Letterkenny – S09E03 – Scorched Earth [Transcript]

Katy takes her scorched earth strategy to Letterkenny. Gail gets some action of her own.
Letterkenny - S09E03 - Scorched Earth

Your pal ran into your old flame the other day…

Who?

Angie.

Who? Oh.

She was actin’ different.

How was she’s acting different?

I don’t think you wanna know how she was acting different.

Wait.

Now, was she acting different like I think she was acting different?

She was acting different exactly like you think she was acting different.

Oh, cripes! So, she was acting different just like…

She was acting different like somebody who’s gone traveling for the first time and then come home and is acting different.

ALL: Ugh!

Is there anything worse?

Still born puppies… and nothing else.

This might be the worst case I’ve ever seen.

ALL: Ugh.

(English accent:) So, she’s speaking with a bit of an accent then, Dary?

She came home speaking with a wee bit of an accent then?

(English accent:) Is it now like every statement ends

like it’s a question then, Dary?

Everything she says is like it’s a f*cking question then, innit?

Innit?

D’you know what I mean?

She using words like cheeky and bugger?

Why, you cheeky bugger, then, Dary.

Oi, Dary, you cheeky bugger,

I haven’t seen you in bloody minute, ‘ave I?

Haven’t I!

Has she gone mad?

Is she knackered?

Do y’know what I mean?

Is she saying things to you like, “Cheers, ring me, yeah?”

(Regular voice:) No, she did not say “ring you”.

(English accent:) D’you know what I mean?

(English accent:) Are you bothered?

I’m not bothered.

Aren’t you?

Innit?

Do you?

Don’t I?

Do we?

D’you know what I mean?

So, she watches TV on the telly then, yeah?

Yeah. And her apartment is now referred to as her flat, yeah?

And instead of waiting in line, she’s waiting in the queue now, yeah?

She’s waiting in the queue for the tube now, yeah?

She’s waiting in the queue for the pub now, yeah?

Waiting in the queue at the pub for a pint then, yeah?

D’you know what I mean?

Now, has she done ‘Eye-beetha’?

Yeah, Dary, has she done ‘Ih-Beetza’?

‘Oi-beefa’.

Has she done ‘Bah-tha-lowna’?

Yeah, Dary, has she done ‘Bawf-a-rowna’?

‘Baw-tha-luna’.

‘Biffininna’.

D’you know what I mean?

Has she done ‘Buda-pesht’?

Yeah, Dary, has she done ‘Shrlanka’?

Is she ‘Shr-Lankan’?

Has she done ‘Mel-bun’?

Not ‘Mel-bern’ because it’s pronounced ‘Mel-bun’.

‘Mel-bun’.

D’you know what I mean?

And she only watches foreign features now, yeah?

It’s like, did she stay off the beaten path or did she go to where it’s touristy, right?

Cuz you don’t wanna go to where it’s too touristy, d’y’know what I mean?

All she’s done is hostels and backpacks and Kiwis!

The BBC.

It was like she photographed in, like, a cage with, like, a sedated tiger, innit?

I’ve written a bloody travel blog, haven’t I.

The BBC 3.

And it’s like did she get a little shlog, get a little fix, if she’s a little fit, innit.

It’s like, there is comedy and then, there is British comedy, you f*cking bell-end.

It’s like them Yanks sew the Canadian flags up on their backpacks what when they go backpackins cuz, you know, everyone loves them Canadians, yeah?

I’ve hand rolled me cigarettes, haven’t I!

ALL (Regular voices:) Pull your finger outta your ass!

(Theme music playing)

(Electronic music playing)

♪ I’ve been there, done that, messed around ♪

♪ I’m having fun don’t put me down ♪

♪ I’ll never let you sweep me off my feet ♪

♪ I won’t let you in again ♪

♪ The messages I’ve tried to send ♪

♪ My information’s just not going in ♪

♪ Burning bridges shore to shore ♪

♪ I’ll break away from something more ♪

♪ I’m not turned on to love until it’s cheap ♪

♪ Been there, done that, messed around ♪

♪ I’m having fun, don’t put me down ♪

♪ I’ll never let you sweep me off my feet ♪

♪ This time, baby, I’ll be… ♪

♪ Bulletproof ♪

♪ This time, baby, I’ll be… ♪

♪ Bulletproof ♪

♪ This time, baby, I’ll be… ♪

♪ Bulletproof ♪

♪ This time, baby, I’ll be… ♪

♪ Bulletproof ♪

♪ This time… ♪

How’re ya now?

