Shameless – S11E07 – Two at a Biker Bar, One in the Lake – Transcript

The Gallaghers disagree on the fate of their childhood home. Ian and Mickey seek out gay friends. Debbie and Sandy have a visitor from Sandy's past. Lip and Brad prepare to sell stolen bikes. Liam and V hope to pass the rent control bill.
Shameless - S11E07 - Two at a Biker Bar, One in the Lake

Original air date: March 7, 2021

The Gallaghers disagree on the fate of their childhood home. Ian and Mickey seek out gay friends. Debbie and Sandy have a visitor from Sandy’s past. Lip and Brad prepare to sell stolen bikes. Liam and V hope to pass the rent control bill.

* * *

Hey, what are you doing here?

You didn’t even watch last week’s Shameless.

Get the fuck out of my truck.


[The High Strung The Luck You Got (Shameless Theme Song) playing]

♫ Think of all the luck you got ♫
♫ Know that it’s not for naught ♫
♫ You were beaming once before ♫
♫ But it’s not like that anymore ♫

♫ What is this downside ♫
♫ That you speak of? ♫
♫ What is this feeling ♫
♫ You’re so sure of? ♫

♫ Round up the friends you got ♫
♫ Know that they’re not for naught ♫
♫ You were willing once before ♫
♫ But it’s not like that anymore ♫

♫ What is this downside ♫
♫ That you speak of? ♫
♫ What is this feeling ♫
♫ You’re so sure of? ♫


[humming]

Good morning, oh brother of mine.

Made you breakfast.

[humming]

What’s with her?

I wouldn’t trust it.

[upbeat rock music]

Good morning, boys.

Look what I made.

Your favorite.

Why the fuck are you touching me right now?

Tami, Phillip, bacon rainbows?

Flower pancakes?

[Tami] Uh, we’re good.

Uh, good. Thanks, though.

Hey, bud.

So, um…

things got a little bit heated last night, but now that we’ve all slept on it, I would like to reopen the discussion about fixing up the house to sell.

Um…

if we knocked out a couple walls, created a more open floor plan, we could add 30 grand to the sale price.

[sighs] Debs, what do you think?

Oh, Phillip… Well, I think you can take your open floor plan and lick my vagina.

[Mickey] Gross.

Jesus fucking Christ, what is the big deal?

I grew up here.

Yeah, we all grew up here.

Maybe our kids can grow up someplace nicer.

Yeah, maybe somewhere Frank doesn’t live.

Oh, I see what this is.

It’s not even your idea.

Fucking Little Miss Middle Class wants her townhouse in Pilsen.

Whoa, hold on a second. I didn’t even–

How hard did you have to twist his little nut sack for him to do what you wanted?

[Lip] Nobody twisted my nut sack, all right?

And it doesn’t matter whose idea this is.

It’s a good idea.

You are the only one who doesn’t think so.

Well, Ian only thinks so because you think so.

What?

And Carl’s too stupid to think anything at all.

Hey, that’s not true.

Mickey and I have been saving up to get our own place.

When did that idea come? Right when Lip moved out.

“Lip got his own place. I should too.”

That’s bullshit.

I don’t just do things ’cause Lip says.

Well, you sort of do, though.

[laughs]

Name one thing.

Switched from tighty-whiteys to boxers ’cause Lip did.

I had a fungus issue. Boxers air the boys out better.

Totally. Who told you that again?

Lip. Fuck the both of you.

I’m my own man.

Okay, big shot. Why don’t you tell Lip you don’t wanna sell the house, then?

Mickey, hey, stop. Family only.

Mickey’s family.

Yeah, well, he’s just saying–

This doesn’t concern you, Tami.

Yeah, none of this concerns you, Tami.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. So Mickey’s family,

but Tami’s not family?

Yeah. They’re married.

Tami has no right to tell you to sell my house.

Oh, my God. I didn’t tell him to do anything.

What the fuck?

All right, back off.

All right? I got this.

Wow.

Carl, we sell, we each get 20 grand.

Right? Maybe more, okay?

You could get a sick bachelor pad for that.

Awesome.

You’re gonna have to clean that bachelor pad and cook your own meals.

Shit.

[Lip] You’ll be able to have sex without someone barging in and asking for deodorant.

[Debbie] But you’ll have to pay your own bills.

Look, you can do that online. It’s easy.

Carl doesn’t know which remote turns the TV on.

You think he can pay his own bills online?

Debbie, you can’t just insult your way into getting what you want.

And you can’t fuck your way into getting what you want, Tami!

[Lip] Hey!

[laughs]

The fuck is so funny?

I mean, why do you all still live together?

You obviously hate each other.

We don’t hate each other.

We don’t all hate each other.

We just all hate Debbie.

[Sandy laughs]

Hey, Ian doesn’t hate Lip. Ian loves Lip.

Lip is his only friend in the whole fucking world.

Oh, fuck you, Debbie.

She’s not wrong, though.

All right, could we all just put our personal shit aside, right, calm the fuck down, and just have a rational discussion for once?

[Carl] We have to pay for water?

[Debbie] Yes, water costs money.

Okay, how about we don’t calm the fuck down, and we get up in Debbie’s face, and we call her out for being the selfish brat that she is?

You cut hair, Tami.

Tami, Tami, not helping.

If Lip told you to lick a cat turd off a steam pipe in the middle of July–

Yeah, I got something here to lick on.

Nobody’s licking any turds! All right?

I could get a maid, right? I don’t wanna have to clean the shit out of my own toilet.

[Debbie] A maid’s not gonna cook for you.

You’re gonna starve.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay!

Everybody shut the fuck up, please.

Let’s just vote and be done with it.

Sell!

Shut up, Franny!

