Godmothered (2020) – Transcript

A young and unskilled fairy godmother ventures out on her own to prove her worth by tracking down a young girl whose request for help was ignored.
Godmothered (2020)

In a magical place called the Motherland, fairy godmothers train so that they can help people’s wishes come true. Among them is the youngest, and only fairy who is not elderly, Eleanor Fay Bloomingbottom who gleefully commits to the craft despite not being very good at it. The godmothers stick to a “formula” that many have grown bored with (e.g. true love, castle, etc.). Eleanor learns from another godmother that the school is to be shut down, as nobody makes wishes anymore, and that they will have to learn to be tooth fairies instead. Determined, Eleanor checks the assignment room and discovers a letter from a 10-year-old girl named Mackenzie Walsh and decides to help her. She is aided by the oldest student, Agnes, who warns her that if she is found out, the school will shut down and, worse, her powers will be stripped.

Eleanor ends up in the real world where a friendly trucker takes her to Boston, Massachusetts, where to her shock, Mackenzie is a miserable 40-year-old single mother who works at a failing television station that reports on puff pieces. She manages to convince her that she is a fairy godmother by displaying her magic and Mackenzie is forced to take her home to her two children, Mia and Jane, and her sister Paula, who helps with looking after the kids. Mackenzie has trouble raising her children as Jane has social anxiety when it comes to singing, which she needs to do for her high school. Eleanor is forced to sleep in the basement and comes to believe, based on a comment Mackenzie made, that her husband ran away.

Eleanor begins affecting the family’s lives when she starts tagging along with Mackenzie to work and meets her coworkers Duff and Hugh Prince, the latter of whom has feelings for Mackenzie, much to Eleanor’s delight. Eleanor accidentally creates a colorful explosion in the sky and later creates a citywide blackout. She becomes a viral sensation following a sledding accident, the latter of which gives the news station higher ratings. Eleanor learns from Mia that Mackenzie’s husband died and realizes that it is connected to Jane’s anxiety and helps her by having her sing “My Favorite Things” in public. Meanwhile, Mackenzie’s newfound optimism convinces her to undergo a makeover and she begins hanging out with Hugh more; himself a divorced father with a son.

Agnes tells Eleanor that she needs to have Mackenzie’s true love found by midnight the next night, or she will lose her powers. She convinces Mackenzie to attend a party being thrown by their unscrupulous boss Grant and attempts to use her powers to make her fall in love with Hugh. This fails and Mackenzie berates her for trying to impede on her life. Their argument is heard by everyone at the party with Grant believing that all the recent stories were planned. Mackenzie tells Eleanor to leave, though Paula finds her fairy godmother book and sets out to look for her. To Mackenzie’s surprise, Grant wants Eleanor back to exploit her. When Mackenzie refuses, Grant fires her and Hugh quits after revealing that he was offered another job.

Mackenzie learns that Jane still has anxiety, as she needs to sing for the high school at the Christmas festival that night. They find Paula trying to help Eleanor create a pumpkin carriage. They tell her that they need her and she creates a watermelon carriage to take them to the show on time. Jane performs using her father’s guitar to a stunned audience. Moira, the headmistress, arrives to take Eleanor away, calling her a failure. However, Eleanor informs her that she realizes that the formula is dated and that everyone has their own idea of true love. After encouragement from the Walshes and the audience, Moira concedes that Eleanor was a success and the two of them head back with the assignment completed.

In the epilogue, rendered in traditional animation, Eleanor has become a teacher in Motherland and is seen teaching new children godmothers the new way.

 

 

(CHIRPING)

AGNES: Once upon a time, there was a magical place called the Motherland, where Fairy Godmothers lived and learned all they needed to know about godmothering.

Oh, blah, blah, blah.

We all know how this bit goes.

This is not your usual fairy tale.

Fairy tales end with “happily ever after,” and that’s where we begin.

AGNES: Good morning, Motherland!

It’s almost the weekend, and you know what that means.

Grab a pumpkin, raise your wands, break out the glass slippers, it’s time to party like it’s 1699.

I’m gonna kick things off with everyone’s favorite pop hit.

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING)

I’m Agnes. I’m 172 years old at least.

And I’m too cool for school.

It’s why they made me the resident DJ, and I don’t have to go to lessons.

But this isn’t about me.

This is the story of Eleanor.

She’s the Motherland’s youngest trainee and the only person who’s bothered to apply in decades.

All she wanted was to graduate, to be a real Fairy Godmother, to have her name in a book alongside the greats.

That’s her in the pink, without any pals.

(GASPS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Uh-oh, here comes trouble.

(DOOR OPENING)

This is Moira, the headmistress.

She wrote the book on Fairy Godmothering, literally.

Let us open our texts, shall we?

AGNES: She’s been banging on about the same old formula for centuries.

Yesterday, we reviewed step one.

AGNES: Oh, you didn’t know there was a formula?

Recite it with me, please.

ALL: A glittery gown turns a frown upside down.

Ooh! Oh, wow!

Ooh!

It’s just the same.

Once you’ve conjured the gown, you’re on your way to step two.

Which is?

ALL: Find their true love.

Correct.

Now, once the gown and true love are in place, we move on to step three.

Which is?

ELEANOR: Oh, please?

Anyone?

Anybody?

Oh, I know it.

You?

My arm’s tired.

MOIRA: Anyone else?

Hurts to hold it up.

Literally anyone.

Oh. Oh, please?

Yes.

Happily ever after.

Correct.

(GIGGLES)

Really? Again with the formula?

Can we do something different today?

(GASPS)

(HESITATES) No. Because we never really do anything.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

Enough!

Enough!

AGNES: And this is where the problems really started, because Moira is not someone you want to cross.

Step three is happily ever after.

It just happens.

Yes, it just happens.

It’s step three.

If you’re confused, I can be your study buddy.

I’m totally available, like, anytime, day or night.

MOIRA: There’s no reason to be confused.

The formula has been the cornerstone of Fairy Godmothering since it began because it works.

If it works, then why is everything around here falling apart?

(ALL GASP)

Everyone knows that people have stopped believing in happily ever after.

Well, everyone except Eleanor, that is.

And she’s never gonna be a Fairy Godmother.

Well, you said so yourself.

When’s the last time anyone went on assignment?

(ALL MURMURING)

No more assignments mean no more Fairy Godmothers.

So when exactly were you going to fess up to her and us that you are about to shut this school down, and we are all being retrained as Tooth Fairies?

(GASPS)

(GASPS) What?

AGNES: And this was the moment that Eleanor realized she would never be a Fairy Godmother unless she found an assignment.

Now, being a Tooth Fairy didn’t sound so bad to me.

You only work nights, you’ve always got a little change in your pocket.

But Eleanor, she was not about to give up her dream.

All she needed was one assignment.

And about 40 to 50 years more training.

ELEANOR: Whoa! Ouch!

(GRUNTS) Ow. Oof!

There has to be something in here.

Wish I could levitate. (GRUNTS)

Nothing. Nothing.

Nothing! Ugh! Nothing?

Nothing!

Okay. I give up.

AGNES: And just when she thought all was lost…

ELEANOR: Wait. What?

Please.

Yes!

YOUNG MACKENZIE: Dear Fairy Godmother, my name is Mackenzie Walsh, and I live at 8566 Hawkins Street in Boston. In America.

And I need your help.

(ELEANOR SCREAMS)

(THUD)

(GROANS) I’m okay.

YOUNG MACKENZIE: Obviously I would like world peace, but there is also a boy in my class, and he is the cutest boy in the whole school.

It is my dearest wish that he would even notice me.

Please, could you help make that wish come true?

ELEANOR: Toothbrush.

Nightgown. Books:

Howdy!

(YELPS)

Where are you going?

What? No, I’m not going anywhere.

If I was going somewhere, I’d be packing away my books. Like this.

And my toothbrush.

And my extra underpants. Like this.

Oh, and my spare wand. In case of emergencies.

Did you see me do that? No. I don’t think so.

I know what you’re doing, Eleanor, I just don’t know why.

Can you keep a secret?

I am a secret.

I went to the Assignment Room.

Why? It’s empty. That’s why they’re shutting us down.

It’s not totally empty. I found an assignment.

Get outta here!

No.

Look.

Mackenzie Walsh, age ten.

I’m gonna help that little girl and save the Motherland by proving that people still need Fairy Godmothers.

Well, you got moxie, kiddo.

But even if this girl does need a Fairy Godmother, you’re not trained.

Well, I’m not going to get trained if the Motherland is shut down.

And even if I don’t know everything, I know that I can do this.

(SINGING) I was born to be a Fairy Godmother

It’s in the very heart of me

Ow!

You know you’re not supposed to sing. We’ve talked about it.

You’re gonna miss my singing when I’m gone.