Good ‘n you?

Not s’bad.

Where was yous?

Goin’ scorched Earth, boys.

Had me a date.

Well, how’d it go, Katy-Kat?

Almost not worth talkin’ about.

Swing, batta batta!

And the old boy strikes out.

And the side retires.

More like stunk out.

Is that what he did?

The dude was… ripe.

Is that what he was?

Bit spicy.

Like… an odour?

A smell.

Well, type of dude who smells like he wants to be left alone, eh?

Well, how bad?

Y’know Schmellies?

Can confirm.

Take that.

‘Kay.

Now double it.

Hm.

So you skedaddled?

Well, if you smell gamey, you ain’t gonna lay me.

Well…

If you want to hit a base, at least air out the place.

Fair.

Not fair.

What if, like me, his smells are something of an occupational hazard?

And that’s nothing to feels ashamed about, Dary.

Some smells just stick.

Well, if you’re married to your f*ckin’ barn clothes, yeah.

I made a commitment to date local and I expected a few coarse edges, but still wash.

You gotta wash.

You gotta Walla Walla Washington.

You gotta George Washington.

You’ve gotta George Washington Carver.

Carver?

Hardly knew ‘er.

Yeah, that dude didn’t wash. First date, too.

A first impression’s a lasting one.

Well, to be fair…

To be fair.

To be fair.

To be fair, another way of looking at the situation is that, perhaps, the stress of it being a first date is precisely what caused that unfortunates aromas.

Yeah, the nervous sweats.

Yous two are soft on crime.

It happens.

It always happens.

Have you met devil’s advocate Dan?

(Scoffing)

Okay, well,

the nervous sweats are better than the meat sweats.

Oh, could’ve very easily have been the meat sweats.

No, that’s an old wives tale.

No, it isn’t.

Meat sweats is a real phenomenon or something like a phenomenon.

The Swedes did a study on it.

Bet the Swedes hammer a lotta meatballs, eh?

Swedes probably hammer the most meatballs.

Yous are meatballs.

One trip to IKEA and everyone’s a f*cking expert.

What if it was the vintage tee sweats?

What?

Well, what’s say you buy a tee shirt at a vintage store.

Some other nut sack, or nut sacks, have previously owned and worn the tee shirt, and they have perspired in it, and then, when you perspire, their stink rises to the top.

Ugh…

Pretty gnar, but here we are.

Pretty Paul Gross.

If you’re nauseous, be cautious.

D’you wanna know what? I don’t care if it’s the nervous sweats or the meat seats or the vintage tee sweats.

Thanks! Thank you.

There’s something that Mom and Dad shoulda drilled into you a long time ago – wash.

Wash.

BOTH: Born to judge.

Well, I’m outta here.

Wheres you off to nows?

I’ve got my two o’clock.

Your two o’clock what?

Date.

Another ones?

How many dates you goin’ on?

Today?

Holy f*ck.

Three.

Three whole dates?

I’m goin’ scorched Earth, boys.

What’s the need for going on three dates in one day?

Dary… if you can be one thing, you should be efficient.

She’s right.

Must be f*ckin’ nice.

Dream notch on the bedpost, boys.

We’ve already played this.

Animated edition, buddy.

BOTH: In.

Cartoon character you’d most like to smash.

Daxie, go.

Fred Flintstone.

Why?

Never wears pants. That’s a head start I can get behind and would.

Barney’s in the same camp.

Flintstone’s were the inaugural Village People.

That’s so hot.

That’s so f*ckin’ hot.

Let’s f*ck a village person.

I’ll f*ck a village person.

Let’s f*ck a whole village.

I’ll f*ck some villagers.

We’ll have a gay old time.

Reilly, go.

Ariel.

The Little Mermaid?

She’s not that little.

Besides, Prince Eric would never smash a mermaid that was too little.