[Lip] Atta girl.

Nice mothering, Debbie.

Stop, all right? Tami, Mickey, stay out of it. Franny, you too.

I vote sell.

I vote no.

Ian.

I vote no.

Yes. Gallaghers, unite.

You fucking kidding me?

[Ian] Oh, shut up.

[Lip] Carl?

Can I think about it?

Yes.

Right now, decision.

Liam.

Where the fuck is Liam?

Mm, don’t you look beautiful!

No, sir. You let Lip hide stolen motorcycles in Kev-Fit.

You and I don’t have anything to say to each other until this is over.

It’s only for a couple of days!

Did you see that chopper?

I’ve always wanted a chopper like that.

I’d be ten times more fuckable in a chopper.

If you get on that chopper, you’re never gonna get… [softly] fucked again.

Brad’s got a buyer in Indiana.

Him and Lip are running two of them there today.

Get rid of them. All of them.

Yes, ma’am. Girls, you ready to go to school?

[Veronica] Where the hell are they going?

Girls?

Who’s in there?

Liam?

Hi.

Christ, Liam!

What are you doing here?

Lip’s selling the house.

Lip’s selling the house?

What?

Everyone’s moving on with their lives, and I’m gonna end up homeless.

Can I live with you?

You got this?

Yeah, I got it.

All right, cool. Girls, let’s go.

Come on. I gotta go sign in voters.

It’s election day.

But in the meantime, you and I are gonna talk about why young Black men can’t go around breaking into people’s houses.

Come on.

A Gallagher has lived in that house since before statehood.

My great-great-great grandfather Connell built it on the foundation of a Kickapoo hut, and it’s mine.

I should have a say.

I should have… more than a say.

I’m their father.

I gotta… I gotta stop this.

Thank…thank you. Thanks for talking me through this.

I’ll see you later.

[bartender] You gonna pay for those beers?

Just put it on my tab.

[bartender] You don’t have a tab.

[music playing softly]

Um…

Where… how did I get here?

I don’t know how you got here, but I know how you leaving if you don’t pay for your beers.

I ordered five beers, didn’t drink any of them?

Don’t care if you drink them or not, long as you pay for them.

Uh…

[music playing softly]

I, um…

Chubby!

[stool scrapes]

Jesus.

[low rock music]

Okay, okay.

[horn honks]

Out of the road, asshole!

Yo, bathroom free?

[Ian] I’d give it a minute.

What are you looking at?

Apartments.

Figure when you guys sell the house, we should probably have a–

[Ian] Sell?

You just dared me not to sell the house.

Come on, I was just giving you shit for always doing what Lip does, man.

Go tell the others we wanna sell this shitbag.

Let’s find a place with lots of rooms to fuck in.

You know what I mean?

No.

I change my vote, Debbie thinks she’s right, and I promised to never let Debbie think she’s right.

Promised who?

Lip.

Damn, man, you do need friends who aren’t Lip.

[Ian] I have friends who aren’t Lip.

Uh-huh? Like who?

Don’t say me.

[Ian] You.

All right, what friends have you got?

Don’t say me.

[Mickey] You.

See? Neither of us have friends.

Yeah, but as far as I’m concerned, a friend is just someone else I gotta shoot before they turn state’s evidence.

Yeah, well, if I need friends, you need friends.

Why?

You really want me hanging out by myself with a bunch of gay guys, talking about sex and stuff?

Why would you do that?

That’s what friends do.

Fuck you. Make friends with chicks.

Yeah, ’cause chicks wanna hear about our sex life.

Why do you wanna be talking to everybody about our fucking sex lives?

I don’t. But say I wanted to bitch about you not liking having your ass licked.

[Mickey] Oh, Christ. This again.

I can’t do that with a bunch of straight guys or with girls.

I can only do that with gay guys.

You already have some, don’t you?

You got a group of gay friends who know I don’t like getting my ass licked, and now I gotta go fucking murder a bunch of people.

No, but if I make gay friends, we’re gonna talk about sex, and if you’re not there, who knows what’ll happen?

Oh, really?

Remember the whole monogamy conversation we had?

What’d we decide?

We can hump other people when we’re together, not when we’re on our own.

Then I guess we should make some friends together.

Fuck, man, I hate the fucking gays.

All their “meh” and their “bleh.”

They’re not all like that.

Okay, well, let’s find some who aren’t like that.

Where do we find those gays?

I don’t know.

Furniture shopping? The gym.

Fancy places have free trial weeks.

All right, great, so we find some fucking fancy gays at the gym. Then what?

Smile?

Talk to them?

Jesus Christ, I gotta smile now too?

You seemed pretty happy with how I woke you up this morning.

Whatever.

[rock music]

[softly] Fuck me.

Hi. I brought you a coffee.

No, thanks.

Where you headed?

Winfrey Elementary.

Gonna go talk to the first graders about stranger danger.

Okay, well, you wanna… get together tonight, like dinner or something?

Uh, look, I don’t think we should be seeing each other anymore.

Okay. Uh…

W-wait, I-I thought that…

Okay. [scoffs]

Shh, there you go. Shh.

Yeah.

Yeah, all right, great. Yeah, I’ll see you in an hour.

A’ight, bye.

Hey.

Brad found a buyer for the bikes in Merrillville, so I’m gonna go pick them up from Kev’s and run them down.

Great.

I will start packing up some of our stuff and bringing it over to my dad’s.

I’m sorry. What?

Well, I mean, we have to be out of here in a few weeks.

Doesn’t look like you’re selling your old house anytime soon.

[Lip] Uh-huh.

We can’t afford a new place, so… I thought that we would stay with my dad just until we figure things out.

Oh, I’ve got things figured out, though, right?

