WandaVision – Episode 1 – Filmed Before a Live Studio Audience [Transcript]

Newlywed couple Wanda and Vision move into the town of Westview during what appears to be the 1950s. They attempt to blend in, despite Vision being an android and Wanda having telekinetic abilities.
WandaVision

Newlywed couple Wanda and Vision move into the town of Westview during what appears to be the 1950s. They attempt to blend in, despite Vision being an android and Wanda having telekinetic abilities. One day they notice a heart drawn on a calendar but neither can remember what the occasion is. While Vision goes to his job at Computational Services Inc., Wanda decides that the heart represents their anniversary. Their neighbor Agnes introduces herself to Wanda and helps her prepare for the anniversary. At work, Vision amazes his co-workers with his speed but is unsure what his company actually does. His boss, Mr. Hart, reminds him that Wanda and Vision are hosting Mr. Hart and his wife for dinner that night, which is what the heart on the calendar represents. That night, Wanda and Vision struggle to hide their abilities while making a last-minute dinner for the Harts. During the meal, Mr. Hart chokes on his food, and Vision has to use his abilities to save him. All of these events have taken place on the fictional sitcom WandaVision and are being watched by someone on a television screen.

 

 

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♫ Oh ♫

♫ A newlywed couple just moved to town ♫

♫ A regular husband and wife ♫

♫ Who left the big city To find a quiet life ♫

♫ WandaVision! ♫

♫ She’s a magical gal In a small town locale ♫

♫ He’s a hubby who’s part machine ♫

♫ How will this duo fit in and fulfill all? ♫

♫ By sharing a love like you’ve never seen ♫

♫ WandaVision! ♫

My wife and her flying saucers.

My husband and his indestructible head.

Aren’t we a fine pair?

(WANDA CHUCKLES)

What do you say to silver dollar pancakes, crispy hash browns, bacon, eggs, freshly squeezed orange juice, and black coffee?

I say, “Oh, I don’t eat food.”

Well, that explains the empty refrigerator.

Wanda?

WANDA: Hmm?

Is there something special about today?

Well, I know the apron is a bit much, dear, but I am doing my best to blend in.

No, no, there on the calendar. Someone’s drawn a little heart right above today’s date.

Oh, yes, the heart.

Hmm…

Well, don’t tell me you have forgotten, Vis.

“Forgotten”? Oh, Wanda, I’m incapable of forgetfulness. I remember everything. That’s not an exaggeration. In fact, I’m incapable of exaggeration.

Well, then tell me what’s so important about today’s date.

What was the question again? Oh, well, perhaps, you’ve forgotten yourself.

Me? Heavens, no. I’ve been so looking forward to it.

As have I. Today, we are celebrating…

You bet we are. It’s the first time we…

Mmm-hmm.

…have ever celebrated this occasion before.

It’s a special day!

Perhaps an evening…

Of great significance…

To us both!

Naturally.

Obviously.

Exactly. Well done, us. (EXHALES) All right. Well, that’s me off to work, then.

Oh, don’t forget!

I haven’t. Oh! (CHUCKLES) Have a good day, dear!

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Oh! Hello, dear. I’m Agnes, your neighbor to the right. My right, not yours. Forgive me for not stopping by sooner to welcome you to the block. My mother-in-law was in town, so I wasn’t.

(CHUCKLES)

So, what’s your name? Where are you from? And most importantly, how’s your bridge game, hon?

I’m Wanda.

Wanda. Charmed. Golly, you settled in fast! Did you use a moving company?

I sure did. Those boxes don’t move themselves.

(AGNES CHUCKLES)

So what’s a single gal like you doing rattling around this big house?

Oh, no, I’m not single.

Oh, I don’t see a ring.

Well, I assure you I’m married. To a man. A human one and tall. As a matter of fact, he’ll be home later tonight for a special occasion. Just the two of us.

Oh, is it somebody’s birthday?

Not a birthday.

Well, today isn’t a holiday, is it?

No, it’s not a holiday.

An anniversary then?

Ye… Yes! Yes! It’s our anniversary!

Oh, how marvelous! How many years?

Well, it feels like we’ve always been together.

Lucky gal. The only way Ralph would remember our anniversary is if there was a beer named June 2nd.

(CHUCKLES)

So, what do you have planned?

