In August 1943, Maude Garrett, a female Flight Officer, is assigned to travel with top secret documents from Auckland, New Zealand, to Samoa. However, as soon as she arrives at the air base, she witnesses a ground crew ramper inexplicably disappearing before her eyes just before she suddenly finds herself standing right in front of her transport, a B-17 bomber christened “The Fool’s Errand”. The bomber’s crew gives her a mostly derisive welcome, and she is quartered in the Sperry for the takeoff. With no room left for her document bag, she reluctantly allows the only crew member friendly to her, Walter Quaid, to store it.
While stuck in the turret, Maude suddenly sees some sort of creature clinging to the underside of the bomber’s wing; she reports it, but most of the crew – except Beckell, who sights it too – dismisses it. When she is allowed to exit the turret, the hatch malfunctions, trapping her inside. When she reacts indignant about the crew’s comments to her situation, they abandon their attempts to open the hatch and the comm is cut off. After seeing a Japanese scouting plane appearing and disappearing close to the bomber, she is abruptly attacked by the creature, a gremlin; she fights it off but ends up injured. When the crew contacts her again to ask about what happened, a radio message comes in telling them that a Maude Garrett doesn’t exist and is not registered for the flight. When they intend to take her out for questioning, Maude deliberately jams the turret’s gears and prepares to defend herself when the Japanese plane reappears and attacks. Taking control of the turret, she shoots it down, winning the crew’s grudging respect.
While continuing to converse with the crew, Maude admits that she is actually married and boarded the bomber under her maiden name, but refuses to tell about her mission, citing its confidentiality. Then she sees the gremlin as it continues to sabotage the plane, and eventually Dorn sights it too, but the others disregard him. Suspecting Maude’s assignment to be the cause for their misfortunes, Reeves gives the order to open the bag, which actually contains a baby, Maude and Quaid’s extramarital child. Forced to confess, Maude explains that she was severely mistreated by her husband; she entered an affair with Quaid and unwillingly got pregnant from it. Someone betrayed her to her husband, who came to the base. Deciding not to tell Quaid, Maude faked her assignment to get away from her husband before he would kill her in his rage.
Just as Captain Reeves turns back to the air base, three Japanese fighters come in, and the gremlin boards the bomber, injures Quaid and kidnaps the baby. When the gremlin appears before her with the baby in the bag, Maude exits the turret and fires her handgun at it, driving it off but leaving the bag hanging precariously from the ventral hull. Risking a perilous climb, Maude retrieves her child and reboards the plane through the opening for the now blown-off Sperry. The gremlin attacks again, throwing Taggart out of the plane before Maude can evict it. When Reeves, Finch and Dorn are killed by Japanese gunfire, Maude takes command and brings the plane roughly but safely down to the ground. The gremlin reappears and tries to snatch the baby once more, but Maude catches up and finally kills it, and she and the other survivors watch as the Fool’s Errand explodes and burns up.
Just prior to the credits rolling, archival footage is shown of women serving in the British and American World War II air forces.
Hey, you!
Yeah, what?
Shouldn’t you be more careful?
Eh, I’m plenty careful.
Now, buzz off. I’m busy.
That wasn’t my fault. That was a gremlin!
A gremlin?
Yeah, everyone’s heard of gremlins – they chew up planes, screw up the navigation.
They get their kicks from hurting us!
Gremlins are all in your head.
We owe it to our boys to stay focused.
It’s not critters who cause accidents; it’s careless airmen.
It’s your responsibility to be safe.
A tidy workspace makes for a productive environment.
Shape up!
We need men with strong hearts and clear minds.
Look after yourself to stay fighting fit.
Stay on task!
Avoid distraction, and keep your wits about you.
Huh?
Let’s keep our skies safe so we can win this war!
Hey! Where’s the Fool’s Errand?
Hey!
Hey, for Pete’s sake!
Wha-?
Where’d you go?
It’s too early for this bullshit!
Few too many drinks last night, Taggart, ol’ buddy?
Oh Christ. Shut it.
Oh, hey there, baby.
I believe the powder room is that a-way.
I’m on this flight.
Did you notice a loose hydraulic hanging off the wheels?
Huh? A loose hydraulic?
What the hell are you doing here? Get off now!
I’m on this flight.
The hell you are!
I’m assigned to this flight.
This isn’t a joyride, missy.
Get off now!
What the hell is going on back there?
I’m commissioned to this flight!
Get off my f*cking plane!
Do not touch me again!
Whoa!
You all right there, Tag?
Taggart, who is that?
I’m commissioned for this flight.
Orders from Major Riegert.
Seriously, what the hell is happening back there, guys?
Is that a dame? I can’t hear shit!
Hey! Is that an actual girl on board?
Can someone tell me what the hell is going on?
Dorn! Is that a broad on the-
Yeah, buddy. It’s a dame! Good news, Beckell.
I can’t hear shit.
She’s here to pop your cherry.
No, seriously, what is she here for?
Not a clue! Enjoying the view, though.
You and me both.
Captain! Some broad’s just boarded this plane claiming that she’s assigned to this flight, sir.
What?
I don’t know!
It’s from the Major’s own desk, sir.
Major Riegert, huh?
I’m not poking the bear at this hour.