I’m gonna get Liam and Carl on my side, we’re gonna sell the house, and we can use our cuts to get a new place.

Okay, but even if Debbie let that happen, we’re talking about remodeling.

You know?

That’s gonna take a while.

Well, I’m gonna sell the Indian, and that’ll get us enough to rent an apartment in the meantime.

Lip. “Sell the house.”

“Sell the Indian.”

How about just get a job?

You know?

Amazon is hiring drivers.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no. I’ve got applications in, all right, for mechanic jobs all over town.

That’s great, but, like, until you get one of those, how about deliver packages or flip burgers?

And we can stay with my family, save up for a new place like normal people.

No, I’m not living with your family.

Okay? W-with your dad and his Fox News and-and-and Cami and her fucking… fucking Cami-ness.

Oh, what, you think your family’s any better?

C-come on, you guys have a criminal record longer than the Gambinos’.

Look, it would be easier to fix up my old house if we were in it.

Well, Debbie… called me a controlling bitch, so we are not staying there.

Thank you for defending me, by the way.

You don’t think you’re being a little controlling right now?

I…I have a plan.

Okay?

Yeah, but it’s based on things that are not in your control.

Okay? With my plan, we have a place to stay. We have actual income.

[Lip] All right, wait.

Just give me the day, all right?

Let me work on Liam and Carl.

Let me sell the Indian, all right?

If it doesn’t work out, then we will talk about what happens next.

Just one day, okay?

Fine.

One day.

Okay. Hey.

It’ll work out, all right?

I promise you.

Okay.

All right.

Chu-chu-chu-chu-chu.

Hey, Brad. Uh, yeah.

You think you can, uh, find someone who would wanna buy the Indian too?

Six feet, assholes.

Where’s V?

Municipal elections.

She’s working at a polling station.

Maybe we should go vote.

V said if you tried to vote, she’s gonna beat the shit out of you.

[barfly] Can I get a Boilermaker there, Kev?

[barfly] JB on the rocks.

[Kev] Nobody wants coffee? Bunch of damn alcoholics.

[rock music playing]

Oh, there she is.

1948 Panhead… [hisses]

Burnt copper.

springer-rigged fork.

Totally chopped.

[rock music]

Bad boy treating lives like a broken toy

Bad boy…

Fuck it.

Nothing but bad

Your kind’s evil minor to the bone

Bad boy

It’s gonna get bad

Hey, Liam.

I just wanted to call and, uh, see where your head was at as far as selling the house.

Call me. Oh, and by the way,

I’m making Tuna Helper tonight.

Your favorite. Bye.

[shower running]

Hey, Carl. Uh, I just wanted to call and see where your head was at as far as selling the house.

Call me.

By the way, I put some pineapple Fresca in your mini-fridge. Your favorite.

Bye.

[Sandy] I don’t get it.

I say sell this shithole like Lip wants, get a Thunderbird, and let’s Thelma and Louise our asses to Mexico.

It’s not just Lip’s decision.

We make decisions as a family.

[Sandy] If you weren’t beholden to your family, you’d have way more fun.

Yeah, well, I’d still have Franny.

People with kids don’t get to have fun.

[Royal] Sandy!

Sandy!

Oh, that’s fucking Royal.

[Royal] Sandy!

Fuck that noise.

Wait, no. Debbie.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, don’t. No, no, no.

No, Debbie, stop.

[Royal] Sandy!

Oh-ho, Royal, you fucking pervert.

You can’t just force a 15-year-old girl to marry you…

Force her? I didn’t force her–

…and then stalk her for the rest of your fucking life.

Now get the fuck out of here.

No, Debbie, Debbie, stop it.

Stop it. What…what are you doing here?

I’m sorry, but you weren’t answering your phone.

They cut my hours at Verizon, so I picked up a job at Pizzeria Uno.

Okay.

Why is that her problem?

Because someone needs to watch Prince.

Who’s Prince?

[Royal] Come on, bud.

Hey. There you go.

No.

My mom’s in the hospital with another popped stomach staple.

You think I would ask if I had any other option?

Can you please just be a mother for five hours?

A mother? You–

Hey, you stay here with Mommy and her girlfriend, and I’ll come get you after Pizzeria Uno, okay, buddy?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You can’t just leave him here. What are you doing?

[Royal] I love you, buddy.

I’m sorry, Sandy. Five hours.

Oh

Hi, Mom.

[peppy music]

Don’t call me that.

[Debbie] Hey, Sandy!

Come.

Hey

Shit.

Can you change a twenty?

That’s a candy bar wrapper.

Oh, will you look at that? I’m sorry.

I was just diagnosed with dementia.

I must’ve picked up the candy bar wrapper on my dresser instead of my wa–

Bless you.

Sucker.

Gina! How are you?

You look wonderful.

Bitch, I don’t know you!

You’re not… I’m so sorry.

I thought you were my friend Gina, and…and I–

Fuck you, old man.

I’m…I’m sorry. I’m…

[bus PA] Via Wacker.

Thank you, Danica.

Excellent. [chuckles]

[upbeat rock music]

[siren wailing]

[softly] Shit, shit, fuck, shit, fuck, shit, fuck.

Hello, Officer. Kevin Ball, upstanding taxpayer and father of two.

This your chopper?

Yes…no.

No, it’s, uh, my friend’s.

I’m just taking it for a spin on the way to work.

You own Kev-Fit?

Hmm?

Yes, yes. I own Kev-Fit.

Where’d your friend get this bike?

I don’t know, but I’m sure he got it legally.

Think he’d be willing to sell it? I’ve been looking for a ’48 Panhead for years.

1,200 CCs, butterfly carburetor, springer-raked fork…

[both] Totally chopped.

[laughs] Right, Officer.

