

They never did catch my dad, but I wasn’t so lucky.

That’s breakfast, ladies.

I was sentenced to 12 to 15 years for hotel breakfast crim. But I wouldn’t snitch on the old man.

Hey, give me that oatmeal.

In the end, Dad figured out a way we could keep eating breakfast together. We just had to kill a guard or two. Actually, we had to kill a bunch of guards. It was bad. It became a so-so Netflix documentary that Mort and Rachel were able to watch with his dead wife’s uncle’s password.

Why always we come only here?

Babe, when-when you find gold, you don’t then, like, go looking for silver.

Stewie, why are we here?

Look, Brian, you’re my best friend. Zlata, you’re my wife. Mistakes have been made, but we need to move forward. We all agree on that?

So, you forgive me?

Well, I’ve been thinking about this situation, and I have a proposal for you. I want you to sleep with my wife again.

What?

I want you to have no-ties sex with my wife. But that’s it. If you think for one second that you’re gonna take her to a museum, think again. You blew that chance.

Um…

I’m talking like, right when you’re done boning, you’re gone. Stew Man comes in for the cuddles. Stew Man cleans up wet spots. You don’t get to do that. Not after what you did.

Uh, I’m-I’m a little confused.

Look, together we’re kind of the perfect husband. While you’re banging her, I’m walking with a shoebox full of our receipts to H&R Block.

So, y-you just want the crappy parts of marriage?

My friend, we have a very different idea of what that is. And I’m serious, if I catch you pulling one hair tie from her jeans pocket before you do laundry, I’ll break your arm, man.

Okay, Stewie, I-I guess I’m in. Just one thing.

What’s that?

I’m gonna need some more breadsticks.

Macaroni Grill. Come arrange your cuckolding agreement here.

Hey, Stewie, where’s Zlata?

It’s over. She left. I’m boxing up her underwear. She would just take them off and kick them into the corner of the room.

Hey, Stewie.

Hey, Doug.

Oh, I heard about Splitsville. Uh, that’s why I prefer the bachelor life: just me, my big wheel, and the doll I draw private parts on.

I hear you.

I like to put rocks in cups, Stewie. You can’t really do that with some gnat buzzing in your ear.

Do you shake the cup?

Not sure what else you do with rocks in a cup.

God, he’s so cool. I hate it. Well, there’s only one thing left for me to do.

You can take this job and…

Surprise!

Me? Yes, yes. Thank you. You don’t know how much I needed this today.

You’re all right, Griffin.

Levi…

For a.

Stop using that word.

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