Our window’s closing for take-off, sir.
Williams, you know anything about this?
No, sir. That’s your paperwork, not mine.
We haven’t got time for this right now.
Put her in the Sperry until we get up in the air.
We’ll find out more once we reach altitude.
You, with me, now.
Captain, we’ve got the green light.
There’s no more stations up here!
Captain’s orders – get in the Sperry for take-off now.
What are you waiting for? You want me to break your other arm?
Get in there now. We’re taking off.
Hey! There’s always room on my lap, baby.
Don’t start, Dorn.
I’m supposed to guard this.
Well, guard it, then.
I can’t take my package in there.
Oh Jesus Christ. Well, leave it out here!
The order expressly stated that I guard my package!
Well, feel free to jump on the next plane.
I’ll guard it for you.
I’ll keep it in the Astrodome.
It’s fragile – needs to be kept upright.
OK.
The contents are strictly confidential.
Sure.
Last chance, Missy!
Yes or no?
Apologies, Captain.
Ready when you are, boys.
Yes, sir. Standing by for take-off.
What was that?
TAGGART, OVER RADIO: Now I have to put up with some stuck-up tart pushing me around.
Yeah. Since when did we become Noah’s Ark, huh?
What, we’re gonna give charity rides to every winged dame now that we’ve got a golliwog in the cockpit?
This is an allied mission, Lieutenant Finch.
We’re working together.
What the hell’s a left-tenant?
Speak English. I don’t-
Hey, hey. Boys. Boys.
Can we get back to the subject at hand?
Did you say ‘winged dame?’ What do you mean, ‘winged?’
Her arm’s broke.
Who gives a crap about her arm? How’s her ass?
I couldn’t tell in that jumpsuit, all dolled up, playing soldier, but I will tell you boys this – she was hotter than the devil’s cock.
I would f*ck through Taggart to get to her.
I mean, honestly!
She got one of those mouths. You know, those mouths you could just f*ck all day.
Well, shit. Maybe the flight gets boring, we can all get lucky.
Maybe you can get lucky with one hand, but she’s gonna need both hands for me, boy.
Cannot believe that there was a pus*y that close to me, and I didn’t even get a look!
That’s a real stealth pus*y, fellas.
Hello, boys.
I hope you don’t mind me tagging along today.
Uh…
Oh, shit.
I’m sorry, baby. Didn’t realize we was on the air.
Yeah, sorry. We were just, uh, complimenting.
Oh. You should be careful, now.
Wouldn’t want me to get a big head.
I can give you a big head any time, sweetheart.
Ol’ dog-faced Dorn at it again.
Hey, what’s your name, honey?
Flight Officer Garrett. And you?
Private Dorn, at your service.
Um, I’m Private Beckell – tail gunner.
Lieutenant Finch, sweetheart – navigator.
Technical Sergeant Taggart – radio operator.
Well, it’s a pleasure to meet you all.
Thank you very much for having me on board today.
This is Captain Reeves.
Me and my crew cut our R & R short because our allies in Samoa needed these transponders urgently.
Mr Williams, here – our co-pilot from the New Zealand Air Force – is overseeing the cargo.
He got signed off hours ago, so why have I got passengers climbing on to my plane during take-off?
I’m not a passenger, sir. Technically, I’m crew.
I very much doubt that.
Ain’t no women in the air corps.
Sure there are.
I’m Women’s Auxiliary Force – RAF, which I’ll wager your Scotsman is as well.
You don’t know the first thing about me.
Yeah, Taggart’s one of us.
Where’s the light?
We’ve been to hell and back together.
I don’t appreciate surprises, Miss Garrett.
I understand that, sir, but it was a last-minute consignment from the very top level, and if you’ve read the order, it’s confidential.
I’m not supposed to ask. All right, Miss Garrett.
Flight Officer Garrett.
6000ft and climbing.
Roger.
On course, Captain. Top climb – 8000ft.
Miss Garrett, how exactly are you a flight officer?
This is Williams, is that right?
It’s Flight Lieutenant Williams of the Royal New Zealand Air Force.
Right. Sorry, Lieutenant. It’s very nice to meet you.
I thought WAF were non-air crew.
Yeah. How’s a dodo get to call herself a flight officer?
A dodo?
You know, grounded, like a penguin or a chicken.
Chickens can fly, you dumb shit.
Hey, not very far, they can’t, Finch.
I’m not a bird. I’m a flight mechanic and a pilot.
Oh. Well, excuse me, your majesty
We didn’t know you were an ace.
So, you’ve had airtime?
Yes.
How?
Before I was WAF,
I was Air Transport Auxiliary.
Oh. Well, then you’re not a pilot.
You’re a delivery girl.
That’s right.
Hey there, Garrett. Mm. Now, the way I hear it, 99% of WAFs is lesbian,…
…and 1% is whores.
Now, you find that to be true to fact?
And if so, which one are you?
It’s a great question, Private Dorn.
We’re 100% soldiers.
Nah!
Oh, you’re a soldier too!
Guys, I feel safer already
You’re not a soldier if you haven’t been in combat.
Hey, lay off her, will ya? She’s doing her part.
And you are?
Staff Sergeant Walter Quaid.
Whoo!
First name basis, huh, Quaid?