You know your bikes.

But I don’t think this one’s for sale.

[officer] Ask your friend. I can come by Kev-Fit later today.

Why don’t I, uh, get your number, and I can call you to see if he’s interested?

Cops don’t give out our personal info. Kev-Fit’s on my way home. I’ll stop by around 4:30.

But I don’t think he’s gonna be there. We close early if no one shows up to class.

If I don’t catch him today, tell him I’ll find him sooner or later. See you at 4:30.

Okay, Officer.

We’ll be there.

Or not. But maybe.

But we probably won’t be there.


Here’s your sticker, Mrs. Meyers.

[softly] Hannity-loving blue-haired old hag.

Don’t you dare vote against my rent control bill, white lady.

Where are all the Black voters?

It’s like a Paula Deen Tupperware party in here.

[Debbie on phone] Oh, and by the way, I’m making Tuna Helper tonight, your favorite.

Bye.

Now everyone wants to know how I feel about selling the house?

They didn’t ask how you felt about selling before?

No. They barely know I’m alive.

That is not true. They love you.

But you have got to speak up.

You are a young Black man in a white, white world.

You need to make your voice heard like all these white folk motherfuckers.

They making their voices heard.

Black people are not speaking up, so my rent control measure’s probably gonna tank, white gentrifiers will take all the housing, and the South Side will be the Gold Coast before you know it.

Where’s my mama? She always votes.

[sighs]

[jaunty ringtone plays]

Hey, stranger.

[Veronica] Hey!

You coming to vote today?

Oh, that was today?

Yeah. Get your behind down here.

[Carol] Oh, baby, I’m not gonna be voting.

I’m packing.

[Veronica] Packing what?

I sold the house.

Dominic and I are moving to Louisville.

Louisville?

[Carol] Yeah, I told you I was putting it on the market.

You know, I’m going through some of your old stuff, and, well, I’m not sure what to give to Goodwill.

How about none of it?

Okay, why don’t you come by later, and we’ll decide together?

All right, sweetie. Love you.

So why didn’t you tell me you abandoned a kid?

[scoffs] I didn’t abandon a kid.

I left a shitty situation.

Royal seems like a decent enough guy.

How was that a shitty situation?

I was 15, pregnant, and taken in by a 30-year-old who sells phones.

That doesn’t sound like a shitty situation to you?

Not shitty enough to abandon a kid.

I was a kid myself, Debbie.

I got bored.

You got bored…

Yes.

…so you abandoned a child.

Uh, yeah, I was 15.

I needed to find myself.

Don’t you ever wish you had found yourself?

No.

You never once thought, “Mm, gee, I wish I wasn’t tied down by Franny for the last five years of my life?”

Hell, no.

“I wish I could’ve left this house, like, struck out on my own, and seen the world”?

No.

Well, I guess you’re a better person than I am, then.

Yeah, sure sounds like it.

Oh, fuck you, you judgmental ho.

Where are you going?

To work.

What the hell am I supposed to do with Prince?

I don’t know. Put him on an El to Pizzeria Uno.

Hey, you cannot just run away from people, Sandy!

Shit.

[laughs]

Suit up, motherfucker.

Is that a vagina?

Yeah.

She’s also Sally the SVU Squirrel.

We have young victims show us on Sally where they were touched.

Don’t worry, we’ll put the skirt on her today.

[cell phone ringing]

You mind checking that for me? Back pocket.

Says “Shithead number four.”

[sighs]

Fucking Debbie trying to convince me not to sell our house.

Why would you sell your house?

So I can get a sick bachelor pad and not live with my family.

But I do love that house, and I kind of like living with my family.

But I got low-level raped in my man cave in the basement, and I do I really wanna live in a place with traumatic memories like that?

I’m sorry. Low-level raped?

I wanted to use a condom, but this girl mounted my dick before I could get one on.

Man. I was at a party once. A girl took me into a dark room, you know, to blow me, but what I thought was her mouth wasn’t her mouth. Nine months later, she’s having my baby, a month later, we’re married, two years later, we’re divorced, and now half my paycheck goes to alimony and child support, so now I’m stuck living with my grandma in Englewood while my ex-wife takes it up the pooper from some 18-year-old rapper who spends my hard-earned money on molly and DJ equipment.

Well, club circuit’s dead, bitches.

Who’s laughing now?

[peppy dance music]

Na, na, na, na, na, na…

There we go.

Na, na, na

Na, na, na, na, na, na

Fuckin’ A.

[Mickey] Okay, but how do we know who’s gay?

If they’re watching themselves work out in the mirror, they’re gay.

That means everybody out there was fucking gay.

You know what? Just hold this.

I gotta find a shitter.

[Ian] Sorry.

My bad, dude.

[spacey pop music playing]

How’s your workout?

Oof. Rough, man.

Trainer had me doing four different types of squats.

Gotta keep the tuchus in shape for my better half.

Oh.

Hey, you don’t have any glycolic undereye, do you?

Looks like they’re out.

I don’t know what that is.

Ah, found some.

No worries.

So is your better half here?

She’s teaching Pilates downtown.

She.

Wife.

Ah, yeah. Cool.

Good luck with the whole eye thing.

Hey, hey, two guys are jacking each other off in the steam room. Let’s go be friends with them.

Come on.

[rock music]

We’ve been down this road before…

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Shit!

Tommy!

Lip, hey, it’s Kev.

Uh, we got a problem.

Call me back. It’s about the… olen-stay ikes-bay.

How was the ride?

Not great. I think I accidentally invited a cop to see the bikes.

So?

They’re stolen, Tommy.

Stolen? Well, that was stupid.

Which part, the stolen or the cop?

Both, I would think.

You still got your truck here?

You gotta help me get rid of them.