Not the Prince Eric I know.

She’s like 16 in the movie.

Well, according to the film’s official novelization,

Prince Eric was eighteen. So he’s good… in most states?

Any concern for the very likely fishy smell?

None whatsoever.

Jonesy, go.

Maid Marian from Disney’s rendition of Robin Hood.

She’s foxy, bro.

Oh, super foxy!

Which is not surprising,

considering she is literally a fox!

Where’s Gailer?

Well, it’s supposed to be a secret, but since you’ve basically already guessed it,

Gail is out of action because Gail is gettin’ some action.

You mean that old goat’s wandered into the horse pen?

You said it, not me.

Who’s the stud?

It’s a super secret.

Okay, buddy.

It’s under the classified cone, Jonesy.

A little space, spasiba.

No worries, Glenski.

I will not tell tales out of school, Reilly.

Honestly, you’ve become relentless. I don’t like it.

It’s not a good look on you. It’s not a good colour.

I’m happy for her.

You too, now?

Listen, I cannot handle this pressure, gentleman.

It’s gonna make me crumble, crumble like the beautiful Greek statue that I kind of am.

End of discussion then.

Oh! Fine!

(Sighing) Since you were talking about cartoon takedowns, let’s put it this way, if Gail’s takedown were a cartoon character, he’d be Woody from Toy Story, one through four.

But that’s all you’re getting outta Glen.

That’s it. Zip it up. Fort Knox. Nothing more!

It’s ’cause he’s tall, lanky and wears cowboy hat, goodness gracious.

He talks real fast. I mean, real fast, but that’s all the auction… Oh, Glen…

All the action that I will participate in! Enough!

ALL: Jimmy Dick-skin?

Is as tall lying down as he is standing up.

I heard that from the horse’s mouth.

But that’s the end of this conversation.

It’s a three-hander. Okay?

But that’s it. Goodbye!

Fine! It’s the length of a chair leg and the girth of a coffee mug.

Are you happy now? I cannot keep talking about this!

Okay, he’s quite tall, so if he’s standing straight up…

I’m just trying to do a little math here…

And his horn is a high jump bar I think it’s set at about a meter-twenty.

Glen…

Bonnie, I’m trying!

Listen, I’m at work right now.

I’m trying to finish my shift here.

Do you think I want to stand around here all day, when I’m supposed to be working, but instead

I’m talking about my employer and her personal life, and how Jim Dickens’ horn could double as a pull-up bar?

I don’t like any part of this, gentlemen!

Glen!

Fine! We’re done! We’re done!

And, Bonnie, enough. And we’re done.

Enough and enough!

Do you guys think Jimmy Dick-skin can, like, suck his own wiener?

And the small town rumour mill begins to churn.

When was the last time you tried?

How’re you now?

Good ‘n’ you?

Not so bad.

That was quick.

That was one was better… but still a bust.

Swing, batta batta.

Good cut. Good cut.

Caught a nice piece of it, but still foul… smelling?

Foul was not the issue this time around.

Good. Wash.

He had summer teeth.

What’s summer teeth?

Pretty good Wilcos album.

Summer’ here. Some are there.

And you don’t like that, eh?

Duh.

How bad’s we talkins?

Bad.

How bad?

Summer’ inside his mouth and summer’ not inside his mouth anymore.

See, I got, uh…

I got a wee bit of time for that.

Pardon?

Yeah, you know, likes as long as they’re cleans.

(Muttering agreement)

No, they weren’t.

Oh, yeah, no. F*ck that. No.

God, no.

He a flosser?

Did not appear to have flossed. No.

(Chuckling) But, I mean… nobody really flosses.

(Chuckling)

Right?

Are yous f*ckin’ with me?

Here’s all I’m saying is there’s a lot of super, mega babes out there who have what some might call imperfect teeth.

Like who?

Jessica Pare.

Anna Paquins.

Madonna.

Mick Jagger’s daughter Georgia May Jagger.

Vanessa Paradis.

Jewel.

And don’t forget Dutch supermodel Lara Stone.

But you guys like that?

Look, here’s the thing and I’m gonna tell ya – what’s a person without imperfections?