Jesus, I think I’m feeling a little flush.
Is my package secure up there, Sergeant Quaid?
Oh, I got a big package for you right here, sweetheart.
Is my package secure?
‘Package.’ Classic!
Hey, come on, boys.
Cut the shit. Your package is safe and sound, Miss Garrett.
Hey, what’s in there anyway? A decoder?
The consignment said ‘confidential’, Beckell.
Ooh!
Seriously, how do you breathe with your nose so far up her ass?
OK, gentlemen. I know it’s all very exciting with our new guest, but let’s keep the chatter to a minimum.
Coming up to 8000ft.
Captain, the transponders-
…can’t withstand freezing temperatures.
I know, Williams.
We just need to get through the weather before we level off.
Hey, fellas. All looking clear where you are?
Yeah, all clear up here.
Yeah, all clear out back. Why?
When we coming under cloud cover, I thought I saw something.
It would have been nice to tell us then, Finch.
What did you see, Finch?
I don’t know. Maybe a civilian plane.
It was just a second.
Are you talking about the 11 o’clock, about a minute out into the ascent?
As a matter of fact, I am, Garrett.
You had eyes down there?
Yes, I did.
Garrett, you get a good look?
Could have been a single prop, as Finch said.
Is this like your loose hydraulic on the runway, Miss Garrett?
Loose hydraulic?
Oh, Miss Garrett came on to the plane with her knickers in a twist about something hanging off the end of the wheel.
No, I-
We took off just fine.
Gentlemen, as much as I’m enjoying the variety hour, this chatter is distracting.
Let’s just keep off the comms until we get through the storm.
Captain, I-
REEVES: No comms.
No, sir, but I-
Silence! That’s an order.
Sir, I have a visual of something on the underside of the starboard wing.
Repeat?
I said I, um… I saw-I saw something move on the right wing.
They’re called propellers, baby.
And they help us fly.
Clarify visual.
I saw… I saw a shadow, sir.
A shadow?
Yes, sir. A shadow… in the signal lights.
The signal lights?
In the navigation light, I saw a shadow. It went across the wing.
I saw. It…
It looked like an animal of some sort. Some kind of-
And I see it too.
I believe it’s Bigfoot
Yeah, or a gremlin
Garrett, why don’t you come on up out of that turret?
I only put you down there to keep you safe during take-off.
Sir-
Garrett, I’ll swap with you if you want.
You’ll swap with me, Quaid?
Sure.
Top turret, bottom turret; it’s the same to me.
Crew positions are not interchangeable, Staff Sergeant Quaid.
Then, what-
QUAID: Look, I’m just saying if she’s having trouble down there, maybe somebody-
I’m not having trouble down here, Mr Quaid.
I’m reporting what I’ve seen.
Miss Garrett, you’re gonna be fine.
Non-negotiable. You come up to the cabin now.
Yes, sir.
Captain, with respect,
we should keep our eyes peeled. She and me saw something.
It may be nothing, but we should keep our eyes peeled at least until we’re clear of the clouds.
I assure you this is not a combat zone.
We’ve never had Japanese come this far south ever.
Agreed. Garrett, out of the Sperry turret now.
Yes, sir.
Ow!
Shit.
Garrett, out of the hatch.
Yes, sir.
Shit. Um…
Uh, sir, we have a… a bit of an issue with the hatch.
OK, Garrett. Let me talk you through it.
So, you use the steel handles that are right above you.
Yes, sir. One of the handles broke off, sir.
It broke off?
In my hand, sir.
Those levers are bolted on by a machine in a factory, Garrett. You can’t-
I’m aware, Mr Taggart, but it broke off in my hand, so…
Holy moly. She’s Hercules!
We have a legend of board, ladies and gentlemen!
Dorn, that’s enough. Garrett, pull the leather strap to the left of the main catch-
The leather strap on the auxiliary latch is gone too, sir.
I can’t force it open from the inside. If one of you can-
You’re gonna be OK, Garrett. Just relax.
I am relaxed!
Easy there, Miss Garrett.
We’re trying to help you.
Uh, there’s a problem here.
Taggart, what do you see?
Screws. There’s screws on the ground.
Garrett, you touch anything down there?
No!
Anything out here, then?
You get curious, maybe pull a lever?
As I recall, Mr Taggart, you were shoving me in with both hands. I didn’t have any time.
Dorn, Beckell, give me a hand here.
Roger that, Tag.
What’s going on up there?
Easy. Easy. To the left. Come on.
Could someone please report?
Hey! Don’t think about it, pus*ycat. OK?
Keep your mind off it. The men are handling it.
These wires are torn!
What kind of a number did you pull here, Garrett?
I didn’t pull out any wires! You were there!
Wha-?
Sir, we’re having some trouble with the electrical.
What’s going on?
Fuses for the aft lights just blew.
Copy that. Try and isolate the cause.
Sir- – What the hell is that noise?
Is it the equipment?
What noise?
That. Did you… You didn’t just hear that?
Just focus on the clouds, Garrett.
Do you see any more wildlife out there?
Thank you. Thank you, Finch.
Lieutenant Finch.
Thank you, Lieutenant Finch.
Jesus, listen to her voice. She’s cracking up.