Come on, man. I just got a fresh beer.

Tommy.

Okay, Christ. Meet you out back.

Lip, where are you? Call me.

Sorry, where are we?

Nearing the Howard stop.

Howard?

Did this bus magically skip the back of the Yards?

That was almost 30 stops ago.

Stop the bus.

Stop the goddamn bus.

Which way do I walk?

[indistinct PA announcement]

Thank you.

Next time, tell me, will you?

No. No, no, no, no, no, no.

I can’t do less than 12 grand.

[rock music playing]

All right, how about 11?

Seven?

Yeah, fuck you, dickhead. Jesus Christ.

He’s offering seven grand for the Indian?

Yeah. It’s the third guy that lowballed me today.

Now I won’t even clear a grand after everything I put into it.

Jesus. I will cut my own throat before moving in with Bob Tamietti.

Listen, we should clear at least 20 grand for these bikes in Merrillville.

Yeah.

Take some.

Use it to rent you and Tami a place.

No, no, man. That’s for your baby’s bills.

Take five.

Pay me back when you sell the Indian.

You sure?

Well, if it’ll keep you from cutting your throat, absolutely.

Thank you.

[Lip] What the fuck?

[rock music]

[Tommy] We’re just gonna leave them here?

We’ll come back for them when things have cooled down.

What about the chopper?

Too hot. Cop’s already seen me on it.

We’re gonna put it where no one can find it.

They won’t think to look for them here.

[Tommy] Oh, shit. Incoming!

Fuck.

Go. Go.

[biker] What the hell, man?

[biker] What the fuck? Hey!

You can’t just sell her childhood home like that.

Who is this, and why is he speaking to me?

I’m Liam. I’m practicing making my voice heard.

When did you up and decide to move to Louisville?

I’ve been telling you that I wanted to move for years.

You told me you were gonna give me a llama for Christmas when I was four.

I’m still waiting for that to happen.

Chicago isn’t the same anymore.

Black people are moving out faster than white people were stealing us out of Africa.

Which is why you need to stay. We have to fight.

Chicago is our home.

Honey, I’m just getting too old for this fight. I’m trying to raise a Black son in the white hipster capital of the Midwest. He’s watching white people sitcoms on TV in Crocs.

But Louisville?

Well, your aunts are there, and their sons, and husbands… you know, family.

What am I?

You’ve only seen me twice this year, and we only live eight blocks apart.

There’s a community in Louisville for me.

Baby, I’m sorry, but it’s… it’s just time.

[indistinct dialogue on TV]

[light rock music playing]

Can’t believe you wouldn’t let us be friends with those guys.

You can’t start friendships off with sex.

It sets a bad precedent.

First, we didn’t have sex.

We got hand jobs in a steam room.

Two, our friendship started with sex.

If you want me marrying one of those guys in ten years, then, yeah, let’s go back and make friends with them.

All right, fine, no steam room guys.

We can still go back for handies, though, right?

Definitely.

[Jay] I said mid-century.

Yes, but which part of mid-century?

It’s not just a year.

It doesn’t matter.

I said cabernet mauve, not cotton candy mauve.

Please, not those guys.

No.

[Tim] Just make a fucking decision.

Okay!

Hey, guys?

Darker or lighter duvet?

What?

I guess that depends on what part of mid-century.

Bedspread thing? Lighter.

Hides the lube stains. Let’s go.

I’m Ian. This is Mickey.

Tim. This is Brendan.

Hey.

He’s right.

Lube has destroyed, like, six sets of sheets for us.

Well, are you using water-based or silicone?

[cell phone chimes]

Silicone.

Water-based doesn’t stain.

Neither does spit. Ian.

[Tim] Ugh, Joe and Sherman can’t go to Anderson Cooper’s book signing today.

It’s just us, Jon, and Travis.

We’re free today.

For a book signing?

I don’t like books.

[Ian] We love Anderson Cooper, though.

We do. He’s great.

Listen, can I talk to you for a sec?

[softly] Who the fuck is Anderson Cooper?

Who the fuck knows? But maybe these guys can be our friends.

Oh, so we can’t be friends with the steam room guys, but we can be friends with fucking twinks buying a duvet?

Do you wanna fuck either of them?

No.

Then yes, we can be friends with the twinks buying a duvet.

I d-no–

We’re in.

Okay. Great.

[Tim] Okay.

Smile.

[Shep] And that is how Teddy got abducted and murdered, kids.

Now, do we ever take rides with strangers?

[all] No!

That’s right. Now, Sally is gonna teach you the difference between appropriate and inappropriate ways of being touched by an adult.

[all] Yay!

[Carl sighs]

[falsetto] Now, kids, sometimes an adult touches you and that’s okay, like a high five.

Is that okay?

[all] Yes!

[Carl] Now, what if an adult makes you have sex without a condom?

Is that okay?

Sally, Sally…

Maybe we should just–

[normally] See, I thought Tish was a nice girl until she started asking questions about my pension and benefits, and before I knew it, she was bouncing on my cock!

Cover your ears, kids.

[Shep] Gallagher!

And now I have to pay alimony, child support, and live with my family forever!

[breathing rapidly]

Come on, Kev, come on, Kev…

I promised those to the guy today.

There’s 20 grand on the line, Lip.

I know; he must’ve moved them somewhere, all right?

Moved them? Where?

I’m trying him.

Fuck!

Why can’t we just push it into the water from the beach?

Too shallow. Somebody’s gonna see it.

I’m gonna have to ride it off the end.

That is a terrible idea.

I’m gonna build up enough speed, and before it sails off the end,

I’m gonna jump off.

I saw Evel Knievel do it once.

Yeah, but he was Evel Knievel.