Trust me when I tell you there are worse things than being a Tooth Fairy.

Moira’s not a big fan of fairies going rogue.

If she finds out you’re gone, she could close the portals back, or take away your magic.

Shh, don’t say that.

I have to do this.

Well, if you’re going, you’re gonna need to know the way out of here.

(BLOWS NOSE)

Right.

Kid, you’d better move fast.

(GASPS)

You only have a few more days before Moira closes us down.

Thank you, Agnes.

Knock ’em dead, kid.

Oh, Agnes, if everything goes right, nobody’s gonna die.

Goodbye.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Oh.

I can do this, I can do this.

I can do this.

I can’t do this.

(SPEAKING LATIN)

Oh.

Nicely done. (CHUCKLES)

(GRUNTING)

(SQUEALS)

(GRUNTS)

(THUD)

(GROANS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SPEAKING LATIN)

(SCREAMING)

And they say portal crossing is a senior-level course. (CHUCKLES)

(GASPS) What in Godmother’s name!

Hello, friends. Which way to America?

East? West? Oh, both.

(GASPS)

Pumpkins! Yes!

All right.

One carriage, coming up.

(SPEAKING LATIN)

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, no!

Not the big one!

(SIGHS)

There’s gotta be a better way to travel.

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

(PANTING)

(CAR HONKS)

(SCREAMS)

Hey. Hey!

Hey, are you okay?

(BOTH SCREAM)

You can’t sleep here.

Why? Are there dragons? Evil fairies?

(SIGHS)

In a manner of speaking, yeah.

Oh.

Whoa!

Oh, your carriage must’ve required an enormous pumpkin.

How many footmen are inside?

Uh, none. Just me.

Beth.

(CHUCKLES)

Beth. You’re hilarious.

Everyone knows women don’t drive themselves.

That’s what mice are for.

Sweetheart, are you on drugs?

Of course not.

What are drugs?

Oh, boy, that’s a yes.

Look, do you have anyone you can call?

I guess there’s my roommate.

(LOUDLY) Agnes!

Agnes! Agnes?

She must be doing her morning announcements.

I can find a bluebird to bring her a message once I get to Boston.

Is that where you’re headed?

Oh, yes. I’m looking for my future forever friend, Mackenzie Walsh.

She lives in Boston, Massachusetts. In America.

Let’s see what we can find.

Oh, good, a map.

Siri, search Mackenzie Walsh.

AUTOMATED VOICE: (OVER SPEAKER) Okay. Here’s what I found.

Who said that? Is there a genie in there?

(SOFTLY) Don’t answer that.

Okay. I think we need to get you to your friend as quickly as possible.

Yes.

The good news is, I’m headed that way.

(GIGGLES)

Okay.

(ELEANOR GRUNTS)

BETH: Welcome to Beantown.

So then I said, “I don’t want to be a Tooth Fairy.”

Yep. I lost my heart to a Tooth Fairy one night at Burning Man in 2004.

They’re no good.

Well, you should be able to find a Mackenzie Walsh in there.

Oh, thank you for everything.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, take this.

Thank you.

Are you sure I can’t make you a ball gown before I go?

Nah. I got a few in the back.

Oh, thank goodness.

Bye.

(CHUCKLES)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ooh.

BARB: Coming up…

What would you do if you found out your parents weren’t actually your parents at all?

That’s the dilemma faced by two men, both born in the Massachusetts area.

The babies were switched at birth and reunited with their families 20 years later,

only to discover that the hospital had it right the first time.

But our top story tonight is out of Essex County, where residents were left shocked and confused.

Look at this barbaric sight.

Now, police have no motives…

(GASPS)

…for the destruction of the pumpkin patch, but believe local pranksters may be to blame.

If only these inflatable scarecrows could talk.

Back to you, Barb.

Thanks, Hugh, for that explosive update.

We’ll be back in a minute with news of a bed that was delivered up a ladder in Dedham yesterday.

Please text or tweet us the strangest things you’ve seen going up a ladder.

(BELL RINGS)

WOMAN: You can’t be here!

GRANT: (LOUDLY) Really, people?

That’s the best you got?

Conference room!

Now!

WOMAN: What do you think you’re doing?

Looking for a sad little girl named Mackenzie Walsh.

Awkward haircut, red, like an angry leprechaun.

Kelly in Brookline has emailed. She once saw a duck on a ladder.

So deal with that bombshell how you see fit.

Mack, you have a visitor.

Uh-huh.

I’m looking for Mackenzie Walsh.

Yep, that is me.

Hey, Murry, can you please move it along?

I promised my kids I’d cook dinner tonight.

Then I must be looking for your daughter. Could you tell me how to find her?

(SCOFFS) Who are you? The world’s laziest kidnapper?

Why would I tell you where my kid is?

Is this someone’s idea of a joke?

I’m sorry, I think there must be some mistake.

I’m looking for the Mackenzie Walsh that lives at 8566 Hawkins Street.

How do you know my old address?

Your old…

No.

No, no, no.

No, it can’t be you. You’re…

Old. So old.

This is a disaster. A woman your age couldn’t possibly still need someone to make her dreams come true.

Yeah, right, because I’m clearly living the dream.

Now, who are you?

Well, I’m Eleanor, and I’m your Fairy Godmother.

(SOFTLY) Security.

And I’m here to help you find happily ever after.

Oh, you wanna be on the show. Okay.

Uh, are you from a matchmaking app, a dating website, what?

Oh, actually, I’m from the Motherland.

Right. I’ve never heard of that.

(SOFTLY) Security.

WOMAN: Mack.

Grant says get in here. Now.

I’m late for a story meeting.

ELEANOR: Oh.

Come up with something a little more original than the Fairy Godmother act, and maybe we can get you a segment for Valentine’s Day.

It’s not an act. I really…

Over here.

Ma’am.

Oh, footmen?

GRANT: Okay. The viewing numbers are in, folks, and they are not a pretty read.

I mean, look at this. We’re still in… (SMACKS LIPS)

I don’t know how to read this.

Fifth place.

Fifth, like five? There are only four news shows.

Okay, I could try a different shade of spray tan.

No, no, ever since we switched you to coconut glow, you are killing it with teen girls and shut-ins.

It’s the rest of you that need to step your game up.

Especially you two!

What was that?

“Cops think pranksters blew up some pumpkins.”

That is not getting eyes on the box.

But, “Police rule out witchcraft in mysterious pumpkin cult massacre”?

That’s a story!

ELEANOR: I really am her Fairy Godmother.

Do you wanna see my magic wand?

I mean, look what Dave did last month.

Dave forgot to bring us back from commercial for 12 minutes, and nobody noticed.

Wrong. Dave got people talking about us.

Is that the summit of our ambition, really?

Okay. You think you can do better?

Tomorrow, Bruins’ playing Golden Knights, Cold War classic at TD Garden.

Dave, you’re my guy, so you’re covering the game.

And I want the two of you on the tailgate.

So tell me, how are you gonna get people talking about us?

Actually, I was thinking, instead of covering the tailgate, we could do a segment on the team donating coats to the city’s homeless youth.

I’m sorry, what’s your name? I don’t care. You are boring.

I am bored. You have bored me.

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

Look at this guy. 2008 called. Wants its haircut back.

(CHUCKLES) Actually, the numbers on his hair are huge.

And his face and his smile. (GIGGLES)

You should give your head a pat on the back.

Way to go, head.

ELEANOR: Ooh!

She oughta be committed.

Oh, I am. Totally committed.

What if we shoot B-roll of everyone cooking in the parking lot, and we do a whole “Is there salmonella at the tailgate” kinda thing?

Go on.

Uh, or, uh, face paint.

Uh, on fans’ faces.

“Is it poisoning fans? Find out at 11:00.”

Face paint isn’t poisonous.

Yeah. And we’ll tell them that at 11:00.

Good. That doesn’t totally suck.

All right, people, I just want you to focus on what’s important. Okay?

And that’s fourth place. All right?

Oh, I’m sorry, are we keeping you?

I hope you’re not running anywhere without re-editing that pumpkin debacle for the 7:00 p.m. show.

Thank you.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SIGHS) Can’t we do better than face paint and salmonella?

Yeah. Let’s make it E. coli.

Come on, Mack. I’m serious. If we found some stories that were inspiring, we could light a fire under this place.

I can’t afford to lose this job.

(SIGHS)

Me again!

(YELPS)

It’s me, Eleanor.

This is getting…

Okay, okay.

I’m your Fairy Godmother.

Just back off, lady!

I know what you’re thinking, and it’s true.

Most Fairy Godmothers are a lot older.

If you can overlook my youth and your total lack of experience, you’ll find I have a real can-do attitude that’s gonna take us very, very far.

I will call 911.

Oh, I’ll show you.