Leave it, Beckell.
Hey, Quaid, I’m not the one jumping at shadows, OK?
If she hadn’t jumped, we wouldn’t know the hatch was broken, now, would we?
Well, everything’s eventually gonna break.
I apologize for Beckell, Miss Garrett.
He’s not used to talking to women.
Hey, this has got nothing to do with her being a dame, Quaid. It’s the position, see?
Belly gunners always go crazy, and I don’t mean ‘fun’ crazy.
You’re just cooped up down there in your little plastic aquarium over a death drop.
No space, no time to bail.
Woof. No, sir.
You couldn’t. You could put me in jail, torture me all the livelong day. There’s no f*cking way-
Stow it, Beckell.
How’s that hatch going, boys?
Am I sensing a tone there, Miss Garrett?
Yes, correct, Captain. I have a tone.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
‘Yes, correct, Captain. I have a tone.’
TAGGART: Oh my God, are you letting her speak like that?
Quiet!
If I spoke to Captain like that…
What is going on up there?
Miss Garrett, we’re trying to help you.
No, I am in a compromised position, and I am not receiving updates.
You are an auxiliary civilian.
Correction, sir – I am a Flight Officer.
Jeepers creepers. Bitch has gone crazy.
This bitch has got 200 hours flying over the Pacific in unarmed planes. Do you understand me?
No guns, no crew. No one but myself through enemy territory.
Which one of you can say the same?
This is not the first time that I have experienced a mid-flight situation, but this is the first time that I’ve had to sit hear and listen to the Marx Brothers
talk about who gets to screw me first while I try and do my job.
So quit the gink parade and get me out of this bubble instead of pitching a fit when I tell you what I have seen.
Do you understand me? Is that clear?
Is that clear?!
Next minute she’ll be pinning a Badge of Honor on herself!
What can’t ya do, sweetheart?
You’re an ace; you’re an engineer.
Taggart, Dorn, Beckell – leave the hatch for now.
Let’s give Officer Garrett some time to stop being hysterical.
Do not leave the hatch.
With pleasure, sir.
Yes, sir.
No, I have to get out of this turret.
Let me out of the turret now.
Oh, her voice is like nails down a chalkboard.
I am here to protect my package, Do not-
Me, me, me, me.
Do not keep me in here!
Leave her in there.
I can cut her off the main radio, sir, if you like.
Do not take me off comms.
Please do, Sergeant Taggart.
And while we’re at it, let’s check her credentials against Auckland Airbase and Samoa.
Get me out of the turret now. I am here to protect that package.
Cut her, Taggart.
Do not keep me in this turret.
Captain Reeves, if she’s off radio and she sees something-
Get me out of the turret now!
I think we could all do with a little bit of quiet time.
Changing band.
Do not take me off comms.
Captain.
Captain!
F*ck!
F*ck! You stupid f*cks!
F*ck!
Goddammit!
F*ck.
OK.
Captain we have a Jake, 5 o’clock, 400ft below us in the clouds. Captain, do you copy?
There’s a Japanese Aichi right-
F*ck!
Shit.
F*ck.
I repeat – do not reorient the Sperry until we determine what’s happened.
We all know what’s happened, Captain.
That woman down there has got a gun!
I knew she was dangerous!
Nah, man. She’s just plain ol’ crazy.
She’s been seeing things from the start.
Garrett, do you read me?
Garrett, respond!
Garrett?!
Everything’s OK down here.
Oh, Jesus.
Miss Garrett, you tell me what happened down there.
Yeah, Garrett. You tell the Captain why you’re taking potshots at unicorns.
Why you’re sharpshooting the wings off of Tinkerbell.
Shut up, Dorn! Let her speak.
Confirm you just discharged a weapon.
I did not.
Confirm you have a non-issue weapon on my plane.
I do not, sir.
Miss Garrett, you have seven men up here who just heard some kind of ruckus and a gunshot clear as day.
You calling us liars?
That was not a gunshot, sir. You-You heard wrong.
Oh, I heard wrong? We all heard wrong?
So what was it then?
That was the sound of a…
bird hitting the side of the plane, sir.
It startled me.
That was a f*ckin’ loud bird.
The bird carrying a f*cking gun?
Officer Garrett,
if there’s something you’re not telling us, now’s the time.
Just tell us what’s happening and everything will be all right, OK?
Sergeant Quaid, do you have my radio bag?
Yes, ma’am. It’s safe and sound up here with me.
My radio bag is our top priority.
That is the most important thing on this plane.
I understand that, Garrett, but-
But what?
What are you asking me?
I’m asking…
What are you doing?
And I told you. It’s confidential.
I understand it’s confidential, but how can we trust you if you keep lying to us?
Are you even listening to me?
Oh, come on, Quaid. You’re just riling her up.
Yeah, she’s got that whatsit – the temper-menstrual-
Captain, I’ve got word from Auckland radio control.
Go ahead.
There’s a problem here.
No, please. Please listen. We are-We are in danger.
I don’t doubt it. Taggart, what are they saying?
Oh, you’re not going to like this.
Auckland says they’ve got no injury reports for a Maude Garrett. They don’t even have a Maude Garrett listed on their WAF sheets. They got a Maude Johnson come over 10 months ago from the WASPs, but…
Boys, we’re chaperoning an interloper.