You rearrange the letters in my name, it almost spells Knievel.

Hand me the helmet.

No turning back

No turning back

No turning

No turning back…

Dear motorcycle gods, please don’t let me die.

Amen.

[heavy rock music]

Yee-haw!

[yells]

[tires screeching]

[water splashes]

Ooh, coming in hot

[Frank] For sale?

[rock music]

My house. They can’t sell my house!

No, darn it.

This is–uh… who-who told you that you could sell this house?

Um, sorry, do you have an appointment?

I don’t-I don’t need an appointment. This is my house! My wife OD’d in most of these rooms. My son was born in the tub upstairs. That’s–those are not for you. Out. Get out. Get out! This is… this is my house. You cannot sell this house without me.

Hello, police?

You okay back there?

Well, some fancy people are trying to steal my house, so…

That isn’t your house, sir.

You don’t think I’d recognize my own house?

Do me a favor. Look at yourself for a second. Now take a look at that house. Do you honestly think you live in a house like that? Hey, it’s okay. It’s okay. Look, I get confused, too, on occasion. Look, why don’t you just take your time, breathe a little, and when it comes to you, give me an address, and we’ll get you home?

You’re not gonna take me to the station?

No, you don’t seem like a criminal to me.

[laughs]

Shows what you know.

[Debbie] Okay. Dino nuggets.

Smiley fries are almost ready.

So, Prince, would you like to live here with us?

No, thank you.

[scoffs]

Well, it wouldn’t be a-a full-time.

It’d, you know, be a-a-a part-time custody situation.

That way, you could get to know your mom.

I don’t want to get to know my mom.

Well, she should get to know you, anyway.

She can’t just run away from people.

She has obligations.

No offense. I don’t wanna live here. It’s sort of a dump.

It is not a dump!

The faucet water comes out orange.

Well, that’s just rust. It goes away.

[sighs]

You should sell this place and get a new one.

We’re not selling this house. This is my family’s.

We’re gonna live here forever.

I’m just gonna live with my dad, if that’s okay.

No, it’s not okay.

Sandy can’t just get off scot-free.

It’s not fair.

To whom?

To those of us who are stuck raising a kid until she’s 18 years old.

No offense, Franny.

But that’s your choice, isn’t it?

What is?

To have a kid and raise it.

My dad said people make different choices sometimes and that’s okay.

Royal said that?

No. No.

Sandy can’t just abandon people.

I’m gonna talk to your dad about a joint custody situation when he comes to pick you up.

Hey, Liam, buddy.

Look, uh, I’m just calling to see where your head’s at as far as selling the house goes.

So, uh, call me back.

Oh, and, uh, Tami and I are making beef stroganoff for dinner.

That’s your favorite, so come on over later.

I love you. Bye.

[Brad sighs]

[Lip] Hey, Carl! Buddy, look.

I’m just calling to see where your head’s at as far as, uh, selling the house goes, so call me back, and, uh, hey, I put some of those Hot Pockets you like in your mini fridge for you.

I love you.

All right, bye, bud.

[Kev] Fuck.

Yo, where the fuck you been?

I’m fine, Lip. Thanks for asking.

Where are the bikes?

Had to get rid of them.

Why?

I got pulled over riding the chopper.

Oh, you took the chopper for a ride?

Could we not do that part right now?

The cop wanted to buy it.

Really? How-how-how much?

Guys, stolen bike!

[Kev] That’s why I had to get rid of them.

I took the Café Racer and the Norton to the Easy Throttle just until things cool down for a little bit.

All-all right.

W-w-w-where-where’s the chopper?

I drove it into the lake.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Fuck me!

Look, if anyone found that thing,

I would be going to jail, and I’m not gonna take that rap.

That was a down payment for an apartment and Brad’s money for hospital bills!

Look, how long ago did you leave them at the Easy Throttle?

A couple hours ago.

[Lip] All right.

Where you going?

The fuck you think?

Oh, fuck me.

Don’t it feel so good right now

To come alive, come alive

Rosé and charcuterie, everyone?

Ooh.

Pepperoni.

Okay, so what did you guys think about the book signing?

Uh, politics aren’t really our thing.

The white hair was kind of hot, though.

Tell us about Ian and Mickey.

What do you guys do?

We actually run an armed transport service.

Ooh, armed! You ever shoot anyone?

Yeah.

[laughter]

So where do you guys live?

Uh, South Side, with my family.

There are gays on the South Side?

You still live with your family?

Five brothers and sisters.

Oh, and me, Tami, your niece, your dad, and Sandy, actually.

Holy shit. So ten of you in one house?

Yeah.

Mickey and I are gonna get our own place soon, though.

If you ever grow a pair and tell Debbie.

[laughs]

If I had to live with my family, I’d kill myself.

Mm-hmm.

It’s really… it’s not that bad.

Oh, my God. You like your family?

Oh, I hate mine.

[Travis] Oh, me too.

[Jon] Ugh!

Yeah, I think we, uh… actually have to get going.

[Travis] What?

I’m not done with the pepperoni.

[Jon] Stay for dinner.

[Travis] Yeah.

Seth and Theo are coming.

It’s Julia Child night.

We’re roasting duck.

[all] Yes!

[Brendan] Come on.

Damn, but it’s just, we– you know, we really should, um…

We’ll-we’ll be right back.

[Brendan] Okay.

[rock music]

[softly] Can we please go?

Why would we leave now? They’re giving us free stuff.

They’re shitting all over my family and the South Side.

Who gives a shit?

Look, I don’t wanna fuck any of them, and they’re feeding us; as far as I’m concerned, they’re checking all the right boxes.

We’re gonna stay.

[all] Hey!

We can’t. We have…that thing.

Oh.

What?