No. Please wait. No, please don’t. I have kids.

(SPEAKING LATIN)

MACKENZIE: (EXCLAIMS) Huh?

Oh!

(GASPS)

(GASPS AND GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

What just happened?

I was trying for a ball gown.

It’s not my best work, but at least it’s weather appropriate?

Oh, my God, it’s happening. I’m finally losing my mind.

Don’t be silly. This is magic?

Yo, Mack, what’s the occasion?

Wait, Ray, you can see this?

Uh, it’s kinda hard to miss.

You look hot.

You’re not supposed to say that kinda thing in the workplace.

I mean, your face is all red and sweaty.

Oh, my God, he saw it. It’s real.

Of course it is.

Now, do you have a carriage here, or shall we hitch a ride in someone else’s pumpkin?

Shh, that’s Grant, my boss.

What…

He can’t see me like this!

Oh!

Why?

MACKENZIE: Because you poofed me into a sleeping bag.

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

(ALARM BEEPING)

(BRAKES SCREECHING)

Okay, don’t press. Can you…

What is that?

Hang on…

MAN ON RADIO: 96.1 Classic Radio…

Who’s talking?

(BEEPING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Just… Okay.

(SCREAMS)

It looks like me!

Yeah… Oh, my God. Okay, listen.

I’m gonna drop you at the South Station, and you can get on a Greyhound and head back to wherever it is you came from.

What… Did you say a greyhound?

Yeah, a Greyhound bus.

They’re turning greyhounds into buses?

Uh…

Typically, they just become footmen.

(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Actually, they would be faster than a pumpkin.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Okay. Stop! Stop.

Don’t you have somewhere else that you can go?

No. Not locally.

Oh, Except for those lovely princes in the alley said that I could stay with them, as long as I didn’t mind sharing knitting needles.

Okay.

(FESTIVE MUSIC RESUMES PLAYING)

All right. Here…

Take this money and just get yourself something to eat.

Oh, thank you. I am really hungry.

Oh, it’s hard and thin.

Wait, stop! Spit it out!

Spit it. Ew.

No, this is money. Then you can go and stay in a hotel.

I’m sorry, but you have to go.

ELEANOR: What…

MACKENZIE: Out you go.

Wait.

What about your dearest wish?

(SIGHS) What dearest wish? What are you talking about?

See?

Where did you get this?

Well, you sent it to me when you were ten.

(ELEANOR GRUNTS)

Why have we stopped at this hovel?

Shouldn’t we proceed directly to the castle?

(SIGHS) This is the castle. I live here.

(CAR HONKS)

Real estate prices must be much more expensive in Boston than they are in Motherland.

Hey. You can stay for one night.

Oh, something has my gown.

You are not meeting my kids.

Can’t you just puff yourself an igloo or something?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, ice castle construction?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I wish.

You’re putting me in the dungeon?

Not a dungeon.

Huh?

MACKENZIE: It’s a basement.

Stay here and be quiet.

Got it.

Okay. Get me out of this.

Right.

Of course.

Here we go. (SPEAKING LATIN)

Funny story, I might not quite remember how to poof you back.

Great.

Sorry.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(GRUNTS AND YELPS)

(GRUNTS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(SINGING) This is the song you sing

When you’re in the dungeon

This is the basement dungeon song you sing

Police are not ruling out witchcraft in what is now being called the Essex Pumpkin Cult Massacre.

Coming up next, we’re gonna show you how to turn a pinecone…

Hey.

…into your favorite celebrity.

Hey, Bingo.

BARB: (ON TV) I know who mine is. Chris Pine.

Coming up later, Mass General Neurosurgery Department…

(MACKENZIE EXCLAIMS)

(THUD)

…gets a new head, and you won’t believe his name.

Sorry I’m late. Again.

Ryan Brain.

Ah, I see everyone is still wide awake and watching TV.

Only thing that would make this better is if you’d had pizza for dinner and you hadn’t done your homework.

Wow, it’s like you’ve been here with us this whole time.

Well, the pizza had vegetables on it.

MIA: We didn’t eat them, but they were there.

(CHUCKLES) What are you wearing?

Um, it was for a story.

Ah.

Hey, how was your spelling test?

I failed.

What?

But I quizzed you on it last night. You got 100%.

So, you know that I know the same thing as the people who got an A.

Ha, ha. Bed. Now.

(GROANS)

Good night.

MIA: Good night.

Good night, Bingo.

Hey.

Hey.

JANE: Mom.

A middle-aged woman is on a rope swinging over a river.

I think everybody knows how that’s gonna end. How was your day?

It was fine.

Mr. Clancy wants her to sing a solo for show choir.

Paula.

Well, it’s exciting.

But you’re not in show choir.

No, but Kent Buckus is. Only he got mono.

Now, half the choir’s out sick, including Kim Murphy.

So, now Mr. Clancy wants me to sing Kim’s solo at the parade next week.

What parade?

The big holiday parade downtown.

Did you tell him you don’t wanna do it?

Yeah, I’m going to. It’s a dumb idea.

Uh… Look, it’s not a dumb idea.

It’s just… They’d be lucky to have you.

There’s a reason you didn’t join show choir.

Yeah, I know. It’s fine. Forget it. I’m going to bed.

PAULA: Night, babe.

Night.

MACKENZIE: Good night. I love you.

(SIGHS)

I bet when Beyoncé was young, her mother used to encourage her in exactly the same way.

Did Beyoncé hyperventilate so badly in her eighth-grade talent show that she passed out and cracked a rib?

In seventh grade, it was hives.

She scratched those scabs so badly they got infected,

I had to take her to the hospital at 2:00 a.m.

She had a fever of 103. Doctor said she could have got sepsis.

If you ever get sick of your job as a TV producer, you could become a motivational speaker.

Sixth grade, she projectile vomited before she got onstage.

Every time she goes to perform, it’s a complete disaster.

She ends up totally crushed.

You sound like Mom.

Well, Mom has common sense.

Mom didn’t raise Beyoncé.

Oh! (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

What are you doing?

Oh.

Is this your true love?

Not anymore.

What? What do you mean?

Step three says that you find your true love and you live happily ever after.

Well, we did live happily.

(SIGHS) But life isn’t always a fairy tale.

Sometimes people grow or change or get divorced or fall out of love or run off and join a cult or fall in love with a skinny Pilates instructor.

Life isn’t as simple as “happily ever after.”

But it has to be.

I came all this way to help you find your heart’s desire.

My heart’s desire now would be a clean house and maybe the eyebrows that I had before I started stress plucking.

That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

What happened…

What happened to the little girl that wrote me this letter?

I guess she grew up.

Do you want me to make your bed?

No, I already did it.

Don’t root around in any of my boxes.

All right. Good night.

No, thank you.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

AGNES: Uh-oh, kids, here comes Moira.

(MOIRA CLEARS THROAT)

Pretending like everything’s still fine.

Let us open our texts, shall we?

Now, the role of a Fairy Godmother is…

(ALARM BUZZING)

(ALARM STOPS)

(YAWNS)

(GASPS)

Good morning, friend.

How did you get in here?

Oh, hey, now they look just great. Like two little fox tails.

MACKENZIE: What?

(CHUCKLES)

(GASPS) What have you done to my eyebrows?

What have you done to my house?

(CHUCKLES)

Last night, I did some thinking.

I know you don’t believe in happily ever after, but that’s why I’m here.

And if we’re going to find it for you, you’ll need a castle.

The hovel won’t work.

You turned it into Medieval Times.

I know, right?

(GRUNTING)

Oh…

(PIG GRUNTING)

Oh, my God, Bingo?

Bingo, is that you? (GASPS)

You turned my dog into a pig?

Technically, he’s a piglet.

I was trying for a woodland creature to help out with all this housework, obviously, but then the spell got away from me.

You need to put everything back exactly the way that it was.

I’m serious. I don’t want a castle.

I really don’t want my kids finding out I have a Fairy Godmother.

Oh. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Hi, girls.

Oh!

Hi.

(GRUNTING)

Huh? Bingo?

(DOOR CLOSES)

PAULA: Who wants bagels?

Whoa, what did you do to your house?

Whoa! (CHUCKLES) What did you do to your eyebrows?

Mom has a Fairy Godmother.

No, uh, Eleanor is a set decorator from the station.

(ANIMAL CHITTERING)

(ALL SCREAM)

ELEANOR: (GASPS) There you are!

(CHITTERS)

Where have you been?

(GIRLS SCREAM)

Oh, it’s okay. He’s just here to help with the housework.

Oh, right. Does he do laundry as well?

I’d keep him away from your clothes. (CHUCKLES)

Raccoons are best for light work.

They’re very good with brooms…

(CHITTERS)

Uh, dusting and sweeping.

How did you just do that with the broom?