Who are you?
Who are you, Miss Garrett?
There was an enemy fighter in close proximity.
All right. Taggart, force the hatch open and bring her up for questioning.
Aye, Captain.
Shit.
Oh, you cheeky bitch!
Taggart, report.
Oh, she’s jammed the f*cking cogs from the inside!
Garrett!
Listen to me very carefully.
There is a Japanese Aichi E13A in very close proximity, quite possibly directly under us right now.
The Japanese use it for reconnaissance and combat.
I told you – the Japanese can’t fly this far.
Just because they haven’t yet doesn’t mean they can’t start now. The Jake is a long-range sea scout.
Not that long-range.
I know what I saw, and that Aichi’s going to be back with Zekes or Type Fives, and we’re gonna be sitting here with our asses out.
We got a hand crank out here. Only a matter of time till we bust this pearl out of the oyster.
Guys, there’s a…
There’s a-There’s a big rat.
Not now, Beckell.
Garrett, you’re gonna start giving us straight answers now.
Where does a non-combat WAF like you get a gun?
Beckell, what’d you just say?
No, you’re talking to me.
Who the hell are you, Miss Garrett?
Will-Williams,
are there-are there huge rats in New Zealand?
What?
Oh, Jesus.
Beckell,
get off the comms!
It’s got fur, hooks for hands, face all mushed up.
Is that right, Beckell?
Answer the Captain’s question, Garrett!
Taggart, get that hatch open and have your side arm at the ready.
Aye, Captain.
Garrett, are you gonna start answering my questions or continue behaving like an enemy agent?
I am not – repeat – not your enemy.
Then what the hell is Quaid keeping in that bag up there?
You mess with that bag, and you have Riegert to reckon with, and if any of you know Riegert like I do, that’s a court martial for each and every one of you.
I’m not going to contravene orders.
Quaid, she’s bluffing.
I’m not sure about that, Taggart, but I know I don’t wanna mess with Major Riegert any more than I have to.
Beckell, where did you see that rat?
Where did you see…?
I have a visual on the Jake!
Oh my God.
The f*cking nerve of this girl!
Garrett, tell us exactly where you’re looking.
She can’t tell us because she’s making it all up.
Are- Are you sure about that?
Because I don’t know about you, but I’m getting the heebie-jeebies back here.
F*ck!
Taggart, report.
Somehow she’s over-ridden manual control of the turret!
Sir, permission to fire.
Is that a joke?
Sir, requesting permission to fire on an enemy attacker.
There’s nothing out front.
Nothing out back, but Cap-
She’s gone mad.
Garrett, cool it.
F*cking spot down low at 3 o’clock!
You want me to give you permission?
You wouldn’t even know how to fire if I did.
I was being polite.
F*ck you!
She hit it! She hit it! She was right!
All stations report now!
All clear up front, sir.
No damage on top turret.
Aye, we’re fine.
F*ck!
Radioing Auckland base right away, sir.
F*ck!
Beckell, are you OK?
Jesus, f*ck! One of them whizzed right past my face.
Beckell, you’re OK.
One inch different and I would have been mincemeat!
That feeling between your legs is your balls dropping, Beckell.
Hey, f*ck you, Finch!
This is impossible. They don’t have the range.
Well, they do now. Look alive, boys.
We just became a combat mission.
Uh, with due respect, sir, your co-pilot is a f*ckin’ monkey, so…
Why don’t you shut your mouth, Finch?
I was stating the facts.
‘Oh, b-b-but, sir, it’s impossible for the Japs ‘to come this far south!’
Knock it off, Finch! Time and a place!
Garrett, you with us?
I’m here. What is the state of my package?
Oh, hey, hey, hey. Hang on. She sounds different, right?
Is anyone else f*cking hearing this?
Aye, I’m hearing this.
Hey, boys. She shot the goddamn Jap plane right through the wing – clean hit maybe 500 yards.
My bloody ass!
I saw it!
I saw a smoke trail! I think I’m in love!
Pull your cock in and listen to her voice, Dorn.
What is the state of my package?
Your package is fine, ma’am.
Next to me, right side up, like you said.
They’ll be back. If they attacked, that means they have back up.
She’s American. Her voice is American.
Aye, she’s taken us for fools from the moment she stepped on the plane.
She can take me any way she damn well pleases.
She’s Annie F*ckin’ Oakley!
Could be Frau Hitler for all we know, unless you care to enlighten us, Garrett.
We could enlighten ourselves if we opened that package, sir.
I am not an enemy agent.
And if you want a court martial, then sure –
Go on ahead and open the package.
Well, who are you, then?
My maiden name is Garrett.
My husband’s name is Johnson.
Shit, you’re married!? Damn!
After shooting that good, I was ready to propose.
Thought I was too much of a whore for you, Dorn.
Oh, no one’s too much of a whore for me, baby.
Why do you have a gun, Mrs Johnson?
Why the change of voice? Why the whole Mata Hari act?
My mission is classified, care of Major Riegert.
That’s all you need to know.
Sir, we could just open it and say we didn’t.
It’s her word against ours.
I wish I could, Taggart, but the order was clear.
Whatever’s in there is top level and not to be tampered with.