What he means is that he’s got a thing, so, uh, I’m gonna stay.

Hey!

There we go!

You know, we can, uh, talk about sex and stuff.

Yay!

Yes!

And if I have a bunch of gay friends I talk about sex with when you’re not around, who knows what might happen?

Right?

I no longer have a thing.

Attaboy!

Whoo!

Ian doesn’t like to have his ass licked.

[all gasp]

[Tim] What?

Oh, my God.

It’s the best thing.

[Jon] Oh, girl.

[Travis] Are you even gay?

This your house?

Yep. This is my house.

Need help to the door?

No, I-I-I got it.

Okay.

[knocking]

[knocking]

[Frank] Oh, hi. I-I’m– I don’t mean to, uh, scare you. I just need to come inside until that man out there is gone.

Mommy!

[rock music]

Hey

[mother] Hey!

Ah!

[mother] speaking Spanish

No, no, no, no, no.

I’m–no, no. I’m–oh, shit.

[mother] yelling in Spanish

Oh, jeez.

So I’m gonna ask her to take it first.

I’m not a monster.

But she’s sort of a bad person, and if she says no and I gotta slip it into her drink, will it still work?

Or if she only drinks half that drink, will she end up having half a baby?

Or what if she’s having twins?

Will she end up only having one baby?

[sighs]

Should I just slip her two Plan Bs just in case?

Or what if I crush it down into a powder and tell her it’s coke, get her to snort it?

I mean, I don’t know if she does coke, though.

She’s trashy, so she probably does.

Why you so quiet? What do you think?

[mumbling] Oh, my God.

You’ve dealt with this before, right, Bill?

[cell phone ringing]

Hey.

Hey.

How was the day?

[Lip] Fine, good, yeah.

You sell the Indian?

Uh, I’m fielding some offers.

[Tami] Okay.

Uh, how’s it looking with Liam and Carl?

Uh, I haven’t got ahold of them yet, but I’m, uh, you know– I’m optimistic.

Okay.

[bags thud]

Uh, you gonna be home soon?

No, I’ll probably be a bit. There’s a… thing I gotta do first.

Okay. I’ll see you soon.

[Veronica] Why are you naked?

I drove the chopper into Lake Michigan.

Do I wanna know more than that?

No.

How’s Liam?

Dropped him off. He’s sad.

Well, you don’t look much better.

No Black voters showed up.

My mom’s moving to Louisville.

Carol’s moving to Louisville?

She says there’s no community for her here anymore.

Oh, baby, I’m sorry.

[both] Mm.

[Kev] Yeah.

You getting a boner?

Yeah.

Read the room.

Oh, come on, Little Big Kev has always made you feel better.

Not tonight.

I just wanna crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep.

[subdued rock music]

Okay.

Oh, yeah, these are so great.

Perfect for a full can of Schlitz.

[laughs]

Excuse me.

Carl?

Take this.

Why?

Because you rode me bareback so I’d plant a baby in your belly and you could take half of everything I own.

But, oh, no, girl, I’m onto you.

So take this Plan B with a full bottle of water, or I’m going to file a police report saying you raped me.

I’m on the pill. And…I thought you wanted to have sex.

I did, but with a condom.

I’m allergic to latex.

What, so you get, like, a rash or something?

Like, I’d die.

Oh. Well… then why were you asking about my job and benefits, then?

Because I liked you, Carl!

Oh. Well, I liked you too.

And you know what? It was nice. It was nice to know that I wouldn’t have to support you after I finished dental hygienist school.

You’re gonna be a dental hygienist?

[Tish] Yes! I’ll have my own job. I don’t need some punk-ass rookie cop taking care of me.

[laughs] That’s hot. What time you get off work?

Are you kidding? You dumped me, accused me of rape and extortion, tried to force an abortion on me…

Well–

…and now you wanna hang out again?

Yeah?


[Tim] Okay, UFC tournament.

Best female pop stars of all time.

Go.

[Brendan] Okay.

So Celine beats Taylor…

[Jon] Oh.

…sorry, in the quarters but then falls to Gaga in the semis, and then it’s Gaga and Aguilera in the finals.

Dark horse: Britney.

[Travis] Oh!

[Tim] Yes!

[Travis] It’s Britney, bitch!

[guest] Of course, yes. [laughs]

[percussive techno music playing]

So you really don’t like rimming?

What? Oh.

No, it was Mickey.

He was kidding when he said it was me.

Oh, cool.

So you do like rimming?

Okay, Mickey, another cocktail?

Can we please get the fuck out of here?

You said we needed gay friends.

Do you like any of these guys?

Fuck no, I’m blowing my nut over this duck, though.

[Jon] Here it is!

Ah! Whoo!

Oh! Oh, my God.

Whoo!

[pop music playing]

Rain on me

Rain, rain, rain on me

Rain, rain

[all singing along] I’d rather be dry

But at least I’m alive

Rain on me, rain, rain

Rain on me

Can we leave now?

Yeah.

Are you guys leaving?

Things were just getting interesting.

Rain, rain, rain

Rain…

Whoo!

I hear the thunder coming down

Won’t you rain on me?

Eh, yeah…

No.

You’re the one who said if we fucked them, we don’t have to be friends with them.

Rain on me…

Fine.

Rain on me

Hey, uh, Liam, buddy, look, I was thinking, you know, if we sell the house, we could start a college fund for you, so, uh, anyway, something to talk about.

Give me a call back when you can.

All right, bye.

Tami?

Little man?

[knocking]

Holy fuck.

[door slams]

[Tami] All right, hey.

Hey.

Hey, you give me a hand?

What’s-what’s going on?

We get robbed, or…

No, no, he just woke up.

Hey, hi, buddy.