Magic. Levitation is something I’ve really been working on.

Can you magic me a new iPad?

ELEANOR: Sure.

(CHUCKLES) One eye patch, as requested.

Wait, can we just take it back to the fact that there is a raccoon sweeping your kitchen?

MACKENZIE: Mmm-hmm.

(CHITTERING)

ELEANOR: His name is Gary, by the way.

You know what?

I don’t understand what’s going on, but, uh, it’s going on Facebook.

Uh, are you crazy? They’ll cart us off to a rubber room.

To be honest, I’m not really supposed to be here either.

(GROANS) If my headmistress Moira, back at the Motherland, found out about this… (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Oof! It’d be a disaster.

Right. We don’t want her Fairy Godmother boss back at the Motherland to find out.

PAULA: Uh-huh.

So, Eleanor’s gonna go back today, right?

Right. Eleanor’s gonna… Wait. What?

(GARY SNEEZES)

No, I can’t leave until I help you.

I don’t… (LOUDLY) …need any help!

Are you kidding?

All you do is complain about how stressed you are.

She’s always tired.

And grumpy.

No, that is not totally true.

Is it?

Uh…

So, she can stay? Please, please!

Please, Mom.

Please.

(MACKENZIE SIGHS)

Please! Please!

Okay.

(CHUCKLES)

MACKENZIE: Okay, you guys have gotta get to school, and I gotta get to work.

And… Are you gonna be okay here by yourself?

Oh, sure. Gary and I can work on a moat.

You know, maybe you can come to work with me…

Oh!

…but first fix my eyebrows, please.

COMMENTATOR: Welcome to the Cold War Classic.

The Boston Bruins versus the Golden Knights.

Go, Bruins!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Here. Put this on and try to fit in.

If you do any magic, I’ll lock you in the trunk.

Hey, guys.

Ah, look who’s here.

Yeah, guys, sorry I’m late.

It was a crazy day. This is my cousin, Eleanor.

Oh, I’m actually her Fairy…

Favorite cousin. She’s visiting, and so I said she could tag along.

Ah. Hiya, I’m Duff, on camera.

Duff Oncamera. What a lovely name.

Oh, wow. Look at all this stuff.

You must have the strength of a giant and the brains of a wizard to be in charge of all this.

Nice to meet you. I’m Hugh Prince.

(GASPS)

(WHISPERS) Prince. (GASPS)

I like your costume. You must be a huge fan.

(INDISTINCT CHEERING)

MAN 1: Go, Bruins! MAN 2: You go, baby! You go!

Yes. Go, Brains!

Bruins.

Hmm?

Bruins.

Bruins. (CHUCKLES)

Bruins. (CHUCKLES) So funny.

I like her already.

You sure you don’t need any help?

DUFF: Thanks.

But dealing with this camera is literally my job.

Hmm.

What do you do?

Oh, I help people find their happily ever after.

You must be from California.

Hmm.

I was thinkin’ we could do a story about the organization’s effort to recycle.

They’re leading the way for households…

We could do that.

Next month, we’ll be living in a storm drain, drinking sewer water and eating roadkill to survive, because Grant would’ve fired us.

There are some guys having an eating contest, shoving chili dogs down their masks, which can be pretty gross.

Yeah, and if we get lucky and someone chokes, we could even do a story on killer chili.

We could only dream.

Meantime, I’ll go look for people eating undercooked wings.

Great.

Go, Brains!

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my Godmothers.

(GASPS) That Hugh Prince is so handsome and nice.

And according to Duff, he’s not living happily ever after with anyone.

Enough with the “happily ever after.”

I have to work, Eleanor, please.

Why don’t you help me? Why don’t you… Oh!

You see these hot pots of chowder…

ELEANOR: Mmm-hmm.

…all over the tailgate?

Why don’t you go try ’em and report back and tell me which one is your favorite?

Cauldrons of magical concoctions?

Yes!

I won’t let you down.

Oh!

Mmm!

Mmm!

(CHUCKLES)

Mmm!

(MUFFLED) Thank you.

MAN: You’re welcome.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Notify the Pulitzer Committee.

(ELEANOR BREATHING HEAVILY)

Wait, is that…

Is that Eleanor?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

MACKENZIE: Eleanor?

Wait.

HUGH: Hi.

Eleanor. Eleanor, is everything okay?

ELEANOR: Hey.

(MUFFLED) Oh, yes.

It’s just a little hard to breathe.

Oh, okay.

ELEANOR: Mmm-hmm.

Is face paint poisonous?

No…

MACKENZIE: Look at her!

This is what I look like after I have shellfish.

MACKENZIE: Oh.

You had any seafood?

Not really. Just six bowls of chowder and 18 lobster rolls…

DUFF: No.

HUGH: Oh…

DUFF: That’s bad.

I have this for later.

DUFF: No!

No! Okay.

There’s an EpiPen in the van, and we’ll get the winner.

(GASPING) It’s really getting hard to breathe now.

(GRUNTS) I got it.

Oh, good.

Okay.

Uh, there’s no instructions.

I’m just gonna pop the cap off this, and then, uh, jam the needle into your thigh.

Needle? You said it was a pen?

Eleanor, you need this!

ELEANOR: No, needle! No, no, no!

Eleanor! Eleanor!

(BOTH SHOUTING)

Eleanor, you need this! Please!

No, needle!

Look, there’s a unicorn!

Where?

(MACKENZIE GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS) No!

(SHOUTING IN LATIN)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Mayhem today outside the Bruins game.

Channel 8’s Hugh Prince was on the scene.

All right, city officials tell us no fireworks were planned and they have no explanation for what’s happening.

However, local authorities believe the event may be caused by an unusual weather phenomenon.

And what about reports that it might’ve been

some sort of military space weapon?

I have not heard about a space weapon. Do you have a source for those reports?

No. But as soon as we do…

Thanks, Barb.

…you can bet that we will update this story.

Space weapon?

Thank you, Hugh. Please stay safe out there.

(CAR HONKS)

You mean well, but this isn’t gonna work.

What? No, it’s only been one day.

And my house looks like Game of Thrones, you turned my dog into a piglet, you almost blew up the Bruins.

Well, because you stabbed me.

I saved your life. Who eats that much seafood?

Sharks!

MACKENZIE: (SIGHS) It’s late.

You can stay one more night, but you’re gone in the morning.

Meanwhile, events on the ice are just as remarkable…

Eleanor! Hi!

The Golden Knights are losing a whopping 12-0 in the second period.

Your report is on every channel.

Everybody’s using your footage. It’s so cool.

It’s as if the magic in the sky has put a spell on the Bruins’ fortunes.

(SPEAKING LATIN)

(WHIRRING)

(CLOCK CHIMING)

Kid?

(SCREAMS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Agnes?

Hiya, kid, can you see me okay?

Whoa!

What is this?

What? Haven’t you ever heard of FaceTime?

Oh, Agnes…

Oh, I’ve missed you. Oh!

It’s so good to see you.

Well, I wish I could say the same, kid, but word on the quad is that Moira knows you’re gone.

(GASPS)

Yeah. And if she finds out that you’re doing an assignment, she’ll go off her rocker.

Oh, no. She loves her rocker.

You need to come home.

Well, I can’t. I’m not done yet.

Well, what’s the holdup?

Nothing.

Mackenzie’s not ten, for one thing.

She’s old, and she’s got kids.

And she says that people run off with “piratis” instructors, which I think is how she says “pirates.”

And there’s this prince named Hugh, but she won’t even consider him.

She doesn’t believe in happily ever after.

Greta was right.

Sheesh!

I know!

Sounds like she doesn’t even believe in “happy.”

Agnes…

I gotta go.

I think I just figured out what to do.

Well, okay, kid, but do it fast.

You only have four days left.

Right. Fast. Bye!

Do I hang up? Or do you? Bye!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, good. You’re awake, too. I’ve got great news.

I figured out why you’re not interested in happily ever after.

(SIGHS) Because it’s a fairy tale construct that teaches people that normal life is not enough?

Because you need a makeover!

Relax. You’ve made it quite clear that you prefer dressing like a crone.

I’m talking about a happiness makeover.

I hit the books last night, and you know what you never see?

A grumpy princess.

Right.

You need that moment where you dance through the town and you’re singing to the animals and all the villagers.

Huh. Yeah, okay. Remind me to add frolicking to my schedule.

You need to do something nice for yourself for once.

I can’t today. I have to go to the bank, help the kids with the homework, fix the light that’s broken in the bathroom.

That is what Gary is for. (LOUDLY) Gary!

Bathroom light!

(CHITTERS)

ELEANOR: And, kids, homework!

(CHITTERS)

Listen, Hugh told me about this place downtown that is full of people, places, and potions that are all designed to make you happy.

There might even be someplace that could magically give you the skin of a young maiden?