Yeah, I like a little bit of au naturel.

Professor Tricia calls it flaws of the Kardashian generations – young womens refuse to accept their perfect imperfections.

Personally, I like a dude with straight teeth.

To each his or her own.

Well, I’m sorrys.

I didn’t realize we was talkings to the Queen of f*ckin’ Englands!

We should all be so lucky!

Yeah, must be f*ckin’ nice!

I’m outta here.

Oh, I’m sorry, Miss Katys.

Oh, yeah. Sorry ’bout that. Didn’t mean to shout n’ make ya leave or anything.

Sorry too, Katy-Kat.

To each his or her own.

But I’m only leaving because I’ve got my third date.

Scorched Earth, boys.

Oh! Must be f*ckin’ nice!

So…

BOTH: So…

So…

BOTH: So…

You guys hear Gail ordered a Chipotle Chimichanga?

(Laughing)

Yeah. Heard it was smoked meat with an extra-large pickle.

Still not bigger than Stewart’s.

Roald…

Just so we’re crystal clear here, you guys heard Jim Dickens f*cked Gailer?

What?

We heard Gailer f*cked Jim Dickens.

Steamy.

Sordid.

Squalid.

Gail lassoed a cowboy.

You guys hear Chipotle Chimichanga?

Double stuffed.

That’s good.

How big is that exactly?

Take a Chipotle Chimichanga…

Yeah.

Now double it.

I’m not a math guy.

Still not bigger than Stewart’s.

Roald.

DAX: I heard Gail rode that sturdy steed till sunrise.

I heard the stallion never petered off.

Giddy-up.

I’ve never thought about Jim Dickens like that before, but now I fear I may never stop.

(Speaking indistinctly)

Well, I think Jim Dickens is all that most people are thinking about tonight.

(All laughing)

Did I just get a text from Gail? Yes.

Did she use the raindrop emoji in reference to her womanhood?

Maybe. Did you hear any of this from Glen? No!

(Chuckling)

(All chuckling)

(Chuckling)

(All laughing)

(Laughing)

The small town rumour mill is a-churnin’.

(Laughing)

I think I’d like to start going on dates, like Katy.

Attaboy.

With a local gal.

This long distance relationship’s too much f*ckin’ work.

Like to meet a gal from Letterkenny.

Since it’s been a topics of conversations, may I gently suggest that if you’re about to re-enter the dating games, that you steps up your hygiene games.

What are ya talking about “my hygiene game”?

Get outta your f*ckin’ barn clothes, bud!

I need a Gus N’ Bru.

(Sighing)

Batta batta swing?

Didn’t even make it into the batter’s box.

He’s outta there.

You know, three losses is a slump.

Well, two’s a slump, but that’s splittin’ hairs.

Dating sucks.

Must be f*ckin’ nice.

He was a crotch scratcher, Dary.

That is typical batter’s box behaviour, though.

What kind of a crotch scratcher?

There’s more than one type of crotch scratcher?

ALL: Yes.

The most popular being the pocket scratch, in which you pretend you’re searching for your change or keys and then… the pocket scratch.

‘Kay.

Then, there’s the sits and wiggle scratch.

Well, how does that one go?

That’s when a guy keeps adjusting his chair for no apparent reason whatsoever so that he can distract from what he’s really doing, which was the sits and wiggle scratch.

I’ve never seen a guy do that.

DAN, WAYNE: Yes, you have.

And then, there’s the lesser known

“Hey, look over there” scratcher.

I’m exhausted.

Katy, how long has that photo of you been up on the fridge over there for?

Which?

You just scratched yourself, didn’t you?

Well, I’m never gonna tell.

Well, this guy didn’t even trying to hide it.

He was just givin ‘er!

Ah, the old ‘f*ck you’ scratch.

Were you on a date with a degen?

I don’t understand ball scratchin’ on dates.

What are you six? Don’t pull your puddin’!

In all fairness, that’s a two way street there, Miss Katys, ’cause I’ve seen more than my share of ladies doing the pocket pinchin’.

Yeah, don’t pick your poon.

Pardon?

I said, don’t pick your…

Piss off!

Dart?