Yeah, I just packed up some stuff and brought it over to my dad’s.

[Tami sighs]

Oh.

I’ll be right back, buddy, okay?

Hey, uh, why-why did you take our stuff to your dad’s place?

I-I thought we talked about this.

Yeah, w-we said you had the day to sell the Indian or convince your family to sell the house.

The day’s not over.

Okay, well, you didn’t sound too hopeful on the phone, so…

Uh, I thought we said if I couldn’t make it happen today, then we would talk about what’s next, right?

What did you think was next, Lip?

That I would try again tomorrow.

I thought what was next was that we would make the most stable decision for our family.

I put in an application at Amazon.

All right? Like you asked.

Can you meet me halfway?

Halfway to homelessness?

No. No, Lip.

I’m not gonna meet you halfway.

And, God, what is up with you lately?

Nothing, nothing is up with me lately.

Really? Because you’re being entirely unreasonable.

You’re obsessive.

Okay, you wanna catalog shit?

[Tami] You are fucking stealing shit

‘Cause I can take the notebook out, all right?

Are you drinking again?

No!

Jesus, I just don’t wanna live with your fucking family!

Okay, well, tough shit.

You had the day to make your plan work.

You didn’t make it work.

So unless you make something happen before we go to bed tonight…

Where are you going?

[sighs]

[indistinct dialogue and laughter on TV]

[Debbie] Hey.

Who’s the kid?

Sandy’s son.

You decide about the house yet?

Leave me alone. I’m heartbroken.

[door opens]

Why is he still here?

Royal’s not done at Pizzeria Uno.

But you should know that I’m gonna talk to him about us getting joint custody of Prince.

Uh, why?

If you’re gonna be living with me, you’re gonna be living with my rules, and my rules are that you don’t abandon family.

Well, I guess I’m not living with you, then.

What?

No. Sandy!

Sandy! Sandy!

What are you doing?

I’m getting the fuck out of here.

Ha. Great.

Add me to the list of people you run out on.

I don’t run out on people, Debbie.

It’s not that simple.

[Debbie] It is.

You-you either stick with people, or you don’t.

I stick with people.

Yeah, I stuck with you, until you turned out to be a fucking psycho.

Well, that’s not sticking with me.

That’s cutting and running.

People don’t just cut and run, okay?

There are reasons.

I ran out on Prince and Royal because I had no idea who I was.

[Debbie] That’s selfish.

It’s not selfish.

That is the definition of selfish!

You ran out on people who needed you because you wanted to go do your own shit.

I’ll never forgive you for that.

[sighs]

You’ll never forgive me for that?

They’ll never. Prince will never.

Holy shit. [laughs]

You think I’m Monica.

What?

I am not your mom, Debbie.

I didn’t just leave my family to do my own shit.

This has nothing to do with my mom.

Fuck you.

[Sandy] You are piling all your abandonment issues on me.

Right? ‘Cause what happened?

Monica ran out on you… and now the rest of them wanna run out on you too.

They don’t wanna run out on me.

They wanna sell the house and get the money.

[Sandy] You sure?

[Ian] Night.

[sighs] That was a bust, huh?

Oh, yeah, apart from a hand job, duck, and orgy, total waste of a fucking day.

Still think we need gay friends?

Need?

No. I mean, I’m not opposed to it.

We just…we want friends we have things in common with.

There’s a reason I do the same things as Lip.

I’m like Lip.

I’m okay if he’s my only friend for now.

All right.

Well, wanna go tell Debbie you wanna do what Lip wants on this thing?

She’s gonna love you.

She’s gonna love you so much.

[Sandy] Debbie!

Come on! Open up.

What’s going on upstairs?

[Carl] I’m not sure.

Hey, do you guys think it’s weird I’m in love with my rapist?

You weren’t raped.

Yes.

[Liam sighs]

I don’t wanna sell the house.

Where have you been?

Out finding my voice.

Wait, you’re voting not to sell?

Yeah.

So it’s you two and Debbie. That’s it, right?

Doesn’t matter what I vote. We’re not selling.

Well, I wanna change my vote.

Mickey and I want our own place.

So it’s two in favor, two against?

Yeah, me and Lip versus Liam and Debbie.

Fiona…

Lip!

Carl! [crying]

Debbie? Lip?

Out of the way, Frank.

Lip!

[relieved crying]

[Liam] If you vote not to sell…

Lip!

…I’ll iron your uniform for a whole month.

Vote to sell, I’ll buy you pizza rolls for a year.

How about vote to sell, and I won’t scoop your eyeballs out with a fucking kitchen spoon?

[items crashing]

Shit.

[rock music]

What the fuck are you doing?

Creating an open floor plan.

We’re selling!

No! No.

[Lip] Hey!

Deb! Deb!

[Ian] Relax, relax.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh…

Fuck you!

Whoa, oh, oh

Whoa, oh, oh…

Don’t look back, don’t look back

Don’t look back…

[police officer] Excuse me.

Does Phillip Gallagher live here?

We have a few questions about a robbery where he used to work.

He’s inside. Just be careful.

He’s got a sledgehammer.

That’s why

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh

Whoa, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh

Coming down on me

Teardrops on my face

Water like…

I can feel it on my skin

It’s coming down on me

Teardrops on my face

Water like misery

Let it wash away my pain

It’s coming down on me

[both] Let it wash away

I’d rather be dry

But at least I’m alive

Rain on me, rain, rain

Rain on me, rain, rain

I’d rather be dry

But at least I’m alive

Rain on me, rain, rain

Rain…on…me

I hear the thunder coming down

Won’t you rain on me?

Eh, yeah

Rain on, whoo

I hear the thunder coming down

Won’t you rain on me?

Eh, yeah

Rain…on…me

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