Beckell, how are you doing?
He’ll be fine. He’s not your concern.
That was your first combat, right?
Nice change of subject, Garrett.
Can I…
Can I venture a guess at you, Garrett?
Shoot.
Are you a… kind of a plain-type girl, like a… school teacher type?
Oh, Beckell.
What makes you say that?
Well, there was this girl, you know, back home – high school. Margie.
Beckell, please.
Well, you’d never see her in any beauty pageant, but…
You know, I could just- I could talk to her all day.
Oh, Beckell, please stop.
She’d always crack a joke or some kind of smart opinion, you know? Had a lot of stuff going on upstairs, like you.
Beckell, time and a place.
Yeah. I know, sir. Yeah.
I don’t know. Maybe I’m getting a little-
Maybe… I shoulda asked her out or something, you know.
Cool it, Beckell.
I just get to thinking sometimes out here, and now– now with the Japs, it’s like maybe I’ll never get to ever tell her that I-
Beckell, I said cool it!
Captain, Engine 3’s in trouble.
What?
Sambo, what the f*ck are you doing?
It’s not responding.
Sir, permission to turn back.
I’m thinking.
Sir, I’ve got bad news.
I’ve had no response on the shortwave, the longwave.
Nothing.
Mission stands, gentlemen.
We’ve been through worse.
Wil-f*cking-co.
Yes, sir.
Understood.
Come on.
Shit.
Come on.
I have I have a visual on something.
Can you be more specific than that, sweetheart?
It’s a kind of… very large,… very dangerous kind of…
…rodent.
Mrs Johnson, I’m done with your nonsense.
I don’t wanna hear another word about it.
Garrett, listen to me. You don’t need to lie any more.
She’s not lying. There is an actual gremlin on board!
A what?
Like the cartoon?
I don’t know, but… but how else-
Well, the crazy’s catching, that’s for sure.
I am not crazy!
Kid, listen to me.
First combat does funny things to your head.
This is no gremlin. There’s just a witch of a woman trying to manipulate you.
It’s got nothing to do with her.
Sooner you understand that, the better life you’re gonna have. You hear me?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What’s happening?!
Captain, half the auxiliary gauges just zeroed.
The hydraulics aren’t responding.
Yeah, it’s cos that thing just tore them out of the bottom of the plane.
Garrett, that’s enough!
Look, if it’s not a gremlin-
No, no, no!
It is not a gremlin. A gremlin is not an animal.
A gremlin is someone else’s f*ck-up.
But sir, how the hell else do you explain it?
A ‘gremlin’ means someone screwed up and you’re blaming Santa Claus. It’s a pass-the-buck excuse, not a literal animal.
I saw a big furry rat thing with hooks for hands…
Exactly the words she used.
…out on the port tail-fin.
Right, where no one else can see it.
We’ve all heard it!
I’ve heard airmen talking about these things for years – mutant animals that come to f*ck with us.
Jesus Christ. You’ve lost your damn mind.
She put the idea
of the rat thing into your head, Beckell.
He brought it up himself!
Yes, after you told him what to say.
I’ve been on an all-crew intercom this entire time.
How could I even begin to-
TAGGART: I don’t know!
It’s whatever’s in that bag – some kind of mind-control device.
And I’m crazy?
The hell is that?
She didn’t put shit in my head. I know what I saw, and she saw it too.
The gremlin is on starboard wing right now.
Prop 4.
What, Dorn? What did you just say?
It’s a real gremlin. Look for your-f*cking-selves!
You see it, Dorn? You see it, right!?
There’s nothing there, Dorn!
Quaid, do you see it?!
Dorn, I…
Where are you looking?!
Sir, Engine 4’s now malfunctioning.
How shall we proceed?
Dorn!
Report what you actually see.
Sir, it is in the smoke! It was a large animal, I swear.
I can’t see shit.
It’s her.
It’s whatever she’s got in that package. Psychological warfare!
Hey, asshole! You telling me I’m hallucinating?
Yeah, we can’t all be seeing things.
Sir, listen to me. It is-
Captain, permission to turn back?
One thing at a time!
Taggart, I’m starting to think you’re right.
These irregularities started with the package.
Nothing about that package is affecting anything on this airplane. Do not under any circumstances, open it.
Sir, I just…
The papers said not to open the package.
You didn’t read the bloody papers.
Staff Sergeant Quaid, open the package. If it’s Riegert, I’ll take the heat.
Sir, I just-
Quaid, that’s an order.
Quaid, do not open the package.
Cap, she wasn’t lying about the Japs, and she wasn’t lying about the gremlin!
Lieutenant Finch, retrieve the package from Quaid and open it.
Sir.
Do not open the package.
Now! Whatever’s in that package is what’s causing the failures on this plane.
Yes, sir.
Quaid!
Shut it!
Do not open the package! Please do not open-
Shut your mouth!
F*cking Christ.
All right, Walt. Hand it over.
No.
Don’t make this difficult, buddy.
Look, I’m just following orders.
No, I’m not giving you shit.
Don’t open the package.
Just grab it, Finch.
He’s outnumbered three to one.
Do not open the package.
Quaid, I beg you – don’t be a dummy here.
Please don’t do this. Please do not open the package.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Bloody hell.