Hmm?

What about the kids? (CHUCKLES)

I’m a Fairy Godmother. I think I can handle a couple of kids.

I suppose I have to go grocery shopping,

but just please don’t let them stare at a screen all day.

Okay.

(GRUNTS)

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Wow.

So that’s a-movie.

What a wonderful a-movie.

(SPEAKING LATIN)

(MIA EXCLAIMS, CHUCKLES)

Hello.

Jane?

(GIRL SINGING OVER LAPTOP)

Mia!

(MIA GIGGLES)

Mia, stop!

Son of a butterscotch. That is good. Who is that?

Nobody.

It’s her.

That’s you? Oh, my goodness!

Oh! You’re really talented.

You really think so?

If I sounded like that,

I would just walk around singing to everyone.

On the street, in school, in forests, in castles, on trains, in dells and meadows, those large moving metal staircases!

Electronic superstores…

JANE: Yeah, we get it.

You’d sing a lot.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, yeah.

Well, you should put on a concert.

(SIGHS) She can’t.

She freaks out if she has to sing in front of people.

Really? Why?

It doesn’t matter why. I don’t wanna talk about it.

I’m afraid I’m not able to make your mom or Jane happy.

Mom doesn’t believe in “happy,”

or crafts or Christmas.

I knew it!

She says to Aunt Paula, “There’s no point in believing in happy, because just when you do, somethin’ comes along and smashes it right off the side of I-95.”

What does she mean?

I think she’s talking about when my dad died.

He died?

Oh, no!

No, no, no.

I thought he just ran off to teach skinny pirates.

Uh…

He was in a car wreck about four years ago, just before Christmas, but we don’t really talk about him because everybody gets upset.

He used to sing with Jane all the time.

Oh, dear!

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Wow. Look at you. (CHUCKLES)

Mia, let’s go get your sister.

Okay!

Thank you. Merry Christmas. Have a nice day.

HUGH: We’ll just do the same routine.

We’ve got, like, 45 minutes left or something.

Do your thing with the tea, like you did last year. That was so good.

And, yeah, we’ll head off.

Give me a sec.

Mackenzie?

Hugh?

Why are you dressed like Prince Charming?

It’s not Prince Charming.

Did Eleanor put you up to this?

Up to what?

I, uh, like your hair, by the way.

Today’s the Boston Tea Party. The Sons of Liberty never sleep.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) You one of those weirdos who dresses up for re-enactments?

Samuel Adams. At your service.

Oh.

Why?

Civic duty, My Lady.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Voting is a civic duty, but…

Your trousers are very tight.

(HESITATES) Yeah.

Hey, you wanna come check it out?

No.

Come on, it’ll be fun. Join us.

Definitely not, but I’ll see you Monday.

You’re missing out.

The Sons of Liberty get pretty wild.

Ain’t no party like a Tea Party.

Uh-huh.

Oh, what am I doing?

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, I’m going to sing. And you’re just gonna back me up.

All right?

Trust me.

When I start singing, nobody’s gonna even notice you.

(PLAYS FLUTE)

(PLAYING CHEERFUL TUNE)

(SINGING) Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens

This is awesome.

Bright copper kettles And warm woolen mittens

Brown paper packages Tied up with strings

(LAUGHTER)

MAN: I’ll pay you to stop.

These are a few of my favorite things

Cream-colored ponies And crisp apple strudels

Doorbells and sleigh bells And schnitzel with noodles

Wild geese that fly With the moon on their wings

(STRUMMING)

These are a few of my favorite things

Girls in white dresses With blue satin sashes

Snowflakes that stay On my nose and eyelashes

Silver white winters That melt into springs

These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites

When the bee stings

When I’m feeling sad

Oh.

ALL: (SINGING) I simply remember my favorite things

And then I don’t feel so bad

(GASPS)

ELEANOR: Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

WOMAN: Oh, that’s not nice.

WOMAN 2: That was a bit mean.

(SINGING) Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens

ALL: (SINGING) Bright copper kettles And warm woolen mittens

Brown paper packages Tied up with strings

These are a few of my favorite things

Cream-colored ponies And crisp apple strudels

Doorbells and sleigh bells And schnitzel with noodles

Wild geese that fly With the moon on their wings

These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites

When the bee stings

When I’m feeling sad

I simply remember my favorite things

And then I don’t feel so bad

(CROWD CHEERING)

ELEANOR: Thank you!

I know. We were very good.

MIA: Mom!

Ooh, treasures.

MIA: Mom!

(BOTH LAUGH)

Mom, you look amazing.

Like a princess.

Did you see Jane singing?

I think Eleanor fixed me.

I got hit in the face with a snowball, and we sounded kind of terrible…

But I didn’t barf.

And we got $6.

And a chicken nugget.

Well, I’m so glad that you had fun.

Should we get home? I’ve got ice cream.

Mom, look, can we get it, please? I love it so much! Please.

You were wonderful.

MIA: Please? Please…

Please? Please, please?

Please?

ELEANOR: Oh, please, please?

MACKENZIE: Gary, a little higher on the left.

(CHITTERS)

Gary? (SIGHS)

Gary, that’s your right paw.

(CHITTERS)

Are raccoons usually this dismissive?

City creatures certainly have more attitude than those from the woodland realm.

Would you prefer I conjure a badger instead?

They tend to be more biddable creatures.

(BICYCLE BELL RINGS)

(CHITTERS)

GIRL: Look! Hey, hey, on top!

Uh, I think I’ll talk to him first.

GIRL 2: Is he hanging up the lights?

ELEANOR: Gary? Did you hear me say, “Do what you like”?

MACKENZIE: Excuse me, can you listen to me?

GIRL 2: Is that lady talking to him? ELEANOR: Don’t embarrass me.

Can you just hook that one over the window?

Gary, did I say to put the lights in your mouth?

(LAUGHTER)

No! No, over the…

(THUD)

CHILDREN: Oh! Ouch!

ELEANOR: Fine. Put the lights in your mouth and see what happens. (SCOFFS)

I can’t believe we’re discussing the work ethic of a raccoon.

I don’t know what’s happening to me.

Aw, you’re starting to believe in magic, aren’t you?

That ship has sailed.

Mia told me what happened.

I know your prince didn’t leave to teach pirates.

I know he died.

I’m so sorry, Mackenzie.

Yeah, well, now you see why I might have a problem with fairy tales.

(ALL LAUGHING & SINGING INDISTINCTLY)

(PIG GRUNTING)

(KNOCKING)

Guys, come out!

Oh, let’s go!

(GASPS) Ah!

I love you and your kids,

but if I have to untangle these lights, I’m gonna lose my mind.

(SCOFFS) You’re losing your mind?

I just watched a raccoon hang these lights.

Do you guys remember that time that Dad went…

ELEANOR: What?

Oh, I would love to hear.

The time that Dad set fire to the Christmas tree with candles and the fire department came out.

So embarrassing.

I don’t remember that.

JANE: You were too little.

Okay, are we ready?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Blow.

(ALL GASP)

Oh, did you…

MACKENZIE: Oh, wow!

Wow!

MIA: (GIGGLES) Yay!

Oh.

PAULA: Wow.

(GARY CHITTERING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(DOG BARKING)

(GARY CHITTERING)

ELEANOR: (SCREAMING) Gary!

Rolling blackouts continue to hit Boston tonight after a power grid was sabotaged in the Charlestown neighborhood.

Local children provided police with a description of the individuals believed to be responsible and…

I am getting word now that we have a sketch of the perpetrators.

Anyone with additional information is obviously encouraged (HESITATES)

to phone our Channel 8 tip line.

(GASPS) Look how magical it is!

Eleanor, did you put a spell on Mom?

Hey! Just ’cause I’m in a good mood?

What time you wanna get picked up today, Janie?

3:45 for Aunt Paula?

Actually, I need to stay late for show choir.

I’ve decided I’m gonna sing the solo.

I know what you’re gonna say, but I think I can do it.

Well, of course you can.

You don’t think I can do it.

I love you. I just know what happened last time.

And the time before.

I’m doing this.

Should be a fun ride to school.

PAULA: Okay. Come on. Chop, chop.

Really? Show choir?

How are you not moving your mouth?

I’m gonna kill you.

(CAR STARTS)

ELEANOR: Hmm?

Have fun!

ELEANOR: (MUFFLED) Have fun!

ELEANOR: Maybe we just brush out your hair before you see Hugh Prince.

Stop it!

He’s very handsome, and he’s charming,

and I just want you to look your best.

(SHUSHES)

Oh!

Oh, there you are.

Hi!

Got your go-bag. We got our assignment.

Oh, give you one guess.

Exclusive access to the NATO Summit?

BOTH: Nope! Storm Watch!