How do you mean?

For your special night. A young thing like you doesn’t have to do much, but it’s still fun to set the scene. Say, I was just reading a crackerjack magazine article called “How To Treat Your Husband To Keep Your Husband,” and let me tell you, what Ralph could really use is, “How To Goose Your Wife So You Don’t Lose Your Wife.” Hang on. I’ll go grab it and we can start planning. Oh, this is gonna be a gas!

(GIGGLES)

(GASPS)

Oh…


(SONG PLAYING THROUGH RADIO)

♫ Or you don’t go out Friday night Yakety yak! ♫

♫ You just put on your coat and hat ♫

Here are those computational forms that you requested, Norm. There you go.

Gee willikers, that was fast! Hey, the music isn’t bothering you, is it, pal?

In terms of distraction from work, or the largely nonsensical nature of the lyrics?

The first one.

Ah, no, thank you, Norm.

Hey, is there somethin’ I can help you with, buddy?

Yes, as a matter of fact, there is. Would you be so good as to tell me what it is we do here exactly? Do we make something?

No.

Right. Do we buy or sell something?

No and no.

Then what is the purpose of this company?

All I know is, since you’ve gotten here, productivity has gone up 300%.

Yes, but what is it we’re producing?

Computational forms. And no one can process the data quite like you do, pal. You’re like a walking computer.

What? I most certainly am not. I’m a regular carbon-based employee made entirely of organic matter, much like yourself, Norm.

Hey! What’s got your feathers all ruffled?

Yes, I’m sorry, I’m a tad on edge. You see, it appears there’s something special about today, special to Wanda, that’s my wife, and gee, I can’t, for the life of me, recall what it is. Mmm… Oh!

MR. HART: Good to see you.

Vision.

Yes?

Wife and I are looking forward to this evening.

Mr. Hart. Of course! Dinner with Mr. Hart and his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart.

That’s what I said. What’s wrong with you? Have you got a screw loose?

Oh, no, sir. Screws all tightened, sir.

Yes, I should hope so. Employee dinners are a rite of passage for the new hires.

Ah.

Jones over there failed miserably. Isn’t that right, Jones?

The wife thought five courses would be sufficient.

And there was that paltry excuse for entertainment.

A string quartet?

And then you had that embarrassing display of beatnik enthusiasm.

I wore a turtleneck.

Yes. Best of luck out there in the unemployment line, Jones. You know, I owe my success to being a keen judge of character. No skeletons in your closet, eh, Vision?

I don’t have a skeleton, sir.

Glad to hear it. Your future in this company depends on it.


AGNES: And you don’t have a song? Nothing special you played at your wedding?

No, nothing special.

I’ll just loan you some records then. So, we’ve got music covered, decor, wardrobe. Oh! What about seduction techniques?

Oh, I have those.

(CHUCKLES) Of course, you do.

Just out of curiosity, what does it say?

That you should stumble when you walk into a room so he can catch you. It’s romantic.

Any other tricks?

You could point out that the death rate of single men is twice that of married men.

Now, that’s romantic.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(PHONE RINGING)

Oh!

(SIGHS)

Vision residence.

Wanda, darling.

Vision, sweetheart.

Listen, about tonight…

Don’t worry, dear. I have everything under control.

Oh, well, that is a relief. I must confess, I’m really rather nervous.

“Nervous”? Whatever for?

Well, you know, darling, I still get a little tongue-tied.

Vis, after all this time…

There’s an awful lot riding on this one, Wanda. If tonight doesn’t go just so, I think this could be the end.

Well, it’s just one night. There’s no need to get dramatic.

Look, I think the best course of action is to impress the wife.

And I think the best course of action is to impress the husband.

VISION: Well, wonderful! Glad to know we’re both on the same page. Until tonight, then, my, darling.

Until tonight. Oh…


Is your husband tired of you burning his toast? Try our new and improved ToastMate 2000. It’s the go-to for clever housewives.

Say, this machine has some shine.

You said it. Set the dial and get the taste back into your toast. Top and bottom heating elements can handle anything from meatloaf, to cherry pie, to open-faced cheese sandwiches.

(TIMER TICKING)

(TOASTER DINGS)

The all new ToastMate 2000 by Stark Industries. Forget the past. This is your future.