(Phones vibrating)

KATY: Whoa.

DAN: That is juicy.

So… to MoDean’s?

I’d have a dart!

Bonnie! Turn that down!

(Music plays quietly)

Heard some talk that people been talkin’.

It’s okay.

I’m the first gal from town to take down Jim Dickens.

He’s always fancied girls from Donegal, where I’m heard he’s referred to as the Donegal Ripper.

He’s a mystery around here… till now.

How big is Dick-skin?

Take a roll of paper towel.

Take all the paper towel off of it ’til yer left with just the cardboard tubing inside the roll.

Got it?

ALL: Yeah.

Now double it.

ALL: Yeah.

Know how I’m near sighted?

ALL: Yeah.

Dick-skin got behind me at one point.

His horn’s so long I needed my glasses to see what he was up to back there.

Still not as big as Stewart…

Roald!

At one point, Dick-skin scooped me up by my bum, like Vin Diesel in the original

Fast & Furious movie motion picture.

Okay.

He’s so tall, it was the equivalent of riding an elevator up one and a half stories, with one hundred and a half times the danger.

Is it hard for anyone else to picture Dickens doing anything but fast-talking auctioneering?

Who said there was no fast-talk auctioneering?!

F*ck off.

“Can I get a dip, one dip, dip?

“Can I get an ass in the air like I just don’t care?

“Oh! (Grunting)

“F*ckin’ Gail everywhere.

“F*ckin’ Gail. F*ckin’ Gail here, here.

“Goin’ once, goin’ once…”

JIM: Would you like to go twice…

(Gasping)

…Gailer?

Jim Dick-skins. Didn’t see you come in there.

Didn’t ya not really?

No. Why?!

Well, he’s a c-hair shy of seven feet tall is all.

These are for you. I picked them myself.

Aww…

(Sniffing)

Huh. Smells nice.

How would you like to pick another flower?

Buy me a beer first?

‘Kay.

I’d put it on your tab, but I can’t seem to find it.

Maybe we should just start a new one.

(Both chuckling)

Is anyone else thinking what I’m thinking?

Free beer if you smash Gailer?

No. Two people from the same town, together and happy… it’s kinda rare.

Big take away, there is no one dateable in this town.

Yeah, well, I mean, what about…

No. There’s no one dateable in this town.

Well, there is…

No.

There is no one dateable in this town!

Do you agree with that, Bonnie?

Buncha’ stinkers and scratchers, really.

It’s just no one new or exotic ever comes into town.

Like what’s it going to take for some sexy Brit to come in here and charm me with that accent?

ALL: Angie?

(English accent:) Oh, please do excuse me, yeah?

I’ve been abroad for so long, I’m barely recognizable, d’you know what I mean?

Where does the queue begin for a pint at this pub?

I’ve drank nearly nothing but Guinness since Dublin, haven’t I?

Oh. Do you take euros here?

ALL: Pull your finger outta your ass.

♪ I’m known for running my mouth ♪

♪ I’m known for running my… ♪

♪ I’m known for running my mouth ♪

♪ I’m known for running my… ♪

♪ I’m known for running my mouth ♪

♪ I’m known for running my… ♪

♪ I’m known for running my mouth ♪

♪ I will not be accountable for what comes out ♪

♪ I’m known for running my mouth ♪

♪ I’m known for running my… ♪

♪ I’m known for running my mouth ♪

♪ I’m known for running my… ♪

♪ I’m known for running my mouth ♪

♪ I’m known for running my… ♪

♪ I’m known for running my mouth ♪

♪ I’m known for running my… ♪

♪ I’m known for running my mouth ♪

♪ I’m known for running my… ♪

♪ I’m known for running my mouth ♪

♪ I’m known for running my… ♪

♪ I’m known for running my mouth ♪

♪ I’m known for running my… ♪

♪ I’m known for running my mouth ♪

♪ I’m known for running my… ♪

♪ I’m known for running my mouth ♪

♪ I’m known for running my… ♪

♪ I’m known for running my mouth ♪

♪ I’m known for running my… ♪

♪ I’m known for running my mouth ♪

♪ I will not be accountable for what comes out ♪

I’m known for running my… ♪

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