(VAN HONKS)

(MACKENZIE GROANS)

Oh, it’s a carriage and a warrior? Is it friendly? What are its powers?

Eh…

Four-wheel drive and studded snow tires.

(MACKENZIE AND ELEANOR GRUNTING)

CHOIR: (SINGING) The hills are alive

With the sound of music

(ELEANOR VOCALIZING)

(GIGGLES)

How does Storm Watch work exactly?

You see how delightful this is? Everyone’s happy and having fun?

Oh, it’s perfect. So idyllic.

Well, we’re gonna avoid showing that at all costs.

Grant wants us to focus on traffic chaos and runaway snowplows.

Or people fighting to the death over canned food.

Mack won a bottle of champagne last year for coming up with “Snow way, José, when the local Mexican restaurant flooded from frozen pipes. Most of our job is coming up with puns like, “Snow laughing matter,”

or, “Snow end to the misery in sight.”

“Snow way out.” “No business like snow business.”

Unfortunately, there’s no, “Avalanche on Main Street,” or, “Death by snowball,” so I guess we’ll go with the old tried and true, “Kids sledding on a hill” shot.

(CLAPPING) Ooh! Let’s snow! That means, “Let’s go.”

That was it. You got it, Eleanor! Do you wanna give me a hand?

Oh, no, thank you.

(CLOCK CHIMING)

AGNES: Kid? Ya there? Whoo!

Are they keeping you in a dungeon?

No more fooling around.

Moira is about to cough up her cocoa back here.

She’s closing the portals in two days’ time.

(KIDS CHEERING)

Is here okay?

What do you think?

MACKENZIE: Oh, uh…

Can he back up a little? I’d love him to be closer to the action.

It looks so fun! Can we do it, too?

Uh, I can’t. I’m setting up for a live shot.

HUGH: This?

Yeah. That’s perfect.

HUGH: All right.

Yes.

You know what? Actually, there’s a flying saucer in the trunk.

Go have some fun.

(GIGGLES)

MACKENZIE: Okay, we’re set here.

And we’re live in three, two…

Good evening, everyone. I’m Hugh Prince reporting from the town of Marblehead.

Now the blizzard means a flurry of activity, and fun knows snow bounds.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. No.

(SCREAMING)

The forecast calls for a foot of snow tonight.

Out of the way!

But something

tells me the children of Marblehead won’t be chilling out.

They’ll be laughing their sleds off! Ahh!

(ELEANOR CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(REWINDING)

They’ll be laughing their sleds off! Ahh!

DUFF: This is why I never stop rolling.

(ELEANOR AND MACKENZIE EXCLAIM)

That’s a money shot right there.

I’m so sorry, Mackenzie. I really messed up.

I really am very sorry.

Yeah, no, I’ll tell her.

Yeah, yeah. All right. All right.

Yeah, well, what you gonna do?

Okay. Thanks. Talk to you tomorrow.

Are we fired?

The station’s website already has 200,000 hits.

Grant says we’re viral like his aunt’s chicken pox. But he’s thrilled.

We should celebrate!

DUFF: Wow.

That’s one way.

I’ll go get us more of this elixir.

What is it called again?

Lite beer.

Lite beer.

“LOL when the redhead wipes out.”

“I hate that doofus reporter, but loved it when he got slammed.”

“Great seeing those Channel 8 idiots get totaled.”

Our clip has 400,000 hits and climbing.

Ouch!

Well, here’s to going viral together.

For somebody who takes himself so seriously, you don’t seem that upset about going viral.

I knew it. You think I’m boring and earnest, don’t you?

No, of course not, Samuel Adams.

(SCOFFS)

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, that… This is a game, too.

Ooh.

Good. Okay, that’s cool.

This is a very big wand.

Pool cue. It’s a pool cue.

That’s what that is. I get it. I see the mix-up.

(SNIFFS) Mmm.

Ooh, what is this perfect potion?

That’s called a lemon drop. And that is mine.

Was mine.

It really drops down.

DUFF: Yeah. Okay.

Did I win?

We’re gettin’ there.

(GASPS) Oh!

Excuse me. Oh, no one’s there. (CHUCKLES)

I never pictured you as a divorced guy.

I know, it’s impossible to think that anyone would let all of this get away, but it happened.

That’s actually how I got into the whole re-enactment stuff.

My son, he loves it, and we do it on our weekends.

Oh. Now I feel terrible. I didn’t mean to call you a weirdo.

It’s fine.

You know, one of the reasons I wanted to come to Channel 8 was ’cause I used to hear about this hotshot that was getting her stories picked up to the national level.

I mean, I’m surprised you’re not running the joint.

Actually, they did offer me the job, but it was too soon after…

Yeah, Duff told me about your husband. I’m…

Right, so I needed to focus on my girls, and they gave the job to Grant, and here we are.

I’m sorry, Mack.

I’m sorry, too. Grant is an abomination.

(CHUCKLES)

What about you? What’s it like being divorced?

Oh, it’s… What can I say? (HESITATES) It’s lonely.

Mmm, yeah, I get that.

Sometimes, you just want somebody to, you know, come over and…

Shovel the driveway.

(CHUCKLES) To shoveling the driveway.

Shoveling the driveway.

DUFF: Okay, I’ll tell you what. We’ll line up a shot for you.

You’ve got this.

With your wand, the tip of it, you hit the white one, hit the red one to go right into this pocket. It’s called a pocket.

Got it.

DUFF: Ready?

White, red, pocket.

(GROANS)

Ooh.

Mother of fudge! Are you okay?

DUFF: (GROANING) Did I win? I think I won.

(ELEANOR CHANTING IN LATIN)

Oh, wow!

(IN ENGLISH) I know, right?

It took me a whole month to learn that spell.

But it was worth it.

You might be right about Hugh.

Oh!

I’m not saying he’s my prince, but he’s kinda charming.

(GIGGLING) I knew it. He’s handsome…

Eleanor.

I know you wanna help, but…

I’m not quite sure I’m ready for another fairy tale.

AGNES: Eleanor, on the other hand, had spent her life believing in fairy tales.

Little did she know, this one was about to come to an end.

(OPERA MUSIC PLAYING ON RECORDER)

(HUMMING)

(PANTING) Oh!

(MUSIC STOPS)

(PANTING) I’m not going to ask you where Eleanor is.

Because I know you won’t tell me.

Even if I did know, I wouldn’t tell you.

That’s what I just said!

Good! I’m glad we’re finally seeing eye to eye.

Oh, Agnes, listen to me.

I don’t know exactly what she’s up to, but Eleanor is not going to save us.

No one can.

At midnight tomorrow, the Motherland will close its doors for good.

Oh, that’s a real shame!

But that’s not all.

If Eleanor is not here, she will be stripped of her magic.

Disenchantment?

Yes!

In all my years here, I have never lost a student.

And I am not about to lose one now!

Even if I have to take drastic measures.

So, if someone who loves Eleanor happens to know where she is, now would be a good time to tell her to get her fairy tail back here!

I’m gonna go make a call that’s not at all related to this conversation.

Ah. Hmm.

GRANT: Are you kidding me? Oh, my God!

Ladies and gentlemen, we did it! Fourth place!

Hope to see you there.

(STAFF CHEERING)

We’ve reached the top…

See you later.

GRANT: Fourth place!

Mackenzie. Hi!

The other donut-eaters just told me the most amazing thing ever.

Brace yourself, because it’s big.

Mmm-hmm.

There’s a holiday party tonight. (GASPS)

I know all about the holiday party, and I’m not going. It’s not my thing.

What part? Parties? Christmas? Fun?

Mmm. Uh-huh.

Fine, stay home. After all, nine out of ten fairy tales begin with, “Once upon a time, something amazing happened while she was drinking wine in her sweatpants.”

Think about it.

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING)

(SINGING OUT OF TUNE) Joy to the world

Joy to the world

(SNORTS)

PAULA: I know, buddy. My ears hurt too.

Oh, wow!

(ALL GASP)

JANE: Pretty.

You look so pretty. Eleanor, you did a great job.

I didn’t do that. That was all her.

Really? You can make yourself look like that without any magic?

MACKENZIE: Mm-hmm.

Yes, because she’s beautiful inside and out.

Aw, true.

And she’s wearing the only thing that really matters.

Pushup bra?

Spanx?

(LAUGHING)

A smile.

Uh, actually, all three.

(ALL CHUCKLE)

Are you feeling okay about tomorrow?

Yeah, I think so.

Okay. Good.

Look at us. We’re both outside our comfort zone.

Yeah. Okay.

(CLOCK CHIMING)

What’s that sound?

Oh, that’s probably Agnes FaceTiming.

I should grab that.

Disenchanted? Forever?

I’m sorry, kid, but it’s over.

No, I won’t give up.

They just need to see one happily ever after.