Have you lost your f*cking mind?
You keep pointing that f*cking gun at me, Quaid, so help me-
QUAID: Back off.
Take your hand off your gun right now!
I said back the hell off me!
Jesus Christ! Oh, for…
I got it! I got it.
The hell is that?
Please.
That can’t be what it sounds like, right? Right?
You gotta be f*cking kidding. There’s a baby in here.
Jesus, this little thing’s tiny. It shouldn’t be up here!
Gimme the baby back, Finch.
No, sir.
Give me my baby right now.
Wait.
Your baby?
No f*cking way.
Walt, I’m sorry.
Thank you.
We can’t continue this mission.
Return to base.
Yes, Captain.
Sir. Setting a course back.
So, wait, wait, wait. So this is your kid?
With her?
Man, she’s married.
Quaid, you guys are married?
No, Beckell.
Quaid’s the stupid bastard who fell for another man’s slut.
You shut your f*cking mouth.
What are you gonna do?
If you think I’m letting you talk to her like that, you have lost your tiny little mind!
She saved all our lives today.
She’s twice the airman any of you are.
Look, I had to stow it before, but that’s over now, and until we land, one of you says one more wrong word to Maude, I will come down out of the f*cking turret and I will take his head off!
Are we clear?!
Well, shit, Walt. We would never have talked to her that way if we knew she was your girl.
We’ve been taken for fools by the pair of them.
You have no idea how f*cked you are, Quaid.
He had nothing to do with this, OK?
It was my plan from the beginning!
What plan was that, Mrs Johnson?
What plan?
My husband. I… I was young when we got married, and I didn’t know.
I didn’t know how much he liked to drink or that he’d start hitting me. I…
The war came around, and it was two birds – serve my country and get the hell away from him.
Walt and me,… we were just messing around.
You know, until we weren’t.
He left me when I told him that I was married, which I understand, but I didn’t tell him that I was pregnant.
I didn’t even think I’d… keep the baby. I thought I’d just give the baby away. But… I couldn’t.
I don’t know who ratted me out, but…
yesterday, my husband showed up on base, and the minute that he got me alone,… he was gonna kill me.
I will not let myself be dishonorably discharged so that a drunk can choke me to death in the privacy of his own home.
I will not let my baby become an orphan.
Or worse.
So, yes. I stole the letterhead, I stole the uniform – all of it.
Why didn’t you tell me?
I just did, Walt.
Why didn’t you tell me?
Maybe I was scared, Walt!
I didn’t know what the hell you were gonna do.
I had to get out of there, and I didn’t know if you were gonna…
march me right back to him or if you would just leave me again.
You came on to my ship with a forged document and a baby in a bag. What did you think was going to happen,
Mrs Johnson?
I thought I could sit out a cargo run to Samoa.
Yeah, but with a baby?
I didn’t have any other option.
I asked the nurses to give me something to sedate my baby, and I got on the plane.
I just thought…
maybe.
Maybe if I was lucky.
Mrs Johnson, Mr Quaid, soon as we land, both of you are under arrest by order of the United States Army Air Corps.
I have eyes on the enemy!
Beckell, you see the Gremlin?
No. 6 o’clock.
What gun do I need to be on, Beckell?
All right, let’s keep it together.
Keep it together right now.
OK, everybody. Eyes on target.
F*ck.
Confirming three Zekes coming up right behind us, fellas.
F*ck, f*ck, f*ck. Did you say three?
Jesus Christ!
I see ’em.
They’re splitting up, guys. They’re splitting up.
Captain, they’re going to be on us in no time.
Can’t we outrun ’em?
No chance in hell with our engines out.
No shit. Everyone to their stations.
Prepare for evasive maneuvers and defensive fire.
Did you hear that?
I hear it. What the hell is that racket?
Shit, there’s something on the top of the plane.
Quaid, it’s heading your way!
There’s something- There’s something on the turret.
Quaid- – There’s something on the goddamn turret!
What’s going on?
What’s going on?
What the f*ck?!
Quaid!
Quaid, say something!
Quaid, say something right now. Where is the baby?
Quaid, say something!
FINCH, SOFTLY: F*ck. F*ck. F*cking hell. He’s…
Quaid’s down.
No, no, no, no.
Sir. Sir. F*ck, it’s gone. The f*cking goddamn baby-
Where the f*ck is it?!
Here they come.
Taggart, take the port waist gun.
We’re all gonna die!
You have know idea how far I’ll go.
You have no idea how far I’ll go!
Come on!
No!
F*ck!
Oh God.
Shh.
Hi, sweetie.
It’s gonna be OK, sweetie.
It’s gonna be OK. OK?
We gotta move, sweetie.
Hold on.
OK!
Well, Jesus H Christ!
If it isn’t the love of my life.
Welcome back to the party, baby.
Shh.
It’s gonna be OK.
Garrett?
How the hell did you get up here?
Turn around! Focus on the Zeroes!
Yes, ma’am!
Hold on, sweetie.
Get the f*ck off me! Garrett!
You keep that baby safe, you stupid idiot!
Taggart! No!
F*ck.
F*ck!
Goddammit!
F*ck!
Never mind, we don’t need it.
All these gauges are shot out.