Here we are!

Oh! How very atmospheric!

What’s going on here, Vision? You blow a fuse?

Pardon me while I just go and fetch the lady of the house.

Guess who?

Wanda!

Vision. (GASPS)

Oh! Oh!

Ah…

What is the meaning of this?

(STAMMERING) Well, what is… Yeah, what is the meaning of… Oh, the meaning of it! You want to know the meaning of it and the meaning of it is that this is the traditional Sokovian greeting of hospitality. Guess who?

Is that my host behind me?

It certainly is.

Lovely to make your acquaintance.

Yes! (CHUCKLES) See, I forgot to tell you my wife is from Europe.

Oh, how exotic!

We don’t break bread with Bolsheviks.

Oh, hush, Arthur! Have you no culture at all? (CHUCKLES) And that dress!

Yes! It’s… It’s so… Sokovian, is what it is! Yes!

Can I just see you in the kitchen for a moment, sweetheart?

Oh, yes!

(BLOWS CANDLES)

Who are those people?

What are you wearing?

Why are they here?

What are you wearing?

Well, it’s our anniversary!

Our anniversary of what?

Well, if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you!

That… That man through there is my boss, Mr. Hart! And his dear lady wife, Mrs. Hart! The heart on the calendar was an abbreviation!

You move at the speed of sound and I can make a pen float through the air. Who needs to abbreviate?

Darling, listen, it’s all romantic to do the candles, the music, that stunning outfit…

Well…

I don’t wanna be unappreciative, but right now…

Your boss and his wife are expecting a home-cooked meal.

Exactly.

(SIGHS)

Any chance they’d settle for a single chocolate-covered strawberry split three ways?

Uh…

I might have a better idea.

Hmm.

So I said, “If we orient the forms horizontally rather than vertically, we can use twice the paper, we can bill twice the cost.”

(LAUGHS) You truly are a pioneer! But the larger purpose of the forms is…

Was to analyze our input and our output.

Huh.

You’re awfully dense, aren’t you, Vision?

Oh, Agnes! You’re a life-saver!

What kind of housewife would I be if I didn’t have a gourmet meal for four just lying about the place?

(LAUGHS)

Well… Not that Ralph ever wants to eat anything but baked beans which explains a lot about his personal appeal, mind you. Oh, my!

Oh! Oh!

Do you think Wanda needs help in the kitchen? We haven’t any tidbits or tartlets out here, nary a pig in a blanket.

No, that… (CHUCKLES) No, that’s so kind of you, Mrs. Hart.

(CLATTERING)

But I’m sure she’s absolutely fine in there!

Oh, thank you, Agnes. I think I’ve got it covered from here.

Oh, are you sure, dear?

Hmm.

Many hands make light work. And many mouths make good gossip.

You’re so naughty! (LAUGHS)

Oh, shall I just pre-heat the oven then, dear?

That won’t be necessary.

Oh, All right, then. Well, I know you’re in a pinch so this menu can be done in a snap. Lobster Thermidor with mini-minced meat turnovers to start. Chicken à la King with twice-cooked new potatoes for your second course, and Steak Diane and mint jellies for your main. Do you set your own jellies, dear?

Yes.

Good girl. Recipe cards are on the counter there. Bon appétit!

(CHUCKLES) Oh!

Oh, oh. You men stay put. I sense a domestic emergency, so…

Mrs. Hart, please don’t. You can’t. You… Please…

♫ Yeah, take out the papers and the trash ♫

♫ Or you won’t get no spending cash ♫

♫ If you don’t scrub the kitchen floor ♫

♫ You ain’t gonna rock and roll no more ♫

♫ Yakety yak! Don’t talk back ♫

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Well, why don’t we have a nice sing-a-long, all together then, shall we?

(GASPS) Oh, no, too much! Oh, no, not enough!

(SINGING) ♫ Old MacDonald had a farm ♫

♫ Ee-I-Ee-I-O ♫

♫ And on that farm he had a… had a… ♫

♫ Pig. ♫

♫ Ee-I-Ee-I-O ♫

♫ With a… ♫

♫ Oink, oink… ♫

♫ Here and a… ♫

♫ Oink, oink… ♫

♫ There ♫

♫ Here an oink, there an oink ♫

♫ Everywhere an oink, oink ♫

♫ Old MacDonald had a farm ♫

♫ Ee-I-Ee-I-O ♫

Oh, what was I supposed to do next? Oh, what was the main course again? It was… Steak… No. Steak… Steak… Diane!