I can get her there. I know it. I just need to speed things up.

Well, you better make it very speedy, ’cause if you don’t get back in time, forget being a Fairy Godmother, you won’t be a Fairy anything.

At midnight tomorrow, they’re closing the Motherland for good!

Oh, I need to go.

(SCRATCHING)

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

Fourth place! Fourth place!

Fourth place, baby! Fourth place!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

BARB: It was a crazy night.

Oh, he took me home, and let me…

DUFF: I was hoping this would go somewhere else.

(INAUDIBLE)

DUFF: What a story. Typical Barb.

ELEANOR: A glittery gown turns a frown upside down.

A glittery gown turns a frown upside down.

Yeah. A glittery gown turns a frown upside down.

I was sweating so bad that my dress was basically see-through. You remember?

And I had streaks of self-tanner just running down, and I looked like a zebra in a wet T-shirt contest.

That’s why I don’t wear white on the air anymore.

Well, I’m all out of war stories.

How ’bout a dance?

(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(POP SONG RESUMES PLAYING)

(GRUNTS)

HUGH: Mack! Mack!

(GROANS)

Mackenzie? Are you in there? Mackenzie?

MACKENZIE: Eleanor?

What are you doing here?

Nothing.

Something really strange happened to me on the dance floor… Oh, of course.

(MUTTERING)

You had something to do with this, didn’t you?

(SCREAMING) What the heck?

Eleanor! Eleanor!

(MACKENZIE YELPS)

Oh, wow!

(GASPS)

Nice dress. Is it new?

What have you done to me?

Don’t be mad. I’m just trying to help.

Really? Like this?

You look absolutely beautiful…

(LAUGHING) What happened to you?

Hi, Barb, I just… (HESITATES)

I ripped my dress, so I borrowed this from the wardrobe department.

It’s hilarious.

Yeah.

You know, my kid has a costume just like that at home. (SNICKERS)

Treat it as a costume.

(MACKENZIE GROWLS)

Don’t be mad. Don’t be mad! Mackenzie!

Mackenzie! Where are you going?

Home. Before anybody else sees me.

What? No! Look at you!

You look like a princess.

ELEANOR: (OVER SPEAKERS) And you’re at a ball. Sort of.

And Duff and all the other peasants are here.

And you even waltzed with the most handsome of all the princes.

Hugh Prince!

Oh, I knew it was you.

And you said it at the hotel. You think he’s charming.

And now he’s noticing you.

Isn’t that what you wanted since you were ten years old?

So, why fight true love when you can just kiss and live happily ever after?

Because…

(CHUCKLES)

(HESITATES) Happily ever after?

Yes!

You’re her prince. Now, let’s get this done.

No! Eleanor, this isn’t what I want.

I… Why are you…

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You’re that…

You’re flying saucer chick.

Yes. That’s me.

Hey.

Oh, Mackenzie and Hugh said we were a big hit.

Is that so?

Oh, yes, they were so worried about getting fired.

But I guess all you need for job security is a viral video.

(ALL GASPING)

No, it’s not like that.

That is not exactly what…

9:00 a.m., my office, tomorrow morning. We can talk about job security then. Mmm?

Mackenzie! Mackenzie, I’m sorry. Please just talk to me.

Why should I talk to you? You don’t listen to anything I say.

That’s not true.

It is.

You came here and did exactly what you promised you wouldn’t do.

And the worst part is, you didn’t even need to.

I was actually having fun tonight. I felt pretty.

But why isn’t that enough for you?

Why am I a failure unless I’m dressed like ginger Elvis?

You’re not a failure.

Then why are you here?

Because I don’t wanna fail! They’re closing down the Motherland.

So, you’re my only chance at being a Fairy Godmother.

And if I don’t get you to “happily ever after,” then I’ll have to spend the rest of my life as a Tooth Fairy.

(SCOFFS) This is all about you.

No! Of course not. I…

Wait. Is it?

All this time, I thought you cared about wanting to make me happy.

You just want it for you.

You don’t care what I want, not if it gets in your way.

I’m so sorry, Mackenzie.

I’m sorry too, Eleanor, but you need to leave.

Mackenzie!

ELEANOR: She was right about everything. I’m not Fairy Godmother material.

And “happily ever afters,” those are just for fairy tales.

But you helped us.

MIA: Don’t go.

I’m sorry. It’s over.

She’ll calm down.

But we need you.

I have to go.

Goodbye, girls.

Bye, Bingo.

Bingo?

Who’s that pig?

Now we have a pig and a dog.

Eleanor, where are you? (SHUDDERS)

Gourds? Pumpkins? Carriages?

Transport.

(GASPS)

(SIGHS)

Hi.

I need to tell you something.

I just wanna…

Yes.

I really wanted to apologize about last night.

I’m just completely mortified.

I think I had too much punch or something, and things got a little wild.

No, it’s… I mean, yeah, I was surprised, but…

But not in a bad way.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Hey! You two! What are you doin’? Get in here!

(GROANING) My tum-tum.

I’m gonna be straight with you guys. I hit the eggnog way too hard last night.

So, I’m gonna keep this quick. Did you fake the flying saucer story?

No! We would never fake a story.

Absolutely not.

Really? Then how do you explain this?

Huh?

And why is flying saucer girl at the Bruins game?

‘Cause she’s my cousin, and she’s visiting from Canada.

You seriously want me to believe that you and your cousin had nothing to do with the fireballs?

It was an accident.

Ah! So was the blackout too, I suppose.

That’s her, isn’t it?

We had three big news stories this week, and your cousin was there for every single one of them. Yes or no?

Mack, what’s goin’ on?

I just… I can’t.

It’s really hard to explain. But I did not fake a story.

Yeah. You lack the initiative to pull that off. I actually believe you.

Plus, your cousin seems crazy. She is, right?

No! No, she’s just a little different.

She’s a chaos machine. And you should be ashamed of yourself…

For not cutting me in sooner.

You’re good. She is ratings gold.

Here’s what we’ll do. We’re gonna put a camera on her, and we are gonna let her fly her freak flag until we’re number one.

That’s exploitation. No.

But that’s not news.

I know. It’s gonna be awesome.

No!

I won’t let you take somebody kind and good and turn them into a sideshow.

You’re a single mom, and you haven’t put a good story out in I don’t know how long, so “no” isn’t really an option for you.

You do what I say, or you’re fired.

I am done doing things your way.

Mack, I’m not sure you…

You’re the reason we’re in last place.

Ah! Fourth place.

You want us to spin things and twist things and tell stories about bad people doing bad things, but people want more than fearmongering.

They wanna…

To laugh, and to hope, and be inspired to see the magic in the world.

‘Cause it’s real.

That’s cute.

You’re fired.

Yeah. No kidding.

You deserve so much better than this place.

I know. That’s what I was tryin’ to tell you before.

I took the job at Channel 4, so…

(INHALES) Merry Christmas. I quit.

How’s that for spectacle?

Bye.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Yes, this is Mackenzie.

Oh, hi, Mr. Clancy.

Wait, Jane what?

Jane? Jane, sweetie!

Jane?

Jane? Jane!

(PANTING)

Oh!

(DOOR OPENING)

MACKENZIE: Janie? Honey?

No, go away.

Uh…

Mr. Clancy called. Honey, you’re supposed to be on stage for the rehearsal.

Is that Dad’s guitar?

(CRYING) You were right. You were right.

I can’t do this. I can’t do anything.

Oh, I never said that.

Yeah, well, you never said that I could.

Or that you thought that I’d be amazing.

But Eleanor did.

And now she’s gone. And I can’t do this. I can’t…

I’m so sorry.

Honey, if you need Eleanor, I’ll find her. I promise.

Should we bring Dad’s guitar with us for good luck?

Gary, we need you!

JANE: He’s not here!

Where’s Eleanor?

Gary, I’ll leave the lids off the trash cans if you just come out!

MACKENZIE: We need you! JANE: Eleanor!

(CHITTERS)

MACKENZIE: (SCREAMING) Gary!

I’m not sure he can actually understand human. But look!

I think Aunt Paula’s been looking for Eleanor.

Ooh!

PAULA: Ah.

It’s hopeless.

PAULA: Are you sure a pumpkin carriage is the fastest way back to the Motherland?

Yes, but…

I’m never going to get it.

No worries.

That was our last pumpkin.

I’ve got an idea.

Ta-da!

That’s not a pumpkin.

No. I know it’s not a pumpkin.

Good.

Okay. You know what? Loosen up, right?

All right.

You know, just really stay loose and don’t think about the fact that that’s a watermelon, not a pumpkin, and you might not have enough magic left to get home, and you might be stuck here forever.

I’m sorry, that wasn’t a very good pep talk.

No. All right.

(CHANTING IN LATIN)

MACKENZIE: Eleanor! Paula!