I can’t read any of them.
Goddammit!
Dump the fuel!
Garrett?!
How the hell did you get up here?!
We have to dump the fuel, the cargo, everything.
Gotta be dead weight when we set down, otherwise we’ll explode on impact.
No. That cargo is not going anywhere.
Doesn’t matter. Dump it!
Get down!
Captain!
Captain.
Sir! Sir.
I’m sorry.
What did you say?
What were you thinking?
No, no, no, no. Stay with me. Captain, stay with me!
Captain, my visibility’s shot to hell, sir.
What’s your bearing?
Captain, do you have visual?
He’s gone.
Huh?
He’s dead.
Williams, you gotta land this plane.
No, no, no, no, no.
You don’t have a choice.
I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.
You’ve got to land this plane.
We have no other choice, Williams.
You land this plane or we die trying.
You gotta shoot your shot.
OK. OK. OK.
I’ll get your visual.
OK!
If I’m going down, we all go the f*ck down!
That’s what you get! Uncle Sam says, ‘F*ck you!’
F*ck me! Where the f*ck did you come from?!
We gotta set this plane down anywhere.
‘Set down?’ Is that a joke?
No, we’re setting it down.
I just gotta find somewhere.
Is… Is that what Reeves said?
Reeves is dead.
Williams, head right! Head for the coast. It’s your 3 o’clock.
OK!
Did you say Reeves is dead?
Yes.
So, what? That f*cking golly’s flying the plane?
Strap in, Finch. It’s gonna get choppy.
Is that a f*cking joke!?
It’s OK. It’s OK.
It’s OK.
It’s gonna be OK.
Walt.
You’re… You’re hurt.
I’m here.
F*ck! Shit!
Help! Help!
Wait, wait.
Don’t let this go.
I never would.
Somebody! Hey! What the f*ck?!
What the-Hey, get off of me!
Hey, what’s wrong with you?!
Hey, you!
Get off of me! Get off of me!
Beckell, hold your fire!
Watch out!
Jesus Christ!
Get down!
F*ck! Goddammit! Oh, Jesus Christ! Garrett!
We’re diving. We’re too low. We’re too low to the ground!
Come on.
Wait, wait! My hat!
Beckell, come on!
OK.
Come on!
Oh my God. Holy shit.
F*ck! Dorn!
Dorn!
Strap in.
Oh God. Oh jeez.
Stop looking down! Come on.
Strap in!
What?
If you want to see Margie again, strap in.
Yes, ma’am.
Dammit!
Why are we diving?
The elevators are jammed. I can’t get it out of a nosedive.
So we roll through!
What?!
We roll through to 180, then a nose down is a nose up.
It’ll get us out of the dive. I can’t do it alone.
Full left rudder!
Cut 1 and 2!
Neutralize the rudder!
Neutralizing!
Max 1 and 2! Full right rudder, max right aileron!
Let’s kick her right side up!
Oh shit!
We’re not gonna make it up!
We’re coming in too fast! No, no, no, no, no! No!
We’re coming in way too fast!
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on!
I got it.
No, no.
I got it. We’re OK.
No. Walt!
I got it! We’re fine.
Are you all dead?
Beckell!
Garrett? Quaid?
Beckell, you OK?
Holy shit!
Ow! Ow.
Oh, I’m sorry.
Uh, sorry.
Oh my God. Williams, you OK? Hey, where’s Cap?
We lost him.
What? No. No!
We gotta go. We gotta go!
There’s fuel in the lines. There’s oxygen tanks on board.
We have to leave.
We gotta get Williams.
Walt, the baby!
We gotta get Williams!
Beckell can do it. Get out of the plane, Walt!
All right.
Go!
All right.
Come on! Come on!
Come on! Hurry up!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Move!
Come on! Come on!
Go!
Come on!
You got this. Come on. Come on.
Hey. Hey, where are the Zeroes? Huh?
Where are the goddamn Zeroes?
I think we got ’em all, Beckell. I think we got ’em all.
Yes! F*ck yeah!
Take that, you f*ckers!
Yeeees! Whoo!
No. No, no, no.
Please, baby.
Hi, sweetie.
We made it, huh?
It’s a miracle.
I mean, I heard of stuff like this – babies getting washed overboard on boats and such, but…
I mean, to go through all that? It’s a miracle.
What are you gonna do now?
I mean,…
you’re gonna be in trouble, aren’t you?
She’s got a transfer.
No, I don’t.
Yeah, you do. Remember?
Someone lost her paperwork.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah. No, I remember. I was there.
I saw what they were talking about. I just, um…
You know, it must have been a mix-up in the office, you know what I mean. F*cking secretaries these days.
You know, f*cking dames.
What about ’em, Beckell?
Nothin’.
Maude.
I’m, uh…
I’m sorry that I-I left you. I, um…
I didn’t do what was right.
But…
everything I need is right here.
So…
Walt.
Would you, um…
Would you-
Walt.
Would you do me the honor-
I said, ‘Don’t let this go.’
It’s OK. Mom’s here. Mom’s here. OK.
Here you go.
Shh. Come on.
Shh. Come here.
Come here. Come here.
Shh.
Shh. I know you’re hungry.
It’s in the trees!
It’s coming!