Yes? Oh, I think that must be my wife summoning me.

She calls you “Diane?”

Yes, it’s her pet name for me.

(SIGHS)

I’m just coming, Fred. Excuse me a moment.

(GASPS) Oh, no.

How can I be of assistance?

Well, the chicken is no longer a chicken and the lobsters just flew the coop so the steak is the last man standing. It says here I can cut down the prep time with a meat tenderizer.

Excellent plan. Where’s the tenderizer?

I’m looking at him.

Ah.

Hoo-hoo in there!

WANDA: (GASPS) Hoo-hoo back to you!

Okay.

Finish the meat, find the lobsters. I’ll be right back.

I hope you’re hungry.

Starved, is more like it.

My head is starting to feel woozy.

Were either of you aware that married men are killing single men at an alarming rate?

What are you going on about?

(LOUD THUD)

And what’s going on in there?

Whoo-hoo! Ho-ho! (GASPS)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Who could that be?

Coming!

Oh, you didn’t answer the back door. For your upside-down cake. Oh! Hi, I…

Who was that?

A salesman!

Telegram! A man selling telegrams.

Wouldn’t you know it. Good news is more expensive.

I couldn’t find the lobsters and did you want the meat tender or pulverized?

Oh, dear.

Well. I think tonight’s going swimmingly. Anyone for Parcheesi?

My head is spinning.

Oh, Mrs. Hart…

Did you hear that? My wife’s head is spinning. Generally speaking, I don’t like her head to do that.

Time to improvise.

You know, I’m beginning to think you’re not management material, Vision. You know, I had high hopes for you. But from what I’ve seen here tonight, you can barely keep it together. I mean, look around. There’s all this chaos going on in your household. Now, when are we gonna eat?

Dinner is served.

VISION: Ah!

Breakfast for dinner? How very…

European.

Ooh! Let’s have a toast! To my lovely and talented wife.

To our esteemed guests.

Yes. Cin cin.

Cheers.

Well, please eat before it gets cold.

MRS. HART: Hmm?

Oh, Mrs. Hart, allow me.

So, where did you two move from? What brought you here? How long have you been married? And why don’t you have children yet?

I think what my wife means to say is that we moved from…

Yes, we moved from…

And we were married…

Yes, yes, we were married in…

Well? Moved from where? Married when?

Now, patience, Arthur. They’re setting up their story. Let them tell it.

We… Our story… (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Yes, what exactly is your story?

Oh, just leave the poor kids alone.

No, really, I mean, I think it’s a perfectly simple question. Honestly. Why did you come here? Why? Damn it, why? Why did you…

(CHOKING)

Oh, Arthur, stop it. Stop it.

(CHUCKLES)

Stop it.

(CHOKING)

MRS. HART: Stop it. Stop it.

(MR. HART CONTINUES CHOKING)

Stop it. (CHUCKLES)

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

(GROANS)

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Vision, help him.

(COUGHING)

Let me help you up. Give me your hand. All right, steady on, sir.

(GASPING)

Well, would you look at the time? (CHUCKLES)

Yes. We’d better be going.

Well… Are you both all right?

We had such a lovely time. This guest is leaving your home.

(LAUGHS)

Yes, thank you for coming. (CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

You made me proud tonight, son. First thing Monday morning, you and me are gonna have a little chat. We’ll see about that promotion.

Yes, sir! Thank you, sir!

MR. HART: Thank you.

Oh… What a charming door knocker. Good night!

(BOTH EXHALE IN RELIEF)

(SIGHS)

We are an unusual couple, ya know?

Oh, I don’t think that was ever in question.

Well, what I mean is… We don’t have an anniversary.

Huh.

Or a song. Or even wedding rings.

Well, we could remedy that. Today could be our anniversary.

Of what? Surviving our first dinner party?

Precisely. And our song could be?

Yakety Yak, naturally.

Naturally.

Hmm.

And the rings?

Well, couldn’t you make some for us?

I do. Do you?

Yes. I do.

And they lived happily ever after.

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