Hi!

MIA: Whoa!

What happened?

Oh, we were trying to make a carriage.

(SOFTLY) It’s not going well.

Jane, why are you here? Why aren’t you at the parade?

I can’t do this without you.

Please, Eleanor. I’m so sorry.

Janie needs you.

We need you.

Okay.

First things first. Let’s get you dressed.

(CHUCKLES)

ELEANOR: Son of a butterscotch! I actually did it!

(ALL CHUCKLE)

You look amazing.

You really do.

Perfect outfit, check. Now what?

Um…

Oh, we need to get there. I’m supposed to be on stage in 20 minutes.

But the parade is all the way downtown. There’s no way.

Actually, there is.

Eleanor, no. You need that to get home.

Not as much as I need to do this.

All right, everyone, step back. Go, go!

(CHANTING IN LATIN)

(ALL GIGGLING EXCITEDLY)

JANE: Eleanor, you did it!

I know!

Guys, we need to go.

PAULA: Oh! Yes, yes. Okay. Let’s go!

Wow!

Guys, it smells like watermelon.

MACKENZIE: This is incredible.

Eleanor! You made this.

ELEANOR: I did this.

So, how does it move?

Right.

Uh… Oh.

(CAT MEOWING)

Please don’t blow up.

(MEOWS)

(CAT YOWLS)

(ELEANOR GASPS)

(YOWLING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAM)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(WOMEN SCREAMING)

(ALL SHRIEKING)

(CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYING)

There! I see the stage!

(BARB LAUGHING)

The Charlestown drum majorettes, folks!

Look at those smiles! Followed by the…

(GASPS)

The traditional flying watermelon carriage float, of course.

What the… Hey! Get this, get this, get this. You, come on!

(CROWD GASPING)

(ALL EXCLAIM)

Oh, just a little fun fact. I played tuba in high school.

Yeah, it’s not a great instrument for a teenage girl.

If you blow too hard, you can get a permanent eye bulge. Just slight…

Anyway, that’s a story for another time.

Right now, we are headed to the main stage for the Hamilton High show choir.

Sorry.

WOMAN: Ma’am, stop there.

Actually, she’s on stage right now. She’s supposed to sing. Duff!

Hey, hi.

They’re with me.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for the amazing Downtown Crew.

How fantastic were they?

You have to make me brave. I need a spell or something.

Jane, you know it doesn’t work like that.

I can’t change your feelings with my magic.

I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Hey. Listen.

I didn’t believe in you because I forgot how to believe in myself.

And I was lost, and I felt scared, and I taught you to be scared.

You don’t need a spell because you are already magical.

Come on. Let’s rush.

Hey, I’m here. I made it.

(SIGHS) Jane! Thank goodness. We did not have a Plan B.

Now get out there.

Okay.

You can do this.

ANNOUNCER: I want you to give it up now for tonight’s finale, the Hamilton High show choir, with soloist Jane Walsh!

(SINGING) You’re broken down and tired

(FEEDBACK OVER MIC)

We…

In…

(BREATH TREMBLING)

I’m sorry.

Oh.

(WHISPERING) Your dad would be so, so proud.

Okay? You got this. Yeah?

CROWD: Aw.

(SINGING) You’re broken down and tired

Of livin’ life on a merry-go-round

And you can’t find the fighter

But I see it in you So we can walk it out

Move mountains

We gonna walk it out

Move mountains

And I’ll rise up I’ll rise like the day

I’ll rise up I’ll rise unafraid

I’ll rise up

And I’ll do it a thousand times again

And I’ll rise up High like the waves

I’ll rise up In spite of the ache

I’ll rise up

And I’ll do it a thousand times again

(CHOIR HUMMING)

When the silence isn’t quiet

And it feels like It’s gettin’ hard to breathe

And I know you feel like dyin’

(CHOIR VOCALIZING)

But I promise We’ll take the world to its feet

And move mountains

We can walk it out

Move mountains

CHORUS: Joy to the world

Joy to the world

And I will rise a thousand times again

For you

CHOIR: Repeat the sounding joy

For you

Repeat the sounding joy

For you

Repeat, repeat

For you

The sounding joy

All we need

Repeat the sounding joy

Oh, all we need is hope

Repeat the sounding joy

And for that we have each other

Repeat

And for that we have each other

Repeat the sounding joy

We’ll rise up

Repeat the sounding joy

(JANE VOCALIZING)

Repeat the sounding joy

JANE: We’ll rise up

Repeat, repeat

For you

The sounding joy

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES)

She was extremely good! Oh, my God! Did you see her?

She did it!

(CHEERING)

She did it!

Oh! (GRUNTS)

(SCREAMS) What are you doing here?

I’m here to take you home before it’s too late.

No! Hey, quit it!

Let go of her!

You’re the reason she’s in this mess. She stayed to help a hopeless case, and if I don’t get her home right now, she could lose everything. Come with me.

Wait. Is that true?

No! You are not hopeless.

Now let go of me! Let go!

Please. I will not.

Let go!

You cannot take my magic away from me!

Eleanor Fay Bloomingbottom.

Don’t tell them my middle name.

You get over here right now!

This whole mess is exactly why Fairy Godmothers are supposed to follow the rules.

And you are not a Fairy Godmother.

(CROWD GASPS)

We’re going home.

Hmph!

(GASPS)

(CROWD CHEERING)

What?

I am a Fairy Godmother.

And what Fairy Godmothers are supposed to do is help.

I did. I helped Jane.

Jane was not the assignment.

And even if she were, there are no more assignments.

Mackenzie was the last one.

And I do not see a dress or a prince.

And you did not get her to happily ever after.

But…

You did not save the Motherland.

All you did was fail!

(MOIRA GASPS)

(ELEANOR GASPS)

(CROWD MURMURING)

That is not true.

Excuse me?

Eleanor, correct me if I’m wrong, but does your formula require my true love to be a prince?

Why, no. I guess it doesn’t.

Well, that’s good.

Mia, Jane.

Then these are my true loves.

And you didn’t fail.

You helped me remember how to live happily.

(SCOFFS) That’s not the same as happily ever after.

Are you sure?

Four years ago, I…

I thought my story was over, and Eleanor helped show me that it wasn’t.

CROWD: Aw!

That’s not how it works.

Then how it works needs to change.

We think that love needs to look a certain way.

A prince, a castle, a gown.

We’re trapped in the fairy tale when the real world is full of so much more.

CROWD: Aw! (CHEERING)

Instead of telling people what true love is supposed to look like,

maybe we should let them tell us.

Mia, who’s your true love?

Can I have more than one?

Sure. Why not?

Well, Mom and Jane, but also Aunt Paula.

(CROWD CLAPPING)

PAULA: You guys…

Who’s your true love? And don’t just tell me, tell each other.

You?

Us?

Yes.

I love you, Nan.

CROWD: Aw.

And you.

BOTH: We love you, Jonah.

Aw.

Oh! And you, Hugh Prince, what does love mean to you?

Me? Oh, I…

Right, um… Love?

Love. Yeah, love. Love is many, many

(HESITATES) a splendored thing.

(CROWD LAUGHS)

No, um, love means…

I love you, Dad.

…dressing up as a colonial soldier ’cause you miss your son.

And sometimes love just means shoveling someone’s driveway.

That one didn’t really make sense.

Love comes in so many forms, Moira.

Why can’t we see that?

Eleanor didn’t magically fix my life.

She showed me how to fix it myself.

That’s how we can help them.

This is a day I thought I’d never see.

You did well!

(CROWD CHEERING)

Oh! I did well!

Maybe it’s time to re-write the book.

All right.

Now, let’s go home and save some Fairy Godmothers.

Thank you for everything.

Thank you.

Go be a Godmother.

All right.

Bye!

MOIRA: Wands up!

(CROWD GASPS)

(PAULA LAUGHS)

MAN: What?

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHITTERING)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

MACKENZIE: Gary!

AGNES: Wait! We’re not done yet.

Good morning, Motherland!

No, I don’t think I’m shouting. Hold, please.

Why don’t we kick things off with something a bit more groovy today?

Take it away.

Now, I told you this wasn’t a fairy tale, but that was only half true.

In the end, Eleanor got hers all right.

Only it wasn’t anything like she’d read in those books.

And that was a good thing.

We weren’t just old. We’d become old-fashioned.

There are those who might say… (CLEARS THROAT)

I had spent my whole life believing in fairy tales.

Well, now I believe in them more than ever.

It’s just that they come in all different shapes and sizes.

Just like us. And thanks to our newly patented approach

of, “Forget ever after, just live happily,” we’ve been busy.

AGNES: Eleanor! Wand up, kid. We’ve still got a lotta work to do.

(CLEARS THROAT) Fairies…

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(GIGGLES)

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